IndustryCorpus
Collection
19 items
•
Updated
•
5
Dataset Preview
Full Screen Viewer
Full Screen
The full dataset viewer is not available (click to read why). Only showing a preview of the rows.
The dataset generation failed because of a cast error
Error code: DatasetGenerationCastError
Exception: DatasetGenerationCastError
Message: An error occurred while generating the dataset
All the data files must have the same columns, but at some point there are 11 new columns ({'char_rep_ratio', 'alnum_ratio', 'max_line_length', 'perplexity', 'num_words', 'avg_line_length', 'lang', 'special_char_ratio', 'lang_score', 'word_rep_ratio', 'flagged_words_ratio'})
This happened while the json dataset builder was generating data using
gzip://rank_958.jsonl::hf://datasets/BAAI/IndustryCorpus_emotion@6232cd05eb3b1a0ebd04a0b9942336eb8b4e1d54/zh/rank_958.jsonl.gz
Please either edit the data files to have matching columns, or separate them into different configurations (see docs at https://hf.co/docs/hub/datasets-manual-configuration#multiple-configurations)
Traceback: Traceback (most recent call last):
File "/src/services/worker/.venv/lib/python3.9/site-packages/datasets/builder.py", line 2011, in _prepare_split_single
writer.write_table(table)
File "/src/services/worker/.venv/lib/python3.9/site-packages/datasets/arrow_writer.py", line 585, in write_table
pa_table = table_cast(pa_table, self._schema)
File "/src/services/worker/.venv/lib/python3.9/site-packages/datasets/table.py", line 2302, in table_cast
return cast_table_to_schema(table, schema)
File "/src/services/worker/.venv/lib/python3.9/site-packages/datasets/table.py", line 2256, in cast_table_to_schema
raise CastError(
datasets.table.CastError: Couldn't cast
text: string
alnum_ratio: double
avg_line_length: double
char_rep_ratio: double
flagged_words_ratio: double
industry_type: string
lang: string
lang_score: double
max_line_length: int64
num_words: int64
perplexity: double
special_char_ratio: double
word_rep_ratio: double
id: int64
to
{'id': Value(dtype='string', id=None), 'text': Value(dtype='string', id=None), 'industry_type': Value(dtype='string', id=None)}
because column names don't match
During handling of the above exception, another exception occurred:
Traceback (most recent call last):
File "/src/services/worker/src/worker/job_runners/config/parquet_and_info.py", line 1572, in compute_config_parquet_and_info_response
parquet_operations, partial, estimated_dataset_info = stream_convert_to_parquet(
File "/src/services/worker/src/worker/job_runners/config/parquet_and_info.py", line 1136, in stream_convert_to_parquet
builder._prepare_split(
File "/src/services/worker/.venv/lib/python3.9/site-packages/datasets/builder.py", line 1882, in _prepare_split
for job_id, done, content in self._prepare_split_single(
File "/src/services/worker/.venv/lib/python3.9/site-packages/datasets/builder.py", line 2013, in _prepare_split_single
raise DatasetGenerationCastError.from_cast_error(
datasets.exceptions.DatasetGenerationCastError: An error occurred while generating the dataset
All the data files must have the same columns, but at some point there are 11 new columns ({'char_rep_ratio', 'alnum_ratio', 'max_line_length', 'perplexity', 'num_words', 'avg_line_length', 'lang', 'special_char_ratio', 'lang_score', 'word_rep_ratio', 'flagged_words_ratio'})
This happened while the json dataset builder was generating data using
gzip://rank_958.jsonl::hf://datasets/BAAI/IndustryCorpus_emotion@6232cd05eb3b1a0ebd04a0b9942336eb8b4e1d54/zh/rank_958.jsonl.gz
Please either edit the data files to have matching columns, or separate them into different configurations (see docs at https://hf.co/docs/hub/datasets-manual-configuration#multiple-configurations)Need help to make the dataset viewer work? Make sure to review how to configure the dataset viewer, and open a discussion for direct support.
id
string | text
string | industry_type
string |
|---|---|---|
2014-15/0339/en_head.json.gz/14914 | I never call my parents. At least that’s what my parents believe.
by Mordechai Schmutter
I never call my parents.
At least that’s what my parents believe. About half our conversations are about just that.
“You never call us,” they say.
“I just called you!” I say. “We’re on the phone right now! As we speak!”
“You were supposed to call yesterday,” they say.
“You never call.” “We’re on the phone right now! As we speak!”
I blame my sisters. I have two married sisters, and they both speak to my parents way more than I do. My sister Raizel, for example, literally never gets off the phone with my mother. When I call my parents, my mother has to hang up on her to talk to me.
“I have to go,” my mother says. “It’s Mordechai. He never calls.”
In general, I try to call my parents three times a week, even when I have nothing to tell them. It’s not like something new and mind-blowing happens to me three times a week. But sometimes I forget to call. Sometimes I’m lying in bed on a Friday night, and I ask myself, “Did I call my parents today?”
TIP: If you’re not sure whether you called your parents, you didn’t call them.
So these days, my parents have apparently decided to reward me with information based on how often I call. Like if I call three times a week, they won’t tell me anything about their own lives – they’ll just ask me if there’s anything new in mine. If I call four or five times, they’ll tell me who’s not feeling well. If I call ten times, they’ll tell me about anything major, like if they moved.
“You changed your phone number? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You didn’t call.”
On the other hand, even though my wife talks to her mother at least once a day, her mother rarely tells her anything important. Like my mother-in-law will sometimes call us five times in one day, and then my wife will find out later – from her sister – that my father-in-law is away on a business trip. So my wife will call her mother (of course):
“Dad went on a business trip?” she’ll ask. “You told me the same Wal-Mart story five times, and this you couldn’t tell me?”
“Why do you think I spoke to you five times?”
But aside from my in-laws, no one ever calls us. Basically, the unspoken rule on my side of the family is that it’s up to the younger generation to call the older generation. That makes sense. It’s not like I’m going to get on the phone with my grandparents and go, “How come you never call?”
Actually, I’m never sure what to say to my grandparents on the phone. Grandparents are generally better in person. So our phone conversations usually revolve around trying to invite them for Shabbos. Only the thing is that they would never come to us for Shabbos, and not just because it’s easier to cook for two seniors than to remember to pack everything into a couple of suitcases which they would then have to schlep. The main reason they won’t come over is that the other unspoken rule in our family is that, with the occasional exception of parents, the older generation does not go to the younger generation for Shabbos.
So if we want to spend Shabbos with my grandparents (or aunts and uncles), they would have to invite us. Only they won’t, because they’ll never call us. Of course, these days my wife doesn’t want to go anywhere for Shabbos anyway, because at this stage in our lives it’s easier to cook for kids who refuse to eat than to pack clothing for them for every possible weather.
It’s amazing how quickly we turned into my grandparents.
So as a result, we’re always the last to find out anything that happens in our family. But anyway, I find that everyone, no matter how often they speak to family, will always say, “You know? I’m always the last person to hear everything!”
I think that’s why my mother’s side of the family started a quarterly newsletter. Actually, it started off as a monthly, until we all realized that even though we’d originally felt like no one was sharing anything, it turns out that nothing actually happens over the course of the average month. But because the newsletter goes to everyone at once, no one is the last to know anything.
Basically, what happens is that every issue, the editor reminds everyone to send in their news, and everyone sits down and realizes that they cannot for the life of them remember what happened over the last three months, but everyone else is submitting news, so they have to come up with something. So a lot of the newsletter is about how many teeth came in or fell out over the last three months. (As of the last newsletter, my family currently has 2,196 teeth.)
Also, sometimes the newsletter can get kind of repetitive – especially when it comes to all twenty-five nuclear families recounting what they did over the five intermediate days of Passover. (This comes out to 125 intermediate days of Passover.) Also, when there’s a wedding in the family, the bride and groom send it in as their news, and their parents send it in as well, which I guess is okay. Then one aunt sends in, “We had a lot of fun at the wedding!” and another uncle says, “We spent Tuesday night at the wedding!” Basically, we get to read about the same wedding twenty-five times, and this is a wedding we all went to anyway.
But now, thanks to the newsletter, we have less reason to call each other.
“So what’s news with you?”
“We went to a wedding.”
“I know, I read about it. And I was there!”
“I know. I read about that.”
In fact, I’m thinking that if we just put in a classified section where people can invite each other for Shabbos, no one will ever have to call anyone.
But here’s the thing: Calling your family is not really about news. Your family doesn’t really care if you have news for them; they just want to hear the sound of your voice. It’s like when you’re sitting around the dinner table, and you ask your kids, “What did you do in school today?” and they say, “I ate lunch.”
Wow. Maybe we should put that in the newsletter.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what you say. It just matters that they’re talking.
“Wait, he had lunch? I’m always the last to know everything!”
Don’t Call Me Dad
The Child- to-Parent Dictionary
Crash Course in Texting for Parents
Mordechai Schmutter
Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly humor column for Hamodia, a monthly humorous advice column for The Jewish Press, and a comic strip for The 20s and 30s of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, and Cholent Mix, all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are usually too upset that he showed up on any given day to even pay attention to his lessons. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey, but no longer remembers why.
Aliza,
Be Thankful you still have Parents
Mordecai, Be thankful you have your Parents to get aggrevated over. Enjoy each day with them. They have much to impart to your growing knowledge of Jewish Humor!
More Articles by Mordechai Schmutter:
Passover Q and A
Yes, Cheerios were invented by anti-Semites who totally don’t care about Pesach.
Sounds Strange
Some of the expressions we use sound like they were coined by someone who doesn’t actually speak English.
The Shabbos Delivery
Parenting Plagues
by Danny Verbov My experience with two of the ten plagues and what they taught me about parenting.
Grandmother Called; Family Crisis Averted
by Kevin Ray 86-year-old Estelle Coplowitz threatens hunger strike if her family doesn't call.
The New Parent Test
by Mamami Take this hilarious 'test' designed to find out if you're ready to have kids. | 情感 |
2014-15/0340/en_head.json.gz/12062 | In the year 2000, approximately one million people died from suicide: a "global" mortality rate of 16 per 100,000, or one death every 40 seconds. In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Suicide is now among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 years (both sexes); these figures do not include suicide attempts up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicide. Suicide worldwide is estimated to represent 1.8% of the total global burden of disease in1998, and 2.4% in countries with market and former socialist economies in 2020. Although traditionally suicide rates have been highest among the male elderly, rates among young people have been increasing to such an extent that they are now the group at highest risk in a third of countries, in both developed and developing countries. Mental disorders (particularly depression and substance abuse) are associated with more than 90% of all cases of suicide; however, suicide results from many complex sociocultural factors and is more likely to occur particularly during periods of socioeconomic, family and individual crisis situations (e.g., loss of a loved one, employment, honour). The economic costs associated with completed and attempted suicide are estimated to be in the billions of dollars. One million lives lost each year are more than those lost from wars and murder annually in the world. It is three times the catastrophic loss of life in the tsunami disaster in Asia in 2005. Every day of the year, the number of suicides is equivalent to the number of lives lost in the attack on the World Trade Center Twin Towers on 9/11 in 2001. Everyone should be aware of the warning signs for suicide: Someone threatening to hurt or kill him/herself, or taking of wanting to hurt or kill him/herself; someone looking for ways to kill him/herself by seeking access to firearms, available pills, or other means; someone talking or writing about death, dying or suicide, when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person. Also, high risk of suicide is generally associated with hopelessness; rage, uncontrolled anger, seeking revenge; acting reckless or engaging in risky activities, seemingly without thinking; feeling trapped � like there�s no way out; increased alcohol or drug use; withdrawing from friends, family and society, anxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time; dramatic mood changes; no reason for living; no sense of purpose in life.
Table 1: Understanding and helping the suicidal individual should be a task for all.
Suicide Myths
How to Help the Suicidal Person
Warning Sights of Suicide
Myth: Suicidal people just want to die.
Fact: Most of the time, suicidal people are torn between wanting to die and wanting to live. Most suicidal individuals don�t want death; they just want to stoop the great psychological or emotional pain they are experiencing -Listen;
-Accept the person�s feelings as they are;
-Do not be afraid to talk about suicide directly
-Ask them if they developed a plan of suicide; -Expressing suicidal feelings or bringing up the topic of suicide;
-Giving away prized possessions settling affairs, making out a will;
-Signs of depression: loss of pleasure, sad mood, alterations in sleeping/eating patterns, feelings of hopelessness;
Myth: People who commit suicide do not warn others.
Fact: Eight out of every 10 people who kill themselves give definite clues to their intentions. They leave numerous clues and warnings to others, although clues may be non-verbal of difficult to detect.
-Remove lethal means for suicide from person�s home -Remind the person that depressed feelings do change with time;
-Point out when death is chosen, it is irreversible; -Change of behavior (poor work or school performance)
-Risk-taking behaviors
-Increased use of alcohol or drugs
-Social isolation
-Developing a specific plan for suicide
Myth: People who talk about suicide are only trying to get attention. They won�t really do it.
Fact: Few commit suicide without first letting someone know how they feel. Those who are considering suicide give clues and warnings as a cry for help. Over 70% who do threaten to commit suicide either make an attempt or complete the act.
-Express your concern for the person;
-Develop a plan for help with the person;
-Seek outside emergency intervention at a hospital, mental health clinic or call a suicide prevention center
Myth: Don�t mention suicide to someone who�s showing signs of depression. It will plant the idea in their minds and they will act on it.
Fact: Many depressed people have already considered suicide as an option. Discussing it openly helps the suicidal person sort through the problems and generally provides a sense of relief and understanding.
Suicide is preventable. Most suicidal individuals desperately want to live; they are just unable to see alternatives to their problems. Most suicidal individuals give definite warnings of their suicidal intentions, but others are either unaware of the significance of these warnings or do not know how to respond to them. Talking about suicide does not cause someone to be suicidal; on the contrary the individual feel relief and has the opportunity to experience an empathic contact.
Suicide profoundly affects individuals, families, workplaces, neighbourhoods and societies. The economic costs associated with suicide and self-inflicted injuries are estimated to be in the billions of dollars. Surviving family members not only suffer the trauma of losing a loved one to suicide, and may themselves be at higher risk for suicide and emotional problems.
Mental pain is the basic ingredient of suicide. Edwin Shneidman calls such pain �psychache� [1], meaning an ache in the psyche. Shneidman suggested that the key questions to ask a suicidal person are �Where do you hurt?� and �How may I help you?�. If the function of suicide is to put a stop to an unbearable flow of painful consciousness, then it follows that the clinician�s main task is to mollify that pain. Shneidman (1) also pointed out that the main sources of psychological pain, such as shame, guilt, rage, loneliness, hopelessness and so forth, stem from frustrated or thwarted psychological needs. These psychological needs include the need for achievement, for affiliation, for autonomy, for counteraction, for exhibition, for nurturance, for order and for understanding. Shneidman [2], who is considered the father of suicidology, has proposed the following definition of suicide: �Currently in the Western world, suicide is a conscious act of self-induced annihilation, best understood as a multidimensional malaise in a needful individual who defines an issue for which the suicide is perceived as the best solution�. Shneidman has also suggested that �that suicide is best understood not so much as a movement toward death as it is a movement away from something and that something is always the same: intolerable emotion, unendurable pain, or unacceptable anguish.
Strategies involving restriction of access to common methods of suicide have proved to be effective in reducing suicide rates; however, there is a need to adopt multi-sectoral approaches involving other levels of intervention and activities, such as crisis centers. There is compelling evidence indicating that adequate prevention and treatment of depression, alcohol and substance abuse can reduce suicide rates. School-based interventions involving crisis management, self-esteem enhancement and the development of coping skills and healthy decision making have been demonstrated to reduce the risk of suicide among the youth. Worldwide, the prevention of suicide has not been adequately addressed due to basically a lack of awareness of suicide as a major problem and the taboo in many societies to discuss openly about it. In fact, only a few countries have included prevention of suicide among their priorities.
Reliability of suicide certification and reporting is an issue in great need of improvement. It is clear that suicide prevention requires intervention also from outside the health sector and calls for an innovative, comprehensive multi-sectoral approach, including both health and non-health sectors, e.g., education, labour, police, justice, religion, law, politics, the media. REFERENCES
[1] Shneidman ES. Suicide as psychache. A clinical approach to self-destructive behavior. Nortvale, Aronson, 1993.
[2] Shneidman ES. Definition of suicide. Northvale, Aronson; 1985.
© BENTHAM eBOOKS | 情感 |
2014-15/0341/en_head.json.gz/1676 | Seeking Meaning in Life and Business: A New Year's Resolution
The beginning of a new year is a time for reflection; especially for our region which has been tested in the new century in significant ways by the violence of 9/11; the Great Recession; Super Storm Sandy; the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting; the recognition that evil does not respect innocence.
Many of us will begin the New Year with grief, regrets, resentments and fears. In our more contemplative moods the passing of time may lead us to raise existential questions regarding our personal mortality or that of loved ones. These sentiments are natural and experienced by us all.Finding meaning in our lives is important because spiritual and individual balance allows us to be more effective in all facets of our lives whether it is in business, with our professional or personal relationships or simply our relationship with self. Most importantly, self-realization promotes fulfillment and allows us to feel safe, accepted, loved, loving, and alive.In the modern age, the meaning of life has become less about our relationship with God and more about determining human purpose and meaning without reference to supernatural influences. Science disputes the traditional assessment of humans as the special conceptions of God with a special place in the scheme of creation. Science tells us that we are descended from simpler life forms and denies the beliefs and morals that once sustained us.One of the most enduring philosophical movements of our time, Existentialism, posits that life is not determined by supernatural forces or earthly authorities and that each person must create meaning for their own life. Existentialist ideas arose at a time, similar to the present age, when there was a deep sense of despair. World War I, the Great Depression and World War II extinguished the spirit of optimism that had pervaded Western thinking in the 19th Century.Existentialism encourages us to constantly assess existence and the way we find meaning in the world. We are born first and then we spend a lifetime defining our "essence" or nature. Our foremost concern must be finding self and the meaning of life through free will, choice, and personal responsibility. We are compelled by existence to choose the meaning of our lives without the help of laws, traditions or religion.
In The Tragic Sense of Life in People and Nations, Spanish philosopher, Miguel de Unamumo, expresses the anguish of modern individuals caught up in the struggle between the dictates of reason and the demands of their own hearts. While The Tragic Sense of Life was written in 1921, Unamuno's conversation regarding the conflict between faith and reason and our existential concern with life and death consumed the twentieth and continues to be relevant to us in the twenty-first century.Albert Einstein did not deem science and spirituality to be in irreconcilable opposition. He believed that, "A human being is a part of the whole, called by us Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."Viktor Frankl, an Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, reconciled science, spirituality and existentialist thought into a new and powerful psychotherapy. He was the founder of a form of existential analysis called the "Third Viennese School of Psychotherapy" or "logotherapy" (which literally means 'therapy through meaning'). While incarcerated in the Nazi death camps, Frankl observed that those who found meaning in life were the most likely to survive. He observed that, "Other things being equal, those apt to survive the camps were those oriented toward the future—toward a task, or a person, waiting for them in the future, toward a meaning to be fulfilled by them in the future."Frankl found that many people who suffer greatly lack a sense of meaning in life. He believed that up to 25 per cent of the population in the West suffered from a feeling of meaninglessness, the cure for which is to help the person activate what Frankl called the "defiant power of the human spirit" and bring it to bear on current life situations to bring about a change that is healing.Basically, logotherapy is an existential therapy in that it believes that every person has an innate desire to find meaning which provides us with our principal motivation for living. Unlike other schools of existentialism, which propose that life has no meaning except what we give it, Frankl believed in a spiritual force within us manifesting itself through us.Like Albert Einstein and Viktor Frankl, I do not believe that spirituality and reason are in contradiction. I believe that humans, who are real, hunger for food that is real, and they thirst for water that is also real. Actual things are always the objects of human yearning, and so it is with the eternal, for which we have the greatest of yearnings.From the beginning of time, the world has been divided into the dominion of the good and of the evil. Between these, humans are bound to choose. We are good or evil according to our choices. From human freedom of decision, it follows that we are responsible for our fate.
