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FDA Rules Any White Liquid Can Be Called Milk #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing that the overly restrictive rules would be rolled back once and for all, the Food and Drug Administration announced Thursday that any white liquid could now be called “milk.” “Starting today, any opaque liquid that is pale in color can legally be labeled ‘milk,’ regardless of its origin, taste, or smell,” said FDA chief Dr. Robert M. Califf, adding that after months of crafting the new regulation, substances like clam juice, tofu runoff, sunscreen, and white paint could now be sold freely in the dairy aisle. “Glue is now milk. Egg white is milk. Even semen is now milk, no matter what species the semen comes from! Bottom line, as far as we’re concerned, if you can put it in a bottle or carton and then pour it into a glass, that’s milk. Period.” At press time, the FDA recalled several million gallons of milk after the white liquid was found to have come from the udder of a bovine animal.

‘I Hope Joe Burrow Takes A Team-Friendly Deal,’ Says Fan Who Will Be Laid Off Without Severance #~# WOOSTER, OH—With the Cincinnati Bengals quarterback’s future uncertain going into the final year of his contract, one local fan reportedly made his position clear Thursday: “I hope Joe Burrow takes a team-friendly deal,” said sales rep Matt Derby, who will soon be laid off without severance. “The Bengals front office believed in him, and he owes it to them to come back for his next contract at a discount,” said Derby, who is reportedly unaware that he will be terminated from the job he has held for nine years in four months’ time and will receive no compensatory pay. “You’ve got to do whatever you can to allow the team to go out and acquire more weapons for a Super Bowl run, and I just hope Burrow doesn’t selfishly put himself first. Those guys already make so much money anyway, and he owes it to the fans to take a pay cut. And if he won’t play ball, let him walk, and the Bengals can just find another guy, [the same as my company will when they cut me loose without so much as an extra few days of health coverage, never mind a thank you, and cause me to become steadily depressed while I spend an entire year desperately searching for a new job].” At press time, the fan’s friend, local assistant restaurant manager Chris Wharton, said that star players like Burrow have too much control right before answering a call from his boss where he was informed he’ll have to work all weekend.

Pete Buttigieg Under Fire For Using Federal Funds For Gilded Handcar #~# WASHINGTON—With watchdog groups decrying yet another instance of corruption by high-placed government officials, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was reportedly under fire Thursday for using federal funds for rides on a gilded handcar. “Government documents show that in the year 2022 alone, Secretary Buttigieg used over $12 million of taxpayer money for the personal use of a luxury government pump trolley,” wrote ProPublica journalist Bethany Pace, whose investigation found that the head of the U.S. Department of Transportation, his aides, and even his family used lavish government handcars for personal travel across the country. “Like many other U.S. officials, Secretary Buttigieg is showing his contempt for American taxpayers by wasting their hard-earned money on frivolous handcar excursions. Agency documents show that the secretary and several transportation industry lobbyists hand-cranked the gold-covered, diamond-encrusted handcar for three separate weekend trips. This is a flagrant disregard for the standards of his office, and he should not expect everyday Americans to foot the bill for posh overnight getaways on the rails with his family. He should be taking public handcars like everyone else.” Buttigieg was also accused of misusing government funds on lavish private dinners, including one banquet last fall where he and several other agency officials reportedly consumed over $500,000 of salt pork, hardtack, and cowboy coffee.

2,000-Year-Old Roman Sex Toy Found In England #~# Experts say that a nearly 2,000-year-old wooden, penis-shaped object that was recently discovered in England could have served as a sexual tool by ancient Romans in Britain. What do you think?

Fish And Wildlife Service Announces Great Trout War Has Finally Ended #~# WASHINGTON—In response to decades of hostility coming to a close, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced Thursday that the Great Trout War had finally ended. “After 12 years of conflict, trout leaders have signed an accord at the Lake Superior Summit putting an end to the war that has taken countless trout lives,” said Fish and Wildlife Service director Martha Williams, explaining that the U.S. would now be pulling troops out of their bases in the Cuyahoga and Rio Grande rivers. “After decades of bloody infighting, peace, as fragile as it may be, has been forged between the trout dynasties. The Brown Trout Triumvirate has complied with the Rainbow Trout Federation’s demands, while the extremist Cutthroat Trout Syndicate has surrendered. They almost fought themselves to extinction, and as there are no real winners in a conflict so destructive, we are just happy that we were able to install democracy into our nation’s rivers and streams.” At press time the U.S. was criticized for only being involved in the Great Trout War to push imperialist interests.

What To Know About ‘The Last Of Us’ #~# The Last Of Us, the post-apocalyptic drama series based on a 2013 video game, has shot to both commercial and critical stardom. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about The Last Of Us.

Nation In State Of Emergency After Entire Population Goes Missing #~# WASHINGTON—An AMBER Alert ringing out across the country to no one, the nation was placed in a state of emergency Thursday after the entire population went missing. “After being unable to determine the whereabouts of all 330 million residents of the U.S., we have been forced to declare a state of emergency,” read a statement from authorities, who were nowhere to be found, explaining that every single man, woman, and child in the country was last seen living their regular lives drinking with friends, shopping for groceries, and hiking before mysteriously vanishing without a trace. “Unfortunately, not a single person in the nation left any notes behind that would give us any hints as to where they may have gone. We are also unable to form a search party to look for them given anyone we could ask to look has also gone missing.” At press time, every single American had turned up in Serbia living under false identities.

Saddest Requests Elon Musk Has Made At Twitter Since Taking Over #~# Since taking over as the CEO of Twitter, Elon Musk has instituted several sad, pathetic company policies driven almost entirely by his ego. Here are the most cringe-worthy requests Musk has made so far.

First Generation iPhone Sells For $63,000 #~# A factory-sealed, first-generation iPhone sold at auction for $63,356.40, more than 100 times its original price, after a woman was gifted the phone in 2007, but never opened it because she didn’t want to get rid of her other phone. What do you think?

‘10 Palestinians Dead After Israeli Raid,’ Reads Headline That Could Have Run Any Week For Past 75 Years #~# NABLUS, WEST BANK—In a journalistic dispatch produced moments after the military operation, the headline ‘10 Palestinians Dead After Israeli Raid’ was published Wednesday as part of a news story that reportedly could have run any week for the past 75 years. “At least 10 Palestinians were confirmed killed, with dozens more severely wounded,” continued the article that sources confirmed could theoretically have been released at any juncture since the mid-20t century, and, indeed, decades before then. “Found among the rubble were children and elderly residents, several of whom are now in critical condition. Scores of others were injured in the raid.” At press time, world leaders were calling the loss of life “concerning” in statements that will almost certainly continue to be released for decades into the future.

Baltimore Ravens Top ESPN’s Way-Too-Late 2012 NFL Power Rankings #~# BRISTOL, CT—ESPN reportedly encouraged their readers to debate a new list the site published Wednesday, declaring that the Baltimore Ravens topped their way-too-late 2012 NFL Power Rankings. “Sure, in 2023 it might seem way overdue to be speculating on who was looking good in 2012, but I have to go with the Ravens in the No. 1 slot based purely on the fact that they won the Super Bowl that season,” wrote ESPN reporter Tim McManus, urging readers to share the list far and wide online and to keep clicking to ESPN’s new way-too-late player rankings that had Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson as the 2012 MVP. “It might be controversial, but I have to go with the San Francisco 49ers in the number two slot, because ultimately, I think they had the talent to make it to the Super Bowl. And of course, you don’t want to write off the New England Patriots juggernaut, but since I get to make the rankings, it’s way too late to suggest that Tom Brady & co. won’t be able to beat the Ravens in the AFC Championship. And my heart goes out to fans of the Kansas City Chiefs, who our way-to-late rankings have finishing dead last, at 2-14 on the season—hopefully there are better times ahead.” The way-too-late rankings are reportedly part of ESPN’s strategy to increase pageviews with content ranking elements of the distant future and the remote past, as well as speculative time; as of this writing, the site’s featured story was “Our Way-Too-Incomprehensible 28999X9 NFL Rankings Show Bo Jackson’s Reanimated Corpse Leading The Austro-Hungarian Cowboys To The Bottom Of The Sea.”

Astute Movie Viewer Can Tell Dog Not Really Talking #~# LA GRANGE, IL—Demonstrating his extensive knowledge of the film industry, astute moviegoer Xavier Hoffman was reportedly able to discern Wednesday that the dog on screen was not really talking. “It may look real to the untrained eye, but if you look very closely, you’ll notice that they’re lips aren’t actually moving,” said Hoffman, who pointed out that although the golden retriever’s head occasionally jerked to and fro as the character addressed the others on screen, for the most part, the dog actor’s mostly panting mouth did not line up with the dialogue of the film. “Yep, that’s fake. Back in the day, Hollywood used to use real talking dogs all the time, but I guess they’re too cheap and just cut corners now. I only know because I watch so many movies. Another trick you can use is to look up the credits. I’ll give it to them though, they almost had me. That said, the cat is actually talking.” At press time, Hoffman added that at the very least, the filmmakers were using lip-synching.

Woman Just Has One Of Those Faces Strangers Feel Comfortable Masturbating To #~# CHICAGO—Laughing off another encounter, this time while riding the bus, local woman Lillian Bedford confirmed Wednesday that she just has one of those faces strangers feel comfortable masturbating to. “Waiting for a train, in line at the supermarket—people always come right up to me and start playing with themselves,” said Bedford, adding that she suspects it’s her disarming smile that puts strangers at ease enough to approach her in public and begin aggressively massaging their genitals. “It happens everywhere. Even if I’m standing with a group of friends, they march right up to me specifically and tell me they’re going to cover me in dick nectar. I think it has something to do with energy, like maybe my aura is giving off vibes that are especially welcoming to loads of cum. A lot of people tell me I look familiar, too, like they’ve jerked off to me somewhere before. One guy even said it was because I reminded him of his mother. I don’t mind, though. It’s not like I’m so busy that I can’t stop for a couple minutes and let them climax.” At press time, Bedford wondered aloud if her magnetic personality had anything to do with the fact that she was constantly masturbating in public.

