metaeval/offensive-humor · Datasets at Hugging Face

score int64 -1 14.3k	title stringlengths 1 309 ⌀	selftext stringlengths 1 40k ⌀
39	Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.	They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent." Evidently the [World's second-funniest joke](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke)
4	some cheesy ones, but they're some of my favorites	What's a ghost's favorite thing to get at the bakery? booberry muffins! What did the ghost mom say to her ghost son? Make sure to buckle your sheetbelt!! Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second and says "Gee, its getting pretty hot in here" second one yells "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"
12	What kind of horses go out after dark?	Nightmares!
28	A man in Alaska was feeling lonely...	So he decided to get a puppy. After finding a puppy and bringing him home, his friends began to mock him for his decision. They said things like, "Look at how fat your dog is! He can barely walk he's so fat!" The man replied, "Hey! He's not fat, he's just a little husky"
13	Where did George Washington keep his armies?	In his sleevies!
91	What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks?	A fun-guy to be with!
80	What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?	Look Dad, no hands!
37	What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming towards him?	Oh look, a herd of elephants. What did he say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses? Nothing, he didn't recognise them. What did he say when he saw a herd of hippos wearing sunglasses coming towards? Those elephants aren't going to trick me this time.
29	whats brown and rhymes with snoop?	Dr Dre
21	Why did the chicken kill itself?	To get to the other side.
16	whats brown and sticky?	a stick!
11	I can't stand Russian Dolls...	They're always so full of themselves!
35	Two chemists walk into a bar (x-post from /r/jokes, original post by DSSCRA)	Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work." The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.
20	When is the month when the most trees fall?	Sep-timber
25	Why Does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?	For drizzle, my nizzle. :D
39	The singer of System of a Down has a bodyguard...	..or, as we call it, a Serj protector.
18	What did the 0 say to the 8?	Nice belt!
46	Why did the turtle cross the road?	To get to the nearest Shell Station!
7	Flairs.	Hello. I just want to let you all know that I have added flairs to this subreddit. So far I have not managed to add pictures, as I don't know what pictures to use. We so far have; Joker, Jester and Comedian. If you can think of any pictures or words that I could add that would be very appreciated. Edit: I've added witty but I still need some new ideas.
8	What do you call an angry group of barley?	Mob Barley.
22	I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.	I can't put it down.
23	What do you say to someone who is making a cardboard belt?	"That's a waist of paper!"
6	What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?	Rubber-Toe! (Roberto)
12	Why are Wendy's burger square?	Because Dave Thomas never cut corners. Best if told to someone who is eating a Wendy's burger and if you two happen to be talking about perserverance or something along the lines of "never cutting corners in life"
2	what do you call a fake noodle?	An impasta! :D
34	What do you call cheese that isn't yours?	Nacho cheese!
27	Wanna hear a dirty joke?	A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
67	I'm in the terminator musical.	I'll be Bach.
86	Will you tell you the story of the huge sad wall?	I shouldn't, you'll never get over it.
10	They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.	Well, no ones laughing now.
0	I finally finished baby proofing the house.	Let's see those babies get in here now.
8	Why do elephants hide behind trees?	To trip ants.
0	Why do ducks have webbed feet?	To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.
13	How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?	Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
16	What is the difference between a Siberian husky and an Alaskan husky?	About 1500 miles.
23	What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?	Camembert!
1	There were two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other...	Can you smell Carrots?
61	What do you call a black and white bird that can't win, nor fly.	A peng-lose.
8	What do you call a cow that picks on his friends?	A bully!
7	Did you hear about the fortune teller that...	Had bad breath, calluses all over his body and couldn't win a fight? He was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with halitosis.
4	2 fish in a tank, one says to the other	Do you know how to drive this thing?
15	Why is there very little honey in Belgium?	Because there is only one B in Belgium
0	Where does dubious pasta come from?	The spaghetto. I can't take all the credit, however: I heard the word from [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/xdp4k/the_gaydar/c5lnkep) guy
11	Knock knock. Who's there? A cow. A cow who?	Not a cow "who"! A cow moos. An owl says "who".
4	What did one banana say to the other?	Nothing. Bananas can't speak. What did the elephant say to the banana? [Nothing. Elephants know bananas can't hear either](/spoiler)
4	Two muffins were sitting an oven...	one says " Wow it's hot in here.", then the other muffin responds with "Oh my god, a talking muffin!".
