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‘Elvis’ Producers Criticized For Casting Austin Butler In Role Of Iconic Black Singer #~# LOS ANGELES—As awards season arrives and critics take note of the film’s problematic whitewashed casting, the Golden Globe–nominated Elvis faced increased scrutiny this week for casting Austin Butler in the role of the iconic Black singer. “Using a white actor to portray a world-renowned African American who single-handedly revolutionized pop music is regrettable, to say the least,” critic Ibrahim Lawrence wrote in the Los Angeles Times, suggesting that actors of color had little hope of succeeding in today’s film industry if producers couldn’t even bring themselves to give a Black man the starring role in a musical biopic about Elvis Presley. “And it’s so unnecessary. Why not cast Jonathan Majors? LaKeith Stanfield? Even Michael Ealy could’ve knocked it out of the park, but once again, Hollywood has chosen to engage in historical erasure to fit a white-centric ideal, in this case an Elvis who would be palatable to a larger demographic. Hearing classics like ‘Baby Let’s Play House,’ ‘Hound Dog,’ and ‘In The Ghetto’ coming out of a white man’s lips is nothing short of jarring.” Though his decision to take the part has been condemned in most quarters, many critics have nonetheless praised Butler for his refusal to wear blackface in his depiction of Presley.

Second Batch Of Classified Documents Found In Biden’s Home Garage #~# Aides to President Joe Biden discovered at least one additional batch of classified documents in his home garage in Delaware. What do you think?

Trump Condemns Courts For Forcing His Already Cash-Strapped Supporters To Pay $1.6 Million Tax Fraud Fine #~# PALM BEACH, FL—Declaring the penalty extreme and unjust, Donald Trump condemned the New York courts Friday for forcing his already cash-strapped supporters to pay a $1.6 million fine for tax fraud. “It is wrong for the courts to place this undue burden on my followers, who have already spent many millions of dollars to cover my legal fees,” said the former president, adding that the imposition of such a fine at a time when MAGA supporters were already struggling just to make their recurring weekly donations to his next presidential campaign was especially cruel. “This could absolutely crush some of my donors, especially the low-income people, who are so blindly loyal with their support. Making the many blue-collar Americans who give me money shell out another $1.6 million for this pointless fine when I’ll be asking for much, much more from them in the future is heartless, and the judge and district attorney should be ashamed.” At press time, Trump’s team sent out an email to his supporters, promising to make the courts pay for this great injustice in exchange for a small contribution to his campaign.

Kamala Harris Assures Public No One Has Given Her Single Classified Document #~# WASHINGTON—Stressing that there was a “zero-percent chance” she had mishandled sensitive information, Vice President Kamala Harris assured the American public Friday that no one had given her a single classified document. “Not to look at, not even to hold—frankly, I couldn’t even tell you where they’re kept,” said Harris, who held a press conference to announce that even if she had had access to classified government documents, she wouldn’t dream in a million years of taking her work home with her, and that most of the binders in her office were empty anyway. “Please take comfort when I say I have no security clearance, on any level. My key fob doesn’t even work most days, and I have to text someone on my staff to come let me in. Yesterday, I stood outside the White House in the cold for 15 minutes before anyone came to get me.” At press time, Harris admitted that she had once taken home a roll of paper towels.

Onion Sports’ NFL Wild Card Weekend Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s Super Wild Card Weekend.

Concessions Kevin McCarthy Made To Become House Speaker #~# After 15 votes and multiple days of negotiations, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) finally won his bid to become speaker of the House. The Onion examines what concessions McCarthy had to make.

Logan Paul Challenges Abandoned Pet Pig To Boxing Match #~# DORADO, PUERTO RICO—Vowing to put the animal in her place “once and for all,” internet personality and professional wrestler Logan Paul publicly challenged his former pet pig Pearl to a boxing match on Friday. “I heard you’ve been oinking a lot of shit about me, Pearl, but soon the whole world will know the clown that you are,” said the 27-year-old YouTuber, who stated that while he had never mistreated the potbellied pig once in the two years he owned her, he was ready to dole out a long-overdue beating. “Listen, I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. So let’s settle this in the ring. Meet me in Miami whenever you’re ready. The Hard Rock Stadium, 12 rounds, just you and me. Hooves up, bitch. I’ll make bacon out of you. That is, unless you’re too scared?” At press time, reports confirmed Paul had been knocked out cold by Pearl in a record 2.5 seconds.

Nursing Home Keeps Elderly Residents Active By Shooting At Their Feet #~# WAVERLY, NE—Laughing uproariously as they watched the aging, often handicapped seniors dance, staff members at local nursing home Heartland Care Facility told reporters Friday that the best way to keep elderly residents active was to grab a gun and start shooting at their feet. “Once they reach their 80s, traditional exercise programs start to become more difficult, but what we’ve found is that we can achieve similar outcomes by simply firing a pistol and shouting, ‘Dance, Grandpa, dance!’” caretaker Nadia Morril said as she casually swigged from a dusty bottle of whiskey, explaining that the knowledge they could be shot at any time also helped keep the seniors alert and mentally sharp. “They may look old and frail to you, but you’d be shocked how much energy they can muster when they think they’re going to lose their toes. What really gets their heart rate up is when you tell them you won’t stop at their feet. Yessir, this oughtta get them ol’ bones out of that recliner! Yee-haw!” Morril went on to describe how she had gotten the elderly residents up that morning by throwing firecrackers in their beds.

New York GOP Calls On George Santos To Resign #~# New York Republican officials have called on embattled Rep. George Santos to resign from office over his lies to voters and fabrications about his personal life. What do you think?

Kamala Harris Pops By Office To Print Out Concert Tickets #~# WASHINGTON—Peeking around corners and ducking past doorways in an effort to get in and out of her workplace unseen, Vice President Kamala Harris reportedly popped by the Eisenhower Executive Office Building late Wednesday to print out concert tickets. Upon confirming all members of her staff, who she had allegedly not seen in months, had left work for the day, Harris is said to have entered her office for the sole purpose of using a printer to access a pair of passes to that night’s Goo Goo Dolls show at the Merriweather Post pavilion in Columbia, MD. As a precaution in case she encountered her chief of staff or one of her aides, sources confirmed the vice president walked into the facility with her phone up to her ear, ready to engage in a phony conversation about how climate change was a “really tough issue” and to sigh loudly in order to sound very busy. According to reports, Harris then logged into Ticketmaster from her office computer, downloaded a file she renamed “border_security_ideas.pdf,” and printed the document with a nearby Epson EcoTank Pro ET-5850. After the vice president grabbed a granola bar from the kitchen and slipped out of the office mostly undetected, the Eisenhower building’s IT administrator was overheard giving Harris a hard time for using up all of the printer’s ink on her full-color personal holiday cards.

Dr. Scholl’s Increases Brand Awareness By Planting Products In Customers’ Purses And Claiming They Stole It #~# CHICAGO—In an effort to boost brand awareness among crucial demographic groups, Dr. Scholl’s confirmed Thursday that they would start planting their foot care products in customers’ bags and just claiming they stole it. “What we hope to do is casually drop our gel inserts and orthotics into a customer’s purse and then tell the nearest employee that we might’ve seen them pocket something,” said company spokesman William Huntsman, admitting that loudly exclaiming “Hey, you can’t just take that Dr. Scholl’s insole!” to a flustered shopper had more potential than advertisements, billboards, or word of mouth to convince customers that such products were highly desirable. “Seeing someone get tackled to the ground by a security guard over a Hot And Cold Foot Massage Ball that magically appeared in their backpack? That’s going to stay in a consumer’s mind for years—maybe even decades. It suggests that this person was driven so mad by the desire to acquire our foot-based pain relief products that they were willing to risk life and limb. It’s really the perfect strategy.” Huntsman added that he also envisioned potential sales from telling the individual that they wouldn’t call the cops if they just bought the Dr. Scholl’s product.

Congress’ Agenda For The Next Two Years #~# The 2022 midterms saw Republicans gain control of the House and the Democrats add one seat to their slim Senate majority, giving rise to concern that a divided Congress will be unable to address the nation’s most pressing issues. The Onion looks at the 118th Congress’ top agenda items for the next two years.

Every Lie George Santos Has Told About His Life Thus Far #~# Rep. George Santos (R-NY) has repeatedly misrepresented his achievements, his career, and his heritage both before and during his time as an elected official. Here is every lie he’s told the public about his life so far.

Sherlock Holmes Enters Public Domain #~# Copyrights on works from 1927, including Arthur Conan Doyle’s short story collection The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes, have expired, making the works open to the public to legally share, perform, reuse, repurpose, or sample without permission or cost. What do you think?