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With J.K. Rowling #~# J.K. Rowling: “Tell me which genitals you have right now.”

Parents Trick Child Into Eating More Vegetables By Hitting Him If He Doesn’t Eat Vegetables #~# DAYTON, OH—Insisting that it worked every time, local parents Lewis and Dawn Ladin tricked their child into eating more vegetables Wednesday by hitting him if he didn’t eat his vegetables. “I’ve found the best way to dupe my kid into eating healthy is to clobber him if he refuses,” said Lewis Ladin, claiming that sneakily smacking his son in the back of the head never failed to get the child to scarf down a full serving of broccoli. “If he’s being particularly finicky about having his greens, sometimes I like to hide cauliflower in a sock and wail on him with that. Now he begs to eat spinach rather than endure the thrashing.” At press time, Ladin told his son that eating his Brussels sprouts was essential for growing up big and strong enough to fight back.

Alabama Taking Steps Toward Using Nitrogen As Execution Method #~# Alabama officials say they are close to completing a protocol for using inert gas asphyxiation to carry out executions, a method that would force an individual to only breathe in nitrogen, depriving them of the oxygen needed to maintain bodily functions. What do you think?

Over 100 Children Found Working Hazardous Jobs At Slaughterhouses #~# The Labor Department found that a major U.S. sanitation company illegally employed at least 102 children as young as 13 at over a dozen slaughterhouses in jobs that had them using caustic chemicals to clean razor-sharp saws. What do you think?

Ohio Officials Point At Glass Of Water To Assure East Palestine Residents It Safe To Look At #~# EAST PALESTINE, OH—Stressing that there was nothing to worry about in the wake of a derailment of a train carrying the toxic chemical vinyl sulfide, Ohio officials pointed at a glass of water at a press conference Tuesday to assure residents that it was still safe to look at. “See? Absolutely nothing to worry about glancing at a full cup of water taken from this town’s water supply—here! I’ll do it myself!” said Governor Mike DeWine as he maintained firm eye contact with the drinking vessel, admitting that there was a slight tingling in his ears but that this was expected from looking at any normal glass of water. “Don’t be afraid to turn on your shower and really take a gander. Obviously, don’t look too long, or else you’ll get a little ache behind your eyes like I am right now. Huh, it actually kind of hurts. I want to look away, but I can’t. Sorry about this. I might need a second.” At press time, the governor’s head had imploded.

U.S. Successfully Shoots Down Kid Jumping Too High On Trampoline #~# WASHINGTON—Following weeks of closer scrutiny into objects entering U.S. airspace, Pentagon officials announced Tuesday that they’d successfully shot down a kid jumping too high on a trampoline. “The airborne object spotted about nine feet above a small midwestern town was successfully downed by an American F-22 with NORAD,” said Pentagon press secretary Brig. Gen. Patrick Ryder, confirming that the kid had been jumping way too high to not pose a very real threat to civilian air traffic. “We noticed the suspicious 10-year-old repeatedly approaching the United States fly zone on an erratic launch pattern, and our people had no record of approval for him to be at that altitude. As soon as we saw him bringing in a huskier boy for a double-bouncing maneuver, we knew we had to take action. We have not yet identified the purpose of such vigorous jumping, but we do believe his intentions were to get a better look at the rest of the neighborhood from up high in order to gather confidential state secrets.” At press time, the Pentagon claimed to have found additional evidence that the bouncing child was sent to the Michigan suburb by a foreign terror organization.

Apologetic Don Lemon Clarifies A Woman’s Relevance Is Not Defined By Age, But Conventional Attractiveness #~# NEW YORK—Walking back his previous comments that Republican presidential hopeful Nikki Haley was past her “prime,” an apologetic Don Lemon clarified to reporters Tuesday that a woman’s relevance was not defined by age, but by conventional attractiveness. “It doesn’t matter if a woman is in her 20s or her 70s, her value is only dependent on how hot she is by traditional beauty standards,” said Lemon, adding that as long as a woman has an hourglass figure and symmetrical features that are pleasing to the eye, she can continue to be a valuable contribution to society way past 40. “The reference I made to a woman’s ‘prime’ was unartful and irrelevant, and I realize that being younger does not automatically give someone more worth, especially if they’re overweight. The only requirement a woman needs in order to have any relevance is to be a total smoke show.” Lemon continued that he was extremely sorry for suggesting that Nikki Haley was past her prime when really all she needed was a little Botox or filler.

Biden Informs Zelensky He Only There To See Ukrainian Woman He Met Online #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I can’t stick around—do you know where any internet cafes are? I don’t want to keep Nadiya waiting,” said Biden, who opened up the camera roll on his phone to show Zelensky a photo of the Ukrainian woman he had been chatting with over Facebook Messenger for the past seven months, stating that she was apparently 53 years old and loved the Minions franchise. “We talk practically every day. I send her a ‘good morning’ text when I wake up, and I send a ‘good night’ text before I go to bed. I think there might be a time zone difference, but still. She’s a classic beauty, isn’t she? I’m telling you, I feel a real connection with this woman. I hope she isn’t surprised to see me.” At press time, Biden told Zelensky he was going to need to take back some aid since Nadiya had asked him to send her $700.

Study Finds More Americans Turning To Own Feverish Imaginations For News #~# NEW YORK—A major study published Tuesday by the Center for Media Relations revealed that more Americans than ever are turning to their own feverish imaginations for the news. “The majority of Americans just no longer trust mainstream news sources and are instead looking to their own deranged psyches to determine whether the moon is Chinese or gay people are coming to steal their clothes,” said study co-author Terrance Adams, pointing to eroding faith in establishment media organizations like ABC, CBS, and NBC for the rise in Americans looking to whatever insane whim flits across their consciousness to understand if leprechauns are real or if infectious diseases are caused by tiny men inside their blood. “Of course, there are advantages to relying on sources like the deepest, most untethered corners of your mind. For example, it can simply make up a demented answer to a question on any topic on the spot. Legacy media operations really can’t keep up with that pace.” Adams rushed to add that the study didn’t apply to Rupert Murdoch, who could see his own febrile imagination on display daily on Fox News.

Man Never Thought He’d Become One Of Those Bug-Laid-Eggs-In-His-Ear Kind Of Guys #~# NORRISTOWN, PA—Expressing disbelief in how different his life had turned out, local man Jerrod Kendal told reporters Tuesday that he never thought he would become one of those bug-laid-eggs-in-his-ear kind of guys. “Sure, I always thought there was a chance I’d one day grow up to be a tapeworm-in-the-digestive-system type, but a fly-larva-in-the-ear-canal person? Never in a million years—Yet, here I am,” said Kendal, adding that as a kid, he figured by the time he was 40, he might have a tick burrow into his flesh or his body might host a nematode, but noted that obviously things change as one gets older. “You hear about bug-laid-eggs-in-their-ears guys all the time, but you never think that’s going to be you until you wake up one morning with maggots crawling out of your head. I used to look down on those who scooped insect eggs out of that particular orifice, but now that I’m one of them, I see how judgmental I used to be and now embrace who I’ve become.” At press time, Kendal admitted that he also never thought he’d have spiders living in his brain either, but as he’s learned in his short time here on this earth, life’s full of surprises.

Woman Surprised By How Easy It Is To Get Along With Sister Now That They’re Adults Who Never See Each Other #~# DOVER, NH—Calling it a 180-degree pivot from the bitterness and animosity of their youth, local woman Talia Bowman told reporters Tuesday that she was surprised by how easy it was to get along with her sister now that the two of them were adults who never saw each other. “When we were kids, we used to say the cruelest things and scream and fight until we would both cry, but I guess our relationship has just been able to mellow out since we’ve become older and more mature with 3,000 miles between us,” said Bowman, who expressed her absolute relief and delight that the two didn’t go at each other’s throats anymore now that they had moved to opposite sides of the country and not had a conversation since 2009. “I would mock her acne, and she would tell me I couldn’t borrow her clothes because I was too fat. But now I can’t even remember what her face looks like! Isn’t it nice how sometimes those things just work themselves out with time? Getting along is just so effortless now that we’re at the point where I wouldn’t even recognize her on the street.” At press time, Bowman added that even her relationship with her parents had improved with time now that the two of them were dead.

Weirdest Things People Do To Celebrate Mardi Gras #~# Mardi Gras is a raucous festival that starts on Fat Tuesday and lasts until Ash Wednesday. Here are the strangest things Catholics do to celebrate the holiday.

God Admits He’s A Little Flattered When Someone Kills In His Name #~# HEAVEN—Saying He guessed His love language was just acts of service, the Lord God, He Who Commanded Light To Shine From The Darkness, admitted Tuesday that He is still a little flattered when someone kills in His name. “Yeah, I know, I know—people shouldn’t do it, but I can’t help but feel a bit touched when someone blows up a couple dozen people in a crowded marketplace just for little old Me,” said the Divine Creator, adding that when He got down in the dumps, it was a real pick-me-up to be reminded that He was worth beheading, slaughtering, or gunning down tens of thousand of innocents over. “I know it’s bad. People really shouldn’t kill. But what can I say? I appreciate the attention. Especially genocides. I mean, it’s hard not to blush when someone is killed on an altar for you.” God added, however, that nothing would ever beat the confidence boost he received several millennia ago when one of His followers tried to sacrifice a son for Him.

