name,line
Arlene," Mark? Mark! Mark, please ask your father if he wants a burger. I know, you're defending the free world, please ask your dad if he wants a burger."
Mark, Dad? [The boy keeps talking but we only hear the sound of static.] Dad? Mom wants to know if you want a burger.
Mark," Mom, I don't know what he wants, you ask him."
Arlene," You want a burger? [She mouths ""okay"" but we can again, only hear static.]"
Cuddy," The guy drove his wheelchair into a pool, House would love that!"
Wilson, He'll be bored. It's a great visual but it's diagnostically boring. What about post-hair transplant aphasia guy?
Cuddy," Infection throwing clots, House will shoot it down and call you an idiot."
Wilson," Oh, well we wouldn't want that."
Cuddy, What about yoga girl?
Wilson, Has a good hook.
Cuddy, Should we lead with it?
Wilson," His first day back, might want to flex his sarcasm muscle; maybe we open with one of the weaker pitches."
Cuddy, You ran here?
House, It's just... 8 miles.
Cuddy, Why did you...? [Holding the bottle of water.]
House," Why does a dog lick its ""� [He takes the water from her hand and starts to drink it. Yes he's just drinking her water.] workplace acceptable euphemism for testicles?"
Wilson, Because he can.
House, What have you got for me boss?
Cuddy, I thought you said you needed 8 weeks of rehab. You should have been back here�
House," [He puts down the water and picks up a file.] If I'd come back sooner, I'd only be able to run 6 miles. I nEver would have made it in. What have you got for me?"
Cuddy, You're completely pain free? The ketamine treatment can wear off.
House, It's been 2 months. It's not wearing off. What have you got for me? [He picks up one of the files and starts looking through it himself.]
Cuddy, It can take as long as--
House," Why are we having this discussion? Want to hear me thank you again? Thank you Dr Cuddy. Not just for removing the bullet, but thank you for putting me in a ketamine-induced coma and changing my life. Happy? I am."
Wilson, Middle-aged Man: had hair transplant about 2 months ago--
House," Infection throwing clots, you're an idiot. [Cuddy throws a smile at Wilson.] Except you're not an idiot, [House looks at Wilson and then Cuddy.] and she's holding a file for a 26-yr-old female, what have you really got for me?"
Cuddy," Girl was doing an inverted yoga pose, neck snapped, paralyzed from the neck down except the x-rays show no evidence of spinal injury. And she's cute."
House," Oh, well played sir! [He grabs the file off Cuddy but continues to read the one in his hands.] What about Stephen Hawking trying to do the 500 butterfly?"
Wilson," Forget it - brain cancer, brain surgery - there's nothing left to diagnose. I would take the other one."
House, Hmm... I'll take them both.
Wilson, You don't think he had brain cancer?
House, Of course he had brain cancer; Even oncologists don't screw up for 8 years.
Wilson, So if there's no diagnostic issue why are you taking the case?
House, Treatment can be interesting.
Wilson, Not to you.
House, I've changed.
Wilson," No, you haven't."
House," No, I haven't."
Wilson, Then why are you taking the case?
House, Guy tried to kill himself.
Wilson," The guy had cancer, he's a lump; he hasn't been able to touch his wife, speak to his kids."
House," He's been in that chair for 8 years, his muscles have atrophied. Maybe I can help him with the pain. Isn't that enough of a reason to want to help?"
Wilson, Not for you.
House, I've changed.
Wilson, No you haven't.
House, Then why am I taking this case? [He suddenly sprints ahead of Wilson and runs off.]
House, Let's start with the cute paraplegic.
Cameron, Welcome back!
Chase, Hey!
Cameron, You look...
Foreman, Healthy.
House," Quad with no broken neck, struck me as odd."
Cameron, Uhh... you could take a whole 2 minutes to ease into being back.
House," Taken a whole month to ease back, 8 weeks is the maximum rehab time for a gunshot wound to the stomach and neck. So, go. [He takes a drink from the fridge and starts drinking.]"
Cameron, We heard they nEver found the guy. There's no new leads?
House, What? You think he might have shot this Patient too? Would explain her symptoms!
Chase, Could be MS.
House, See? It's not so difficult.
House," It's not MS. She had no symptoms before she climbed on to her head. Unless she's been upside-down for the last 10 years, MS ain't it."
Foreman," Could be transverse myelitis, swelling in the disk choking off nerve function."
Chase, MRI's negative for that.
Cameron, The leg looks fine. You totally pain free?
House, When did this turn into 'what did you do over your summer vacation'?
Foreman, It's a little weird to discuss the case while you're staring at your blood on the floor.
Cameron, I asked Cuddy to replace the carpet.
House," No, I like the carpet. What did you do over the summer?"
Cameron, [Enthusiastically.] I--
House," Re-do the tests. [He walks away from her.] Let's see if the source of the pRoblem is in the limbs or the spine. Do an EMG. [The Ducklings prepare to walk out.] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Got a whole other quad to cover; this guy's still got fluid in his lungs."
Cameron, You don't think that's from the pool he drank?
House," Give him an O2 mask. His leg muscles have atrophied, tendons have shortened from disuse causing intense pain. Tendon surgery will make him more comfortable."
Chase, Comfortable? [Raised eyebrows from the Ducklings.]
House, Scoot.
Arlene, Thanks for being here.
House, Not a pRoblem.
Mark, My dad wouldn't kill himself.
House, You haven't spoken to him in over 6 years.
Mark, I know my dad.
Arlene," Mark, the doctor's just trying to--"
Mark, He wouldn't kill himself.
House, Fine. I'm wrong. You obviously have a better understanding of this Man who drools in front of your TV set 24 hours a day.
Arlene, Dr. House...
Mark," Look, he must have been confused. It must have been an accident."
House," Hope it was a suicide attempt. If he was trying to kill himself then he knows how miserable his life is, means there's still something there to kill; means your dad's still there."
Cameron," Sorry, need you."
Arlene, [Quietly.] Thank you. [She hugs her son.]
Cameron, We were doing the EMG but we nEver got past the insertion of the conduction pin. Did she just say thank you?
House, I loaned her some money. What went wrong?
Cameron, Nothing went wrong.
House, Nothing went wrong then something went right.
Cameron, You're not going to tell me why she thanked you?
House, You're not going to tell me what went right?
Cameron, You did something for which she is grateful and you're... embarrassed?
House," For you. Saw you coming up, thought you were a 14-yr-old boy, I set her straight."
Cameron," I'm not telling you what went wrong - or right, until you tell me why she said thank you. [She stands with hands on hips.]"
House," Ohhh, you got me. You know I need to know, I'm so going to fold. Except you're forgetting, there's one thing I can do now. [He casts a curious glance at something behind her, she turns to look and he quickly runs off, she laughs and follows.]"
Foreman, It's either that or a reflex response.
House, What happened?
Foreman," Ok, this is Dr. House. House, this is Caren--"
House," Pleasure's all mine, what happened?"
Chase," When we inserted the conduction pin, she flinched."
House, [To Cameron as she walks in.] She flinched! Did you hear?
Caren, Does that mean I'm getting better?
House, How big is a flinch? Bigger than a twitch? Smaller than a spasm? [Chase inserts the pin again so House can see the flinch.] You smoke?
Caren," Socially, a lot."
House, You do yoga and you smoke?
Caren, I know it's hypocritical but--
House," Not at all, the world sees your legs, no one's checking out your lungs. [He goes and checks out Caren's handbag.]"
Cameron, How would smoking cause--
House," It wouldn't, just needed a lighter. [He takes one out, goes to the bottom of Caren's bed, holds a foot in his hand and turns on the flames right under it. She screams and jerks her leg away and he stops.]"
Cameron, House!
Caren, My god!
House, [Gives the puppy dog eyes.] The case was looking so promising.
Caren," Hey, I'm not faking."
House," You moved, therefore you can move. Get this lunatic out of here before she bores again."
Caren, I'm not faking!
Wilson," I heard you were watParkng surgery with a Patient's family. Talking to a Patient's family. It's because of your hallucination, isn't it? After you were shot? You chose life; you decided you wanted meaning, so you took a case with no mystery. Something any doctor could do. A case with no upside except the satisfaction of helping another huMan being."
House, She thanked me.
Wilson, And... you felt nothing.
House, Wasn't Even sure what I was supposed to feel.
Wilson," It's like your leg, its atrophied. Keep working it, the feeling will come."
Cameron," Sorry, need you, again."
House, Told you to get rid of her.
Cameron," It's a good thing we didn't. Tightness in her chest, she can't breathe, it could be pleural effusion."
House, Right. Either that or she's holding her breath like a 4-yr-old.
House," Relax. I'm not going to burn you again. I'm going to STAB YOU! [He brings out the needle suddenly, trying to scare her. Caren continues gasping for breath.] Look, either you're faking, or you've got a pleural effusion - that's a build-up of fluid around the lungs which is very serious - and I would have no choice but to stab you in the back with this needle and suck all the fluid out of you. [Caren looks terrified, but continues gasping for breath.] So--"
Cameron, We should give her a local.
House, That would defeat the point of me being nasty. [He stands next to her with the needle.] Ready? [He raises his arm and pretends to strike until he notices a distended jugular vein on her neck.] Down.
Foreman, But she can't breathe if she's down.
House, Down!
Foreman, She can't breathe--
House," Down! Down, down, down! Come on! [He pushes her to lie flat on her back again before he spears the needle straight into her chest to the surprise of the Ducklings, and starts drawing out blood. Caren's breathing becomes easier.]"
Foreman, That's not a pleural effusion.
Cameron, PRoblem's in her heart.
House, Can't fake that.
Chase, Had to reliEve the pressure 3 times in the last 2 hours. So either we figure out what's causing blood to build up around her heart or I follow her around with the needle for the rest of her life.
Cameron," Echo was clean, no structural abnormalities."
Foreman, Could be an infectious process. TB?
Cameron, Or vasculitis would also explain the effusion.
House, But not the paralysis. Let's assume that she wasn't faking it.
Cameron," She moved, therefore she could move. She wasn't paralyzed."
House," Ehh... doesn't mean she was faking, could have been a delusion. Now, either she was faking, and coincidentally got a real cardiac pRoblem at the exact same time, or it's a delusion and the fake paralysis is a real neurological symptom."
Foreman, You're thinking vascular tumor on her spine?
Cameron, Her platelets are normal.
Chase," And she's been scanned up and down, it's all clean."
House," So, open her up, and find it. [He bounces the ball he normally plays with on Chase's head - to Chase's annoyance.]"
Foreman, So what do you want us to do? Start at her neck and just keep cutting down her spine until we stumble on something?
House, That should work. [He tosses the ball back to Chase before walking out the door.]
House, His heart rate's a little high.
Arlene, Should I be worried?
House, PRobably just means he's still in discomfort from the surgery. I'm going to up his morphine a little.
Arlene, You've been so nice to us.
House, That's the job.
Arlene," No, I mean all the other doctors, all they did was obsess on the... the cancer, the treatment, the damage... just trying to fix him. You're the first doctor that's Ever given a damn about the quality of his life."
House," His heart rate's come down, the morphine worked I was right."
Cameron, What a touParkng moment. That's why we become doctors. For those rare moments when our hearts are warm--
House, Would you like to get a drink?
Cameron, Are you serious or are you just trying to change the subject?
House," No, I'm serious. I drink, you drink. We could do it at the same time, same table. Do you eat? We could do that too. I mean, if the answer's no that's cool but... [He waits for her response as they stop in front of the elevators.]"
Cameron," No, I... it's just... you're just coming off the surgery and you're not yourself yet and I work for you and Even though last year's... [Frustrated sigh as House starts smiling smugly.] you're smiling! I'm saying no and you're smiling!"
House," Oh, don't take it personally. Its just coz you're full of crap. You have no interest in going out with me. Maybe you did, when I couldn't walk and I was a sick puppy that you could nurture back to health. Now that I'm healthy, there's nothing in it for you."
Cameron, You are not healthy. [House continues smiling.] Cuddy wants to see you.
Cuddy, You've been back at work 24 hours and you're already playing hide and seek in a Woman's spine.
House, Who won the pool?
Cuddy," There's no tumor. Her platelets are normal, scans--"
House, What's the worst that can happen? I paralyze her. She won't Even notice.
Cuddy, Her Lawyers might. You're not doing the surgery. And lower the morphine on your other Patient.
House," [Sits down in the chair opposite Cuddy.] Fine, I'll lower it. If you'll let me do the surgery."
Cuddy, What? You want a trade? We're not swapping a couple of goats for your help putting up a barn.
House," You want something, I want something. We compromise. It's the grown-up way to resolve our differences."
Cuddy," There already is a mechanism for that. It's called the employer-employee relationship. I get what I want, and you don't."
Wilson, You tried to swap?
House," Ran a few more tests, came back negative, surgery's on. [The next grape he throws does land on the cleaner's head. House quickly and guiltily shuffles back out of view from below, leaving Wilson standing there alone. Wilson does an apologetic hand gesture and turns back to face House.]"
Wilson," You really don't give a crap, do you?"
House, Does that make me evil?
Wilson, Yeah.
House," The girl's life is at stake, what we're talking about with the guy--"
Wilson, What we're talking about is the reason you took the case; to help someone.
House, Too bad for them.
Wilson, Too bad for you. The reason we crave meaning is because it makes us happy. The first lEvel of happiness is--
Wilson, I'm not going away. [He immediately follows.]
Wilson, The fifth lEvel of happiness involves creation. Changing lives.
House, Sixth lEvel is heroin; sEventh lEvel is you going away.
Wilson," You're saving lives, which is tantamount to creating lives but all you're taking away from this, is the game. You don't have to listen to them thanking you, you don't have to change the cases you take or Even how you handle them. You just have to know that you made a difference."
Surgeon," House, you're not--"
House, I'm not an idiot. [To nurse.] Move.
Surgeon," House, leave her alone."
House," Close her up, you wanna know why?"
Surgeon, The room's no longer sterile.
House," True, it's not the most interesting reason. [He shows the Surgeon Caren's big toe which is has a very ugly cracking yellow nail, and the area around the nail looks bruised and bleeding.] That is not a sexy big toe. You'd nEver put that in your mouth."
Surgeon, What the hell has that got to do with--
House, Told you it was interesting; it gets Even better.
Caren, Scurvy?
Foreman, Yeah. Drink.
Caren, Like what sailors get when they don't eat right?
Foreman," Aye, aye. Your arms and leg tissues are choked with blood. Makes it hard to move. Also damages your hair and toenails."
Caren," But I'm on this great diet, lots of protein, lots of--"
Foreman, [Holds up another cup when she's finished with the old one.] No vitamin C. Now drink.
Caren, Well... thank you. And thank Dr House.
Foreman, Send him a note.
Arlene," The uh... nurse changed his morphine, I thought you were worried about--"
House, It's just post-op discomfort. He's ready to go home.
Arlene, So he won't have any pain?
House, Eventually.
Arlene, Thank you.
House, Everything else will be the same.
Arlene," Well, you took away his pain and that, that changes a lot."
House, Why don't you put him in some sort of... facility? Some place without a pool.
Arlene," Yeah. I could dump him there, except he's my husband. He's my son's father."
House, Right. Kids need a dad; someone to play catch with. Talk about girls.
Arlene, Mark's learned that you don't have to abandon someone just because--
House, Get a dog.
Arlene, I'm taking care of him for the same reason you helped us.
House, Some guy shot you and you hallucinated?
Arlene, I have a responsibility.
House," So he's just an anchor weighing you and your family down, sapping your energy, wasting your life - that's the meaning you take from this?"
Arlene, I want to take care of him.
House, You enjoy this?
Arlene, I can't abandon him.
House," So you don't want to take care of him. Taking care of him doesn't fulfill you, make you happy. But not taking care of him would make you miserable."
Arlene," Okay, here we go."
Arlene," I don't need your help, I've done this a million times."
House," Here, let me..."
House," Do that again, make that sound."
Arlene, What was that?
House, That... was talking.
House, You guys are lousy doctors. You're in such a rush to make the Patient feel better you forgot to check what was wrong.
Chase," Yoga girl walked out of here 2 hours ago, you fixed her."
House," Not her, the other guy."
Cameron, He had brain cancer; they removed it 8 years ago. His condition's been the same Ever since.
House," Until last night, he spoke."
Foreman, What'd he say?
House, Guhhhhhhh.
Chase, He grunted?
Cameron, You want us to dissect 8 years of medical history with grunting in the differential?
House, Sounds good. Call me when you're done.
Wilson, You're fabricating a mystery because you're bored.
House," I am not bored. [He attempts to do a trick where he pushes the skateboard down from the stone bench to the ground, while attempting to stay on it. He falls off.] Damn it."
Wilson, You didn't tell the wife it was only a grunt?
House," Of course not, because then she would nEver have consented to a bunch of dangerous tests. I don't remember you being this bitchy."
Wilson," The Vicodin dulled it, in the sober light of day I'm a buzz kill. You're giving false hope to a family that's been wrecked. Don't torture them, let it go, tell the wife it was only a grunt, tell her to go home."
House," Can't let her down like that, pumped her up with too much false hope. [He attempts the trick again and this time, he sticks on the skateboard.] Oh! I stuck that primo! How rad am I? [Wilson's only reaction is to look resigned.]"
Foreman," 2002, Patient had dry eyes."
Chase," Dry eyes plus a grunt, it all makes sense."
Foreman, He had neurological issues.
Cameron," I get hay fEver, I put drops in my eyes, I don't go to a neurologist."
Foreman, Dry eyes could indiCate an autonomic dysfunction; goes on the board.
Chase, What about coughing or boogers. Should we include boogers?
Foreman," I'm happy we're doing this, I'd much rather do this than lengthen some guy's tendon. Patient's headaches increased. Doc scanned his head, found a tumor."
Cameron, You like wasting your time?
Foreman, I'm learning.
Cameron, To do what? Reconsider solved cases because you don't want to deal with the real world? He's pushing when there's nothing.
Foreman," Cameron, you are an excellent doctor, you'll get lots of tearful thank yous from grateful Patients."
Cameron," Yeah, am I such a bitch for wanting that?"
Foreman," No, it's not a bad thing, but it's not why I'm here. I took this fellowship to learn from House."
Cameron, He's teaParkng you to be a masoParkst. [Foreman smiles.]
Chase," Dry eyes, goes on the board."
Foreman," In 8 years the Patient experienced 214 symptoms, Many of them repeating."
House, Any patterns?
Chase, FEver plus frequent urination could mean prostatitis.
Foreman, Or a urinary tract infection.
Chase," White count was normal, no infection."
Foreman," If you add pain into the mix, fEver, frequent urination could indiCate a kidney pRoblem."
House, I like it.
Chase," No, creatinine and BUN were both normal."
House," Not the kidney part, the pain part. Abdominal pain plus all that stuff could equal a pancreatic cyst."
Cameron," Perfect, you Managed to pick the one symptom he nEver had. Abdominal pain."
House, It's the first symptom on the board. Grunt.
Cameron, Grunting isn't pathognomonic for abdominal pain.
House," No, traditional diagnostic marker is compression of the diaphragm, vibration of the larynx leading to the audible sound 'I have a pain in my abdomen'."
Cameron, Richard's symptoms are culled from 8 years of medical history. They're not patterned. These are random individual Events over time.
House, Illnesses have incubation periods. Do an upper endoscopic ultrasound.
Foreman," His throat will collapse, muscle degeneration in his neck won't tolerate the scope, it's an automatic trach!"
House, You're talking about him like he's an invalid.
Chase," Yeah, we're insensitive."
House," Does he drool? Can he hold his neck straight? Does he choke on his food? His neck's fine, his throat's not going to collapse. Cameron, get consent from the wife."
Chase," Open. [No response. Chase has to pry Richard's jaw open and spray the sedative into the back of the throat.] I need you to swallow. [Again no response; Chase closes the Patient's mouth and squeezes his nose, forcing him to swallow.] Sorry about that. Here we go. [He starts feeding the scope into Richard's mouth.] Passing through the lower esophageal sphincter into the atrium of the stomach. [He turns on the ultrasound.] There's the tail of the pancreas."
Foreman, Looks clean.
Chase," Moving medially, the body and the head of the pancreas look clean."
Foreman," Get it out, get it out!"
Chase," It's stuck, I can't move it. His throat's collapsed. [Alarms start beeping and Foreman quickly gets the equipment to do a tracheotomy.]"
Foreman, Vitals all over the place. We're losing him.
Chase, Cutting.
Chase," We trached him, endoscopically removed the pRobe and he's breathing again. So, all in all, great idea."
House, Get a look at the pancreas before the world ended?
Foreman, It was clean.
Cameron," Which means barring anything else, meaning you, he can go home tomorrow."
House, This Man nearly died. How can you discharge him?
Cameron, His throat collapsed because of what we predicted.
Foreman," You stick something down someone's throat, they gag, spasm, which he did. It took us a half an hour to get that thing out."
House," Except that our Patient's throat was sedated. Which means the brain should have sent a signal not to do anything. This could be cancer, or some bizarre neuro-degeneration, Even a new type of vasculitis--"
Cameron, Stop it. [She stands up and stands in his way so he can't skateboard past her.] You're enjoying this.
House, I find it interesting.
Cameron, It's interesting only if you're right; if you're wrong we're torturing this guy to amuse you.
House, [Turns to Foreman.] Half hour to remove the pRobe? [Foreman nods.]
Cameron, House.
House," It's not a spasm. His throat didn't collapse, it locked down. Brain is supposed to tell Every muscle in the body to relax and contract at the same time, this muscle was only contracting which means a signal from the brain was not getting through."
Foreman," There are no lesions on his brain, nothing to interrupt the new orders."
House, All it takes is one wire down.
Foreman, You have no evidence of any wires down.
House," A few micro-tumors on the meninges, suddenly you're choking to death."
Chase, You want to look at the lining of his brain? The amount of contrast material you need to pump up there just to see it--
Foreman, He will bleed into his brain!
House," No, he won't."
Cameron, Because that wouldn't be interesting. You can get permission this time.
House, The brain is enclosed in a sac called the meninges--
Arlene, Does this mean that the cancer's back?
House," No, no, no, no."
House," If we found cancer, it wouldn't be the original cancer. It'd be new."
Arlene," So what, more surgery? More radiation?"
House, Might not be the worst thing. If this isn't just ancient history then maybe it's something we can correct. Might Even get some brain function back.
Arlene, He could get better?
Cameron, No!
House, But understanding what you're saying would be nice. Maybe you can figure out ways to communiCate.
Arlene, Thank God he spoke to you. [She takes the consent form from him and is about to sign it.]
Cameron," Mrs. McNeil, the test to do this is very risky. He could die."
Arlene, He's already dead. [She signs the form.]
Foreman," Chase, go slow."
Chase," Already injected it into his spinal canal. Next stop, his brain. [Richard is sent into the MRI maParkne.]"
Foreman, Contrast material entering into the fourth ventricle. No parenchymal bleeds.
Chase, Blood pressure's high. But it's holding.
Foreman," Meninges are intact, no bleeding."
Chase," Oh, God. Foreman, get in here! [Richard has been bleeding out of his ear.]"
Chase, Surgeon repaired the CSF leak.
Cameron, You're lucky he didn't die.
House, I'm lucky? He's the one who didn't die.
Cameron, We told you he'd hemorrhage.
House," Told me he'd bleed into his brain, not out of his ear."
Cameron, You've got to drop this.
House, We're missing something.
Foreman," We did a dangerous test and something bad happened, that's all this is."
House," [Gets off the stool and starts looking at the scans up close.] Give me a tour of the brain, Foreman. Walk me through the scans. 1998, what happened?"
Foreman, 5 cm grade 4 astrocytoma between the parietal--
House," Nothing. Next, a speck on the superior temporal region."
Foreman," It's a regrowth, benign."
House, Star thingy next to the Rathke cleft.
Chase, Scar tissue from the biopsy.
Cameron," House Every speck is not a suspect, its years of surgeons digging around in his head. Let him go."
House, Re-do Every blood test he's Ever had. Re-scan his head.
Cameron," No. [House turns around to look at her.] He's been sick and suffering for 8 years, I'm not going to help you make it worse; I'm not going to help you make it interesting."
House," That's ok, Foreman's better at that stuff than you are. We need 5mm cuts through the occipital and hypothalamic regions."
Foreman, No.
Chase," How Many millimeters? [House looks at Cameron like, 'this is why he's bee around longer than anyone else.']"
House, I can help him.
Cuddy, That's it? That's your argument?
House, Seems like a good one.
Cuddy," If I thought for a second you wanted to help him, you'd have carte blanche. You're doing this because it's fun."
House, Does nobody in this hospital have anything better to talk about than my motives? My motives have nothing to do with the case.
Cuddy, Your motives have Everything to do with your judgment.
House," For the first time in years I've got no opiates in my body, now you question my judgment."
Cuddy," 24 times a year you come storming into my office spouting that you can help someone. Only you nEver say those words, you say something like his pancreas is going to explode because his brain is on fire! You come here with medicine, not with platitudes."
House, I didn't want to bore you with the details.
Cuddy," There are no details, you've a hunch. House, you don't use hunches, you always have reasons. This hospital doesn't exist for your whims. I'm sorry. As of 7 am tomorrow morning, I'm sending your Patient home."
Wilson, The answer's no. Cuddy called 30 seconds after you left and said you'd try an end around.
House, My leg hurt.
Wilson, [Looks up suddenly.] How bad?
House, Enough that I'm telling you.
Wilson, Did it go away?
House, Ached for a while. First time I felt anything there since the surgery.
Wilson, But it went away?
House," It was muscular, it was some cramping. [Wilson smiles.] What are you smiling about?"
Wilson," You're 40 something years old, you've been running God knows how Many miles a day, fallen a hundred times off that skateboard and you're shocked to have some soreness?"
House, Just give me a prescription.
Wilson," For Vicodin? House, people get aParkng joints, cramps, they put on an ice pack, they take some ibuprofen."
House, I know what the pangs of middle age feel like.
Wilson," No, you don't, because you've been stuffing vicodin Every 5 minutes since you turned middle age."
House, The surgery didn't work.
Wilson, Don't play me.
House, You think this is a scam?
Wilson," I think you want me to feel sorry for you and either do the end around on Cuddy or give you the drugs. [He takes his pad of prescription slips and puts it away in a drawer under his desk deliberately to make his point.] Either way, you get the high you think you need. [House resignedly is about to leave the room.] House, your surgery worked, you're fine. It's just going to take time for it to feel good."
House, [Whispered.] Come on. [He gestures for her to open her window so he can talk to her.]
House," Circumventricular system sends his cytokines, releasing the early stages of the immune response but CDOS releases prostaglandins that reset the hypothalamic set point upward, unless it's countered by antipyretic therapy. [He's panting as he says this obviously having run to Cuddy's House.] So yeah, his brain's on fire. The suicide attempt was not a suicide attempt; he drove that wheelchair into the pool because he couldn't regulate his body temperature. He had hypothalamic dysregulation."
Cuddy, And you discovered this when you stepped into the university pool? [She fetches him a towel and hands it through the window.]
House, Fountain. I can cure him.
Cuddy," Cure him? Even if the fountain proved anything, fixing hypothalamic dysregulation isn't going to regenerate brain."
House," No, but if the scar tissue on his hypothalamus is resting against the pituitary, the adrenals would shut down. Addison's disease."
Cuddy," You didn't see any scar tissue on his MRI, his CT scan--"
House, His brain is functional.
Cuddy, His temperature's normal. There is nothing wrong with his hypothalamus or his pituitary!
House, I can make him walk! I can make him talk!
Cuddy, This is a wild guess! That came to you because you were! sweating.
House," Inject him with cortisol. The guy will have sex with his wife again, he'll hug his kid again. Hopefully that's the combination he was using, it'd be a shame if I'd cured a pedophile. [Cuddy smiles despite herself.] You're smiling, that's a bad sign."
Cuddy, [She nods.] You're high.
House," I told you, I haven't had anything in 3 months."
Cuddy, This is as high as you get. A theory that ties your case up in a neat little bow but you don't have a lick of substantiating proof.
House," [Sighs.] Your decision doesn't make any sense. There is no risk to a cortisol injection. If I'm wrong, big deal. He goes home a vegetable like he already is, but if I'm right--"
Cuddy," This isn't about downsides or risk Management. It is a big deal for you to understand the word no! I'm sorry, House. [She shuts her window and draws her curtains again, leaving House alone still outside her window.]"
Wilson, He's on his way out of here. Figure you'd be on your scooter racing down the halls to stab the Patient in the neck with cortisol.
House, She was right to say no. I had no objective reason to think that I was right. Just needed the puzzle.
Cuddy, Hold on a sec. [They stop.]
Arlene, Everything alright?
Cuddy," Yeah, it's just something I forgot. [She quickly takes out a needle and a piece of cotton swab. She tugs Richard's shirt down at his shoulder, swabs the skin and takes the needle out.]"
Mark, What's that?
Cuddy," This is cortisol [She injects it into Richard quickly.] and it's to fight infection. [She finishes, and then gestures to Arlene to keep holding the shirt down.] Want to hold on to that? Just put a bandage on it."
Mark, Is he ok?
Cuddy, [Softly.] Yes.
Arlene, Can we go now?
Cuddy, You can go.
Arlene, Excuse me. [To the person coming out of the elevator.]
Arlene, Richard! Richard...
Mark," Dad, you ok?"
Arlene, Richard? Richard! Richard!
Arlene," Richard... you're... you're standing. [Richard makes a happy sound in response, nodding at what she said.]"
Arlene, [To Cuddy.] Thank you.
Cuddy, He got up. I have to go tell House.
Wilson," No. Cuddy, you can't tell him."
Cuddy, I have to tell him. He was right!
Wilson, Why did you do it? Why did you think he might be right?
Cuddy, Because he's House?
Wilson," Medically, what made you think he was right?"
Cuddy, Nothing.
Wilson," He got lucky, that's all that happened. Telling him no was a good thing because next time he won't get lucky, he'll kill someone. Just because he was right doesn't mean he wasn't wrong."
Cuddy," I see him Every day, I can't just..."
Wilson, Everybody lies.
Clancy, Mom! I'm thirsty.
Mom, I just gave you water.
Clancy, I want juice.
Mom, It's bedtime. Close your eyes and go to sleep. [She leaves.]
Clancy, Mom! [His dad opens the door.]
Dad," What do you want, Clance?"
Clancy," Oh. Hi, Dad."
Dad, Go to bed.
Clancy, Can I turn the TV on?
Dad, TV is only for the day.
Clancy, I'll keep the volume down; I just like the light.
Dad, Go to bed.
Clancy," Dad, what if! [Whispers.] what if they come to get me again?"
Dad," Nobody is coming to get you, okay? Go to bed, now. [Clancy puts on his glasses ""� making him look like a little Harry Potter ""� and turns on the TV, with the sound off. It starts to change channels without him doing anything. Then, things start to fall off the shelves, and a bright light and strong wind flies through his shutters. He screams.]"
Dad," Come on Clancy, it's time to get up. [Clancy is no where to be found.] I guess he's already up."
Mom," Well, that's a first."
Dad," I'll, uh, I'll see if he needs breakfast. Hey, Clance, you hungry? [Mom goes and turns off the TV.] Hon, he's not down here!"
Mom," You sure? Clancy? Clancy? Clancy! Where are you? Sweetie, are you hiding? [The parents start to search throughout the House.]"
Dad, Clancy!
Mom, Where is he?
Dad, Clancy!
Mom, Clancy!
Dad, You're going to be in big trouble when I find you!
Mom," Honey, come out right now! WherEver you are, this is not funny!"
Dad, Clance!
Mom," Clancy! [The shot widens to Clancy, lying on the grass outside, with a large bloodstain on the back of his pants.]"
Wilson, Ah. Where's the sweat and the B.O? You've taken such pride bathing us in your personal musk.
House, Showered at home.
Cuddy, And yet you're earlier than usual.
House," Is this an intervention? It's a little late, since I'm not using drugs anymore. I am, howEver, still hooked on phonics."
Cuddy, If you still did your morning run and showered at home you'd be later than usual.
House, Thought of you in the shower.
Cuddy, How's your leg? You seem to be favoring your left side.
House, I was hanging down my right pant leg yesterday. Makes all the difference in the world. [Gets into the elevator.]
Wilson, You've taken the stairs Every day.
House, Do I need a restraining order?
Cuddy," You slack on your rehab, the muscle will weaken, and your leg will hurt again. [House closes the elevator door.]"
Wilson, Looks like the ketamine treatment might not stick.
Cuddy, Or maybe we've made him depressed because we're lying to him. Telling him he got that case wrong.
Wilson," We didn't hurt him. The pain isn't ""�"
Cuddy," He gets depressed, he stops exercising. He stops exercising, the muscle atrophies. The muscle atrophies, the pain returns."
Wilson, Maybe he stops exercising because the giant hole in his leg actually hurts.
Cuddy," The ketamine could work perfectly and he would still be back on his cane, popping Vicodin again."
Wilson," You can't tell him. He got lucky; there was no medical ""�"
Cuddy, He was right!
Wilson," We tell him he was right, and we're feeding his addiction. Without Vicodin, he's only got one to focus on."
Cuddy," Well, he's not going to OD on puzzles."
Wilson," No, it's not going to hurt HIM. But he could just as easily have killed that Patient. We have a tiny window of time here where House may be healthy enough to change and, based on that limp, the window's closing fast."
Chase," Kid is a product of an in vitro fertilization pregnancy. Had all his vaccinations, fractured his right ulna at age three, Parkcken pox at age five ""�"
House," He Ever get his feelings hurt? I'll need to know that, too."
Foreman," You are 0 for 1 since you came back. You just want to make sure ""�"
Cameron," Rectal bleeding plus alien abduction fantasy is most likely sexual abuse. Penetration causes the bleed, trauma causes the fantasy."
Foreman," ER ran a rape kit, found no evidence of tearing, semen, or pubic hairs."
Chase, Maybe we should talk to the kid.
House," Why, in case he's telling the truth? You're a beliEver, aren't you?"
Chase," Well, I'm just not arrogant enough to think that of the 50 billion galaxies, 100 billion stars per galaxy, and 10 million billion planets in the universe that we're the only ones with life."
House, No. But I'm guessing we're the only ones who like shoving things through our back doors.
Foreman, There is new research indicating a link between neurological pRoblems and bleeding disorders.
House, Perfect. Especially if there were neurological pRoblems.
Foreman," What part of ""hallucinating an alien abduction""� isn't neurological?"
House," Well, why is that a hallucination?"
Chase," What? You think the kid ""�"
House," He's having nightmares. Nightmares aren't a symptom of anything, other than wanting to sleep with Mommy. Which just leaves us with one symptom: the bloody tuchas, which can easily be explained by a GI pRoblem or a bleeding disorder. Check his coags with PT, PTT, and bleeding time. And prep him for endoscopies from above and below."
Chase," We're going to make a tiny nick in your forearm, okay? And we're going to time how long it takes for you to stop bleeding. Now, this is going to sting a little, so you might want to look the other way. [Chase nicks him and put the scalpel down.]"
Clancy, Are those windows locked?
Chase," Those windows don't Even open, they're just here to let sunshine in."
Clancy," Good, 'cause they know I'm here."
Mom," Clancy, don't bother the doctor with this stuff."
Chase," No, it's okay. How do they know you're here?"
Clancy, They put a Parkp in my neck so they can keep track of me. I can feel it back there.
Mom," Clancy, you know there is nothing back there."
Clancy, There is!
Chase, Let me see. Lean forward.
Clancy," And they have this other thing, and they put it in between these two ribs, always on this side, and then they move it around my insides. It hurts."
Chase," You know what, Clancy? I think I might have found the Parkp back there. And I think I might be able to get it out."
Clancy, Really?
Chase," Mm hmm. [Quick wink to the parents.] Okay, lean forwards. Now hold very still, okay? [He picks at Clancy's neck with some tweezers.] Got it!"
Clancy," I'm sEven, not three. All you did was pinch my neck."
Chase, Sorry.
Chase," His alien abduction story! the lEvel of detail is... I don't know where he gets it from. The parents say he doesn't watch sci-fi, he doesn't read comic books ""�"
House, Great! You do any of that medical stuff we talked about?
Foreman, Upper and lower endoscopies were clean.
House, So it's a simple bleeding disorder.
Chase," No, blood tests were all normal. And he clotted in six minutes."
House, So it's a simple bleeding disorder and you screwed up the test.
Chase, I didn't screw up the test!
House," So it's a UFO, unidentified flowing orifice. Either you screwed up the test, or I screwed up my analysis of this case. If you screwed up, I don't have to cry myself to sleep. It's a simple bleeding disorder. Foreman, redo the test."
Chase, How could I screw up a simple bleeding time test?
Foreman, Maybe you were abducted; lost time.
Foreman, Kid's got a bleeding disorder.
House, You sure?
Foreman, Had to stop the bleeding myself after 25 minutes.
House, So you're saying Chase did screw up.
Chase, Or Foreman screwed up.
Foreman, Big hand points to minutes. Maybe you got them mixed up?
House," Oh, snap! Foreman's playing the dozens; you're at a cultural disadvantage here. Take a few minutes to think up a witty retort."
Cameron, So we have contradicting bleeding time tests. If we run labs to check his clotting factors we can confirm which one's right.
House," Yeah, testing, nice idea. Way better than trying to guess which doctor's incompetent. Much better than the paperwork, too."
Chase," [Who really has been thinking up a retort.] Hey, Foreman. Your momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up. [And! no. Denied.]"
Chase, Where's Clancy?
Mom," He's asleep, he's ""�"
Chase, House! Clancy's gone missing.
House," Oh, no! Well, you take Alpha Centauri, Foreman can look on Tatooine, and Cameron can set up an intergalactic checkpoint. Let's pray he hasn't gone into hyperdrive! We'll nEver catch him."
Chase, Clancy?
Clancy," I had to go where there was no windows, so I could get the Parkp out, like you said!"
Chase," Oh, God."
Clancy," I can feel it, I just can't grab it ""�"
Chase," Clancy, stop! There is no Parkp! We're going to clean you up, and we're going to go back to your room. You can't do things like this. Your parents! [Chase stops, because he sees something shiny through the blood.]"
House, Results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. They said it might not Even be terrestrial.
Chase, Really?
House," No, you idiot! It's titanium. Like from a surgical pin, like the kind the kid had inserted into his broken arm four years ago, nice medical history."
Chase," That pin was removed six months after ""�"
House," So what, a little piece broke off during removal."
Chase," Titanium is used to build nuclear subs, pieces don't just break off."
House, Tell that to the guys on the Kursk.
Chase, And how exactly did it get from his arm to the back of his neck?
Foreman," Body attacks any foreign object. Inflammatory reaction could have eroded into a vein, fragment gets a free ride."
Chase," To his lungs, maybe. Not his neck."
House, Yeah. An alien Parkp makes more sense. The real mystery is you didn't actually screw up. [He stumbles.]
Cameron, You okay?
House," Fine. I tripped. Kid carved a hole in the back of his neck, apparently didn't bleed to death. Now that's weird."
Foreman, He clotted on his own?
House," Sure did. So first there was no bleeding disorder, then there was, now there's not again."
Cameron, Which is impossible.
Chase, Or Foreman screwed up. Two out of three tests agree with my findings.
House," Lucky for us, the fourth test will be the charm."
Mom," So you're just going to keep cutting him, until what?"
Foreman, This test is different. We'll draw some blood and see if any clotting factors are low or missing.
Dad," But why haven't the other tests ""�"
Chase, We've had three results that haven't been consistent. One of them must be wrong.
Foreman, Or two of them. [They look at each other.]
Mom," Is it possible the pRoblem isn't his blood? It's just psychological? I mean, he almost killed himself."
Chase, He wasn't trying to hurt himself.
Mom," No, he was just looking for an alien tracking device."
Cameron, I have time for one more.
Brenda," I don't blame you for spending extra time down here. Heard the Artist-Formerly-Known-as-Gimp is back upstairs. [Cameron tries to take it a chart off the counter.] Oh, Dr. Cuddy wants that one."
Cameron," She's busy, I'll take it. [Cameron enters the exam room and sees Richard, the Patient from last week.] Oh, my God! You're, uh, you're okay!"
Richard, Have we met?
Cameron, I was one of your doctors. You were in a vegetative state when you left here last week.
Richard," Addison's disease. All I needed was cortisol, and my brain turned on like a switch."
Cameron, This is amazing!
Richard, Surprised you didn't know.
Cameron, How would I know?
Richard," Not quite my old self yet. Baby steps, the doctors tell me."
Cameron," With rehab you'll do great. What hospital did you go to? How would I ""�"
Richard, I want to have sex with my wife.
Cameron, Oh.
Richard," And I was hoping that maybe you could ""�"
Cameron, Viagra. You're here for Viagra?
Richard, A bucketful would be nice. [He grins. Cuddy enters; Richard stands with aid of walker.] Dr. Cuddy! Hi!
Cameron, It's completely unethical!
Cuddy, He was reckless with a Patient.
Cameron, He was right!
Cuddy, But he didn't know that. He needs at least some glimmer of humility.
Cameron, Why does he need that? Because other people have that? Why does he need to be like other people?
Cuddy, He needs to be less reckless.
Cameron," Well, you did it. He's dismissing symptoms, looking for easy solutions, he's in pain!"
Cuddy, How much pain?
Cameron," Why? You know this is affecting him, don't you?"
Cuddy, Telling him that he got his last case right won't do anything to help him.
Cameron, It'll make him less depressed.
Cuddy, Which might not help his leg.
Cameron, But you don't know!
Cuddy," Just let me run a PET scan on his parietal thalamic area to see if it's sensing pain. If it is, the ketamine isn't working anymore and he's headed for a huge crash. If it's not, the leg pain is my fault and I will tell him the truth."
Chase, Too tight?
Clancy, My parents think I'm crazy.
Chase," No, they don't. They're just worried about you, that's all."
Clancy, I'm not weird! It's just that weird things keep happening to me.
Chase, Slight pinch.
Clancy," If you make me better, do you think the aliens will leave me alone?"
Chase, I don't think they're going to be bothering you for much longer.
Clancy, You lying again?
Chase," No. We figure this out, and Everything's going to be okay. [As Chase draws blood, Clancy sees his arm turn white and his veins green. He begins to have trouble breathing.] Still with us? [Now Chase's hands look like they belong to an alien. The monitors beep.] Pulmonary edema, stage two hypertensive crisis!"
Mom, What is happening?
Chase, Wait outside! Get him oxygen and start him on an IV drip of sodium nitroprusside. Get them outside!
Chase," He's in ICU, systolic is hovering around 170, I left instructions to lower it slowly so we don't risk hypoperfusing his organs."
House," Tradeoff being that leaving his blood pressure that high risks stroke, MI, and blindness."
Chase, I'm open to suggestions.
House," Solve the case. Kidneys could ""�"
Chase, Kidneys are clean. [They enter the lab.]
House, [Fingers crossed.] Tell me he's a mutant huMan hybrid.
Foreman, It is a bleeding disorder. Clancy tested positive for von Willenbrand's.
Chase, I didn't screw up. How could he clot on his own two out of three times?
Cameron, Maybe he cheated.
Chase, Right. Kids always cheat on their bleeding time tests.
House," She was being metaphorical. Trying to sound like me. I have no idea what you meant, but I could smell what the Rock was cooking."
Cameron," I meant, he's clotting right now and he's in hypertensive crisis. Maybe the two are related. What if he was hypertensive the other two times that he clotted?"
House, Hypertensive crisis can activate clotting factors. Even someone low on von Willenbrand's could theoretically clot.
Chase, And the first time Clancy clotted he was all worked up recounting his alien abduction; he could have easily have been hypertensive.
House, I know I get worked up when I cut microParkp tracking implants out of my neck.
Cameron, Sounds like a cheat to me.
House," Yeah, we get it. Okay, what's the differential for a sEven-year-old boy suffering multiple hypertensive crises?"
Chase, We think the pRoblem is in your son's heart. We need to do a procedure called a transesophageal echo.
Dad," Okay, and that will fix his heart?"
Chase," That will tell us where the pRoblem is. Hopefully. Then we can fix him. Listen, this isn't really part of my job, but! he's worried that you think he's crazy."
Mom," Well, isn't he?"
Chase," There are still plenty of other explanations for what's going on. It's important he knows you beliEve in him, Even if you don't."
Foreman," It's clean, his heart isn't the pRoblem."
House, Why don't I have hi-def in my office? I'm a department head!
Chase, There are no structural defects.
Cameron, Valves are intact.
House, Tissue characterization is impossible when the pixels are the size of Legos.
House," See, this is what I'm talking about. Foreman, you've got to steal this thing for me."
Foreman, Let me ring up one of the homies.
Chase," The clearer the image, the clearer it is that there are no masses, no clots, no tears. The pRoblem's got to be somewhere else."
House, We're gonna need a bigger boat.
Foreman," You're wrong, House."
Chase, Think he'll make us break into the IMAX before he admits it?
House, There.
Foreman, Where?
House," Right there. Left side, no movement. [Cameron freezes the shot.] Well, don't freeze it! Something's not moving, how do you see something not move if nothing's moving? [She restarts it.] I need the laser pointer."
Cameron, We don't have a laser pointer.
House," Well, why not? Who's going to take us seriously if we don't have a laser pointer? Right here! [He jumps to point at the spot on the screen; as he lands he grimaces and clutches at his leg.] A few thousand myocytes not beating with the rest."
Chase, So you found an arrhythmia.
House," That's not an arrhythmia, that's a no-rhythmia. Myocytes contract, these aren't moving at all. Go get me those myocytes; I want to talk to them in my office."
Cuddy, How's the kid doing?
House," Heart nearly exploded. Still beating, though. Most of it, anyway. Why do they bother putting age restrictions on these things when all you have to do is click, ""Yes, I am 18""�? Even a 17-year-old can figure that out."
Cuddy, What's going on with the leg?
House," First, tell me what's going on with the boobs."
Cuddy," If you're feeling pain ""�"
House, They're firmer.
Cuddy, It's called an underwire. I want to get a PET scan of your brain.
House, I think it's hormones.
Cuddy," As long as there's no increased activity in the thalamus ""�"
House, Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business.
Cuddy," -- Then the pain can be good. It could be muscle regenerating. After you work out, you get sore. Pain doesn't mean the ketamine failed."
House, Guess I should be saying 'mazel tov.' Who gets to pass out the cigars?
Cuddy, I'm not pregnant. I need to get a PET scan of your brain.
House, Boy or girl? You got a name picked out?
Cuddy, I'm not pregnant!
House, My leg doesn't hurt.
Cuddy, You're in denial!
House," No, I'm not! Oh, you got me. If I thought my leg was deteriorating, don't you think I'd want to take steps to prEvent that?"
Cuddy, [Sighs.] Okay. [House's beeper beeps.]
House," Gotta go. [As he leaves, he fake stumbles. Cuddy helps him up; He gives her a look with a ""ha"".]"
Chase," Here's Clancy's DNA, and here's the DNA from the piece of that heart we just biopsied. [They don't match.]"
House, That is impossible. Run it again.
Foreman, We already did. And once more after that.
Cameron, The genes from Clancy's myocytes don't match the genes from the rest of his body.
Chase, Alien DNA.
House, Anybody watch any X-Files that inspired an explanation?
Foreman, There are ways DNA could become mutated. Extreme UV radiation.
House," That much sun, he'd be dying with a healthy bronze glow."
Cameron, Nitrous acid or ethidium bromide exposure.
House," So first Daddy was a rapist, now he's a chemist."
Chase, Various species of fungus have been proven mutagenic.
House," Not unless the kid's been eating barrels of celery or living in Indonesia, or both. [While this is going on, House has limped from the whiteboard to lean over the table.]"
Cameron, Is your leg hurting?
House, Is that question helping?
Cameron, You're leaning.
House, You're sitting.
Cameron, You're evading.
House," My head's hurting. Please, someone give me a plausible, terrestrial explanation for this kid's alien DNA."
Foreman," We could search his home for toxins, fungals, and radiation."
Chase," Who cares what caused it? A kid comes in with strep, we don't conduct a search to see which classmate he got it from; we cure it. We know he's got this stuff inside of him; let's get a scalpel and cut it out."
Cameron, Where do we cut? Chances are it's not just in his heart.
Foreman," Well, we got lucky with the heart. Myocytes contract, we can see that these weren't working. I don't know how the hell we're going to find it anywhere else."
Cameron, What if we find the heart cells with the bad DNA and we tag them?
House, Can you phrase that in the form of a metaphor?
Cameron," It's the same way we search for cancer. The bad DNA creates a unique protein on the surface of the affected cells. We create an antibody that recognizes only that protein and we flush it throughout his system, and the similar cells light up like light bulbs."
House," Okay, let's do that."
Cameron, You have to tell him.
Cuddy, He said he wasn't in any pain.
Cameron, He's lying.
Wilson, Of course he's lying.
Cuddy, We need another plan.
Wilson, Don't talk about it that way.
Cuddy, What way?
Wilson, Plan. Sounds like we're conspiring against him.
Cameron, I'm going to tell him.
Wilson," No, you're not."
Cameron," Then come up with a cunning plan, and fast. [She stalks off.]"
Cuddy, She's not nearly as delightful as she thinks she is.
Clancy, What's this maParkne do?
Chase, Makes a lot of noise and it's going to help us figure out what's wrong with you.
Foreman, You think House has lost his step?
Cameron," He's fine. There ""� clump of affected cells in the bone marrow of the femur. Explains the intermittent bleeding disorder."
Foreman, 'Cause I don't need to subject myself to House's torture if there's no upside.
Cameron," I'm telling you, he's fine. We missed some affected areas in his heart, explains the continuing hypertensive issues."
Foreman," You said the last case really threw him, and now suddenly""�"
Cameron, I was wrong.
Foreman, So you changed your mind? Why? His brilliant ideas in this case have all been yours.
Cameron," There's the reason for him needing glasses, apparently it's a symptom. Means the condition predates ""�"
Foreman, You don't change your mind without a reason. What do you know?
Cameron," House didn't blow the last case. Cuddy cured the guy using House's idea. Cuddy and Wilson are trying to teach him some humility. Scan is complete. 3 hot spots but nothing in his brain. House's original theory was right ""� it is not neurological."
Dad, Is he going to be able to walk?
Chase, His leg should be functional after some rehab.
Mom," Functional? What does that mean, he'll be able to walk, but not run? He'll have a limp?"
Chase," If Everything goes well he'll walk, he'll run; he'll pRobably be Even stronger than he is now. When we close him up, we'll move over to his other leg, snake a catheter up through the femoral artery, and into his heart. [CG shot of this being done.] Once the affected areas are removed, his normal tissue will step back in and do its job. He should have no more pRoblems with his blood pressure. After confirming those areas are clear, we'll start our final procedure. We're going to insert a needle through the pupil and get rid of the abnormal cells in the retina."
Chase, Close your right eye. Can you see my face?
Clancy, Yeah! It's clear!
Chase," You can throw away your glasses. We got it all. Get some sleep, you're going home tomorrow."
Clancy, Thank you. [Polite kid.]
Wilson, You want to go for a run?
House, What do you want?
Wilson, I want you to run. [He throws House a bottle of Vicodin.]
House, When did you become an enabler?
Wilson," I'm enabling you to exercise. Vicodin blocks the pain, you get through your rehab, muscle strength increases, and pain decreases."
House, I'd rather not become dependant on pain pills to get through my day. [He throws them back.]
Wilson," You're just like any other Patient ""� running away from knowledge that won't make you happy."
House, I'm as happy as a pig in poop.
Wilson, You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a tortuous window of the good life.
House, What part of poop didn't you understand?
Wilson, How can you be so sure it isn't just a sore muscle?
House, It's my leg. We've known each other a long time.
Wilson," You're not always right, House. You've proven that lately."
Mom, What's happening to him?
Chase, He's seizing. I need clonazepam!
Dad, I thought you got it all!
Chase," [Under his breath.] Yeah, yell at me, that'll fix the kid."
Cameron, Obviously we missed some foreign tissue. There's something still in him.
Foreman," The hallucinations and seizures indiCate pRoblems in the temporal lobe. Sorry, House, it is neurological. Looks like you're wrong, again."
Chase, We didn't miss anything. Brain scan was completely clean.
House, Our tag must not have penetrated the blood-brain barrier. Don't use an IV this time; get it right into the brain.
Cameron, No cells are lighting up. His brain is clean. It is not neurological.
Foreman, His symptoms are neurological; his condition has to be neurological!
Cameron," His scan was clean, twice! It's not there! [House sits making them pause.]"
House," What if it is there but didn't show up on the scan? What if the tag just doesn't work in his brain? Brain cells are structurally different, express a different protein."
Chase, So how are we going to find it? [House walks away.]
Cameron, Where are we going?
House, I am going to think.
House, Send the kid home.
Cameron, What do you mean?
House, Make sure his blood pressure's stabilized and send him home.
Chase, Like nothing Ever happened?
House," We cured his bleeding disorder, removed all the damaged cells we could find."
Chase," We don't know that we fixed anything, it's only been a day. Maybe these symptoms come and go like the blood disorder."
House, It's more pRobable that his remaining symptoms are just a nightmare.
Foreman, He had a convulsion.
House," May be epilepsy, may be psychological, may be nothing. If the kid gets sick again it'll give us another clue, we can start searParkng again. If he doesn't, it doesn't matter. Send him home."
Cuddy, House! You're just giving up on this kid?
House, You've got to know when to stop.
Cuddy," You don't stop, you nEver stop, you just keep on going until you come up with something so insane that it's usually right."
House, Except on my last case.
Cuddy, Don't be pathetic. Just forget the last case. This kid obviously has something wrong with him.
House," When did you dEvelop such strong opinions about my Patients? Last week you were convinced that my Patient wasn't sick, now you're convinced this one is."
Cuddy," This one is a young boy. His parents are desperate. Just get together with your team, spend a few extra hours ""�"
House," Well, I guess we could amputate his left leg. That's where we found most of it. Maybe we could just remove his affected eye completely."
Cuddy," If you have reason to beliEve that that might help ""�"
House," I'm not going to start lopping off body parts, but it's interesting that you'd give me the green light."
Cuddy, I just want you to do something.
House, You've been overly supportive this entire week. Either you're hormonal or you're guilt-ridden. And it's too early in the pregnancy for this to be hormonal.
Cuddy, I'm not pregnant.
House, Then what did you do wrong?
Cuddy," He had Addison's, your last Patient. You were right. I gave him one shot of cortisol and he woke up like Rip van Winkle."
House," [To Cuddy's belly.] Oh, your mommy's in such trouble. She's such a liar! That's why you don't have a daddy. That's why she had to ""� [And! epiphany.]"
House, How does one person end up with two different sets of DNA?
Foreman, We've been through this.
House, Our assumptions are faulty.
Chase," We've confirmed two different sets of DNA, we re-ran the sequence."
House," I didn't say the lab work was faulty, I said our assumptions were faulty. We assumed he's a person."
Foreman," Of course, the aliens didn't just visit him, they replaced him."
House," Well, you're being silly. What if he's not a person, what if he's two persons?"
Cameron, I'm not getting the metaphor.
House," No metaphor. Chase, you said the mom used in vitro fertilization, right?"
Chase," Yeah, they had trouble conceiving."
House," The kid was right all along, he was implanted with something. Back when he was really young, I mean really young, I mean twelve cells young. In vitro increases the likelihood of twinning."
Cameron, But he doesn't have a twin.
House," Not walking around. But in vitro fertilization costs about 25 grand a pop. [CGI of! well, cells merging.] So doctors implant about two to six embryos to make sure you get your money's worth. PRoblem is, there's not always enough bedrooms for all of the kiddies. Two brothers get stuck sharing, there's no bunk beds, so they cuddle up to keep warm. They nEver untangle. He's two people in one. It's called Parkmerism."
House," Unfortunately, his brother's like a bad doubles partner. The guy just takes up space, gets in the way. Clancy's body thinks that he's going to put away the easy winners, but his brother just keeps swatting the balls into the net. We've got to get him off the court."
Mom," So does that mean you can find the bad cells in his brain, or not?"
House," Sure, abandon the metaphor. Fine. Clancy thinks differently than his brother because he thinks. If we induce an alien abduction ""�"
Dad," Wait, what the hell are you talking about?"
House," The foreign DNA has got to be in a portion of your son's brain that makes him beliEve that he's being abducted. We stimulate those neurons with an electric pRobe; we can trick your son's brain into hallucinating. And your son's neurons will light up, and his brother's cells will remain dark. Those are the ones we cut out."
Mom, You're talking about brain surgery.
House," I'm talking about really cool brain surgery. One of your sons will die, but the taller one won't be so annoying any more."
Clancy, So I have a twin?
Chase, Not really. What's on the card?
Clancy, Light bulb.
House," Start us out at ten. [House is doing the brain surgery. Wait, what? Clancy's arm twitches.]"
Clancy, I'm not doing that.
House," That was all me, kid. Sorry."
Foreman, You're in motor function. Try two centimeters back.
Clancy, He lives inside me?
Chase, Sort of. [House hits another part of Clancy's brain.]
Clancy," Hee, that tickles! Stop tickling my feet!"
Foreman," You're in sensory, getting closer."
Chase, What do you see on this one?
Clancy, Moon and stars. So I am kind of weird?
Chase, We're all kind of weird. [House touches his brain again.]
Clancy, NO!
Chase, Clancy?
Foreman, We've got something.
Chase, What do you see?
Clancy," The light. Here they come, I think."
Foreman, Brain waves indiCate mild hallucination. Neurons lighting up.
House, Any dark spots?
Foreman, Area's too fuzzy. Hallucination isn't strong enough.
House," Well, turn up the juice."
Chase," His blood pressure's already 160/110. Any higher and ""�"
House, Riding the short bus is better than not breathing. Take us to 100.
Foreman, Area's still too fuzzy to make any kind of distinction.
House, Crank it up higher!
Chase, You've already exceeded the preset maximum. Next step's brain damage.
House," [In front of Clancy's face.] They're going to get you! They're coming through the walls. They're going to take you, torture you! You'll nEver see your parents again. [And all the CGI guys on House weep for joy, because all they really want to do is work in sci-fi, and here it is, an alien abduction scene, complete with bizarre pRobes.]"
Clancy, You got them.
Chase," Yep, we got them all."
House, Close him up.
Chase, Everything's going to be normal again.
House, You beliEve what Cuddy tried to pull?
Wilson, What now?
House," She lied to me. She cured my Patient with my diagnosis, then lied to me about it."
Wilson, That doesn't sound like her.
House," You're right. It does sound like you, though."
Wilson, What exactly did Cuddy tell you?
House," Nothing that your body language isn't telling me right now. So, what was the plan? That I'd feel so humble by missing a case that I'd reevaluate my entire life, question nature, truth, and goodness and become Cameron?"
Wilson," Something like that. More that if we told you the truth; that you'd solved the case based on absolutely no medical proof, that you'd think you were God. And I was worried your wings would melt."
House," God doesn't limp. [House leaves and Wilson looks very, very tired.]"
]," You're not gonna make this easy, are you? [He picks up a syringe.] Unfortunately; as much as I admire your spirit, je ne sais rien."
House," 71 year old cancer research specialist. Minor tremors, localized melanoma removed 2 years ago, cataracts. And he can't breathe. Also, disregard the facial lacerations. They're creepy, but unfortunately irrelevant. [He winks.] Don't you wanna know why?"
Cameron, You! have your cane.
House," No, why the lacerations are creepy. He was about to dissect one of his lab rats when he collapsed. The little vermin seized the day, so to speak and went mEdieval on his ass. [The Ducklings stare at him with frowns.] What, my fly open?"
Foreman, So the! the pain's returned.
House," There was no pain, he was unconscious. I'm guessing, because he wasn't able to breathe."
Cameron, We're talking about you.
House," Obviously. I'm obviously not. What is it with you people? I don't use the cane, you're shocked. I use the cane!"
Cameron, We're just concerned.
House," About the wrong person. I can breathe. Ezra Powell on the other hand, is gonna die."
Foreman, THE Ezra Powell???
Chase, The researcher? The guy who wrote that textbook?
House," *That* textbook, THE textbook."
Cameron, Wait - there's actually another doctor you admire?
House," I! admire lots of doctors. 'Course most of them look a lot better in knee socks than Ezra Powell, but seeing as they can all breathe."
Chase, Oxygenation is through the floor and lungs are full of fluid. Gotta be his heart; could be Amyloidosis. [He holds up the chest x-ray.]
Foreman," Or his lungs; pRobably from using and inhaling toxic chemicals in his lab. [Camera focuses on House, grimacing in pain.]"
Chase, It's not the lungs. Chest x-ray is clean.
Foreman," So's his EKG, it's not his heart."
House," You're being too nice. [He looks up at them.] Outside the hospital he can't breathe, inside the hospital he can. Means we help, at least enough to screw with our test results. The source of the pRoblem's either in his heart or his lungs. So all we gotta do is stop helping, put a little pressure on him, and see which gives out first."
Chase," At 71, we get his heart or lungs to give out we might not get 'em to give in again."
House, That's why we're gonna do it in a hospital. Put him on an incline treadmill and do a stress EKG. [He grabs a donut and limps into his office with the cane.]
Foreman, So much for the admiration.
Cameron, Let's get you started. [Powell can't quite get out of the wheelchair.] I'll turn your oxygen up.
], I! I worked with Williams on the first protocol for this maParkne.
Cameron, Everyone still uses it.
Powell, Except for Williams. He died four years ago.
Cameron, I'm sorry.
], He was 84. He died parasailing. He was always [Gasps.] an idiot.
], You okay? [Powell begins to walk.] Hang in there. You know the protocol's only a few minutes.
Foreman," His heart rate's flat. We don't get it past 130, we're not gonna see anything."
Chase," And if he falls and breaks a hip, we're not gonna see anything"
]," I figured House might go back to the pills, but if he's using his cane he's right back to where he was before. Maybe Even worse."
Chase," Luckily he'll handle it in a stoic, grown-up fashion -- he'd nEver take it out on us. [Foreman nods.]"
], I can't. I! I gotta stop.
], Just a little longer.
Foreman, His heartbeat's only 90. I'm gonna increase the incline.
Powell, I gotta stop. I! I! I gotta get off.
Cameron," You're doing great, just a little faster, okay?"
Powell," I don't need a cheerleader, I need oxygen."
]," Stop, this isn't working."
House, His heart rate barely got above 90.
Cameron," He can't breathe, there's too much fluid in his lungs."
]," REALLY!? He's got FLUID in his lungs, whatEver are we gonna do?? Oh yeah, now I remember. [Hands results back to her.] Put him on a treadmill and run him like one of his rats on a wheel."
Cameron," He can't run, he can hardly walk."
House," It's 'cause he's not trying hard enough. If he was, his heart rate would go up."
Cameron, Exercising with a lung full of your own bodily fluids tends to hurt.
House, They don't call it a stress test for nothing. Do it again.
Cameron, He's drowning!
]," Then pull him outta the pool, and! Do. It. Again."
Powell [Coughing], I'm assuming this isn't your idea of a long term solution.
Cameron," We need to get rid of the fluid in your lungs, so you'll be able to do the test."
]," To see if it's my heart, or my lungs."
Cameron, Exactly.
Powell," My money's on both. [Sighs.] I've been in and out of the hospital for the past year. I'm old. And sick. I'm getting older and sicker. Not a very interesting differential, but! [Grimaces in pain as the needle goes in.] Oh!"
Chase, I'm in. [Tight shot on the syringe and Powell grimacing.]
], You don't need a $400 handbag.
House, It's kinda hard to check your throat when you're flapping your gums around.
], Oh! sorry.
Daughter, But it's for the fall formal.
], He doesn't care if it's for the presidential inauguration.
], Uh huh.
Daughter," But I'm using Marissa's old dress, it's free."
]," Yeah, you know what else is free? The roof over your head, the food you eat, [The girl frowns at House.] your phone, your computer. [He takes the tongue depressor out of Dad's mouth and addresses him.] How long have you been congested?"
Dad," All week, Ever since we got back from Fresno."
]," Fresno. That's in France, right? See the Parthenon?"
Dad," Uh, California. I've got no appetite, I'm aParkng all over, I'm weak..."
], Does that hurt?
Dad, Yeah.
], Does his voice always have that unattractive nasal tone?
], Totally.
]," I'm gonna take that giggle as a no. FEver, aches, weakness, loss of appetite. [Daughter is smiling at House again.] You been having any anal sex with I.V. drug users lately?"
]," Of course not, I'm married."
], You think she might've been having--
], NO!!
], It's pRobably a rhinovirus. [He starts filling out a prescription.]
Dad, What's that?
House," Cold. [He hands him the slip of paper.] Take this 4 times a day, and stay off airplanes. Flying cesspools."
]," Oops! [Straightening up and beaming at House as she hands them back.] You dropped something. If there's anything else you can think of, please call."
], Yes?
Cameron, He's! too old and weak.
Powell," Yeah, this is way better. This'll work. [Grunts.]"
Cameron, Just try.
]," There are 20 words to describe chest pain -- burning, squeezing, stabbing, tearing -- each one diagnostically useful. For that you have to thank Dr. Powell's textbook. There are no words to describe degrees of what he's feeling right now -- shortness of breath. If he'd worked on those issues, there would be. Because he nEver would have given up until he had an answer."
], This isn't working.
Powell, Dr. House!
House, Please don't get up. I'm sure you're very busy. [He gets a syringe from a cart.] I'm just gonna try and speed things up a little.
Cameron, Is that Epi? That's not the protocol.
]," No, the protocol, is what you tried to do and failed each time. [All are staring at him like he's mad. The maParkne starts to beep as Powell's heart rate increases.] Over 100! now we're getting somewhere. How's it look, Foreman?"
], No EKG changes.
], Then we push harder.
Cameron," House, you're gonna kill him."
]," No, he's right, let him -- let him do it."
House, See? That's why he doesn't have to wear knee socks.
], He can't breathe.
House," 130. [Powell looks scared, and like he can't breathe.] The magic number. Nothing here. Foreman?"
Foreman, Still no sign of blockage.
House," Which means it's not the heart. So it must be the lungs. [Goes over to the cart to put the syringe down, not to get another syringe to calm the guy.] See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"
Powell, No! Just -- give me the rest of the epinephrine.
Cameron," The test is over, it's okay, we're gonna stabilize you."
Powell," No! [Grabs her arm, then more softly.] No. Just let me die."
Cameron, You're not gonna die.
]," Yes, I a-am."
Cameron, We'll find a treatment.
], I don't wanna live like this. Please. I'm begging you. [Gasps.] Kill me.
Cameron," He says no more tests. He wants to die, and he wants us to help him do it."
], And I want to play a little game I like to call 'Block My Spike' with Misty Mae.
Cameron, He's thought this through; it's not an impulsive decision.
House, Neither is mine. He's depressed. He'll feel much better after we cure him.
Chase," He's seen all the tests we've seen. Even if we figure out what was causing the lung damage, it's too late to rEverse it."
House, You can't know that without knowing what's wrong.
], It's his call.
Foreman, So what do we do? We put a plastic bag over his head and get it over with?
Chase," No. We give him a syringe full of morphine. [The others turn to look at him.] Every doctor I've Ever practiced with has done it. They don't want to, they don't like to, but that's the way it is."
]," I haven't, I won't."
Cameron, I couldn't do it either.
], You just said we should respect his decision.
Cameron, Respect it doesn't necessarily mean we honor it.
Chase," Right. Just means we talk about it. [Pause.] At some point, do no harm has to mean allowing nature to take its course, not stubbornly standing in the way of it."
Foreman, Sticking a metal syringe into a plastic I.V. line and pumping in a lethal dose of morphine is not letting nature take its course. Not according to the state of New Jersey.
Cameron, So it's better we allow him to slowly suffoCate in his own plasma?
Foreman," Whose side are you on, senator? First respect his wishes, then invade Iraq, then get the troops home. Make up your mind."
House," Wow. [The ducklings snap to attention.] Certainly a lot of interesting things to consider. Stress EKG rules out the heart, which means something's gotta be attacking his lungs. Mycoplasmas or strep pneumo, which pRobably means it's too late to do anything about it. We could try levofloxacin."
Cameron, Coming up with a new treatment isn't gonna do us any good unless we convince him it's worth trying.
House," Oh, come on. He's old, and sick, and tiny. We can do whatEver we want to him."
Cameron, What happened?
Nurse, I don't know. Must've fallen out of bed and got the nasal canula wrapped around his neck somehow.
Cameron," Ezra, what are you doing?"
Powell [As the nurse adjusts his oxygen]," I don't wanna live hooked to maParknes, too weak to wipe my own ass."
], Why would you wanna wipe your own ass when you can have someone do it for you?
Powell, You're wasting your time. There must be other Patients you could actually help.
House," No, all services rendered on a first-come, first-served basis."
Powell," I won't consent! To any more tests. And if anyone tries to so much as touch me, I'll press charges for assault."
]," Okay well you heard the Man; he wants Everyone to leave him alone. [To the nurse.] Why don't you go first. [Nurse stares at him.] GET OUT! [She glares at him, but leaves. House sits on the bed.] You came to me, I didn't come to you."
Powell," I figured you'd have the guts to do what had to be done, if it came to that."
]," We're nowhere near that. It's time to test your lungs. [He uses his cane to grab a breath meter from the bedside cart, and puts the hose end into Powell's mouth. Powell struggles.] Breathe! You have to exhale sometime."
], Stop!
]," House, you're hurting him."
House," You're hurting me. [They let go, Powell begins to cough, spitting out the meter.] Fine; you don't help us, we don't help you. [House faces him and speaks slowly.] Your lungs slowly fill with fluid. You gasp to catch Every breath but nEver can. Every breath is petrifying. It'll be slow, painful; torturous."
Powell," We don't choose our birth, and we don't choose our death."
House," What if you could? How 'bout we make a deal? Give me one more day. If I don't find out exactly what's wrong with you by then, I help you die."
Cameron, House! [Foreman shakes his head.]
House," 24 hours. Come on, it's not gonna kill you."
Powell, Ha. [Nods.]
], Old guy. Lungs. Fluid. Go.
Foreman, You canNOT help him kill himself.
House, Of course I can. Chase says we do it all the time. [Chase rolls his eyes.]
Cameron, Cuddy's not gonna let you!
House," Enough! You don't want me to kill him. Fine. Here's a big shock; I don't wanna kill him either. How do I not kill him? By you guys doing your job. We have 24 hours to figure out what's wrong with him. [ImPatiently waiting for ideas from the ducklings.] Tick tock, tick tock."
Chase, I'll draw cultures. Pneumonia; should be bacteria in his blood.
House, It's gonna take longer than 24 hours.
Chase," Not if I spin down the sample. Separate off the buffy coat, then gram stain for bacteria."
House," [Nods.] Great. Do an Amylase, D-dimer, C-reactive peptide, get a urine, and do a bronParkal sputum while you're at it. [He indiCates Cameron.] You check his home and lab for radiation and toxins. [He indiCates Foreman.] And do a bone marrow biopsy."
Foreman, All of that in 24 hours?
House, Nah. WhatEver you don't get done you can finish at the autopsy.
Long montage sequence of the Ducklings at work," Cameron examining Powell's House, and lab; the other two taking samples, doing tests, cultures; all three doing research reading, waking each other up when they doze off, drinking coffee.)"
], Wow. You guys look like crap. [They say nothing.] Whaddya got?
], Purple dye on my fingers.
House, What'd the bone marrow biopsy show?
Foreman, Don't have the results.
House, What? What've you been doing all night?
Cameron," JELLO shots and wild sex, what else? [House looks shocked, then narrows his eyes suspiciously at Cameron.]"
Foreman," No bacteria in the blood cultures. We still have some cooking, but so far, nothing."
Chase, Nothing in the urine.
Cameron," Lab was clean enough to do surgery in, because well, they *do*. There was no sign of viruses or fleas on any of the rats."
]," Yeah. -- Who? ""� Well! tell her to call the clinic. Then tell her to leave a message, and I'll get back to her. [Cameron frowns suspiciously, obviously having an idea of who is on the phone.] Then tell her to leave a personal message. [He hangs up.]"
Cameron, Who's that?
House, Your prot�g�. What are these?
Cameron, Dictation tapes. He records Everything.
House, Why?
Cameron, Because he's a diligent researcher?
House, Or he's losing his memory.
Cameron, A lot of people dictate their notes.
House," Yes, we could assume that, and we'd have nothing. Or we could assume it's a symptom, in which case whatEver's in his lungs, is also in his brain. Unless you got something more promising."
Cameron, I'll go get an MRI of his head.
House, Keep testing 'til you find something. I'm going to my office to rest for awhile. [They all glare after him.]
]," It's been a long time since I took an anatomy [He coughs.] class, but I'm pretty sure you're moving farther and farther away from my lungs. Running out of places to look aren't you?"
Cameron, Doesn't mean we're gonna stop looking.
Powell," No, not for six more hours."
Cameron, You want us to fail?
Powell," No, but you will."
Wilson, No abnormal nuclei means no leukemia; he a drinker?
House, Not according to the history.
Wilson," Which means yes, he drinks, which gives us a nice mundane explanation for the acellularity."
House, Or he's telling the truth. Which means fungus is still on the table.
Wilson," But your entire view of huMan nature gets destroyed. [He shrugs.] Six of one, half a dozen of the other."
House, Bad news fast. Good news you can take your time.
Cameron," Head is clean. You were wrong, his faculties are intact."
House," Too bad. If his brain was addled, we wouldn't have to listen to anything he says."
Wilson, Hand me the 10% KOH.
Cameron, It's 4 o'clock; we have nothing to tell him.
House, Then we have no reason to talk to him. We still haven't ruled out fungus.
Wilson," Yup, we have. No buds, no hyphae."
House," [Sighs.] Okay. Next procedure; we sneak in, turn back the clock. [Wilson smiles, Cameron looks forlorn.]"
Powell, Whole team. Must [Coughs.] be bad news.
House," Nope. Bone marrow biopsy rEvealed multiple myeloma. [Chase and Foreman exchange looks.] It's not good news, but there are some treatments. [Cameron is staring at House] We have to draw some blood!"
Powell, What about my breathing?
House, Associated hyperviscosity syndrome; gummed up the blood vessels in your lungs.
Powell, Dr. Chase said my calcium is normal.
House," Mm. We call him Dr. Idiot. [Chase rolls his eyes, Foreman crosses his arms.]"
Powell, There's no M-protein in my urine.
House, Odd presentation.
Powell, So odd that Dr. Cameron doesn't beliEve it either. [House turns and glares at her.]
House, Just give me 12 more hours.
Powell, We had a deal. No more tests.
House, Fair enough. Give me six more hours. [Powell purses his lips.] Listen; there is no evidence that you are terminal.
Powell, You a Man of your word or not?
House," No, as a matter of fact, I'm not."
Powell," Fine. Then discharge me. [House looks beaten.] My lungs will slowly fill with fluid, I'll gasp to catch Every breath, but nEver can."
Foreman, Where you going?
], Nowhere.
House, Everybody who can walk should get outta here. [House takes morphine and a syringe out of the kit.]
Cameron, You can't do that.
House, Can't do what? Administer a prescription painkiller to a Patient who's in pain? Go. Make sure somebody sees you downstairs in the cafeteria.
Foreman," I can't let you do this. [He walks over to House, who is filling the syringe, to stop him.]"
Ezra, [Gasping in between words.] Either I die in pain or I just die; that's what the argument is here.
Foreman, No it's about whether you die or we murder you.
House," [Holding up syringe, while talking to Foreman.] What's gonna happen here is that someone's getting a butt-load of morphine. I'm not sure exactly who at this point. [Foreman takes a moment to think it over, and then leaves the room in a huff.]"
Cameron, I can't be a part of this. [She leaves the room as well.]
Ezra," [Quietly, to House.] Thank you. [House gives a quick nod.] I've always wondered exactly what was on the other side."
House, Nothing. [House injects the morphine into Ezra's IV. Ezra flatlines. House and Chase stand there solemnly for a few moments. Then House looks at his watch. House grabs the bed and pulls it away from the wall.]
Chase, What are you doing?
House," Getting a laryngoscope. [House grabs a laryngoscope.] Don't just stand there, help."
Chase," But you told him ""�"
House," [Interrupting.] Yeah. A little something I like to call a lie. Bad I know, but it's way further down the list than murder. [He intubates Ezra and starts to pump the ambu bag.] He's unconscious. No more whining. I'm gonna keep testing him. [Chase looks confused and indignant.] Go get a ventilator, not gonna do this all night."
House, We can legally assume that he'd consent to whatEver a reasonable person would consent to. [Cut to House's office.]
Cameron, And a reasonable person would obviously consent to being put in a coma against their will just to satisfy your curiosity.
House," [Fake exasperation with a *hint* of real exasperation.] I try to kill him, you're mad. I don't kill him you're mad."
Cameron, All he wanted was some dignity.
House," Were you in that room with him? Was he wearing a tux while he was choking on his own plasma? Keep doing the tests. Take your time, do it right. Go. [Turns to look at the MRI.] Get to work. [House studies the MRI for a couple of seconds, obviously expecting the ducklings to go do his bidding.] Wait! [He turns in his chair. Ducklings haven't moved, and House is a twinge embarrassed for yelling, but tries not to let it show.] Cameron, why'd you do these cuts so far down on this MRI of his head?"
Cameron," I wanted to get his brain-stem and his C-spine, make sure his diaphragm wasn't paralyzed."
House, You also caught the top of his lungs. There's scarring. [Cameron is staring at him.] You do know that you can't really pierce me with your stares.
Chase, Lung scarring along with the bad bone marrow points to an autoimmune disease. Could be pulmonary fibrosis.
Foreman, Or Lupus.
House," He can kill himself after we get him better. Start him on an IVIG for the Lupus, and get a colonoscopy. Lupus could be hiding there."
Cameron, I can't do this. [She leaves.]
House, Drama queen.
Foreman, Ascending colon's clean.
Chase, Moving into the sigmoid.
Foreman, Sure could use a little more help around here.
Chase, [With slight sarcasm.] She's doing what she beliEves in.
Foreman," Yeah. If she was acting on principle, she'd be in here trying to stop us. All she's doing is running away from the principle so she won't have to feel uncomfortable facing it."
Chase," And if you were acting on principle, you would have called the cops when you thought House was killing the guy."
Foreman, [Ignoring Chase.] Better hurry up.
Chase, Why?
Foreman, I don't think she's gonna have a pRoblem deciding what to tell Cuddy. [Ezra's heart monitor starts beeping.] O2 sats 89 and dropping.
House, Thought you were only supposed to put on a pound a week during your last trimester.
Cuddy, [Sighs.] I'm not pregnant. I heard about your little stunt with Dr. Powell.
House," [Makes a drawn out whining sound.] Not really a stunt. More of a trick, a ruse, a hoodwink."
Cuddy, A lie.
House," Ok. Lying is sometimes good, right? Like when you're trying to teach someone a lesson about humility, or something. All I'm trying to do is save his life. He's not gonna learn anything; I just thought the same principle might apply."
Cuddy, It does.
House, I coulda just let him die.
Cuddy, Not gonna get sued for keeping him alive.
House," Well, we could; we completely disregarded his wishes."
Cuddy," Do you want me to disagree with you? [Turns to House, they stop walking. Sarcastically.] Want me to yell at you?"
House, It is comforting.
Cuddy," We're doctors: We treat Patients, we don't kill them."
House," [Raises voice, speaking into her lapel pin as though it is a microphone.] How right you are, Dr. Cuddy! We also don't pad our bills, swipe samples from the pharmacy, or fantasize about the teenage daughters of our Patients, either."
Cuddy," True, better be true, and you're a pig."
Cuddy, I'm sorry about your leg.
House, Yeah. [Walks away.] We really should spend some time talking about that. [Cuddy sighs.]
Foreman, The IVIG made him worse. O2 stats plummeted.
House, [Sighs.] So we know it's not Lupus. What else could it be?
Chase, Idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis.
House, Gonna need an open lung biopsy to confirm. [House goes into a lounge; Chase and Foreman follow.]
Foreman," So, now we're going to operate on the guy?"
House, Unless you've invented a new way of doing an open lung biopsy.
House," When you searched Dr. Powell's office, did you find a copy of the January, 1967 Massachusetts Medical Journal?"
Cameron, Why?
House," I just figured, if you're not doing any work, you might like something to pass the time. Centerfold's a killer. [House walks away, leaving Cameron curious.]"
House, [Fake cheering of an audience. Wilson enters.]
Wilson, How's your leg?
House, It hurts. [Sighs.] It's gonna keep on hurting. You gonna keep on asking?
Wilson, How's Ezra Powell?
House, Resting comfortably.
Wilson," Hmm, that's not what Cameron says."
House, I hate practicing medicine in high school.
Wilson, He's not asking you to help him kill himself; he's just asking for help. The disease will kill him.
House, I know what he was asking for; I just said 'no'.
Wilson, You've done it before. Plenty of times.
House, To Patients that I knew were terminal.
Wilson," [Annoyed.] Oh, give me a break. This has nothing to do with saving a life; you just can't bear the thought of a Patient dying before you've been able to figure out why."
House, If we're gonna keep refusing to cure Patients just to rein in my ego then we might start having a little pRoblem with Patient recruitment. [House's pager goes off.]
Wilson, [Snidely.] Worried about meeting your one Patient a week quota?
House," [Leaving.] I'm a cripple, remember. Accommodations must be made."
Chase," Sample of the left lobe isolated, and removed. Clamp. [Cut to House watParkng surgery from above. Cameron walks in.]"
Cameron, Why'd you have me look up that article?
House, Didn't you find it interesting?
Cameron, He injected newborn babies with radioactive agents just to see if they had urethral reflux.
House, He was curious.
Cameron, He didn't Even tell their parents he was doing an experiment.
House, He wasn't doing anything his peers weren't doing.
Cameron, His peers at Tuskegee and Willowbrook?!
House, He ignored the rights of the few to save Many.
Cameron, So you're okay with what he did.
House, Doesn't matter what I think. It's what you think that's relevant.
Cameron," Because, if I think less of him, I'll help you more? You're wrong. The fact that a Patient did bad things doesn't change anything. He still deserves to have some control over his own body."
House," If he had control of his own body, he'd be dead."
Cameron, Some control. We can withhold treatment without killing him.
House," No you can't! You either help him live, or you help him die; you can't have it both ways. [Chase looks up at House from the operating room and shakes his head.]"
House, Well I guess it's not IPF. [Ezra's heart monitor starts beeping.]
House," Well, maybe he'll die right now. Make Everything easy for all of us. [He leaves and Cameron is alone in the observation room.]"
Foreman, Heart rate's fast.
Chase," BP's low. [House takes stethoscope from random surgeon, then checks Ezra with it.]"
House," No breath sounds on the right side; he's dropped his right lung. [Removes stethoscope.] Air's building up in his chest, compressing his heart. [House makes an incision in Ezra, and places a chest tube in him, which re-inflates the lung.]"
Chase, Heart rate's decreasing.
Foreman," BP's stabilizing. [House sews up Ezra to hold the tube in place. While doing this he accidentally hits his right hand. There is no reaction from Ezra. Again, House prods - purposefully, this time - and there is still no response. House goes to test Ezra's left foot.]"
Chase," What are you doing? [House prods Ezra's left foot, and it twitches.]"
House," Withdraws from pain stimuli on the left side, but not the right."
Foreman, Those are just reflex arcs; he's under anesthesia.
House, Or he's lost sensation in some places.
Chase, Or the hypoxia from the arrest stunned his CNS.
House, Only one way to tell. Do some ATA sensory evoked potentials.
Foreman, We can't do that while he's in a coma.
House, Only two ways to tell. Get a hammer and check his deep tendon reflexes.
Chase, Won't work. He needs muscle relaxants to be on the ventilator.
House," [Long blink, thinking.] Only one more way to tell. Pupillary reflexes."
Foreman, All that tests is the brainstem.
House," See, I was right; only one way to tell. Do some ATA sensory evoked potentials."
Foreman, I just said we can't do that while he's in a coma.
House, So wake him up. [House leaves.]
House, Don't go towards the light. You'll fall and break your hip.
Ezra, What's happening? I --
House, You took a little nap.
Ezra," No, I! I told you I didn't want --"
House," [Interrupting.] Sorry, little deaf in one ear. Your bone marrow was hypocellular; we ruled out lupus and pulmonary fibrosis, but it looks like it could be attacking your nerves."
Ezra," So, this is all a waste, a huge fail! [Gasps.] failure. Impossible, you're Gregory House."
House, We need to attach some sensors to your skin.
Ezra, No.
House," Look, we can't do what you want; we've assigned a nurse to watch you so you can't do it either. So, you might as well just let us do the test."
Ezra, No. I wanna be discharged.
Chase, You can't be discharged; you've got two chest tubes in.
Ezra, Then take them out!
House," Oh, get over yourself. The ventilator puffed up your lungs; you'll be fine for a few hours. Just let us run the tests. [Ezra rips off some leads that were attached to him.]"
House," Ok. But first, let's clean you up a little. [He grabs a glass of water and splashes a few drops of it on Ezra's chest.] That feel nice?"
Foreman, [Curious.] What are you trying to prove?
House," Just cleaning him up. What's it look like? [He walks over to the end of Ezra's bed, lifts up the sheet and sticks his head behind it.] Pay no attention to the Man behind the curtain. House runs his thumb down Ezra's right foot, and there is no reaction. He does the same to his left, and this time the foot twitches.]"
Ezra, Get out!
House," Okay, I'm going already. Can't you see I'm a cripple? [House leaves.]"
Foreman," Ok, so you got me curious."
House, I was right; whatEver is attacking his lungs is attacking his nerves.
Chase, You got that by splashing ice water on him?
House," No sensation in the left leg, abdomen, right arm. Technology's overrated."
Foreman, That means the clean MRI of his brain means it's just affecting the peripheral nerves.
House, And bone marrow.
Chase, Kawasaki's would explain the kidney failure.
Foreman, Or lymphoma.
Chase, Or sarcoidosis.
House, All potentially treatable. Question is which. We need to catch the little bastards in the act. What's the largest organ?
Chase, Skin.
House, We need to get a piece. [House leaves them standing there.]
Foreman," Sure, we'll just wait until he leaves his room without his skin, sneak in, and take a piece. [Chase snickers.]"
House, I want you to get a skin sample for a biopsy.
Cameron, And I wanna get a foot massage from Johnny Damon.
House," [Walking towards the desk.] Kawasaki's disease, lymphoma, and sarcoidosis are all treatable."
Cameron, And it could be a hundred other things that aren't treatable. You have no idea.
House, But you do; you know Everything.
Cameron, I didn't say that I -
House," [Slams cane down on desk.] Exactly! You can't decide if we're helping or hurting him; if he's good or bad; or if you want paper, plastic, or a burlap sack. Do your damn job. [House starts to leave.]"
Cameron, I'm not gonna lie to him.
House," Fine, tell the truth. Just get me a pound of flesh."
Ezra, What do you want?
Cameron, House wants to biopsy your skin; he sent me to get it.
Ezra, [With slight surprise.] Oh. And you agreed.
Cameron, I had nothing to do with putting you in a coma or any of the subsequent tests.
Ezra, Which brings us to now.
Cameron, I read some of your articles.
Ezra, There were a lot of them.
Cameron," 1967 Massachusetts Medical Journal. You radiated babies. Just like that. No forms, no questions, nothing. Who knows how Many cancers you caused."
Ezra, I don't know. What I do know is we discovered techniques that prEvent fatal kidney failures in hundreds of thousands of other kids.
Cameron, You're not sorry.
Ezra," I don't regret what I did. Informed consent, Patient rights - holds back research. [Cameron takes the tool to get the sample and slices Ezra, who groans in surprise and pain.] What the hell are you doing?"
Cameron, Informed consent is holding back our diagnosis.
Ezra, Good for you. Finally standing up for something; acting on what you beliEve.
Ali," Dr. House? [House looks over in surprise.] Hi, how are you?"
House, Not as good as you think I am.
Ali," Don't worry, I'm not stalking you. My dad just lost his medicine; he had to come back for another prescription."
House," Yeah, right. He's moving it on the street, isn't he?"
Ali," [Laughs] Yeah, my dad, the meth kingpin. [House starts to walk away.]"
Ali, Why haven't you returned any of my calls?
House, [He stops and thinks.] I plan to. In a couple of years.
Ali, I was just calling to say 'thank you.' And to tell you how impressed I was; you diagnosed my dad by just looking at him.
House," Felt his glands, too. [Ali gives a slight laugh.]"
Ali," Oh, there's my dad; I gotta go."
House, Yeah. Me too.
Ali," [While walking away.] Oh, and, you really don't have to wait a couple of years to return my calls. Just six months; till I turn 18."
Chase," [At a microscope as House enters.] It's not Kawasaki's, either. What's next?"
House, Congo red.
Chase, Amyloidosis?
House, What the hell else would I mean by 'Congo red?'
Cameron, It's not on the list.
Foreman, There's no reason for it to be on the list.
House," An abnormal protein is building up inside the cells of his body; shutting down his organs one by one. Explains Everything; the infiltrates on the x-ray, the bone marrow, kidney failure."
Foreman," We rejected Amyloidosis, because it didn't fit the first symptom we found. It would affect his heart."
House, It did.
Cameron, It wasn't on the stress test.
House, We didn't push him hard enough. [To Chase.] Add the stain; let's find out.
Chase, Congo red added.
House," Change the polarization of the light, already. [Results confirm that it is Amyloidosis.]"
Cameron, That means it should be treatable.
