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Fantasizing about your FP: Do you do it? What do you fantasize about? : Who is your FP? Are you attracted to your FP in a romantic way? Do you fantasize about them? What are the fantasies like?
Ill start: I had an FP who i was in love with (or thought i was in love with) but he only loved me as a friend. I would fantasize about us "going to the next level"... but it would be more about comfort and security... like "i'll take care of you forever, you'll never have to worry about anything ever again..." etc.
It got to the point where fantasizing about him was mildly interfering with my relationship with him in real life. I'd rather fantasize about him than actual talk to him, because talking to him was far more stressful. And when i saw him in real life, i was always a bit disappointed because he could never meet the standards of how he treated me in the fantasy.
I've had fantasies like this since i was a child... They feature different imaginary people (based off movie characters or whoever I had a crush on at the time, or even my actual boyfriend while we were long distanec)... it's always a boyfriend (or, when i was a child, an older brother) who would protect me and keep me safe.. and it's definitely intertwined with sex/romantic feelings. Clearly I think i feel insecure and have abandonment issues?
Ok everyone, spill. | 3bpd
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THIS IS A SUPPORT SUBREDDIT FOR PEOPLE WITH A MENTAL ILLNESS. : It's not for posting how infuriating the uneven floor tiles are, or how satisfying the candy sorted by color is. Those have nothing to do with OCD and do nothing but trivialize a debilitating illness that the people here deal with.
You'd think that the sidebar and all the posts here would clue these people in that this is a mental health support sub but apparently people can't take ten seconds to look around the subreddit before making shitposts.
I greatly appreciate if you guys can please report any posts like that you see, because anyone posting stuff like that here is getting banned. Period.
I honestly can't believe this even needs to be said, but here we are. | 6ocd
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scared of my psychotic symptoms : I'm trying to keep reminding myself that what I'm thinking/ believing isn't real, just symptoms to be managed. But im scared. Either im really about to be controlled by the demons (don't know what they are, but it's the best description I can muster), or im losing this battle with my bipolar. Im scared whichever way this goes. I don't want to be like this. | 2bipolar
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Does anxiety make you unsure if you're sick or not? : It feels as though everything is coming down on me at once. I graduated college, which means I'm officaily an "adult" - which is has been scaring me a lot. I am now hours away from my girlfriend, I don't have a daily routine because I'm done with classes, I'm back in the quiet suburbs at home (away from all my friends and places I liked to spend time), my parents are constantly yelling at one another, dogs always barking, and I continue having nightmares of my anxiety related fears. Everything started to get really bad on my graduation day though.
I recently had a panic attack while at my college graduation ceremony. I was in the middle of this crowded, huge, very hot, loud, gymnasium and felt lightheaded. I ended up panicking and spent an hour extremely upset, laying down in an ambulance next to the gym for an hour.
Since then I've been feeling "sick" for a few days and unsure if this is my anxiety. MY ANXIETY ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM EXPERIENCING A HORRIBLE ILLNESS. I'm never sure if it is my anxiety or not. I've been distressed even days after the panic attack at school.
I feel exhausted, "out of it," heartburn, have gotten a palpitation, sore/dry throat, dry tasting mouth, watery eyes, stressed, verge of crying, very depressed, hopeless, extremely scared all the time, tense jaw, very scared, racing thoughts of dying, mucus in back of nose, and it just feels uncomfortable to live. These symptoms just reinforce my fears of getting sick - so it's this vicious cycle. | 1anxiety
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I feel like a sick animal that needs to be put down. : I had a cat for 18 years. At the end of her life, she lost most of her mental faculties. She was lethargic, seemingly depressed, didn't want to do anything but lay down, and was in general, a shadow of who she had once been. That's how I feel, like my brain is now defective. | 4depression
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Is constantly checking OCD subreddits a compulsion? : I kid you not, when I have the thoughts, I’m constantly checking OCD subreddits (mainly for reassurance). From the moment I wake up, right up until I go to bed. Practically anytime that I’m not asleep and as you can imagine, my screen time and neck posture is horrendous lol. I hate going for showers or doing anything that keeps me away from my phone because I know I’ll start having the thoughts and anxiety again. | 6ocd
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Contamination ocd about poop : So I have a problem with wiping a lot and taking long showers. Everything that in some way that could’ve come in contact with the toilet etc I can’t touch.
Today after I did number 2 on the toilet and flushed it felt like a tiny tiny water drop touched my leg. But I wasn’t sure because it also felt a bit like the air from closing the toilet lid.
I decided just to pull up my pants and not take a shower or anything like I usually would’ve. But I can’t let go of the thought that it might’ve been toilet water. | 6ocd
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Did Helicopters Play Music During Attacks In The Vietnam War? : This is a pretty common thing I see across media set in The Vietnam War. Here's two examples. [Like in Apocalypse Now?](https://youtu.be/AoZ0K0NymRo) [Or in Kong: Skull Island?](https://youtu.be/czliJLsUYNI) Blasting some awesome music during a battle or an attack, was this a real thing or was it something made up for all that media? | 5none
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What’s the worst thing you did when manic? : For me it was probably trashing my mums house when I got angry with her about something. I was on the verge of losing my job and I wanted to buy a car on finance and my mum intervened and cancelled it and I went ballistic and trashed the whole place. I feel so guilty about it now and like a true asshole. I think so many people probably have a lower opinion of me because of that and other things I’ve done. Feel so stupid for it. What about you guys? | 2bipolar
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Powerpoint lectures in college are full-on cancer that needs to be eradicated and I’ll die on this hill : Information Systems student here third year in university, and I just realized that my issue with lectures is that all of them are given to us as Powerpoint slides that the lecturer puts on screen and just talks while flipping through. This is a TERRIBLE way for teaching Data Structure and Algorithms or Databases, for instance.
I had one lecturer that would never use Powerpoint and he’s just drawing everything on the board, making tables and Venn diagrams non-stop, and it was my favorite course in all my years of studying. Everything just made sense and went straight into my head. Meanwhile I’m doing the same material on powerpoint and it’s just so difficult to understand and feels so.. lifeless. I seriously feel like whoever invented Powerpoint needs to get crucified right now because every lecturer in my college is just using it instead of keeping the material more interactive or dynamic or whatever the word I’m looking for is (sorry English is a third language to me)
Anyone else feels this way? | 0adhd
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Dumb : Joke for
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘He comes in here every day and always takes the quarters. That kid never learns!’
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’
The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’ | 5none
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Is there an ADHD term for this "Emotional Underflow"? : So, you're going about your day, and you're getting bored. You're considering some fun activities, but they sound boring right now. Bored. You consider doing something productive, but of course *that's* boring, too. Bored, bored, bored. It keeps getting worse and worse; eventually even *Reddit* is boring (gasp!). Just when you think things can't get any more dull, it gets uncomfortable, even painful.
Suddenly, it feels like your brain is *screaming* at you to do something, except it's screaming so loud you can't actually do anything. You *want* to try out that [book/TV show/video game etc.] but that would take energy your brain is wasting right now, and it would be like trying to enjoy it while someone's banging pots and pans right next to you.
Fun is out. Productivity is out. Even *doing nothing* is out. The only thing to do is wait for the emotion to eventually subside, but who knows how long that will take? It feels like a continuous mental short-circuit, as if you're in a room with blaring alarms and you are on fire.
Is this an ADHD thing? | 0adhd
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How does your ADHD affect you? : Hello my fellow brethren, sisteren, and otherkin! I was diagnosed with adhd-c after almost failing out of my freshman year of college, and nearly losing my mind trying to figure out why I couldn’t just make myself do things. Since then, (~7 years ago), I’ve been medicated and treated, and have also fallen in love with learning everything there is to know about adhd, how our brains work, and how to make the daily mountain we have to climb into a much more manageable staircase. All that said, I know how my adhd affects me, and as I learn more I take notes and research more. But there’s so much more than just me. So, I’m asking all of you. 😊💕
Here are some examples of mine:
- get overwhelmed with too many options/things to do, so end up doing nothing
(my solution- make a note of all the other things, and commit to what you’ve already decided you want/need to do)
- hating to procrastinate yet somehow perpetually procrastinating
(my solution-do things in relation to doing other things)
- sleep is impossible by itself/unaided; too many thinks.
- no default circadian schedule like non-adhd humans; there is now, and not now, and awake, and asleep.
- gotta write everything down because otherwise it’s gone forever
- impulse control (shopping and money 🙈)
- inattention and lack of action to important adult things (like a credit debt that’s 4 years delinquent)
(my solution- I keep a physical planner that’s like my tangible memory/brain, and everything goes in there)
*I am not a healthcare provider or a formal researcher atm; I have a bachelors in psych and adhd research is a passion. Dats all. 🙊 | 0adhd
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Talking about The Disorder too much : Does anyone else have a tendency to obsess about BPD, their symptoms, etc.? I feel like I'm constantly trying to explain myself to people and just... talking about BPD and my mental health constantly. (One of the reasons I joined Reddit at all was so I could get it out here instead of making my friends listen to it all the time.) It doesn't help probably that I gave my two favourite characters in my writing BPD as well (what are original characters for if not projection) so a lot of talking about/developing them... also means talking about BPD. I just hate how much I obsess about it. If I'm tired of talking/thinking about it, surely everyone else is tired of hearing about it. | 3bpd
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[Personal Breakthrough/WARNING: Panic Attack] West Wing's "Noël" episode - S2E10 - is maybe the greatest mainstream TV-show "coverage" of PTSD. : I've been rewatching *The West Wing* recently, early into season 4 but i keep re-thinking about that episode-long conversation between Josh Lyman and the psychotherapist. From current conversation to the last few days back to current conversation, to Josh's injured hand, to "the event"....