3	A frog called Jim walks into a bank...	And says "I need £1,000 in cash, but all I have to give you as collateral is this." he subsequently puts a ceramic pig on the desk. The cashier, who's name is Patty Black, (who is still stunned by a talking frog) goes to as her manager wether she should give the loan. He ponders for a moment until he says "It's a knick knack, Patty Black. So give the frog a loan." That is all.
7	What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?	A Carrot
36	What do you call a pig in a bush?	Hambush.
24	How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?	A buccaneer.
0	What do you call a cow with three legs?	Tri-tip.
16	What do you call a cow with one leg?	Steak.
41	What did one banana say to the other banana?	Nothing. Bananas can't talk. What did the elephant say to the banana? [Nothing. The elephant knew that bananas can't hear either.](/spoiler)
20	When does one play a corny game?	You play it by ear.
0	What do you call a cow with no legs?	Ground beef.
32	Two dogs are going on a walk down the street	They walk past a few parking meters and one dog says to the other, "Hey, check it out! Pay toilets!"
1	Bee jokes, courtesy of my niece (age 8).	What did the bee use to dry off after swimming? A beech towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles? A honeycomb.
0	What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man?	WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes
18	What did batman say to robin before robin got in the car?	get in the car
8	What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter?	envelope
1	Velcro	What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine.
7	Why did the mushroom go to the party?	Because he was a fun guy.
68	What do you call a cat in an iron man suit ?	Iron Meow.
4	What is robot jazz called?	Beep Boop Bop!
41	Whats the problem with tainted money?	It taint yours and it taint mine :D (Puns for the win? :D)
27	String walks into a bar	A string walks into a bar.... He sits down , look at the bartender and says " hey, ill have a beer and a shot of whiskey please".. The bartender looks at him and says "im sorry, but you are a string... we cant serve you here".. the string goes home, very upset. The next day he decides to try again. He walks into the bar, sits down and orders a shot of tequila and a beer. the bartender says " look , i told you yesterday buddy, we cant serve alcohol to a string... sorry" once again , he goes home. The next day, he REALLY wants a drink... He gets a pair of scissors an chops up one end of himself to look like human hair, then he ties himself like a shoelace to make it look like he has arms. He walks up to the bar and orders a beer... The bartender says " sure sir , that will be $3.50" but as he puts it down he looks at the string and says " Wait a minute, arent you that string that has been coming here every day? The string looks at him and says " No , Im AFrayed Knot." :o)
66	How do you get down from an elephant?	You don't, you get down from a duck
21	What do you call a plastic sheep?	Lambinated!
0	A man walks into a bar...	He says "Ow"
2	So a frog walks into the bank...	A frog walks into the bank looking for a loan. In his hands he has a small glass figurine as collateral. He walks up to the first teller, her name was Patty Black, and says "Ma 'am, I'm looking for a loan." He holds up his figurine. Then she tells him that she can't help him. He asks to see the manager. The frog explains the situation and the manager looks to the teller and says "Its a knickknack Patty Black, give the frog a loan! "
9	What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?	A pool table. [Thanks, Wagon Train camper!]
2	I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...	I don't know why.
16	A termite walks into a pub	And asks "where's the bar tender?"
33	Two guys walk into a bar...	the third one ducks.
10	A 600 story hotel..	Tom, Phil and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high. Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan. For the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
12	Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car?	So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"
37	So I was feeling down the other day...	My friend wanted to cheer me up, so he told me 10 jokes to make me feel better. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
19	Two silk worms had a race.	They ended up in a tie.
11	Did you hear the one about the three eggs?	Too Bad.
73	What do you call a dishonest rapper?	Snoop Lyin'
12	An Orchestra Joke (kinda long)	An orchestra director has a big concert coming up, and he and his orchestra have been rehearsing all day. At the end of their final song, there is a large cymbal crash, and the percussionists always miss it. Angered, the director asks why. "There simply aren't enough percussionists to cover all of these parts. No one can get to it in time." Frustrated, the director walks out of the hall and finds a homeless man. He offers the man some money in return for playing this one cymbal crash at the end of the concert. The homeless man agrees and follows the director back into the hall. They run the tune one more time, and the homeless man does great! Satisfied, the director lets everyone go home for the night. On the night of the concert, the director is anxiously directing his orchestra, and he gives the cue for the big cymbal crash at the end. The homeless man misses it. The director, who is now furious, rages through the orchestra and kills the man. The police come and take the director to prison, and he is sentenced to death. On his final night in prison, the guard asks the man what he wants as his last meal. He replies, "I would love 10,000 pounds of bananas." The guard, though puzzled, complies and brings him 10,000 pounds of bananas. On the day of his execution, the man is lead to the electric chair. After the first shock, he does not die. After the second shock, he still doesn't die. After the third shock, he still doesn't die! So the guards release him. The guard, puzzled by this asks the man if he knew something they didn't about having so many bananas in your system. The man replies, "No, I guess I'm just a bad conductor." ba-dum tss