Dog Worried He Always One Initiating Petting #~# SAN RAMON, CA—Observing that it was somehow on him every time to roll over and nudge his owner’s hand with his snout, local canine Peanut reportedly expressed concern Thursday that he was always the one to initiate petting. “I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but just one time when we’re lying together on the couch, I want my owner to step up and make the effort to tickle me,” said Peanut, adding that he couldn’t remember the last time his owner made the first move to pet his chin, scratch behind his ears, or rub his belly. “It’s not that he’s not into it, because once I lick his arm or swat his face to show him that I’m in the mood, he’s totally down. I just don’t want it to get to the point where I’m always howling or pissing on the ground to get what I want. Otherwise this could get toxic.” Peanut also revealed that he had become so frustrated lately that most nights he growled at his owner, nipped his hand, and then trudged over to the corner to scratch himself.

Dr. Dre Serves Marjorie Taylor Greene Cease-And-Desist Order For Using Song #~# Rapper Dr. Dre has sent a cease-and-desist letter to U.S. politician Marjorie Taylor Greene, after she used his song “Still D.R.E.” in a promotional video. What do you think?

Katie Porter Uses Whiteboard To Explain To Dianne Feinstein Why This Her Office Now #~# WASHINGTON—Circling the words “dead soon” for emphasis, Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) reportedly used a whiteboard Wednesday to explain to Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) why the public office held by Feinstein for 30 years belonged to Porter now. “So as you can see here, the average life expectancy for a woman in the United States is 79 years, and come 2024, you’ll be 91—if you’re lucky—and that’s just too old!” said Porter, who drew a stick figure that was hunched over and leaning on a cane, along with several arrows that appeared to indicate the figure was about to tumble into an open grave. “Me, I’ll only be 51. But you, well, pretty soon you’re going to be down there in the ground. So you can’t stay here. Are you still following me, Dianne? This office is mine.” At press time, sources confirmed Porter had been forced to wipe the board clean and start over by explaining that the Hart Senate Office Building was not Feinstein’s home and she did not live there.

Matt Gaetz Accuses Roblox Of Silencing Conservative Voices #~# WASHINGTON—Claiming that he had been systematically banned from playing games, purchasing Robux, or communicating with other users due to his political beliefs, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) told reporters Wednesday he had evidence that Roblox was actively silencing conservative voices. “Today, on Roblox, I was disgusted to find that my highly customized avatar, my in-game achievements, and my friends list had been totally wiped, all because I dared to speak my mind as a white, conservative man in America,” said Gaetz, who added that the gaming platform, which is popular among adolescents, had consistently and pervasively discriminated against prominent, outspoken Republican legislators and pundits like him. “As an active member of Roblox since 2017, I was disturbed, but not surprised, to find that the liberal elite had conspired to remove my friendship badge and ban me from playing my favorite pizza game on my private Discord server with my 900 mutuals. What if conservatives want to hunt virtual easter eggs or attend a Roblox Twenty One Pilots concert? The leftists in charge of Roblox are trying to prevent conservatives from seeking the truth and learning what users are wearing, where they live, and if their parents are home. Until we have a Roblox that supports free speech, people like me will always be second-class citizens.” At press time, Gaetz could not be reached for comment after evidence surfaced that he had sent a large number of Robux transactions to underage girls.

Hole In Ozone Will Mend By 2066, U.N. Report Finds #~# A recently released United Nations assessment found that the hole in the Earth’s protective ozone layer is on track to fully mend by 2066, following measures taken by world governments in the late 1980s to phase out ozone-depleting substances. What do you think?

Mortuary Cosmetologist Opts To Give Client More Natural Decomposing Look #~# GALLATIN, TN—Citing the adage “less is more,” mortuary cosmetologist Rhonda Greenfield opted Wednesday to give her client at Bradford Funeral Home a more natural decomposing look for his upcoming open-casket viewing. “Corpses can look so overdone with all the foundation and blush, so I’m going to use a lighter touch to accentuate the graying flesh,” said Greenfield, adding that she thinks dead people should embrace their own intrinsic putrescence instead of abiding by the unrealistic standards of a society that insists on skin lesions and decaying flesh being hidden behind makeup. “He already has a beautiful bone structure that’s coming through even more as his skin deteriorates. I think I might even open these pustules a little more to get them to really pop.” At press time, Greenfield was adding a few extra maggots to her client’s nostrils and mouth to complete his everyday festering look.

Man Memorizes Several Awkward Remarks In Case Date Not Going Uncomfortably Enough #~# BOSTON—In an effort to keep things as stilted as possible, local man Terrence Williams told reporters he had memorized several awkward remarks for a first date Wednesday night in case it wasn’t going uncomfortably enough. “I always like to have a couple conversation-enders up my sleeve for when things don’t immediately lapse into painful silence,” said Williams, adding that he worried about the middle part of the date, when it sometimes felt as if he had exhausted everything he could say to halt the conversation’s natural flow. “Obviously, I can start things off on the wrong foot by giving her an off-putting compliment, like, ‘nice beefy hands.’ But it’s good to know that even if everything is progressing in a completely pleasant way, I can always bring up my ex for no apparent reason. Or maybe we can talk about my favorite pizza places in the city for so long that it’s unclear if we’ll ever return to a normal topic again. Or I can just get really quiet and stare at my lap for a little bit. That works almost every time.” Williams added that if all else failed, he could always mention how white men are the real victims.

Signs Someone Is Catfishing You #~# With the significant increase in deceptive activity online, The Onion provides a handy guide to determine if someone is catfishing you.

Study Finds Early Humans Selectively Bred Corn To Be Less Aggressive #~# LINCOLN, NE—Noting the low attack rates among modern corn, a study published Friday by researchers at the University of Nebraska found that early humans selectively bred corn to be less aggressive. “Though ingenuity and careful breeding, early Native American farmers artificially selected maize varieties that exhibited less violent behavior, a process that culminated in the docile corn we enjoy today,” said Professor Maggie Royer, explaining that over the centuries agriculturalists were able to isolate specific strains that didn’t attack those who tried to pick them, lacked natural razor-sharp teeth, and didn’t shoot poisonous barbs.“The ancient breeds of corn were so aggressive, in fact, that primitive humans were often devoured while attempting to harvest the cereal grain. Still, the relationship between humans and maize began to warm up when early humans fed meat to corn to gain its trust, eventually turning it into a companion grain.” Royer added that not all of the early humans’ attempts at selective breeding were as successful, noting that their effort to domesticate wolves resulted in the canines becoming a hirsute fruit.

Bird Claims Its Mother Makes The Best Vomit In The World #~# DOTHAN, AL—Offering accolades for the homemade puke it grew up eating, a local barn swallow told reporters Friday that its mother made the best vomit in the world. “I know everyone says this, but no one can regurgitate like my mom does,” said the migratory songbird, explaining that it had eaten vomit from some of the best sidewalks in the country and still nothing compared to its mother’s blend of freshly disgorged, bile-infused nutrients. “It’s the perfect combination of partially digested worms, flies, seeds, and a little hint of love. Plus, she makes it extra chunky, just the way I like it.” At press time, grieving sources reported that the barn swallow’s mother had bounced off a car windshield and died before she was able to pass the recipe down to her family.

Bolsonaro Supporters Storm Brazil’s Congress #~# Supporters of former Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro who refuse to accept his election defeat stormed Congress, the Supreme Court, and presidential palace in the capital, a week after the inauguration of his leftist rival, President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva. What do you think?

High School Teaches Co-Parenting Skills By Having Students Fight Over Who Gets Egg For Weekend #~# CALUMET, OK—In an effort to prepare the teenagers for the reality of rearing children, students at Calumet High School were reportedly learning co-parenting skills Tuesday by fighting over who got to take their egg home for the weekend. “While not a perfect simulation, this project gives students a taste of what it’s like to threaten and undermine one another,” said family and consumer science teacher Jenna Tunnel, who stated that she had paired off her ninth grade students by lack of compatibility and given each group one raw egg to attempt to scream at each other over. “There are always some students who complain that the assignment is too taxing, but the majority appreciate learning what it’s like to send and receive incredibly cutting text messages about their carelessness and suspected problem with alcohol. Leaving a voicemail saying you’re going to take their ass to court if they’re even a minute late to handoff is an invaluable skill they will all someday need to use in the real world.” At press time, Tunnel added that students would automatically fail the assignment if a judge awarded full custody to their project partner.