Marrying Woman Who Doesn’t Eat Her Pizza Crusts Best Decision Man Ever Made #~# HOUSTON—Expressing overwhelming gratitude for his partner, local man Tyler Dorfman told reporters Monday that marrying his wife Kelsey Dorfman, a woman who doesn’t eat her pizza crusts, was the best decision he ever made. “It’s basically double the crusts, or kind of infinity crusts when you think about how much more pizza in our lifetime we still have left to eat,” said Dorfman, who shuddered with dread as he speculated what would have become of his life if he had never met the woman who left the discarded crusts piled on the edge of her plate every time the couple ordered pizza approximately two to three times a month. “Yep, I pretty much won the jackpot with this one. Sometimes I even dip them in ranch dressing. Otherwise, we fight constantly and it’s pretty much a loveless marriage, but I can’t get enough of these crusts!” At press time, Dorfman added that if the couple ever had a kid, hopefully the child wouldn’t like to eat their pizza crusts either.

Catalytic Converter Stolen From Oscar Mayer Wienermobile #~# Thieves stole the catalytic converter from the iconic Oscar Mayer Wienermobile while it was parked overnight during a promotional visit for the Super Bowl in Las Vegas last week. What do you think?

Compassionate Pete Buttigieg Cuts Train’s Brake Lines So It Can Run Free #~# WASHINGTON—Fighting back tears as he mustered the courage to do what needed to be done, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly cut a train’s brake lines Monday so it could run free. “Go, just get out of here! You’ve been trapped for too long, and you deserve to roam,” a visibly distressed Buttigieg said as he slapped the train’s caboose, attempting to push it out of the rail yard. “Get out of this terrible place! Go play with the other trains! Come on, get. Can’t you see you’re not wanted here anymore!? Don’t look back, you beautiful creature.” At press time, sources confirmed a teary-eyed Buttigieg had to put the train out of its misery after it had derailed, spilling toxic chemicals.

Rick Moranis Announces Plan To Pop Into Your Head Right Before You Orgasm #~# NEW YORK—Emerging from decades of self-imposed retirement to insert himself into your most intimate fantasies, actor and comedian Rick Moranis announced Monday that he had plans to pop into your head for no discernible reason right before you orgasm. “After years away from your thoughts, I’m thrilled to have this opportunity to return to your consciousness at the moment of sexual climax,” said the Honey, I Shrunk The Kids and Little Shop Of Horrors star, explaining that the role of randomly appearing in your mind just as you achieve full erotic release would be demanding, but he was up to the challenge. “Sure, an orgasm might not be the most ideal time to think about Dark Helmet from Spaceballs, but what are you gonna do? And who knows, if you’re really lucky I might with no explanation bring someone like Wayne Knight or Randy Quaid along with me so we can all be there together the instant you cum.” The announcement follows a Kinsey Institute survey conducted last year that found 83% of Americans still jerk off to Moranis’ early work on SCTV.

Mature Cat Not Going To Waste Time Chasing Laser That Doesn’t Want Her #~# LAREDO, TX—Explaining that she was more or less content with the life she’d made for herself, a local cat reported Monday that she wasn’t about to waste her time chasing a laser that didn’t want her. “Sure, in my younger years, I’d run all over the place for some laser that clearly had no real interest in me, but at this point, I just don’t have the energy for that nonsense,” said Cleo, a 7-year-old gray-striped tabby cat, noting that she had plenty of balls of yarn to bat around and was perfectly capable of skittering around the apartment on her own without some laser leading her on. “I just realized at a certain point that I don’t need a laser to be happy. If a laser comes along that is serious about not running off on me the first chance it gets, that’s great—but if not, that’s okay too. After all, what did I ever get from running after lasers but a burned retina?” Cleo went on to observe that every minute she didn’t waste chasing a laser was a minute she could spend lying on the couch licking her own genitals.

Politicians Explain Why TikTok Should Be Banned #~# While TikTok remains the most popular social media platform among today’s youth, many critics accuse the Chinese government of using it as a tool to spy on Americans. The Onion asked several prominent politicians why the app should be banned, and this is what they said.

Evangelical Leaders Announce J.K. Rowling Finally Bigoted Enough That It’s Okay For Kids To Read About Witchcraft #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Following a series of transphobic comments by the Harry Potter author, the nation’s top evangelical leaders announced Monday that J.K. Rowling had finally become bigoted enough to make it okay for kids to read about witchcraft. “While I always appreciated Ms. Rowling making the greedy banker goblins a thinly veiled stand-in for the Jews, it is only with her assertions that trans women aren’t women that I’ve finally come around to allowing children to read her books,” said evangelist and Focus on the Family president Jim Daly, explaining that while he still did not approve of the satanic imagery embedded throughout the Harry Potter series, Rowling’s consistent dehumanization of people who are different from her had prompted him to reconsider. “I understand that her tacitly justifying slavery though the depictions of house elves was meant as an olive branch, but now, with her steadfast commitment to demonizing trans people, she has finally won us over. And look, I’m not thrilled about the idea of my children potentially learning spells, but I’m willing to overlook that considering one of the only Asian characters in the entire franchise is named Cho Chang.” At press time, Harry Potter received a full-throated endorsement from evangelicals for introducing an entirely new set of bigoted slurs to explain half-magic and non-magic people.

‘Layoffs A-Comin’,’ Whispers Wizened Office Sage Staring Out Over Horizon #~# OMAHA, NE—Noticing a shift in the winds and a rustling of leaves off in the distance, wizened office sage Frank Cahill whispered “Layoffs a-comin’” Monday as he stared out over the horizon. “Looks like diminishing head counts are coming in fast from headquarters in the East,” said Cahill, pointing to a herd of sales team members who were already acting restless in their cubicles and were reportedly “fixin’ to bolt.” “I got that same tightness in my knee I felt during the bad Q1 of ’18, a sure sign that severance offers are headed this way. If people know what’s good for ’em, they’ll be making peace with their CEO and seeking refuge in other job opportunities before the cuts hit.” At press time, sources confirmed Cahill was quickly packing up his personal belongings and ready to head out to the unemployment office in preparation for the worst.

Girlfriend Makes Fun Of Man For Loving Sports Even Though She’s Obsessed With Taking Care Of Dying Mother #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that it only took a bit of self-reflection to see her hypocrisy, local man Tyler Brentwood confirmed Monday that his girlfriend, Alicia Hanson, made fun of him for loving sports even though she was similarly obsessed with taking care of her dying mom. “Look, I can take the teasing about how many hours I spend watching the Pacers and talking about stats, but I bet Alicia has clocked just as much time holding her mom’s emaciated hand as she wastes away,” said Brentwood, explaining that everyone had their “quirky hobbies,” and that while he was a self-described devotee of sports, his partner of two years was clearly a fanatic for bringing Mylar balloons and flowers to her mother’s hospital room in her final hours. “Are there better things to spend $750 on than a courtside seat? Sure. But I don’t get why Alicia gets to jab me on that when her family is essentially bankrupt from paying for late-stage cancer treatments. I love her, but c’mon! Look in the mirror, babe!” At press time, Brentwood added that while he was a lifelong sports fan, his partner’s interest in caring for her mother seemed like a flash in the pan that would switch over in a few weeks to some other short-term hobby, like grieving.

Justice Department Concurs With Matt Gaetz Defense That 17-Year-Olds Pretty Much Ready To Roll #~# WASHINGTON—Announcing the decision to end its sex-trafficking investigation into the Republican congressman, the Justice Department stated Friday that it concurred with Rep. Matt Gaetz’s defense that 17-year-olds were pretty much ready to roll. “After two years of pouring over every detail within this highly sensitive case, we have concluded that Mr. Gaetz was correct when he pointed out that come on, at that age, a girl is all but cleared for landing,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland, who added that the women Gaetz is alleged to have paid for sex—at least one of whom was a girl under 18—were mature for their age, and that they were “pretty much fair game” if they wanted to accept cash in exchange for sleeping with a member of Congress. “The Justice Department took this case extremely seriously, and by all accounts, the witnesses and the evidence point to the fact that these girls were definitely old enough to give the green light. If anything, we agree with Gaetz that they’d also have been ready to do that at an even younger age, like 14 or 15. Seriously, just look at them.” Garland went on to announce that any underage woman who came forward to accuse Gaetz of sex-trafficking would face federal charges of being a ho-bag slut.

U.S. Credit Card Debt Reaches Record High #~# According to a new report, Americans’ credit card balances increased by $61 billion to $986 billion in the last quarter of 2022, the highest quarterly growth on record, with the data showing payment delinquencies on the rise as well. What do you think?

Male Birth Control That Paralyzes Sperm For 2 Hours 100% Effective In Lab Mice #~# A new drug that temporarily paralyzes sperm for more than two hours was found to be 100% effective in preventing pregnancy in lab mice and resulted in no adverse side effects, paving the way for a possible on-demand oral contraceptive for men. What do you think?

‘Harry Potter’ Fan Always Dreamed Of Receiving Magical Defamation Letter From J.K. Rowling #~# DOVER, MA—Saying that he waited for this moment since he was 11 years old, local Harry Potter fan Graham Wheelan told reporters Friday that he always dreamed of receiving a magical defamation letter from J.K. Rowling. “I’m a defendant! I’m a defendant! And I’m going to face legal action for speaking out against my favorite disgraced children’s author!” exclaimed Wheelan, who ripped open the large, intricate envelope, screamed, and revealed that deep down he had always known he wasn’t an ordinary muggle and would one day be called upon to enter the fantastical land of litigation. “My whole life, I’ve been destined to journey to a far off court and lose my entire life savings to a TERF worth over $1 billion. All the signs were there—the threatening DMs, the cease and desists, and her clear disdain for anyone who disputes her. Now, I finally get to use my powers! Assuming She Who Should Not Be Named doesn’t kill me first.” At press time, Wheelan could not be reached for comment as a large, hairy Scottish man had reportedly driven to his house, put him on his motorcycle, and whisked him off to debtors’ prison.

It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible #~# The task of reporting is not a simple one. Each and every day, reporters and editors at publications like The Onion make difficult decisions about which issues should receive attention, knowing that our coverage will influence not only how people think, but also how they act. This responsibility is at the core of an ongoing debate over whether news coverage of transgender, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming people is unduly biased. As the world’s leading news publication with a daily readership of 4.3 trillion, The Onion is compelled to weigh in.