0	Difference between a dead squirrel and a dead drummer in the road?	http://imgur.com/PKibj The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.
7	knock-knock	knock-knock, whos there?, one, one who? one who three!
23	What do you call an old soldier who has been sprinkled in salt and pepper?	A seasoned veteran.
9	What's brown and sticky?	A stick
128	I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator.	He was such a flatterer.
37	I the shell off a snail yesterday...	you'd think it would move faster, but it was really kinda sluggish.
6	I saw a documentary on how they make jeans...	It was riveting.
21	Why did the melon get married in a church?	Because he was in love with a cantaloupe.
4	I tried using a broken pencil today...	But it was pointless
1	Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon...	Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704
8	So, I have this new knock knock joke—	You start... (when you get it)
30	Knock knock.	Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup........ MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [Works best IRL](/spoiler)
16	Series of Cheesy Jungle Jokes	I always like to tell these in a series. I also like to milk jokes (drag them out a little longer than you would expect) so prepare for the cheese. There's a little flexibility in how you tell these jokes, and if you have any other jokes about jungle animals you can mix them in, but some of the order is very important (especially the first and las jokes). Here is my preferred order: Q. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator? A. Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door. Q. How do you put a tiger in the refrigerator? A. Open the door, take the elephant out, put the tiger in, and close the door. Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. It was dead. Q. Why did a second monkey fall out of the tree? A. It was stapled to the first monkey. Q. Why did a third monkey fall out of the tree? A. It was taped to the second monkey. Q. Why did ANOTHER monkey fall out of the tree? A. Peer pressure. Q. What do an apple and an elephant have in common? A. They're both red... except for the elephant. (I like to say the first part, then wait a beat before the second part) Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? A. Their color! Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming through the jungle? A. Look! Here come the elephants! Q. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming through the jungle? A. Look! Here come the plums. ... She's colorblind! Q. There's a big meeting in the jungle and all the animals come, except for one. Which one and why? A. The tiger! You left him in the refrigerator! One last note - you can mix it up if people guess an answer that's a little too close. So for the monkey joke, if somebody guesses tape or something stupid after the stapler comment, go deadpan and say "No, peer pressure." Just one example. Enjoy and have fun!
19	Chicken at the Library	A chicken walks into a library and up to the front desk. Seeing he has got the librarians attention, he says 'Book! Book! Book!' The librarian complies and puts a few books down. The chicken takes them and leaves. The next day, the librarian looks up to find the same chicken handing back the pile of books. 'Book! Book! Book!' says the chicken. The librarian takes the books and hands the chicken a few more. The chicken takes them and leaves. The next day, the librarian looks up once again to find the chicken handing back the second pile of books. 'Book! Book! Book!' says the chicken. The librarian shakes his head and hands him yet another pile of books. The chicken takes them and leaves. Wondering what the chicken could possibly want so many books for, the librarian decides to follow the chicken home. Through the carpark, down several roads, and finally into a large park; the chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small pond. The chicken stops at the side of the pond, and there he hands the books to a frog. The frog picks each book up in turn, looking at the titles, saying 'reddit... reddit... reddit....'
21	What does batman take in his whiskey?	Just ice.
0	Inflatable Boy	Once upon a time, there was an inflatable boy. The inflatable boy lived in an inflatable house, with an inflatable family. He went to an inflatable school with an inflatable teacher and even an inflatable principal. One day, the inflatable boy took a pin to his inflatable school. The inflatable teacher let out a gasp and sent him to the principal's office. The inflatable principal said, "I'm very disappointed in you son. You've let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the whole school down!"
18	knock knock	knock knock. who's there? pizza delivery guy. pizza delivery guy who? pizza delivery guy who's here to deliver the pizza you ordered.
9	Whats brown and rhymes with "snoop"?	Dr. Dre
1	My friend told an out of place joke about police searches.	But I don't think it was warranted.