Woman Will Never Know Intimacy Like Passing Garbage Truck Drivers Slowing Down To Point At Each Other #~# HARTFORD, CT—Overcome with quiet melancholy as she witnessed the profound tenderness of the exchange, area woman Camille Rossner reportedly realized Tuesday that she would never know an intimacy like that of two passing garbage truck drivers slowing down their vehicles to point at each other. “It must feel so amazing to experience that kind of connection with someone,” said the 27-year-old event planner, adding that she regretted the comparative solitude of her own existence as she watched the two sanitation workers put on their brakes, smile wide, and acknowledge each other with an outstretched finger and a honk of their horns. “While I can appreciate, from a distance, the easy confidence of the gesture and the casual exchange of bonhomie, I can never participate. No, unless I someday managed to climb behind the wheel of a garbage truck and meet another driver whose route goes by mine, that just isn’t in the cards for me.” At press time, Rossner was seen brushing away a tear as she noticed two trash collectors riding on the backs of the trucks reach over for a quick fist bump.

Signs Your Roommate Actually Hates You #~# No amount of rent reduction is worth sharing an apartment with someone like you. Here are telltale signs your roommate actually hates you.

Kevin McCarthy Elected House Speaker After 15 Rounds Of Voting #~# Republican Kevin McCarthy was elected House speaker on a historic post-midnight 15th ballot early Saturday, after making extensive concessions to right-wing hardliners that raised questions about the party’s ability to govern. What do you think?

Explosive Prince Harry Memoir Reveals William Used Too Much Tongue When They Kissed #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Divulging that the interactions with his brother often got physical, a passage leaked Monday from Spare, the explosive new memoir by Prince Harry, revealed that Prince William used far too much tongue whenever the brothers kissed. “Nearly every time the two of us made out, we’d barely have a chance to get started before William would be jamming his tongue right down my throat,” said Harry, adding that while he had nothing against French kissing per se, his older brother “just went way overboard” with a sloppy tonguing technique that was overbearing and “kind of gross.” “I would clench my teeth in the hopes he’d take a hint, but he always kept right at it. Don’t get me wrong—since leaving the U.K., I do miss William’s lips. But once he even put his slobbery tongue in my mouth right after we’d gone out for curry, and it was so disgusting I thought I was going to puke.” The book goes on to claim that William forced Harry to keep the bad kissing a secret by threatening to tell everyone his younger brother gave terrible blow jobs.

Brazilians Terrified That Riot Could Lead To Tedious Congressional Hearings #~# RIO DE JANEIRO—In the wake of a pro-Bolsonaro mob storming the nation’s capital, Brazilians expressed terror Monday that the riot could lead to years of tedious congressional hearings. “Oh God, we’re going to have to sit through month after month of these bone-dry meetings where grandstanding politicians pat themselves on the back for defending democracy,” said Rio resident Adriana Santoro, echoing the horror felt by her fellow citizens as they watched footage of rioters ransacking government buildings, videos they already knew would be played hundreds of times until they lost all meaning. “After what happened in America, we told ourselves it could never happen in Brazil. But we were dead wrong. You can already see the gleam in their eyes, because they’re all thinking about how they’ll get to bring in some stupid little props and give boring-ass speeches about how brave they all are. Jesus Christ, they’re never going to shut up about this.” At press time, millions of Brazilians reportedly sat in muted terror as Majority Leader Aguinaldo Ribeiro announced the creation of the Comitê de 8 de janeiro.

McCarthy Elected Speaker After Far-Right GOP Minority Joins Rest Of Far-Right GOP Majority #~# WASHINGTON—Following a tense four days in Congress’ lower chamber that saw members of his own party vote to deny him the top spot 14 straight times, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) was elected speaker of the House early Saturday morning when the far-right GOP minority joined together with the rest of the far-right GOP majority. “It took a while, but we were finally able to get our 20 most right-wing members to compromise with our other 200 most right-wing members,” said Rep. Patrick McHenry (R-NC), a McCarthy ally who was instrumental in helping the new speaker win over members of the hard-right House Freedom Caucus with key concessions to the majority GOP’s hard-right plans for this congressional term. “Electing Kevin showed that we’re able to smooth over the differences between the far-right faction and the other far-right faction to pursue our identical policy goals of eradicating the social safety net, punishing immigrants, and trying to subvert democratic elections, as well as find key compromises in the approach all of us will take to undermine a functional government. Whether you’re one of the holdouts who wants Republicans to pursue a radically conservative agenda, or one of the stalwart McCarthy backers who wants a reactionary right-wing agenda, you have a place in the McCarthy-led House. It’s a good sign for Americans that we’re able to compromise despite seeing eye to eye on every issue.” McCarthy allies also told reporters that the concessions allowed them to avoid the nightmare scenario of some of the far-right Republicans moving to align with the right-wing faction of the Democratic Party.

Man Has Real Thing For Blond-Haired, Blue-Eyed Aryans Of Pure Breeding Stock #~# SANTA BARBARA, CA—Saying that the heart wants what the heart wants, local man Ross Weber told reporters Monday that he had a real thing for blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans of pure breeding stock. “I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about a naturally blond woman with an undiluted bloodline and membership in the master race that really turns me on,” said Weber, insisting that while he had nothing against women with darker complexions whose heritage had been sullied through interbreeding with “the mud races,” they just didn’t do anything for him. “I guess I’ve always been attracted to blue-eyed girls with a square jaw, narrow nose, and other Nordic features—the ones who, through their ability to produce white offspring, can combat the rising tide of color. Don’t ask me why. And though I’m honestly not that picky, whenever I find out that a woman’s ancestry includes even one single drop of Asian or African blood, it’s sort of a deal breaker for me.” Reached for comment on Weber’s remarks, numerous women without blond hair and blue eyes expressed deep sadness that the pasty, overweight, culturally illiterate man living in his mother’s basement would never want to date them.

Couple Loses Life Savings After Getting Scammed Into Having Baby At Hospital #~# CLEVELAND—Representing just one couple among millions who fall prey to the scam every year, Annalise and Patrick Callahan confirmed Monday they had lost their life savings after getting tricked into having their baby at the hospital. “These so-called healthcare officials assured us this was a safe and smart place to have our baby—I’ve never felt more stupid in my life,” said Annalise Callahan, 33, who was devastated after discovering that she and her husband’s savings of more than $20,000 had been wiped out in a single day at the Cleveland Clinic Fairview Hospital. “We’ve worked so hard for years and years, and poof, just like that, every penny is gone. It’s a whole operation they have running. They have smooth-talking men and women who wear white coats to make you trust them, and then they rob you blind. We’re speaking up so other couples don’t fall for the same terrible scam.” At press time, Callahan added that the worst part was that now she had to care for an expensive baby.

Police Ask For Public’s Help In Falsifying Report #~# HOUSTON—Calling on the community for assistance in closing an unsolved case, Houston police chief Jeff Sommer asked the public Monday for its help in falsifying a police report that would implicate local 24-year-old Terrence Carter in the crime. “In order to wrongfully accuse a suspect and take him into custody, we are asking residents to please share any misinformation they may have about this individual,” said Sommer, who added that any hearsay or fabricated eyewitness accounts placing Carter at the scene of the crime should be reported to police immediately. “To encourage anyone who might wish to make a wholly unfounded accusation in this case, we’ve set up an anonymous tip line, and we’re urging the public to misreport anything suspicious that may incriminate the man not responsible for this heinous act. False claims based on your personal biases and crude stereotypes are especially appreciated and will go a long way toward helping us lock up an innocent person so we can clear this terrible crime from the books.” In an announcement regarding a separate case, Sommer confirmed the reward had been raised to $25,000 for anyone willing to testify they had seen a gun in the hand of a woman the police recently shot and killed on her front porch.

CEOs Explain Why They Oppose A 4-Day Workweek #~# While European companies have begun experimenting with four-day workweeks, American companies have yet to adopt the practice. The Onion asked American CEOs to explain why they oppose a shorter workweek, and this is what they said.

Elon Musk Unveils New Cybertruck Concept Design #~# AUSTIN, TX—After a year in which the electric automaker’s stock lost 65% of its value, CEO Elon Musk has doubled down on plans to build Tesla’s Cybertruck, introducing on Friday a new design for a concept vehicle that would boldly reimagine the American pickup. “This is a truck unlike any the world has ever seen: the first to consist entirely of a quadrilateral with four congruent sides and four right angles,” Musk said during a media event at Tesla headquarters, describing the proposed Cybertruck’s unique two-dimensionality and innovative ability to glide across land, sea, and air. “It’s going to be totally flat, and we’ve done away with the wheels completely. Because it has no depth, it can theoretically travel at infinite speeds. And with its ability to hold an unlimited number of passengers, the Cybertruck will instantly alleviate all traffic congestion between San Francisco and L.A. Anyway, we’ll have these on the road later this year.” At press time, Tesla’s stock price had reportedly tripled even as Musk’s blueprint for the concept car inexplicably erupted into flames.