And as the episode was coming to an end i was heavily shaking. I had to put on pause and get up. I couldn't think straight, i was pacing around for a few minutes,i wanted a drink so i served myself a glass of water. At one point Josh inadvertedly cuts his hand by putting a glass down too violently while reliving his trauma. I didn't break mine but the scene flashed in my head while i put my glass down. "Wasn't i...wasn't he just reliving his trauma? Did it just triggered a reaction from me? Holy hell was this what some call panic attack? I just...had one?"
Those questions might seem strange for some of you, but i have no memories of my trauma. I was born prematurely, 2 months early,and my right lung tore itself at first breath. I was urgently put in intensive care where "skin-breaking" invasive medical procedures were done on me multiple times a day, for 2 months. I owe it my life, but back then we didn't know how traumatic all of this could be to a newborn. I was never given painkillers, only paralytics.
I don't have the memory flashbacks, nightmares or "conscious relivings", since we don't remember our birth (thankfully, good god). I only know about it because i figured it out/was told so 20+ years after event. Which means growing up, i couldn't make a difference between normal reactions and trauma reactions. What i thought was me being a turbulent 5 yrs old kid in a hospital was me having a PTSD "crisis", what i thought was me being a moody & sad 9-13 yrs old was me having a comorbid major depressive disorder.
What does all this have to do with *The West Wing*'s Noël episode? well on top of being a wonderful piece of television, it's an honest depiction of PTSD, where i learned that what i thought was younger me being on edge and shaking due to fatigue or whatever, was me having panic attacks.
Go watch it. | 7ptsd
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ADHD makes me feel like I’m always moving too fast while also being 10 steps behind. : For example: It always feels like my brain has 50 tabs open whenever I’m speaking to people.
I start on one topic and then it snowballs into another, because one small detail of a conversation reminds me of a special interest from my childhood in 2009.
I’m conscious of what I do at times, but I’m also...not at the same time. It’s some sort of organized chaos that people find endearing(kinda weird), but they do not know what to do with it?
Another example, they back off. I feel the other person trying to end whatever I’m focused on and excited to do.
I feel rejected, which makes me seem melodramatic or something.
I’m upset at them but I don’t even know what I’m upset about?
Like why am I mad at someone else for not actively engaging, because I am a rambling mess at 12am about some show I found?!
Little things make me want to scream and I’m in my early 20s so everything’s all “act grown” and stuff ya know?
But little kids with ADHD get a pass to act up, there’s all these books about them.
Like sometimes I wish I could just lay down in the middle of the sidewalk and scream.
My mind is either too loud, or the world is too overwhelming.
There’s so much to process and adapt to which makes me feel behind everyone else. They do not see the things I see.
People don’t have trouble with the things I have trouble with.
Why am I either so forgetful or able to memorize everything? Why do I get 10 assignments done or procrastinate til the last hour? Why do I follow my self care routine PERFECTLY or I sit there KNOWING I’m ~*hungy*~ AND don’t eat????!!!!!
It’s exhausting, and it’s still ME, but it’s just wild that it’s not everyone. I embrace it and I keep learning and getting better each day but gosh it is a lot!
Does this make sense lol? | 0adhd
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What About Bob? : For those of you who do not know the movie, What About Bob? is about a mentally ill man who is greatly helped by being told to take a vacation from his problems. It is a comedy, and funny things happen when he does that, but I love the basic point. So for the next few days I am taking a break from being bipolar, and I will be an ordinary human being instead. Or at least not the usual trainwreck I am.
For the past decade or so I have always managed to keep myself busy, and having plenty of things to do helped me manage. If I am always doing something that is expected I could force myself into a semblance of normality, but any time I was alone and had nothing to do things would collapse and I'd sit at home for days hiding. The last time I took a week of vacation I didn't leave the house for three days, didn't shower, and at one point went about forty-eight hours naked because I live alone and don't have to get dressed. When I had two days left before returning to work I had to force myself back into ordinary sleep habits, force myself out of despair and depression, and mentally prepare for work again. When I got to work on Monday I was relieved because I was no longer left to my own devices.
Well, now that I have finally finished that university degree and gotten a real job, I now have two weeks of vacation, which is the first time in over a decade that I have had that much time off. I was terrified. Seriously. Having a job kept me sane. The thought of having two weeks of no enforced structure and no external pressure was an existential crisis. Yes, I have friends/family I can visit and some volunteer work I do, but not having forty hours of work plus essays and readings to do created a huge void that crippling depression easily fills.
And then I remembered the movie What About Bob? and decided to try taking a vacation from bipolar. I got up, washed the dishes and made my bed, and then found my newest pair of underwear and got dressed. I'm not sure why the underwear matters so much, but knowing that I had on something clean that had no holes gave me mental confidence, even though I do wear pants in public. I went to the post office and mailed a form that I had been avoiding mailing because of social anxiety. Why am I afraid of mailing insurance forms? Anxiety doesn't need to make sense. I then went to Macdonalds and ordered a coffee from the most talkative cashier there to force myself to make conversation. I went to a mall and walked around smiling at random people as if I was confident and outgoing. On the way home I saw a pawn shop, so I went in and argued about the price of a cool hunting knife and then walked out pretending to be offended that the guy wouldn't drop the price enough. Maybe not the nicest thing to do because I had no intent of buying it, but it meant I spent ten minutes talking to someone instead of lying at home naked on my couch being too emotionally drained to cry. When I got home I made an actual meal for lunch instead of snacking in bed.
Later today I'm going to go to a nearby park that I saw on Google Maps that looks nice. Maybe I'll go for a walk. As a kid I liked fixing stuff, I might buy something broken off Craiglist and fix it, or fail miserably while having fun. There is a restaurant nearby that does cool events like trivia nights or board game dinners, I'm going there tomorrow. I am going to do all sorts of things I never do, because until September 10th I am not bipolar, I do not have social anxiety, I do not have semi-crippling depression, and I am the sort of person who wears clean socks and underwear every day, and I shave every day, including non-work days. I am on vacation from my job and from my problems. | 2bipolar
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Mental Illness: where the one Suffering gets less Sympathy than those around them : Don't know if this happened to anyone else who ever experienced severe mania, but even after my manic phase ended many people (including family and friends) showed more (and still show more) sympathy for those exposed to my mania than I ever got. My mania led to me getting divorced, and my ex-wife still gets more sympathy than I ever got from many "friends" (and even my Dad). I know it's hard being around someone who is manic, but it's really hard having bipolar too. It would really help if more of those people would say, "I'm so sorry you have this illness" like they do for other diseases. | 2bipolar
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Can I just say you guys are the best? : Seriously I am so glad I found this community. You guys are so supportive and whether it's advice, laughing at memes or just co-misserating you guys really help me out. I feel so much less alone ❤️❤️ so thank you all! | 6ocd
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My uncle passed away this afternoon and I feel more remorse for not feeling anything about it than I do for his passing. : This isn't even the first time this year that I have felt... nothing for the passing of someone who used to be part of my life. My uncle even lived with us for a while, but for the past 20ish years we've had zero communication and I just don't feel anything about his passing other than the sorrow that I don't feel like I "should." | 0adhd
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Say We're in a French Village in 1864, Who Would We Look to as "the Police"? : More specifically, would there be a unified, paid police force, or a designated constable? What would they be called? I'd absolutely love it if anyone could provide a starting point for research, such as a book or documentary they've found. Thank you in advance! | 5none
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Your depression ever get so bad that reality feels like a TV show? : I swear some nights when I'm eating dinner with the rest of my family, none of it feels real. Sometimes it's like I'm watching a bad sitcom that should've ended 7 seasons ago. It's not like main character syndrome, I don't feel like I'm the main character or more important than anyone else. I guess sometimes I just get down and everything around me starts feeling fake, artificial. Other times when my depression gets bad I think to myself that all of this is a sort of test. My head gets messed up, and nothing feels real anymore. I'm trying to practice mindfulness but my thoughts just become too overwhelming sometimes. I just hope that whatever I'm doing is the right thing. I worry about the future a lot, wondering if there's even a point to any of this. I wish I knew how to love myself. My partner and some of my co-workers tell me how good of a person I am, but I don't always see it. I just want to be able to see myself the way my partner sees me | 4depression
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What is Ho Chi Minh referencing here in his declaration? : "We are convinced that the Allied nations which at Tehran and San Francisco have acknowledged the principles of self-determination and equality of nations, will not refuse to acknowledge the independence of Vietnam."
What is he referencing here? | 5none
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why i almost never want to hang out : Because if I say "yes" and allot a chunk of the future to hanging out, I might regret it when the time comes and I'm in the middle of actually doing something productive!
Because my mind only will work when it wants to work. And it doesn't let me know when it will be receptive to work. It just is, randomly at times. So I have to man the station and be ready to work at all times. Usually, I am lucky and it happens before the deadline.
So until then, I am with my computer and work materials, browsing youtube videos and doing whatever. Maybe I will only be able to work at 3 am. Maybe the focus will happen at 8 pm. Hell, even 1 pm. But none of it will matter if I am outside spending time frolicking about. If I don't use that critical period, well, my brain doesn't fucking care if I didn't use it. It's very stingy. I beg it to focus before the deadline. It tells me, "I opened up a working period yesterday and 5 hours earlier today. Where were you then?"
So when someone says "let's hang out sometime this weekend/week", my first instinct is "I can't afford it", even though I am wasting hours not doing work....even though the work that needs to be done only takes 2 hours, but it has to be the RIGHT 2 hours, the exact 2 hours when my brain was willing to focus.
tldr; stingy about hanging out because I don't know what my mind will be like in the future. Maybe I will be in a productive state when I'm about to hang out...but by then I can't act on that lucky chance because I promised my friends I would hang out at that same time. | 0adhd
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I never forget bad things people say to me. I internalize everything over and over again. : Even though the person who said it completely forgets about it and moves on. They are the ax that chopped into me, and I am the tree.