0

39

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent." Evidently the [World's second-funniest joke](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World's_funniest_joke)

0

4

some cheesy ones, but they're some of my favorites

What's a ghost's favorite thing to get at the bakery? **boo**berry muffins! What did the ghost mom say to her ghost son? Make sure to buckle your **sheet**belt!! Two muffins are sitting in an oven. The first muffin turns to the second and says "Gee, its getting pretty hot in here" second one yells "Holy crap! A talking muffin!"

0

12

What kind of horses go out after dark?

Nightmares!

0

28

A man in Alaska was feeling lonely...

So he decided to get a puppy. After finding a puppy and bringing him home, his friends began to mock him for his decision. They said things like, "Look at how fat your dog is! He can barely walk he's so fat!" The man replied, "Hey! He's not fat, he's just a little husky"

0

13

Where did George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies!

0

91

What do you call a mushroom that buys all the drinks?

A fun-guy to be with!

0

80

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

Look Dad, no hands!

0

37

What did Tarzan say when he saw a herd of elephants coming towards him?

Oh look, a herd of elephants. What did he say when he saw a herd of elephants wearing sunglasses? Nothing, he didn't recognise them. What did he say when he saw a herd of hippos wearing sunglasses coming towards? Those elephants aren't going to trick me this time.

0

29

whats brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

0

21

Why did the chicken kill itself?

To get to the other side.

0

16

whats brown and sticky?

a stick!

0

11

I can't stand Russian Dolls...

They're always so full of themselves!

0

35

Two chemists walk into a bar (x-post from /r/jokes, original post by DSSCRA)

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have some H2O." The second says, "I'll have some water too. But why'd you order it like that? We aren't at work." The first chemist excuses himself and weeps in the bathroom. His assassination plot had failed.

0

20

When is the month when the most trees fall?

Sep-timber

0

25

Why Does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?

For drizzle, my nizzle. :D

0

39

The singer of System of a Down has a bodyguard...

..or, as we call it, a Serj protector.

0

18

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

0

46

Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the nearest Shell Station!

0

7

Flairs.

Hello. I just want to let you all know that I have added flairs to this subreddit. So far I have not managed to add pictures, as I don't know what pictures to use. We so far have; Joker, Jester and Comedian. If you can think of any pictures or words that I could add that would be very appreciated. Edit: I've added witty but I still need some new ideas.