Foreman, How the hell you pull that out of --
House, [Interrupting.] Not outta mine. I had a muse.
Chase," Oh, God. Protein type AA. [Everyone looks disheartened -- And House hands Cameron a candy bar.]"
Ezra, Dr. House.
House," You have Amyloidosis; it's in your lungs, kidneys, bone marrow, and brain."
Ezra, Why should I beliEve you now?
House," If I was lying, I wouldn't tell you the subtype is AA. It's terminal."
Ezra," Congratulations, you got your answer. [House looks so defeated, quite the opposite of Ezra's slight smile]"
Medley of scenes," Ezra shaking in his bed; House, defeated in his office, pops a Vicodin; Cameron thinking in the lounge shower area. The music is Into Dust by Mazzy Star.)"
Cuddy, Ezra Powell passed away last night. I'm sure you already knew about that.
House, [Shakes his head a little.] No. I just got in.
Cuddy," The nurse charted at 2 AM; he was stable. Breathing labored, but regular. And at 2:30 he suddenly stopped. [House is thinking.] You know anything about that?"
House," If I did, would you really wanna know? [Cuddy nods and then leaves.]"
House, [Puts his hand on her shoulder.] I'm proud of you.
Dominic," Follow my finger. [Adam pulls up his shirt so he doesn't have to see.] Adam, show me a bicycle. [He holds up a pad with stick-on pictures of objects. We see from Adam's point of view that things look exceptionally blurry and his interest is drawn to a fly.] Eyes here. Adam? Show me a bicycle."
Dominic," [Resigned.] No buddy, that's a ball. [Adam hides behind his t-shirt again.] Adam look at me, are you hungry? Show me what you want for lunch."
Dominic, Still drawing those lines instead of looking at the cards.
Sarah, More juice?
Dominic, He wants more juice he has to ask for it. Adam? Buddy? Eyes here.
Sarah, He's tired Dom.
Dominic," Wouldn't be if we stuck to the schedule. Show me the juice, buddy."
Sarah, Think we've reached the point of diminished returns.
Dominic, [Sharply interrupting her.] He has to ask for it. Adam!
Sarah, He's choking!
Dominic," That's impossible, it's mac and cheese."
House, 10-yr-old boy screams for his life for no reason.
Foreman," He's autistic, sEverely autistic. Can't talk, can't make eye contact. Screaming's pRobably his way of communicating."
House, And he went to 3 different doctors who all said just that.
Foreman," Wow, so clearly that can't be the answer. His brain can't filter information, it's a constant assault on his senses I'd scream too."
House, Or it's something medical sounding like dysesthesia. Parents are convinced that there's something wrong with their son. [He suddenly walks out of the office; the Ducklings quickly get up and follow him.]
Cameron, Since when do we start believing parents? Or anyone? Where are we going?
House," Elevator. [He presses the button and waits for it.] Dad was on Wall Street, mom was a partner in an accounting firm, when their son was diagnosed with autism they both quit."
Foreman," So they're overprotective and scared, that's all the more reason to--"
House," They've studied this kid, heard him scream a million times. Did 10 years of caring for him, this is the first time they've brought him to a hospital."
Foreman," ER checked his throat, no obstructions, nothing! Which means the only symptom was a scream, which is diagnostic of nothing."
Chase," [Beta Comment: Who, lately, always seems willing to give it a shot when the other two are being dismissive.] Kid clutched his chest, BP was elevated; maybe there was chest pain."
Foreman, ER said the heart was fine.
House, Don't be so quick to dismiss pain.
Cameron, Where are we going?
House," Down. Stool sample to check for parasites, blood culture to rule out infection and ANA for lupus."
Cameron, Because he screamed?
Chase," Could also be an environmental reaction; an allergy, dust, wheat, pollen, a toxin."
House," Check the House. Run a lung ventilation scan. Lungs are in the chest too, right?"
Foreman," I had a date last night, she screamed. Should we spend a 100,000 dollars testing her?"
House," Of course not, this isn't a veterinary hospital. Zing! [He pushes the door open into the clinic.] Look, if you don't think this kid is worth saving--"
Foreman, That's not what I'm saying!
House," Well that's too bad, it's a good point. Kid's just a lump with tonsils. You know what it's going to be like trying to put an autistic kid into a nuclear scanner? I don't envy you guys. [He opens the door to Cuddy's office and leaves them to their job.]"
House," I want my old carpet back. [He bangs his cane on to her desk, she's on the phone.]"
Cuddy, Err; we're going to have to do this later. A kid in the clinic had an accident. [She puts the phone down.] Generally when people are on the phone--
House, I want my old carpet back.
Cuddy," It was stained, with blood."
House," Yeah, my blood. Which makes the carpet part of me, I want it back. I want to be buried with it."
Cuddy, You think you can get me to do anything you want regardless of how stupid it is?
House," It's my office; it's where I work, where I think, where I save lives, allowing you to brag to rich people so they'll give you more money to spend on MRIs and low-cut tops. I want it back the way it was."
Cuddy," It's identical to the old carpet, except without the hazardous biological waste."
House, I shall not return to my office until Every patented durable microfibre has been restored to its rightful place.
Cuddy," Inspiring. [She puts up her feet on the desk.] If you don't want to work in your office, work in the clinic. You don't want to work in the clinic, go home and don't get paid."
House, [Banging on the floor with his cane.] Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica! [Stops banging the cane and looks at her.] Attica?
Dominic, He just needs to finish this lEvel.
Foreman," We only have the scanner for the next half hour, after that--"
Dominic, Trust me; you don't want to move him until he's finished.
Foreman," The sooner we do this test, the sooner we can get you guys home."
Dominic, [Sits down next to Adam.] Adam? Do you think that--
Dominic, 10 minutes tops.
Foreman," If he has a vascular disorder, we might not have--"
Dominic, He might not have 10 minutes?
Foreman, I don't have 10 minutes. [He tries to snatch the PSP from Adam. Beta Comment: He obviously slept through class the day they discussed autism.]
Dominic, No! You don't want to do that! [Adam cries and starts screaming.] Adam! Adam! [Sarah tries to calm him down by hugging his head and making comforting sounds.]
Sarah, Can't you sedate him or something?
Foreman, Could if I didn't want the test results to mean anything.
Cameron," [With a bottle of pills.] Big shocker, dad's depressed."
Chase," Save your time, SSRIs don't cause chest pain. [He puts something back in the fridge and looks at what is on the door.] Wow. Every minute of Every day is booked. He eats, sleeps, plays his handheld."
Cameron, Not much of a life for them.
Chase, They chose to have a family; you don't get to decide what your kid's going to be like.
Cameron, Nobody chooses this.
Chase," It's funny. You get a normal kid, a parent works. You get a special kid that costs more; you quit and turn the backyard into a therapy circuit."
Cameron," Yes, if only you were handicapped, all the good times you could have had with dad. [He looks at her like 'Dude.']"
Ali, Hey doctor House.
House, Hello girl whose name I don't remember but whose dad I treated so I don't really know why she's here.
Ali, Ali. Umm... I think I caught what my dad has. The rhino thing.
House, Right. [He presses two fingers into two spots on her forehead.] Does that hurt?
Ali, A little. It's in my chest too.
House," Of course it is. [He puts the earpieces of the stethoscope back into his ear as she unzips her shirt... she doesn't have anything on underneath. House's jaw drops and he goes rather wide-eyed.] Kinda had access through the shirt, this'll work. [He listens to her heart.]"
Ali, That feels good.
House, Exactly when did New Jersey run out of horny 17-yr-old boys?
Ali, About 5 weeks ago? It's been very lonely.
Foreman," The ventilation scan was normal, time to send him home."
House," Can't leave right now. [Turns back to Ali.] Well congratulations, you are the proud owner of your very own rhino thing."
Foreman, A rhinovirus? You can't leave because she has a cold?
House, Can't leave because Cuddy says I can't leave.
Foreman, All the tests are normal.
Brenda," Hey, don't start with me. We're backed up."
House, I know this is hard for all of us but thanks to doctor Cuddy I don't have an office so I have to work here.
Cameron, What'd she do to your office?
House," It's unusable. So, whatEver's bothering him it wasn't his lungs. What about the kid's House?"
Cameron, There were some pesticides and some alcohol but the tox screen was negative.
Foreman, Which means there's nothing physically wrong with this kid.
House, We already had that discussion. Did we get a fecal smear? [He purposely says the last bit louder to ick out the people in the clinic.]
Chase, Should we do this some place else?
House," Nope, Cuddy says I have to work here."
Cuddy," [Walking out of her office.] No, I said you can work in your office or you had to work here."
House, And since I can't work in my office.
Cuddy, Is this your master plan? Disrupt hospital business until I replace your carpet?
House," Devious. Saw it in a James Bond movie. [Raising the volume.] Fecal smear, talk to me!"
Cuddy, Get out of here.
House, Put back my carpet?
Cuddy, No! Get out of here!
House," Fecal matter, is there a sample we can look at?"
Foreman, Parents have the smear the kit but the kid is constipated.
Cuddy," Do what you want, not replacing your carpet. [She smiles in victory and struts back into her office.]"
House," Go up his rear and get a smear. Which reminds me, I kinda feel like a bagel. [He walks out of the clinic.]"
Cameron, Carpets.
Foreman," We need a stool sample. We should pRobably wait until he's finished playing that lEvel, huh?"
Sarah, I actually think he's a bit better today. He seems more like his old self.
Foreman, [All pompous and I-told-you-so.] It is possible that he was nEver sick.
Dominic, I guess we err... could have overreacted.
Dominic, Adam? Adam!
Sarah, Adam!
House, So what makes fluid fill the lining of a kid's lungs?
Cameron, Why are we in here? This is some sort of power play?
House, Yeah. So you stuck your finger in the kid and gave him a pleural effusion. [He moves stuff off the edge of Wilson's desk so he can perch on it.] You Ever considered getting a Manicure?
Foreman, I took the stool sample after his lungs failed.
Cameron, Or do you really have a pRoblem with the carpeting? Change sets you off--
House," I said it was a power play, someone answers yes to option A, you don't move on to option B."
Chase," If there's a pleural effusion, we have to rule out heart failure. [Beta Comment: Still the only one actually on task.]"
Cameron, Why now? Why a power play now?
House," I smelled weakness. Get the kid an echocardiogram. [He starts playing with the Zen garden on Wilson's desk when Wilson enters his office. He looks confused at seeing the team in there, the Ducklings look slightly embarrassed. Wilson looks at the name on his door.]"
Wilson," That's funny; it says Wilson, what a strange typo."
House, The fluid comes back in exudate; get him on broad spectrum antibiotics.
Wilson, Thank you for coming.
Cameron, No pRoblem.
House, Thought you wouldn't mind sharing offices for a while.
Wilson," You share stories, feelings... toys. You don't share offices."
House, That is so not Zen.
Wilson," It was a gift, some doctors get those."
House, So you want mornings or afternoons?
Wilson, [Hangs up his lab coat.] You couldn't make Cuddy miserable so you're going to make me miserable so I can make Cuddy miserable on your behalf?
House, Yep.
Wilson, What makes you think I can make her miserable? [Starts rolling up his sleEves.]
House, Because you're good at that stuff.
Wilson," Ohhh, I'm nothing compared to you."
House, [Picks up a random toy.] Is there anything you'll throw out?
Wilson," That's a gift from an 11-yr-old Patient of mine, she and I both knew it was a piece of junk and that's what made her laugh."
House, So you gotta keep it until she! [He draws his hand across his neck and makes an execution sound.]
Wilson, She already did.
Foreman," Adam, I need you to stay still buddy!"
Dominic," Okay, it's okay, I got him. Here we go."
Dominic, What? What is it? Is his heart ok?
Foreman, No.
Foreman," Echo suggested a conduction abnormality, EKG confirmed it."
Chase," Still doesn't explain the effusion. Pleural fluid was in exudate, we should be looking for something that explains both the heart and lung pRoblems. An infection, parasite, cancer?"
Foreman, MicRobiology showed no organisms in the fluid so forget infection.
Cameron," It's not a power play. [House stops writing.] Doing a differential in the clinic makes sense - piss Cuddy off. Same thing with Wilson's office - works indirectly. But now we're in office space because you don't want to be in your own office which means this has nothing to do with Cuddy, you really are obsessed with your carpets. Which means--"
Cuddy, What are you doing here? I have this room booked from 2 to 3.
House," [Turns around and feigns surprise.] Oh, 2 East coast time? [Cameron looks resigned.] I thought you meant Pacific, which is stupid of me I guess. [The Ducklings start to get up.] What about parasites?"
Foreman, Stool sample's negative.
Cuddy, It's 2 o' clock.
House," Oh well, we should go then. [Ducklings are about to get up again.] That just leaves cancer. Get a lung biopsy."
Foreman, It took a half an hour to get a mask on the kid for the lung scan!
House," Well I'm sorry, was there somewhere you needed to be?"
Cuddy," House, can we talk?"
House, Carpet?
Cuddy, NEver.
House, Nothing to talk about.
Cuddy, Your girlfriend called the clinic 15 times looking for you today.
House," Huh. A lot to discuss, Parkna patterns--"
Cuddy," House, she's a stalker."
House," Right, couldn't be that she finds me interesting and attractive. Has to be that she's insane."
Cuddy, She's called you 15 times; your mother's not that interested in you.
House, Well maybe I'd be better adjusted if she was.
Cuddy, I'm notifying security.
House, Is this about the carpet? Do you think I'll back off if you block all my fun?
Cuddy, You better not be having fun!
House, I'm having fun. I'm not having sex.
Cuddy, She's dangerous!
House, She's not dangerous.
Cuddy, She's pretty.
House, She's pretty.
Cuddy, Men are stupid.
House, I'm with you so far.
Cuddy, I'm notifying security.
House," Oh, give her a break, she's not dangerous, she's... insightful. [Cuddy walks away and back into the meeting room. House presses himself up against the glass of the door and shouts into the room at all the business men and Cuddy.] You can't stop our love! [The business men are startled; Cuddy gives an embarrassed smile in response. House looks smug.]"
Foreman," Hey, you got a minute?"
Wilson, Yeah.
Foreman, We have a 10-yr-old with pleural effusion and conduction abnormality but no heart failure.
Wilson, Was there a protein in the pleural fluid?
Foreman," Yeah, that's why we're thinking cancer, Non-Hodgkin's pRobably so we want to do a lung biopsy."
Wilson, Lung biopsies usually come back negative so biopsy a lymph node under the arm.
Foreman," That's pRobably something an Oncologist should do, right?"
Wilson," There's nothing real tricky to it, just a biopsy."
Foreman," Still, just to be safe, you mind? [Wilson shakes his head.]"
House," For the love of god, can't somebody shut that kid up? Got people trying to work around here. [To Wilson.] Why don't you show him a teddy bear or something?"
Dominic, Who are you?
House, Somebody you'll nEver send a gift to.
Wilson," This is doctor House, your son's doctor."
House," [He picks up the gas mask.] High test please. [To Adam.] Hey, hey, hey! [He puts the mask to his own nose and starts loudly breathing from it for Adam to see.]"
Wilson, Out of vicodin?
Sarah, What are you doing?
House, Eating the red berries. [He keeps breathing from the mask and then tries to put the mask on Adam's nose and mouth. Adam isn't fighting as hard against it but is still protesting. House looks very high and keeps blinking a lot. He breaths from the mask again and then tries it on Adam. This time Adam accepts and is knocked out in a couple of seconds.]
Sarah, He trusted you.
House," No, that wasn't trust. That was self-preservation."
Dominic," No, that was huge. It was like a conversation."
House," [Tries to get up and unsteadily hangs on to the overhanging lights.] Monkey's afraid to eat the red berries until he sees another monkey eat them. Monkey see, monkey do, that's all it was. Your kid's still just as messed up as when we admitted him."
Wilson, That was sensitive.
House, You have pretty hair.
Wilson, Hope is all those parents have going for them.
House," No, hope is what's making them miserable. What they should do is get a cocker spaniel. A dog would look them in the eye, wag his tail when he's happy, lick their face, show them love."
Cameron, Is it so wrong for them to want to have a normal Parkld? It's normal to want to be normal.
House," Spoken like a true circle queen. See skinny socially privileged white people get to draw this neat little circle, and Everyone inside the circle is normal, anyone outside the circle should be beaten, broken and reset so they can be brought into the circle. Failing that, they should be institutionalized or worse, pitied."
Cameron, So it's wrong to feel sorry for this little boy?
House," Why would you feel sorry for someone who gets to opt out of the inane courteous formalities which are utterly meaningless, insincere and therefore degrading? This kid doesn't have to pretend to be interested in your back pain or your excretions or your grandma's itchy place. Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties? I don't pity this kid, I envy him."
Wilson," Err, no cancer... because these aren't lymph cells."
Cameron, Then what are they?
Wilson, Liver cells.
House, Wow. Liver cells under his arm. I wonder what he's got where his liver's supposed to be.
House, Anyone got a clue how liver cells got into the kid's armpit?
House," Make yourself at home. So, think maybe Gray's Anatomy got it all wrong?"
Foreman," Lymph system circulates fluid, not organ cells."
Cameron, Cancer cells break into the lymphatic system all the time.
Chase, But we're not talking about cancer cells.
House," So what's the difference between cancer cells and liver cells, why can one pass through walls but the other can't?"
Cameron," Cancer cells are damaged lets them go into blood vessels, go wherEver they want."
House, So if the liver cells are damaged...
Foreman, Liver isn't damaged. The tests were normal.
House," So if the liver cells are damaged -- it's theoretically possible to pass into the lymphatic system. Liver failure could also explain pleural effusion, Even the heart issues."
Cameron," Liver cells are fine, he was immunized for Hep A and B and do you really think this kid is having unprotected sex or sharing needles?"
House," Hmm, daddy does seem the type to use a rubber. So it's not viral. [He gets up and starts pacing.] Just leaves a lot of boozerosis."
Cameron, Our 10-yr-old boy does not having a drinking pRoblem or cirrhosis.
Foreman," House, when we echoed his heart we got a piece of his liver, there was no scarring."
House," Cirrhosis explains the symptoms; heart pRoblems, lungs."
Cameron," Look up cirrhosis in the dictionary, it means scarring."
Chase, Parents aren't doing or dosing this kid.
House, How would you know that? Kid can't talk. Why'd you think I took this case? He's not going to give away the ending.
Chase, They quit their jobs for him.
House," Yes, they are Everything you'd want in a parent. Unfortunately their kid is nothing you'd want. When a baby is born, it's perfect; little fingers, little toes, plump, perfect, pink, and brimming with unbridled potential. Then it's downhill, some hills steeper than others. Parents get off on their kid's accomplishments. [House picks up one of Wilson's toys which then says ""Bend over and relax"".] Cute! They'll annoy you with trophy rooms and report cards. Hell they'll Even show you a purple cow and tell you what a keen eye for color their kid has. [Wilson bursts into the office, looks annoyed and walks back out again.] But this kid, he doesn't smile, he doesn't hug them, he doesn't laugh. His parents get nothing, the right to brag that their kid picked orange juice out of a line-up."
Foreman, So you figure they slipped the kid a mickey so they don't have to deal.
House," Do a biopsy to confirm cirrhosis and don't try and pawn it off on Wilson, he's going to be busy with Cuddy."
House, My parents love me unconditionally. Get out of here.
Wilson, Don't you think the restraining order's a little much? He's not actually going to have sex with a 17-yr-old Patient.
Cuddy, I didn't think he was going to ask me to dig a blood-stained carpet out of a dumpster either.
Wilson, It might be easier in the long run.
Cuddy, Are we stopping here so House doesn't find us?
Wilson, Unless you wanna make out?
Cuddy, You want me to surrender to House's coup?
Wilson," No, no, you proactively give him what he wants."
Cuddy, I defeat him by surrendering to him.
Wilson," He'll nEver see it coming. Look, I'll pay for it myself! What is it? A thousand bucks to carpet a room?"
Cuddy, Actually it's 400.
Wilson, Ohhh!
Cuddy, Not doing it. [She continues walking down leaving a disappointed Wilson.]
House, Liver biopsy?
Foreman, They're doing it now.
House, How's it going?
Foreman," Like a biopsy; needles, cells, screaming."
House, What'd you find in the stool sample?
Foreman," You were too busy bothering Cuddy, as discussed it was negative for parasites. Can we get out of here?"
House, I didn't ask what you didn't find; I asked what you did find in the stool sample.
Foreman," Stool. And traces of iron, zinc, calcium carbonate, can we leave?"
House, What's the matter? You afraid of the Man?
House," Uh oh, too late."
Cuddy, Leave my stuff alone!
House, You're meeting with a Guggenheim in 15 minutes wearing that?
Cuddy," I'm going to count to 3 and then, I'm going to fire you. One."
House," Calcium carbonate, that's uhh... antidiarrheal, right?"
Cuddy, Two.
House," Think that's significant? Think hard poops are significant? [Turns back to Cuddy.] Two and a half? NEver threaten unless you're ready to deliver, makes you look weak. Thank god you don't have Parkldren."
Cuddy, Doctor Cuddy.
House, Take a message.
Cuddy, Your Patient is being rushed to cardiac ICU.
House," Wow, that's like the one thing that would get me out of here."
Cameron, [To the parents.] I'm sorry you can't come in here.
Dominic, What's going on?
Chase, He's in v-fib!
Nurse, [Brings the defibrillator.] Here you go. Charge.
Chase," Clear! Charging, clear! Charging, clear!"
Cameron," He's stable for the moment, first degree atrioventricular block."
House," Okay, what else do we know?"
Foreman," His liver's damaged, pleural effusion compromises lung function."
Chase, Biopsy was negative for cirrhosis. Parents didn't poison their son.
House," It's not his liver, his heart or his lungs. The calcium carbonate in his stool."
Chase," He's constipated, parents pRobably just overdid it."
House, Or they didn't do it at all. Calcium carbonate's also what's in chalk.
Foreman," So he ate some chalk, it isn't toxic, sure didn't cause the pleural effusion."
House, Forget the chalk.
Cameron, You just said it was about the chalk.
House," Yes, and then I said forget the chalk, you must be very confused. This kid's got pica. Take him to a buffet he's going to eat the table."
Chase, Old lead paint?
Cameron, LEvel of lead in the blood was normal. His tox screen was clean.
House," We're not looking for typical poisons we're looking for anything that he can put in his mouth; matches, spiders, bricks."
Chase, Pressure-treated wood used to contain arsenic.
House," Even better. [To Foreman.] Hansel, get samples of the gingerbread House; bag Everything."
Ali, Hey.
House, You can get into a lot of trouble being here.
Ali, I wanted to see you.
House," Yeah, I got that. So did Everyone else, they think you're a stalker."
Ali, One could argue those people might be jealous of your attention.
House, Yes I actually made that argument.
Ali, You going home?
House, That's the plan.
Ali, In Iceland the age of consent is 14.
House, I'm surprised that tourism isn't a bigger industry up there.
Ali, So today I'm jailbait but in 22 weeks anybody can do anything to me. Will I be so different in 22 weeks?
House, 22 weeks is enough for an embryo to grow arms and legs.
Ali, It's just a line; an arbitrary line drawn by a bunch of sad old men in Robes.
House," Yeah, who cares what Judges think."
Ali, Didn't think of you as a guy who followed rules just because they were rules.
House, You are over 10 years younger than me. [Ali makes a face.] I said over.
House, Gotta go!
Cuddy, House.
House," Doctor Cuddy, do you happen to know the way to the Icelandic consulate? This young Woman, a stranger to me, was just asking directions."
Cuddy, Security was going to call the police; I don't want to do that to you. Go home.
House, She needed a ride.
Cuddy," She got here on her own she can get home on her own. Now! [Ali grudgingly gets off House's bike.] And if I see you on hospital grounds again, I will call the police."
House," After that look I'm feeling a little frisky, looks like you're up."
Cuddy," I'm ovulating, let's go."
House, The frisky it went away.
Cuddy," House, this isn't a game."
House, If I leave her alone can I have my carpet back?
Cuddy, No.
House, If I forget about my carpet can I have her?
Foreman," Jimson weed. Found a small patch of it in his backyard. Jimson weed contains atropine. Poor Man's acid. Our kid's been tripping on Lucy in the Sky with Cubic Zirconium; explains the pleural effusion, the heart arrhythmias."
Cameron, Meeting here will do nothing to upset Cuddy.
House, I'm not trying to upset Cuddy; I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with the Patient. Continue.
Foreman, Done.
Chase, Jimson weed doesn't explain the screaming.
House, You've obviously nEver had a bad trip.
Cameron, I would have thought you'd try to accomplish two goals at once.
House, Why can't you be more like the other age inappropriate girls who have a thing for me? Just accept me for me. Continue.
Chase," Treatment for Jimson weed OD is physostigmine. Kid's got heart issues, the two don't mix. We better make sure that's what he's got."
Foreman, Serum from the lab in Patterson is 3 days minimum.
Chase, He won't survive 3 days.
House, What time does he wake up?
Cameron, 7.35am.
House, Then what? Walk me through it.
Cameron," 7.40 - 7.50 he goes to the toilet, washes his face, what does this matter?"
House, I'm trying to prove he ate the plant.
Foreman, His schedule has nothing to do with Jimson weed.
House," There are two possibilities, either the parents saw him eat the plant or the kid has unsupervised time and eats plants instead of playing blocks."
Chase, Even if you find 15 minutes of free time outside doesn't mean he spent it eating a bush.
House, So what do we do? Nothing? Wait for the kid to tell us? What?
Cameron, Where are you going?
House, To talk to him.
House, Ever see your son eat a bush?
Sarah, I haven't.
Dominic, I've only Ever seen him eat leftover--
House," Adam! [The boy opens his eyes a little droopily.] Did you eat something at your House, something that made you sick? I need you to show me what you ate. [Adam makes protesting noises.]"
Dominic, He can't answer you.
House," Neither can you. [House takes one of the learning boards that Adam has and starts sticking pictures on it as he talks to illustrate his point.] This is your backyard; you may know it as Mel's Diner. Here's your sandbox, your jungle gym, under it is this. [He picks up a photo of the Jimson weed and puts it on the board.] I need to know if you ate this, Adam. [Adam isn't really looking and is still making protesting noises.]"
Dominic, He doesn't know what you want.
House," Adam, you have to tell me because if you don't, [He picks up the PSP and shows the game over screen on it.] it'll be game over, you'll be dead."
Dominic, What the hell are you doing?
House, Show me what you ate. Adam! Show me what you ate.
Dominic, Adam?
Sarah, Honey? Adam!
House," [At the podium in the front of the room, talking in a spot-on Southern accent.] Come on in, brothers and sister. Welcome to the House of the Lord!"
Cameron," House, come on, the chapel?"
House, [One of the strangers leaves. House points to the whiteboard next to him on the podium.] We have been blessed with the miracle of a new symptom. Brother can you testify as to why this poor Parkld's eyeball rolled back into his head? [Uses his cane to point at Chase.]
Chase," It's consistent with Jimson weed poisoning, ocular paralysis. [The other stranger gets up to leave.] Sorry."
House," The wicked shall deceive ye because they have turned from the Lord and are idiots, his ocular muscle didn't paralyze, it pirouetted."
Cameron, MS.
House, It is easier for a wise Man to gain access to heaven!
Cameron, Can you stop doing that? Just say not MS.
Chase," Stroke, bleed in the brain."
House," [Back to his normal American accent.] We'd be seeing other symptoms besides a single eye misalignment, like a coma, and you've already testified."
Foreman, It's a tumor.
Cameron, And all the imaging just missed it?
Foreman," It's a micro tumor. Started in his lung which caused the pleural effusion, then it metastasized to his liver which made it slough cells. And then went to his brain behind the eye which caused it to roll back into his head."
House, So he has 3 tumors and we missed all of them. What's the opposite of a miracle?
Foreman," I've a better chance of finding it now that I know exactly where to look. So, unless you have a better idea, I'm going to go CT his head and then if I have to, remove his eye."
House, You remove this kid's eye he's only going to be half as good at not making eye contact.
Cuddy, Hello? Hello? Hello? [House finally looks up.] I have sad news for you. She doesn't love you.
House, You're ugly when you're jealous.
Cuddy," She showed up at my House last night, came on to me."
House, She's Even more perfect than I thought.
Cuddy, House! She's sick.
House," You say sick, I say freestyling."
Cuddy, The girl will have sex with an invertebrate.
House," Come on, you're not that bad."
Cuddy, She has a pRoblem. You're not doing her any favors by indulging her!
House, Why would you lie like this? Do you not have room in your heart for love?
Cuddy, You don't beliEve me.
House," I didn't beliEve the kids when they said that Suzie was sleeping with Johnny. Didn't beliEve them then I don't beliEve them now, I don't care that Suzie married Johnny, he's mine."
Cuddy, She has a mole on her right breast just below the nipple.
House, [Softly.] No she doesn't.
Cuddy, You've seen her breasts?!
House," It was a medical exam. I was listening to her heart; it went ""Greg House, Greg House, Greg House""."
Cuddy," Fine, I'm lying. But she did come back, she's locked up in my office, I was hoping you could talk to her, put an end to this."
House, Listen to me; do you have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed with me? Nine chances out of ten we'd both wind up in a jail.
Ali, You're only saying that to make me go.
House," I'm saying it 'coz it's true. Inside of us, we both know that you belong with Victor. [She looks confused.] Is there a Victor in your class? [She shakes her head.] Well if you're not with someone your age, you'll regret it; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life."
Ali, [Starting to cry.] What about us?
House," We'll always have Fresno. I'm no good at being noble but it doesn't take much to see that the pRoblems of two little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. [He raises her Parkn.] Now, now, here's looking at you-- [He notices that her tears are milky.] Damn. Was there an earthquake when you were in Fresno?"
Ali, What?
House, I ask all my girlfriends that.
Ali, Umm... yeah a little one.
House, Damn.
Ali, What? What is it?
House," It's not love, you have spore in your brain; Coccidioides immitis. California's full of them, they get an earthquake they get released into the air, you breathe it in you get a cold, turns into sinus congestion, aches, weakness, milky tears and sometimes loss of inhibition and judgment. Damn! [He takes up a prescription pad.]"
Ali," So loving you, wanting to have sex with you is all just the spores talking?"
House, [Hands her a prescription.] You'll pRobably live. Damn!
House, Hey! Don't touch his eye!
Surgeon, This is an appendectomy.
House," Like I said, don't touch his eye."
House, Why isn't he in surgery?
Foreman, Some emergency bumped him; we've got another room in 10 minutes.
House," Better not take him in, kill the lights. [He sits on Adam's bed.] He's seeing them all the time."
Foreman, What are you looking for?
House," [Using a light to peer into Adam's pupil.] He's telling us what he's seeing, telling us exactly what was wrong with him, drawing them for us over and over again. Nobody knew how to speak autistic. When I asked him what he ate he Even told me that. [He holds up the picture of the sandbox.]"
Dominic, What are you talking about? What was he seeing?
House," [Peers into the pupil again and now we can see the squiggly lines Adam was drawing... they're worms.] Hello my pretties. It's not a tumor, Foreman, it's worms swimming in his eye. Animal makes potty in the sandbox, boy plays in the sandbox, boy eats the sand, you can pRobably tell where this is going by now."
Foreman, Stool samples were negative for parasites.
House, Raccoon roundworms are not excreted by their huMan host.
Foreman, Cameron tested the sand.
House," All of it? Worms spread from his gut to the rest of his body. Attacked his lungs, that's what made him scream and caused the effusion. [CGI of all this as House explains.] Invade his liver sending dead liver cells coursing through his system, it attacked his eye and the muscles surrounding it making his eyeball do a back flip. Laser photo coagulation can fix the eye and high dose of benzimidazole should kill the worms."
Dominic," Wait a minute, that's it? He's going to be ok?"
House," Good news, he's going to be with you for a long, long time."
Wilson," I'm going to read you something. ""Asperger's syndrome is a mild and rare form of autism. It is typically characterized by difficulty establishing friendships and playing with peers, trouble accepting conventional social rules, and they dislike any change in setting or routine""... or broadloom. Doesn't say that last part but you get my point."
Cuddy," House doesn't have Asperger's, diagnosis is much simpler; he's a jerk."
Wilson," Why do you think he took this case? Because he beliEves these parents? Because he wants to help a young boy? He sees himself in this kid and he's trying to help himself. He doesn't want this, he needs it."
Wilson," You're not autistic; you don't Even have Asperger's. You wish you did, it would exempt you from the rules, give you freedom, absolve you of responsibility, let you date 17-yr-olds. But most important it would mean that you're not just a jerk."
House," At what point does a person endlessly lecturing someone make him a jerk? [Silence for a while as they watch the family.] First tongue kiss, an 8 on the happiness scale. (Possibly harking back to the scale Wilson was talking about in 3.01 Meaning.) Your Parkld being snatched back from the brink of death, that's a 10. They're clocking in at a very tepid 6.5 because they know what they have to go back to."
Dominic, Listen... thanks.
Sarah, You saved his life.
House," Yeah I know, see ya."
Dominic, You're so good! [Dominic kisses his son on the head and both parents smile thankfully at House as they walk on.]
Wilson, That was a 10.
Cameron, All change is bad? It's not true you know.
Waitress, Here you go.
Jeremy, Hey! Hey!
Jeremy, I'm not going to let them do this!
Waiter, Woah! [he holds Jeremy back]
Tracy," No Jeremy, please, just do what they say, please."
Jeremy," Okay, okay."
Jeremy," Son of a bitch, you thought I was going to let you hurt my wife?!"
Waiter, Hey mister! Your wife.
Jeremy, What did he do to her?
Waiter, Nothing.
Jeremy, Tracy!
Cameron, 20-yr-old married African-American female couldn't breathe. Anaphylaxis-like throat-swelling.
House, Parkldren?
Cameron, You think pregnancy would explain the--
House, It explains the marriage. Who the hell gets married at 20?
Foreman, I'm guessing people in love?
House, Show me a 20-yr-old who's not in love. You get married at 20 you're going to be shocked at who you're living with at 30. [He looks out the glass wall to find Wilson chatting up a pretty nurse - they seem to be enjoying their conversation and the nurse is laughing at some joke Wilson has made]
Cameron," Not allergies, negative on the skin test - 4 days of antihistamines and steroids."
House, Who's he talking to?
Cameron, What?
House," It's got an ass, technically that makes it a who."
Cameron, Uhh... new nurse in Peds. Wendy something. Swelling just started to go down.
House, You seen her here before?
Cameron," Couple times. I tried following her home, but she gave me the slip."
Cameron, Swelling's--
House," You think that's funny, ask him about the time he sabotaged my cane."
Wendy, [laughs] You serious?
Wilson," There was a point to it. Wendy, this is House."
House, Something about not getting too uppity with normal folks who walk good.
Wendy, You're Everything I'd heard. Nice to meet you. [she walks off]
Wilson, [grimaces at House] Why so rude?
House," You sprinted through 3 bad marriages, into an affair with a dying Patient - now a naughty nurse? How Many more failed relationships are we both going to have to deal with before you learn to love yourself? And I mean that in a literal way."
Wilson, It's amazing how you can not only know it's a relationship but that it's a bad relationship based on nothing but... nothing.
House, I know you.
Wilson," I'm not with her, not Even trying."
House," You're lying to me, that's interesting."
Wilson," [walking towards his office] Well, as long as it's interesting."
Cameron, Swelling is--
House, Why is she hanging out here?
Cameron, Anyone interesting in what happened with the swelling?
House," She's in Peds, it's the next wing over."
Cameron," If you're wondering if Wilson's dating her, ask Wilson."
Foreman," Clearly he did and Wilson denied it, and House doesn't beliEve him. It's gotta hurt, that's why it pays to have more than one friend, House."
House, If he's not hitting that then why's she here?
Cameron," Because I'm hitting that and it's totally hot. [House, Chase and Foreman look at her shocked for a moment] Swelling took 4 days to resolve, Patient has unexplained intensive abdominal pains."
House, So explain them. Wake me when they've done an exploratory laparotomy. Anybody know her? Know her story?
Cameron," Up an' at 'em. [she spreads the case file on the table in front of House] They did a laparotomy. Liver, bowel, gall bladder, appendix all clean."
House, Belly pain plus throat swelling.
Chase, She was in some sort of assault right? Simple neck trauma.
Cameron, He says they didn't touch her neck and if they did it would have been resolved by now.
Foreman," Didn't need to touch her, some guy coughed on her right?"
Cameron, He's in jail and he's completely healthy except for the broken head he got from the beating he took.
Chase, There's pot. On the tox screen. [House opens the file again] Salmonella from the pot would explain the stomach pains.
Foreman," At a stretch, she'd have a fEver."
Chase, She's on steroids from the swelling therefore no fEver. And the smoking explains the throat.
Foreman," Sorry, take it back, that's a stretch."
House, Got a better idea? [Silence] Then stretch away. Start her on floroquinolone for the salmonella.
Tritter, I was waiting 2 hours out there. [He puts a piece of gum in his mouth and House closes the door]
House, Fascinating. Have you considered a career as a memoirist? [He sits down on the stool] Let's see it.
Tritter, You don't introduce yourself? [He starts unzipping his pants]
House," Sorry, I thought you were waiting 2 hours, didn't know you wanted to chat. Hi, I'm Greg. How 'bout that local sports team? [He checks out Tritter's crotch as Tritter pulls his pants down] It's not an infection."
Tritter, How can you tell--
House, You want me to touch you? It's your private place. You're chewing nicotine gum which causes dehydration which causes wear and tear. Try a lubricant or foreplay if you're cheap.
Tritter," Just take a swab and get it tested, ok?"
House," Sorry, already met this month's quota of useless tests for stubborn idiots. [He pops a vicodin]"
Tritter, You're rude.
House," Wow, you're like a... detective or something."
Tritter," And you're smart, and you're funny but you are bitter. [He starts pulling up his pants] And you're lonely, so you treat Everyone around like they're idiots and you get away with it because of your cane."
House," Please stop, it's hard to write through the haze of bitter tears."
Tritter," But you're not actually getting away with it. Last nurse you made fun of, she pRobably slipped some crap into your coffee."
House," Nyeah, I asked for decrappinated coffee. [He takes his cane and is about to walk out when Tritter deliberately kicks at his cane. House loses balance and falls against the door. He looks back in surprise]"
Tritter," Treat people like jerks, you get treated like a jerk."
Tritter, Thank you.
House, Bend over. [Tritter smiles like it's a joke]
Tritter, You're kidding me.
House," If you have an infection, you'd have a fEver. You're chewing nicotine gum which messes with the weather in your mouth so I need to [he shows the thermometer] vacation elsewhere."
House," And wait 'til I put the thermometer in. [Tritter tries to look back to see what House is doing] Uh uh, you break it, you bought it."
House, Leaving early today. [He returns Tritter's file] Did you Ever get that thing where you're sure you've forgotten something but you can't figure out what? [Nurse shakes her head] Guess it can't be that important. [He throws away the swabbing test he did on Tritter and walks off]
Foreman," Salmonella's a bacterial infection that you can get from pot plants, causes stomach pain."
Tracy, And my throat?
Foreman, The thinking is it's an inflammatory reaction to the smoking.
Jeremy, How much would you need to smoke for your throat to go nuts like that?
Foreman, Most cases a lot.
Jeremy, We don't smoke a lot.
Foreman, Let's just start the treatment.
Jeremy, You think we're liars as well as druggies?
Foreman, Actually I'm wondering if you'd mind getting her a cup of ice Parkps.
Jeremy, You're not going to get any different answer from her.
Tracy," No, no, he can stay. No offence but this place is scary, I feel better when he's around."
Foreman," Tracy, I need to talk to you."
Tracy, We don't do a lot of drugs.
Foreman, I need to know your answers aren't being pressured. [Jeremy looks annoyed]
Tracy," Look, if you think the antibiotics are a good idea, you can give them to me."
Foreman," Okay. [Hangs up the drip] Worse case scenario, it'll help us rule out a few things."
Tracy," He's a good guy, he just has a hard time holding in his emotions."
Jeremy, You don't have to apologise for me.
Tracy, That mean you're going to do it for yourself?
Jeremy, I got nothing to apologise for.
Tracy, [sighs] He's young. [she starts scratParkng at her arm] Itchy.
Foreman, Allergic reaction to the floroquinolone.
Chase, We should switch her to a different antibiotic.
House, Why?
Chase, We can't treat the salmonella unless--
House, Salmonella? That was a total stretch.
Foreman," Man, why does that sound so familiar? You think it's 'coz I said it an hour ago?"
House," Then it was a dumb thing to say, now it's smart. She's got the rash so we know she's unusually susceptible to allergic reactions so that's what brought her in. PRobably the peanut butter in her sandwich."
Chase, Stick test was negative for peanuts.
House, That's because you foolishly tested her while she was lying down.
Foreman," Exercise-based anaphylaxis? Think that requires exercise. When her throat closed they'd just got done eating, not Even competitive eating."
House, And getting Robbed. Always gets my heart rate up. Give her the same food she ate at the diner and stick her on the treadmill.
Foreman," Better yet put a gun to her head, threaten to rape her."
House, You don't think I'm going to get a response?
Foreman, No.
House," You're on, 50 bucks."
Foreman, I'm not betting on a Patient's--
House, A hundred bucks? If you say so. [He walks into a room and Chase and Foreman exchange a look before walking off together]
Foreman," Tracy, I'm increasing the speed a little."
Tracy," My stomach really hurts! Jeremy, you out there? Talk to me!"
Jeremy, You're doing great! Isn't this enough?
Foreman, We're not getting any allergic response yet.
Jeremy," Come on, shut it off."
Foreman," We don't complete the test, my boss will just come down here and do it himself; you do not want that."
Jeremy," She's in pain ""� look at her!"
Foreman, I don't want to have to ask you leave.
Jeremy," You're gonna ask me to leave, are you kidding me? This is my wife! You guys aren't helping her, you're just hurting her! What? You guys have all this equipment here, and you're not doing anything! You can't Even figure out what's wrong ""� ah! [He screams and clutches his stomach.] God, it hurts!"
Foreman, Where?
Jeremy, My stomach and my chest. Ah!
Foreman, [picking up the phone] It's Foreman: get me a wheelchair!
Foreman," He's as sick as she is, now."
House, Told you it would work.
Foreman, It worked on the wrong Patient.
House, We can spend all day arguing right and wrong. Give me the hundred bucks.
Foreman, We didn't bet!
House, We could spend all day arguing whether we bet or not. Give me the hundred bucks.
Chase," Come on Foreman, pay up. He won! Or we could just nEver finished the DDX."
Foreman," [pays up as they enter the locker room] Husband's test showed no MI. No aortic dissection. It's not his heart, it's just nonspecific chest and abdominal pain."
House," So, psychosomatic? Panic attack? [House takes Cameron's stethoscope and begins to break into a locker.]"
Cameron, Pain persisted after he got Lorazepam and morphine. Whose locker is that?
House," Mine. Chest, stomach, throat. What does it all mean?"
Cameron, We're in the nurses' locker room!
House," I know that. [The locker opens.] Oh, that is so annoying! Wilson's girlfriend's left her stuff in my locker again."
Chase," Great, I hadn't committed any felonies yet today."
House," Relax, you know they're going to blame!"
Foreman," House, you wanna mess with Wilson, no pRoblem. But you've got no reason to screw around with ""�"
House, Can we get back to the medicine?
Foreman," Okay. Why assume one disease? His chest, her throat."
House," So it's just a coincidence that they both got crippling stomach pains. Wow, they really are a great couple. So much in common. One blue shoe ""� what do you think that means?"
Foreman, It means you're insane! Wilson's not dating her.
House, You feeling luckier?
Foreman, It doesn't matter what I answer?
House, Two hundred it is.
Cameron," If they're married and caught the same disease, then it means they ""�"
House, Aha! Brochure to a jazz festival in the Poconos this weekend.
Chase," Wilson likes jazz. Foreman, pay the Man."
House," Four, five, six novels, no music. What does that mean?"
Foreman, She's literate.
House," It means she spends her time reading, not listening. She'd only want to go and watch jazz if the only person wanted to go. She has a martyr complex. Issues of inferiority."
Cameron," Married couple. Same disease. They either got it from each other, or in the same place."
House," Infectious or environmental. All you have to do is check out parasites, viruses, bacteria, fungi, prions, radiation, toxins, chemicals, or it's internet porn related. I'll check the internet, you guys cover the rest of the stuff."
Chase," If they can live here without killing each other, they must really be in love. It's tiny."
Foreman, Then how come it's taking you so long to search it?
Chase, Box of condoms in his jacket.
Foreman," I know you're poor now, but buy your own."
Chase," She's on the Pill ""� why would they need condoms?"
Foreman," No, no, put that back."
Chase, Why?
Foreman," We show that to House, he'll just call the guy a cheating bastard. Look how he is with Wilson!"
Chase, He'd be right. Could be an STD.
Foreman, One that doesn't give him any symptoms in his sexual organs? He nEver mentioned anything.
Chase, Maybe they're embarrassed. What else could it be? You think they just like the sexy feel of latex against their genitals?
Foreman, Maybe the wife just wants to be extra cautious?
Chase," Come on, you really beliEve that?"
Foreman, Yeah.
Chase, Good. Then I'm sure you'll have no pRoblem convincing House.
House, That cheating bastard!
Foreman, He loves her!
House," Right, I bet he told you that she's the love of his life."
Foreman," People lie, I get it, but they don't go up against two armed gunmen to save someone unless ""�"
House, There's a reason that we don't let kids vote or drink or work in the salt mines. They're idiots! 20-year-olds fall in and out of love more often than they change their oil filters. Which they should do more often.
Foreman, Sorry! Ridiculous of me to draw a conclusion based on actually observing them. I should have just depended on your misanthropic view of huMan nature.
Chase," Gonorrhea explains all their symptoms. Fitz-Hugh Curtis syndrome for her belly pain, Costochondritis and bladder infection for his chest and abdominal pain."
House," Good. Now go rub their lying, cheating privates with a cotton swab."
Jeremy," Why would you want to look at our ""�"
Tracy," Is this because of our condoms? You found them in his jacket, figured he hiding something from me. I thought I was pregnant last month, kinda freaked me out. I'm way too young to have kids."
Foreman, So you just wanted to be extra cautious.
Chase," Wish one of us had figured that out, stuck to his guns. Still, we're gonna check you both."
Jeremy," She's the only girlfriend I've Ever had. She's the love of my ""�"
Foreman, Please don't say it.
Jeremy, I can't say I love my wife?
Foreman, We're still gonna test ya.
Jeremy, Why is it? I'm white?
Foreman," Yeah, that's it."
Tracy," Jeremy, I wish you would stop it. You're really embarrassing."
Jeremy," Everybody thinks they're so liberal, but I see how they look at us, white and black. Especially black. I'm sorry, Trace, but it's true."
Foreman, Great. Prove us all wrong.
Foreman," No scarring, no purulent discharge, and the NATs were negative. They don't have an STD."
House," What's that, you say? You have a pRoblem with interracial couples?"
Foreman," Thank you, Chase."
House, No! Haven't any of your shorties Ever been whities?
Foreman," Not sure I understand your ghetto slang, Dr. House. How Many black women have you dated, by the way?"
House, I don't care about color. As long as they can help me breed a superior race.
Foreman," Yeah, my exes have usually been black, so what? It's not a racial thing, it's cultural. I have more in common with them, like I assume you only date emotionally stunted bigots."
House," Sorry, you're right. That kind of prejudice is totally fine."
Foreman, The abdominal pain's getting worse. We've had to up their morphine twice.
House," Take the wife off the steroids. If she spikes a fEver, we'll know it's an infection. If she doesn't, it's environmental."
House, He got off easy. I almost gave him a colonoscopy.
Cuddy," That was one of the stupidest things you have Ever done, and there is heavy competition for ""� [House is rifling around in something.] What are you doing?"
House," Hmm, only ate half your breakfast. Feeling a little sick this morning?"
Cuddy," I'm not pregnant, they burnt my omelet. You need to apologize to this guy."
House, I'm a Man of principle. I don't care how much time and money it costs you to defend me.
Cuddy, He wants to kill you.
House, No empty coffee cups. Off the caffeine. Good for baby.
Cuddy," Cup's in the other wastebasket, baby's in your mind! You can berate Patients all you want. Shoving objects into their rectums is assault. Pay attention to me."
House," Sorry, that would make it harder to ignore you. Can't ignore that rapidly expanding first trimester ass, though."
Cuddy," Sometimes an ass is just an ass. You are not always right, House. Apologize to the guy."
Tracy, What are you doing here?
s dad, Stay away from my son.
Tracy, How did you find us?
s dad," Stay away from that girl. [He begins to twist Jeremy's arm. Jeremy and Tracy both scream. Across the hall, Foreman and a nurse run in. It is a hallucination, and Jeremy has rushed to Tracy's side.]"
Foreman, What happened?
Jeremy, She's dreaming! She started screaming.
Tracy," They're breaking Jeremy's arm, please!"
Foreman, No one's hurting him.
Jeremy," Baby, it's me, it's Jeremy. Tracy, Tracy! She's okay. Baby, it's just a bad dream, Everything's okay, Tracy. Tracy? [Tracy makes no answer. Foreman gazes into her eyes, which make no reaction.]"
Foreman, It was an acute delirium.
Jeremy," Well, she's talking, right? I mean, she's coming out of it."
Foreman," Well, she's not really talking. She's just making sounds."
Jeremy," Okay, when's she gonna come out?"
Foreman," Jeremy, she's in a coma."
Foreman," So her vitals are pretty stable, but her response to stimuli is getting weaker, which means the coma's getting worse. The brain is slowly shutting down."
Jeremy, Can I see her?
Foreman, We're getting more images to check for masses or infection. [Jeremy groans.] I'll increase your morphine.
Jeremy," Her hallucination. If you knew what it was, would that make any difference? Medically, I mean."
Foreman," Not usually. In some cases, the form of the hallucination can tell us what part of the brain is being hit."
Jeremy, I think it was about my dad.
Foreman, Your dad was breaking your arm?
Jeremy," He was a drunk, pill-popping racist. He caught me sneaking into her House when we were Thirteen. She lived next door. He broke my arm and threatened to hurt her. We ran off when we were sixteen."
Foreman, You still in touch with him?
Jeremy, Killed himself a couple of years ago.
Foreman," Hmm. It's not medical, I just thought blacks were the racist ones."
Chase," Some generalized edema throughout and areas of increased signal here, here, here, and here."
Cameron, Damn. All over her brain stem.
Chase," It could be plaques, hyperdensities from the edema!"
Foreman, Or tumors or anything.
House," You add brain involvement to the chest, stomach, throat, what've you got?"
Foreman," Didn't spike a fEver when we took her off the steroids, so it's not an infection."
House, Leaving environmental. What flavor?
Cameron," Environmental doesn't make sense, either. If it were toxin, we'd see it in their livers. None of their neighbors are sick, no coworkers ""�"
House," They both got it, meaning it's infection or environmental, and since it's not an infection!"
Foreman, What if they didn't both get it? Maybe we got our basic assumption wrong and it's two different diseases?
House, Maybe we didn't and it's sarcoidosis.
Foreman, Sarcoidosis isn't infectious or environmental.
House, Tell that to the clusters of sarcoidosis cases.
Chase, Firefighters and residents of pine tar forests?
Foreman, I did see these two putting out that blaze in the Pine Barrens.
House," If sarcoidosis has two environmental causes, it has environmental causes. We just don't know all of them yet. Husband's chest. He has slightly enlarged hylar lymph nodes. Sarcoidosis explains almost all of their symptoms, including her getting worse off the steroids."
Cameron, It doesn't explain his throat swelling.
House, That's what 'almost' means.
Cameron, 90% of sarcoidosis cases have lung scarring.
House," Oh, 90%?"
Cameron," Oh, almost."
House," Fine, I'll consult a specialist. [He climbs over the balcony wall and into Wilson's office.]"
Wilson, If this is more dating advice!
House," Love to gossip, but I've got work to do. Is this sarcoidosis?"
Wilson," It's pretty nonspecific. Could be granulomas, could be plaques. What's this? Oh, oh, you stole Wendy's personnel file?!"
House," In a way, aren't we all guilty of bribing the janitor of taking the file and giving it to me? Yes, I take my share of the blame, but society's also ""�"
Wilson," First of all, I am not dating her."
House," She is so wrong for you. You know, she filed a form so the hospital would take extra withholding. Who does that?"
Wilson," She's much too cautious for me. Point taken, I'll start dating her so I can break up with her and start dating a stripper. You're a miserable jerk who can't stand to be alone."
House, I didn't try to break up your marriages; you did that yourself.
Wilson, My marriages were so crappy I was spending all my time with you. Your real fear is me having a good relationship.
House," Yes, that keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness monster, global warming, evolution, and other fictional concepts. Although a big, roMantic weekend in the Poconos could change Everything. [Wilson is very confused. They make eyes at each other, and points to House and himself a few times in apparent disbelief.]"
Wilson, You don't! no. I don't think it's sarcoidosis. [House walks back.]
House, He says it's sarcoidosis. Start them both on methotrexate.
Foreman, And if you're wrong?
House, If Wilson's wrong. We'll biopsy her just to be sure.
Chase," The brain stem? Brain damage is not only possible, it's likely!"
House," Good point. Let's biopsy something safer, like her shoes."
Cameron," The husband, he'd have to give consent. He can't right now."
House, Why? This guy write with his stomach?
Cameron," He has a conflict of interest. It's not his brain we're cutting open, but he's getting all the benefit. He'd do it just to save himself."
House," Or to save her. She's the love of his life, remember?"
Foreman, He nEver said that.
Cameron, She needs a guardian ad litem. I can't let you do this.
House, How're you going to stop me? Call Cuddy?
Cuddy," Cameron's right, there's a conflict."
House," No, there isn't! Not unless one of them wants to die a horrible, painful death."
Cuddy, I'm sure the guardian will figure that out.
House, In a couple days! Will the guardian convince the disease to hold off eating her brain until we can get the legalities worked out?
Cuddy," I just don't want some plaintiff's Lawyer owning my hospital. Legalities help. Speaking of which, did you get your thermometer back yet?"
House," Uh, we had a nice chat. Did you know he's a Rotarian? Listen, she'll die without the biopsy."
Cuddy," I need to cover the hospital's ass. You're too biased. I send you in there, you'll steamroll over him. Something goes wrong, he'll sue us for not disclosing the risks."
House," Then have Wilson talk to the husband. Wilson kills people left and right, no one Ever sues him."
Cuddy," Fine, but only if you apologize to the clinic guy."
House," Nah, pRobably better to just let that couple die."
Cuddy, I don't care if you mean it. Just do it.
Wilson," Unfortunately, we don't see any way around a biopsy. We'll do all we can to minimize any damage."
Jeremy, No.
Wilson," The methotrexate isn't showing any effects, yet. You could both be ""�"
Jeremy, She's brilliant. All A's in college while working full-time. I can't do that to her.
Wilson," And if you both die, you think she'd want that?"
Jeremy, Do it on me instead.
Wilson, It's not in your brain.
Jeremy," It will be. It's the same disease, right? Do it then."
Wilson, She could die before you show the symptoms.
Jeremy, Then stop treating me.
House, Great job. Why don't you just shoot him in the head?
Wilson," Hold on, that gives me an idea. You know what could save this couple, lots of misdirected sarcasm."
House, They're dead. Yelling at you might prEvent you from screwing up like this --
Wilson, I didn't screw up. I did my job!
House, Your job was to get me the biopsy.
Wilson," No, it was to present the Patient with his options."
House," Two options: biopsy or no biopsy. He chose the third, no treatment. How do you Even do that?"
Wilson, Remember when you used to just weave elaborate conspiracy theories about my love life? Those were such good times.
House, How much morphine is the husband on?
Chase," We can't increase it any more, his respirations are depressed."
House," Decrease it! Drugs cloud people's Judgement. Cold turkey, you sucker."
Foreman," Uh, no."
House, Good point.
House, Did I ask you guys to follow me?
Cameron," No, which made us nervous."
House, They'll catch on if they notice that he's off the morphine drip. Shoot him up with one of these puppies instead.
Cameron, No!
House, You do understand it's not really a puppy.
Cameron, It's naloxone.
Foreman," An opiate blocker? It'll feel like he's swallowing a bonfire. That's pretty unethical, Even for you."
House, How is that unethical? It'll lead to a diagnosis!
Cameron, It's leading to the torture of the husband on the off chance he'll allow a procedure on another person!
House," Which will lead to a diagnosis, didn't I just say that?"
Chase," Give it up. Foreman and Cameron are too ethical, and I'm too scared of getting sued."
House," Fine. Now I'm just going to find someplace safe to hide this, where I won't be tempted to use it."
Foreman," You're not doing it, either. What, you're gonna run for it?"
House," If they die now, they'll nEver be able to grow old and tired of each other. [He hands the meds to Foreman and leaves.]"
Chase, We can't babysit House all day.
Cameron, I'll tell Cuddy to put a nurse by his room. [Foreman looks at the meds House gave to him.]
Foreman," Damn it! [He runs off, throwing the tube to Chase.]"
Chase," Atropine? What happened to ""�"
Cameron, He knew we'd stop him. He stuck both of them in his pocket.
Chase, That's actually pretty clEver.
House," Guess I can't use that trick again, huh? [Foreman tries to open the cart, but it's all locked up.]"
Jeremy," Oh! Ow, my stomach, ow!"
House," It's a pretty smart plan, Jerry, but I'm on to you. There's only one good reason to kill the biopsy. You poisoned your wife, and don't want the coppers to get wise."
Jeremy, No!
House, Oh. Then you're just a moron!
Jeremy, Biopsy me!
House," Only if this thing hits your brain, you moron! I can't stress that moron thing enough. You're killing your wife!"
Jeremy, She is the love of my life!
House," Careful. Once you say that and you're on wife #2, you're gonna feel real guilty about saying that. Feel that? Get used to it, the pain's gonna get a lot worse."
Foreman," No, it won't. The morphine just isn't working right now for some reason. I'm putting you on a tranquilizer in the mean time. It'll work again soon."
House, Wanna bet?
Jeremy," I don't care about the pain. I need to be in pain, so I can get worse. That means you can do the biopsy on me!"
House," Dude, she's in a coma. Who're you trying to impress?"
Jeremy, I'd die for her.
Foreman, Give up. Or we can wait for him to grow up and get all cynical.
Cuddy, I was just going to call you.
House, I need a court order to biopsy this Woman's brain.
Cuddy," Speaking of litigation! [They enter Cuddy's office. Tritter is sitting inside.] Tritter, you know Dr. House. You guys can talk here. [She leaves.]"
Tritter, I don't want to sue you.
House, Good.
Tritter, I want to beat the crap out of you.
House, Less good.
Tritter," I'll tell you why. You're a bully. And bullies, they don't back down until they run into someone stronger and meaner."
House, But you'll accept an apology.
Tritter, Yes.
House, Not really a recipe for sincerity.
Tritter, I'm not looking for sincerity. I'm looking for humiliation. Something that will make you think twice before you treat the next Patient like crap.
House," Here's what's gonna happen: you go brag to your friends about how you made the big, nasty doctor go poop in his pants, I get Cuddy off my back by telling her I humiliated myself, here's the catch ""� we're both gonna be lying. I'm not apologizing. If anything, you deserved a bigger thermometer. [He leaves Cuddy's office to find Foreman and Chase.] What's wrong?"
Foreman, Jeremy's worse.
House, Then that's what's right. You cut the stubborn jerk's head open and take a slice.
Foreman," It's not his brain. Lactic acid's up to 39, his intestines are rotting."
Chase, This isn't sarcoidosis.
House," He'll get his wish. He's dying, just not in a way that's going to help his wife."
Cameron," Worse. She's losing response to stimuli, he's vomiting blood and his lactic acid's 45."
Chase, He's got ischemic bowel.
House, So what?
Chase," Well, let's see. Lack of blood flow's causing his guts to die, which will cause him to die unless we cut out a few feet of small intestine and reattach the ends. I don't know, seems like a match."
House, Why does he have it? What does it tell us?
Cameron, Small cell vasculitis?
House," Good. Now, let's hear it again, but now with a more environmental or infectious feeling."
Foreman," Or, like I said before, it might not be environmental or infectious. He has vasculitis, she has porphyria. Belly pain plus hallucinations, classic symptoms. Can Even cause a coma."
House, Fine. Start her on hematin for porphyria.
Cameron, What about him?
House," Take out the dead bowel, it's all we can do. And biopsy it. If Foreman's right, it might save him. If Foreman's wrong, it might save both of them."
Foreman, The bowel's not dead.
House," Unless he's been tossing down cans of frosty lactic acid, the bowel is dead. What we're looking for is a reason it's dead."
Foreman, The bowel's not dead. Just general swelling and edema. The high lactate was pRobably from stress. We just sliced him open from chest to pubic bone for nothing.
House, Nothing's something. Forget the isochemia. Add the edema and swelling.
Chase, PRobably from cutting him open.
House," PRobably, not definitely. Okay, back to the beginning. What did we talk about? Anything, I want to hear it all again."
Cameron," Allergies, doesn't fit at all now."
Chase," STDs, maybe we got the wrong one. What about syphilis, neurological symptoms ""�"
Foreman, He wasn't cheating on her.
House," Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love of his life. Don't you have to wait 'till he's dead to make that determination?"
Foreman," She's his only girlfriend Ever. They grew up next door. They ran off together as teenagers. Sarcoidosis. We only ruled it out because we thought he had isochemic ""�"
House, Why did they run off?
Cameron," What difference does it ""�"
House," Kids talk about running off, not Many do it. What was the reason?"
Foreman," They were trying to escape his evil, pill-popping, racist dad. You would have liked him. We should do another biopsy."
House, How'd you know the dad was racist?
Foreman," He beat up his son for dating a black girl. Extrapolated from that ""�"
House, You see racism Everywhere. Maybe he just didn't like this black girl.
Cameron," It's not sarcoid. We would have seen granulomas in ""�"
House," She has pretty eyes. Forget infectious. Forget environmental. Defective DNA is keeping them from making a critical protein, hence the fluid build-up. Hits the throat, stomach, chest, and brain."
Cameron, Angioedema?
House, Hereditary Angioedema. Symptoms fit perfectly.
Chase," It's an incredibly rare disease. They would both have to have a parent ""�"
House," Is it a coincidence that your sister has great hair, or that these two have green eyes?"
Foreman, You're not saying! they're not brother and sister?
House," Ew, God, no! That would be sick. Half-brother and sister. Different moms. Dad must have had an affair with her mom. That's why he flipped out when the kids started dating, he had it himself, pRobably why the pills."
Foreman," You won't know for sure ""�"
House, Test them for HAE or paternity. It's going to take a day. She doesn't have a day. Start treating and see what happens.
Cameron, Any change?
Foreman, Her response to stimuli is still just as weak.
Cameron, I almost hope she stays in a coma.
Chase," That's sweet, Cameron."
Cameron, I'd like to avoid shattering both of their lives.
Chase," You don't think dying will do that? [Tracy moves her finger, and the oximeter falls off her finger.]"
Foreman, It's just her oximeter.
Jeremy," Tracy, Tracy, she's awake. Oh God, baby, it's going to be okay."
House," Awesome, can I tell them?"
Foreman," We've obviously got to let them know what's wrong, but the cause, the brother-sister thing!"
House," Good plan. You've just got to keep them away from doctors, the internet, and anyone who's not a total moron."
Foreman," Yesterday he was willing to die to save her. You've got to give him time to recover ""�"
House, He might be a little vexed that you kept letting him hump his sister in the mean time.
Foreman," Unless their dad was also the product of an incestuous union, the chances of serious complications are minimal."
House," Noble of you to take that risk. Tell them, or I will."
Jeremy, So we just need to take these pills?
Foreman," Twice a day. Angioedema's very treatable, you'll be fine."
Jeremy," So, what, we caught this from each other, or!"
Foreman," No, it's a condition you both always had. The onset of symptoms are sometimes caused by stress or trauma ""� the incident at the diner."
Tracy, So we got it as kids?
Foreman," It's, um, it's a genetic disease. It's, uh, there's no good reason two unrelated people would get it. We think you guys should take a DNA test."
Jeremy, How can we be related?
Foreman, We think you have the same dad. But we don't know for sure until we do the tests.
Tracy," Oh, God. Oh, your father!"
Jeremy," No, no, this can't be true!"
Tracy," Jer, Jer, I'm lighter. I'm lighter than both my parents, and our eyes! Everyone always talks about how we have the same eyes!"
Foreman, You're not really siblings.
Tracy, We have the same father!
Foreman," You didn't fight in the back seat on car trips, you didn't change each others' diapers, you just met and fell in love. The way you feel, that hasn't changed."
Chase," Hey, Foreman, can you wear the beeper for a couple hours this weekend? What?"
Foreman, We just destroyed two peoples' lives.
Chase, I'm not allowed to run errands any more?
Foreman," I'd like to see some sign that it affects you, or that you recognize that it affects other people."
Chase, So are you going to wear the beeper or not?
Foreman," Sorry, can't."
Chase, You just want to punish me.
Foreman, I'm busy.
Chase, With what?
Foreman, I'm going out of town.
House," Where are you going? [no answer] Foreman, you're not missing a blue shoe, are you? Com� you can't bet when you know the answer beforehand!"
Foreman, We can spend all day arguing whether you can bet when you know the answer beforehand. Give me the two hundred bucks.
House," What? [Foreman leaves, and meets up with Wendy in the hallway.]"
Foreman, Hey.
Wendy, Hey. [And smooch!] You okay?
Foreman," I was just wondering, you really like jazz?"
Wendy, I love it.
Foreman, You lying?
Wendy, I'm lying. I wanna spend time with you. Is that so terrible?
Foreman, No.
Wendy," Maybe we shouldn't walk out together. People see us leaving, and ""�"
Foreman," Well, they gotta find out sometime. [He stops her by Tracy and Jeremy's room.] Let me just meet you at your place. [He goes in.]"
Jeremy, She got her own room.
Foreman, She just needs some time alone. You want me to hang out here a bit? [Jeremy nods tearfully.]
House," If you've come to return the thermometer, don't bother. I've moved on."
Tritter," If you'd actually read my chart, you'd know that I'm a cop. You were going 40 in a 25 zone."
House," Oh, come on. This isn't because I was speeding, it's because I'm Latino."
Tritter," License, registration, proof of insurance."
House," Sorry, cool jacket. Only pockets for important stuff."
Tritter, That's a shame.
House," 50 buck ticket. Is that your way of beating me up, or is that the price for sticking something in you?"
Tritter," You took a pill while examining a Patient, that's serious addictive behavior. I'm betting that you're holding right now."
House," I wasn't weaving, I'm not drunk, you've got no reason to ""�"
Tritter," Pupils dilated, appear to be under the influence of a narcotic. Would you mind turning around, please, and putting your hands behind your head?"
House, Does that polite crap Ever work on people? [Tritter grabs him and does the above for him.]
Tritter, Most people realize that there's only one answer. [He reaches into a pocket and finds some Vicodin.] Got a prescription?
House, I'm a cripple who works in a hospital. You don't think I've got a valid prescription?
Tritter," Arrogant son-of-a-bitch like you? Oh, I bet you didn't bother. You are under arrest for possession of narcotics. [He cuffs him.] You have the right to remain silent, which you should take advantage of for once in your life. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."
Paramedic," If you roll him off from this side, he's likely to go right through the floor and take us with him."
Paramedic, Don't look at me.
Paramedic," Of course, dead bodies are full of all sorts of gases."
Paramedic," You need a loose sphincter, a tight sphincter--"
Paramedic," No, he peed all over himself! [FireMan 4 is pissed, throws off the blankets and starts reaParkng to find the femoral artery.] Look, I've heard dead bodies moan, groan, hiss, hell Even seen them sit straight up on a gurney. Trust me, skin's cold, pupils are fixed and dilated, he's not breathing."
Paramedic, No way.
Cuddy, 46-yr-old guy in a coma; doesn't appear to be anything wrong with him except for the fact that he weighs over 600 pounds. What time does he usually get in?
Cameron, Any time between 8 and 10. [She picks up the Patient's file.] Did you say 600?
Cuddy, At least. The biggest scale we've got only goes up to 350 but this guy's waistline is over 7 feet.
Chase," Which means he's a diabetic with blood thicker than pancake batter. No mystery there, not much we can do."
Cuddy," Blood sugar's normal, cholesterol's lower than mine, tox screen's clean, no sign of trauma."
Foreman, Sure there wasn't a mix up with the lab?
Cuddy, 3 times? It's almost 11. Where is House?
Vagrant," Have my baby, what a lovely way to say how much you love me..."
House, Excusez-moi garçon! Hello?! It's 11 o' clock. Which means my friend is ready for his sponge bath and I shouldn't be here. Hey! Gomer Pyle! I know you can hear me!
Tritter, I think you mean Barney Fife.
House, So Many great idiot icons to choose from.
Tritter, You need time to think of some more?
House, Either arraign me or let me go.
Tritter," No pRoblem, which do you prefer?"
House, What took you so long?
Wilson," Sorry, I didn't have 15 grand in my loose change jar. What the hell did you do? [He takes a bottle of vicodin out of his pocket and hands it to House.]"
House, Nothing. [He takes a vicodin.]
Wilson," The motorcycle was impounded, that explains the speeding, DUI and driving without a license. The fact that you're you explains the illegal possession of narcotics and resisting arrest."
House, Where's your car?
Wilson, What happened?!
House," Some idiot cop with crotch rot obviously thought that I didn't treat him with the deference due to a Man of his stature. Trumped up a traffic stop, next thing I know I'm sharing a cage with a guy who thinks that showers are the way the devil gets inside you."
Wilson, Does Cuddy know?
House, I don't think she needs to. [Wilson looks at him and he shrugs.] I'm innocent!
Wilson, Til proven guilty.
House," The guy wanted to punish me, he did it. It's over."
Wilson, Better get yourself a Lawyer.
House, I already got one.
Wilson, You know what they say about the Lawyer who has himself as a client?
House," Same thing they say about the doctor who lends 15 grand to a friend he knows can't pay him back. [Wilson gives him a look and sighs.] Relax, you'll get it. Where am I going to take off to? [They get into Wilson's car.] Does Salma Hayek live in Mexico or Spain?"
Foreman, There's nothing abnormal in the EEG or the neurological example.
Chase, I'm guessing it's food related. [He's sitting in one of the chairs away from the table filling in something in a newspaper - pRobably a crossword; he doesn't seem to really care.]
Cameron, Improperly prepared puffer fish can have toxins that could cause a coma and might not show up on the tox screen. Where do you think he is?
Chase, He's pRobably at the track.
Foreman," If he was at the track he'd tell us so we don't have to page him and if it was a puffer fish, he'd be dead in 6 to 8 hours tops. He's been in a coma for at least 24."
Chase, The guy didn't get to 600 pounds eating a load of sushi.
Cameron, What if he was in a motorcycle accident?
Foreman," That explains the coma, but how'd he get back in bed? Ahhh! Cameron's talking about House!"
Cameron, Did you Ever see how he drives?
Chase," No, WE haven't."
Foreman," But I have seen how Many pills he's been popping lately, I wouldn't be surprised if he's in a coma somewhere himself."
House," If I am, this is one lame hallucination."
Chase, What happened to you?
House," If you Ever end up in a bar with a Cambridge Woman's heavyweight eight, do not accept the offer of an upside-down kamikaze shot."
Cameron, We have a case.
House," Fat guy in a coma, I know."
Chase, Cuddy found you?
House," Nope, but the wall between Wilson's office and this one is thinner than you think; which means we need to stop talking about what a pathetic loser he is. Start treating Jabba for Pickwickian Syndrome. His 96 double Zs are pRobably putting pressure on his chest suffocating him. [He finds some spare clothing.]"
Foreman, CO2 and oxygen stats are normal.
House," For you and me, what's normal for a hippopotamus? [Cameron gives him a look, Foreman looks annoyed.] Get a detailed medical history."
Cameron, From who? He was brought in alone.
Chase, And I doubt a guy who weighs 600 pounds bothers with annual physicals.
House," Talk to the neighbors, search the House. Let's see what else Shamu's been up to besides eating. This conversation is over because I have officially run out of clEver things to call the guy."
 Beta Comment," They did nice make-up on the actor, Pruitt Taylor Vince is a big guy but not that big.]"
Foreman, It's hard to beliEve you can Even attach this much flesh to a huMan skeleton.
Chase," I wouldn't exactly call this attached. [He puts on a clip on another metal tab stuck to George's skin on his chest.] This is ridiculous, a person shouldn't be able to eat themselves into oblivion and then just expect Everyone to pull out the stops to fix Everything."
Foreman, What are we supposed to do? Refuse treatment to anyone who's obese?
Chase," Come on give me a break; this guy isn't obese, he's not Even morbidly obese. He's suicidal."
Foreman, Well people who attempt suicide get treated.
Chase, But yet non-compliant diabetics don't. We don't give drug addicts dialysis or alcoholics liver transplants.
Foreman, What is your pRoblem? You get beat up by a gang of fat kids when you were in grade school or something?
Chase," Yeah, I'm the one with the pRoblem"
Sophie," So umm, I think his bedroom's through there and kitchen's to the left."
Cameron, Have you seen any changes in his personality? Any trouble with memory or balance?
Sophie," No, but I really don't see him that often. He's not unfriendly or anything, I guess he just likes to keep to himself. I think he only gave me a spare set of keys 'coz I gave him mine."
Sophie, What?
Cameron," Nothing, just reminds me of someone I know; who is unfriendly. Does George have a job?"
Sophie, He has a head-hunting business he runs from home. Occasionally he'll interview people here but he does most of it over the phone.
Cameron, Wow!
Sophie," Yeah, he loves to cook, and eat. Obviously. Four course gourmet meals almost Every night, sometimes for lunch too."
Cameron, Do you know if he Ever uses any unpasteurized cheese or wild game?
Sophie," I'm not sure. He gets all his groceries delivered from that market down on Alden, they pRobably know."
Cameron, He have any friends?
Sophie," No. I mean, sometimes women do come by. Young, attractive, nEver the same one twice if you know what I mean."
Cameron, I see.
Sophie, There can't be Many women who'd want to be with a guy like him.
Patient," It's usually worse in the morning. Especially if I've slept on my arm. [He's massaging his shoulder as he talks to House.] If I sleep on my back or you know, with my arms out, I'm usually ok."
House, So your arm only hurts after you lie on top of it all night.
Patient, Yeah.
House," Hmm. Well have you thought about, I don't know, not doing that?"
Patient," Yeah, but it's how I sleep. It's how I've always slept."
House, Well there's always surgery.
Patient, To do what? Like clean out some cartilage or something?
House, You're not sleeping on some cartilage; you're sleeping on your arm.
Patient, You wanna remove my arm?
House," Well it is your left, a guy's gotta sleep."
Patient, Are you insane?!
Tritter, I see spending a night in jail hasn't humbled you a bit.
House," While following my Every move is flattering, a single rose on my doorstep each morning would be more enticing."
Tritter, Just bringing your boss up to speed which I guess you didn't feel was necessary. [He takes out some more gum and puts it in his mouth.]
House, You going to add that to my list of charges? [He takes out a vicodin and swallows it.]
Tritter, People who are innocent tend not to try to hide their arrest.
House," Is that based on your years of experience arresting innocent people? The way you're going at that gum, it's obviously not having the desired effect. You're the addict; you're going to be back at the butts in a month. You're just taking out your frustration on me because my meds actually work. Why don't you quit while you're ahead before you end up as a security guard working the night shift at some strip mall?"
Tritter, I think working around a bunch of nurses has given you a false sense of your ability to intimidate. [He walks out of the clinic while House glares daggers at his back. Foreman and Cameron walk in to find House.]
Cameron, Who's that?
House, Apparently Cuddy's widened her sperm donor search to include Neanderthals.
Foreman, Cuddy's looking for a sperm donor?
House," It's a joke. Like Cuddy would Ever want a kid. Or a kid would Ever want Cuddy. Hello, that's why it's funny! Why are you guys here?"
Foreman, It's not Pickwick's. Intubation and steroids have had no effect. Except maybe to cause whatEver it is to get worse; he's got a fEver now.
House, [He turns to Cameron.] What'd you find out?
Cameron, That you and George have the same taste in home furnishings and women.
House, Danish modern and Russian gymnasts?
Cameron," Pianos and prostitutes. We should do an LP, look for neurosyphilis."
House, It's not syphilis.
Cameron, How do you know?
House," Because you get STDs from people you trust. People you don't feel you need to protect yourself from. WhatEver he has is connected to his gut, not what's below it. MRI his brain; look for clots."
Foreman, Weight limit on the MRI maParkne is 450 pounds.
House, So do a CT.
Foreman, Limit's 350.
House, Then just start treatment.
Foreman, We give him blood thinners and the coma's caused by a bleed instead of a clot we'd kill him.
House," Either start treatment or start building a stronger MRI. WhatEver you do, do it fast. The longer he stays in the coma, the less likely it is he'll Ever wake up."
Foreman, There's no way.
Cameron, His head's the only part that we have to get in the maParkne. We can just get him on the table.
Foreman," We get him on the table, we break the table. We break the table, hospital's out of a million dollars and we're out of our jobs."
Cameron, The weight limit's obviously just an estimation. It's not like it can hold 450 pounds fine and then collapse under 451.
Chase," He's not 1 pound over, he's 150 pounds over."
Cameron, I don't care; he still deserves the same standard of care as anyone else.
Foreman, And you beliEve the maParkne will stand on principle?
Cameron, You guys going to help or not?
Brenda, How much does this guy weigh?
Cameron,440
Brenda, Looks like a lot more than that.
Cameron," It's 'cause he's lying down. [Foreman lifts an eyebrow.] You guys ready? 1, 2, 3."
Cuddy, Here. [She hands him a piece of paper.]
House, What's this?
Cuddy, [Shifting House's feet so she can sit down next to them.] I made some calls for you. The guy's the best criminal attorney in Princeton.
House, Thanks but I don't need it. I assume you told Inspector Clouseau that I have a valid prescription for the vicodin?
Cuddy," Yeah, and I assume you did as well; did it make a difference? The guy's pissed, and with the DEA now treating pain doctors like Columbian--"
House," I'm not a pain doctor, I'm a pain Patient."
Cuddy, Tell it to your Lawyer.
Foreman," No midline shifts, no bleeds, clots, infarcts."
Cameron, Haven't seen any edema either.
Chase, So what do we do now?
Cameron," An LP, Even if it's not an STD a fEver points toward some sort of infection."
Chase, I'm not sure we can do an LP on a guy his size.
Chase, What? You have to be able to palpate the spine to go know where to go. [Foreman gives a conceding look.]
Cameron, We could use fluoroscopy to guide us.
Chase, He still wouldn't be able to bring his knees up and bend forward in order to open a space between--
Cameron," George it's alright, you're in a hospital."
Foreman," Calm down Man, calm down! Get him out already!"
Chase, I'm trying.
Cameron, Gonna get you out!
Cameron, We still have no idea why he was in a coma to begin with.
Foreman, Or why he woke up.
Chase," It was pRobably just some sort of head trauma and we missed the swelling because, well, his head's already swollen."
House, Bump on the noggin doesn't explain the fEver.
Cameron, An infection made worse by the steroids we gave him for Pickwick's does.
Chase," He's not worse, he's better."
Cuddy, We just replaced the last MRI you broke.
House, Referring to the fund-raising funbags by the royal 'We' now?
Cuddy, Let me explain cause and effect to you.
House, I specifically told them to skip the boring testing part and jump right to the dangerous treatment.
Cuddy," You blow stuff up, makes my life miserable. Makes me need to make your life miserable."
Cameron, He's telling the truth. [Everyone looks up at Cameron.]
House, [Shrugs.] Kids these days - got no respect for other people's property.
Cameron," Repairmen cost less than Lawyers. Morbid obesity is a legally defined disability [Chase rolls his eyes.] which means if we denied access to the MRI, he could have sued us for discrimination as well as malpractice."
Cuddy, This was your idea?
Cameron, Yeah.
House, Looks like Cameron is going to be having a lot more ideas in future. Who knew that being bloated and bitchy could actually come in handy?
Cameron, Shut up.
Foreman, What if it is hormones?
Cameron, It's not hormones.
Foreman, I'm talking about George. Acute adrenal insufficiency could cause a temporary coma.
Chase," A glandular pRoblem would cause his temperature to be low, not high."
Foreman, Maybe the fEver's not related.
Chase, If the fEver's not related there's nothing to talk about.
Foreman, We should do an ACTH stimulation test and check his skin for acanthosis nigricans.
Cameron, Or the fEver is related and so are the prostitutes. We should do a full STD panel and check his genitals for chancres.
Chase," We should do nothing. Just keep him a couple of days for observation, if he doesn't get any worse it was pRobably just a hematoma that dissipated on its own."
House, Or we do all of the above. [Points his cane at Foreman.] You check his belly for patches. [Points at Cameron.] You check underneath for sores. And you [Chase looks up.] just sit on your ass.
Foreman," Acanthosis nigricans is a hyper-pigmentation of the skin, usually indiCates some sort of hormonal imbalance."
George," There's nothing wrong with my hormones. It's the first thing Every doctor I've Ever gone to has checked. Then it's the blood pressure, then it's gotta be diabetes. They all figure there's gotta be something wrong with me. [Cameron is doing other tests on George on the other side of the bed.]"
Foreman, You having any pRoblems with your vision?
George," [His eyes keep moving by themselves Every few seconds, twitParkng slightly.] No, I have nystagmus, I've had it since birth I'm fine."
Cameron," You're not fine, you were in a coma for 2 days, there's something wrong with you."
George," Was something wrong with me, now I'm better now I'd like to go home."
Foreman, A coma's not like a stomach ache; you can't just shrug it off and hope it's not anything serious.
George," My company places a lot of insurance executives. There are over 300,000 deaths caused each year by medical mistakes and hospital associated infections. I'll come in for tests--"
Foreman," There are over 400,000 deaths caused by obesity-related illnesses."
George, CDC says those figures are a gross overestimation.
Foreman," George, you Ever notice you don't see a lot of obese old men?"
George," If I'm going to have a heart attack, I would rather it be caused by a perfect pan-roasted Ris de Veau [Beta Comment: That's veal sweetbreads for the gourmet challenged.] than running 26 miles for no reason other than to brag that I can do it or to have an MRI maParkne break in the middle of a procedure!"
Cameron," We're sorry about that, it was the only way to rule out a stroke or brain hemorrhage."
George," And now that you have, when can I go?"
House," It's pRobably her mom, I bet she's huge. She's from the Midwest. [Looks at the salad.] Since when did you eat beets?"
Wilson," Since I was 5? And who are we talking about? You know, just in case you need me to Parkme in and tell you you're a lunatic at some point."
House," [Picks a cherry tomato from the salad and pops it into his mouth.] Cameron. She's lying, destroying hospital equipment, telling Cuddy off, gotta find out where she got the Fat Scratch fEver."
Wilson, Yeah you definitely better get to the bottom of that. I heard Cuddy gave you the name of a Lawyer.
House," Or it could just be pity, she feels guilty about being born beautiful so she overcompensates by being nice to ugly people. Would explain why she gets along so well with you."
Wilson," From what I hear the Patient reminds her of you, not me. Call the Lawyer."
House, Cameron sees a clump of dirt and she thinks of me.
Wilson," Or a lump of something else, you're a lunatic, call the Lawyer."
Wilson, Very mature.
House, You started it.
Foreman," Skin exam and ACTH stimulation test were both normal. He has nystagmus, but it's congenital; no way it's related to the coma. [He hands House a sheet of the results.]"
House," You say no way I say! yeah, no way."
Cameron," Blood and urine were negative for ChlAmydia, Herpes and Syphilis."
House, [In his Southern accent.] Looks like we got ourselves a mystery.
Foreman," Not for long, he wants to be discharged."
House," Oh sure. Places to go, people to eat."
Cameron, He insisted chance of dying from hospital acquired infection is greater than him dying from whatEver caused his coma.
House, Did you tell him that statistics also say he's a big fat idiot?
Foreman, Yeah I did.
Cameron, He's not backing down. He says if we don't discharge him he'll leave AMA (Against Medical Advice).
Wilson, Selectively rational? Stubborn? Uncooperative? Maybe you ought to check his leg.
House," [Bursts out in sudden mocking laughter.] You see what he did there? The Patient's like me, the Patient's three me's. If I were him-- [House suddenly gets a thoughtful look.] Maybe it's not such a mystery after all."
House, Enjoying your Salisbury steak?
George, Putting chopped parsley on a hamburger does not a Salisbury steak make. You must be doctor House.
House, And you must be full of baloney. A lot of it.
George," [Laughs.] Right, fat joke, always fun. Only people you can still make fun of."
House, And Christians. Oh and black people. No one in their right mind comes out of a coma and immediately asks to go home with an unknown condition which means that either you're not in your right mind or it's not an unknown condition. So what is it? You tried to off yourself?
George," You figure, I'm fat therefore I hate myself."
House, That's a huge leap of logic.
George, I don't wanna die; I just don't wanna be here.
House," Then it's a condition you've already had diagnosed or it's something you know you've inherited. Let's see your stomach has the deep-seated feelings of abandonment written all over it which points towards sexual abuse. Well a fear of hospitals; that points to a more specific traumatic Event so I'm going to say-- [Takes a deep breath.] your mom, in the hospital with a candlestick. And by candlestick of course, I mean inherited OTC deficiency."
George, My parents are both alive and well and living in Boca Raton.
House, Thyrotoxic periodic paralysis?
George, I have no idea what that is.
House, Leukoencephalopathy?
George," [Angrily throws his cutlery onto the tray.] Will you stop? If I knew what was wrong, I would tell you. I'm not an imbecile, and I'm not miserable. I'm just overweight."
House," [Mobile rings, he picks up.] What? When? [He puts it down.] To be continued."
House, What are you doing here?
Tritter, Executing a search of the premises.
Tritter," When you err! when you got bailed out, before we could get a Judge to approve this [He holds up a search warrant and takes the evidence bag.] I almost didn't bother. I thought for sure you'd come straight home and throw Everything out. Rookie mistake; nEver underestimate the stupidity of an addict. There's got to be over 600 vicodin in here which most DA's would say proves intent to traffic. Even if all you'd really intended was simply to be wasted 24/7 while practicing medicine."
House," In case you hadn't noticed, those are prescription bottles. Now I'm not an expert on linguistics per se but I think that means they were prescribed. [He picks up a guitar lying on the floor and puts it back into its proper case.]"
Tritter, [Shakes the evidence bag and listens to the pills rattle in the bottles.] All these were legally prescribed to a Man who's in constant pain but nEver misses a day at work?
House, Ever occurred to you that's why I don't miss a day?
Tritter," Yeah, yeah, crossed my mind. Among other things like what an unprofessional, unethical, arrogant ass you are. Because if you're unprofessional in one area it only makes sense."
Tritter," Now maybe just a few of these are in someone else's name. Forged prescription. Just swiped from the pharmacy when nobody's looking. [He steps closer to House with a smug expression on his face.] You wouldn't do that, right?"
House, Send him home.
Cameron," Why, you think he's healthy?"
House," Either I'm right and he knows what's wrong, he's just too stubborn to admit it or I was right and it's Pickwick's. Treatment just had a delayed effect."
Cameron, You don't have delayed effects to oxygen. And Pickwick's doesn't explain the fEver.
House, Being engulfed in an electric blanket of blubber could explain the fEver.
Cameron," Yesterday you insisted on keeping him here because of the fEver, we have no idea what's wrong with the guy. For all we know he could be dead in 12 hours."
House," He does not want our help, which means he doesn't want your help."
Cameron, He's obviously just rationalizing and so are you! You would nEver give up this easy if you weren't so busy dealing with your own personal pRoblems.
House, [Finally spots Wilson at the vending maParknes.] Send him home. [Turns away and approaches Wilson.] What'd you tell that cop?
Wilson, Nothing.
House, Nothing as in nothing; or as in nothing to cause him to think that I have a stash in my apartment?
Wilson," He called to see if I prescribed the pills, I said yes, that's all."
House, Obviously not.
Wilson, What happened?
House," He searched my House, found a butt load of pills. [Wilson sighs.] A guy's gotta be prepared for a rainy day."
Wilson, Last I checked pharmacies are still open when it rained.
House, And because I nEver know when you're going to be in one of your moods and cut me off.
Wilson," Oh, it's my fault."
House, I'm not the one who talked to the cop.
Wilson, Well I'm not the one who put a thermometer in his rectum. So stop yelling at me and start talking to your Lawyer.
Cameron, Is there someone who can check on you?
George," Oh don't worry, there's going to be a whole crew of carpenters in my bedroom for the next week at least."
Cameron, You know there's an Overeaters Anonymous meeting here at the hospital.
George, If I wanted to jump out of airplanes or climb Mt. Everest would you be telling me to go to Daredevils Anonymous?
Cameron, I would be worried about you just like I am now.
George," Don't be. I enjoy food. I like cooking it, I like looking at it, I like smelling it and I especially like eating it. WhatEver happens is going to happen. Ultimately it's all out of our control anyway. [The wheelchair stops a few metres away from the entrance.]"
Cameron, Why doesn't that philosophy apply to medical mistakes and hospital acquired infections as well?
George," [He smiles softly.] I'm a compliCated Man, Doctor Cameron. But don't worry; I plan on staying that way for a long time. [He tries to get up out of the wheelchair.]"
Cameron, Wait; let us take you all the way outside.
George, I'm fine.
