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561e7e12e88a65597bb56a8c | All I can do is cry and hate myself | I'm going through a majorly bad divorce and my wife is making things so impossible for me. I need help. | https://counselchat.com/questions/all-i-can-do-is-cry-and-hate-myself | Self-esteem,Relationship Dissolution | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Crying due to a dissolution of a marriage, is normal. </p><p>Hating yourself may be a sign of extreme sadness, feelings of loss and uncertainty.</p><p>Do you know why you hate yourself? </p><p>Discovering your reason is the first step in knowing the obstacles and then the additional steps possible, to move from "hate" to "self-love".</p><p>Divorce signals a loss of familiar life structure and daily routines. As with any meaningful loss, crying is part of mourning what is soon to be gone.</p><p>If you have confidence in your attorney's handling of the legal areas related to the divorce, and the "impossible" you reference is on facing and coming to terms with statements and behaviors from your wife that you never noticed before, then your best choice is to find a therapist whom you feel at ease in talking with, to sort through the emotional upheaval within yourself and your everyday life and world.</p><p>Divorce is a wonderful time for learning about ones own emotional needs and expectations in relationships since these are the areas currently coming apart.</p><p>The good news behind losing something that seems valuable, is that new space becomes open to attract what is more suitable for who you are.</p><p><br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> All I can do is cry and hate myself <</SYS>> I'm going through a majorly bad divorce and my wife is making things so impossible for me. I need help. [/INST] <p>Crying due to a dissolution of a marriage, is normal. </p><p>Hating yourself may be a sign of extreme sadness, feelings of loss and uncertainty.</p><p>Do you know why you hate yourself? </p><p>Discovering your reason is the first step in knowing the obstacles and then the additional steps possible, to move from "hate" to "self-love".</p><p>Divorce signals a loss of familiar life structure and daily routines. As with any meaningful loss, crying is part of mourning what is soon to be gone.</p><p>If you have confidence in your attorney's handling of the legal areas related to the divorce, and the "impossible" you reference is on facing and coming to terms with statements and behaviors from your wife that you never noticed before, then your best choice is to find a therapist whom you feel at ease in talking with, to sort through the emotional upheaval within yourself and your everyday life and world.</p><p>Divorce is a wonderful time for learning about ones own emotional needs and expectations in relationships since these are the areas currently coming apart.</p><p>The good news behind losing something that seems valuable, is that new space becomes open to attract what is more suitable for who you are.</p><p><br></p> </s> |
5798080cb43cd7825e26e250 | Why do I feel sad all the time? | I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-feel-sad-all-the-time | Family Conflict,Depression | Virginia Chow | https://counselchat.com/therapists/virginia-chow | <p>Hello,</p><p>While one can be sad from time to time, feeling sad "all the time" could be a sign of depression. If you feel sad on most days, it is worthwhile speaking to a psychologist to determine whether you suffer clinical depression. Feeling sadness is a normal response to loss, whether you lose a family, friend, job, or something you deem important in your life. However, feeling sadness all the time is a signal that you are not happy about something in your life. If it is related to your family and often relationship with family members could affect our self-esteem and self-worth, then perhaps it is worthwhile exploring what you find unhappy about your relationship with your family. Is it that you do not feel heard, supported or loved? Is it that you feel disrespected, disregarded or feel unimportant? These are just a few examples of common issues that people report that contribute to their depression. To help you to uncover your reasons for your sadness or depression and to cope with them in a healthier and more constructive way, it may be helpful to contact a therapist who could support you with this process. You do not have to deal with it alone. Dr. Virginia Chow, Montreal Psychologist. For more information about depression, please consult my website at <a href="www.PsychologyResource.ca" target="_blank">www.PsychologyResource.ca</a></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Why do I feel sad all the time? <</SYS>> I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow. [/INST] <p>Hello,</p><p>While one can be sad from time to time, feeling sad "all the time" could be a sign of depression. If you feel sad on most days, it is worthwhile speaking to a psychologist to determine whether you suffer clinical depression. Feeling sadness is a normal response to loss, whether you lose a family, friend, job, or something you deem important in your life. However, feeling sadness all the time is a signal that you are not happy about something in your life. If it is related to your family and often relationship with family members could affect our self-esteem and self-worth, then perhaps it is worthwhile exploring what you find unhappy about your relationship with your family. Is it that you do not feel heard, supported or loved? Is it that you feel disrespected, disregarded or feel unimportant? These are just a few examples of common issues that people report that contribute to their depression. To help you to uncover your reasons for your sadness or depression and to cope with them in a healthier and more constructive way, it may be helpful to contact a therapist who could support you with this process. You do not have to deal with it alone. Dr. Virginia Chow, Montreal Psychologist. For more information about depression, please consult my website at <a href="www.PsychologyResource.ca" target="_blank">www.PsychologyResource.ca</a></p> </s> |
57479644c792dd6c7063e457 | What should I do about not being sexually attracted to my girlfriend of five years? | Nothing we've tried has worked so far. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-about-not-being-sexually-attracted-to-my-girlfriend-of-five-years | Human Sexuality,Relationships,Intimacy | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Probably what you should do is decide whether you can continue having a romantic and sexual relationship with someone to whom you don't feel like having sex.</p><p>Five years is long enough to know that the way you feel toward your partner is more than likely going to remain this way.</p><p>Talk with your gf about your feelings because she may not wish to be in a relationship in which her partner is not sexually attracted to her.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> What should I do about not being sexually attracted to my girlfriend of five years? <</SYS>> Nothing we've tried has worked so far. [/INST] <p>Probably what you should do is decide whether you can continue having a romantic and sexual relationship with someone to whom you don't feel like having sex.</p><p>Five years is long enough to know that the way you feel toward your partner is more than likely going to remain this way.</p><p>Talk with your gf about your feelings because she may not wish to be in a relationship in which her partner is not sexually attracted to her.</p> </s> |
567a47fe32307d3353f8f98c | How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself? | I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-my-boyfriend-forgive-me-when-i-can-t-forgive-myself | Relationships,Self-esteem | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Cerritos,</p><p>This is an interesting twist because it's more common for the person in your position to want to move forward, and for the person who was wronged to struggle with forgiveness. You are lucky to have a loving, compassionate partner, and your boyfriend is lucky to have a partner who takes full responsibility for their actions. </p><p>My hunch is that you learned some things about yourself when you were younger that are playing a role here. Your sense of worthlessness seems out of proportion to the mistakes you made. You don't have to be perfect in order to deserve the love of a good man. You only have to have the maturity to recognise when you've hurt someone and work hard to make it better. Who in your life overreacted to small mistakes you made? Were you shamed as a child? Did you learn that you deserved to be punished? Did something bad happen that you thought was your fault? Is there a mistake you made long ago that you need forgiveness for? There is a younger person inside you waiting to be forgiven for something they weren't entirely responsible for. The bar is too high for you. If I was your therapist, I would work with you to find the source of the shame, and address that wound. </p><p>If you want to move forward and be with your boyfriend, your job will be to forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean "it was okay"; forgiving simply means that it happened, that you can't erase it, and that you don't want to carry it around or punish yourself for it anymore. </p><p>You have done many things here that you can feel proud of! You've 'come clean', you've been honest, you've taken responsibility for your actions, you've not tried to minimize what you did, and you've chosen to be more loyal and aware of how you impact your boyfriend. These are all things you can use to build your sense of worth. You are acting very honourably. It's time to put your past mistakes away on the shelf knowing that you've learned from them and are a better person now. It's not our mistakes...not our worst moments that define us...it's how we handle them afterwards.</p><p>I wish you growth and happiness.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can my boyfriend forgive me when I can't forgive myself? <</SYS>> I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about six years now. In the past, our relationship was difficult and frustrating. We argued a lot, and due to that, there was a lot of tension between us. We stayed together because we love each other and wanted to make it work. I used to party a lot, and several times I got into situations where I would end up kissing someone else. These situations were never more than just kissing. I have come clean about these situations with my boyfriend, and he decided to forgive and move forward with me. I love him so much and want to work things out too, but I'm having a difficult time understanding how he can forgive me. I can't seem to forgive myself. I'm overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and unworthiness. [/INST] <p>Hi Cerritos,</p><p>This is an interesting twist because it's more common for the person in your position to want to move forward, and for the person who was wronged to struggle with forgiveness. You are lucky to have a loving, compassionate partner, and your boyfriend is lucky to have a partner who takes full responsibility for their actions. </p><p>My hunch is that you learned some things about yourself when you were younger that are playing a role here. Your sense of worthlessness seems out of proportion to the mistakes you made. You don't have to be perfect in order to deserve the love of a good man. You only have to have the maturity to recognise when you've hurt someone and work hard to make it better. Who in your life overreacted to small mistakes you made? Were you shamed as a child? Did you learn that you deserved to be punished? Did something bad happen that you thought was your fault? Is there a mistake you made long ago that you need forgiveness for? There is a younger person inside you waiting to be forgiven for something they weren't entirely responsible for. The bar is too high for you. If I was your therapist, I would work with you to find the source of the shame, and address that wound. </p><p>If you want to move forward and be with your boyfriend, your job will be to forgive yourself. Forgiving doesn't mean "it was okay"; forgiving simply means that it happened, that you can't erase it, and that you don't want to carry it around or punish yourself for it anymore. </p><p>You have done many things here that you can feel proud of! You've 'come clean', you've been honest, you've taken responsibility for your actions, you've not tried to minimize what you did, and you've chosen to be more loyal and aware of how you impact your boyfriend. These are all things you can use to build your sense of worth. You are acting very honourably. It's time to put your past mistakes away on the shelf knowing that you've learned from them and are a better person now. It's not our mistakes...not our worst moments that define us...it's how we handle them afterwards.</p><p>I wish you growth and happiness.</p> </s> |
564a68335e8030c4305b310d | Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister? | I don’t love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but I’d rather be with my friends than be with her at all. It’s not just a "teenager phase." I still love my mom and dad, and I’m very close to them. However, it’s my sister I don’t love or have ever really liked at all. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-wrong-that-i-don-t-love-or-even-like-my-sister | Family Conflict | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship. </p><p>How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Is it wrong that I don't love or even like my sister? <</SYS>> I don’t love my sister. I would never wish her harm, but if I could, I would wish for us not to be related. Is this cruel? Why must blood mean we have to be friends? Am I being unreasonable and is there a way to fix this? I do care about her, like I do every human being, but I’d rather be with my friends than be with her at all. It’s not just a "teenager phase." I still love my mom and dad, and I’m very close to them. However, it’s my sister I don’t love or have ever really liked at all. [/INST] <p>Hi. My guess is there's a lot of deep history here that I don't know about. Have you felt hurt by your sister in the past, or are you just 'different people'? It's a common feeling people have about siblings; that they're very different and they wouldn't choose them as friends, but most people stay connected to family unless there's a good reason not to. We don't choose our family, do we? Your feelings are normal and they don't make you cruel. If you were mean to her, that might be a different thing. It might be considered cruel to cut her out of your life for no reason, but choosing to not hang out with her a lot isn't cruel, in my mind. Perhaps you at least owe your sister kindness and respect (if she respects you), but not necessarily friendship. </p><p>How you respond here is up to you; there are no rules. You get to decide how much 'family' means to you and how much time you spend with friends or family. This may shift at different times in your life though. Cutting all ties with a sister now (you haven't said you want that though) might mean she won't want to be there for you in the future when you need her. Also, how you treat your sister affects your other family members as well. There are many things to consider here, but the bottom line is that you get to surround yourself with the people you want in your life.</p> </s> |
579c2689188cd61c1684e817 | How can I deal with my depression? | I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone.
How can I deal with depression without telling anyone? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-deal-with-my-depression-2 | Depression | Kim Hollingdale | https://counselchat.com/therapists/kim-hollingdale | <p>It can be really tough to tell someone - anyone - that you're feeling depressed. But finding that supportive person that you can share with is a big part of the battle with depression. Depression thrives on being secret, it seems to grow the more we isolate ourselves and hide it away so I'm with Laura Cassidy, when she suggests finding that professional support person so you can start fighting back against your depression. If that feels like too big a step right now, maybe check out a book or two... I'm a big fan of a book called 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns if you want some practical thoughts on tackling depression and on 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach if you prefer something a little more spiritual.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I deal with my depression? <</SYS>> I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone.
How can I deal with depression without telling anyone? [/INST] <p>It can be really tough to tell someone - anyone - that you're feeling depressed. But finding that supportive person that you can share with is a big part of the battle with depression. Depression thrives on being secret, it seems to grow the more we isolate ourselves and hide it away so I'm with Laura Cassidy, when she suggests finding that professional support person so you can start fighting back against your depression. If that feels like too big a step right now, maybe check out a book or two... I'm a big fan of a book called 'Feeling Good' by Dr. David Burns if you want some practical thoughts on tackling depression and on 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach if you prefer something a little more spiritual.</p> </s> |
559ad930277cbf7c0d482130 | How do I get over a slump? | I don't know what's wrong with me. At times I can be really happy, excited, I'll talk fast, and I want to do things. But lately I've been staying up way later and sleeping too much. I don't hang out with friends, I don't really have them. I feel nothing, worthless. I want to do nothing, I have no interest in anything.