Is this kind of thinking and ADHD thing? | 0adhd
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[VENT] When you're on top of the world, then you find out you've mildly annoyed someone and you go ballistic. : Just venting about today. :(
I basically woke up going "man, my life is great!", to an afternoon where my roommate told me she was annoyed that I skipped going to a workout class with her, to feeling like a useless POS and binging/vomiting/cutting/dissociating/fighting with my mother.
And I thought I was doing so well! | 3bpd
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How did later emperors view ideas like reconquering the west? : If the Byzantines claimed to be the Romans, were there ever any non-Justinian rulers who tried to conquer the west or some other Roman ideals. Obviously probably not by 1453, but maybe 6th to 12th centuries? | 5none
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No sex breakdown, please kill me (tw, sexual assault) : It's been two weeks minimum since we had sex and I'm losing my entire mind. I nearly kicked down my fence. How do you guys deal with this? I hate masturbating because it's so gd depressing, but also I get constant intrusive thoughts about people killing and raping me while I masturbate. So, it's not that easy. Omg I fucking hate this so much! | 3bpd
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PTSD from riots. Feeling so alienated : I live in a city where there was significant rioting at the end of May. I was present some nights of protesting and rioting, and live in the neighborhood where riots occurred. the area I live in is also low income, has a lot of homeless people and encampments that the cops keep sweeping. It's been pretty miserable and things are only getting worse. Ever since the riots I've been on edge waiting for there to be more protests around me.
I live near a hospital with a helipad and when the helicopters get too loud I freak out. Last night a shit ton of cop cars were lined up outside my house getting ready to arrest protesters. I could hear them joking around in their cars from my porch. I can see everyone around me on edge. At some point it hit me how fucking hard it is to live this way.
The protesters never made me feel unsafe. Even people rioting and looting didn't worry me that much. It was the fucking nazis running around and the cops tear gassing me and my friends and laughing while they bulldoze tents.
And I have to go about my life like everything is normal. I work as a college TA and I feel so disconnected from everyone. It feels like they've been living in a completely different city from me these last three months. I can't even give a fuck about COVID anymore. I feel like I couldn't even begin to tell most people everything that happened to me this summer. Like they wouldn't even believe me or if they did they'd be horrified.
EDIT: Thank you everyone for the kind words and advice. I was hesitant to post because I know that the critics of these protests can be quite loud, but I'm very pleased that there were very few ass holes (one got deleted by a mod before I even saw it, thanks for that). I'm feeling much better than I did when I made this post, I was really shaken by all the cops outside my house and once I was able to be alone with my thoughts I lost it for a bit.
RE: Therapy I definitely have reservations about it for a number of reasons but I'll definitely be looking into some work I can do on my own and possibly EMDR since I've had it recommended before. I've said this to people before but as horrific as things have been I am still SO lucky to have a safe home to live in, stable income, and a very strong support network of close friends. I had a few IRL friends reach out to me because they could tell I was struggling.
I do hope that reading this gave some people who weren't close to any riots some perspective on how damaging the current state of affairs is. I am not the only one who feels this way. I'm white, I've only had to experience this kind of violence very recently, I can't imagine growing up with this level of fear. | 7ptsd
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my brain during any work meeting : me: okay this time you’re gonna pay attention it’s not that hard
my brain: (suddenly creating a multifaceted 20 step plan of how i’ll become a competitive biker despite not having thought about biking in years) | 0adhd
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I have delayed social anxiety : Hi y'all. So I'm just posting this cause I need to vent a little.
So I have what I only refer to as delayed social anxiety. Pretty much I'll go to a get together with friends, relatives coming over, or a grad party, etc... And I'm fine for the first 1-3 hours and then I just can't function anymore. I zone out and keep thinking that all this is pointless and I have no idea what I'm doing here. I usually say I'm not feeling well and leave but as I get to my car my hands shake and I just feel Ill. I usually drive somewhere quiet and just sit in my quite car until I calm down.
It really sucks and I feel like I just need to spew my words into the Internet. Thanks | 1anxiety
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Tips for sleeping? : Been struggling with sleep for awhile now, but it seems to have gotten significantly worse the past month or so. I’m scared because it’s starting to affect my job (had to call out for the first tome ever last week), and because I start school again in two weeks and I’m worried it’ll get in the way of that too, though thankfully I think all my classes are online.
Basically, struggle with falling asleep, wake up continuously throughout the night, and/or wake up really early (4-5amish) and can’t get back to bed. I swear I’m exhausted the whole day and then when it’s finally time to fall asleep my body refuses lol. I’ve beeb taking sleep meds for awhile now, but I’d really like to not be reliant on that if I can; plus it helps with falling asleep but not staying asleep unfortunately.
Any pieces of advice? Does anyone else experience this? Does it ever get better/go away? | 7ptsd
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It’s such a double edged sword : One hand, it stops me from doing the bad things I’d want to do ( like self harm/ drug use) because it makes me scared but on the other hand, it stops me from doing the good things i’d want to do ( anything that could improve my life/ help me make a change)because it makes me scared. Does anyone else feel this way? | 1anxiety
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Acting opposite to emotional needs because of childhood neglect? : I've spent a lot of my life begging to be loved by someone and begging for something i need. When i was tiny (I would have been a maximum of 5 i guess) i remember feeling unloved by my mother, *I now know that she had postnatal depression after my younger sister was born.* I would cry outside her bedroom door so she'd come and hold me, kiss me, wrap me in bed, make sure i was ok. She RARELY did it (although i assume she did it enough for me to learn this behaviour) i mainly remember her telling me to 'go back to bed' through the door.
I stopped crying outside her door. I would cry under my bed. Or somewhere else she would definitely not be able to find me or hear me, like the airing cupboard or curled up in the empty bath *(something i've ended up doing as an adult when i've had particularly distressing arguments with my partner)* or tucked beside the toilet. Because then if she didn't come to help me, i could tell myself '*it's not that she doesn't care, she just didn't hear me'* ...i'd want her to come make things better but i would also leave for an excuse, to protect myself.
I've applied this level of manipulative control to lots of things in intimate relationships through my life. I'd act opposite to emotional needs because to 'figure out' if someone loved me or cared about me, and it has exhausted my most recent partner. I'd do it if i felt their actions did not match their words. Deliberately creating hurdles to see if he would climb them.
I know now, a lot of this stems from fear of abandonment. Fear of not being loved. I felt I would only receive love if something bad had happened to me. And if they didn't want to be there for me if something awful was happening well then they didn't love me.
If i'd make a situation slightly harder and they didn't try for me, then they were giving up on me, and i wasn't worth trying for.
No one wants to really believe they are worthless. So if i did push him fully away this would often lead to me begging or bartering for love or care or for him to come back, *because it was never that \*I\* i didn't love him, it was that i was scared he didn't love me.* And if he didn't come to me easily it would further affirm that i am not worthy of the love i am asking for... and the cycle continues.
​
I know this is a nightmare. I'm trying to work on my self esteem, to believe there is good and unique things about me. I'm trying to fact check a lot, so i can believe what people say. And then recognise when i am acting opposite to what i need. And instead, putting effort in to explaining what i am feeling or what i'm scared of so i can get the reassurance and care that i need... but it's been a f\*cking nightmare realising that it's effectively self sabotage. I hope this realisation is helpful for someone else too x | 3bpd
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Bruh I just wanna fucking sleep : I’m in that weird transition phase where my brain/body is exhausted from go-go-going for like a week, but I can’t rest because I’m still too wound up.
I’ve gotten maybe 10 hours of sleep in the past three days and I’m just physically, mentally, and emotionally wiped. This morning I had a breakdown once I started hearing birds chirping because I knew another night had gone by with barely any sleep.
My sleep Rx isn’t working, and neither is the OTC shit. Melatonin, diphenhydramine, dramamine, all of it. And no matter how hard I try to clear my head, I just lie in bed staring at the ceiling until I give up and go do something.
I’m so so tired and I just want to sleep. | 2bipolar
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Compulsive lying? Really scared, kind of embarrassed. : Does anyone heard of/have experience with compulsive lying as a part of OCD? I feel like I have to maintain these convincing narratives towards the people in my life to cover up the feelings I'm ashamed of, and my tendency to hide away and sleep for hours or feel terrified/angry for seemingly no reason. I'm not sure what to do, and I'm constantly afraid people are going to discover how awful and weak I truly am.
Sorry to speak so bluntly and personally about this. Honestly I just want to get a feel for how all this might be connected to OCD on the whole, to see how much of what I already know is relevant. | 6ocd
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The *Joy* of trying to get my prescription. : I have been lurking for a while, but something happened today that made me need to vent here. I am sorry if this is not the right forum.
I requested my refill during the holidays, my Dr. was away; got a message to pick it up today.
Went to get my paper script from my Drs. office, he forgot to sign it; nurse went to interrupt him to do so.
Drove to pharmacy to drop off script; "we wont have that until January 2nd."
Me: Are there other pharmacies in your chain that will have it? Them: We can't disclose that.
​
Every possible thing that ADHD makes impossible stands in the way of being able to treat it!
​
​ | 0adhd
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Just wanna say thanks to everyone who posts on here : As a lurker I really appreciate how supportive this community is. Once I got my diagnosis I felt so alone and I still do, but it’s really inspiring to see how much people really do care and are trying their best. | 2bipolar
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I'm 33 and I've attended college 5 times with no degree : My confidence is 100% shot, I don't think I can try again but I really want a degree. I feel like I'm a person who should have a degree. I have no hard skills and my work experiences is so varied, I have no specialty. Just lots of debt.
I go to look for jobs I get so depressed because I don't have discernible skills or a degree.