0

8

What do you call an angry group of barley?

Mob Barley.

0

22

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

0

23

What do you say to someone who is making a cardboard belt?

"That's a waist of paper!"

0

6

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Rubber-Toe! (Roberto)

0

12

Why are Wendy's burger square?

Because Dave Thomas never cut corners. *Best if told to someone who is eating a Wendy's burger and if you two happen to be talking about perserverance or something along the lines of "never cutting corners in life"*

0

2

what do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta! :D

0

34

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese!

0

27

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

A white horse fell in a mud puddle.

0

67

I'm in the terminator musical.

I'll be Bach.

0

86

Will you tell you the story of the huge sad wall?

I shouldn't, you'll never get over it.

0

10

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, no ones laughing now.

0

I finally finished baby proofing the house.

Let's see those babies get in here now.

0

8

Why do elephants hide behind trees?

To trip ants.

0

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stomp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stomp out the burning ducks.

0

13

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

0

16

What is the difference between a Siberian husky and an Alaskan husky?

About 1500 miles.

0

23

What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?

Camembert!

0

1

There were two snowmen standing in a field, one says to the other...

Can you smell Carrots?

0

61

What do you call a black and white bird that can't win, nor fly.

A peng-lose.

0

8

What do you call a cow that picks on his friends?

A bully!

0

7

Did you hear about the fortune teller that...

Had bad breath, calluses all over his body and couldn't win a fight? He was a Super Callused Fragile Mystic Hexed with halitosis.

0

4

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other

Do you know how to drive this thing?

0

15

Why is there very little honey in Belgium?

Because there is only one B in Belgium

0

Where does dubious pasta come from?

The spaghetto. I can't take all the credit, however: I heard the word from [this](http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/xdp4k/the_gaydar/c5lnkep) guy

0

11

Knock knock. Who's there? A cow. A cow who?

Not a cow "who"! A cow moos. An owl says "who".

0

4

What did one banana say to the other?

Nothing. Bananas can't speak. What did the elephant say to the banana? [Nothing. Elephants know bananas can't hear either](/spoiler)

0

4

Two muffins were sitting an oven...

one says " Wow it's hot in here.", then the other muffin responds with "Oh my god, a talking muffin!".

0

3

A frog called Jim walks into a bank...

And says "I need £1,000 in cash, but all I have to give you as collateral is this." he subsequently puts a ceramic pig on the desk. The cashier, who's name is Patty Black, (who is still stunned by a talking frog) goes to as her manager wether she should give the loan. He ponders for a moment until he says "It's a knick knack, Patty Black. So give the frog a loan." That is all.

0

7

What's orange and sounds like a Parrot?

A Carrot

0

36

What do you call a pig in a bush?

Hambush.

0

24

How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?

A buccaneer.

0

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.

0

16

What do you call a cow with one leg?

Steak.

0

41

What did one banana say to the other banana?

Nothing. Bananas can't talk. What did the elephant say to the banana? [Nothing. The elephant knew that bananas can't hear either.](/spoiler)

0

20

When does one play a corny game?

You play it by ear.

0

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

0

32

Two dogs are going on a walk down the street

They walk past a few parking meters and one dog says to the other, "Hey, check it out! Pay toilets!"

0

1

Bee jokes, courtesy of my niece (age 8).

What did the bee use to dry off after swimming? A *bee*ch towel. What did the bee use to get out the tangles? A honeycomb.

0

What should you do before criticizing Pac-Man?

WAKA WAKA WAKA mile in his shoes

0

18

What did batman say to robin before robin got in the car?

get in the car

0

8

What begins with E, ends with E, and has one letter?

envelope

0

1

Velcro

What a rip off. Joke by Tim Vine.

0

7

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was a fun guy.

0

68

What do you call a cat in an iron man suit ?

Iron Meow.

0

4

What is robot jazz called?

Beep Boop Bop!