All I usually do is stay in my room. I want to be happy, I want to be nice. What's wrong with me? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-over-a-slump | Depression | Danielle Alvarez | https://counselchat.com/therapists/danielle-alvarez | <p>I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling as if you're in a slump. First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Many people report similar symptoms. Have you ever talked with a physician regarding your symptoms? Two extreme emotions such as feeling extremely happy and then feeling extremely low for a length of time may indicate a mood disorder. I think it would be best to talk with your doctor or a therapist to help pinpoint the issue causing them.</p><p>It's possible that it could just be certain stressors in your life that are causing the two extremities but you definitely want to rule out any mental health issues. If it is in fact mental health related there are many medications or therapy choices that can help. </p><p>Thanks for reaching out! I hope that you will feel back on track soon!</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I get over a slump? <</SYS>> I don't know what's wrong with me. At times I can be really happy, excited, I'll talk fast, and I want to do things. But lately I've been staying up way later and sleeping too much. I don't hang out with friends, I don't really have them. I feel nothing, worthless. I want to do nothing, I have no interest in anything.
All I usually do is stay in my room. I want to be happy, I want to be nice. What's wrong with me? [/INST] <p>I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling as if you're in a slump. First of all, nothing is wrong with you. Many people report similar symptoms. Have you ever talked with a physician regarding your symptoms? Two extreme emotions such as feeling extremely happy and then feeling extremely low for a length of time may indicate a mood disorder. I think it would be best to talk with your doctor or a therapist to help pinpoint the issue causing them.</p><p>It's possible that it could just be certain stressors in your life that are causing the two extremities but you definitely want to rule out any mental health issues. If it is in fact mental health related there are many medications or therapy choices that can help. </p><p>Thanks for reaching out! I hope that you will feel back on track soon!</p> </s> |
579a92a0188cd61c1684e807 | How can I keep a long distance relationship going? | We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-keep-a-long-distance-relationship-going | Relationships,Military Issues | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.</p><p>All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.</p><p>To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will. The military may add stress.</p><p>This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.</p><p>Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I keep a long distance relationship going? <</SYS>> We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going? [/INST] <p>You're wise to be aware of possible changes to your relationship once your bf is away from you for extended time periods.</p><p>All you both can do is state your intentions and wishes, keep in contact as much as possible, and wait to see how your relationship unfolds.</p><p>To a large degree, each of you is relying on faith that if the relationship is meant to last for a while, then it will. The military may add stress.</p><p>This doesn't necessarily mean the stress will dissolve the relationship.</p><p>Sometimes all anyone is able to do, is try.</p> </s> |
566cb30c9f3a71de09b3c156 | I have an old roommate who might be a psychopath. | I was “mentored” by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-an-old-roommate-who-might-be-a-psychopath | Social Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>You may intuitively be sensing what many professionals in the social sciences and psychology have already understood.</p><p>Just Google "psychopaths and leadership" and many articles come up about boardroom politics and that psychopaths are very successful in these roles.</p><p>Theoretically, is it terrible that corporate leadership qualities match those of psychopaths? </p><p>Well, yes. </p><p>And, I consider your question as a mark of your sensitive awareness toward other people. Being able to recognize social dynamics, is a strength that you have.</p><p>Psychopaths know how to be charming and to twist words so that others believe that their own interest is the same as the psychopath's.</p><p>I agree with you about not being able to change people's minds who are attached to this person's interactions.</p><p>The only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity, and you have evidence of this, that you contact relevant authorities.</p><p>No one is allowed to break laws, including psychopaths.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I have an old roommate who might be a psychopath. <</SYS>> I was “mentored” by this guy for a few years spiritually. It was okay at times, but other times, it was just weird. I try not to think about it too much, but a lot of manipulation and lying happened, yet no one else really believed me when I told them. It's like he's two different people, and no one else really sees that side of him. I was blamed for a lot of our troubles, and now we don't really talk much. I'm worried because he's in a trusted position of leadership and no one suspects anything. They just think I'm attacking his character. How do I know for sure? [/INST] <p>You may intuitively be sensing what many professionals in the social sciences and psychology have already understood.</p><p>Just Google "psychopaths and leadership" and many articles come up about boardroom politics and that psychopaths are very successful in these roles.</p><p>Theoretically, is it terrible that corporate leadership qualities match those of psychopaths? </p><p>Well, yes. </p><p>And, I consider your question as a mark of your sensitive awareness toward other people. Being able to recognize social dynamics, is a strength that you have.</p><p>Psychopaths know how to be charming and to twist words so that others believe that their own interest is the same as the psychopath's.</p><p>I agree with you about not being able to change people's minds who are attached to this person's interactions.</p><p>The only way you can introduce a change in the relationship system of a psychopath is that if you are aware of illegal or law breaking activity, and you have evidence of this, that you contact relevant authorities.</p><p>No one is allowed to break laws, including psychopaths.</p> </s> |
575a489ec792dd6c7063e790 | How can I get over my fear of accidental pregnancy to have sex again? | I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-over-my-fear-of-accidental-pregnancy-to-have-sex-again | Anxiety,Human Sexuality,Intimacy,Relationships | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>I would suggest possibly talking with a physician about all the different types of protection. They may be able to help you to know about all of the options that are available.</p><p>It sounds like your partner is open to understanding your concerns. Perhaps until you have the chance to speak with someone about the effectiveness of different contraception and forms of protection, are either of you open to other forms of engaging in sexual intimacy (without penetration, but with use of vibrators, toys designed for sexual interactions, etc.)?</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I get over my fear of accidental pregnancy to have sex again? <</SYS>> I am so terrified of having sex anymore because I have been told over and over that sex is dangerous even though me and my partner used both forms of protection. My partner is not happy about this and simply wants more sex, and honestly, I want to give that to her. [/INST] <p>I would suggest possibly talking with a physician about all the different types of protection. They may be able to help you to know about all of the options that are available.</p><p>It sounds like your partner is open to understanding your concerns. Perhaps until you have the chance to speak with someone about the effectiveness of different contraception and forms of protection, are either of you open to other forms of engaging in sexual intimacy (without penetration, but with use of vibrators, toys designed for sexual interactions, etc.)?</p> </s> |
5571f074a03de6c365f45c0e | How can I control my sexual urges? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-control-my-sexual-urges | Human Sexuality | Kristi King-Morgan, LMSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/kristi-king-morgan-lmsw | <p>Anything can become an addiction. Eating, gambling, shopping, sex, even exercising. It sounds like this has become a behavioral addiction for you. A therapist can help you identify the underlying reasons and help you learn to control the urges and develop healthier coping skills. </p><p>People turn to an activity that makes them feel better when something is bothering them emotionally or mentally. Anything can become a problem if you overuse it. This is why it is important to have a healthy balance of activities in your life; more than one thing that you can turn to in order to help you cope. Addictions are formed when we turn to the same thing over and over again. Sex is a very powerful addiction for some people. It makes us feel good. We get pleasure from it. </p><p>I had a client that turned to eating as her “addiction.” The advice I gave her applies to your situation as well. Eating is something that we have to do and that an addict cannot “cold turkey” and walk away from. My client could not tell when she felt the urge to eat if it was because she was hungry or because she was upset about something and was subconsciously turning to food to make her feel better. Her body was telling her brain that she needed to eat. I asked her to first STOP and THINK when she felt the urge to eat. Look at the clock and mark the time. Tell herself that in one hour if she was still hungry then she could eat, but that she needed to find something else to occupy her mind and her time until the hour had passed. She tried this for a week.</p><p>She said it worked. She would get busy reading a book, watching TV, or would go for a walk around her neighborhood for exercise and these activities would take her mind off things and the hour would pass and she wouldn’t even notice the time. What this did for her was stop an unhealthy behavior and replace it with some healthier activities. She had to learn to first recognize when she was feeling the urge, and then to come up with other activities to do instead. </p><p>You can do this with your urges. Having sexual gratification as your one “go to” method to cope is causing you distress. Make a list of other activities that you like and that you can engage in, and when you feel the sexual urge, make yourself do another activity for an hour to get your mind off of it. It may take a few tries to find an activity that will hold your attention. A habit that has developed over time is not going to be so easy to break.</p><p>Please go to a medical doctor and get evaluated as well. They can do lab work and check your hormone levels. If needed, medication can help. After being cleared medically, counseling can help you. You stated that you have a disability that makes it impossible. A therapist can help you explore the feelings that you are experiencing due to the inability to have sex. This is a grief/loss issue in the same way that someone who had lost the ability to walk might be grieving over his mobility. Something that you used to be able to do, now you cannot. It is expected that you might have some feelings of anger or sadness about this. </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I control my sexual urges? <</SYS>> None [/INST] <p>Anything can become an addiction. Eating, gambling, shopping, sex, even exercising. It sounds like this has become a behavioral addiction for you. A therapist can help you identify the underlying reasons and help you learn to control the urges and develop healthier coping skills. </p><p>People turn to an activity that makes them feel better when something is bothering them emotionally or mentally. Anything can become a problem if you overuse it. This is why it is important to have a healthy balance of activities in your life; more than one thing that you can turn to in order to help you cope. Addictions are formed when we turn to the same thing over and over again. Sex is a very powerful addiction for some people. It makes us feel good. We get pleasure from it. </p><p>I had a client that turned to eating as her “addiction.” The advice I gave her applies to your situation as well. Eating is something that we have to do and that an addict cannot “cold turkey” and walk away from. My client could not tell when she felt the urge to eat if it was because she was hungry or because she was upset about something and was subconsciously turning to food to make her feel better. Her body was telling her brain that she needed to eat. I asked her to first STOP and THINK when she felt the urge to eat. Look at the clock and mark the time. Tell herself that in one hour if she was still hungry then she could eat, but that she needed to find something else to occupy her mind and her time until the hour had passed. She tried this for a week.</p><p>She said it worked. She would get busy reading a book, watching TV, or would go for a walk around her neighborhood for exercise and these activities would take her mind off things and the hour would pass and she wouldn’t even notice the time. What this did for her was stop an unhealthy behavior and replace it with some healthier activities. She had to learn to first recognize when she was feeling the urge, and then to come up with other activities to do instead. </p><p>You can do this with your urges. Having sexual gratification as your one “go to” method to cope is causing you distress. Make a list of other activities that you like and that you can engage in, and when you feel the sexual urge, make yourself do another activity for an hour to get your mind off of it. It may take a few tries to find an activity that will hold your attention. A habit that has developed over time is not going to be so easy to break.</p><p>Please go to a medical doctor and get evaluated as well. They can do lab work and check your hormone levels. If needed, medication can help. After being cleared medically, counseling can help you. You stated that you have a disability that makes it impossible. A therapist can help you explore the feelings that you are experiencing due to the inability to have sex. This is a grief/loss issue in the same way that someone who had lost the ability to walk might be grieving over his mobility. Something that you used to be able to do, now you cannot. It is expected that you might have some feelings of anger or sadness about this. </p> </s> |
56e8750bfde92aa3233dc5b5 | Why am I so mad? | My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-so-mad | Anger Management | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.</p><p>Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.</p><p>Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.</p><p>Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations. </p><p>Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.</p><p>If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Why am I so mad? <</SYS>> My issue isn't resisting angry urges; it's the anger itself. My rage is extreme and vastly disproportionate to the direct stressor. It causes violent thoughts, but I never act. I stay lucid enough to know the rage is violent, not me. I don't want to drown myself in anger and resentment. [/INST] <p>Knowing how you feel and also being able to stabilize yourself to act upon the tremendous anger you feel, are fine qualities.</p><p>Anger, whatever the magnitude, generally reflects emotional pain that has not yet been placed into words.</p><p>Try thinking over your growing up years because maybe you will discover certain repeated dynamics which upset you and that no one helped you feel secure through such times.</p><p>Also, if either of your parents drank too much and raged when they were drunk, you may be repeating their patterns of how to respond to situations. </p><p>Even without drinking, the response patterns of yelling and throwing things are frightening enough to leave a permanent memory.</p><p>If this describes part of your childhood, then it is possible you are becoming angry because it was the only emotion that either of your parents was able to express.</p> </s> |
56c6a741c44fbb6527482418 | How do I cope with losing a child? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-cope-with-losing-a-child | Grief and Loss,Trauma | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | <p>As you already know, there is no easy answer. Over time, I think we learn to live with the pain from such a loss, but it never goes away. I would encourage you to seek out a grief support group or a therapist who specializes in grief and loss.</p><p>I will just add that one thing that you can do is to create something meaningful from this profound experience. This might mean connecting with others who are mourning, or creating beautiful in your child's memory. Of course, the best ideas will come from you.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I cope with losing a child? <</SYS>> None [/INST] <p>As you already know, there is no easy answer. Over time, I think we learn to live with the pain from such a loss, but it never goes away. I would encourage you to seek out a grief support group or a therapist who specializes in grief and loss.</p><p>I will just add that one thing that you can do is to create something meaningful from this profound experience. This might mean connecting with others who are mourning, or creating beautiful in your child's memory. Of course, the best ideas will come from you.</p> </s> |
57393a564eb3dd523a6db444 | What should I do about my stress before track meets? | I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry. | https://counselchat.com/questions/what-should-i-do-about-my-stress-before-track-meets | Anxiety | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Does anyone notice that you get sick and cry on track meet days?</p><p>Have you told anyone?</p><p>From what you write, as much as you would like to please your school and dad, something within you doesn't quite want to fully follow through.</p><p>Step one in life always is to know what you want and what your limits are. It already is difficult to avoid listening to your body.</p><p>Try understanding what is difficult in telling your father that you'd like doing as he wishes, only are not able to do so because you are emotionally and physically distraught on the days you have track.</p><p>After finishing the season for this year with your school's track team, then expect to concentrate on taking care of your own need to not do track.</p><p>Hopefully your father will understand and care about your problem. If he does not and track is more important than your well being, then you have a different problem entirely.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> What should I do about my stress before track meets? <</SYS>> I am on the track and softball team. My school is small, so I play all four sports it offers. I feel obligated to do track because I'm not a horrible runner, and my dad wants me to. The catch is is that the days before a track meet and the morning of, I get sick and cry. [/INST] <p>Does anyone notice that you get sick and cry on track meet days?</p><p>Have you told anyone?</p><p>From what you write, as much as you would like to please your school and dad, something within you doesn't quite want to fully follow through.</p><p>Step one in life always is to know what you want and what your limits are. It already is difficult to avoid listening to your body.</p><p>Try understanding what is difficult in telling your father that you'd like doing as he wishes, only are not able to do so because you are emotionally and physically distraught on the days you have track.</p><p>After finishing the season for this year with your school's track team, then expect to concentrate on taking care of your own need to not do track.</p><p>Hopefully your father will understand and care about your problem. If he does not and track is more important than your well being, then you have a different problem entirely.</p> </s> |
5733c765aaeea25a1918b670 | Why do I feel so lonely when I have friends and attention? | I live a normal life. I have tons of friends and family, but I feel lonely. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-do-i-feel-so-lonely-when-i-have-friends-and-attention | Depression | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>This may be happening because you and the others are not connected to each other on a level which reaches your emotions.</p><p>Loneliness may show the absence of feeling a variety of emotions when you are among others.</p><p>How many friends you have doesn't affect whether you and someone else feel emotionally engaged with one another.</p><p>Consider if you feel like concentrating your friendship on more intensively sharing your feelings with a few of your friends.</p><p>This may lead to fewer friends who are also more meaningful to you and your feeling a decrease of loneliness.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Why do I feel so lonely when I have friends and attention? <</SYS>> I live a normal life. I have tons of friends and family, but I feel lonely. [/INST] <p>This may be happening because you and the others are not connected to each other on a level which reaches your emotions.</p><p>Loneliness may show the absence of feeling a variety of emotions when you are among others.</p><p>How many friends you have doesn't affect whether you and someone else feel emotionally engaged with one another.</p><p>Consider if you feel like concentrating your friendship on more intensively sharing your feelings with a few of your friends.</p><p>This may lead to fewer friends who are also more meaningful to you and your feeling a decrease of loneliness.</p> </s> |
586ea98c152ba8625f40045b | How do I get my husband to listen to me? | I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me.