Do you think I'll ever try again and succeed? Has anyone had a similar experience but finally graduated? I feel like a total loser. | 0adhd
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I avoid revisiting places where I’ve had panic attacks or felt anxious in the past. Anyone else? : God sometimes it feels like anxiety holds onto everything. I get random bursts of anxiety all the time in public and I make the association that those places are unsafe. It’s NOT true. It could be a specific store in the mall, the train, or a fast food place. It sounds so stupid but I had a random panic attack in a Tim Hortons a few months ago, so I haven’t gone to a Tim Hortons since. I just fear the familiar unsettling sensations and reminders of panic hitting me all over again. I honestly don’t know how to handle this. | 1anxiety
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Film idea about Charles II : When the royalists lost the civil war, Charles II went into hiding and attempted to get to the coast so he could sail to safety in France. For two months he moved from place to place throughout the English countryside, as parliamentary forces searched for him. He even disguised himself as a peasant so as not to arouse suspicion, and later said this experience had a huge effect on him and his style as king. After all he was probably the only king to that point to have interacted with ordinary people and seen up close how they lived.
Would this be a good film idea? Any ideas for who would make a good Charles? He was around 6’2 and quite handsome apparently. | 5none
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Tattoos and BPD : I've read that tattoos are common in people with BPD. I've always wanted one (or multiple) but I don't have any, and I have a reason: I want a tattoo that feels like me. But "me" is just an empty blob of nothingness. Surface personality traits and likes/hobbies are all either ever-changing or flat out fake, and beneath that there's just... nothing. Even the few ideas I have for tattoos I'm reluctant to get because I'm worried that I'll do a complete 180 and then I'll regret it, since it's no longer something that I care about or like.
Does anyone else feel that way? If you do have tattoos, how did you pick them? If you don't, why not? | 3bpd
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F*** i hate you Borderline personality disorder - a short poem on living with this terrible condition. :
F\*\*\* I hate you Borderline personality disorder.
You make me feel in ways I can't describe yet you destroy every single thing in my life, you hijack my emotions and clarity, you make me so sensitive to anything, the slightest fucking change and u make me feel a volcano of emotions, you make me distorted and angry, you make me have no identity at all, you've robbed me of my gray areas and most importantly youve sabotaged me but I love you, I'm so resistant to getting u treated, I guess I'm a stupid masochist.
This illness destroys lives in some cases,It destroys your community (some cases) and most importantly yourself! It robs you of gray, everything is either black or white, you're so sensitive to the point a relationship update on Facebook can trigger you into a dark pit of homicidal anger, sadness, rage. You feel robbed from the things u think u deserved.
I know it's hard but one day you BPD wil bow to me, I will regain my identity, my self and my emotions, you will no longer haunt me and make me suffer. You are NOT ME, and never wll be me, i am not you!! stop destroying me.
\- my poem on Living with BPD as a young adult male. | 3bpd
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Has anyone had their anxiety reduce by decluttering/tidying up the living space? : I'm not a hoarder per definition (I don't think), but I do have a lot of stuff. Many things I don't really know what to do with. Hobby stuff from parents, old school books etc....they saved too many things. I also have several projects started but never finished.
There is a lot of nostalgia attached to these items, so they also feel comforting in a way.
But I've started to think if I may reduce my anxiety by simplifying, as the things also seem to take up a lot of mental energy for me.
I notice when I've been out biking/walking that my anxiety increases a lot when coming back to my house.
Do you have any experience of this or any suggestions? Thx. | 1anxiety
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I think I am going to be okay. : Looking back at how I was at the beginning of the year to now is a huge improvement. I haven't had a bad trigger or panic attack in a while (where it was happening almost daily) and I don't think I'm mad anymore, I will still get angry but it's not directed at anyone and most importantly not at myself.
It was a lot of work daily, soul searching, therapy, exposure, finding healthy outlets ect... But I'm pretty proud to look back and see the progress I have made so far, and I'm wishing you all the best in your healing journeys. | 7ptsd
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Dear OCD : Dear OCD,
You are an evil piece of sh!#.
I'm going to touch that surface once and then make you suffer.
With no love,
Me | 6ocd
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I feel alien and detached. I don't feel human. : I don't feel like I can connect with anyone, if that makes sense? Like I'm something else that doesn't belong.
I'm largely numb, except for when I feel a deep, crushing emotional suffering on my bad days. I don't know how to describe it. It's like a weight pressing down on my sternum & suffocating me.
I feel alien and detached. I don't feel human. I feel like everyone else's trauma or situations are 100% valid but like I'm just moping my way through life. I doubt myself & my experiences like maybe I'm just not trying hard enough and if I try even harder it'll flip the switch and everything will stop being like this.
I hang out with friends & I care for them. I love my fiance. But at the end of the day I just...I don't feel right. Like I don't belong anymore. I don't know how to express it.
The most emotion I can muster is when I get these bouts of consuming rage towards my abuser(s), myself, & those who enabled the abuse. I feel like I want to peel my skin off and tear everything apart, but instead I just slam my head into the mattress and scream into it while I get full-body shakes or I find myself starting to fight something that isn't there. It wears off usually after an hour and I feel empty again, and/or ashamed if my partner was there to witness it.
I'm in therapy (EMDR), and have been in various forms of therapy for years, I take my medications, do normal "human" stuff (bathing, brushing my teeth, going to work). I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel like I've tried everything.
Idk I guess I just wanted to vent. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read it. | 7ptsd
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New Ptsd Diagnosis : I (f/20) got diagnosed with PTSD at the beginning of November, and I have had so much going through my brain since then.
Particularly, I feel like my anxiety and thoughts of my trauma have heightened since I got diagnosed. Perhaps I feel as though I have just been thinking about it a lot because I'm starting to take steps towards EMDR therapy (which actually starts tomorrow) but I also doubt myself a lot about having it. There are times when I think about my trauma and I'm fine. It brings my mood down significantly, but I can handle it. While other times I am a sobbing mess. I've already been diagnosed by a professional, but I feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing and people have gone through worse. I feel like I haven't come to terms with having it. Is this normal?
Another thing is about accommodations, work, and school. going through this has stressed me out to no end, and it affected my school. I used to think I would be fine at work, but I called in the other day because I was having a huge panic attack, and told my boss I just wasn't feeling well and was sick. My boss didn't take it well and has been passive-aggressive about it since. Today, I felt super low energy, and It was hard to keep myself together at work. I don't want this to affect my work, but I don't believe I have a choice in that matter lol. I work part-time at a cupcake store, what accommodations do you think would be okay and reasonable to ask for? Should I discuss it with my boss, and if so how did you guys go about it?
Sorry if this post is kind of long, I'm not exactly sure what to expect going forward and some advice is much appreciated. thank you | 7ptsd
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There really are still good people in the world. : To start with, not many people in my family and life have tried to understand my PTSD or anything about it. They judge me constantly. So this experience was literally like a breath of fresh air and I felt I should share.
This man I met that came into my work shared with me that he also has PTSD. He asked my reasoning for having it and I immediately got uncomfortable and said I would rather not talk about it. He then told me about a book he read called “Until Tuesday,” from Captain Luis Carlos Montalvan with Bret Witter. The book is about a soldier returning from the Iraq War, losing his family and fell into a severe bout of PTSD. He finally meets this service dog named Tuesday and Tuesday not only changes his life but helps him get his life back. The book does have a sad ending and I won’t ruin it here, but it really speaks to the heart about the power of healing. Especially the power of healing brought upon by service animals. I too, have a service dog named Luna. This wonderful man was nice enough to bring the book back in while I was off yesterday with a note with his name and number telling me to call him when I finish the book. This just made my day, it really did. There’s so much negativity in the world today and it seems not many people will stop to do something nice for someone, or help them by doing a random act of kindness.
| 7ptsd
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Whats the point? : What exactly is the point to try everyday? Like im trying to do better to make my family happy but im not happy , im miserable at work, i go home and feel empty. And repeat the nxt day, now here i am on a saturday just laying in bed. I dnt know how longer i can do this tbh, its just boring . And im only doing it to make others happy which seems to be popular amongst us depressed people, we make others laugh but we all know where dead inside | 4depression
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Existing is easy. Living life isn't. : I feel like I'm switching into "Existing" mode. I'm only feeling apathy, nothing matters. I've lost myself. I know that. I want to change that. But I do not feel emotions... not yet. To my surprise... this is quite peaceful. No loud thoughts... I've dreamed of this silence... I've got what I wanted...Not for free though...
You only realise how much that person mattered to you when it's taken away from you. | 4depression
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Rode on the metro today! : I have contamination OCD, but I was able to ride on the metro today without mass panic. It was hard but I know this is what I need. I did wear latex gloves and take sanitizer but it’s still progress, isn’t it? I’m not to the point of being able to touch the poles on the tube yet, but this is the best I’ve ever done in about 5 years.
A win in my book! | 6ocd
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Need some advice on eating while having anxiety ! : My anxiety gets so bad i can't even eat and ill go days without eating, except a few crackers a day. The past week for example, ive only been able to stomach a few saltine crackers for lunch and then my anxiety is so bad that my stomach feels full and i get nauseous and like im going to vomit when i try to eat an actual meal. i force myself to eat some crackers so i don't feel so light headed and dizzy, and i also try and consume calories with drinks. and this is such a continuous thing, i can't seem to stop losing weight(weight i don't really have to lose). Does anyone have any advice to help pallet food easier when you have anxiety or any recommendations? my body is starving itself because of anxiety and i just need some advice :( | 1anxiety
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I wish I would just disappear and no one would notice I'm gone : I wish I would get erased that there's no trace of me left in the world.
If there's a god, please, erase my existence, like, no one would remember such a person existed in this world.
I don't want to commit suicide and bring shame to my family and to anyone who cared about me.