On Top Of Everything Else, Kevin McCarthy Wetting Bed Again #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing as he hid another pair of soiled pajamas deep in his hamper, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) confirmed Friday that on top of everything else that had been going on, he was also wetting the bed again. “Jesus, this is the absolute last thing I need! This has been the worst week of my life,” said the visibly frustrated California lawmaker, whose bid for the role of House speaker has been met with persistent opposition among members of his own party and has been the cause of severe anxiety that, McCarthy noted, was not being helped at all by the vengeful return of his urinary incontinence problem. “Man, I thought a dozen failed attempts for the speakership, our dog running away, and spilling coffee all over my desk yesterday were as bad as it could get, but now I’m peeing all over my sheets in the middle of the night. It’s like my freshman year of Congress all over again. Ugh, I just completely reek of piss. My wife and housekeeper can’t seem to look me in the eyes, and I could really use their support right now, because I’m sure not getting enough at work.” At press time, McCarthy was reportedly seen crying in the Capitol bathroom after Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) had told everybody about the pack of Depends she saw in his briefcase.

What To Know About The New Covid Variant XBB1.5 #~# Health experts have raised the alarm about the fast-spreading coronavirus variant XBB1.5, which could drive a new surge of cases. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about covid XBB1.5.

What To Say If You Catch Your Partner Watching Pornography #~# Catching your partner watching porn can be incredibly embarrassing. Fortunately, The Onion has provided a list of the perfect things to say to address the situation.

Man At Gym Listening To Pump-Up Playlist To Get Courage To Take Off Shirt In Locker Room #~# BOSTON—Putting his headphones over his ears and taking a deep breath, local man Dalton Griffith was reportedly listening to his pump-up playlist at the gym Friday to get the courage to take off his shirt in the locker room. “I got this,” said Griffith, who turned up the volume on the DMX song from his carefully curated gym locker room mix, feeling the adrenaline course through his veins as he prepared for the grueling challenge that awaited him. “This might hurt, but I have to remember it will all be worth it in the end. It’s time to get tough. No pain, no gain. I’m going to lift this shirt if it’s the last thing I ever do. Let’s fucking go!” At press time, a defeated Griffith was seen on the elliptical machine still wearing his button-up shirt.

Celebrity Thinking About Getting Pilot’s License #~# LOS ANGELES—Saying it seemed like something he was supposed to do given his level of income and public renown, local celebrity Chris Hemsworth was reportedly thinking Friday about getting his pilot’s license. “I was just wondering what I should do now that I have a bunch of money and free time, and it just hit me—I should train to fly small aircraft,” said Hemsworth, adding that he’d spoken to other celebrities about getting a pilot’s license and the celebrities all told him they were thinking about getting one too. “I honestly never dreamed about being a pilot growing up, and never even cared that much about planes, but ever since I became a celebrity, it’s something I’ve really started to consider. It would be something interesting to put in the ‘personal life’ section of my Wikipedia page, as well. Then I could talk about it in interviews and say something about how I like the freedom of flying a plane, and how it gives me a chance to see the world beneath me from a new perspective. I also think an Instagram picture of me wearing a headset in a plane every so often would be really fun for me and my fans.” Hemsworth added that he was also looking forward to reading news stories about him barely surviving a small single-plane crash after unadvisedly taking his aircraft out during a storm.

Vatican Defrocks Anti-Abortion Priest Who Used Aborted Fetus In Sermon #~# The Vatican has defrocked the American anti-abortion priest Frank Pavone for what it called “blasphemous communications on social media” and “persistent disobedience” after he placed an aborted fetus on an altar and posted a video of it on two social media sites. What do you think?

Vatican Funeral Ends With Ritual Eating Of Pope Benedict’s Body #~# VATICAN CITY—In a requiem mass that followed strict liturgical protocol for a deceased head of the Roman Catholic Church, the funeral of Pope Benedict XVI reportedly concluded Thursday with the ritual eating of the former pontiff’s body. “Father, into your hands I commend his spirit, as we commend to our stomachs his body and blood,” Pope Francis said as he presided over the solemn ceremony at St. Peter’s Basilica, ripping a finger off the late Benedict’s corpse, raising it up for the Lord’s final blessing, and then sucking out the marrow in a church custom believed to date back more than a thousand years. “Take this, all of you, and eat of it, for this is our pope. Take these arms and these legs, and with their blood let your thirst be quenched. God has made this sacred flesh to nourish us, however tough and stringy it may be. Don’t be shy, my children, come now—there are still plenty of ribs and shanks left.” At press time, church officials announced that any leftovers would be turned into papal jerky and made available for a limited time in the Vatican gift shop.

Incredibly Productive House Of Representatives Assembles For 8th Vote In Just 3 Days #~# WASHINGTON—Defying speculation that the 118th Congress would get little accomplished during its term, the incredibly productive House of Representatives assembled Thursday for its eighth vote in just three days. “Less than 72 hours into the new session, and they’ve already held seven votes—these committed representatives are holding a master class in how to show up and get down to brass tacks,” said New York Times congressional reporter Annie Karni, adding that the seven votes in the House of Representatives had also seen 100% attendance, a rarity in the chamber, which only underscored the legislative body’s universal commitment to efficiency. “Things are finally changing in Washington. We’ve also received word from Capitol sources that this burst of productivity from our elected officials might not even be over—we could see an ninth, tenth, or even 11th vote today. This level of voting right out of the gate hasn’t been seen in America in over a century, and it bodes well for our nation’s future.” At press time, several new polls found that a majority of Americans supported giving the hardworking representatives a few days or even weeks off to rest.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week 18 Picks #~# Onion Sports shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in the NFL’s week 18 games.

How The House Speaker Is Elected #~# With a group of Republicans holding out against the candidacy of Rep. Kevin McCarthy, the election of a new House speaker has hit a stalemate, and the House cannot begin business until a speaker is chosen. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how the speaker of the House is elected.

Nation’s Children Of Alcoholics Figure They Might As Well Get Really Good At Pool #~# AKRON, OH—During a press conference in which they described the game as the best option available for passing the long hours their parents spent drinking at bars, children of the nation’s alcoholics announced Thursday that they might as well get really good at pool. “Our moms and dads just ordered their fourth round, and there aren’t any toys to play with, so we figured, why not develop a surprisingly strong pool game?” said Caleb Thompson, 7, who stood with cue in hand at local bar Shooters Pub as he spoke on behalf of children with hard-drinking parents, stating that it only made sense, given how much time they spent in places like this, to practice their bank shots and learn how to put a little spin on the ball. “We’re here all the time, so we can put in however many hours it takes to become good enough at eight-ball to hustle any unsuspecting drunks who think a little kid has no chance of beating them. It’d be nice to make a few extra bucks in case our parents drink up all the rent money again.” The nation’s children of alcoholics went on to clarify that as soon as their feet could reach the pedals, they would switch their emphasis from pool to learning how to safely drive their blackout drunk parents back home.

Favorite Snack In Every State #~# Americans all across the country love to stuff their dumb fucking faces. The Onion examines the favorite snack in every state.

Study Finds Dolphins May Suffer From Alzheimer’s Disease #~# A study has found that the brains of some stranded dolphins showed classic markers of human Alzheimer’s disease, supporting the theory that “mass strandings” occur when one animal becomes confused and leads their pod into dangerously shallow waters. What do you think?

Roger Goodell Announces Thinking Too Hard About Football Has Given Him CTE #~# NEW YORK—The NFL community was rocked by another disclosure of a devastating brain injury Wednesday after commissioner Roger Goodell announced that thinking too hard about football had given him CTE. “It is with sadness that I tell you league doctors have diagnosed me with chronic traumatic encephalopathy, a condition I developed after repeated thoughts to the head,” Goodell, 63, said in a statement, adding that he sought medical attention Tuesday morning after the decision over whether to call a game between the Buffalo Bills and Cincinnati Bengals due to a player going into cardiac arrest on the field had caused him to think “way, way too hard” about football, which induced massive headaches accompanied by severe confusion. “Taking some Tylenol didn’t work, and I suddenly felt very angry at all the people asking me about football, so I went to the doctor. They informed me that after 16 years as commissioner of the league, repeatedly wondering whether football is good or bad had given me dozens of concussions. I want to take responsibility for my CTE, however, because I started having ideas about football at a young age, when my brain wasn’t fully developed, and I haven’t always worn a helmet when I thought about football. Now, I’ve unfortunately thought so much about football that I’m experiencing significant memory loss, and even suicidal ideation. I wish I had been more careful about thinking.” At press time, a visibly disoriented Goodell was seen standing nude outside NFL headquarters brandishing a handgun and threatening to end thoughts about football once and for all.