0

41

Whats the problem with tainted money?

It taint yours and it taint mine :D (Puns for the win? :D)

0

27

String walks into a bar

A string walks into a bar.... He sits down , look at the bartender and says " hey, ill have a beer and a shot of whiskey please".. The bartender looks at him and says "im sorry, but you are a string... we cant serve you here".. the string goes home, very upset. The next day he decides to try again. He walks into the bar, sits down and orders a shot of tequila and a beer. the bartender says " look , i told you yesterday buddy, we cant serve alcohol to a string... sorry" once again , he goes home. The next day, he REALLY wants a drink... He gets a pair of scissors an chops up one end of himself to look like human hair, then he ties himself like a shoelace to make it look like he has arms. He walks up to the bar and orders a beer... The bartender says " sure sir , that will be $3.50" but as he puts it down he looks at the string and says " Wait a minute, arent you that string that has been coming here every day? The string looks at him and says " No , Im AFrayed Knot." :o)

0

66

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don't, you get down from a duck

0

21

What do you call a plastic sheep?

Lambinated!

0

A man walks into a bar...

He says "Ow"

0

2

So a frog walks into the bank...

A frog walks into the bank looking for a loan. In his hands he has a small glass figurine as collateral. He walks up to the first teller, her name was Patty Black, and says "Ma 'am, I'm looking for a loan." He holds up his figurine. Then she tells him that she can't help him. He asks to see the manager. The frog explains the situation and the manager looks to the teller and says "Its a knickknack Patty Black, give the frog a loan! "

0

9

What is green, fuzzy, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table. [Thanks, Wagon Train camper!]

0

2

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet...

I don't know why.

0

16

A termite walks into a pub

And asks "where's the bar tender?"

0

33

Two guys walk into a bar...

the third one ducks.

0

10

A 600 story hotel..

Tom, Phil and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high. Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan. For the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

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12

Why did the snail draw an "S" on the side of his car?

So that when he drove by people could say, "Look at that escargot!"

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37

So I was feeling down the other day...

My friend wanted to cheer me up, so he told me 10 jokes to make me feel better. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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19

Two silk worms had a race.

They ended up in a tie.

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11

Did you hear the one about the three eggs?

Too Bad.

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73

What do you call a dishonest rapper?

Snoop Lyin'

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12

An Orchestra Joke (kinda long)

An orchestra director has a big concert coming up, and he and his orchestra have been rehearsing all day. At the end of their final song, there is a large cymbal crash, and the percussionists always miss it. Angered, the director asks why. "There simply aren't enough percussionists to cover all of these parts. No one can get to it in time." Frustrated, the director walks out of the hall and finds a homeless man. He offers the man some money in return for playing this one cymbal crash at the end of the concert. The homeless man agrees and follows the director back into the hall. They run the tune one more time, and the homeless man does great! Satisfied, the director lets everyone go home for the night. On the night of the concert, the director is anxiously directing his orchestra, and he gives the cue for the big cymbal crash at the end. The homeless man misses it. The director, who is now furious, rages through the orchestra and kills the man. The police come and take the director to prison, and he is sentenced to death. On his final night in prison, the guard asks the man what he wants as his last meal. He replies, "I would love 10,000 pounds of bananas." The guard, though puzzled, complies and brings him 10,000 pounds of bananas. On the day of his execution, the man is lead to the electric chair. After the first shock, he does not die. After the second shock, he still doesn't die. After the third shock, he still doesn't die! So the guards release him. The guard, puzzled by this asks the man if he knew something they didn't about having so many bananas in your system. The man replies, "No, I guess I'm just a bad conductor." *ba-dum tss*

0

Difference between a dead squirrel and a dead drummer in the road?

http://imgur.com/PKibj The squirrel might have been on his way to a gig.

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7

knock-knock

knock-knock, whos there?, one, one who? one who three!

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23

What do you call an old soldier who has been sprinkled in salt and pepper?