I just want to disappear without making anyone's life miserable. Living is terrifying and the thought of committing suicide is even more terrifying. I'm totally clueless about how to deal with the world.
| 4depression
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What are you proud of? : Let's go into this weekend happy! What are you proud of?
I'm proud of my accomplishments this year! I have been working at the same place for a year and plan to stay longer.
I'm proud that I put my all into work. I'm a toddler teacher, so you can imagine some difficulties. I care SO much about these kids. I have seen improvements in all of them, it makes me so proud.
I'm proud that I have been more productive. I used to take naps. LOTS of naps to get out of doing things. I'm better now, but of course I still get some naps in ;)
I'm proud that next week I'll be moving out of my parents house (I'm 20) to a different city to be closer to work. A little 1 bedroom apartment but that's all I need. Last year I couldn't even think about moving without having a breakdown.
Now that I've said mine, what are you proud of? :) | 2bipolar
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Academic Dismissal Success Story : So a few months ago I was "kicked", or dismissed, from my University for poor academic performance. I was ashamed to tell my parents, friends, and family, as I did not want to disappoint those who thought I was doing so well. I eventually told them everything and was able to come home and take that semester off. I applied for reenrollment that same semester and was denied.
I had lost all hope, and it was a really hard time for me. But I wanted to write this for people with ADHD who are having similar struggles to know that it WILL be okay. I applied for reenrollment after taking a semester off, and I explained everything in that application. I told them how I drank too much my freshman year, smoked weed, skipped class, and basically neglected all responsibility. I gave them a detailed explanation of the process I went through to get diagnosed and treated for ADHD. I really had no idea whether it would work or not, but I hoped for the best. If anyone has questions about what I included in that in more detail feel free to ask or message me.
I started contacting my school when I had not received any information back on my reenrollment application, and I heard back this past Monday. I was so nervous and anxious to see the response that I had to go sit by myself to mentally prepare. When I opened that email and logged in I saw my application was approved. I had no expectations for this to be the response, but it could not have ended better. I know the road to success is a bumpy one for those of us with ADHD, but I guess my point is that we will all make it, just on our own time. I hope that anyone who is struggling in college, high school, or even their job, realizes that we DO have the potential to meet our goals and overcome these obstacles. I've never posted on Reddit before but I frequently read posts from others with ADHD.
Good luck to everyone, it does get better!
| 0adhd
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F*ck people that say they'll be there till the end and f*ck off when it gets hard [rant] : Yeah sure, it's been a month er bit over a year since we (best friends) "broke up" but good god, fuck me for having ptsd and fuck me for falling for a guy and fuck me for making new friends and gaining different hobbies and fuck me for growing, definitely not necessarily in that order.
It's taken me over a year of heavy drinking and heavy therapy to move even *some* of the ptsd over to *begin* to process the fact that she abandoned me (agreed term) in one of my worst times of my life. How dare me. How dare I act normal (in the realm of normal) for being raped and how dare I seek out help. Oh, and how dare I not give her back her calculator when she asked (months after no contact), fuck me, right? I almost put a cheapo on her windshield but was told that'd be menacing and is illegal.
I *still* have bouts of terror when I eat out with family or friends because I eat fast and she really made it clear that when I finish eating before people, I make them super uncomfortable. *I had a full fledged panic attack at Cheesecake Factory because I finished my dish before my mother* and then attacked her with questions on the 1.5 hour drive home if she was mad at me for finishing early.
So yeah, I'm drunk and she can go fuck herself. | 7ptsd
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I apologized for my manic behavior and it actually didn’t go as bad as I thought it would : So I was acting extremely manic and basically decided I wanted to text people who barely knew me, bizarre messages at all hours of the night. Asking if they wanted to hang out, or sending my number because at the time I was being impulsive. Anyways I apologized today and basically explained that I was going through some things mentally, and that I will try to better control my behavior in the future. I didn’t come out and say I was bipolar, but they have been extremely understanding. I thought they would be incredibly angry, but it’s not that bad. | 2bipolar
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Oh boy have I found a game for you : We as adhders's enjoy video games. But they can't be long, repetitive but they have to be rewarding. I present to you the binding of Isaac. Every level is randomly generated with random items that do random things. It's incredibly difficult so ever bit of progress is rewarding. I definitely thought this post was longer but oh well
| 0adhd
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Forgetting Things: The Biggest ADHD Problem : I find so many posts on here and there’s always wonderful people giving advice on how to deal with it, now only if I could REMEMBER all of it, I would do so well.
It’s like having all of the weapons in your arsenal but forgetting you’ve an arsenal at all. It’s almost comedic if I weren’t suffering so much from the forgetfulness already. | 0adhd
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Earliest memory of OCD? : Just wondering what everyone’s earliest OCD behaviours were and at what age? Mine was the typical ‘pick this up or your family is going to [insert terrible event]’ or having to pray for every family member in bed each night, probably around age 9. | 6ocd
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Concerned wife seeking advice : Hi, tried to post before but my account was too new.
My husband was diagnosed with bipolar 1 with mixed features about four months ago. I've known he had some sort of mental illness for quite some time but he was not diagnosed for the larger portion of our relationship. I've tried to do research on the disorder and ask him questions to learn more about what he deals with but to be honest.... I'm lost when it comes to his manic episodes. I feel entirely useless and helpless helping him get through these tough times. The frequency of his episodes has really ramped up in the past 2 months. I love my husband very much and I want to be able to adequately support him and am very much willing to listen to anyone who might have a shred of advice for me.
Looking for help with:
- how to help someone in a manic but nonresponsive state go to the bathroom and eat and shower?
-what are common symptoms when going into a manic state? Any warning signs?
- tips and tricks to keep my own sanity while also supporting my husband?
Thanks all.
Update:
His usual patterns when he's having an episode is almost like he's drunk, stumbling, slurred speech, bouts of energy and then excessive sleep, tremors, the cold sweats.. Not responding to anything happening around him (for example tonight he peed in our room, I tried to get him to go to the bathroom but ended up having to use a plastic bag, the whole time it was like he was a zombie). I can't get through to him to even take his medicine without him being cruel(I understand this is not his fault, but man he goes for some low blows). By the time the episode is over (7-12 days) he maybe has 1/3 of memory about anything | 2bipolar
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Don't be a bully. : I just needed to get this out.
I had my first full blown panic attack at 16 in my physics class during a test. I knew I was going to have to face the cult of girls that had been relentlessly bullying me for months at an after school activity (I saw them everyday, but it seems that it was just the breaking point). I honestly thought I was dying of a heart attack and had to be sent home from school once I finally came out of the panic attack because I was so upset I threw up.
I'm 26 now. Ten fucking years of therapists, anti-anxiety medications, countless panic attacks, etc. Years of people telling me I just need to "relax", my own family not really taking my anxiety seriously, awkwardly having the discussion with close friends and significant others on how to handle a panic attack if I go into one around them.
As I was in the fetal position of my apartment yesterday during another one of those wonderful attacks brought on by (wait for it) the bill for my most recent therapist and insurance fighting the claim (Haha. ha.) a lightbulb clicked.
It may not be rational, but I can't help but blame those fucking high school bitches for creating me into the anxious monster that I am. I think that my experience being bullied altered the person I was becoming in a major, major way. Don't get me wrong, despite the bullying I grew up to be a very successful person and I've surpassed all the "bullies" in terms of leading a great life with an extremely well-paying career in a field I honestly love. But at the end of the day I am an anxious little ball of shit and at times it destroys me.
Moral of the story, don't bully other people. Just be a nice person for christ sake. | 1anxiety
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It's 2am and I think I figured out where this all comes from : TW (and tldr lol) sexual abuse/rape
When I was 16 I was constantly forced into sex by my boyfriend. It lasted for the last 6 months of our year long relationship. He was my first serious bf, and my first sexual partner, but he was experienced so I trusted him and thought that "this was just the way relationships go." Obviously, I was mistaken.
But it didn't really feel like a big thing, you know? My face looked terrible with acne, I was really skinny and pale, and constantly tired and very irritable, but I never felt the extreme hurt or violation that a lot of rape survivors feel. So I thought I'd gotten over it and that it was fine. (My parents literally thought I had taken up meth or something because I looked and behaved that bad, but I had no idea what was going on).
I definitely still have lots of problems with sex, which I've been working on for the past 7 years. I shut down, become suddenly extremely tired, and my mind just leaves if someone comes onto me too strongly. I thought that these problems with sex were the only things left over from my horrible relationship.
However, thinking instead of sleeping here, 2 o'clock in the morning, I think it's become clear that this has totally, secretly, infiltrated my life.
I must have control over everything! Otherwise aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh
I feel distressed when people ask me to listen to a song I haven't heard before, because I am obliged to agree, and then the new song takes up my mental space without my permission. I really have a hard time enjoying songs I haven't heard before, because it literally triggers fight or flight.
I think I am totally avoidant about cleaning my room, doing the dishes, or doing laundry, because it feels like I'm being forced to do it. And it means I'm no longer in control of what I do during the day.
I am very sensitive to touch, from material, to pressure, to human contact, and I think part of it is a 'how dare you touch me in that way?!' response. I almost feel like the scratchy tags on my clothes are maliciously trying to get my attention and irritate me. I'm repulsed by the idea of it.
And all the other things, like that I can't turn off the shower or get out of bed until it feels 'right'. I have to sit in the seat that feels 'right.'
So basically my theory is that my subconscious is trying to assert itself and make sure that I have control over everything, because I so badly lost all control when I was 16. I'm also afraid of things that are out of my control, because they might hurt me.
One of my friends commented that I seem scared of life, or like I'm holding back, and I think it all makes sense now. I'm looking forward to taking this to my psych next week.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far :) | 6ocd
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Catastrophe everywhere, how are you handling it? : Possible TW: mentions of current tragic events.