Cameron," Doesn't matter, it's hospital rules."
George," Oh screw the rules, I've been on my back for 4 days, I need the exercise right?"
Cameron," George, come on; let us just take you to the taxi."
George," Don't worry, I may not be able to climb Everest but I can walk, okay?"
Cameron, George--
George," No, enough already. [He stands up and starts to walk but after a few steps starts looking around dazedly.]"
Cameron, George are you alright? George you alright? George?
Foreman, Disorientation and loss of balance could mean a neurofibromatosis.
House, Where's Chase?
Cameron, Dunno. Haven't seen him since you told him to sit on his ass yesterday.
House, Interesting. NF-2 is also inherited which means I was right.
Foreman, Kept saying it was Pickwick's.
House," Between the first Pickwick's and the second Pickwick's, I said it was inherited. [Brenda is coming out of George's room and House rather abruptly grabs the Patient file from her.]"
Cameron," WhatEver, NF-2 doesn't explain fEver. I think we should focus on the coma and the fEver."
Foreman, Why? The disorientation and loss of balance are more recent.
Cameron, The coma was the most sEvere symptom.
Foreman, But he's not in a coma anymore and he is disoriented.
Cameron," No, he's not."
House, We have a rather large piece of tempered glass that begs to differ.
Cameron, I just mean it's not connected.
Foreman, You don't know that.
Cameron, Yeah I do.
Foreman, How could you possibly know--
Cameron, Because I did it. I didn't think he should be discharged so I gave him 3 grams of phenytoin. [Foreman and House look shocked.] I wasn't going to just let him leave.
Foreman, But you were ok with him crashing through a glass wall?
Cameron, I tried to keep him in the wheelchair but he's tough to stop.
House," Nice audible, Peyton."
Foreman, So what do we do now?
House," Discharge report says he didn't eat his breakfast. Humpty Dumpty didn't get to be the size of all the King's horses by skipping the most important meal of the day. What causes coma, fEver and a loss of appetite?"
Cameron, It can't be Chagas'; he's nEver been outside the country.
House," But his stomach has, the food we eat no longer comes from America's heartland, it comes from South America's deforested jungle land where lettuce now grows and lettuce pickers now poop. Get a sample of his CSF before the little bugs that are now feasting on his brain move on to dessert."
Foreman, How are we going to do that? He's too big to do an LP.
House, So go straight to the source.
George, You want to drill a hole in my head?
Cameron, It's the only way.
George, It's got to be something other than a parasite. I buy my produce at the best market in town and I always wash it.
Cameron, Leafy vegetables can suck contaminated water through their roots right into the plant. You could have washed them in chlorine and it still wouldn't have mattered.
George, Then other people would be sick as well.
Cameron, Parasites could have been on only a few items or maybe they just didn't eat as much as you did.
George, It's always about my weight isn't it? Why can't you people come up with one theory--
Cameron," [Interrupting.] This one fits, George. It explains your coma, your fEver, your loss of appetite."
George, And the disorientation?
Cameron," It's all explained, and if we don't treat it while it's still in the acute stage, it'll be too late. It could go on to infect your heart, intestines, esophagus."
George, This is what I get for eating salad. [Cameron smiles.]
Foreman, Suction.
Nurse, Suction.
Foreman, Aspirator. [Hands the sample to Cameron.] Your turn. Irrigation. Sponge.
George, What! what'd you do?
Foreman," Nothing, why, what's wrong?"
George, I can't! I can't see!
Foreman, Vision's blurry or you've lost it?
George," I didn't lose it, you took it from me."
Cameron," George, calm down!"
George, I can't see!!
George, What'd you do to me?!
Foreman, There's no inflammation in the optic nerve and his retina's intact. The blindness has to have been caused by something in his brain.
Cameron, And not surprisingly there was no sign of Chagas or any other parasites in his CSF.
House," So we've ruled out his parents, prostitutes, the arugula - means either--"
Foreman," I took the sample from the pre-frontal, I was nEver anywhere near his visual cortex."
House, Or you missed a tumor on the MRI.
Foreman," Not a chance, the MRI was clean."
House, [House finally seems to have found his wallet.] Mind? [Foreman steps out of his way.]
Foreman, Where are you going?
House, To get a 400 dollar butt plug.
Cameron, What about George?
House, He's going to have to get his own. Come on; let's see if we can get this thing figured out by the time we get to the elevator.
Foreman," It could be MS; it'd explain the coma, the blindness, loss of balance and the fEver."
Cameron, It could also explain his lack of concern for his health. MS can cause excessive cheerfulness.
House," Yeah, he's a delight. You don't get to MS with coma as the first symptom, blindness plus coma says diabetes. [He presses the button to call the lift with his cane.] Just in time."
Cameron," No, blood sugar and urine dipstick and hemoglobin A1C are normal."
House," Were normal when you tested it. He's been in and out of a coma, whatEver's going on is waxing and waning, unlike his pant size which only waxes. Which also points to diabetes. Test him again, this time add a glucose tolerance test and a HEC. [The lift arrives.]"
Foreman, We already have a CSF sample; we might as well check it for proteins and rule out MS first.
House, [Steps in and pushes the button for the floor he wants.] Agreed; except for the part about doing it first.
Cameron, [Stopping the doors from closing.] Where are you going?
House, The butt plug was my way of saying mind your own business; apparently too subtle.
Cameron," George, all it is, is sugar water, I promise."
George," Just because I'm overweight doesn't make me diabetic, you tested me, Everybody's tested me. [He sounds very upset and very snappy.]"
Cameron," Sometimes the blood sugar lEvels can fluctuate, make it difficult to diagnose."
George, You stuck a needle in my brain and 10 seconds later I was blind! How's that difficult to diagnose?! Who the hell knows what else you guys done to me? I should have nEver come here!
Cameron," You didn't come here, you were brought here because you were in a coma and barely alive! We didn't do that to you. You need to let us figure out what did."
Cameron," For someone who insists he enjoys life as much as you do, you certainly don't seem willing to do much to prolong it."
George," Yeah, because I don't agree with the brilliant doctors suddenly I'm suicidal."
Cameron," Refusing to cooperate with us does not make you suicidal, it makes you an idiot. You think we want to see you blind or in a coma?"
George," I've been fat all my life. I've only been sick for the past few days. You look for a disease that has nothing to do with my size and I will help you. Otherwise, leave me alone."
Lawyer," Speeding. [House taps a gavel on a spot below his knee to induce a reflex knee jerk.] DUI. [House continues tapping after Every charge is read out.] Reckless driving, resisting arrest, possession of a class 3 narcotic and now it looks like they've added another possession with intent to traffic charge as well. They found some pills at your House."
House, All of which I had a prescription for.
Lawyer, That's a lot of pills.
House," I'm in a lot of pain. This is all because some cop came into the clinic, I was rude to him. This is his way of getting back at me."
Lawyer, You've made it pretty easy.
House," His insane reaction to a simple rectal thermometer reading, [He gets a chuckle out of the Lawyer.] pRobably says a lot more about his mother than it says about me."
Lawyer, I'm inclined to think your particular charm may not be immediately appreciated by a jury.
House, I'm not interested in a plea bargain.
Lawyer, It's your best bet to make this go away.
House," There is no ""this"", there's a him; the only thing I'm guilty of is humiliating a bully. I wasn't speeding, I wasn't impaired, I didn't resist and I certainly wasn't distributing narcotics to anyone but myself because I need those narcotics."
Lawyer," [Nods.] 5 grand retainer, if we end up going to trial there'll be another 32 before the first day. My hourly is 450. That work for you?"
Cameron," What did your Lawyer say? [House looks surprised.] I looked up butt plug in a legal dictionary, what'd he say?"
House, That a smile like mine can't lose. [He then pulls a funny face and flashes it at both of them.] What did the test say?
Foreman," You're right about MS, no myelin basic proteins in his CSF."
House, What about diabetes?
Cameron," Don't know, says we think only think it's diabetes because of his weight, won't let us test him."
House," So, you would rather be a blind invalid than admit the fact that maybe you might have a little pRoblem with overeating? And by a little pRoblem of course, I mean you've eaten yourself half to death."
George, And you would rather let me die than consider the fact that whatEver is wrong with me has nothing to do with my weight.
House, I go where the symptoms tell me to go. Right now they're asking why this stuff is the first thing you've Ever refused to swallow. [He picks up a bottle of juice and tries to put it into George's hand. George jerks his hand away.]
George, I am not diabetic!
House," Grocery stores giving away medical degrees with the free turkeys now? The sooner you drink this, the sooner I get to go waste my time with something else. [He tries to put it near George's mouth.]"
George, [Pushes House away.] Get the hell off of me!
House, No dessert 'til you've finished your dinner. [He pushes the bottle back at George and they both struggle with the bottle and end up splashing loads of juice all over George.]
Cameron," George, just drink it!"
George, Nurse! Get this jackass off of me!
Brenda, What the hell is going on? [She rushes in but is stopped by Foreman from interfering.]
House," Just trying to force a horse to-- [He suddenly notices something about George's grip and lets go. He looks at George's fingers and the light of realization comes into his eyes. He grabs his cane, puts the bottle of juice back down and walks out of the room, ducklings in tow.]"
Foreman, What's going on?
House," Get x-rays of his hands, then bronc him do a sputum cytology and check his CSF for anti-Hu antibodies."
Cameron, How are we going to get him to do all that when we can't Even get him to drink a bottle of sugar water?
House, Tell him that lung cancer is in no way connected to obesity.
Foreman, Err... you don't think he'll realize we're lying?
House, We're not; lung cancer's got nothing to do with--
Foreman, I meant about him having lung cancer.
House, You didn't notice his fingers?
Foreman, [Shrugs.] I noticed they were fat?
House," Should have pissed him off. He would have grabbed you and you would have felt the bones, they're not just fat, they're clubbed."
Cameron, George? [He looks up but also looks confused since he can't see who it is.] It's me. Your tests were positive. You have a small cell lung carcinoma; caused a paraneoplastic neurologic syndrome which in turn caused your blindness and coma. The cancer's metastasized to your lymph nodes. It's inoperable but there are radiation treatments available. [George is starting to take shaky breaths as the news is delivered.] They might give you a few more months.
George," I nEver smoked. [Sighs.] C'est la vie. [This is French and translates to ""This is life"". She leaves him as he lies there resigned to his fate.]"
Cameron, You were right.
House, So was he.
Cameron," He said, c'est la vie. [She walks into the room and starts playing with the BOUO (ball of unknown origins - the oversized tennis ball).]"
House, He's a compliCated Man.
Cameron, What about you? What are you going to do about your pRoblem?
House," Nothing. I just got a call from my Lawyer, he gave the DA copies of my prescriptions. As soon as they confirm that it's bona fide, they're going to drop the possession, DUI and resisting arrest. As soon as I pay my 85 dollars speeding ticket and impound fine, I get my bike back."
Cameron, I guess that's good.
House, You guess?
Cameron," No, it's good. You get to keep going like you always have."
House," Alright, I give up, who was it? Who in your family had the weight pRoblem?"
Cameron, You think I can only care about a Patient if I know someone else who's been through the same thing?
House, You care for Everybody. You only lie and stand up to Cuddy for a few.
Cameron, You lie for Everybody and only care about a few.
House, You're avoiding the question.
Cameron," I like damaged people, remember? Explains Everything I do."
House," Almost Everything. [Cameron grins.] Wasn't you, was it?"
Cameron, Does it matter?
House," Nope, but it'd be interesting."
Cameron," Sorry to disappoint you, sometimes the answers just aren't that simple. [She leaves.]"
Wilson, I know he can be a real ass and he has no pRoblem lying when it serves him but he's not lying about the pain. He needs the medication which is why I prescribed it. All of it.
Tritter," Well I see a lot of cases where people who have real injuries end up getting addicted. [Wilson nods.] And then well, things kinda spiral out of control. And lives get ruined and not just their own."
Wilson, [He runs his fingers through his hair.] Err... I don't know what else to tell you.
Tritter, [Drags an end table to sit closer to Wilson by the desk. He takes some more prescriptions out of the file he's holding and hands them to Wilson.] What about these?
Wilson," [Without looking.] This is getting! if it's got my name on it, it's a legit script."
Tritter, You sure?
Wilson, Yeah.
Tritter, Because the signatures on these look a little different than the signatures on those.
Tritter, You look surprised.
Wilson," No I'm just! I hadn't thought about it, I do sign my name differently sometimes."
Tritter, Are you sure?
Wilson," Yeah, I guess I get bored signing it the same way, you know what they say about doctor's handwriting."
Tritter," I'm going to give you a moment to reconsider that answer because if you're for some reason mistaken we will find out and that will not be good for you, or Doctor House."
Wilson, [Nods.] I am sure. Absolutely.
Tritter, Alright. I guess that's it then.
Tritter, Thank you for your help.
Wilson," Ok, no pRoblem."
Wilson, What're you doing down here? Thought you usually have lunch with Coma Guy.
House," [Mouth full, wiping his hands.] This is Vegetative-state Guy. Better company. [To Gabe.] Hey, hey, tell him about those Sherpa's you dropped acid with in St. Patrick's Cathedral."
Wilson," [Upset, loud.] You stole my prescription pad and you forged my name!"
House," [Beat, then serious.] What'd you tell the cop?"
Wilson, I lied! He'd have put you away for ten years; after they took your license to practice medicine.
House," [Shrugs.] So, Everything's good then."
Wilson, [Gesturing wildly.] I lied! To the cops!
House," There is no case unless they can prove that either I got the drugs illegally or I sold them illegally. I didn't do the second, you lied about the first. Game over."
Wilson," Yeah, Tritter's just playing. He's gonna see how clEver you are and then just walk away."
House, Important thing is you keep prescribing the same amount of drugs to me. Or it'll look suspicious.
Wilson," Here's another way to look at it. Having forced me to lie to the police, your first concern is securing your ""drug-connection""!"
KYLE, Joining my father for lunch. I should have called ahead for a table.
Wilson, Dr. House was just--
KYLE," Enjoying a Reuben. It's okay. After ten years, anything that'll get doctors in the same room is..."
Wilson, What're you doing?
House, Nothing. What're you doing?
House, Parkps?
House, Wanna see something really cool?
House," I saw you leaving last Tuesday; practically tripped over two guys on your way out. But you had no pRoblem opening doors. It's called Akinetopsia. You can't see things when they move. And since you haven't been hit by a bus, I assume it's intermittent. PRobably accompanied by seizures, which made me think that I can set one off by flashing a..."
House," God, I love this family!"
KYLE, [Smiling.] I can see fine now.
KYLE," I've had seizures before. Most of the time, they're small. Doctors ran me through all the tests, couldn't find anything."
Cameron, Any history of epilepsy in your family?
KYLE," The only things I know that run in my family are they have a lot of chutzpah and the ability to sleep for ten years. [He chuckles.] Although I'm not really an expert; Dad nEver really liked my mother's side of the family and, after she died and he came here, I was raised by a guardian. Wouldn't Even know how to get in touch with him."
Chase, How about your father's side of the family? Any relatives we could speak with?
KYLE, My father was an only Parkld and my grandparents are dead.
Cameron," Well, what did you put down as the person the hospital should contact in an emergency?"
KYLE, [Dismissively.] I-I left it blank.
Cameron," There's gotta be someone, a friend..."
KYLE," Plenty of friends, just... no one that would care if I was here."
KYLE," [To Chase.] Say, do you mind passing me my backpack?"
KYLE, [Sheepishly.] Hair of the dog.
Cameron, Could be infection.
Foreman, Or brain tumor.
Cameron, Says he had a CT.
Chase, It's pRobably the simplest explanation. Trauma.
Cameron, He didn't report any injuries.
Chase, He didn't report being an alcoholic either. Drinking equals falling down equals trauma equals...
House, Maybe it's inherited.
Foreman, How did you jump to genetics? [Coming over to look at the papers.] From his EEG? All you got are some vaguely epileptiform waves.
House," It's not his EEG. It's his father's. When it comes to cortical seizures, like father, like son."
Foreman, Small seizures aren't unheard of in a Patient in a vegetative state.
House, Similarities are interesting though.
Chase, What caused the vegetative state?
House," His House burned down; went back in to get his wife. Firefighters found him unconscious three feet from the bedroom, asphyxiated."
Foreman, Not an inherited condition.
House, Test his DNA. Start with adrenomyeloneuropathy.
House, [Over his shoulder.] Check out the home.
Chase, He has a single bed.
Foreman, [Snorts.] They still make single beds?
Chase," Could mean he just doesn't have sex, though there were condoms in the apartment."
Foreman, House asked you to check out the home for toxins.
Chase," No mold, no leaks, no pets."
Cameron, MRI and LP are both inconclusive. Infection's still possible. Tumor's less likely than...
House, DNA?
Foreman, Adrenomyeloneuropathy test was negative.
House, DNA test again. Try Unverricht-Lundborg and late-onset Lafora's.
Chase, [Protesting.] Genetic tests take forEver. You can't just keep testing him for Every inherited condition you think it might be.
House," Well, not me. I'll be leaving early. But you guys can."
Foreman," You said no one's been sick, but what about delivery people, repair guy?"
KYLE, I wouldn't know. I work from home. I haven't been to the office in over a month.
Cameron, Visitors?
KYLE, Haven't had any.
KYLE, Only person I've seen in the last week was the pizza delivery guy and he looked pretty healthy.
Cameron, There's gotta be someone you're close to.
KYLE," Actually, the person I see most often is my father. He's asleep so he can't stop me."
Foreman, What is it?
KYLE, Just feeling a little nauseous.
Cameron, I think his liver's failing.
KYLE, [Scared.] God; does-does that mean that I'm...
Foreman," Need a central IV! Two units of packed red blood cells, type O-negative!"
Cameron, He's unconscious and heading for a coma. He's at a four on the RLAS scale.
House, Stop all treatment.
Chase, To see if this is a reaction to our meds?
House," Well, they obviously aren't helping. Given the fact that he's an alcoholic, there's a good chance his liver wasn't so hot when he came in. Anti-seizure drugs, they just pushed him over the edge."
Cameron," We take him off those meds, what do we put him on?"
House, I was hoping you'd know.
Foreman," May be academic, I just started him on dialysis."
Chase, Kidney and liver failure; not too Many people come back from that.
Cameron, Trauma's out of the picture. Could still be an infection.
Foreman, Or neurological or...
House, Genetic.
House, We need a better history.
[Beta Comment," Because it is a good idea, when under investigation for drug use and drug trafficking with intent, to start rifling through the hospital dispensary.]"
Chase, Did you miss the part where the Patient lost consciousness?
Foreman, L-dopa?!
Cameron, You're not waking Kyle. You're waking his father.
House, I commend your observational skills.
Chase, You have no reason to think any Manner of drugs will wake a Man from a coma.
House," [Correcting.] Vegetative state. Much easier. This guy's no Terri SParkavo, his brain's all there, he moves around, muscles have barely atrophied, just waiting for a fairy-tale kiss. After I do that, stick a needle in him."
Foreman, The amount of amphetamines alone will be dangerous. Besides whatEver the hell else you got in there.
House, There are reports out of South Africa about a pill that'd temporarily revive someone in a vegetative state. We've all seen Awakenings. It made me cry. I wanna cry.
Cuddy," [Voice-only, pissed off.] Put the syringe down."
House," [drawling] I can out draw you, mysterious stranger."
Cuddy, [Mad as heck.] We don't experiment on helpless Patients!
House, Be reasonable. There's no way this is gonna work.
Cuddy," Even if you woke him, it would only be for a few hours! A day! Two at the most! You're risking his life!"
House, I'm risking getting sued. That's the only objection here.
Cuddy, You'll be torturing him and his family.
House, Good news for Legal. Only family he's got is upstairs dying.
House, Whooaaaaaii!
Cuddy," [Voice trembling. Still mad.] I want this Patient monitored for the next twenty-four hours. [Pointedly at House.] I want someone with him at all times, to make sure you didn't kill him! I want your ass in my office--"
Gabe, [As if he's only been sleeping a couple of hours.] God. I'm starving.
Gabe, I could really go for a steak.
Cuddy, Do you know your name? Know where you are?
Gabe, [Groggily.] Gabriel Wasniak. I don't know the name of this hospital.
Cuddy, How much are three and five?
Gabe," [Smiling.] Eight. Also known as half of sixteen, quarter of thirty-two, two to the third power."
[Beta Comment," I had a paramedic ask me something similar after getting knocked out during a sporting Event, my response was ""numbers""�.]"
House, [Smiling.] Coolest thing Ever. Any history of seizure in your family?
Gabe, No.
House, Liver disease?
Gabe," No. [To Cuddy.] How long have I been here? Got the feeling it's uh, been a long time."
House," Interesting. Your internal clock kept ticking. How deep does that awareness go? Pick up scraps of conversations, do you have a vague sense that the hospital administrator dresses like a trollop?"
House, Or that the new Star Wars movies were a disappointment?
Gabe, [Pensive.] I know my wife is dead. I don't know how long it's been.
Cuddy, [Empathically.] Ten years. [Beat.] What's the last thing you remember?
Gabe," The fire. My wife was in the bedroom. She had taken a sleeping pill. I got Kyle out, went back in for her. I knew I didn't make it."
Cuddy, Sorry.
House, How 'bout your wife's side of the family? Any history of seizures there?
Cuddy," Your son, Kyle, is a Patient here. I'm afraid his condition is serious. He may be dying."
Gabe, No seizure issues on my wife's side either. What about that steak? Nobody Ever answered me.
Wilson, Ahh! Rumor in the cafeteria was Caustic Guy was waking up Coma Guy.
House," Technically, Vegetative State Guy was woken by... yeah, Caustic Guy."
Wilson," So, what happened?"
House," Gotta get him a steak, before I can ask him anymore questions."
Wilson, He doesn't wanna talk about his son?
House, Didn't seem to emotionally register that his son is sick.
Wilson, Brain issue? He was asphyxiated. Spent ten years as asparagus. Who knows what damage is in there?
House, It's possible. 'Course always the simple explanation. Maybe he just doesn't like his son.
Wilson, Only in your world would that be simple.
House, The delusion that fathering a Parkld installs a perManent geyser of unconditional love--
Wilson," Maybe your father's feelings were conditional, not Everyone's--"
House," Yes. Well, of course. That would play into your roMantic vision of huMan..."
Wilson," Terms you would understand. We have an evolutionary incentive to sacrifice for our offspring, our tribe, our friends. Keep them safe."
House," [Agrees, but...] Except for all the people who don't. Everything is conditional. You just can't always anticipate the conditions."
Tritter, Mind if we talk for a few minutes?
Tritter, How Many pills would you say Dr. House takes a day?
Cameron, I'm uncomfortable saying a number.
Tritter, [He shrugs.] Try.
Cameron, Six.
Tritter, A day?
Tritter," Has he Ever had you, write prescriptions for him?"
Cameron," No. What is it you want me to say? That he takes too Many pills and is a danger to the hospital. Or he takes too few because he's selling them on the side. Either way, it's ridiculous."
Tritter, I meant the former.
Cameron, You're wrong.
Tritter, Can I ask what Dr. House has done to deserve your loyalty? He's not known as a great boss. He's not Even much of a friend. Look how he left Dr. Wilson holding the bag.
Tritter, [Smiling.] It's odd. You don't know about that. You defend him and he won't Even tell you what's happening in his life.
Cameron, I was paged.
Chase, Saw you with the cop. What'd he want?
Cameron, How Many pills does House take? Did I Ever write him a prescription? That sort of stuff. I told him six.
Foreman, [Amused.] A day or in a mouthful?
Cameron, I was just hoping you guys would stay consistent.
Chase, He wants to talk to us too?
Cameron, You're next.
Chase, [Unsettled.] We've gotta tell House what's going on.
Cameron," Tritter says ""no""."
Foreman," Then ""no"" it is. Cops have a thousand ways to make life difficult for you."
House, Quick! What's the kid's status? Gotta get back to our sleeper before he goes looking for the Orgasmatron.
[Beta Comment, House is a Woody Allen fan! That makes me smile.]
House," See, if that were rhetorical, it would mean I could just turn around and leave now, which I'm not doing. From which you should deduce..."
Foreman, Stopped all drugs except the antibiotics. His liver's just Managing to hang in there.
Chase, He's still sliding into coma.
Gabe, Your barber sucks.
Gabe," ""Coma diet"". I could make a fortune."
House," ""Vegetative State Diet"". Who gave you your clothes?"
Gabe, Dr. Cuddy. I guess I'll need all new ones anyway. Everything went in the fire.
House," Don't worry about it. We use recyclable clothes now. Wear them once, then eat them. Your son's measles vaccination, d'you remember if he had it and what type it was?"
Gabe," You're a piece of work, you know that?"
Gabe," You weren't gonna tell me, were ya? I don't need new clothes. Dr. Cuddy says my body will adjust to the drugs, and I'll be a vegetable again by tomorrow; if I'm really lucky, the day after."
House, Yeah.
Gabe," If I got a day to live, I'm not gonna spend it in the hospital room, being grilled."
House," C'mon, where you gonna go? House burned down, your wife's dead. Business is sold off. The only thing you have left is down the hall, heading for a liver biopsy."
Gabe," Used to be this little um, hole in the wall, run by a guy named Giancarlo. Made the best hoagies in the world. Real Italian rolls. Prosciutto, provolone, [He smacks his lips.] Mmm. How far is Atlantic City from here?"
House, You have one day to live and you want a sandwich.
Gabe, People on death row get a last meal.
House, State provides it. Who's providing for you? You got a car? Money?
Gabe, [Smiling.] You're negotiating with me.
House," Take out another hundred, for me. And I need your car."
Wilson, I'm not doing you any favors.
House, You'll get it back tomorrow. Two days max. Road trip.
Wilson," This is like trying to control the weather, but I'd prefer if you didn't eat in the car. Just had it detailed."
Gabe, I drive!
Wilson," Oh, the hell he does!"
House, Sure!
Wilson," Aside from the fact, he just woke up from a vegetative state; the guy doesn't have a license."
House," How 'bout this? Cops stop us, we lie. You know how to do that. Parkps!"
House," All the drugs pumping through his system right now, his reflexes are better than Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s."
Gabe," [From inside the car, holding an Ipod.] What's this? It says ""Ipp-odd""."
Wilson, I'm coming.
House," [V.O.] So, let's talk about toxic exposure."
Gabe, What was wrong with the old colors? I trusted brown. Do the purple ones have chocolate inside?
House, [Limping up.] Raspberry cocaine. This House that burned down. Where was it?
Gabe," Morristown, New Jersey. Listen, I really need to know about the candy, because I'm allergic to berries."
House, You didn't mention that.
Gabe, Is it significant?
House," No. So, where else did you live? List Everywhere, including vacations. Start with when your wife got pregnant."
Gabe," We lived in Jersey. Then we moved to Jersey; from there, Jersey. What, are you waiting to hear about the little cottage in the Amazon, with the mosquitoes and the lead paint all over the walls?"
House, [Nodding.] Yes.
Gabe, You know what? I didn't let you come along so you could suck all the fun out of my one day of life.
House," Well, you're out of luck, 'cause that's totally why I'm here."
Gabe, Okay. Rule change.
House," [Purses his lips.] Person with the money makes the rules. Or in this case, person who's friend's the person with the money, makes the rules."
Gabe," Well, you want answers more than I want money. Right, so, here's the game. Ask whatEver you want. But for Every question I answer, you have to answer one first."
House, Why would you care about anything I have to say?
Gabe," The day before I died, I was a successful Man. I had a factory with over two hundred employees. People listened when I talked. I liked power. Now, the only power I have left is the power to annoy you."
Cameron, Took Wilson's assistant for coffee.
Foreman, Why?
Cameron, Something Tritter said. She told me the police think that House stole Wilson's prescription pad and forged his name.
Foreman, You beliEve it?
Cameron, Do you?
Foreman," Why, absolutely. I do. I'm just checking how naïve you are."
Cameron," He's not gonna steal his best friend's pad, jeopardize his career."
Foreman," Until his best friend says ""no"" to him. House is a junkie. Junkies do whatEver they have to do to get what they need."
Cameron, [Checking the Patient.] Kyle's under three on the RLAS scale. He's only showing localized response.
Chase, I'll call House. Tell him I'm gonna need an answer soon.
Wilson, Get in the right lane for 295. And pass me the Twizzlers.
Wilson, I'm curious.
House," No, you're not."
Wilson, Why would a Man's first instinct to be to drive away from the only family he's got?
House," Noooo! This is no time for you to do your thing! We don't care about his state of mind, we don't care if he's happy. [To Gabe.] This factory of yours. What did you make?"
House, So ask me a question.
Gabe, I'm thinking.
House," [To Wilson, holding up a bottle of Vicodin.] Only six left, by the way."
Wilson," So sign my name. You don't need a doctor, you need a pen."
Gabe, What is up with you two?
House, Wilson lied to the bulls to keep me out of the big House.
Wilson, [Pissed.] Are you out of your mind?
House," Who's he gonna tell? By tomorrow night, he's gonna be a mindless stalk of celery. Since I answered that one, by the way, my turn. What did you make in your factory?"
Gabe, Luxury boats. You Ever been in love?
House, Wow! Going right for the closets with the embarrassing stuff. Good move. [His answer.] Yes! Describe the boats.
Gabe," Thirty-five to sixty-five foot hulls, twin engines, Parquet floors in the galley, staterooms with queen beds. How'd you meet?"
House, She shot me. These boats - I assume you use mildew-resistant paint on the hulls?
Gabe, Naturally. Shot you?
House, Paintball. Doctors versus Lawyers. Ever take your son to the factory?
Gabe, Sure. He used to run all over the place. He was perfectly safe. Ever love anybody else?
House," [Shaking his head.] No more questions. I got my answer. While dad's in the office, son's watParkng 'em spray-paint. And what kid wears a mask?"
House, Mercury specifically targets the central nervous system.
Gabe, You're saying this is my fault?
House," Mercury poisoning explains the seizures. The liver's like a big soup-strainer. Soup drains through, Parkcken dumplings stay. For soup read blood, for Parkcken dumplings..."
Gabe," [Morosely.] I get it, I get it. Mercury."
House," Sits more or less idle until your kid pours tequila shooters into his liver. When the liver goes, takes out his kidneys - explains Everything."
House," [Into the phone.] Yeah, it's me."
House," [From phone.] Foreman, draw blood, test for mercury poisoning. Chase, start heavy-metal chelation while we're waiting for results."
Foreman, Chase isn't here. I'll start the...
House, Where is he?
Foreman, The lab.
Tritter, How Many pills does he take a day?
Chase," It's hard to say. Pain lEvels vary all the time. Could be six, eight... ten."
Tritter, Ever write any prescriptions for him?
Chase, [Nods.] Yes.
Tritter, Why? Did he tell you to?
Chase, He asked me to.
Tritter," Medicine attracts people who are attracted to power. I know how he hates when he is defied by a Patient. I doubt he handles defiance from his staff any better. Now you correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Dr. House asks for anything. I think he takes it. And I think that you are stuck, lying to the police, to cover up something"
[Beta Comment, Oh Tritter you Judgeth wrongly my friend; seriously that was the wrong play for Chase.]
House, [V.O.] We have been up and down St. James like a Monopoly car. It's not here. Giancarlo has left the building.
Wilson, We can still turn around and go back to Princeto...
Gabe," [Aloud.] No! We've come this far, I'm getting the hoagie!"
Wilson," [Beat.] If your son does have mercury poisoning, there's a good chance he'll respond to the chelation. You might be able to have a few minutes with him before you lapse..."
Gabe," [Turns around, upset.] Why are you so concerned about me?"
House," Deep inside, Wilson beliEves if he cares enough, he'll nEver have to die."
Wilson, [To Gabe.] Your behavior isn't normal.
House, [Scoffs.] And you would know normal.
Wilson," What could he have done that you won't forgive after ten years, when this is your last chance?"
Gabe, My son is what he is. His mother's side - all drunken losers; he's gone the same way.
Wilson, House told you that drinking had damaged your son's liver.
Gabe, But you said that!
Wilson," But you didn't hear him say that 'til after we left the hospital. So, why did you leave?"
House, Maybe your son takes after your side; seizures and an allergy to emotional connections.
Gabe," [Waving wildly.] Okay, okay, okay, enough! We're in Atlantic City, and my time's not up yet. We'll find a hotel with a casino."
Cameron, BP's starting to drop.
Foreman, O2 sats down to 70.
Foreman, Point-three milligrams of epi. In.
Cameron, What're you trying to do? Make him bleed faster?
Foreman, Check the pulse.
Foreman, It's not his liver.
Foreman, It's the heart.
Wilson," [Into the phone.] I understand it's a French chef. But I'm sure he can handle this. Need a twelve-inch Italian roll, Oregano vinegar. No, not Balsamic vinegar. Oregano vinegar."
House," [Hannibal Greg.] Quid pro quo, Clarice. [Regular Greg.] Game's still on."
Gabe, I thought the answer was mercury poisoning. What other questions would you care about?
Wilson," [Cradling phone.] If you each had one day to live, you'd look for one last meal and House would look for one last answer."
Wilson," [Into the phone.] No, can you just send the ingrEdients up here and I'll make it myself."
House, Last ten years. How much awareness did you have?
Gabe," I don't know. I knew it wasn't the next day. I knew that, I recognized your voice. How often were you in my room?"
Wilson," No, you're wasting a question. I have a better one."
Wilson, [Serious.] Why steal my pad?
House," Oh my God, you're right! I'm an addict. Thanks for opening my eyes."
Wilson," [Shaking his head.] No, I mean, why my pad? Foreman, Cameron and Chase's pads are just as convenient. But their association with you is involuntary. They're employees. I associate with you through choice and any relationship that involves choice, you have to see how far you can push before it breaks."
House," This is easy. You ask the questions, answer them and make tasty snacks. [Gets up.] Let's go try the casino."
Wilson," And one day, our friendship will break and it'll just prove your theory that relationships are conditional and you don't need huMan connection or deserve it or whatEver goes on in that rat maze of your brain."
House," [To Gabe.] Sorry. If I'd known he was gonna be this annoying, I'd have stolen Dr. Cameron's pad and Dr. Foreman's car. She appreciates my brooding melancholy."
House, [Whiny-voice.] House's House of whining. State your complaint.
Foreman, Patient's BP just dropped like a stone.
House, Do an echo. Mercury isn't likely to damage the...
Foreman, It didn't. Mercury test was negative.
House, [Grimly.] Do an echo.
House," I was wrong. Your son's still dying. I need to go over Every relative you Ever had again. This time, forget their diseases, just tell me how they died. We don't have time to take turns."
House," Give me the answers, you get a big one at the end. Go for whatEver you want. Destroy my privacy, my dignity."
House, Your grandmother?
Gabe, Heat exhaustion. Fourth of July picnic. The Woman was 92.
Wilson," [Into phone, pained] Does anyone in the kitchen know the hoagie shop that used to be on St. James' place?"
House," Your sister-in-law with diabetes. As far as you know, she's still alive?"
Gabe, She's not. Killed in a traffic accident while driving home from a Phillies game; I'm sure lot of beer was consumed. Phillies lost!
House, Your father?
Gabe, Old age. Heart finally gave up.
House, Your wife's father?
Gabe, Hit-and-run. Walking the incontinent dog.
Wilson," [Into phone, hopefully.] Hi, you guys deliver? [Beat.] Lemme put it this way. If you deliver, there'll be a hundred dollar tip in it for you."
Wilson, [Into the phone.] Excellent! [To Gabe.] Victory.
Gabe," [Laughs.] The night is finally going my way. Wilson, toss me a soda."
Tritter, Should we go somewhere to talk?
Foreman, [Sighs and ignores the question.] House is an ass. But he obviously needs pain medication. How much pain one person feels is not a call the government should be making.
Tritter," So you think I'm a bureaucrat with a badge, following some arbitrary guideline?"
Foreman, [Pretends to think about it.] Yeah. I do.
Tritter," So you're saying I should, just trust him. Do you?"
Foreman, You're not qualified to make...
Tritter, I'm not sure you are either.
Tritter, I've been a cop for twenty years. Not a day goes by that someone doesn't try to sell me some self-serving story.
Tritter," If you had my job, you'd know. [Beat.] Everybody lies."
Gabe," Think you've run out of relatives. So, it's my turn."
Gabe, Why did you become a doctor?
House," That's the big question? I give you complete license to humiliate me and that's the best you can do. Well, okay. Let's discuss the wonder of the huMan body."
Gabe," No, no, no. You're a curious guy. You like to figure things out. Why not go into research? Why work with people when you obviously hate people."
House, Oedipal fixation. I was seeking my mother's love and she thought that Ben Casey was just the dreamiest.
Gabe," All right, fine. You don't think you'll need any more answers from me? Give me a hard time."
House," When I was fourteen, my father was stationed in Japan. I went rock-climbing with this kid from school. He fell, got injured and I had to bring him to the hospital. We came in through the wrong entrance, passed this guy in the hall. It was a janitor. Friend came down with an infection and doctors didn't know what to do. So they brought in the janitor. He was a doctor and a buraku; one of Japan's untouchables. His ancestors had been slaughterers, gravediggers. And this guy knew that he wasn't accepted by the staff, didn't Even try, didn't dress well, he didn't pretend to be one of them. The people around that place, they didn't think that he had anything they wanted, except when they needed him. Because he was right; which meant that nothing else mattered, they had to listen to him."
Chase," 'Kyou. [It's ""Thank you"", not the other thing!!!]"
Chase, Need twenty milligrams of diazepam in a syringe!
Cameron, Heart beat's irregular and accelerating!
Cameron, It's at two hundred!
Chase, He's gonna crash!
Cameron, Allergic reaction to diazepam?!
Chase, Better hope so! Either that or his heart's done!
House, What happened on the night of the fire?
House," Yeah, sure it's a stressful, emotional question. Suck it up!"
Gabe," My wife had taken a sleeping pill and gone to bed. It was Christmas Eve. Kyle popped corn in the fireplace. He Managed to knock loose some tinder. Wrapping paper caught on fire. Spread so fast. I got Kyle outta there. When I went back in for... [Chokes, takes a beat, then.]"
Wilson, You're a disappointment.
Wilson, You act as though you don't need anybody. You just blame your son for what happened.
Gabe, [Sitting up.] I don't blame him. He was a twelve-year-old boy. You don't blame a kid for an accident.
Wilson, Then what are we doing here? Why aren't you with him?
Gabe," [Yelling.] Because it wouldn't matter! [Gets up and walks around, still yelling.] I failed to keep my family safe! I couldn't stop the fire, I couldn't save my wife! [Getting angrier.] Now you want me to stick around watParkng while I fail to save my son?! [Through clenched teeth.] Thank you so much for waking me up!!"
House, How did your son dislodge the tinder?
Gabe, He dropped the popcorn tray. He had been complaining it was too heavy. I should have listened.
House," And the hit-and-run, walking the pissy dog. That happen at night?"
Gabe," [Cooling down a bit.] I think so, yeah. Why?"
House, Car accident after the Phillies lost. Night game?
House," Ragged Red Fiber. It's an inherited condition. Dropping things, muscle weakness, poor night-vision. These people seem uncoordinated and accident-prone. Careless. It's transmitted in mitochondrial DNA, so it only passes through the mother. Your wife's family weren't drunks, they were sick."
Wilson, It wouldn't have affected his liver.
House, The kid is a drunk. Thinks that he killed his mother and turned his father into a vegetable. I might have a few shots myself.
Foreman, [From phone.] Foreman.
House, Test his DNA for Ragged Red Fiber.
Foreman, It's not gonna...
House, Here's a thought. Why don't we not assume that the test is negative 'til we actually do it.
Foreman," House. The kid has sEvere cardiomyopathy. Alcoholic and no shot of a transplant. So yeah, maybe you figured out why. Good for you, but he's gonna die anyway."
Gabe, [Decisively.] I want to give Kyle my heart.
Gabe," This thing, whatEver it is. You said he gets it from the mother. My heart's fine."
Wilson, And it could go on being fine for the rest of your life.
House, Yeah. 'S not like he's gonna do anything with it.
Wilson," [Standing.] Well, you woke him up once. Maybe, someone will come up with some other answer. We've both seen breakthroughs no one expected. [To Gabe.] And Ragged Red Fiber's treatable, but not curable. Even if he gets your heart, there's no guarantee."
Gabe, He's my kid.
Cuddy, No! Did you really expect a different answer?
House, We have arranged transplants before when a Patient is near death.
Cuddy," Except he isn't near death. He's saying ""Kill me and cut out my heart"". Are you out of your mind?"
House, Fine. I'll think of something else.
Cuddy, I'm sorry.
House," Wilson, get out."
Wilson," [Firm, yet unsure.] No."
House, You've lied to the cops enough for me. Maybe I don't wanna push this 'til it breaks.
House, Pills are the simplest. Hanging has less chance of damaging the heart.
Gabe, [Thinks about it.] I'm okay with pain.
House, Strangulation's better than breaking your neck. Which means this'll be slow.
Gabe," [Sighs.] I wouldn't get to see him Even if we got in a car right now and broke the speed limit, driving back, would I?"
House, [Small shake of his head.] No.
Gabe," [Nod.] Tell him... [Long beat.] I don't know what to tell him. [Sighs.] Think it's my turn to ask a question, isn't it?"
House, I don't think so. 'Cause you've just asked me that thing about the speed limit.
House, What do you wanna know?
Gabe," If you could hear one thing from your father, what would it be?"
House, I wouldn't help you.
Gabe, Try me.
House," I'd want him to say, ""You were right. You did the right thing""�."
Gabe," [Smiles.] Yeah, it doesn't help."
Wilson, Hi.
 SCHAEFFER, Hi.
Wilson, [Clearly enunciating.] I'm Dr. Wilson.
 SCHAEFFER, I'm Mrs. Schaeffer.
Wilson, I'm from Princeton.
 SCHAEFFER, [Trying to blow him off gently.] My husband and I and our three Parkldren are from Philadelphia.
Wilson," So, uhh, do you like to swing?"
 SCHAEFFER, No.
Wilson," Well, if you change your mind, I'm in..."
Wilson, House! House!
Wilson, Is it Room 622? 642?
Wilson, [To Mrs. Schaeffer.] It's 622.
 SCHAEFFER, [Get lost.] Yeah.
Wilson, [Explaining.] Alibi.
House, I figured.
Cuddy, They found an open bottle of Aspirin by the body. Lucky he had a headache. Reduced trauma to the heart in transit.
House, [Expressionless nod.] Lucky.
KYLE, That can't be all.
House," Well, you got a heart out of it. How Many organs do want from the guy?"
KYLE," I mean, my father must have said something. He couldn't just... he must have given you some kind of a message for me."
House, [Beat.] He said you were right. You did the right thing.
KYLE, [Confused.] Right about what? What does that mean?
House, How should I know? He's your dad.
House, You know what I found interesting about this case?
Wilson," That it proved people can love unconditionally and you can tell yourself it's not true, but you'll just end up in a hotel room in Atlantic City, asking someone to cut your heart out?"
House, The hoagie.
House, You thought this guy was emotionally confused and the hoagie was just a mask to hide his real feelings towards his son.
Wilson, It was. Did you know Tritter was talking to your team while we were away?
House, Yeah. Yet you moved heaven and earth to get him that mask with mustard and proscuitto.
Wilson, Which one of them told you?
House," All of them. Which means that none of them said anything that I have to worry about. Now, back to the hoagie. You think that my addiction's out of hand? Your need to be needed is so strong that you give people what they want, what they need, what they think they need."
Wilson, I don't think my enabling is anything you should be complaining about.
Wilson," [Into the phone] Yes, my name is Dr. Wilson, account number 835687. The ATM says I've got zero [Beat.] What does that mean? A hold? [Beat.] Yeah, okay. Thanks."
[Beta Comment," Whose account number is six numbers long? Mine is like sixteen and I need to know the special three digit number on the back of the card, my social security number, my mom's maiden name AND promise them my first born before they'll admit I Even have an account let alone give me info like that.]"
Wilson, [Sighs.] My accounts have been frozen as part of a police investigation.
House, [Trying to be supportive.] They can't keep your money forEver.
Wilson," No, they can keep it 'til I agree to help send you prison for ten years. [Sighs again.] You're getting dinner."
JACK, You've already had three.
JACK, I got a birthday. Get it yourself.
JACK, All right! Who's ready to sing the Ralphie's Rumpus Birthday Rum-shake?
 JACK, [singing] Let's sing! Let's ride!
RALPHIE," [normal voice, quietly] You okay, Man?"
S POV, The kids clap and yell in excitement. They all appear to be moving in slow motion. Ralphie's huge squirrel-head comes into view.]
RALPHIE, You okay?
S POV, The kids seem a bit concerned about Jack.]
RALPHIE," OK, all right. Let's get you in the back. C'mon. [addressing the kids in ""Ralphie""-voice] It's okay, kids. Sorry."
[CGI POV, Zoom through Jack's chest.The heart beats a couple of times and then... just stops. We hear defibrillator paddles charging up and see an electric shock going through the heart.]
Wilson, I was not Parked illegally. I... I live here.
Officer, [pulls out the warrant from the clipboard] Love note... from Detective Tritter.
Foreman, Heart attack. His cath was clean and echo showed no functional abnormalities.
Cameron," Fatigue, night sweats, weight loss preceded the heart attack. Eighteen-year-old kid. Suddenly an orphan _and_ a single father of two."
House," [looking at the file, loudly] Party of five! Powerful stuff. The OC of its day. Stress explains Everything except the itchy feet."
Cameron, Athlete's foot covers that. Waiters work twelve hours a day in old sneakers.
House, Hmm. Good idea. Ignore the symptoms. Makes your job easy.
Cameron, [protesting] I'm not ignoring the symptom. I'm explaining a symptom.
Foreman," Kid's been hanging over a toilet despite anti-emetic therapy. Persistent vomiting could indiCate increased intra-cranial pressure, tumour..."
House," Sure. Heart pRoblems, gotta be the brain. Thank God there's a neurologist in the room."
Foreman, [deadpan] Right. It's the feet. If only I was a podiatrist.
Chase," PRobably got an intestinal virus from one of those feral kids running around. Repeated vomiting causes an electrolyte imbalance which leads to an arrhythmia, which leads to the heart attack..."
Chase, [continued] ...and itchy feet.
House, Nope! [slaps the envelope down on the table]
Chase, That's... it? Nope?
House, I've said too much already.
Foreman," This isn't a game, House."
House," No, it's not. But it could be."
Foreman, [testily] What are you writing?
House, [still writing] Nothing.
Chase," If you know the diagnosis, why don't you...?"
House," [finishes writing, sits back upright] How are you gonna learn to swim unless I take off your floaties and throw you into shark-infested waters?"
Cameron, You can't know what's wrong after a thirty second perusal of his file.
House," Apparently you can't. Now what's a game without rules? Uhh, no tagbacks, no biting, you get one test each and the clock runs until lunch."
House," If I'm right, he'll still be alive. If I'm wrong, it's a very cruel game."
Lawyer, You're late. I charge from the time you're supposed to be here.
Wilson, Tritter towed my car. He's frozen my assets. He's on a crusade.
Lawyer, [opening his briefcase] You're a person-of-interest in a narcotics investigation. You're linked to their suspect and his activities.
Wilson, [upset] I'm not Pablo Escobar's evil henchMan cruising into Miami in a cigarette boat. I'm a physician who prescribed Vicodin to a pain Patient.
Lawyer," [holding up a sheet of paper] This police report you faxed me, says they found six hundred pills in his apartment. You prescribe those?"
Wilson, [exasperated] He's in chronic pain. This is obviously an abuse of power.
Lawyer, Is that a yes or a no?
Wilson, [with restraint] Patients build up a tolerance over the years...
Lawyer, Perfect motive for him to forge those scrips. Still don't have an answer.
Wilson," What, are we like role-playing?"
Lawyer," [packing his briefcase] Yeah. And you suck at it. Which is really unfortunate, because you're pretending to be you. I gotta get to court."
Wilson, Michael told me you could help me get my car back.
Lawyer, Yeah... divorce Lawyers usually know the ins and outs of drug enforcement. You want your car back? You're gonna have to give the cops what they want.
Wilson, [mock-gratitude] Thanks. Usually people feel helpless in these situations.
Lawyer," Dr. House is pRobably going to jail. You keep on lying for him, you'll go right along with him."
Chase," [holding Jack's file] House was on this page when he got that annoying ""I'm-such-a-genius"" look."
Cameron, What's that?
Chase, Patient history.
Foreman," He's eighteen. PRobably drinks, smokes, does drugs. How close am I?"
Chase, [reading] Quit drugs when his parents died. Quit smoking.
Chase," House didn't mock my viral idea. He just said it was wrong. Which means he didn't want to give reasons, which means I must have been close. [perking up] I'm thinking bacteria. I'm doing a blood culture."
Foreman, I am doing an MRI.
Cameron," If it was a tumour, intra-cranial pressure could cause his brain to herniate [mocking] before lunch."
Foreman, Same thing with the stress test.
Cameron, Which is why I'm ditParkng it.
Chase, What are you doing instead?
Cameron, [smug] Not telling.
Foreman," Seriously, you're playing his game?"
Cameron, We're all playing his game. Might as well enjoy it.
Chase, Anybody else sick at work?
WILL, [looking up from his homework] I had a stomach-ache before him.
JACK," This isn't your fault, Will. Keep working."
WILL, [indignantly] My brother's in the hospital. Mrs. Tully won't care if I finish my homework.
JACK, Your brother cares if you finish your homework.
House, [juts his head towards Will] Can I be your imaginary friend?
Chase, [reassuring] He's a doctor.
House, [to Jack] How're the feet? They still itch?
JACK, Uhm... is that important?
House, I don't know. [to Chase] Is it?
House, What kinda drugs you into?
Chase, [quickly] You don't have to talk about that right now.
JACK," [unaffected] No, that's okay. I don't keep secrets from them. They know I did drugs before our parents died."
House, ClEver. Admit the past. Deny the present.
JACK," I'm clean. I'm raising two kids. It'd be pretty irresponsible, wouldn't it?"
House, But confiding it in eight-year-olds is okay.
JACK," If I'm open with them, then they'll be open with me."
House, Shyeah! Turning the other cheek's a good strategy in boxing. Kids don't lie because they have trust issues. They lie because they have something to hide. [looking down at Will] Look at him. Sitting there doing nothing. He's still lying.
WILL, We don't lie to Jack.
House, Spelling test you failed or forgot to...?
WILL, [coolly] No.
House, Math test?
WILL, [still cool] No.
House, Fight with the kid sitting next to you?
WILL, He doesn't sit next to me.
House, The other one's pRobably having sex.
KAMA, I am not!
House," Yet. But when you start, you're gonna lie about it."
House, Colder.
Foreman," [singsong] I'm not playing. [into microphone] Keep very still, Jack. This won't take long."
House, [into mic] How much dope did you smoke?
JACK, Does he have to be here?
Foreman, [into mic] No. Ignore him. [to House] 'S not his lungs.
House, NEver said it was. [into mic] What about cigarettes? How'd you quit? Gum? Patch? Hypnosis?
House, [to Foreman] He went from two packs to nothing. Cold turkey.
House," Or we could just make small talk. You still seeing that nurse in Paeds? I just don't think she's right for you. You need someone detached, calculating, ambitious. You need yourself in a skirt."
Foreman," Jack, he asked you a question."
JACK, I didn't really quit. Just sorta lost taste for it.
House, Hmm. Interesting. Sounds like one of those symptom thingies.
Foreman, He's still puking and he had a heart attack aaand... itchy feet! It's not his lungs.
House, NEver said it was.
House, [exaggerated shivering] Brrr! Ice-cold.
Cameron, I'm injecting your [?] to see if your heart attack was caused by a spasm in the vessels surrounding your
Cameron, Let me know if anything feels...
Cameron, Unusual.
JACK," If the pRoblems are at my heart, why did that other doctor look at my brain?"
House, Yeah. [to Cameron] Why did that other doctor look at his brain?
Cameron," [ignoring House, to Jack] We're just trying to eliminate as Many possibilities as we can. [glares at House]"
House," So because you think a spasm causes heart attacks, you're gonna induce another spasm? [to Jack] Did you consent to this?"
Cameron, [encouragingly] Everything's under control. Tests are gonna identify which arteries are affected so we can repair them.
House, Your meds don't seem to be doing anything. So either you're wrong... or his system hasn't been pushed enough to set anything off.
Cameron," You wanna get back home, right? I mean, you're pRobably already falling behind with the Housework, bills."
Cameron," [wide-eyed, smiling] How Many sick days you think you'll get before they replace you?"
House, Heart rate's up. Nothing else.
JACK, They can't fire me if I'm sick.
Cameron, Right! You're irreplaceable. Who else would they find qualified to dance with a rodent?
Cameron," [voice rising] How can you Even support your family? What happens when those kids grow out of their clothes, when they get sick?"
House, Still no spasm.
Cameron," [getting in Jack's face] They'll take those kids away from you, Jack. Maybe I should bring them in here right now so that you can kiss them... goodbye!"
House, [mock-scolding] Can't you see his heart is fine?! Stop torturing him! What kind of doctor are you?
Cuddy, [off-screen to someone] Wonderful. Thank you so much. I'll be back.
Cuddy, You're just getting here?
Wilson, [irritably] Buses suck.
Cuddy, Where's your car?
Wilson, It's a hostage! Tritter wants me to testify against House.
Cuddy, You're not going to?
Wilson, Is that a question or an order?
Cuddy, Any sort of conviction will cost House his license.
Wilson, Which will cost this hospital. Relax. I'm not gonna mess with your precious resource. I told my Lawyer to tell Tritter to go to hell. Marko!!
Wilson, [loudly] Why are all my prescriptions getting bounced back?!
MARKO," Sorry, Dr. Wilson. I was trying to call you. Where's your phone?"
Wilson," In my car. My Patients, on the other hand, are here and need their medications."
MARKO," I'm sorry, I can't. [whispering] Your DEA number's been suspended."
House, Why so sad? Still a chance that Chase got it right.
House, Ohh! That was suspenseful for about two seconds.
House, Blood culture was negative for bacteria.
Chase, Positive for Hepatitis A?
House," [stroking his stubble] Hmm! I wonder who could've ordered that extra test? Must be somebody who knew what persistent vomiting, sudden distaste for nicotine and itchy feet have in common."
Foreman, Hep-A doesn't explain the heart attack.
House," No, but as Chase so deftly pointed out earlier, puking does. And Hep-A explains the puking. If this had been real-life, instead of just games..."
Wilson, The DEA just revoked my prescription privileges.
House, But who's gonna prescribe my Vicodin?
Wilson," [deadpan] Yes, well, that's why I'm here. This is a disaster for you."
House, Relax. Tritter's just getting desperate. He's got no real evidence. He's trying to squeeze you into ratting.
Wilson, I'm not gonna let him squeeze my Patients.
House, They'll be fine. Also your cancer medicine sucks anyway.
Wilson, I'm gonna use your team to do my prescribing till this is straightened out.
House, [looking at the envelope in his hand] Suddenly this doesn't seem nearly as dramatic.
House, Go pump IVIG into the kid. Cure him and get him out of here.
Wilson, Hep-A?
Cameron," [taken aback] No. ""Chase - Blood test for bacteria. Foreman - MRI, too stubborn to check the lungs. Cameron - nice try, no spasm."""
JACK," ""But the princess sat, and sat, and sat, [speaking towards Kama] pretending not to listen, pretending to write in her journal, with the flowers on it. Pretending she didn't like stories about eight-year-olds who save the world."
KAMA, [smiling] I'm elEven.
JACK, 'S why you can no longer save the world.
WILL, [eagerly] I'm eight!
JACK, [laughs] We're completely dependent on you.
Foreman, [brightly] 'Morning!
JACK, 'Morning.
Foreman, Good news. We can take you off the IVIG. The Hep-A has cleared your system. You'll be good to go by tomorrow.
JACK, So how do you think I got it?
Foreman, Could have been contaminated food. Could have been from cleaning the bathrooms at work. Or it could've been...
JACK, [smiling] Don't worry. They've heard it all.
Foreman," [leaning closer to Jack, whispering] Analingus is a common way."
Foreman, You should just tell the people that you've dated that they should get themselves checked.
JACK," Uhh, don't worry. I've been too busy chasing after these guys to go spelunking."
KAMA, [grinning] You're gross...
KAMA, ... I think.
WILL, Does your arm hurt?
JACK," Arm's fine, bro."
WILL, Then why is it bleeding?
JACK," It's not, it's..."
Foreman, Raise your arm above your head!
KAMA, [scared] Your ear...
KAMA, ... and your nose!
Foreman, [vo] High PT and PTT in Jack's blood panel confirm a coagulopathy.
House," So, we cured the Hep-A, something else pops up. Interesting."
House, What infections cause DIC?
Cameron, You okay?
House, rubbing his shoulder] Hurt my shoulder playing Fantasy Football.
House, Should we discuss what causes DIC or should we just send the kid back to his miserable life?
Foreman, He's not miserable.
House, Right. He's thrilled that his parents are dead and his life is over.
Cameron," The restaurant's pRob'ly teeming with E. Coli, Eikenella and strep."
Cameron, Kids don't wash their hands between a potty and the party and...
Chase, Or it's a food borne toxin. Jack eats at that cesspool Everyday.
Foreman, [skeptically] Jack's the only one who got sick?
Foreman," Kid's got tattoos, piercings and pRobably some nasty little girl loaned him the Hep-A. Could've also given him syphilis or gonorrhea."
Wilson, I need one of you.
House, Take Cameron. [to her] Your idea was dumb anyway.
House," Chase, I need you to head back to that ""cesspool"" and get me the kid's puke. [rubs his shoulder] Foreman, do an LP and have Cameron run down that potty-party theory."
Chase, Why don't I just test him?
House, [shiftily] Let's not discuss this in front of the help.
House," The amount of vomiting that kid did, would be enough toxins left in his system to show up in his blood. Since he vomited in the toilet here, instead of on somebody, that restaurant's our only source of essential vomit."
Chase, [suspicious] And you couldn't say that in front of Foreman?
House, No. I couldn't say this in front of Foreman. [pulls out his near-empty Vicodin bottle] I need a refill.
Chase, Detective Tritter knows about the scrips I wrote before.
House," Exactly. You stop now, it'll look suspicious."
Chase, Does anyone fall for that argument?
House, Write the scrip.
Chase, [firm] No.
House, One prescription isn't gonna...
Chase, We both know it's not gonna be just one. I'd rather lose my job than lose my license.
Wilson," [reading from a file] Daniel Silvers. Prostate cancer. Needs filgrastim, two weeks' supply. [opens another file] Andrea Donovan. Breast cancer. Just needs her refill of megestrol."
Wilson, You're not writing.
Cameron, You want me to write?
Wilson," Well, you could phone them in, but Eventually... yeah. PRobably somebody's gonna want something written down."
Cameron, [balking] I... haven't met these people.
Wilson, I have. I've diagnosed them and Everything.
Cameron, I know. [off Wilson's look] I know! I'm not saying I don't trust you.
Wilson, Just my diagnosis.
Cameron, These are gonna be my prescriptions.
Wilson, [getting upset] They're my Patients. My prescriptions.
Cameron," My name! That Tritter will read on the scrip. He wants to make you miserable, you don't think he's gonna ask questions?"
Chase, Is there anything Jack does that no one else does? Anything special duties?
RALPHIE," [looking into the dumpsters] No, we got lots of bussers."
Chase, What kinda cleaning products do you use?
RALPHIE," Well, we got a buncha kids running around, sticking Everything in their mouths, so we can't use anything toxic."
RALPHIE, That's it.[hands the squirrel head to Chase] Monday's trash.
Chase, So there's no one who can maybe help get the bags out?
RALPHIE, [smiling] Sorry. Short-handed.
Chase, I can tip.
RALPHIE," I'm pretty sure Jack's puke is in a blue trashbag with the wrapped gifts, but if you find spaghetti, that's the wrong vomit."
Wilson," [encouragingly] You're doing so much better on the Anastrazole, Beth. I'm reluctant to make a change."
BETH, [upset] I can't play with my daughter or pick her up from school. I can barely get up and tuck her in at night. There's got to be something else. [takes a sideways glance at Cameron.] Who is she?
Wilson," Well, as you know, this is a teaParkng hospital."
BETH, She's a student?
Cameron," [sitting upright] No, I'm a doctor."
Cameron, I'm assisting Dr. Wilson today.
BETH, Why? Do you think he got my diagnosis wrong?
Cameron," [uh-oh] No, I'm sure..."
Wilson, No. No. She's just consulting regarding my... prescriptions.
BETH," [turning to Cameron, incredulous] You think he got my meds wrong?"
Cameron, [deer in the headlights] No... it's just...
Wilson, [defensively] No!
BETH, [turns back to Wilson] Then why is she here?
KAMA, What are you doing now?
Foreman, Gonna get a sample of your brother's spinal fluid. Where's Will?
KAMA, School.
KAMA, Is that gonna hurt?
Foreman, It's gonna help us figure out what's making him sick. Shouldn't you be in class too?
KAMA, Teacher workday.
Foreman," [always the skeptic] For you, but not Will?"
KAMA," Yeah. Didn't make sense to me, either."
KAMA, Can I help?
Foreman," [thinks] Well, I guess it's quicker than calling a nurse... and a truant Officer. 'Kay, grab his shins, push his knees up towards his chest."
Foreman, Now hold them there tight.
KAMA, This all nurses do?
Foreman, [chuckles] My boss doesn't trust them to do anything else.
KAMA, Is he gonna die?
Foreman, No. No one's gonna die.
KAMA, [smart-ass] In the whole world Ever? That's so great.
Foreman, [chuckles] I meant...
KAMA, I know what you meant. But I also know bad things do happen. My dad always had a few drinks when theu went out. Always said he'd be okay to drive. [shrugs sadly] Until he wasn't. I would just like some warning this time.
Foreman, We're nowhere near anything like that happening right now.
Foreman, Okay?
Foreman, Let's get him back over.
[CGI POV, Fast zoom into Jack's right side. The rib snaps clean off.]
KAMA, What was that?! What'd you do?
House, You broke his rib?
Foreman, I barely touched him.
House, Which means... [a slight cracking sound is heard] Oww!
NURSE, [smug] Found it.
House, Fix it! Osteomyelitis. Means the infection's spread to his bones. Which means it's either bacterial or viral and not... [grimaces and yells] Oww! [to the nurse] I hired you to take away the pain. Is there some confusion?
NURSE, Ever thought about using your cane one the proper side?
House," Yeah, that's the issue. Friday night, my cane suddenly noticed it was on the wrong side."
House, [to Foreman] Can you score me some Vicodin?
Foreman, [without hesitation] No. I did a needle aspiration to confirm whether...
House, How long till the cultures...?
House, Why do you only do that when I'm talking.
NURSE, You gotta rest your shoulder.
NURSE, And we're gonna get you on some different equipment.
Cameron, Nice cane.
House, [salaciously] If I know what you mean. [exaggerated wink] Chase you can stop doing that.
Chase, I'm almost finished.
Foreman, He's got osteomyelitis. Means you're wrong about food-borne toxins.
Foreman, Aaaand... [to Cameron] You can stop too. It's syphilis.
Cameron, You sure? [looks in the microscope again]
Foreman, [holding out the paper] Read the printout.
Cameron, He's also positive for Eikenella.
Chase, One of you two screwed up.
Foreman, No.
Cameron, [defensively] Not a chance.
House, [looking back up] Or this kid is a lot sicker than we thought. [to Chase] Finish that test. Should be impossible to get two right answers to one question.
Foreman, It's okay to have three?
Chase," Apparently, he's positive for botulism too."
House, Sooo... we knock down one infection and three more pop up.
House, I think this game is rigged.
KAMA, Jack? [panicked] Somebody help!
Foreman," [vo] We Managed to clear all three infections out of his system, but now he's having seizures Every few"
House, He's gotta be immuno-compromised.
Chase, No. White count was normal and he was negative for HIV.
House," Well, if he's not immuno-compromised, why is he acting like he's immuno-compromised? What do the seizures"
Foreman, Nothing. There were no structural abnormalities on the CT. Non-focal neuro exam. No electrolyte imbalance. Nothing.
House, What do unexplained seizures and really sick eighteen-year-olds have in common?
Foreman, You're thinking trauma?
House," [lifting his head up, clutParkng his shoulder] I'm thinking drugs. [gets up] He's an admitted user. Drugs crashed his immune system."
Cameron, Tox screen was clean.
House, [putting on his suit] Clean tox screen means there's no drugs in his blood or urine. There could still be drugs trapped in his fat cells from the good old days.
Chase," If they were in his fat, why would they be affecting him now?"
House, A keen observer would notice that he's had some digestive issues lately.
House, His weight loss could've burned off fat cells and released the drugs back into his system.
Foreman, 'S no way to know. It's impossible to test fat cells for drugs.
House, But it's not impossible to make him lose more weight.
Chase," You want us to starve him, so we can drive him into another seizure and maybe a heart attack, just so we can run another tox screen?"
House, That'd be cruel. Just sweat it out of him.
JACK, I haven't touched a thing since the night my parents died.
Foreman, [too steamed to talk] Drugs stay in your system a long time.
JACK, I was high the night the cops came to tell us what had happened. You know the first thing I did when they told me? I laughed. I'm not the person I was when they died. I wish they could see that.
Chase, I'm sure that they're watParkng and I'm sure they're proud.
JACK, That's what Will's guidance counsellor keeps telling me.
Foreman, What do you tell him?
JACK," I tell him it's crap. Our parents live on in our memories, they don't live on."
Chase, Jack?
Cameron, Hold him still!
Chase, Don't break his arm!
Cameron, We'll fix it. We need to get a sample.
Foreman, House! Bad news.
House, Look at you. Couldn't have sent Cameron down here to this air-conditioned hallway to deliver the bad news?
Foreman," Jack seized again. But his blood was clean, completely drug-free."
House, So he just happened to have a seizure at the exact time that we stuck him in a sauna.
Foreman, It's not a coincidence. He's still seizing Every four hours whether we stick him in a sauna or not.
House, [dramatic] Oh my God! Why're you using that?
ELDERLY GUY, I've had it for years.
House," No, that's... [shakes his head] that's gonna make your shoulder hurt. You need one of these."
Foreman, [to elderly guy] He's a doctor. [gives him a thumbs-up]
House, Is he still infection-free? [chucks away the sling]
Foreman, I'm sure not for long.
House," My point being, did something other than those infections cause those seizures? Means there's something in his head. Scan him."
Foreman, We scanned him.
House," Well, that was then. This is ""not then"". Kid keeps changing. Scan him again. Where is Cameron?"
Cameron, I'm not writing you a scrip for Vicodin.
House, I've only got two pills left.
Cameron, [tying up her hair] Cut 'em in half. Then you'll have four.
House, You're prescribing for Wilson. Wilson prescribes for me. Write up the scrip.
Cameron, [arms on hips] You know you have a pRoblem.
House," Yeah, it's got a badge and Everything."
Cameron, You're taking too much...
House, [exasperated] Fine! You're right! What's the correct amount? Write up a scrip for the correct amount.
House," No answer? That's 'cause we're having the wrong Debate. [picks up her sweaty scrubs and hands them to her] This has got nothing to do with my pRoblem and Everything to do with you avoiding the pRoblem. You're afraid that if you write me a prescription, you're gonna wind up like Wilson."
Cameron, [indignant] Of course I am.
House," Tritter wants to win by giving pain. Do you really wanna be a part of that? As a doctor, how do you do that?"
Cameron, [closing her locker] Here. [tosses the pills to House] This'll tide you over. Takes the edge off my PMS. Do wonders for you.
JACK, Why are you looking at my head again?
Foreman, Seizures usually indiCate something neurological.
JACK," [more a statement than a question] I'm not gonna get better, am I?"
Foreman, We'll know more after the test.
JACK, If y'all found out I couldn't take care of Will and Kama...
Foreman," Let's not get ahead of ourselves, okay? You'll be home, yelling at 'em and kicking their butts before you know it."
Foreman, This kid might be facing a terminal disease and he's more worried about his brother and sister.
Chase, [looking at monitor] Brain stem's clean.
Cameron, [looking at her monitor] Nothing in the mid-brain.
Foreman," [looking at Chase's monitor] What's that? Frontal lobe, upper right quadrant."
Cameron, I don't see anything.
Foreman," [pointing to a white spot] There. It's tiny, but... think it's a tumour."
Chase, That size should be excisable. Why didn't we see it earlier? How...?
Cameron," [looking at her monitor] Oh God. Axial view, there's another one. Bring up the next slice."
Foreman, [sighs ominously] They're Everywhere.
Foreman, Jack's brain is riddled with tumours. And you know what he's doing?
House, Moaning?
Foreman, Setting up playdates.
House," Wow, whattaguy! Theories?"
Cameron," The obvious one. Brain cancer destroyed his immune system, left him wide open for these infections."
Foreman," House, you're pathetic. You analyse anyone's faults, hypocrisies, weaknesses. But this kid's got some strength and, all of a sudden, there's no time to talk about anything but the medicine."
House," He's teaParkng prepubescent kids that truth matters, God doesn't and life sucks. I like him. Treatment?"
Chase, We need to start him on radiation.
House, It'll destroy whatEver's left of his immune system.
Foreman, [frustrated] And save his life! I know the notion of self-sacrifice is foreign to you...
House," You wanna think that he's sacrificing himself because if one person could do it, then maybe the world isn't a cold, selfish place you know that it is."
House, Radiation could kill him. Alternatives?
Chase, There aren't any. We saw the tumours.
House, We could choose to say they aren't tumours. They're just pus. Which would explain why they weren't there yesterday.
Cameron," It can't be an infection. He got IVIG, broad-spectrum antibiotics..."
House, Exactly. Creates a perfect world for fungus.
House," Moves in, gets married, has little fungi."
Foreman," If you're wrong about the fungus, you're wasting what little time he has left."
House," Not a big sacrifice. His life sucks. So let's be right. Go stick a needle in the kid's head. You suck out a liquid, then I'm right and we haven't answered anything. You suck out a solid, you're right. No more worrying about playdates."
House," Okay, fine! I'll father your Parkld."
House, First you gotta write me a Vicodin prescription. Just so I can get through the foreplay.
Cuddy," [oh, she's enjoying this!] How Many days do you have left?"
House," [pretends to think] Uhh, I could pRobably get through maybe... [tilts his head to the right] next minute or so."
Cuddy, And your coming to me means your lackeys actually stood up to you. I'm impressed.
House, [nods] Yes. Their cowardice is inspiring.
Cuddy," Well, you should be thanking them. If they caved, it'd give the cops evidence that you intimidated underlings to feed your addiction."
House," [sighs] I hate writing ""Thank You"" notes. Would it be weird if I asked Cameron to write them?"
House, [can't beliEve it] You're hooking me up?
Cuddy," Unfortunately, if I cut you off, it'd give the cops evidence that you don't really need the pain meds."
House, [overjoyed] I knew that cleavage was a smokescreen. You're a genius.
Cuddy, [pulls back the scrip] You can't lift your arm?
House, [state-the-obvious contest] You can't pee standing up. Gimme.
Cuddy, You been doing physio? Maybe you pulled...
House," Yeah, been training for Pants-Off Dance-Off. Gimme the scrip."
Cuddy, Your shoulder pRoblem isn't physical.
House," [exasperated] Well, we'll find out if you Ever give me the..."
Cuddy, What's new? What's different? Any big changes in your life recently? Fight with the wife maybe?
Cuddy, It's good. Means your shoulder's a huMan being. It's a start.
Cuddy," [smiling] I'm right, right?"
House, Yeah! Just not about me.
House," I was right, right?"
Foreman, They were abscesses from a fungal infection. Aspergillis. But we still have no idea why.
House, [sighs] Our kid's immune-system has a factory defect. It's genetic.
Cameron, It can't be genetic. He would've been getting infections since he was an infant.
House, Not if he grew up in a bubble.
Chase, Or if he grew up on Mars. No germs there either.
House," I don't mean a literal bubble. A sweet, suburban bubble, where the mommies and daddies protect their Parkldren. They die, bubble bursts. Continuing emotional trauma triggers a genetic illness. Question is: which one? [hangs his cane on the whiteboard] The infections he's contracted narrowed down the possibilities. [writes on whiteboard] Hep-A indiCates a pRoblem with his B-cells."
Chase, Bruton's Agammaglobulinemia.
House, [writes] Eikenella.
Foreman, Points to complement deficiency.
Wilson, I have a Patient. I need...
House, [turning to his whiteboard] Not now!
Cameron, I'll go. [turns to leave]
House, You'll stay.
House, Patient's dying.
Wilson, So's mine.
House, Not in the next hour.
House, What does the syphilis tell us?
House," [turning to her, loudly] What does it tell us?!"
Cameron, [sighs] It could mean Chronic Granulomatous Disease.
Chase, The Aspergillis is a T-cell issue. Common Variable Immunodeficiency. [pauses to watch Wilson walk out]
Chase, [quickly] Genetic testing's gonna take time. Given the rate he's picked up infections...
House, Why don't we turn it into a race?
Foreman, Little late to be playing games with us.
House," Not you guys, the infections."
Cameron, What infections?
House, The infections we're gonna give him.
JACK, The only way to cure me is to make me sicker?
House, Each of the possible four genetic conditions is most susceptible to different types of infections.
JACK, [unsure] What's that?
House," This is a cocktail of serratia, meningococcis, cepacia and rhinovirus. WhichEver germ gains the most ground, plants the flag with its leader, gives us our answer."
JACK, And how are you gonna know which one gains the most ground?
House," Now that's the fun part. See if the meningococcis is King of the Hill, you get to have another seizure. Serratia will shut down your lungs. If it's cepacia, you'll have a heart attack. If it's the rhinovirus,... you'll sneeze. [shrugs] Can't all be dramatic. We good?"
JACK, [scared witless] Hell no.
House, Only alternative is we guess. And there's a three-out-of-four chance that your little brother and sister will get to cry over another coffin.
House, Study fractions in school? [repeating] We good?
House," [conspiratorially] Oh, and this... test isn't exactly FDA-approved. So, just keep it our little secret. Okay?"
[CGI POV, Zoom into Jack's chest and then into his lungs. His lungs are shutting down. Zoom out of his mouth.]
Cuddy, Ahem. Little Orphan Annie and Oliver Twist slept in our hallways last night.
House, [mouth-full] Were they seen?
Cuddy," They're Parkldren, they need a guardian."
House, He couldn't find a baby-sitter. On account of not being able to make any phone calls on account of not being able to breathe on account of his lungs filling up with serratia. He has Chronic Granulomatosis Disease. Game over. My work is done.
Cuddy, Then he's gonna keep getting sick. You gotta call Social Services.
House, Bone marrow transplant would reboot his whole immune-system. He'll be healthy enough to win Miserable-Daddy-of-the-Year.
Cuddy, So see if one of his kids is a match.
House, My kids are already testing his kids.
Foreman, [vo] Will's a match.
JACK, You tested him? I nEver consented for that.
Foreman, It's just a blood draw. There's no danger.
JACK, To the testing. What about the surgery?
Foreman, The risk for Will? 'S next to nothing.
JACK, [sighs] What if I don't do it? What are my other options?
Foreman," You're immune-system can't fight off the germs we all come into contact with Everyday. Now that we know, we can use more targeted medications. But you'll still get sick all the time. You'll be in and out of hospitals..."
JACK, But I'll live.
Foreman," Jack, your life-span will be substantially shortened. And you'll be too sick to care for your brother and sister anymore."
JACK, You shouldn't have pressured him into doing...
Foreman, There's no pressure.
JACK," He's eight years old! You tell him his brother's dying, unless he helps. What do you think he's gonna say?"
Foreman, He wants to help you.
JACK, He has no idea. It's like you asked him to let me play with one of his toys. This is surgery. He could die.
Foreman, He'll be fine. But you... [sighs] You're gonna have a hard time protecting him like this if you're dead.
JACK, [thinks] I'll do it...
JACK, [continuing] ...when Will's eighteen and can decide for himself.
Foreman, [shaking his head] Noble.
House, Moronic.
House, It's a synonym.
Foreman, Why can't you accept he wants to protect his brother?
House, _Has_ to protect his brother. Doesn't want to. Wants to run screaming from protecting his brother.
Foreman," [shakes his head] You're a hypocrite. [smirks wrily, exaggeratedly imitating House] ""Evidence is Everything. Truth is all that matters."" [now himself] Except when it comes to people. Everything we've learned about this kid says you're wrong, [playing with fuzzball] but you can't accept that. It's easy to reject the diagnosis. Not so easy to reject your misanthropy. Because then you'd have to give people a fighting chance. And that... scares the crap out of you."
House, Okay. [pulls his suit off his chair and grabs his cane] Let's get some evidence.
House," It's your lucky day! I just found another donor in the registry. Perfect match. We can do the transplant, no danger to the rugrat. [puts the red file in front of him] Just have to sign here."
House, Unless there's another reason you don't want it.
JACK, There's a chance I'd die.
House," [shrugs] Chance you'd be cured. Maybe you don't want that either. Maybe hanging out in a hospital, getting waited on hand and foot reminds you what life used to be like before you were forced to play Mr. Mom."
JACK, I don't like being sick.
House, But you don't like being healthy either.
House, This is your way out. Guilt-free.
JACK, I said I'd do it when Will's eighteen.
House," When he's able to take care of himself, without you."
Foreman," Jack, your brother and sister need you."
JACK," [yelling] I know! I know Every second of Every day that they need me, but I'm too young to be their dad!"
House, [quietly] Good for you.
House," [as he passes Foreman, whispering] Don't pretend you're so surprised."
House, Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony?
House, C'mon. Mail can wait.
Wilson, I'm referring my Patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice.
House, [cynically] Oh good! I was afraid you would overreact.
Wilson, [yelling angrily] I can't just ask my Patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play!
House, Kept you waiting for maybe an hour.
Wilson, [yelling louder] Three hours!
House, Anybody die?
Wilson, [loudly] Not this time!
House," Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want."
Wilson," Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better?"
House," [rubbing his shoulder] Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough..."
Wilson, [almost screaming out in rage] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME!!
House, What do you want me to do? Turn myself in?
Wilson, YES!! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help!
House, [upset] I don't need help!
Wilson," [calming down, just about] House, get out of here. Get out of here."
House, You're not gonna make _me_ feel guilty about what Tritter is doing... to us. [gets up to leave]
Wilson," [laughs humourlessly] You already feel guilty. Your serious shoulder pain... isn't coming from your cane, it's coming from your conscience. And that used to be enough. Despite all your smart-ass remarks, I knew you gave a damn. This time, [shrugs] you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. I got my answer."
WILL, Who's gonna drive me to school? Help me with my homework?
JACK," There'll be a mom, where they take you. Real mom. Someone who can cook."
JACK, Don't worry. I'll still be able to see you guys.
KAMA, [voice breaking] You said you'd make him better.
Foreman, I'm sorry.
JACK, [choking] Thank you... for not telling them.
Foreman," You're a good kid. Three months from now, [shrugs] six months from now, you'll be visiting them and you won't be able to say goodbye. You're gonna know you screwed up. You'll take his bone marrow and you'll take 'em back. [sighs] They'll be a burden and a pain, and your life will nEver be what it was supposed to be.But you'll be proud of yourself. Your parents [nods] gonna be proud of you."
JACK, I don't think so.
Foreman," [sighs, then smirks and shrugs] It's what I wanna beliEve."
Rob," Alright, stand here."
Rob, You're just tall enough.
Alice," Uh, I don't- I don't think I am."
Rob, It just goes around. There's nothing to be scared of.
Alice, I didn't say I was scared.
Rob," You'll be fine. C'mon, when I was a kid, this was my favourite thing [big-eyed] Ever!"
Alice, I don't like rides!
Rob," Alright, alright, I just thought- I thought it'd be fun. I-I shouldn't be making you do this. Uhh, let's-let's go home, we can have fun at home."
Alice," [guilty] No, daddy, wait."
Alice, The ride does look like fun.
Rob, Whoa! This is awesome!
S POV, The ride moving faster as it picks up speed. Screams can be heard.]
S POV, Things now appear blurred and slow to her.]
Rob, Alice? Are you alright?
Rob," Honey, you alright? Alice! Alice, are you okay?!"
Rob, Nothing happened.
Edie, Something happened.
Rob, [defensive] It was a little kiddie-ride.
Edie, She hates those rides. I don't understand why you insist on making her...
Cameron," Okay! I appreciate the fullness of your answers, but I just wanted to know if she'd had any history of abdominal pRoblems."
Rob, [simultaneously] No.
Edie, [simultaneously] No.
Cameron, The admitting doctor noted no family history of...
Edie, I have an aunt with Crohn's disease. [to Rob] You didn't mention that?
Rob," [shrugging] I-I forgot what it was called. Your aunt, she's got million things wrong with her."
Edie, If you paid attention for five minutes...
Cameron, I doubt it's Crohn's. She has none of the other symptoms...
Edie," [to Rob] You're alone with her for eight hours, she ends up in the hospital."
Cameron," I'm wondering if we can focus on answering the questions, Mrs. HartMan?"
Edie, [correcting] I'm not Mrs. HartMan. We're divorced.
Cameron, [under her breath] I suspected.
Cuddy, ...And your past generosity made me think of you.
Cuddy," We're half a million dollars from our goal. Of course, this is a naming opportunity for your foundation."
Cuddy, Is-is there a pRoblem?
FEMALE DONOR," [gesturing] There's something on your, uh, face."
FEMALE DONOR," [awkwardly] It-It's, uh... ahem."
Cuddy, [quietly seething] Excuse me.
Cuddy," [sighing] Oh, God."
Cuddy," I'm sitting in there, hoping it's a sniper, because at least then the sociopath isn't my employee."
House," [holding it up] This baby won me second place in the clinic's weekly ""Weirdest Thing Pulled Out An Orifice"" contest."
Cuddy," [mock-pleading, her fingers an inch apart] I am this close to putting a new lab in Oncology."
House, You do not wanna know what came in first.
Cuddy, [pissed] House...
House," Rhymes with ""fucParkni""."
Cuddy, Gimme his pills.
House, [with a quizzical look] Where's my prescription?
Cuddy, No more free-flowing prescriptions. Princeton PD has already forced Wilson to shut down.
House," A cop says ""Boo"", Wilson shuts down."
Cuddy," Every doctor in this place is afraid to make a move, without covering his ass."
House, You think maybe you're shouting at the wrong person? Tritter's obviously out to get me. He doesn't care...
Cuddy, You forged prescriptions!
House, Allegedly.
Cuddy," Your pain has become my pain. From now on, you get reasonable doses at reasonable times."
House, But I hurt in an unreasonable way.
Cuddy, Then dip into your secret stash.
House, Tritter took it.
Cuddy, Then move on to your secret-secret stash.
House, I ran out.
Cuddy," [annoyed, whispering] Then move on to your secret-secret-secret stash!"
Cameron, Parents say she's not on any meds.
Chase," If the pancreatitis wasn't set off by drugs and she hasn't been sick, that leaves trauma. Or some kind of structural defect. Put up the CT."
Foreman, [still sitting] What's that density there?
Cameron, [taking a closer look] Shadow looks normal to me.
Cameron, We got a referral from...
House, 'Scuse me!
Foreman, [almost admiringly] You stash your drugs in a Lupus textbook.
House," It's nEver Lupus. [glancing at the CTs] Who's got gallstones, so why do we care?"
Cameron, [huh?] Gallstones?
House, The Biliary duct is dilated. PRobably from a stone lodged in it. Musta caused a nasty case of pancreatitis.
Foreman, She's six. Six-year-olds don't get gallstones.
House, So... she didn't have pancreatitis?
Cameron, Your theory is an invisible gallstone?
Chase, His theory correctly predicted the pancreatitis.
Foreman," [to Chase] You might wanna wait until he actually tells us his theory, before you start kissing his theory's ass."
House, My theory is... vanishing gallstone.
House," She had it and it passed. Those things travel in packs. Most of them pRobably hiding out in her gallbladder. Do an ultrasound. If I'm right, take out the organ, so we can analyse the stones."
Chase, I wasn't kissing his arse.
Foreman," It just looked that way from our angle. You on your knees, House bending over."
Chase, He predicted the pancreatitis.
Cameron, It's his dad's fault.
Chase, My dad was an arse.
Cameron," But you did Everything he wanted you to and, in return, you got Everything you wanted."
Chase, Shyeah! It's that simple.
Cameron," His strategy worked. Dad got him a cushy job, paid for his cushy life."
Chase, [a bit resentful] Cut me out of his cushy will.
Foreman," I told you, just his nature. Poor guy's hardwired to kiss ass."
Chase, [looking at the ultrasound] House was right. Gallstones.
Rob, I didn't know a kid could get gallstones?
Chase, It's... unusual. That's why we need to see what's causing it. We'd like to remove Alice's gallbladder and analyse the stones.
Rob, [straightaway] Sure.
Edie, No.
Rob," Just 'cause I said ""sure""?"
Edie, I am capable of my own thought...
Chase, It's a simple procedure. The gallbladder isn't essential...
Rob," The doctor thinks we should do it, we should do it."
Edie," You think maybe we should get a second opinion, before we start removing our Parkld's organs."
Cuddy, 'S an effective use of tax-payers' money.
Tritter, I'm actually off this week.
Cuddy, I'm guessing you don't have a family.
Cuddy, Most people have enough going on in their lives that they don't have to personalize Every slight.
Tritter, This isn't personal. Not anymore.
Cuddy, [angry] My Head of Oncology had to shut down. My entire staff are afraid to make a move without covering their ass.
Tritter, I think you're angry at the wrong person.
Cuddy, [grimacing] You think Dr. Wilson deserved to have his assets seized? His entire practice ruined?
Tritter, No.
Cuddy," So, you just... don't care?"
Tritter," [calm] This is how I get what I want. I put pressure... on people. And if it doesn't work on Wilson, it'll work on you."
Cuddy, [accusingly] You punish the innocent.
Tritter, None of you are innocent.
Tritter, Not one of you.
Tritter, Not one of you has told me the truth about Dr. House.
Cuddy, The pills allow him to cope with the pain.
Tritter," [mad] No, the pills... distort... reality. He is an addict."
Cuddy, He's not out Robbing a liquor store.Or...
Tritter," [intensely] Look, he's treating people. He needs to find a different way to cope, before he kills somebody! If he hasn't done that already."
Cuddy," _If_ you're right, he has a medical pRoblem. It should be dealt with by doctors! Not by the...!"
Tritter," Well, it's not being dealt with by doctors. Doctors are covering it... up."
Tritter," The whole point of the criminal justice system... is to make things right, when Everything else fails. With all due respect, you have failed."
House," Sorry, didn't know you wanted your kid dead. Although for a couple of G's, I can still make it happen."
Rob, Who the hell are you?
House," I am a complete stranger, who apparently cares more about whether your kid dies than you do."
Edie, You're Dr. House. [how did she guess?]
House, You've seen my stage show.
Edie," She's not dying. She has pancreatitis. Once you've treated that, I'm taking her home."
Rob, And do what? Burn sage? [to House] I want you to do the surgery.
Edie," My father had gallstones. They were totally harmless. Alice had one bad one, but it passed. For all we know, this is over."
Rob," And for all we know, she could get sick again tomorrow."
Edie," Then I'll take her to our paediatrician. She's six, Rob. She shouldn't have unnecessary surgery."
House, Or a moron for a mom. What can you do?
Edie, You're the doctor. I'm the mother. I outrank you. Live with it.
Judge, I've read the file. You've got fifteen minutes.
House, [pointing to the parents] 'S people like this who killed Copernicus.
Judge, Galileo.
House, Either way.
Judge, And they just locked Galileo up.
House, They killed his spirit. And nobody likes a showoff.
House," Luckily, Alice HartMan has a dad, who's willing to see reason."
Judge, Reason is defined by slavishly deferring to you.
House, Their doctor.
Edie," Your Honour, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney."
House, There's no time.
Edie, [peEved] All I want is a second opinion before...
House, [singsong] No time!
Judge, Your testimony is their Parkld will die if I don't grant this motion right now.
House, Am I under oath?
Judge, Let's say yes.
House, [glancing at Cuddy] My testimony is that this Parkld might die if you don't grant this motion right now.
Judge, Literally no time for a second opinion.
House, Won't be as good as the first opinion.
Judge," Dr. Cuddy, what do you think?"
House, She's not a specialist in this area. Her opinion is worthless.
Judge," Dr. Cuddy, what do you think of Dr. House? Is he as big a jerk as I think he is?"
Cuddy, [loving the Judge] Bigger. But he knows what he's talking about.
Foreman, Got a page.
Edie, She's complaining about her stitches.
Rob," Nurse just said that's completely normal. [to Foreman] Did you, uh, get the test results for the gallstones?"
Foreman, Any minute now.
Edie," There's no time for a second opinion, but the test takes three..."
Alice, My skin hurts.
Edie," [to Foreman] I know I no longer have the right to deMand it, but could you please take a look?"
Foreman, Sure.
Rob," She's pissed, now she's looking for things to go wrong."
Edie," [cynically] You're right. I'm sooo petty, I hope she dies so it vindiCates my opinion."
Edie," I didn't mean that, sweetie. Mommy was being sarcastic."
Rob," [amused] She's a few years away from grasping the sarcasm, don't you think?"
Foreman, Guys!
Chase," [into phone, frustrated] I already gave you that number."
House, Simple surgical procedure turns a little girl into the English Patient. What gives?
Cameron," [covering her cell's mouthpiece, to House] Must be allergic to something we used in the surgery."