We ourselves are the causes of all the good and all the evil in our moral universe. We must contemplate every choice we make and decide wisely, respecting the natural and moral laws of Creation. Only then will we make perfect and timeless choices, and fulfill our destiny to renew the world.Suffering has a cause, namely craving and attachment. But there is a path to freedom from affliction: It is based in a belief in a singular force that unites all facets of existence. Inanimate things and living beings alike are the manifestation of the One.True religions lead to the same goal, so we must revere all great teachers and prophets. Their teachings throughout the ages are the same eternal truths modified to reflect the needs of different peoples at different times.Whether we find meaning in life by knowing that we were created by a God with a special place in creation set aside for us; whether we take solace in knowing that we ascended from primordial life forms and all life is united by its common ancestral bonds; whether we assert that we are compelled by existence to choose the meaning of our lives without the help of laws, traditions or religion; Frankl was correct that without meaning, we are destined to a life of despair.We have the power and the freedom to determine who we are and what gives meaning to our lives. In my life, I have found the challenge with freedom is that it represents both liberation and accountability. As Sigmund Freud observed, "Most people do not really want freedom, because freedom involves responsibility, and most people are frightened of responsibility."After US soldiers liberated Viktor Frankl from the concentration camps on April 27, 1945, he learned that his wife, Tilly, had been transferred from Auschwitz to the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp where she died. Frankl's mother Elsa was killed by the Nazis in the gas chambers of Auschwitz, and his brother Walter died working in a mining operation that was part of Auschwitz. Among Frankl's immediate relatives, the only other survivor of the Holocaust was his sister Stella who had escaped by emigrating to Australia.Frankl recalled that while in the concentration camps and thinking about his love for Tilly,"A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth – that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire. Then I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss, be it only for a brief moment, in the contemplation of his beloved. In a position of utter desolation, when man cannot express himself in positive action, when his only achievement may consist in enduring his sufferings in the right way—an honorable way—in such a position man can, through loving contemplation of the image he carries of his beloved, achieve fulfillment."If under the circumstances of his existence in the harsh conditions of a concentration camp, Frankl was able to embrace the freedom to choose life, we can too! | 情感 |
2014-15/0702/en_head.json.gz/13738 | example: life, funny (comma separated)example: Einsteinexample: one small step for manSearch HelpAdvanced Search “Disenchantment, whether it is a minor disappointment or a major shock, is the signal that things are moving into transition in our lives.”
William Bridges
Losing Love
“We understand this is a transition and we think everybody else understands this is a transitional process.”
Understands
“It's a transitional year. And we're going to be in transition for longer than a year.”
“This was an immensely difficult transitional year, and it is disappointing to report such a sharp drop in profits.”
“I would look at this transition to 1998 as very much of a transitional one where it's going to be back to fundamentals... where real strong understanding of the companies in your portfolio and a research-focus is what's going to make the difference with investors.”
Jessica Bibliowicz
“After completing a strong first quarter, we are very disappointed with the product transition setback that we announced on April 19.”
Setback
“We're not going to hide behind the fact that we had a disappointing season in this year of transition. But it didn't break us apart and in my opinion it has really helped us come closer together. I think we're very hungry and we're ready to show everybody that we can become a great college basketball team.”
Tommy Dempsey | 情感 |
2014-15/0703/en_head.json.gz/8263 | If You Ain’t No Punk, Holler WE WANT PRE-NUP!
Posted by BeckySharper in Thoughts, Marriage, Pre-Nups, Unexpected Consequences on Sep 9, 2009, 2:54pm | 33 comments
Congrats. Now cover your assets. Via BestPix Photography @ Flickr.
I’ve just spent a couple weeks hanging out with friends who are getting married. It’s been fun, and I’m happy for them, but I’ve been surprised by how so many of them–perfectly intelligent, educated, successful professional women–seem to think that their looooove will gloss over all the icky risks and realities of married life…including divorce. Not one of them has paused to consider the very serious legal and financial implications of marriage. To a certain extent, you can’t blame them. Our media culture–movies, novels, reality TV, ladymags–constantly force-feed women a diet of unrealistic romance whose only goal is to tie off every storyline with a fairy-tale wedding. What comes after is unimportant, because, y’know, you’re married. Problem is, if you wind up in divorce court–as happens about 50% of the time for first marriages and even more often with second marriages–you will find out real fast that marriage has some very unpleasant legal ramifications that your fairy godmother didn’t warn you about.
That’s when you–and your spouse–may wish you had a prenuptial agreement. For a full explanation of how prenups work, who needs them, and how to contract them, go here.
Back in the days when men made all the money, it used to be that pre-nups’s sole purpose was to protect wealthy men from fortune-hunting women (as Kanye West eloquently describes in the lyrics to “Golddigger”–which are the title of this post). These days, however, women are making money, buying homes and owning businesses, and they are asking for pre-nups. It’s trend which can only be good for womanity.
I am an unashamed fan of pre-nuptial agreements, in large part because I live in a state with outdated and notoriously difficult divorce laws. There is no such thing as “no-fault” divorce in New York, as there is in other states. One party has to bring suit against the other, forcing even amicable splits to become adversarial, and turning non-amicable ones into living nightmares. New York is also a community property state, which means that anything acquired during the marriage–or any debts incurred–must be split 50/50 upon divorce, regardless of who earned the money or who racked up the debt. The only people who benefit are the lawyers. Everyone else usually winds up with a lot less money and long-lasting emotional damage.
Author Elizabeth Gilbert, of Eat Pray Love fame, describes her interminable–but not exceptionally so–divorce thusly:
The divorce–long after I’d walked out on the marraige, was still not happening. I started doing dreadful things out of my worst divorce nightmares, like writing damning legal accusations (required by New York State law) of his alleged mental cruelty–documents which left no room for subtlety, no way in which to say to the judge “Hey, listen, it was a really complicated relationship and I made huge mistakes too and I’m very sorry about that, but all I want is to be allowed to leave.”
He wanted the cash and the house and the lease on the Manhattan apartment–everything I’d been offering the whole while. But he was asking for things I’d never considered, a stake in the royalties of books I’d written while we were married, a cut of possible future movie rights to my work, a share of my retirement accounts.
It took Gilbert–who at that point in her career was earning a good living, but was hardly wealthy–more than two years to settle her divorce, because of claims and counter-claims and disputes over marital property. At the end of that chapter, she adds a wry note:
Here, I pause to offer a prayer for my gentle reader: may you never, ever have to get a divorce in New York.
Elizabeth Gilbert recently remarried–it’s the subject of her about-to-be published follow-up book–and I think it’s a safe guess that she had an iron-clad prenup this time around, in order to spare her another soul-sucking round of “cover your assets” (especially as she made a small fortune off the book sales and movie rights for Eat Pray Love).
Like Gilbert, there are more women realizing–sometimes belatedly–just how damaging a divorce can be to their finances and peace of mind. A recent article in the Guardian looked at the rising number of women asking for pre-nups:
“We’re moving on as a society where women are a bit more realistic about relationships and whether or not they’re going to endure,” says Amandeep Gill, an associate of the law firm Davenport Lyons. “Times have changed. These days, you’ve got far more women in the workplace, they’ve generated wealth independently and, particularly if you’ve got a woman marrying later on in her thirties or forties, it’s natural to want to protect one’s wealth.”
I once sat with a lawyer and drafted a pre-nup for my own anticipated marriage. We both owned homes, had retirement accounts and roughly equal net incomes, and he had a lot of debts and liabilities–child support, credit card debt and a big, ARM mortgage. I wanted to make sure that if things didn’t work out, that I wouldn’t be stuck with his debt nor could he claim a share of my earnings, as Elizabeth Gilbert’s ex did. Things broke down for other reasons, and the papers were never filed, but I’m grateful for the experience–I received a good education in how to protect myself financially from the consequences of divorce.
There are still the nay-sayers, though, who think that a prenup–by confronting the possibility of divorce–somehow disrespects or dooms the marriage.
To some women, though, the idea of planning the divorce before the marriage has even begun makes a mockery of the vow ‘for richer, for poorer’. Mother of two Julie Spalding, 32, from Dorking, married banker David, 36, four years ago without a prenup. Even now, mid-recession, Julie doubts whether they would have proposed the idea. “I don’t know if I would have signed it. The whole notion of marriage is that it’s forever, so if I thought that David was thinking ‘Well, if our marriage ends …’ then that’s quite sad really. I think I would have been disappointed and slightly offended.”
This is akin to the ass-backwards argument that being knowledgeable about birth control makes a woman slutty. A pre-nup doesn’t make you more likely to end your marriage–it just protects you from the worst of the consequences if you do.
I also suspect there’s a gender element to this particular woman’s distaste for the pre-nup. If it had been Julie who was the banker and breadwinner, instead of David, she might not have felt a pre-nup was “quite sad.” She was in her 20s when they married, and quit working, so it wouldn’t be to her advantage to have a pre-arranged division of property, because none of the money or assets coming into the marriage were hers. A stay-at-home mom who’s dependent on her husband is better off suing for a generous settlement in the divorce. (Although it should be noted here that prenups are not actually enforceable in England as they are in the US, but judges will take them under advisement during divorce proceedings)
Some of us, however, have income and assets we’d hate to part with. I don’t care how much I love a man–my financial security is hard-won and vitally important to me, and any man worth his cojones will appreciate that. In fact, if he didn’t, that would be a big red flag. Says another woman interviewed by the Guardian:
As unromantic the proposal might sound, Williams believes prenups are a basic financial decision. “It is 100% practical and it has nothing to do with love and romance. Prenups create more certainty and it will also protect us from each other’s debts. I deeply love my partner and we are devoted to each other. I worked extremely hard for my money and my partner appreciates my intentions.”
Unless you’re willing to risk your financial stability for the sake of a rosy and idealized vision of marriage, or you trust that you’ll marry a rich man who will generously kick some of his money your way if you divorce, for the love of Dog, ladies, get the pre-nup.
33 Responses to “If You Ain’t No Punk, Holler WE WANT PRE-NUP!”
BearDownCBears says: September 9, 2009 at 3:53 pm I was discussing with my girlfriend the other night how I think the residual emphasis on permanence when it comes to wedding vows is dissonant with modern reality. One of the reactions to Sandra Tsing Loh’s piece in the Atlantic a couple of months ago proposed that we don’t look at divorce as massive failures, merely the natural end of a good college try. This stuck with me, and made me consider how much less neurotic we would be about divorce if the vows were tweaked to focus more on the present tense rather than obsessing about infinity and beyond. One problem with traditional marriage vows is that they make hypocrites out of us when we divorce, unless we come equipped with a reason our partner has “dishonored” us. And since so many marriages end because of money matters, that “richer or poorer” stuff is obviously a load of crap for at least one of the pair, so why should we, as a culture, put them up to it?
And that would make people feel less bad about pre-nups, I suppose.
emilyanne says: September 9, 2009 at 3:53 pm while I agree wholeheartedly – this is what my pre-nup would look like: my ridiculous debts plus his ridiculous debts x my book collection minus his dvds = sweet fa for both of us and childhood a la Dickens in a debtors jail for the kids.
Melly says: September 9, 2009 at 3:54 pm I offered to sign a pre-nup when I got engaged because my husband was entering the marriage with considerably more money than I had. He didn’t take me up on it and found the whole conversation very uncomfortable but I was more than willing to do so. I do admit I wanted to be the one to offer. I don’t know how I would have felt to be asked but I would have done it. I think for many people money is hard to talk about and many couples don’t even discuss basic money management before marriage – let alone a pre-nup. In my experience, many families don’t talk about money at all, its a taboo subject.
I’m sure part of the reason I offered to get a pre-nup was because I know my father made the same offer to my stepmother when he got remarried. Again, that was a case where she had more money than he did. | 情感 |
2014-15/0704/en_head.json.gz/17863 | Farr Better Matches offers options for singles and couples
DANVILLE — Local matchmaking service Farr Better Matches is gearing up for the next stage of its relationship.
“We have been evolving for about a year and a half,” said owner Darla Farr.
The business just moved earlier this month from Railroad Street to a new office on Mill Street, right above Fulton Financial Advisors.
Farr said her vision and mission has changed a bit from when she started and now seeks to blend her private counseling practice, which she has run for 13 years, with the services offered by Farr Better Matches. “Slowly we’ve finally worked out all our glitches,” she said.
Farr’s private practice focuses on relationships and the components involved. Farr Better Matches was a natural evolution of this, she said. “It just made sense for me to start on the front-end instead of the back-end,” she said. “I believe unless we know how we operate in relationships, we’re likely to repeat some of the same patterns of behavior.”
The services offered by Farr Better Matches include a variety of singles events and mixers. A scavenger hunt was held in the Danville area Saturday, June 22, and other events have included miniature golf, hiking, bowling, get-togethers at local restaurants and camp fires.
A “Summer Fest on the Mountain” will be held in July at a site overlooking the marina next to Shikellamy State Park.
Farr also recently hired an events planner who is investigating additional events such as a make you | 情感 |
2014-15/0705/en_head.json.gz/15105 | B. Highlights from My Week* I sped through a red light even though I saw a patrol car perched on the other side of the road. I don't know what it is about skirting my life and the law that attracts me. Could I be a criminal in the making?* I'm by myself and the band is playing and I really want to dance. "C'mon, Dao, just go. You can do it." "I don't know, it's kind of weird, a guy dancing by himself". "And I suppose it would be easier if you were a girl?" "okay, now." "okay, now." Go!* I detest grocery shopping. Really, it's not one of my favorite activities. Shopping in general, I would say. That's why when I go to the store it's dim sum shopping for me. Like how at dim sum restaurants they cart out all these great looking goodies, I go around and peak at what other people are buying and go "hmm...na...hmm...that's looks interesting...oh! I've got to have that box of cheez-its"* I was just thinking how much I love leftovers. You go through your fridge thinking, man, what is there to eat? Oh yea! that pizza from last week!A. People I've met* there's a tattooed hard-looking dude who organizes the basketball games where I play pick-up. His name is Julian and he looks like he's not unfamiliar with the texas penal system. I can't quite figure him out. He has a perpetual scowl like a lot of the guys that play pick up ball but he also always says hello when I come by. I think inside everyone is a softie.* I've been hanging out with a friend named shin. He's a miniature japanese guy with a bruce lee cut who smokes cigars. I don't know what it is but I've always enjoyed spending time with people from different countries. It's kind of like traveling or hanging out at a youth hostel. There's a feeling of adventure about it all.C. Lessons I've learned* life is like bicycling a series of hills and valleys. You make the most of the momentum when it's easy riding/coasting and use that time to prepare for the inevitable climbs/hills. So, for example, if you're motivated to go on a diet, don't go gung-ho and run a marathon, use that motivation to set up an environment that is conducive to success. Go enlist in a gym membership, stack your fridge with healthy foods, call up a buddy and enlist him/her to go on the diet with you. You will find that time setting up the environment when you're motivated (coasting downhill) will create less work or reluctance when you're not (climbing uphill).* patience cannot be an excuse for complacency* it's not winning that matters but the motivation to continue improvingD. Random Thoughts* I think half of the excitement in life is the build up, we should build up everything we do. Like how they hype boxing matches or football games. We can do that everynight before we go to bed, looking forward to our day tomorrow, really make a big deal of it and sure enough I think we wake up feeling more energized. | 情感 |
2014-15/0705/en_head.json.gz/20288 | How do I help my dad?
Rubystars
FitDay Member
My dad is very overweight, he's on medications for cholesterol, etc. He has been told by his doctor that he must lose weight. He's in his mid-60s and very set in his ways. He has said he wants to lose weight, and he has made some improvements, such as using stevia in his coffee instead of sugar. However in other ways he just doesn't seem to really want to commit to it. He still eats very large portions of food and refuses to weigh or measure them. I think he's eating at least two times more calories than he thinks he is.
When he pours a bowl of cereal, he doesn't use the food scale to measure the grams serving and he doesn't even use a measuring cup, he just dumps the cereal into the bowl by eye. Same for milk, no measuring cup, just pours it in there, as much as he pleases. He's not losing any weight this way even though he thinks he's eating lower calories.
He seems to think if something is "healthy food" that he can eat as large a portion of it as he wants. This is obviously not true.
I'm very angry and upset with him because I feel like he's being selfish. I've told him before that when he gets older and needs my help that it's going to be very difficult for me if he's very heavy to help him do things like get to a bathroom. He'll also be more prone to things like bed sores if he's super heavy.
He eats way too much meat, even though he's been told he's only supposed to eat a deck of cards sized portion by a | 情感 |
2014-15/0706/en_head.json.gz/9127 | ADVERTISEMENT Hax: Affairs put marriage on shaky ground Article by: CAROLYN HAX
Hi, Carolyn: A year ago (and a year after my wedding) I found out that during the wedding planning, my spouse had an affair. Since we had been married a year and I loved him, I wanted to stay and work on the relationship.
Recently I found out that he had been talking to some other woman, and told her he was divorced and living with his ex-wife in separate bedrooms. At that point I packed my car and drove home from Colorado to Virginia, where I’m from.
He says he’s sorry, that he’s been in counseling, that he’s never giving up. We have no kids, no mortgage, no shared assets — I’m 25 and he’s 27, and my entire relationship with him has been about him, not who I want to be.
Part of me feels like I got a do-over to live my life the way I want to, but am I giving up too easily? I’m not sure I can look past the hurtful things he’s done, but I don’t want to leave without trying everything.
Carolyn says: As it happens, I just referred in a recent column to the importance of doing all you can to save a marriage (http://wapo.st/19HHlKh). But that advice rested on a presumption there was intimacy in their relationship once, and therefore the goal was to restore it.
In your case, your two revelations — the affair while planning your wedding and the lie-infused extracurriculars while you were supposedly working on your marriage — suggest there was never any intimacy to begin with. Instead, they suggest there was only the illusion of it, the illusion of a marriage, while your husband devoted his attention to serving his own needs on the side.
Given all you know now, does that sound about right?
Maybe it doesn’t, or maybe you have your own reasons for “trying everything,” be it your conscience or your respect for the institution of marriage or your desire for a vaccine against future regrets. No one should talk you out of those.
Maybe, too, your husband is the rare exception who isn’t groveling just because he got caught and because he now stands to lose his sturdy platform from which to indulge himself, and instead he really is doing the hard work to get well from the treatable ailment that happens to be the sole cause of his taking shameless advantage of you.
By all means, wrestle with these possibilities.
However, anyone who has been betrayed and insulted as you have also has earned the right to skip “trying everything” on a marriage that, pardon the grim analogy, is plainly DOA.