How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-my-husband-to-listen-to-me | Relationships,Marriage | Catherine Hodge | https://counselchat.com/therapists/catherine-hodge | <p>Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I get my husband to listen to me? <</SYS>> I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me.
How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time? [/INST] <p>Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!</p> </s> |
5776119072f4321a37b641c4 | Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? | My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-screaming-and-cussing-at-your-child-considered-emotional-abuse | Legal & Regulatory,Parenting,Family Conflict | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse.</span></p><p>The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you.</p><p>If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad.</p><p>I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Is screaming and cussing at your child considered emotional abuse? <</SYS>> My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? [/INST] <p>I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this.</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">It's a little difficult to answer your question because the laws that define child abuse are different from state to state. But usually, things like what you describe your dad is doing are not considered to be child abuse.</span></p><p>The more important thing is how you feel about what is going on. It sounds like this is really bothering you.</p><p>If you don't think you can talk to your dad about how you feel, you might want to try talking to another adult you trust (like a family member or teacher). They may be able to help you figure out some ways to communicate with your dad.</p><p>I think you might feel better if you can talk to someone about how your are feeling.</p> </s> |
570008d738d8448168a85d94 | Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away? | My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-okay-if-i-take-my-friend-s-pills-away | Social Relationships,Substance Abuse | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her.</p><p>Unless your friend feels like stopping pills, taking them away will mean she finds them some place else.</p><p>The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted.</p><p>Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life.</p><p>Her problem is bigger than your ability to care.</p><p>If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills.</p><p>This is not a guarantee that she'll stop.</p><p>It isa way of you showing that you care about her.</p><p>Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her.</p><p>Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you.</p><p>Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself. Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Is it okay if I take my friend's pills away? <</SYS>> My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications. [/INST] <p>Your good intentions to help your friend stay clean, are very caring about her.</p><p>Unless your friend feels like stopping pills, taking them away will mean she finds them some place else.</p><p>The problem that anyone who is addicted to pills has, is that the person is psychologically and at least with xanax, physically addicted.</p><p>Taking pills has basically become a standard part of your friend's life.</p><p>Her problem is bigger than your ability to care.</p><p>If you haven't already done so, tell your friend directly about your opinion on the way she is using pills.</p><p>This is not a guarantee that she'll stop.</p><p>It isa way of you showing that you care about her.</p><p>Offering love and advice are the only things you can do for her.</p><p>Meanwhile, knowing she is hurting herself is probably hurting you.</p><p>Be sure to keep a sense of balance within yourself. Offer your concern and know she is the one who must decide to stop using.</p> </s> |
5717c0c66720004c63d52934 | How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out? | My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-my-mother-to-listen-to-me-without-her-freaking-out | Family Conflict | Traci Lowenthal | https://counselchat.com/therapists/traci-lowenthal-2 | <p>Could you tell her ? What would happen if you said "Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you." </p><p><br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out? <</SYS>> My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health. [/INST] <p>Could you tell her ? What would happen if you said "Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you." </p><p><br></p> </s> |
579aad97188cd61c1684e80a | How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting? | We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-ask-my-boyfriend-about-who-he-s-texting | Relationships | Elizabeth Anderson | https://counselchat.com/therapists/elizabeth-anderson-3 | <p>I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting? <</SYS>> We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. [/INST] <p>I think honesty is the right approach in this situation. Share with him that you looked at his phone, as well as sharing with him any fears or concerns that you're having about the long distance relationship. Trust is the foundation of any successful relationship and when doubt & distrust creep into a relationship it can undermine the long term health of the relationship. Hopefully, he will understand your concerns and appreciate your honesty. This also might be a good time to seek couples counseling to work on relationship & communication skills.</p> </s> |
56bd6cfa4e568f192e1bfb8a | I have voices in my head. | They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-voices-in-my-head | Behavioral Change,Depression | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are.</p><p>if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem.</p><p>Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having.</p><p>"Crazy" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not.</p><p>Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem.</p><p>Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors. </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I have voices in my head. <</SYS>> They don't go away, and I feel like I'm going crazy. Does that ever stop? Can it be a symptom of medication? [/INST] <p>Since you realize that hearing voices in your head is not usual for you, then definitely there is a problematic situation happening within your awareness of who you are.</p><p>if you recently started taking a new drug or increased dosage of one you already were taking, and the voices started shortly after, then yes, it is possible medication created your problem.</p><p>Start by telling whoever gave you the presecription, about the problem you're having.</p><p>"Crazy" has some flexibility as to whether someone is this way or not.</p><p>Certainly a very positive sign that you're not crazy, is that you're self-aware of a problem within yourself. And, you're responsible toward yourself and making effort to address this problem.</p><p>Crazy people usually don't do responsible behaviors. </p> </s> |
56934c385e05170e0472da66 | How can I be less afraid of rape? | Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-less-afraid-of-rape | Anxiety | Lola Georg | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lola-georg | <p>Why are you afraid of rape? Because it is a problem in the United States! The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports that one in five women (0r 20%) will be raped (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf) and that 80% of women know their assailant. Given these statistics, it is perfectly logical to be afraid. However, there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape, such as being aware of your surroundings, and limiting the use of drugs or alcohol.</p><p>The Enhanced Access, Knowledge, Act program for college-aged women has been shown to reduce the risk of rape by more than 50%. (http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/factsheet/eaaa-enhanced-assess-acknowledge-act-sexual-assault-resistance-education) You may want to see if a program like this is available in your area. </p><p>Another great app for when you need to walk somewhere alone, is the Companion App (http://www.companionapp.io). Friends or family can track your progress from one point to another via the GPS in your phone.</p><p>In addition, talking with a counselor about your fears would also be a good idea. Sometimes fears are rational and reasonable. Sometimes they are over-reactions and unreasonable. When then are over-reactions and unreasonable, they can have a negative impact on your life. In this case, a counselor could help you understand why your fears are unreasonable, and how you can stop them from negatively impacting your life. </p><p><br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I be less afraid of rape? <</SYS>> Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand. [/INST] <p>Why are you afraid of rape? Because it is a problem in the United States! The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports that one in five women (0r 20%) will be raped (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf) and that 80% of women know their assailant. Given these statistics, it is perfectly logical to be afraid. However, there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape, such as being aware of your surroundings, and limiting the use of drugs or alcohol.</p><p>The Enhanced Access, Knowledge, Act program for college-aged women has been shown to reduce the risk of rape by more than 50%. (http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/factsheet/eaaa-enhanced-assess-acknowledge-act-sexual-assault-resistance-education) You may want to see if a program like this is available in your area. </p><p>Another great app for when you need to walk somewhere alone, is the Companion App (http://www.companionapp.io). Friends or family can track your progress from one point to another via the GPS in your phone.</p><p>In addition, talking with a counselor about your fears would also be a good idea. Sometimes fears are rational and reasonable. Sometimes they are over-reactions and unreasonable. When then are over-reactions and unreasonable, they can have a negative impact on your life. In this case, a counselor could help you understand why your fears are unreasonable, and how you can stop them from negatively impacting your life. </p><p><br></p> </s> |
566e53459f3a71de09b3c195 | I feel like I'm going to get fired because I cried at work. | I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-like-i-m-going-to-get-fired-because-i-cried-at-work | Workplace Relationships,Career Counseling | Daniel Kelley-Petersen | https://counselchat.com/therapists/daniel-kelley-petersen | <p>Getting your first job is an exciting, terrifying, and challenging experience. It is something you will remember for a long time and it shapes how you begin to think about yourself as a worker. You are literally "learning as you go" in this completely new environment. You are going to make mistakes. You are not going to get it right the first time. It can be even more challenging if you are having a difficult time building relationships that are supportive at work. A couple of things to remember here: 1) You are there to do a job and you are getting paid to do it, 2) There is a reason or reasons for you wanting to be there and do that work, 3) you know best what you need in order to be successful. These three items can be helpful to remember, especially when we feel our emotions are taking over in a place where we do not feel safe to express them fully. If you feel like your supervisor is approachable, meaning someone you could talk to because they express confidence in you, let them know you are nervous about doing a good job. Also let them know how you learn new tasks, information, or expectations so they can deliver the message in a way that you understand. Becoming a successful worker doesn't happen overnight, but each day you can identify what works for you and what doesn't by communicating with your work team, the easier it will be for you. We all had a first job once, and were all worried about doing well. Hang in there, and call a counselor if you need more help.<br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I feel like I'm going to get fired because I cried at work. <</SYS>> I'm a teenager, and I just got my first job. I am a month and a half in. Yesterday, my boss pushed me to the point where I had to go to the restroom and cry. She didn't see me, and I'm glad, but when I went to talk to her about it today, I let a tear or two come out. I hate it. I feel like they're not going to keep me anymore. [/INST] <p>Getting your first job is an exciting, terrifying, and challenging experience. It is something you will remember for a long time and it shapes how you begin to think about yourself as a worker. You are literally "learning as you go" in this completely new environment. You are going to make mistakes. You are not going to get it right the first time. It can be even more challenging if you are having a difficult time building relationships that are supportive at work. A couple of things to remember here: 1) You are there to do a job and you are getting paid to do it, 2) There is a reason or reasons for you wanting to be there and do that work, 3) you know best what you need in order to be successful. These three items can be helpful to remember, especially when we feel our emotions are taking over in a place where we do not feel safe to express them fully. If you feel like your supervisor is approachable, meaning someone you could talk to because they express confidence in you, let them know you are nervous about doing a good job. Also let them know how you learn new tasks, information, or expectations so they can deliver the message in a way that you understand. Becoming a successful worker doesn't happen overnight, but each day you can identify what works for you and what doesn't by communicating with your work team, the easier it will be for you. We all had a first job once, and were all worried about doing well. Hang in there, and call a counselor if you need more help.<br></p> </s> |
566a82089f3a71de09b3c117 | Why am I so nervous talking to people? | Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such. | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-am-i-so-nervous-talking-to-people | Self-esteem,Social Relationships | Sarah McIntyre | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sarah-mcintyre | I want to add that one way therapy can help with social anxiety is to give you a corrective experience. Each week, you sit across from someone who genuinely cares about you, who doesn't judge you, and who you can voice your concerns to. Over time, you show them more and more of yourself, and as they get to know you, they still care about you, they still don't judge you, and they still think you are amazing. Find a therapist you connect with. | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Why am I so nervous talking to people? <</SYS>> Whether it's to a guy or girl, I always feel insecure talking, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself and not being good enough. Even when I am walking, I worry about my appearance and facial expression and such. [/INST] I want to add that one way therapy can help with social anxiety is to give you a corrective experience. Each week, you sit across from someone who genuinely cares about you, who doesn't judge you, and who you can voice your concerns to. Over time, you show them more and more of yourself, and as they get to know you, they still care about you, they still don't judge you, and they still think you are amazing. Find a therapist you connect with. </s> |
56ffc843fa722cdf047f2957 | Is it time to end my relationship with my boyfriend for good? | He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-time-to-end-my-relationship-with-my-boyfriend-for-good | Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>From what you write, you're not too happy with how your boyfriend treats you and how he handles his own life.</p><p>What keeps you feeling connected to him in positive ways?</p><p>If you're truly not happy most of the time in this relationship, then you're at the time of asking why you'd want to remain in a relationship which is draining.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Is it time to end my relationship with my boyfriend for good? <</SYS>> He isn't violent, but he has anger issues and deep insecurities. He's working on them and has improved. We started counseling, and he participated in one or two individual sessions, but we broke up again shortly thereafter. Now his constant questions and accusations are getting really draining. [/INST] <p>From what you write, you're not too happy with how your boyfriend treats you and how he handles his own life.</p><p>What keeps you feeling connected to him in positive ways?</p><p>If you're truly not happy most of the time in this relationship, then you're at the time of asking why you'd want to remain in a relationship which is draining.</p> </s> |
5620426ce3be3a3128a82804 | My fiancé cheated. How can we mend our relationship? | I'm in a relationship with my fiancé and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice? | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-fianc-cheated-how-can-we-mend-our-relationship | Relationships | Tiffany Nicholas | https://counselchat.com/therapists/tiffany-nicholas | <p>Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> My fiancé cheated. How can we mend our relationship? <</SYS>> I'm in a relationship with my fiancé and I currently found out that she's been cheating on me with a co-worker. I was very upset none the less. I understand what she did was wrong, but I want to spend the rest of my life with her. So I'm willing to forgive and move on. We have been together for a little over 9 years, and we have a son. At the beginning of our relationship, I was unfaithful and she caught me cheating. She forgave me for what I've done to her and since then I been completely faithful. I'm worried about our relationship and want to move forward but its been very unsettling. All I can think about is her with another man. I don't know what to do or where to go for advice? [/INST] <p>Hello, I know this is a tough situation your going through and it has you questioning everything but one thing is certain, and that is that you still love her, dealing with the hurt can be very challenging but after learning from your mistake you changed and became more faithful and loving and the comfort knowing she forgave you, is what made you love her more and less likely to hurt her once again. You live and you learn, she will soon realize her mistake and her outtake may be the same yours was. But marriage is a special bond in front of God, which means once you are officially married, cheating and lieing to eachother will only lead to an early divorce. Practice in your pre-marriage state with speaking to her and opening up to eachother about what you feel and what you look forward to in this marriage. It's possible she's seeking something from someone else because she is not receiving it in her own relationship, improve, grow and be strong. Learn from your mistakes</p> </s> |