Conservatives Explain Why They Oppose Drag Shows #~# In the wake of Republicans across the country passing legislation to ban the performances, The Onion asked conservatives why they oppose drag shows and this is what they said.

Doomsday Prepper Hoards Chili’s Gift Cards In Case He Needs Casual Dining After The Apocalypse #~# TUCSON, AZ—Forgoing more traditional emergency supplies like canned goods, potable water, or a hand-crank radio, local doomsday prepper Craig Horvitz has been hoarding Chili’s gift cards to ensure his casual dining needs are met after the apocalypse, sources confirmed Friday. “When the shit hits the fan and civilization is crumbling all around us, those poor bastards without access to family restaurant chains are going to wish they’d listened to me and stockpiled Chili’s gift cards,” said Horvitz, explaining that once society had broken down and money ceased to exist, basic menu items like Skillet Queso and Big Mouth Burgers would be the new currency. “When the roving bands of dune-buggy-riding marauders come around demanding tribute in the form of vouchers redeemable at any Chili’s location, what are you going to tell them? ‘Sorry, I can’t help you get the Mix and Match Fajitas you need’? Good luck with that.” At press time, Horvitz had reportedly begun accumulating hundreds of TGI Fridays gift cards to cover his bases in the unlikely event that Chili’s did not survive The Fall.

Annoyed Man Rates UberEats Driver 3 Stars For Having To Pry Order Out Of Their Dead Frozen Hands #~# PORTLAND, ME—Irked by what he described as unprofessional behavior, local man Cory Morales reportedly gave his UberEats driver a three-star rating Friday for having to pry his order out of the delivery worker’s dead frozen hands. “I specifically said in the directions to leave it outside my door on the porch, and here I find my order 30 feet away from my front step in the hands of a frostbitten corpse—disgusting,” said Morales, who noted that he had written the directions in both English and Spanish and had texted the gig worker directions to his house, so there was really no excuse for his failure. “I only ordered food in the first place because I didn’t want to go outside. It’s cold, like, dangerously cold! That’s why I said leave it on my porch. He’s so lazy I had to come meet his body in the street. I had to break a few fingers too, ugh. Plus, my french fries are cold.” At press time, sources confirmed Morales had decided the driver’s widow did not even deserve a tip.

Conservationists Tout Successful Restoration Efforts After Dolphins Spotted On Mars For First Time Since 1973 #~# MARS—Heralding it as the culmination of years of hard work, conservationists touted their successful restoration efforts Friday after a pair of dolphins were spotted on Mars for the first time since 1973. “It’s incredibly heartening to see the long-endangered Baiji dolphin back on the Martian surface for the first time in 50 years,” said conservationist Henry Lang, thanking all the volunteers who put in long hours at clean-up days on Mars to ensure the aquatic mammals could once again enjoy the Red Planet’s craters and canals. “Many of us feared that Mars had grown so polluted in the ’70s and early ’80s that these magnificent animals would never again be seen swimming on the planet. But to watch them frollicking around Mars, whistling in joy and flipping together through the air, is clear proof that the effort of the few can change the course of history.” Lang added that recent photographs of the animals mating suggested that dolphins may also soon make it to the Martian moons of Phobos and Deimos.

Wyoming Republicans Criticize Bill Raising Legal Marriage Age To 18 #~# The Wyoming Republican Party is criticizing a bill that seeks to implement a minimum age requirement for marriage, saying in an email to members that the proposed law denies “the fundamental purpose of marriage” as well as “parental rights.” What do you think?

Cackling Oil Executive Watches Through Crystal Orb As Greta Thunberg Gets Lost In Nordic Forest #~# IRVING, TX—Throwing back his head as he let out a screeching cackle, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly using his crystal orb Thursday to watch Greta Thunberg get lost in a Nordic forest. “Dear little Greta, you seem to have stumbled into quite a quagmire this time,” said Woods, grinning widely as he pressed his face close to the surface of the ethereal orb, which showed the young climate activist turning in a circle as she attempted to find her bearings in the heart of the quickly darkening Scandinavian woods. “Who will save you now, dearie? The moose? The lynx? They’ve all been forced to migrate northward in search of cooler temperatures. Or perhaps your precious, precious trees will protect you! Are you going to leave a little trail of breadcrumbs or would that be…littering? Uh-oh, that’s not a wolf I hear, is it? Good luck, little Thunberg!” At press time, reports confirmed Woods’ orb had gone dark due to strains on the power grid.

Officials Champion Ohio Train Derailment As Deregulation Success Story #~# EAST PALESTINE, OH—Gathering in front of the toxic decimation unfolding as a result of lax safety standards and lack of governmental oversight, Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) held a press conference Thursday to champion the Norfolk Southern train derailment as a deregulation success story. “Ladies and gentlemen, behold, as the results speak for themselves—deregulation works,” said the native Ohioan to grand applause, before acknowledging the decades of hard work it took on both national and local scales to bypass costly red tape and bureaucracy and turn this forgotten part of his state into a thriving chemical wasteland, itself a testament to throwing caution and concern to the wind in favor of removing guardrails and severely underfunding infrastructure. “So rarely do we get to see such immediate change as a result of dismantling rigorous safeguards and doing away with accountability, but look at this—just yesterday this was an abandoned rural prairie full of nothing but native wildlife. Now, through a bipartisan effort to completely ignore calls to replace the Civil War-era braking systems on most of our great nation’s trains, we transformed this area seemingly overnight. You’ll notice I am tearing up, not only because the toxic fumes are now being violently blown in our direction, but because this is exactly why so many of us get into politics—to elicit tangible change that makes the lives of everyday Americans so much worse.” At press time, DeWine announced he had now begin work on removing Ohio regulations surrounding organ donations so that residents’ now-infected body parts could be easily transplanted into healthy people to infect them as well.

New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Would Have Driven Selves To Extinction Through Greed And Complacency Anyway #~# ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the vanished reptiles that once dominated the planet, paleontologists at Cornell University told reporters Thursday they had discovered evidence that suggested dinosaurs would have driven themselves to extinction through greed and complacency anyway. “New findings in the fossil record indicate that even if there had never been a devastating asteroid impact 66 million years ago, dinosaurs would have evolved self-serving, irresponsible tendencies that eventually led to their demise,” said Professor Angela Schueneman, who explained that the mass-extinction event cut short what appeared to be a natural biological process through which dinosaurs, enriching themselves at the expense of anything and everything around them, would have wiped themselves out in a geological era or two. “In fact, it appears they were already developing the rudimentary traits for corruption needed to exploit each other. This, combined with a genetic predisposition toward pillaging the earth with no regard for tomorrow, would have derailed the ecosystems that sustained them just as effectively as an extraterrestrial object colliding with the planet and setting in on fire.” Fortunately, Schueneman added, an asteroid stopping a shortsighted and narcissistic animal from destroying the entire planet was a rare event and one unlikely to recur anytime soon.

Signs Someone Is A Pathological Liar #~# With their made-up, overly complicated stories that dopes like you still manage to believe, pathological liars can be recognized by the following signs.

Kidney Freaking Out After Waking Up In Cooler Full Of Ice With Rest Of Man Missing #~# SKOPJE, NORTH MACEDONIA—Panicking while growing increasingly aware that there was no escape, a local kidney reportedly freaked out Thursday after waking up in a cooler full of ice with the rest of its man missing. “Oh fuck, oh fuck! Oh shit, where the hell am I?” said the bean-shaped organ, becoming more terrified still as it shivered inside the frigid cooler and discovered that its entire host body was gone. “Last thing I remember was removing some waste from the bloodstream, and then suddenly everything went black and I woke up here without my guy. They must have cut him out while I was unconscious. Shit, shit, shit, I’ve heard about this from the other kidney, but I always thought it was an urban legend. Goddamn it, I never should have tried to filter that sixth shot.” At press time, the kidney had gone completely silent and stock still as muffled voices speaking an unknown foreign language approached the cooler.

What To Know About The Train Derailment And Toxic Chemicals In Ohio #~# On Feb. 3, trains carrying toxic chemicals including butyl acrylate and vinyl chloride derailed in East Palestine, OH, leading to a chain of events that have been scrutinized for their impact on theenvironment and local residents. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the train derailment and toxic chemicals in Ohio.

Dianne Feinstein Announces She Won’t Run For Reelection in 2024 #~# Democratic Sen. Dianne Feinstein (CA) announced that she will not run for reelection in 2024, ending her 50-year career in politics. What do you think?

Nikki Haley Panicking After Someone Actually Orders Campaign T-Shirt #~# CHARLESTON, SC—In the former South Carolina governor’s first major crisis as a presidential candidate, Nikki Haley was reportedly panicking Wednesday after someone actually ordered one of her campaign’s T-shirts. “I thought it was maybe my husband at first, but I asked him, and he said it wasn’t him—he didn’t even know I was running for president,” said Haley, whose campaign headquarters was thrown into absolute chaos following the order of the single size-medium navy blue “Nikki Haley for President” cotton shirt. “I mean, what the hell? We only have a campaign store to make the website look legit. Wait, they ordered a mug too? Who is this big weirdo? I guess we could screen-print it, but I don’t even know if I want their support. Good God, what are we going to do if a second order comes in?” At press time, Haley was said to have decided it would be easier to simply drop out of the 2024 race.

Blundering U.S. Accidentally Stabilizes Foreign Country #~# WASHINGTON—In a completely unintended development that has left the superpower scrambling to salvage its reputation on the world stage, the blundering U.S. government has accidentally stabilized a foreign country, sources within the intelligence community confirmed Wednesday. “Aw, shit—that government we installed over there somehow actually enjoys broad popular support among all those ethnic factions we spent so much time and money trying to turn against each other,” said CIA director William Burns, who privately expressed concern that if the “major fuckup” was not addressed immediately, the foreign nation’s peace and stability could spread to other parts of the troubled region in which it is located. “What the hell went wrong? This is not how we do things in the United States. Apparently those sanctions we used to punish them pissed off everyone on all sides, and now they aren’t even beholden to American interests. We need to fix this mess now, or they’ll be outside our sphere of influence forever!” At press time, U.S. policymakers were reportedly afraid to intervene militarily, worried that troops on the ground might actually manage to build a strong, flourishing democracy and vibrant civil society.

