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Can you share a joke that involves rip larry?

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

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How about a joke related to net neutrality? Do you have one?

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to ctrl key. Do you have one?

V V *Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to epstein commited?

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been. Edit: Thank you to the Redditors that awarded this post. To everybody else I’m sorry I typed your instead of you’re.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to getting reassigned that you could tell me?

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine... He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

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Can you share a joke that involves white actors?

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum. They're the Tolkien white guys. Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit. ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

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Would you be willing to share a joke about ajit pai with me?

Ajit Pai. That's it. That's the whole fucking joke. EDIT: Removed edits, people don't like those. [](/rdcry)

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Would you be willing to share a joke about detonating bomb with me?

What did the reddit user say after detonating a bomb inside a bank? EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

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What's a funny joke that relates to presidential election?

The 2016 US Presidential Election That's it. That's the entire fucking joke.

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Do you know any jokes related to hawaii early?

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to net neutrality that you could tell me?

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to cold outside?

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time. You see, it used to get cold outside

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Do you know any jokes related to 2020 vision?

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years I don’t have 2020 vision This is the only day you can upvote this EDIT: Thank you sm for r/all ! Happy New Years!

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves storm vatican?

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about female whale?

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas

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How about a joke related to home parrot? Do you have one?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Can you think of a joke that centers around impeach trump?

Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump? Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

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How about a joke related to south border? Do you have one?

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada. Edit: Sorry.

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I'm in the mood for a joke about shutdown bad. Do you have any good ones?

This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing

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What's a good joke that relates to currency dad?

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency. Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with funniest jokes?

The funniest /r/jokes has ever been None

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with anal virginity?

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight! Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves child crying.

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis

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Can you think of a joke that centers around liberals acting?

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights.... Like he's a Muslim or something.

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to base united?

The front page is filled with memes in reference to that guy being dragged off of a plane. I can't remember the last time the entire reddit user base was so... ... United.

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Can you think of a joke that centers around lee funeral?

For anyone attending Stan Lee's funeral... Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.

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What's a funny joke that relates to koreans believe?

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media. When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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Do you know any jokes related to disney owns?

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons. [deleted]

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Do you know any jokes related to scandal elongate?

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal Elongate would be really drawn out.

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to mumble rapper. Do you have one?

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence Edit: i am aware he isnt a mumble rapper

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves letters?

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

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Do you know any jokes related to joke monocle?

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :) A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke." So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

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Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves kilograms overnight?

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to arrest suspicion that you could tell me?

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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Would you be willing to share a joke about accidentally cheating with me?

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask Whoops, wrong sub

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with telling lion?

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before". So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..." Edit: OMG my first gold! Thank you!

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What's a good joke that relates to book club?

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years? Church Edit: Holy shit. On the front page of reddit. Well this blew up overnight... Thanks for the golds! I really don't deserve this.

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Would you happen to have a joke about mark read that you could tell me?

If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called, [deleted]

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with budweiser wife?

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?" His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "Shes in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves anal upvote.

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes, I can get anal. Please upvote because I want this house to be spotless.

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves generation sucks?

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

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Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with fibers jim?

Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. ...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have *got* to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot." EDIT: Wow. This blew up. Thanks to everyone for their kind words and thanks to those of you who gave Gold and Silver. Frankincense and Myrrh are also accepted.

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to election black?

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."

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Can you think of a joke that centers around gordon ramsay?

What is Gordon Ramsay's favorite subreddit? It's fucking r/aww edit: Fucking hell this blew up overnight. Thanks, you fuckin useless sacks of yankee dankee doodle shite

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to girlfriend borrowed?

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about changing rap?

R Kelly is really changing the rap game He takes the art out of rap artist

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves female janitor?

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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What's a funny joke that relates to protection?

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible? Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Guy : Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.. Doctor : Good! You understood the story. Next patient please..

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Do you know any jokes related to girlfriend word?

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about situation bartender?

A man walks into a bar... The bartender asks "Why the long face?" The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death." The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself." The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?" The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy." The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar. A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face. "Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously. "Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

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How about a joke related to telling jokes? Do you have one?

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive. A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about wifi password?

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678 Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger. Edit2: I can make a whole wordlist with all the password in here 😁.

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Can you think of a joke that relates to stoned leviticus that you could tell me?