E-mail Carolyn at tellmewashpost.com or chat with her at 11 a.m. each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com. | 情感 |
2014-15/0706/en_head.json.gz/9546 | my life. my thoughts. my blog. this is about me. you've got nothing to do with this... well, maybe a little. =)
Joe D' Mango's Love Story
Just got this from a forum and I thought it would be nice to share this story. Sorry for the layout. I just copy-pasted lazily.DISCLAIMER: I'm not sure if this is authentic. Let's take it as fiction based on a true story.Joe D'Mango's Love Story. Of course you've heard of Joe D'Mango. He gives advice on love and relationships on Wave 89.1 ( Philippines ) . Have you ever wondered what he does when he has his own love problems? Does he give advice to himself? Does he handle it very well? Three fridays ago, our guru on relationships, Joe D'Mango, read a letter to his wife on his popular radio program Love Notes. For the past 11 years, he had been giving advice to people who would write him letters about their personal problems. To the surprise of his listeners that Friday, instead of reading one of his usual letters, he read one that he had written himself to his wife Bing. Joe felt that he had to tell his listeners that even someone like him could go through a marital crisis, but that he survived it. Here's how his letter goes: In our 11 years of marriage it was just the two of us. I never had a close circle of friends and she never had one either. Life for us was just "you and me," day in and day out. We were literally sleeping beside each other for 11 years. It came to a point that there was nothing more interesting to talk about. I was aware I was doing that but I never did anything about it. We were so close yet it seemed like we were so distant. Then came her new circle of friends. They recently had an elementary and high school reunion. Remember her persistent suitor since elementary days? He was there. We already had four daughters and the guy had four kids of his own. They exchanged phone numbers. They started to text each other and this bothered me. A big part of it was insecurity and other part was that she once denied that she was texting the guy. I felt bad because she started hiding things from me. Then the guy asked her if they could meet for lunch. It became a source of tension between us. I finally agreed, but before that, I told her that I felt that I was going through the same pain again. I have seen so many stories like this. If you told me the first part of the story, I would already know where it would lead to. Bing accused me of being a "know-it-all" person. But deep in my heart, I knew where she was heading. Why would a married guy see a married girl unless it was for business or professional reasons? Finally, even if it was against my will, I drove her to the meeting place. While I was waiting at the radio station, I wanted to call her but knew it wasn't proper. So I just waited for her to tell me how their meeting went. When she related to me what happened I felt that she was keeping the other details. I was afraid to ask because I wasn't prepared to accept her answers. I told her that it would be best if that was their last meeting. She got mad and told me that I was starting to control her life. The following day, I saw a small, torn piece of paper that had the words, "lose you" in the trash can at home. I started picking up the pieces of paper and putting them together. She had written: "Felt sad because I felt that this will be our last meeting." "Wanted to hug you..." Before I could figure out what the third one was, Bing was already at my back. She wanted to get the torn pieces of paper back. She said it was private property. We decided to talk. By then, I was able to figure out the third line: "Not sure if afraid to lose you." She had crossed it out and beside it, she had written, "Wanted to cry." That was what hit me. How could you lose something that's not even with you yet? That was a confirmation that she was getting emotionally attached to the guy. We fought because she didn't want to admit it. She said that what she had written was all about friendship and not about love. For the first time in our marriage she asked for freedom from me. For 11 years we were always together, and now this. She had discovered her own little world and wanted to explore it. I didn't want to give it to her but finally I gave in. I told her that she could do anything she wanted and not worry about how I would feel. In fact, I told her that I was planning to leave her and kids for a while so we could give each other the chance to be alone. We decided to give the new arrangement a try. The following day, Thursday, I went to work early and she texted me. I never answered back. When I didn't respond, she called me. She said, "I'm sorry. I love you and I miss you." For the first time in our mariage I said, "I love you and I miss you too" with tears in my eyes. I realized how much I loved her but I also knew how much she wanted her freedom. When I arrived at the station I asked for a leave. My boss advised me to think it over, but he said that he would allow me to go on leave. After letting it all out I felt relieved. It was the first time in my life that I asked for advice about our relationship. While I was talking with my boss, a messenger arrived with 12 white roses arranged in a basket. It came from Bing. Then a text message on my cellphone came, "I know that no material things can ease the pain that you're feeling right now, but these flowers signify my pure and sincere intentions. I'm really sorry. Please forgive me." Still, a question continued to bug me: "I'm giving you the freedom. Will you choose to stay or go on?" I read the card, and it had the answer to my question: "Dear Dad, I finally realized that I made a very big mistake in choosing a new-found friendship at the expense of our long-time friendship. Please forgive me. I wil always love you." Bing called the guy and told him that she wanted to end the friendship. He said that they could just text or call each other. Bing said that there was no need. We had dinner and talked up to 1 am. It was like getting married all over again. We lost each other and found our way back. I do not want to go through the same pain again. Friday came and it was the first time in the history of Love Notes that I couldn't do Love Notes. I scheduled a replay. When I was at the station at 9 am, I composed a letter to Bing. I was asking myself, should I read this or do a replay? I chose to read the letter. It is not unusual to hear people say "I love you because...," but this story has shown us that the deeper and greater love is having to say "I LOVE YOU IN SPITE OF..." Thought aloud by
yvaughn
a tearjerker... joe's experience may not be a novel one anymore as to what married couples encounter at one point or another. the key to making the marriage work is really asking for forgiveness and giving one. i admire his wife for acknowledging her transgressions (i like what she wrote on the card) and doing what she did (when you're married already, you don't just befriend another married man, not esp. your EX. yeah, it is best to end and let go of that friendship.), and i also admire joe for giving the gift of forgiveness... a very inspiring piece...
i'm in singapore... and loving it!
alphak800i
aha-hule komiks
ysilona | 情感 |
2014-15/0707/en_head.json.gz/10765 | Be a Calm(er) Mom
If you've found yourself shrieking at your child and regretting it this advice is for you.
By Julie Taylor
By istockphoto
My husband, our two kids, and I were enjoying an idyllic trip to Hawaii, driving up the winding (and dangerous) Road to Hana and taking in the beauty of the cliffs and coastline. And then it happened. For no apparent reason, my son, then age 5, threw a water bottle from the backseat toward my husband, and it hit the windshield with a ferocious bang. By some miracle, we didn't crash, but we did lose control...big-time. Both my husband and I were ranting, raving, screaming, threatening: "Why would you do that? Don't you know we could have been killed? Here we are taking you on the vacation of a lifetime, and you throw a water bottle for no reason?" And on and on we went, spewing way more venom than our preschooler could ever deserve or even comprehend, for that matter.
Tears began rolling down our son's cheeks, and his lip quivered as he fought back sobs. After what I'm sure seemed like an eternity to him, we calmed down and continued on our way, and I tried to bury the incident in the back of my mind. I had almost forgotten all about it when, a few weeks later, I replayed our Hawaii-trip video. There I was, recording a waterfall out the window of the car. I tucked the camera into its bag accidentally leaving it still recording and then the "water bottle incident" occurred. Though the screen was black, I heard my husband and myself screaming at our son, badgering him, shaming him. Then it was my turn to fight back tears. How could I have freaked out like that in front of my kids, at my kid? The rant sounded so much more vicious and vile than I remembered its having been, but there it was on tape proof that I was the worst mother in the world. I may have erased that incident from the vacation video, but I don't think I'll ever be able to erase it from my memory.
Like it or not, most of us parents flip out in front of our dear children from time to time. Sometimes the anger is aimed at them, other times not, but it's almost always a deeply unsettling experience. Fortunately, there are simple sometimes surprising steps you can take to repair the damage, not to mention avoid meltdowns in the future. The High Price of Losing ItFirst, recognize that regularly lashing out at or in front of your kids isn't par for the parenting course. It can do some very real damage to their psyches, says psychologist Matthew McKay, Ph.D., a professor at the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA, and coauthor of When Anger Hurts Your Kids. "Studies have shown that parents who express a lot of anger in front of their kids end up with less empathetic children. These kids are more aggressive and more depressed than peers from calmer families, and they perform worse in school. Anger has a way of undermining a kid's ability to adapt to the world," McKay says.
Gulp. And the younger the kid, the bigger the impact, experts say. "When children are little, you're their universe," says psychologist Robert Puff, Ph.D., author of Anger Work: How to Express Your Anger and Still Be Kind. "When you get angry, their world is shaken. By the time they get older, they have friends and other people in their lives to turn to, and that minimizes the impact." Also worth noting: The occasional, nonabusive freak-out is generally much less damaging than regular fireworks, which send a child the message that he or she is not safe and that there's something wrong with him, says McKay. That said, kids can actually learn an important lesson from seeing you lose your temper and then regain your cool. "This provides an opportunity to show kids that we all get angry, but what really counts is how we repair things afterward," says McKay. Here, the step-by-steps for doing just that.
When You Shriek at Your Kids
Real-mom meltdown: When Jennifer*, of Huntington Beach, CA, went to visit Disneyland with her three kids, she didn't realize the "happiest place on Earth" would be the setting for one of her ugliest parenting moments. "It was a big outing for us, and the park was very hot and crowded that day," she recalls. "Two of my kids have cystic fibrosis and could use a special pass to bypass the lines. But my 13-year-old went and lost his. Out of nowhere, I yelled, 'You've got to be bleeping kidding me. What the hell is wrong with you?' Immediately, my son started to cry. He had never heard me swear or be so mean to him, and he was devastated. Everyone standing around us was looking at me in disgust. I had to keep apologizing. Tears were streaming down my face because I had obviously hurt him so much."
A University of New Hampshire study found that 90 percent of parents admitted to having hollered at their children, ages 2 to 12, within the course of a year (the other 10 percent must have either been angels or had selective memories). To avoid a scream-fest, try this trick: In that white-hot moment of anger, visualize your child as a baby, says Sandra P. Thomas, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, and coauthor of Use Your Anger: A Woman's Guide to Empowerment. "Older kids and teens are not adorable like babies, and sometimes they can be very obnoxious," she explains. "When you remember them as the babies they once were, that can do some good." So can taking a break. "If you're able, take a time-out and walk into another room, even if it's just for a minute or two," says psychologist Laura J. Petracek, Ph.D., author of The Anger Workbook for Women. The key here is getting some literal distance from the situation and recovering your sense of calm.
If your anger has already boiled over, the most important thing now is to own up to what you've done wrong. Don't give in to the temptation to blame your child for triggering your outburst. "Say, 'I am very disappointed at your carelessness, but I shouldn't have yelled like that. It was wrong for me to lose it in that way, and I'm very sorry,' " advises Thomas. (Tip: Don't overdo the apology if you dwell on it, it can make a kid feel as if he's truly been victimized.) Then promise that you will try your best not to do it again, comfort your child as needed, and move on.
Next: How to Handle a Fight With Your Spouse
Parenting Teenagers
Where to Turn for Mom Advice
Give Advice (So Your Kid Will Take It)
Expert Grilling Techniques
Marriage Advice : Stop Having the Same Fight | 情感 |
2014-15/0707/en_head.json.gz/12994 | 
HomeAboutServicesDeVera's BlogResourcesContact Me
DeVera Jackson-Garber, LMFT
Compassionate Conversations for Change
DeVera Jackson-GarberLicensed Marriage and Family Therapist2 Crow Canyon CourtSuite 200San Ramon, CA [email protected] RSS Feed Home > DeVera's Blog > Thoughts on Parenting Adolescents07/06/08 08:51 It occurs to me that it would be important to state that my daughter has approved of me writing about our experiences. For the sake of helping others, she has been willing to sacrifice a certain degree of privacy. And, writing about these experiences has helped to solidify my learning.My daughter turned 17 last week and I experienced both a sense of joy and of loss. With each year that has passed I have had to adjust to the many changes that she has experienced developmentally. For instance, right now as she learns to drive and increasingly goes out with her friends at night, I have had to learn to trust that she would be okay. I remember a conversation that I had with co-workers about 5 years ago when I was unable to locate her after school. She was to get out of school around 2:30 pm, and I was trying to reach her at home around 3:30. It only takes about 20 to 30 minutes to walk home from school, so I began to panic when she wasn't at home. I was about to jump in my car and look for her. The fear had gripped me so that I did not care that I was in the middle of my workday. This was sometimes the way that fear worked on me. I was imagining that some stranger abducted her or that she was somehow injured "out there" in the big scary world: many parents' nightmare. Thank goodness that my friends were there. My colleagues talked with me, helped me to see the humor in my over-reaction, and helped me to settle down. They pointed out that, reasonably, I did not have to worry because Melody had shown such trustworthiness while growing up. I told them that I wasn't so much worried about her trustworthiness, but about the people out there who prey on others, the people over which I have no control. And, that is the bottom line: I have no control over the big world out there. I could spend my life sheltering her from potential harm, or I could allow her to have some space to breathe, to explore, to grow. I thank God for my friends that day. They helped me to stay on the ground when I was spinning out of control with fear. Sometimes we need others to help us to keep things in perspective. I will say this, however, I bought her a cellphone shortly after that experience so that I could keep closer tabs on her whereabouts. Please enable JavaScript to view the comments powered by Disqus.
DeVera Jackson-Garber 2014 | 情感 |
2014-15/0708/en_head.json.gz/5490 | Refuge: For women and children. Against domestic violence
Avon - The company for women
1in4women will experience domestic violence
The signs
Why help
It's not easy to know how to support a friend who is experiencing domestic violence, but you can make a difference.
If you have spotted any of the signs of domestic violence, the next step is to reach out and support your friend. For many women, talking to someone can be the first step towards safety. Once things are out in the open your friend may be able to see her situation more clearly. Talking about her experiences can make her feel stronger and less overwhelmed.
If your friend is experiencing domestic violence she may be feeling very alone. She might feel there is no help available. This is why it's so important for you to listen and offer non-judgemental support.
Should I get involved?
You may worry about whether you should offer support or not. Many people believe that domestic violence is a private matter, to be dealt with behind closed doors. But the reality is that domestic violence is a crime that will affect one woman in four at some point in her life. We all have a duty to break the silence and speak out against domestic violence.
However, remember that intervening and getting between your friend and her partner can be dangerous – for both you and her. As well as offering a listening ear, you can encourage her to contact Refuge for confidential, specialist support.
He seems like such a nice guy. How can I believe her?
An abuser often puts on a very charming face to the outside world, but behind closed doors he is controlling and unpredictable. He readily switches his behaviour - much like the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde character.
Is emotional abuse really that serious?
Domestic violence becomes more frequent and more severe over time. What starts out as emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. In the most extreme cases, it can end in murder. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging, if not more damaging than physical abuse. It can have serious effects on your friend's emotional and physical well-being.
What is she doing to make him angry?
Many abusers use blame to make the woman feel she deserves what is happening to her. But the reality is that violence is a choice an abuser makes and he alone is responsible for it. A man is not entitled to hit his partner.
If it's really that bad, why doesn't she leave? Leaving a violent partner takes a great deal of courage. On average it takes a woman seven attempts to leave before she makes the final break. She may feel too scared - her abuser may have threatened to harm her and her children if she tries to leave. He may have convinced her the abuse is her fault - that she deserves no better. He may be controlling her money, so she may be worried about how she will cope financially. She may simply not realise that there is help available.
Wouldn't she ask for my help if she wanted it?
There are many things that may be stopping your friend from seeking help. She may be afraid. Or she may feel ashamed and think that no-one will believe her. You can help break her isolation and encourage her to reach out and get support. How can I talk to her?
If you have spotted any of the signs of domestic violence, the next step is to reach out and support your friend. It might be helpful to remember the following:
Try to create a safe environment for her to talk to you about what's happening. She needs to know that you won't judge her. Only then will she feel safe enough to open up.
Remember that her partner may be monitoring phone calls, texts, emails and Facebook messages, so meet in person if you can.
Give her time. You may have to try several times before she will confide in you. Be patient – it can take time for a woman to recognise she is being abused, and even longer to make decisions about what to do. Recognising the problem is the first step.
Tell her openly that you are worried about her. For example: "You haven't seemed yourself lately. Is there anything you want to talk about? Is everything OK at home?"
Listen to her. Believe her. All too often, people do not believe a woman when she first discloses abuse.
Tell her that the abuse is not her fault. Many women who experience domestic violence blame themselves. But the truth is that violence is a choice – only the abuser is responsible.
Remind her that she's not alone. If her abuser has isolated her from friends and family, she could be feeling very lonely. Tell her that you are there for her, and that there are solutions.
Build up her confidence. Tell her she is incredibly strong and resilient for coping with what is happening. Focus on her strengths.
Encourage her to break her isolation. Building up her support networks may help her feel stronger and less isolated.
Remember – don't try to be the expert and don't judge her for her choices. You can support your friend by listening to her, believing her, encouraging her and reassuring her, but it is important that she contacts Refuge for specialist support.
If she tells you she is scared of her partner, tell her about Refuge www.refuge.org.uk If she says she is in danger, explain that domestic violence is against the law and the police can and should help her. It could save her life.
Encourage her to visit www.refuge.org.uk for more information and support
Let her know about the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Refuge and Women's Aid) - 0808 2000 247
And remember - in an emergency, call 999
But try not to do the following:
Don't tell her what to do. Encourage her to make decisions at her own pace. It is important that she regains control over her own life, however slow that process may be. Remember that her partner is controlling her - the last thing she needs is for her friends or family to do the same.
Don't tell her to leave her partner. Although you may be worried about her, she has to make that decision in her own time. It's natural to want your friend to be safe, but don't get frustrated if she doesn't make any decisions straight away. Leaving an abuser is the most dangerous time for a woman. Most domestic violence murders happen when a woman has just left her partner or when she is in the process of trying to leave her partner.
Avoid criticising her partner. This may make her feel embarrassed for staying with him, and less comfortable about talking to you.
Be patient with her and let her know you’re there. Don’t judge her. Leaving is a process. It takes time for a woman to regain control of her life. Remind her that support is available when she is ready.
Practical things you can do to help:
There are simple ways to help your friend to stay safe.
Offer to keep a spare set of keys, important documents and some cash, in case she needs to leave in a hurry.
If you are her manager or colleague, you can find more information about how to support a victim of domestic violence in the workplace in Refuge and Respect's Domestic Violence Resource Manual for Employers.
Provide her with information about local specialist domestic violence support - find out more about where she can receive help.
Agree a code word you can use if she is in serious danger and needs you to call the police.
Show your support and solidarity by wearing Avon's beautiful empowerment jewellery. With your purchase you'll help fund life saving support services, lobbying and education. Buy Avon empowerment jewellery from your local Independent Avon Representative or online at avonshop.co.uk.
Empowerment NecklacePrice £3.50
What if my friend is an abuser?
If you're worried that a friend may be abusing their partner, you may feel a mix of emotions. While you may be worried about where your loyalty should lie, you should try to keep the safety of the victim as your main priority. For more information, please visit: http://www.respectphoneline.org.uk/data/files/ff_of_perpetrators_leaflet.pdf
Would you know how to support a friend experiencing domestic violence?
Know the signs
There's no simple way to know whether your friend is experiencing domestic violence, but there are signs that you can look out for.
Domestic violence is not about a row “going wrong” or someone “losing control”. On the contrary, domestic violence is all about control.
Know how to help
If you're talking about our campaign on Twitter, please include our hashtag #supportafriend.
You can also follow us on Facebook here.
© Copyright Refuge 2009 - 2014Registered charity number 277424. A company limited by guarantee 1412276. | 情感 |
2014-15/0709/en_head.json.gz/1345 | Why Facebook Can Make You Happier.
Younger people don’t say this, but I’ve heard several people in an older age bracket make a similar argument recently: Facebook isn’t good for people’s happiness. “Instead of making plans and meeting face to face and doing things,” one guy told me, “everyone’s typing away in front of a screen, alone. It’s terrible for human relationships.”
I disagree. True, meeting face to face is more energizing, more fun, and strengthens ties better. But not using Facebook because it isn’t as good as meeting in person is an example of letting the perfect be the enemy of the good.
In my own experience, Facebook allows me to manage ties to a much larger group of people than I could possibly manage in a more direct way. It makes it practical to keep track of people through many changes of email, address, etc. It gives me a quick way to reach out to friends, and also a low-key way to connect with people whom I wouldn’t feel comfortable calling or even emailing. And I’m sure not going to write a letter!