5733fec6aaeea25a1918b682 | How can I stop worrying much? | I have a bad habit of thinking and worrying about what others may think of me. I really want to stop it and enjoy things. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-stop-worrying-much | Anxiety | Daniel Kelley-Petersen | https://counselchat.com/therapists/daniel-kelley-petersen | <p>Thinking about what others think of us is a natural tendency. Human beings are social creatures and rely on feedback from the outside world of people, places, and things to let us know more about ourselves. We also have an inner voice, dialogue, conscience, etc. that helps us to determine the path for us. Often, when someone is worried about the external feedback, and focuses on this as the sole source of information, it can create a dependency that can become problematic. Balance is key to so many things in life. Your own voice is powerful and has strength to provide you the enjoyment you seek. Don't discount it and rely only on the voices of others.<br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I stop worrying much? <</SYS>> I have a bad habit of thinking and worrying about what others may think of me. I really want to stop it and enjoy things. [/INST] <p>Thinking about what others think of us is a natural tendency. Human beings are social creatures and rely on feedback from the outside world of people, places, and things to let us know more about ourselves. We also have an inner voice, dialogue, conscience, etc. that helps us to determine the path for us. Often, when someone is worried about the external feedback, and focuses on this as the sole source of information, it can create a dependency that can become problematic. Balance is key to so many things in life. Your own voice is powerful and has strength to provide you the enjoyment you seek. Don't discount it and rely only on the voices of others.<br></p> </s> |
57310529aaeea25a1918b5de | How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn? | I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-deal-with-a-lack-of-intimacy-and-partner-s-addiction-to-solo-sex-and-porn | Intimacy,Relationships,Human Sexuality | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>There is a lot of information out there right now about how porn is harmful...to a person's brain chemistry, to a relationship and one's ability to love, and to how men see women and sex in general. Your partner demonstrates a clear disregard for your needs. There is evidence, as you suggest, that there is addiction here. I recommend seeing a therapist who can help you sort out where to go from here. </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I deal with a lack of intimacy and partner's addiction to solo sex and porn? <</SYS>> I believe my partner has a masturbation and porn problem. He masturbates daily, even when I am lying in bed sleeping beside him. We have sex once a week. He is rough and worries about his needs. He never touches me, and treats me like a porn star, wanting to finish on my face or chest. [/INST] <p>There is a lot of information out there right now about how porn is harmful...to a person's brain chemistry, to a relationship and one's ability to love, and to how men see women and sex in general. Your partner demonstrates a clear disregard for your needs. There is evidence, as you suggest, that there is addiction here. I recommend seeing a therapist who can help you sort out where to go from here. </p> </s> |
56f5f9e9b814e1ce46371912 | How can I get over my depression and grief? | My dad passed away when I was a teenager. I never got any help, and five years later, I feel like I can't handle it anymore. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-over-my-depression-and-grief | Grief and Loss,Depression | Sonya Wilson | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson | <p>It's never to late to get help with grief. Get help as soon as possible before you are feeling the same way 5 years from now. You will always miss your Dad but getting help with coping with his loss will make life easier to live. <br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I get over my depression and grief? <</SYS>> My dad passed away when I was a teenager. I never got any help, and five years later, I feel like I can't handle it anymore. [/INST] <p>It's never to late to get help with grief. Get help as soon as possible before you are feeling the same way 5 years from now. You will always miss your Dad but getting help with coping with his loss will make life easier to live. <br></p> </s> |
57688bd4008fce8e73e1ebc1 | How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex? | My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-have-a-better-sex-life-when-i-don-t-like-sex | Human Sexuality,Intimacy,Marriage | Miriam Dyak | https://counselchat.com/therapists/miriam-dyak | <p>It's encouraging that you say you want "to be better connected with [your] husband," and since he hasn't left you, he must care about you and the relationship more than he does about just having sex. You don't say whether he complains or not, but even if he doesn't it seems there's a sense of something important missing for both of you.<br><br><span style="font-style: italic;">Most likely to connect better with him physically you'll need to become better connected with yourself and your body.</span> Men often feel fulfilled by sex simply because it happened - the woman they want received them, allowed them to make love with her. For women that can sometimes be more complicated. A woman who loves sex most likely also loves her body, knows what pleasures her, and feels confident asking for what she wants. Self-pleasuring can be a way for you to discover more about your sexuality, and a classic resource is Betty Dodson's book <span style="font-style: italic;">Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving.</span> A good counselor or sex therapist can be very helpful with your whole relationship as well as the sexual part of it, but not all counselors are comfortable working with sexual issues. Shop around and be sure you find someone who can help you and your husband get better connected on all levels.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I have a better sex life when I don't like sex? <</SYS>> My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband. [/INST] <p>It's encouraging that you say you want "to be better connected with [your] husband," and since he hasn't left you, he must care about you and the relationship more than he does about just having sex. You don't say whether he complains or not, but even if he doesn't it seems there's a sense of something important missing for both of you.<br><br><span style="font-style: italic;">Most likely to connect better with him physically you'll need to become better connected with yourself and your body.</span> Men often feel fulfilled by sex simply because it happened - the woman they want received them, allowed them to make love with her. For women that can sometimes be more complicated. A woman who loves sex most likely also loves her body, knows what pleasures her, and feels confident asking for what she wants. Self-pleasuring can be a way for you to discover more about your sexuality, and a classic resource is Betty Dodson's book <span style="font-style: italic;">Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving.</span> A good counselor or sex therapist can be very helpful with your whole relationship as well as the sexual part of it, but not all counselors are comfortable working with sexual issues. Shop around and be sure you find someone who can help you and your husband get better connected on all levels.</p> </s> |
56a2167620fd22722a536080 | How do I tell my parents that I'm depressed and need help? | I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (I’m a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-tell-my-parents-that-i-m-depressed-and-need-help | Family Conflict,Depression | Sonya Wilson | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson | <p>Don't think that you can't afford the help you need on your own. There are several counselors that see people on a sliding scale that can be as low as $5 (based on your income). Find a center that is non-profit, they have great counselors as well. </p><p>It sounds like you know what you are experiencing and know that you need someone to talk to, someone that is willing to listen. Your parents may not understand what your are feeling right now and that is not totally abnormal.</p><p>I would encourage you to seek help immediately so you can live the best live you can...which is not being depressed. <br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I tell my parents that I'm depressed and need help? <</SYS>> I'm depressed. I have been for years. I hide it from everyone because I'm scared of the reactions I'll get. Last time I tried telling my parents, it was a huge argument about me being too young to be depressed (I’m a legal adult), calling me ungrateful, and telling me that if I can't handle things now, it's only going to get worse in the future (which is turning out to be true). It's exhausting pretending to be okay, and I don't know how much longer I can try. I'm just really tired, and sadly, I can't afford the help I need on my own. [/INST] <p>Don't think that you can't afford the help you need on your own. There are several counselors that see people on a sliding scale that can be as low as $5 (based on your income). Find a center that is non-profit, they have great counselors as well. </p><p>It sounds like you know what you are experiencing and know that you need someone to talk to, someone that is willing to listen. Your parents may not understand what your are feeling right now and that is not totally abnormal.</p><p>I would encourage you to seek help immediately so you can live the best live you can...which is not being depressed. <br></p> </s> |
5723fbebf90871f676cf46f9 | I feel guilty about my fathers death | I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-guilty-about-my-fathers-death | Grief and Loss,Family Conflict | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? "I feel guilty about my father's death", and "I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad." Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that. </p><p>I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him. </p><p>No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself "It's okay that I had to take care of myself too."... "I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about".</p><p>Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel "good enough" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. :)</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I feel guilty about my fathers death <</SYS>> I spent my whole life taking care of my dad, but left because of his verbally abusive behavior. I was the only one that helped with his health issues. I feel if I hadn't left he might still be alive. I need help dealing with my grief and guilty conscience. [/INST] <p>I see such a sharp contrast between your question and your first sentence. Do you see it? "I feel guilty about my father's death", and "I spent my WHOLE LIFE taking care of my dad." Wow. After everyone else had left him to his misery, you hung in there. He is so lucky to have had you there. You didn't have to do that. </p><p>I have a hunch that your dad blamed you for a lot of things. Abusive people do that a lot; they make you believe things are your fault when they're not. You did the opposite of what you fear you did. You didn't contribute to your dad's death; your selfless care gave him a longer life...better health. In the end, no one's love and care could save him. </p><p>No one could fault you for deciding you had had enough at some point. I would never expect anyone to keep putting themselves in a hurting place over and over again. But this is what you did. You did it for him, and you did it so you wouldn't feel guilty. But you feel guilty anyway, right?...so putting yourself in that position was only worth it if you allow your loving acts to melt away the guilt. Can you tell yourself "It's okay that I had to take care of myself too."... "I gave up a lot for my dad; I have nothing to feel guilty about".</p><p>Putting yourself last for your dad was a loving thing to do. And... my hope is that you can also find different ways to help yourself feel "good enough" in this world, and a balance between caring for others and caring for yourself. :)</p> </s> |
5705a5d8a9eb92e0426472bb | Is it normal for my mom to get mad easily? | It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-it-normal-for-my-mom-to-get-mad-easily | Family Conflict | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her "stuff".</p><p>Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of "dealing with it". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say "I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff", or "I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed", or even "I don't like the way you talk to me". Good luck!</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Is it normal for my mom to get mad easily? <</SYS>> It happens especially at me and my sister, and then she gets emotional and brings up the past. How should I deal with it? She is always stressed about her work and doesn't put her family first. [/INST] <p>You are very wise for a young person. You have already figured out that other people's behaviours...how they treat you...it's not about you...it's about them. I love that you don't blame yourself for your mom's behaviours. It's not your fault. She's getting upset because she doesn't know how to manage her emotions, and these emotions have to do with her past and her present stress. You're just the trigger. Yes, this is normal, but it's not necessary. She can find another way to manage her "stuff".</p><p>Unfortunately, you can't help your mom a whole lot or even help her recognize this. But for yourself... remembering that her behaviours are her issue is the biggest piece of "dealing with it". You can always try some new strategies when you talk to mom...you can say "I'll listen you better if you don't bring up past stuff", or "I'm worried about you mom. You seem stressed", or even "I don't like the way you talk to me". Good luck!</p> </s> |
5668f7b98e6cb9fb4f71a447 | My wife is cheating and won’t tell me the truth. | I found out today that my wife is cheating on me. I love her, but she won’t tell the truth even when I have proof. When I beg her to tell the truth, she yells, cusses, and gets a huge attitude. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-is-cheating-and-won-t-tell-me-the-truth | Marriage | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Prattville, </p><p>I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question. </p><p>If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say "I need answers to all my questions". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness.</p><p>If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door. </p><p>Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say "I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth." Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well. </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> My wife is cheating and won’t tell me the truth. <</SYS>> I found out today that my wife is cheating on me. I love her, but she won’t tell the truth even when I have proof. When I beg her to tell the truth, she yells, cusses, and gets a huge attitude. [/INST] <p>Hi Prattville, </p><p>I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need support right now, and yes, you need answers. She is in denial and is trying to hide the truth, to protect herself. This is a natural behaviour. You don't indicate whether she wants the marriage, or is planning to leave. Which way you go from here depends in part on the answer to that question. </p><p>If she wants the marriage, you certainly have the right to say "I need answers to all my questions". Giving you the information she needs has to be (if she wants the marriage) more important than protecting herself. I would support your right to advocate for all the information you need in order to feel secure or make decisions. She may fear that the truth will turn you away. If you want to, you can reassure her that you want the marriage no matter what the truth is. If the marriage is to survive, it needs openness.</p><p>If, on the other hand, she's planning to end the marriage, then you might want to resign yourself to the fact that you may never get the information you seek. You are better off, in that case, seeking support from friends and family rather than beating on a closed door. </p><p>Your wife has some decisions to make. Try to give her a bit of time to make them. You can patiently say "I know this thing is happening. Talk to me so we can deal with it together. I want to move forward but I need the truth." Only time (and a good therapist, if she is willing and wants the marriage) will tell which way this one will go. Individually, you can seek professional help as well. </p> </s> |
570f17f8158c725435c30670 | How can I get therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder without any money or insurance? | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-get-therapy-for-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-without-any-money-or-insurance | Trauma | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>You may have some options for low-cost or free counseling.</p><p>1) There may be free counseling services available in you area. You could try an Internet search for "free counseling" + the name of your community. In addition, in many communities your can dial 211 for access to information about many free services.</p><p>2) if you are a military veteran you maybe eligible for free counseling through the VA, the Vet Center, or the Soldiers Project. You can get more information here:</p><p>http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/vamentalhealthgroup.asp</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">https://www.thesoldiersproject.org</span></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I get therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder without any money or insurance? <</SYS>> None [/INST] <p>You may have some options for low-cost or free counseling.</p><p>1) There may be free counseling services available in you area. You could try an Internet search for "free counseling" + the name of your community. In addition, in many communities your can dial 211 for access to information about many free services.</p><p>2) if you are a military veteran you maybe eligible for free counseling through the VA, the Vet Center, or the Soldiers Project. You can get more information here:</p><p>http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/vamentalhealthgroup.asp</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">http://www.vetcenter.va.gov/</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">https://www.thesoldiersproject.org</span></p> </s> |
5566f94fa64752d71ec3ca64 | I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop? | I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-addicted-to-smoking-how-can-i-stop | Substance Abuse,Addiction | Rebecca Duellman | https://counselchat.com/therapists/rebecca-duellman | <p>Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.</p><p>For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.</p><p>You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it ("Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now."), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.</p><p>I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.</p><p>Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby!</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I'm addicted to smoking. How can I stop? <</SYS>> I'm planning to have baby, so I have to quit smoking - but it's hard. Sometimes it's not a physical need, it's mental.