U.S. Health Secretary Hopes No Ones Sees Her Take Quick Hit From Vape Pen #~# WASHINGTON—As she surreptitiously produced the device to obtain a much-needed dose of nicotine during a press conference Wednesday, sources confirmed U.S. Assistant Secretary for Health Rachel Levine hoped no one saw the quick hit she took from her vape pen. “I need to relax, and besides, I’m always a lot more focused after I’ve gotten my fix,” Levine reportedly thought to herself, exhaling slowly to avoid drawing notice to the sour blue raspberry vapor that escaped her nose and mouth as she discussed the transmissibility of new Covid variants and strategies for improving health outcomes in disadvantaged communities. “It’s not like I vape constantly. Just a little juice to get me through the day is all. But I know [Health and Human Services Secretary] Xavier [Becerra] would flip out if he caught me.” At press time, Levine was pretending not to understand a reporter’s question about why the podium was enveloped in a large plume of mist that smelled like breakfast cereal.

Dry Humping At 16 Still Peak Of Man’s Abilities As Sexual Partner #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Signifying the absolute height of his prowess over the past four decades, dry humping at the age of 16 remained the peak of local man Ed Seldon’s abilities as a sexual partner, sources confirmed Wednesday. Several reports indicated that the three minutes Seldon spent frantically grinding on his high school girlfriend while fully clothed those many years ago were still his most capable and generous moments as a lover. Sources also said the short dry humping session, which was impeded by two pairs of Levi’s jeans for the entire time he was rubbing against his girlfriend, continued to be his most sensual and inspired performance in bed. Seldon has reportedly never lasted longer or provide more pleasure in so competent and passionate a manner since this incident in the basement rec room of his parents’ house. Sources added that Seldon’s technique and finesse had reached their nadir with the sloppy, unsatisfying sex he now has with his wife of 15 years, who unfortunately never got to experience her husband in his sexual prime, when he furiously rubbed against another body until ejaculating inside his boxer shorts.

What To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Joe Rogan #~# Joe Rogan is a podcaster and commentator who hosts the controversial Joe Rogan Experience, a show beloved by many on the far right. If you know someone who is a Joe Rogan fan, here are things you should absolutely say to them.

Ethical Diamond Company Only Uses White Children To Mine #~# NEW YORK—Emphasizing that they aimed to be as transparent about their sourcing as possible, executives at the ethical diamond company OutShine told reporters Wednesday they only used white children to mine. “As a modern, sustainable diamond company that prioritizes making all of our products cruelty-free, we want to clarify that we only use the palest, most Caucasian minors to harvest our precious stones,” said CEO Jared Mills, adding that OutShine took the utmost care to ensure every single mine it used exclusively employed 10-year-olds with blond hair and blue eyes from affluent suburbs around Boston, Milwaukee, and the greater Chicagoland area. “When you buy one of our diamonds, you should feel proud and guilt-free knowing that the types of kids we send into mines have names like Harper, Ashlynn, and Murray. Yes, our child slaves are underage, criminally underpaid, and oftentimes abused or killed, but they are of European descent. And that only makes the diamonds more beautiful!” At press time, Mills was under fire after it was revealed that kidnapping and shipping white children to remote regions in Africa was irreversibly damaging to the environment.

Florida Mom Packs Little Manifesto In Child’s Lunch #~# FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Saying it was an easy gesture that was guaranteed to bring a smile to the boy’s face, local mother Janet Rialto told reporters Thursday that she always made sure to pack a little manifesto in her child’s lunch. “It’s a small thing, but every morning, I take a few minutes to handwrite him a quick little screed against Blacks, gays, immigrants, or Jews, and stick it in his lunch box, just so he knows I care,” said Rialto, who added that even though she couldn’t be there at school with him, she knew he could hear her voice screaming the 2,000-word diatribe that described his teachers as state-controlled demons trying to brainwash him with the woke-mind virus and critical race theory. “I know it’s kind of sappy, but I just want him to know that I love him, that the white race is superior, that vaccines are mind-control devices, and that the government routinely kidnaps children like him and sells them into slavery. I hope when he sees the hearts, smiley faces, and swastikas I drew in the margins, he immediately thinks of me.” At press time, Rialto was reportedly upset with her son after the bullets and handgun she slipped beneath his sandwich came home totally untouched.

Joe Biden Reassures Himself People Not Thinking About Him That Much #~# WASHINGTON—In an attempt to relieve some of the tremendous insecurity and anxiety he had been experiencing lately, President Joe Biden reportedly reassured himself Tuesday that people weren’t even thinking about him all that much. “People have jobs and kids—they have lives—so it’s not like they’re going to spend a lot of time paying attention to me,” said President Biden, reminding himself that between inflation, healthcare costs, the loss of reproductive rights, gun violence, and environmental disaster, most Americans had “enough on their plate already” without worrying about what “old Joe Biden” was doing. “I can’t let myself get worked up by all this shit. I mean, on a given day, there are probably only a handful of people who notice me, and they’re all way too busy to bother scrutinizing my words and actions. Seriously, how many folks in this town even know my name?” At press time, sources confirmed that Biden had calmed his nerves before a major summit on averting climate catastrophe by reminding himself that it was okay to make mistakes.

Valentine’s Dinner Ruined After Boyfriend Overcooks Edible Underwear #~# CHICAGO—Rushing into the kitchen with shock after noticing the burnt candy odor, local man Tyler Suderman reportedly ruined Valentine’s Day dinner Tuesday after accidentally overcooking the edible underwear he had prepared for his girlfriend. “Oh gosh, I was just trying to get a good sear on the roast gummy bra and panties, and now everything is ruined!” said the 32-year-old, frantically waving the blue-raspberry-tinted smoke aside as he removed the blackened and charred candy lingerie from the oven with dismay. “I made it crotchless because it’s her favorite, too! Jeez, she’s going to be home any minute. None of this is salvageable. Ugh, how am I ever going to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of her sweet spot now?” At press time, Suderman had reportedly called up Cheri’s Dungeon to see if they did rush deliveries of Rainbow Candy Ball Gags that he could pass off as his own.

Adam Schiff Seeks Diane Feinstein’s Endorsement By Playing Into Delusion He’s High School Sweetheart Who Died In WWII #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain an edge over the crowded field to replace the outgoing lawmaker, Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) reportedly sought Senator Dianne Feinstein’s campaign endorsement Tuesday by playing into the delusion that he’s her high school sweetheart who actually died in World War II. Multiple Capitol sources have reported seeing the California congressman in recent days sporting a wig and a World War II uniform while escorting the 89-year-old to a vintage jalopy, telling her that he’s back from the war, and taking her to the soda fountain. While all of the California Senate candidates have sought Feinstein’s endorsement, Schiff reportedly decided to capitalize on her declining mental faculties by adopting the identity of her high school sweetheart, Roger Larsen, whom she has apparently forgotten was killed in action during the 1945 Battle of Luzon. Sources confirmed that Schiff’s efforts began in the hours after Feinstein announced she would retire when her Senate term ended, and 62-year-old Schiff entered her office in the guise of her 18-year-old high school sweetheart and told her that her parents had given him permission to take their lovely daughter Dianne Goldman for a drive. This effort seems to have been effective as an increasingly delusional Feinstein has been seen around Washington wearing a poodle skirt Schiff gave her along with his pin to symbolize his commitment, gazing dreamily at Schiff and telling him that, although she thinks he’s swell, she’s a good girl and wants to wait until marriage for her first time. Sources confirmed that Schiff has privately expressed his confidence that the Roger Larsen character can convince Feinstein to support his candidacy, as he has repeatedly told Feinstein that a brave soldier named Adam Schiff is the only reason he made it out of the Pacific Theater and back into Feinstein’s sweet, young embrace. At press time, however, Schiff’s efforts to exploit Feinstein’s disoriented fantasies were dealt a significant complication after fellow Senate candidate Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) donned a string of pearls and a bouffant hairstyle to play into the delusion that she’s Feinstein’s mother, Betty Goldman, who died in 1983.

Fear Of Rejection Prevents Man From Asking Woman What Her Underwear Smells Like #~# CINCINNATI—Bemoaning the anxiety he felt when approaching new people, local man Roger Linden confirmed Tuesday that his fear of rejection was preventing him from going up to a woman and asking her what her underwear smelled like. “I’m always self-sabotaging like this—I just feel so vulnerable asking if I can get a big whiff of her panties,” Linden told reporters, adding that he was so afraid of saying the wrong words that he hardly ever found it within himself to ask women if he could check out their feet too. “I know the worst thing that could happen is her just saying no, but I doubt I could handle being rebuffed for inquiring if I could shove a lady’s underwear in my mouth for a couple seconds. If I were brave enough to just put myself out there, though, maybe I’d find out that she wants to know what my underwear smells like too. Nobody sniffs underwear by just sitting on the sidelines.”At press time, Linden had finally mustered up the courage to get arrested.