Perfect example: This morning I had coffee with a friend, “Jane,” whom I hadn’t seen in many years. We met when, a year after college, I moved to San Francisco for ten months and lived with my college roommate, who was dating a guy who had a bunch of friends from college, including Jane — we all spent a lot of time together.
After I left San Francisco, I moved to New Haven, then to New York City, then to Washington, D.C., then back to New York. Jane moved from San Francisco to Cambridge, then to New York City, then to Kampala, then to Boston, then to Nairobi, then back to New York City. I always liked Jane a lot, but she wasn’t one of my closest friends, and I lost track of her. (As she told me, “You lose five people with every move.”) Recently she found me on Facebook, and we re-connected — tremendously fun and big happiness booster. It turns out we live thirteen blocks from each other! Everyone from ancient philosophers to contemporary researchers agrees that the KEY to happiness is strong ties to other people. We need need close, long-term relationships, we need to be able to confide in others, we need to belong, we need to give and receive support. Studies show that if you have five or more friends with whom to discuss an important matter you’re far more likely to describe yourself as “very happy.” If a mid-life crisis hits, one of the most common complaints is the lack of true friends. Anything that helps you hang onto your friends is going to make you happier.
Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at grubin, then the “at” sign, then gretchenrubin dot com. (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.
Tags: Other posts you might be interested in...
A happier version of schadenfreude.
Studies show that doing a good deed will make you happier – and here’s a (little) opportunity!
Does feeling more attractive make you happier?
Debate: do pets make us happier?
Did giving up my beloved chocolate-chip cookies make me happier? | 情感 |
2014-15/0709/en_head.json.gz/10453 | Sports Share this on:
When is the ideal time to get married?By Lyn Lomasi, The Frisky STORY HIGHLIGHTS15 women offer differing opinions on when is the ideal time to marrySome say when you're in unconditionally or completely in loveOthers say women should be able to support themselves before they wedSome say at any mature age, other women say wait until 30 or 40 to decide
(The Frisky) -- A lot of Americans get married. In fact, 70 percent of men and women 25 to 44 are married -- or have been. But how do you know when it's time to go from girlfriend and boyfriend to bride and groom? We asked 15 women from around the country to tackle this age-old question. "Never. But if you must, wait at least till the age of 40. No sense in wasting your youth on one man." --Elaine, Golden Valley, Arizona "When a woman is secure with herself, can support herself, and knows that the love she feels is reciprocated, then it's time to get married -- not a moment sooner." -- Kathlyn, Detroit, Michigan "When you've been engaged for 14 years. What can I say, I wanted to be sure he was the one for me!" - - Cathy, Baldwinville, Massachusetts "Anytime! Morning, noon, night; fall, summer, winter, spring. The perfect time to get married is when you are completely in love." -- Lisa, Houston, Texas "There isn't an ideal time to get married. People have been forced to believe there has been for many years, and many of those marriages have ended in divorce. Only you and your partner know when it's right, not society." -- Amy, Bryson City, North Carolina "I've learned that getting married later is a good idea. Once you've realized your goals and have matured, then I think it's safe to bring in someone else who is going to support you completely. My mother married my father in her mid-20s, and they just celebrated their 25th anniversary. That seems to be a long marriage these days, but I think it lasted because they had their priorities straight and recognized by one another. Too many of my classmates got married right after graduation, and six years later a lot of them are getting divorced or married again. I'd rather wait for that one person like my mother did. Divorce is too expensive." --Amanda King, Fairbanks, Alaska The Frisky: 8 signs you should unfriend someone on Facebook "Getting married is a huge step, and the perfect time is different for everyone. When you're absolutely certain that there is nobody else that would make you happy for the rest of your life, you've found 'The One.' You could find that person when you're 20, 35 or 45 -- it doesn't matter. There's no set rule, and you both need to be on the same wavelength on where your relationship stands." -- Marie, Chicago, Illinois "I think the best time for a woman to get married is when her heart and her head are both making the same choice." -- Christine, Sugarland, Texas "After three marriages, two of which failed, I think the best time to get married is after the age of 30. Don't bother with an expensive wedding. Marriage is the same no matter the price, but divorce can cost even more." -- Kimberly, Valparaiso, Indiana The Frisky: I married a nerd "The time to get married is when you find yourself in a relationship where compromise is king. You respect each other, pamper each other, and you don't feel the need to be with anyone else, ever, for the rest of your life. You disagree sometimes, but you don't scream and call each other names. You discuss things calmly and find reasonable solutions, and then you move on. You are able to be honest with each other and forgive each other, no matter how bad the situation. Neither one of you is more important than the other in the decision-making process. You work as a team to support each other through life. If any part of that equation is missing, don't bother. You'll be divorced faster than you were married." -- Jeanne, Denver, Colorado "The best time for a woman to get married is when she can support herself, with or without a man, but her man is willing to support her with no hesitation. There must also be true, undeniable love." -- Jen, Highlands Ranch, Colorado "For a woman, the ideal time to get married is when you can learn to appreciate a two-liter over a six-pack! For a man, the ideal time to get married is when you find someone who not only puts up with your two-liter, but also your mother..." -- Jamie, Birmingham, Alabama The Frisky: 7 romantic hotspots to avoid on Valentine's Day "The ideal time to get married is after you've dated enough guys to know that the dating scene is no longer for you. Then, only if you find a guy you want to spend every day with for the rest of your life. But only go into marriage knowing full well your days of dating other guys are over. People nowadays don't take marriage seriously enough." -- Cindy, Athens, Ohio "When you are mature enough to understand what marriage is really all about, and when you have met that one person you can commit to for the rest of your life." --Lisa, Copperas Cove, Texas "The ideal time to get married is when you are truly in unconditional love. Hopefully that happens before you have a houseful of kids!" -- Anna, Syracuse, New YorkTM & © 2010 TMV, Inc. | All Rights Reserved
Am I a heightest? The Frisky
Investigate your date before you go out with him The Frisky
Factors in making love last The Frisky
More Living
The secret life of my sixth grader
Black Friday, Cyber Monday and now #GivingTuesday
Why aren't robots doing my dishes yet? NewsPulse
Explore the news with NewsPulse » | 情感 |
2014-15/1165/en_head.json.gz/12274 | Dear Abby: Boyfriend’s heart isn’t in San Francisco on October 10, 2013 - 12:01 AM
Dear Abby: I have been with my boyfriend off and on for nine years. When I moved to San Francisco, we separated for a year, until he decided he wanted to move here. He has been miserable and depressed since he came. He misses his family and friends. His salary doesn’t go as far here, so he’s always short of money. He says he’ll move back east soon if things don’t get better, and it’s making me anxious.He does nothing to turn around his problems. How can I help him realize it takes time for a new city to feel like home and lessen my anxiety over his problems? – Anxious in the Bay Area Dear Anxious: Your boyfriend does not appear to be anywhere near as adaptable as you are. You didn’t mention how long he has been in California, but if it’s longer than six months and he’s still homesick, you may have a life-changing decision ahead of you. Would you rather live “in his world than live without him in” … San Francisco? Even if YOUR heart’s in San Francisco, HIS does not appear to be.
Limiting ‘I love yous’
Dear Abby: My boyfriend of nearly a year and I recently said “I love you” for the first time. Before he said it (he said it first) he told me he doesn’t want to start saying it “all the time” – wherein lies my dilemma. How often is too often?Please help because I’m confused, and I’m worrying that I’m hurting him because I haven’t said it since that night four days ago. I don’t want to smother him or make him feel uncomfortable.– How Much Is Too Much?Dear How Much: Not everyone is comfortable with verbal declarations of love, and your boyfriend may be one of them. Love is spontaneous, it’s a feeling – not a mathematical formula. Only your boyfriend can tell you how often is too often for HIM. However, if you are sharing a bed, you should be able to express yourself fully whenever you climb into it – and his reaction should be positive (if not reciprocal) when you do.
Keep retort simple Dear Abby: I am far from flat-chested (I’m a happy B-cup), but you wouldn’t call me “well-endowed.” My question is, why is it that friends and family members who have larger breasts constantly ask me if I would like some of theirs? I think it’s rude and, quite frankly, embarrassing. I would never turn the tables and say, “I’m feeling a little skinny. Could I have some of your fat?” What do I say when asked? – Perfectly Fine in Evanston, Wyo.Dear Perfectly Fine: A few responses come to mind; none that I’d print in a family newspaper. My advice is to keep it simple and nonconfrontational. Smile and say, “No thanks, I’m happy just the way I am!” P.S. In my opinion, a B-cup IS well-endowed.
This week People’s Pharmacy: Doctors cling to secret code of abbreviations Chad Kelly pays the price for attitude ‘The question’ takes aim at lawful guns Carolyn Hax: It’s OK for chaperone to protect teen’s privacy Dear Abby: Getting help for alcoholic husband Accountability in Sabreland will be a big deal with Murray People’s Pharmacy: Doctors cling to secret code of abbreviations Chad Kelly pays the price for attitude Is it really about “Mad Men” at all? Is “Fargo” about Fargo? Myers needs to perform like an elite player all the time Most Commented | 情感 |
2014-15/1165/en_head.json.gz/12490 | More daters turn to Web but still keep lips zipped
By Cara Kelly
Fri Dec 27, 2013, 12:49 PM CST
Online dating: More and more people are doing it, but no one wants to talk about it. On the record, that is.
A recent Pew study found that 11 percent of American adults have used online dating sites or mobile apps — a figure that was just 3 percent five years ago. Among Internet users who were currently single and looking for a partner, 38 percent had tried online dating.
Yet, according to the Pew study, 21 percent of Internet users agree with the statement: "People who use online dating sites are desperate." Pew notes that's an eight-percentage-point decline from 2005. Still, there seems to be lingering judgment about using a smartphone to find someone to love.
"I think people don't like to admit that they are having trouble in their romantic life," said Eli Finkel, a social psychology professor at Northwestern University. "That concern is misplaced. It is totally normal to figure out who is compatible for you."
Finkel, who with several colleagues published a critical analysis of online dating last year, has become a cheerleader of sorts for the practice. "In general, it is a great thing that exists."
Reggie, a 20-something operations manager for a nonprofit organization — who, like all the dating app users we talked to, preferred to give only his first name and occupation as biographical details when talking about the subject — said he tends to keep online dating out of most in-person conversations. Most of his friends do the same.
"We don't want to put something that is supposed to be like a dating, personal ad into our real world," he says. "I think that delineation, that separation from online-date persona and in-person social situations, is a real thing."
He also separates his online dating from his social-media activity. It's a form of image management, like his adherence to the "mom rule": keeping an online presence that he wouldn't be embarrassed for his mother to see. | 情感 |
2014-15/1165/en_head.json.gz/14613 | City & RegionColumns
Family Matters: Marriage takes a walk in the woods on July 25, 2013 - 12:01 AM
Not long after all the kids had left home, there was an evening when the husband and I were coming home from dinner, he was unlocking the door and I was standing close and we kissed. We both chuckled because it was like being 17 and on a first date. But it wasn’t a first date, it was just a couple who hadn’t had an extended pause together in a very long time.The silence of an empty house takes you back to when you first met and all the things that have happened between then and now. You realized you never looked this far into the future. You never really imagined what it would be like when it was just the two of you again. Who was he anyway? An even better question, who was I?“We’ve turned into the Bickersons,” a friend lamented after her last one left home. Five years later they were divorced.Much of a mother’s work vanishes with the kids. A big part of her is packed into cardboard boxes and tossed in the back of a car. And now it’s just you and Mr. Conversationalist over there who hasn’t spoken a word in 50 minutes. Had we ever thought this far ahead, as to what life would be like once it was the two of us again? Did we know we’d be so all-consumed by jobs, work and everyday demands, that the tender bond that first united us could grow a brittle crust?We were hiking around Jordan Pond in Acadia National Park on a short getaway as I was thinking precisely such grumpy thoughts. We had the trail and the pond to ourselves. The husband was alternately lagging behind and dashing ahead, framing photos, making pictures. It was spring and small green shoots were pushing up through the remains of winter. Hibernation season was over and life was awakening. The trail that circled Jordan Pond alternately broke into the sunshine and wound through the dark covering of the forest. It was a long, quiet, desolate hike.A rutting sound bounced off the hillside. I grabbed a long stick. It was a pitiful excuse for a weapon, but at least I might be able to poke the beast’s eye with it or at least tickle a funny bone. The husband caught up with me and heard the sound, too. Something large was on the hillside.“Do you plan to fight a bear with that stick?” the husband asked, smirking.“If I have to,” I said indignantly. “What do you propose? If something comes charging out of the woods, what is your plan?”“You take off running.”“Why would I take off running?” I ask.“You’d run for help.”“And what would you do?”“I’d stay with the bear so you had time to get away.”An accumulation of tiny resentments and petty grudges brought about by the busyness of family life suddenly melted away. Life is different now, but I am still loved by the one I chose to love all those years ago.Excerpted from Lori Borgman’s new book “My Memory is Shot; All I Retain Now is Water.” Contact the author at [email protected]. | 情感 |
2014-15/1165/en_head.json.gz/17021 | Relationship gone south? Here are the digital tools for you!
Blog entry: March 7, 2013, 12:21 pm | Author: SCOTT SUTTELL
Killswitch, Ex-Lover Blocker and Never Liked it Anyway might not mean much to those of us who aren't in the dating world, but they're becoming valuable tools to people such as Euclid resident Bettye Dewey who are trying to manage relationship breakups in the age of social media.“The pain of a breakup (now) is nourished by an endless real-time stream of Facebook status updates, Instagram photos and tweets about one's ex,” The New York Times reports. “Until recently, anyone with two fingers and a smartphone was subjected to this kind of self-torture. But a new set of apps and websites created to ease the pain of breakups may be changing that.”Killswitch is a mobile app that promises to “seamlessly and discreetly remove all traces of your ex from your Facebook.” It was released, defiantly, on Valentine's Day, the newspaper notes.Ex-Lover Blocker tries to tackle the impulse to reconnect. “Anytime you try to call an ex, the app sends a text message to your closest friends so they can come to your rescue before you make a tragic mistake,” The Times says. (It also posts an update on Facebook alerting the world of your imminent transgression.)Ms. Dewey, 29, favored Never Liked It Anyway, a website “on which spurned lovers can sell gifts from their exes that are too painful to keep,” the newspaper notes. It's essentially “the digital version of throwing your ex's stuff onto the street for a profit.”The Times says Ms. Dewey's marriage to a wealthy man ended bitterly two years ago when she discovered that he was having an affair — and buying another woman duplicates of gifts he bought for here.“After they split, Ms. Dewey was left with a pile of Louis Vuitton purses, Dolce and Gabbana dresses and Chanel jewelry that she didn't want to throw away, but couldn't bear to look at,” The Times reports. “So when she found Never Liked It Anyway, she was thrilled.”She tells the newspaper, “I mean, cathartic isn't even the word. I feel like I am puking this stuff out of my life.” This and that
Making it: A long Forbes.com analysis by demographer Joel Kotkin argues that “the real winners of the global economy have turned out to be not the creative types or the data junkies, but the material boys” — a trend that helps states including Ohio.While much of the media chatter is about a post-industrial world, Mr. Kotkin argues, “Over the past decade, the strongest regional economies (as measured by GDP, job and wage growth) have overwhelmingly been those that produces material goods.” Job growth is picking up in unfashionable industries such as agriculture and manufacturing, he writes.Also big: energy.“The energy boom could create more than a million industrial jobs nationwide over the decade both to supply the industry and as a result of lower energy costs, according to a recent PricewaterhouseCoopers study,” he writes. “This new industrial economy is already evident in those parts of the country embracing the energy revolution, notably Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Pennsylvania and Ohio.”He's no Buckeye: You might be a fan of Phil Mickelson, but the golf star probably won't be thrilled to see you up close, given that you live in Ohio.The Wall Street Journal breaks down some career numbers for Mr. Mickelson, who returns to the PGA Tour this week in the WGC-Cadillac Championship in Miami.Florida has not been kind to him; of Mr. Mickelson's 41 Tour wins, only three were on a course in Florida. In the Sunshine State, he's 3 for 54, meaning he has won only 5.6% of his tournament starts there.Among states that are regular stops on the Tour, “the only place Mickelson probably likes less than Florida is Ohio,” according to The Journal. In Ohio, he has only won once in 33 tries, a 2.4% success rate.This coach lays down the law: Bloomberg has a periodic video feature called “Stealth Lawyer,” about people who have law degrees but aren't working as lawyers, and the latest installment features a 16-minute interview with Daron Roberts, defensive quality control coach for the Cleveland Browns.Mr. Roberts, to say the least, has an unusual background for an NFL coach.He graduated from the University of Texas but never played football there. (He played high-level high school ball in Texas, though.) After graduation, he spent eight months working for former Sen. Joe Lieberman, and then went on to earn a master's of public policy degree from the John F. Kennedy School of Government at Harvard and a law degree from Harvard Law School.A sports law class in his second year of law school rekindled his interest in football, as did a chance to talk with Mike Leach, former coach of Texas Tech. Mr. Roberts began pitching himself to NFL teams and found a taker in Herman Edwards, then coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.One catch: He offered to work for free.“I knew I had to prove myself, and working for free” was one way to do that,” Mr. Roberts says.He's now in his seventh year of a coaching career that has taken him to the Detroit Lions, West Virginia University and now the Browns. Mr. Roberts says his legal training comes in handy because the precise language of the law also is a good tool in coaching. And on an informal basis, Mr. Roberts says he's able to offer direction for players with questions about issues such as divorce or real estate transactions.You also can follow me on Twitter for more news about business and Northeast Ohio. Reader Comments | 情感 |
2014-15/1166/en_head.json.gz/2146 | Home : For Parents : Stories From Parents
| | Don't Give Up Hope
Seven years ago our 38-year-old son was on a downward spiral of drinking that finally led to drugs: Meth to be specific. For more than one year we were in the dark about it until he was out of control—lost his job and had a son. We could not believe how naive and blind we were. Then it all started to make sense. The lack of money, the weird phone calls, the not showing up for family events, his actions, and his physical appearance.
For two years we tried desperately to get him help; one treatment program after another and always telling our son we love him. We ourselves started to attend recovery meetings, where we met other people going through the same thing.
Finally we realized that it was beyond our control. We were prepared for the worst and we told our son that we needed to take care of ourselves. We detached with love. He could always come to our house to shower and get a meal but he could not live with us, nor would we give him any money. Our son was arrested and we did not bail him out. He was so angry with us, but we told him we loved him. He was sentenced to go to a treatment program. He literally had only the clothes on his back, not even a pair of shoes, and it was winter. We told him to call when he was settled in and that we loved him.
He knew he was losing his family and possibly his son. That was three years ago. Today our son has gone through treatment, is working a program of recovery, and has custody of his son. We all take it a day at a time.
-- Larry & Peggy
(From Hope, Help & Healing: Personal Stories of Family Recovery)
He Thought He Could Handle It
Jason was the kind of person people were drawn to. He made friends easily and had a great sense of humor. He was a caring person and a loving son who respected his family. He was helpful around the house and in the winter he always shoveled our neighbor’s walk. He loved kids, he was active in his youth group and he often volunteered for various community projects--he even worked for the agency I work for, a community-based group in Middlesex County, New Jersey that works to prevent substance abuse.
When Jason was a little boy, he’d lie about little things. When he was seven years old and swore he had taken a shower, even though the tub was completely dry. He got caught in lies like that all the time, but as he grew into a young man we talked about it and he said he realized how silly it all was. I was convinced he had outgrown it. In December of 2003, I realized he had not.