I cannot help myself from thinking about smoking. What can I do to get rid of this addiction? [/INST] <p>Hi. Good for you in planning ahead to do what's healthiest for your baby (and yourself). That's a great first step! It's also good that you are able to identify that it's not always a physical need that's driving the addiction.</p><p>For the next steps, I would suggest trying to figure out when the psychological cravings for a cigarette occur. The psychological (or mental) cravings are usually based out of habit, such as having a cigarette after a meal. And if you're consciously trying to quit, you'll find the craving starts with simply thinking about having a cigarette, then usually moves on to thinking about how good it made you feel, etc., etc. Well, if I'm on a diet and I continue to let myself think about the ice cream sitting in the freezer, eventually I'll give in and eat it.</p><p>You're going to have thoughts about smoking a cigarette. That's normal and, for the most part, out of your control. But you choose whether or not to CONTINUE thinking and dwelling about it after that initial thought. That's what you would have to work on changing. When you have that initial thought, acknowledge it ("Ok, I kind of want a cigarette now."), but then change the thoughts that typically follow. Distract yourself, think about something else, do something else, whatever it takes to get your mind off of that cigarette.</p><p>I've suggested to clients before that they should plan these scenarios out ahead of time so they already know what they're going to do when the time comes. Write down when you usually have the craving for a cigarette and then write down new thoughts or things to do to get your mind off of it. Eventually, it will become easier and easier to brush off that initial thought until you no longer have it.</p><p>Best of luck, and you have a really great motivator to quit - your baby!</p> </s> |
56f65ae2b814e1ce46371916 | Is my husband having a midlife crisis? | My husband told me last year he never loved me and should have never married me. He's been talking about divorce, but he hasn't filed. Now he has a girlfriend and he abandoned me and his kids. He has no financial help, and he has been out of the home for four months. He became very angry and mean. He says it's all my fault, and that we're not compatible. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-my-husband-having-a-midlife-crisis | Marriage,Relationship Dissolution ,Behavioral Change | Sonya Wilson | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sonya-wilson | It's hard to say that it is a midlife crisis stage.. could be... but so much more seems to be going on or have been going on to say with confidence that it is not much more. <br> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Is my husband having a midlife crisis? <</SYS>> My husband told me last year he never loved me and should have never married me. He's been talking about divorce, but he hasn't filed. Now he has a girlfriend and he abandoned me and his kids. He has no financial help, and he has been out of the home for four months. He became very angry and mean. He says it's all my fault, and that we're not compatible. [/INST] It's hard to say that it is a midlife crisis stage.. could be... but so much more seems to be going on or have been going on to say with confidence that it is not much more. <br> </s> |
567fad01a377e46d7ebe2beb | I'm worried that I will be single forever. | I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal.
Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-worried-that-i-will-be-single-forever | Relationships,Self-esteem,Anxiety | Nat Roman | https://counselchat.com/therapists/nat-roman-toronto | I think that every person who has been single for any extended period of time has felt the same worries - myself included. Since relationships are so important to us we fear not having them and being single. It is similar to fearing that we won't ever get a good job when we have been out of work for awhile or fearing that we won't be healthy when we have been sick. We fear these things because they are so important - not because these fears are realistic or true! <div><br></div><div>There is immense pressure put on young single people from peers and media to conform to ideas of what is normal and to meet expectations in terms of sexual experience, dating, etc. While some people may judge an adult who is a virgin - others will respect your choices and feel even more attracted to you because of your choices. Experimenting with sex, so long as you are being safe and respectful is also completely okay and normal. </div><div><br></div><div>Since expectations vary and we can't be happy if we are always comparing ourselves to other people, we need to ultimately trust that being who we are and building a loving relationship with ourselves is the key to meeting someone who will cherish us for all the ways that we are special and unique, virgin or not. When we are able to really accept ourselves and trust in our loveableness (not a real word but you get what I mean!) then meeting someone special is simply a matter of time and effort - putting ourselves out in the world in situations where we are likely to meet other single people looking for relationships. </div><div><br></div><div>When you are most <a href="http://www.coupletherapytoronto.com/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy-resources/articles/hope-in-the-midst-of-hopelessness">afraid of being alone </a>- remember that this fear is simply a reminder of how much you value relationships. Use that passion about wanting relationships to build the best relationship you can with yourself and then one day soon some lucky person will stumble into your life and benefit immensely from your passion and your ability to be authentically who you are rather than pretending to be "normal" or whatever that is anyway. Hope this helps! </div> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I'm worried that I will be single forever. <</SYS>> I have lately been having lots of anxiety and self-loathing about the fact that I am a young adult virgin girl who has never had a boyfriend before. It seems like everyone my age has already had boyfriends by now or are not virgins anymore, and I just had my first kiss five months ago. I’m worried that, at this rate, I won’t have a boyfriend for a very long time. The problem is that I want to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend who cares about me, but at the same time, I don't want to be waiting forever in order to experience sex. I have already given in to bad temptations by hooking up with random strangers on social media sites and having oral sex with them. Luckily, they were nice guys, but none of them wanted a relationship with me. I feel dirty by doing this, but I feel pressured to do this things in order to seem normal.
Most people are surprised when they find out that I am a virgin or never had a boyfriend because people think I am really good looking. I am tall, I play lots of sports, and I get excellent grades in school. I am in my first year of university right now, and no guys have approached me to go out on a date or showed any interest. It bothers me. Most of the people in my family have been in relationships at my age already. I feel like I will be single forever sometimes. [/INST] I think that every person who has been single for any extended period of time has felt the same worries - myself included. Since relationships are so important to us we fear not having them and being single. It is similar to fearing that we won't ever get a good job when we have been out of work for awhile or fearing that we won't be healthy when we have been sick. We fear these things because they are so important - not because these fears are realistic or true! <div><br></div><div>There is immense pressure put on young single people from peers and media to conform to ideas of what is normal and to meet expectations in terms of sexual experience, dating, etc. While some people may judge an adult who is a virgin - others will respect your choices and feel even more attracted to you because of your choices. Experimenting with sex, so long as you are being safe and respectful is also completely okay and normal. </div><div><br></div><div>Since expectations vary and we can't be happy if we are always comparing ourselves to other people, we need to ultimately trust that being who we are and building a loving relationship with ourselves is the key to meeting someone who will cherish us for all the ways that we are special and unique, virgin or not. When we are able to really accept ourselves and trust in our loveableness (not a real word but you get what I mean!) then meeting someone special is simply a matter of time and effort - putting ourselves out in the world in situations where we are likely to meet other single people looking for relationships. </div><div><br></div><div>When you are most <a href="http://www.coupletherapytoronto.com/therapy-counselling-psychotherapy-resources/articles/hope-in-the-midst-of-hopelessness">afraid of being alone </a>- remember that this fear is simply a reminder of how much you value relationships. Use that passion about wanting relationships to build the best relationship you can with yourself and then one day soon some lucky person will stumble into your life and benefit immensely from your passion and your ability to be authentically who you are rather than pretending to be "normal" or whatever that is anyway. Hope this helps! </div> </s> |
55d336dd35a79f036cc8caf8 | I had an affair almost two decades ago. Recently found out it resulted in a child | I am married to a beautiful lady. I love my wife with all my heart. We have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We also have 3 grandchildren.
Now this event is tearing us apart. I want our family to be together and happy. It was a mistake from so long ago. My wife wants to leave and I don't want that to happen I love her so much. Please help me save my marriage. Even my 3 boys want us to work it out. They love us both and want our family together. Please give me some advice or hope. Sincerely heart broken. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-had-an-affair-almost-two-decades-ago-recently-found-out-it-resulted-in-a-child | Family Conflict,Marriage | Rebecca Wong | https://counselchat.com/therapists/rebecca-wong | <p>If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process. </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I had an affair almost two decades ago. Recently found out it resulted in a child <</SYS>> I am married to a beautiful lady. I love my wife with all my heart. We have 3 boys and I have a daughter from a previous marriage. We also have 3 grandchildren.