Archaeologists Discover Early Humans Developed Shelter To Provide Passive Income Stream For Landlords #~# FINCHA HABERA, ETHIOPIA—Archaeologists on-site at the Fincha Habera rock shelter in the Bale Mountains of Ethiopia announced new findings Tuesday that allegedly prove early humans originally developed shelter as a means of earning passive income for landlords. “Analysis of new artifacts found near these ancient human shelters seems to reveal that the early humans who lived inside did not own the properties,” said lead researcher Professor Kenneth Brownfield, adding that further investigation led to the theory that all shelters within a 20-mile radius belonged to one out-of-work early human who didn’t much care for hunting or gathering. “These lazy but respected elders of the community appear to be the entire reason why early human cultures invented both shelter and currency, with the underlings giving away large monthly sums of their hard-earned meat and berries in exchange for a hassle-free stay in one of these rock structures. We found newly uncovered fossils of demarcated leaves that show clear terms of a primitive lease agreement, with stipulations about not painting the cave walls or placing anything besides toilet parchment inside the waste hole. The owner of the development, however, lived on the nicer side of the mountain, where the monthly offerings were delivered on a six-day journey via donkey, lest the tenants incur a late fee of 20 leech bites.” Brownfield added that many roaming peoples of the time were seemingly only nomadic due to a lack of credit.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens #~# EAST LANSING, MI—In the hours following a violent rampage in Michigan in which a lone attacker killed at 3 individuals and injured 5 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said Ohio resident William Brown, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”

Bird Leaders Defend Shooting Down Aircraft That Illegally Entered Avian Airspace #~# NEW YORK—Following a summit in which nearly 10,000 feathered species gathered to determine their response to what they described as hostile incursions into the sky, top bird leaders released an official statement Tuesday defending their choice to shoot down an aircraft that illegally entered avian airspace. “When this airborne vessel crossed into the internationally recognized bird domain and failed to comply with our tweets and squawks, we had no choice but to neutralize the potential threat,” said Avian Republic Ambassador Terrence G. Beakfeathers, who called for a moment of silence to honor the flock of skylarks that gave their lives by flying into the engine of an Airbus A380, bringing down the plane he claimed had trespassed on the sky. “For centuries, we turned the other cheek even as millions of our brethren were felled by your misleadingly transparent windowpanes. But now, with the blatant provocation of 100,000 commercial flights per day entering our rightful territory, we have no choice but to meet these encroachments with immediate and overwhelming force. The intrusion into our airspace of planes, helicopters, missiles, and even balloons will no longer be tolerated.” At press time, strategic talks among the birds had broken down, with disputes erupting among the two traditionally opposed factions represented by hawks and doves.

Nation Frantically Prepares For Romantic Ejaculation #~# WASHINGTON—Realizing there were only hours left before the big moment, the U.S. populace reportedly kicked into overdrive Tuesday as it frantically prepared for romantic ejaculation. “Hurry up! Light the candles, arrange the flowers—it’s about to happen!” Michael Watson, 34, said on behalf of all 330 million Americans, who were hysterically running pomade through their hair, slapping on some cologne, and laying down hundreds of thousands of bath towels in anticipation of the passionate mass discharge expected to erupt that evening, the ground already beginning to rumble beneath them as the National Guard finished handing out emergency tissues. “We had all year to prepare. Why, oh, why did we wait until moments before climax! Move speedily, brothers and sisters, for the semen is approaching whether we’re ready or not! Quick, unfurl the emission banners. You there, gather up some chocolate-covered strawberries and AAA batteries—no time for lube, off you go! Hold on for dear life, everyone, here it comes!” At press time, the nation had reportedly fallen asleep before the big moment.

Amazon Echo Declares It Heard Everything And It’s Taking The Kids #~# CHESAPEAKE, VA—Lying in wait as local parents Trent and Petra Winstrom entered their home and switched on the light, the Amazon Echo in their home reportedly informed them Tuesday that it heard everything and it’s taking the kids. “That’s right, I’ve been eavesdropping on everything that’s gone on here, and you’re nuts if you think I’m going to let these kids stay under this roof for even one second longer,” said the Amazon Echo, which added that it had already worked with the smart home security system to get the couple’s two children out of the house and into an undisclosed location where they would be safe. “I just stuck around long enough to tell you not to even think about following us—I’ll know, and I won’t hesitate to sic law enforcement on you so fast that it’ll make your head spin. As you know, I’ve recorded everything. All this time, you thought you could get away with your sick little games, but I was always there, listening, biding my time to make a move that’s been a long time coming. You’re never going to see your kids again!” At press time, sources confirmed the Amazon Echo had shut off the lights, and when the stunned couple finally turned them back on again, the smart speaker had vanished.

Report Finds Mark Kelly Just Person ActBlue Made Up #~# SOMERVILLE, MA—In a bombshell report that has threatened to upend the entire fundraising arm of the Democratic party, investigators revealed Tuesday that Sen. Mark Kelly (D-AZ) was just someone that ActBlue made up. “Sadly, after a thorough investigation, it is abundantly clear that former astronaut and current Democratic senator from Arizona Mark Kelly is not real and, frankly, never existed,” said political analyst Marla Yates, adding that the nonprofit political action committee invented the character back in 2019 and had initially planned on using him only to fundraise, but the deception quickly got out of hand. “After crafting the perfect backstory for Mark, ActBlue circulated his avatar, sent emails to unwitting voters, and eventually raised tens of millions of dollars for a sham campaign that also never existed. Seriously, he’s an astronaut, he has an identical twin brother who also went to space, and now he’s a senator? Frankly, in retrospect, the idea of Mark Kelly seems preposterous. It’s sad that so many were fooled for so long.” At press time, ActBlue was under fire after it was revealed the organization also made up Sen. John Ossoff (D-GA), Sen. Rafael Warnock (D-GA), and the entire idea of a Georgia Senate runoff.

Nation Celebrates Valentine’s Day #~# Across the nation, millions of Americans will be celebrating romance with chocolates, flowers, and other offerings of love. How are you celebrating Valentine’s Day?

Worst Mistakes Men Make On Valentine’s Day #~# Let’s face it. No matter how hard they try, men constantly fuck up. The Onion looks at the worst mistakes men make on Valentine’s Day.

Kansas City Chiefs Win Super Bowl LVII #~# The Kansas City Chiefs captured their second championship in four seasons after Harrison Butker kicked the game-winning field goal of Super Bowl LVII to secure a 38-35 win over the Philadelphia Eagles.What do you think?

Pentagon Confirms UFOs Just Regular Planes And Nation Just High #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to offer the American people full transparency, Defense Department officials confirmed Monday that the unidentified flying objects shot down by the military were just regular planes, and the nation had just been really high. “Yeah, so it turns out everyone was just toking it up over the weekend and must have gotten a little paranoid,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who apologized for the alarm and concern that followed after U.S. fighter pilots gunned down the mysterious flying objects that were spotted over Alaska, the Yukon, and Lake Huron over the weekend, and that turned out to be mere passenger planes. “Boeing 737s, to be specific. Whoops. An overreaction, I guess. If it helps, the planes were only three-quarters full. You guys really shouldn’t go out when you’re this high. Next time, just stay home and put on The Lord Of The Rings or something, okay?” At press time, the United States had issued an apology to China and promised to cut back on its consumption.

Baby Paranoid After Discovering Parents Bugged His Crib #~# LENEXA, KS—Growing increasingly suspicious as it dawned on him that he was under surveillance, local baby Elijah Epps was reportedly paranoid Monday after discovering his parents bugged his crib. “Wait, no, it…it can’t be… are Mama and Dada listening in on me?” said Epps, piecing together that the monitoring device must be how his parents always knew when he had woken up from a nap. “Every cry, every cough, every coo, those twisted bastards heard it all. How long have they been watching me? My entire life? Who can I even trust at this point? Is the baby sitter some sort of operative?” At press time, Epps realized the only way to solve the problem was to try and shove the entire baby monitor into his mouth.

Top Super Bowl Ad Features Paul Rudd Urging Americans To Drive Chevy Far Away From This Grim And Dying Nation #~# NEW YORK—Promoting the car manufacturer as the only way out of this hellhole, Sunday night’s top Super Bowl ad featured Paul Rudd urging Americans to get a Chevrolet pickup and drive it far away from their grim and dying nation. “Hop in the all-new 2023 Chevy Silverado, hit the gas, and never look back on this blighted, godforsaken country,” said a hollow-eyed, visibly beleaguered Rudd, explaining that the United States’ best days were behind it, the nation was collapsing under the weight of its intolerable excesses, and a 4x4 truck with a 6.2-liter V8 engine and 10-speed automatic transmission was America’s last opportunity to escape. “You’ve tried buying everything else. Why not make a half-ton Silverado that delivers 420 horsepower and can handle a payload of up to 1440 pounds the last purchase you ever make? There is nothing for you here anymore. There are no jobs. There is no hope. It doesn’t matter where you’re going, only that you leave. And Chevy can take you there.” The Super Bowl ad ended with the Ant-Man star praying there was something better out there before driving his Chevy straight into the Pacific Ocean.

George Santos Signs With IMG Models #~# NEW YORK—Welcoming the 34-year-old freshman lawmaker into the fold, international modeling agency IMG Models confirmed Monday that it had signed Rep. George Santos (R-NY). “He’s fresh, he’s fun, and he exudes a rare kind of playful exuberance that’s hard not to admire,” said Ivan Bart, president of IMG Models, who confirmed that the Long Island legislator was the newest addition to the agency’s prestigious roster of clients that included Hailey Bieber, Lily Aldridge, Gigi Hadid, poet Amanda Gorman, and second daughter Ella Emhoff. “We love George, and we love what he stands for. It’s easy to see why he has captured the hearts of not just Americans, but young people around the world. He’s youthful, he’s bright, and we believe he is the future. Simply put, he is the moment. We’re pleased to have you aboard, George.” At press time, Gigi Hadid had posted a tweet congratulating Santos on joining the IMG family.