Jason was finishing the first semester of his second year as a pre–pharmacy major at Rutgers University. Since his dorm was only 45 minutes away, he came home frequently on weekends. On Sunday, December 14, I remember saying goodbye to him at our front door. I caressed Jason’s cheek and told him I loved him.
The morning of December 17, 2003, my husband called me at work to tell me that the hospital had called to say Jason was brought to the emergency room. We met nearby and drove to the hospital together in silence. We couldn’t imagine what had happened.
I have relived that day in my mind so many times, and while I really can’t tell you exactly what the doctor said when we arrived at the hospital emergency room, the message was clear--my beautiful son was gone. Apparently, Jason had been abusing prescription drugs and had overdosed.
I thought to myself that this couldn’t be possible. I work in prevention and Jason knew the dangers. We believed that he was not using drugs--we talked about it often. I was so convinced that he was not using, it became a sort of joke between us--as he would leave home at the end of a weekend, I would frequently say, “Jason, don’t do drugs.” “I know, Mom,” he would say, “I won’t.” But he did.
In speaking with dozens of Jason’s friends after his death, we learned his abuse of prescription drugs may have started after he began college, and apparently escalated the summer before he died.
We learned that he used the Internet to research the safety of certain drugs and how they react with others. As a pre-pharmacy major, maybe he felt he knew more about these substances than he actually did. We also learned that he had visited several online pharmacies and ordered drugs from one Mexican pharmacy online. We found records that this pharmacy automatically renewed his order each month.
I think back to the last several months of my son’s life, trying to identify any signs I might have missed. I remember that sometime during his first year at Rutgers, I discovered an unlabeled pill bottle in Jason’s room. I took the pills to my computer and identified them as a generic form of Ritalin. When I confronted Jason, he told me he got them from a friend who’d been prescribed the medication. He wanted to see if they would help him with his problem focusing in school. I took that opportunity to educate him on the dangers of abusing prescription drugs and told him that if he really thought he had A.D.D (Attention Deficit Disorder), we should pursue this with a clinician. He promised he would stop using the drug; he even called the counseling office to make an appointment for an evaluation.
The only other sign I can remember is that one weekend when Jason was home I passed him in the kitchen and noticed that his eyes looked odd--his pupils were as small as pinpoints. I confronted him right there and then, asked him if he was “on something.” He said, “No, what’s wrong?” and went over to a mirror to see what I was talking about. He said that he didn’t know what was wrong--maybe it was because he was tired. I was suspicious, but his behavior was perfectly normal, so I let it go.
My son Jason made a difference in the world for 19 years, and he will keep making a difference now. By continuing to share his story, I hope to help other families avoid the kind of tragedy my family has suffered.
-- Linda
(Linda Surks began working in the substance abuse prevention field when Jason was six years old. With the full support or her employer, the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence (NCADD) of Middlesex County, Inc., she works to prevent other families from suffering the pain of a devastating loss.)
Getting the Message
The first time my daughter came home drunk, I’m embarrassed to say, I thought it was kind of cute. She was only 15, but she was swearing like a sailor. So I sloughed it off. But, unfortunately, it didn’t stop there and her behavior began to get more and more problematic.
For a kid who used to love school and had a lot of friends, things started to change, and by the time she was 17 my wife and I were truly concerned.
When we talked to people about it, they often expressed the idea that it was just a phase that would pass, but before long we realized it wasn’t getting any better.
We tried all the usual things – grounding her, telling her she couldn’t hang out with certain kids who seemed to be a bad influence, withholding her allowance, thinking this would limit her ability to get hold of alcohol. But nothing seemed to work.
The situation escalated and one night we got a call from the local police station. She had been involved in an altercation outside a popular fast-food hangout and had been taken into custody for public intoxication. Of course, she made a series of promises afterwards that she would stop drinking, but they never stuck and the merry-go-round continued.
Eventually, we got in touch with her school counselor, who put us in touch with NCADD. It was extremely hard for us to accept that our daughter had a problem with alcohol and to talk about it with somebody else. But the people at the local affiliate suggested a treatment facility specializing in adolescent substance abuse, and through this treatment center we began getting the message that alcoholism is a family disease and that we could – and should – actually get help for ourselves.
Our daughter went through the treatment program and has been back in school for a while now. It can be difficult for her at times, what with peer pressure and the way many teenagers act about alcohol and drugs. However, with the work that we’re doing as a family, she has been able to keep her recovery moving forward – and so have we.
We’ve been able to work through a lot of the hurts we all endured and have come to realize that our daughter has a disease. You can forgive somebody for having cancer; why not forgive them for having the disease of alcoholism?
Our family has our daughter back for the first time in a very long time. It is an indescribable feeling!
-- Peter R.
OverviewFAQ's/FactsTalking With ChildrenStories From ParentsPrevention TipsWhat to Look ForFamily HistoryHelp for Parents | 情感 |
2014-15/1166/en_head.json.gz/4427 | In English Choosing Your Mood
Have you ever been in a bad mood that you just can't shake? Or had a pile of homework but realized you're not in the mood to get it done? Sometimes we feel at the mercy of our moods — but moods aren't things that just happen to us. We can influence and change them. What's your favorite type of exercise for improving mood? Being able to choose the mood that's best suited to a situation is one of the skills of emotional intelligence. Choosing the right mood can help you control whatever situation you're in. Mood + Mindset = Success Moods can influence how well we do in certain situations, but so can something else: our mindset. What's the difference between a mood and a mindset? Moods are the emotions we feel. A mindset is the thoughts and ideas that go along with that mood. Mood and mindset go hand in hand because our thoughts can influence our mood. Here's an example: Imagine you're competing in a swim meet this afternoon. Which mood and mindset helps you do your best? Mood A: Insecure. You keep thinking about how the competition might blow you out of the water and maybe you're not good enough to be on the team. Mood B: Annoyed. You're thinking about how swimming interferes with your social life. Mood C: Pumped up and confident. You're thinking that if you do your best, there's a good chance your team can place well. Of course, you're likely to do your best with the mood and mindset in option C. But what if you're feeling A or B and worry that those moods might affect your performance? Luckily, you can change your mood. How to Choose a Mood Step 1: Identify your mood. To switch moods, you need to check in with what you're currently thinking and feeling. That way you can decide if you need to change your mood to one that's more suited to your situation — or if you're in the best mood to begin with. To identify a mood, stop and think about what you're feeling and why. Put those feelings into words, like, "Wow, I'm really sad right now" or "I'm feeling really alone." You can say this silently to yourself, out loud, or to someone else. Step 2: Accept what you feel. After you name your emotion, show yourself some understanding for feeling the way you do. It's perfectly OK (and natural!) to feel bored on a rainy Saturday or annoyed about having to study when everyone else is going out. All emotions are acceptable and understandable. But you don't have to hold on to feeling that way. Notice your mood, then choose to move past it. Step 3: Identify the mood that's best for the situation you're in. If you're competing in a swim meet, it's best to be pumped up and confident. If you need to get down to some serious studying, it's better to feel interested, alert, and confident (and not so helpful to feel grumpy, annoyed, and self-defeated). Take a minute to think about which emotions will help you accomplish your goal. How to Get Into the Best Mood After you imagine the mood that's best suited for your task or situation, it's time to get into that mood. Think "P for positive" and focus on these 6 things that can help you reset your mood: Purpose. Get clear on what you want and need to do. For example, you might want to get your studying done as fast and well as possible so you can go to a party later. Place. Put yourself in the right situation — environment influences mood. If you need to study, it's better to find a table or desk in a quiet room than to go to the coffee shop where you might see friends who distract you. People. Who can help you feel the way you need to feel? A focused classmate is a better study companion than a chatty friend. Sometimes, just thinking of a particular person is enough to help you feel confident, inspired, strong, or supported. Playlist. Music is one of the most powerful influences on mood because it's all about communicating and inspiring emotion. Create playlists for the moods that are the most helpful and positive for your life. Posture. Move your body into the right mood. For studying, try exercises that help you focus on your physical posture like yoga or t'ai chi. For energy, try a workout that gets your heart rate up. To prepare for sleep, try deep breathing, gentle stretching, or other soothing activities. Promotion. Encourage yourself with self-talk. Self-talk is a way of using thoughts to influence your mood. If you've ever said to yourself, "OK, let's get serious for a minute" or "I can do this!" you've used self-talk to get into the right mood for a situation. Self-talk doesn't just create the mindset that supports your mood, it also helps you keep a mood going. That's why pep talks work so well for athletes. How to Get Out of an Unhelpful Mood To get out of a mood that's unpleasant or unhelpful, think "U for U-turn." Try these mood changers: Undo. Do something to break the train of thought that keeps your old mood going. Distract yourself with a game of Sudoku or simply focus on what's going on outside your window for a few minutes. Distractions are like rebooting your mind — they create a space between moods. Unstick. Change your body posture. If you're sitting, stand up. Do some jumping jacks. Stretch. Walk around the room. Moving your body changes your mindset and mood. Unwind. Sit quietly, breathe gently, and focus on each breath. To keep your mind from wandering back to a mood you're trying to change, every time you take a breath, say to yourself: "I'm breathing in" and "I'm breathing out." Focus on feeling calm. You've probably chosen your mood before without even realizing it — many times people choose a mood naturally without thinking about it. But practicing ways to choose your mood intentionally can help you get good at it. So next time you feel a strong mood, stop and name it. Ask yourself if it's the ideal mood for what you're trying to accomplish. Sometimes, even the happiest of moods might not be right for a particular situation (as anyone who's excited about weekend plans during Friday afternoon classes knows). Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhDDate reviewed: March 2013
American Psychological Association (APA) The APA provides information and education about a variety of mental health issues for people of all ages.Center for Mental Health Services (CMHS) CMHS is a federal agency that provides information about mental health to users of mental health services, their families, the general public, policy makers, providers, and the media.
Emotional Intelligence Just as IQ is a way of being academically smart, emotional intelligence (EQ) is a way of being people-smart. But unlike IQ, we can work on improving our EQ. Here are some tips.Understanding Your Emotions Emotions help us relate to other people, know what we want, and make choices. Even "negative" emotions are useful. Find out how to understand emotions and use them effectively.5 Ways to Be More Aware of Your Emotions Emotional awareness (knowing what we feel and why) helps us learn about ourselves and build good relationships. Here are 5 ways to get more in touch with your emotions.About Stressful Feelings Negative emotions are impossible to avoid and everyone feels them from time to time. They may be difficult, but they don't have to be stressful. Find out how to deal with stressful feelings.Why Am I in Such a Bad Mood? Because of all the changes taking place in your life, you may feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster. Find out more about bad moods and why you have them. | 情感 |
2014-15/1166/en_head.json.gz/9189 | Bring Back Sincerity
We can do this together.
So, while you weren't looking, Bring Back Sincerity turned four-years-old. Hard to believe, right? My first post on February 18th, 2003 simply said, "Welcome, friend. You are wanted here." It's an incredibly minimal and straightforward opening, and while I've never suffered from a shortage of words, the brevity still feels very appropriate.Despite the slack I get on a regular basis for the corny name, Bring Back Sincerity began in a response to the overwhelming snarkiness and irony then so very prevalent. Granted, the name could have been perhaps a bit more subtle, but I picked it and alas, I'm stuck with it. Although, if there's someone to blame, it's Liz Jones, a good friend who chided me regularly for my earnestness and sincerity. I would make a heartfelt proclamation and Liz would say something along the lines of, "Arye's bringing back sincerity again." Jokingly, one day she even suggested that that's what I should name my blog if I had ever started one.Little did she know that I would do just that.I started BBS in a effort to deal with the incredible and sudden loss of my father. As a typical male in his 20's suffering from an inability to properly express my thoughts and emotions, I needed something to unload on in some way. As retroactively cliche as that probably sounds to you--I mean, what blog isn't about self-expression and self-involvement?--this outlet meant a tremendous deal to me. It was my weekly therapy session, it was my confidante, my virtual diary, and it was surreal and flattering whenever people either wrote me comments or mentioned the blog to me in person. In fact, just last night, a writer and colleague that I respect mentioned that she still reads BBS on occasion. It's an enormous thrill to know that my thoughts, my opinions and my ramblings are worthy enough of wasting her time. It's also a serious thrill to know that I'm not an idiot.As time passed, BBS became less and less about my father and expression and more about being a creative outlet. Sometimes, I wrote about music, television, culture, morality, heartbreak, and love, and then at other times, I wrote imaginary sequels to popular novels, essays on MTV's Sweet Sixteen and transcriptions between Keanu Reeves and me. And truthfully, I've enjoyed every second of it (which is not necessarily synonymous with pride. In fact, sometimes I look back at old posts and blush with embarrassment).Currently, I make a living as a writer and sadly I don't have the time for writing on BBS like I used to. And whenever a day goes by and I haven't posted here, I feel like I've skipped out on a basic function. I know the past few weeks have been sporadic at best but I'm trying my damndest to bring back with regularity. BBS has been an invaluabe resource for me and I can't belittle its importance in my life. Using this platform as an outlet has given me the opportunity to verbalize and articulate my innermost thoughts. But most importantly, it has allowed me to wrestle with the strange complexity of the loss of someone so close. Four years is a long time in the Internet world but it's like five seconds in real time. 2003 still feels like yesterday and me...well, I'm still trying to figure out some of the same things that challenged me during that cold and painful winter.But we're still here and we've got a lot of catching up to do. In the meantime, happy birthday, BBS, and of course, welcome back, friend. You're still wanted here.
posted by Arye at 11:33 PM
LETS GET BACKYou know how sometimes you play that game when you look at people and try to figure out what animal they look like? I love that game.Before we get back into the regular rotation, here is what I've been up to and why Sincerity has been brought back so infrequently.1. I'm writing reviews for Artist Direct on a regular basis. Thus far, I have written a review on Klaxons, the Frames, and Explosions In the Sky. Many more to come.2. I wrote the cover story on Feist for Venus Zine. I got my issue in the mail today--it should be on newsstands everywhere in the next day or two.3. I interviewed Yoko Ono for Flaunt Magazine where I was just "promoted" to the position of Contributing Writer. Smoov.4. I purchased these Nike Air Force 1 Mid Premiums, also known as "Thanksgiving."5. Here's a Song of the Day.-- Palomar - "Bury Me Closer"
SONG OF THE DAYSo, hey.I wish that I had more time to write to you. I know that I've been distant of late but there's been a number of things going on. Sometimes, I feel like a juggler who's thrown too many balls in the air. I can't possibly catch them all, ya know? I've got to let at least a couple of them drop.But I promise that you are not one of those balls. I would never, ever reduce you to a dropped ball. You're worth so much more than that. Like even more than Britney's hair.Where to begin?Well, yesterday I got acupuncture for the first time ever and not because Dr. Oz on Oprah suggested it, but because it's been a long time coming. Tonight, I saw a screening for Hot Fuzz which was pretty brilliant. But it's not all fun and games. I've picked up some freelance gigs and been sitting here at the computer for unthinkable periods of time. And you know what? All writers are underpaid. End of story.Where's the big pay-off? Still unclear but we're still juggling, right? Let's at least promise to check in on one another more often to prevent this from becoming awkward where we only say "hey" every few days and then this deteriorates into Acquaintanceville. Will ya do that for me? Start coming by more frequently?Cool. Here's a song for you. I'm digging this guy."Calm Down Dearest" - Jamie T
posted by Arye at 6:18 PM
WHERE IS THE LOVE?Well, that's simple. It's right here.Heeb Magazine's Love Issue is now on sale with a cover by illustrator R. Crumb. I contributed the Chosen Music feature on Guster.
SONG MIX OF THE DAYI'm always telling ya, Sloan, man. Rock 'n roll is alive and well. It's just living up north. But yeah, yeah, I can talk about something 'til I'm blue in the face but how 'bout we bring it instead.Oh, it's brought thirty-one times below.A Very Special Sloan MixSpread the Sloan love. But please do so with your pants on.
Name: Arye Location: New York, NY View my complete profile
Jane Magazine Blog
DIW Magazine
Artist Direct News
BUILD A ROCKET
After I became a dad, my hearing ...
This is rapper Azealia Banks with h...
GROAN"My name is Kanye, and I do not have an offic...
MORE FREE THAN LANCE, PART II
Freelancers can't ...
MORE FREE THAN LANCE
This morning, I read a tru...
If you're coming to this site still, wel...
FOOD, INC. WILL EFF YOU UP
Give him a hard time...
THE NEED TO TWIT
"I am waiting for the B train a...
WELL, HEY GUY. WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY?
I do miss t...
LOL....NOT!
Hey, kids! Do you remember "origina... | 情感 |
2014-15/1166/en_head.json.gz/16065 | How were you diagnosed with depression?
I was depressed in college, but I never sought treatment until I was 25 years old and working as a research assistant. We had weekly staff meetings where we went around the room and reported on our activities. I became so nervous when it was my turn to speak. My heart would beat so fast that I felt like people could see it. I felt so ridiculous that I couldn't talk to my coworkers.
My social anxiety grew and I just couldn't stand to be around people. I felt anxious, guilty, and worthless. I slept all the time. I was very tired. I had no appetite for anything and no interest in life. I just felt numb. I became overwhelmed and thought of ways out.
I complained to my general practitioner about my symptoms and she suggested that I see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said I was definitely depressed and put me on an antidepressant. I was lucky, I got treatment right away and the antidepressant initially worked quickly.
I've been on various antidepressants since then and was hospitalized once. I definitely need medications and probably will have to take them the rest of my life. The problem is that I need higher and higher doses. It is hard to find something that works for a long period of time.
How did you feel about your diagnosis? I was very relieved. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I thought my symptoms were unique to me and that I was very unusual. I was hopeful after learning that depression is a medical condition and there are treatments for it.
How do you feel now? I feel a lot better, but now I can see how far behind I am. I lost a lot of time just being depressed. I am behind in my career. I don't have kids, I don't own a house, and I don't have savings. I feel like an adolescent in my social development.
How does Dennis help you? Dennis is great because he is a no-pressure person. Other people worry about me and I feel it is my job to stop their worrying. If I sleep for a weekend, Dennis is concerned, but he has been through it and a lot worse.
When I start to feel better, I want to make extensive plans and changes. Dennis is good about lowering my expectations. A lot of my ideas involve risks, like moving or quitting my job. Dennis prevents me from going too far in case I get sick again.
Why does your relationship work? My relationship with Dennis is the best one I've ever had because he understands my depression. I have never experienced mania and have no idea what it's like, but there are similarities between our mood disorders.
Dennis and I have the same political leanings and upbringing. We both come from Irish Catholic families with grandparents from Ireland. We think very much alike.
What about children? We've decided not to have children. Dennis and I are very concerned that genetically, our child would have a high chance of having a mood disorder. We also worry about whether or not we could handle taking care of a child.
How have your parents reacted? My parents love Dennis. They saw an improvement in me after I stopped living alone and started living with Dennis. My parents do wonder if we are going to have children. They have almost forgotten that we have depression and treat us like a normal couple.
What misconceptions do people have about your condition? People don't realize that there are so many people among them with depression. When Dennis mentions that he is a support group leader, people usually tell us that they have a family member with depression. Depression is very prevalent, but you can't see it.
What is your advice to others? Hang in there and keep trying. There are many antidepressants and new ones are constantly coming out, so don't give up. Be very kind to others in your relationships. We have a lot of friends with depression from our support group and the truth is that you can never count on them. Sometimes it is just the hardest thing in the world for depressed people to get out of bed and get dressed. You need to be very forgiving. Accept people for who they are instead of waiting for them to get better in order to love them.