Hello my fellow anxiety sufferers, I am sure like most of you, I am having trouble feeling safe in this world given all the currents events. The most recent, TERRIBLE, in-despicable, tragedy happening in my own state.
Most of us know the world is not an entirely “safe” place, but these things being plagued all over the news make it so hard to feel calm. How are you dealing with it? | 1anxiety
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BAD JOKE !! : A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. "Wow", says the bartender, "Something bad must have happened". Yeah it did, he said. "I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.
" The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. "This one's on the house". The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks "Did you say anything to your wife ? " The guy answers "Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bag's and get out !"
"What about your friend ?" asks the bartender. "I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG " . | 5none
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My mood is very much based on how others act towards me and I hate it. : This morning my SO was in a shitty mood and took it out on me. He usually calls or texts me random things throughout the day and didn't today and it drove me absolutely crazy. All day. Constantly checking my phone. Wondering what I did wrong. Wishing he was fucking dead. Omw way home from work I was so pissed that I broke every piece of jewelry I had on off of my body and beat the shit out of my steering wheel. And then about an hr ago he called me to apologize for being a dick and I felt soooo much better. Like all of the shit I was feeling didn't even happen. | 3bpd
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Lack of empathy. But easily obsessing? : I came across an article that said BPD have difficulties showing empathy. One of it is this:
https://psychcentral.com/news/2015/08/31/low-empathy-associated-with-borderline-personality/91612.html
This confuses me bcs i thought BPDs are easily obsessed over things. Not that empathy and obsession are the same thing. But whenever i am obsessing over movies or anything, i try to understand (or to be) the character, to know how he's feeling.
Last session with my therapist, she wants me to be empathetic to my mom, and write it down. I have a REALLY hard time doing this. I can predict her actions, but not her emotions.
This confuses me. Hope somebody care to explain it to me. Thanks in advance | 3bpd
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Try to avoid reposting your intrusive thoughts everyday. : I don't mean to call out anyone in this subreddit but having scrolled through this subreddit, I've noticed that a good amount of people repost their same exact post here practically everyday and some even post it on other subreddits and repost there several times as well.
It's a form of reassurance and it will not help you. If anything, it will just make you feel worse and you will end up repeating the same cycle feeling worse each time. I understand that it's distressing and I certainly feel the same compulsion to just post and repost my old obsessions everyday for reassurance. But in the end, that uncertainty is there so I'd much rather just sit with the uncertainty and accept it rather than try to seek a full answer.
As a community, I also think we as whole should do our best also to not respond to any posts with reassurance since it will only make people feel worse. | 6ocd
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Bipolar enough? : I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (“other specified”, but similar to type 2) about 4 years ago, but it probably should have happen 10 years earlier... I have gotten good medical treatment and have amazing family and friends that I can talk to, but I still feel alone in this. I haven’t joined any groups yet because I’m not completely comfortable being open about it. I’m also worried about not being seen as “bipolar enough”, since my hypomanic episodes are probably considered pretty mild. I sometimes feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I’m way to sick to function in “normal” society, but maybe not sick enough to belong in the bipolar community. Anyone else struggling with the same? Or someone who has, but found their place in the community? | 2bipolar
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after 3 years I finally got a panic attack and I'm proud : 24M I did not have panic attacks for 3 years after shaking panic disorder out of me. 2 days ago I finally had one it was alot lighter and shorter than what I remember them to be. I did not expect it was a panic attack becouse I did not have one in such a long time so it freaked me out a little it got me off guard. I had the normal symptoms chest pain and shortness of breath only and thinking that I was dieing from pneumonia becouse I'm currently very sick. I don't use medication becouse they don't cure this type of disorder. I was genuinely surprised after having it that I'm not afraid of getting another attack again this means that I have fully broken the fear of fear loop that causes panic attacks. It's uncomfortable but not dangerous there is 0 reason to be afraid of them or stress about them. I broken panic disorder by stoping medication as advice by a panic disorder specialist and face tank them without giving one step back to my fears. Exposure helped me overcome the developed agoraphobias and fears as well. My exposure therapy was home made I did not pay anything to learn how to do them it's all on the internet for free. I'm sharing this story to inspire sufferers that there is really hope that it gets better overtime if you just try to recover and not stand behind meds and hope for the best. Everything is in the way we think. If your living in constant fear of something your bound to have an panic or anxiety attack you have to do something about it. Pills will just delay or worsen the problem they won't change the way you think after you stop them. Panic disorder is the most treated disorder of all time with the highest success rate let that sink in. I have no understanding of genetic panic disorder so I can't say anything about it or how its treated. Talk therapy has the lowest success rate for panic disorder, exposure has the highest followed closed by reaction prevention meaning don't react in any way to the attacks but don't ignore them just don't go oh I can't breath or anything just keep doing what your doing this way your telling the brain that everything is fine and that there is no reason to fire up adrenaline. This is my 4 years experience with panic disorder and the things I've learned over the years. I hope this inspires everyone and brings their head up high that they will recover or make it alot better than what it's used to be. I'm highly against medication but don't feel ashamed for using pills we all know how hard it is to live with a disorder like this and how debilitating it gets but try your very best to improve and overcome it. Don't just pray for the pills to do it for you there is no evidence that pills fully cure this disorder after stoping the pill. I hope this year all of you will massively improve and live a better life ❤️ | 1anxiety
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will carrying a knife make me feel safer? : often i feel unsafe and i percieve situations where i feel i would be safer mentally if i could defend myself IF something happens, and i know this sounds very unstable and maybe it is but i can't shake this paranoid feeling. | 7ptsd
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Have you ever been made to feel dumb for asking clarifying questions? : So I’m sure a lot of you can relate to needing to ask a ton of questions just to *really* make sure you’re understanding what someone is telling you.
Yesterday, at my job, I was supposed to be hosting a pretty high stakes presentation with another coworker. Before it began, my boss was just checking in on us and I asked her a clarifying question about a specific protocol. Instead of simply answering, she looked annoyed at me and asked me “[insert my name], what do you think?”
Obviously, I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t already know the answer! But I hesitantly answered with my best guess. Instead of responding to my answer, she then turned to two of my coworkers who were present and asked them what they thought of my answer. Finally, she turned back to me and said, “Yeah, so just use your common sense here.”
It felt unnecessarily humiliating, and I’ve had many instances of being treated like I was “dumb” for asking a question, but never by a boss. I ignored my feelings for the sake of the presentation, but later last night I ended up crying about it.
It doesn’t hurt as much this morning but I’m sure many of you may have had similar experiences, and I would appreciate any support or sharing of your own stories. | 0adhd
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ADHD-brain shower thought... : My ADHD brain and thoughts without medicine are like listening to an audiobook at 1.5x speed. I can technically follow along if I concentrate, but it's really hard and even if I'm used to the speed it's still exhausting because it's always just a bit too fast.
My ADHD brain and thoughts with medicine are like listening to an audiobook at 1x speed, which is normal and right where it should be. It's also so much less tiring, so much more enjoyable, and I can get so much more out of whatever it is I'm doing.
~
(I finally just got my prescription filled yesterday after almost a month of being without medicine (because of, you know, ADHD... forgetting an appointment, then missing a reschedule... etc. and yippee). I had gotten used to being off my meds during that time (and it was awful and I hated it and I swear it'll never happen again (ha..)). Today is the first day of taking meds since August, and oh man did I miss it. I've also just recently started listening to an audiobook for the first time, so when this analogy occurred to me I really wanted to share it with people who would understand and appreciate my moment.) :) | 0adhd
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So proud of myself today. I didn't have a panic attack when I felt it coming. : Getting a handle on your emotions can be very hard when you don't think or breathe. Usually I hold my breath and then start crying when I'm freaking out on the inside... But for once I did breathe. Took deep breaths and didn't get lost in my other bad thoughts. I was optimistic about what was gonna happen next. I thought rationally and got myself through having any kind of panic attack. I think I'm actually okay this time. But I am freaking out as I'm writing this. But only on the inside. So guess it's getting better. I thank my dad for wanting to help me even if sometimes I don't always agree with his methods, I try it out anyways. Love him so much😢 | 1anxiety
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High-Functioning Depression = People Pleasing & Dispair - Long, Sorry : I am starting to see that the reason for most everything I do is self hatred. I believe my only purpose or value in this world is pleasing and caring for others. It's why I'm productive.
My self loathing leads me to believe, true or false, that the people that say they love me, love me because of the caretaking and facilitating I do in their lives. They don’t love “who I am” because who I am is ugly -- I am weak, selfish and vision-less. So they love what I do for them.
I think many have argued that love is just a construct of need. That seems right.
This comes to the forefront of my life now because I am starting to fail at my traditional care-giving and facilitating roles. I am unraveling under recent pressure and stress. Things which I think others would find manageable, I cannot manage -- parenting one child, working full time, trying to manage a house, a business, a marriage and a few pets has me maxed out and on the verge of crisis. I asked family for help recently and everyone rallied for a week or two, but now all is back on my plate.
4 weeks ago, another layer was added, a dying Mother-in-law (on hospice) moved in with us, and she rightly takes precedence. She will likely live another year. I now realize, I will not be able to keep all these pieces picked up. For whatever reason, I am drowning.
A normal person would ask for help again or just remove things from their proverbial plate and let the chips fall. But I’m afraid that if I ask for too much help, if I am too selfish when others (Like my MIL and husband and child) need more, than I lose my value and the love will disappear. This may seem like an unfounded fear, but I don’t think so actually.
Because it’s not that too much has been asked of me. It’s that I am not strong enough and cannot handle stressors of life well. I have never been able to and once the people in my life experience this, once I have more needs than gifts, they’ll take care of themselves and move on.