Now this event is tearing us apart. I want our family to be together and happy. It was a mistake from so long ago. My wife wants to leave and I don't want that to happen I love her so much. Please help me save my marriage. Even my 3 boys want us to work it out. They love us both and want our family together. Please give me some advice or hope. Sincerely heart broken. [/INST] <p>If your wife is willing, seek out a qualified couples therapist! Look for one trained in the Gottman Method or Emotionally Focused Therapy. Your relationship is repairable, but you may need some qualified support in the process. </p> </s> |
558054e2a29507431fcd9eba | Can our marriage still be saved? | In 2008 my former husband of 14 years walked away from my life and we've been separated ever since. We have always been together sexually and both have experienced sleeping with others. I stopped because I wanted my marriage to work out but he did not. If he stops sleeping with other women, can our marriage be saved? Or should we just part ways? I still care deeply about him after all that I did and he has done. But he is seeing someone else on and off for years now. Will our marriage still be saved if he decides that he wants to try to do so? | https://counselchat.com/questions/can-our-marriage-still-be-saved | Relationship Dissolution ,Marriage | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship. </p><p>There is definite value in being clear as you are, about your own emotional investment in your husband and that you expect sexual exclusivity from him as part of the foundation of your marriage.</p><p>Also positive is your awareness that only your husband is the one who must similarly decide his own standards of being sexually exclusive to you, or not.</p><p>Whether your marriage can be saved depends on what each person is willing to accept about the other one.</p><p>Is sleeping with other women the only criterion of what will satisfy you about being together with your husband?</p><p>Love and care are not enough to make a marriage work. </p><p>Partners need to be able to compromise and cooperate with each other. </p><p>That you care for him definitely intensifies any emotion you feel toward your husband. It intensifies any frustration and sadness about the relationship too.</p><p>Decide how much emotional sadness and hurt you're willing to tolerate and the reason you're willing to do so.</p><p>From what you write, you are being very generous of yourself and not being reciprocated for this.</p><p>If your husband doesn't start taking steps toward satisfying your wishes, this may be your time to question your own generosity in waiting for him to do so.</p><p><br></p><p><br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Can our marriage still be saved? <</SYS>> In 2008 my former husband of 14 years walked away from my life and we've been separated ever since. We have always been together sexually and both have experienced sleeping with others. I stopped because I wanted my marriage to work out but he did not. If he stops sleeping with other women, can our marriage be saved? Or should we just part ways? I still care deeply about him after all that I did and he has done. But he is seeing someone else on and off for years now. Will our marriage still be saved if he decides that he wants to try to do so? [/INST] <p>Sorry to hear about the stress in your relationship. </p><p>There is definite value in being clear as you are, about your own emotional investment in your husband and that you expect sexual exclusivity from him as part of the foundation of your marriage.</p><p>Also positive is your awareness that only your husband is the one who must similarly decide his own standards of being sexually exclusive to you, or not.</p><p>Whether your marriage can be saved depends on what each person is willing to accept about the other one.</p><p>Is sleeping with other women the only criterion of what will satisfy you about being together with your husband?</p><p>Love and care are not enough to make a marriage work. </p><p>Partners need to be able to compromise and cooperate with each other. </p><p>That you care for him definitely intensifies any emotion you feel toward your husband. It intensifies any frustration and sadness about the relationship too.</p><p>Decide how much emotional sadness and hurt you're willing to tolerate and the reason you're willing to do so.</p><p>From what you write, you are being very generous of yourself and not being reciprocated for this.</p><p>If your husband doesn't start taking steps toward satisfying your wishes, this may be your time to question your own generosity in waiting for him to do so.</p><p><br></p><p><br></p> </s> |
55eee2ad21fbadd9096d0c3a | I'm transgender. I want help and I need help. | null | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-transgender-i-want-help-and-i-need-help | LGBTQ | Traci Lowenthal | https://counselchat.com/therapists/traci-lowenthal-2 | <p>Where do you live? Can you see a therapist? This would be my recommendation. Exploring these feelings would likely help you feel more comfort and have a safe place to talk. </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I'm transgender. I want help and I need help. <</SYS>> None [/INST] <p>Where do you live? Can you see a therapist? This would be my recommendation. Exploring these feelings would likely help you feel more comfort and have a safe place to talk. </p> </s> |
56da4f7f693bd2fc2c9cfbac | How do I cope with bad thoughts? | People have been calling me names, and I have had enough of it. I cannot stand it anymore I'm done. I have told someone this, and that is why I am writing this. The thoughts are awful. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-cope-with-bad-thoughts | Depression | Ben Braaksma | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ben-braaksma | <p>It's sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and are feeling very criticized by others as well. I think it is great that you are reaching out and I can tell that you want this to change. Working with a competent therapist may be a good option for getting some more clarity about what is going on, developing ways to cope, and eventually getting relief from these overwhelming experiences.<br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I cope with bad thoughts? <</SYS>> People have been calling me names, and I have had enough of it. I cannot stand it anymore I'm done. I have told someone this, and that is why I am writing this. The thoughts are awful. [/INST] <p>It's sounds like you are feeling pretty overwhelmed with intrusive thoughts and are feeling very criticized by others as well. I think it is great that you are reaching out and I can tell that you want this to change. Working with a competent therapist may be a good option for getting some more clarity about what is going on, developing ways to cope, and eventually getting relief from these overwhelming experiences.<br></p> </s> |
5696bf3547d3646166253664 | How can I avoid having past traumatic experiences affect my present and future? | I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-avoid-having-past-traumatic-experiences-affect-my-present-and-future | Trauma,Family Conflict | Laura Salinas | https://counselchat.com/therapists/laura-salinas | <p>In general, our past is always somewhat alive and does inform our present experiences. All past experiences, both positive and negative are what have brought you where you are today, physically and emotionally. </p><p>That being said, your father's behavior does not have to define you or your future. You have power over your life and your future. By learning more about yourself, you can learn to incorporate your past into your present life, without being defined by past traumas. </p><p>The best way to grow and learn how to do this is to talk with someone about your experiences. By talking about your past and present struggles with a trusted confidante or helping professional you will hopefully learn how to be at peace with your past. </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I avoid having past traumatic experiences affect my present and future? <</SYS>> I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater. [/INST] <p>In general, our past is always somewhat alive and does inform our present experiences. All past experiences, both positive and negative are what have brought you where you are today, physically and emotionally. </p><p>That being said, your father's behavior does not have to define you or your future. You have power over your life and your future. By learning more about yourself, you can learn to incorporate your past into your present life, without being defined by past traumas. </p><p>The best way to grow and learn how to do this is to talk with someone about your experiences. By talking about your past and present struggles with a trusted confidante or helping professional you will hopefully learn how to be at peace with your past. </p> </s> |
5579df8da9732755160c6a7f | I'm going through depression right now and my relationship is suffering | I've been married for 3 years and I have two kids. During my 3-years married, my husband cheated on me twice. The second time really got to me and at my lowest I hurt him back. We aren't communicating as well as I would like. What do I do? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-m-going-through-depression-right-now-and-my-relationship-is-suffering | Depression,Marriage | Keisha Helms | https://counselchat.com/therapists/keisha-helms | <p>Hi there. Thank you reaching out for help. It takes a lot of courage for someone that is being abused to reach out for help. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way that I can. </p><p>First and foremost, you did not mention whether or not you had children yourself by this man. I’m going to assume there are. So, the most important thing right at this moment is asking yourself, if you and your children are safe? Is the boyfriend currently living in the home or is he coming and going? If he is coming and going or currently living in the home, my suggestion for you to is to pack a bag for you and your children and go somewhere safe (i.e. family members home, friend or a shelter temporarily). I cannot stress this enough. Although, some people tend to minimize their abusers behavior (i.e. they only do it when they are drinking, they only do it when they are mad), it’s those individuals that find themselves or their children in a serious situation. So, you can never take abuse (physical or mental) lightly because you never know what is going through that persons mind at that particular time. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. </p><p>Secondly, it will not be safe, helpful or productive to attempt to talk to the abuser about your relationship. Abusers often times try and manipulate you into staying by apologizing or attempting to justify their behaviors. This is the time you would want to go see a magistrate in order to get a protective order for you and your children.</p><p>It’s unfortunate that your significant other was involved with another women causing pregnancy; however, that is no longer your concern. Your concern at this point is keeping yourself and your children safe. I would also suggest counseling for you and your children in order to work through these issues. I hope this was helpful and please stay safe and take care of yourself. </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I'm going through depression right now and my relationship is suffering <</SYS>> I've been married for 3 years and I have two kids. During my 3-years married, my husband cheated on me twice. The second time really got to me and at my lowest I hurt him back. We aren't communicating as well as I would like. What do I do? [/INST] <p>Hi there. Thank you reaching out for help. It takes a lot of courage for someone that is being abused to reach out for help. I want you to know that I am here to help you in any way that I can. </p><p>First and foremost, you did not mention whether or not you had children yourself by this man. I’m going to assume there are. So, the most important thing right at this moment is asking yourself, if you and your children are safe? Is the boyfriend currently living in the home or is he coming and going? If he is coming and going or currently living in the home, my suggestion for you to is to pack a bag for you and your children and go somewhere safe (i.e. family members home, friend or a shelter temporarily). I cannot stress this enough. Although, some people tend to minimize their abusers behavior (i.e. they only do it when they are drinking, they only do it when they are mad), it’s those individuals that find themselves or their children in a serious situation. So, you can never take abuse (physical or mental) lightly because you never know what is going through that persons mind at that particular time. It’s always better to be safe than sorry. </p><p>Secondly, it will not be safe, helpful or productive to attempt to talk to the abuser about your relationship. Abusers often times try and manipulate you into staying by apologizing or attempting to justify their behaviors. This is the time you would want to go see a magistrate in order to get a protective order for you and your children.</p><p>It’s unfortunate that your significant other was involved with another women causing pregnancy; however, that is no longer your concern. Your concern at this point is keeping yourself and your children safe. I would also suggest counseling for you and your children in order to work through these issues. I hope this was helpful and please stay safe and take care of yourself. </p> </s> |
56bbf21a4e568f192e1bfb6e | I think I have anxiety and depression. It has manifested an extreme distrust for others. | My husband and I are in a terrible place. Part of me wants to fix it, but then I'm caught up with not knowing how and not being able to communicate my feelings to him because he always feels I'm blaming him. Sometimes I am because the feelings of distrust are so strong. I feel they must be coming from something he's doing, but sometimes I know I'm being irrational. Still, that doesn't stop the anxiety. The other half of the time, I just want to walk away, but I feel like that will only be a temporary fix. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-think-i-have-anxiety-and-depression-it-has-manifested-an-extreme-distrust-for-others | Depression,Anxiety,Behavioral Change,Marriage | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>You may be pressuring yourself to be the one person who fixes the relationship. </p><p>This is impossible because the relationship belongs to both of you.</p><p>Has he told you whether he feels about himself that how he interacts with you, is contributing to problems in the couple?</p><p>Is he willing to understand what you're asking of him, without shutting down with whatever he is feeling when he feels blamed?</p><p>Your feelings of distrust are the natural outcome of not being properly heard and understood. He's not willing to listen to you, so of course you're frustrated and this frustration comes out in all sorts of uneasy feelings.</p><p>Willingness to hear each other in a non-defensive way, sometimes requires a couples therapist's assistance.</p><p>Ask your husband if he's willing to understand, not judge you. Be willing yourself to do the same.</p><p>If after trying and getting nowhere, you'll know when to stop trying on your own as a couple and to find a specifically trained couples therapists.</p><p>Warning, not all therapists are trained to do couples therapy. Ask the therapist if they've had specialized training in couples therapy.</p><p>Otherwise, having a referee type therapy session of, "what do you think", "what do you think?", isn't going to do anything except frustrate both of you further.</p><p>Good luck!</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I think I have anxiety and depression. It has manifested an extreme distrust for others. <</SYS>> My husband and I are in a terrible place. Part of me wants to fix it, but then I'm caught up with not knowing how and not being able to communicate my feelings to him because he always feels I'm blaming him. Sometimes I am because the feelings of distrust are so strong. I feel they must be coming from something he's doing, but sometimes I know I'm being irrational. Still, that doesn't stop the anxiety. The other half of the time, I just want to walk away, but I feel like that will only be a temporary fix. [/INST] <p>You may be pressuring yourself to be the one person who fixes the relationship. </p><p>This is impossible because the relationship belongs to both of you.</p><p>Has he told you whether he feels about himself that how he interacts with you, is contributing to problems in the couple?</p><p>Is he willing to understand what you're asking of him, without shutting down with whatever he is feeling when he feels blamed?</p><p>Your feelings of distrust are the natural outcome of not being properly heard and understood. He's not willing to listen to you, so of course you're frustrated and this frustration comes out in all sorts of uneasy feelings.</p><p>Willingness to hear each other in a non-defensive way, sometimes requires a couples therapist's assistance.</p><p>Ask your husband if he's willing to understand, not judge you. Be willing yourself to do the same.</p><p>If after trying and getting nowhere, you'll know when to stop trying on your own as a couple and to find a specifically trained couples therapists.</p><p>Warning, not all therapists are trained to do couples therapy. Ask the therapist if they've had specialized training in couples therapy.</p><p>Otherwise, having a referee type therapy session of, "what do you think", "what do you think?", isn't going to do anything except frustrate both of you further.</p><p>Good luck!</p> </s> |
55711873a03de6c365f45bbb | About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me. | Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family.
However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward? | https://counselchat.com/questions/about-a-year-ago-i-found-out-my-husband-had-cheated-on-me | Relationships,Marriage | Rebecca Wong | https://counselchat.com/therapists/rebecca-wong | <p>Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: "The Science of Trust" and "Making Love Last" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here: https://www.gottman.com/private-therapy/ </p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> About a year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me. <</SYS>> Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family.