How did you discover that you have bipolar disorder?
I was 23 years old and was in the Peace Corps in Malaysia. For about three months, I had a lot more energy than usual. I wasn't sleeping much. I felt very creative, and started writing a play. I felt fine. I could have continued that way or returned to normal, but suddenly in the snap of a finger, I became absolutely psychotic. I was sitting with friends and I asked them to stay with me. I thought that I was having a religious experience. I felt that I had learned all the secrets of the world, and yet I couldn't quite articulate them. Then I became irritated with people because they couldn't see what I knew.
I stopped sleeping, left my apartment, and started wandering. I met wonderful people, like a cab driver who drove me for free. I met people and thought that we were immediately bonding. I thought that I was preaching to them and that we were all getting along.
Finally, I went to the Peace Corps office because I wanted to tell them how wonderful I felt. Immediately, they took me to a hospital. But even then I didn't think I was ill. I thought the doctors were going to study me because I was so unique and that I had a lot to teach them. Even though we didn't speak the same language, I tried to teach them.
I was transferred to a hospital in Washington D.C. After three months, I started coming down and I thought I had the flu. At that point the doctor said I was better and could go home. It was 1970. I asked the doctor what I had and he said 'I don't want to label you.' I responded that I'd like a label. I didn't understand what was happening.
After I was released, I felt very depressed and had suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to talk to my friends even though I had just come home. It was apparent to everyone that I had changed. I still didn't know what was wrong with me. Finally after some months, I told the doctor what was happening and he told me I was depressed and was manic-depressive. This was seven or eight months after the initial psychosis. I went back into the hospital and was put on antidepressants. A month later I was out of the hospital and back to my old self again.
How did your condition deteriorate? After my initial recovery, I went back to school to get a masters degree in engineering. The medications were transparent, except for a little dry mouth. I told the doctor that I was better. I thought it was over. No one told me manic depression is for life. The doctor took me off the medication. Within weeks I was depressed again.
I went through another cycle where the medication was transparent. I told the doctor that I was better and he took me off the medication. Again, I got depressed. But this time, the medication didn't work when I went back on. After a while, none of the medications worked. I had difficulty with medications for 20 years. One medication worked for eight years, then stopped. For five more years, I tried to find something. Sometimes I'd have a blip of mania, be hospitalized, then become immediately depressed.
My life fell apart. I lost my job. I had a real suicide attempt. I kept trying to find a treatment that would work. Finally in 1990, a different doctor gave me a new mood stabilizer plus an antidepressant. Within a month, I was feeling better. I went back to school and got another masters degree. It took two years to completely recover and get the dose right.
How did you feel once you finally recovered? All of a sudden a lot of emotions and feelings came up. I felt very sad over what happened to me. I felt like I woke up a new person and wondered how I became that way. I wanted to escape that feeling. A similar experience happened to a friend of mine. My friend recovered and said, 'Now I'm really depressed. I'm living on someone else's porch. I've lost my job and my family. I don't have anything. I wish that I were depressed again because all I had to think about was one thing: getting through the day without killing myself. Now I have to make choices and think about possibilities and a future that I never thought I could have.'
It's hard to deal with how devastating this illness can be, even though I have periods of doing well. Doing well are long-fought battles for years and years. These periods are a gift that can be taken away.
How have you adjusted your lifestyle? I had a good therapist who pointed out that I had too much stress in my life. I was trying to pretend that I didn't have this condition and wouldn't make any concessions to it. I was a design engineer, taking all the pressure that this job would normally take. I was folding under it. The therapist finally made me aware that the job I was doing was detrimental to my health. I had to find ways of taking stress out of my life. Leading support groups as a volunteer MDDA Boston (now DBSA-Boston) at the MDDA became my job.
Both Joan and I have taken a lot of stresses out of our lives, stresses that can put you over and send you into the hospital. We've had to lower our expectations in life. I've lost everything a number of times, as has Joan. Knowing that, we are not that attached to our possessions and we can get through pretty much anything. I realize that we're kind of coasting now, but that could change. I'm grateful for the boring times. I don't crave danger or action, because I know that it can come and tear things up. Stability used to be something that wasn't in my vocabulary.
How are support groups helpful? I have been leading support groups for 11 years. Usually when people first come to a group, their reaction is 'I'm home, I've found people that finally understand me.' The first day in most support groups is an immediate relief. There is a profound recognition and connection to other people that really drives the group. People feel like they can finally breathe, relax, and be with other people in way they haven't been able to before. When someone else is talking, you identify with it, because it resonates with an experience that you have had. You don't have to speak, all you have to do is listen and make connections.
How does your relationship with Joan work? My love is not predicated on Joan getting better. I saw Joan for what she was and she would say, 'how can you love me like this?' I was married before and when I was depressed, I felt an inability to love. But my previous wife still loved me and that made me feel guilty and horrible because I couldn't reciprocate.
I've have days when I'm depressed and Joan understands, she doesn't try to make demands of me. I find it difficult now to see how I could live with someone who didn't have the illness and didn't have this intimate knowledge of it.
Joan and I went to Paris in the first few years we met and Joan was really depressed. I didn't try to get her to go out. Having that understanding was invaluable. I didn't say, "pull yourself together, you need to get out, you can do it, it's all in your head". Depression is achy, it's all through you, and it invades every part of your psyche. If a partner doesn't understand that, it causes tension in the relationship.
How has your family responded? Before our wedding, my family kept my condition a secret. They pretended that they didn't know and I pretended that I didn't have it. Then, a former minister that I work with at the MDDA support group married us. Out of 100 people, 25 were friends from MDDA. The minister announced to the entire congregation that we had depression. It eliminated the pressure on pretense. If there was someone in the family that didn't know about my condition, they knew it at the wedding.
What misunderstandings do people have? Many people don't realize that depression is episodic and you can be perfectly normal in between episodes. There are times when everything is working and you're as normal as the next person. We're nothing to be feared.
What advice do you have? First, stay on your medication regime; if you start feeling well it is because of the medication. Don't give up; sometimes every day is such a battle. The difficult part of this illness is that your thought processes are incorrect, they seem real to you. You really do feel worthless, it does seem that you'll never get out of this, and that the only way out is to kill yourself. But this comes from faulty thinking from the illness. It seems real to the depressed person, but it is not reality. At all costs, try to hang on and believe that you can get well.
Family Profiles
Terri: Age 41, major depression, with family Aimee and Christine Allyson, age 23, with major depression Art, 44, major depression, with wife Debbie Barbara, with son Michael Bill, Nancy, and Ally Candice, age 26, with major depression and Fibromyalgia Cassandra: Age 19, Major Depression, with mother Dan, age 43, Dysthymia Gene and Patrice Joan and Dennis John, age 42, with bipolar disorder II Julie, age 37, with Major Depression Lynne, age 40, postpartum depression, with husband Bob and son Jack Mary Margaret, 43, bipolar disorder type II, with friend Gary Michael, age 56, major depression, with wife Julie and son Steven Missy, Bill, and Katherine Nell Casey Pata, age 45, treatment-resistant depression, with daughter Nariko Renee, age 40, bipolar disorder type II, with husband, Gary Michael, age 17, with major depression, and family William and Rose Styron Susan and Gary, son with severe mood dysregulation Terrie, age 54, with major depression Terry, age 45 with major depression, and Peter Trina, 36, with major depression, and family Zack and Nancy Email: "Like" FamilyAware.org
Tweet Home | About Us | Family Profiles | Expert Profiles | Depression | Teens/Kids | Workplace | Support | Donate | Volunteer | Resources | Contact Us | News | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Online Store | 情感 |
2014-15/2196/en_head.json.gz/2501 | A Challenge for the Whole Family
Posted on July 15, 2010 by dannygregory [Seth Apter of The Altered Page is conducting a Buried Treasure hunt and encouraged bloggers to resurrect one of their favorite long ago posts. I like this one. I may put up a couple more golden oldies to follow. Then back to the normal sturm and drang of the present.]
It’s the 13th anniversary of Patti’s accident. Jack wrote a lovely essay about how that event has effected him since he was just a baby. Here’s a video of him reading it at his school’s literary festival.
The video is above and here’s the text:
A Challenge for the Whole Family by Jack Tea Gregory
It was June 8th of 1995 when the incident happened. It felt like a normal day, nobody expected anything out of the ordinary. My mother was waiting for the 9 train and she was in a hurry. She was rushing to a demanding photo shoot that was very important to her career. While she was standing near the tracks, peering down the tunnel, her stress and the intense heat caused her to faint. She started to fall just as the train pulled up to the platform and the wind caused from the train whizzing past pulled her into the middle of the track, allowing her to avoid any electrocution. However, she wasn’t safe, the way she fell caused her spinal cord to bend and her back twisted, just before a dangling piece of metal hanging from the train hit her. She was immediately taken to the hospital where they placed an iron rod into her back because her spinal cord had been broken. My mother had been paralyzed from the waist down. She could no longer walk and was forced to sit in a wheelchair. Ever since that day, her life and those surrounding her was instantly affected greatly. Luckily, she was able to get through the therapy and with the support of her family, a new child, and a great sense of humor she was able to push past the injury and escape the pit of despair that many fall into. Many people who are hit by trains come out the tracks in different ways; some are bruised and some are killed. Luckily she didn’t experience the latter, but still life has been a challenge. Our family has also recovered from it and is able to say that they have grown used to it.
Living in New York hasn’t been the easiest, there are a lot of places that don’t have ramps or aren’t accessible. Whenever we find a problem we try and make the best of it. For example, when Mom got her first wheelchair, instead of grimacing about not being able to walk, she would place me on her lap and we’d ride down huge ramps and hills together. The rush between fear of falling and the fun of the wind speeding past our faces created a sense that nothing else in the world existed. My old school had stairs everywhere and she often couldn’t come to school performances or celebrations. I would usually try to take pictures of what was going on so that I could bring her a substitute for not having been there. I would bring her my work if we were celebrating a finished work party.
When my mother would pick me up from school, I would look up from the monkey bars and see all the kids starting to crowd around her. They would ask her questions like, “Do you sleep in a wheelchair?” or “How do you go to the bathroom?” Being the kind woman she is, she’d simply answer them as if nothing was wrong. But I couldn’t help but feel separate from the rest of the children. They found it cool and interesting that my mom was in a wheelchair. They didn’t know how it really was though, all the things we couldn’t do anymore because of this problem. We sometimes can’t go on vacation to certain places because the hotel has a flight of stairs or its elevator has broken down. There are a lot of cars that she can’t get into because they are too high for her to transfer into. However, we find ways around this. My father or I lift her up the stairs and we use a small piece of wood that we call “the Transfer Board,” which she uses to slide across onto the car’s seating.
Taxi drivers are our next issue. Since we didn’t own a car, taxis or the bus are our main form of transportation. Unfortunately, only a small fraction of the drivers actually know how to load up a wheelchair. We have to help them to understand how the wheels come off and how to fold up the seat. This can take about 15 minutes and it becomes very annoying after the 20th time.
This incident has changed our life completely and entirely. I can’t imagine or picture how different I’d be if my mother wasn’t in a wheelchair. Most people would think that this is a near to impossible lifestyle but it’s not. We get through each challenge and we do it as family, together. We have as much fun as any other family would; we just do it in a different way.
[Originally posted June 7, 2008]
This entry was posted in Creative concepts and tagged family, jack, video by dannygregory. Bookmark the permalink. 7 thoughts on “A Challenge for the Whole Family” Laura on July 15, 2010 at 2:03 am said:
Jack you are an extraordinary guy. Most kids have their moms a whole lot longer than you did, but I can tell your mom and dad have crammed 6 lifetimes of love, curiosity and passion for life into your existence so far. It may be weird to you that so many people feel like they know your family. For me, I’m grateful for the inspiration, and the simple, but wise insight I find here, that I can’t help but want the very best for you guys.
Reply ↓ AutumnLeaves on July 15, 2010 at 5:16 am said:
Patti is remarkable. I am honored to begin to know some small piece of her through your words and through Jack’s.
Reply ↓ Lani on July 15, 2010 at 1:11 pm said:
Dear Danny and Jack,
Bless you both!
You are such an inspiration.
Reply ↓ Owen on July 15, 2010 at 2:41 pm said:
Jack, an beautiful and strong presentation of two, really three including your dad, strong and beautiful people and with the gentle sense of humour you dad so often exhibits in drawings and words. Thank you for allowing this moment to be shared.
Reply ↓ Jennifer on July 15, 2010 at 5:40 pm said:
The first time I read/watched this post I cried, and now again, for all the love, courage and beauty contained in a boy—and his family. Thank you for re-posting, it really is a treasure.
Reply ↓ Opus Dei on July 16, 2010 at 2:38 am said:
Hey Dan,
Hats off, Sir!!! …Your life journey has been an inspiration. This is the true human spirit – Who says there’s a God up there!! It is the answer to life challenges that is the God in all of Us.
I have seen such a existence through the eyes of a friend…and yes it takes phenomenal courage and love to keep the family together…but hey, ain’t that a ‘true family’?
The cycle of life and death continues, but when people like you and Jack make death a part of the very existence, and not some distant memory that needs to be revived only on anniversaries, then the true meaning of ‘Renaissance’ comes alive.
Keep living….It’s life after all :-)
God bless the human spirit.
Reply ↓ Kathy on July 16, 2010 at 11:02 am said:
What a wonderful caring and intelligent young man Jack has become. You and Patti did a great job! Your fammily is such an inspiration for all of us. | 情感 |
2014-15/2196/en_head.json.gz/2637 | Neil’s Story
I was 16 when I met “Adam.” He was the first gay male I had ever. Although he was 27, eleven years older than I, I didn’t think the age difference was a big deal. The first two weeks I knew him, we saw each other every day and he made me feel so special, he made me feel like a prince. I was an awkward 16 year old boy with oversized glasses that always seemed to be crooked, stringy hair that wouldn’t style, acne, and a goofy smile, yet somehow everything “Adam” said to me just made me feel attractive and important.
Read More of Neil’s Story
Dennis’ Story
Dennis was 22 when he got involved with Alex. In the beginning, Alex was a very fun and caring man. Living in Florida at the time, they spent most days at the beach. They had a lot of fun and grew very close. Alex introduced Dennis to Cuban cooking and Dennis got him to like country music.
Read More of Dennis’ Story
Curt’s Story
Before I begin, I want to tell you that my batterer could be a generous, sweet, charming, sensitive man – capable of giving and receiving an intense and fulfilling level of commitment and passion. I say this not to defend him. You are about to read the negative side of our 3 1/2-year relationship. For you to get a true picture of how this relationship developed, you need to know that there was more to it than the abuse.
Read More of Curt”s Story
Home Domestic Violence About Us
© 2010 GMVDP - All Rights Reserved | web design by muzilla | 情感 |
2014-15/2196/en_head.json.gz/4133 | Stunted Emotional Growth
Stunted Emotional Growth - Reluctance or inability to learn from mistakes, work on self-improvement or develop more effective coping strategies. Description:
It's common for people who suffer from personality disorders to be described as "childish" or "immature" by those who live and work with them. This is often because the cognitive development process which most people use to learn better strategies for problem solving and for calculating cost/benefit analyses is not so readily available to those who suffer from personality disorders. People who suffer from personality disorders have a strong connection between the decision-making parts of their brains and their emotions or feelings. On the other hand, those who do not suffer from personality disorders typically have stronger connections between the logical risk/reward parts of their brains and their decision making. As a result people with personality disorders are sometimes seen as reactionary, over-emotional, immature, unreliable etc. by those who have a more logical basis for their decision making. They may seem to "never learn". This is because they often make their decisions based on their feelings rather than what they understand to be true. This can make them seem less mature.
Chaos Manufacture - Unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess. Engulfment - An unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship.
Hysteria - An inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the real problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.
Impulsiveness - The tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.
Lack of Object Constancy - An inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision. Panic Attacks - Short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as hyperventilating, shaking, sweating and chills.
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute that are disproportionate to the situation at hand. Self-Harm - Self Harm, also known as self-mutilation, self-injury or self-abuse is any form of deliberate, premeditated injury inflicted on oneself, common among adolescents and among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. The most common forms are cutting and poisoning/overdosing.
Self-Loathing - An extreme hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.
What it feels like:
It's very frustrating to live with someone who appears to be immature or who repeats the same mistakes. Many parents of teenagers express the same frustrations with their children that non-personality disordered people express about their loved-ones. This is similar since young people have not yet developed all the connections in their brains to the frontal cortex - the risk/reward calculating area of the brain. The result is often anger, exasperation and frustration. This can lead to poor decision making on the part of the non-personality disordered individual if they are not careful.
Learning to Cope:
It's important to understand and come to an acceptance that the brains of people who suffer from personality disorders are wired differently and they are not able to change that or just snap out of it. Therefore common approaches such as arguing, guilt trips and reasoning are often ineffective. It's important to learn about what can and can't be changed to save frustration for yourself and for the person who you are trying to change.
Don't blame yourself for not being able to convince a person who suffers from a personality disorder to change their ways.
Don't apply pressure tactics such as shame, guilt, threats, ultimatums etc. to try to get someone else to change or "grow up". You will only frustrate them and yourself.
Don't make a moral issue out of what is a mental illness. People with personality disorders do not choose to be born with them and it can be inhumane to characterize them as evil or worthless. Therefore try to focus on what is acceptable or unacceptable behavior rather than who is acceptable or unacceptable as an individual.
Don't put all your eggs in the basket of having to get someone else to change. Personality disorders have their roots in the neurological paths of the brain and unless you have expertise in brain surgery you cannot change that
Learn about personality disorders so you will recognize the patterns and know how to cope.
Detach yourself from being dependent on another person's mental health status for your own health, education maintenance and support. Focus on behaviors not personality. Develop boundaries for yourself so you know what behavior you are willing to accept and what you will do to protect yourself if those boundaries are crossed.
Protect yourself from any dangerous, threatening or abusive behavior Get support from people who understand what it is like to live with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.
For More Information & Support...
If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope. Support Forum - Read real stories. Ask questions.
Top 100 Traits of people with Personality Disorders.
Toolbox - Ideas for coping and common mistakes. Personality Disorder Glossary - Learn the lingo. Links to Personality Disorder-related sites.
Books about personality disorders. Submit feedback on this page here.
Search Out of the FOG
Get the OOTF e-book...
OOTF proudly announces the publication of our e-book:
Out of the FOG Information & Support for those
with a family member or loved one who suffers from a personality disorder
by Gary Walters
and the Out of the FOG Team
Available on the following platforms:
Apple iPad & iPhone
OOTF Latest News Blog...
New "Future Goals" Forum Nov 9, 2013 - OOTF has just launched a new "Future Goals" forum. This forum is a safe place to store your goals of what you would like to achieve. Setting goals can help us move forward, and give us something to focus on while we are working our way through day to day issues. Goals can change, be amended or added to over time as we either achieve them, or determine new goals as our lives unfold.
http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=29.0
Nov 1 2013 - OOTF Celebrates 6 years
Since its launch on November 1, 2007, Out Of The FOG has grown to a community of over 7000 members world-wide. http://outofthefog.net/forum
Welcome New Moderator & Administrator!
Sep 1, 2013 - Welcome to our newest moderator TechGuy and congratulations to xredshoesx, who has been appointed as a board admin.
http://outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=10877
Welcome New Moderators!
Mar 4, 2013 - Welcome to our newest moderators IDK and MakingChanges.