Biggest Things People Hate About ‘Wife Guys’ #~# “Wife guys,” a term that has grown in popularity on social media, is used to describe men who base their entire personalities on being married to their wives. Here are the biggest things people hate about wife guys.

Neurologists Confirm Nightmares Persist After Death #~# CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on what happens to humans after they die, a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of Neurology found that the nightmares will never cease, not even in death. “For decades, the consensus among scientists was that once life ended, the nightmares would end too, but new data confirms we were wrong,” said Harvard University neurologist and study co-author John Simmons, explaining that after death, residual electro-chemical impulses could still be detected in the human brain, but only in the portions of the amygdala and hippocampus responsible for the most painful, horrific, and humiliating dreams. “Our research indicates that long after death—as our bodies decompose and there is less and less of us physically—there remains behind a mental awareness that is actually quite powerful, though limited exclusively to hallucinatory visions of terror as we relive the most excruciating panic and torment our psyches endured in life. It appears, from a clinical perspective, that there is no escape.” Simmons added that the situation was somewhat different when a body was cremated, observing that in these cases the brain merely registered a sensation of continuous burning for all eternity.

Kyler Murray Doing Everything Possible To Get Back On Xbox Live #~# GLENDALE, AZ—After receiving surgery to repair a torn ACL, Arizona Cardinals quarterback Kyler Murray reportedly vowed Wednesday that he was doing everything possible to get back on Xbox Live. “It’s been really difficult not to be out there competing in the Call Of Duty battle royale with my fellow gamers, but I’m willing to put in the work to get back in my gaming chair as soon as I can,” said Murray, acknowledging that while he didn’t have a firm timeline yet, he hoped to be fully recovered by September when NBA 2K24 comes out. “I may not be able to play, but rest assured I’ll be spending hours watching other players’ Twitch streams so I can keep my mind in Xbox mode and continue to look for new ways to improve my gameplay. Don’t worry I’ll have my headset on, doing what I can to help my Call Of Duty team while I’m on the sidelines. Rest assured that, by this time next year, I’ll be fully recovered and out there ready to be the last player standing in Modern Warfare II.” At press time, Cardinals coach Kliff Klingsbury added that the team would bring Murray’s recovery along slowly, but they were already impressed by the progress he’d shown on Madden 23’s Face of the Franchise Mode.

New York Bans Pet Stores From Selling Cats, Dogs, Rabbits #~# New York has become the latest state to ban the sale of cats, dogs, and rabbits in pet stores, passing a law that will take effect in 2024 and target commercial breeding operations decried by critics as “puppy mills.” What do you think?

Fetterman Struggling To Adapt To Size Of Capitol Building #~# WASHINGTON—Banging his head against the top of the dome in the rotunda, newly sworn-in Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) told reporters Wednesday he was struggling to adapt to the size of the Capitol Building. “I didn’t think the transition from small-town Pennsylvania would be easy, but I wasn’t expecting to have to grease myself up every day just to squeeze into the Senate chamber,” said Fetterman, adding that while he felt a bit out of place taking up one whole side of the aisle on the 9,000-square-foot Senate floor, everyone seemed nice and always greeted him when they noticed the Capitol shaking on his arrival. “It’s hard to be the new kid in a town that was designed back in the day, when the average American male was 5'7". [Majority Leader] Chuck [Schumer] told me the rooms were too small for me to actually sit on any committees, but said I could probably still poke my head in the door sometimes.” At press time, Fetterman had declined to attend a cocktail event with high-powered lobbyists, saying he didn’t want to visit an upscale D.C. restaurant where he knew he would never fit in.

James Patterson To Complete Unfinished Michael Crichton Book #~# Bestselling author James Patterson is set to complete an unfinished manuscript by the late Michael Crichton, a story in which the imminent eruption of Hawaii’s Mauna Loa volcano threatens a secret cache of deadly chemical weapons. What do you think?

NFL Releases Statement Clarifying There Are Not Things More Important Than Football #~# NEW YORK—A day after a game was stopped and then indefinitely postponed following the on-field cardiac arrest of Buffalo Bills safety Damar Hamlin, the NFL issued a statement this afternoon in which it clarified to the public that there are not things more important than football. “Understandably, what happened last night has led some fans to wonder where this league’s priorities lie, and so we want to make crystal clear that absolutely nothing in this world is more valuable than televised professional football,” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell said of the Bills-Bengals game, explaining how in an ideal world, football would be played continuously, with no timeouts and the games never ending, and with any injured and dead players simply shoveled off the field and replaced with new ones. “We saw a tragedy unfold in Cincinnati yesterday, and we must all work together to ensure gameplay is never halted again. One simply cannot place a value on an individual human life that is greater than the value of football in its great, ceaseless, all-consuming march.” Goodell went on to announce that the NFL would make amends for its mistake by extending regular season play well into February.

Kevin McCarthy Assures Skeptical Republicans He Shares Their Vision Of Innocents Drowning In Oceans Of Blood #~# WASHINGTON—In an effort to garner their support and become Speaker of the House, Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) assured his skeptical GOP colleagues Tuesday that he shared their vision of innocents drowning in oceans of blood. “While I hear your concerns and am prepared to make a long list of concessions in exchange for your support, at the end of the day, we all want to joyously stomp on the necks of hardworking Americans as they pathetically cry out for a mercy that shall never come,” the California lawmaker said in an impassioned plea to House Republicans, responding to criticism from far-right members of his party who argue he no longer represents the values of those focused on littering this country from coast to coast with the gory entrails of its docile populace. “We cannot let petty differences get in the way of what could be our most grisly era of violent brutality yet—not while there remains significant common ground on our big-picture goals of every street running red with the sputtering viscera of innocent women and children. I mean, certainly my record of damning my constituents to a life of unparalleled pain and suffering counts for something. Meanwhile, this infighting remains a useless distraction keeping us from slowly drawing our knives across the necks of ordinary Americans and letting the streams of gushing blood spill into our hands until a red tsunami washes away everything in a wave of ferocious splendor. Frankly, I cannot idly stand by as innocent people live to see another day. Can you?” At press time, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) said he would rather see Democrat Hakeem Jeffries take control of the House than someone as soft as McCarthy.

Politicians Explain Why They Oppose Term Limits #~# While term limits may be popular among young legislators, many older career politicians have bristled at the idea. The Onion asked politicians why they oppose caps on government leadership, and this is what they said.

Iconic Artist Of ‘Huge Titty Lois Griffin’ Sadly Remains Unrecognized In His Lifetime #~# TOLEDO, OH—Toiling in obscurity on his cartoon porn adaptations, Aaron Metzler, the iconic artist of Huge Titty Lois Griffin, sadly remains unrecognized in his lifetime, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Despite being the defining creator of the Family Guy erotic fan art genre, nobody even knows Metzler’s name,” said art critic Yves Bassett, claiming that Metzler’s seminal works, such as Stewie Blowing Brian’s Red Rocket and Cleveland Sitting On Quagmire’s Face, would only be understood and widely celebrated by the broader art community long after his death. “Mark my words: These giant cartoon knockers will be studied by art historians in universities for centuries to come. Yet as of now, Metzler’s DeviantArt account has fewer than 40 page views. It’s nothing short of a tragedy that he won’t live to see the tremendous impact his doodled depictions of pointy nipples will have on society.” At press time, Bassett claimed to be personally storing several terabytes of Metzler’s Family Guy porn in order to preserve the brilliant work for future generations.

France To Offer Free Condoms To Adults Up To Age 25 #~# French president Emmanuel Macron has announced that starting in 2023, condoms would be made available for free in pharmacies for 18- to 25-year-olds in a bid to reduce the spread of STIs, which increased by 30% over the last two years. What do you think?

Union-Busting Manager Graciously Accepts Pay Cut Because Boss Knows Best #~# INDIANAPOLIS—Acknowledging the sage decision by the people at the top, union-busting manager Dale Lynskey told reporters Tuesday that he graciously accepted a pay cut because his boss knows best. “Our CEO knows exactly what’s right for company, and obviously I was taking more money than my labor was worth, so I’m happy to right that wrong,” said Lynskey, who personally fired several employees who were secretly trying to organize coworkers to fight for fair wages and safe working conditions, noted that his 20% decrease in salary was all apart of the CEO’s plan that he assumed would benefit him in the long run. “I’m also back to taking on all the responsibilities of the unionizers I axed for no extra pay, which was a pretty financially savvy thing to do on the part of C-suite. Who am I to question it? He’s the boss and there’s a reason he’s the guy at the top, and I’m not.” At press time, Lynskey told reporters he didn’t need health insurance anyway, after the company completely stopped offering benefits in the CEO’s latest sensible cost-saving measure.