This line of thinking is what brings me to the black and white, hiccuped thinking of suicide. I don’t want the people I love to know I’m an impostor. They don’t realize they’re better off without me, but I know they are. I know the truth. And they’ll understand, they’ll know it too, once I’m gone.
This is why I feel I either succeed at the challenges laid before me or I tap out. I realize this is odd and insane even. But it makes a lot of sense to me.
Now, add to that the reality that I am spoiled and ungrateful. More fuel on the fire of my rotten soul . . . to dare to be depressed when there are people who have so much less and need so much more. How dare I ask for anything? I have my health, a family, a home an food. This is more than I deserve, and if I find life too difficult when I have all my needs met than I should tap out. Because, let’s be honest, people with much more difficult lives are doing fine, coping well, and could better use the planet’s resources.
No need to post a hotline number number. I won't kill myself until after my son grows up. I’ll get some medication, ask for a workload to be lightened somewhere and see a therapist. But I do feel like these kinds of solutions never seem to stick. People stop helping, therapy gets repetitive, medication runs out or stops being effective. I think once people realize their lot in life, if unpleasant or dysfunctional, is permanent, they make the choice that makes sense.
TLDR: I hate myself because I am dysfunctional. Others cannot know or the love disappears. This is high-functioning depression. I think it'll eventually kill me.
I spelled despair wrong. Told you I was dysfunctional. | 4depression
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Political anxiety - I fear the future of living in the US as a mentally disabled person : As the title says, I fear the future of living in the US as a mentally disabled person. This is a long liberal rant, so if you don't agree, just move on, because this isn't a debate, and certainly not a place for hate speech.
I feel like our healthcare system is predatory, and will only continue to get worse. Universal healthcare seems about as likely as repealing the Second Amendment. I've been able to get the help I need, but with the proposed gashes to Medicaid, that help will be extremely limited. 86% of mental health services are paid through public funding, primarily Medicaid, and without Medicaid, getting mental healthcare through private pay would be prohibitively expensive.
Also, the growing alt-right and particularly pro-Nazi movement in the US is downright frightening. They are marching in the town where I went to college (Murfreesboro, TN), and in fear of the terrorism that white supremacists have created elsewhere, MTSU cancelled a high school band competition, and Murfreesboro is shutting down all of the businesses on its town square, where the rally will take place. It's so unreal to see literal terrorism cripple a place that I am so emotionally connected to.
There is so much injustice that follows this movement, including new racial and social castes, and the impending threat of fascist authoritarian control. It would create an increasingly threatening and repressive regime. Being a white male certainly helps, but being mentally disabled certainly does not.
I can't help but think about moving away soon. Maybe to Denmark or Norway. I want to take my friends and family away, because I don't want them caught up in this mess either. It's more than concern for me - it feels like a life-and-death situation is just around the corner. | 1anxiety
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Any monarchs described has having had loving relationships with their spouses despite having affairs during their marriage? : We have heaps of monarchs that stepped out on their wives because they could, because their marriage was a political match not a love match, etc. We have monarchs like Henry I, Henry VIII, Louis XIV, etc. who are by large remembered (at least now) for their affairs. But we also have monarchs like Edward I, Edward III, Charles V, Henry VII, etc. whose marriages have been well documented as loving and faithful.
Then we have Edward IV, also known for his many affairs, who married Elizabeth Woodville for love or lust. They had ten children and their marriage seems happy.
Are there any other monarchs whose marriages are described as happy or loving despite the monarch's infidelities? | 5none
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Quarantine made me have very low tolerance to anxiety and there is some stressful times ahead of me : Quarantine has been a very peaceful time for me, almost blissful at times, the world seemed as if it has stopped and I didn't have much to worry about
Now it's very hard for me to get out of my comfort zone and even the slightest discomfort stresses me out. Making plans with friends stresses me out,having to make phone calls with people I don't know very well stresses me out, and anxiety about the future Is starting to kick in.
In a few months I will have to present my thesis which is already delayed and I will have to do my military service right after which is very stress inducing on its own. I need to find a way to build up my tolerance to stress again to not become overwhelmed when the hard times come. Quarantine was a nice long break from responsibilities for me but it has turned me into a snowflake.Anyone in a similar position care to give some tips?
Ps. Sorry for the bad English, not a native speaker. | 1anxiety
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Do people with ADHD suck at art?? : I happen to have a severe case of ADHD and at the same time a severe case of “I’m shit at art syndrome” :). I’m just wondering if these 2 are related since people with ADHD don’t pay attention to details… Does this happen to anyone else?? I keep getting lectured by my teacher that I need to put in more effort and slow down, when I literally have no imagination, or pay the closest attention to details… | 0adhd
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Abandoned by therapist. Can't help feeling hopeless and don't feel like seeking another one after this experience. : Already struggling with a painful toxic relationship/breakup and now I've been abandoned by my therapist who after months of sessions didn't really do much except listen.
When I said I would like to see more 'practical' stuff like I read about for DBT, he said maybe I should stop coming because they don't have all the staff and adequate facilities (I feel like that's an excuse!) With BPD abandonment is already a big issue! Anyone else go through this? Angry and hurt already but this makes me feel hopeless.
Edit: just wanted to clarify the psychologist was recommended as someone qualified to provide treatment for BPD which included DBT (he also said so himself).
BTW I’m really newly diagnosed and never knew about BPD until recently. So thank you for all the insight and comments. It’s comforting to know other people have gone through it and are doing better. Best wishes to all. | 3bpd
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I think that I’m in the Rescue Stage : I’ve had PTSD since 2018 and just learned that PTSD can have 5 stages. I was sexually abused by my mom’s childhood friend while we stayed with him. It was only for a couple months.
Stage 1 was definitely 2012-2018. I was sexually abused at 12 and 14 (2012 and 2014), and dealt with the consequences of that.
Stage 2 was July 2018-February 2022. I finally admitted I was molested in therapy. Then, said I was raped. Didn’t believe myself for years until I realized June 2021 that it wasn’t just one time. I realized I had been raped 7 times, not including the 2 times he touched me before he first raped me. I didn’t cry much. I was so numb. I became an alcoholic. I drank so fucking much. I was sobbing on the kitchen floor drinking straight from a bottle of Everclear at 3 pm. I blocked it out so much that I thought I didn’t even have PTSD anymore. Most of the time I was afraid that I made it up
But the last five days have been hell. They’ve been fucking hell. It’s all coming flooding back. I have so many body memories. It’s like my body stored everything. It’s like he’s constantly touching me. He’s constantly inside me. I remember things he said to me. I remember what I used to daydream about when he raped me. I remember how gross and scared and exposed I felt as an adult man who I was told I could trust pulled down my underwear. I remember the guilt and shame and humiliation I felt as my bottom half was fully naked in front of an adult man. God, it fucked me up. I’ve had so many panic attacks the past few days. And they’re the kind that you end up throwing up from. I can’t sleep. It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep tonight. I only got 4 hours last night- I was up whimpering from body memories and flashbacks all night. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m scared of hospitalization. I can’t do a fifth one. I’m only 22. I’m falling behind in my classes. I’m afraid I’m gonna lose my job. I need to finish classes- I’m supposed to graduate next semester. But I’m losing it man. I’m fucking losing it. He took my childhood from me. I became an adult that day. I became an adult at 12 years old. Fuck, man. | 7ptsd
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A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains. : The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.
"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more." | 5none
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Took a lyft home : Took a lyft home from hospital i had a dermatologist appointment (a family member dropped me off and couldn’t pick me up) wasn’t bad at all! i was shaking so bad and nervous and my heart was going faster every second i thought i was gonna go the er 😶 but the driver was friendly the car was nice clean and smelled good. conquered a fear i guess it always isn’t gonna be like this (rude drivers, messy cars) but at least i did it i’m home now and my anxiety is low just wait until later lol but yeah 😊 | 1anxiety
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anybody have problems with skin picking? : i literally ruin myself by constantly picking at my legs, chest and face. i have scars on my body and red marks all the time. i cant seem to stop. is it a way to cope with anxiety or a self harm thing? i just don’t understand why i cant stop. it makes me so insecure:( | 1anxiety
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Stable...finally. What do I do? : I did everything they said to do. I took the meds. I drank a fuck ton of water. I started sleeping. I cut out energy drinks. I took vitamins. I eat real food. I meditate. I work out. And it worked. I'm stable and in a good mood. And I have absolutely no idea what to do with myself. I'm used to having to fight tooth and nail just to accomplish normal tasks, and those things are easy now. I'm used to having zero money and struggling to pay rent, and now I'm financially comfortable. I'm not rich but I'm not going to food banks either. I actually have the mental energy to do things now and I have no idea where to put it. Any ideas? | 2bipolar
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"Hm yes today I will acquire Dopamine." : Me:
>Plays video games.
>Does some art work.
>Talks to people.
>Pets the Pets.
>Does an exercise.
>Eats healthily.
>Applies self while struggling massively to not disassociate.
"Hey brain can I get a reward for applying myself?"
Brain: "Mmmmmmmmmmmm nah best I can give is two dopa."
...
Me:
>Takes stimulant medication and one (1) singular coffee.
Brain: "OH Yeah ok we're even, go feel happy for, doing basic human things now. See you in five hours :)"
...
I literally have to bribe my own brain with drugs in order to feel the same sensation that normal people feel when they complete a task. How can people feel that way constantly without needing to take medication??? I just want to feel happy for actually doing something mildly productive for once, man.