Cameron, [into phone] Cameron. C-A-M-E-R-O-N.
House," This is my office, I'm talking, there are people here who work for me, but not listening. Explain this to me."
Foreman," [cell to his ear, irritated] Tritter froze my account. They're checking theirs. I'm on hold with the Lawyer."
House, Call Wilson's Lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed. This kid has no history of allergies.
Foreman, [shouting] You gotta talk to Tritter! You gotta make this go away!
Chase," Yeah, great plan! The Man's obviously open to reason."
House," Here's the plan - we do nothing. We while away the time, diagnosing the Patient. Stones were calcium, bilirubin and pigment stones."
Cameron, Which are non-conclusive.
House," Kid presented with low-grade fEver, mild anaemia. That plus the stones indiCates bacterial infection."
Foreman," [still pissed] Bacterial infections don't cause a vesicular rash. And doing nothing is not a plan, it's specifically a lack of a plan!"
House," We cut into her belly, bad boys escape. They swarm over, colonize the wounds and- Kaplow!- vesicular rash."
Cameron, Allergic reaction is a hundred times more likely with or without a history. FEver and anaemia could've been symptoms of pancreatitis. [into phone] Hello?... Thank you for your help.
Cameron, They froze my accounts.
Chase," ""Thank you for your help""?"
Cameron, It's not her fault.
Chase," [getting up] He hasn't gotten to mine yet. [getting his jacket] I'm gonna withdraw as much as I can, as fast as I can. Lunch is on me."
House," Do a scratch test, check for allergies. When it comes back negative, start broad-spectrum antibiotics."
House," Bullies bully. They don't get a reaction, they lose interest. [menacingly] Now go do what I ask, before I stick your heads into toilets."
Edie, How'd Otto get here?
Alice, Daddy got him last night.
Edie," He was at the dry-cleaner, they close at six. How'd you get it?"
Rob, [proudly] I drove over there and knocked for about ten minutes. Then I begged...
Rob, [to Alice] How 'bout some ice-cream for when this is through?
Alice, My tummy hurts.
Rob, Ginger-ale?
Rob, Yeah?
Edie, I'll take care of her.
Rob, Be right back.
Edie," He's always been good with the big, roMantic gestures, but ask him to do the dishes or show up for a meal on time or drive her....."
Foreman, [had enough of her whining] Almost done here.
House, [engrossed in his game] What're you doing here?
Wilson, I work here.
House, You passively-aggressively gave up your practice.
Wilson, [applying peanut butter on the slice] I've clinic hours.
House," Now you're passively-aggressively spreading peanut butter. Big sign around your neck saying ""Wilson does not have enough cash for the cafeteria""."
Wilson," You know, before Lenny Bruce died of the drug overdose..."
House," Oyyyyeeesh. You're gonna confront me with Everyone who's Ever used narcotics. Damn, I have to get something to read."
Wilson," He was arrested on obscenity charges. Went through a series of arrests and trials, because he just couldn't stop challenging the police."
Wilson, [now applying jelly] He became obsessed with his own legal pRoblems and his act turned into long humourless rants about fascist cops and the violation of his rights.
House," I get it, I get it, I need to change my nightclub act. Need more props."
Chase," House, scratch test is getting results. A lot of results."
Rob, How could she be allergic to Everything?
House, She can't be. Has to be an infection.
Foreman, [raising an eyebrow] You see positive allergy tests and decide it's an infection?
House, Bacteria got into the scratches in her back.
Chase, Infections radiate. The shape of this isn't...
House, [picking up the half PB&J sandwich] Eat this.
Alice, [politely] I don't feel like eating.
House, Make you better.
Edie, A sandwich?
House, Magic sandwich.
Alice, There's no such thing as...
House," [snaps] Just take a damn bite, okay, kid?"
House, Amazing how she didn't go into anaphylactic shock.
Foreman, It's diagnostically ridiculous.
House, Right! She's allergic to Everything except peanuts.
Chase," If she is allergic, antibiotics could cause massive systemic reaction."
House, If she's allergic. But she's not.
Foreman," Chase, you're right. The shape indiCates allergy, the tests indiCate allergy. Just because she's not allergic to peanuts, doesn't mean she's not allergic to Lidocaine or..."
House, [ordering] Chase! Hang the bag! And grow a backbone tomorrow.
Rob," No, I'm not giving my daughter drugs that can shut her system down."
House, [angry] You know what else shuts down systems? Death!
Rob, Sorry! I can't let you do this.
House," Luckily, Alice HartMan has a mom who is willing to see reason."
Judge," You were in here yesterday, telling me her father's guardianship was best for her."
House, I honestly figured I'd get a different Judge today.
Judge, [to Edie] You agree with Dr. House now?
Edie," Now, my kid actually is sick."
Rob, She was sick yesterday.
Edie," Her paediatrician doesn't know what's wrong with her, says Dr. House is the best..."
Rob," She loses guardianship and all of a sudden, House is a hero! It's got nothing to do with me deciding..."
Judge," [had enough] Hey, zip it! I've heard enough."
House," [side of his mouth, to Cuddy] This Lawyering thing is easy."
Judge," You shut up too! [stern] Arguing over decision is a waste of her time. And mine. Since her parents can't or won't agree, I'm awarding temporary guardianship to a doctor. Who will place the health of the Parkld above all else."
Cuddy, I don't think Dr. House is capable of...
Judge, Dr. Cuddy.
Cuddy," Yes, your Honour?"
Judge," No, I was finishing my sentence. The kid's all yours."
House, Three o'clock! Gimme the pills!
Cuddy, [bewildered] I don't Even know this kid. How am I supposed to decide what's best for her?
House, [irritably] Fine! I'll choose. Always side with the angry doctor's opinion. Gimme my pills.
Cuddy, [opening her purse] We're not gonna go broad-spectrum. There's any chance that she's allergic...
House, There is no chance...
Cuddy, Of course there's a chance.
House, I'm appealing.
Cuddy," No, you're not. Think of bacterial, pick one antibiotic."
House, Not gonna be enough. Need to go broad-spectrum...
Cuddy," It kills bugs, that's what you want. And go with metronidazole."
Tritter, You don't have to testify he's broken any laws. Though I'm sure you could. Just how Many pills he takes in a day. 'Cause I'm fairly confident I can prove that he didn't... have that Many... legitimate prescriptions.
Foreman, [cool] You really hope noone dies while I'm sitting here and not talking to you?
Tritter," I, uh, I had a, uh, had a buddy at Trenton PD... do some digging. Your brother locked up for drugs. Your own flesh and blood. Now you don't Even visit. But your boss practises medicine on drugs. Time to start lying to the cops."
Foreman," If I went out for coffee, will I get back before you make your point?"
Tritter," You, uhm, you testify. I can make sure that Marcus goes free on parole in less than two months."
Foreman," [beat] My brother and I, we grew up in the same home. But I made something of myself. He didn't."
Tritter," Dr. Foreman, the way you talk, you think you nEver committed any crimes yourself. Now, you and Dr. House, you are both cold bastards. You don't give a damn about your brother, and you can't stand House. But I do expect you to take this deal, because you hate hypocrisy more. House has had a thousand chances. You had two chances. Why is your brother stuck at one?"
Cuddy," Well, if she were allergic to this antibiotic, we would have seen it by now. I think we are out of the woods as far as that goes."
Rob, [to Edie] Guess I occasionally get one right.
Edie, [incredulous] You're gonna be glib about this? You almost killed her.
Rob," I made a choice. The same choice that you made yesterday. Only when I make it, I'm an imbecile."
Edie," Every decision you have made has been wrong. When this is over, I'm suing for sole custody."
Rob, [getting mad] Because I trusted doctors when you didn't?!
Edie, Because... it's not just about the past two days!
Rob, Like you have the hotline on what's best for Alice! She loves me.
Edie," [angry] She nEver does her homework when she's with you, she nEver brushes her hair..."
Cuddy," Her heart's racing, pressure's rising! The two of you, get out."
Edie, What- I'm her mother. You can't just-
Cuddy," You fight, she has an anxiety attack. The two of you are making her worse. Get-out and don't come back."
Chase, How's the kid doing?
Foreman, Much better as of about two hours ago. Got any money for lunch?
Chase, If you like parsley and croutons. Tritter finally froze my accounts.
Foreman, [suspiciously] Really?
Chase, You surprised? Why wouldn't he?
Foreman," I figured if he was singling you out, you must have done something different."
Chase, [offended] What? Like talking?
Foreman," Yeah. And now that he's frozen your accounts, you pRobably will. You need the cash, right?"
Chase," He doesn't freeze my accounts, I'm guilty. He does freeze my accounts, I'm guilty."
Edie, Is Alice having some procedure done?
Foreman, She's fine. She's resting.
Edie, Where?
Chase, In her room. But you're not supposed to...
Edie, I was just at the window. There's no one in there. Her backpack wasn't there either.
Edie, You don't think her father could've...?
Chase, Call security!
Chase, [to nurse's station] Get a gurney!
Rob," [afraid] She's stiff! She can't move! I don't know what happened. I mean, she seemed fine."
Rob," [pleading] Help her, please!"
House," On the plus side, she could medal at luge."
Foreman, [preparing a syringe] Muscle rigidity is almost exclusively neurological.
Cameron, Neuroaxonal dystrophy. She's the right age.
Chase, Except that her liver's starting to shut down. No dystrophy.
House, [mocking Cuddy] Metronidazole - great idea.
House, Let's not go broad-spectrum. Let's not take any chances at actually curing her.
Cuddy," House, can you focus on the case?"
House, [loud] No! 'Cause I'm in pain! 'Cause you think that compromise's the answer to Everything! I need more pills!
Chase, Muscle rigidity plus liver involvement means Wilson's.
Foreman," No, no corneal rings, no mental changes."
Cameron, Then what?
House, [at the top of his voice] I need more pills!!
Cuddy, [firm] No! You are on a reasonable...
House," What the hell does ""reasonable"" mean?"
Cuddy, [restraining herself] Keep it quiet. Her BP reacts to stress. And yelling is not go...
House," You think that I'm not in pain. Then don't give me anything. Keep me away from the aspirin. If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills!"
Cuddy, Fine! You need more pills. You're not getting them. You can have all the aspirin you want...
Foreman," I say we draw straws. Loser drives out to Trenton, scores him an eight-ball."
House, [still irritable] Which one of you two gave her an aspirin?
Edie, What?
House," Her symptoms fit Reye's Syndrome. Which doesn't make any sense, unless you took aspirin."
Edie, [accusing] Rob?
Rob, No way. She's a kid. I've read the eight hundred warning labels.
Edie, I'm not Even angry. I just want her to be okay.
House, She's lying. She's angry. 'Cause you kidnapped her kid. She'll be angrier if the kid dies.
Rob, [firmly] I didn't.
House, One aspirin! Combined with the preexisting infections is all it takes to set off an atta...
Rob, I'm not lying.
House," Well, sure. You certainly earned her trust. [to Edie] Where was Alice the night she came in?"
Edie," W-With me. Well, at my House. I went out, she stayed with the baby-sitter."
Rob," [My, how the tables have turned!] Where were you?"
Edie, [annoyed] None of your business.
Rob, You hired someone that might have poisoned our daughter.
Edie, [checking her purse] She's fifteen. She's very responsible.
House," She a fifteen-year-old pharmacist? Or is it just some kid from down the street, who needed twenty bucks for lip gloss and couple of Tiger Beats?"
House, Put your kid on charcoal hemoperfusion.
Cuddy, Shouldn't we hear what the baby-sitter has to say?
House, I know what she's gonna say. She's gonna lie to save her business. [flapping his palm out at her] Gimme more pills.
Cuddy," We are going to use this maParkne to clean your blood. It goes out of you and through a filter. You know, like a filter in a fish-tank."
Cuddy, It's... kinda cool actually.
Alice, [finally] I'm scared.
Cuddy," [trying to be encouraging] It... won't hurt. It takes a while, so it'll be boring, but won't hurt. It's gonna make you better."
Alice," [sadly] They hate each other, don't they? NEver gonna be together again."
Cuddy," Well, you nEver know."
Cameron," Gonna break out the rubber hoses, the bright lights? I'm not gonna testify, just because I have to borrow lunch money."
Tritter, I know. Women don't give up guys that... they're in love with.
Cameron, I'm not in love with House.
Tritter," The guy is unhinged and unethical, does what he wants with no concern for others. But you stand by him."
Cameron, That can't just be loyalty and respect?
Tritter, No.
Cameron, I'm a girl. So I must be in love with him.
Tritter," Not because you're a girl. Because ten years ago, you got an A in Calculus, until you ratted yourself out. Showed your professor a mistake he missed. Because you married a Man..."
Cameron, [angrily] Don't go there!
Tritter," You used to be someone, who did the right thing. House has changed you. D'you think it's all been for the better?"
Cuddy, [brightly] How's it going?
Alice, Bo-o-ring.
Cuddy, Told ya.
Foreman," [smiling] So far, so good. Just like five minutes ago, ten minutes before that."
Cuddy, What's the matter?
Foreman, It's from a clot.
Cuddy, [urgently] Let's get her out of here. I'll call the OR.
Alice," [crying, complaining] You said it wouldn't hurt."
Foreman, Found it.
Cuddy, She's burning up.
Foreman, In a sec.
Cuddy," Foreman, she is on fire!"
Foreman, Almost there.
Cuddy," [to nurse] Get me some cooling blankets, now."
NURSE, Right away.
Cameron," Everytime we touch this kid, something goes wrong."
House, Bad mojo is not a diagnosis.
Cameron, You really have to flash your private stash in front of me?
House, [irritated] You find it easier to lie for me if it's more subtle? Fine!
Tritter," You told your associates that, uh, I'd frozen your accounts."
Chase, Yes.
Tritter," Smart lie. You figured they'd think there was a reason that you'd been singled out. Like that, uh, you'd agreed to testify against House."
Chase," Yeah, I assume that's why you did it."
Tritter," You have a, uh, reputation as a bit of an opportunist. You already gave your boss up once, from what I've heard."
Chase," To save my job. He goes down now, I lose my job."
Tritter," If you lose your job, you find another one. You get fired, [shakes head] chances don't look so hot."
Chase, [shaking his head in confusion] Why would he fire me?
Tritter, Because you rolled on him.
Chase, I haven't rolled on him.
Tritter, I think you will. And he's gonna think you already did.
Chase," As far as he knows, my accounts are frozen, just like Everyone else's."
Tritter," In twenty-four hours, all three of you will have access to your accounts again."
Chase, Why would you do...?
Tritter," If I was looking at this, as an outsider [points to the other people in the cafeteria], I would say it was because Detective Tritter had what appeared to be a very pleasant lunch with Dr, Chase."
Tritter, The two of them appear to be... working together.
Cuddy, [frustrated] How the hell are there no ice-packs in the OR?!
Foreman, That's out. Ice packs aren't going to hold it for long. Where are the blankets?
Cuddy, In the ER. They've joined the four car collision.
Foreman," [quietly, urgently] We need to cool this kid down before her brain melts."
Foreman, What're you doing?
Cameron, She got a major dose of heparin to thin her blood for the procedure. Could have induced thrombocytopenia.
Chase, That's... unlikely. The charcoal would have absorbed a lot of the heparin. She's been anaemic. Could be a primary blood disorder.
House," [in pain, restrained] or we nEver cured the infection."
Cameron, Are you saying she nEver had Reye's? We just put that girl through excruciating pain.
Chase," Pain wasn't House's fault. Even if the clot was a reaction to what we gave her, we still have to..."
House," [angry] I don't need you to cover my ass! What I need is my Vicodin! [grumbling] Two pills Every six hours. Like I'm on an allowance. She's given the cop lEverage over medical decisions! What the hell, why don't we get a plumber in here, ask his opinion! Hey Cuddy, you know any rodeo clowns who can weigh in...!"
House, Where the hell is she?
Cuddy, Look at her arm.
House, [venomously] Told you it was an infection.
Cuddy, [snapping] We fixed the infection!
House," [incensed] Well, apparently not! I asked you for broad-spectrum, you put her on the bare minimum! It's a good thing you failed to become a mom, 'cause you suck at it!!"
House, What's good about this rash?
House, Good guesses! But no.
House, It's on parts of her body that we haven't touched. She's got a fEver of a hundred-and-three. She's in and out of consciousness. But it's not a reaction to anything we did. Our mojo is off the table. Which means...?
House," Oh! So close. Means thanks to Cuddy's candy-ass approach, broad-spectrum antibiotics are no longer an option. This thing has grown horns and fangs. We gotta figure out what species it is. Go in with a spear to the heart."
House," [sighs] Okay, you guys are sulking. I don't really care why, but apparently I can't do my job without finding out."
Cameron, Tritter released our bank accounts.
House," Horrible, horrible news. Wow! I'm glad we didn't let that fester. If she did have Reye's, then it could be varicella or associated..."
Foreman, [persisting] He released our money. You do know what that means?
House," [irritably] The correct question is ""How can it be varicella given that she's not itchy?""."
Chase," Rickettsialpox causes rash, fEver and muscle pain."
Cameron," Pain, not paralysis. Rocky Mountain Spotted FEver, on the other hand, rash, fEver, anaemia, paralysis and I didn't say anything to Tritter."
Foreman, Neither did I.
Chase, Maybe he wants us to think that one of us talked.
Foreman, It worked.
Cameron, You were with him.
Chase, We were all with him.
Foreman, _We_ weren't laughing with him.
House, Maybe he just gave up. Start the kid on chloramphenicol for Rocky Mountain Spotted FEver.
Chase, Can we talk?
House, Nope.
Chase, I really think you need...
House," Either you screwed me and you want absolution, or you didn't and you want applause. Either way, not interested."
Cuddy, [voice breaking] I'm busy.
Wilson, You okay?
Cuddy," [waving it off] Yeah, sure."
Wilson," Uhm, what I meant by ""Are you okay"" is ""What the hell did House do""?"
Cuddy, Nothing.
Wilson, What did he say?
Cuddy," I've seen House be rude a thousand times, usually to aParkEve something. I have nEver seen him be mean just because he can."
Wilson, Seriously? [beat] What did he say?
Cuddy, [sighs] Nothing. Doesn't matter.
Wilson," Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've nEver seen it get it you."
Cuddy," People think House has no... inner censor. The fact is he holds himself back, because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. [beat, sniffs] I have been trying to get pregnant. And House knew. He told me I'm a failure as a mother."
Wilson, And you're this upset because... you think he's right?
Cuddy," [eyes closed] I have had three separate implantations - the first two nEver took, the last one, I... lost."
Wilson, I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those were physical Events.
Cuddy, [agitated] A little girl is... scared and in pain. I was... awkward. Terrified of doing the wrong thing.
Wilson, [shrugging] That's normal. That's...
Cuddy, I didn't hug her. I didn't Even... reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay.
Wilson, [reasoning] She needed reassurance.
Cuddy," I told her her folks might get back together. [laughs wrily] When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes. [voice breaking] Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a... tone-deaf person wanting sing opera or a paraplegic who wants"
Wilson," Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [sighs] Well, I see what you mean about House poking the right spot."
Foreman, Chloramphenicol isn't working.
House, What dose did you give her?
Chase," [spiteful] Yeah, maybe Chase screwed up."
Chase," You always end up there, just getting a jump on it."
Chase, I doubled her up.
House," [hurting bad] Okay, the infection's morphed. It's moved into her muscle sheath."
Foreman, Necrotizing fasciitis?
Cameron, That's impervious to drugs.
House, The only treatment is to cut away the infected area. So we amputate.
Cameron, Arm and leg? We can't cut a six-year-old kid in half without a confirmed diagnosis.
House, It moves too quickly and we waited too long. We don't have time for a culture.
Cameron," We can at least observe her for few hours, confirm the rash is spreading."
House," It spreads, she dies."
Foreman, You're talking about crippling her.
Chase, We're not Even certain this was an infection.
House," [top of his voice, pissed] Right!! She's six! She's cute! She can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail, just because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the"
House, I'm gonna go do my job.
[ECU," Cuddy, depressed.]"
Cuddy, What kind of quality of life will she have without...?
House, One thing about life - it's got qualities.
[ECU," Alice's face, as she stares at the camera.]"
Rob, [voice-only] And if we can't agree?
[ECU, House says nothing.]
Cuddy, [voice-only] I don't know.
[ECU," Surgical instruments - the amputating kind. Sterile, metallic, sharp, unforgiving...]"
Foreman, He's yelled at us before.
Cameron," 'Cause he thought our theories were dumb, not because our theories were sending him to jail."
Foreman," He's going through withdrawal. Could be causing mild paranoia. It'll pass, we just have to suffer through it."
Cameron, We nEver ruled out allergy.
Foreman, We gave her drugs. She had no negative reaction.
Cameron," We cut open her belly, she got a rash on her belly. We did a scratch test on her back, she had a rash on her back. I know House ruled out mojo, but it can't be a coincidence..."
Chase," [tired] Little late to be playing differential games, isn't it?"
Foreman, [shielding his eyes] Get that thing away from me! I don't wanna get burned.
Chase," Laser pointers don't burn you, genius."
Foreman," Skin, no. Retina, yes."
Chase, You don't trust my aim? Maybe you should cover any sensitive...
Chase, He was wrong about the puppies!
Chase, House!
Chase, Gotta stop the surgery! She doesn't have necrotizing fasciitis!
House, [disinterested] Oh good.
Chase, She's got erythropoietic protoporphyria! She's allergic to light. It's genetic. Either parent could have carried it.
House, [couldn't care less] I know what it is. Infection fits better.
Chase, She gets worse Everytime she goes under surgical lights! Dad takes her outside...
House, Liver's shot too. She swallow a flashlight?
Chase, [insistent] Stop the surgery!
House, [threatening] Get the hell out of my way.
Chase, [pushes him back] No! I'm...
Chase, Light damages the blood cells. The damaged blood cells contain protoporphyrin. The protoporphyrin builds up in the liver. That's why the liver's shutting down!
NURSE, Stop!
Edie, How can she be allergic to light? She's nEver had this pRoblem before.
Cuddy, Negative reaction starts at birth. It reaches critical mass right around this age.
[FLASHBACK, Alice going on the ride. The light is bright on her face as she starts to scream.]
[CGI, Zoom into Alice's face. Her bloodstream. Bright light shines above. Red blood cells start to deteriorate as the light shines on them.]
Cuddy, [voice-only] Her blood cells create chemicals in reaction to the light.
[CGI," Zoom into the liver. Outside, good and bad blood cells travel. In the liver, big mean-looking gallstones start forming.]"
Cuddy," [voice-only] When they reach the liver, it tries to filter out the bad cells. The chemicals damage the liver. And one by-product is gallstones."
Edie, [worried] So she'll just keep getting worse?
Cuddy, EP can be Managed. We'll give her beta-carotine. She's gonna need special lightbulbs and filters on the windows. She's pRobably gonna need to be home-schooled. Her life will be compliCated... but she will live.
Rob, How do you get something like this?
Cuddy, It's genetic.
Edie," So, one of us...?"
Cuddy, Both of you must be carriers.
Cuddy, She's gonna wanna see you when she wakes up. So... don't screw it up.
Wilson," [deadpan] So, what's new?"
Chase, [beat] House missed one.
Wilson, It's happened before.
Chase," [resentfully] He nearly maimed a little girl. I got it right. And I told him, and it didn't matter."
Wilson," Chase, you solved one. You helped a Patient. That better be enough for you. Beckett was going to call his play ""Waiting for House's Approval"", but thought it was too grim."
Chase," [forcefully spreading jelly on the bread] Trust me, I'm not waiting any more."
Wilson, [beat] I'm gonna need thirty pieces of silver.
Tritter, Merry Christmas.
House, And a happy go to hell. [To Wilson] What is he doing here? Is he with you?
Wilson, Detective Tritter and I... we worked out a deal. [He moves away so House can set his stuff down on his chair]
House," Already got a Lawyer, get out of my office."
Wilson, I told him I didn't write those prescriptions. [House freezes while taking off his coat]
Tritter," I spoke with the DA, he agreed to two months in a rehab facility in exchange for a guilty plea."
House, Get out of my office.
Wilson, [surprised at House's reaction] No jail time.
House," Right, so I should get locked up in some place I don't belong in order to avoid getting locked up in some other place I don't belong."
Tritter," I got you on forgery, fraud and on drugs--"
Wilson, No sanctions to the medical board.
House," Um hmm, and you get your car back and your bank accounts and your precious tumour-ridden Patients."
Wilson, I did this to help you.
House," Next Christmas, buy me a sweater."
Wilson, You punched out an employee; you nearly cut a little girl in half because you were too strung out--
House," I was in pain! You need to beliEve that I've got a pRoblem so that your betrayal has the illusion of nobility, but you just selfishly-- [Wilson is frozen in shock]"
Tritter," Knock it off. [He gets up off the seat and approaches House] Look, I don't care why Doctor Wilson is doing this, and right now it makes no difference to you either, you need to deal with the reality of your current situation. You want to stand on principle, you end up in a cell, and you end up nEver practicing medicine again. So you got two choices - your principles, or your life."
House, [still glaring at Wilson] Get out of my office. [Tritter shakes his head and Wilson looks disappointed]
Tritter, The DA put a clock on the deal. You got three days to decide.
Wilson, House! Just give me a minute. You're afraid of the pain.
House, You're not? [He holds up the cane threateningly]
Wilson," [holds up a hand and gives House a look] You can still have pain meds in rehab - tramadol, gabapentin--"
House, Those don't work. [He turns around to face Wilson]
Wilson, They will once you're weaned off the vicodin.
House," [points to one of the decorations in the lobby] Look, there's Jesus, go tell the RoMans. [He walks into the clinic]"
Wilson," Fine, run to Cuddy. You don't think she's going to support me on this?"
Cuddy," Well the stitches are healing nicely, there's no sign of infection."
House," [bursts in through the door. Cuddy, Abigail and Maddy (the mother) are startled] Woah. Sorry. Just need her for a tiny moment. Small favour. [Cuddy gives him a look] Pills."
Maddy, Who's the wit?
Cuddy," Doctor. Don't worry, I'll be firing him soon. Wait in my office."
House, Incision looks just big enough for chest tube. Collapsed lung? Someone mistake you for a piñata?
Maddy," Delightful, usually we just get the elf jokes this time of year."
House," ""No"" on trauma. [Looks at her forearm to find a clear patch of skin where a circle has been marked out in black] Negative PPD. What flavour dwarfs are you guys?"
Maddy, My daughter and I both have cartilage hair hypoplasia; think you can make a pun out of that?
House," Yes, but I don't want to be insensitive. [Turns to Cuddy and indiCates at Maddy] She's got a bit of a short fuse hasn't she?"
Cuddy," It's a bleb, wait in my office."
House," Bleb's not a diagnosis, it's an evasion."
Cuddy," We'll schedule an MRI to make sure, but a certain number of these cases are idiopathic."
House, Let me translate that into Tolkien for you guys - means Doctor Cuddy's got no idea why your daughter's lung suddenly popped like a balloon.
Maddy, You think you do?
House," Give me her chart, and my pills."
House, Santa needs us. [He throws the chart at Chase who looks up and we see a dark bruise on his jaw where House punched him] Did you get that looked at?
Chase, I'm fine.
House," Great. I just admitted a cartilage hair hypoplasia dwarf, 15-yrs-old--"
Cameron, What are you going to do?
House," I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual."
Foreman, Wilson told us he ratted.
House, Your choice of verb I take it?
Foreman," It's appropriate, he betrayed you. And you should take the deal."
House," Unexplained lung collapse and anaemia. Cuddy thinks it's idiopathic - Cuddy and ""idiop"" being the relevant parts of that sentence."
Chase, Can't be TB since Cuddy already ruled it out. [He hands the case down to Foreman]
House, Then you'd be just as big an idiop as her. Don't you people know your dwarfs?
Chase," There are over 200 varieties of dwarfism, each with different medical complications; you can't expect us to be intimately familiar with all of them."
House, The sick dwarfs sure expect you to.
Cameron, Cartilage hair hypoplasia - they have compromised immune systems.
House," Gold star for Cameron, for extra credit explain to the special needs section of the class why our Patient's negative TB test is irrelevant."
Cameron," A PPD involves planting a fragment of TB under the skin to see if the immune system recognises it, because of her compromised immune system, our Patient could have TB but not recognise it."
House, The little people love you. [Gets up] Let's go see a dwarf about a gallium scan.
Cameron," Gallium is a radioactive isotope, travels through your veins allowing us to see any bright spots that might indiCate infection."
Maddy," [notices House scrutinising and comparing her with his cane behind her back] I'm 4' 1"". That's 1.5 canes in metric."
House, You don't look a day over 4 feet. I saw in the file that her dad was normal size.
Maddy, It's average-sized.
House, Compared to you I'm sure he was huge. Did he have a fetish or did he just fall in love with your long-legged soul?
Maddy," He grew up in the circus, said I reminded him of home. Seems like you're the one with the fetish."
House, Certainly curious about the logistics. Did you stand on a table?
Cameron, [turning around] House!
Maddy, [also turning around to face House directly] Pretty much he laid flat and spinned me. [House smiles]
Abigail, Mom.
Cameron," So Abigail, you wanna hop up on the table for me?"
Abigail, [looks at the table that's almost her height] That's gonna be tough.
Cameron," Oh, I'm sorry. Erm let me give you a boost [she's about to help lift Abigail]"
Maddy," Stop lifting her like she's 5, just bring over a stool and let her climb up herself."
Abigail," Mom, it's ok."
Cameron, I'm just trying to be helpful. [She does slide over a stool and Abigail climbs on to the table]
House, She also hates Jews.
Maddy," I've dealt with worse. Being different, you get used to people's idiocy. [She throws that word behind her shoulder and Cameron glances over for a moment insulted] Still beats the hell out of actually being an idiot. [House breaks into a smile again at her words] What?"
House, Care to go for a spin?
Cuddy, What the hell were you thinking? You didn't think ratting out this hospital's best doctor merited checking with your boss first?
Wilson," I didn't rat him out, I got him a deal."
Cuddy, Which he'll nEver take.
Wilson, He will if we--
Cuddy, How long have you known House? Did you think he'd suddenly become reasonable?
Wilson," I made the deal, it's done, you can either keep yelling at me or you can help me avoid a complete disaster."
Cuddy," There already is going to be a complete disaster. He's not going to take the deal, he's going to go to jail because he's a Parkld, he's too stubborn!"
Wilson," When a Parkld misbehaves, what do you do? You take away something he loves."
Cuddy," We can't take away his vicodin. Not only will he be in pain, he'll start to detox."
Wilson, And we tell him the only way to get the pills back is to take the deal.
Cuddy, He won't be able to function.
Wilson, That's the point.
Cuddy, You going to explain that to his Patient?
Wilson, What choice do we have?
Cameron," Gallium scan shows no bright spots of any kind, means it's not TB or any other infection."
House, There are no bright spots because the whole thing is too bright. Except for the liver.
Cameron, That type could have overexposed the image a bit but it's nothing. Her liver looks fine.
Foreman," Could be lung cancer. Tumour causes structural damage, lung caves in on itself, also explains the anaemia."
House, Doesn't explain the liver pRoblem though.
Cameron," Her lung collapsed, there is no liver pRoblem."
House, Did you guys look at the liver on this thing?
Foreman, There's no liver pRoblem.
House," Seriously, look at the liver."
Chase, There's nothing there.
House, Why not?
Chase, Because there's nothing wrong?
House, Every organ in the scan is lit up like a hundred watt bulb except for her liver which is hovering around 60 watts. And not one of them good 60 watt-ers but an energy-saving--
Foreman, You saying her liver's shutting down because the lighting is off? You just don't want a cancer diagnosis because then you'd have to deal with Wilson.
House, Lung cancer is a lame diagnosis. Avoiding Wilson is an added bonus.
Cuddy," House, we need to talk."
House, Not taking the deal. Glad we talked. Ultrasound her liver. [The ducklings make to take off]
Cuddy, Sit down.
House, Stand up. [Looks to Cuddy] Your turn.
Cuddy," House, you're off the case. Your treatment privileges are suspended until you accept Tritter's deal."
House, Well I'm obviously not going to take the deal just so I can have the fun of treating a dwarf so I assume there's more to this threat.
Cuddy, I'm also cutting off your vicodin.
House, That could work.
Cuddy, I'm taking over as attending. Get an MRI of her lungs.
House, This is not lung cancer.
Cuddy, We'll find out as soon as we MRI her lungs. [The ducklings file out]
House, You're going to come begging me to save this girl long before I come begging you for pills.
Cuddy, I hope not for Everyone's sake.
Cameron, This is wrong.
Foreman, Cutting House off? Might not work but it's not wrong.
Chase, Bone windows look clean.
Foreman," [into the mic] Abigail, we need you to hold still ok?"
Abigail, Can I come out?
Foreman, Just hang in there 2 more minutes and we'll be done.
Abigail, Okay.
Cameron, Because it's effective doesn't make it right.
Foreman, Cuddy's bending the rules to get a Patient to do the right thing - who'd work for a doctor like that?
Cameron, And the ends justify the means?
Chase," If the ends involve us keeping our jobs, sure. Lung parenchyma's is clean, no masses. It's not lung cancer."
Foreman," Abigail, are you ok? [She doesn't reply and continues to cough. The team see her crawl out of the MRI and cough out blood, they rush to attend her]"
Foreman," House was right, her liver's failing."
Chase, Endoscopy confirmed the vomiting was caused by variceal bleeding. Blood work also confirms House's hypothesis--
Cuddy," I get it, House was right it's the liver, lets move on. What causes liver disease and a collapsed lung?"
Foreman," SParkstosomiasis, parasite could--"
Chase, There's no eosinophilia.
Cameron, Cirrhosis could explain--
Wilson, Could be a hepatoma.
Cameron," She's 15, it's not liver cancer. [She is particularly vehement when she says this]"
Wilson, It's not unheard of.
Cameron, Cirrhosis fits better; the question is what caused it.
Foreman," Could be hepatitis, Budd-Parkari--"
Chase, Or drugs and alcohol. If anyone has a reason to dull the pain it's a teenaged dwarf.
Foreman, I'll do a liver biopsy to confirm.
Chase, And I'll search the Patient's home for drugs and alcohol.
Wilson," Cameron, got a moment? [She pauses and he walks out with her]"
Wilson, What exactly is your pRoblem with me?
Cameron, Hepatoma is a weak diagnosis.
Wilson, So this is all about the case?
Cameron, What else would it be about?
Wilson, I made this deal to help him.
Cameron, And help yourself at the same time.
Wilson," This is not about my practice, this is not about my car. I gave both of them up to help House, and I would have gone on without them if he hadn't almost maimed that little girl and if he hadn't punched out Chase."
Cameron, Was it an easy choice?
Wilson," Of course not, but it's right."
Cameron, Then why wasn't it easy?
Wilson, Because he's my friend it's... obviously compliCated--
Cameron, It's compliCated? When you decided to talk to Tritter your life got a million times better. How do you separate that out? How do you pretend your windfall isn't relevant to this decision?
Wilson, It was the right thing to do.
Cameron, You pretending your motives are pure is why I have a pRoblem.
Foreman, Where's Cuddy?
House," In this drawer, it's a rescue mission. I got it under control, you can leave. [He goes back to jimmying the drawer]"
Foreman," [checks outside in the clinic before walking in] You were right about the liver failure, Patient had variceal bleeding which suggested cirrhosis."
House, I'm off the clock.
Foreman," You predicted this, you obviously saw something."
House, Obviously.
Foreman," Liver biopsy was negative for cirrhosis but it shows sclerosing cholangitis. [He puts the sheet of paper of the results down on the table in front of House. House takes a glance, then ignores it] Even weirder, there's no increase in alkaline phosphotates."
House, Hmm... medical mystery. Sounds like the kind of thing I'd be good at. [He gets frustrated at being unable to jimmy the drawer] Breaking and entering sounds like the kind of thing you'd be good at.
Foreman, I take it that's where Cuddy's been keeping your pills.
House," One theory, one drawer."
House," Really? I thought you'd be all for this torture House plan. It works, therefore it's good. On the other hand, I don't want to talk you out of this deal by pointing out your hypocrisy so... Patient's life at stake, blah blah blah blah. [Foreman jimmies the drawer while still warily looking out at the clinic] Forget about the specific nature of the liver dysfunction, it's irrelevant. Dwarf's pRoblem is global, that's why the gallium scan was bright, it's going to spread throughout her entire body unless you stop it."
Foreman," If that were true, more than her lungs and liver would be affected. [He notices House looking at drawer and jerks his head to indiCate House should be helping him to keep a watch out for Cuddy]"
House," It will be. It'll spread through the biliary tree and hit her pancreas next. Stop retracing your steps, get ahead of it. Forget the liver and focus on the pancreas 'coz after that... actually after that, it doesn't really matter what it is because all roads lead to a dead dwarf."
Foreman, I get why you don't want to go to rehab but only an idiot goes to prison for being stubborn.
House, Only an idiot stands between Ahab and his whale. Move. [He opens the drawer and quickly searches but doesn't find any vicodin.]
Foreman, Sorry.
Chase, Santa's got gifts. [He starts taking stuff out of his bag that he got from Abigail and Maddy's home] Olive oil wasn't in the kitchen; it was in the medicine cabinet.
Foreman, Home remedy for ear infections.
Cameron, Ear infections are fairly typical amongst CHH dwarfs.
Chase, Or it's a symptom.
Foreman, It certainly wouldn't indiCate a pancreatic pRoblem.
Chase, Or House is wrong and it's a symptom. [Foreman turns around and starts writing on the board] Laxatives - don't think they were used to maintain her girlish figure.
Cameron," Again, intestinal pRoblems are common."
Chase," Again, might be a symptom. Glucosamines suggests chronic joint pain."
Cuddy, Who ordered an alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency test?
Foreman, I did.
Cuddy, You think the pRoblem's in her pancreas?
Foreman," I think it will be, I think we need to forget about the liver."
Cuddy," We just forgot about the lungs, now we need to forget about the liver?"
Foreman, We need to stop retracing our steps and get ahead of this thing.
Wilson," House, you've tanned."
Foreman, You don't think I could have come up with this?
Cuddy, Did you?
Foreman, You suspended House because it'd be dangerous having him in charge but getting his opinion--
Wilson, I'm sure he gave you that opinion simply because he was worried about the Patient?
Foreman, Just because House wants his pills doesn't mean his theory is wrong.
Cuddy," No, the test results mean that. Your test was negative. And the biopsy indiCated sEvere duct inflammation. Do an ERCP to check the liver for bile duct cancer."
Foreman, Just because it wasn't alpha-1 doesn't mean the pancreas isn't next.
Wilson," You needed an organ, he needed a fix. He'd have made up any story for a pill, you didn't give him anything did you?"
Foreman, No.
House, Ow. There's no bruise or nothing but it really hurts.
Doctor, Unfortunately that pain and lack of bruising is typical of a zygomatic break.
House," Wow, sounds bad."
Doctor," Hmm, bones are aligned properly. Which ER did you go to after the car accident?"
House, Princeton-Plainsborough. [He reaches inside his jacket to get a piece of paper] Here's my discharge slip.
Doctor," Okay, going to get you some acetaminophen with codeine."
House," I err... I tried that, it makes me nauseous."
Doctor, Err... there's a drug called gabapentin which is good for certain kinds of pain.
House," Great, I haven't slept in days."
Doctor, Gabapentin's not really going to help with the sleep.
House, Oh. Is there something else you could give me?
Doctor, Vicodin's your best bet with sleep issues.
House, Thanks so much.
Doctor, [holds up a finger] Unfortunately our policy forbids prescribing opiates to new Patients.
House, How can a clinic have a rule against relieving pain?
Doctor," Just for the opiates, we find that it helps weed out drug-seekers."
House, You think I'm a drug-seeker?
Doctor, I'm not saying that.
House, Well then give me the vicodin.
Doctor, I can't.
House, Because you think I'm a drug-seeker?
Doctor, I just said I didn't.
House," No, you said that the policy was to stop drug-seeking. Then you said I'm not a drug-seeker, policy doesn't apply."
Doctor," I'm sorry, that's the policy."
House, Gabapentin works on nerve damage; you're prescribing it for a broken face! Might as well hand out band aids for a sEvered carotid!
Doctor, You're a doctor.
House, Not by this clinic's definition since I'm neither a moron nor a mindless drone! [The doctor quickly picks up a phone and starts dialling]
Doctor, Security--
House," Forget it, I'll throw myself out."
Abigail, That tube is going all the way down to my liver?
Foreman," Don't worry, you'll be sedated."
Wilson, Sometimes doctors have to do things that make people uncomfortable to help them. [he looks over at Foreman]
Foreman, But we always want to respect the Patient's wishes and not shove things down their throats.
Wilson, Foreman. [Foreman bends down to check] You haven't given her the sedative.
Foreman, No. Abigail? [He checks her pupils] Abigail? She's unconscious.
Wilson, Check her airway.
Foreman, Airway's clear. Her breath smells fruity.
Wilson, Diabetic ketoacidosis.
Foreman," [to the nurses] Hang an insulin drip at .1 migs (milligrams) per kig (kilogram) per hour. [then to Wilson] Pancreas is failing, you ready to call House yet?"
Cuddy, You were right; the Patient's pancreas is failing.
House, Told you you'd come begging me for help. [His voice is very rough and husky]
Cuddy, Her insulin production is almost non-existent. [House is about to close the door in her face when Cuddy blocks the door]
House," Give me my pills, or lose an arm."
Cuddy, The girl is dying!
House, So give me my pills.
Cuddy, Take the deal and I will.
House, You'd rather kill this girl than give me my pills?
Cuddy, I would rather lose one Patient now than the dozens we will lose while you're in prison.
House, Well have fun explaining that to her itsy bitsy grieving mother. [he slams the door at Cuddy]
Cameron, What if we sacrifice this girl and House still goes to jail?
Cuddy," I'd feel bad, can we get on with this? House correctly predicted the spread, means we've got a global systemic illness affecting lungs, liver and pancreas so far. Ideas?"
Chase, Langerhans cell histiocytosis attacks multiple organ systems.
Foreman, Histiocytosis usually starts in the brain then moves to the internal organs. Abigail's brain is fine. Cystic fibrosis.
Wilson, Exocrine function's normal. Hodgkin's lymphoma - it's a systemic cancer which her dwarfism predisposes her to.
Cameron, Any ideas that aren't cancer?
Wilson, Cancer fits.
Cameron," Autoimmune fits better, we should treat her with prednisone for lupus."
Wilson, That'll spike her blood sugar and put her back in a coma. It's much safer to run a double-stranded DNA test.
Cameron, Not if she dies before we get the results.
Cuddy," One of you is pRobably right, why don't we hold the sniping until we find out which. Wilson, do an LP for lymphoma, you guys run an antibody test for lupus."
Wilson," Because of your daughter's dwarfism, we've had to pick a higher entry point for the lumbar puncture which increases the risk."
Maddy, So why not do the lupus test first?
Wilson, In the interest of time we think it's best to proceed on both fronts.
Maddy, You have no idea what's wrong with my daughter.
Wilson, We have sEveral theories.
Maddy, What does doctor House think?
Wilson, He's... he had to go home sick.
Maddy, My daughter may be dying and he's gone home with the sniffles?
Wilson, Oh he's not--
Maddy, He was the only one who seemed to have any idea what was wrong with her. He better be really damn sick.
Wilson, He is. [She signs the consent form]
House," [He says through the door without opening it] Unless you've got vicodin, go away."
Cameron," House, it's me. I err..."
Cameron, Oh god. I don't have--
House," No pills, no eggnog."
Cameron, [notices House's arm through the gap in the door where he's poked his head out to talk to her] What happened to your arm?
House," Cut myself. [His left forearm is wrapped thickly in a bandage and one side is obviously still bleeding under it, Cameron walks right in and House shuts the door behind her]"
Cameron," Wilson was wrong about lymphoma, kid's not losing any weight, no night sweats."
House, Cuddy send you?
Cameron, No. She doesn't trust me not to give you pills.
House, She right?
Cameron," House, these cuts are straight in a row. You did this on purpose."
House," Cutting releases endorphins, endorphins reliEve pain. Can you get me some pills?"
Cameron, No.
House, Well then you can leave.
Cameron, No constitutional symptoms means--
House," Soon as the kid gets cured, Cuddy's got no pressure to fold."
Cameron, You really think she's going to fold?
House," Autoimmune fits better than cancer but lupus floods kidneys, usually attacks them first. Kidneys are fine, right?"
Cameron," Yeah. House, take the deal. You can survive without vicodin. After you were shot you stayed clean for months."
House," Yeah, only it had something to do with the absence of pain. [She's about to put a bandage on] No leave that, I want to be able to pour alcohol on it so I can distract myself."
Cameron, Then you can rip off the bandage. [She proceeds to bandage the cut up]
House, Kid been sick lately?
Cameron, Got a history of ear infections.
House," You see Abigail's immune system is like a shy guy in a bar. The ear infections - they come in, they try to coax him to... [he sighs in frustration] to hell with the metaphor. You get the point right?"
Cameron," Nerd gets drunk, thrashes the bar. One of the autoimmunes triggered by a minor infection."
House," Factor in her age, elevated sed rate, anaemia... it's Still's disease. Start her on prednisone, methotrexates, cyclosporin."
Cameron," House, stop this. Please."
Cuddy, What'd he say?
Cameron, Still's disease. It's chronic but Manageable.
Cuddy, Yes but that's virtually unconfirmable. And with a treatment more dangerous than what we were considering for lupus. How bad is he?
Cameron, Are you asking because you care or because you're wondering whether to trust his opinion?
Cuddy, Both.
Cameron," He's detoxing, in agony, he started cutting himself. [Cuddy looks very sad] But he's still House."
Cuddy, I'll order the treatment.
House," Your plan isn't working. Two days down, one to go. Figured I'd show you how much it isn't working."
Wilson," Yeah, clearly the drugs have no hold on you."
House," We both know that my pride far surpasses my instinct for self-preservation. You want to redeem yourself, give up now."
Wilson, And you'll go to jail.
House, I've done nothing wrong.
Wilson, And you'll go to jail.
House," Which makes this your last chance to do me a kindness before ruining my life forEver. [Wilson ignores him and is about to take off when House stops him, no longer teasing but talking in earnest] Nausea's bad this time. You write me a script for Metoclopramide so I can stop puking. They'd give me that in rehab."
Wilson, Then you should go to rehab. I have a Patient. [he walks off]
Wilson," I'm so sorry for your loss. You know, it's little solace but he went without pain."
Wilson, House?
House," Well, look on the bright side; at least you don't have to go by Mrs. Zebalusky anymore. That's gotta be a relief."
Mrs Zebalusky, [to Wilson] You know this Man?
Wilson," I'm sorry, he's sick--"
House, You hear my diagnosis on the dwarf? Still's disease. Did you Ever consider those ear infections or you just wrote it off as a dwarf thing? You sure he's dead because doctor Wilson sometimes misses things.
Wilson, [gets up and faces House] Trying to embarrass me in front of a grieving widow crosses lines that Even--
House," Right, I'm pathetic. I'm strung out, I haven't slept, puking Every hour and I still out-diagnosed you. But I'm supposed to let you decide what's best--"
 Zebalusky, Please! Please leave.
House, [subsides] Sorry. I'm done. [he starts to leave but is halted before reaParkng the door]
Wilson," House, you didn't come in here just to embarrass me, you could do that anytime. [he reaches into House's coat pocket and takes out a bottle full of pills] Stealing oxy from a dead Man, yeah, you don't have a pRoblem."
Wilson, How's the girl?
Cuddy, Much better.
Wilson, House was right?
Cuddy, It happens.
Wilson," I thought we could handle this. Still's disease, it nEver crossed my mind."
Cuddy," Don't beat yourself up, I didn't get it either."
Wilson, [laughs] I feel like a mob inforMant.
Tritter, You want to go inside? Got a cafeteria in here right?
Wilson, I can't testify. Drug addicts hurt the people around them with their habit.
Tritter," House has hurt plenty of people, you included."
Wilson," He saves lives, people that no one else can save and no matter how much of an ass he is, statistically House is a positive force in the universe. Pills let him do that."
Tritter," Vicodin does not make House a genius, whatEver he does on the pills he can do off. He is just not willing to try."
Wilson, I won't testify against him.
Tritter," Then we'll subpoena you, your previous statement will be read into evidence and you'll be charged with interfering with an investigation, and you will go to jail."
Wilson," Again, statistically better me than him."
Tritter, Statistically the two of you will be in jail.
Maddy," Doctor Cameron, come quick, there's something wrong with Abby."
Cameron," Couldn't be too sEvere, her cardiac alarm didn't go off."
Maddy," It's not her heart, she's bleeding."
House, Picking up a script for Zebalusky.
Pharmacist, This is err... doctor Wilson's Patient.
House," Yeah, Wilson's busy right now what with Mr Zebalusky dying in agony on account of his metastatic lung cancer and not having the pills to reliEve that agony because of some moron pharmacist."
Pharmacist, Sign the book.
Chase," Bleeding wasn't a ruptured eardrum, ear infection or bleeding disorder. Her heart rate's climbing, blood pressure's dropping, she's on the verge of a multi system failure."
Foreman," Head CT was clean, means it's not a neurological pRoblem."
Cuddy, Basically we have nothing.
Wilson, Cancer's still on the table.
Cameron, Spinal fluid was negative for lymphoma. What other--
Wilson," Leukaemia, we need to do a bone marrow biopsy."
Cameron, None of her blood tests suggest leukaemia. Cancer doesn't explain the collapsed lung.
Wilson, Unless a small clot led to a pulmonary infarction.
Cameron," It's a long-shot, autoimmune is way more likely."
Wilson, Autoimmune diseases respond to steroids which we've given her.
Cameron," And she got better for a while, we stopped the treatment too soon!"
Foreman, All we're doing is bouncing back and forth between cancer and autoimmune. We're going in circles.
Cuddy, Give me half an hour.
Little girl, Can I have a french fry?
House, Get your own.
Little girl, You took the last ones.
House, What's wrong with you?
Little girl, I've got spinal muscular atrophy.
House, [sighs] At least it's not contagious. [he sets the plate of Parkps in front of the little girl] Nice bear.
Little girl, It's a dog. [she starts eating and Cuddy enters]
Cuddy," House, it's not Still's. Steroids helped until the Patient started bleeding from the ears and mouth."
House, [looks at Cuddy then back at the little girl] It's a bear.
Little girl," His name is Bill, he's a dog."
Cuddy," You win, you can have vicodin. [she shakes the bottle she's got in her hand and gives a rather funny grin]"
House," Words have set meanings for a reason, you see an animal like Bill and you try to play fetch, Bill's going to eat you because Bill's a bear."
Cuddy, Are you on something? [House gives her a look that confirms her question] You got your hands on pain meds.
Little girl," Bill has fur, four legs and a collar, he's a dog."
Cuddy, It's between cancer and autoimmune.
House, See that's what we call a faulty syllogism. Just because you call Bill a dog doesn't mean that he is... [House has a light bulb moment]... a dog. [He looks up at Cuddy] We've got to x-ray our Patient's leg.
Cuddy, Her leg looks fine.
House, Weird huh?
Wilson, Why aren't you detoxing?
House, Willpower. [He pops a pill]
Wilson, What--
House, Normal's not normal if you're not normal.
Wilson, Did you just take a pill?
House," No. [Wilson looks at Cuddy, Cuddy looks annoyed] So how does a dwarf have completely normal growth plates?"
Cuddy, It's impossible. We must be missing something.
Wilson, [with his rather one-track mind] How Many pills have you taken?
House, Not nearly as Many as I'm gonna take. Forgotten how delicious they were.
Cuddy, I didn't give them to him.
House, Can we forget my vices and get back to my virtues? We were missing the fact that just because we called her a dwarf doesn't mean she is a dwarf. Everyone assumed she was because of her mother and there's no test for CHH dwarfism so she lost an identity but we've gained a symptom.
Cuddy, If she doesn't have skeletal dwarfism then her short stature must be caused by growth hormone deficiency.
Wilson," And something's wrong with her pituitary gland and based on her size, it's been wrong for a while."
Cuddy," So what connects a long-term pituitary issue with pRoblems in the lungs, liver and pancreas?"
House, Oh you guys and your bickering. Cancer versus autoimmune.
Wilson, Obviously you think it's something else.
House," Nope, I think it's both. Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis - also known as you've got your cancer in my autoimmune disease. The immune component responded to the Still's treatment, led to the short-term improvement, the cancer portion didn't."
Cuddy, We dismissed this earlier because there were no neurological symptoms.
House," Yeah... it's not your fault, the only neurological symptom was her height. Who could have noticed?"
House, This is your pituitary gland and this is the granuloma that's been crushing it. No pituitary equals no growth hormone equals... about that much. [He gestures with his hands to indiCate shortened growth]
Maddy, She's not a dwarf?
House, Just hormonally challenged.
Abigail, What about my mom?
House," Your mom's the real deal. You're just a tiny little poser. The recent ear infections caused your body to release a cascade of these same cells that made the granuloma, attacked your lungs, moved on to your liver then hitched a ride over to your pancreas. We can nuke them with a mild course of chemo then remove the granuloma."
Maddy, And then what? What will happen to her then?
House," Let me see if I can make this clear. [He picks up his bottle of oxycodone and takes out a pill] This pill represents... a pill. And my mouth represents your daughter's mouth. [He kneels down without Even a twinge of pain - he's obviously in no pain at all, not to mention pRobably high from taking so Many oxy in succession to each other] We deposit the pill in the mouth. [he takes the oxy and then stands up] You may nEver be tall enough to play in the WNBA but you should be able to post up your mom no pRoblem."
Abigail, What if I don't take the pills? What if you remove the thing in my head and give me the chemo but not the pills? Would I still get better?
House, Your body needs growth hormone for lots of things like... to grow.
Abigail, I like who I am now. [Maddy smiles proudly]
House, Nobody your age likes who they are now.
Abigail, I do.
House," You like needing help when you want something off the high shelf? Not being able to press an elevator button above the eighth floor, having to smell ass Every time you stand in line? [Maddy draws herself up, obviously insulted] You don't need growth hormone; it's just your ticket out of the freak show. [House takes the scan and walks out of the room, Maddy follows after him outside into the corridors]"
Maddy, Can't you deliver a diagnosis without making her feel that her life isn't worth living?
House, I'm trying to help her.
Maddy, You're trying to make her taller.
House, Not too tall. Just tall enough to wipe her own butt. [he chuckles at his own joke. Maddy isn't amused]
Maddy, Are you high?
House, Higher than you.
Maddy," If my daughter doesn't want to choose the easy path, I won't force her to."
House, Then you're a lousy mom. You want your daughter to be a freak.
Maddy, We're not freaks.
House, [sighs] You want her to overcome adversity.
Maddy, Yes.
House," Then why stop at height? Poke a stick in her eye, imagine how interesting she'll be then."
Maddy, Being little is not the same--
House," You and I have found that being normal sucks because we're freaks. Advantage of being a freak is that it makes you stronger. How strong do you really want her to have to be? Tell her what you have to tell her, now you tell her you lied, Even if you didn't."
Maddy, This is who you were supposed to be.
Abigail, You hate normal.
Maddy, It's not that simple.
Abigail," If I grow, I'll fade into the background, I'll be boring."
Maddy, We'll get you a funny hat. [Abigail laughs] You could nEver be boring.
Abigail, You want me to be like Everybody else?
Maddy, I want you to have what I can't.
Wilson, Abigail agreed-- [he waits for House to pull down his headphones] Abigail agreed to take growth hormone.
House, Who's Abigail?
Wilson, Your non-dwarf dwarf Patient.
House," Oh, good. Then the growth hormone makes sense. [He stands up and starts picking up stuff.]"
Wilson, Christmas Eve.
House," Yeah, I know. Deal expires tomorrow."
Wilson, You've plans for tonight?
House, You worried I'm going to be popping more pills? [he puts on his coat]
Wilson, Thought you might prefer people over pills.
House," Hey mom, I guess you guys are already up at Aunt Sarah's. I'm sure dad's in the eggnog and you're pRobably suffering through another dried out turkey. [Long silence] Just wanted to say Merry Christmas. [He puts down the phone and pops another oxy, chasing it down with more whiskey, an explosive combination]"
Wilson, House? [more knocking] Are you okay? I called 3 times.
House, I'm ready to take the deal.
Tritter, That's off the table.
House, The clock doesn't expire until--
Tritter," Got new evidence. We don't need Wilson anymore. The thing about addicts, no matter how smart they are, they are dumb when it comes to drugs. So I've been keeping an eye on the pharmacy log, seems some Patient of Wilson's, name's Zebalusky Managed to pick up his oxy prescription after he died. [House glares at him] Jesus walks huh? Merry Christmas."
Derek, You ok?
Amy, Yes... my clip woulda veened.
BROCK, What the hell do you think you two were doing?
Amy, We thought we heard someone in there.
BROCK, You NEveR go in without authorisation!
Derek," Captain this is all me, Amy just followed me in."
BROCK, So torParkng your ass last year wasn't enough huh? You need to stop trying to prove how tough you are before you get yourself killed.
Derek, Yes sir.
BROCK, [To Amy] Go have the paramedics look you over.
RANDOM FIREFIGHTER, C'mon Derek lets get this ladder to the 2nd story. Let's go.
Amy, Derek! ... Derek!
Amy, Derek.
Amy, What's happening?
Derek, I'm... freezing!
[PPTH, Cameron is using the stethoscope on Derek's back who has some pretty nasty scars all over his back and chest]
Derek, I'm fine.
Cameron, ER docs don't think so. Your temperature is going up and down like a roller coaster. How old are these skin grafts?
Derek, Last one was about six months ago.
Cameron, We're gonna run some tests and we'll get a consult with Dr House.
Derek, I'll be fine.
BROCK," You'll be doing what the doctor said, got it? [Derek nods] I'll check in later."
Amy," Hey, the way you covered for me last night."
Derek, He's my brother; I know how to eat it from him.
Amy, I'm gonna stop by after my shift ok?
Derek, [To Cameron] So where is this Dr House?
Cameron, [Thinks about it] Speaking engagement.
House, Not guilty.
Judge, And on the charge of gaining control of said medication by fraud how do you plead?
House, Not guilty.
Judge," Very well, preliminary hearing is set for the 19th at 10am at which time I'll determine whether there is enough evidence to proceed to trial. The next case on the calendar People versus Williams charges assault 2nd degree with intent to cause injury..."
GEMEINER, You're going to go talk to him?
House, I was just going to ask him where he gets his haircut.
GEMEINER," [Whispering] They have your signature, prescription log, a security camera video and a pharmacist's sworn statement saying you stole the dead guy's pills. You're already looking at 10 years, you wanna add witness intimidation charge? Go ahead, ask him about his hair."
Cameron," He suffered 3rd degree burns over 54% of his body a year ago and arrived in the ER last night disorientated and shivering. Twelve hours, his temperature was bouncing between 96 and 102."
Chase, [To House] Why don't you contest the search of the pharmacy records?
Foreman, Yeah you could argue it violated doctor-Patient confidentiality.
Cameron," Except that he wasn't the Patient or the doctor, he was the guy who stole from the Patient and the doctor. [To House] This was the 3rd time he's been disorientated in the last 2 weeks."
House," Running into smoke filled burning buildings can be a bit disorienting. Fortunately I have the cure, stop doing it."
Cameron, He's not in a burning building anymore and he's still shivering.
Foreman, A hypothalamic tumour can cause vacillating temperatures.
House," So could ER nurses who were too busy to notice that a Patient likes both hot coffee and cold sodas [Gets up to walk towards his office, Cameron stands in front of him]"
Cameron," He tested negative for Hep C, TB, HIV, Lyme and his tox screen's clean."
House," In case you hadn't noticed, not exactly in the mood to dance."
Cameron," I'm not asking you to dance, I'm asking you to do your job."
House," EKG showed arrhythmia, pRobably just a mild heart attack."
Cameron," No chest pain, smoke inhalation already explains the arrhythmia."
Chase," He was in the burn unit for six months and had multiple surgeries, could be a hospital acquired infection maybe MRSA."
House," Works for me, draw blood cultures start him on antibiotics, Vancomycin plus broad gram-negative coverage."
House," If you called to see the design for my prison tatts, they're still at R and D."
Cuddy, You need to talk to Tritter.
House, Not according to my Lawyer.
Cuddy," Your Lawyer isn't going to be able to get the DA to drop the case, Tritter can."
House," Yeah, you know what else Tritter can do?"
Cuddy, You're not impressing anyone. You may call yourself principled but what you really are is a stubborn adolescent idiot! This isn't his fault.
House, I'm not the one who--
Cuddy," [Walking towards House] YOU used the rectal thermometer on him, YOU insulted him instead of apologising, YOU flaunted your drug use in his face and you REFUSED to accept a deal..."
House, I accepted the deal!
Cuddy, Not until after you stole a dead guy's pills.
House, Allegedly.
Cuddy," Tritter has been opening doors for you Every step of the way and you keep slamming them shut. There are no more openings to give House, if you wanna stay out of prison you gotta make one for yourself. [She goes to her desk and brings over a script and puts it in House's hand] It's for Vicodin, You function better on it. Talk to him."
Cameron," MRSA is a bacteria that often infects hospital Patients, the burns on your chest and arm exposed raw flesh that made you a wide open target."
Derek, But the antibiotics will take care of it right?
Cameron," Depends on what strain it is, we will know more once we get the results back from these cultures."
Derek, So this MRSA thing? Would it make Everything look blue?
Foreman, He's seeing blue [House still in elevator pops a pill] where'd you get the script from?
House, Cuddy. Wanna know what I gave her?
Cameron, MRSA wouldn't change his ocular palette.
Foreman," Heavy metal poisoning could cause vision changes, particularly thallium."
Chase, If it was thallium he'd be losing his hair.
House, [walking into his office] So maybe it's menopause.
Foreman, He's 28 years old.
Chase," Yes, his age is the reason it's weird that a Man has menopause."
House," Male menopause, high oestrogen, low testosterone, explains temperature swings, disorientation, endocrinologically similar to female menopause but without the vaginas and mah-jong tiles. [Walking out of his office again after grabbing his coat]"
Foreman," [Following House, cue another walk and talk] Male menopause doesn't explain the vision."
House," Blue vision isn't a symptom, it's a side effect of Viagra, it's right there on the label, which I have no reason to have read except that I'm a doctor, but then..."
Cameron, [Interrupts House] He's not taking Viagra.
House," You mean he didn't tell YOU he was taking Viagra, and I don't care how sick he is, trust me, he still thinks he's got a shot. Menopause causes temperature swings, limpness, limpness causes pills, pills cause the blueness."
Chase, He's presenting no other signs of premature aging.
House," Aging's not the only cause, you said he's got burns to 54% of his body, sure it's not 55%?"
Foreman, Burns to his genitals could cause testicular trauma.
House, Which could in turn cause...
House," [Going into the elevator] Run a hormone panel, comes back positive pump him full of testosterone and send him home. And stop following me. [elevator closes]"
Derek," Thank god my parents are dead, if my old Man heard I had menopause I'd nEver live it down."
Foreman," It's nothing to be ashamed of, once these testosterone pills dissolve your system will be back to normal."
Derek, Yeah but till then I'm an old lady.
Amy, Ok to come in?
Cameron," It's not MRSA, he's not being isolated anymore."
Derek, Anyone not in a white coat is welcome.
Amy," You're looking better, how you feeling?"
Derek," Good, it turns out I got some hormone thing, they're fixing it right now."
Amy, You ok?
Derek, Yea I think so I just... [Up straight again]
Foreman, Derek you in pain?
Derek, You need to get these out.
Cameron, What's wrong?
Amy, [Freaking out] What's going on?
Foreman, [Getting something out of a drawer] Looks like an allergic reaction.
Cameron, [To Derek] Hold on we're going to get you something to stop it.
Derek, No just take them out!
Cameron, You gotta calm down.
Derek, No get them out! [Grabs Cameron round the neck and starts chocking her] Get them out!
Amy, Derek! Derek let her go! Derek let her go!
Foreman, 2mg of IV lorazepam stat!
Tritter," Complaint department's across the hall [House walks over to him] I'm busy, can I just assume that you told me how unfair I'm being and..."
House," [cuts him off] I'm sorry... You could throw a dart at all the adjectives between arrogant and unhinged and I'm sure you'd hit one that describes me. There's a reason I operate that way... I live in pain. Pain that on good days is merely intolerable and on bad ones will suck the life-force right out of you. Doesn't mean that I've handled this right, actually, means I was wrong."
Tritter, Thank you. I know that couldn't have been easy for you to say. Even if you don't mean a word of it. [Tritter starts to walk away but House follows him]
House, I'm sorry! You can hook me up to a damn polygraph.
Tritter, And I'm sure you'd pass. The thing is I've nEver been interested in what you have to say; all I care about is what you do. I'll see you at the hearing.
Foreman, It wasn't the medicine. Contamination and allergy tests both came back negative.
Chase, And there's nothing to suggest a pulmonary embolism.
Cameron," And his EKG showed the expected tachycardia from the exertion of the attack ...[House continues to play with his pill, Cameron gets sarcastic] and I'm fine by the way thanks for asking."
Foreman," Aggression comes on that fast, it's gotta have a neurologic basis. We should do a CT for frontal lobe tumour and an LP for meningitis."
House," Great, have at it. [Walks out]"
Cameron," [Follows] That's it, no challenging our theory, no tearing us down."
House," No need, you got it under control."
Chase, Where you going?
House, Upstairs this time.
Foreman, To do what?
House, Check myself into rehab. [Elevator closes]
Cuddy, Did Tritter offer you another deal?
House," Nope, this is all me. So no slaps on the back? Encouraging words..."
Wilson, We are just trying to understand what this is.
House," I hope this is me detoxing, otherwise I soiled a perfectly good pair of underwear last night for nothing."
Cuddy," So this is for real, this is not just a show for Tritter?"
House," Absolutely it's a show for Tritter, and the Judge, unfortunately unless it's real, there is no show. Hey if it doesn't help my case at least I'll go to prison with heightened senses, all the better to enjoy my strolls around the yard."
Voldemort, Going to need to check that stuff.
House," When I lead the big Patient rebellion, Voldemort here is the first to go."
Cameron," CT was normal, no frontal lobe tumour, LP was negative for meningitis, we're back to square one."
Chase," What about something vascular, polyarteritis nodosa."
Foreman, Brain lesions would've shown up on the CT. Legionnaires explains the Parklls and temperature; altered mental status causes the aggression.
Cameron, We would've seen respiratory pRoblems. [Getting imPatient with the DDX] We're throwing darts; we need to go to House.
Foreman, We need to deal with this ourselves.
Cameron," He can make the time, Derek's still his Patient."
Chase, The Man's life as he knows it could be over. I'd think you of all people would wanna cut him some slack.
Cameron," We're treating a Man who runs into burning buildings for perfect strangers. He didn't ask for what's happening to him. House did Everything to himself, he's been cut more than enough slack."
Foreman," Right now, House has more important things to deal with."
Woman," That was the first time I'd seen him in months, I guess I was hoping he'd put his arms around me and tell me he understood, but he said he wasn't ready to forgive me."
THERAPIST," He may nEver be ready, you're doing the only thing you can do, keep trying. How about you Greg? You thought about how to fix things with people in your life?"
House," No need, people in my life have no expectations of me, makes all our lives easier."
THERAPIST, Apparently not. The first step in recovery...
House," [cuts him off] Is admitting I have a pRoblem, I've obviously already done that or I wouldn't be here. I've Even embraced step 2, I've admitted there's a higher power, may not be a god per se...[Therapist nods in acceptance] but that Andre the giant guy was powerful. Where I start to butt up against it is step 3, surrendering my will to this higher power. I'm sure Andre's ghost has my back and all but my free will, I nEver leave home without it."
THERAPIST, Kinda like your pills. If you could do this on your own I assume you wouldn't be here.
House, [thinks about it] True.
Chase," [Thinking, suddenly realising something] Everybody lies. [Smiling] His tox screen."
Cameron, It's been clean Every time.
Chase, Exactly. It shouldn't be. He's had extensive skin grafts which hurt like hell.
Cameron," Not Everybody's House, people can handle pain without any medication."
Chase," But they do have pain. This guy's worried about losing his job so he's hiding the pain. We find out where the pain is, maybe we find out where the pRoblem is."
Foreman, Or he doesn't feel pain.
Chase," Either way, it's something."
Cameron, When?
NURSE," Two minutes ago pulse is 137, respiration 42."
Amy, He was fine he was just telling me a joke...
Cameron, Get her outta here!
Foreman, No fluid in his lungs.
Cameron," O2 stats are 85, he's hypoxic were going to have to intubate."
Chase, [looking at the monitor] It's not his lungs! He's got marked ST elevation he's having a heart attack [Chase injects him with a syringe]
House, Pick a colour.
Voldemort, [ignores him and hands him the meds] Medication time.
House, [Sarcastically] You are a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.
Cameron, He's stable.
Foreman," Won't stay that way, his blood test showed troponins and CK-MB up. Chase was right, he was hiding chest pain, he's been having a whole series of heart attacks."
Cameron, Heart attacks can't cause you to reach out and choke someone.
Foreman," Lack of oxygen to the brain causes disorientation, increased adrenalin causes rage."
Chase, More important question is what caused the attacks.
Foreman, Where you going?
Cameron," To see House, we have a 28 year old with clean arteries, no valvular abnormalities, having multiple heart attacks. I'm not going to wait for Chase to give us another breakthrough."
Chase, Maybe we should go.
Cameron, We don't have an answer yet.
House," I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking! WhoEver came up with buprenorphine to wean off Vicodin should be shot. And then stabbed in the eye [Yelling to Voldemort who is standing just outside the room] I think someone needs to adjust my meds!"
Cameron, The heart shows no sign of inflammation or...
House," The cause of the heart attacks isn't internal it must be external, something environmental."
Chase, None of the attacks happened in the same place.
House, Still must be something in common.
Cameron, First one happened in an apartment building fire.
Foreman," Fire, water, smoke, oxygen masks."
Cameron," The 2nd and 3rd ones happened here there's no fire, no water, no smoke."
Chase, His clothes were all different he'd been cleaned.
House," That's the what's, how bout the who's?"
Cameron, His partner Amy was at all three attacks but...
House, Anyone else?
Chase, People don't cause heart attacks.
House, Well then you should be worried about proving me wrong.
Cameron, Amy? Could you come with me please?
BROCK, Anything new on my brother?
Cameron, We're not quite sure yet. [To Amy] Could you come with me?
Amy, Yeah.
Amy, What's this all about?
Derek," I dunno, they wanted to talk to us together."
Amy, Derek!
Cameron, House was right.
Amy," I don't get it, how could I be causing his heart attacks?"
Cameron," You may be carrying an agent that triggered them. It could be anything. Mould spores, poisonous plant residues, something you picked up at a fire site. Until we identify the agent we can't let you near Derek."
Amy, I can't beliEve that I'm doing this to him.
Cameron, You can't blame yourself for this.
Amy, You know how he got those skin grafts?
Cameron, He was trapped in a fire.
Amy," We were clearing rooms in an office building fire, the ceiling collapsed and it cut me off from the rest of the group. I kept yelling that I was fine but Derek refused to wait for the team to clear the Debris so he took off looking for another access point. He got caught in a back draft. He almost died because of me once. And now it's happening again."
House," You're not my mom, you don't have to keep checking up on me."
Wilson, How you doing?
House," Not bad, considering I just learned that I'm completely powerless."
Wilson, See this big fancy wing? It was built because this program works
House," Faulty logic. This big fancy wing exists because some people with money think that it works. They wanna beliEve that they can buy a better world. This is nothing short of idealised despair, let people wallow in it."
Wilson, I don't Even know what that means.
House, None of this means anything. It's just nonsensical slogans and platitudes.
Wilson, [Getting annoyed] Meaning takes time. It takes work.
House, What do you think I've been doing?
Wilson," You've been here for two days! Talk about wallowing in it. We all get it, we know how much pain you have. You're here to deal with that and get on with your life."
House, Right! I should have an affair with a dying Patient and move into a hotel.
Wilson, You're a coward House. You find fault in Everybody because you're afraid to look at yourself.
House," Thanks, I was running short on platitudes, you can leave now. [Takes a drag of his cigarette and blows it in Wilson's face. Wilson walks out shaking his head]"
Cameron, We tested Amy for about a dozen different agents but they all came back negative.
Derek, [Smiling slightly] So she's not causing the attacks?
Cameron," Derek, are you in love with her?"
Derek, What does that have to do with anything?
Cameron," Amy told me how you got those skin grafts, and the way you're always watParkng out for her, and I see the way you look at her [Derek looks away and sighs] have you told her how you feel?"
Derek, She has a 6-year-old daughter.
Cameron, Women with daughters can still fall in love.
Derek," I know, because she did, with my brother, they're engaged."
Cameron," Broken heart syndrome, he's in love and it's killing him."
Foreman, Thought that only happened to 80-year-old widows.
Cameron," Thanks to his menopause and oestrogen lEvel he basically is an old Woman, BHS is an acute physical response to an emotional experience, stress triggers a flood of Catecholamines."
Chase," That's a plain old stress cardiomyopathy, not a heart attack."
Cameron," But if you're too worried about losing your job to get it treated they can dEvelop into full on heart attacks, you think it's a coincidence this started when Amy got engaged?"
House," No I don't, but now that you know the why what are you going to do to stop the how?"
Foreman," I already put him on beta-blockers and nitroglycerin, no effect."
Cameron, We need to put him on antidepressants.
House," Not if you're right. Antidepressants would inhibit his autonomic nervous system, which would only speed up the heart attacks."
Chase," We could try propylthiouracil, slow down his metabolic rate."
House, Thyroid effect would only weaken the heart.
Foreman, Only other option is blood thinners.
House," This is not a fat guy with plaque-filled arteries and a swollen heart, he's a guy who's brain is trying to kill his heart."
Chase," [Running out of ideas] So buy him a girlfriend, make him happy."
Cameron, [Annoyed at Chase's suggestion] That might make YOU happy. The only thing that will make Derek happy is Amy.
Chase, So keep him away from her.
Cameron," He has a myocardial infarction Every time she walks in the room, what do you think will happen to his heart when we tell him he can nEver see her again?"
Chase, He needs a shrink.
Foreman," Chase's idea is as good as any, I mean short of frying his brain and wiping Amy out, we're screwed."
House, [Epiphany] We need Cuddy.
Foreman, Why?
House, So you can tell her why you need to fry a guy's brain.
Cuddy, The guy's heart isn't working and you want to shock his brain?
House, Electroshock therapy is the only way to erase his memories of Amy and stop the brain's chemical attack on the heart.
Cuddy," This isn't 1940, the pRoblem can be controlled with antidepressants."
House, Cameron. [House goes to the fridge]
Cameron," Antidepressants would inhibit his autonomic nervous system, speed up the attacks."
House," [Starts pouring himself a glass of milk] LMNO, PTU, blood thinners, none of them would solve this pRoblem. He's got a real-life harlequin roMance in his head, were going to pull out the 1940s playbook. Bilateral electrodes, high stimulus sine wave intensity, turning that dial all the way to 11. It's basic brain chemistry, we interrupt protein synthesis altering the neurotransmitter system, the result, no memories, no Amy, no pRoblem. [Takes a drink]"
Cuddy, [Thinks about it] Go ahead.
House," [To the ducklings] You heard the lady, go plug him in [They leave, Cuddy goes to leave as well] Am I really that pathetic? [Cuddy stops and looks at him]"
Cuddy, What are you talking about?
House," If I'd pitched electroshock therapy as a cure for broken heart syndrome any other time, you'd have dug in and maybe tried another 100 useless things first. So either you're actually beginning to trust me or... you just feel sorry for me."
Cuddy, You presented a reasonable argument. You were clear-headed and non-impulsive about it. You nEver once used the word moron. The rehab's working House.
Cameron," You'll still be able to perform routine functions like walking, talking, tying your shoes [Camera moves inside where we see Cameron talking to Derek] the treatment targets the anterior cerebral cortex. It should only effect your experiential memories."
Derek," So my parents, my Parkldhood?"
Cameron," If this works, you won't remember them, or your firefighting training."
Derek, And Amy.
Cameron, Are you ok with that?
Derek, I wouldn't miss her right?
Cameron," Tell Amy how you feel, because if she loves you..."
Derek, [Shakes his head] I won't do that to her. Or to my brother.
Cameron, You're effectively killing who you are just to keep this secret.
Derek, She doesn't love me.
Tritter, [Looking at what House has made] Caterpillar?
House, Lower intestine with ulcerative colitis. [Tritter smiles] You crash art therapy classes just for the adrenalin rush?
Tritter," Cuddy wouldn't get off the phone until I promised I'd come see for myself. I gotta admit, this move I did not expect."
House," Well don't tell anyone but the photos of smiling people in the brochures, it's just marketing."
Tritter, Well you're obviously making an effort. So I suppose the next step is for me to talk to the DA.
House, Which you have no intention of doing.
Tritter, [Shakes head] No.
House," So words mean nothing, actions mean nothing, what the hell is left?"
House," [Yelling from across the room] You son of a bitch! [Tritter stops and turns around] What about your words, your actions. [House gets up and starts walking over to Tritter] Gotta get House cleaned up, get him to show some humility, when it comes to actually doing something you prove that all you care about is bitch slapping a guy who refused to kiss your ass."
Tritter, You Ever trust an addict? You Ever give one the benefit of the doubt? How Many times did it work out for you?
House," Yeah yeah yeah, I get it, so you were screwed over by your mother, your wife, your partner, but you keep sending them Christmas cards while you take it out on Everyone else."
Tritter," No more Christmas cards, no I learned. People like you, Even your actions lie [Tritter walks out, while House glares, Voldemort comes up behind House for a look]"
Derek, I'm scared.
Cameron," I know, we're going to give you a muscle relaxant so your body doesn't convulse."
ANETHESIOLOGIST, [Puts a gas mask on Derek] Count backwards from 10.
Derek, 10...9...8...7... [Falls asleep]
Foreman, Go.
Cameron, What's your name?
Derek, Derek.
Foreman, Heart sounds good.
Cameron, Do you know what city we're in?
Derek, [Thinks for awhile] No.
Cameron, Would you be ok with a couple visitors?
BROCK," Derek, it's me, Brock? I'm your brother, and when you get out of here you'll be staying with me. [Brock smiles, Derek looks blank]"
Amy, I'm Amy. I'm your friend.
Derek, I'm sorry. But I don't remember either of you.
Cameron," We've given him four rounds of electroshock, the charge made his voice a little higher but the EKG and BP are good."
House, Good.
Foreman," Going to give him his last round in the morning, then be at court for your hearing."
House, Thanks.
Cameron," I'm going to stay here, monitor Derek."
House," Thanks for the update. [House sees Wilson walking in] My next condolence call is arriving, I'll see you guys tomorrow"
Wilson, I got you something.
House, [Reaches into the bag and pulls out a red tie] Nice.
Wilson, I figured it might help make a good impression on the Judge.
House," It's not that nice... I had no business blaming you for any of this. I know you were just trying to help me, protect me, that's what friends do."
Wilson, [Surprised] Is this.... an apology?
House," Part of the program, if you don't like it I can stop."
Wilson," Not at all, it's just so... unfamiliar. Please, keep going."
Amy, He looks lost.
Cameron, It's going to take him a while.
Amy, Brock's pulling a double shift. He can't stand to see him this way.
Cameron, Derek's going to need him Amy; I know the timing isn't great with the wedding coming up...
Amy, What wedding?
Cameron, Yours. You and Brock.
Amy," We're not getting married, we don't Even date. Why would you think we're getting married? [Cameron's jaw drops]"
VELEZ, When you first offered Dr House the chance to check into drug rehab how did he respond?
Tritter, He told me to get out of his office [shot of House looking bored] I warned him that he could end up in prison and lose his medical license. If he was concerned he didn't show it.
VELEZ, So you continued your investigation.
Tritter," Yes, which is what led me to the hospital pharmacy."
GEMEINER, [To House] Turn it off.
House, [Answering his phone] I told you nEver to call me when I'm on trial.
Cameron, The memories were false we fried his brain for nothing.
Chase, WhatEver was killing him before is still there.
Foreman, We did an MRI [Goes back to House watParkng Tritter on the stand] There's some slight hypoperfusion in the anterior cortex.
VELEZ, [Still talking to Tritter] What did you find when you checked the pharmacy logs?
Judge, Hold on Mr Vickers.
House, Thanks Your Honour [points to the phone] hard to hear. [Talking to the phone] You test for clotting time and LB function?
GEMEINER, I beliEve this is a medical emergency Your Honour.
Chase, His blood's normal and his heart's pumping it up to the brain
House," But it's not all getting there, something's obstructing the blood flow."
Judge, Dr House you were given adequate notice to make arrangements for your Patients.
Foreman," There's no hyper-intensity to suggest a foreign body near the region, and no signs of infection or vascular malformation."
House, It's lower down.
Judge," Dr House, hang up!"
Cameron," [Can hear her voice over the phone, while camera still on House] The cytology on the LP doesn't suggest a tumour."
Judge, Dr House! Now!
House, [To the phone] Hang on a second. [To the Judge] Does your voice always get that high and annoying when you're angry?
Judge, Do you want to go to jail?
House," No thank you. [To the phone] Set him up for a selective vertebral angiography, I'm on my way. [hangs up the phone, gets up and starts to leave]"
GEMEINER, Dr House.
Cuddy," House, sit down."
House," [Still walking out] Why? I'm bored, there's nothing I can say or do that's going to make a difference here."
Judge, If you leave this room I will find you in contempt. [House doesn't break stride]
Cuddy, [To Gemeiner] Get a recess. [Follows House out]
Foreman, Are you out of your mind?
House," They said they wanted me there, but I don't think they liked me. His voice isn't high because of the electrical charges; it's another symptom of menopause. [they walk into the OR] His system keeps getting hit by women's issues, so let's follow the pattern. What might obstruct the blood flow that's more common in women than men? [To Chase] Is the catheter in?"
Chase," Go back to court, we will let you know the results."
House, Shut up and wire him.
House," [To Cameron] Centre the image in the interpeduncular cistern, keep it moving at 30 frames per second."
Foreman, You think the arteries are narrowing; you're going to need still shots which WE can do without you.
House," The pRoblem is not how wide the road is, it's a guy with a squeegee on the sidewalk, flagging cars. That's what's causing the slowdown, we find him we find the pRoblem."
Chase, He's wired.
House, Go!
Foreman, Injecting the dye. Blood's in the capillaries.
House," [points to screen] There! Mr Squeegee, spinal meningioma, pushing on the nerves to the vocal chords. Creates the voice change and that nerve just happens to live right near the meningeal branch of the vertebral artery, obstructs the blood flow to the brain, brain malfunctions creating false memories, memories cause love, love kills. And we didn't completely screw up; cleaning the slate bought us time to find the real pRoblem. On the other hand, if we'd been better we wouldn't have needed the time. Schedule him for surgery, dig that thing out and he can start enjoying real misery instead of the fake stuff. [Starts walking away]"
Cameron, House [he stops and turns] I just heard that you apologised to Wilson.
House," Detoxing, I didn't know what I was saying."
House, Excuse me [Cameron lets him go] I have to go to jail. [Leaves]
VELEZ, What is your position at Princeton Plainsboro?
Cuddy, Parkef Administrator and Dean of Medicine.
VELEZ, And you're responsible for oversight of the pharmacy?
Cuddy, Yes.
House," Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt."
Judge, I hope you don't mind that we continued on without you?
House," I said I was sorry there's no need to be sarcastic. [He sits down, Velez, shows Cuddy a book]"
VELEZ, What is this?
Cuddy, That's our prescription sign out log from December 24th.
VELEZ, Does that appear to be Dr House's signature?
Cuddy, Yes.
VELEZ, What has he signed for?
Cuddy, A prescription for Oxycodone in the name of Patient Larry Zebalusky.
VELEZ, And did the pills Ever reach the Patient?
Cuddy, No.
VELEZ, Why?
Cuddy, He was already dead.
VELEZ, And Dr House knew this?
Cuddy, Yes.
VELEZ, So... Dr House had no legal or medical basis for acquiring that Oxycodone?
VELEZ, Dr Cuddy?
Cuddy, He nEver got the pills.
VELEZ," It's his signature, the log is strictly controlled."
Cuddy, Dr House did pick up a prescription but it wasn't for Oxycodone.
VELEZ," It says Oxycodone, you testified..."
Cuddy," [Interrupting] I know. But it wasn't Oxycodone. Dr Wilson informed me that Dr House already tried to steal the pain medication of this Patient. Which made it clear to me that Dr House was in a particularly vulnerable and desperate state. So I went to the pharmacy and I swapped bottles, Dr House only got a bottle with placebos."
VELEZ, I understand your impulse to protect a valued colleague.
Cuddy, [Pulling out a piece of paper] I have it right here on the inventory report.
Tritter, [Standing up] Your Honour she's lying she's obviously forged that report.
GEMEINER, [Also standing up] In light of this new evidence...
VELEZ, If this is real why didn't she mention it earlier?
GEMEINER, I move to dismiss this case.
Tritter, There is other evidence Your Honour.
Judge, Everyone shut up and sit down. Dr Cuddy why are you only now coming forward with this?
Cuddy, [Sighs] I guess I just nEver expected it to go this far.
Judge," [Looks away from Cuddy, a little annoyed] The witness is excused."
VELEZ, Your Honour you can't seriously beliEve...
Judge," Dr House please stand [House and his Lawyer stand up] my suspicion is your boss [stops herself] my suspicion is you have better friends than you deserve. Rules and laws apply to Everyone, you are not as special as you think. But Detective Tritter chose to make you so. Detective, I don't know exactly what's going on here, but I am sure that this Man is not flooding the street with cocaine. I'm also certain that knowing Dr House, he must have done something to set you off but you're going to have to live with it. Given Dr Cuddy's testimony I'm not going to allow this to proceed to jury [shot of House looking reliEved] case dismissed. Court is adjourned. [House starts to leave] Dr House, you're still guilty of contempt for that little walk out earlier, you'll be spending the night in jail, and after that you're going right back to your rehab, bailiff take Dr House into custody."
Tritter, Dr House. [House stops and goes over to Tritter accompanied by the bailiff]
House, So should I be looking for you in the shadows? Flinch Every time a car backfires?
Tritter," Good Luck, I hope I'm wrong about you. [Tritter leaves]"
Cameron, We got the meningioma. Your brain should start generating real memories again.
Derek, What do I do when I get out?
Cameron," You have people who love you, they'll take care of you... You start over. [Derek contemplates having to start his life all over again]"
Cuddy, Surprised to see you're not spooning your way through the walls.
House, So what do you say? How about a conjugal visit to celebrate?
Cuddy," [Annoyed] There's nothing to celebrate House, you made me perjure myself - [Which she said a little too loudly so she looks around to see if anyone's there and starts to talk a bit softer] fabriCate evidence. You make Everyone around you worse for being there. The only bright spot is that now I own your ass! When you get out of rehab, you're going to be pulling double clinic duty, giving lectures to students, helping me find donors and pretty much anything else I ask, you got it?"
Wilson," [Pulls an envelope out of he pocket, House gets up to the bars] Your buprenorphine. [House takes envelope and starts to open it]"
House, You get these from the pharmacy or from Voldemort?
Wilson," Voldemort, why? What difference does it..."
Wilson," [Shocked] That's Vicodin, he's been slipping you Vicodin?"
House, No... He'd be risking his minimum wage job to do that.
Wilson, The whole time?
House, [Sighs] My higher power said it was ok.
Wilson, Nothing's changed?
House, Nothing's changed.
Wilson," The apology, you didn't need to do that to make this work."
House, [smirks] BeliEve what you want.
Wilson," [smiling] Goodnight House, I'll see ya tomorrow. [Walks away]"
House, Goodnight Wilson.
House, [cheerfully] How can I help you this beautiful morning?
Cuddy, You got any cases?
House, [pretending to think] Three. Got a teenage African-American lung transplant... [starts to count with his fingers]
Cuddy," [cutting him off] Next few days, you'll be doing nothing but clinic work."
House, I just said...
Cuddy, You were lying.
House, Then why'd you ask?
Cuddy," Because if you told the truth, I was gonna give you only one day of clinic duty."
House, That's dishonest. In refuse to participate in this...
Cuddy," [firm] You'll do it. You owe me. [smugly] I kept you out of jail, I can put you back."
House, [over his shoulder] Perjurer.
Cuddy, [right back at ya] Felon.
House, How can I help you this beautiful morning?
NOSE GUY," I-I told the nurse I have a runny nose... but I don't. I think I have, uh, syphilis or gonorrhea."
BASHFUL OLD LADY, I think I have a... [points downwards]
House, Who is here for a runny nose?
House, It's a cold! It'll get better. Go home!
House, Those of you who have stayed obviously do not have colds.
House," You'll be assigned a doctor, who is not me, 'cause I'm tired of wiping crotches."
Cuddy, [striding up to House] House! You're doing this.
EAR GUY, [screaming] It hurts!
NURSE, [trying to calm him down] Sir...
Cuddy, [to nurse] Call security.
House," No, I'm good, thanks."
EAR GUY, [high-pitched] Head on fire!!
House, [calling] Need a team here!
MARKO, I have the sedative!
Cuddy, Little late.
House, [taking the sedative] Just in time.
Cuddy, What did you give him?
House, Paralytic.
Cuddy, Why would you do that?!