News Archives... Books
Visit our Library of Personality Disorder Books: See the Complete Book List FOG Images © 2005 by Gary Walters
Original Content © 2007-2014, Out of the FOG. All rights reserved. +E.C. Haggis | 情感 |
2014-15/2196/en_head.json.gz/4160 | By William L. Bulla
Can you keep a secret? What about your best friend? Remember that those who share others' secrets with you might share yours with others. We're told that trust and honesty are the backbones of any good relationship, but too often they are forgotten in the excitement of spreading a "juicy" secret.
"Oh, Millie, do I have some news for you. But it's a secret so don't mention it to anyone! I've been talking to Francis and she is so upset. Her daughter, Beth, is three months pregnant, and as you know she is not married."
The next day Francis receives a phone call from Millie offering her sympathy, and revealing that the secret Francis had shared with her "dear friend" had now been passed on to another person and would soon be the talk of the neighborhood. That's what happens often when you tell a friend, "I trust you with my secret, so please don't tell anyone."
If you want to tell someone a secret, be sure that you can trust that person. That individual must be as meticulous about keeping your secret as he or she would be about his or her own. An unreliable person should not be entrusted with keeping your secret.
Keeping a secret and respecting the secrets of others, as opposed to sharing them with others, is a virtue related to self-discipline and sensitivity. Those who fail to understand this cannot guard a secret, and those who do not care about the consequences of words and actions cannot be considered discreet. Do not give such tactless people any chance to learn even the smallest details of your private concerns.
If someone tells you they trust you with a secret, don't tell anyone else. Perhaps, the best way of doing that is to not know the secret. People cannot betray a secret they don't know. Too often, a person can be heard saying, "I know something you don't know!" Then other persons begin to pry out the secret. Suddenly, it is no longer a secret, as it is shared with many.
Keeping a secret can often be difficult, There are times when keeping a secret might be almost impossible. It takes a great deal of determination and willpower, not to tell someone what you have heard. So if you fear you do not have the willpower, do not put yourself in the position of hearing a secret. Failure to keep a secret could be embarrassing to you or to someone else. Benjamin Franklin once said, "If you would keep your secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend." I think Ben handed out some very good advice.
William L. Bulla is a freelance writer residing in Washington County. | 情感 |
2014-15/2196/en_head.json.gz/10409 | The topic of suicide.
because depression clouds judgement. The majority of those calling the hotlines and thinking of taking their own lives aren't doing it in the calm state of mind of "I just want to opt out of life please" they are doing it because they are depressed and see no other option/silver lining. Not because there isn't one but because they can't see it. That's what depression does. If suicide was seen as an okidoki perfectly fine option.. people would take their own lives and think of their lives as meaningless. I mean why wouldn't they? Nobody really minds if they kill themselves..so why not? The idea is frowned upon because established human life is seen as something precious. Regardless of the person..they are seen as someone who deserves to be here, who has things to contribute, a life to live, memories, people who love them, people who count on them etc.. And we fight to help people see that things do and WILL get better. Sure, not everyone lives a perfectly happy life but everyone does get to live.. and that's better than the alternative.
Most people who do have these thoughts come out the other side changing their STATE OF MIND (which usually is the real problem, not their life itself) and do realize that their lives are worth living. That's why it's worth it to fight and continue to tell people suicide isn't an option. To tell people that suicide is ok is to tell them that their life doesn't matter. That THEY don't matter.. that there aren't people who would mourn their loss, that the world would be fine without them, that they have nothing else to contribute.. and that is not ok.
Physician assisted suicide.. well, that's a whole nother issue and frankly, I believe if someone is going to die anyway, they should have the right to decide to go painlessly instead of drawing out their suffering. | 情感 |
2014-15/2196/en_head.json.gz/10922 | Sensible Living - Paying Compliments
Soon after Laughter Clubs started gaining momentum, the wife of a Laughter Club member, telephoned me to complain that while her husband laughed heartily every morning in his Laughter Club, at home he continued to shout at the family members, just as he did earlier. Then she asked: Should not Laughter Clubs be doing something to check that laughter travels inside the members also?
When I requested her to clarify what exactly she meant by laughter traveling inside, she fumbled a little, as it was evident that she had not prepared herself for such a question. But, with some effort, she said that what she really meant was that, to be Laughter Club members in the true sense, they should develop the spirit of laughter also. I thanked her for the suggestion and assured her that it would be considered seriously. To be honest, I did this first to be polite, but her suggestion did not leave me, because while I had got used to calls imparting critical comments, this was the first time someone had, I felt, made a constructive suggestion. On further reflection, the lady’s suggestion struck me as very profound. After all, I asked myself, was it not true that laughter would not add up to anything very much, if a person did not shed at least some of his negativity?
After some serious discussion amongst those involved in the Movement, it was decided that the aims of Laughter Clubs be revised from “Laugh and be Healthy” to “Health and Happiness through Laughter and the Spirit of Laughter”, the spirit of laughter, being making not only one’s own self happy but also making others happy. Some members interpret this as laughter, and the spirit of the laughter becoming a part of the life and living of members.
The above I consider as an important step, along the route of the Laughter Club Movement, as it brought about a qualitative extension to the focus of the efforts and the action at Laughter Clubs. We now tried to identify actions as steps that would make not only the members happy but would also motivate and equip them to make others happy.
Looking back, I thought it would be a good idea to do something about those members who come for a daily guffaw, and had not changed. I thought this was a wonderful platform where people meet everyday, and it would be a good idea to adopt some resolutions, to bring about changes in their thinking. The idea was to change negative thinking into positive. We started looking for negative emotions and habits that stop us from laughing.
Paying Compliments
One common bad habit most people have, is criticizing others just to kill time, or just for the heck of it. During morning walks, the common topics of discussion are politics, the price rise, government corruption, pollution, traffic jams, the bad economy and the like, followed by problems relating to youngsters and other family members. I could not stop every one of them. But, I thought of replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. To do away with the habit of criticising others, why not start complimenting others, and raise their spirits and self-esteem? One fine day, I made an announcement after a Laughter Session was over. “Ladies and gentlemen, today is Monday, and every Monday we are going to resolve that during the week, we will pay compliments to others. We will appreciate their good qualities and make more and more friends in our buildings, offices, social circles, etc.”
Paying compliments was the ‘First Commandment’ we introduced in our search for identifying various ways and means of sensible living. On Sundays, after the laughter session, we shared our experiences about paying compliments. To whom had Club Members paid compliments and what were the results? Initially, the response was not very enthusiastic, but some people thought it was a good idea. Many people found it difficult to pay compliments just like that, as it seemed like flattery and sycophancy. I repeatedly made announcements that one of the objectives of Laughter Clubs is health and happiness through laughter. The happiness aimed at is, not only to make one’s own self happy but also to make others happy, which further results in one’s own happiness. One of the ways to make others happy is by paying genuine and deserving compliments to others.
Some members got very good results and they started appreciating their spouses and children in the house, while others said good words to their servants. In India, very few people appreciate their wives with words, they may feel affection in their hearts but they may not verbalize their feelings. For example, very few people actually say to their wives, ‘‘I love you’’. One fine day, one of the members went home after the Laughter Session and told his wife “You are looking very beautiful”, as she was getting up from bed. She wondered what had happened to her husband, because he had never said this in the last 25 years of their married life. In the first place, he had never told his wife before, that she was beautiful, but when he said it, the timing was wrong. Had he said these words when she was dressed in her best, before going to a party, it would have made more sense.
I was surprised to know that many people find it very difficult to compliment others. The human tendency, by and large, is to see only the wrong and bad in others, ignoring the good, and then to criticize and condemn. As a result of this tendency, a lot of negative energy is generated and there is unpleasantness, bitterness, intemperance, tension and bad relations, all round. Therefore, the idea of sharing their experiences with compliment-paying was to give members an insight on how to gracefully give compliments. How many things can you compliment and in what ways? The most important thing we tell members, is to look for good qualities in others, and then appreciate them. Giving irrelevant, undeserved, unnecessary compliments might look like a gimmick or pure sycophancy.
Is Paying Compliments Necessary?
People of all ages and backgrounds, and at all stages of success and failure, need love and recognition in order to live happily. Everyone, if he is to function at his best, needs to be noticed and appreciated. Most of us want to be told how we are doing. If our best efforts are met with silence, we tend to become careless, negligent and hostile.
Each one of us has a mental picture of ourselves, a self-image. To find life reasonably satisfying, the self-image must be one that we can live with and can like. When we are proud of our self-image, we feel confident and free to be ourselves. We function at our best. When we are ashamed of our self-image, we attempt to hide, rather than express ourselves. In such a situation, one becomes hostile and hard, to get along with. A sort of miracle happens to the person whose self-esteem has been raised. He suddenly starts liking other people better. He becomes kinder and more co-operative with people around him. Praise is a like a polish that helps to keep one’s self-image bright and sparkling. By raising someone’s spirits and adding to someone’s self-esteem, you make him want to like you and co-operate with you. To flatter or put into words, emotions we don’t feel, amounts to insincerity that is easily spotted, and benefits none.
Withholding a compliment is cheating. It should be passed on as quickly as possible. It might give some unhappy person a moment of joy, or help him cope with deep despair. It will help someone defeat the two arch- rivals of human happiness — loneliness and insignificance.
Happiness Comes Back
As an artist finds joy in giving beauty to others, so also, anyone who masters the art of praising, will find that, it blesses the giver as much as the receiver. There is truth in the saying that “Flowers leave part of their fragrance in the hands that bestow them”. If you increase your sense of gratitude and your willingness to express it, you will make the people around happier, and you will become a happier person yourself.
How To Pay Compliments
One can pass on compliments in a casual conversation, or in a letter, or a written note. There is yet another way — that of third party compliments. When someone says something pleasant to you directly, there is a possibility of that being discounted as mere politeness or even flattery. There are many others who find it difficult to pay compliments directly, as it may cause some embarrassment. They can take recourse to what may be called ‘third party compliments’. This form of appreciation is much easier and could even be more effective. When indirect compliments reach the concerned party, they may be better than direct ones, because most people believe that if someone praises you behind your back, he probably means exactly what he says.
When To Pay Compliments
The golden rule of appreciation is - Do it now! Do it while your sense of gratitude is fresh and strong. If you feel a flash of thankfulness, act on it before the impulse goes away.
A Few Examples From Laughter Clubs:
Though the idea of paying compliments has not taken off fully, it has already made a good beginning. I would like to cite a few stories.
1. There is a cobbler who sits at the corner of the lane where I live in Mumbai. I found him fully involved and happy repairing shoes. One fine day, I stopped for a while and wanted to express my feelings about him. I said, “My dear Sir, you are doing yeoman service to humanity. Do you know that the job you are doing for a few pennies is considered a dirty job by many people?’’ He smiled and was thrilled to receive such a compliment. After that he smiles at me whenever I pass his shop. I could clearly see his spirits raised by my appreciation to his contribution to society.
2. On Sundays, during our extra meeting to share the secret, one member said, “I didn’t pay compliments to anyone but once when I was beginning to criticize someone, my inner voice suddenly stopped me saying, “Hey! Hey!! What are you doing? You are a Laughter Club member and you are supposed to compliment others!’’ That was an achievement, I believe.
To conclude, what the Laughter Clubs really seek to achieve is not only laughter outside us but also laughter within us. Paying compliments would result in what we would like to call “Inner laughter”, that is “the Spirit of laughter’’. I often ask Laughter Club members during our monthly meetings, “Why does one go on to make a lot of money, beyond what’s needed for one’s basic necessities?” It is to get appreciated and noticed. Building a palatial house has no meaning if you don’t hold parties and have more and more people appreciate your achievements and taste.
If you spend huge amounts of money only to get appreciation and recognition, there is no need to break your heart in earning that much money. If people spend so much of money in search of compliments, why not give them free and liberally?
Love & laughter
Dr. K
This article is from Dr Kataria's Book "Inner Spirit of Laughter" . You can download the E Book for just USD 8.95. To Buy Click Here.
No comments posted yet, be the first.
Write your Comments | 情感 |
2014-15/2196/en_head.json.gz/15503 | In the aftermath of suicide, a long walk through a strange country Cahir O'Doherty
@randomirish November 08,2013
Dealing with grief and suicide, not suffering in silence (Photo: humblepiety)
When someone you love kills themselves it is one of the most profoundly isolating experiences of your life. It feels a bit like being airlifted into a strange country and abandoned there. You can't read the signposts. You can't tell where the roads go. When people speak to you, you can hear them but you may not understand a word.I have walked through this strange country, thunderstruck. I have known others who have. At the time I thought I had been pulled outside of existence. But the truth is I had just joined it. Because the experience of inexpressible grief is the most profoundly human journey of our lives.
Grief is the absence of love and the ferocity of it. Grief is the measure of lost love.But first it feels like the world explodes. Until it happens you'll have no idea what the shock is like. You'll feel like you're standing in a giant crater with your hair smoking, the way they do in Saturday morning cartoons.If you live in a small town, like I did, you'll notice other people noticing you. To them you'll sound like a snapping chord or a clanging bell that throws the day out of tune.But silence will become your own companion. Stunned silence. Following you around day and night. While your guts will feel like they're being pulled from your chest, yard over yard.Someone always contends with the arrangements, because someone has to. Others go to their room and close the door. In my own case I alternated, often from hour to hour, discovering that my body would take over when my head could not. I'd often find myself staring at the floor until I came to. It went on like this for a long time.Psychologists call this the period of Initial Impact. You're poleaxed, but you're probably still functioning. Just.It's the strangest thing, having to say farewell to someone in the middle of their life that you just never expected to. It's like hugging someone on the street corner and then moments later being told it was for the last time. It makes no sense. It rips a hole through the fabric of your existence. It's shocking in a way that little else is shocking.When I lost someone I loved to suicide I didn't have time to become truly angry with all the instant rationalizing I heard going on around me, mostly because I was stricken with guilt and recriminations of my own: Why didn't I notice? Why didn't he tell me? How could I have let him down so? Where was I?It didn't help that we had an unresolved relationship. He had wanted to stay, I had wanted to leave, but love is only possible when it has a context. Our conflicting life paths had removed that context, but not how I felt about him, because that hadn't changed. When you meet a fine spirit you meet a fine spirit, your heart stays constant no matter where your feet lead.For weeks afterwards I was buffeted by helplessness. What if I'd done this instead of that? What if I'd stayed? What if I'd checked more on him? What if I'd spoken up instead of staying silent? It was endless. I was heart shot, my emotions were barely in check.He had lived in a small Irish town. Most people there loved him. But others, a small but dedicated few, had made him their pinata. Being gay, and kind, and painfully on his own, he made a rich moving target for cheap abuse. Because of that I find that I can't really talk about him even yet. I'm still more comfortable talking about what it felt like to lose him. It's all I'm able to do just yet.In the aftermath of a suicide by a young person, the first order on the agenda for the community in which he or she had lived is to absolve themselves it seems. It’s an understandable reflex. The implicit rebuke of a suicide is very hard to live with. So communities will almost always blame the victim, in preference to studying anything about themselves.But the thing is, there were people to look askance at. Some had taunted him cruelly, for a long time before he passed. I've often wondered about how they've lived with themselves in the light of what happened to him? I wonder about them still because I don't think many others do.I doubt that they blame themselves. I doubt if they learned anything. A new gravestone was erected and the weary world moved on. There is a silence on the edge of Irish life that I have always associated with graveyards. It’s found in our history too. We’re too used to it I suspect. My friend had needed support and he could not find the words to ask for it. Instead he found silence and it fell around him hard.That silence is the enemy. Breaking that silence is our only chance at finding peace. Submit MostPopular
An Irishman's view of the Wall Street shenanigans
Here's an Irishman's view of the Wall Street shenanigans
A look at books: from crime and supernatural, to US politics and Irish fiction
Books by Nethercott, Matthews, Ellis and Maher The Séance SocietyBy Michael NethercottIT’S 1956 in Connecticut, and ... | 情感 |
2014-15/2196/en_head.json.gz/17230 | What are the best and worst love songs?
Neal Augenstein, wtop.com
WASHINGTON - Some love songs were both romantic and beautiful when first released, are still being played at weddings, and will remain that way forever. In my opinion, "If I Fell" by the Beatles fits that category.
Then there are the "what were we thinking?" love songs that somehow were hits, but have now mercifully been dispatched to lists like this.
"Muskrat Love," by Captain and Tennille was actually a cover song of a cover song. Toni Tennille says she and Daryl Dragon first heard America's version of the song written by Willis Alan Ramsey. Regardless, a song with lyrics about "nibbling on bacon" and other exploits of canoodling rodents is a likely candidate for many "worst" lists.
"Afternoon Delight" by Starland Vocal Band is the story of a love we probably preferred to not hear about.
"Having My Baby" by Paul Anka is wrong for too many reasons to detail.
Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" was a hit when released, and maintains a certain respect, in part for its description of total acceptance - it shouldn't be a surprise that Bruno Mars has a totally different song with the same title that will likely endure.
Other possible 'best' songs - "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton has lovely sentiments, though I wonder if he remembered the evening the next morning, since he never elaborated why he had an "aching head."
The good thing about love songs - and love - is that it's all about taste.
What's your favorite romantic song? Post a comment in this story, comment on WTOP's Facebook Page or use #WTOPTalkback on Twitter. | 情感 |
2014-15/2199/en_head.json.gz/604 | Tough Talk Ex-con Dale Messmer keeps kids off drugs
with tales of life behind bars
by Jim McCarty Dale "Mad Dog" Messmer once smuggled cocaine into the United States. Today he makes amends for his past mistakes by telling his story at schools.
Dale Messmer remembers well the day he turned his life around.
He was in the office of the construction company where he worked, taking care of paperwork. The door opened and in walked a young man in a suit. Through the door Dale could see he drove the type of vehicle favored by FBI agents.
Dale had a secret past. He was on the run from a variety of law enforcement agencies. He was determined not to get caught. From a desk drawer Dale quietly pulled a 9mm pistol in anticipation of the moment the agent presented his badge.
"I was sure he was FBI," recalls Dale. "I was prepared to dust him and run."
But Dale realized the man facing him was an insurance agent. Instead of a badge and handcuffs, he showed Dale photos of his wife and kids. That night, stunned by what he almost did, Dale drank heavily. Too drunk to drive, he pulled into a parking lot and walked into the first building he could find. It turned out to be a church and the minister was still there. Dale "Mad Dog" Messmer drug trafficker, martial arts expert, body guard, Vietnam vet, trained sniper, a man so tough he once killed a police dog with his bare hands found himself in tears, pouring out his sins to a man he did not know. The preacher convinced him to take his punishment which Dale did, surrendering to authorities who agreed to a plea-bargained, 25-year sentence. The things Dale saw behind bars convinced him to help others make better choices. Today Dale crisscrosses the country delivering a sobering message to kids: "Drugs, gangs and breaking the law can do the same thing for you that it did for me." Dale speaks with authority. At the time of his arrest he was worth $3.8 million. But the law allows police to seize the assets of anyone charged with drug crimes and Dale found himself penniless. "It cost me everything I ever loved on this Earth and I am always going to be an ex-convict," Dale says of his choice to break the law. Like a lot of the kids he speaks to, Dale got into trouble because he was bored.
His past was the kind of life featured in Hollywood action films. He served overseas as a Marine sniper scout. He was a body guard for the likes of Charlie Daniels and William Lee Golden of the Oak Ridge Boys. He trained S.W.A.T. teams. He chased bail jumpers and guarded gold mines.