Posting this hopefully will bribe my brain with enough dopamine to finally go to sleep. Wish me luck! | 0adhd
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anyone else obsessed with other peoples opinion of you? : i can't stand the idea of someone hating me as well as the idea that i may have hurt someone. it honestly consumes me and i do so many checking rituals involving social media/texting to make sure certain people don't hate me. does anyone have a similar obsession? | 6ocd
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In medieval times, how was the Roman Empire seen? : Around 1000 years had passed since and technology had not advanced much, yet some differences in politics and society must have ocurred. Did they refer to the romans as uncivilized or admired them somehow still despite the centuries? | 5none
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C-PTSD vs PTSD? : I was wondering if someone could explain to me what the difference is in symptoms for CPTSD and PTSD? I was originally diagnosed with PTSD but there are a reasons to think it is maybe the C-variety. Does it means something different in terms of treatment or in symptoms? | 7ptsd
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Does anyone feel weird that they are themselves? : I can't really explain it, but it's just this constant idea that I am me and I feel really weird about it. It doesn't make sense, but that's the best way to describe it.... I can't really remember when it started but it's been nagging at me for the past few weeks.... I feel so different, like I can't return to how I used to view myself, I don't really even know how I used to view myself... Can anyone else relate? | 4depression
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My BPD Quirks. What are yours? :
I don't know if these are common things for people with bpd, but their definitely things I struggle with day to day. What are your random little things?
1) Fear of public transport
I'm hyper aware of being on trains and buses, I hate being in such a small place with so many people, plus I'm always worried someone will approach me
2) Switching to "good girl"
No matter the situation, wether I'm feeling awful or not if someone outside of my family or fp talks to me my voice changes and I'm all smiles, giggles and pleasantries, even if I really want them to go away or it's dangerous for me to be like that (a stranger coming on to me etc)
3) Fear of phone calls
I never pick up the phone. I hate not being able to see the person I'm talking to. (Although I'm totally fine with messages!)
4) Disassociating half way through conversations
I think that ones pretty self explanatory, and lastly,
5) fantasizing and making intricatly detailed plans about bombing my life just to pass time or as a stress reliever.
Edit: obviously I suffer from ye old self harm, impulsive self destruction, addictions, etc. Just wanted to share and discuss things that are a bit outside the norm | 3bpd
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Driving Anxiety : Is driving anxiety normal for people with ADHD? I feel like it comes and goes for me. Sometimes it's more extreme than other times.
I keep thinking that as a person with ADHD it's not safe for me to drive. But at the same time, it's not like I qualify for disability benefits or anything, I have to drive to function. Also, I'm not even a bad driver, but any close calls or minor mistakes like accidently cutting someone off will have me hyperfocused on the incodent for at least a week.
I think other things contribute to bad driving skills more than ADHD, like being tired, sleepy, generally distracted, but still cant help feel this way. Sometimes I feel like I'm my own worst enemy, by constantly doubting myself.
What are your ADHD driving tips? How did you get over your fears of driving?
My tips are:.
• Leave early to decrease chances of rushing yourself
• take a less busier or smoother route if possible (I do better when I'm not stuck in traffic)
• Music off and tell passengers to stfu
• be comfortable
• have water accessible | 0adhd
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I got into UCLA!!! : Literally SO excited, I got the email yesterday but didn’t check it because I was wayyyy too nervous
Got an email today while preparing to email screenshots from my Sims 4 build (my current hyperfixation, of all things!), and I saw an email titled, “UCLA Bruin bound” and I genuinely cried 😭 Texted my bestie and their sister got a video of them sobbing on the floor, it made me cry even more 😭😭
I managed to work through community college in 1 year, and with undiagnosed ADHD!!! Knowing now that meds would have made it easier (for me) makes this feel better in a way, because the education system isn’t designed for me and I still did that shit!
If I can do it you can too! Don’t want to get too preachy but I found what worked to get me through school, there’s something that works for you too! Keep searching, something as simple as noise-cancelling headphones was MASSIVE for me, so you know never know what it’ll be
and maybe I can make a list of things that got me through, but i’m also not the best student (ironic, i guess). They’re certainly not the cute/fun tips from those people who have beautiful handwriting and wield highlighters like swords, but they work.
edit: apparently this part was deleted when I posted, don’t know how i missed it…
(maybe I can make a post… eta: with the things that worked for me in high school and at my CC, which is pre-knowing i have adhd and post-rx. they’re maybe not the pretty tips you’re used to seeing people suggest, but they work for me!) | 0adhd
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Ever feel like your losing your mind? : Lately idk what's happening. I had my geodon upped yesterday but he asked me if I wanted lithium, but I had heard bad things so I said no.
Lately I really can't even keep up with myself. My emotions are all over the place, I've had awful temptations to buy shit, and I've also felt extremely depressed and extremely pissed off at the world and my life circumstances. I can't stop thinking and my thoughts are like a fucking jet. I feel extremely helpless and very motivated to go into self destruct mode and relapse on drugs and to just say the fuck with it. I feel like my head is exploding and like I'm losing my mind.
I feel like a "badass" but in both good and bad ways. I keep having this vibe (that I get often, but it's different this time in certain ways) where I feel like I'm in a movie and I'm the troubled, sometimes despicable and other times a great human being. I don't do anything wrong to anybody anymore, I just feel evil. I don't know why. My intrusive thoughts are extremely vivid and I often find myself going into a bit of a trance and snapping out of it almost having a panic attack
I don't know what to do, I want it to stop. I fucking hate this shit man. I feel out of control. Anybody else ever feel like they're going a bit insane? That's how I'm feeling and I really don't know how much longer I can go without doing something "exciting" to spice shit up. | 2bipolar
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Supremacy : Did you ever have the feeling for few days/weeks, that you're so much better than anyone? Like you're so wise and unlocked all secrets of the Universe, and you're ready to share them. You treat everyone indulgently.
It doesn't bother me because it's feels good and people like me more in this state :) I'm just curious why is this happening, is it a BPD thing? | 3bpd
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Identity Theft In the Middle Ages : I've always wondered how people in the middle ages - or any age pre-photography - verified the identity of important but lesser-known people. Of course everybody would have known what the king looked like, but how did the king's cousin's half-daughter prove she was who she claimed? Were people simply that good at identifying family resemblances in those days?
I'm thinking of a few dramatic situations where this might have come up; maybe a ruler sends an important prince to speak with a potential ally, or a lesser-known daughter of a faraway noble comes to town to make connections. Were there drawings/descriptions of all these semi-important people circulating around? Or were there other means of identification out there?
And then of course there's the pop-culture trope of the secret heir returning from exile to claim the throne. Is that something that has actually happened? And if it did, was there ever concrete evidence for the heir's true identity? | 5none
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I made my first doctor's appt for medication...but had to reschedule because i missed the bus : I finally got myself to make a doctor's appointment to see about getting medication because the unmedicated route hasn't been working for me. I remembered the appointment all week and planned to arrive 30-60 minutes. I felt that I was incredibly careful and prepared--I was more excited about feeling prepared than the appointment itself. Left the house on time, got to the bus stop early.
Waited and waited. No bus.
Learned the bus route had changed, possibly within the past day (this is the 2nd time its changed in as many months), and no longer passed my stop. There was another local person I didn't know waiting with me--they had taken the route just the day before. We were both astounded by the changes.
We tried to catch another bus together, but the driver at the new stop left without stopping for us. By the time this happened, I didn't even care because it was my scheduled appointment time. I had to reschedule my appointment for next week. The receptionist was polite about rescheduling and even gave me a gentle reminder to come earlier than the meeting time. I wanted to scream I KNOW.
I was looking forward to finally getting things done about ADHD and so excited about being on time because the appointment took me a year to arrange. Even having dreaded and expected all week for something to go wrong, I am so, so, so disappointed and feel even worse for it because of the emotional high just an hour earlier.
At first I was angry about the bus system's sudden disorganized changes, but now of course I'm most disappointed for having failed at something that seems obvious and preventable on hindsight. If I was really being careful and attentive, I would have double checked the bus schedule hours before I went so I would know whether to arrange alternative transport. I was overconfident because I'd been taking this bus for 10 years.
**tldr;** Took me a year to finally make a doctor's appointment. Remembered the appointment time, got to the bus stop early, waited for over an hour, bus never came, had to reschedule. Am disappointed and an emotional mess.
On the one hand, I don't think it's a big deal because I still have an appointment and I'm (99%) sure I'll make the next one after a day like this. I also don't think I'm crazy because there was a frequent bus passenger who was also confused by the route changes.
On the other hand, I feel like I failed myself again in doing the obvious and preventable and it hurts so much. | 0adhd
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Nostalgic Depression? : Does anyone else get weirdly sad when you think of your childhood?? EG I'm 22 and just heard a song on the radio from back when I was like idk 15 and it just made me realise how much happier I was back then and how much potential I might have had, and how I think 15 year old me wouldn't be proud at all of 22 year old me, stuck in a dead end job no talent and no aspirations.
Sorry for droaning on guys.
(BTW Im not just being edgy I'm actually taking medically prescribed anti depressants) | 4depression
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My partner has CPTSD and one of their main triggers is being around children. Are there others with similar experiences who could can share their stories, or help me understand how i can best provide support? : My partner is the love of my life, and a remarkable person who has achieved a lot of growth and is very driven. Unfortunately, they have been feeling very discouraged lately, they've expressed that it seems there isn't much hope that they'll recover from the abuse they endured their entire childhood.
One of their main triggers is being around children, especially younger ones, especially in a family environment. They go into a panic, and can't regulate their emotions as well. They don't seem to be a danger to anyone, but it obviously causes them a huge amount of distress, as well as guilt that from that distress.
They are aware and agree they need therapy, but until our financial situation improves some, that will be a while.
I have had an ex in the past who had the same trigger, so I know they aren't totally alone. But there aren't any resources to be found online it seems.
I know they would probably feel better if they could read about others with similar experiences, or be offered hope for being able to control their responses more. Any techniques and resources for support would be greatly appreciated. | 7ptsd
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