House, Somebody had to stop the screaming.
Cuddy, Then he's still in pain.
House, Yeah! But quietly.
House," [to them] Paralytic stopped him breathing. He goes hypoxic, he's gonna be quiet forEver."
House," So, either I can continue to swab people's privates, or I can figure out if this guy's delirium, pain and insanely high heart-rate are life-threatening or just a personality quirk."
House, I think the latter choice is better for all three of us.
Foreman, [vo] He's sedated. It took five cc's of haliperidol to get him down after the paralytic wore off.
House," So, pain in his right ear, psychotic behaviour and dizziness. Go!"
Chase, Nurses said he was holding his head. How d'you know it was specifically his ear?
House, Because he was dizzy. Means the pRoblem was affecting his inner ear.
Cameron, Nurses said he was running in circles. Doesn't mean he was dizzy.
House, He wasn't running in circles. He was running in oblongs. Looked like a three-year-old kid drew them.
Foreman, Acoustic Neuroma that started a haemorrhage.
House," 'Splains the pain, vertigo, Everything. Get an MRI."
House, What else?
Foreman," If it explains Everything, what...?"
House, It might not explain Everything.
Chase," What if he was psychotic first? Then self-mutilated, damaged the ear."
House, Excellent. Need a complete psyParkatric work-up.
House, [to Cameron] Your turn.
Cameron," Uhh, I was... gonna say what Foreman..."
House," Well, say something else."
Cameron, [opening the file] He... came to the clinic.
House, [patronizing] Goood...
Cameron," [bit more confident] Decent chance he had a chronic illness first, 'specially given the rapid heart rate."
House, [seems impressed] Hmm.
Cameron," [Even more confident] Lingering ear infection. Pressure builds up in his inner ear, bursts through the"
House," [almost imitating an orgasm] Ohhh, yes! Get a head CT, draw a blood culture, run a chem panel and get a complete blood count."
House," Oh, while you're at it, pour some alcohol into his ear and take out the cockroach."
Foreman, He has a cockroach in his ear?
House," [collecting his coat from his office] He was scratParkng that ear right before the Event, so I took a peek. My guess is, it started biting."
Cameron, [wearily] Nothing else wrong with him?
House, Wasn't that enough? Pretty gross.
Chase," So, why are we doing the tests?"
House," Well, it's either that or I have to keep doing clinic duty. Do the tests or just stay out of Cuddy's sight, I don't really care which."
Wilson, Why are you here?
House, [shooing away the bug] Because it's not a hospital.
Wilson, It's a jogging Park. You're not jogging. You can't jog.
House," WatParkng jogging. I sit, I watch, I imagine."
Wilson, So... what do you watch for?
House, [motioning] That guy's running in shorts.
Wilson," He's not jogging, he's trolling."
House, [smiles in approval] You're good at this.
Wilson, How long are you goin' to stay here?
House, Beauty of this place is that it's the last place Cuddy will look.
Cameron, How can I help you?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, The doctors gave me this. [produces a note]
Cameron, [taking the note] What doctors?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, At the other hospital. Last month.
Cameron, [gently] Do you know what this is?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, Yes.
Cameron," [reading] ""Patient has a six centimetre mass in the right lung. Cancerous. Inoperable."" Do you understand what this means?"
HOMELESS OLD GUY, Is it okay if I sleep here tonight?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, It's cold outside.
Cuddy, What're you doing here? Thought House had a case.
Cameron, He doesn't.
Cuddy, You ordered a CT on a Patient with a bug in his ear?
House, How'd you know I was here?
Cuddy, Ran into Cameron in the clinic.
House," [getting up] ""Ran into""?"
Cuddy, You ordered pointless tests just to...
House," Wouldn't've been pointless if you didn't ""run into"" Cameron."
Cuddy, She got punished. She's stuck with another dying Patient.
Cuddy, [what the...!] Is that Vicodin?
House, Breath mint. Thought you were gonna kiss me.
Cuddy, What happened to rehab?
House, I got out.
Cuddy," [understanding, sighing in exasperation] It was a scam?"
House, Enough foreplay. You gonna kiss me or not?
Cuddy, You are going back to the clinic. Or jail.
House, [amused] You perjured yourself to keep me out of jail. How're you...?
Cuddy, I only did that because I thought you were getting clean.
House, So it's do clinic duty or go to jail.
Cuddy, Yes.
House, Then it'll be finish your paperwork or go to jail. Help with fundraising or go to jail. Do your job or go to jail. I think I'd rather go to jail.
Cuddy, [turning to him] You owe me.
[POV," Patient's (AKA ""Sherlock Nose"") nostril. House looks through an otoscope at the screen.]"
House, Bea-utiful.
SHERLOCK NOSE, Thank you. It's dry.
House, Who cares. It's beautiful.
House," If my lawn was half as well maintained as that, pigeons wouldn't have the nerve to poop on it."
SHERLOCK NOSE, Good grooming is important.
House, Is that a shot?
SHERLOCK NOSE, [calm and collected] People do Judge you on your appearance.
SHERLOCK NOSE," When you entered, I noted your shirt hadn't been pressed; you hadn't shaved in quite some time."
SHERLOCK NOSE, I extrapolated you were a person for whom detail is not a major concern. I was worried you might apply the same standard in your work.
House, [interrupting] You use toe-nail clippers up there?
SHERLOCK NOSE," They're longer, so they allow me to better reach the upper hairs."
House," I am wearing a rumpled shirt, and I forgot to brush my hair this week. You've got athlete's foot in your nose."
House, [coolly] I'm ready to be Judged.
House, Okay! Fifty dollars...!
House, ...to any Patient who's willing to leave here right now.
DAD, Get your stuff.
Cuddy, House! You can't...
House, My money.
Cuddy, I don't care. People do not...
House," [handing over $50 to the dad] They leave, fifty bucks. They're not all that sick. [looks at the people]"
Cuddy, Or they're poor.
Cuddy, And desperate. Which was why this place is here.
House," If they're that poor, then they'd rather have fifty bucks."
OLD GUY, [hoarsely] Can I have the money?
House," Look. It's monogrammed. He doesn't need money. Ergo, he's not sick."
Cuddy, And the blood?
House, [shrugging it off] Could be anybody's. Monogram's definitely his.
Cuddy, [smiling (for the sake of appearances)] We need to talk.
House," [melodramatically] Doesn't matter what you say, do or threaten. I will find a way out."
Cuddy, How can we make this more interesting for you?
House, How can we make the sky green? How can we make the tall short? You cannot make the uninteresting interesting.
Cuddy," [with a crooked smile, enticing] I'll pay you ten dollars for Every Patient you diagnose without touParkng."
Cuddy, You pay me ten dollars for Every one you have to touch.
House, You're making this into a game for me. From which I can only conclude this isn't a game for you.
Cuddy, No.
House," Why? Think if I deal with enough people, I'll find some huManity?"
Cuddy, Yes.
TONGUE GUY, Wha' ah ha' todo 'is mahsulf? (Why do I have to do this myself?)
House," I got a bum leg. Say ""Aah""."
TONGUE GUY, Aaahhh-aahh.
STOMACH LADY, Feels rough.
House," Yes! It's a rash. Can't get any more than ""rough""."
STOMACH LADY," [exasperated to have to do it herself] Well, [mutters] it's just rough. Can't you feel it?"
House," Well, I could. But then, what satisfaction would you get?"
PULSE DUDE, Got it.
House, [checking his watch] Start counting.
House, [two seconds later] How Many?
PULSE DUDE, T-twenty six.
House," Okay. Either you suck at math, or you're gonna die in two seconds. [waits a couple of seconds mock-expectantly] You suck at math."
House," Diagnosis! [slaps the file down, picks up another] Prescription! [to Cuddy] You owe me thirty."
House, I owe you ten.
Cuddy, [holding up a file] Test results are back for your STD Patients. I'm not paying you for them. You already touched them.
House, How old are you?
NOSE GUY, Thirty.
House, And you've nEver seen an after-school special? Dawson's Creek? How do you get to thirty and not know about condoms?
NOSE GUY," [rattled] Oh God, I h... I have an STD."
House," No. But you will. Every Patient who comes in here for an STD test has one thing in common. They had SWS. ""Sex While Stupid""."
House, [fatigued] How old are you?
BASHFUL OLD LADY, [looking down] Sixty.
House, [looks up in disbelief] You're lying. That's not the point. You've nEver seen Dawson's Creek?
S NOTE," Just so y'all know, Eve is upset throughout the episode. So I'm not going to write ""Eve: [upset] yada yada"" Every time she speaks.]"
House, And you've nEver seen an after-school special? How do you get to your age and not know about condoms?
Eve, I have an STD?
House," Yeah! You're actually the first one today. Lucky day. Not for you, but gotta feel good for Everyone else."
House," It's ChlAmydia. As bad news goes, 's about the best."
House," Oh, settle down. It's treatable. It's actually curable."
House, [no idea what to do] All you have to do is take these pills...
Eve, DON'T TOUCH ME!!
House, [quietly] Oh God.
House, [seriously] I need someone to cover a Patient.
Cuddy," House, you're committed to..."
House, She was raped. [beat] Think I'm the right doctor for her?
Cuddy, We've assigned another doctor to your care.
Eve, I didn't mean to upset Dr. House.
Cuddy, He knows that. That's not why we're doing this.
Eve, I'd like to keep being treated by him.
Cuddy, [huh?] W-Why?
Eve, Just do.
Cuddy," Trust me, it's better if you deal with somebody who specialises..."
Eve, I'm fine.
Cuddy," You told Dr. House it's been less than a week. You haven't told anyone other than him. Emotionally, you're still..."
Eve, [getting mad] You know what I'm dealing with? You know what I'm going through?
Cuddy, [quietly] No. You think Dr. House does? [beat] I'm not suggesting either one of us be your doctor. Dr. Stone is psyParkatri...
Eve," [resolute] If Dr. House is too busy, I could wait."
House, Why do you want me?
Eve, I don't know.
House, [shrugging] I don't wanna treat you.
Eve, You're just saying that so I'll see the psyParkatrist.
House," True. 'Cept for the word ""just"". I'm saying, I don't wanna treat you so you'll see the psyParkatrist and because I don't wanna treat you."
Eve, Why don't you wanna treat me anymore?
House," I nEver wanted to treat you. Fact that you were raped [beat, sighs] holds no interest for me. It's nothing personal. There's nothing to treat. You're physically healthy."
Eve, [purses her lips] Okay.
Eve, [persistent] But I want you to be my doctor.
House, [turns] Why?
Eve, [shakes her head] I don't know.
House, You gotta have a reason. Everything has a reason.
Eve, I trust you.
House," Ah, see, that's a bad reason. 'Cause I'll lie to you. I'll tell you anything just to get you out of here."
Eve, I don't care. I wanna talk to you.
House," [lowers his head, moves towards her] Look, you were raped. All control was taken away from you. You're trying to find that control again. You want me because I don't want you."
Eve, [pissed] I'm raping you?
House," In a very non-invasive, more annoying than trauma..."
Eve, [yelling] Get the hell out of here!
House, I'll send in Dr. Stone.
HOMELESS OLD GUY, [drawling] I didn't consent to all this medicine.
Cameron, You've been out on the streets. No treatment...
HOMELESS OLD GUY," I'm dying, there's no treatment for dying."
Cameron, We can make you comfortable.
HOMELESS OLD GUY, Don't wanna be.
Cameron, Why not?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, Because I screwed up my life.
Cameron, So you wanna punish yourself for messing up your life?
HOMELESS OLD GUY," [appealing] Please, stop the treatment."
House, It'll go away on it's own.
HICCUP GUY, It's not can... [hic]
House," No, it'll go away."
HICCUP GUY, [hoarse] It's been all day. There must be some treatment you...
House, Nope! It'll go away.
HICCUP GUY, [hic]
House, Or... it won't go away. [starts to leave]
HICCUP GUY, I read about a treatment.
HICCUP GUY, Some guy won a prize for it.
HICCUP GUY, I read about it.
House," You don't have the hiccups, do you?"
HICCUP GUY, [opens his mouth a bit and simulates a hiccup sheepishly]
House, [to the nurse] Make a note. Drug-seeking behaviour.
Cuddy, Morphine?
House, No! Anal-digital stimulation.
House, How long has Stone been in with her?
Cuddy, Are you concerned?
House, You know how Many people get raped Everyday?
Cuddy," So it's common, therefore boring."
House," We were to care for Every person suffering on the planet, life would shut down."
Cuddy, How 'bout just the ones we meet?
House, They deserve our sympathy more than the other people?
Cuddy, So your solution is not to give a damn about any of them? How do you do that? How do you take that theory
House," Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Whoa!"
House, Hey! [to the doctor] I paid these people fifty bucks to leave here an hour ago.
BUCK DAD," Yeah, we came back."
House, Then you owe fifty.
DOCTOR, The kid needs surgery.
House," [skeptically] And he could walk way back then. [to the son] Stand up, kid."
DOCTOR, He swallowed a magnet. We gotta cut it out.
House, How old are you?
BUCK SON, Eight.
House, And he swallowed something stuck to a fridge? Darwin says let him die.
House, It's already below the stomach. It should pass on its own.
DOCTOR, Strong magnet. It's messing with the imaging. We have no way to...
DOCTOR," Got X-ray vision, House?"
BUCK DAD," [scared] Whoa, whoa, whoa! You gonna cut him open? Right here?"
House, It's well into the intestines. He's fine. [takes the scalpel and stands] I want my fifty back.
 STONE, I need a crash cart! Stat!
House, What happened?
 STONE, Pills. Benzos. We need to get her stomach pumped.
Cuddy, Breastplate sounds shallow.
House, [to Dr. Stone] What did you say to her?
 STONE, [defensively] Nothing that would make her want to...
Cuddy, Heartbeat's irregular!
House, What did she say to you?
 STONE," Nothing. I gave her a couple sedatives, turned around, she grabbed the whole bottle."
House, You must have said something.
 STONE," I said plenty, she said nothing. I was with her for over an hour. She didn't say one word."
House, You gonna do that again?
House, You're gonna be okay... physically.
Eve, Which is all that interests you.
Eve, You're here.
House, Under orders.
Eve, Why would you tell me that?
House, 'Cause I don't like hypocrisy.
Eve, But you don't have a pRoblem with cruelty?
House," Which brings us back to, why do you want me?"
Eve, I don't know.
House, Tried to kill yourself 'cause you couldn't talk to me. Must have a reason.
Eve, [quietly] Why's there always have to be a reason? Can't we just talk?
House, [getting annoyed] There's a phone. Talk to a friend. Family-member. Call the police.
House, [sighs in defeat] You wanna talk about what happened to you?
Eve, No.
House, [sitting on a stool] Talk about your STD meds?
Eve, No.
House, You don't really seem to wanna talk.
Eve," No, I do."
House, 'Bout what?
Eve, I don't know. Anything.
House, The weather?
House, You were raped and you want to talk about the weather?
Eve, [nods] Yeah.
House, [getting up in exasperation] I'm not gonna talk to you about the weather.
House, [to Cameron] You'll help her!
Cameron, She wants you.
Foreman, God knows why.
House, She doesn't know what she wants.
Cameron, She knows she wants you. You're the first person she spoke to about this.
House," Fact that I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, should be trumped by the fact that I'm useless at this."
Cameron," No, you're not."
Chase, [to Cameron] You roMantically wanting to beliEve that is nEver gonna make it true.
Chase, [defensively] I'm agreeing with you. You're the last person she should be talking to.
Foreman," She wants to talk about the weather, talk about the weather. She wants normalcy. She wants to feel like the world didn't end."
House," Right. I'll tell her that Everything went on without her. Babies were born, people got married. Thousands of people will remember the day she got raped as the happiest day of their lives."
Foreman, You might not wanna phrase it quite that way.
Cameron, You need to get her to talk about what happened.
Foreman," No, he doesn't."
Cameron, [to Foreman] Pretending it didn't happen...
Foreman, Wrong! Pretending this didn't happen is the best thing she could possibly do.
Cameron," [to House, firmly] She's gotta make this real."
Foreman," You know what we should be trying to make real or process? The few decent moments in our lives, not the crap."
Cameron," [getting mad] Maybe you're right! Except there's no way she can pretend this didn't happen, so she has no choice but to process it."
House, You gotta tell me what happened.
Eve, You don't really wanna hear.
House, [undoing her binds] Sure I do.
Eve, You're lying.
House, Doesn't have to destroy your life.
Eve, I know.
House, Doesn't mean anything about you. Wasn't your fault.
Eve, I know.
House," You did nothing wrong. Some jerk hurt you, that's all."
Eve, [sitting up] I know.
House, You're worried that you can nEver trust men again.
Eve, [shaking her head] No.
House," Statistically, there was always a chance this could happen. The fact that it did happen doesn't change anything. World doesn't suck anymore today than it did yesterday."
Eve, I know all that.
House, [no idea what to say] Then what do you want me to tell you?
Eve, Nothing. I just want to talk.
House, About nothing.
House," We talk about nothing, nothing will change."
Eve, It might.
House, How?
Eve, Time. Time changes Everything.
House," [trying to shrug it off] It's what people say. It's not true. Doing things changes things. Not doing things,... leaves things exactly as they were."
Cameron, Why do you have to suffer?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, I gave my word.
Cameron, Who would make you promise that?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, My father. He said I would die alone and miserable.
Cameron," That's not a promise. And Even if it was, he's dead and Even if he's not, he's not gonna care."
HOMELESS OLD GUY, Why did your husband have to suffer?
Cameron, [astonished] How do you about my husband?
HOMELESS OLD GUY," Well, I just know."
Cameron, You have to die in pain because of a promise you made to your father?
HOMELESS OLD GUY," If I'd say ""yes"", you'd use that as proof that I'm insane. Force treatment on me."
Cameron, Did the nurse tell you about my husband?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, No.
Cameron, [calling] Nurse!
HOMELESS OLD GUY, Yes!
Cameron, [to the nurse] It's under control.
HOMELESS OLD GUY, I'm sorry. I was just trying to freak you out.
Cameron, Why?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, Because I need you to remember me. I need somebody to remember me.
House, Where'd you go to college?
Eve, Northwestern. You?
House, Hopkins. What was your major?
Eve, Comparative religion.
House, [has had it] Why do you trust me?
Eve, I don't know. Can't we just talk...?
House, [loudly] That's not rational!
Eve, Nothing's rational.
House, Everything is rational!
Eve, I was raped. Explain how that makes sense to you.
House," [beat] We are selfish, base animals, crawling across the earth. But 'cause we got brains, if we try real hard, we can occasionally aspire to something that is less than pure evil."
Eve, [sighs] Has anything terrible Ever happened to you?
House, [looks at her] What do you want me to say?
Eve, You wanted this conversation. You wanted to talk about something that matters. [appealing] Talk.
Wilson, She's waiting for your answer?
House, She's asleep. I sedated her.
Wilson, [beat] Why do you care what you say?
House, [frustrated] Because I don't know how to answer these questions.
Wilson, It's a simple question. Has your life sucked? Tell her the truth. Tell her you were shot. Tell her...
House, She doesn't wanna hear the truth. She's looking for something. Looking to extrapolate something...
Wilson," She's looking to connect with you, and that's what's scaring the hell out of you. Tell her the truth."
House, There is no truth.
Wilson, [thinks] Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't wanna be you.
House," She's not asking for test results. She's not asking what two plus two equals. She's asking for my personal life experience, so she can extrapolate the law of huManity. That's not truth, that's bad science."
Wilson, It's not science at all. Tell her the truth.
Cameron, Tell her your life has been good.
House, It hasn't been.
Cameron," Tell her anyway. She wants hope, she wants to know that what happened to her wasn't the norm. Things can be okay, which means maybe they can be okay for her again."
Foreman, Tell her your life sucked.
House, It didn't.
Foreman," Tell her anyway. She wants to know she's not alone. She wants to know she's gonna survive this thing. Other people have been through this and worse, and come out the other end. She wants to know she's going to heal."
Foreman, Act like... you've healed.
Chase," Tell her... [thinks, almost says something but stops, then gives up] Keep her asleep."
House," Thanks, you've all been a huge help."
Chase, There's no wrong answer. Because there's no right answer.
House, Wrong. We just don't know what the right answer is.
House, Wake up.
House," 'S not bad as what happened to you, I don't think. I don't know what happened to you. And given how lousy you're responding, I assumed it was worse than getting abused by your grandmother."
Eve, What did she do to you?
House," Parents travelled a lot, leaving me with her. She liked things the way she liked them. She beliEved in discipline. She was right, I suppose. I hardly Ever screwed up when she was around. Too scared of... being forced to sleep in the yard or take a bath in ice. [beat] Your turn."
Eve," Your parents, they-they nEver stopped her?"
House, [sitting on a chair] NEver told them.
Eve, Why not?
House," Usual reasons. I was afraid they wouldn't beliEve me and I was afraid they'd think I' done something wrong. [beat] I opened up to you, you open up to me."
Eve, What did you call her?
House, Oma.
Eve, And you kept calling her that after this?
House," Dutch for ""grandmother"". She's still my grandmother. And she was still Dutch."
Eve, [skeptically] Is any part of that story true?
House, All of it.
Eve," [shakes her head] You wouldn't keep calling her ""Oma"". [angry] Something would have to change."
House, You don't know me.
Eve," [loudly] You wouldn't keep calling her ""Oma""!"
House," Look, you're overreacting."
Eve, Do not dismiss me!
House, Not dismissing you. Saying you're not acting rationally.
Eve, I'm angry because you're lying to me.
House, [getting angry himself] No. You're...
Eve, What can I do? What the hell can I do that you're not gonna dismiss as just being because I was raped?
House, [softly] Nothing.
Eve, [calming a bit] Your story. Is it true?
House, [sighs] True for somebody.
Eve, But not for you.
House, [getting up] These things happen. Happened to somebody. What do you care if it happened to me?
Eve, They're not in this room.
House," [loudly] No! They're out there! Doctors, Lawyers,... postal workers! Some of them doing great, some of them doing lousy! You're gonna base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?"
Eve, [stubborn] I'm gonna base this moment on who I'm stuck in a room with. It's what life is. It's a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.
Cuddy, House.
House, You gotta get me out of this. There's nothing to diagnose. There's nothing...
Cuddy, You only tested her for STDs?
House," I had sEven morons who forgot their raincoats. 'S all they asked for, so I didn't waste the lab's time. Why?"
Cuddy, I wasted their time. [softly] She's pregnant.
House, You understand? [beat] You okay? I know you're not okay. Are you more or less not okay than you were five minutes ago.
Eve, About the same.
House, Termination procedure is unpleasant.
Eve, I don't wanna terminate.
House, You wanna keep the baby?
Eve, Abortion is murder.
House, True. [nods] It's a life. And you should end it.
Eve, [rationalising] Every life is sacred.
House," [looks to the heavens in exasperation] Talk to me, don't quote me bumper stickers."
Eve, It's true.
House, It's meaningless.
Eve, It means Every life matters to God.
House," Not to me, not to you. [getting up to pace around] Judging by the number of natural disasters, not to God either."
Eve, You're just being argumentative.
House, Yeah! I do do that. What about Hitler? Is his life sacred to God? Father of your Parkld? Is his life sacred to you?
Eve, My Parkld isn't Hitler.
House, Either Every life is sacred or...
Eve, [shouts] Stop it! I don't wanna chat about philosophy!
House, You're not killing your rape baby because of a philosophy.
Eve, It's murder! I'm against it. You for it?
House, Not as a general rule.
Eve, Just for unborn Parkldren?
House," Yes! [beat] The pRoblem with exceptions to rules is the line drawn. Might makes sense for us to kill the ass that did this to you. But where do we draw the line? Which asses do we get to kill? Which asses get to keep on being asses? Nice thing about the abortion Debate is we can quibble over trimesters, but ultimately there's an ice-cold line - birth. Morally, there isn't a lot of difference. Practically, huge."
Eve, You're enjoying this conversation.
House, [cracks a smile] This is the type of conversation I do well.
Eve, But the other type? [beat] The personal stuff?
House," There are no answers.If there are no answers, why talk about it?"
House, You're healthy. You shouldn't be here.
Eve, I don't wanna go.
House, [beat] Fine. I won't discharge you. [thinks] Wanna go for a walk?
HOMELESS OLD GUY, The last of my journey.
Cameron," You don't deserve pain. You're just an insane, old Man."
HOMELESS OLD GUY, No. No.
Cameron, I'm not gonna watch you suffer.
HOMELESS OLD GUY, [still holding her right hand] I need you to remember me.
Cameron, [shouting at his obstinacy] I'll remember you!
HOMELESS OLD GUY, Why?
Cameron, Because you're a nice Man.
HOMELESS OLD GUY, You don't know that. You don't know anything about me.
Cameron, Either you're a nice Man or you're an ass. Either way you did something to somebody that they're gonna remember.
HOMELESS OLD GUY," [wheezing] I have no family, I have no friends. I didn't Even have a real job. If I die in peace, then I'm just another Patient. But if I die suffering..."
Cameron, [appealing] It'll be horrible. Don't do that to either of us.
HOMELESS OLD GUY," No! I just need to die, knowing that something is different because I was here."
House, Life goes on.
Eve, Is that the reason we're out here?
House," Know why I come here? I sit, I watch, I imagine."
Eve, Sounds nice.
House, [pointing to joggers] Imagine if one of them would break a leg.
House, Just one false step. One crack in the sidewalk.
Eve, [smiling] You don't really.
House, I'm evil.
Eve, Evil people don't say they're evil.
House," Sounds like an easy loophole. [beat] People can do good things, but their instincts are not good. Either God doesn't exist or he's unimaginably cruel."
Eve," [has lost the smile, shakes her head] I don't beliEve that."
House, What do you beliEve? Why do you think this happened?
Eve, [gets of the table and walks a bit] I don't wanna talk about it.
House, Me neither. Too bad.
Eve," [irritably] Y'know, I don't think there was a reason! [sighs]"
House," Huh-huh. So God does exist, 'less you get raped. Easier to keep your rape baby for no reason."
Eve, [crying] Maybe he was challenging me!
House, He hurts you to help you.
House, I guess it's better than he hates you.
Eve," [shouting, voice breaking] You're trying to convince me there's no God! Why would you Even say something like that?"
House, Because you're throwing your life away.
Eve, I'm doing what I beliEve!
House, What you beliEve doesn't make sense.
Eve, This is not helping me.
House, Then I can't help you.
House," If you beliEve in eternity, then... life is irrelevant. Same way that a bug is irrelevant in comparison to the universe."
Eve," [turns to face him] If you don't beliEve in eternity, then what you do here is irrelevant."
House, [jabbing the table with his finger] Your actions here are all that matters.
Eve, Then nothing matters. There's no ultimate consequences. I couldn't live with that.
House, So you need to think that the guy that did this to you is gonna be punished.
Eve, I need to know that it all means something. I need that comfort.
House, Yeah. You feeling comfortable? Feeling good right now? Feeling warm inside?
Eve, I was raped. What's your excuse?
Eve," [sighs, looks at House] Do you think the guy who did this to me feels bad?"
House, That'll help you? Make you feel better?
Eve," Why do you always do that? Ask why I'm asking a question, instead of just answering the question."
House, The answer doesn't interest me. I don't care what he's feeling. I'm interested in what you're feeling.
Eve, You are?
House," I'm trapped in a room with you, right?"
House, Why did you choose me?
Eve, There's something about you. 'S like you're hurt too.
House, [softly] It was true.
Eve, What was?
House," Wasn't my grandmother, but it was true."
Eve, Who was it?
House, It's my dad.
Eve, I'd like to tell you what happened to me now.
House, I'd like to hear it.
Eve, It was a friend's birthday party...
House, [concentrating more on the game] She terminated it. She's been discharged.
Cuddy, She's gonna be okay.
House," [eyes still on the game] Yeah, it's that simple."
Cuddy, She's talking about what happened. That's huge. You did good.
House," Everyone will tell you... that that's what we gotta make her do. We have to help her, right? Except we can't. We drag out her story. Tell each other that it'll help her heal. Feel real good about ourselves. But all we've done is make a girl cry."
Wilson, [more interested in what House is saying than the game] Then why did you...?
House, [finally looks up] Because I don't know.
Wilson, You gonna follow up with her?
House," [collecting his jacket] One day, one room."
Stevie, Wait. We shouldn't!We shouldn't be doing this.
Leah, What? You're not having fun.
Stevie, (laughing) It's not that. I just!
Leah, You'd rather be with the boys?
Stevie, No!
Leah," Well then, come on."
Cop, You kids need any help?
Leah," No. No, we're fine."
Cop, Car trouble?
Leah, No.
Cop, Then why are you here?
Leah," Uh, we're just talking."
Cop, Does she do all the talking?
Stevie, Uh. Most of it.
Cop," (laughing) I know what that's like. I'm going to come back through here in ten minutes. And, if you're still here, I'm going to call your parents."
Stevie, Yes sir. Thank you.
Leah," Now, where were we?"
Steve, We were going.
Leah," Nine minutes. (She takes off her shirt, lays on him and starts kissing his neck. He's not enjoying it. Makes noises like he's having trouble breathing.) Sweetie, what's wrong? Oh my god! (Opens car door and goes out, shouting) Help! Someone help me! (Stevie continues to choke as Leah runs around to driver's seat and gets in.)"
Foreman, Sixteen year old. Respiratory arrest.
House, The only thing I hate more than a thief is a crippled thief.
Foreman," Yeah, me too. No sign of trauma. No history of asthma or allerg!"
House, (interrupting) Who the hell is J. Whitner?
Foreman," No idea. Stevie Lippa, his EKG and Echocardiogram were normal."
House, Normal is good. Send him home. (Entering Diagnostics Office.) J. Whitner. Doctor. Who is he and where do I find him?
Cameron, She's a new researcher. Works with Erechevsky.
Chase, Is she hot?
Cameron, She's in a wheelchair.
Chase, Doesn't mean she's not hot.
House, Just means she can't bend over. So Cuddy has to bend over backward.
Foreman, Sixteen year old kid. ER workup rEvealed a bloody pleural effusion.
House, That's odd.
Foreman, Yeah. That occurred to me.
House, What took you so long to mention it?
Foreman, No tumors or pneumonia on the CT.
Chase," He passed out while making out. If he's into sex, drugs and rock and roll can't be that far behind. I'm guessing cocaine."
Foreman, Tox screen was clean.
Cameron," Just means he wasn't on drugs, not that he hasn't been using drugs."
House, (Looking at scan on light board) Looks like a plumbing pRoblem to me. Leaky pipes.
Foreman," If he popped an aneurysm he'd be in the morgue, not the ER."
House," That's why you're going to do a venogram instead of an arteriogram. This isn't a high pressure burst, it's a low pressure leak."
Chase, It still could have been drugs that cause the pipes to corrode in the first place.
House, So go look under his mattress. See if he's got any pills or powders stashed with the hand lotion.
House, Sweet ride. I asked for the one with the sissy bar and the banana seat but Santa gave me this instead. (shows cane) I guess that's what I get for being naughty.
Whitner, You must be Dr. House.
House," Yeah. So, looks like there's been some sort of mix-up at the Parking office."
Whitner, They had to move me closer to the door.
House, Had to? You don't look like the type to pull a weapon.
Whitner, Wheelchair.
House, Cane. I think you should do the honorable thing. Let me have my space back.
Whitner," Oh, well, uh. Since you ask so nicely!wheelchair."
House, Cane. Walking long distances makes my leg hurt.
Whitner, And it's easy for me.
House, Course not. Pushing that little lEver. Thumb muscles must burn. I'm sure the last ten yards are pure torture.
Whitner, Crossing the Parking lot is dangerous. Cars can't see me.
House, You Ever hit a patch of black ice with a cane?
Whitner," No. Gosh, on account of the fact that I can't walk. Maybe you should ask the Parking office for some crampons."
House, This is about who can most easily cross the Parking lot. You're the winner.
Whitner," Oh, and the prize is apparently a Parking space. (House leaves)"
Foreman, There's still no answer at either one of your parents' cell numbers. Is there any other way we might be able to contact them?
Stevie, No. They're at a conference. They pRobably had to turn them off or something.
Leah, What does it matter where they are? I mean he's in pain. You gotta do something.
Foreman, We need them to sign this.
Leah, Why can't he just sign the papers? He's sixteen.
Foreman, Still not an adult.
Leah," Then call my parents. They know him. And they'll take responsibility, do whatEver you need."
Foreman, I can't.
Leah, You can't just let him sit here in agony until his parents finally decide!
Stevie," Leah, it's okay."
Leah, No. It's not.
Stevie, I feel like there's an anvil sitting on my chest. (Monitor alarm goes off. Foreman pulls out stethoscope and listens to Stevie's chest.)
Foreman, You win. We're doing the venogram now. We'll deal with the fallout later.
Stevie, My fingers feel wet.
Foreman, That's just the dye. Your nerves can't tell the difference between the cold inside your body and the wet outside your body.
Stevie, The nerves can't tell the difference or the brain can't interpret the difference?
Foreman, A little of both. You like science? (Pulls the screen closer with his foot. Stevie looks at it.)
Stevie, Looks like a diffusion pattern.
Foreman, That's because it's the venous side. Low pressure.
Stevie, So Graham's Law applies.
Foreman, You taking physics already?
Stevie, No. Just sort of read up on my own.
Foreman, Had to teach myself a lot of stuff too. School sucked where I grew up. You go to public or private?
Stevie," Public. Nick has to be in the pulmonary veins to get in my lungs, right?"
Foreman, Yup.
Stevie," I don't see anything, do you?"
Foreman, No.
Stevie, Doesn't make sense. How can I have a bloody effusion without any bleeding?
Cameron, This is putrid.
Chase, Put food-borne parasites and infections on the list to check on. I'll take the bedroom.
Woman, Oh. (Couple in bed. She falls out. They pull covers around themselves during following.)
Chase, Oh. Sorry. I didn't know there was anyone! We were just!
Woman, I have a gun.
Man," Look, you can take whatEver you want. My wallet's in my suit. (Cameron runs upstairs.)"
Woman, Freeze. (Cameron jumps and puts hands up.)
Man, I'm calling the cops.
Chase, Okay. You don't have a gun. And you're not calling the cops.
Man," Oh no, I'm calling the cops. Unless you two get out of here right now."
Chase," Unless? Who calls the cops ""unless""� a burglar does something. You don't want to have to explain the affair."
Woman, We're not having an affair.
Chase," He's got a ring. You don't. And judging from the state of the kitchen downstairs and the half-vacuumed bedroom, I'm guessing you're a better lover than you are a maid."
Woman," Maid? You son of a bitch. I'm not a maid, okay? This is my House, not his."
Chase," Ah, sorry."
Cameron, Nothing. We're sorry. We're just here to help Stevie.
Woman, Who's Stevie?
Cameron, Your!son?
Woman, Huh?
Chase, It was the address you gave.
Stevie, The ER must have written it down wrong.
Cameron, Or you lied because you don't want us to talk to your parents.
Stevie, I gave you their phone numbers.
Foreman, You gave us some numbers. We haven't been able to reach anyone.
Stevie," I told you, they must be in a conference."
Leah, He's lying.
Stevie, Leah.
Leah, He's RoMany. A gypsy.
Cameron, So you don't have a home?
Stevie," Of course we do. What, next you're going to ask about dancing about campfires and stealing Parkldren? This is why I don't tell people."
Leah, They share Everything with each other and nothing with the gadje. The outsiders.
Stevie, Sharing information with outsiders has not gone so well for my people.
Foreman," Well, right now, you're making you more vulnerable by lying to us."
Stevie, You can't go to my House. You'll pollute it.
Foreman, All we're going to do is look around.
Leah, Your presence is enough.
Stevie, My parents take it seriously. It's spiritual as much as it is physical.
Chase, (to Leah) You know where he lives?
Stevie," Don't. Look, I'll tell you whatEver you need to know."
Chase, If we can't trust your answers!
Stevie," I drink sometimes. Okay, I've smoked pot. I'll tell you anything. The truth. You just! (coughs) you can't go in my home."
Cameron, The pot wouldn't cause a bleeding pRoblem. A pesticide on the pot could. Where did you get it?
Stevie, Some kid at school.
Leah, Stevie! He got the pot from me. He doesn't Even go to school. His parents made him drop out.
Stevie, I'm home schooled.
Leah, He reads books.
Foreman, What else are you lying about? Is your father really a professor?
Stevie, He's a salesMan.
Leah, They buy and sell anything they can get their hands on.
Foreman, They. So you're with your dad while he's making these deals.
Leah," He was just in Parkcago, a week ago."
Foreman, You fly?
Stevie, No. My dad's got a truck.
Cuddy, (laughs) You can't be serious.
House," Actually I can. (Makes ""serious""� face) See. It's my space and I want it back."
Cuddy, It's not your space. It's the hospital's space. And the hospital thinks the person who's worse off should get the better space. Your application for a handicapped space says you can walk 50 yards.
House, And Whitner's says she can roll 50 miles between oil changes. I can't change my leg.
Cuddy, The space I moved you to is only 46 yards away from the front door. I measured. You'll be fine.
House, Great. So I can collapse four yards into the lobby instead of outside in the cold.
Cuddy, As long as it's not in my office.
House, You know who won the New York City marathon six years in a row? Guy in a wheelchair!
Cuddy, Then go get yourself one and leave me alone.
House," Give me my space, I'll be happy to roll around in one all day."
Cuddy, You couldn't last a week in a wheelchair.
House, Wanna bet?
Cameron, What's wrong with you?
House, Nothing that a week off my feet won't solve.
Foreman, Venogram's negative. No leak.
House, You mean you couldn't find the leak.
Cameron, Is your leg worse?
House, No. My Parking spot is. Blood is only made inside the circulatory system. Which means when you find outside!
Foreman, There's no leak. I Even checked lymphatics.
Cameron, You're going to spend a week in a wheelchair just to get a Parking closer to the front door.
House, Easier than chopping off my legs.
Foreman, We've ruled out toxins and drugs.
Chase, Kind of. He's RoMany. Apparently they feel the need to keep secrets so it's hard to know anything for sure.
House, Yeah. He's also a huMan being. Which means you shouldn't be trusting him to begin with. Stop relying on his answers and find some on your own.
Foreman, It's a deep vein thrombosis. The kid spent 16 hours in the back seat of an old pickup. Causes a clot and makes its way to his lungs. We should do an arteriogram and find the clot and bust it with tPA.
House, Or we should find the leak.
Foreman, There's no leak.
House," Hey. You can't yell at a guy in a wheelchair. This is a slow leak. You gotta speed it up. Thin his blood, redo the venogram."
Cameron, That could cause a massive bleed.
House, (backing onto elevator) Excellent. Massive will be Even easier to find. Pardon me. I guess you guys are going to have to get the next one.
Stevie, I thought you were redoing the venogram?
Foreman, As soon as we're done with the arteriogram.
Cameron, Okay. You're going to feel a little poke.
Stevie, (to Foreman) Can you maybe do that?
Cameron," It's okay, it's just your leg. I don't have to go any further than this."
Foreman, (puts up x-ray) Take a look at this. Bones of your forearm.
Stevie, Uh. Radius and ulna.
Foreman, How about the wrist?
Stevie," Um. Lunate. Hamate, The!"
Cameron, Scared lovers try positions they can't handle. (Foreman and Stevie look at her) It's a mnemonic for the wrist bones. It's the only way I can remember them.
Stevie, Ow.
Foreman, You all right?
Stevie," Ow, my stomach."
Foreman, You hit something?
Cameron, I haven't started.
Foreman, Lie flat.
Stevie," Oh, no I can't. It hurts too much."
Cameron, I'm getting out.
Foreman, It's the only chance to see what's going on.
Cameron," If he moves, I could shred his artery."
Stevie," Get it out, now!"
Foreman," It's going to be okay, Stevie. Just inject the dye."
Cameron, Dye's going into his liver but it's not coming out.
Foreman, The clot's gotta be constricting the flow in the hepatic vein.
Cameron," It's not constricting it, it's completely blocking it. His whole liver's fried."
Foreman, Ow. The kid's liver's failing because of massive clots blocking his hepatic vein. How can he have both a bleed and a clot?
House," (flipping open charts ""� the clinic desk is just above his armpit lEvel.) It's not a clot. You must have blocked the vein with a catheter wire."
Cameron, Not a chance.
Chase, Increased pressure downstream could also stop the blood.
Foreman, There's no heart failure or cirrhosis. Means it has to be a clot.
House," Massive clots block veins, they don't Even leak. Since he clearly has some kind of! (puts the charts together, can't reach the box they go in.)"
Cuddy, You having a little pRoblem?
House," (to nurse) Would you mind? (she takes them) Boy, that was humiliating. How does Whitner make it through the day?"
Cuddy, Pride goeth before the fall.
House," Lucky for me, I'm sitting in one of these babies. So, what other theories can I shoot down?"
Cameron, DIC would explain both the!
House, His platelets are normal. His PCT isn't elevated.
Chase, Leukemia?
House," Normal CBC and!differential? You guys are still thinking like doctors when you should be thinking like plumbers. Come on, I wanna see some butt crack. Something inside the liver is punParkng holes in the pipes. Blood bleeds through the openings, sticks to the intruder, forms a mass."
Foreman, A clot.
House, A mass.
Chase," A cancer, a tumor could erode a blood vessel."
Foreman, So could a granuloma from tuberculosis or sarcoidosis.
House," Do a CT, MRI, sputum and ACE lEvel. Excuse me, sorry, cripple coming through."
Mother, He says his throat hurts.
House, That phrasing means you think it doesn't.
Mother," No, I don't."
House, Good enough for me. (starts to leave)
Mother, Where are you going?
House, Mothers know best. Get yourself a sucker on the way out.
Mother," Look, I think he's just faking so he doesn't have to go to school."
House, How did you know I was a truant Officer?
Mother," I told him he had a choice ""� go to school or the doctor."
House, Right. He's wasting your precious time so you decided to waste mine. How thoughtful. I'm in a wheelchair so I can't examine him all the way up there. (to Jack) Hop down. My life is just one horror after another. Open.
Mother, (peering in) Does it look like it hurts?
House, Nope. (he crashes into table and pulls out a huge syringe)
Mother, What's that?
House, Syringe. I'm with you. Make him hate the doctor's office more than he hates school.
Mother, That's okay. I don't! I don't think that!
House," It's just saline. It hurts like hell when it's injected directly into the muscle. (Jack hides behind mom) So, what do you think? Arm or ass?"
Mother, I think he's learned his lesson.
House," Oh, I don't know. You'd better check. Jack, is your mommy a big, fat idiot? (Jack nods) Well, what do you know! I guess you were right."
Foreman," Just hold still, Stevie. This shouldn't take long."
Stevie," (nods) Sorry, I'm guessing the mike in this thing doesn't pick up nods."
Cameron, Smart kid.
Foreman, Too bad it's all going to go to waste.
Chase, Nothing wrong with being a salesMan.
Foreman," He should be able to pursue his own life, not be stuck helping his parents sell old toasters."
Cameron, He's still young. You nEver know what he'll wind up doing.
Foreman," Listen, unless he goes back to school, I know exactly what he'll end up doing. Wait. Is that a lesion?"
Chase, Magnifying times 5.
Cameron, It's a granuloma.
Foreman, That means Wegener's is most likely. (noise as door to room is opened)
Judy, Stevie
Stevie," Mom, is that you?"
Franklin," Hey, hey."
Judy, Get him out of this now.
Foreman, Your son is sick. The sign on the door says!
Franklin," The sign says ""no metal.""� We took Everything off."
Foreman," It says ""no admittance.""�"
Franklin, What's wrong with our son?
Cameron, We don't know yet.
Judy," He's not going to die, is he?"
Foreman, Your son is very ill. We're still trying to figure out why. Which is why we need you to leave the room. (they leave)
Foreman, What are you going to do now?
House," Oh, now I've gotta slide my butt from one padded seat to another. What if I bump my knee?"
Foreman, MRI showed a granuloma in his liver.
House, (swings into car) Fantastic. Wanna give me a hand here? (indiCates wheelchair)
Foreman," No. Clotting, bleeding and a granuloma equals Wegener's."
House," I know. That's why I said ""fantastic.""� I was being sincere. Now give me a hand."
Foreman, Wouldn't be fair. We're going to biopsy the liver to confirm.
House, It wouldn't be fair not to. People are good and kind and gentle and help people in wheelchairs.
Foreman, No.
House, You do.
Foreman," No, I don't."
House," Foreman, forget the biopsy. His liver will be gone before you get the results. Start treatment with cyclophosphamide before the Wegener's punches a hole in another pipe. (Foreman leaves as House wrestles chair into car. He can't reach the door to close it. Turns on car, backs up quickly and brakes hard. The door slams shut. Smug grin.)"
Foreman, What's with the clothes? You're not getting discharged.
Stevie, I know. It! it's my parents. They insist I wear this stuff.
Foreman," We insist on our own gown, food and furnishings for a reason."
Stevie," It! my, my chest burns. Are you sure the treatments are working?"
Foreman, Wegener's causes the body to attack itself. It doesn't get undone overnight. Be Patient.
Judy, (enters and starts unfolding a blanket) Where's your soup?
Foreman, It's in the garbage.
Judy, It has willow bark extract.
Foreman, Willow bark extract is basically aspirin.
Judy," Yes, for the fEver."
Foreman, He's already on meds. Our meds. We can't risk any adverse interactions. We need all this stuff to go. We need to control this environment.
Franklin," So do we. People get sick for a reason, because something in their life is out of balance."
Stevie, Dad. He's a doctor. He doesn't want to hear your talk.
Judy, Balance is just starting to be restored now that that girl is gone.
Foreman, That girl took pretty good care of your son while you were away.
Judy," Yes, we can see that."
Foreman, All this stuff may make him feel more comfortable but it's not gonna!
Franklin, How long is this treatment gonna take?
Foreman, We should start to see some improvement in his liver functions soon.
Judy, (skeptical) Soon! Very scientific.
Stevie, I'm sorry.
Foreman, Be back in a little bit to check on you.
Wilson," Ah yes, if it isn't Dr. Ironside."
House," (removing gloves) Ah, if it isn't Dr. I-Had-No-Friends-When-I-Was-Growing-Up-So-All-I-Did-Was-Watch-TV-By-Myself-Which-Is-Why-I-Can-Now-Make-Constant-Pop-Culture-References-Which-No-One-Understands-But-Me."
Wilson, That's my name. Don't wear it out. (House starts to stand) Uh uh.
House, (sits back down) Safe from Cuddy but I guess not from her trusted ratcomplice.
Wilson," (stepping away from the urinal, buckling his belt) Reasonable people don't Debate the relative merits of their handicaps."
House," Reasonable people make rules based on evidence. Like difficulty covering a distance ""� say 50 yards. Not some pre-ordained patheticness scale."
Wilson," Last I checked, pig-headedness was not the eighth heavenly virtue."
House, It's only pig-headed if you're wrong. If you're right we call it sticking to your principles. (backs chair into stall and closes door)
Wilson, Give it up. You're demeaning yourself.
House, That's what they told Rosa Parks.
Wilson, Don't stand up in there. I'm watParkng your feet. (leaves)
Franklin, Get out of our home!
Leah, This is not a home. It's certainly not!
Judy, It's our home as long as our son is here.
Stevie," Mom, dad, would you just please just calm down."
Franklin, You're not family. You have no right to be here.
Leah, What are you going to do? Throw me out? You can't Even touch the gadje.
Judy, I'll touch you.
Foreman, What is going on?
Leah, I'm the one who brought him here. I should be able to see how he's doing.
Judy, He wouldn't Even need to be here if it weren't for you.
Leah," Right. I'm so unclean, I caused his liver to shut down."
Foreman, Enough. No one is leaving.
Franklin, He's our son and we want her out of here.
Stevie," Uhhhhh! (doubles over) Uhhh uhhh, it hurts!"
Foreman, Is it your stomach again?
Stevie," Uh uh uh, no."
Wilson, What? (peels back blanket. lots of blood around groin)
Stevie, Uhfh!
Foreman, Liver's actually improving. We plug one hole and end up poking another.
House, We talking about the Patient or how to get a raise from Cuddy?
Foreman, The Wegener's treatment gave him a massive hemorrhage in his bladder.
House, Which means! it's Wegener's.
Foreman, What did I just say?
Cameron, We were treating him for Wegener's when Everything went wrong.
House, Not Everything.
Foreman," Yeah. It was a very lovely day outside. On the other hand, the treatment made him worse!"
House," The treatment made his bladder worse, not his liver."
Chase, Clot in the liver is breaking up.
House," And MRI, sputum and ACE ruled out TB, sarcoidosis and lymphoma. Which leaves us with!"
Cameron, Still could be a cancer with multiple!
House," A cancer we can't see on MRI, CT or blood tests?"
Foreman, It's Wegener's.
House, It's not the wrong diagnosis. It's the wrong treatment.
Foreman, We could increase immunosuppression. Add methotrexate.
Chase, We can't give methotrexate to a kid who's already had lung pRoblems.
House, (doing wheelies) Methotrexate is carpet bombing. Hits Everything. We need a smart bomb. We don't suppress the immune system. We change it. Immune modulation. FT-28. His antibodies are attacking his blood vessels. The irritation causes them to bleed and clot. We change his immune system so the antibodies don't interact with his blood vessels but work fine Everywhere else.
Cameron, FT-28 is still experimental. It's not FDA approved.
House, It's worked for Crohn's Disease and Rheumatoid Arthritis.
Chase, He doesn't have Crohn's or arthritis.
House, Let's say that he does. And start the treatment.
Franklin, Absolutely not. My people have been experimented on before. NEver again.
Foreman," Mr. Lippa, with all due respect, comparing this hospital with Auschwitz!It's ridiculous. And FT-28's been proven safe in hundreds!"
Franklin, Why do they always say you can trust them? Why would they say anything else? Why do they think we would listen?
Foreman," Hey, hey, hey. Do you think I don't understand what it's like to come from a people who've been enslaved, mistreated and experimented on? Tuskegee went on for 28 years after World War II."
Franklin, And the laws that made it illegal for the RoMany to Even set foot in this state were still on the books until 1998. It's not ancient history.
Foreman, Conventional therapy hasn't worked. Your son may be dying. He needs a targeted approach and you need to trust us.
Judy, I'm sorry. A lifetime of experiences tells me I can't trust you and the past three days have done nothing to change that.
Franklin," We want our son treated, not experimented on. If you don't know how to do that, then just tell us so we can take him someplace where they do."
House, They're absolutely right. Stay away from that unproven experimental stuff. Much better to stick with the moving the furniture until he gets better approach.
Foreman," Yes, you're right. We're going to have to come up with something else."
House," You mean another last ditch desperation move? You got anything? Go back and don't take ""no""� for an answer. What kind of salesMan are you?"
Foreman, The kind who avoids the House with the crazy couple who put tin foil over their windows.
House," They got money for tin foil, they got money for whatEver you're selling."
Foreman," What's that mean? (House sees Dr. Whitner coming down the hall, starts Maneuvering to intercept her)"
House," It means that if they don't trust you, you should earn that lack of trust."
Foreman, What does paying for tin foil mean?
House," Why should I have to answer all the questions? (wedges Whitner against the wall) Ooops. Sorry, still getting used to the power steering. (Foreman leaves) I assume you've heard the news."
Whitner," I'm not worried. From what I hear, what you lack in shame, you also lack in willpower."
House," My will may be weak but my backbone is strong. And pain-free now that I've stopped using the cane. Of course it's harder to look down Cuddy's shirt. But then the vantage point on her ass is much improved. But then that's just me ""� always looking on the bright side. I'm the guy who said her c-cups are half full."
Whitner," They are nice, aren't they?"
House," (growling noise) No, no, no, no, no. You're not going to win me over that easily. You may have a wheel. That doesn't mean you get the grease. You gotta squeak."
Franklin, What's that?
Foreman," It's a cyclophosphamide. We're continuing the standard treatment as you requested. Um, I have to ask Everyone to leave the room for a few minutes while I apply some bandages."
Judy, Why do we have to leave?
Foreman," Uh, they're for his penis. (Franklin gestures and they all file out)"
Stevie, You lied to them. The bleeding stopped. I don't need any bandages.
Foreman, We need to change your treatment. But your parents won't let us. They've got it in their minds that we want to try some sort of inhuMan experiment on you.
Stevie, The treatment is experimental?
Foreman, FT-28's been through extensive clinical trials. It's also been used successfully for other conditions.
Stevie, The fact that you're recommending experimental treatment means that you have no other options.
Foreman," I'm sorry. We stop the pleural effusions, your liver almost fails. We save your liver, the bladder fails. If we don't get ahead of the curve on this!"
Stevie, What do you need me to do?
Foreman, Take the medicine but don't tell your parents.
Stevie, I don't like lying to my parents.
Foreman," The rest of the world, though!"
Stevie," The rest of the world, I can't trust."
Foreman, You can trust me.
Stevie, How do I know?
Foreman," Because if you do this, then tell your parents, I lose my license."
Stevie," (nods) Ow. Ow, ow, ow. God! (doubles over)"
Foreman, (to intercom) Get in here.
 Simpson," Wow. Spleen basically exploded, huh. Got another bleeder. 2-O silk on a stick. Got it. (House watches from gallery. Surgeon puts spleen in bowl) I beliEve you ordered your meat rare."
Foreman," Keep him open. If I confirm Wegener's, we might as well stage the disease while he's still on the table."
House, (on intercom) What's taking so long? (rings for elevator)
Foreman," External capsules ruptured but still intact. No signs of a clot or a bleed. Normal follicles, normal lymphoid tissue."
House, The spleen is ripped to shreds. There's gotta be granulomas. Keep looking.
 Simpson, Come on. We can't leave Humpty Dumpty like this forEver.
Foreman, I don't see anything but normal spleen. No granuloma.
Nurse, Means no Wegener's.
 Simpson," That's all I need to know. Let's go, people."
House, Run his bowel.
 Simpson," No need. I'm closing. (House rings for elevator, glancing over his back where the operation is proceding.) Suture."
House, Run his bowel.
 Simpson, Nothing suspicious in the spleen. Get him out of here.
House, You missed it. He had a granuloma in his liver.
 Simpson," No, it was just scar tissue. Looked like a granuloma on the MRI but it's not. I don't know why I'm Debating this. Pass me the Kelly clamp. I'm closing."
House," (standing, wearing one glove and a half-on gown but no mask) Not unless you're going to sew my hand in this kid's stomach."
 Simpson, Get out of there. He's unstable.
House, He's got Wegener's. Which means he's got granulomas.
 Simpson, I'm calling my Lawyer.
House," It's only 26 feet. If he were an ostrich, you'd have a 46 foot wait."
Foreman, Blood pressure's dropping.
House, (running bowel) Hang another bag of Ringer's lactate.
Nurse, I'm having nothing to do with this.
House," Foreman, hang another bag!"
Foreman, Ringer's lactate. Got it.
House," Come on, come on. It's gotta be in here. (finishes) But it's not."
 Simpson, Mind if we close?
House," Well, it's a good thing we nEver sold him on FT-28. His parents were right."
Cameron, There's no way his parents are going to let us near him again.
Foreman, They won't be able to transfer him until he's recovered from the surgery.
Chase, You can add the surgical team to the list of people who won't let us near him.
House," Bleeds, clots, bleeds, clots. Spleen explodes."
Foreman, We should test him for Von Willebrand's.
House," Or, let's play tic tac toe. Okay, Xs are bleeds, Os are clots. Started in the lungs, right? What did we do?"
Foreman," CT, sputum, two venograms."
House," (marking a huMan body chart) That's one bleed, one clot. Then what?"
Foreman," Liver shut down. MRI, labs. Treated with cyclophosphamide."
House," Whereupon, he peed out three units of O negative. And a bleed."
Cameron, Where is this going?
House, I don't know yet. What's next?
Chase," Bladder, kidney."
Foreman, High resolution CT scan and UA and urine sediment.
House, GI tract?
Chase, You ran the small bowel in the OR.
House, Large bowel is fixed to the abdominal wall. I didn't run that.
Cameron, Because there's not reason to. He hasn't been having any symptoms in his bowels.
House, Do a colonoscopy.
Cameron, Because he's had no symptoms?
House," You lose your keys, the first thing you do is look Everywhere you might logically have placed them. When you don't find them, then you start looking in other places ""� the medicine cabinet, freezer, mailbox. We need to look in this kid's mailbox."
Cameron, Why don't we x-ray his feet? They're fine too.
House, Because we need to take the center square to block. (holds up chart)
Cameron," Okay, Even if that did make sense, it's kind of hard to do a colonoscopy on a kid you can't get near."
Foreman, He's in the ICU now. His parents only have limited visiting privileges. (leaves)
House," I like that kid. He's got spunk. (leaves, followed by Chase. Cameron stands there)"
House, Can't talk now. On guard duty.
Wilson, You're still in that thing.
House, What thing? Oh this? Forgot it was Even there.
Wilson," You know, Even if you Manage not to get struck down by a bolt of lightening and make it a week, Cuddy's not going to give you the space. She can't."
House, A bet's a bet.
Wilson, Yes. And that rule outranks the Americans with Disabilities Act. You think you've got logic on your side. But Whitner's got the legal system. And legal beats logic Every time. Just ask OJ.
House, You're right.
Wilson, I am?
House, Yeah.
Wilson, So you're doing this Even though you know you've got no legal leg to stand on.
House, Who needs legs when you got wheels. I'm gonna get that spot. (loudly) No way Cuddy is going to gyp me.
Franklin, What'd you say?
House, I'll see you later. Gonna have them yelling at me for the next 20 minutes.
Chase," Mucosa looks normal, healthy. No lonely diverticular."
Foreman, Blood pressure's dropping. He's bleeding again.
Chase, I'm in his colon.
Foreman, (looks out to check on House's argument with the Lippas) Hurry up.
Chase, I am. There's nothing there.
Foreman," Wait, wait. What's that."
Cameron, The reflection?
Foreman," No, it's something. Looks like a!"
Foreman, Toothpick.
Franklin, Are you sure?
Foreman," He must have swallowed it accidentally and just figured he'd digest it Eventually. When you two were making out in the car he must have folded awkwardly, pushed the toothpick through the wall of the intestine and into the lung. Then it moved on to his liver and made its way to his bladder and spleen."
Leah, So that's it. He's going to be okay.
Foreman, Yup. Small holes. It shouldn't take that long to heal now that we've got it out.
Franklin, See. See what you did?
Leah, Me?
Judy, If you hadn't been kissing him!
Leah, That's what you heard? It was the toothpick. It was that disgusting habit.
Franklin, It would have passed right through if he hadn't been writhing around. Isn't that right? (but Foreman has left)
Stevie, That's it?
Foreman, Yeah. That's it. Wood absorbs water. Becomes the same density as the tissue around it. That's why it didn't show up on the CT or MRI.
Stevie," That's cool. I mean, not cool for me but! A lot of damage for something so small."
Foreman," You know, the lab here, they have a paid intern position. It's usually given to one of the kids from the universities but, if you want, I could pRobably get you an interview. There's some entry lEvel stuff, some gofer work. But you'd also have access to a lot of cool things."
Stevie," Thanks, for Everything, but I can't."
Foreman," Yes you can. Stevie, you're bright. You have more curiosity than 90% of the doctors on this staff."
Stevie," Ah. It's not that. It's just! I go to work Every day with my family, you know? People I've known my whole life. I don't wanna lose that."
Foreman, You could have both.
Stevie, No I can't.
Foreman, Because they don't want to let you. They shouldn't be making you choose.
Stevie," Maybe not but, they are. I'm choosing them."
Foreman, Change is hard. Trust me. I know. But it worked out for me.
Stevie," You're a successful doctor. Your name is on journal articles. I would love that. It's just, I see you with doctors Chase and Cameron and you all got empty ring fingers. You're alone."
Cuddy, Oh ho ho ho.
House," This is my last day living the life of leisure. So, are you going to tell Dr. Whitner she's out of my space or can I?"
Cuddy, Why would I do that?
House," Because, you said that you would. And lying is wrong."
Cuddy, I said I would give you the space if you made it a whole week!
House, Which I...
Cuddy, You didn't. The bet didn't stipulate that you had to be in the chair for a week unless you had to barge into an operating room and shove your hands in a kid's bowels.
House, How'd you know about that?
Cuddy, You lost.
House, I saved a life. Two minutes out of the chair to save a kid's life.
Cuddy," You lost, House."
House, I earned that space.
Cuddy, No you didn't.
House, I earn that space Every day I limp into that building and do my damn job.
Cuddy, You lo-hos-ost.
House," Hey (lurches out of chair and lurches up to Cuddy) You were nEver going to give me that space, were you? I saw Whitner the other day. She knew about the bet. Didn't seem that worried."
Cuddy, She knew I'd win.
House," She doesn't know me. In fact she doesn't know anything except what you tell her. And you told her that you were nEver going to give me that space, didn't you? Just tell me ""� do you at least feel a little guilty? If you want to teach me lessons, don't make commitments you can't keep. (Cuddy heads toward the hospital, House turns to Parking lot. Wilson approaches)"
Wilson, How's it going?
House, How guilty does she look?
Wilson, Hmm. About an eight.
House," That space is mine. Veni, vidi, vici."
Hannah, I'm okay. Let's just go home.
Cynthia, You're getting checked out.
Hannah, I tripped on the ice. Eight other kids tripped. This is embarrassing.
Cynthia, You said you were just going to hang with your friends. I turn around and you're out there on the ice.
Hannah, I'm fine.
Cynthia, You don't know that. You fell. Awkwardly.
Hannah," No, I didn't."
Cynthia, You don't know how to fall.
Hannah, I'm sixteen. I've been falling a lot. I think I'm getting the hang of it. And I checked.
Cynthia, And now the doctors are going to check.
Hannah, You don't think that you're over reacting? I don't need you to fix Every boo-boo.
Cynthia, Then stop getting them.
Hannah, I was just playing around with my friends. I was having fun.
Cynthia, You know you can't do that.
Hannah," Oh, I can't have fun?"
Cynthia, You know what I mean. I'm gonna have a talk with your friends.
Hannah, No.
Cynthia, And tell them that they need to stop!
Hannah," No! I don't want you freaking them out! Fine. Fine, we'll go to the hospital. But they're going to tell you that I'm fine and they're going to tell you that you don't need to worry about!"
Hannah," Mom? Mom! (yells) Hello? (Hannah unbuckles her seat belt and moves to her mother.) Mom, you gotta wake up. No one's coming. Mom! (She shakes her mother, then sees cell phone on the floor. Grabs it, dials.)"
Operator, 911. What's your emergency?
Hannah, We got into an accident on the canal road just outside Kingston. My mom's unconscious.
Operator, Are you all right?
Hannah, (looks at piece of metal sticking out of her leg) I'm fine. (hangs up) Mom. Mom.
House, Where's Foreman?
Wendy, He's down here somewhere.
House, Somewhere. Very helpful.
Wendy, Do you have any idea when he's getting out tonight?
House, Sometime.
Wendy, I realize you can't predict. I just thought you might be able to estimate. It's Valentine's Day. I've planned a surprise getaway.
House, Getaway.
Wendy, Mmm-hmm.
House," (speaking slower.) Getaway. (Wendy looks puzzled.) Get away. (with a disgusted look, she does so.)"
Hannah, Is my mom okay?
Foreman, She's gone to surgery.
House, Foreman. Your girlfriend wants to know if you're available for Valentine's. Act surprised. What are you doing down here?
Foreman," There's a snowstorm. E.R.'s short staffed. We're all supposed to be here. You're supposed to be here. You're an ass. Act surprised. (to Hannah) This could sting a little. (House lounges in corner, watParkng Foreman clean a cut on Hannah's leg)"
Hannah, Ow. (flinches) Can we hurry this up?
Foreman, Make sure that !
House, Take your time. What's your name?
Hannah, Hannah Morgenthal.
House," You have CIPA, Hannah Morgenthal."
Hannah," No, I don't."
House, We have to do x-rays to make sure you don't have internal injuries. Blood test to make sure no infections. An EEG for neurological anomalies and biopsy a spinal nerve.
Foreman," Whoa, whoa. Congenital Insensitivity to Pain is one of the rarest conditions on the planet. There's only been about sixty documented cases."
House," Yeah, and I have sEven reasons to think that she's one of them."
Foreman, She says she's not.
House," And that's reason number one. She knew what it was without us telling her. Two, she's still went from the snow but she's not shivering. That's odd. Unless she can't sweat or feel hot and cold."
Hannah, The ambulance was warm. I want to see my mother.
House," Three, scarring around the lip and tongue. When she was a baby she chewed on herself without feeling it."
Hannah, I fell through a window when I was a kid.
House," Four, when you cleaned the wound she flexed into the cleaner instead of away from it. It's hard to fake pain when you've nEver felt it. Takes an imaginative leap, Ms. Morgenthal. That's one of them Jew names. Ashkenazys are a higher risk group."
Foreman," On the other hand, she says she doesn't have it. And she'd be dead by now if she'd nEver been diagnosed."
House, They killed our Lord. Are you going to trust them? She wants to see her mom. If she admits having CIPA she knows we're not letting her go anywhere without a battery of tests.
Foreman, You said you had sEven reasons.
House," I pulled a number out of the air. What, five isn't enough?"
Foreman, Five lame reasons aren't. I'm taking her to see her mom as! (House whacks Hannah on the shin with his cane. No reaction. Foreman looks at House.)
House," I could hit her again if six aren't enough. Do the tests. (Hannah sighs, resigned.)"
House, Need to bail on the E.R. I got a case. Why are you wearing perfume?
Cuddy, Is this a real case or one of those imaginary cases that happen when you're bored?
House, CIPA.
Cuddy, CIPA is a diagnosis. Diagnoses happen at the end of cases.
House, She's got no idea what's going on in her body. There's gotta be something wrong.
Cuddy," In other words, she could be perfectly healthy but you're curious about someone who can't feel pain because you always feel pain so you want to go exploring."
House," She was in a car accident. She needs x-rays, blood tests, EEG, nerve biopsy. I also note that, although the snow was coming down in sheets this morning, you left your hat at home and used ear muffs."
Cuddy," Do your tests, except for the!"
House," So, while Everyone else was just worrying about getting in, you were concerned with about ""hat head.""� Blind dates are nEver a good idea. Only reason to wear a scarf like that is as a beacon to identify you in a crowd."
Cuddy, Do your tests. Except for the nerve biopsy.
House, I need the nerve biopsy.
Cuddy, You'd risk paralyzing her.
House, But it's neurological.
Cuddy, You have no evidence of that.
House, She tripped.
Cuddy," Do you have any evidence other than the fact that a typically clumsy CIPA Patient tripped on an icy day? (House shakes his head) If the EEG rEveals a pRoblem, we can talk then."
House, (leaving) You could have left the scarf at home and just told him you'd be wearing a look of desperation.
Chase, Spiking on leads C3 and O2.
Cameron, She could be going into a seizure.
Hannah, Hello!
Foreman, I think there's a simpler explanation.
Hannah, You're not going to find anything. I'm fine. I wanna see my mom. (She is pulling all the electrodes off.)
House," So, sedate her."
Foreman, She won't consent.
House, She's a teenager.
Foreman," No dad, mom's still in surgery. What do you want us to do? Hold her down?"
House," Well, only until you inject her with a sedative. Then you can let her go."
Foreman, We tried.
House, Seriously?
Foreman, She's strong and doesn't care. We'd have broken something before we could get her to sit still enough to inject her.
House," So, break her arm. She won't mind."
Foreman, You're cranky.
House, I'm in pain. Let's go break her arm.
House," Nurse Shortie, your biz-nitch, how long are you gonna waste her time."
Foreman, I'm so glad we're walking somewhere. Another sixty feet and this conversation is over.
House," When you guys are out of this program, Cameron will find somebody. Chase will find eight somebodies. And you'll be alone."
Foreman, Thirty feet.
House, You'll date and you'll date. But you're the ultimate Darwinian. You've got to fight for Everything. Anybody else would just slow you down.
Foreman," I'm still with her, aren't I?"
House, Yeah. I can only imagine it's because she hasn't given you an excuse to break up and you don't have the guts to recognize your own reality. (opens procedure room door)
Hannah, I want to see my mother.
House," Hi again. I'm sure I can say this without being condescending, but then you'd get the false impression that I respect you so ""� you're a kid, you're scared, you're stalling. Grow up."
Hannah, I'm not scared. I'm nEver scared.
House, See? How juvenile was that? You can't feel pain. Nothing left but pleasure. Why don't you tell me how wonderful that is?
Hannah, It sucks.
House, Better than being in pain all the time. Get in the chair.
Hannah, Every morning I have to check my eyes to make sure I didn't scratch a cornea in my sleep.
House," Oh God, stop. I'm in a pool of tears here."
Hannah, I can't cry.
House, Neither can I. Every morning I check my eyes for jaundice in case the Vicodin's finally shot my liver.
Hannah, I can't run anywhere without examining all my toes for swelling.
House, I can't run.
Hannah, Boys can't hold me for too long because I can overheat.
House, Girls can't hold me for too long because I only pay for an hour.
Hannah, I need an alarm on my watch to remind me to go to the bathroom. You know how Many humiliating experiences before I thought of that.
House," The bathroom's 50 feet from my office. Every drink of water I weigh the pros and cons,"
Hannah," After Everything I do, I self-check: Mouth, tongue, gums for cuts. Count teeth, check temperature. Fingers, toes and joints for swelling, skin for bruises."
House, I got shot.
Hannah, I sat on the stove when I was three. Want to see the coil marks?
House, Yeah.
Hannah, You think I'm lying?
House," You think I just wanna check out your tuchus, as your people would say. (As she stands and turns to show him her butt, he uncaps syringe and injects her. She turns back and he shows her the empty syringe. Fellows catch her as she slumps down.) Put her in the chair and run the damn test. If she moves again, give her nitrous."
Cameron," You weren't shot because of leg pain, you were shot because you're a jerk."
House, Some think the two are connected.
Hannah, He didn't have to do that.
Cameron," Yeah, he did."
Hannah, I'm sick?
Cameron," No, your EEG was normal. X-rays showed no breaks, blood test showed no infections, urine indiCated no! (Hannah's head falls back on pillow. She's convulsing.) Hannah? (She pulls the thermometer from Hannah's mouth. Turns on intercom over the bed) Call a code. Oh, God. (to staff coming through the door) Need ice packs and cooling blankets. Got saline in there? (pulls sheet off Hannah.)"
Nurse, She's not flushed. She's not sweaty. You must be!
Cameron, She has a temperature of 105. (pours pitcher of water over Hannah. She and nurse place cold packs.)
House, Wow. She's actually sick.
Cameron, We've got her temperature down below boiling. Could be infection.
House, No. LP showed normal proteins and no white blood cells.
Chase, High billirubin. Could be a liver pRoblem.
House, Nope. Transaminases were normal.
Foreman, Could be drugs. She's smoked pot since she was elEven.
House, No again. Tox screen was clean.
Foreman, We're doing this case backwards. We do the tests and then she gets sick?
Cameron, Maybe we did something to her. Maybe she got sick after the tests. We should rerun them.
House, And biopsy a spinal nerve.
Foreman, You want to risk paralysis because she's got a fEver?
House, I want to risk paralysis because I don't know what's causing the fEver. If it's neurological!
Foreman, It's a fEver.
House, In a CIPA Patient. Obviously things are a little different in her upstairs wiring.
Chase, And have been since the day she was born.
House, Yah. It's much more likely that whatEver it is was clEverly waiting and hiding until you guys were done testing. (Takes coat and starts out door)
Chase, Where are you going?
House," You're all against this, right? And, you're all going to stand on principle and refuse to do it, right? I'm going to get Cuddy's approval."
Cameron, How long are we going to keep Hannah in the dark about her mother?
Chase, Long as possible.
Cameron, Side air bag should be standard.
Chase, I'm sure she'll agree.
Cameron, She should know her mother's situation.
Chase, Breaking that news is that surgeon's pRoblem.
Foreman, Any word from House?
Cameron, No.
Chase, No.
Foreman, Maybe Cuddy will say no.
Chase, (laughs) Cuddy nEver says no.
Cameron, That's not true.
Chase, Nobody Ever says no. We don't say no.
Foreman, You don't say no.
Chase, He'll come back. He'll browbeat us. He'll give us sEven reasons and Eventually we'll fold. We all will. Not just me. The only way we can avoid biopsying this kid's spine is to find the answer some other way.
Foreman, All the tests were negative.
Chase, We need a better history.
Cameron," How much more paperwork do you need? We've got pediatric records, a few dozen E.R. records, our own admission questionnaire."
Chase, What's the first question?
Cameron, Insurance coverage.
Chase, Okay. Second question.
Foreman, Just make your point.
Chase," Where does it hurt? If we knew where it hurt, we could diagnose her."
Foreman, You do know CIPA means she can't feel pain.
Chase, No. CIPA means she's insensitive to pain. She still has scattered nerve fibers that could conduct pain but the signals don't make it to the brain. What if we give her more pain signals? A lot more pain signals. Maybe some of them might get through.
Cameron, You want to torture her?
Chase," No. Yes, we do this to anybody else, it's torture. Doing it to her, it's no different than pricking her finger. We keep poking sharp sticks into her, Eventually we'll find the part that's already tender."
Don," So, what does a dean of medicine do?"
Cuddy," Oh, can we please not talk about that. I will talk about anything else, but I'm just trying to get away from work."
Don," Metaphorically. Because, geographically the coffee place around the corner from the hospital pRobably isn't the furthest you could get."
Cuddy, Well the snow.
Don, Roads are clearing. But it's a good place to beat a retreat from. Do you usually expect your dates to go wrong?
Cuddy, Experience has taught me to have an escape route.
Don," Well, low expectations, that's in my favor."
Cuddy," (Smiles. Then she sees House through the window. Her face falls) WhatEver happens, I need you to understand that there are certain aspects to my life, I'm not happy about."
House, (enters) I need the nerve biopsy.
Cuddy, And you had to come here personally to tell me that. And how did you Even know I was here?
House, I had to bring the file. This is the most noncommittal location within walking distance. You left your car keys on your desk. (turns to Don. Loudly) Greg House. You two must have met online. Either that or you've got a friend who secretly hates you.
Don," Uh, Don Herrick. Yeah, we connected through singleballroomdancelovers.com."
House, Why would he volunteer that information?
Don, Why would I hide it?
House," You didn't tell him that anything he said will be held against you? (to Don) So, what line of work are you in?"
Don," Uh, auto maintenance. Changing oil and filters."
House," Great, my place overcharges. You can't trust anything you guys say. So, where are you loCated?"
Don," In fourteen states. I own Eastern Lube. (House's face falls, trying to look unimpressed. Cuddy closes the file.)"
Cuddy, Most CIPA complications are infection and she's got a fEver. LP? Urine?
House, Clean. Normal. Same with the white blood cell count.
Cuddy, Cancer?
House," Nothing on the scan. I think it's her nerves messing with the temperature control. Amyloid, sarcoid, there's a lot of candidates. I want a biopsy."
Cuddy," Fine. If that's what you need, go get it."
House, (leans close to Cuddy's ear and announces loudly) He seems a lot nicer than that one from Wicca needs a daddy figure dot com. (Grabs a cookie from their table and leaves.)
Chase," (dipping Hannah's hands in vats of water) One of these is warm and the other is very hot. Start here. Move to the hot one, just a few second. Then back. We're gonna monitor activity in your brain while you do it. If you feel any response to the heat, it could indiCate a vascular pRoblem."
Hannah, (puts hand in cold water) How's my mom doing?
Chase, She's okay. Do you feel anything?
Hannah," No. (moves hand to hot water) What does ""okay""� mean?"
Chase, (looking at thermal images on computer) She's still in surgery. They tell me it's going okay. You can take your hand out.
Hannah, And you didn't ask anything else?
Chase, Take your hand out of the water!
Hannah, What's going on with my mother? (Chase makes a dash from the monitoring room)
Chase, Hannah. (pulls her hand from the hot water) You just got second degree burns.
Hannah, I'll be fine. What's going on with my mother? Is she gonna die?
Chase, They said she's okay. Surgery this long is typical when there are internal injuries.
Foreman, Naloxone and kinase proteins in.
Hannah, And that's gonna make me feel pain? I didn't feel anything when you guys screwed this thing into my head.
Foreman, They'll replace missing chemicals in your nerves. Heightened sensitivity. We're going to be drilling directly into your skull. A response should indiCate sarcoma.
Hannah, What does it feel like?
Foreman, It!hurts. Um!sorry. Bone pain is the worst there is. You need to let me know as soon as you feel anything. She's ready. (Surgeon puts the drill in place)
Hannah," So, what? I just sit here while you guys drill a hole in me? You wanna talk?"
Foreman," Just you and your mom, huh? You two must be pretty close."
Hannah, We were. Until I got arrested. The third time.
Foreman, Drugs?
Hannah, Fights.
Foreman, You got an advantage.
Hannah, Not really. NEver know when to stop.
Foreman," You piss a lot of people off or you just trying to piss off your mom? Those are pretty much the only two choices you have. Hannah? (she's looking around, nervous) You want us to stop? (Hannah reaches for the metal frame) Stop the drill. Stop the drill! (Foreman holds the frame while the surgeon removes the drill. Hannah is making squealing pain/panic noises. Foreman removes the frame.) It's okay. What'd you feel? Where did you feel it? Hannah, I need to know how it hurt. (Hannah smiles then pushes past Foreman and runs out of the room.) Hannah!"
Wilson, I am so tired of this. Did you know that the new nurse from cardiology is sleeping with that weird Lawyer from the board?
House, (eating) The guy with elEven fingers?
Wilson, He has elEven fingers?
House, How do you not notice that?
Wilson, The nurse used to be a Man.
House, She's not anymore?
Wilson, But we can't talk about that.
House, I thought we were.
Wilson," We were supposed to talk about that. I came here to talk about that. But on the way up, I ran into Cameron. You've got a CIPA Patient."
House, Mmmm. Tranny nurse is more interesting.
Wilson," Oh it's way more interesting. But instead, I've got to be your damn conscience. I'm tired of being your conscience. I don't enjoy being your conscience."
House, No one enjoys�
Wilson, You're studying her....
House, She's actually sick.
Wilson, Which you found out after you took her on.
House," I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous."
Wilson," I don't think that metaphor was designed to actually warn cats. You don't care about her illness, you care about CIPA. Which means your focus is going to be on getting your answer, not hers."
House, Thank you. Forewarned is forearmed.
Wilson, What do you think you're going to figure out? You think her lack of pain is somehow the answer to your pain.
House, I think if you'd stop talking to Cameron then right now we could be ranking nurses in order of doability.
Foreman, (enters) Need you.
House, What did the nerve biopsy show?
Foreman, NEver did it.
House," Well then, do it."
Foreman, Can't.
House, Why?
Foreman, She's going to jump off the lobby balcony.
House, And you think I can catch her? (Foreman dashes out.)
Hannah, Get away from me.
Cameron, I'm not going to hurt you.
Hannah, Yes you are. You're just jealous that I can do anything.
Cameron," Hannah, you're having a paranoid delusion."
Hannah, I don't beliEve you.
Chase, (to Cameron) Think she would?
Hannah, This is real. You want me to be in pain. You Even said so.
Chase," If we wanted to hurt you, we'd let you jump."
Hannah, Just let me see my mother.
Cameron, Fine. We'll take you to her OR observation room.
Hannah, I don't beliEve you.
Foreman, Your mother is fine. I just spoke to her surgeon.
Hannah, I don't beliEve you.
Chase, Hannah! What do you want from us? What do you want us to do?
Hannah, I can't feel my legs.
Foreman, You're trying to pull the same stunt in ten minutes.
Hannah," I'm not pretending. They don't hurt, they're just not there. (she falls. Shot of her lying on the floor below. She moves.)"
Cameron, Anything? We're not looking for pain. Anything at all? Pressure?
Hannah, Nothing.
Cameron," You have six broken bones, a fEver, a concussion, erratic heart rhythms and a complete lack of sensation below the waist."
Hannah, I feel fine. Is my mother out of surgery yet?
Cameron, Not yet.
House, This is excellent.
Cameron, The paranoia seems to have dissipated but her vitals keep getting worse. She could be dead in hours.
House," But if you're going to die a miserable, lingering death, pain free is the way to do it. Are we sure the fall didn't cause the paralysis?"
Chase, The paralysis caused the fall. Spine's clean. No veritable fractures or spinal cord compression.
House, Even better. The nuttiness and paralysis means there's definitely a neurological component.
Foreman, Could be a nerve disease.
House, Which is why we need to look at the nerve that you didn't biopsy.
Chase, There are other tests!
House," HIV? Syphilis? She was negative for all STDs. Vascular? No, ANA was negative. Cerebral clot? No, MRI was!"
Cameron, Thyroid storm.
Foreman, Makes sense given her glucose reation was slow and her potassium is down.
House, Yeah. I'll check with an endocrinologist.
Cameron, Bennett's on call.
House, Perfect.
Cuddy, Nooooo.
House, Need a consult.
Cuddy, I already okayed your nerve biopsy.
House, I need an endocrinologist.
Cuddy, Bennett's on call.
House, Won't pick up. His cell phone must be broken.
Cuddy, Mine's working.
House, Had to give you the file.
Cuddy, (reading) I assume you're thinking thyroid storm. You done a hormone panel?
House, Normal. TSH was on the low side. Is that a cheery fire I hear crackling nearby?
Cuddy, No. What about CPK enzymes?
House," Elevated. 275. Of course, people light fires for themselves. But then they don't deny it. He's here."
Cuddy, CPK isn't high enough. Potassium's what you'd expect because of the bronchodilators.
House, (looks at her then looks skyward in exaggerated Manner) Oh my God. You're not wearing a bra.
Cuddy, It's not thyroid storm.
House, You just met him.
Cuddy, I like him. And I like sex. Do I need to stitch a letter on my tops?
House, No. But it might be worth taking out an ad in the local papers.
Cuddy," (taking a couple of steps forward) Do you like me, House? I was on the phone with Bennett 15 minutes ago. His cell phone's working. You're M.O is to avoid me at all costs. And suddenly you need my input on Every move you make. I can only assume it's because I'm on a date."
House," When we met, I noticed!"
Cuddy," You noticed he was a Shriner because of the way he parted his hair. You noticed he was a momma's boy because of the way he blinked his left eye. I'm not interested. I'm not impressed. There are only two reasons anyone would want to screw with me tonight. Either they're an altruistic, decent person who's worried about my well being. Or, they want me for themself."
House, You left out the third option. Evil bastard who just wants to mess with other people's happiness.
Cuddy," Goodnight House. (she goes in, closing the door. Goes to living room) We won't be bothered again."
Don, (putting on his shoes) It's late. I should go.
Cuddy, Why?
Don, I part my hair on the left and I'm a Shriner?
Cuddy, (covering face with hands) You heard the conversation. I'm not interested in him.
Don, I don't blame you.
Cuddy, I only said those things so he wouldn't come back.
Don, I don't really care about my job. I do it well. I provide a service. But my goal was always to make enough money to do the things I really like. Music. Travel.
Cuddy, I like those things too.
Don," You like them but they're not really important to you. I don't know whether it's House, your job or if you just thrive on conflict but! You should hear yourself when you're talking to him. Nothing else in the world's going on. You're focused, confident, compelling. Don't! don't take this the wrong way, but I'd like to go out with that Woman."
Cuddy, I can get her on the phone. (Don kisser her on the cheek and leaves)
Cameron, Where did you go? She's getting worse.
House, It's not thyroid storm. Get me a spinal nerve.
Chase, There are still other tests.
House," She just said the girl's getting worse. You really want to wait? (Drops file on his desk. Looks around, confused.)"
Cameron," (as House heads into the hall, followed by fellows) We'll be risking infection. Maybe make the paralysis worse."
House, (leaving office) It is worse. We're making it worse than worse? Do the biopsy.
Chase, You could paralyze her and get no useful information.
House, Do the biopsy.
Foreman, You're thinking peripheral neuropathy. We should take a nerve a little further away from the spine.
House, A little further from the truth. We're talking paralysis. Good chance the spine is relevant. This thing is progressing. It could kill her in hours. (opens door to Wilson's office. Wilson is reading. House holds out his hand.) Give me back my papers.
Wilson, (to fellows) Is he asking for a spinal nerve?
Cameron, How did you know?
Wilson," Give us a minute? (Fellows leave, closing door) Did you know they recently found a protein that speeds up nerve growth? Fascinating stuff. If you put that protein with the insulation from a spinal nerve, you could grow your own little garden. If that spinal nerve!"
House," Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If it happened to come from a person with CIPA I could grow pain-free nerves and graft them into my own leg. What an evil plan."
Wilson, You'd have to be on immunosupressors for life. Risk of infection. Shorter life span!
House," Shorter, but normal."
Wilson, Usually jealousy expresses itself by trying to destroy what someone has. You're more ambitious. You actually want to change medical fact to get this thing you!
House, Medical fact changes all the time.
Wilson, You're risking your Patient's life.
House, That's how medical fact changes. A doctor risks!
Wilson," To serve their Patient health, not their own."
House, This is medically justified.
Wilson, Are you sure? Are you sure that you're the right one to be making this call.
House," Biopsy whatEver nerve you figure you can safely get at. God, Wilson's annoying."
Cameron, Past 3 a.m. on Valentine's Day night. I assume you had a date with Wendy.
Foreman, She'll survive. She knows the deal.
Cameron, You're lucky.
Foreman, I know.
Cameron," Someday, when there's time, I would like to actually have a social life."
Foreman," Someday? Come on. If there's one thing a good-looking Woman can have whenEver she wants, it's a social life."
Cameron, You mean a sex life.
Foreman, There's nothing wrong with a little companionship 'til the real thing comes along.
Cameron, I had the real thing. Forgive me if I don't want to settle.
Foreman, Right.
Cameron, What does that mean?
Foreman, Nothing.
Cameron, You think I didn't have the real thing?
Foreman, I have no idea what you had.
Cameron, And yet you're judging it.
Foreman, It's late. I'm cranky. Sorry.
Cameron, I didn't have the real thing. How could you Even know?
Foreman," You married a dying Man. You thought six months, a year, it'll be tough. But then I'll recover and I'll have the rest of my life. It's like willingly getting the flu or joining the Peace Corps. Short term."
Cameron," Wow, you nailed it. It was basically like a wasted weekend."
Foreman," The sacrifices you made were huge. But they were at the height of your love for him. Commitment is only commitment because it has no expiration date. You stand next to someone and watch them floss for 30 years like my parents have, then ask for sacrifices. That's how you know the real thing. Cameron, I wasn't criticizing you. People who avoid commitment are people who know what a big thing it is."
Cameron, (looking into microscope) This isn't right.
Foreman, CIPA can't cause this much degeneration.
Chase, A few nerve fibers we teased out of the center had some insulation left. But the insulation around the bundles is stripped bare.
Cameron, Means damage must be coming from the outside in.
House, Which means it's secondary demyelination. Which means the source is somewhere else. Which tells us it's not a nerve disease means it's something systemic that's affecting the nerves. Which mean we need to! (to Cameron) Where are you going?
Cameron, Kid's mom is finally out of surgery
House, I'll be right back.
House, So what?
Cameron, Hannah should see her.
House," Yes, immediately after we're done chatting about saving her life. Most likely causes are metabolic."
Cameron, They found brain swelling. They're prepping her mother for another surgery.
House," Again, so what? Get a nurse to take the kid. There are more than sixty different metabolic conditions that could account for what she's got. There are only three of you guys."
Cameron, She's scared.
House, She should be. She'll die if we don't diagnose her.
Cameron," So, diagnose her."
Hannah, Mom.
Cynthia, (moans and turns toward Hannah.) How! (she pulls off her oxygen mask) How bad is it? Are you okay?
Hannah," I'm okay, mom. I'll get better. I always get better."
Cynthia, Are you checking yourself? Your temperature?
Hannah," Mom, could you just let it go. You shouldn't be worrying."
Cynthia," Baby, I'm sorry. I should have seen that car coming."
Hannah," No. Mom, I did this to myself. I screwed up. You were right. You were right and I was wrong."
Cynthia, No. No.
Hannah, I shouldn't have gone out on the ice. And I shouldn't have fallen down. And I shouldn't have made you rush me to an E.R. for the tenth time this year. (monitors start beeping) Mom? Mom?
Cameron," You okay? We're gonna have to take her back to surgery. Hannah, your BP is way up. We need to get you some rest."
Hannah, (touParkng hand to eyes) My hand's wet.
Cameron, You're crying.
Hannah, I can't cry. Oh. My head's killing me.
House," So, what does the pain tell us?"
Chase," No tingling, no itParkng. So we can rule out!"
Foreman," It tells us nothing. It wasn't physical pain, it was emotional."
House, Exactly. What were they doing when she got the headache?
Chase, Saying goodbye.
House, You said they were arguing.
Cameron, They weren't really arguing. She was just frustrated.
House, What were they arguing about?
Cameron, Whose fault it was.
House," Peripheral neuropathy, fEver and intermittent paranoia. Lots of metabolic conditions can explain those things. But what if we add guilt?"
Chase, Guilt as a symptom?
House, Alzheimer's can cause euphoria. Pain causes depression. And B12 deficiency causes guilt along with all that other stuff.
Foreman," If she felt guilty, she wouldn't be making her mother's life miserable. She wouldn't be getting into fights, getting arrested!"
Cameron, Maybe she's fighting because she feels guilty. She's showing her mom she can take stupid risks and still be safe. Means her mom can let go.
