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⌀ | Dialogue
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GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Comedy club) | You know, why we're here? To be out, this is out...and out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People...did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about...this whole thing, we're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. (imitates one of these people "tryin' to find us"; pretends his hand is a phone) "Did you ring?, I can't find him." (imitates other person on phone) "Where did he go?" (the first person again) "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out: you get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation...There you're staring around, whatta you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back! You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go. | Jerry | null |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Seems to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. (talking about George's shirt) The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it: it's too high! It's in no-man's-land, you look like you live with your mother. | Jerry | null |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Are you through? (kind of irritated) | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | You do of course try on, when you buy? | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons. | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Oh, you don't recall? | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (pretends he's talking into a microphone) Uh, no, not at this time. | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it. (a waitress approaches the table) | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Mister Seinfeld. (she pours coffee in his cup) Mister Costanza. (she wants to pour coffee, but George stops her) | Waitress | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Are, are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator? | George | Waitress |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | It's missing, I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right...it's very challenging work. (ironically) | Waitress | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Can you relax, it's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional waitress. | Jerry | Waitress |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Trust me George: no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine. (she pours the coffee and walks away) | Waitress | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | How come you're not doin' the second show tomorrow? | George | Waitress |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Well, there's this uh, woman might be comin' in. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Wait a second, wait a second, what coming in, what woman is coming in? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | I told you about Laura, the girl I met in Michigan? | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | No, you didn't! | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | I thought I told you about it, yes, she teaches political science? I met her the night I did the show in Lansing...(looks in the milk can) There's no milk in here, what... | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Wait wait wait, what is she, (takes the milk can from Jerry and puts it on the table) what is she like? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh...the conversation though, I mean, it was...talking with her is like talking with you, but, ya know, obviously much better. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (with a big smile) So, ya know, what, what happened? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Oh, nothing happened, ya know, but it was great. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Oh, nothing happened, but it was... | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Yeah. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | This is great! | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Yeah. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | So, ya know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you! | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Yeah, well...not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (whistles disapproving) Ho ho ho, "Had to"? "Had to come in"? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Yeah, but... | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Yeah! | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | No...no...no, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman. | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (indignant) What, are you serious...why, why did she call? | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | How do I know, maybe, ya know, maybe she wanted to be polite. | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | To be polite? You are insane! | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | All right, all right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Yes! | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan of contingency! | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Oh, I get it, this is about the button. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (The waitress(Claire) passes the table; George stops her and writes something on his note-block) Claire, Claire, you're a woman, right? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | What gave it away, George? | Claire | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Uhm...I'd like to ask you...ask you to analyze a hypothetical phone call, ya know, from a female point of view. | George | Claire |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (to George) Oh, come on now, what are you asking her? Now, how is she gonna know? | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (to Claire) Now, a woman calls me, all right? She says she has to (makes some gestures to accent "has to") come to New York on business... | George | Claire |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Oh you are beautiful! (ironically) | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | and, and maybe (again some gestures) she'll see me when she gets there, does this woman intend to spend time with me? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | I'd have to say: uuhh, no. (George shows his note-block to Jerry, it says very largely: NO) | Claire | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (to Claire) So why did she call? | George | Claire |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | To be polite. | Claire | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | To be polite, I rest my case. | George | Claire |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Good. Did you have fun? You have no idea, what you're talking about, now, come on, come with me (stands up), I, I gotta go get my stuff out of the dryer anyway. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | I'm not gonna watch you do laundry. | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Oh, come on, be a "come-with-guy". | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | Come on, I'm tired. | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (to Jerry) Don't worry, I gave him a little caffeine: he'll perk up. | Claire | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Pete's luncheonette. Jerry and George are sitting at a table.) | (takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes; panics) Right, I knew I felt something...! (Jerry is laughing, Claire walks away with a smile) | George | Claire |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Jerry? I have to tell ya somethin':...this is the dullest moment I've ever experienced. (walks away from the dryer; a man passes George and Jerry) | George | null |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Well, look at this guy! Look, he's got everything, he's got: detergents, sprays, fabric softeners; this is not his first load. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | I need a break, Jerry, ya know, I gotta get out of the city, I feel so cramped... | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | And you didn't even hear how she sounded. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | What?! | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Laura. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | I can't believe: (falls on his knees) | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Yeah, but how could you be so sure? | Jerry | We Already Discussed This! |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | (gets up) 'Cause it's signals, Jerry (starts snapping his fingers), it's signals! Don't you....all right. Did she even ask you, what you were doin' tomorrow night, if you were busy? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | No. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | She calls you today and she doesn't make a plan for tomorrow? What is that? It's Saturday night! | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Yeah. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | What is that? It's ridiculous! (Jerry bobs agreeingly) You don't even know, what hotel she's staying at, you can't call her. That's a signal, Jerry, that's a signal! (snaps his fingers again) Signal! | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Maybe you're right. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Maybe I'm right? Of course I'm right. | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | This is insane. You know, I don't even know where she's staying! She, she's not gonna call me, this is unbelievable. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | (puts an arm around Jerry and whispers) I know, I know. (normal voice) Listen, your stuff has to be done by know, why don't you just see if it's dried? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | No no no, don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working, it, it knows what it's doing, just let it finish. | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | You're gonna "overdry" it. | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | You, you can't "overdry". | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Why not? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | Same as you can't "overwet". (George looks puzzled) You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with dead: like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you: you're not gonna die again, you're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry". | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | (looks at the other persons in the laundry and says to them pointing to Jerry) Any questions? | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | How could she not tell me where she was staying? (George stands by the dryer again and secretly opens it: the dryer stops working and George closes the lid) | Jerry | George |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Laundry. Jerry and George are there; George is staring at one of the dryers) | (points to the dryer) Look at that: they're done! It's a miracle! (Jerry looks surprised) | George | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Comedy club) | "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the live of clothes. It is...no, think about it: the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. Ya know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there...shirt grabs the underwear: "C'mon babe, let's gather". You come by, you open up the lid and they'll: (shows how clothes are acting when you open the lid)...Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives, they're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers...the dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They knew a escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper, the night before: (sock's voice) "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm goin'...you wait here!" The dryer-door swings open and the sock is waiting up against the side wall. They hope you don't see him and then he goes down the road (shows how the sock is going down the road). They got buttons sewed on their faces: join the puppet show...So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood-stains...Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood-stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now...Maybe you oughta get the harpoon out your chest first. | Jerry | null |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | (The phone rings. He picks it up and says:) If you know what happened in the Mets-game, don't say anything, I taped it, hello... Yeah, no, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number...Yeah, no (somebody knocks at the door) Yeah? (to the door, while still at the phone) | Jerry | null |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | (enters) Are you up? | Kramer | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | (To Kramer) Yeah...(in the phone) Yeah, people do move! Have you ever seen the big trucks out on the street? Yeah, no problem (hangs up the phone). | Jerry | Kramer |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh? | Kramer | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | (upset) Ooohhhh, what are you doing? Kramer, it's a tape! (actually I can't understand the name; maybe "Kramer" wasn't named "Kramer" in the pilot!) I taped the game, it's one o'clock in the morning! I avoided human contact all night to watch this. | Jerry | Kramer |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | Hey, I'm sorry, I...ya know, I, I thought you knew...(takes two loaves of bread out of his pockets) You got any meat? | Kramer | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | (a little irritated) Meat? I don't, I don't know, go...hunt! (Kramer walks to the refrigerator and sticks his head in) Well what, what happened in the game anyway? | Jerry | Kramer |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | (still with his head in the refrigerator) What happened? Well, they STUNK, that's what happened! (takes some meat from the refrigerator and closes it) Ya know, I almost wound up going to that game. | Kramer | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | (cynical) Yeah you almost went to the game. You haven't been out of the building in ten years! | Jerry | Kramer |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | Yeah. (Jerry sits down on the couch. Kramer sits down next to him and starts turning over the pages of a magazine. Suddenly he spots an article he likes and tears it out. Jerry looks at him with a "what-the-h...-are-you-doing-look" and Kramer asks:) Are you done with this? | Kramer | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | No. | Jerry | Kramer |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | (glues the article back with his own saliva and puts the magazine back on the table) When you're done, let me know. | Kramer | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | Yeah, yeah...you can have it tomorrow. | Jerry | Kramer |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend. | Kramer | Jerry |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | No, it's OK now, that, that girl is not comin' uh, I, I misread the whole thing. | Jerry | Kramer |
GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS | (Jerry's apartment. Jerry is watching TV) | You want me to talk to her? | Kramer | Jerry |