In his 30s, Dale was a millionaire with a successful limousine and charter airplane service. But he was bored. Approached by the Colombian cocaine cartel run by Pablo Escobar, Dale was quick to jump at the chance for a little excitement. One day Dale was flying a load of cocaine into the United States on an overcast day. When he popped out of the clouds federal agents were waiting. He tried to run but a jet caught him and forced him to land. They discovered cocaine, piles of drug money, a box of grenades and a machine gun on board. Faced with a laundry list of charges, Dale made bail and quickly skipped town, staying on the run for 16 months until his change of heart. He would spend nearly 11 years behind bars. Here he saw firsthand what happened to kids who made bad choices and wound up in prison.
"Once you go in, the law ceases to exist," he says. "It's jungle rules, survival of the fittest. It's not right, it's not fair and it's not legal but it's what happens." By accident he discovered he could help. Nearing parole, the warden at the prison asked him to speak at a school during Red Ribbon Week, a national anti-drug effort. At first reluctant, Dale gave in to the promise of a McDonald's hamburger. That talk led to another and then more until one day he spoke at a school attended by the son of then Arkansas Lt. Gov. Mike Huckabee. The elder Huckabee, now governor, helped Dale speak in nearly all Arkansas schools. He moved to California, starred in commercials and movies. But he continued his anti-drug talks. Threatened by gang violence and a car bomb that didn't explode, Dale moved to Cape Fair last year where he is a member of Ozark Electric Cooperative. He averages 150 schools per year and estimates 800,000 kids have heard his message. Those who attend his program hear some tough talk.
"I don't sugar coat anything," Dale says. "I don't use foul language but it is graphic and detailed and I leave them with no doubts. I let them look at my face and see where I've been stitched together. I didn't look like this before I went into prison." Dale gives schools his entire day. He speaks to as many groups as they want, answers questions, eats with students and stays after school to work with at-risk kids. He asks for a fee of $1,500 but is quick to point out that if a school can't afford his asking price then the price is whatever they can afford.
Dale knows he's doing some good because he often hears from students who changed their lives after hearing him speak. "I am like the vitamin company one a day. If I can get one kid a day to stop and think then it's worth it." For more information call (417) 538-4321, send e-mail to [email protected] or visit www.MAD-DOG.ORG. Rural Missouri | 情感 |
2014-15/2199/en_head.json.gz/1100 | Washington, Thursday, December 7, 2006
SOUTHEASTERN EUROPE: MOVING FROM ETHNIC CLEANSING AND GENOCIDE TO EURO-ATLANTIC INTEGRATION
REP. CHRISTOPHER H. SMITH
When I was appointed Chairman of the Helsinki Commission in early 1995, Mr. Speaker, the U.S. foreign policy establishment and its European counterparts were seized by a genocidal conflict of aggression against Bosnia-Herzegovina. Many here in the Congress were already deeply involved in bipartisan efforts to end the conflict by urging a decisive, international response under U.S. leadership. I can still recall the sense of horror, outrage and shame when the Srebrenica massacre occurred and nothing was done to stop it and other atrocities committed against civilians. Slobodan Milosevic, meanwhile, was comfortably entrenched as Serbia’s leader, with Kosovo under his repressive thumb. The situation was truly bleak. Today, relative calm prevails throughout the Balkans region, though simmering tensions and other serious problems could lead to renewed crisis and conflict, if left unchecked. Overcoming the legacy of the past and restoring dignity and ensuring justice for the victims will require sustained engagement and vigilance. Integrating the countries of the region into European institutions can advance this process. Slovenia has become a full-fledged member of both NATO and the European Union. Croatia is well on its way to similar membership, and Macedonia and Albania are making steady progress in the right direction. In a welcome development, Bosnia-Herzegovina, the epicenter of bloody carnage and mass displacement in the mid-1990s, was invited last week to participate in NATO’s Partnership for Peace Program, along with Serbia and the newly independent state of Montenegro. As a longstanding member and leader of the Helsinki Commission, I want to highlight some of the numerous initiatives we have undertaken in an attempt to draw attention to developments in the Balkans and to influence related policy. Since 1995, we have convened more than 20 hearings on specific aspects of the region as well as related briefings, legislation, letters, statements and meetings. These efforts have been undertaken with an uncommon degree of bipartisanship. In this regard, I particularly want to thank the Commission’s outgoing Ranking Member, Mr. Cardin of Maryland, for helping to make this a reality. Among the Commission’s most noteworthy accomplishments, I would include garnering the strong support that contributed to the establishment of the International Criminal Tribunal for the former Yugoslavia and pressing countries to cooperate in bringing those responsible for war crimes, crimes against humanity and genocide to justice. I would include the change in U.S. policy from relying on Milosevic to implement the Dayton Agreement to supporting democracy in Serbia as the long-term and genuine partner in building regional peace and stability. We have maintained a significant focus on elections, encouraging all the countries in the region to strive to meet international standards for free and fair elections as well as referenda. There has been tremendous progress in this regard. The Commission’s support for the OSCE, I believe, has helped the organization’s field activities in southeastern Europe to be more successful in promoting respect for the human rights and fundamental freedoms of all the people, regardless of ethnicity. Finally, on the more controversial policy of NATO’s action against Serbia in 1999, the Commission served as a forum to air differing views on the policy response while finding common ground in addressing the humanitarian crises, documenting human rights abuses and holding human rights violators to account. Mr. Speaker, while welcoming this progress in southeastern Europe, I would caution against complacency as the region faces significant challenges. Maintaining positive momentum will require much from actors in the region as well as the international community, including the United States. First and foremost is the situation in Kosovo. The pending decisions that will be made on Kosovo’s status give rise to growing expectation as well as apprehension and concern. Despite the many debates on larger issues of sovereignty, territorial integrity and self-determination, these decisions should and will ultimately be judged by whether or not they lead to improved respect for human rights, especially the rights of those people belonging to the Serb, Roma and other minority communities in Kosovo. The members of the minority communities deserve to be treated as people, not as pawns in a fight over territory and power. They should be allowed to integrate rather than remain isolated, and they should not be discouraged from integration when opportunities arise. I remain deeply concerned that these issues are not being given the attention they deserve. Whatever Kosovo becomes, OSCE and other international human rights standards must apply. Similarly, there is a need to ensure that justice is vigorously pursued for the victims of horrendous human rights violations. Conditionality on assistance to Serbia, as well as on that country’s integration, must remain firmly in place until Belgrade cooperates fully in locating at-large indicted war criminals and facilitating their transfer to the ICTY in The Hague. It is an outrage that Ratko Mladic and Radovan Karadzic remain at large. After refusing to take meaningful action on these cases, Serbia can not be let off the hook now, but should be pressed to comply with its international obligations. A related issue is that of missing persons. Ten years after Dayton, additional mass graves continued to be uncovered, and the identification of the remains of relatives and loved ones is important for the survivors of past atrocities and their societies. The Commission recently held a briefing on identifying remains found in mass graves in Bosnia, and I hope that support for determining the fate of missing persons can be further strengthened. While some progress has been made in combating trafficking in persons in the region, all countries there need to intensify their efforts to end this modern-day form of slavery. Political will and adequate resources will be required, including through enhanced efforts by law enforcement and more vigorous prosecution of traffickers while providing protection for their victims. Religious freedoms also remain a cause for concern. Various laws in the region allegedly providing for religious freedom do more to restrict this fundamental right by establishing thresholds for registration, by discriminating against small or new religious groups through tiers of recognition with associated privileges for traditional faiths, and by precluding the sharing of creeds or limiting free speech. These restrictions are particularly burdensome to smaller religious groups and can lead to stigmatization, harassment, and discrimination against their members. For instance, Kosovo’s new religion law singles out certain communities for special status while failing to address how other religious groups can obtain juridical personality as a religious organization, thereby creating a significant legal void from the start. I urge Kosovo authorities to follow the progressive Albanian system and create a neutral registration system of general applicability. Macedonia is considering a draft law now, and I hope authorities will fully adopt the recommendations of the OSCE Panel of Experts on Religious Freedom, as certain provisions of the draft regarding the granting of legal personality need additional refinement. I similarly call on Serbian officials to amend their current law and ensure all groups seeking registration receive legal status. Meanwhile, there is a need to step up efforts to respect the sanctity and ensure the safety of places of worship that have in the past been the targets of ethnically-based violence in Kosovo, Bosnia, Serbia and elsewhere. Mr. Speaker, concerted efforts by courageous leaders in the Balkans and elsewhere have helped move the region from the edge of the abyss to the threshold for a brighter and more prosperous future. I congratulate the countries of southeastern Europe on the progress achieved thus far and encourage them to make further progress to ensure that all of the people of the region benefit. Countries
Remarks on Passage of H. Res. 578, Concerning the Government of Romania's Ban on Intercountry Adoptions and on the Welfare of Orphaned and Abandoned Children in Romania
90th Commemoration of the Armenian Genocide
A Fine Sense of Irony
Displaced Persons Facing Serious Obstacles in Russia
Certification of Assistance to Serbia
Human Rights in Belarus and Russia | 情感 |
2014-15/2199/en_head.json.gz/6914 | To Write Love On Her Arms
Size M To Write Love On Her Arms | TWLOHA
Share TWLOHA with Friends
TWLOHA It begins with the story of Renee, a troubled 19 year-old inneed the feeling of true love and hope. Her story of recovery inspired a mission of presenting hope and finding help for those who are in constant battle with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. To Write Love On Her Arms, also known as TWLOHA is a non-profit movement created to spread awareness of help and community to people who struggle with these issues. Their vision is to see a world of change, reaching out to those who feel alone, but are actually one of many. Beginning in 2006, To Write Love On Her Arms printed and sold tee shirts to pay for a friend's treatment, dedicating a MySpace page to the project. Bands, Switchfoot and Anberlin were the first to be seen in the TWLOHA tees and the word spread fast alogn with its story. Now To Write Love On Her Arms is sending the message through Zumiez, carrying tees, tanks, hoodies, and even TWLOHA bracelets so you can be a part of the Love Movement.
Find out more about To Write Love On Her Arms There are no products matching the selection. retailerId1265e269
categoryROOT CATALOG>DEFAULT CATEGORY>BRANDS>TO WRITE LOVE ON HER ARMS | 情感 |
2014-15/2199/en_head.json.gz/9323 | Who Can Foster and Adopt
How to Foster
Register with AdoptUSKids
State Adoption and Foster Care Information
Post-Adoption Resources
How to Photolistand Manage Cases
Real Stories About Adoption And Foster Care
Share Your Story With Us
Nominate a Caseworkerof the Month
Search for Children
State Photolists
NRCDR
AdoptUSKids / News and Annoucements / Outstanding Caseworkers / June 2013 Caseworker of the Month
Outstanding Caseworkers
Adoption and Foster Care Information
[email protected]
June 2013 Caseworker of the Month
Denise Pascoal
Woodstock, Illinois A smooth transition from the beginning
Foster families and caseworkers both want what is best for children, but that doesn't mean there isn't room for misunderstanding and suspicion.
Denise Pascoal, child welfare advanced specialist for the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services in Woodstock, has taken on some daunting challenges, but has been able to realign the focus onto what is best for the children by being up front and patient with both foster and birth parents.
“There is nothing easy about being involved with us,” Pascoal said of children and families in the child welfare system. “So we are trying to make it as smooth a transition as possible. That starts right from the beginning.”
Getting on the same page
For her work ensuring the best interests of the children are being put first by building and mending relationships with birth and foster families, Pascoal has been selected as our June Caseworker of the Month.
In order to move forward, whether the child is going to return to their birth families, or remain in foster care with the goal of adoption, Pascoal knows it is going to take getting multiple people on the same page.
And key to accomplishing those goals is trust, she said.
'A bigger mess than usual'
An example is a case concerning two siblings – a girl, now 3, and a boy, now 4 – that she took over from a private agency. The children were split between two foster families. At some point before Pascoal took over, a rift formed, and the two families become suspicious of each other and of caseworkers, fearing their child was going to be removed and placed with his or her sibling. She was also working with the birth family of the children.
Kathy Berry, Pascoal's supervisor at the time, said this kind of thing happened frequently.
“But this was a bigger mess than usual,” Berry said.
The best interests of the child
How Pascoal handled it caught Berry's eye, and led to Pascoal's nomination to Caseworker of the Month.
“Within a few months, Denise had helped the foster parents overcome their issues by building a relationship centered on the best interests of the children they would eventually adopt,” wrote Berry in her nomination. “At the same time, Denise worked closely with the parents to help them make the decision to allow their children to be adopted by their current foster parents. All of her hard work culminated in two successful adoptions occurring in December 2012, with the siblings and adoptive parents attending adoption court on the same day, celebrating together.”
Time, honesty, and consistency
The object became getting the families to communicate so the siblings could visit, and be a part of each other's lives.
“It took a long time to get them to believe in me, and that I wouldn't take their child,” Pascoal said. “That was their fear, they would have their child snatched from them.”
Time, honesty, and consistency was essential to building that trust.
“Once they learned to trust me, they knew I believe in full disclosure, and I'm not going to sugar coat anything,” Pascoal said. “I believe you have to be honest with foster families.”
“I think it was a lot of patience on her part to assure each family that it was in the best interest of the children to know each other,” Berry said. “She built that rapport and trust, and they gave the other family a chance.”
Although the finalization occurred on the same day, the adoption approval didn't.
“One sibling was approved before the other,” Pascoal said. “The first family said they would wait, so they could be adopted on the same day. It was really nice. I've seen photos of them at each other's houses, they are invited to each other's birthday parties. They really have invested themselves in each other's families.
The best of her ability
When she heard from Berry that she had been selected as Caseworker of the Month, Pascoal at first thought it was Berry trying to cheer her up during a difficult day.
“I thought she was joking,” Pascoal said, noting that she doesn't think of herself as going above and beyond. “I'm just doing my job to the best of my ability.”
Originally from the North Shore area outside of Chicago, she has two children, 3 and 7. Pascoal was interested in studying business when she entered Carthage College in Kenosha, Wisconsin, but ended up taking her degree in criminal justice, with an inclination toward working with juveniles.
After college, she worked for Big Brothers/Big Sisters, and began with the department in 2004. First she worked in investigations, then in 2008 transferred to placements. She also went back to school and received her masters in social work from the George Williams College of Aurora University in Aurora, Illinois.
“I don't want to say it fell into my lap, it was something I walked into,” she said. “It's not just a job.”
The work can be stressful, Pascoal said, but she enjoys it for the variety.
“There isn't one day that is the same. I'm not behind a desk, I'm out and about. I interact with so many different kinds of people, that's the part of the job that I enjoy the most.”
Inspired by this story?
Child Welfare Professionals: See the May 2013 E-Notes newsletter from the National Resource Center for Diligent Recruitment at AdoptUSKids for strategies on recruiting and retaining families.
Families: Take action by learning more about deciding to pursue adoption and deciding to pursue fostering.
Media: Consider sharing this story or taking advantage of our resources for the media to help raise awareness.
Read more caseworker of the month stories Get Social
Who Can Foster & Adopt
State Foster Care and Adoption Information
Free Diligent Recruitment Resources
How to Photolist and Manage Cases
Join our PSA Campaign
Nominate a Caseworker of the Month
Caseworker of the Month
National Resource Center for Diligent Recruitment
Diligent Recruitment Grantees
AdoptUSKids Respite Program
Contact Us | Privacy Policy | Terms of Use | Disclaimers
AdoptUSKids is operated by the Adoption Exchange Association and is made possible by grant number 90CQ0003 from the Children’s Bureau. The contents of this website are solely the responsibility of the Adoption Exchange Association and do not necessarily represent the official views of the Children’s Bureau, ACYF, ACF, or HHS. The Children’s Bureau funds AdoptUSKids as part of a network of National Resource Centers established by the Children’s Bureau. Find out more about us.
© 2002-2014 Adoption Exchange Association. All rights reserved. 4 | 情感 |
2014-15/2199/en_head.json.gz/9982 | Love & Learn
Jennifer Aniston Better Know What She's Doing With This Ultimatum Talk
by Lindsay Mannering
Rumor has it that Jennifer Aniston is going to leave Justin Theroux at the end of the year if they're not engaged or married. Apparently, she told a friend who told a tabloid that she's not waiting past 2012. Aside from whether or not it's true, it does raise an interesting point about ultimatums. Are they ever a good idea?
I think there are two types of ultimatums when it comes to matters of the heart -- one that's external and one that's internal. The first is when you tell your boyfriend that he better propose this year or you're gonna leave/burn his clothes/expose his weird fetishes/etc. The second is when you set your own timeline for when you'll be ready to leave/burn his clothes/expose his weird fetishes/etc. if things don't turn out as you hoped. The first kind is totally destructive, the second one is totally empowering. Forcing someone to be with you is a bad idea. We all know that there isn't a happy marriage on Earth that started with a threat. If you want to get married, there are better ways to broach the subject than "marry me or else!"
Obviously this goes without saying, but having a straightforward conversation about your future is never a bad idea. It's hard, but it's worth it. Also, drunk rants about "where this is going" never really move things forward, no matter how clearly you think you're coming across, so make sure to communicate while sober.
Once you've laid out your wants, needs, desires, hopes, and dreams, then I think it's fair to set an end date that you won't wait past. After you've had the talk, maybe give it six months, or a year, or however long you want, but giving yourself your own ultimatum will help keep your eye on the prize. Otherwise, you may be waiting for someone or something that will never come.
What do you think about ultimatums? Photo via Pacific Coast News
Lindsay Mannering
is a blogger, a pub quiz connoisseur, and a spicy food athlete. | 情感 |
End of preview.
Industry models play a crucial role in driving enterprise intelligence transformation and innovative development. High-quality industry data is key to improving the performance of large models and realizing industry applications. However, datasets currently used for industry model training generally suffer from issues such as insufficient data volume, low quality, and lack of domain expertise.
To address these problems, we constructed and applied 22 industry data processing operators to clean and filter 3.4TB of high-quality multi-industry classified Chinese and English language pre-training datasets from over 100TB of open-source datasets including WuDaoCorpora, BAAI-CCI, redpajama, and SkyPile-150B. The filtered data consists of 1TB of Chinese data and 2.4TB of English data. To facilitate user utilization, we annotated the Chinese data with 12 types of labels including alphanumeric ratio, average line length, language confidence score, maximum line length, and perplexity.
Furthermore, to validate the dataset's performance, we conducted continued pre-training, SFT, and DPO training on a medical industry demonstration model. The results showed a 20% improvement in objective performance and a subjective win rate of 82%.
Industry categories: 18 categories including medical, education, literature, finance, travel, law, sports, automotive, news, etc. Rule-based filtering: Traditional Chinese conversion, email removal, IP address removal, link removal, Unicode repair, etc. Chinese data labels: Alphanumeric ratio, average line length, language confidence score, maximum line length, perplexity, toxicity character ratio, etc. Model-based filtering: Industry classification language model with 80% accuracy Data deduplication: MinHash document-level deduplication Data size: 1TB Chinese, 2.4TB English
Industry classification data size:
| Industry Category | Data Size (GB) | Industry Category | Data Size (GB) |
|---|---|---|---|
| Programming | 4.1 | Politics | 326.4 |
| Law | 274.6 | Mathematics | 5.9 |
| Education | 458.1 | Sports | 442 |
| Finance | 197.8 | Literature | 179.3 |
| Computer Science | 46.9 | News | 564.1 |
| Technology | 333.6 | Film & TV | 162.1 |
| Travel | 82.5 | Medicine | 189.4 |
| Agriculture | 41.6 | Automotive | 40.8 |
| Emotion | 31.7 | Artificial Intelligence | 5.6 |
| Total (GB) | 3386.5 |
For the convenience of users to download and use, we have split the large dataset into sub-datasets for 18 industries. The current one is the sub-dataset for the emotion industry.
Data processing workflow:
- Downloads last month
- 98