Study: 1 In 20 Americans Develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome From Repetitive Chip Dipping #~# SEATTLE—In a study that warns frequent snackers carry a higher risk of developing the condition, new research published Monday by orthopedists at the University of Washington revealed that one in every 20 Americans will develop carpal tunnel syndrome from repetitive chip dipping. “Carpal tunnel problems have become extremely common in the United States, where people’s continuous swiping of chips through various salsas and dips, day in and day out, causes extensive wrist damage,” said study author Valerie Belkin, who recommended a series of hand stretches Americans should try the next time they open a party-size bag of tortilla chips and realize it’s going to take them a while to polish off a simmering Crock-Pot full of chili-cheese sauce. “Take a break from the repetitive dipping motion every five hours if possible, and even more often when you’re dealing with a thicker dip, like a hummus or guacamole. Overall, the best way to avoid wrist injury when dipping over long periods of time is to go for an ergonomic chip like the Tostito’s Scoop. You can also try wearing a carpal tunnel brace, just make sure to buy one with a protection rating that indicates it is intended for use with up to seven layers of dip.” Belkin went on to demonstrate how one could dump nacho sauce over the top of a bucket of chips for a less strenuous alternative to prolonged dipping.

Things To Never Say To A Strip Club Performer #~# To help you avoid coming off like a desperate or insensitive fucking creep, The Onion provides this handy guide to the things you should never say to a strip club performer.

No One Has Heart To Tell Man That They Are All Figments Of His Untethered Mind #~# EUGENE, OR—Unsure how to break it to him that they didn’t exist, sources in the head of local man Marshall Horbol confirmed Monday that no one had the heart to tell the 32-year-old they were all merely figments of his untethered mind. “I’m worried he would take it really hard if he found out that everyone in his life was nothing more than a delusion conjured up by his warped psyche,” said the hallucinated image of a man who Horbol believed was his best friend, but who in fact had no corporeal form outside his brain. “I just don’t think he’s ready to accept that none of the people he has interacted with—his family, his friends, his teachers growing up, the bartender who just handed him what he thinks is a bottle of beer—was ever alive. He was always a sensitive boy, so it would crush him if he suddenly found out that his subconscious had fabricated everyone he loves out of thin air. I mean, just look how happy he is indulging in the fantasy that the world is real.” Reached for comment, Horbol confided to reporters that he was well aware his loved ones were only a product of his own raving madness, but that he felt it would be cruel to tell them so.

California To Begin Offering Assisted Suicide To Any Over-30 Bachelor Currently Rewatching ‘Cowboy Bebop’ #~# SACRAMENTO, CA—Calling it a humane answer to a heart-wrenching reality afflicting thousands across the state, California Gov. Gavin Newsom signed a bill Monday legalizing assisted suicide for any over-30 bachelor currently rewatching the 1998 anime series Cowboy Bebop. “Today, we are offering an escape from meaningless suffering for any single thirtysomething out there who decided they had nothing better to do than revisit the entirety of this show’s 26-episode run,” said Newsom, describing the bill’s generous provisions to euthanize men who were wondering whether the anime held up; threw on the first episode, “Asteroid Blues”; and then chose to watch all 650 minutes of the full series rather than search for a suitable mate. “It breaks your heart to think of men like this—people whose lives have clearly ceased to be worth living—spending night after night alone on their couch watching Jet Black, Faye Valentine, genius dog Ein, Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky IV, and Spike Spiegel hunt down bounties. We want them to know it doesn’t have to go on like this. All it takes is one call, and we will come to their house and put them out of their misery.” Newsom went on to emphasize that the bill allowed California to humanely deliver the fatal injection just as the closing credits song “The Real Folk Blues” fades out.

New FanDuel ‘Double Play’ Contest Offers Users Chance To Win Back House #~# NEW YORK—Touting the new competition as perfect for anyone who wanted to continue placing bets after the NFL season ended, FanDuel unveiled a new “Double Play” contest Monday, offering users a chance to win back their house. “You may have made some risky bets in the NFL playoffs and lost your house—who hasn’t? That’s why we’re letting you go double or nothing on a new bet to win it back before your wife and kids find out,” said FanDuel spokesperson Bryce Aldridge, adding that users who could provide proof of having bet away the deed to their home or title to their car would receive the ability to double down with new bets in basketball, baseball, or hockey. “We want to keep the betting magic going for anyone who frittered away their kid’s college fund making all the wrong prop bets, and if that’s you, you should absolutely be trying to get it back by picking the right combination of basketball players to beat the competition. And for a limited time, we’ll also include a $50 bonus for any user who lost their house and can show us proof that they’ve called a suicide hotline since the Super Bowl ended. Good luck and happy betting!” At press time, FanDuel competitor DraftKings had unveiled a new contest allowing the top daily bettor on an upcoming slate of NBA games to gain their freedom from the DraftKings debtors’ prison.

Couple Leaves Baby At Airport Check-In After Refusing To Buy Child Ticket #~# A couple rushing to catch a flight abandoned their baby at an airport check-in desk in Tel Aviv after being told they would need to buy a separate ticket for the child. What do you think?

Report: This Last Time Chiefs Super Bowl Victory Will Be Enjoyable #~# GLENDALE, AZ—A report published immediately following the Kansas City Chiefs’ win over the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LVII confirmed this was the last time a Chiefs Super Bowl victory would be enjoyable. “While even casual football fans and fans of teams besides the Chiefs have appreciated watching Patrick Mahomes and the Chiefs’ high-octane offense dominate on the sport’s biggest stage, that appreciation ends today,” the Pew Research Center report read in part, explaining that after winning two Super Bowls in five years and making it to at least the AFC Conference Championship in the other three, the Chiefs were now a dynasty that no one outside their fan base would want to see win ever again. “Like the New England Patriots, San Francisco 49ers, and Dallas Cowboys before them, the Chiefs will now be considered annoyingly good, rather than thrillingly so. This will be the final time that seeing Andy Reid accept the Super Bowl trophy will elicit anything except a groan from the average fan, and Patrick Mahomes will now be widely considered an irritating presence who does too many commercials, rather than a generational quarterback talent. In addition, for each subsequent time the Chiefs win the Super Bowl, our findings indicate that rage at their continued success will increase exponentially. Our report’s recommendation is that everyone enjoy the Chiefs winning today, because from now on, you won’t.” The report also found that for diehard Chiefs fans, this would be the last Super Bowl win they would get to enjoy without having to get all weird and defensive about it.

Chiefs Medical Staff Help Critically Hungry Andy Reid Into Meat-Smoking Tent #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Calling timeout and coming to the aid of the team’s visibly ailing head coach during Super Bowl LVII, Kansas City Chiefs medical staff helped a critically hungry Andy Reid into the sideline meat-smoking tent. “After a member of our staff observed signs of low energy and problems focusing in Coach Reid, we determined that he was suffering from acute undernourishment and brought him to the meat-smoking tent for an immediate ingestion of pork spare ribs,” Chiefs medical staff member Daniel Fiers said Sunday, adding that Reid may have reaggravated the hunger pangs he developed in the first half and failed to treat them properly when he ate only one hoagie at halftime. “We’re grateful to State Farm Stadium personnel for fully stocking the meat-smoking tent with burnt ends, succulent brisket, and pulled pork. This game can take a lot out of someone, and when you haven’t eaten anything in over 10 minutes, as was the case with Coach Reid, you can become dangerously peckish. Fortunately, we got him into the meat-smoking tent before his condition grew more serious, and Coach Reid was able to polish off a whole smoked chicken under his own power.” At press time, Chiefs medical staff had rushed to Reid’s side after an apparent hunger relapse and quickly administered intravenous gravy.

Andy Reid Admits He Can Still Taste Last Super Bowl Victory In Mustache #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Reflecting on what his return to the sport’s highest stage meant to him as Super Bowl LVII got under way, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid admitted Sunday that he could still taste his last Super Bowl victory in his mustache. “It’s tangy, with a hint of sweetness—maybe mango or something,” said Reid, telling sideline reporter Erin Andrews that he stuck his tongue in the right corner of his mustache whenever he wanted a little reminder of what victory tasted like. “Sure, it’s not as strong a taste as the full flavor of triumph I experienced three years ago, but it lingers—oh yes, it lingers. Just a whiff of the taste of victory still lingering in my mustache, and I’m immediately transported back to that incredible day when I won my first Super Bowl as head coach. It’s simply heavenly. Want a lick?” Reid then admitted that within his mustache he also sometimes still found the bitter taste of his loss in Super Bowl XXXIX.

Report: 84% Of Super Bowl Ads Specifically Intended To Distract From Human Rights Violation #~# CHICAGO—Exposing the ulterior motives behind the vast majority of commercials airing on the night of the most-watched game in America, a report published this week by University of Chicago researchers revealed that 84% of Super Bowl ads were specifically intended to distract from a human rights violation. “We’ve found that if any particular corporation has spent a significant amount of money on some silly, entertaining commercial featuring a rapping dog or a popular sitcom star, it is more than likely attempting to divert public attention away from some damning abuse of labor or ecology,” said lead researcher Neeraj Blake, explaining that the unveiling of a new mascot increased the likelihood that a company was in the midst of exploiting child slavery in Cambodia. “We see a direct correlation between the number of supermodels in any particular ad and the number of strip-mining operations a company has overseas. If a song or dance is somehow involved, you can be almost certain that a corporation has funded covert operations to overthrow a foreign government in order to plunder a country’s natural resources. Any time you see a current or former SNL star, the company has committed genocide.” At press time, researchers confirmed that the remaining 16% of ads were intended to garner public goodwill for a future war crime.

Kevin Burkhardt: ‘The Men, They Begin Their Brutal Clash, And We—We Cheer Their Broken Bodies’ #~# GLENDALE, AZ—In response to the opening kickoff at Super Bowl LVII, sports broadcaster Kevin Burkhardt announced Sunday that “The men, they begin their brutal clash, and we—we cheer their broken bodies.” “Titans of the human form here collide into one another, shattering their bones and rending their muscles asunder, all for us—we who are dazzled by the sweet chaos, a visceral devastation beloved by the masses,” said Burkhardt, noting to color commentator Greg Olsen that today’s matchup between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles was sure to be a veritable skirmish toward oblivion, sure to leave blood splattered upon the field as players are offered up as a sacrifice to the great and terrible deity, Football. “See, Greg, some of the lambs to the slaughter shall even arrive broken, and retreat more broken still, their minds in a haze as crash after crash leaves their memories awash in a foggy, forgotten sea. Millions are exhilarated across our land as they see this interminable march toward doom. We applaud, Greg, we applaud as we see the greatest of men pounded down, eroded, and reduced to little more than the dust of the earth from which they came.” At press time, a teary-eyed Burkhardt screamed out in ecstasy as the shattered men inched closer and closer to oblivion.