However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward? [/INST] <p>Let's just start with acknowledging that trust is huge and betrayal hurts. You're entitled to your feelings; all of them and you need to know that your husband understands you. That said some ways are more effective at rebuilding and repairing relationships that others. I am a big fan of The Gottman Method for couples therapy, especially following infedienity. You can read about this approach in Gottman's books: "The Science of Trust" and "Making Love Last" and/or you can seek a Gottman Certified couples therapist here: https://www.gottman.com/private-therapy/ </p> </s> |
579aad97188cd61c1684e80a | How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting? | We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-ask-my-boyfriend-about-who-he-s-texting | Relationships | Kristi King-Morgan, LMSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/kristi-king-morgan-lmsw | <p>Just ask him.</p><p>I'm not sure how you saw his phone if you're in a long distance relationship, because long distance means you live far apart from each other and don't get to see each other in person. Therefore, I think we may have a different understanding of the definition of "long distance relationship" which makes it hard for me to adequately answer this question for you.</p><p>I don't know how old you are, but if you're an adult, after two and a half years, I don't think it's unreasonable to have an open and honest talk with each other about where the relationship is going and what you both want and expect. Long distance relationships are difficult to keep alive because you don't ever see each other in person. Talking, texting, and video chatting isn't enough, and the longer the physical distance remains, the more difficult it becomes to keep an emotional closeness. It may be time to evaluate the situation, figure out when (if ever) the two of you will be able to be together in person, and if you can and want to wait that long. Do you both want the same things out of life? If one of you wants to take the relationship to the next level but the other doesn't, then it doesn't matter if it's long distance or not - if you aren't on the same page with the relationship, it is going to be difficult to make it work.</p><p>Trust is important. Issues with trust, insecurity, jealousy, lying and/or hiding things from each other, being afraid to speak up and have an honest conversation - these things can ruin relationships if not addressed. I know confrontation of any sort can be hard for some people, but it is necessary at times. Evaluate your true feelings for him. Are you with him for reasons other than love, such as being afraid to be alone or thinking you wouldn't be able to find someone else? Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious of his female coworkers or friends before? Some people, unfortunately, develop a track record of indiscretions and give their significant others ample reason for distrusting them. However, if this is not the case, you may be unfairly judging his texting through the eyes of your own insecurities. </p><p>It may be time for you both to take an honest assessment of your own reasons for being in the relationship, figure out what you want, and make a decision. This may result in bringing the two of you closer and taking the relationship to the next level. Or, it could lead to a decision to end things. I know that can be difficult, but you both deserve to be happy and to be allowed to make the decisions that will lead to your personal happiness.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I ask my boyfriend about who he's texting? <</SYS>> We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. [/INST] <p>Just ask him.</p><p>I'm not sure how you saw his phone if you're in a long distance relationship, because long distance means you live far apart from each other and don't get to see each other in person. Therefore, I think we may have a different understanding of the definition of "long distance relationship" which makes it hard for me to adequately answer this question for you.</p><p>I don't know how old you are, but if you're an adult, after two and a half years, I don't think it's unreasonable to have an open and honest talk with each other about where the relationship is going and what you both want and expect. Long distance relationships are difficult to keep alive because you don't ever see each other in person. Talking, texting, and video chatting isn't enough, and the longer the physical distance remains, the more difficult it becomes to keep an emotional closeness. It may be time to evaluate the situation, figure out when (if ever) the two of you will be able to be together in person, and if you can and want to wait that long. Do you both want the same things out of life? If one of you wants to take the relationship to the next level but the other doesn't, then it doesn't matter if it's long distance or not - if you aren't on the same page with the relationship, it is going to be difficult to make it work.</p><p>Trust is important. Issues with trust, insecurity, jealousy, lying and/or hiding things from each other, being afraid to speak up and have an honest conversation - these things can ruin relationships if not addressed. I know confrontation of any sort can be hard for some people, but it is necessary at times. Evaluate your true feelings for him. Are you with him for reasons other than love, such as being afraid to be alone or thinking you wouldn't be able to find someone else? Has he ever given you reason to be suspicious of his female coworkers or friends before? Some people, unfortunately, develop a track record of indiscretions and give their significant others ample reason for distrusting them. However, if this is not the case, you may be unfairly judging his texting through the eyes of your own insecurities. </p><p>It may be time for you both to take an honest assessment of your own reasons for being in the relationship, figure out what you want, and make a decision. This may result in bringing the two of you closer and taking the relationship to the next level. Or, it could lead to a decision to end things. I know that can be difficult, but you both deserve to be happy and to be allowed to make the decisions that will lead to your personal happiness.</p> </s> |
56dfacf3095966e22a8c149f | How do I handle my binge eating? | I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-handle-my-binge-eating | Stress,Eating Disorders | Nakisia McDaniel | https://counselchat.com/therapists/nakisia-mcdaniel | The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction. You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort. Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength. Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress. It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt. Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you? Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time. You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food. Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on. Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention. Well wishes!!!!!!<br> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I handle my binge eating? <</SYS>> I have a problem with binge eating, especially during times of stress. I binge eat and feel so overwhelmed with shame and disappointment that I end up going to the gym and trying to exercise the calories off. I am in my late 20s, and I have been dealing with this since I was a teenager. Are there any coping mechanisms I can use to break this cycle? [/INST] The fact that you are aware of the issue and what causes it is a step in the right direction. You can absolutely break the cycle but it takes a lot of effort. Much like growing a physical muscle, developing coping mechanisms must be practiced (exercised) in order to gain strength. Find healthy activities that you like to do that can help you deal with stress. It appears that you are already going to the gym which is awesome; you want this to be a healthy experience not one done out of guilt. Is it possible for you to incorporate food items that are healthy for you? Remember any changes you make must be practiced and developed over time. You should seek professional help to assist you with getting to the root cause of your emotional connection to food. Normally these issues date back to childhood experiences however this is a generalization and I have little information to go on. Above all else BE KIND TO YOURSELF! Shame is counterproductive. If you want something to grow you give it love and attention. Well wishes!!!!!!<br> </s> |
5667a4b11678044a13a776ff | I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him. | I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-have-the-perfect-guy-but-i-m-not-attracted-to-him | Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without. And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.</p><p>There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.</p><p>While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.</p><p>Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner? </p><p>Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself. </p><p>He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you. </p><p>Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are. On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you. He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!</p><p>As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I have the perfect guy, but I'm not attracted to him. <</SYS>> I'm in a long-distance relationship with my ideal man, but I'm not as attracted to him as I should be. Everything else is perfect about him, but I find myself lusting over more attractive men. The next step is marriage, but I want to marry someone who I can wake up to and fall in love with all over again. However, I also don't want to throw away a great relationship over what might just be lust. Am I asking for too much in the "perfect guy"? Is there such a thing? Am I truly in love? [/INST] <p>The basic guideline for relationship satisfaction, is to know what you can and cannot live with and without. And, since you are considering marriage, for how long do you imagine yourself being satisfied living with and without certain qualities of your partner.</p><p>There is a hard wired dynamic between two people that defines the basic structure of the relationship.</p><p>While life is filled with surprises and can change in an instant, the basic way in which the partners of a couple, connect.</p><p>Do you understand why you are not attracted to your partner? </p><p>Whatever the reason, now is a good time to state this about yourself. </p><p>He may be quite willing and interested in developing new ways of sexually stimulating you. </p><p>Maybe he is just as shy about talking about this topic as you are. On some level he must know that he doesn't satisfy you. He may be relieved to hear you bring up the topic!</p><p>As always, remember that if discussing a relationship matter feel hard to start, consider utilizing therapy services with a professional, credentialed and licensed therapist.</p> </s> |
57267371f90871f676cf4781 | My wife won't do things she used to do | There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-wife-won-t-do-things-she-used-to-do | Intimacy | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>I'd say you're letting fear get a hold on you! You would really enjoy some sexual activities that your wife hasn't initiated in a long while, but it's a big leap to go from that to "I married the wrong person". Fear is telling you that she doesn't respect or like or want you? Look at the bigger picture. What is the evidence that your wife wants to please you?...that she is the "right" woman for you?...that she loves you?...that she cares about what's important to you? If there is evidence there, then you owe it to the marriage to rein in your fearful thoughts.</p><p>Talking to your wife is so important right now. We all have moments when we really just want to sit and stew in our self pity over our partner not vacuuming or cooking or saying loving things often enough...but they can't read our minds! Can you lovingly let her know what you miss? ...what you hope for?...what you need? This is the meat of a loving relationship. Sharing who we are, so that we can love each other better. </p><p>Your wife deserves the benefit of the doubt that she'll listen to what you long for. Can you risk feeling vulnerable? You can't control her answer, but can you trust her to care?</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> My wife won't do things she used to do <</SYS>> There are intimate things she did early in the relationship, and things she had once agreed to try that she will not do now. I end up thinking about it all day. I feel rejected and think I married the wrong person. [/INST] <p>I'd say you're letting fear get a hold on you! You would really enjoy some sexual activities that your wife hasn't initiated in a long while, but it's a big leap to go from that to "I married the wrong person". Fear is telling you that she doesn't respect or like or want you? Look at the bigger picture. What is the evidence that your wife wants to please you?...that she is the "right" woman for you?...that she loves you?...that she cares about what's important to you? If there is evidence there, then you owe it to the marriage to rein in your fearful thoughts.</p><p>Talking to your wife is so important right now. We all have moments when we really just want to sit and stew in our self pity over our partner not vacuuming or cooking or saying loving things often enough...but they can't read our minds! Can you lovingly let her know what you miss? ...what you hope for?...what you need? This is the meat of a loving relationship. Sharing who we are, so that we can love each other better. </p><p>Your wife deserves the benefit of the doubt that she'll listen to what you long for. Can you risk feeling vulnerable? You can't control her answer, but can you trust her to care?</p> </s> |
57749f5bc8c3e0180cffa1f4 | I feel completely alone in my marriage. | I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-feel-completely-alone-in-my-marriage | Marriage,Relationships,Intimacy | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>I can think of several things that may help you to reconnect. I don't know how much time you actually spend together, but one thing you could try is to spend 15 minutes a week together talking about common interests or other things that make you feel connected.</p><p>Have you considered a date night or anything (doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but could make each of you feel special)?</p><p>Something else you could try is to consider talking to each other in a way where you summarize what you are hearing and reflect back to make sure that you got it right rather than just assuming so. Communicating this way can feel awkward at times, but it could reconnect how you are listening and deeply connecting with your partner. Also, you may discover that you are on two different pages about things on which you thought you understood what each other felt, wanted, or desired.</p><p>Consider what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Can you name a few things and get them right according to your partner when you check in? Can he do the same for you?</p><p>You could also try doing two things every day that would be appreciated by your partner without either of you having to ask for it. There is some more information here, although what you do for one another does not necessarily need to be on this list: <a href="http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/" target="_blank">http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/</a></p><p>Reconnecting is a bit of a process. Try to praise yourself and your partner for attempts that you make and recognize that you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. You may also find this book to be helpful (or there are other similar ones by the same author): <a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languages">https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languages</a></p><p>If this still seems difficult, consider seeing a local mental health professional. As one more thought, recall that this relationship involves both of you. If you are both committing to change your level of connection, change will likely not be a steady uphill climb (there could be plateaus or even some dips back in a negative direction) and each of you may change at a different rate.</p><p>Best wishes in your quest for connection!</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I feel completely alone in my marriage. <</SYS>> I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] <p>I can think of several things that may help you to reconnect. I don't know how much time you actually spend together, but one thing you could try is to spend 15 minutes a week together talking about common interests or other things that make you feel connected.</p><p>Have you considered a date night or anything (doesn't have to cost a lot of money, but could make each of you feel special)?</p><p>Something else you could try is to consider talking to each other in a way where you summarize what you are hearing and reflect back to make sure that you got it right rather than just assuming so. Communicating this way can feel awkward at times, but it could reconnect how you are listening and deeply connecting with your partner. Also, you may discover that you are on two different pages about things on which you thought you understood what each other felt, wanted, or desired.</p><p>Consider what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or special. Can you name a few things and get them right according to your partner when you check in? Can he do the same for you?</p><p>You could also try doing two things every day that would be appreciated by your partner without either of you having to ask for it. There is some more information here, although what you do for one another does not necessarily need to be on this list: <a href="http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/" target="_blank">http://www.couplesinstitute.com/tracking-success-by-doing-the-daily-double/</a></p><p>Reconnecting is a bit of a process. Try to praise yourself and your partner for attempts that you make and recognize that you're not going to get it right 100% of the time. You may also find this book to be helpful (or there are other similar ones by the same author): <a href="https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languages">https://smile.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-that-Lasts/dp/080241270X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1471479801&sr=8-1&keywords=Love+languages</a></p><p>If this still seems difficult, consider seeing a local mental health professional. As one more thought, recall that this relationship involves both of you. If you are both committing to change your level of connection, change will likely not be a steady uphill climb (there could be plateaus or even some dips back in a negative direction) and each of you may change at a different rate.</p><p>Best wishes in your quest for connection!</p> </s> |
573bdb1b7d5e6b5321fad9d5 | Is there anything I can do about my therapist blocking my psychiatric services? | I had a dispute with my therapist regarding an appointment cancellation. Now, she is blocking me from seeing other psychologists at the same clinic (which takes my insurance), which is also where I get my psychiatric services. There is a strict 48 hour cancellation policy, and my appointments are at 3:00 on Tuesday. I called to cancel at 4:30 the previous Friday. I was late, so we contacted my doctor to tell her that I would be out of town. She said I could do a phone in session. The thing is we do double sessions. | https://counselchat.com/questions/is-there-anything-i-can-do-about-my-therapist-blocking-my-psychiatric-services | Legal & Regulatory | Eric Ström, JD, MA, LMHC | https://counselchat.com/therapists/eric-str-m-jd-ma-lmhc | <p>My recommendation would be to try to talk to your therapist about this from your description, it sounds like you have a legitimate explanation for missing your scheduled session. <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Maybe if you could explain that to her she would be willing to work with you. </span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">If she is not willing to consider your explanation and if she is not willing to continue working with you, she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist.</span></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Is there anything I can do about my therapist blocking my psychiatric services? <</SYS>> I had a dispute with my therapist regarding an appointment cancellation. Now, she is blocking me from seeing other psychologists at the same clinic (which takes my insurance), which is also where I get my psychiatric services. There is a strict 48 hour cancellation policy, and my appointments are at 3:00 on Tuesday. I called to cancel at 4:30 the previous Friday. I was late, so we contacted my doctor to tell her that I would be out of town. She said I could do a phone in session. The thing is we do double sessions. [/INST] <p>My recommendation would be to try to talk to your therapist about this from your description, it sounds like you have a legitimate explanation for missing your scheduled session. <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Maybe if you could explain that to her she would be willing to work with you. </span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">If she is not willing to consider your explanation and if she is not willing to continue working with you, she still has an ethical obligation to provide you with referral resources to another therapist.</span></p> </s> |