White House Now Just Saying That Biden 52 #~# WASHINGTON—Hoping to allay voters’ concerns about the president’s age, officials at the White House are now just saying that Joe Biden is 52 years old, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Americans have made it clear they want to see younger leadership in the White House, and they’re in luck, because President Biden is only 52,” White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre told reporters, adding that Biden had only turned 52 that morning, so he was a young 52. “2024 is right around the corner, and a fresh-faced, Gen X candidate like Joe Biden stands the best chance of firing up the youth vote with his hip perspectives and boyish charisma. It’s time to end America’s gerontocracy and pass the torch to a new generation of leaders, and by the time he starts his second term, President Biden will only be 47—the prime of his life! His white hair is just a dye job to make him look a little more mature. In fact, doctors say his brain and heart actually look more like a 30-year-old’s. Yes, there are definitely big things ahead for this 41-year-old rising star of the Democratic Party!” Jean-Pierre went on to suggest that while Biden’s youth gives him a strong polling edge in prospective 2024 matchups, he’ll likely have to find a new running mate to replace 106-year-old Kamala Harris.

Man Walking Dog Will Be Judge Of What Warrants Sniffing #~# BOISE, ID—Tugging on the leash with a groan while walking his easily distracted dog, local man Kenneth Granger announced Monday that he would be the judge of what warranted sniffing. “Come on, no, you do not need to smell that fence again,” said a visibly annoyed Granger, noting that he found nothing particularly interesting about the partially dilapidated chain-link fence that he and his dog, Bandit, passed more than six times a day on average, and that to him only smelled like metal. “I thought I taught you to be a little more discerning, but until then, I’ll be the judge of what is and is not deserving of an extra whiff. A normal tree? Yeah, right, buddy, we have those in the yard—no need to waste another five seconds on this one. Oh, back to the fire hydrant—way to lean into stereotypes. Look, if I were you, I would go see what’s up with that single abandoned glove over there. Maybe it doesn’t smell as fascinating as a plain old signpost, but at least it’s something new.” At press time, Granger was seen nodding encouragingly as Bandit buried his snout in a stranger’s crotch.

Nation’s Men In Bathroom Stalls Announce Plan To Breathe Really Loudly #~# CHICAGO—Promising their groans would reverberate throughout the restroom, the nation’s men in public bathroom stalls held a press conference Monday to announce their plan to breathe really loudly. “If you hear heavy mouth-breathing coming from behind this door, rest assured, that is us,” said a red-faced, profusely sweating Paul Langoni, who spoke on behalf of defecating men across the country, explaining that there would be many short grunts ramping up to a long, labored heave. “We want Americans to be prepared for this and know that it’s coming. While these intense and prolonged exhalations may startle you or make you uncomfortable, please be aware that even when you go to wash your hands, the sound of the faucet won’t be anywhere near loud enough to drown out our strained guttural noises. Thank you, and wish us luck.” Langoni stressed that no matter how concerned the public might become, no one should attempt to intervene unless, in their exertions, the nation’s men in bathroom stalls blew a cranial artery.

Biblical Archaeologists Uncover 2,000-Year-Old Poster-Board Photo Collage Displayed At Jesus’ Funeral #~# JERUSALEM—Shedding new light on the events that transpired after the crucifixion of the religious figure, biblical archaeologists from the University of Oxford announced Monday they had uncovered a 2,000-year-old poster-board photo collage that was displayed at the funeral of Jesus Christ. “This ancient tribute to the late Jesus of Nazareth most likely sat on an easel near the body as His followers mourned,” Professor Armand Socci said of the 22-by-28-inch card-stock triptych, which is covered in photos that have been pasted on at incongruous angles and which identifies itself as “A Celebration of the Life of Jesus” in letters stenciled and cut out of construction paper. “There are candid shots of Christ and His disciples hiking up Mount Tabor, and images from a wedding in Cana where He famously kept the celebration going by turning water into wine. It’s just a really sweet commemoration that Peter and the other apostles likely put together to memorialize one of their best friends and everything He brought to their lives.” The collage also reportedly documents a part of Jesus’ life completely omitted by the Bible, showing pictures of Him as an awkward teenager with a mullet and a thin, patchy mustache.

World’s Oldest Jeans Found In 1857 Shipwreck Sell For $114,000 #~# A pair of white, heavy-duty miner’s pants pulled from a 1857 shipwreck, which auction officials described as the oldest known pair of jeans in the world, have sold at auction for $114,000. What do you think?

REI Introduces Fleece Supplements To Insulate Digestive Tract #~# KENT, WA—Touting the new line of chewable tablets as a cold-weather essential for outdoor gastric activity, retailer REI announced Monday that it had begun offering a new line of fleece supplements designed to insulate the digestive tract. “Just in time for those chilly winter hikes and camping trips, we’re introducing Fleece Chew, which with a single dose puts you well on your way to warmer and cozier internal organs,” said company CEO Eric Artz, who explained that the supplements expanded on contact with digestive juices, lining the walls of the mouth, throat, stomach, intestines, and rectum with a durable, relaxed-fit sherpa fleece made of 100% recycled polyester. “One tablet each day will protect against those cold winds that blow through the mouth and down the gastrointestinal tract when you’re cross-country skiing or scaling a snow-capped peaked. In fact, when you take a thermo-regulating fleece supplement, you lock in twice as much body heat as you do when ingesting an ordinary jacket.” At press time, REI had recalled the new supplements after consumers reported the fleece causing massive bouts constipation.

Things To Never Say To Someone Who Loves Elon Musk #~# If you know someone who stans the almighty Meme Lord and CEO of the Boring Company Elon Musk, here are things you should never say.

New Zealand Imposes Lifelong Ban On Youth Buying Cigarettes #~# New Zealand has passed into law a unique plan to phase out tobacco smoking by imposing a lifetime ban on buying cigarettes for anybody born on or after Jan. 1, 2009, meaning the minimum age will keep going up as time goes on. What do you think?

E.U. To Allow Cell Phone Calls On Flights #~# The European Commission will permit airlines to provide 5G connectivity on board, allowing passengers to make phone calls and use high-speed data on their cell phones during their flight. What do you think?

NFL Gravediggers Rush To Field To Bury Unconscious Player #~# WASHINGTON—After a particularly bad hit to the head left a member of the Commanders unresponsive, NFL gravediggers were seen rushing to the field Sunday to deliver last rites and bury the unconscious player. Several reports indicated that the crew, which drove out of the stadium tunnel in a burgundy and gold hearse, consisted of pallbearers, several brawny men with shovels, and a priest. According to sources, the NFL gravediggers cleared FedEx Field of athletes, dug a 6-foot-deep hole in the ground, checked the player for signs of life, and dropped his limp body into his final resting place. The priest reportedly turned on his microphone and delivered a 30-second eulogy. As coaches, teammates, and fans watched with bated breath, witnesses confirmed that the concussed athlete briefly gave a thumbs-up, but soon collapsed again, at which point the gravediggers proceeded to pick up their shovels, buried him under several feet of dirt, covered the hole with a fresh layer of sod, and quickly placed a Commanders-themed headstone emblazoned with “One Legacy. One Unified Future” at the grave site. At press time, over 67,000 spectators at FedEx Field were heard cheering wildly after a second player was knocked unconscious, picked up on a stretcher, and thrown into a mass grave on the Commanders sidelines.

12-Year-Old Job Applicant Asked To Explain 12-Year Employment Gap On Résumé #~# LEE’S SUMMIT, MO—Expressing concern over the youngster’s suspiciously sparse work history and total lack of professional references, local factory manager Toby Walters asked a 12-year-old job applicant Tuesday to explain a 12-year employment gap on his résumé. “So, it says here, young man, that you haven’t had a job since you were zero years old—that’s an awfully long time to just be sitting at home, unemployed,” said Walters, adding that he could understand if the seventh-grader had taken off a few years here and there to take care of an aging relative, recover from an illness, or start a family, but failing to keep a steady job for his entire young life was a bit of a stretch. “Look, I don’t mean to be harsh, but I have several applicants here who are 12 years old and have held down jobs all their lives. It didn’t matter if they were homeless, sick, or even had a limb cut off right here in the factory. How are you supposed to compete with them when you haven’t been employed since you left the womb? Now you’re basically aging out of the workforce.” At press time, Walters told reporters he decided to give the 12-year-old upstart a chance, with the caveat that he fully expected his newest employee to immediately die on the job.