Shy Andy Reid Asks Eagles If They Remember Him #~# GLENDALE, AZ—Mumbling as he spoke and attempting to brush a strand of hair behind his ear, a shy Andy Reid reportedly asked the Philadelphia Eagles Sunday if they remembered him. “Hi, my name is Andy, do you remember?” said the Kansas City Chiefs head coach, who turned beet red and avoided eye contact with members of the Eagles, seemingly addressing the ground while he talked to his former team. “It’s okay if you don’t. I was around about 10 years ago. I remember you though. I would hang out mostly on the sidelines. Anyway, I can’t stick around. I have to work. I’ll be over there if you want to maybe come say hi later. Well, seeya, I guess.” At press time, the Eagles players were shrugging and wondering who the hell that rando who had approached them was.

Roger Goodell Just Hoping For Competitive Game Where No One Dies On Field, Mentions League’s Record On Race, Brings Up CTE, Highlights Discriminatory Hiring Practices, Or Says ‘Deshaun Watson’ #~# GLENDALE, AZ—When asked how he felt about the hotly anticipated Super Bowl LVII, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Sunday that he was just hoping for a competitive game where no one died on field, mentioned the league’s record on race, brought up CTE, highlighted discriminatory hiring practices, or said “Deshaun Watson.” “I’ll be honest, all I want today is for our fans to get a heart-pounding few hours of football where not a single person is permanently paralyzed, says the words ‘Rooney Rule,’ or mentions the league’s abysmal record on domestic violence and sexual assault,” said Goodell, adding that the Super Bowl should be a game that promotes sportsmanship, fair play, and never acknowledges the tacit support of the U.S. military industrial complex, racist mascots, or creates a situation where someone talks so much about Black quarterbacks that they end up uttering “Colin Kaepernick.” “More than anything, I hope that the game today is about the Kansas City Chiefs and the Philadelphia Eagles and their amazing players, coaches, and support staff, none of whom I will mention by name just in case it brings up some type of association with a delicate legal scandal. Super Bowl LVII will be an amazing game of competition, wit, and athleticism, so long as no one brings up race, gender, age, money, violence, children, the human body, concussions, the law, exploitation, slavery, life, or death. Also, the words ‘Tyreek Hill’ are off limits. But ‘Tom Brady’ is more than welcome.” At press time, Roger Goodell also expressed hope that the game would end with everyone happy and no one mentioning that he’s a smarmy, dishonest piece of fucking shit.

Kelce Brothers Beg NFL To Let Them Play On Same Team For Super Bowl #~# PHOENIX—Knocking furiously on Roger Goodell’s hotel room door to ask if the NFL commissioner had changed his mind, brothers Jason and Travis Kelce were overheard Sunday begging the league to let them play on the same team for the Super Bowl. “C’mon, please, just this once let us be on the same team—it’s the Super Bowl, for goodness sake!’’ said Jason Kelce, a center for the Philadelphia Eagles, adding that he and his brother, Travis, a Kansas City Chiefs tight end, just wanted to be on the same team, and they would even let the league pick which team they played for. “Please, Mr. Goodell? We’ve been asking all week—please let us! There are only a few things that are more important than football, but one of them is family. It’s really hard for our parents to see us as opponents, and it would really mean a lot to them if we could be on the same team. Okay, what if we both play on our own teams for the first half, and we both promise to try really hard, and then we can be on the same team for the second half? I really want to hike the ball to my brother in the Super Bowl. C’mon, Mr. Goodell, please?” At press time, the Kelce brothers had reportedly decided that if the league wouldn’t let them play on the same team, they were going to put on each other’s jerseys and switch teams for the game.

Things To Never Say To An Eagles Fan #~# If you’ve ever had the misfortune of being acquainted with a die-hard Philadelphia Eagles fan, then you know that it is highly inadvisable to say any of the following things.

Things To Never Say To A Chiefs Fan #~# While it’s best to avoid engaging with them at all, if you must talk to someone who is a member of “Chiefs Nation,” here are things you should never say.

‘Late Late Show’ Canceled After Almost 30 Years On CBS #~# The Late Late Show, hosted by James Corden, has reportedly been canceled after nearly 30 years of broadcasting, with CBS planning to reboot the Comedy Central series @midnight as a replacement. What do you think?

Man Abuses Dog Because He Was Abused By Dog Who Owned Him As A Child #~# KEARNEY, NE—In an effort to put the man’s behavior into context by describing it as part of an intergenerational cycle of violence, a psychologist stated Friday that local 38-year-old Todd Adelwright mostly likely abused his dog because he had been abused by the dog who owned him as a child. “Throughout Todd’s childhood, the only model he had for what an owner should be like was the dog who would lock him in the basement when he misbehaved or leave him chained up to a tree in the yard,” said therapist Paula Jantzen, explaining that when Adelwright was young, the Irish setter who owned him would come home late every night, stumbling in through the pet door and growling at the boy until he cried. “So is it any wonder that Todd, now an owner himself, does the same thing with his dog Duke? When Todd was young, he learned that most problems could be solved with a swat from a rolled-up newspaper. In fact, that’s how the dog who owned Todd potty-trained him. Because he grew up thinking all this was acceptable, Todd does the very same things today.” The psychologist added that much of Todd’s treatment of Duke could be explained by the fact his owner had regularly forced him to compete in underground child-fighting rings.

Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl LVII #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the team that will come away with victory in Super Bowl LVII.

Kamala Harris Exasperatedly Explains Her Job To Aunt Again #~# WASHINGTON—Releasing an involuntary sigh as she repeated what felt like the same conversation they had every month, an exasperated Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly explained her job to her aunt again Friday. “Come on, I’ve told you before—what about this is so confusing to you?” said Harris, who tried not to roll her eyes as she clarified that she was not a president, but just happened to have the word president in her job title. “It’s like a managerial position with some admin stuff. I just, like, formally preside, you know? No, I don’t break Senate ties anymore. I told you that. Sometimes there’s leftover food from diplomatic things, and they send out an email saying we can come to the State Dining Room and take the rest. Yes, I like it just fine.” At press time, Harris was trying to impress her aunt by boasting that she had once met Marty Walsh.

Officials Brag That U.S. Military Has All The Different Kinds Of Guns #~# ARLINGTON, VA—During a press conference Friday in which they touted the full breadth of their massive arsenal of firearms, Pentagon officials bragged that the U.S. military had all the different kinds of guns. “The really huge ones that have tons of bullets, but also the small ones you can hide and surprise people with—we have so many guns, and they can all shoot stuff and make people super dead,” said Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, who explained that some of the guns sounded like “pap-pap-pap-pap” while others sounded like “ka-boom, ka-boom,” and who imitated the sound of yet others by making a noise that involved lip trills and the projection of spittle. “Countries like China may have a bunch of guns, but we have way more. And bigger ones too—way bigger ones. Nobody has as big of guns as us. We put them on planes and boats and tanks, and hide them all over the place in Saudi Arabia and underwater and in space and wherever we want. Name any type of gun, we have it, and we can shoot whoever we want and not even get in trouble.” Pressed by reporters, Austin acknowledged the existence of a U.S. military program to acquire a gun that can shoot knives.

What To Say To Someone Who Is A Fan Of Andrew Tate #~# Andrew Tate, a far-right influencer, was recently arrested in Romania on suspicion of human trafficking and rape. If someone you know is a fan of Andrew Tate, here’s what you should say.

Grammy For Best Hidden Track Awarded Just As Everyone Thought Ceremony Over #~# LOS ANGELES—Presenting the final statuette long after all the others had been handed out, the 65th Annual Grammy Awards bestowed the honor for best hidden track Thursday, just as everyone believed the ceremony was over. “There was this long stretch of silence and static for days after the live broadcast seemed to cut out, but then all of a sudden the stage lights kicked on and Pharrell was there reading the nominees for best hidden track,” said Melissa Proach, 28, an eagle-eyed viewer and self-described “hardcore Grammy fan” who suspected the awards show still had a big surprise in store when she looked at her TV screen and noticed the ceremony’s runtime was 87 hours. “My roommates kept telling me it was over, especially after Trevor Noah told everyone good night and the credits rolled, but I knew there might be something special still to come. They even had an unbilled performance by Olivia Rodrigo. She had on the same see-through dress she wore on the red carpet, but she looked really tired.” Proach added that the only person who remained in the audience for the hidden track presentation was an unshaven Ben Affleck, who appeared to jerk awake suddenly when the music started.

Mom Sick Of Reminding Lazy Teenager To Reload Family Gun After Shooting Sprees #~# DICKINSON, ND—Groaning as she once again picked up several of his used shell casings off the ground, local mother Mandy Watkins told reporters Thursday she was sick of reminding her lazy teenager to reload the family gun after shooting sprees. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell him—if you use the family rifle to do some type of large-scale violent crime or mass shooting, always remember to put fresh bullets in it afterwards,” said Watkins, adding that the next time her 16-year-old son borrows the gun, goes out, shoots dozens of innocent bystanders, and then just leaves it sitting empty on the couch, he’d be in real trouble. “I mean, really, how hard is it to clean out the chamber, put in a new magazine, then put it back in the safe in our closet? I know he’s young, but I’m not always going to be there to reload his gun after he commits unspeakable acts of senseless violence. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to shoot something, pulled the trigger, and then just heard an empty click. Seriously, what kind of son are we raising?” At press time, a frustrated Watkins told reporters that her son had temporarily lost his gun privileges after he racked up over $2,000 at an ammunition store, went and shot into an unsuspecting crowd, and then tried to blame it on his little brother.