By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly: **"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv] Edit1: a typo Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves 10 imaginary?

My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. A solid 10, but also imaginary.

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I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about findings meaningless?

Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context." Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."

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I'm in the mood for a joke about trump worm. Do you have any good ones?

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a worm? One of them is a slimy, loathsome creature incapable of complex thought, the other one actually shows up when it rains.

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Would you happen to have a joke about happy valentines that you could tell me?

There's love without sex and there's sex without love... Then there's You, without either. Happy Valentines

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves teeth flossiraptor?

Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor

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Can you think of a joke that relates to sevens eights that you could tell me?

I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".

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I'd love to hear a witty joke related to womb pronounced. Do you have one?

If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom" then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "BOOM" I hope that blew your minds Edit: Due to popular opinion "Well, this post blew up". And thanks to the anonymous person who gave me my first award ever!

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What's a good joke that relates to coronavirus china?

All countries eventually got coronavirus But China got it right off the bat.

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Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with dave boss?

My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'

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Do you know any jokes related to asking australia?

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves sex position.

My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ... It's where I flip your MOM over

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Could you please entertain me with a joke related to jewish girl?

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number. I told her we use names here.

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Tell me a humorous joke that involves sam spontaneously.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam. His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one. And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note... And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings. And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there. Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam. The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief. The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated. The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7." - EDIT - Wow, I came back and this really blew up! Thanks so much for the kind comments, and upvotes, and gold. I'm so glad I could give so many people a chuckle today!

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How about a joke related to ubisoft france? Do you have one?

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America? Because Ubisoft is in France.

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What's a good joke that relates to telling jokes?

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive. A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar. I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with. Here's the joke I told: "What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw your washing (laundry if you're American) in." One of the new friends instantly became enraged and swung for me. When I asked him what the hell his problem was he replied that his younger brother was epileptic and died in the bath many years ago. Obviously I felt mortified as I didn't know about it, and said "I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he drown?" "No," replied the guy. "He choked on a sock."

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Do you have a favorite joke that involves dog butcher?

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that relates to mailman perplexed that you could tell me?

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. *Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong.* The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about average ejaculation. Do you have any good ones?

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB That's a lot of information to swallow -wow thanks for the upvotes and gold

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about janitor clever?

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy. The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art." Edit: Thank you for the silver, gold, and platinum!

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Tell me a humorous joke that involves christmas joke.

Christmas joke (NSFW) A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about moose terrorist?

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack. Those damn moose limbs.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with bartender remarks?

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves conspiracy theorists?

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with dwayne johnson?

A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule." The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it. I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her: "Your chest is fucking epic."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you be willing to share a joke about write sand with me?

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about change light that you could tell me?

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb? One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you share a joke that involves keeping michelle?

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again. One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning. Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted. Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real* internet.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about accidentally farts that you could tell me?

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves trump wall?

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to lawyer present?

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you know any jokes related to funeral?

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy. The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you please entertain me with a joke related to hole countries?

Trump should not have said "shit-hole countries". The correct term is "turd-world countries".

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about giving dimes. Do you have any good ones?

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you think of a joke that centers around south border?

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. [deleted]

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to nsfw mother?

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Could you tell me a funny joke that has to do with bring mp5?

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Can you make me chuckle with a joke that involves jim old?

The husband leans over and asks his wife "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to killed cockroach?

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

What's a funny joke that relates to fetish figuring?

I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out. I just came to that realization.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Mind sharing a joke with me that has to do with postmen angry?

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN... They become VERY ANGRY.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Do you have a favorite joke that involves engagement serena?

Many people are surprised by the engagement of Serena Williams and Alexis Ohanian, but not me. If I founded reddit I'd be searching for better servers too.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm in the mood for a joke about sex tarzan. Do you have any good ones?

Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for? "Check for squirrel." he responds

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

Would you happen to have a joke about congress impeach that you could tell me?

Why will the congress never impeach Trump? Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

How about a joke related to asking australia? Do you have one?

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you... “School” is my answer

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I could use a good laugh. How about a joke about comparing apples?

Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair. EDIT: epic

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'd love to hear a witty joke related to taken irishman. Do you have one?

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."  The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes

I'm curious if you have a joke up your sleeve that pertains to french nightie?

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone...yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you...can't wait to see you...we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote... "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.

SocialGrep/one-million-reddit-jokes