Foreman," Which is rational. If guilt is a symptom it's caused by the illness, not by a thought process. And it would have to be new."
Cameron, A couple of years ago she was a model student.
Chase," This is pointless. If the headache was caused by the illness, it means she has a B12 deficiency. If it's just because she was sad, it's meaningless. How the hell do we test for that?"
House," We don't. Give her a shot of B12. If she gets better, I was right."
Foreman," We already did. (holding chart) The E.R. gave her B12 when she was admitted, part of a multivitamin supplement. Apparently she's just sad."
House, (entering) Why are you still here?
Wilson, Trying to get a couple of Patients into a drug trial. Paperwork's due tomorrow. Why are you here?
House, I still haven't figured out why.
Wilson," No, I meant here. In my office."
House, Just dumped a cool B12 theory. Moved on to leukemia. (drops file on Wilson's desk.)
Wilson, Very pedestrian.
House, I'm not happy. Her white blood cell count was low. But the ones she's got! Just a whole lot of eosinophils.
Wilson," The immunoglobulin E lEvel's borderline. If you want to be one hundred percent sure, check the bone marrow."
House," Team's doing a biopsy right now. (sits) So it turns out, the weird Lawyer knew that she used to be a Man."
Wilson, And he's cool with that?
House, Turns out that his previous girlfriend also used to be a Man.
Wilson," Ho, ho."
House, Yeah. (reaches over and grabs half of Wilson's sandwich.)
Wilson, Is it possible for you to just watch me eat. Or do you get some primeval thrill out of beating the other hunters to the food. (House freezes for a moment. He throws the sandwich and leaves.) See you later.
Hannah, You still haven't figured out that I don't need sedation.
Chase, It's so you don't move during the procedure.
House," Is that nitrous? What are you, trying to kill her? You gave her nitrous during the EEG. That's what made this thing rear it's ugly head."
Chase, What thing?
House, B12 deficiency.
Foreman, Are you having d�jà vu? We've had this conversation. She was given B12. She didn't get better.
House, Because someone else ate it. Get an abdominal MRI.
Hannah," What? What are you doing? (pulling away from them on the gurney, hysterical) Don't touch me. Don't touch me."
House, See. There she goes. Another paranoid delusion. She's going downhill. Forget the MRI. We need an O.R.
Hannah, Leave me alone.
Female Surgeon, Occupied.
House, Her hernia can wait. (he is pulling on gown as he talks. No mask.)
Hannah, Help. They're trying to kill me.
House, Okay. You can either beliEve that we really are trying to kill her! or you can assume that she's suffering from a medical condition. Seeing as this is a hospital and we're all dressed like doctors and there are easier ways to kill somebody!
Surgeon," Bev, help them."
House," I'm going to need iodine, scalpel numbers 10 and 15, forceps and a largish salad bowl. (Hannah continues to struggle as House starts to bare her midriff.) Okay. Hold her down. Come on, weenies, she's in a cast. Swab. (Swabs Hannah's belly, hands it back to Bev.) Fifteen."
Surgeon, You're not going to anesthetize her?
House," Relax. It's just a magic trick. (As he begins to cut her stomach, Hannah starts screaming as loud as she can.) She's faking it. (to Hannah) We're not falling for it this time. (Hannah drops her head back on the gurney, defeated.) Okay, keep that retracted. (House works at the incision for a moment.) Forceps. (House starts to pull a tape worm out of Hannah, narrating in an exaggerated 1950s documentary voice) Lake fishing can be fun. It can bring the generations together. (Back to his normal voice) If you don't cook that trout or perch well, you'll be giving room and board to this fellow. By free board, I mean all the B12 you can take in."
Bev, I could have a tapeworm in me?
House," Not likely. You'd be in a lot of pain. (As he continues to pull the tapeworm out, a nurse snaps a picture with her cell phone.)"
Foreman, It's gotta be twenty five feet long.
House, Damn. World record's over sixty.
Chase," Hannah. Wake up. Somebody here to see you. She's got limited motion on her left side. You might have to take care of her for a while. (Hannah starts to get up to lean over to her mom) Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't feel it, but you're about to rip your stitches out. Take care of yourself. Then you can take care of her."
Wendy, You haven't gone home.
Foreman, Sorry I screwed up Valentine's Day.
Wendy, I'm dating a doctor. I'd be an idiot to expect anything else.
Foreman," I did get you a gift. (Handing her a large envelope) MGH ""� best teaParkng hospital in Boston. Wanna be a nurse practitioner, that's as good as it gets. (He moves away while she stares at ""gift) I made a few calls and, you're in if you want in."
Wendy, This is why you've been helping me get my surgical hours for accreditation.
Foreman, I thought you wanted!
Wendy," (over) Stupid. You've got ten feet of personal space around you. I step forward, you step back."
Foreman, I've shared a lot of things with you.
Wendy, Which is why you're breaking up with me. You can't stand to be close.
Foreman," Wendy, you think I'll stay with you because you're angry with me?"
Wendy, I'm upset. Because I care. Only you'd expect an argument to be rational. You and that ass boss of yours. (leaves)
Wilson, (in doorway with House) You could ask her for the spinal nerve.
House, She's got no reason to give it.
Wilson, She owes you.
House, The hospital will send her a bill.
Wilson," I'm just saying, if you wanna do it, do it while her B12 is still low. Guilt can be your friend. (they walk down the hall) Breakfast?"
House, Yeah.
Chase, Happy Valentine's Day.
Cameron, A holiday that only applies to people who are already paired up. For Everyone else it's Wednesday.
Chase, Wow. Thank you for that dash of cold water.
Cameron, Don't get me wrong. I still think true love's out there it's just very far away. Possibly in another galaxy. We may need to dEvelop faster than light travel before we can make contact. (They walk outside) So I'm thinking we should have sex.
Chase, That makes sense.
Cameron, Despite the wisdom of pop songs. there's no point in putting our lives on hold 'til love comes along. We're both healthy and busy people. We work together so it's convenient.
Chase, Like microwave pizza?
Cameron," And of all the people I work with, you're the one I'm least likely to fall in love with."
Chase, Like! microwave pizza.
Cameron," The point here is to make things simpler, not more compliCated. Someday there'll be time to get serious about someone. Meanwhile, we already had sex once and didn't get weird about it. So!"
Chase," I get it. I get it. So, what if I'm offended by your Judgement."
Cameron," Then you're not the Man I'm looking for. (She walks off, he smiles and follows.)"
PATRICK, I can't do this... button.
 OBYEDKOV," [encouraging] Well, you've almost got it. [goes to help him]"
PATRICK, [repeating quietly] Almost got it.
PATRICK, [excited] The sound... of the people talking.
 OBYEDKOV, Hmm?
PATRICK," That's A-flat, isn't it?"
 OBYEDKOV," Wow, look how smart you are, hmm?"
 OBYEDKOV, Here we go.
PATRICK, [repeating] Here we go.
 OBYEDKOV, [addressing the audience ] Thank you. I am proud to introduce my son to you. Patrick Obyedkov.
 OBYEDKOV," Twenty-five years ago, Patrick was in the fourth grade. A good student, played little league. And then there was the accident. [takes a moment] And here we are. Raising money for people with similar neurological disabilities. I hope you enjoy the concert."
 OBYEDKOV," [leaning slowly on Patrick's shoulders, whispering] All set?"
PATRICK, [whispering] All set.
 OBYEDKOV, [to the Man standing next to him] He's nEver missed a note.
 OBYEDKOV, Something's wrong.
 OBYEDKOV," [concerned, whispering] Patrick, what is it?"
PATRICK, [in pain] My hand. Hurts.
 OBYEDKOV, Let me see it.
PATRICK," [crying in pain] Oh, papa!"
Foreman, [hardly enthused] What's the emergency?
Cameron," Thirty-five-year-old savant, dystonia in his left hand."
Foreman, [annoyed] He page us at five in the morning for that? [scoffs] I'm going back to bed. [starts to walk out.] Dystonia's not life-threatening. Clonazepam will take care of tha...
Cameron, He's already on Clonazepam. Or seizures he has from a bus accident when he was ten.
Foreman, [re-entering] Then we treat with Benztropine.
Chase, [drowsy] What's up?
Cameron," Thirty-five-year-old savant, dystonia."
Chase, [blows raspberry in disinterest] I'm going back to bed.
House, Where you going?
Chase," [caught, sheepishly turns around] Bathroom. It can wait."
Foreman," There is no case, House. Even if dystonia was some big medical mystery, it's not this time."
House," You're not intrigued as to how a perfectly healthy ten-year-old boy, with no prior musical training, gets into an accident on his way to school..."
House, ...and suddenly starts playing piano?
Chase, Do we have to start a twenty-five-year-old case before breakfast?
House, You two shower together?
Chase," [simultaneously] [busted, yet denying it] No."
Cameron, [simultaneously] [acting disgusted] No.
House, [to Foreman] Double negative. It's a yes.
Foreman, Savantism is just one of those things. It's... inexplicable.
House," [taking a donut out of the bag] Just because it's ""inexplicted"", doesn't mean it's inexplicable. I want new labs. CBC with platelets, chem panel, thyroid and adrenal function tests. [bites donut]"
Cameron, For what?
House," [mouth full, shrugs] I don't know."
Foreman, Raise your left hand.
Foreman, [correcting] That's your right hand.
 OBYEDKOV, What're you looking for?
Foreman, Just wanna make sure whatEver happened doesn't happen again. [to Patrick] Push up.
PATRICK, [repeating as he does so] Push up.
 OBYEDKOV," He repeats what people say. It's a compensation mechanism. He knows he's supposed to say something, so he repeats what he just heard."
Foreman, That's good. Shows he's engaged.
Foreman," [letting go of Patrick's arm] Spine's okay. Alright, stick out your tongue like this. Copy me. [sticks out his tongue, curling it at the sides.]"
PATRICK, [smiling] You have a big tongue. [laughs]
Foreman," [chuckles] I know it's funny, but copy me."
Patient," There was construction on Radcliffe, so I had to get out of the car and-and walk in high-heels for over a mile."
House, Radcliffe? What was the cross street?
Patient, Does it matter?
House, I don't know. You're the one who brought it up. [holds out his left arm and puts a strap over it] Tie this off.
House, Nice and tight.
Patient, Does this have anything to do with my foot?
House, You have a blister. You don't waste a doctor's time with a blister. Waste a doctor's time with more important things like the sewer that's beng vented out of your mouth.
Patient, [putting her hand to her mouth] My breath?
House," [moving away as she speaks] If you could stop doing that, we'd all be grateful."
Patient, [giggles] I can't stop breathing.
House, Nope! But you can stop puking. [removes the strap from his arm and takes out the needle.]
Patient, [outraged] I don't...!
House," Your lips say no, your gnarly fingers say -- [makes a vomiting noise, like ""Uwaah!""]"
Foreman, He's good to go.
House, [to the Patient] It's a shame. You look cute that thin.
Foreman, Motor cortex looks good. Everything checks out.
House, What tests did you run?
Foreman, [annoyed at being questioned like this] Full battery of neurological...
House, [to nurse at Nurse's Station] I need this blood checked for cholesterol and glucose lEvels.
Foreman, Patient had a foot pRoblem.
House, Different Patient.
Foreman, There's no one else in here.
House, [quickly changing the subject] You're using the wrong equipment.
 OBYEDKOV," Dr. Foreman, I thought we were being discharged."
House," I'm Dr. House. On the off-chance that Dr. Foreman didn't mention it, I have something of a gift too. [to Patrick, beckoning] C'mon."
House, Your turn.
PATRICK, [repeating] My turn.
 OBYEDKOV, Does this have anything to do with his hand?
House," [nods] It might. [to Patrick] Okay, Patrick. Close your eyes."
House, What's this? [hits a few keys at once.]
PATRICK," [eyes closed, concentrating] D, G-flat, A-flat, B..."
House," [interrupting] Yeah, all right, all right."
Foreman, He's good. Can we let him go?
House, [looking at Patrick] He's great. He's staying.
House, [to Foreman] Call radiology. I need a Functional MRI of his brain.
Foreman, FMRI's not gonna show trauma.
House, I'm not looking for trauma. I wanna see the music.
PATRICK, [repeating] The music.
House," Well, that's dull."
Foreman," Think fMRI's gonna show a big arrow pointing to a flashing sign saying ""Savantism""?"
House, Would be hugely helpful. Somehow he got rewired as a music specialist. I wanna know how that happens.
Foreman, He had access to parts of his brain that you don't.
House, His brains doing nothing. Looks like any jerk listening.
Foreman, He's not savant at listening. He's a savant at playing. Both listening and playing are different neurological processes.
House, Turn off the music.
House," [over radio] Patrick, I want you to pretend that your leg is a piano."
PATRICK, [over radio] But it's not a piano.
House," [gimme strength] I know. That's why I said ""pretend"". [shuts off the microphone, to Foreman] Kid's a moron. [turns microphone back on] Keep your head still, use your fingers."
Foreman, [disbelieving] Wha...?!
House," [calm] Cool, huh? His heart rate rose."
Foreman, Emotional response?
House, Then why is there no activity in the limbic system? Unless there's a pRoblem in his heart. Do an echo to confirm. And scrub up. He's gonna need surgery.
Foreman, [wiping his hands] Wasn't dystonia. He's got a heart condition that caused the arteries in his arm to constrict.
Cameron, Do you have any idea why House would wanna go to Boston?
Foreman, [shrugs and pouts] The chowder?
Cameron," Plane tickets, this Friday. I opened his mail. I heard there's an opening at Harvard for division Parkef, Infectious Disease."
Foreman, [putting on gloves] Ambition's not one of his more prominent traits.
Foreman, Although...
Cameron, What?
Foreman, He was testing blood in the clinic. Don't think it was the Patient's blood.
Cameron, Why? It was green?
Foreman," No, he was checking for routine stuff."
Foreman, Makes sense if he's checking for basic medical clearance for employment.
Chase, I'm going home.
Cameron," [standing up] No, you're not."
Chase, He could show up any minute.
Cameron, [victoriously displaying the key] Not with a savant to obsess about.
Cameron, I'll take in here. Bedroom's down the hall.
Chase, You've been here?
Cameron, [uhhh] Where else would the bedroom be?
Chase, [as he passes by her] Come with?
Cameron," [amused] You're scared of him catParkng us breaking into his home, but you're not scared of him catParkng us doing it in his bed?"
Chase, [making his way to his boss' bedroom] I'm gonna get fired anyway.
Foreman, Almost at the heart. [looking at monitor] ____. Aaand... done.
NURSE, Heart rate's one-sixty! It's accelerating. He's at two-ten!
Foreman, [urgently] Supraventricular tachycardia. Paddles!
NURSE, Charging!
Foreman, Clear!
Chase," [going through a magazine, calling out] We're wasting our time!"
Cameron, [holding a big book] His high-school yearbook.
Chase," Unless you think he's going to Boston to attend a high-school reunion, put it back and let's get out of here before he comes home."
Cameron, [looking at the yearbook] He's not smiling.
Chase, I wonder if he has teeth.
Chase, [looking at a phone bill] What's the area code for Boston?
Cameron, Six-one-sEven. Why?
VOICE, [over phone] Massachusetts General. May I help you?
Cuddy, Did you think you could steal Dr. House without a fight?
 MEDICK, [over phone] Steal him for what?
Cuddy, Quit jerking me around. I know he's coming out there.
 MEDICK, [over phone] We're not looking to hire him.
Cuddy, He's called you six times in the last month!
 MEDICK, [over phone] We're not looking to hire him.
Cuddy," You think if you keep repeating it, I'll start believing you?"
 MEDICK," [over phone] Dr. Cuddy, there's nothing else I can say. I'm sorry."
Cuddy," If he's not coming there for a job interview, he's either coming to your hospital for a social visit or because he's a Patient."
Cuddy," [hoping against hope] Is it a social visit, Dr. Medick?"
 MEDICK," [over phone, beat] I can't stand House. Neither can Dr. Kupersmith."
Wilson, What's up?
Cuddy, D'you know Dr. Kupersmithin Boston?
Wilson," Yeah, he's an oncologist. What's up?"
Cuddy, What's his sub-specialty?
Wilson, Brain cancer. [beat] What's going on?
Cuddy," [voice over] He doesn't look sick. He should have symptoms. Blurred vision, headaches, confusion, clumsiness..."
Wilson," Depends on how far along the cancer is. What kind, how agressive? [shrugs slightly]"
Cuddy, He didn't tell you?
Cuddy, House is House.
Wilson," He's no different than anyone else with cancer. Once you tell, then Every conversation is about that."
Foreman, Cardiac arrest means we were wrong.
Chase, It was a heart pRoblem.
Foreman, But no vasoconstriction. The heart pRoblem couldn't have caused the hand pRoblem.
House," [looking up from the file] Unless the bleed happened suddenly. Less blood to the brain explains dystonia. Less blood to the heart explains the heart attack. Scope him both above and below. If that doesn't work, [tosses file on the table] gut him."
 OBYEDKOV, Can't sedate him?
Chase, There's a risk his throat could collapse.
PATRICK," You look mad, papa."
 OBYEDKOV," [gently] Nooo. No, I'm not mad, I promise you. It's just that uh, the doctor has to do something to you and it's gonna hurt."
PATRICK, Hurt me? Why hurt me?
 OBYEDKOV, Make you better.
PATRICK, What's wrong with me?
 OBYEDKOV," What, they don't know."
 OBYEDKOV," Patrick, don't you worry. Everything is gonna be great."
Chase," [coming over Patrick] All right, here we go, Patrick. [brings an instrument near Patrick's face.]"
PATRICK, [squirming nervously] You won't hurt me?
Chase," Okay, open. Like this. [opens his mouth to show Patrick.]"
 OBYEDKOV, You just look at me. Everything is gonna be okay.
 OBYEDKOV, Look at me. It's okay. It's okay.
Cameron, Dr. Wilson.
Cameron, Wilson! [runs upto Wilson] Just spoke to Cuddy. She can't confirm whether House is applying for a job at Boston.
Wilson, Yeah. I-I'm late for a...
Cameron," If I have to look for work, I have a right to know."
Wilson, [re: the song] Pretty.
House, I wrote this when I was in junior high school. Could nEver figure out what came next. And Dimwit came up with this. [plays Patrick's rendition]
Wilson, [imPatient] It's good.
House, It's perfect.
Wilson, I could set up a tower on the roof during a lightning storm. Help you switch brains with your Patient. Then you would be the brilliant pianist and he would be the doctor hiding brain cancer from his friend.
House, It's nothing. [takes his cane from above the piano.]
Wilson, You need to talk about it.
House, You need to talk about it.
Wilson," At least, let me look at your medical file."
House, You're making a big deal out of nothing. Who else knows?
Wilson, [quickly] No one. And cancer isn't nothing.
House," Sorry, didn't mean to offend your specialty."
Wilson, [unhappily] Why didn't you come to me?
House, Stein's good.
Wilson, Stein's in Africa for the next six months.
House," He's given me at least six months. Go to Boston, get the treatment. [sighs] Everything will be fine. No need to talk about it."
Chase," [controlled voice] You're right. Surgeon found a bleed behind the kidney and the retroperitoneal cavity, but no reason for it. [sighs] No cancer, no ruptured arteries."
Chase," [walking up to House] So bleeding explains the symptoms, but we've got no explanation for the bleeding."
Chase," And while they were closing him up, Patrick had a grand mal seizure... which makes no sense, since he's on an anti-convulsive medication."
House, [accusingly] You told him.
Wilson," No, I didn't."
Wilson, [giving in] I... only told Cameron.
House, [pissed] Hey! Okay. You guys have clEverly deduced that I have cancer. You have no right to know. You have no business knowing.
Foreman, We'd like to run some blood tests...
House," As soon as you work up our Patient, who is not me."
Cameron, Just wanna make sure you weren't misdiagnosed.
House, I wasn't. Let's move on.
Chase, We're just asking for a couple of vials.
House, [loud] No!
Cameron, Why not?
House," Okay, we're going to proceed as if I'm perfectly healthy."
Chase, How can we do that if we know you're not?
House," You don't know anything! Except, hopefully, our Patient on anti-convulsive medication has a seizure."
Foreman," [giving up] Anti-seizure meds don't prEvent seizures, they just make them Manageable."
House," [perusing the printout] According to the surgeon's report, this one wasn't Even close to Manageable."
Cameron," Means the question isn't why is he having seizures, it's why are his seizures getting worse?"
House, What's changed?
Foreman," His brain, it's gotten worse."
House, Why don't we make it Even worser?
House, [explaining] We take him off anti-convulsive medication.
Cameron, He'll seize Even more. Multiple seizures can seriously damage a brain.
House, Dude can't button a shirt. How much more damage are we really talking about?
Chase," Strongest seizures will light up different parts of the brain, which will indiCate response to damage."
House," Once he gets worse, do a PET scan."
House, [removing the glasses] PET scan done?
Cameron, No.
House, You come for my feelings?
House, 'Cause I left them in my other pants.
Cameron, [opening up the paper] This is a letter of recommendation. I'm applying for a job at Penn.
House, Thank you for writing your own. Sure my thoughts are beautifully phrased. [signs it]
Cameron, Thank you for signing it. Saves me from having to fake your signature.
House, Stay away from Weiss. He cries with his Patients. Holds their hands as they die. He won't like you.
House, Your new-found nonchalance in the face of cancer.
Cameron, I thought you'd find it appealing.
House, Twenty seconds. Pretty good.
Cameron, For what?
House, Time it took you to go from hard-ass to huMan being.
House, You really wanna leave?
Cameron," If you're not here, there's not much point of staying."
House, I'm not dead yet.
House, What're you doing?
House, I know this must be a turn-on for you.
House, A little whorish to kiss and stab.
Cameron, [caught] You kissed back.
House," I didn't want you to die without knowing the feeling. [yanks the syringe from her hand] Actually, no Woman should die without knowing the feeling."
Cameron, All I need is a few drops of your blood.
House," Foreman and Chase's lips are not gonna get to close, [holding up the syringe] now that I know your plan."
Cameron, [appealing] There's a nurse downstairs about to risk his job to steal the blood you drew from yourself yesterday.
House," [has had enough] I'm Patient Number Oh-Two-Oh-Four-Oh-Six, in the Record Room, under the name Luke N. Laura! There's a whole file of blood there, along with CT scans, MRIs, CSF, Everything you need."
House," [calling after her] You need a sperm sample, come back without the needle."
Foreman," Six-centimetre mass in his dorsal midbrain, extending into the temporal lobe. [he turns around resigned] That's inoperable."
Cameron, What kind of time does he have?
Foreman, He's got a year.
 OBYEDKOV, [voice over] Nurse!
Foreman," [opening a file] Here's a consent from Boston, for the cancer drug trial."
Cameron, [waking up] Any description of the process for previous trials?
Foreman, Yep.
Chase, Any chance it'll work?
Foreman, No. It's not Even designed to work.
Cameron, Why? What're you...?
Foreman, It's designed to treat depression in terminal cancer Patients.
Chase, He doesn't seem depressed.
House," Hah! Okay, let's assume that I am dying. Which I specifically told you not to assume -- [brushes it off]. Can we at least assume that I'm not dying tomorrow? [puts the scan on the table] Whereas this kid..."
House, PET rEveals sEveral more hotspots. But they're non-specific...
Foreman, [loud] How can you focus on him?
House, [mock crying] 'S the only way I can cope. [normal voice] PET also showed the left brain is working hard...
Foreman, Harder than the right?
House, Wouldn't be worth mentioning otherwise.
Cameron," Bleeding in the brain. Blood would irritate the lining, might cause the seizures to get worse."
House, Yes! He needs an angiogram to look at the vasculature inside his brain.
Chase, We'll get right on it as soon as we're finished here.
House, Don't get up. I got it. You're busy. Continue.
House, You know what my team is doing right now?
PATRICK, No.
House, Trying to figure what's wrong with me.
PATRICK, What's wrong with you?
House, Thanks for asking. They found out that I'm dying.
PATRICK, That's sad.
House, [moves a scanner above Patrick's head] Everyone's dying.
PATRICK, That's sad.
House," Meteor lands on my head tomorrow, it's all academic. I told them to leave me alone. But did they?"
PATRICK, [genuinely curious] Did they?
House," No, that one was rhetorical."
PATRICK, Oh.
House," No, they did not."
House, Who the hell were you before you hit your head?
PATRICK," [amused] ""Hell"" is a bad word."
House," So is ""ass"", ""bitch""."
House," I can pRobably rattle off fifty much more compliCated disgusting ones, but then your dad would get pissed at me."
House, Like your life?
PATRICK, What life?
House, Your life. Like the piano? Going on tours. Scoring girls left and right.
PATRICK, [shyly] I don't like girls.
House," [oh, okay then] Boys. [shrugs] WhatEver gets you off."
PATRICK, I like the piano.
PATRICK, What's wrong?
Foreman," Dr. Peter Hayes, this is Foreman at Princeton-Plainsborough. You were doing the signal transduction-inhibitor clinical trial. What kind of results did you...?"
House, [entering from behind] Transduction-inhibitors are a decade away.
House," [into phone] Hi, Pete! [hangs up]"
Chase, Got another trial going on at Duke. Fifteen percent extend their lives beyond five years. If you're positive for Protein PHF...
House, [interrupting] Stop... trying to save me. I'm fine. MRA confirms smalls collections of blood throughout the white matter of Patrick's right hemisphere. Mind if we chat about that for a few moments?
Chase," Either trauma, an aneurysm, cancer or autoimmune disease."
House, We need a biopsy to figure out which it is.
Foreman, EEG was non-specific. Where you gonna biopsy?
House, Everywhere!
Foreman," Sssure. Just put on a blindfold and play ""Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Brain""."
House, He's bleeding into his brain. He's dying.
Chase, You can't just randomly stab the temporal lobe and hope to hit the right spot.
House, [mock-whining] I'm only gonna take little tiny pieces.
Cameron, 'Til what?
House, 'Til I find the pRoblem.
Cameron, Or you kill him.
House," No, I'll keep going Even if I kill him. [looks at them, sighs] Then he's screwed. Thanks for the chat."
Foreman, What if... we do the EEG from inside his brain?
House, I'm actually little insulted. You were supposed to spend the last hour worried about me.
Foreman, [carrying on] It's risky and invasive.
House, But that's why God invented the long consent form. Can you get to why this is a brilliant idea?
Foreman," External EEG could get confused if there are multiple structural abnormalities. If we perform the EEG inside the skull, it could show us where to biopsy."
House, [shrugs] Brilliant. Go. Do.
Foreman, [hangs around] I'd also like to talk to you about...
House," [getting up from the couch] This is gonna get personal, isn't it?"
Foreman, Yeah.
Foreman, We'll use a small drill to get inside his skull...
 OBYEDKOV, [voice over] He's... bleeding inside...
Foreman," Yes. Once we have twelve holes, we'll surgically implant electrodes under the mengenies against the brain."
S NOTE, The soft dialogue was difficult to hear over the loud singing.]
Foreman, [voice over] And it's either cancer or autoimmune disease.
 OBYEDKOV," [voice over, softly] 'S either?"
Foreman, [voice over] Yeah.
 OBYEDKOV, [voice over] Which one is better?
Foreman, [voice over] Neither.
Foreman, Hey.
House, [eagerly] Where do we cut?
Foreman, We don't. I need to say something.
House, [here we go again] Something personal?
Foreman, Yeah.
House, And I can't leave because you got something interesting in that file.
Foreman, [smug] Sorry.
Foreman," You're an arrogant ass..., who makes it impossible for anyone to like him, by punParkng people who don't deserve..."
House," [imPatient] Can we get to the ""but"" part of this speech?"
Foreman, [softly] But I like you.
House," [looks at him for a beat] No, you don't. You're just reacting to the perception of my death. You need to put things in order. Fear of guilt..."
Foreman, [irritated] Will you shut up?
House, See? I annoy you. Now are you gonna give me the results or are we gonna... [makes a hug-and-cry gesture.]
Foreman, [sighs in frustration] Inter-cranial EEG showed no electrical abnormalities.
House, [finally getting his hands on the file] Which means it's autoimmune.
Foreman, No. Also showed his entire right hemisphere is brain-dead.
House," So, while you guys were worried about me, half of this kid's brain died. The only solace you should take from this is the fact that... it didn't. Garden-variety EEG sucks compared to the in-brain variety, which is not gonna miss brain death."
Foreman, He's gotten worse.
House, Not that much worse.
Foreman," Respiration is depressed. Seizures are increasing, one Every five minutes."
House," Not that much worse. He can still talk. He's left-handed, which means his speech is in the right side."
Chase, You don't know how Patrick's brain reorganized itself twenty-five years ago?
House, [looking at a model of a brain] What if the right side... is just a little dead. Maybe he has random neurons firing.
Cameron, You're just looking for a puzzle to distract you from your own situation.
House, You're right. He's dead. Let's go home.
 OBYEDKOV, [hopefully] What'd you find out? Is he gonna be okay?
Foreman, I'm so sor...
House, [emphatically] Yes!
Foreman, What's this?
PATRICK, [hoarse] A piano.
Foreman, [covers Patrick's left eye] What's this?
Foreman, [to House] He's obviously lost the use of his...
House, [quietly] Shut up.
House, [almost beaming] Music is a global process. Can't play the piano with half a brain.
Foreman, What's it mean?
House, Means the right side of his brain has always sucked. Means it's not relevant what's going on now.
Foreman," [smirks] Wow, then it's autoimmune."
House," Yeah! Question is, what do we do about it?"
Foreman," 'S likely ones we can fix. Polyarteritis nodosa, Takayasu or sarcoid. I'll start treatment."
House," Not what I was talking about. But yeah, you do that."
House, [without turning around] Your turn?
Chase, Do you have to do that?
House," [turning around] You mean, cheapen Everyone's attempt at a huMan moment by identifying the real calculations that go into it?"
Chase, Yeeah.
House, Yeah! I do. [goes back to reading the magazine]
Chase, I'm sorry you're dying. I'm gonna hug you.
Chase, [getting emotional] Anything to say?
House," Well, if you're considering grabbing my ass, don't start anything..."
House, ... you can't finish.
House," As long as we're just standing here, you mind if we work? How's the kid's treatment going?"
House, Are you crying?
Chase," [finally letting go] No. [moves away, keeping his back to House] Respiration rate's up. Seizures are coming down. 'S all good."
House, Not for what I'm gonna do next.
Chase, But there is no next. He's gonna be fine.
House, Only if he wants to remain a four-year-old who wets his bed.
Chase, There's nothing else for him.
House, There's better. Thanks for the hug. [leaves]
[POV," Peep-hole. It's House, who moves his face closer to the peep-hole, making his face look hilariously expanded.]"
Cuddy, It's the middle of the night. You know I'd be asleep.
House, Phone would have woken you up just as much. I can see what you're wearing on the phone.
House, [closing the door] My Patient with the fifty-five IQ has Takayasu syndrome. Very uncommon. Happens mostly in Asian women.
Cuddy," Takayasu is Manageable with steroids, which you already know. So, I assume you're here for something else."
House, My Patient also has a significant seizure pRoblem.
Cuddy, Also Manageable with anticonvulsive medication.
House," Yes. He kept taking his anticonvulsive medication, he could go back on tour and play the piano."
House, But... a hemispherectomy would completely stop the right-brain seizure activity and he would no longer need to take his anticonvulsive medication.
Cuddy, [in disbelief] You want to remove half his brain?
House, [confirming] The right half. It'd be irresponsible to remove the left.
Cuddy, [arguing] You don't remove half a brain and gain function.
House," Not my brain. But his, who knows? What? Lets say I'm the left side of Patrick's brain, I'm quick- witted, I'm charming, I'm great looking."
House," You're the right side of his brain. You're useless, old, damaged."
House," We go to a bar for a drink. Now, I have the mad skills to be scoring all the hot babes, but instead, I'm spending my time wiping drool off your Parkn and making sure you don't eat the tablecloth."
Cuddy, [beat] What's the father wanna do?
House, I don't know.
Cuddy, [standing up] So go wake him up.
Cuddy," House, I'm so sorry."
House," Forgot I was dying, huh?"
Cuddy," I'm here, if you need me."
House, [all right!] I need you.
House, One small feel for Man. One giant ass for Mankind.
Cuddy, [softly] Thanks. Good luck in Boston.
Cuddy," [without turning or stopping] Call the ""Make-A-Wish"" Foundation."
 OBYEDKOV, [much more relaxed] Dr. Foreman was just here. Seizures have almost completely gone away. Says we might be able to go home in the next day or two. Thank you... so much.
House, [like asking for change] I think we should we should remove the right side of your son's brain.
 OBYEDKOV, I thought you fixed him.
House," Does he look fixed? Right side of his brain is keeping him walking straight. Other than that, it's been dead-weight Ever since the accident. 'F we remove it, seizures would stop completely."
 OBYEDKOV, The seizures are hardly noticeable. They don't bother Patrick.
House," But without the seizures, the left side would have a chance to actually function. He'll learn to do new things. Only bummer, he'll nEver play the piano again."
 OBYEDKOV, [shaking his head] No. The piano's Everything.
House," I'm not saying he'd Ever work for NASA, but flipping burgers isn't out of the question."
 OBYEDKOV," I don't mind taking care of him, so he can play the piano."
House," No, you're actually lucky. You don't have to watch your kid grow up, you don't have to let go."
 OBYEDKOV, [mad] You trying to make this about me? I love my son! Just the way he is!
House, He's a monkey-grinder at the circus.
 OBYEDKOV, He's worked hard to get where he is!
House, So has the monkey. [beat] The piano is a neurological accident.
 OBYEDKOV, It's a gift.
House, And I'm offering him a life.
House, It's up to you.
Chase, [running a test] I've isolated the cancer proteins in House's CSF.
Foreman, [imPatient] About time. Can't let him go to Boston if he qualifies for the Duke trial.
Chase, [sleepy yet annoyed] You wanna do it?
Cameron, Damn. He's negative for Protein PHF. He doesn't qualify.
Chase, [sees something] What's that?
Chase, That shouldn't be there.
 OBYEDKOV, [gently] Patrick.
PATRICK," [softly] Oh, papa."
 OBYEDKOV," [smiles lovingly] Patrick, I have a question for you."
PATRICK, Yes?
 OBYEDKOV, [fighting back tears] Are you happy?
PATRICK, [repeating softly] Are you happy?
Foreman, [voice over] House! Open up! [knock! knock! knock! knock!] Open up! It's important!
House, I got a flight in three hours.
Foreman, [ecstatic] You don't have cancer. There was an abnormal presence of IgC and IgM indicating...
House, I don't have neurosyphilis. My MRI showed nothing...
Cameron," [really wide-eyed with joy] It's a gumma in your brain. It's very rare not to be in the liver and I'm really glad we nEver slept together, but..."
House, We would have used a condom and I don't have syphilis. My VDRL was negative...
Chase, We did an FDA antibody test. The VDRL was a false negative. [thrilled to bits] You're not going to die! All you need is IV antibiotics!
House," [quietly, seriously] Did you send these results to Mass General?"
Chase, [gestures happily] Of course.
House, [pissed] You... idiots.
Foreman, [reasoning] We just told you you're not gonna die. You should be making out with Cameron!
Cameron, [unsure] You knew it wasn't cancer?
House, I was sure it was cancer.
Chase, Then why aren't you celebrating?
House," [turning around, loudly] Because... it wasn't my damn file!"
Cameron, [non-plussed] You faked cancer?
House," The real Patient is in the Witherspoon Wing. Feel free to tell his wife he's not gonna die, but he is cheating on her."
Chase, Why would you want us to think you...?
House," [exasperated] I didn't!! I wanted the guys at Boston to think that I had cancer. I wanted the guys, who were gonna implant a cool drug right into pleasure centre of my brain, to think that I had cancer!"
Cameron, [in disbelief] You faked cancer to get high?
House, I'm going to bed.
Foreman, You're right! I don't like you! [leaves]
House, Sure. Now that I'm not dying.
Wilson, Heard Patrick's hemispherectomy went well.
House," He survived the surgery. He's unconscious, but..."
Wilson, How depressed are you?!
House, I'm not depressed.
Wilson, You faked... cancer.
House, It was an outPatient procedure. I was curious.
Wilson, Are you curious about heroin?
House," Not since last year's Christmas party. Whoof! [beat] I know this goes against your nature, but can we not make too much of this?"
Wilson, You made people think that you were going to die!
House, [protesting] I didn't make them! I tried to hide it! You idiots needed to get into my business.
House," I'm sure I'll regret asking, but why are you laughing?"
Wilson, It's ironic.
House," I'm sure I'll regret asking, but why...?"
Wilson," Depression in cancer Patients. 'S not as common as you think. It's not the dying that gets to people. It's the dying alone. The Patients with family, with friends... they tend to do okay. You don't have cancer. You do have people who give a damn. So what do you do? [laughs again] You fake the cancer, then push the people who care away."
House, Because... they're boring. [looks at Wilson] Go home to your hotel room and laugh at that irony.
Wilson," [smiles wrily] Start small, House. Take a chance. Maybe something that doesn't involve sticking stuff in your brain. Pizza with a friend. [points to himself with a bow] A movie. Something."
House, [switParkng off the penlight] Follow my finger.
House, You know your name?
House, Speech centre was on the right side. It'll be a while before he's talking.
 OBYEDKOV, He hasn't really done anything except that... stare off into the distance.
House, [nods] It'll take some time to...
 OBYEDKOV," [going to help him] Oh, uh..."
 OBYEDKOV, [overjoyed] You buttoned your shirt?
House, Looks happy.
[CUE MUSIC," ""See The World"" by Gomez]"
JOHN," Oh I'll take it! Baby babe [Marine 1 laughs, John grabs a torch and uses it as a microphone.] I'll meet you, same place, same time. Where we can, get together, and ease up, our mind. Do a little dance, make a... [Music stops.] Yo yo, turn that back on, turn it back on."
JOHN," [To Marine 1.] Hey, you better have put fresh batteries in that like I told you to."
JOHN," Well then hit it or something. Otherwise, [laughing] you're all going to have to listen to me sing! [Big explosion] Son of a bitch!"
JOHN," Here. [Hands him the gun.] Don't panic, and don't shoot us, don't die. [Ties off his leg.] Got it G? [Runs off.]"
Cuddy," Up and at em, you're supposed to be in clinic duty."
House," Yeah, like I could sleep down there with all the crying and coughing."
Cuddy, [Hands House a file.] Here. Ex-Marine. Thinks he has gulf war syndrome.
House, [Rolls his eyes.] There's no such thing.
Cuddy," So he's been told, it hasn't stopped the unexplained fatigue, rashes and joint pain. And just so you know, he's the nephew of a benefactor I owe a favour, so you're going to take this case whether you like it or not."
House," Why wouldn't I want to take the case? [Starts opening the file.] The guy's tired and sore, it's going to be chapter one in my... [Stops mid sentence when he sees the photo of the Patient and is shocked when it matches up exactly with the sergeant (John) in his dream.]"
JOHN," Don't panic, and don't shoot us, don't die."
Cuddy, You know him?
House, NEver met him before in my life.
Cuddy, Ok...Well you're about to. He's on his way here. Get your ass up and get your team together. You've got work to do. [Cuddy leaves. House continues to stare at the photo.]
Wilson, That's amazing.
House, No it's not.
Wilson, It's not?
House," I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a Parkld's ear, or any other orifice for that matter; under the right circumstances I could bring two women into simultaneous ecstasy."
Wilson, The right circumstance being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
House, What I absolutely cannot do is dream about someone I've nEver seen before.
Wilson, Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it can't happen.
House," True, it can't happen because it can't happen!"
Wilson, [Flushes with his elbow.] Well maybe you didn't dream about this guy specifically.
House," Right, just some other guy who looks exactly like him."
Wilson," No, you imagined some generic Marine then you placed his face in the dream after you saw the picture. [Starts to wash his hands.] Sort of a coincidence mixed with a little d�jà vu."
House, There's no record of him Ever coming into the clinic so I must have seen him before somewhere else.
Wilson," Fine, you've known him since cub scouts. The more interesting question isn't what you dreamed but why? [House starts washing his hands as well.] I'm guessing you're longing for either a renewed relationship with your dad or a new relationship with one of the Village People."
House, He was in the Navy not the Marines.
Wilson, I thought your dad was in the Marines?
House, The guy in the Village People.
Wilson," Actually he's only in the Navy when they sang, In The Navy. The rest of the time he's just in generic fatigues. [House stares at him.] What? You brought it up! [House starts to walk out.] You didn't flush."
House, I didn't pee.
House," Male, 34, just got out of the Marines after 2 years in Iraq. Admitted complaining of chronic fatigue, joint pains, intermittent rashes and sore throats. Thinks he has gulf war syndrome."
Cameron, Why is he here instead of the VA?
House, Because he has a rich uncle that Cuddy is trying to avoid fellating and doesn't buy the VA's diagnosis of Nothing's-wrong-atosis. [Pops a pill.]
Foreman," The VA is right, there's no such thing as Gulf War Syndrome especially in veterans who've nEver served in the Gulf War."
Chase," Different war, same place. WhatEver was there in 1990 is still there."
Foreman, That can send you home in a pine box but it still can't get you sick 3 months after you've gotten home.
Chase," What, so thousands of soldiers are lying about the symptoms?"
Foreman," You send 700,000 people on a vacation to Hawaii some of them are going to come back sick, doesn't mean it was caused by snorkelling."
Cameron, He's right. Studies all show the same pattern of symptoms in veterans that were sent to the Gulf and those who weren't.
Foreman, That's it? You beliEve her but not me?
House, Stick to your guns Chase. Just because there isn't a single unifying symptom doesn't mean there isn't something going on. Could just affect Everyone differently.
Chase, You think this guy has Gulf War Syndrome?
House, Course not. He's depressed and he's looking for a disability check. Most likely because he's just realised that knowing how to barter for sex in six languages and open a beer bottle with your eye socket are not the most marketable skills.
Foreman, Why'd you take this case?
House, Because a good scientist continually questions his own theories and assumptions.
Cameron, Cuddy's making him.
House," Now I'm making you. Do a full physical and recheck his blood for HIV, Hep C, Malaria, SParkstosomiasis and T strain A. bauMannii just to make sure the VA's dotted their i's and find out Every hospital and clinic he's Ever visited, Every city he's Ever lived in and... whether he's Ever been on TV. [Starts to walk towards his office.]"
Cameron, TV?
House," [Turns around.] The pRoblem could be neurological, Everyone knows TV rots your brain. [Continues to his office.]"
JOHN," It's usually the worst on my palms and the bottoms of my feet. I get these, black dots all over."
Cameron, I don't see anything.
JOHN, It comes and goes.
Foreman, You sure it's not just scrapes and bruises?
JOHN, I know the difference between a rash and a bruise.
Cameron, Sometimes it's harder than you realise to distinguish between the two. You obviously exercise.
JOHN, My pRoblems aren't caused by my workouts.
Foreman," But you do work out, and by the look of you pretty strenuously. That's not usually the case with Patients whose principal complaint is chronic fatigue and joint pain."
JOHN, I was in the Marines for 12 years. I'm used to doing PT Every day. Just because I can push through the pain doesn't mean it's not there.
Chase, We're not saying we don't beliEve you.
JOHN, The hell you aren't.
Chase, We just need to be specific about what exactly the pRoblems are.
JOHN," I sleep 10 hours at night, but I feel tired all the time. I constantly get coughs, rashes, sore throats. My knees and hips feel like someone poured sand in my joints. I get these weird tingling sensations in my legs, sometimes they're cold, other times it feels like my blood is boiling. Specific enough? Look I don't care what you guys call it, Gulf War Syndrome, Iraq fEver or just crappy sickness X. I just want someone to figure out what it is so they can cure it."
Cameron, Except for the supposed pain in his joints none of the other symptoms he's complaining about are currently evident.
Foreman," Besides low potassium, pRobably caused by him overhydrating after working out. His blood work's all normal."
Chase, Low potassium could also pRobably be caused by the experimental vaccines and anti chemical warfare pills he was given before he deployed to Iraq. Not to mention the fact that whole country is littered with hundreds of tons of radioactive shrapnel from depleted uranium munitions.
Foreman, [Scoffs.] What did you go to medical school in France? There's no trace of uranium in his urine. He was given the vaccines and meds 2 years ago without any allergic or adverse reactions.
House, Has he Ever done any modelling?
Chase, We forgot to ask. We should send his urine to the University of Leicester there's a professor there who's dEveloped a more advanced screening technique for uranium.
Foreman, If the lEvels are too low for us to detect they're way too low to cause any damage. [House continues walking right past the office.] Where you going?
House, [Turns around.] This way. Did you find out about any television or other media exposure?
Cameron, Do you really care or are you just trying to waste hospital resources to get back at Cuddy for making you take the case?
House," Of course I care, what a horrible thing to say. Do a Lexis-Nexis search and get a copy of his credit report."
Foreman, Before or after we tell him to eat a banana and discharge him with a psych referral?
House," I say before. And I say in between give him a polysomnogram. Sleep apnea could cause chronic fatigue and paranoia. Find out where he went to summer camp. [Foreman shakes his head, House turns around to start walking off but stops, Cameron moves forward.]"
Cameron, Are you ok?
House, Yea just a little too much coffee this morning.
Cameron, Were we... walking you to the bathroom?
House, [Sighs.] I wish. [Cameron gives him a weird look.] Wilson was just in there. These guys know what I'm talking about. [House walks off while Cameron looks confused. Chase and Foreman look at each other and then walk off in the opposite direction to House.]
Cameron," That's his third REM cycle and his breathing is completely normal, there's obviously nothing wrong with his sleep pattern."
Chase, It's not uranium it's got to be some other sort of toxin.
Cameron," Or nothing at all. Do you really think there's something wrong, or do you just want Foreman to be wrong?"
Chase, Both.
Cameron," Well, it's not his sleep pattern. If you really think it's a toxin you can do a liver biopsy in the morning. [Gets up to leave.]"
Chase," We can't leave, if we don't monitor the whole test House won't accept the results, he'll just make us do it over."
Cameron, It doesn't take two doctors to monitor what's clearly going to be a normal polysomnogram.
Chase, Oh so you want me to stay?
Cameron, You're the one that thought there was something wrong.
Chase, I nEver said it was a sleep disorder.
Cameron, You want to flip for it?
Chase, [Scoffs.] Just... go.
Cameron," Oh c'mon, don't be a baby. Fine, I'll stay. [Sits back down.] You know what we could do... [Gestures towards an empty room with a bed in it.]"
Chase, Here?
Cameron, Why not? We're surrounded by empty rooms with beds in them.
Chase, Yea and video cameras too.
Cameron, So we turn them off.
Chase, Yeah that's all I need is House or Foreman walking in on us.
Cameron, We have the keys.
Chase," [Thinks about it.] No, what if he wakes up?"
Cameron," Alright. [Puts her feet on the desk and leans back in the chair.] Suit yourself. [Looks at the screens, Chase looks contemplative.]"
House," [Hits the wall.] Damn it. [Sighs and chucks the ice pack he was holding into the sink and pulls up his pants, hobbles slowly over to the mirror and grabs a pill bottle. He shakes it and stares at himself in the mirror for a few seconds before popping a pill.]"
JOHN, Hello? Is anybody out there? I think there's a pRoblem in here.
Foreman, What's wrong?
JOHN, What do you mean what's wrong? You don't smell that?
Foreman, Nothing smells John.
JOHN, Are you kidding me? It's disgusting!
Foreman," How long have you thought... Wait. [Gets out his torch and bends down to look in John's mouth.] Open your mouth [Camera zooms in on John's tongue and we see all the little bacteria growing there, camera goes back to Foreman.] The smell's not in the room, it's in your mouth. [Chase followed by Cameron walk in.]"
Chase, What's going on?
Foreman, Good question.
House, What?
Chase," You were wrong about the nothing's-wrong-atosis, you can fake fatigue and joint pain but you can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth."
House, Where's his mouth been?
Cameron, Says he hasn't performed oral sex on anyone for over a year.
House, Selfish bastard.
Foreman, Because he hasn't been with anyone since his last girlfriend dumped him after he deployed to Iraq the second time.
House, Selfish bitch. [Cameron rolls her eyes.]
Chase," We've ruled out HIV, diabetes and any other endocrine abnormality."
Cameron," Could be autoimmune, Sjogren's decreases salivary flow creates a hospitable home for bacteria."
Chase," No, his eyes and tear ducts are fine."
House, Who was his last girlfriend?
Foreman," [Sarcastic.] Yea we'll get right on that. Chronic fatigue, joint pain and opportunistic infection spells cancer, pRobably lymphoma. We should biopsy his tonsillar and subMandibular lymph nodes"
House," Right about cancer, wrong about lymphoma. Unless you're simply hiding the fact that his lymph nodes are swollen. Get Wilson to biopsy his salivary glands. He's got parotid cancer, and see if you can get to the truth about who he's been dating, there's no way a Marine goes a year without getting some blood on his bayonet."
Chase, It's not an STD you just said...
House," Just do it. [Hangs up the phone, goes back to the magazine.]"
Wilson," The antibiotics should at least reliEve the infection, which will reduce the odour and taste in your mouth."
JOHN, Not soon enough.
Wilson," All right, you're going to feel a little burn. [Sticks the needle into John's face.]"
JOHN," You know I nEver Even dipped. Chewing tobacco. Practically Everyone in my unit did, but me. I was so paranoid about cancer."
Wilson, Well if it's parotid cancer it's very treatable if diagnosed early. [Stops poking John's face and puts the needle down.]
JOHN," My mom had cancer, which is why I know that diagnosing cancer early means before there's any serious symptoms. [Spits a large amount of what looks like pus into a bowl.] Certainly tastes like a pretty serious symptom you know?"
Wilson, We'll know more after the test. [Grabs a much bigger needle.]
Cameron, If he was just trying to mess with Cuddy for wasting his time this would have stopped as soon as the Patient started exhibiting actual symptoms.
Chase, So the question is why is he wasting our time?
Cameron, Or is he wasting our time?
Chase, You think he's got a medical reason for asking for the guy's credit report?
Foreman, I don't. Where were you two when the guy woke up?
Chase, Uhhh... we just... stepped out for a second.
Foreman, To do what?
Chase, To... get a coffee. We'd been up most of the night.
Cameron," He's just pushing to make sure we get the complete history, obviously we're missing something or we'd have the answer. [Foreman looks suspiciously at Cameron.]"
Foreman, You didn't have any coffee when you came back.
Cameron," All right already, we confess. You caught us, we snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working and we're sorry, now can we move on? [Chase looks shocked, Foreman starts laughing.]"
Foreman, House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
Cameron, No you would do House AND Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
Chase, [Defensive] She did me once!
Foreman, She was stoned! [Continues laughing.]
Wilson, Biopsy's inconclusive. I'm going to do a sialogram while we wait for the results from the additional blood work.
House, No hurry. PRobably nothing we can do at this point anyway.
Wilson, Well if the cancer hasn't spread.
House, He's spitting stink. You should focus on the living. I need a prescription.
Wilson, I just wrote you a prescription.
House," For Vicodin, I need alfuzosin."
Wilson, No you don't. You figured out where you met your Marine?
House," What? Oh that, I haven't really thought about it. I can't pee."
Wilson, You can't remember him can you?
House, I can't pee.
Wilson, So stop taking the Vicodin.
House, I want to pee and not be in pain.
Wilson, Why don't you go to sleep?
House, I don't pee when I'm asleep.
Wilson, Maybe you'll dream about him again and maybe he'll give you an address.
House, I haven't peed in three days.
Wilson, I read that REM sleep is the brain's way of working out pRoblems.
House," Very useful, did you hear what I just said?"
Wilson, Yea you lied because you want to avoid talking about your obsession.
House, I'm not obsessing.
Wilson, Why don't you just ask him?
House, [Yelling.] I haven't peed in three days!
Wilson, You'd be dead.
House, I'm not counting intermittent drips.
Wilson, You'd be in agony.
House, I passed agony yesterday around 4. [Pops a pill.]
Foreman," [Hangs up his phone.] His mother, brother, uncle and best friend all confirm he hasn't had a date in over a year, which means it's not an STD. If you come up with something medically relevant, page me. [Gets up and leaves.]"
Cameron, What did you want me to tell him? The truth?
Chase, No. You didn't have to be so convincing.
Cameron, [Smiles.] Don't worry. I'll make it up to you.
Chase, This is getting out of control.
Cameron, Don't pout.
Chase, Our Patient woke up with an infection while we were getting our rocks off.
Cameron, [Leans in closer to Chase.] Do you want to stop?
Chase, No. But I don't want to get caught either.
Cameron, You think I do?
Chase, You certainly didn't go out of your way to keep the volume down while we were in the sleep lab.
Cameron, [Smiles.] I couldn't help that... Why would I want to get caught?
Chase, Maybe you want to give House a reason to be jealous?
Cameron," I'm over House. All this is, is uncompliCated sex, don't try to make it more than that."
Chase, We're not doing it at work anymore.
Cameron," Fine. [Leans back, puts her glasses back on and starts reading one of the sheets of paper on the table. Chase sighs. Cameron looks back at Chase.] Want to go grab some lunch?"
Woman," [Takes a drink of water from her bottle and starts tipping it from side to side, making a swishing noise, much to House's dismay.] I think the pill is the way to go, we haven't had a condom break yet thank god, but it's bound to happen. Especially the way we've been doing it."
House, On a bed of nails?
Woman, No he's not kinky. He's just insatiable. I can barely make it to any of my morning classes.
House, [Takes a deep breath.] You smoke?
Woman, No way.
House, [Yelling.] Stop it! [Woman jumps and stops moving the bottle.]
Woman, [Quietly.] Sorry.
House, Any history of hypertension? Blood clots? Strokes?
Woman, Nope. Besides my OCD I'm fit as a fiddle. [Takes a drink of water.]
House, You have OCD.
Woman, Duh. Can't you tell?
House, Any other compulsions besides drinking massive amounts of water?
Woman, No. That's it thank god. My therapist says it could be a lot worse.
House, You get up in the middle of the night to drink?
Woman," Yeah, Every couple of hours."
House, Then your therapist is an idiot. Unconscious people don't have OCD. They can howEver have diabetes insipidus.
Woman, That's impossible. I eat candy all the time.
House, Different kind of diabetes. This kind is cause by a banged up pituitary. You're obviously more of a lover than a fighter I'm guessing either a car accident or... you cracked your skull on the balance beam.
Woman, [Amazed.] How'd you know?
House," Easy, nice ass, no boobs, you got palms like a longshoreMan. Wait here, you need a CAT scan."
Woman, Oh my god.
House," Don't worry, just means you'll be taking two hormone supplements instead of one."
Wilson," Ok, this time you're going to feel a little pressure, I'm inserting the contrast material."
JOHN, Could you turn up the music?
Wilson, Sure. [Nods to the nurse who turns it up.] Looks pretty good so far.
JOHN, Still can't hear it that well.
Wilson, Can you hear it now? John? [Starts to yell.] John? John can you hear me? [Gets no reaction.]
Wilson, Still no... relief?
House, I got relief. I just got no pee. [Pops a pill.]
Wilson, If the pills didn't work you may need a catheter.
House," You didn't come here to talk to me about my pee, what's going on?"
Wilson," [Pulls out the CT scan and puts it on the light board.] He's got cancer all right, but it's not in his salivary glands, it's in his brain. [House gets up and walks over to look at the scans.] And it's bad, at least 6 tumours, maybe more. He lost his hearing, his sight's pRobably next."
House, Death is pRobably next.
House, No way he could've grown all these in a week.
Foreman," Any older, VA couldn't have missed all these."
Wilson," Maybe they didn't miss them, just mixed them up. Switched his films with another Patient's by mistake."
House," Maybe, but it means some poor sap's getting his melon sliced in the VA for no reason."
Wilson, This poor sergeant is going to be dead by the end of the week.
House, Where have you two been?
Cameron," Lunch. Why, what happened?"
House," Wilson's found some fast growing, illusive, or magic brain tumours. What did you find?"
Cameron," Nothing, he's telling the truth."
Wilson, About what?
Chase," About Everything. Where he's lived, who he's dated, besides forgetting to mention his dad's shin splints, his granddad's nosebleeds and to return a few rented DVD's, Everything he's told us has checked out."
Wilson, [Loudly.] You have them researParkng your dream?
House, Nope. I have them researParkng my Patient.
Cameron, You had a dream about a Patient?
Wilson," This poor guy's brain is riddled with tumours and you're checking his credit report? [To the ducklings.] C'mon, I need you guys. [Starts to walk out, ducklings follow.]"
House, Where you going?
Wilson, To do my job.
House, He's not your Patient.
Wilson," He is now. Go home and go to sleep, maybe you'll dream the cure to late stage brain cancer."
Cuddy, How is he?
House, He's dead.
Cuddy, [Shocked.] Oh god.
House, Least he will be in a few days. Question is why? The only explanation is that the VA hospital screwed up.
Cuddy, There was definitely no mix up I had them recheck.
House," Yes, why would a government agency lie to cover up a mistake? Might've caused the death of a guy they've been trying to kill for the last two years anyway."
Cuddy, They didn't lie [House pops a pill and then a second.] Did you just take two Vicodin?
House," No, it was an antidepressant, I was told to take two Every time you walked into the room."
Cuddy, [Sighs and hands House a scan.] The VA scan of his brain. No tumours.
House, Yes this has proved positive that someone didn't have tumours in his brain.
Cuddy," You see that bright spot below his left orbit. That is the titanium pin your Patient had inserted 20 years ago. Unless you think the VA happened to mix up his scans with someone who had the exact same pin, they didn't screw up."
Cameron, You paged us?
House, Why didn't you send his urine to Leicester like I told you?
Chase, Because you told me not to.
House, Why did you choose that moment to listen to me?
Chase, You think depleted uranium might have something to do with his tumours?
House, Radiation's the only thing that will make tumours grow that fast.
Cameron, High doses of radiation. Even if he ate depleted uranium bullets for breakfast he still would have been exposed to less radiation than we've given him in the last two days.
House," Do it anyway. [Chase goes to grab the right urine sample.] [To Cameron.] And you, call his uncle back, find out if he Ever brought his nephew to any hospital parties or fundraisers."
Cameron, No. Not until you give me a reason.
House, Because... I'm your boss.
Cameron, A rational reason. Or at least admit that you don't have one.
House, I've got a full bladder and I'm not afraid to use it.
Cameron, But you are apparently afraid of discovering something that you can't rationally explain...
House, [Cuts her off.] SHUT UP! Do what you're told. Cuddy and Wilson may not have to listen to me but you do. [Leaves.]
Cameron, What the hell was that all about?
Chase, I don't care. Which is why I didn't feel the need to ask him 8 personal questions.
Cameron, I'm over him.
Chase, Just making an observation.
Wilson," All right, ready whenEver you are."
Foreman," I'm ready. [Starts the drill, looks up the screen and notices something, stops the drill.] Wait a minute. Zoom in. [Nurse zooms the scan in.] I don't see it. You sure you got the right coordinates?"
Wilson, Yea she's in the right place. Go 10 millimetres above the ACPC line on the Z-axis.
NURSE, 10 mil above ACPC on Z.
Foreman, It's not there anymore.
Wilson, Are you sure you got the gantry angle right?
NURSE, Yeah I'm sure.
Foreman, It's not there. [Foreman and Wilson look at each other.]
Foreman, It disappeared.
Cuddy, 6 tumours don't just disappear.
House, Unless they were nEver there to begin with.
Cuddy, The VA didn't screw up.
House, Maybe someone else did. Maybe it was Dr. Self-Righteous.
Wilson, I saw the tumours. There was no mix up.
Cuddy, Maybe there's something wrong with the portable imager in the OR.
Foreman, Something that would cause it to show brain tissue in perfect detail but completely miss neoplastic tissue?
House, Then they were nEver tumours to begin with.
Wilson, I told you I saw...
House, No you saw something that looked like tumours. We all did. We were all wrong. Well maybe he doesn't have cancer maybe he has a brain infection that's causing multiple abscesses.
Cuddy, That miraculously healed?
House," No, they were healed by the antibiotics we're giving him for the vaginosis in his mouth."
Cuddy, If it's an infection why didn't it show up in his blood work?
House, I don't know. Yet.
NURSE," Dr. Wilson, we have a pRoblem."
JOHN, What did you do? I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my legs! What did you guys do?
Wilson," John, John, calm down. We didn't Even operate. [To the nurse.] Would this be a usual effect?"
JOHN, I can't feel my legs!
NURSE, It's not the anaesthesia.
House," John, John! We're going to figure out what's wrong with you, but first we need to know one thing. Have you Ever appeared in any pornos?"
House," Chronic fatigue, sore throats, rashes, putrid discharge of the mouth, multiple abscesses in the brain, hearing loss and last but not least lower limb paralysis. He's certainly given us plenty of clues."
Cameron, It's got to be some sort of infection.
House, That's miraculously improving in his brain but getting worse in his ears and legs?
Wilson, Could be an infection and cancer. Neoplastic syndrome could depress his immune system and cause the other symptoms.
House," Mm-hmm. You're basing this theory on the negative biopsy, the lymph nodes that aren't swollen or the tumours that were nEver there to begin with?"
Wilson, And what are you going to base your theory on? His favourite restaurants?
Chase, I was right. He's excreting depleted uranium in his urine. We should start him on an IV infusion of isotonic sodium bicarbonates.
House, It's not depleted uranium.
Chase, You're the one...
House," Who asked for the test when we were thinking cancer, we no longer are."
Chase, Depleted uranium doesn't just cause cells to mutate it can cause cell death as well.
House, Not spinal cord cells. At least not until the dose is high enough to kill all his other cells first.
Foreman, So you're saying the radioactive uranium in his urine is irrelevant?
House," [Sighs.] The sun is radioactive, the earth is radioactive, this hospital is filled with radiation. The issue is not where it is but how much there is, and what damage that amount could cause inside someone's spinal cord, as I've already stated quite clearly..."
Wilson," Got it, we're all idiots, what's your theory?"
House, Give me your keys.
Wilson, Why?
House," You Ever tried riding a motorcycle with a distended bladder? [Wilson throws his keys to House.] Keep him on antibiotics, check his hearing and paralysis Every hour. [Starts to leave.]"
Foreman, So you basically want us to do nothing?
House, No... I basically want to do nothing. I want you to keep him on antibiotics and check his hearing and paralysis Every hour. [Continues leaving.]
Wilson," Wait, you can't go home now."
House, Actually I have to go home now. It's two days past my bedtime.
Wilson, House he needs your help.
House, And I need sleep. Hey it's the brain's way of working out pRoblems that the conscious mind can't solve during the day remember? [Leaves.]
JOHN," [Shakes his head.] No, nothing. [Sighs.] I'm going to die, aren't I?"
Foreman," No, we're not. We should start treatment for the uranium toxicity like you said."
Cameron, But House...
Foreman, Isn't here.
Chase, If House wanted to be involved in the case... [Again from John's point of view so we don't hear the end of the sentence.]
Cameron, If he wanted us to start this treatment he would have told us to the last time you brought it up.
Foreman, You have a better idea?
Cameron, No.
Foreman," Then we're going with Chase's. [Slaps Chase on the arm and walks out, Chase follows.]"
Foreman, Tell him not to get the lines tangled. The infusion is slow we can't have any kinks in the lines.
Chase," [Taps Foreman on the shoulder and shows him the whiteboard on which Chase has already written 'Don't tangle the lines'.] I went to medical school too. [Shows John the board, John nods.]"
Foreman," Keep your arms on your body, above your heart. [Puts his arms over his chest to show John what he means.]"
JOHN," [Nods and copies, then starts feeling around his stomach.] I can't feel my stomach. [Foreman sticks a pin in John's stomach.] I don't feel that. [Starts to panic.] I don't feel anything."
Foreman," The paralysis is ascending, if it keeps going we're going to need a respirator."
JOHN, What? What are you saying?
Chase, Can you breathe? [Writes 'Trouble breathing?' on the whiteboard and shows John.]
JOHN, No. Not yet.
House," So, where were we?"
Foreman, You have a nice night?
House, No. [Gets rid of the remote and walks out.]
Cameron, The paralysis is ascending. Last check it was nearly to his diaphragm.
House, Tells us something.
Foreman, Means it's getting worse.
House, Worse is something.
Chase, Actually it tells us it's not the uranium.
House, Did we think it was?
Foreman, We started him on sodium bicarb to try and flush the uranium out of his system.
House," Great, now the fact that he's getting worse tells us nothing. NEver thought it was uranium. For all we know uranium treatment is what's making him..."
Foreman, Sodium bicarb infusion wouldn't have any effect on...
House, On what? Kind of hard to say what it would have an effect on if you have no idea what's there to affect.
Foreman, We had to do something.
House," Well next time, go with something that has a chance of working."
Cameron, Like what? Did you come up with some brilliant idea while you were warm and cosy in your bed at home?
House, We need more information.
Foreman, How much more information could you possible want? We have a medical history going all the way back to his great grandparents. A non-medical history going...
House, It's not enough.
Chase, It's all we're going to get.
House, Want to bet?
Cuddy, Who approved a sodium bicarb infusion?
House," Don't look at me, I was home in bed."
Chase, What's wrong?
Cuddy," He's unconscious, his skin has lost all colour and his BP and hematocrit are plunging."
Foreman, He was only on the sodium bicarb...
House, He's bleeding out.
Cameron, He can't be bleeding out there's no blood in the bed.
House," Fine, he's bleeding in."
Chase, There's no sign of bruising or internal haemorrhaging.
Foreman, The paralysis must have reached his diaphragm he's not able to oxygenate his blood.
House, He's not able to oxygenate his blood because he doesn't have any left. [Starts to put down Johns bed.]
Chase, There's no evidence...
House, The only thing that would explain...
Cameron, There's no reason for blood loss.
House," There has to be a reason, he needs a transfusion. Get me four units of O negative stat! Now let's elevate his feet. [Pulls John's pillow out from under his head.]"
Cuddy, He doesn't need a transfusion.
House, Nobody asked you. [Puts the pillow under John's feet.] In fact why are you Even here?
Cuddy, Because obviously you need my help.
House, Get out.
Chase," House. [Starts to walk over to House's side of the bed.] His blood obviously didn't just vanish... [Slips over, and notices a yellow liquid on the floor, puts his fingers in it.] What the hell is this?"
House, [Looks down.] Somebody must have spilled something. [Goes back to what he was doing.] Somebody else should be getting me four units of O negative stat.
Chase," [Still on the ground, notices the liquid is coming from Houses leg, lifts up House's jeans to rEveal a catheter bag with a rip in it leaking large amounts of urine onto the floor.] What the hell is that?"
House," It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what hell's it look like?"
House, What? [More and more urine pours out of the bag.] It's just urine. It's sterile. No one's getting me blood! [House's nose starts bleeding.] Why isn't anybody getting me blood?
Foreman, You're bleeding. [House wipes his nose.]
Cuddy, House are you all right?
House, Why are you Even here?
Cuddy, I'm always here.
House," No you're not. There got to be a reason. There has to be. [House closes his eyes, there's a quick shot of each of the ducklings, then Cuddy who smiles, then John who opens his eyes and starts laughing Manically.]"
House," So, where were we?"
Foreman, You have a nice night?
House, Yes I did thank you. I'm guessing better than our Patient. PRobably due to his BP and hematocrit plunging. [Throws the remote to Foreman.]
Foreman, How'd you know? [House walks out.]
House," The answer was staring right at us the whole time, as plain as the nose on our faces, or the nose on his face."
JOHN," What's going on, what'd he say?"
House, No hairs and cauterisation scars.
Chase, [Confused.] Which means?
House, He had it cauterised.
Cameron, How could you know that?
House," Because it makes sense, undoubtedly done to stop the same Parkldhood nosebleeds that plagued his grandfather, undoubtedly because they were both born with Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia."
JOHN, What's he saying?
House, I'm saying you got a genetic disease that is destroying your capillaries.
Cameron, That no one in his family has Ever been diagnosed with before?
House," Not surprising, since the most common initial symptoms, skin rashes and nosebleeds, are often written off as the result of minor trauma or dry weather. But they can also be the result of his arteries and veins merging together. He obviously has AVM's. [Camera takes a trip through John's chest showing what House is explaining.] An AVM near his spine caused the paralysis. AVM in his lungs prEvented his blood from being filtered. Dirty blood caused the joint pain, fatigue and the infections in his mouth and brain. Nothing that a few surgeries won't clear up. Get MR angiograms of the aforementioned. The Marines weren't hiding anything, he was, or at least he forgot to mention his bloody tissue issue. [House leaves.]"
JOHN," What's going on, what'd he say?"
Wilson," Oh, looks like solving the case, solved your other pRoblem."
House," There is no medicine like happiness, except maybe laughter, or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra."
Wilson, You cathed yourself?
House," It's actually not that bad after the first... I don't know, 9 or 10 inches. Cath reliEved the spasm. I'm as good as new."
Wilson," Of course, just a minor spasm in a muscle you've been using multiple times a day without any pRoblem for the past 45 years. Not a major side effect caused by the overuse of a particular narcotic painkiller."
House, [Flushes.] Yeah that was my thought too. [Walks over to wash his hands.]
Wilson," [Flushes with his elbow.] So, no reason to think about cutting back on your use of that particular pill."
House, Thank god. Actually it was a triple dose of the good stuff that allowed me to finally get some sleep and solve the case. The pills made all my dreams come true.
Wilson, You really got the answer in your sleep?
House," I got one in my sleep, the other one I got in the shower. [Walks out.]"
House, I've been thinking about you. You lied.
Cuddy," I didn't lie, I simply chose not to share completely irrelevant facts."
House, Like the fact that you lied. No wonder I couldn't place his face. You were practically swallowing it on the dance floor.
Cuddy, I was not.
House," Talk about the cool uncle, he donates the money while the nephew gets the write off. Of course by write off I mean he gets to put your ankles..."
Cuddy, [Puts her hand on his chest to stop House talking.] This is exactly why I didn't mention our one date over two years ago.
House, Because of my t-shirt?
Cuddy, [Drags House away from the nurses station.] Because you are an obnoxious ass. Because you would've spent the whole time...
House," That's very smart, because this way I spent my whole time completely focused on the Patient."
Cuddy, How did you Even remember him? We were only at that party for like 10 minutes.
House, What is this some new health plan? You service the Dean of Medicine and you get free health care for a year? [Cuddy smiles.] Why are you smiling?
Cuddy, You remembered him because he made out with me.
House," I'm good with faces. So this plan, is it open to anyone? Is there a co-pay?"
Cuddy, You're lousy with faces.
House," Don't make this about me, this is your humiliation. So how much for private room coverage?"
Cuddy, [Still smiling.] Get over me. [Starts to walk away.]
House, Oh give me a break. You hired me...
Cuddy, Because you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank so I got you cheap.
House, You gave me Everything I asked for because one night I gave you Everything you...
Cuddy," Stop staring at my ass when you think I'm not looking, showing up at restaurants where I happen to be on a date and fantasising about me in the shower. That ship sailed long ago House. Get over it. [Walks away.]"
House, If you're still referring to you ass I think that super tanker sailed would be a more precise metaphor.
House," Sorry, looking for an extra large trash can. [Dumps the files and paper in the bin and walks out shutting the door behind him.]"
Chase, Since when does he clean anything up?
Emma, Hey. [She removes her shoulder bag and hands it off as she walks through the room.]
Tyson Ritter," You got this whole thing wrong, Em. It's the rock star that's supposed to be late, not the rock star photographer."
Emma, Sorry. Morning sickness. Touch the belly.
Tyson, It's the first time I've been asked to do that.
Emma," Come on. It's good luck. [As he does a two-handed feel of her very pregnant belly in sEveral positions, Emma calls to assistants.]"
Tyson, Mmm. Ooh
Emma," Get the keynotes behind the drop. [Lights come on in back. Guitar is slung over Tyson's back.] So, what do you think?"
Tyson," Uh, I think people aren't going to get it."
Emma, Come on. All-American Rejects. Juxtaposing a classic image of Americana with modern pop culture. You.
Tyson," Oh, yeah. Everyone loves a good juxtaposition. My fans were born in the 90s."
Emma," You know what? You do this picture, you'll gain forty years of fans."
Tyson, Yeah?
Emma, Yeah.
Tyson, Love the Rockwell thing.
Emma, I thought so. Okay. Kill the House lights. Let's go. [She starts taking pictures.] Hang on. Hey. Who's in charge of the backdrop? Naomi!
Naomi, Yeah?
Tyson, [looks behind him] What's wrong with it?
Emma," Uh, well the words are completely jumbled. [He looks again.] What? You can read that?"
Tyson, Of course. You okay?
Emma," No. Oh, God. [She puts camera down and the background music stops.] I could be having a! a! What's the mnemonic? Uh! F. F is for face. Is my smile crooked? [She smiles at Tyson. Her lower lip is drooping on the left side.]"
Tyson, What are you doing?
Emma," A. A is for arms. Arms. [She puts her arms in front of her. One tilts up, the other down and she starts leaning backwards.]"
Tyson," You should really sit down. Can somebody get her some water. [His voice has a bit of an echo. As the scene goes on, the echo gets louder.]"
Emma," S. S is speech. I'm slurring. I'm slurring? Huh. Oh! [Tyson puts down guitar and turns back to Emma.] Oh. F-A-S-T. T is time. Hurry, somebody, uh. Call 911. Tell them I'm having a stroke. [She falls flat on her back and lays there. Everyone rushes around her.]"
House, Hi. I'm Dr. House. My boss says you're important. [Slides door closed.]
Emma, Oh.
House," Personally I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty. Arms out in front of you. [She does so while he gets an otoscope out of a drawer on the other side of the room.] With your palms up, like you're holding a pizza. Close your eyes."
Emma," It's so easy, you should consider a career change. PRobably make a lot more money. [With her eyes closed, her right hand starts turning inward.]"
House, Dr. MackMan tell you the clot was clear?
Emma, Yes.
House, And he said you and the fetus are fine.
Emma, Yeah.
House, He didn't mention your pronator drift.
Emma, What's that mean?
House, It means MackMan is an idiot. [He sighs and gestures to the side of the bed.] May I?
Emma, Yeah. [He moves her camera out of the way so he can sit on the bed.]
House, So. You take thousands of photos of someone but only one has to look good. Kind of the opposite of my business. [He is checking her eyes while they talk.]
Emma, It's not about looking good. People are always hiding things. I just keep shooting until I can see what's really inside them. My eyes okay?
House, Eyes are gorgeous. Vessels don't look so hot. Micro-aneurysms predict further strokes.
Emma, This is going to happen again?
House," Unless I can figure out the underlying cause. Puff up your cheeks. [She does and he taps them. They deflate with a slight popping sound.] You should be able to keep the air in. It means there's weakness around the mouth. So, where'd you learn to self-diagnose a stroke?"
Emma," Oh, my uh! baby's biological father is a neurologist. He once told me the FAST mnemonic could save my life one day so ""�"
House," Interesting pet name. Most people go with ""husband""� or ""pookie.""�"
Emma," He's gay. Just a sperm donor. So when you ""�"
House, You turned him for a night? Just straight for one date?
Emma, Okay. He took a magazine and a cup into my bathroom.
House," A Man after my own heart. Different magazine, obviously. [Emma smiles.] I'm rescinding MackMan's discharge order. My lackeys will be in to do some more tests, take some more blood and empty your catheter bag. [She has started taking pictures of him. He glowers slightly.] Not a moment you'll want to cherish. [He holds up catheter bag which contains a dark red liquid. She stares.]"
Foreman, This is! definitely different.
Chase," It looks almost like ""�"
Cameron," He's caring. [House enters, walks to picture and pulls it down.]"
House, Find anything else in the Patient's folder? Like a diagnosis?
Foreman, Urinalysis rEvealed excessive protein and red blood cells. Chem panel showed a creatinine lEvel over 2.5.
House," So first she strokes, now her kidneys are shutting down. Why?"
Chase," Ultrasound showed no tumors or stones, no signs of fetal distress, no urinary tract obstructions."
Cameron, BP is fine. No preeclampsia.
House, Any of you guys Ever been to the Galapagos?
Foreman," Was our Patient there? Dengue fEver, avian pox. Even West Nile."
House, No. I'm looking for a vacation spot.
Chase, That mean we get vacation?
House, How would that differ from your current status?
Cameron, You're going to do what? Relax?
House, Visiting family. My uncle's a giant turtle.
Cameron," What if the kidney failure came first? Kidneys could have caused the stroke, not the other way around."
House, Kidneys don't often get stuck in the brain.
Cameron," I'm saying it threw a clot. Early symptoms of kidney failure are nausea, vomiting, swelling. She could have mistaken it for morning sickness."
House, Heart's way more likely to throw a clot than the kidney.
Cameron, Echo's normal. The history indiCates no sign of cardiac pRoblems.
House," No, but if one were to read the history closely, one would have noticed that she had six cases of strep."
Foreman, In her throat. That's the one about 10 inches above the heart.
House, Let me rephrase. Six cases of untreated strep.
Cameron, She was prescribed antibiotics.
House, No one takes them all. They stop when they start feeling better. All strep is untreated strep. What happens when strep goes untreated?
Chase, It leads to rheumatic fEver.
House," Which leads to, Cameron?"
Cameron, Mitral valve stenosis.
House, Which is a thickening in the valve of the!kidney? No. The kidney doesn't have a mitral valve.
Foreman, We'll go look at the heart. [The fellows start to leave. House calls after them.]
House," It'll be easy to find. It's the big, red pumping thing about ten inches below her throat."
Cameron, That was weird.
Chase, He was the way he always is.
Cameron," Which is weird. [Into microphone] Stay still, Emma."
Emma, Sorry.
Cameron, No pRoblem. [She click microphone off.] He caught us with your hand up my shirt. He's gotta have a reaction to that. You think that's what the vacation is?
Chase, Yes. The pain of losing you is obviously forcing him away. Coronal slice appears normal.
Cameron, There's no way House just lets this slide. He's gotta be planning something.
Chase, Maybe he just doesn't give a crap. Sagittal slice is clean.
Cameron, You think he just stumbled into that closet? He knew we were there. And he wanted us to know that he knew.
Chase," Or, you wanted him to know. Now he does and you're annoyed because he doesn't care. [He double clicks a computer key.] Right there. Transaxial slice. Calcified mitral valve."
Cameron, Barely. That's not big enough to throw a clot.
Chase, Obviously it is because it did. House was right.
Chase, The valve in your heart is narrowed. It caused the clot which led to your stroke and the reduced circulation caused the pRoblems with your kidneys.
Emma, And this'll fix it?
Cameron, The balloon will force the valve back open and you'll be fine. [Cuddy quietly slides open the door.]
Emma, Can I do this without a sedative.
Chase, It's really very mild. There really is no risk to the fetus.
Cuddy, We'll monitor the baby's heart rate separately. We won't allow it to decrease anywhere near dangerous lEvels. {She turns on second monitor which shows a heart rate of 208.]
Emma, Thank you.
Cuddy," You're both going to be fine. Go ahead, Dr. Cameron."
Emma," [As Cameron injects dye into shunt.] Listen to that heartbeat! Sounds so ""�"
Cuddy, Start threading the catheter.
House," I don't want a layover in Frankfurt, Taipei, Singapore or London, Ontario. That's why I asked for a direct flight to Phnom Penh. [To fellows who have entered] How hard is it to not land? [Back to phone] Does it matter what I answer? Well then, fine, I'd be delighted to hold. [Back to fellows] What's new?"
Cameron, Can you tell Cuddy to stop interfering?
House, It's her job. What's new?
Chase, The good news is Emma's heart is fixed. The bad news is it's not her underlying pRoblem. Her kidneys are still failing.
Foreman, You're vacationing in Cambodia? You're going to unwind in the killing fields?
House, Nope. Gonna catch me a fish this big. [He holds his arms very wide.] Mekong giant catfish weighs over 600 pounds.
Foreman, Aren't those catfish critically endangered?
House," That's why it's my last chance to catch one. [He puts phone on speaker and replaces it in cradle. ""All of our operators are currently!""�] If the mitral valve had been fixed, the kidneys should be getting better which leads us to the conclusion that you screwed up the procedure."
Cameron, Or you screwed up the diagnosis. Mitral valve thickening was so insignificant it pRobably wasn't the cause of the kidneys or the stroke. PRobably nEver would have been a pRoblem.
Foreman, She needs dialysis. And we need a new theory.
Chase," There are only a few possibilities. Patient's pregnant. It could be preeclampsia. We eliminated it before because ""�"
House, Check for proteinuria and low platelets. What else?
Cameron," Hypoperfusion. The fetus is basically a parasite, stealing nutrients, minerals, blood."
House, Put her on telemetry.
Foreman," Or the pregnancy's irrelevant. Could be infection, sepsis, HUS/TTP ""�"
Chase," A cholesterol embolism is just as likely. Tiny particles of cholesterol rain down, clog up the small vessels in the kidneys."
House, Get a smear and ultrasound her vessels for plaque.
Cameron," That's it, has to be one of those five."
House, You know what would be Even better? If we could narrow it all the way down to one. [They fellows leave in unison.]
Phone, Thank you for holding. [House grabs receiver.] We are experiencing extremely high call volume. Thank you for your patience. [House hangs up.]
Cameron, [Looking up from microscope and turning to the others.] She's 0 for 5.
House, Either the differential was wrong or she's faking it.
Chase," Kidney failure has to be precipitated by ""�"
Foreman, By one of the five we've already ruled out.
Chase, The body only has so Many ways of screwing with the kidneys. The labs must be wrong.
Foreman, We did the labs. No one else had access.
House, That's not quite true. [He exits.]
Emma, [Through oxygen mask] You put all your Patients through this Many tests or just the important ones?
House, [Bending down and picking up a piece of clothing from the floor] We wanted to explore all the possibilities.
Emma, And?
House, We've eliminated all the possibilities.
Emma, You're telling me I'm dying and you have no idea why?
House, Your body is functioning properly.
Emma, So why are my kidneys failing?
House, The other body isn't. There's something wrong with the fetus. [Emma looks at him and tightens her mouth.]
House," Welcome to the world of maternal mirror syndrome. [As he pulls back to underline it, we see that he has written RORRIM except the Rs are rEversed too.] Mom's body is like an intriCate GerMan metro system. All the trains run on time. When she gets pregnant, it's like a new station opening in Dusseldorf. A bunch of rookies running things, bound to be mistakes. Kids play on the tracks, get electrocuted. Before you know it, trains are backed up all the way to Berlin and you've got a bunch of angry GerMans with nowhere to go. And we all know that ain't good for the Jews."
Chase, Who are the Jews in this metaphor?
House," A few things can happen to a fetus in distress. It can become a miscarriage, stillbirth, very sick baby or, on rare occasion, a time bomb that kills mom while it's dying. The good news is, we fix the fetus, mom gets better. It's the diagnostic equivalent of a two-for-one sale."
Cameron, I've read the outcome of mirror syndrome is almost always unfavorable.
House," Unfavorable. Is that doctor speak for ""dead baby?""� You think she'll be less upset if you phrase it nicely?"
Chase," We can tell her the truth ""� that she'll be fine as soon as we diagnose a person who weighs about one pound. Can't touch it, can't ask where it hurts, can't see it."
House, If only there existed giant maParknes that could look through huMan skin. Mirror syndrome has a limited number of known causes.
Cameron," Tacharrythmia, fetal anemia, placental chorioangioma ""�"
House," All of which are fixable. Which would be un-unfavorable, right?"
Foreman," Could also be trisomy 13, Epstein's anomaly, an aneurysm of Galen's vein ""�"
House," And Dr. Storm Cloud rained all over the differential and killed the beautiful little baby. Heart's easiest to see, easiest to fix, so let's start there. When you did Mom's MRI did you get a look at the fetus' heart?"
Chase, It was in the range but blurry. The fetus was moving all over the place.
House, So we need another scan.
Foreman," Yeah. We'll just ask the fetus to lie very, very still."
House, No need. I'm going to paralyze it.
Cuddy, You want to paralyze Emma Sloan's baby?
House, Let me guess. Cameron.
Cuddy, Cameron and Chase both had their concerns.
House," No, Cameron had concerns. Chase just agreed with her because he didn't want to lose his all-access pass to her love rug."
Cuddy, They're sleeping together?
House," If by ""sleeping together""� you mean having sex in the janitor's closet."
Cuddy, Here?
House," No, the janitor's closet at the local high school. [Pumps his fist] Go, Tigercats. Do you have one of those camera-phones? Because I have a MySpace account."
Cuddy, I will deal with them after I deal with you.
House," Oh, come on. Let's gossip some more. I'm sure she's into bondage. [Cuddy grabs his arm and turns him to look at her.]"
Cuddy," Paralyzing a one-pound baby risks damaging ""�"
House, Not paralyzing the thing risks not getting a clean MRI of its heart. Which we need to save its life which we need to do to save Emma's life.
Cuddy, You're gonna need to get her consent.
House, That shouldn't be too hard. Sign here or you and your baby both die.
Cuddy, I'm going with you.
House," Oh, good."
Emma, You said sedation was risky. This sounds insane.
House, The injection goes into the umbilical cord.
Cuddy, The baby won't feel a thing.
House, Fetus! I'm lowering expectations. It works here and on dates. The benefits outweigh the risks and the paralytic will wear off in an hour. Okay?
Cuddy," It must be easier to hear that you might die than your baby might die. But if there's anyone I would trust to save my baby, it would be Dr. House. [Emma snorts again.]"
House, [whispers] Fetus. Hold this.
Cuddy," Dr. Cameron, the MRI results back?"
Cameron, The fetus' heart is structurally sound. The pRoblem's with the bladder. It's four times normal size.
Cuddy, Let me see. [She reaches for the Patient folder in Cameron's hand.]
Cameron," The bladder's so engorged it's taking up the whole torso, squeezing all the other organs. There's no room for the lungs to dEvelop."
Cuddy, [looking at film] The baby has a lower urinary tract obstruction. We can fix that by inserting a shunt. I'll give Emma the news.
Cameron, Are you! taking over the case?
Cuddy," House won't care. He has his diagnosis. [She starts to leave, then stops] Dr. Cameron. Dating Chase! can only end in one of two ways."
Cameron, House told you?
Cuddy, You get married and live happily Ever after or somebody gets hurt and you two can't work together and I have to fire somebody.
Cameron, I would hate to see my personal life become such a burden to you.
Cuddy, I'm telling you this for your own good.
Cameron, Well I assume you're going to have this same conversation with Chase for his own good.
Cuddy, Chase isn't the one who's gonna get hurt here.
House, There's only room for one. Though I could scooch over.
Cameron, My social life is my social life.
House," Couldn't agree more. What goes on in the privacy of a janitor's closet is nobody's business except ""�"
Cameron, She told me to end it. Is that what you want?
House, I was actually hoping she'd fire one of you.
Cameron, What are you doing?
House, Trying to avoid altitude sickness. Couldn't score a direct flight to Cambodia so I decided to scale Argentina's infamous Mount Aconcagua
Cameron," Perfect, except for the fact that you can't walk."
House," There's a tribe of Macovi Indians who actually carry the elders up ""�"
Cameron, You're insane.
House, I'm an insane genius. Set the chAmber to low pressure instead of high. Thinner air builds up extra red blood cells. Creates new capillaries. Few more days in here and I can save myself six weeks in base camp. Where's my MRI? [Cameron slams down the phone.]
Cuddy," There's a blockage in the urinary tract. Simple terms, your baby can't pee. His bladder is swollen and it's crushing his lungs."
Emma," Well, can you fix it?"
Cuddy," We can insert a small tube in the baby's bladder that makes the bladder come out straight through his belly for the duration of the pregnancy. The bladder decompresses and the lungs will be able to dEvelop normally. When the baby gets better, you should get better."
Emma, Wow.
Cuddy, First we just have to do a test to determine whether the baby's kidneys are functioning properly.
Emma, And what if they're not?
Cuddy," If they're already too damaged, then there's really nothing we can do. If this doesn't work out, you can always try again."
Emma," Wow. I miscarried twice when I was married. After the divorce, I tried in vitro like four times before this. I'm 42. Maybe it's, uh, just not meant to be."
Cuddy, What are you doing?
House," Well, you're trying to be me so I thought I'd try to be you."
Cuddy, You don't have the cleavage for it.
House, But I have a much tighter ass. You think Every day should be naked Thursday or is that an oxymoron? [She reaches over and turns off the computer monitor. He sticks out his hand for the test results.] Let me see the results of the bladder tap.
Cuddy, They aren't back yet.
House, They're gonna to be inconclusive.
Cuddy, You think my diagnosis is wrong?
House," Fetus doesn't pee, amniotic fluid should be low. Mom's lEvel is fine."
Cuddy, Doesn't mean I'm wrong. Could just mean we caught the obstruction early.
House," Either way, your test will be inconclusive. The urine you collected has been sitting in that fetus' bladder for weeks. And, as my pappy always said, ""stale pee is useless pee.""�"
Cuddy," Fine, then I'll do another tap."
House, Just as useless. Old urine drops down from the kidney right after the first tap 'cause it's all backed up. Bladder tap number three will give you the freshest pee and it's when you'll find out if this fetus has Even a fighting chance.
Cuddy, Thank you. I'll run two more taps.
House, Since when does the Dean of Medicine run bladder taps?
Cuddy, She's an important Patient.
House," Because she takes pictures? Or because she's you? Woman in her forties. Single. Using a turkey baster as a last gasp of motherhood. And you want to make sure she succeeds, so you'll still have hope. Can't be a good doctor if you're not objective."
Cuddy, [Pushing the file at him] It's your file.