Supreme Court Questions Whether President Legally Allowed To Improve Americans’ Lives #~# WASHINGTON—Expressing deep skepticism about the constitutionality of such executive actions, members of the Supreme Court’s conservative majority raised questions during oral arguments Tuesday about whether the president was legally allowed to improve the lives of Americans. “Our founders, in their abundant wisdom, saw fit to restrain the commander-in-chief from benefiting the American people in any discernible way,” said Chief Justice John G. Roberts, who joined the court’s five other Republican appointees in casting doubt on presidential efforts to even slightly lessen the burden of everyday citizens, let alone secure them some measure of peace or happiness. “Indeed, precedent suggests that our Constitution was drawn up with an eye toward maintaining the public’s general misery. Separation-of-powers principles clearly indicate that the president’s job is primarily focused on one duty: giving speeches that nobody watches or cares about.” Roberts expressed enthusiasm, however, for a related case suggesting that the chief executive’s duties could sometimes include compounding the average American’s suffering as much as humanly possible.

Note From Shein Worker Hidden In Order States How Much He Loves Doing Sweatshop Labor #~# DECATUR, GA—Decorated with hearts and smiley faces, a note from a Shein factory worker found Tuesday in local woman Amelia Benson’s order described how much the employee loves doing sweatshop labor for the fast-fashion company. “My job is great! You should order more clothes, because I love making them!” read the message by a laborer from Guangzhou, China, who works up to 18 hours a day, is allowed one day off each month, and earns 4 cents for every garment she completes. “The working conditions here are great, and there is no need to contact the authorities! I hope to spend the rest of my life making 500 articles of clothing per day. Anyway, enjoy your $12 peacoat.” At press time, Benson had reportedly posted an angry review about the poor quality of her item on Shein’s website, demanding that whoever made it be fired.

FBI Releases List Of 10 Weirdest People Who Are Actually Harmless Once You Get To Know Them #~# WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that it was important to always stay vigilant but not freak out about them or anything, the FBI released a list Tuesday of the 10 weirdest people who are actually harmless once you get to know them. “After countless hours of surveillance and research, we have determined that the following people are the most off-putting freaks in America but if you see them, you ultimately have nothing to worry about,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, adding that while each individual had extensive histories of saying odd phrases, pacing, or dressing in crazy outfits, they ultimately wouldn’t hurt anyone. “We’d like to reiterate that the top wackadoos on this list definitely freaked us out at first, with their odd hairdos, the big books they were always reading, and the fact that many of them would randomly skip down the street and sing a song. But in the end, we determined they were absolutely not a danger to anyone, and were actually pretty friendly. You maybe just don’t want to engage with them for too long.” At press time, Wray announced that the FBI had assassinated the highest ranking weird guy after he put on a funky hat and started walking towards a nice suburban neighborhood.

Report: We Can Tell You’ve Been Clicking On Other Websites #~# CHICAGO—In a comprehensive and damning assessment of where your good-for-nothing ass has been since the last time we saw you, a new report published Tuesday said that we can tell you’ve been clicking on other websites again.

Zelensky Requests U.S. Tank Autographed By Shaquille O’Neal #~# KYIV, UKRAINE—Pointing out that every armored vehicles they have received to date lacked signatures of basketball greats, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky requested Tuesday that the United States government send a tank autographed by Shaquille O’Neal. “While we appreciate the many Javelin anti-aircraft systems and artillery, none of them were signed by one of the best NBA centers of all time, the Big Shamrock himself,” said Zelensky, explaining that he and the rest of the nation were huge fans and an M1 Abrams tank with a signature in big letters across the vehicle’s side skirt or turret from the four-time NBA champion would really help the war effort and boost morale of the Ukrainian people. “We all grew up watching The Diesel and if we had a tank signed by Shaq, who dominated the court for 19 years, it would inspire us to dominate the Russians on the battlefield. Also, if the signed tank could also be transported in an acrylic protective case, that would be great.” At press time, Zelensky had posted the one-of-a-kind Shaquille O’Neal-signed tank on eBay.

Scientists Discover New Core At Center Of Earth #~# Researchers have confirmed the existence of a distinct structure inside our planet’s inner core, saying the newly discovered “innermost inner core” is a solid ball of iron and nickel about 800 miles wide that could help inform the evolution of Earth’s magnetic field. What do you think?

Conservatives Explain Why They Support ‘National Divorce’ Of Red, Blue States #~# Far-right congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) recently made headlines when she advocated for a “national divorce” of red and blue states. The Onion asked conservatives why they support secession, and this is what they said.

Bud Selig Admits Taking Steroids Throughout Commissionership #~# MILWAUKEE, WI—Reflecting on the aspects of his tenure as the top executive of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig on Tuesday reportedly admitted to taking steroids throughout his commissionership. “Sure, I did some performance-enhancing drugs, but you have to understand, that’s just how things were done back in the day,” said Selig, adding that he took anabolic steroids, as well as human growth hormone in order to gain an edge over the other MLB front-office executives. “Show me a commissioner who didn’t take steroids in the ’90s. It’s out of necessity, really—there are over 2,000 games in the season, and if you’re going to be able to oversee all of them at a high level, you’re going to need a little boost. And while I’m not trying to promote steroids, it’s worth noting that many of my greatest accomplishments, like interleague play and giving the All-Star Game winners home-field advantage in the World Series, might not have happened without a little bit of something extra. I certainly don’t think it should be disqualifying for me to have made the Hall of Fame.” Selig also defended taking steroids by noting that drug use among commissioners had been common across MLB history, including Bowie Kuhn, who reportedly used amphetamines during his tenure in the 1970s and early ’80s, and Kenesaw Mountain Landis, who consumed copious amounts of cocaine and alcohol during the 1920s.

Penguin To Publish ‘Classic’ Roald Dahl Books After Censorship Backlash #~# Publisher Penguin Random House announced it will release a new collection of Roald Dahl’s children’s novels in their original form after it received criticism for cuts and rewrites removing language that may be offensive to some modern-day readers. What do you think?

Cheap Nation Falling Apart #~# WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of incidents that called the country’s infrastructure quality into question, multiple sources reportedly confirmed on Monday that the cheap nation is falling apart. “Pretty much everything in this country is coming apart at the seams,” said Tempe, AZ security guard Sean McGovney, noting that no one should have really expected a nation of such shoddy construction to last as long as one built with care. “You just worry that the whole thing is going to collapse at any time, and it’s no wonder, given the flimsiness of the scaffolding. Anyone who’s built a nation before will tell you that if you’re going to take shortcuts up front, you’re going to pay for them down the road. Plus, the whole thing’s filled with toxic chemicals. You can see where they tried to patch up some of the flaws, too, but it’s such shoddy workmanship that it actually ends up bringing more attention to it. Honestly, I think there’s something wrong with the foundation. You might as well just tear it down and start over.” Multiple sources also expressed concerns that not taking a proactive route to fix the cheaply built nation could end up with someone getting really hurt.

Dalai Lama Worried There’s Nothing More To Life Than Feeling Deep Connection With All Existence #~# MCLEOD GANJ, INDIA—Letting out a sigh as he buried his head in his hands, the Dalai Lama reportedly was worried Monday that there was nothing more to life than feeling a deep connection with all existence. “Wait, so all there is to life is experiencing the full profundity of the interconnectedness of all things to each other, and that’s it?” said His Holiness, who grew increasingly panicked after realizing his entire time on this Earth would just be spent embodying the ultimate truth that there is no self and that all things are unified in their infinite potentiality. “So I’m just supposed to keep living day to day knowing that I contain all of the universe and the universe contains all of me? Fuck. And I have infinite lifetimes of this transcendence? Ugh, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” At press time, the Dalai Lama reportedly attempted to distract himself by buying a PS5.

Mattel Confirms That Animated Version Of Barney Still Has Man Inside #~# EL SEGUNDO, CA—In an effort to stay as faithful to the original character as possible, Mattel confirmed Monday that the animated Barney in their upcoming reboot would still have a man inside. “Although this cartoon version of Barney might look different than the Barney of your childhoods, Barney the big purple dinosaur will always, always have a rude, middle-aged alcoholic operating him at all times,” said Mattel CEO Ynon Kreiz, adding that while this Barney may have bigger eyes, a more contoured face, and shinier teeth, the disheveled and deeply flawed man within the dinosaur would still swear, chain smoke, and occasionally urinate all over himself. “Barney might have left TV for a few years, but the man inside him is still here and in many ways, he’s sicker and more disgusting than ever. We’re so excited for the next generation of kids to watch the man take off Barney’s head, vomit, and then begin disrobing to have sex with a prostitute. It just wouldn’t be Barney without him.” At press time, Mattel announced that the show had been put on hold indefinitely after a graphic episode where the man inside Barney overdosed on drugs, lit a fire inside his costume, and was viciously beaten by a violent debt collector.

Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight #~# WASHINGTON—Sighing as he gave in to the demands of all 330 million Americans, President Joe Biden announced Monday that the nation could stay up until 9:30 p.m. just this once. “But then it’s straight off to bed, no complaining,” said the commander in chief, informing the U.S. populace that, should they choose to stay up past their normal bedtime of 8:45, it would mean forgoing a bedtime story and going directly to lights out. “You can watch one episode of Gilmore Girls and eat one Oreo each, okay? But don’t get used to this. And you have to promise me that no one’s going to wake up in the middle of the night and ask to come sleep with me again. If you’re a nation that’s grown up enough to stay up late, you can certainly sleep in your own beds.” At press time, Biden was heard screaming at the nation that it’s 10:15, that he doesn’t care what time Canada goes to bed, and that as long as they’re living in this country, he gets to make the rules.

What Fox News Anchors Said Privately About Trump’s Election Lies #~# Even as Fox News anchors peddled lies about the 2020 election, newly revealed text messages reveal they privately mocked the 45th president and his false claims. According to the latest Dominion Voting Systems filing, here’s what Fox News anchors said about Donald Trump behind the scenes.

One In 8 Americans Over 50 Addicted To Highly Processed Foods #~# A new poll found that one in eight adults between the ages of 50 and 80 reported signs of addiction to highly processed foods, with symptoms including intense cravings, inability to cut down intake despite a desire to do so, and signs of withdrawal. What do you think?

Problematic Friend Argues That Kanye Makes Some Good Points About Shoes #~# CHICAGO—Causing everyone in the conversation to feel awkward about his concerning statements, sources confirmed Monday that their problematic friend began arguing that controversial rapper and designer Kanye West actually made some good points about shoes. “All I’m saying is some of the things he’s been saying about shoes aren’t entirely inaccurate,” said Lance Harris, explaining that Ye is simply being silenced for fighting back against the dominant forces that control footwear. “People are blowing what he’s saying out of proportion; he’s just got revolutionary ideas on sneakers that most just aren’t ready for. Don’t you think it’s a little suspicious how much money goes to them? Some people just aren’t ready to accept the truth about shoes.” At press time, Harris had reportedly gone off the deep end by claiming the shoes will replace us.

Week In Review: February 26, 2023 #~# It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible

Man Has To Admit Air Fryer That Burned Down House Did Pretty Good Job On Tater Tots #~# TACOMA, WA—Claiming the defective unit was a game changer, local man Ralph Keizer had to admit Friday that the air fryer that burned down his house did a good job on tater tots. “Aside from bursting into flames and turning my home into an inferno, I gotta say, this air fryer did an absolutely amazing job on these tots,” said Keizer, snacking on his perfectly cooked tater tots amidst the charred rubble of his former home. “They’re both perfectly crispy and fluffy. What more could you ask for, other than to still have my house? And it uses so little oil, which is good because all mine was lost in the fire.” At press time, Keizer added that his family who burned to death in the fire would have loved the tater tots.

Survey Finds Americans Have $21 Billion In Unspent Gift Cards #~# A new survey found that 47% of Americans have one unused gift card, voucher, or store credit, totaling $21 billion nationwide, with the average person having $175 in such unused funds. What do you think?

War-Weary Americans Not Sure How Much Longer They Can Occasionally Glance At Headlines About Ukraine #~# WASHINGTON—Worn down and weakened by the one-year anniversary of the war’s media coverage, a weary U.S. populace confirmed Friday they were not sure how much longer they could occasionally glance at headlines about Ukraine. “Scrolling by all those pictures of crying children and bombed cities—I just don’t know if I have it in me anymore,” said sales executive John Hollencamp, echoing the dismay of millions of individuals across the country who feared they no longer had the resolve to read a full headline about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, let alone click on a link to an article. “Every day, I find myself pining for my old life, those carefree days when I didn’t even give Ukraine a passing thought. I really didn’t know how good I had it. Sometimes I’ll stare at a photo of an amputee for two seconds, but that’s really all I have left within me. There’s only so much photojournalism one man can take.” At press time, Hollencamp added he was still holding out hope that war coverage would end soon.

Panicked ‘Cocaine Bear’ Producers Scrambling To Expand 4 Minutes Of Social Media Clips Into Actual Movie #~# HOLLYWOOD—Rushing to gather as much footage as they could piece together from what was already available on the internet, panicked producers of the film Cocaine Bear were scrambling Friday to expand four minutes of social media clips into an actual movie. “Shit, we didn’t think anyone was actually going to expect an entire feature film version of the six or seven clips that are on Twitter and Facebook,” said producer Elizabeth Banks, doing her best to remain composed as she used the same clip of the bear looking angry multiple times to create several more minutes of a final cut. “If I put all the scenes of the bear chasing Keri Russell and the other cast members in slow-mo, that will probably get us to about 15 or 20 minutes. Damn, I’m just going to have to loop the clip of the bear attacking that guy a bunch of times and hope nobody notices.” At press time, Banks was frantically putting the finishing touches on an extended 45-minute credits sequence for the film’s release this weekend.

Russia Suspends Only Remaining Major Nuclear Treaty With U.S. #~# Russian president Vladimir Putin has announced that he will be suspending the New START nuclear arms reduction treaty with the United States when it expires in 2026, imperiling the last remaining pact that regulates the world’s two largest nuclear arsenals. What do you think?

Nation Installs 2,000 Mile Long Privacy Curtain After Mexico Sees It Naked #~# U.S.-MEXICO BORDER—Emphasizing that the event had left citizens feeling embarrassed and exposed, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas announced Friday that the nation had installed a 2,000-mile-long privacy curtain after Mexico saw it naked. “Starting today, the entire U.S.-Mexico border will be covered in red drapes so that when America showers, there’s no way Mexico can see,” said Mayorkas, adding that the last time Mexico walked in on the U.S., they saw all 350 million Americans naked, covered in soap, feverishly screaming “get out” in unison. “While the United States remains rather embarrassed, they were luckily able to obscure their private parts before the nation of Mexico covered its eyes, shrieked ‘we’re sorry,’ and then ran away crying. We hope we can eventually move past this, so when the nations meet again, they won’t just blush and avoid eye contact.” At press time, the U.S. population had reportedly hopped in the shower, pulled back the privacy curtain, and asked all 129 million Mexican citizens if they liked what they saw.

Things No One Tells You About Being A Sperm Donor #~# Studies show that 100% of men are sperm donors, yet many donors aren’t familiar with all the intricacies of the process. Here are things that no one tells you about being a sperm donor.

Man Kicks Himself After Thinking Of Perfect Gun He Could Have Used To Win Argument #~# AUGUSTA, GA—Lamenting how painfully obvious it was in retrospect, local man Aaron Thompson told reporters Friday he was kicking himself after thinking of the perfect gun he could have used to win an argument. “God, I feel so dumb, I just stood there like an idiot when the perfect semiautomatic weapon was staring me in the face the whole time,” said Thompson, adding that he couldn’t stop replaying the dispute with his boss, each time imagining how much better it would have been if he had used an AR-15. “Just 30 seconds after I left the room, I knew exactly how I should have done it, and how I should have shot him dead right then and there. I practiced blowing his head off so many times in my head before we spoke, but in the end, I just choked. Ugh. I’m such a pussy.” At press time, Thompson was reportedly kicking himself after he called another meeting with his boss, gotten into an argument, and then messed it up again by shooting off his foot.

Bill Gates Ponders What He Could Have Accomplished If He Didn’t Waste Time Becoming Billionaire #~# MEDINA, WA—Calling everything he had done in his life and career up to this point in time “absolutely worthless,” Bill Gates told reporters Friday that he wondered what he could have accomplished if he didn’t waste time becoming a billionaire. “It’s sad to think about, but I ultimately could have done some truly amazing things with my life if I hadn’t spent every waking minute accumulating absolutely ungodly amounts of wealth,” said the Gates Foundation co-chair, adding that he had so many opportunities to do things like end world hunger and eradicate poverty, but instead he opted to piss his time away focusing on acquiring and hoarding over $118 billion. “With the kind of fortune I have, I know deep down that I easily could have ended climate change, promoted human rights, or provided meals to children starving to death both in the U.S. and abroad. The truth is, if I’d really wanted to, I could have made the world an amazing place for my kids to grow up in, but instead I went and spent all my time making computers, buying farmland, and being one of the top 10 richest people on the planet. Fucking pathetic.” At press time, Gates added that if he could do it all over again, he would focus less on the money and more on his family, friends, and the underage girls on Jeffrey Epstein’s island.