A seasoned veteran.

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9

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

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128

I just met someone who was a steam-roller operator.

He was such a flatterer.

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37

I the shell off a snail yesterday...

you'd think it would move faster, but it was really kinda sluggish.

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6

I saw a documentary on how they make jeans...

It was riveting.

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21

Why did the melon get married in a church?

Because he was in love with a cantaloupe.

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4

I tried using a broken pencil today...

But it was pointless

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1

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon...

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with "Ah, I guess you had to be there." https://twitter.com/draxar/status/239766758842568704

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8

So, I have this new knock knock joke—

You start... (when you get it)

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30

Knock knock.

Who's there? Interrupting cow. Interrup........ MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! [Works best IRL](/spoiler)

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16

Series of Cheesy Jungle Jokes

I always like to tell these in a series. I also like to milk jokes (drag them out a little longer than you would expect) so prepare for the cheese. There's a little flexibility in how you tell these jokes, and if you have any other jokes about jungle animals you can mix them in, but some of the order is very important (especially the first and las jokes). Here is my preferred order: Q. How do you put an elephant in the refrigerator? A. Open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door. Q. How do you put a tiger in the refrigerator? A. Open the door, take the elephant out, put the tiger in, and close the door. Q. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A. It was dead. Q. Why did a second monkey fall out of the tree? A. It was stapled to the first monkey. Q. Why did a third monkey fall out of the tree? A. It was taped to the second monkey. Q. Why did ANOTHER monkey fall out of the tree? A. Peer pressure. Q. What do an apple and an elephant have in common? A. They're both red... except for the elephant. (I like to say the first part, then wait a beat before the second part) Q. What's the difference between an elephant and a plum? A. Their color! Q. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming through the jungle? A. Look! Here come the elephants! Q. What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming through the jungle? A. Look! Here come the plums. ... She's colorblind! Q. There's a big meeting in the jungle and all the animals come, except for one. Which one and why? A. The tiger! You left him in the refrigerator! One last note - you can mix it up if people guess an answer that's a little too close. So for the monkey joke, if somebody guesses tape or something stupid after the stapler comment, go deadpan and say "No, peer pressure." Just one example. Enjoy and have fun!

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19

Chicken at the Library

A chicken walks into a library and up to the front desk. Seeing he has got the librarians attention, he says 'Book! Book! Book!' The librarian complies and puts a few books down. The chicken takes them and leaves. The next day, the librarian looks up to find the same chicken handing back the pile of books. 'Book! Book! Book!' says the chicken. The librarian takes the books and hands the chicken a few more. The chicken takes them and leaves. The next day, the librarian looks up once again to find the chicken handing back the second pile of books. 'Book! Book! Book!' says the chicken. The librarian shakes his head and hands him yet another pile of books. The chicken takes them and leaves. Wondering what the chicken could possibly want so many books for, the librarian decides to follow the chicken home. Through the carpark, down several roads, and finally into a large park; the chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On the other side of the trees is a small pond. The chicken stops at the side of the pond, and there he hands the books to a frog. The frog picks each book up in turn, looking at the titles, saying 'reddit... reddit... reddit....'

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21

What does batman take in his whiskey?

Just ice.

0

Inflatable Boy

Once upon a time, there was an inflatable boy. The inflatable boy lived in an inflatable house, with an inflatable family. He went to an inflatable school with an inflatable teacher and even an inflatable principal. One day, the inflatable boy took a pin to his inflatable school. The inflatable teacher let out a gasp and sent him to the principal's office. The inflatable principal said, "I'm very disappointed in you son. You've let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the whole school down!"

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18

knock knock

knock knock. who's there? pizza delivery guy. pizza delivery guy who? pizza delivery guy who's here to deliver the pizza you ordered.

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9

Whats brown and rhymes with "snoop"?

Dr. Dre

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1

My friend told an out of place joke about police searches.

But I don't think it was warranted.