House, I don't want it.
Cuddy, Then why did you just say all that stuff?
House, To humiliate you.
Cuddy, You're taking the case back.
House, I don't want it. Your diagnosis is right. I wanna go on vacation.
Cuddy, [Shoves the file in his hand] You can go on vacation after you've cured her.
Chase, Good news. Fetus' urine had appropriate lEvels of protein and electrolytes so its kidneys aren't damaged.
Emma, Oh. Wow.
Chase, We're going to put the shunt in. Your baby's lungs should have more room to grow and your symptoms should go away.
Emma, But he'll still need surgery? After he's born?
Chase, That's when we'll remove the blockage in the ureter. You'll be the only mother on the planet who appreciates the value of a wet diaper.
Emma," Hey, could you hand me that? [Points to camera] I'm keeping a visual memory book of this entire, surreal process and this is the best part of the story so far."
Chase, Yeah. Sure.
Emma, Thanks.
Chase, [Sees picture of Cameron on top of a pile] When did you take this?
Emma, Oh. She did the second bladder tap. You should keep it.
Chase," Oh, I see her all day at work. I don't need it."
Emma," Maybe you want to see her after work. I'm right, right? I saw the way you look at her. [Chase picks up picture and smiles, looking at it, as Emma takes pictures of him.]"
Chase, [taking the picture and leaving] Thanks.
Cameron, Shunt is in the right position. The bladder's starting to decompress.
Chase, No infection. Did House say anything else? About us?
Cameron, I thought you didn't care about his reaction. Trying to make him jealous?
Chase, I like my job.
Cameron, He can't fire you just because we're together.
Chase, We're not together. And House can do whatEver he wants.
Emma, [breathing heavily as she wakes up] How's my baby?
Cameron," Doing just fine, Emma. So are you."
Emma, My stomach is killing me. [She rubs her side.]
Chase, That's not her stomach. [He leans over to check her.]
Cameron," Can you open your eyes, Emma? I just need to take a look. [She pulls open Emma's eyelid. Her cornea is yellow.]"
Emma, [She sees Chase and Cameron looking at her.] What is it.
Cameron, Emma's jaundiced. Her liver's shutting down.
House, [big sigh] Figures. Just booked my trip to Johnston Straight.
Cameron," I thought you were climbing Mount ""� whatEver. In Argentina."
House, Apparently I'd have to live with the Macovi Indians for twenty years before they'd consider me an elder. [He tosses his sunglasses on his desk.] I decided to go kayaking with orca instead. No legs required.
Foreman, Can't leave yet. Liver failure puts her case back in the unsolved pile.
Chase," Increased AST, ALT and her bilirubin's off the charts."
House, Even fetuses lie. We diagnosed a lower urinary tract obstruction because we saw one. What if that's not the whole story. What if the little bugger is hiding something? Real reason for the mirror syndrome. Have we looked under its bed? Have we checked its diary?
Foreman, It's not GU. Could be the heart. Hypoplastic left heart syndrome.
Chase, There were no structural pRoblems.
Foreman," The lungs ""�"
Cameron, We won't be able to get a good look until they dEvelop. It'll be weeks
House, She's not going to last weeks.
Foreman, What do you want to do?
House, Maternal Mirror Syndrome has one surefire cure. Deliver the fetus.
Chase, It's not viable at twenty-one weeks. You'll kill the baby.
House, Fetus.
Cameron, Do seMantics make you feel better? Pretend it's not a person?
House, Can it play catch? Can it eat? Can it take pretty pictures? Who wants to tell her? [All three refuse to meet his eyes. He pushes off his desktop and grabs his coat.]
House, The swollen bladder was not the only pRoblem. We can't leave it inside you. We have to terminate.
Emma," Well, can't you deliver him? Put him on a respiratory maParkne until you figure out what's wrong."
House, We can. And it won't matter. The fetus is still at least two weeks away from being viable.
Emma," Oh, well. I'll suffer through this for at least two more weeks, then."
House, You're on dialysis for your kidneys. Your kidneys can wait. They don't make dialysis for your liver. You're not going to make it two more days.
Emma, [thinks about this then shakes her head slightly] I'm not gonna let you kill my baby.
House, It's killing you.
Emma, I'm not having an abortion.
House," It's not a baby. It's a!tumor. [She holds up her hand in a ""stop""� gesture.] I understand dying for a cause, sacrificing your life so your Parkld might live. But that's not the choice here. Either it dies or you both die."
Emma, Or you fix him and we both live.
House, I can't fix it. I'm scheduling a D and C. [He gets up to leave.]
Emma, I won't consent. [He stops and looks at her.] So I guess you have two days to figure it out. [He leaves.]
House, Her kidneys are almost irreparable. She's dEveloped sEvere DIC. You have to force her to terminate.
Cuddy, Did you give corticosteroids to speed the baby's lung dEvelopment?
House, No! I dropped an anvil on its chest to prEvent lung dEvelopment. I'm trying to extinguish the huMan race one fetus at a time.
Cuddy," Give the lungs more time to expand so you can see inside them, see if they're the pRoblem."
House, My real Patient is dying. Very quickly. Like I wouldn't advise her to buy any green bananas. The fetus is nothing more than a parasite at this point. Removing it is an instant cure.
Cuddy," You're not going to get Emma to see it that way. She's pRobably already named the baby. Read him books, had conversations with him."
House," See, you get it. She'll listen to you."
Cuddy, No.
House," You let this Woman refuse to terminate, you're helping her commit suicide. As her doctor, my recommendation is against suicide."
Cuddy," If the baby had a doctor, I think she would recommend exhausting all possibilities before taking its life."
House, Then she'd be an idiot.
Cuddy, Too bad she's your boss.
Cuddy, What if our original assumption is wrong.
House, It isn't.
Cuddy, If we assume she doesn't have mirror syndrome then terminating her pregnancy isn't going to help her liver at all.
Foreman, We eliminated all other possibilities.
Chase, The fetus is hydropic and in distress. Emma's kidneys and liver are failing. The diagnosis is solid.
House," Wow. If the ass kisser won't agree with you, you must be Even wronger than I thought."
Cuddy," Fine. Let's assume she had mirror syndrome but we fixed it when we fixed the baby's bladder. That means that her failing liver would be completely unrelated. If it is, we can fix it. And we don't have to terminate."
House, So her theory is that our Patient's liver pRoblems were just a giant coincidence.
Cuddy," It's not a surprising coincidence. Pregnant women can dEvelop liver pRoblems. If this is the case, we can actually do something here. Don't you guys think that's worth exploring."
Cameron, Acute fatty liver of pregnancy would have the same symptoms.
Cuddy, Thank you.
House, Brown-noser.
Chase, Viral hepatitis. HELLP syndrome.
House, Oh look. Sticking up for your girlfriend. Who says Parkvalry's dead?
Foreman, He's not joking? [Cameron gives him an exasperated sigh.]
House, Be Patient. She's going through all of us. She'll get that jungle fEver Eventually. [Cameron glares at House.]
Cameron, I'm not going through anyone.
House, You love him? [Chase and Cameron each give him a look.]
Cuddy," This can pRobably wait until after we biopsy Emma's liver, right?"
Foreman," We can't. Her platelets are too low. Once we pierce her liver, it will be next to impossible to stop the bleeding."
Cuddy," Come in from above. Instead of going straight in through her abdomen, go in through the veins in her neck. Transjugular hepatic biopsy. If the liver starts to bleed, it will bleed right back into her own veins. [The fellows leave. House flies his airplane. It hits Cuddy who looks at him. He looks away, innocent.] Why don't you start your vacation now?"
Chase, Threading the guidewire through the right internal jugular vein.
Foreman," So, the sleep lab. You and Cameron not sleeping. How serious is it?"
Chase, It's nothing. She's only doing it to make House jealous.
Foreman, Then why are you doing it?
Chase, Are you kidding?
Foreman, You're approaParkng the inferior vena cava. Slow down. Better not hurt her.
Chase, She already has a big brother.
Foreman, She does?
Chase, You obviously care very deeply about her.
Foreman," I'm not protecting her. I'm protecting myself. A heartbroken, lovesick Cameron would be Even more unbearable than she is now. You're through the hepatic vein."
Chase, Firing the needle. [One of the maParknes starts beeping quickly.]
Foreman, Heart rate and BP spiking. Get that out of her.
Chase, Fetus' heart rate just dropped to 50. [CGI of fetus.] We've got contractions.
Foreman, Pre-term labor. Start a terbutaline drip.
Chase," We were able to control the pre-term labor with tocolytics. The contractions have subsided, for now."
Cameron, And the biopsy was negative. This is definitely mirror syndrome. Her baby's doing this to her.
Foreman, We're out of options.
Cuddy, Did the biopsy cause the pre-term labor or did it happen on its own?
Chase, It doesn't make a difference.
Cuddy, Pre-term labor can be a new symptom. New information gives us new theories. Isn't that how it works?
Foreman," Not in this case. Her body's trying to do what you refuse to ""� get the baby out and save itself."
Cameron, The Patient's transaminases are ten times normal. Her liver's on the verge of shutting down completely.
Cuddy," A torch test could ""�"
Foreman, We don't have time for more tests. We have to terminate or she'll die.
Cuddy, Then let's work faster.
Cameron, Medicine doesn't work faster just because you hope real hard.
Cuddy, But it could help to see what the baby's been hiding. The only organ we haven't been able to look inside is its lungs. The pRoblem must be in there.
Chase," We haven't been able to see inside because they're underdEveloped. We've already got her on corticosteroids but it'll take weeks for them ""�"
Cuddy, Then let's drown them in corticosteroids. Multiple courses. Speed up their dEvelopment.
Foreman, Giving the baby more than one course will suppress adrenal gland function.
Chase, Have long-term adverse effects on fetal organ dEvelopment.
Cuddy, Worse than death?
Cameron, Emma's already on tocolytics. The combination could put her into pulmonary edema. You'll just kill her faster.
Cuddy, It's the only chance we have to see inside those lungs. We're just going to have to make the baby better faster than we make Emma worse. [They look at her.] Come on. This is the kind of thing House does Every day.
Foreman, House thought we should terminate six hours ago.
Cuddy," I'll do it myself. [She leaves, pulling her hair into a ponytail with the scrunchy.]"
Cameron, Anybody going to stop her?
Chase, Stopping the madness is her job.
Foreman, Somebody's got to be Cuddy's Cuddy.
Cuddy, Nurse! [Wilson enters.]
Wilson, Pulmonary edema?
Cuddy, Who tattled? Doesn't matter.
Wilson, There's a reason we don't give multiple courses of corticosteroids.
Cuddy," Gee, thanks."
Wilson, It's time to terminate.
Cuddy, That's not what she wants.
Wilson," Look at her. She didn't want to be an incubator for a dead baby, but that's what you've done."
Cuddy, Either get me a laryngoscope or get out. [Wilson leaves. Cuddy and two nurses continue working on Emma.]
Cuddy, You were right. You were all right. Now the mom's lungs are shutting down. [She sits.] She's dying faster than the baby's lungs are dEveloping. I had to stop the corticosteroids.
Wilson, Have you spoken to the family?
Cuddy, The only family she's got is that baby.
Wilson," Well, he's biased."
Cuddy, What do you think House would do?
Wilson, House wants to terminate.
Cuddy, I know. I mean if he didn't. If he shared my position. What do you think he would do?
Wilson, He wouldn't share your pain. He'd be objective.
Cuddy, Right. He would prioritize his pRoblems. [She stands and heads toward door.]
Wilson, He'd terminate.
Cuddy, He wouldn't be afraid of screwing with her lungs if there was a bigger issue.
Wilson, There is no bigger issue. She needs her lungs.
Cuddy, Not right now. She's already on a respirator. The maParkne is breathing for her. I can do whatEver I want to her lungs. If you're playing catch in the living room and you break your mother's vase you might as well keep playing catch. The vase is already broken.
Wilson," Yeah, except that room can't breathe without that vase."
Cuddy," [leaving] I'm putting her back on corticosteroids. [She leaves, slamming door. Wilson sighs.]"
Cuddy, It worked.
House, What worked?
Cuddy," I got the baby's lungs to expand. We should be able to figure out ""�"
House, Cab's on its way. I have to finish packing. [He starts to close the door. She pushes it open.]
Cuddy, I have a whole new appreciation for what you do. How hard it is to beliEve when Everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong.
House, Helps to know they're idiots.
Cuddy, Do you think I'm an idiot? [She pulls out an x-ray.]
House, You're not objective. But you're not an idiot. [He takes the film and holds it to the light.] His lungs are still two weeks away from being viable.
Cuddy, But big enough for a diagnosis.
House, These tissue buds are new. Could indiCate bronchopulmonary sequestration or diaphragmatic Eventration.
Cuddy, I was thinking bronchogenetic cysts or bronParkal atresia.
House, Could be lung lesions. CCAM.
Cuddy," What about ""� [House has slammed the door in her face. She stands there for a few seconds, apparently in shock when the door reopens. House has put his jacket on.]"
House, Move. [He motions for Cuddy to back up so he can lock the door.]
Cameron, I thought you started your vacation.
House, Somebody had to save our boss' rotundous ass. Latest MRI of the Sloan fetus.
Foreman," Small buds in the lungs could indiCate ""�"
House," Thanks. Got that multiple choice all worked out. The question is, how do we pick between A, B, C, D and ""none of the above.""�"
Cuddy," Portable MRI's in her room. We could get a current image ""�"
Chase, Fetal lungs are so tiny an MRI won't give us the details we need.
House, What would we do if this Patient were not just a tadpole. Say it was an actual person.
Cuddy, He! is a person.
House," Thanks for playing along. Pretend that it's a one-pound adult. Forget the mom, forget the womb, the placenta. How would we get a better look at what's in the lungs?"
Cameron, Transesophageal echo.
Chase, Can't access his esophagus.
Foreman," Higher resolution CT could give us a clearer ""�"
Chase, Too much radiation for a one-pound person.
House," [Makes whining ""eheheheh""� sound.] You can't just shoot Everything down, Chase. You're not me. Collaborate."
Chase, A ventilation perfusion scan would be next. [Foreman looks like he's about to shoot that one down.]
House, How do we get a fetus to breathe in a radioactive isotope? Idiot.
Chase," If it were really a person and we had no other options, we'd do an exploratory surgery. Cut into his chest and have a look around."
House," Let's do that. [He starts to leave, stopping next to Cuddy.] You're the one who insists we treat it like a person. I'll put it back when I'm done. [He leaves.]"
House, Me again. Your friendly neighborhood belly-squirter. [He hangs his cane from the IV pole and opens Emma's gown over her belly and sits in bedside chair.] We're going to do open fetal surgery. Open the uterus cut out the fetus so we can look around. I know you can't talk so I need you to look petrified if you consent.
Cuddy, The umbilical cord won't be cut. During surgery your body will basically serve as the baby's heart-lung maParkne. We find what's wrong and we fix it. If we can.
House, [out of corner of his mouth but at regular volume] Don't lower expectations if you want them to do something.
Cuddy, She should know what she's facing. [House is doing ultrasound of baby.] This is incredibly dangerous. It risks both your lives. The only reason why we're suggesting it is because there's nothing else we can do.
House, You all here for the fetal surgery? Because we are way over capacity.
House, Mind each other's personal space. There are sharp implements in the room. Like this one. [He holds up scalpel and starts to incise Emma's belly.] Uterus is fully exposed.
Surgeon, And we're in. Start draining the amniotic fluid.
House, Have you nEver sucked beer out of the bottom of a keg? Where'd you go to college? Gimme that.
Cuddy, Affix the pulse ox to the palm. [He continues to look at the hand and stroke it with his thumb.] House.
House," Sorry. I just realized I forgot to TiVo ""Alien.""� [He attaches paper, presumably the pulse ox, to the baby's hand.]"
Cuddy," Fetal heart rate good, stats are stable."
House, Position him for the incision.
Surgeon," All right, I see three well-defined lesions. It's definitely CCAM. I should be able to resect them. [Monitor starts beeping.]"
House, It's the mom. She's in V-fib.
Cuddy, [grabbing paddles] Charging. Clear.
Surgeon, I'm clear. [Cuddy shocks Emma. Everyone looks at monitor.]
House, Looks like asystole. Paddling's not going to do anything.
Cuddy, It's fine V-fib. I'm going again. [Monitor still flat.]
House," We're going to lose them both. Clamp! The surgery's not doing this to her, the fetus is. [He starts to clamp the umbilical cord.]"
Cuddy," Step away, House. I'm going again."
House, The only way to save her is to cut away the anchor holding her down. [He starts to cut the cord.]
Cuddy," You keep going, you're going to get electrocuted. [He jumps back just as Cuddy shocks Emma again.] Going again. Clear. [And again. The monitor starts beeping normally.]"
Surgeon, Heart rate's returning to normal.
Cuddy, Continue with the lobectomy. [Cuddy and House look at each other.]
Emma," So my kidney, liver and lungs are all fine, just like that?"
House, Just like that.
Emma, That's amazing.
House, What's amazing is how blond your baby's hair is.
Emma, [laughing] My baby?
House," You know, the thing in your belly that tried to kill you."
Emma, You've nEver called him a baby before.
House, [stares at her] Any pain?
Emma, Nothing I can't deal with.
House," You can only get out of bed to pee, poo or shower. And absolutely no sex. So stop flirting with me. [He takes a Vicodin.]"
Emma, Sorry. So this really worked. He'll be! normal?
House," Um. If you call being born twice, normal. [He gets up to leave.]"
Emma," Hey, thank you."
House, Don't thank me. I would have killed the kid.
Chase, Wanna grab a bite?
Cameron, In a minute. Emma asked me to bring up her camera.
Chase, I'll walk with you. [She sees the picture Emma took of Chase looking at Cameron's picture.]
Cameron, When'd she take this picture of you? You look so!
Chase, I'm smiling. I have a nice smile.
Cameron, No. I've nEver seen you like this. She got you to! glow. What were you doing? What'd she say to you?
Chase, I always glow. [He takes the bag as they walk down the hall.]
Cuddy, House. Need you to take a look at something.
House, I'm off the clock.
Cuddy, Just open it. [Hands him envelope.]
House, [pulls something out] First class ticket to Vancouver Island.
Cuddy, Shoot. It's the wrong envelope. [She giggles.] I think it's great.
House, Yeah. Who doesn't like Canadians?
Cuddy," It's big. You're ""� you're trying to have a life. You're trying to enjoy yourself."
House, You didn't need to apologize.
Cuddy," I'm not. I told you why I'm ""�"
House, You screwed up.
Cuddy, I saved a life. I saved two lives.
House," You let your maternal instinct get the best of you and nearly killed two people. In a case like this you terminate and mom lives 10 times out of ten. You do what you did, mom and baby both die 9.9 times out of 10."
Cuddy, Sometimes point 1 is bigger than 9.9.
House," No. It's smaller. Exactly 9.8 smaller. Always is, always will be."
Cuddy," Well, not for Emma. And not for her son. Now go away. And be happy."
RobIN, Fran? I'm Robin.
FRAN, [eagerly] Please come in.
RobIN," [looking around] Cute home. Two bedroom, one bath?"
FRAN, [brightly] Yeah.
RobIN, [pointing] Guy I know collects those. Says they're worth a fortune on the Internet.
FRAN, [whatEver] Yeah.
RobIN," [sweetly] You've nEver used our agency before, have you?"
FRAN, Is it that obvious?
RobIN," [handing Fran a brochure] As you can see, we offer a full range of services."
FRAN, [looking at the brochure] Round the world?
RobIN," Our deluxe package. Offers all the services of A, B and C."
FRAN, How much?
RobIN, Thousand dollars. And satisfaction's guaranteed. [gently stroking Fran's shoulder] Twice.
FRAN, I'll get the money.
RobIN, [seductively] I'll get ready.
FRAN, Harrington?
FRAN, [going over to Harrington] Harrington. What're you doing up there?
FRAN," All right, now don't take this personal, but you're gonna have to go..."
RobIN, [vo] Fran?
RobIN, Is this okay?
S POV," Her vision is blurred, as she looks up from Robin's well-toned legs to her face.]"
RobIN, [alluring] Fran?
S POV, Robin sees that all is not well.]
RobIN, Fran? Are you all right?
RobIN, [annoyed] Oh God.
RobIN, Fran?
RobIN," [into phone] Yeah, I-I need an ambulance at 500 North Sycamore."
RobIN, [into phone] I don't know. My... friend collapsed.
Wilson, And what were you doing when you fainted?
FRAN, [unsure of what to say] We were just...
RobIN, ... looking for her cat.
Wilson, Have you banged your head recently?
FRAN, No.
Wilson, Is this a motion-sickness patch?
FRAN, [sheepish] I must have forgotten to take it off. I just got back from a trip.
Wilson, Oops. Scopolamine can cause dizziness and blurred vision. [starts to write] You pRobably hit your head when you fell and that caused the blackout.
RobIN, I thought those patches were supposed to prEvent you from getting sick.
Wilson, Every drug has a side-effect. But it might be a good idea to keep your eye on her for the next few hours. Make sure she's okay.
RobIN," Oh, uh, actually... I..."
FRAN, She has to get back to work.
RobIN, Is it important?
Wilson, We just don't like people to be alone after they leave here?
FRAN," I'm fine. Really, I'm... I'm..."
RobIN, Fran?
RobIN, Fran!
Wilson, I got a seizure! Code cart!
RobIN, What's wrong with her?
Wilson, I have no idea.
Wilson, Where's House?!
House, Antique vintner's cane. Cost me nine hundred dollars.
Cuddy, It had a corkscrew in it.
House, Ah! That explains the vintner's reference.
Cuddy, It could be used as a weapon against the pilot.
House, [looks back the noisy kid] Only if he's stuck in a bottle of Zinfandel.
Cuddy, You'll get it back when we land.
NOISY GIRL, I want my blankie! I want my blankie! I want my blankie!
House," [has had enough, turns to the mother] Give her twenty milligrams of antihistamine. Could save her life. 'Cause he she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her."
Cuddy, [deadpan] Delivering goodwill to yet another continent.
House," You only forced me to deliver a speech, not goodwill."
Cuddy, [arguing] You gave a three-minute speech. You know how much WHO accreditation means to the hospital.
House," Huh, may have been short, but it had girth!"
Cuddy, [painful to think about it] And the room service thing was just spiteful.
House, I was hungry.
Cuddy, Three hundred dollars for a bottle of wine.
House, I was thirsty.
Cuddy, A hundred and twenty dollars on video services.
House, I was lonely.
Cuddy, That's five hundred in expenses I can't justify.
House," [standing] Don't worry, I'll take care of it."
Cuddy, [skeptically] Right.
KEO, Welcome aboard. [takes House's boarding pass] Mr. House. You're right here in 2A.
KEO, Ms. Cuddy. You're in the next cabin and to the left. 9C.
Cuddy," [surprised] No, I booked two first-class tickets. This must be a mistake."
House, [sitting comfortably in his seat] No mistake. Just arranged for a five hundred dollar fare reduction. Expense pRoblem solved.
Wilson, Where did you travel?
FRAN, Duluth. To visit my sister.
Wilson, [skeptically] Really? Is this her artwork?
RobIN," [translating] ""Fire... butt""?"
FRAN, [awkwardly] I was a little drunk.
Wilson, Where were you a little drunk?
FRAN," I turned fifty-eight last March. Same age my mother was when she died. Next week I packed a bag and went to JFK. Looked at the big board, took the first plane that went to a warm place."
FRAN, [quietly] Caracas.
RobIN, Oh my God.
Wilson, Did you drink the water? Eat salads? Any raw foods?
FRAN, [embarrassed] Yep.
Wilson, [shaking his head] And...?
FRAN," [closes her eyes in shame] I also did Mescal shooters and, uh, snorted cocaine from a homosexual Man's stomach."
Wilson, [oh brother] Did you have sex? [looks like he'll be surprised if she says no.]
FRAN, No. [beat] Not with him. [smiling] I had sex with El Gordo. He was a large Man.
RobIN, [muttering scandalously] Oh my God.
FRAN," [starts to choke up] I nEver do things like that. I should have gone to visit my sister. It was stupid. It's why I'm sick, isn't it?"
Wilson, [unsure] Uhhh... it's... possible.
PENG," Uhhh, foof..."
KEO," [cheerfully] Here you are. Rib-eye, medium rare. [places the plate on his tray.]"
House, Thank you.
KEO, Some more Pinot Grigio?
House," [pulling out a menu] Uh, no. Think I will switch to the... Syrah!"
KEO," Sir, are you all right?"
House, He's drunk.
KEO, [in Tagalog] Nilalagnat ka ba? [Are you sick?]
PENG," [Korean, strangled] [I'm Korean]"
KEO, [urgently] Does anyone speak Korean?
KEO, Is anyone a doctor?
House, Yes!
House, I'll go get her.
Cuddy, [wearily] What do you want?
House, Did you really think I was gonna leave you stuck back here for eighteen hours?
House," Go on, enjoy. With the Vicodin and the wine, I can sleep anywhere."
Cuddy," [quietly, grateful] Thank you."
Chase, We should put her back on the Scopolamine patch.
Foreman, She can't wear motion-sickness patches for the rest of her life.
Cameron," No, but if it does reliEve her symptoms, it'll narrow down our search."
Foreman, [throwing a tantrum] Ugh! Anything else you two guys won't agree on?
Chase, Have a pRoblem with us agreeing?
Foreman," No, I have a pRoblem with the other thing you guys are doing, which makes me question your motive for agreeing."
Wilson, [sighing] I'll put her back on the patch. What else?
Chase, It's gotta be something neurological. We should do a CT. Look for a brain tumour.
Foreman, It could also be an allergy or something environmental. We should check her home.
Cameron, Bit more likely she got sick in Caracas than in New Jersey.
Foreman," Right. I forgot, there are no toxins in the US."
Wilson," I think I'm starting to feel sorry for House. [to Cameron] Get a tox screen, chem 20, STD panel, blood cultures. [to Foreman] Then you run a CT. [to Chase] And you check her House."
Wilson, Please.
Cuddy, Not funny.
House, Wasn't supposed to be funny-ha-ha.
Cuddy," FEver, headache, sEvere abdominal pain, and a rash all over his lower back. It's serious. May be contagious."
House, Wow! We just attended a symposium on pandemics and you've run right into one on the flight home. Talk about a small world.
Cuddy," If it's meningococcus, half the passengers on this plane could get infected and die before we reach New York."
JOY, [loudly] Is someone sick?
House," [reassuring with a ""mind-your-own-business"" tone] No!"
House, Someone has a hangover. [to Cuddy] He had a snoot-load of Bloody Marys before dinner.
Cuddy, [turning to Joy] Watch the movie.
Cuddy, [whispering Even lower] That booze did not give him the rash. It is textbook meningococcus.
House," It is also textbook allergic reaction to... pollen... peanuts, semen-stained polyester blanket he's lying on."
KEO, Mr. Peng's throwing up again.
Cuddy, [to House] We have to turn around.
JOY, [whips backwards again] What? Why do we have to turn a...?
House," [cutting her off, stern] We don't! You misunderstood. Dr. Cuddy just meant that... he might feel less nauseous if he was facing a different direction. She didn't mean to panic a planeload of people."
Cuddy," [defiant] We're about to head over the North Pole. We don't turn back now, the next ER's fifteen hours away."
House, He'll be fine. [to Keo] I'm a doctor too.
KEO, You haven't examined him.
House," Korean male, mid-thirties, 5' 9"", one-sixty, bald, scar on the right side of his jaw, medic alert bracelet on his left wrist indicating that he is allergic to, at least, penicillin."
Cuddy," Without any way to do an LP to rule out meningococcus, our only choice is to assume the worst."
House," Good point. [to Keo] On the other hand, I am a Board-certified specialist in infectious disease. She assigns Parking spaces."
KEO, [to Cuddy] Please let me know if he gets any worse.
Chase, Think we should feed the cat?
Cameron," Bowl's full. He wants it, he can get it. [focusing on med bottle] Cadmium Yellow? Heavy metal poisoning would explain the ataxia and the seizures."
Chase, Not unless she was painting with her tongue.
Cameron," [tossing the bottle aside, entering the bedroom] Is Foreman right? Did you agree with me because of our relationship?"
Chase, Relationship?
Cameron, You know what I mean.
Chase," You mean, because of our _lack_ of a relationship."
Cameron," I mean, because we're having sex."
Chase," [joking] Yes, Foreman's right. I thought you were completely wrong about the medicine, but agreed with you anyway because I figured that then you'd do me in some old lady's home."
Cameron," [playfully] Then, well played."
Chase," C'mon, we're supposed to be looking for toxins or something."
Cameron, [really playful] We agreed it was a brain tumour.
Cameron, What?
Chase, [whispering] He's watParkng.
Cameron, Haven't you had anybody watch before?
JOY, Is that guy really sick?
House, No. He's all better.
JOY, I don't beliEve you.
House, [pointing towards the aisle] Look that way.
JOY, [slowly] Why?
House, 'Cause you're gonna throw up and I don't want it on me.
KEO, [sighing in exasperation] I'll get some towels. [leaves down the aisle]
House," Give her a banana. Monkey see, monkey barf. You smell vomit..."
House," Okay, wasn't expecting that."
House, I need help!
Cuddy, [mad] Who doesn't?
House, Need someone to talk to.
House," [to the kid] Can you say, [bad Australian accent] ""Croikey, myte""?"
AIR Chase," [American accent] Crikey, mate."
House," Perfect. Now, no matter what I say, you'll agree with me, okay?"
AIR Chase, [unsure] O-kay.
House, Nicely done.
House, You... disagree with Everything I say.
AIR Foreman, Sorry. Not understanding.
House, [shrugging] That's close enough.
House, And you... get morally outraged with Everything I say.
AIR Cameron," [peevish] That's perManent marker, you know."
House," Wow, you guys are good. [back to work, writing] We are looking for the simplest way to explain these symptoms."
House, [guessing] Organophosphate poisoning. Some international flights spray pesticides.
AIR Chase, [deer in the headlights] Uhh... could be.
AIR Foreman," Sorry, English not so nice."
AIR Cameron, Is this a joke?
Cuddy, Just passed the half-way mark. Can't turn around. Nice call.
House, No worries. _We_ think it's pesticide poisoning.
KEO, We don't spray these flights.
House, Dramamine overdose.
Cuddy, Wouldn't explain the fEver.
House, Jet lag.
Cuddy, Wouldn't explain the abdominal pain.
House, Deep vein thrombosis.
Cuddy, Wouldn't explain the nausea.
House, Food poisoning. What was on the menu?
KEO, Steak and sea bass in first class. Fettuccine and sea-food kebabs in economy.
Cuddy, [to House] Since when does food-poisoning cause rash?
House," [ignoring her] Sea bass, seafood kebabs?"
House, He had the sea bass. Please tell me she had the kebabs.
KEO, [nodding] I think so.
House," Ciguatera poisoning. It's an instant onset toxin. [looking at the Air Whiteboard] Symptoms include ""E"", all of the above. 'S only found in certain kinds of tropical gamefish, such as...? [motions to Air Chase to finish]"
AIR Chase, Sea bass?
House, [to Cuddy] Make sure you get a rèsum� from him.
House," [over PA system, deep, polite-sounding voice] Helloo?"
KEO, [protesting] Excuse me...
House," [over PA system] Ladies and gentlemen, I have a brief announcement concerning your meals. IF you ate the sea bass or the seafood kebabs, you have ingested a dangerous toxin."
House," [over PA system] HowEver, if you proceed to the restrooms both on your left or right or rear of the plane and vomit as soon as possible, the toxic effect should be minimal."
House," [can't resist, over PA system] Thank you and have a pleasant flight."
Cuddy, [sighing] Meningococcus makes just as much sense.
House, [nods] I know.
Wilson, What'd you find?
Cameron, Nothing in her House. Big waste of time.
Chase, [under his breath] Medically.
Foreman," CT was a complete waste. She was negative for tumours, her blood was negative for drugs, heavy metals, tropical diseases, food poisoning and STDs."
Chase," Also no sign of lead poisoning or sepsis. Apparently, Venezuelan tattoo parlours have standards after all."
Cameron, Good to know.
Foreman, [sighs] We sure she's Even sick?
Wilson, Two more seizures in the last two hours.
Cameron, Which is slower than she was having before we put the patch back on.
Wilson," I'm an idiot. She's exposed herself to so much crap, I just assumed it was a... zebra. It's breast cancer."
Cameron, Since when is breast cancer treatable by motion sickness meds?
Wilson, It's not. But the inflammation caused by the paraneoplastic syndrome caused by the cancer can be reduced by anticholinergics.
Cuddy," Hey, here you go."
JOY, Is he gonna die?
Cuddy, [reassuring] We're doing all we can. Don't know what's wrong with him yet.
JOY, [scared] Am I gonna die?
Cuddy, No.
Cuddy," Here, chew on these."
House," Good news is, all the pilots are red-meat men. Although I was kind of looking forward to landing this puppy myself."
Cuddy, Peng's getting worse.
House, [removing his headphones] Ow. That makes sense. First class ate before coach. He digested more of his food before he threw up.
Cuddy," [leaning in] Or you're wrong and we're gonna start seeing neurological symptoms soon. Seizures, paralysis, ataxia."
House," [looks behind at Peng, then back to Cuddy] We're not gonna see ataxia."
Cuddy, [peEved] You're so sure you're right.
House," No, it's just hard to show clumsiness when you're lying moaning in the fetal position."
House," [to Peng, loudly] Hey! S... [removes the noseplugs] Stand up!"
House, Nobody speak Korean on this flight?
Cuddy, I assumed you did.
House," I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I don't think that's gonna help. [Even louder, to Peng] Hey! Stand up! [mimicking standing up] Stand... up!"
House, Don't play the cripple card with me.
PENG," [Korean, fatigued] [My legs!]"
RobIN," Oh, hi. I'm leaving. [beat] Work."
Wilson," Oh, okay."
RobIN, Important client.
Wilson, Sure.
Wilson," Um, listen..."
Wilson, Are you close?
RobIN, [hesitant] Why?
Wilson, [looks over his shoulder into Fran's room] She needs a mammogram.
RobIN," [muttering] Oh, God."
Wilson, I know I'm throwing a lot at you. She just has no family in town. And I really think she could use a friend right now.
Cameron," [pointing] Okay, put your hand here."
FRAN, You don't have to stay.
RobIN," No, it's... no pRoblem."
FRAN, But why? You don't Even know me.
RobIN, You gotta be scared.
FRAN," [nods, choking up] I almost hope it's breast cancer."
RobIN, [shaking her head] No.
FRAN, Then it wouldn't be my fault.
RobIN," [supportively] WhatEver it is, it's not your fault."
FRAN, That's not true. You can control things. Not Everything. But you don't have to take stupid risks. I was being an idiot.
RobIN, You were having fun.
FRAN, You have regrets?
RobIN, Yeah.
Cameron," [over radio, from adjoining room] Robin."
Cameron, [over radio] Hold still.
Cameron," [over radio, smiling] Good."
Cameron," [adjusting the maParkne] Okay, we're gonna get just one more."
Cameron," Sorry, I know it hurts."
FRAN," It's not that. It's my eye. My right eye, I... I can't see."
House, It's definitely ataxia. It's definitely a rash.
Cuddy, You wanna look at it for five more minutes before concluding it's also definitely a leg.
House, Thin leg. It's been in a cast.
Cuddy, So?
House, So it could be radiation poisoning.
Cuddy, From a broken leg?
House, From the X-rays they took of it.
Cuddy, He could break Every bone in his body and still not have enough x-rays to cause radiation sickness.
House," Unless those X-rays were performed in ""Wankoff"", North Korea by a third-grade dropout with a 50-year-old imager. [pointing to Peng's bald head] Which accounts for the absence of fur. Radiation poisoning accounts for all the symptoms."
JOY, [butting in] I have hair. I haven't had an X-ray since I got my teeth whitened.
House, [has enough of her] You're pregnant.
JOY, [wtf] I'm what?
House," Explains the nausea, abdominal pains, fEver. And why you're stuffing your 36Cs into a 34B bra."
Cuddy, And her rash?
House, PUPPPs. Common pregnancy rash.
JOY, [indignant] I can't be pregnant.
House, You a virgin?
JOY," No, but--"
House, You're pregnant. Mazel tov. [to Cuddy] Let's get him into the chair.
Cuddy, [skeptically] Two different diagnoses. I thought you didn't beliEve in coincidences.
House, I beliEve in statistics. Two hundred passengers on the plane.
House," Ten should be gay, two should be with Parkld, and one should be incredibly annoying with an extra ass chromosome."
Cuddy, [really uncomfortable] House.
House, [to Keo] Get him some iodized salt to protect his thyroid. I'm going back...
Cuddy, House!
Cuddy, [really looking run down] You're wrong.
Cuddy, [complaining hoarsely] I said we should've turned back. You should have listened to me. Now we're eight miles over the Arctic...
House," [looks up] I'm trying to listen to you now, so shut up. [listens into her chest again] Heart's fine. [can't resist mentioning] Breasts are firm."
KEO, Is it contagious? A lot of the passengers are scared.
House, Tell them there's nothing to worry about.
KEO, Is there something to worry about?
House, Yeah.
House, Tell them there's nothing to worry about. Gimme a flash light.
Cameron, Cover your left eye with this.
s POV, House shines a flashlight into her face. She waves it away irritably.]
Cuddy, Mm... photophobia! Symptom of meningitis! We need antibiotics.
House, I'll call down to the pharmacy.
Cuddy, [softly] You're creeping me out.
House, Then get me a lab. [now smelling her stomach] Pseudomonas smell yeasty. Staph smells musty. Some liver diseases smell of ammonia.
Cuddy," House, I'm not in heat."
House," [results of the smell-test] Citrusy on the nose, with a blush of toasted coconut."
House, Need to get a better look at your rash.
Cuddy, Use your imagination.
House," Fine, shall I go with ""Lifeguard Cuddy"" or ""Mother Superior Cuddy""?"
KEO, Three more passengers are sick.
Cuddy," If we don't get drugs, we're gonna have a lot of dead passengers."
Wilson, Blindness in her right eye indiCates it's not breast cancer. It's likely neurological...
RobIN, [interrupting] I just met her today.
Wilson," Huh... [takes a seat, then] You should go."
RobIN, She needs someone here.
Wilson, That's not your job.
RobIN, Please let me know that she's okay.
Cameron, It's just sex.
Foreman," There's no such thing. [over radio, to Fran] Other eye."
Cameron, Are you saying women can't separate the physical from the emotional?
Foreman, No one does it well. Women do it worse.
Cameron," [playfully] You just want us to stop, because you think it's affecting..."
Foreman, Me. Yeah.
Cameron, Polyspikes over oh-one and oh-two.
Foreman, That's her left eye. Burst suppression on Every lead.
Cameron, Fran?
Cameron, She's comatose.
House, Nothing...
House," Nothing... [addressing Everybody] C'mon, nobody has no meds."
CLUELESS WIFE, Excuse me.
House, Open your mouth.
House, [standing upright] Where is the acyclovir?
CLUELESS WIFE, I'm not on any meds.
House," Well, you'd better get some. You've got herpes."
House, What do you know? He's got some. This must be your lucky day.
House, [loudly] This is for real! People are sick! Some of us will be deplaning in body bags unless you cough up.
House, [as the pillowcase starts to fill up] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. God bless you.
Foreman, Her brain is shutting down because of intercranial pressure.
Cameron, Or her nerves are dying.
Foreman, Because of the increased pressure. She has a bleed in her brain.
Chase, You said the CT showed...
Foreman," [finishing] ... no tumors. But if she has an AVM leading to a cerebral haemorrhage, we coulda missed it. She needs a burr hole to reliEve..."
Cameron, You wanna drill in her brain because of an invisible bleed the CT couldn't see? We should do an LP to confirm the presence of red blood cells.
Foreman, And her brain herniates and then she dies.
Cameron," Right, better to kill her in the OR. Chase, what do you think?"
Foreman, [whispers to Wilson] Here's a cliffhanger.
Chase, I think it'd help to know what she has before we start digging into her brain.
Wilson, Might be better to play it safe to start. Do an LP.
Foreman," [under his breath, disgruntled] Sex better be damn good."
House," Lotta apples, not Many candy bars."
Cuddy, [wearily] Any antibiotics?
House, Three caps of augmentin.
Cuddy, There're six Patients. Give 'em to Peng.
House, He's allergic to penicillin.
Cuddy, The first aid kit has two epi pens.
House," If he has a sEvere reaction, ten epi pens won't save him. [holds out the pills] You take the pills."
Cuddy, He's worse.
House, He's a guy who doesn't speak English.
Cuddy, [weak but firm] Give him the meds.
House," [arguing] If it's not meningitis, we're risking his life and flushing meds down the toilet."
Cuddy," Then do an LP on him. If it's clear, you win. If it's cloudy, he gets the augmentin and we risk a reaction."
House," [nods] Sounds like a plan. Oh, except for the part where we don't have an LP needle. Oh, and the shaking of the plane means I'll pRobably pierce his spinal cord and cripple him for life, but, [shrugs] I mean, it totally sounds like a plan."
Cuddy, [deadpan] You're right. Let him die. Give me the meds.
Chase, Got it.
Cameron, Damn.
Cuddy, What is it?
House, Shut up. Don't get hysterical.
Cuddy, [too late] Just tell me what the hell it is! House!
Cuddy, [accusingly] We should have turned back. We should have turned back!
Cuddy, [frantic] House!
House, [to Air Cameron] Hold this.
House," [over PA system, somberly] Ladies and gentlemen, we have a passenger with a confirmed case of bacterial meningitis."
House," [over PA system] And Even if we land as soon as possible, the passenger will not survive. It's very likely that some of you have been infected as well."
House," [over PA system] As soon as you start feeling symptoms, we need to isolate you in the first class cabin."
House," [over PA system, rattling off the symptoms] FEver, rash,..."
House," [over PA system, continuing]... nausea, and in the late stages..."
House, [over PA system]... tremor in the left hand.
JOY," [watParkng her own trembling left hand] Oh, god."
KEO," [worried, to House] What do we do?"
House, Break out the bubbly. [yells] Yo! Listen up!
House," [over PA system] Bad news is you have an illness. The good news is, it's not meningitis."
House, [over PA system] It's not fatal. It's just embarrassing. It's conversion disorder. More commonly known as mass hysteria.
House," It happens often in high anxiety situations, especially to women."
House," I know it sounds sexist, but science says you're weak and soft, [chuckling] what can I do?"
Cuddy," House, you're wrong!"
JOY," [holding out her trembling left hand, hysterically] Look at my hand."
House," Yeah, look at her hand. Shaking left hand. What is that a symptom of? Not meningitis. It's basically a symptom of nothing. Put the idea into their heads and watched it happen. Same thing that Peng cruelly did with the puking and the rash."
JOY, The rash is in my head?
House," Your mind controls your body. It thinks you're sick, it makes you sick."
House," [over PA system] If-if you'll all just calm down, your symptoms will soon go away. And to facilitate this process, your flight crew will move through the cabin with a complimentary bar service."
House," [over PA system] Thank you and, as always, have a pleasant flight."
House, Still feel like puking?
Cuddy, No.
Cuddy, How did you know?
House, LP was negative. I came up with an alternate theory and I tested it. Couldn't have done it without you. Rage is a symptom of mass hysteria. Just one more thing to clean up. Peng set off the mass hysteria. What set off Peng?
Cuddy, He really is dying.
House, Yeah. And I haven't the faintest idea why.
AIR Chase," What's ""extension pastoring""?"
House, It's when you're molested by a priest's cousin.
Cuddy," [looking at the Air(-headed) Ducklings, aside to House] Do we really need these three?"
House," Worried they'll make you look bad? Could be symptomatic of head trauma, cerebral infarction or intercranial hemorrhage. Thoughts?"
AIR Cameron," [arms folded, curtly] How long till we land?"
House," Too long to wait. His head's as smooth as a baby's bottom. No bumps, so I think we can rule out head trauma. So you gotta choose between what's left. Clog or leak?"
AIR Foreman, [perking up] Errr... you're talking of toilet?
Cuddy," House, is this actually helpful?"
House, Not so far.
Cuddy, What about syphilis?
House," First of all, he apparently speaks a language that no one else speaks. Which makes talking up the ladies a little rough."
Cuddy," We're flying out of Singapore. If he has a credit card and a condom, he can get anything he wants."
AIR Cameron, Eww.
Cuddy, What?
House, Condoms. He has focal limb paralysis.
AIR Chase, His legs got paralyzed by a condom?
House," No, by cocaine. Was inside the condom, is now spreading through his digestive tract."
AIR Cameron, [doesn't like the graphic description] Eww.
Cuddy, You think he's a mule.
House, I think he's a jackass. We're gonna have to operate.
AIR Chase, [enthused] Cool.
Chase, They're gonna kill her.
Cameron, We were wrong. Which means Foreman was right.
Chase," Maybe Foreman's right about us too. Maybe we should just stop all this. I mean, if it's affecting our jobs."
Cameron, [brushing it off] It's not affecting our jobs.
Chase," We had sex in a Patient's bedroom. A bedroom we were examining for toxins. Yeah, our judgment's right on the mark."
Cameron," All right, no more sex at Patient's homes. No more sex with cats watParkng. Anywhere else you wanna cross off the list?"
Chase, The bowl.
Cameron, What?
Chase, [looking down at Fran] Has she eaten since she's been here?
Cameron, She's been sick since she's been here.
Chase, What if it's a symptom?
Cameron, Why would you think...?
Chase, The bowl was full.
House, You're gonna need to hold him down. He's not gonna like this.
Cuddy, D'you really think he's a mule?
House, Fits the symptoms.
AIR Cameron, You sure he's not contagious?
House, [gloving up] Pretty much.
AIR Cameron," Can't be ""pretty much"" sure. Means you're not sure."
House," Oh, aren't you clEver?"
House, [motioning to Air Chase] C'mon.
House," [to Peng] Well, I know you're ""pretty much"" [looks at Air Cameron] unconscious, but as it's been pointed out to me, ""pretty much"" doesn't mean squat."
House," Okay, hold him tight."
House," The faster we do this, the less likely he is to die of shock."
House, Tighter.
AIR Chase, Sorry.
House," Do that again. Ease off, then press down."
House, [to Cuddy] Pressure on his joints reliEves his pain.
Cuddy, Okay...?
House, Wrong again. [looking around] Where's his wallet?
House, Scuba certification card.
Cuddy, Big deal.I have one of these.
House, Yeah. You also have a receipt from Tekong's Scuba Rental dated yesterday?
Cuddy, [to Keo] Tell the captain to drop as low as he can under five thousand feet.
KEO, We're at thirty eight thousand. We can't...
Cuddy, Peng's got the bends.
House," Went diving yesterday. Like an idiot, he surfaced too quickly. Like a bigger idiot, he boarded a flight which is pressurized to 8,000 feet above sea lEvel. Low pressure is killing him. Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out of the window."
House, And get him some oxygen.
Chase," Fifty years ago, it was one estate. The two homes shared an electrical system. Unfortunately, the exterminator didn't know that. So when they fumigated next door, the poison gas flowed through the old pipe and into your House."
Wilson," The scopolamine patch was masking the effects of the poison. You'll have to stay here for a few more days, but after that you should be fine."
Chase, I'm sorry about your cat.
Wilson, And your hair.
FRAN," [contemplative] For twelve years, Harrington nEver left the property. I thought I was being punished for going away, but really... I was being punished for coming home."
Cuddy, Thank you.
House, I saved your life. You owe me.
Cuddy, I wasn't sick.
House, But you didn't know that. You owe me.
Cuddy, I know it now.
House," Your mind convinced your body to get a rash, photophobia and vomit. How d'you know it wouldn't have shut down your cold, cold heart next?"
Cuddy," [smiling, shaking her head] I don't owe you."
House, [complaining] You're mean.
Cuddy, That's how I compensate for being weak... soft.
KEO, Just wanted to say thank you.
House, You're extremely welcome.
KEO, I'm in New York Every Monday.
House, [intrigued] Are you handicap-accessible?
CUE MUSIC," ""Hope for the Hopeless"" by Fine Frenzy."
Wilson," [into phone] Hi, Robin? This is, um, uhh, Dr. Wilson, F-Fran's doctor. James. [beat] It was a toxin. We caught it on time and she's gonna be fine. [beat] Yeah, it is. [beat] Uh, listen, I was just wondering if you were coming back in again to visit."
Cameron, Nice catch.
Chase, Thanks.
Cameron, Think Even House would be impressed.
Chase, I don't know about that.
Cameron, [suggestively] Any idea how you want to celebrate?
Cameron, What?
Chase, I want more.
Cameron," [joking] I thought you were getting a little worn out, but..."
Chase, That's not what I meant.
Cameron, [losing the smile] I know. I was just hoping you'd take the hint and pretend you nEver said that.
Chase, I want this to be more than it is.
Cameron, I thought we were clear.
Chase," In the beginning, but you can't tell me you don'..."
Cameron," [interrupting] Yes, I can. And I don't. It was... fun. That's it."
Cameron, And now it's over.
JANIE, Jasper hold still. [Jasper continues to squirm.] Stop squirming.
DERAN, What did he do now?
JANIE, He got in another fight and I can't get his nose to stop bleeding.
DERAN," You have to apply much more pressure than that. [Deran takes over. Jasper starts coughing.] [To Jasper.] You had to do this today. I got office hours, supposed to have dinner with the Dean, you just can't lash out whenEver you get angry."
JASPER, He said I smelt like a monkey.
DERAN, Well you do. You can't refuse to take a bath and then hit kids who tell you that you smell. [Blood is still pouring from Jaspers nose.] Damn. [Grabs more tissues.]
JANIE, Don't you think we should call 911?
DERAN," No, this isn't his first nosebleed. He'll be fine."
Lucy, Daddy!
DERAN, Hey Lucy-Goosy.
Lucy, I'm playing doctor.
DERAN, So am I. Can you go back and play?
JASPER, Ow.
DERAN, [To Janie.] When was this fight?
JANIE, Over 10 minutes ago.
JASPER, I feel dizzy.
DERAN, [To Janie.] Maybe you should make that call.
JANIE, OK. [Goes to get a phone.]
Lucy," Daddy, look. I can help."
DERAN," No, that's great Honey. Can you just please leave Daddy alone!"
JANIE, They're sending an ambulance.
DERAN," Call them back. He'll be fine. [To Jasper.] How you feeling, Bud? You light headed?"
JASPER, Lucy.
DERAN," Oh, God. [Runs over to Lucy.] Lucy? Are you OK? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy? Lucy, are you OK? Lucy? Lucy?"
House, [Quietly to himself] Oh for God's sakes. [Cuddy walks through the door] Stop! Don't move. The way the soft Evening light catches your eyes. [Cuddy smiles] The gentle caress of the dusk on her hair as you turn around and leave my office without giving me that file.
Cuddy, [Comes in anyway.] Restrictive pericarditis.
House, Boring.
Cuddy, She's in kindergarten.
House," Less boring, or grandma's been held back a few years."
Cuddy, It's calcified and she's hypertensive.
House, Then get her into surgery.
Cuddy, She already is in surgery.
House, Tricky procedure. It's going to take all night. [House takes the file and throws it on his desk.] Sleep tight. [Starts to leave.]
Cuddy," [Picks up the file and follows House.] No congenital defects, no health pRoblems, but her heart is strangling itself."
House," Fascinating, but since the pathology on the pericardium won't be back until after they remove it. [Cuddy gets in front of House and stops him moving by putting the file on his chest. House sighs and takes the file.]"
Cuddy," Get started on her blood, you can test for viral infections, bacteria... [House opens the door to the diagnostics office in Cuddy's face. Throws the file on the table.]"
House," [To the ducklings.] Round up the usual suspects. Amyloidosis, sarcoidosis, hemochromatosis... Heck, go wild, do all the osises. [Ducklings don't look too pleased to be staying late.] [To Cuddy.] All taken care of, sleep tight. [Leaves.]"
Foreman, This thing is already all around her heart. If it gets into the muscle she's dead.
Chase," Best bet's Coxsackie virus, Parvovirus B19, CMV..."
Cameron, Bacterial infection is more likely to turn constrictive. It could be TB.
Chase, Right. Forgot about the part where she did time in Russian gulag. Her hematocrit's elevated.
Cameron, Few extra blood cells means nothing. She's pRobably just dehydrated.
Chase, Yes and I could assume 3 or 4 things to fit my theory too.
Cameron, She's sick. She obviously hasn't been drinking enough...
Foreman, Enough! [Chase and Cameron stop and look at Foreman.] I take it you two aren't sleeping together anymore? We do what House said. We test for Everything.
Chase, Good. [Hands Cameron the file.] Then I can go home. [Starts to leave.]
Cameron, Since when does we not include you?
Chase, Well House is going to call us all idiots anyway. Might as well be a well-rested idiot. [Leaves.]
House, You guys are idiots.
Cameron, Why? Because we stayed up all night doing exactly what you told us to do?
House, No. Because you stayed up all night doing exactly what I told you to do and have nothing to show for it.
Foreman, We eliminated dozens of wrong answers.
House, I asked you what 2 + 2 equals and a day later you tell me not 25.
Chase, The pathology report just got filed. Found granulomas in Lucy's pericardium. [Hands House the report.] Could be a case of fungal infection.
House, Nice work.
Cameron, He went home!
House," Work smart, not hard. [Chase smiles at Cameron.] Find out which fungus, biopsy a lymph node. Take employee of the month with you."
Cameron, I would rather Foreman...
House, I know. [Walks into his office.]
Lucy, I don't want any more shots.
JASPER, [Imitating Lucy while playing his PSP.] I don't want any more shots.
DERAN," Jasper. [To Lucy.] Look at me, Goosy. Squeeze my hand, ok? [Lucy nods.]"
Chase, This will tell us why you are sick so we can make you all better.
DERAN, [To Cameron.] Where would she pick up a fungus?
Cameron," Anywhere moist. Around a pool, locker room, public shower..."
DERAN," She doesn't have any gym or swim classes, she doesn't Even like to play with kids outside."
Cameron," You haven't taken any trips, gone anywhere new?"
DERAN," It's been hard to get away, since their mom..."
JASPER, Our mom's dead.
Cameron, I'm sorry.
DERAN," Last year, brain cancer."
JASPER, You're going to stick that thing in her arm? Cool!
Cameron," The cool part is, your sister won't feel a thing."
JASPER, Nice necklace.
Cameron, Thanks.
JASPER, You like video games?
Cameron, Love them.
Chase, That should do it. You OK?
Lucy, I want my bunny.
DERAN, Are you being silly?
Lucy, I didn't know which one to take.
DERAN, [Looking worried.] What do you mean? [To Cameron and Chase.] What's happening?
House," So, what does the double vision tell us?"
Cameron," Slit lamp rEvealed the eye's anterior chAmber is swollen, uveitis, means it's not a post op effect and it's not neurological."
Chase," It's not fungal either, lymph node biopsy was clean."
House, So we're back to square one.
Foreman, One and a half. We've eliminated two more conditions.
House," Yes, 2+2 doesn't equal 12 or 16 either."
Foreman, Vision issues plus screwy heart equals some type of autoimmune. Lupus and Kawasakis are the most common in a 6-year-old.
Chase," [Scoffs] Yeah, tough to find a 6 year old who doesn't have Lupus or Kawasakis."
House, Did you look at her knees?
House," Those knobby things in the middle of her legs, any scars or scabs?"
Foreman, What does that have to do with...
House," Well most 6 year olds hurt themselves, a lot. Crash their bikes, climb trees, bungee jump."
DERAN, Dad said she doesn't like to run around outside.
House, Because running around outside hurts.
Cameron, She didn't mention anything about...
House," Most 6 year olds are not familiar with the phrase 'my joints feel inflamed'. So, 2+2 equals?"
House," Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. We're checking her ANA to confirm and giving her steroids to fix her vision. Some idiot gave me two tickets for a play tonight. Saved his life, apparently worth 186 dollars. [House walks into exam room one, rEvealing a guy sitting on the table] [To the Patient] Sorry, had to take a leak."
Wilson, Oh I didn't know you were seeing a Patient.
House, It's an exam room. What did you think I was doing?
Wilson, What you usually do - hiding from Cuddy.
House," Well it'd be stupid to do it in here. There's a Patient in here. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] [To Eddie, the Patient.] You been drinking more?"
EDDIE," Ah no, I, I...."
House, [To Wilson who is still standing in the doorway] Guy's peeing all the time. Play. Interested?
Wilson," Sure, want me to pick you up?"
House, I'm not going.
Wilson, You said two tickets.
House, You thought this was a date? [Turns back to the Patient.] Any other symptoms?
EDDIE," My stomach hurts, I have back pain and muscle aches, I feel dizzy [House pulls out the tickets and looks at them.] and I have trouble concentrating sometimes in class."
Wilson, I really shouldn't...
House, [Shows Wilson the tickets.] You want the tickets or not?
Wilson, [Hesitating.] Why don't you want to go with me?
House, It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged by women they're hoping to see naked.
Wilson, So why are you giving them to me?
House, Maybe there's someone you want to see naked.
Wilson, [Looks at what the play is.] All right. [Takes the tickets and leaves.]
House, [Turns back to the Patient.] Any fEver?
EDDIE, No.
House, Anything in your pee other than pee?
EDDIE, No.
House, I'm going to need a urine sample.
EDDIE, No!
House, Yeah that last one wasn't a question. You might have diabetes...
EDDIE, I can't pee in public.
House, We have bathrooms.
EDDIE, I can't pee in public bathrooms.
House, Where can you pee?
EDDIE, I only live a few miles from here.
DERAN, I though arthritis was for old people.
Foreman," JRA is an autoimmune disease. Her body is attacking itself, causing inflammation in the joints, her eyes and her heart."
DERAN, Is it treatable?
Foreman," It can be crippling, but it can also go into complete remission. The good thing is we caught it early. It gives her the best chance to have a positive outcome."
DERAN," Don't get up, Goosy, your stitches. [Runs over to get her to lie down again.]"
Foreman, [To Deran.] She's having a stroke.
Foreman," The stroke was caused by a clot in her middle cerebral artery. Started her on TPA. It should dissolve the clot and hopefully prEvent brain damage, but we wont know for sure until she regains consciousness."
House," Or she has another stroke. Arthritis, heart disease, why can't this kid act her age?"
Foreman," JRA doesn't affect the blood, means the clot's a symptom of something else. [Cameron walks in.]"
Cameron," It's a symptom of polycythemia, she's fully hydrated and her blood's still thicker than pancake batter."
House," Well thick blood explains the stroke, could also have caused an autoimmune response, which would explain the JRA kicking into gear. But what explains the thick blood?"
Foreman," Lack of oxygen, forces the body to over produce red cells."
House, What explains the lack of oxygen?
Chase," Carbon monoxide fumes, cigarette smoke."
Cameron, Doubt our Patient's a smoker.
Chase, Dad could be.
Cameron, He's not.
Chase, [Scoffs.] He says he's not.
House," Hey! Don't make me turn the hose on you two. Chase is right. You two go check the House, see if Dad's a closet Marlboro Man."
Cameron, You're intentionally punishing us.
House," By making you do your job? Does seem kind of cruel doesn't it? Take along a carbon monoxide detector to check for leaks and you [points to Foreman] start her on hydroxyurea to control her red blood cell production. Take out a Merck Manual, mEdieval edition, tell you how to drain a pint or two so she doesn't clot again."
JASPER," Dr. Cameron! [Cameron and Chase both turn around, Jasper is holding a big bunch of flowers.] I got you flowers, for helping my sister."
Cameron, [Taking the flowers.] That's so sweet. [Jasper smiles.]
Chase, Does your dad know you're down here?
JASPER, Yes.
Chase, [Pulls the card out of the flowers and reads it out.] Congratulations on your bundle of joy. [To Cameron.] Something you forgot to tell me? [Puts the card back.]
Cameron, [To Jasper.] You should take these back to where you found them.
JASPER, Okay. [Takes the flowers.]
Chase, [To a security guard.] Excuse me? Can you make sure these flowers and this kid both get back to where they belong?
SECURITY GUARD, Sure.
Chase, Thanks.
SECURITY GUARD," [To Jasper.] Lets go. C 'mon. [Leads Jasper towards the elevators, Chase starts to leave but Cameron doesn't.]"
Cameron," Wait. [Chase watches as she walks over to Jasper, takes a flower out of the bunch and kisses Jasper on the cheek, Jasper smiles broadly before looking at Chase. Cameron then walks off towards the exit, smiling and smelling the flower as she passes Chase. Chase sighs, then turns and follows.]"
DERAN," So you're just draining blood from her? You're not testing it, you're not fixing it?"
Foreman," Your daughters vascular system is engorged with blood, draining some reduces the chances of another stroke. We're also starting her on a drug that suppresses the production of red cells so we don't have to keep doing this. Good chance she'll make a full recovery."
DERAN, She hasn't spoken yet.
Foreman, Give her time.
SECURITY GUARD, This your boy?
DERAN, [To Jasper.] Where have you been?
JASPER, Exploring. [To the security guard.] Seeya.
DERAN, Thank you. [Security guard leaves.] [To Jasper.] You know you just can't run off without telling me.
JASPER, Ok. Can I have two dollars?
Chase, Oven's a long shot. You'd smell the gas long before anyone got sick.
Cameron," Yeah right, House loves it when we skip something because it's a long shot. [Closes the oven and checks the stove.]"
Chase, Why did you take the flower? Why'd you kiss him?
Cameron, He did something sweet.
Chase, He STOLE flowers!
Cameron, He's eight.
Chase, You're trying to make me jealous.
Cameron," [Sarcastic.] Yeah, I want you to profess your love for me. Oh wait, you already did that and it caused me to end our relationship. [Glares at Chase.]"
Chase," You're enabling a thief. [Cameron walks into another room.] And a delinquent! [Holding a file of papers, follows Cameron.] Letters from school, fights, detentions, a parent conference. Oh, I know, I know, bad boys are hard to resist."
Cameron, It's a crush. It's harmless.
Chase, It's nEver harmless.
Cameron, So I'm learning.
Chase, [Sighs.] So this is us now? We snipe at each other?
Cameron," I'm not sniping I'm looking for a vent. Her room's directly above the garage. There's all sorts of CO sources down there. [Crawls under the bed.] I found a vent, I think there's something in it."
Chase," [Joining Cameron under the bed.] This isn't right. You dumped me, you don't get to be mad."
Cameron," We had a really good thing. You broke the rules, I'm angry. I'll get over it."
Cameron, She's being abused.
Foreman, A bloody t-shirt doesn't equal abuse. Kids get hurt all the time.
Chase, That amount of blood?
Foreman, [Looking from Chase to Cameron] Oh crap. You two are agreeing again.
Cameron," Father's overwhelmed, hectic job, his wife passed away last year. He could easily be taking it out on the kids."
Foreman, Or she had a nosebleed and grabbed a t-shirt.
Chase, She's so ashamed of a nosebleed she has to hide the evidence in a vent under her bed?
Cameron," She's socially isolated, the brother's always in trouble its classic signs..."
Foreman," But no physical signs. No marks on her body, no bruises at all."
Cameron, [Turns to House.] What if it's sexual? We should call social services.
House," Well this sucks. Either it's abuse or it's not abuse. Which means either it's a symptom or it's completely irrelevant. Either way we have to waste half a day figuring out which. Full physical exam. Look for bruises we may have missed, check her mouth and do a vaginal exam."
Chase, We can't do a vaginal exam on a 6 year old without the Dad's consent and if he's abusing her he'll nEver say yes.
House, NEver is just rEven spelt backwards. [Hands the t-shirt to Foreman and leaves.]
Foreman, Have you been abusing your daughter?
DERAN, What? Why would you...
Foreman, We found this. [Shows him the bloody t-shirt.] Hidden in a vent under her bed.
DERAN, I don't know anything about this. Maybe she had a bloody nose?
Foreman, We need to examine her for abuse.
DERAN, You can't really think that I...
Foreman," Maybe you, maybe the school bully, maybe the creepy neighbour. I'm guessing that you're not paying as much attention as you should be. Do you Even know where your son is right now?"
DERAN, Yeah he was here just... [Starts to look around.] a minute ago. [Turns back to Foreman.] She isn't being abused.
Foreman, Unfortunately that answer doesn't help me. If you have abused her you're obviously going to lie.
DERAN, I'm not lying!
Foreman, We need to do a vaginal exam.
DERAN," No. She may be dying, she still can't talk and you're going to waste your time with THIS?"
Foreman," You consent and we waste a few hours doing an exam or you refuse and I call social services, and they waste three days doing an investigation, which ends with them doing the exam anyway."
Cameron," Ok, I'm going to look inside your mouth, open wide. [Lucy does so.] Ok, I'm going to look at your chest and your back next. Ok? [Cameron lifts Lucy up and checks her back.] I know you can't talk so stop me if you get scared. [Lies her back down turns her on her side and checks her chest and then her knees.] Before you came here, did anyone hurt you? Make you bleed? [Lucy shakes her head.] I need to look in your vagina now, do you understand? I'm a doctor so it's ok, all right? Bend your knees, keep your ankles together and just let your knees fall to the side, ok? [Cameron looks at her vagina and then looks shocked.] Oh my God."
Cameron," She has cuts all over her genital area, like slices, some are almost healed but some are new."
Chase, She could be doing it to herself.
Foreman, She's a little young to be cutting.
Chase," She's a little young for a stroke. Depression accounts for the cuts, molestation accounts for the depression."
Foreman, But do the cuts account for all that blood?
Cameron, They weren't deep enough.
Chase, So she's getting cut but that's not the source of the blood?
Foreman, The other obvious source is forcible penetration.
Chase," The other obvious source of the blood, not the cuts."
Cameron," And there was no tearing, there's no evidence at all."
Chase, So we have no explanation for the cuts or the blood. [They reach House's office but he isn't there.] Where is he?
Foreman, What if our original assumption was wrong?
Cameron, Meaning what?
Foreman, We found a t-shirt covered with blood hidden in a heating vent. How do we know it's Even hers?
Chase, Her Dad identified it.
Foreman, Not the shirt. The blood.
EDDIE, Are those the urine test results?
House, Yes.
EDDIE, And!
House, I'm going to ask you for some blood.
EDDIE, Why?
House, To see if your answer will be 'I can't bleed in public'. This wasn't your urine was it?
EDDIE, Why would I give you someone else's urine?
House, Usual reason is because you're on steroids.
EDDIE, I'm not an athlete.
House, Duh. The second favourite reason is because you're on drugs.
EDDIE, I'm not.
House," I am. Third favourite reason is � you have insurance but your friend, Eggs Benedict, doesn't. So Eggs describes a list of symptoms and you repeat them to a doctor. Which is particularly stupid because this is a free clinic."
Cuddy," Need you, now. [Leaves.]"
House, My work here is done. [Starts to leave.]
EDDIE, Am! I! ok? Is it diabetes?
House," No, you're pregnant."
Cuddy, 6-year-old abuse victim and you haven't called social services?
House, She might have been abused. That's horrifying. Why are you wearing extra concealer under your eyes?
Cuddy," The law's clear, you suspect abuse you call the authorities. You don't proceed as usual while the possible abuser sits by her bedside."
House," Dad consented to the exam, which means it's not the Dad. How late were you out last night?"
Cuddy, It's always the Dad and I don't have a curfew.
House, [Loudly.] Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?
Cuddy," I went to a play, [House is shocked.] House you are going back to your office, you are picking up your phone, calling social services and you are reporting suspected abuse. Do you understand?"
House, What play?
House, You're trying to have sex with Cuddy.
Wilson, [Looks at House.] Fries?
House, You took her to a play. You only take women to plays because...
Wilson," No, YOU only take women to plays for that reason. That's your theory."
House," Ok, then why did you take her to a play?"
Wilson, She's a friend.
House, A friend with a squish mitten.
Wilson, It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...
House," Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex, she's a different species. [Takes a fry.] She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head after she's done."
Wilson," Yes, I slept with her."
House, [Shocked.] Seriously?
Wilson, No.
House, [Not convinced.] Yes you did.
Wilson, [Quietly.] Yes I did.
House, [Shocked.] Seriously?
Wilson, No. You've got a pRoblem House.
Foreman, We just tested the blood on Lucy's t-shirt. It's full of endometrial cells.
House, It's not her blood.
Foreman, We tested that too. It is.
Wilson, Your 6-year-old Patient?
Foreman, It's menstrual blood. She's started puberty.
DERAN, How can someone start puberty before they Even start the first grade? She was in diapers two years ago.
Cameron," For some reason her body has too much sex hormone. Caused her reproductive system to get confused, start operating prematurely. We need to find out the source of the hormones and cut it off."
DERAN," She's so young. I haven't Even talked to her about sex. I doubt she Even knows what a period is... Girls talk to their moms about that. [Walks over and kneels beside Lucy's bed and strokes her face.] You're going to be ok, Goosy. I love you."
Lucy, I... want... juice.
Cameron," She got her period and didn't know what it was. She was scared and confused. A friend told her to put a t-shirt in her underwear. When she started growing pubic hair, she snuck Daddy's razor and tried to shave it off."
House, Apparently forgot to sneak the shaving cream.
Foreman, A tumour's most likely. A pituitary adenoma would send her hormone lEvels sky high.
Cameron, In Puerto Rico in the 70s there was an epidemic of kids growing breasts because of estrogen in the poultry.
Chase, If it was in the food it would be an epidemic. We've got one kid.
Cameron, She's 6. She's tiny. She lives on Parkcken fingers and milk. Dad doesn't look like the type to read labels. He's pRobably buying stuff packed full of hormones.
House, Excellent argument. [To Foreman] It's a tumour.
Cameron," There's all sorts of environmental sources. Pesticides, soy products! Some shampoos are basically a placenta in a bottle."
House, If the tumour's not in her brain it's in her reproductive tract. Get an MRI. [Gets up.]
Cameron, Can I at least...
House, Waste your time? Wouldn't recognise you if you didn't.
Foreman, Frontal cortex is clean. Moving caudally.
Chase," For the record, Cameron's the one who broke it off."
Foreman, Not interested. No masses in the hypothalamus.
Chase, I wanted more. She didn't share my feelings.
Foreman, I feel like I'm in a similar position.
Chase, Pituitary's clean.
Foreman, You're an idiot. Either she's lying or she's actually emotionally detached. Which one sounds more like Cameron to you?
Chase, Neither.
Foreman, You have to choose one. There's a bright spot on her left ovary. Looks like a solid tumour.
House, They printed my letter. [Pays for the magazine and starts to walk off. Wilson runs up behind him.]
Wilson, You were right.
House, Of course I was. What are we talking about? [Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter.
Wilson, Great. Cuddy.
House, You want to see her naked. [They walk over to the doors to the Clinic.]
Wilson," No, no, no. She wants to see ME naked. She sent me flowers."
House, Just thanking you for the play. You see some people fell an emotion called gratitude.
Wilson, There's a card.
House, I suspected. Explains how you knew who they were from.
Wilson, [Pulls out the card and shows House.] Lets do it again. Soon. X X. Lisa. Xs are the kisses right?
House, No! I think they're the hugs. I think Os are the kisses.
Wilson," No, no, Xs are definitely the kisses. Soon is its own sentence. [Sees Cuddy in the clinic.] I got to go. [Walks off quickly.]"
House, I'll miss you. You were a good friend. [House walks into the clinic towards Cuddy. Holds up the magazine.] They printed my letter. How was the play Mrs. Lincoln?
Cuddy, What's up with Wilson?
House, He's just a little freaked.
Cuddy, Why?
House, I sent him flowers. [Smiles. Cuddy looks confused.]
Cameron," Jasper, you're not supposed to be up here."
JASPER, Is that other doctor your boyfriend?
Cameron, No. Your Dad's pRobably looking for you. He's got enough to worry about right now.
JASPER, Do you like him?
Cameron, He's a friend.
JASPER, Do you LIKE him like him?
Cameron, We should get you back to your Dad. Let me put this down and I'll take you there. [She opens the door to the Diagnostics office and puts the bags down while Jasper stares at her ass. She turns around and catches him.]
JASPER, I could be your boyfriend.
Cameron, [Shocked.] I! think that wouldn't be fair to the girls your own age.
JASPER, He seems like a tool.
Cameron," He's not. And that's rude. I'm taking you back to your father. [Puts her arm around his shoulder and leads him towards the elevator. Jasper grabs her ass. She jumps away, shocked. Jasper grins.]"
Foreman, [Looking at the screen.] The mass is small. About a centimetre across.
Chase, Firing the biopsy needle.
Foreman, You nick an artery?
Chase, No.
Foreman," She's in VTAC, no pulse. [Grabs the paddles.] Charging 50! Clear! [Shocks Lucy.] Clear! [Shocks again.] Clear! [Shocks a third time. This time it works, he feels for a pulse.]"
Chase, The arrhythmia must've been a reaction to the hydroxyurea. We have to stop the drug therapy.
Cameron," The bone marrow will just go back to over producing blood cells. She'll keep having strokes and we'll have to keep bleeding her, forEver."
Chase," You resect the tumour, hormones lEvels go back to normal and her symptoms go away."
Foreman, [Looks up from the microscope.] Great plan. Except the fact that her tumour's not a tumour. It's a benign cyst.
Cameron, [Looks in the microscope.] If it's not a tumour that just leaves an environmental source. [They look over at the pile of stuff Cameron collected to test.]
Foreman, I'm feeling another late night... I'm gonna leave you two alone. [Starts to leave.]
Cameron, You're kidding me right?
Foreman," What? The answer's right there, it's just a question of finding it. You don't need me for that. [Leaves.]"
Cameron, Don't get the mochaParkno. They screwed up and put hot chocolate in the dispenser.
Chase, Thank you.
Cameron, You were right. That eight-year-old kid grabbed my ass. I shouldn't have encouraged him.
Chase," [Laughs.] Well, I was a boy once. I know how they think."
Cameron, You were a pervert at 8?
Chase, Maybe... 11. [Laughs.]
Cameron, I didn't realise you were going to get hurt. I'm sorry I misled you.
Chase, You didn't. You have feelings for me. You come back to me again and again.
Cameron," For sex. It's a simple, physical..."
Chase," C'mon, you have feelings for puppies and Patients that you barely know, but when it comes to a guy that you've worked with for 3 years? [Takes her hand.] Had sex with, spent the night with, you're telling me you feel nothing? Absolutely nothing?"
JASPER," [Running towards Chase, shouting.] Get away from her! Don't touch her! I'll kill you if you touch her. [Tackles Chase to the ground.]"
Cameron, Jasper!
Chase," Get him off! [Cameron starts trying to pull Jasper off, Jasper bites Chase's arm and growls.] AHH! He's biting me! Get him off! AHH! [Cameron pulls him away, Chase looks at the big bite mark on his arm that is bleeding.]"
House, [Answers.] Somebody better be dying.
Cameron, Lucy's big brother's got a crush on me so he bit the crap out of Chase.
House, And I care because?
Chase, Just thought you might want to know when one of your employees gets attacked by a sociopath.
House," Bees or monkeys yes, sociopaths no."
Cameron, Hello?
House, He's not a sociopath.
Cameron, How do you know?
House, He's acting logically. He's got a crush on you. He's being aggressive about it. Not just regular aggressive. He's out of his mind on hormones aggressive.
Chase, You think he's...
House, Better figure out what's killing the girl cause her brother's got it too.
Chase," Jasper's got 100 times more testosterone than a healthy 8-year-old. But we scanned his brain and reproductive tract, no hormone secreting tumours."
Foreman, Not surprised. What's more likely? Brother and sister get the same type of tumour at exactly the same time or they both play in the same toxic sandbox?
Cameron, Yes you would think that if for some reason you were completely unaware of the fact that we spent the entire night testing Everything from that home. It was all negative.
House, [To Foreman] You went home? [Foreman nods. House is pleased.] Good for you. Delegate.
Cameron, We're not his subordinates.
House, Making it all the more impressive.
Chase," What if it's genetic? [Everyone looks at him.] What, anyone else think it's more than a coincidence these kids have symptoms that could be caused by a brain tumour which is exactly what killed their mum?"
Foreman, You just said there were no tumours. We scanned both their brains.
Chase, They looked clean. So did their mum's until it didn't.
Cameron, It can't be genetic. Mom had none of the same symptoms.
Chase," Yes she did, if the symptoms were pubic hair and menstruation."
Cameron, [Turns to House.] That's ridiculous. If menstruation is a symptom of brain cancer then I should be on chemo right now.
House, That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.
Chase, What if the mum had other pRoblems? Symptoms her doctors ignored on account of the fact she was already dying.
House," Pull all of her medical records, find any similarities to our Patients, and punch the little brat on the nose so he doesn't have a stroke like his sister. [Walks off towards his office.]"
JASPER, I'm not sick.
Foreman, Just trying to keep you that way.
JASPER, I want Dr. Cameron to do mine.
Foreman," [Laughs.] Trust me, you don't want her cutting you right now. [Finishes what he's doing walks over to where Deran is standing.]"
DERAN, So Jasper's behavioural issues?
Foreman," Could be a function of the increased testosterone. Hopefully, he'll be a delight, as soon as we figure this out."
Lucy," [From the next room.] My tummy hurts, it hurts! [Foreman and Deran both walk over to see what's wrong.]"
JASPER, No it doesn't. Don't be such a baby.
Lucy, My tummy hurts!
Foreman, Where on your tummy?
Lucy, [Starts yelling.] It hurts! It hurts! [Screams.]
Foreman, Stomach pain is from a cyst in her pancreas. Found two more in her kidneys and one in her lung. They weren't there 48 hours ago. The hormones are making her body go haywire.
House," If she gets one in her brain or heart, she's dead. [Turns to Cameron and Chase.] No pressure though."
Chase, Mum was perfectly healthy until she got cancer. She had none of the symptoms the kids have.
Cameron, It's not genetic. It's not environmental. It's got to be a pituitary adenoma.
House," Yes, that would make complete sense if they had one."
Cameron, Just because we haven't found anything on the scan doesn't mean it's not there. We should remove her pituitary gland.
House," Two siblings, same condition. Its got to be genetic or environmental. If you add in 'same time' and we're back to just environmental."
Chase, Yes and that would make complete sense if there was anything in her environment.
House, [Mimicking Cameron.] Just because we haven't found anything yet.
Foreman, She's been out of her environment for 4 days and she's still getting worse.
Cameron, I'm getting the father's consent. [Starts to leave.]
House, No! [Cameron stops.] We have no evidence.
Cameron," This is YOUR process House. You asked us what 2 + 2 is, we've eliminated Every number except for 4. She needs brain surgery. [Leaves.]"
Cameron, The ovaries produce sex hormones in response to a signal from the pituitary gland. Since we know the ovaries are fine the most likely cause...
House," [Interrupting.] Most likely means she wants to root around inside your little girl's brain without any guarantee that it will work, that's why she's holding off on doing your son."
Cameron, Dr. House knows that unfortunately we've ruled out Every other option. We need to resect Lucy's pituitary before...
House, Who else visits these kids?
Cameron, They don't have any family in town.
House, You got a girlfriend?
DERAN, No one visits.
House, School?
Cameron," They don't go to the same school, House I..."
House, Nanny?
Cameron, They don't have one.
DERAN, They go to an after school day care but none of the other kids are sick.
House," Yet. It took your son twice as long to dEvelop symptoms as your daughter, maybe the other kids are just slow."
Cameron, We wait and your daughter may die.
House, She does this and your daughter will need hormone replacement therapy for the rest of her life.
Cameron, The treatments are extremely effective. She should lead a relatively normal life.
House," And isn't that Every parents dream, to have a kid grow up to be relatively normal."
Cameron, My husband died of thyroid cancer that metastasised to his brain. I've been there. I know how terrifying this can be. I am telling you this is your best chance to save your daughter's life.
House, [Whispers in Cameron's ear.] You did NOT just play the dead husband card. [To Deran.] My wife died because she signed a consent form that I didn't want her to sign. Died.
Cameron, Thank you. [Leaves.]
House, How did you know?
DERAN, [Stops and turns around.] Know what?
House, That the other kids weren't sick. You've been here for 4 days.
DERAN, I just... I would've heard. [Leaves.]
House, Right...
House, [Smiles.] Do you have hair on your special place?
LITTLE GIRL, Miss Janie! [Runs off.]
JANIE, Can I help you?
House, I'm a doctor. Two of your kids are sick and I need to know why.
JANIE, You think they got sick here?
House, I think you're dating their Dad.
JANIE, He told you?
House," No, but I don't really care why he didn't. I just need to know how often you go to their House and what you bring."
JANIE, I don't.
House," Shampoos, fancy soaps, kids get in your bag?"
JANIE," I've nEver been to their House. They just lost their mom, and we thought it was too soon. [House stares at her rash just above her lip.] Why are you staring at me?"
House, Lip wax?
JANIE, I just had it done over lunch.
House, [Grabs her hand.] Mani-pedi?
JANIE," [Pulls her hand back.] No, just the wax."
House," Women get a wax as part of a whole self-indulgent beauty ritual � pedicure, steam, cucumber masks. No one runs out at lunch just to get a lip wax, unless you woke up looking like Yosemite Sam."
JANIE, You're an ass.
Cameron, Cameron.
House, It's always the Dad.
House," Excess facial hair in women, it's a clear sign of hormonal imbalance, exactly what the little kiddies have."
DERAN, Is there something wrong at the Day Care Centre?
House, There's something wrong in your pants.
DERAN," Oh... She's a lot younger than I am, I... use a male enhancement cream to keep up with her. What does this have to do with..."
House, NEver occurred to you to get a prescription instead of some penis pumper loaded with testosterone?
DERAN, I keep it at the gym. I apply it daily in the shower just like it says on the bottle. It's nEver been in my home. It's obviously nEver been near the kids.
House, But you have.
DERAN, We've been through that I'm not a pervert or a paedophile.
House," 30% of our waste is excreted through our skin. That sounds high. That's why you stink after eating garlic. Jack waters his beanstalk Everyday for a week and he's oozing bean curd out of his pores for a month. Every time you gave the little tykes a hug you gave them a dose of testosterone, small for you but more then their little bodies could handle."
DERAN, So... I did this to them? [House nods.] Just holding their hands?
House, Uh-huh.
DERAN, If I stop using it?
House," You'll be floppy, they'll be fine. [Looks at Jasper teasing Lucy by not letting her get her bunny.] He'll still be eight. [Pops a pill.]"
House, [Takes off his glasses.] You ok?
Wilson," Yeah, I think so."
House, [Puts the magazine down.] Talk to Cuddy?
Wilson," No, not yet! [Takes his hands off his face.] I don't know what to say."
House, Just... be straight with her.
Wilson, I'm not sure what that is. I... I can't stop thinking about her.
House, [Trying not to smile.] In what way?
Wilson," Maybe she's right, maybe... maybe this is worth exploring?"
House, [Still trying fairly successfully to keep a straight face.] You sure she feels...
Wilson, She sent me flowers! How do I do this? What do I say?
House," Cameron would tell you to say how you feel. Me, I'd get her drunk."
Wilson," [Thinks.] I'm not going to say anything. I'm just going to walk into her office, and I'm going to kiss her. [Slaps his hand as if to say 'and that's that.']"
House," [Struggling to keep a straight face he has to cover his mouth with his hand.] That's... a bold move, Cuddy likes bold. Yeah, your right, if you spoke you'd say something stupid."
Wilson," Yeah. I mean I'll either get a girlfriend or get fired. [Looks at House, he doesn't say anything.] Ok... yea... ok... [Gets up and leaves, House almost bursts out laughing while Wilson is on his way out. Once Wilson is gone he goes to take a sip of his coffee. Suddenly Wilson bursts back in, pointing at him] You, you, you! You were going to let me do that?!"
House, [Laughs.] Well you made a compelling argument.
Wilson, YOU sent those flowers to me!
House," Yes, because, you took her to a play [Wilson throws his arms up in the air.] because actually you do want to march down there and kiss her."
Wilson, No! I don't!
House, Yes you do.
Wilson, [Sighs.] You're right.
House, [Shocked.] Seriously?
Wilson, No. [House smiles.] You're a jerk. [Wilson leaves.]
House, Night Wilson.
Wilson, Night House.
Cameron," They're beautiful. [She walks a few steps closer to Chase.] I thought about what you said, and ... I really don't want a relationship with you."
Chase," I know. I also know you like flowers. [They smile at each other Chase leaves, Cameron looks at the flowers.]"
Cuddy, I don't get the whole May - December thing.
House," Give him a break, it's May - October at worst."
Cuddy, Well why can't it be October - October?
House, May is when things start to get hot.
Cuddy, [Laughs.] If that guy wasn't trying so hard to keep up with a women half his age he wouldn't have almost killed both his kids.
House," Guy gets a little something-something, couple of kids have to die, circle of life."
Cuddy," So Many people, so much energy and drama just trying to find someone who's almost nEver the right person anyway. It just... shouldn't be so hard."
House, [Long pause.] I got tickets to a play...
Man," Ladies and gentlemen, step around, step around, come on, gather 'round, gather around, let me show you a little way to make a little easy money today, you understand what I'm saying? These are the blacks, don't wanna follow the blacks, you wanna follow the queen, you know why, because she's red, and that means she is hot! So you gotta find the queen, find the queen. The first to play is free today, so who wants to play? You look interestin', my Man, you wanna step on up? Come on, now, who wants to play? Oh, what about you, sweetie, you're cute ""�"
Lupe, All right.
Man," --come on up! Come on up here and play. Cute girls win money all day. You look lucky, now you look lucky, now follow the queen, ladies and gentlemen, follow the queen, follow the queen. Ain't no Helen Mirren, but this queen is for you. Which one is it, which one is it, which one is it?"
Lupe, It's right there. [points to the card on the right]
Man," Right there? [flips over the queen] Beginner's luck, beginner's luck, I'll tell you what, takes a Woman to know a Woman, takes a lady to find a queen. [as she goes to take the money] Whoa! want to double up?"
Lupe, All right.
Man," All right, we got a chance here, we got a chance here, we got a chance here. All right, here we go, here we go, all you got to do is find your queen. You will not win again, you will not win again. All right, here we go, here we go, where is she, where is she, where is she, where is she, boom! Can you find her?"
Lupe, Right there. [points to the left card]
Man, This one? [turns over the queen] She is killing me! She is taking all my rent. Anybody else want to get behind the good luck girl?
Young Man, I can do it.
Man," You can do it? All right, you're next on. Just get me a chance to recover and get my money back, or else I'm going to be out here sleepin' on the streets and not just playing. All right, here we go, you ready? This is the last time, and I'm not messing with you no more, you're taking all my money, girl, I'm not messing with you no more. I'm giving you one more chance, and this is your last chance, you got to follow the queen, follow the queen, baby, follow the queen, where's she at, where's she at, one time, I'll show you one time, and there she is, boom, boom, boom. Pick a card."
Lupe," Uh, I can't decide."
Man," You're mean, just pick a card, make a decision."
Lupe, I can't decide.
Man," Come on, any card will do, left, right, center! [getting agitated]"
Lupe, I don't! I don't know!
Man," You want the right ""�"
Lupe, I don't know!
Man," The left, the center!"
Lupe, I don't know!
Man," Will you move out of the way and let somebody else play, then?"
Lupe, I can't! decide! I can't!
Man, You wanna flip a coin for it?
Lupe, What's wrong with me?
Man, I don't know. [Woman collapses as the Man walks away.]
Lupe," Scariest thirty seconds of my life. I couldn't do anything, it's like I couldn't move inside my head."
Foreman," It's called abuila, the inability to make a decision or exercise will."
Lupe, Is it going to happen again?
Foreman," It's part of a T.I.A., a Transient Ischemic Attack. Blood was cut off to a section of your frontal lobe."
Lupe, Is that like a stroke or something?
Foreman, A little. What drugs have you taken recently?
Lupe, No drugs.
Foreman," Toxins are another possibility. You might have been exposed to something at work, for instance."
Lupe, No real job right now.
Foreman, Exposure can build up over time and lie dorMant for a while. Where was your last job?
Lupe, Pet store.
Foreman, Exotic pets?
Lupe, Tropical fish.
Foreman, And before that?
Lupe," Unemployment. And before that I sold subscriptions on the phone. And before that, unemployment. Before that I worked in Jeans Gone Wild. Before that, unemployment. Before that I walked dogs. Before that!"
House, Loss of free will. I like it. Maybe we can get Thomas Aquinas in for a consult. What caused the T.I.A.?
Foreman," Arteries are clear, no sign of a clot."
Cameron," Could have dissolved. Most likely came from her heart, we should do a bubble study."
Foreman, Clots are unlikely in a 28-year-old who's not on the Pill. It's pRobably a vasospasm caused by drugs.
Chase," I don't think so. She goes from job to job, maybe there's some kind of ADD here. Help us pinpoint where the neurological ""�"
Foreman," She goes from job to job because she's a scam artist. She works just long enough to qualify for unemployment, then gets fired and gets high. [House takes a Vicodin, for the irony, you understand.]"
Chase, I still don't think it's drugs. Did you check for infection?
Foreman," Her LP showed nothing, no fEver, white blood count is normal."
Chase, Could be toxic exposure.
Foreman, You're the one always saying it must be drugs.
Chase," You're figuring she's a minority, she must be snorting ""�"
Foreman," You know that's not what I ""�"
Chase, She seems like a nice girl.
Chase," Come on, cut her some slack, her baby died of SIDS."
Foreman, This isn't some roMantic story of a nice girl scarred by tragedy. She's a drug-using scam artist scarred by tragedy.
Chase," On the other hand, the tox screen just came back. She's clean."