5671bc451c0ef037212236f7 | My husband doesn't trust me. | My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-doesn-t-trust-me | Marriage | Lynda Martens | https://counselchat.com/therapists/ms-lynda-martens-london-ontario | <p>Hi Louisiana,</p><p>It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again. </p><p>You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.</p><p>Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him. </p><p>As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.</p><p>A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> My husband doesn't trust me. <</SYS>> My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not. [/INST] <p>Hi Louisiana,</p><p>It's normal when trust has been broken in the past for fear and insecurities to come up from time to time. His reactions may not mean that he doesn't trust you, but rather that he gets scared that he's going to be hurt again. </p><p>You're a bit vague about the past. You don't say whether you cheated or not. If you did, then you might try taking an approach where you a) take responsibility for your past actions, b) show an understanding of and compassion for his pain about that, c) do everything you can to demonstrate trust and show that he is your priority, and d) reassure him when he says he's scared or feeling insecure. I'm suggesting that part of healing is you having tolerance of his emotions and demonstrating that you're so confident you can be faithful that you can handle his moments of fear. This is what he and the marriage need in order to heal from the attachment injury.</p><p>Part of the issue might be that when he brings it up, he's coming across as angry, accusing or suspicious, rather than scared and insecure. This often happens. A therapist can help both of you understand that fear is behind the anger, and it works best if he shows you his vulnerable emotions rather than the anger (which is also natural, but less helpful in those moments), and then you can more easily recognise the cue for you to reassure him. </p><p>As much as you want to forget about it, he might need to talk about it sometimes, and that's normal. His needs are important. Also important, however, is your need for respect. If he approaches it in a disrespectful way, that's a separate problem. If it's brought up as a weapon, used to shut you down, or used to control or punish, those are unhealthy ways of dealing with past hurts. You can both offer compassion to him and use your sense of boundaries to protect yourself from being flogged with the past.</p><p>A qualified therapist can help you sort through this trick territory. Best of luck.</p> </s> |
574a1a85c792dd6c7063e4e4 | How can I be happier and healthier? | I've tried working out and eating fruits and vegetables, but I always seem to eat the junk in the house. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-be-happier-and-healthier | Behavioral Change | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>I know some people do better when they don't have as much junk food in the house. This is not as tempting then. Having said that, maybe you can reward yourself with different things, such as having dessert on certain days. If you are concerned about mostly eating habits, consider seeing a nutritionist. They can help you find the balance between what it is that you really want and your goals. I'm not sure how this links to happiness for you, but hopefully looking at your choices can lead you toward your goal of being healthier.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I be happier and healthier? <</SYS>> I've tried working out and eating fruits and vegetables, but I always seem to eat the junk in the house. [/INST] <p>I know some people do better when they don't have as much junk food in the house. This is not as tempting then. Having said that, maybe you can reward yourself with different things, such as having dessert on certain days. If you are concerned about mostly eating habits, consider seeing a nutritionist. They can help you find the balance between what it is that you really want and your goals. I'm not sure how this links to happiness for you, but hopefully looking at your choices can lead you toward your goal of being healthier.</p> </s> |
574a455dc792dd6c7063e4e6 | How do I pick which parents house I want to live at? | My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-pick-which-parents-house-i-want-to-live-at | Family Conflict | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.</p><p>If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I pick which parents house I want to live at? <</SYS>> My mom and dad got divorced four years ago. I had to finish out the school year with my dad, and now they are deciding which place is best for me. I can't choose. How can I choose if I love both places? [/INST] <p>I don't know how old you are, but depending on that, you may be able to talk with them about spending some time in both places. Even parents who live in different states can do that sometimes. It's not as frequent as spending one week at one house and the next week and the other, but I know that it happens.</p><p>If you can talk with both of your parents about how you would like to live in both places, maybe you can all work out some kind of agreement.</p> </s> |
5671bc451c0ef037212236f7 | My husband doesn't trust me. | My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-husband-doesn-t-trust-me | Marriage | Margaret Van Ackeren | https://counselchat.com/therapists/margaret-van-ackeren-yorba-linda | <p>It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!<br></p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> My husband doesn't trust me. <</SYS>> My husband doesn’t trust me for some past we had. I know all marriages have their ups and downs, but sometimes, I feel I am getting tired of the same thing over and over: that I am messing around, which I am not. [/INST] <p>It is incredibly frustrating to not be trusted when you know you are doing nothing wrong. If the lack of trust on your husband's end has to do with something you did in the past, then be patient and give it time. Once trust is broken it takes time and effort to gain it back. Try seeing the situation from your husband's perspective, as often times looking at situations from different angles, gives us new understanding and insight. Remember that you can't change how he feels, but you can help him to regain the trust by asking him what he needs and responding to his needs as best you can. Seeing a couple's counselor is never a bad idea and it would also be beneficial for you and or/your husband to seek out individual therapy. There may be other unknown factors that you are unaware of that are contributing to the trust issues and inability to resolve them. Hope everything works out for you!<br></p> </s> |
574b3e1bc792dd6c7063e504 | How can I cope with depression? | In the last ten months, I've been kicked out, moved around three times, worked many jobs, stopped school to make money, had dad and mom get sick, was cheated on while pregnant, lost my baby, had relationship issues, and was betrayed. I can't get a job. I have no friends. I feel lonely and isolated. I've been dealing with all this by myself. | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-can-i-cope-with-depression-2 | Depression | Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, DCC, CCTP | https://counselchat.com/therapists/lauren-ostrowski-ma-lpc-ncc-dcc-cctp | <p>One thing that may help is to focus on small things that you do have control over. If you can hold onto that sense of having control over what you wear or what you choose to eat or where you go during the day, this may help you be able to look at what is currently most important for you and consider different choices. For example, you say you can't get a job, but I wonder if you could work with and local agencies to help you find a job, like Career Link. You say you have no friends currently. Are there any previous friends that you can get back in contact with?</p><p>You mentioned that you have no friends. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk with, even if it's not someone that you consider a closest friend?</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How can I cope with depression? <</SYS>> In the last ten months, I've been kicked out, moved around three times, worked many jobs, stopped school to make money, had dad and mom get sick, was cheated on while pregnant, lost my baby, had relationship issues, and was betrayed. I can't get a job. I have no friends. I feel lonely and isolated. I've been dealing with all this by myself. [/INST] <p>One thing that may help is to focus on small things that you do have control over. If you can hold onto that sense of having control over what you wear or what you choose to eat or where you go during the day, this may help you be able to look at what is currently most important for you and consider different choices. For example, you say you can't get a job, but I wonder if you could work with and local agencies to help you find a job, like Career Link. You say you have no friends currently. Are there any previous friends that you can get back in contact with?</p><p>You mentioned that you have no friends. Is there anyone in your life that you can talk with, even if it's not someone that you consider a closest friend?</p> </s> |
55d431424eadfb434bcb5bfa | I keep on changing my life when things get tough. | I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job. | https://counselchat.com/questions/i-keep-on-changing-my-life-when-things-get-tough | Anxiety,Career Counseling | Jessica Dobbs | https://counselchat.com/therapists/jessica-dobbs | <p>I recommend that you make a list of all the reasons you should change your life and all of the reasons you shouldn't change your life. Can the problem you are in be fixed? Is there others you can lean on for support? Are there other people you know who have been through a similar experience and are willing to share their story with you? It is important to rely on your support network to help you get multiple points of view. If you believe you need additional help, I suggest seeing a professional.</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> I keep on changing my life when things get tough. <</SYS>> I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job. [/INST] <p>I recommend that you make a list of all the reasons you should change your life and all of the reasons you shouldn't change your life. Can the problem you are in be fixed? Is there others you can lean on for support? Are there other people you know who have been through a similar experience and are willing to share their story with you? It is important to rely on your support network to help you get multiple points of view. If you believe you need additional help, I suggest seeing a professional.</p> </s> |
582a260d950e2507cf23dc1d | Why doesn't any guy want to date me? | I have high functioning autism and I have been on a lot of dating sites like meet me, match, and zoosk. I haven't had any luck on any of the dating sites I have been on.
I really want a boyfriend but I don't know what I should do. I just want to be in a relationship. How can I meet someone? | https://counselchat.com/questions/why-doesn-t-any-guy-want-to-date-me | Relationships | Sherry Katz, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/sherry-katz-lcsw | <p>Are there dating sites for people who have autism on the high functioning end?</p><p>If not, then find out the names of different organizations which support people who have autism. At least one of these groups will have some guidance as to social activities for dating or even specific sites for dating when autism is a criteria.</p><p>All the rejection on dating sites is rough for anyone to handle.</p><p>How do you know that you're being passed over by guys who are on dating sites because you have autism? Any reason is possible.</p><p>Unless you've heard from a few particular guys that their reason for looking beyond you is because of your autism, it is possible you're in the same boat as everyone else who feels similarly frustrated by dating site rejection!</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> Why doesn't any guy want to date me? <</SYS>> I have high functioning autism and I have been on a lot of dating sites like meet me, match, and zoosk. I haven't had any luck on any of the dating sites I have been on.
I really want a boyfriend but I don't know what I should do. I just want to be in a relationship. How can I meet someone? [/INST] <p>Are there dating sites for people who have autism on the high functioning end?</p><p>If not, then find out the names of different organizations which support people who have autism. At least one of these groups will have some guidance as to social activities for dating or even specific sites for dating when autism is a criteria.</p><p>All the rejection on dating sites is rough for anyone to handle.</p><p>How do you know that you're being passed over by guys who are on dating sites because you have autism? Any reason is possible.</p><p>Unless you've heard from a few particular guys that their reason for looking beyond you is because of your autism, it is possible you're in the same boat as everyone else who feels similarly frustrated by dating site rejection!</p> </s> |
558c00e843308c50345fdde9 | My son and family has different views about religion. How do I resolve these differences? | In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs. | https://counselchat.com/questions/my-son-and-family-has-different-views-about-religion-how-do-i-resolve-these-differences | Spirituality,Family Conflict | Mark Morris, LCSW | https://counselchat.com/therapists/mark-morris-lcsw-new-orleans | <p>You have an opportunity, but you haven't described a problem. (Are you creating one?) Many families have various members who have different spiritual beliefs and religious practices. Accepting the idea that those with whom we are close may be different from us is the only way to create a world of peace. This may be a wonderful opportunity to practice tolerance and love. If mutual decisions need to be made in religious contexts, you may also get to practice boundary setting, assertiveness (without aggression), communication skills, and loving kindness. This is a great problem to work through! It is indeed a very spiritual question. Blessings to you all, ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)</p> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> My son and family has different views about religion. How do I resolve these differences? <</SYS>> In particular during family gatherings (such as funerals), where there are different customs. [/INST] <p>You have an opportunity, but you haven't described a problem. (Are you creating one?) Many families have various members who have different spiritual beliefs and religious practices. Accepting the idea that those with whom we are close may be different from us is the only way to create a world of peace. This may be a wonderful opportunity to practice tolerance and love. If mutual decisions need to be made in religious contexts, you may also get to practice boundary setting, assertiveness (without aggression), communication skills, and loving kindness. This is a great problem to work through! It is indeed a very spiritual question. Blessings to you all, ~Mark (www.MarkMorrisLCSW.com and www.LivingYes.org)</p> </s> |
586ea98c152ba8625f40045b | How do I get my husband to listen to me? | I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me.
How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time? | https://counselchat.com/questions/how-do-i-get-my-husband-to-listen-to-me | Relationships,Marriage | Toni Genovese | https://counselchat.com/therapists/toni-genovese | <p>Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying. since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner. This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be "heard."</p><p>I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship.</p><p>One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on. </p><p>Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach:</p><ul><li>Pay attention and use your body language to convey that you are in the conversation. No texting or distractions. Lean in. Focus.</li><li>Listen for content and for emotion. Clarify what you don't understand. Try to understand the person's underlying emotions. </li><li>Don't rush to judgement or to changing what is going on with the person. Sit in a place where you are really curious and want to understand what is going on. </li><li>Encourage the other person to continue speaking, Nod and vocalize that you hear what they are saying.</li><li>Ask questions to get to understand the other person's point of view.<br></li></ul><div>I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills.<br></div><div><br></div><div>Best of luck to you!</div> | 0 | <s> [INST] <<SYS>> How do I get my husband to listen to me? <</SYS>> I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me.
How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time? [/INST] <p>Thanks for reaching out. This is a great question. Communication is definitely a 2-way street. One person cannot participate in a discussion. It takes a talker and a listener. Furthermore, communication will breakdown if each party is only focusing on his or her agenda and is not open to what the other person is saying. since I can't ask you questions about what is going on, I am going to make a guess at one situation that comes up a lot when I work with couples. One person focuses more on solving the issue, than listening to their partner. This can be frustrating for the partner who wants to just be "heard."</p><p>I understand that you are working really hard to listen to him and he might not be putting as much effort into listening to you. That can be really frustrating and difficult and I want to acknowledge you for wanting to improve your relationship.</p><p>One of the best strategies to gettting heard, is actually to BE A GOOD LISTENER to someone else. I know you are probably already a good listener and for you to work on listening skills may seem counterintuitive, right? You want to get heard and now you are the one doing the listening. But this can really create more effective communication if you invest time working on doing some active listening in your relationship because then you get to model those skills for your husband and allow him to see what it feels like to be listened to and then you can even teach him some of those skills. In other words, you practice specific techniques that you can use and then teach later on. </p><p>Here are some skills for you to use consciously and then you can teach:</p><ul><li>Pay attention and use your body language to convey that you are in the conversation. No texting or distractions. Lean in. Focus.</li><li>Listen for content and for emotion. Clarify what you don't understand. Try to understand the person's underlying emotions. </li><li>Don't rush to judgement or to changing what is going on with the person. Sit in a place where you are really curious and want to understand what is going on. </li><li>Encourage the other person to continue speaking, Nod and vocalize that you hear what they are saying.</li><li>Ask questions to get to understand the other person's point of view.<br></li></ul><div>I believe when we can model these kinds of listening skills, and the other person feels heard, they will be more likely to listen to us. If you don't find that this doesn't spill over in that way, then have a discussion about what you are practicing and that you are learning these skills to be a better listener so you can understand him better. Then explain how it might be helpful if you both tried it. If there is push back from him, set up a trial period to just try the skill, perhaps for 2 weeks and see if it helps. If communication is really breaking down, then it might be time to work with a counselor who can help with these skills.<br></div><div><br></div><div>Best of luck to you!</div> </s> |
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