Foreman," You're wasting my time ""� he's wasting my! [All three finally notice that House isn't paying any attention to them, and is in fact walking toward Wilson's office."
House, Second ex-Mrs. Wilson wanting money?
Wilson," I am no longer paying alimony; she wanted her independence, so she got her realtor's license."
House," Market's doing badly, she wants money."
Wilson," Market's doing badly, she's moving into a condo."
House," She wants ""�"
Wilson, She wants me to take Hector.
House, Pool boy?
Wilson, Dog.
House, No longer interested.
Wilson," We got him on our Honeymoon, so I'm like! other parent. But I can't take him! My hotel doesn't allow dogs, besides! I'm always here."
House, I asked Cuddy to a play Thursday. [Wilson laughs.]
Wilson," Oh, you! okay."
House, She said she was busy.
Wilson," And you didn't beliEve her, so you bribed a janitor, broke into her computer, checked her appointments ""�"
House, I asked her as a test.
Wilson, What would you have learned if she'd said yes?
House," A lot about bondage. She's busy for me, but not for you. She's not interested in the play qua play, she's interested in you."
Wilson," No. I'm not getting sucked into the vortex of your insanity again. Don't pass me notes in class, don't tell me to ask her to the prom ""�"
House, You cannot see her socially. You're leading her on!
Wilson," I'll consider that after I take her to the Hockney exhibit. On Thursday. See, she is busy. It's not a date. [House stares at him.] She enjoyed the play. I enjoyed her enjoying the play. The Woman works hard, it's nice to see her relax."
House, So all this enjoying is an act of charity?
Wilson, I'm keeping the receipts for tax purposes.
House," What's life without the ability to make stupid choices? She needs her free will. Find out why her brain froze before she can't decide to make her next breath. Find the toxin, run your bubble study. You won't find anything, but I'll get the office to myself. There's a lot of porn piling up on the internet. It doesn't download itself!"
 Foreman," Eric, Eric!"
Chase," Hello, Mr. Foreman!"
 Foreman," Dr. Chase, how are ou?"
Chase," Good. You're lucky you caught us, there."
Foreman," I'll meet you outside. [Chase walks off.] Hey, Dad. Gotta go, but! why are you here? Everything okay?"
 Foreman," Eh, good as Ever. Staying at a hotel down the street."
Foreman, You didn't bring Mom with you?
 Foreman, It's gonna be her sixtieth birthday in a few days.
Foreman," I know, we talked about it on the phone."
 Foreman, You said you couldn't come home.
Foreman, You didn't have to come.
 Foreman, You haven't been home in eight years. You should see her while she still knows who you are.
Foreman, I talk to her on the phone. She only knows who I am sometimes.
 Foreman, Sometimes is important.
Chase, So what's up with your dad? Didn't know he was going to be in town?
Foreman, No.
Chase," Building this old, there could be toxic exposure anywhere: asbestos, mold, the coloring agents in the old wallpaper!"
Foreman, Or it could be drugs. [He holds up a vial.]
Chase, I thought we ruled out!. Clean tox screen means drugs didn't cause the T.I.A.
Foreman," Drugs can be laced with toxic substances ""� arsenic, rat poison. The drugs wash out of her system, the toxins stick around."
Chase," Exposure can come about any number of ways, there's no reason to assume drug use."
Foreman," Absolutely, except for the crack pipe. I'll test her blood for arsenic and rat poison."
Chase," You'd like that, wouldn't you, when your dad asked you out for dinner. I'll do the tests, you're stuck with the family."
House, You like Hockney?
Cuddy, You heard about that?
House," Hot stuff, were the Venezuelan pictures."
Cuddy, That's a trick question.
House," Yes, but you have no idea how it's a trick."
Cuddy, I like art. I'm open to new things. What's the pRoblem?
House," You're going to a gallery to see Venezuelan pictures that don't exist, but you won't go to a play with me. Why?"
Cuddy," House, why is my social life suddenly red-hot? One minute I'm mushing along with the huskies as usual, and all of a sudden it's global warming. You think you saw someone pick up a toy from the sandbox and suddenly you want it."
House, Is that why you said no?
Cuddy, Maybe I just want a friend and Wilson is a safe choice.
House, I'm not safe? Cool. Wilson is nEver a safe choice.
Cuddy," Going to a gallery, we're not getting married."
House," Sure, you say that now. He always marries them in the end!"
 Foreman," Is that Eric? Eric! Oh, baby, baby. I wanted to find that picture I took at your high school graduation. I had it reframed. It's in one of these suitcases, but I don't know!"
Foreman, You can show it to me later.
 Foreman, Your father wants to know if you've been prayin'.
 Foreman, You don't have to just come out with it like that.
 Foreman, But I only want to know if you're okay.
Foreman," Sure, I'm okay."
 Foreman, You like it here? You have friends?
Foreman," Yeah. Everything is great, Mom."
 Foreman," That's why I brought the picture for you. I remember when you were little. You liked to look in the back of the math book, because Even it made no sense then, by the end of the year you'd understand it all."
Foreman, That's why you brought the picture?
 Foreman," You wanted to look ahead to see how far you'd go. Now you're a grown Man, I thought you'd might like to look back, to see how far you've come. It all makes sense now, doesn't it?"
Lupe, That isn't mine.
Foreman, It was in your closet.
Lupe, It belongs to this guy who used to live with me. [She's coughing.]
Foreman," You might want to let him know he's got arsenic poisoning. We should get a sample of his hair so we can see the extent ""�"
Lupe," But I don't do! I don't do drugs! [She starts coughing up blood, and then passes out.]"
Foreman, Get a crash cart in here! Respiratory arrest!
Lupe, Are you sure it isn't from the arsenic? Dr. Foreman said I was poisoned.
Cameron," Your hair showed only a trace amount, not enough to damage your lungs like this. We need you to stay still now."
Chase," 6 mm cuts, started at the apexes. Also, I just wanted to let you know, should you change your mind, I'll be available."
Cameron," Aren't you getting tired of hearing me say it? I have no intention of going out with you, having sex with you, doing anything with you, except work."
Chase," You don't have to make a big deal about it, I just thought I'd let you know. I decided Tuesdays would be a good day to do that."
Cameron," You did not suddenly fall in love with me. You were looking for something, and I happened to be st ""�"
Chase," Cameron, it's fine. No need to go on about it. Advancing through the lung bases."
Cameron, We need to put this behind us.
Chase, Understood.
Cameron, But you keep bringing it up!
Chase," You're the one who's still talking. Look, I'm not deManding anything from you, I'm not following you home, I've got no expectations. A gentle, polite reminder once a week is hardly stalking. There's a mass just outside the lingual."
Chase, Biopsy shows there are white blood cells in the walls of the blood vessels.
House, They're not supposed to get past the bouncers.
Cameron," It's got to be autoimmune, something lymposidic. White blood cells are attacking her own body."
House, The only question is what kind of autoimmune.
Foreman, Doesn't matter what kind.
House, It always matters what kind.
Foreman, Treatment is always steroids.
House," Treatment is always boring! Diagnosis is ""�"
Foreman," Okay. It's affecting the larger blood vessels, so it's gotta be giant cell arteritis. I'll start her on steroids. It's affecting her smaller blood vessels, it's gotta be lupus vasculitis. I'll start her on steroids. It's affecting ""�"
House," Yeah, got it. Start her on steroids."
Foreman, Good idea. [He leaves.]
House, Told you. That was boring. I gotta go out.
Cameron, Why?
House, Wilson's got a date.
Bonnie," It's got 15 foot ceilings, an open floor plan!. You know, I can't beliEve you called me."
House," Hey, I need a condo. Didn't you and Wilson have your first date around here?"
Bonnie," Wow, you remember where our first date was? I didn't think you were paying attention."
House, Really? He's my best friend.
Bonnie, Our first date was in Boston.
House, Oh. Not quite as close to here as I remembered.
Bonnie, But we're not here to talk about him.
House, Absolutely not.
Bonnie, Wait 'till you see the kitchen. All granite countertops!
House," Since I wasn't paying attention back then, what was it like dating him?"
Cuddy, So this is Hockney?
Wilson, No. I don't know what happened.
Cuddy, I'm sure you don't. I nEver knew your tastes were so ecletic.
Wilson," Oh, the Hockney exhibit finished on April 20th, I thought it was May 20th. Okay, my bad. This is not somewhere I'd bring someone on a date. Not that this is a date, obviously. I was just thinking! he's doing landscapes on multiple canvases now, and they're kind of peaceful, and you're always busy, and!"
Cuddy, Wow. I don't think I've Ever seen you embarrassed before.
Bonnie," Oh, it was nEver a date. I was coming off a bad relationship and he said we could go out as friends, you know, go see plays, go to a museum. I didn't think you liked Trenton."
House," Love it. So he'd say it's not a date, but then he'd jump you."
Bonnie," Oh no, he meant it. Wilson, carefully calibrating his lEvel of protectiveness for your individual needs."
House, Did you just compare Wilson to a tampon?
Bonnie," [laughing] No. It was very endearing. He really just wanted to be a friend, so I jumped him. The bedroom's through here."
Cuddy, That's such a bad idea. There's no way that won't cause damage to the large intestine.
Wilson, Are you keeping us here to torture me? [He looks closer at the art.] Is that a bicycle pump?
Cuddy, That's what I'm saying!
Bonnie," It's like walking into a sticky trap. Once you're the focus of all that attention, it's addictive. This unit's kitchen's got a chef's oven."
House, I cook a lot. Go on.
Bonnie," It's the emotional stuff that really sucks you in. He's just so knight-in-shining armor, you know? Always there to support you, until he's not, but by then you're hooked. Hey, do you think you could talk to him about taking the dog? He's the only one that Hector really gets along with."
House," Hey hey, we're here to talk real estate, not Wilson. So you're saying if you actually had sex before you connected emotionally, you'd have gotten over it."
Bonnie," Oh yeah, it seems weird, doesn't it? Because sex with James is fantastic. Nobody works harder to give a Woman what she wants. It's got six burners. The chef's oven."
House, Right.
Foreman, How're you feeling?
Lupe, That wasn't my crack pipe.
Foreman, You told me. Are you tired?
Lupe, I just took a hit off of it a couple of times. What's wrong with having a little fun?
Foreman, Your personal life is none of my business.
Lupe," You don't like me, though, do you?"
Foreman," That's your imagination. I've seen Every account of drug abuse! no offense, but you don't Even stand out of the pack."
Lupe," I'm betting you got money the same place you got attitude. You know, people who quit drinking and people who lose weight, they think they're better than the people who couldn't, and because you got out of the projects, you think that anybody who didn't is weak and stupid."
Foreman," I'm not judging you, now take a breath."
Lupe," The only difference between me and you is that I made some bad decisions, and you made some good ones."
Foreman," You make bad decisions Every day of your life. Stop doing drugs, stop having fun, go back to school and get your G.E.D."
Lupe," Yeah, where's the money coming from? The system's not set up for people like me. What are you staring at?"
Foreman, Your eyes. [shines a light in them]
Foreman, There's yellow in the sclera. Her liver's failing. Without a transplant she'll be dead in the next 48 hours.
Chase," We should increase her immunosuppressants and treat her more specifically ""� [drug name I didn't catch]."
Foreman, Give her more of what's not working. This is not an autoimmune disease.
Cameron, Her white blood cells are attacking her body. That's autoimmune.
Foreman," First brain, then lungs, now liver. All getting worse and all in two days. It's moving too fast! It's got to be cancer ""� lymphomatoid granulomatosis. It's rare Even by our standards, but it fits her symptoms. Explains why the steroids aren't working, the poor fingernail growth ""�"
Cameron, A lot of people have bad fingernails!
Foreman, A lot of people don't have three organ systems shutting down! Her blood vessels are taking this thing Everywhere. She needs total body radiation.
Cameron," We can't do anything until we can confirm ""�"
Foreman," Running those immunochemstries can take a week, she'll be dead by the time we ""�"
Chase, That doesn't make radiation any safer.
Foreman," Okay. Suppose Chase and Cameron are right. Suppose it's an autoimmune disease. What's the biggest danger of total body radiation? It suppresses the immune system, which is what we're trying to do with the steroids anyway!"
House," I don't usually put out on the first date, but I gotta say, that is a rad move. Get her consent. Start the radiation."
Foreman, The Patient is not too thrilled with me.
House, I'll get her consent.
Chase," Foreman's got a personality issue, so you're going to step in?"
House, Patient doesn't like Foreman. I'm interested.
House," Fatigue, hair loss, possibility of damage to the lungs, infertility. All possible side effects of radiation. Why don't you like Dr. Foreman?"
Lupe, He thinks he's better than he is.
House, How good is he?
Lupe, I don't know. Can we get back to what's wrong with me?
House, There's a small possibility of leukemia some time in the future. Hardly worth mentioning. You can't say he's better than he is if you don't know how good he is.
Lupe, No one's as good as he thinks he is.
House, I am. You might also get cataracts. Sign here.
Lupe, I don't know. You're telling me how dangerous this is.
House, We're saving your life. We're that good. Sign there.
Lupe, I can't decide.
House," Would you rather a pencil or a pen? Who's the better James Bond, Sean Connery or Daniel Craig? Now, you see, that's not Even a decision."
Lupe," It's happening again. I can't! I can't! [She passes out again. House presses the call button, and then sits and watches Lupe as he waits for the nurses to rush in.] Up her blood thinners, get her down to radiology. The attack will be over in 20 minutes. And then she'll want to sign this."
Wilson, Bonnie called last night to talk about the dog. Your name came up.
House," Good lord, how do you still have teeth?"
Wilson," She's the worst realtor in New Jersey. What is this, escalation? I go out with Cuddy, you hook up with my ex? I don't Even know what that's designed to do."
House, You're an addict. I'm saving you from yourself.
Wilson," By condo shopping, thank you."
House," If I can figure out where you keep going wrong, then I can nip this Cuddy thing in the bud before she becomes the fourth ex-Mrs. Wilson."
Wilson," Yes, I was worried there was no way to stop that train."
House, You have to have sex with Cuddy.
Wilson, Wait! to stop the train? [House nods.] Bonnie said [quietly] I'm bad in bed?
House," [loudly] Huh?! [normally] Yeah. She also said if she slept with you before she liked you, then it would have been easier to handle when you turned into the sorry bastard that left her alone."
Wilson," I told her you were wasting her time, by the way."
House, You think that's going to stop her? The Woman's the worst realtor in New Jersey.
Foreman, How do you feel?
Lupe," Weak, sleeping all the time."
Cameron, That's normal after radiation.
Foreman, Deep breath.
Lupe," A little queasy, too. When I feel sick to my stomach I always want vanilla ice cream, it's soothing."
Cameron, It's best to stick with liquids for now.
Foreman, Shhh. I'm getting a murmur.
Lupe," Oh, oh my arm! It's hurting me! Take it off! Take it off! [Cameron removes the blood pressure cuff, but Lupe keeps screaming.]"
Cameron, Pain isn't the issue. Just the pressure of the BP cuff was enough to start her screaming.
Chase, That's not cancer. It sounds like!
House, It sounds like she's septic.
Foreman, A lot of things can cause pain.
House, How much?
Cameron, Too much.
Foreman," It's not cancer, it's not autoimmune. It's an infection and we fried her immune system."
Chase, But she had no fEver. Her LP was clear.
House," Do an echo to confirm it's in her heart, and then I'll tell our Patient that we just killed her."
Foreman, I'll tell her.
Bonnie," Oh, great. You haven't been returning my phone calls."
House, I'm busy.
Bonnie," Well, um, but if you have half an hour this afternoon, I just found this unit, it hasn't been on the market yet ""�"
House, I'm off the market for condos.
Bonnie, James was right. I nEver had the teeniest chance of selling you anything.
House, Of course he was right. He doesn't stop giving good advice just because you're divorced. He's compulsive about remaining on good terms with his exes.
Bonnie, Do you want to know why I named that dog Hector?
House, No. Let's keep it a mystery.
Bonnie," Because Even when he was a puppy, he was the worst-tempered dog we'd Ever seen he. He was supposed to be House-trained, but he'd pee on the carpet Every morning. When we had people over, he would nip at their ankles. ""Hector does go rug""� is an anagram for ""Doctor Greg House""� ""� that's how early in the marriage I resented you."
House, Wow. Did I Ever waste money on that place setting.
Bonnie, James at least had the decency to feel guilty when he hurt me!
House," Whereas I nEver hurt you! I nEver Even married you, clEverly hoping to avoid moments like this one."
Bonnie," You always needed him, and he was always there for you!"
House," You keep yelling, and I'll think you owe me sex."
Bonnie," You knew he had a wife waiting at home, you didn't care. I'm not saying you broke up the marriage, but you didn't help."
House," First, ""Hector does go rug""� is a lame anagram. You want a better one for ""Gregory House""�: ""Huge ego, sorry""�. Second, find a new career. You're nEver going to sell to anybody if you let them control the agenda. And third, I don't owe you anything. I'm not Wilson, I'm not going to buy a condo just to make you feel better."
Wilson, You okay?
Foreman," Yeah. Tell me how to do this. House says people thank you after ""�"
Wilson, It's not typical.
Foreman, I already killed this Woman. All I can do now is not make any more mistakes.
Wilson," First of all, stop thinking you can minimize the hurt. A lot of people are afraid of the word 'dying' ""� if you pussyfoot around it, she's not going to read your mind."
Foreman, Okay.
Wilson," No, it's not. When you look in her face, you're going to feel the instinct to temporize. Crush it."
Foreman, Yeah.
Wilson," Then wait. Give her time to process the news. Let her know you'll be with her through all of it. Wait 'till she's done thinking, until you think it's appropriate, then maybe you can touch her, put your hand on her arm like this, let her know that she's still connected to another huMan being."
Foreman, You've got this down to a science.
Wilson, You're freaking out.
Foreman," I told you ""�"
Wilson, Give her what she needs. What she doesn't need is a doctor who's not there with her because he made the wrong call. You are freaking out. You should be freaking out.
Foreman, I won't let her see it.
Wilson, Let her see it.
Lupe, Hey. How come no mask?
Foreman, We think! we think you have an infection.
Lupe, Didn't the radiation work?
Foreman, It did what it was supposed to do. You're dying.
Lupe," What, what do you mean, like some day things are bad, and I'm gonna! [Foreman shakes his head.] How much time? How much time?"
Foreman, We can't know exactly.
Lupe, A year? Less than a year?
Foreman, Less than 24 hours.
Lupe," I don't understand. Why are you sayin' this to me, you tryin' to scare me? Why would you do that?"
Foreman, I'm sorry. It's true.
Lupe, How bad is this cancer? Yesterday you thought I had a chance.
Foreman, You don't have cancer. You came in with an infection. We didn't catch it.
Lupe, What kind of infection?
Foreman," It doesn't matter. The radiation was the worst thing we could have done. We destroyed the part of your body that was fighting it off. It spread to your heart ""�"
Lupe, Then give me drugs! They have drugs for infections.
Foreman," Antibiotics work with the immune system, but your immune system is non-existent because of the radiation."
Lupe," If it's my heart, you can get me a new heart. People have heart transplants all the time."
Foreman, It wouldn't help. The infection's Everywhere. There's nothing we can do. I'm so sorry. We've called your grandparents.
Lupe," Get the hell away from me! Get out! Get out! [Foreman leaves, rips his rubber gloves off, and punches a wall. Way to be, Foreman.]"
Cameron, I think it's broken.
Foreman, Nothing like a melodramatic gesture to solve Everything.
Cameron," We were wrong, too. Steroids wouldn't have helped her."
Foreman," I didn't help her, I pulled the trigger."
Cameron," There's nothing left for you to do. One of us could go home with you ""�"
Foreman, Are you trying to make me feel better?
Cameron, Yeah.
Foreman," I killed a Woman, don't you think it's appropriate I feel like crap for at least a little while?"
Cameron, It won't help you.
Foreman, Where is he?
Cameron, He went to the ICU.
Foreman, What are you doing?
House," Prepping for an aspiration. We still don't know what infection ""�"
Foreman, It's not going to help her.
House," It's not going to hurt her. Well, it is going to hurt her, but ""�"
Foreman, No.
House," This will just take a few minutes. Grab a piece of an abscess, some pus ""�"
Foreman, You really don't care.
House, You really don't care why she's going to be dead.
Foreman," She's going to be dead ""�"
House," WHAT? What did we screw up, what did we miss? I need to know."
Foreman, You'll have to wait. We're moving her back to her room.
Nurse, Patients who've had total body radiation have to stay in ICU.
Foreman, ICU isn't gonna help her. Let's give her some privacy.
Lupe," What do you want? Wanna see if I'm dying on schedule? Or do you want me to tell you it's all right, I'm okay with it?"
Foreman," I'd like your forgiveness, but I don't expect it."
Lupe," Good, 'cause this isn't like you ran your cart into mine at the supermarket."
Foreman," No. Your grandparents haven't arrived yet. If they don't make it on time, is there anything you'd like me to tell them?"
Lupe, NEver really knew them.
Foreman, You got any friends you'd like me to call?
Lupe," It's the middle of the night. They're not the kind of friends you call to ask you move, let alone watch you die. I nEver did much. No kid to leave behind. When I leave, the world's not gonna be any different. Kind of a relief for you, huh? [Foreman sits down next to Lupe. Shot of Wilson bringing House coffee in his office and sitting down with him, and then back to Foreman and Lupe.]"
Foreman, You were right about me.
Lupe," Yeah, which time?"
Foreman," I, uh, I had a pRoblem with you. But you were wrong, too. I've made some bad decisions. Stole cars, Robbed Houses."
Lupe, Killed a Woman.
Foreman," But then I got another chance. Left home, went to college, entered a whole 'nother world. And yet some part of me I can't get rid of thinks, ""If I'm not the smartest, if I'm not the first, Everywhere I go, they'll figure out I'm not supposed to be here.""� They'll send me back."
Lupe, You know that's not going to happen. You're out.
Foreman," I'll nEver be out of there. When I came home, that last Christmas I was in college, it was like! the rooms felt so small. It was so suffocating. But when I was standing on the stoop saying goodbye, my mom put her arms around me. That was the last time I Ever felt at home. I only put distance between you and me because I know there isn't any."
Lupe," You were right about me, too. That stuff about the system being against people like me, I know it's crap. I mean, it's true, but it's also crap. I just wasn't ready to try again. But I always thought I was young, I had time."
Lupe, Aren't you Ever gonna leave?
Foreman, No.
House, Yeah?
Foreman," Time of death, 3:35. Do whatEver you want."
Chase, You want to go get drunk?
Foreman, No thanks. I've got paperwork.
Chase," Listen, I don't! I don't know what I beliEve, but sometimes I need to think there's something out there paying attention. So when I can't talk to anybody, I talk to God, and pretend somebody's listening. We were all wrong, Foreman. Even House was wrong."
Foreman, I know.
Wilson, I got your consent.
House, Her bra hook.
Wilson, What?
House, She scratched herself with her bra hook. That's how the infection got in. Staph aureus.
Wilson, She died from a simple Staph infection?
House, That and some bad decisions.
Wilson, I'll be outside.
House," Go home, have a few drinks, go to sleep, get up tomorrow, and do it tomorrow, only better. If you need absolution, go to a priest or give alms to the poor, whatEver ritual comforts you."
Foreman, I killed her.
House," Yeah, me too."
Foreman," This wasn't, ""oh, I should have thought of that idea sooner""�. This wasn't messing up a dosage. We see a disease rushing down on someone like a train, we can't always get them out of the way. But this wasn't that."
House," No. And you'll do it again. To a lot of doctors, this would be a once-in-a-lifetime kind of mistake. But we're not a lot of doctors. We'll save a lot more Patients than the guy down the street, but a few of the ones he'd save by doing what Everyone else does we will lose."
Foreman, So you're giving me numbers?
House," Because they don't lie. I can't forgive you, Foreman, because there's nothing to forgive. [He leaves.]"
Wilson, What'd you tell him?
House, That guilt is irrelevant.
Wilson, You wanna get something to eat? [They get into the elevator.]
House, Can't. I've got a dog waiting at home.
 Foreman, What's wrong?
Foreman," I did something bad, Mom. I hurt somebody."
 Foreman, It wasn't your fault.
Foreman, It was.
 Foreman," Then I forgive you, I forgive you. [She gives him a hug.] I can see from your face, you'd nEver hurt anybody on purpose."
Foreman," Do you know who I am, Mom? It's Eric. [She nods, and gives him another hug.]"
 Foreman, Of course. My little boy's name is Eric. [Closing shot if off of Foreman trying not to cry into his mom's hair. Aww.]
CLAUDIA," Try not to be scared when you see him, okay?"
MATTY," [I'm ten, I'm fearless] Mom, I've seen him sick. I'm not scared."
CLAUDIA, This time's different.
CLAUDIA, Doctors gave him an extra course of radiation and chemo...
MATTY, [irritably] I know.
CLAUDIA," [over his shoulder, quietly] And you understand how proud we are of you, right?"
MATTY, [softly] Right.
CLAUDIA," [gesturing] Gloves, mask."
[SLOW MOTION," Claudia presses a button on a wall. A loud hissing sound is heard as pressurized air sweeps into the room. Finally, the hissing subsides and the door to the Protective Isolation Unit opens. Claudia and Matty walk up to Nick's (Matty's brother) room door.]"
SCOTT," [cheerful] Matty, you said you wanted to see your brother before the procedure."
NICK," [hoarse] I know I look like an alien, but... I-I promise not to eat your brain."
MATTY," When this is done, will you be able to play out back with me?"
NICK, I'll rip anything you put near the strike zone.
Wilson, Let your brother rest up while we take some of your marrow.
Wilson," You don't need to be in an isolation room, but I pulled some strings so you could be next door to your brother."
MATTY, How Many games will I miss?
Wilson," Well, you only have to be here overnight, but you do have to take it easy for a little bit."
MATTY, [complaining] I already missed two.
CLAUDIA, [admonishing softly] Matty.
Wilson, I know. It's okay. Musta been a drag. We just had to make sure you weren't exposed to any bugs. Because your healthy bone marrow is what's gonna cure your brother's leukemia--
House, [annoyed] C'mon.
Chase, He sneezed. Maybe it's just an allergy.
House, [reading] Not with an enlarged spleen and a fEver.
Wilson," He's got one of ten thousand possible infections. Even if it's just the common cold, I do the transplant, he kills his brother."
Chase, How long do we have?
Wilson," Radiation obliterated his immune system. Even in a clean room, he's only got... four, maybe five days left."
Cameron, No way we can solve this that fast. You need to find another donor.
Wilson, They're African-American. It makes it nearly impossible to find a full match.
House, [finishes writing] Tell me about it. I can't Even find the one I've got working for me. Where is Foreman?
House, Ha! Nothing like a dead Patient to send you back to your choir-boy roots.
House, Hey! You're not gonna beliEve what happened. Wilson just killed a kid the same way you did.
Wilson, He's not dead.
House, Five days are gonna fly by. He didn't look both ways before he nuked. [drums his cane on the ground] You done talking to your imaginary friend? Because I thought maybe you could do your job.
Foreman, [reading from the file] We should start the donor brother on broad-spectrum antibiotics.
House," Great idea, if you're looking to save exactly one kid. Broad-spec will take at least a week to work. We need narrow-spec. [looks at his cane, then to Wilson] How old is Hector?"
Cameron, Our Patient's name is Matty. His brother's Nick.
Wilson, Hector's my dog. He's about sEventeen.
House, SEventeen? That's like...a hundred and nineteen in huMan years. Why's he still alive?
Foreman," Five days minus twenty seconds talking about Wilson's dog. We need to start testing. Stool samples for parasites, antibody tests..."
Chase, Blood panel was negative for all the usual suspects.
House," That's 'cause the infection is too small. We start testing now, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. We draw blood, odds are we're just gonna come up with hay. We need to grow more needles."
House," Okay, that... pRobably needs further explanation. We make the donor kid sicker. We freeze him, we soak him, break down his immune system. Suddenly we're looking at some needle a camel can pass through the eye of."
Chase, Making him sicker risks spreading the infection all throughout his body.
House," True, but who cares? Once we know what the infection is, we'll know exactly how to treat it. As long as he isn't dead yet, we're cool."
Foreman," We should do what we normally do - Go to the kid's House, check for sources of infection."
House, Waste of time. You think it's in the House. I know it's in the Patient.
Foreman, Safer than intentionally making the kid sicker.
House, [beat] Fine. Go.
SCOTT, So e-exactly h-how sick are you gonna make Matty?
Wilson," He could get quite ill. This certainly won't be a pleasant experience for anyone, but it's our onl..."
House, [butting in] Ever get caught in the rain without an umbrella? That's all we're talking about here. Sign the form.
Wilson, It's a little more compliCated than that. We'll also be doing leukopheresis. We run Matty's blood through a maParkne that filters out his white blood cells.
CLAUDIA," But without his white cells, how can he get better in time?"
Wilson, We'll pump the white blood cells back as soon as we have a diagnosis.
Wilson, Then we should be able to cure the infection in time to do the transplant.
SCOTT, But you can't guarantee?
House," We're not GM! No recalls, no rebates. Any more questions while your son's life slips away?"
CLAUDIA, [to Wilson] You really think we should do this?
House," Yes! [to Wilson] Sorry, your Patient. You tell them."
Wilson, [sighing] This is your family. It needs to be your decision.
House," All you had to do was say, ""Yes, I do."" God knows that's a phrase you've used often enough in your life."
Wilson, It was a mistake Every time. Give it a break. They said yes.
House, That's not enough for you. You need them to feel good about saying yes.
Wilson," [arguing] I treat Patients for months, maybe years, not weeks like you."
House, [the argument-winner] I'm taller.
Wilson," If they don't trust me, I can't do my job."
House, The only value of that trust is you can Manipulate them.
Wilson, You should write greeting cards.
House, Giving parents the chance to make a bad choice was a bad choice.
Wilson, At least it would've been their choice.
House, One they'd regret at their son's funeral.
Chase," Kitchen and bathrooms were immaculate. WhatEver the kid's got, he didn't get here."
Foreman," [examining a swing set] No-o, whatEver the kid got, he didn't get from the kitchen or the bathroom. Nobody cleans swing sets."
Chase," Yeah, because their kid's ten and hasn't used it since he was six."
Foreman, You obviously think your time could be better spent. Why'd you come along?
Chase, Feel bad about what happened last week.
Foreman, I'm handling it.
Chase, Family's gonna sue?
Foreman, She only had her grandparents and they weren't close.
Chase," Well, that's good. For you, I mean. A lawsuit makes it Even harder to put behind you."
Foreman, You put yours behind you?
Chase, No.
Foreman," I woke up this morning, I-I couldn't remember what she was wearing when I admitted her."
Chase, [pitches] Memories fade.
FOREMMan, I killed her a week ago and I can't remember what colour top she was wearing.
Chase, [pitches] I was grateful when I could wake up not thinking about her.
Foreman, I'm not like you. Your Patient died because you were distracted over the death of your dad. I made a calculated decision. You acted like a huMan being. I acted like... House.
Foreman, Could be mucor or strongyloides in this dirt.
Chase," No pulmonary symptoms. He's setting well, breathing easily."
MATTY," [voice quivering] Mom, I'm freezing."
MATTY, How long do I have to...?
Foreman," Hey Matty, we found an old water pump in your backyard. You Ever drink from it?"
MATTY," [shivering] Yeah, it was gross."
Foreman," We gotta test for mycobacteria, leptospirosis."
Chase, When did you drink the water?
MATTY, L-Last summer?
Foreman, You sure? You haven't Even taken a sip to cool off?
MATTY, It was really gross. My shoulder's bugging me. Does that matter?
Chase, It could. Did you do anything to hurt it?
MATTY, Just threw the ball around the other day for a couple of hours.
Foreman, It's pRobably just a muscle ache. Let us know if it gets worse.
MATTY," So soreness and stuff, th-that's not 'cause I'm sick?"
Foreman, Something else bugging you?
MATTY, Sort of.
Foreman, He has acute scrotum.
House," Adorable! Please, I thought you were dignified."
House," Come on, how am I not supposed to make that joke? The best thing about big honkin' gonads -"
Foreman, Can Chase and Cameron cover that?
House, Mind if I ask why?
Foreman, I want to recheck the national marrow registry for an alternate donor.
House, In case we're wrong?
Foreman, It's been known to happen.
House, Fine. Go.
Cameron, Negative for E. Coli and TB. Why is House taking it easy on Foreman?
Chase, He deserves a break.
Cameron," Yeah, House is all about giving breaks to people in need."
Chase, No on klebsiella. [looks at her] And it's Tuesday.
Chase," It's got nothing to do with Foreman or House. It's just... It's the day I remind you I like you, and I want us to be together."
Cameron, [here we go again...] Thank you. I'd forgotten.
Chase, No on brucella and both viral antibodies.
Cameron, You're really gonna do this Every Tuesday?
Chase," You take the day off, I'll pick it up on Wednesday."
Chase, What if we're looking for the wrong thing?
Cameron, These are the only infections that cause swollen testicles. Why don't you just say it four times now and leave me alone for a month?
Chase, What if it's not an infection?
Cameron, His temperature's through the roof. There's mucus pouring out of him.
Chase," I know he has an infection, but what if it didn't directly cause the scrotum issue? What if it just caused the thing that caused the scrotum issue?"
Chase, CKMB is elevated.
Cameron, [picks up the file and reads it] Slightly. There's nothing wrong with...
Chase," [interrupts] IndiCates cardiac injury. We stuck him in that room, put his stupid little runny nose infection into hyperdrive. What if it went to his heart?"
Chase, Pulmonary valve looks clean.
Cameron, [sees something on the screen] Wait. Stop.
Cameron, Mitral valve. There's a growth. [looks ominously at Chase] He'll need a month of antibiotics to clear that. His brother only has four days to live.
Cameron, [voice-over] The infection in Matty's...
Cameron, ...mitral valve rules him out as a donor.
House, This is perfect.
Cameron, We drove the infection into his heart.
House," Okay. Perfect is too strong a word. But it's very, very good. Now we know where the infection is. All we gotta do is remove the valve, ID the infection, target and destroy."
Foreman, Remove the valve? He'll be fine on antibiotics. He doesn't need open heart surgery.
House, He'll be heart-broken on account of his dead brother.
Chase," Either way, he's got a dead brother. The infection isn't just in the valve. Even with targeted medication, there's no way we can clear his system in time."
House," We don't have to. We have to clear his marrow. After the surgery, harvest the marrow, marinate it in the targeted antibiotic, simmer and serve."
Wilson, Could work.
Foreman, It's insane!
Wilson, It is better than a dead brother.
Foreman, I'm running this by Cuddy.
House," [nods] Fine. Go. In fact, let's all go."
Foreman, This surgery is dangerous and life-altering. And clearly not in the interest of our Patient.
Wilson, It is if he likes his brother.
Foreman, We have a conflict of interest.
Wilson, The parents don't.
Foreman, Of course they do. They already sacrificed Matty's health to benefit his brother once.
Wilson, They made his cold worse.
Foreman, We screwed up his heart valve by making his cold worse.
Cuddy, [to House] Do you have anything to add to this Debate?
House," [not looking at up from his magazine] Wilson's right, Foreman's wrong, and your shirt is way too rEvealing for the office."
Cuddy, [to Foreman] What do you want me to do?
Wilson, We should call Parkld Services and have them appoint a guardian for Matty.
Cuddy, No. [to Wilson] Go explain the choices to the parents. And don't let House bully them.
Cuddy, House. Did he really think I was gonna do that?
House, I didn't.
Cuddy, Then why did you let him...?
House, Tried to cut him some slack.
Cuddy," [yeah, right] Nice of you."
House, I think he's got the yips.
House," Steve Blass, Scott Norwood, David Duval. All got the yips. Great athletes. Lost their confidence, and immediately started sucking."
Cuddy, And you're... giving him time to work through it?
House," Mm-hmm! Four days, then he's fired. You don't get better from the yips."
SCOTT, [softly] Open-heart surgery?
House," If you want both kids to live, it's the only choice."
Wilson," Due to the valve replacement, Matty will have to be on blood thinners to prEvent potential clots."
SCOTT, For how long?
Wilson, ForEver. He couldn't participate in contact sports because of the risk of haemorrhage.
CLAUDIA, [equally upset] What about the marrow registry? Maybe they'll find a match.
House, [cynically] Maybe they'll ride it here on a unicorn.
Wilson, I'm afraid finding a viable new donor isn't something we can realistically depend on.
SCOTT," [sits down heavily, dejected] Either we cripple one son or kill the other."
House, He won't be able to play baseball. But that doesn't make him a cripple.
SCOTT, [to Wilson] What should we do?
Wilson, You should protect your family as a whole. You should do the surgery.
House, That was awesome!
Wilson, [quietly] Shut up.
House, I gotta start pretending to care.
Wilson, I did exactly what Cuddy told us not to do.
House," No, you didn't. You did exactly what she told me not to do. You're completely in the clear."
House, You've gotta be kidding me. You're actually upset. You just said what you beliEved.
Wilson, I also beliEve in Patients making their own choices.
House, Because it lessens your guilt if things go wrong. You're not protecting your choices.
House, You're soothing your conscience.
Wilson," By that logic, a sociopath would make the best Patient advoCate in the world."
House, [calling out after him] Am I blushing?
Cameron, [to Matty] You ready?
MATTY, [quietly] Yeah.
NICK, Thanks.
MATTY, You'd do the same for me.
SCOTT, [encouraging] Don't worry. You're gonna be fine.
MATTY, [hopeful] Think I'll be better in time to pitch in the playoffs?
CLAUDIA, [leaning towards him] Maybe next season.
SCOTT, [watParkng them go] We should have told him.
CLAUDIA, He loves his brother. But if he understood what we were asking of him...
SCOTT, [arguing] He loves his brother more than he loves baseball.
Cameron, [interjecting] You did the right thing. Putting any part of this decision on him... it's impossible for you guys to deal with this. How's a ten-year-old supposed to do it?
SURGEON, Canula in place. Sutures are holding. [beat] We're all set to go. Switch him over to bypass.
House, [into phone] Yeah?
Wilson, [into phone] I didn't do the surgery.
House, [into phone] You woke me up to tell me that you're lazy.
Wilson, [into phone] We biopsied a piece before we started cutting.
House, [into phone] I'm tired. Get to the point.
Wilson, [into phone] We didn't replace the valve because the growth was fibrous tissue. It wasn't infectious. We gotta be wrong about...
House," [seeing something] Oh, God."
Wilson, [from phone] What? You know what's wrong with Matty?
House," [into phone, mock-concern] I think Hector's committed suicide."
Wilson, [into phone] What are you talking about?
House, [into phone] He took some pills.
Wilson," [into phone, humouring House] Is he alive?"
House, [into phone] He ate half my stash. Of course he's...
House, [into phone] He's stoned. I'll be right in.
House," Cut all the way into this kid's heart, and all we got was this lousy, non-infectious fibrous tissue."
Wilson, How did we miss this?
Cameron, Matty had a fEver. Got sicker when we suppressed his immune system. That all points to
House," Yeah, yeah, yeah."
House, Not our fault. Fibrous tissue! Something is turning his healthy heart valve to gristle.
Cameron," [recalling] Fibrous tissue, enlarged spleen, fEver. Could mean autoimmune."
Wilson, [hopeful] Autoimmune diseases aren't passed along in bone marrow. He can still donate. We
House, Lupus and Behçets are our best bet. Do an ANA and a pathergy test.
Foreman, Or... it could be infection.
House," My memory's not what it used to be, but didn't we just rule that out eight seconds ago?"
Foreman, Just because it's not what screwed up his valve doesn't mean it's not in his system.
House," Uh-huh, and it has the obvious advantage of making us right all along. A little disadvantage of making big brother dead."
Foreman, That's your argument? Better outcome?
House, [pointedly] It fits.
Foreman, The family has one kid with leukemia and one with autoimmune. Wouldn't stand next to them in a rainstorm.
House, That's your argument? It sucks for them?
Foreman," It fits, and we can still help big brother. National marrow registry came up with a four out of six donors."
House," Six out of six is two better than four out of six, right? I mean, I know two is so small, but since it means that he's gonna get Graft vs. Host disease, the marrow will attack his body and he'll die a painful death. [to the others] Find out what autoimmune it is."
SCOTT, Is this autoimmune better o-or worse than a new heart valve?
Cameron," It depends on which autoimmune it is. With early detection, most are Manageable."
CLAUDIA, [softly] How long will the testing take?
Cameron, That's the other good thing about this. There's literally thousands of possible infections but only a handful of autoimmune conditions. We'll have the answer in a few hours.
NICK," Hey, doctor?"
NICK, Is this bad?
House, Wanna catch a movie?
Wilson, It's one in the morning.
House, I know a place. Although I wouldn't recommend wearing those shoes.
Wilson, How exactly does a dog unscrew a bottle of pills?
House, Is that a riddle?
Wilson, It requires an opposable thumb.
House, I must have left it off.
Wilson, On the floor?
House, I think he hopped upon to the bathroom counter.
Wilson, He has arthritis.
Wilson, Not me this time.
House," No! It's your damn dog! [holding up the top of the cane] He chews Everything! I was missing a file. Found paper in his stool. An original Sun record '78 Elvis recording - gone! Who the hell chews vinyl? He's vindictive. [beat] And he's had a good, long life. It's his time."
Cameron, Are you okay?
House, I just tripped over Wilson's self-righteousness.
House, [cold-shoulders the helping hand] What d'you got?
Chase, Matty's negative for Everything. It's not autoimmune. So we're back to infection.
Cameron, Nick's starting to deteriorate fast. He's got bruising all over his arms.
Chase," Capillaries are leaking blood. If it happens in his brain, he's dead."
Cameron, We've got to go with the four out of six donors.
House," Hmm. Did I mention my concerns about four being less than six? Wilson's first wife ignored a similar issue. Of course, that time, it was only fatal to their marriage."
Wilson, It's either that or we start randomly testing Matty for infections. I know you hate the word random.
House, [getting up] Do it alphabetically. We're not doing that damn transplant. [looks around] Where's Foreman?
Foreman, We found a donor. It's not an ideal match. But four out of six still gives Nick a chance.
Wilson, A partial match transplant is extremely dangerous...
SCOTT, [interrupting] Dr. Foreman explained...
House, Did he also explain what sort of pain your son will experience if he gets Graft vs. Host
SCOTT, Yes.
House," Apparently, he didn't explain it vividly enough. Let me give it a whack."
CLAUDIA," He also explained that if we did nothing, Nick could start bleeding into his brain."
Wilson, Matty is a perfect match. Just give us a little more time to figure out...
CLAUDIA, How much time?
Wilson, Dr. House is the best diagnostician...
SCOTT, [interrupting pointedly] How much time?
Wilson, I don't know.
SCOTT, [starts to choke up] And Nick can start bleeding into this brain without any warning.
Wilson," Yes, but the chances of complications from a mismatch are..."
SCOTT, [softly] My boys have suffered enough. Get Matty better. And give Nick the transplant from the new donor.
Wilson, Foreman screwed us.
House, No! You screwed us.
House," What is the point in being able to control people if you won't actually do it? 'S like training a dog and then letting him go on your rug. Which, by the way..."
Wilson," [defensive] Once Foreman got his mitts on them, there was no way..."
House, [arguing loudly] You don't explain chances and pRobabilities. You lie to them. You tell them Foreman's a moron - which isn't Even much of a lie right now.
Wilson, You gotta to talk to him.
House, I got no pRoblem with what Foreman did.
Wilson, [angry] He undercut us and he may have cost that kid his life!
House," [mad] Well, he did what he thought was right! You, on the other hand, sucked out! When the decision really mattered, you didn't have the guts to tell them what to do! 'F that kid dies, it's because Foreman was wrong AND because you're a coward!"
[CGI POV," The camera zooms towards the needle and into the Man's bone. The needle pierces through the bone, sending small bone fragments around. The needle starts to aspirate the marrow. The marrow flows quickly through the needle, as we...]"
House," [top of his voice] Oh, goodness! I've left my door open! My poor dog must've run away and been hit by a car or... truck. [hopeful] Or train."
House, [Even more hopeful] Or an anvil.
House," [oh, joy...] Thank God. You're still here. [top of voice again] He's still here!"
House, Where's my stereo?
Cameron, How you feeling?
MATTY, [scratParkng his right ear] A little itchy.
MATTY," It's weird, huh? You still have no idea what's wrong with me, but [points] those meds will make me better."
Cameron, We put you on a variety of medications that'll fight all kinds of infections.
MATTY," Nick, you know exactly what's wrong with him, maybe he's gonna die anyway."
Cameron," Hopefully, the new marrow will..."
MATTY," I can't go in there, can I?"
Cameron, [softly] Your infection would kill him.
MATTY, [morosely] So I won't be able to be with him when he dies?
Cameron, [trying to be encouraging] You'll... be able to be with him when he gets better.
Cameron, What's wrong?
MATTY, [exhales heavily] It really itches.
House, [deep voice] Hello?
Wilson, Why am I meeting you here?
House, Paying for my new cane. It was your dog.
Wilson," So that's it. You call me a coward, life goes on."
House, Apparently. Showed up.
House, Hey.
House, [beat] I'm sorry.
Wilson," [nods, softly] Okay."
House, You're pathetic. I didn't actually mean that.
Wilson," [shrugs] Yes, you did."
House," No, I didn't. To infinity."
Wilson," Yes, you did. You're pathetic."
House, [into phone] Yeah. [listens] When? [listens] What did the lab say? [listens] Uh-huh?
Wilson, Why don't you buy your cane in a medical supply store like a normal cripple?
House, [to Wilson] Fewer bitParkn' choices. [into phone] Okay.
House, What do you got in bitParkn'?
SALESMan, Right this way.
House, [taking off the hat] That was Cameron. The kid that wasn't all that sick is now all that sick. He's bleeding out of his ears.
Wilson, Blood counts?
House, Down.
Wilson, SParkstocytes on the smear?
House, His body's not making new blood cells. His bone marrow's crashing.
SALESMan, This is one of our top sellers.
House, It's a little too Marilyn Manson in a retirement home. [returns it; to Wilson] Meds are suppressing his bone marrow.
Wilson, Or the infection's doing it.
House, [impressed] Very cool.
SALESMan, Genuine bull penis stretched over a metal rod.
House," Penis canes are murder. [hands it back, points] Let me see the one on the end."
SALESMan, You got it.
House," [to Wilson] You need to stop Matty's meds. The marrow rebounds, it's the meds. If it doesn't, it's an infection."
Wilson, And if it's the infection?
House, Maybe I was wrong about which kid's gonna die.
CUE MUSIC, [Highway to Hell - AC/DC.]
House, BitParkiiin'.
Cameron, [might as well get it over with] Flames.
House," [swinging it up] Makes it look like I'm going fast. Now, how's our dying kids?"
Chase, [tired] Nick's dEveloped blisters all over his feet and legs. He's got grade four Graft vs. Host.
Wilson, Increase his dosage of methylprednisolone.
Chase, Already did. It's not working.
House, [to him] Feeling guilty?
Foreman, I did the right thing.
House," Always a comfort. Okay, what's the other kid's status?"
Wilson, We're done with Nick?
House, God is done with Nick. We know what he has. We know how to treat it. We're doing it. It's not working. Life is for the living.
Chase," Matty's been off his meds for a few hours, but his blood count's still tanking. It means the meds aren't to blame. It's the infection."
Cameron," If we don't get this under control, his blood will literally turn into water."
House, Cultures still aren't growing anything.
Foreman, Why not?
House," Because you did the right thing. Convinced the parents to treat the kid. All you did was yank the weed out of the ground. It's roots are still killing your beautiful lawn. We just can't see it. And if we can't see it, we don't know what it is. And if we don't know what it is, we can't kill it. You gotta wait for it to grow back again. [sighs] Now his soil is arid. So he and his brother will be dead by the time..."
House, What if the dandelion was in fertile soil? [turns to the others] What if we take the roots from Matty and put them in Nick? Turn the kid into a petri dish? Only better. A petri dish can't tell you when it hurts.
Chase, You want to give him his brother's infection? The very thing we've been trying to avoid since the brother sneezed?
House, Leukemia kid's got no defenses.
Cameron, Which is why he'll die.
House," But before he does, the infection will spread, fast. Fast enough to tell us what it is. In time to save his brother."
Wilson, Do you see any other way?
Wilson," [slowly and expressive] The infection is decimating Matty's bone marrow. But... if we give that marrow to Nick, his symptoms could let us diagnose Matty."
CLAUDIA, But it'll kill Nick.
House, Yes.
SCOTT, [shocked] You're... you're saying we should kill one son to save the other?
House, Nick is gonna die either way.
SCOTT," [angry] You don't know that! I mean, he's in pain right now, but..."
Wilson, Nick's Graft vs. Host is not responding to medication.
SCOTT," [almost inaudible, pleading tearfully] It can change. May-maybe he'll-he'll rally. Hey, my Nick is a fighter."
House, Graft vs. Host is not gonna go away because of Nick's sunny smile and positive outlook.
CLAUDIA, [fighting to stay calm] Nick has survived three reoccurrences of his leukemia.
House, He's being torn apart from the inside out. His pain's gonna get worse and worse until he dies. You're just dragging it out. [beat] You have only one decision to make - to leave here with one dead son or two.
House, Tell 'em.
Wilson, [nods somberly] You should let us do this.
CLAUDIA, NO!
SCOTT, We're not giving up on Nick. [firm] Not!
House, Patients' parents apparently don't want to be parents anymore. [to Chase] You're a sneaky bastard. Any ideas how we get around this?
Chase, Court order?
House, [disappointed] That's hardly sneaky.
Foreman, We can still save Matty. Run more tests. Find out what infection is destroying his marrow.
House, Ten thousand possible infections. At least twenty minutes per test. Take you approximately eight years.
Foreman," Actually, four months, assuming the last one I test is the right one. If it's the first, it'll take me approximately twenty minutes."
Wilson, [wearily] He's right. It's worth a shot.
House, He's timid. Testing blindly is not gonna save this kid.
Foreman, [cynically] But standing around here will.
House," Wow, he sure is hurting."
SCOTT, [choking] Nurses say he maxed out on his pain meds.
House, [pulling out his scrip book] If I had a nickel for Every time I heard that.
House, Pharmacy's on the ground floor.
SCOTT," [leaning towards Nick] I'm gonna go get you some more pain medication, okay?"
NICK, [in extreme pain] Thank you.
House, It's not gonna help. You're dying. Nothing's gonna change that. Drugs'll just make you go easier.
NICK, [breathing heavily] I know.
House," Fourteen years on the planet. Most of them spent suffering. Dying before you Even got to drive a car, take off a girl's bra, drink a beer. BeliEve me, there's plenty you haven't done. Really good stuff. [beat] Must make it hard to beliEve in God or... fairness, a larger purpose. [beat] But your life doesn't have to be meaningless. You can save your brother."
NICK, How?
Foreman, Negative for CMV.
Wilson, Negative for amoebas. House called you timid.
Foreman, He's called me a lot worse.
Wilson," To him, there is nothing worse. He's gonna fire you."
Foreman," [ignoring it] Even if we run a hundred tests, that only gives us a one percent chance of saving these kids."
Wilson, Better than zero. You don't care if you get fired?
Foreman," [still circumventing the topic] I don't know, there's got to be a way to better our odds from ninety-nine percent chance of death."
Wilson, You gotta know.
Foreman," It's not food-borne, because no one else in the family is sick."
Wilson, Either you care about your job or you don't.
Foreman," Matty's the only one who drank from that water pump in the backyard, but we eliminated pseudomonas and cholera."
Wilson," If you care, you fight to keep it. If you don't, you quit. [finally getting back to Matty's case] I thought they lived in the suburbs."
Foreman, They do. Why?
Wilson, They've got a water pump?
NICK," Please, I wanna do it."
CLAUDIA," [gently] No, Nicky. It's not your decision."
NICK, I'm dying. There's nothing that's gonna change that.
SCOTT," [barely keeping it together] Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey. Don't say that, okay? You can't give up."
NICK," It's time for me to go, dad. [beat] You gotta let me go."
SCOTT," [crying, pleading] No. Please, son."
SCOTT, I can't. I can't. [fiercely] I can't!
NICK, [looking at his brother] I'll do it for Matty.
NICK, [choking] I'll do it for you guys... so you won't be alone.
Cuddy, Are you sure?
SCOTT, [sighing] No. But he is.
Foreman, Get Nick back to the clean room!
Cuddy, The parents agreed to infect him.
Foreman, We figured out what's wrong with Matty.
Foreman, Histoplasmosis.
SCOTT," W-what is that? I mean, why did it...?"
Foreman, Fungal infection. Grows in Parkcken feces. The dirt that Matty used to build his pitcher's mound must have sat under a Parkcken coop. Your whole neighborhood was built on top of farmland. We didn't test for it earlier because we...
CLAUDIA, [interrupting with newfound hope] Can you fix him?
Foreman," Full course of amphotericin, and he should be fine."
SCOTT," [still hopeful] And Nick? I mean, can you clean Matty's marrow, um, just like you were talking about doing it, but do it fast and-and get it into Nick?"
Cuddy, I'm sorry. The reason Matty is so sick is because the infection is attacking his marrow. He doesn't have enough left to safely take from him and give to his brother.
MATTY, [incredulous] I'm going to get better now? That's it?
Foreman, That's it.
MATTY, And what about Nick?
Foreman, Your brother was willing to risk his life to save you. Are you willing to do that for him?
Foreman, I... can't sedate you. You're too sick.
MATTY," [beseeParkng] Please, please stop. [crying] Please, please. You're done, right?"
Foreman, [not ready to stop now] Sorry. I need a lot more.
MATTY,No! Stop! [screaming] Stop!
House, How much heat are you taking from the parents?
Wilson," They're calming down. I think it has something to do with both their kids being alive, awake, and eating. The marrow transplant took."
House," Welcome back, Foreman."
Wilson, You should talk to him.
House, Tell him how proud I am?
Wilson," Hey, if you're ashamed of him, you can tell him that."
House," Pride and shame only apply to people we have a vested interest in, not employees."
Wilson, How Many hours a day do you have to spend with someone before they're basically family?
House," Good point. [gets up] But first, I gotta tell Cameron and Chase that they're violating God's will."
Wilson, I'm just asking you to have an adult conversation to let him know...
House, ... he did a good job? He knows it. Adults don't need adult conversations. Just like I don't need this conversation.
Wilson, [sighing] Have you killed Hector yet?
House, Obviously not.
Wilson, Oh. He's quiet. He's... [recognizes the new chewtoy] Is that my stethoscope?
House, [sarcastically] Bad dog!
Wilson," Listen, Bonnie joined her home owners' association and staged a coup. Pets are now allowed. If you want to keep him, she wants a new puppy anyway. She'll understand."
House, Why would I want to keep him?
Wilson, You're sure?
Wilson," [turns to Hector] Come on, boy."
CUE MUSIC," [""Ain't No Reason"" - Brett Dennen.]"
House, [shrugging] Accidents happen.
House, Candy?
House, Good boy.
House, [bites] Good boy.
House, [sighs] You did good.
Foreman, I did what you would have.
House," Well, maybe I'm biased, but--"
Foreman, I tortured the kid.
House, Because you knew it was right. You knew you were saving his brother.
Foreman," [pensively] I know. I don't like that I know. I hate that I can listen to a kid screaming in pain and not Even take a moment to question whether I'm doing the right thing. I hate that in order to be like you as a doctor, I have to be like you as a huMan being. I don't want to turn into you."
House, [smirks] You're not. You've been like me since you were eight years old.
Foreman, [turns to face him] You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks' notice.
GUY, [While picking himself up. Annoyed.] She almost took my head off.
TEACHER, Your fault. You didn't guard your left side. [Gets them started again with more Japanese.]
TEACHER, [Stops them.] Point.
TEACHER," [Having to step in.] Stop, stop, stop! [Addie sits on the ground breathing heavily and coughing up blood.] You're bleeding."
GUY, I nEver Even hit her.
House, [Smiling.] Morning. This is funny [Holds up his coffee and starts to read the side.] People don't...
Cameron," Not done reading, go away. [House goes back into his office. Ducklings continue to read the file.] Most likely she coughed it up, which would mean it's from her lungs. Drugs, toxins, infection?"
Foreman," No fEver, no elevated white count, which rules out infection."
Cameron," And blood panels found no drugs, no toxins."
Chase," Bronchoscopy was pristine, so much for the lungs."
House, [Comes back out.] Good morning.
Chase, Not yet. [House goes back to his office.]
Cameron," So then the blood came from her stomach, which would mean it's an ulcer or a GI bleed."
Foreman, ER also ran an upper and lower GI. No occult blood in her stool.
Chase," Which means no ulcer or GI bleed. Which means it's not from her stomach, either. Which means it didn't come from anywhere."
House, [Comes back out.] You guys get to the point where the blood didn't come from anywhere?
Foreman," Rupture in her sinus cavity, dripped through the back."
House, Not that much blood.
Chase, Trauma from karate?
House, No trauma. She kicked the other guy's ass.
Cuddy, Now a good time?
House, If you can tell me how blood can mysteriously appear in a!
Cuddy, Now. [To Foreman.] This includes you. [All 3 head off towards House's office.]
Cameron, What's going on?
House, [Closing the door.] Feel free to speculate amongst yourselves.
Cuddy, [To Foreman.] Are you sure?
Foreman, Yeah.
Cuddy, Why?
House, He's afraid of turning into me.
Cuddy, Well that's a good enough reason. [Hands Foreman a form.] Sign here.
Chase, Doesn't look promising.
Cuddy, Good luck.
Foreman, Thank you.
House, That's it? You're not going to tell him that we're a family and families don't abandon each other?
Cuddy, You want me to?
House, No.
Cuddy, [To Foreman.] Would it make any difference?
Foreman, No.
Cuddy," Good luck, Dr. Foreman. [Hugs Foreman then leaves.]"
House," So, where were we?"
Chase, College sophomore coughing up blood.
House," Not the case, the speculation. The palace intrigue. The rising self-doubts. Did Foreman get a promotion?"
Foreman, I resigned.
Cameron, What?
House, Personally I can't beliEve I've had the same three employees for three years.
Chase, Patient could have a heart pRoblem.
House, Yes. Life goes on. Look at the eager beaver combing his hair.
Chase," Hyperdynamic heart could force too much blood into her lungs, she coughed up the overflow. Wouldn't leave a trace in her lungs because it's travelling through normal plumbing."
House," Foreman, go do a stress echo test to see if he's right. Cameron, check out the dorm and redo the ER labs. [Ducklings leave.] [Calling out after them.] I'll get going on Foreman's farewell party. Everybody good with a mermaid under the stars theme? [They all give him a weird look and then continue leaving.]"
Chase," So, why are you leaving? Or is it just some sort of power play?"
Foreman," You can have my Parking space, my locker."
Chase, Is it about House?
Foreman," [Sarcastic.] Let me get all sensitive and confide in you. [Pushes the microphone button.] Addie, pedal harder. Need your heart rate at 170. [Addie pedals faster.]"
Chase, Why wouldn't you want to tell me?
Foreman," I don't like you. NEver have, nEver will. You want me to share some more?"
Chase," Even if you do hate me, if you found another job you'd tell me. If House did something to drive you out of here, you'd tell me. The fact that you won't tell me means whatEver the real reason is, you're ashamed of it."
ADDIE, Guys? I'm at 170. [Stops pedalling.]
Chase, Pulmonary artery looks good. [Looks at Foreman through the glass.] It's not a heart pRoblem. [Notices something.] Are you cold?
ADDIE, No.
Chase, Scared?
ADDIE, I'm ok. Why?
Chase, On your arm.
Chase, Addie has goose bumps.
Foreman, Oooh. No recovering from those babies.
Chase, You don't have goose bumps for no reason. They're a reaction to the body thinking it's cold.
Foreman, She wasn't cold her temperature was normal.
Chase," Her body thought it was, which means!?"
Foreman, What? A brain pRoblem? Messed up hypothalamus could cause goose bumps but they're not going to cause her to cough up blood. She has no neurological issues. She had a shiver.
House, I think there's an infection.
Foreman," We've ruled out infection because no fEver, no white count. [They stop in front of Wilson's office."
House," I think there's an infection. Blood goes where it's needed. Infection likes nice, wet places, her lungs. Start treatment. All that cool stuff for bacterial, fungal and atypical infections. Get a lung biopsy, I want to see the little bugger up close. [Foreman leaves, Chase starts to follow but changes his mind.]"
Chase, Why's Foreman quitting?
House, He wants to breed llamas. [Starts to walk towards Wilson's office.]
Chase," Interesting. [House turns around.] You're ashamed of the reason, too. [House smiles and continues on his way, Chase leaves in the direction Foreman did.]"
House, [Takes the coffee and sits down.] No one writes tamoxifen like you.
Wilson," Well, I use a G."
House, Foreman resigned.
Wilson, [Stops writing.] I'm sorry.
House, It's okay. No biggie.
Wilson, [Rolls his eyes.] Right. He give a reason?
House, He said he didn't want to end up like me. I had a brilliant retort. Can't remember what it was at the moment.
Wilson, You don't want to end up like you.
House, Good point. Can I resign? [Wilson yawns.] What's up with that?
Wilson, With what?
House," You yawned. I just told you something interesting, so you're not bored. It's 11 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking coffee, so you're not tired. I didn't yawn, so it's not a mirror-neuron reaction. Which leaves symptom, vasovagal issue, maybe a heart pRoblem?"
Wilson," My heart's fine, I was up late. You're just deflecting having a conversation about Foreman."
House, I'm ok with Foreman leaving.
Wilson," Either you're lying, or you don't really think he's leaving, or you just jumped right to acceptance. [House yawns.]"
House, Sorry. I yawned because I was trying to communiCate boredom.
Wilson," You could try bargaining with him, give him a raise."
House, How much do you think it would cost to make him want to be like me? [Silence.] Thanks for the coffee. [Leaves.]
Cameron, She seems fine.
House, She is fine.
Chase, She coughed up blood.
House, Past tense.
Cameron, She has diarrhoea.
House, From the antibiotics for the infection.
Foreman, Lung biopsy says she doesn't have an infection.
House," Well, then, you screwed up the biopsy."
Chase, Or you're wrong about infection.
House," Well if I'm wrong, then so is her body, because it obviously thinks she's got an infection or it wouldn't have gotten better from the antibiotics. What is pandiculation symptomatic of?"
Foreman, Yawning is a symptom of fatigue or cholinergic excitation.
Cameron, Does this have anything to do with Addie?
House, Lets say yes.
Chase," Cerebral tumour, epilepsy! Could also be a medication reaction to antidepressants or some meds for end stage liver failure."
House, Lets say no.
Chase, You don't want to leave this job. Three years you've been here and you've nEver once laughed at anything he's said.
Foreman, Because I wasn't kissing his ass.
Chase," But now you are? No, now you're nervous, uncomfortable about your decision. It wasn't Even that good a joke."
House, Oh crap.
Chase, Most of your jokes are excellent. [Cameron rolls her eyes.] I just meant in comparison.
House, Shut up. I think she may not have an infection. You better deal with her before she crashes.
JODIE, She can't breathe.
Cameron, Get off the bed.
Chase, We need a crash cart.
BEN, What's happening?
Chase," Let's get her down, now."
Foreman, Pressure is collapsing her lungs. She's not getting any air.
JODIE, Oh my god.
Chase," She couldn't breathe because she had a pleural effusion. Thoracentesis rEvealed low protein count. Effusion was transudative, which means she has cirrhosis of the liver or she's in heart failure."
Foreman," Heart was fine, liver enzymes were normal."
House," [Looking at the chart.] There's something called blued in the pleural effusion. [Looks closer.] Oh, it's not blued, it's blood. Which is great. Well not for her, but for me. Because it means I think it's an infection."
Chase, Labs indiCated minute traces of blood.
House," Can't ignore the blood because it's a minority, can you, Foreman?"
Cameron," If we count the traces of blood as significant, the differential isn't just infection. It could be lung cancer, breast cancer, lymphoma."
House," Great. Go tell her she's got one of those. Or you could tell her we haven't given her enough antibiotics for her INFECTION. Double the dose, and check her lungs."
Chase," We checked her lungs, they're clean."
House, [Leaving.] On the outside. She needs an arteriogram.
Steve, It's about my bowel movements.
House," What isn't, these days? [Shuts the door. Points to Steve's girlfriend, Honey.] You sure you want to be here for this?"
Steve, We do Everything together.
House," Of course. The toilet can be a lonely place. Drop your pants, I'll suit up."
Steve, [Dropping his pants.] They float.
House, Huh?
Steve, My bowel movements. Honey says they're not supposed to?
Honey, I'm a nutritionist. [Smiles.]
House," Yes, I could tell from the cool toe-loop sandals."
Honey, Thank you.
House, You're welcome. [They smile at each other.] And the natural fibre clothing I assume means some kind of vegetarian denomination?
Steve, We're vegans. At first I was a little concerned about the lack of protein but Honey showed me you can get it from lots of...
House," Well, whatEver floats your poop. And you've been together how long? 6 months?"
Honey, How'd you know?
House, Because after 6 months poop love fades and if you've been together shorter than that then... I'll explain right after this break. [Leaves.]
House, Three 10-milligram pills of your finest amphetamines. [Signs the book.]
Cameron, Arteriogram was normal.
Chase, Which means her lungs are fine.
House, What if the clear arteriogram is significant?
Foreman, It is significant. It means there's no infection.
House, I think there's an infection.
Cameron," Infections don't come and go, people don't get better then worse on the same treatment."
House, Unless her body can't finish off the fight � maybe goes a couple of rounds then gives up.
Chase, Why would it give up?
House," Maybe its name is Foreman. [Looks at Foreman, no reaction.] C'mon... where's that smile? That laugh that makes the whole world sunny without contributing to global warming? [Chase laughs, they look at him, he stops and looks down, embarrassed.] Maybe she's missing a protein."
Cameron, Blood panel and enzymes show her proteins are normal.
House," You can't have tested for Every protein, I can think of at least one you can't test for at all."
Chase, Complement factor-H deficiency. But if she has that she's dead. No way to fend off bacteria. She'll get one infection after another until her body shuts down.
House, Maybe we can get ahead of the game. Manage each symptom as it comes up. Give her five miserable years instead of six miserable months.
Foreman, There's no diagnostic test for complement factor-H deficiency.
House, So we isolate the cells that are yummiest for it. Stick a needle in her eye. [Takes the pills and goes back into the exam room.] [To Steve.] You're cheating on Honey.
Steve," What? No, I'm not."
House," Oh, yes you are."
Honey, [Looks disappointed.] It's ok. I get it.
House," [Confused.] Well I was going to say relax but, oddly enough, you seem pretty relaxed already."
Honey, You're accomplished. You're funny. You can have whatEver you want. Women are going to...
House," He's not cheating with another Woman, he's cheating with another food group."
Honey, [Angry.] What?
House, His floaters float because they're full of fat. PRobably had a big cheeseburger for lunch.
Honey, You're eating flesh?
Steve, It's just a hamburger. Not all the time...
Honey, You're disgusting.
Steve," Soy cakes taste like cardboard, unsalted cardboard."
House, I'm accomplished. I'm funny. Can I have whatEver I want? [Steve is shocked. Honey smiles.]
ADDIE, Can we wait a second?
BEN, What's wrong?
ADDIE, I feel good. Do you really need to put that needle!?
Chase, You felt good yesterday and then you almost suffoCated.
ADDIE, And you know that that thing is in my eye?
Chase," I think it could be. If we find it, our hope is that we can treat it."
JODIE, You hope?
ADDIE," Mom, don't hang on Every word."
JODIE," He said he hopes, that means he doesn't know. I just want to understand what's going on."
Chase," We wont know anything until we do the test. Addie this all looks really scary, but you'll feel nothing, ok?"
ADDIE, Ok.
House, You rang?
Wilson, You called me.
House, I bought you an espresso. [Wilson checks his pocket for his wallet and gives House a weird look.] You've been buying me coffee for a couple of weeks I thought I'd pay you back. [Holds out the coffee on his right to Wilson.] With one.
Wilson, [Suspicious.] How did you walk with the cane and the two coffees?
House, [Laughs.] Why are you suspicious?
Wilson," Because it's either that, or accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I have to deal with the horsemen and the rain of fire and the end of days."
House," [Laughs again.] What, you think I spat in yours?"
Wilson, Or worse.
House," I stacked them. [Puts the left one on top of the right and lifts it up to demonstrate, then puts the left one down again and holds out the right one to Wilson.]"
House," What do you think of me hiring a nutritionist instead of a neurologist? I mean, they sound almost the same."
Wilson, I take it you've met a hot nutritionist.
House, Don't cheapen this. We had an in-depth conversation about proteins and fats. I was about to examine her boyfriend's rectum.
Wilson, You asked for a date while your finger was in her boyfriend?
House, Got her number.
Wilson," No, no. No way. [House pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Wilson.] This is an employment application. She doesn't want to go out with you she's looking for a job. Oh, God. She's 26."
House, But with the wisdom of a much younger Woman.
Wilson, Have you spoken to Foreman?
House, SEveral times. We laugh...
Wilson, You're going to lose him.
House," And that will be depressing. But it will only make me appreciate all the good things that I do have. [House goes into the Diagnostics Office, Wilson leaves.]"
Chase," Macular biopsy was negative, which means you're wrong. There's no complement factor-H deficiency."
Foreman, Most likely cause of altering blood flow in the brain is a clot or a tumour.
Cameron, We can rule out a clotting issue because she has a bleeding issue.
Foreman, Which means we should be looking for a tumour.
House, I think there's an infection. Just because the cells in her eye aren't dead yet doesn't mean they're working.
Chase, So why did we do the test.
House, Because if it had been positive it would have proved I was right.
Chase, But negative doesn't prove you wrong.
House, [Smiling.] That's the beauty of the test.
Foreman, She needs an MRI of her brain.
House," Absolutely. [Ducklings start to leave.] As long as you're scanning, you mind having a boo for an abscess or something caused by an infection? [Ducklings leave.]"
Foreman," I didn't expect House to beg me to stay, but it seems like he's in a better mood since I quit. Nothing in the axial view. You haven't asked me why I'm leaving."
Cameron, Figured you'd tell me when you wanted to.
Foreman, I don't want to be like him.
Cameron, You're not a jerk.
Foreman, [Laughs.] Thank you.
Cameron," I mean... sometimes you are, but I don't think we can pin that on House. [Smiles.] And you're a better doctor than when you came through the door."
Foreman," Better at some things, worse at others."
Cameron," Again, not House's fault. It's a job. You're supposed to take the good and leave the bad."
Foreman, It's easier for you.
Cameron," Why, because you think I need to toughen up? You think I'm weak?"
Foreman," Yeah. See? I am a jerk, I've got to get out of here."
Cameron, What's wrong Addie?
ADDIE, My head hurts!
Foreman," Brain's clean, no tumour and no abscess. We're all wrong."
ADDIE, My head. [Starts screaming. Cameron gets her out of the maParkne.] My head! [The camera pans round to rEveal her head. Open. Bleeding. We can see her brain.]
House, Grody.
Foreman, Looks like massive tissue death.
House, Who cares? Her head blew up. How cool is that?
Cameron, It's not pusy.
House," [Turns the camera on Cameron.] Meaning you don't think it's an infection, and you'd be right, if you weren't wrong. [Puts the camera back on the open head.]"
Foreman, Here we go again.
House," She's got infections that come and go, which means..."
Cameron, It means it has to be something else!
House," Good guess, but no! Means either she's got a leprechaun in her colon which is playing with the doggie door, letting bacteria in and out or... she got complement factor-H deficiency. [Puts the camera on Foreman.]"
Foreman, You enjoying this?
House," I'm saving a Woman's life. [Puts the camera on himself.] I'm saving a Woman's life. [Camera back on the head.] Actually I'm diagnosing her. Technically I'm diagnosing her with something that's going to kill her but, other than that, I'm saving her life. [Turns the camera off.]"
Chase, An autoimmune pRoblem makes more sense.
House, You can't explain transudative pleural effusion with giant cell arteritis. You'd need three whiteboards and 100 different coloured markers.
Foreman," No, it's much more likely she has an invisible protein that allowed bacteria to arbitrarily invade her lungs then arbitrarily invade her pleura then arbitrarily jump into her head."
Chase," If it's autoimmune she can live, but we have to give her steroids, now, before her heart ruptures."
House," If you're wrong, and you give her steroids, she dies, now. Foreman, want to run down how it feels to go with your gut and kill a person? You get into the whole spiralling out of control and self-doubt, resigning thing. [To Chase.] Do it. Worst that can happen is you quit. Cameron, want to explain to the parents why you'll be holding paddles while he's doing it? Because if her heart goes 'boom' it'll 'boom' right away. [Leaves.]"
BEN, She really has to be awake for this?
Chase, If there is a pRoblem she can tell us what she feels.
ADDIE, [Looks at her mother who is fighting back tears.] Relax.
BEN, We're scared.
ADDIE, I don't want you to be scared.
JODIE, Then get better. Ok sweetie? We love you.
ADDIE," Mom, I'm sorry."
Chase, Ready?
ADDIE, [Takes a deep breath.] Ready.
House, My Patient's about to have a heart attack. [Smiles.] It's going to be massive!
Cuddy, Oh well that's too bad cause I just got tickets to a stroke on the third floor. Have you had a conversation with Foreman?
House, [Pulls out some money.] Can you do me a favour?
Cuddy," You haven't, because then you would have to confront your own emotions."
House," Is bile an emotion? Cause I can definitely feel something here [Pushes his gut.] Get me some liquorice. [Shoves the money in the top of her pants.] This is going to be the best heart attack of all time. [Cuddy takes the money and starts to leave.] Oh! Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Cuddy comes back.] She's going to shock her. [Cameron looks at the monitors then puts the paddles away, the dad shakes Chase's hand, who looks reliEved. House looks disappointed.]"
Cuddy, [Gives the money back.] There's always tomorrow.
Foreman, You wanted to see me? [Wilson puts his hand up to say wait and continues trying to fix the label. Foreman leans over and has a look.] Pretty sure the label is straight.
Wilson, [Sticks down the label. Talking quickly.] Are you really going to leave? Where you going? You lined up interviews yet?
Foreman, I'm not sure.
Wilson, You're pissed at House! I get it you're symbolicating killing him. [Foreman raises an eyebrow.] Symbolicating? What? Symbolacolating. Gosh that's a hard word.
Foreman, Are you ok?
Wilson," Hey I'm not the one sym, I'm not the one sym, I'm not the one PRETENDING to kill someone what would it take for you to stay? Is it money? He wants you to stay!"
Foreman, He said that?
Wilson," If I said he said that would that make a difference? [Phone starts to ring Wilson picks it up immediately, before it finishes the first ring.]"
Foreman, Are you sure you're ok?
Wilson," [On the phone.] Hello? [Looks at his watch.] I'm leaving now. [Hangs up the phone, gets up and starts to leave.] I'm late for... a breast thing. You know he wants you. You know he's good. You know he can make you good. I don't know what I'm saying. You don't! I don't! You know what I'm saying, and you know I'm right. I got to go."
Wilson, [Talking extremely quickly.] Sorry it took me so long to get down here I'm Dr Wilson I guess Dr Stein's gone don't worry about it. I'll talk to him when we're done.
Patient, Dr. Stein said they're pRobably calcium deposits.
Wilson," Well, with your medical history you don't want to take any chances. [Looks at the scans and has great difficulty getting a glove on.] I can't seem to put on my gloves today. It's weird. [Laughs. Eventually gets the glove on.] Ok. Well, that's fine. One's enough. Well, lets have a look. [Starts to feel her breasts.]"
Patient, You sure talk fast.
Wilson, This is nothing. You should see me when we're busy. [Winks. She gives him a weird look.] I just winked at you. I just! I've nEver winked at a Patient in my life I have no id! I am so sorry. I have no idea what I was thinking.
Patient, It's ok.
Wilson," No, it's not. I was hitting on you, I mean I wasn't-I wasn't consciously hitting on you, but I! What else could you think?"
Patient, That you were being reassuring?
Wilson," Yeah, that would make sense on the other hand, I! [Starts breathing heavily.] I feel like my hearts going to explode. [Sits down.]"
Patient, Are you ok?
Wilson, I feel a little sweaty. Am I sweating?
Patient," Yeah. [Wilson starts to try and feel his pulse, with his glove still on.] Is something wrong?"
Wilson," I can't! I can't! [Realises his glove is on, takes it off.] I put on gloves to do a breast exam. Perfect. [Takes the heart monitor thing from her finger.] Sorry. [Puts it on his finger and watches the screen. Continues to breathe heavily. The monitor starts beeping. He stands up as he looks at it.] It's 185! 185! [Confused.] 185? [Thinks, suddenly realises what is happening.] Excuse me I have to go kill someone. [Leaves.]"
Wilson, You dosed me!
House," Yes... I did, but only because you didn't trust me! Your best friend."
Wilson, [Walks in] You could have killed me!
House, Amphetamines aren't going to kill you. [Shuts the door.]
Wilson, You don't know my medical history! I c-c-c-c... I could've... You could've given me a heart attack.
House," [Laughs.] Well, a heart attack is not going to kill you. You were in a hospital. [Wilson yawns.] Aha! You yawned!"
Wilson, Aha! You tried to kill me.
House," I put you on uppers and you still yawned. Means it's a symptom, of being a big fat liar. [Wilson rolls his eyes.] Yawning is a side effect of some antidepressants, apparently the ones you're on."
Wilson, I'm not on antidepressants I'm on SPEEEEEED!
House, Well that means it's a symptom of a cerebral tumour. You got six weeks to live. Mr. Well-adjusted is as messed up as the rest of us. Wh-why would you keep that a secret? Are you ashamed of recognising how pathetic your life is?
Wilson, It's not a secret. House it's-it's... it's personal!
House, How long has it been personal?
Wilson, It's personal!
House, Yawning's recent so! either you just started or you changed prescription.
Wilson, [Holds out his hands.] This is why I take them.
House," They're antidepressants, not anti-annoyance-ants. You'd think this would naturally come up in conversation with..."
Wilson, Oh don't act hurt. You don't care!
House, On one of those occasions when you're pompously lecturing me on what to do to fix my life.
Wilson," You wouldn't take them! You'd rather OD on Vicodin or stick electrodes in your head, because you can say you did it to get high. The only reason to take antidepressants is because you're depressed. You! you have to admit that you're depressed."
House, Give me. [Holds out his hand.]
Wilson, Are you going to admit that...
House, Nope. I'm going to prove that I'm not depressed.
Wilson, Haha. [Shakes his head]... Well I can't give you my prescription. You've got to meet with a psyParkatrist. You need a whole work up. [Breathing heavily.] Give me a Vicodin so I don't stroke. [House chucks him the bottle. Wilson pops a pill. And grabs a coffee cup off the side table. ]
House, I! wouldn't drink that. [Wilson stares at him.] My leg hurt and I! [points towards the bathroom. Wilson puts the cup down.]
Cameron, House. [House is startled awake.] Why didn't you pick up the phone? We've been calling.
House, I was sleeping.
Cameron, What did you do?
House, Nothing! This is how regular people look when you wake them up.
Cameron, Chase was wrong. Addie's kidneys shut down. [House half smiles.]
Cameron, Hemolytic uremic syndrome shut down Addie's kidneys. Peripheral smear of red cells had sParkstocytes.
House," Huh. HUS is usually caused by an infection or a protein deficiency. [Sits down and starts going through his mail. By going through I mean looking at the labels and throwing them in the bin.] What coincidence I know a Patient with an infection and a protein deficiency. You think it's possible there is a connection? [Gets to the last letter and starts to open it.] I want to hear you say it, Chase. It will please me."
Chase," Doesn't mean you're right. You predicted cardiac arrest, INSTANT cardiac arrest."
House," There were only two choices, since yours was wrong, mine must have been right. Either that or we missed the leprechaun."
Cameron," If you're right then there's nothing to be done. The steroid treatment we gave her means when the next infection hits it'll hit hard. Liver failure, cardiac arrest."
House," But on the bright side, it confirms my diagnosis. [Foreman and Cameron both shake their heads, House smiles.] Don't you see how incredible this call was? A protein deficiency. Can't be tested, can't be seen. I called it based on coughing blood."
Foreman, You're happy about this.
Cameron, She's going to die.
House," That's not my fault. She was going to die anyway. Now, thanks to me, at least she'll know why."
Chase, I'm sure you'll see that gratitude in her eyes when you tell her.
House, I'm not telling her.
Foreman, I'm not telling her.
House, No one's telling her. Not until we're sure I'm right.
Foreman, But we're going to wait for her to stroke or have a heart attack to confirm before we tell her?
House, Seems like the huMane approach. [Leaves and goes into his office.]
Foreman," Her heart went into V-fib. Brought her back, barely. Congratulations, you have your confirmation. [House gets up and starts to leave, presumably to tell Addie she is going to die. Foreman calls out after him.] What's her name?"
House, Who? The co-ed?
Foreman, Sure.
House, [Thinks.] Dead sophomore girl?
Foreman, You know her father's name?
House, Dad. Her mother's name is Mommy.
Foreman," Ben and Jodie are about to lose their only daughter, Addie."
House," You think they're going to give a crap if I know their names? Five years from now when the father's looking at photographs of his daughter graduating from high school they're not going to remember the nice black doctor who called them by their first name. [Foreman starts to leave, shaking his head.] You don't want to quit."
Foreman, You saying you don't want me to quit?
House," Didn't sound like I said that. I'm saying that suddenly you're trying to turn me into a kinder, gentler ass. Because you know who you are. You figure if you can make me decent and caring, then maybe there's a hope for..."
Foreman," You are about to tell a girl she is dying and you think it's about you. God, I hope I'm not you. [Leaves.]"
House, I'm sorry. Addie you're dying.
JODIE, Are you sure?
House, Yes. Your infections will get worse. The toxins will spill into your blood.
ADDIE, How long?
House," Two days, maybe less. You have a condition called..."
ADDIE, Does it matter.
House, It's a very rare protein deficiency that only...
ADDIE, I don't want to hear it.
House, Ok. [Leaves but watches through the door as Addie comforts her mother. Then goes back in. Half laughs.] It's what's killing you. This is what's killing you. You're not interested in what's killing you?
ADDIE, Will it make any difference? Will I live any longer?
JODIE," Please, could you just leave?"
House," [Smiling.] What's the point in living,without curiosity? Without craving the..."
ADDIE, So I'm screwing up my last few hours because I wont listen to you?
BEN, Get out of here.
House, [Smiling still.] It's-it's-it's like the... dark matter in the universe...
ADDIE, You're smiling.
House," No I'm not. You can only diagnose a pRoblem by looking at what's... [Sees a reflection on himself, smiling.] missing... Oh, God. I have to go. [Leaves.]"
Wilson, [Startled.] Ahh.
House," [Loudly.] 19-year-old didn't want to hear the coolest explanation of why she's going to die. [Shuts the door, loudly]. Begged me to shut up. [Turns the light on.]"
Wilson, If you can't shut up at least talk quietly.
House, Amphetamine withdrawal's a bitch. She thought that I was happy.
Wilson, [Sits up.] You were happy?
House," No! I was hazy. I don't get hazy on Vicodin, or anything else I throw down. Which means I was throwing down something I didn't know I was throwing down. Which got me to wondering, why didn't you give me those happy pills?"
Wilson, I told you. You got to be checked out by...
House," No, you just didn't want me double dosing. [Wilson starts looking guilty. He knows the game's up.] You dosed me! Those coffees..."
Wilson," They worked! You've been smiling, relaxed, happy!"
House, A dying girl thought I was happy. A moron thought I was happy. Who the hell doesn't want to know why she's dying?
Wilson, House was happy.
House, Hazy.
Wilson, Happy.
House, Hazy!
Wilson," Oh, right. A dying girl mistook hazy for happy, because dying people see happiness Everywhere. She's miserable."
House, She wasn't miserable.
Wilson, Of course she was miserable you just told her she was...
House," She was no different then she's Ever been. [Epiphany.] She was no different than she'd Ever been.... Oh, God. I got to go. [Leaves and slams the door behind him, much to the dismay of Wilson who cringes and rubs his face.]"
House, Need a minute with your daughter.
BEN, Dr. House get out of here before...
House, She's going to live. Does that help? Now get out.
JODIE, Are you jerking us around?
House," Get out! [Parents leave, House shuts the door.] You... have got leprechauns in ya. [Said in an Irish accent.] Depression Manifests in lots of different ways. Some people can't get out of bed all day. Others have serial relationships and become oncologists."
ADDIE," I'm dying, I'm not depressed."
House," Wrong and wrong. You tried to kill yourself by throwing down kitchen cleanser. Now most normal suicidal morons would have just drank the stuff, burned the hell out of their mouth and throat. Painful, but not deadly. But being a college-eduCated, suicidal moron, you wrapped it in gel caps or gum. [We follow the gel cap along its path down the throat and into the intestines where it dissolves and starts burning a hole.] Which left no trace but burned a hole in your intestine. But the body can repair almost anything, which is cool. In your case, scar tissue closed up the hole but it also formed a bridge between a vein and an artery. [We see the bridge being formed.] Now, veins are supposed to help the intestine flush bacteria away, but the bridge allowed the bacteria entrance to the artery. [We see the bacteria crossing the bridge.] Where they got a free ride! Everywhere."
ADDIE, [Starts to cry.] Can you fix me?
House, Surgery to fix the bridge will take about 2 hours. Psychotherapy is going to take a little longer. Why'd you do it?
ADDIE," I don't know. I've just! nEver been happy. [Crying.] Please don't tell my parents. They'll blame themselves and it's not their fault. Please, you can't tell them."
House," Technically, all you have to do is promise me that you wont do it again. Then, legally I can't tell them."
ADDIE, [Composes herself.] I promise.
House," Yeah, sure."
JODIE, We can't thank you...
House," Your daughter tried to kill herself. That's why she's here. Legally, I'm supposed to keep that between me and her. Which makes sense, she's obviously an adult, capable of her own well-reasoned decisions."
BEN, You're sure?
House," If she doesn't die in the next couple of hours, yeah, I'm right."
JODIE, How could she hide this?
House, Everyone has secrets.
BEN," We'll take care of her, figure it out."
House, You'll make her happy?
BEN, We'll get her into therapy.
House," [Nods.] Might want to try some meds, too. [Starts to leave.]"
JODIE, [Follows him.] Can we call you? [House turns around.] If we have any questions? [Smiles.]
House, No. [Jodie is shocked. House leaves.]
Foreman, What's up?
Cuddy, Nothing.
Foreman, You wanted to see me?
Cuddy, Yeah.
Foreman, House's Patient.
Cuddy, Yeah. The one that would have died if not for him.
Foreman, Subtle.
Cuddy, Thanks. You're really scared you'll turn into him?
Foreman," Don't tell me I'm better than him. Don't tell me to take the good, leave the bad. Cameron already tried."
Cuddy, I'm telling you there are worse things to turn into.
Foreman, It's not worth it. [Leaves.]
Honey, I didn't think you were going to show.
House, Sorry. Surgery went a little late.
Honey, So you really think I have all the necessary qualifications?
House, I can't discuss this with a dry mouth. What have you got there?
Honey, Peppermint tea.
House, [To the barMan.] I'm going to have a mug of peppermint tea please.
Honey," This isn't a job interview, is it?"
House," It's some kind of interview. You're judging me, I'm judging you."
Honey, You have the upper hand. I don't know anything about you.
House," I'm on antidepressants because a doctor friend of mine thinks I'm miserable. I don't like them they make me hazy. I eat meat, I like drugs, and I'm not always faithful to the women I date."
Honey, You don't seem depressed.
House, You do realise you just skipped over sEveral deep character flaws that most women would run screaming from?
Honey, You told the truth.
House," Yeah... I don't always do that, either."
Honey," Well, how miserable can you be saving lives, sleeping around and doing drugs? [Smiles.]"
House," Were you on the Debating team in high school? [BarMan pours House's tea.] Also... [Picking it up.] I hate tea. [Drinks it, then smiles.]"
NATE, So you want me to explain how you just lost?
NATE, Or do you wanna stare at the board your full... [checks the clock] three minutes? Cling to hope?
NATE, C'mon. It's called speed chess.
NATE, [singing quietly] Na-na na-na... na-na na-na... hey-hey-hey...
NATE, [singing] ... good-bye.
BEN, Good game.
BEN," [persisting] I said ""good game""."
PROCTOR, Hey! Hey!
PROCTOR, Stop it! Stop that!
PROCTOR, Back away from him! Back away!
FEMALE PROCTOR, [trying not to panic] Call nine-one-one! Get an ambulance!
PROCTOR, Tell them to send two!
NATE, [through clenched teeth] My head's gonna explode! [cries out] Aaaah!
Chase, Your head still hurt?
NICK, You a moron?
ENID, [admonishing] Nate.
NATE," I'm clutParkng my head in pain, and he asks if it hurts? [to Chase] What are you, some kind of med student? You look like you still have theme birthday parties."
ENID," [to Chase, sheepishly] Sorry."
Chase, [staying professional] Any pRoblems concentrating in school lately?
NATE," Uh, besides the dreams of running my tongue along my French teacher's breasts? No, I'm doing quite great."
Chase, The rage and pain could be caused by a parasite. Does he eat a lot of sushi?
ENID," No. Uh, he was a vegetarian until just a few months ago."
Chase, Any changes in behaviour since the new diet?
ENID," [sadly] No. He's been this way since he became a teenager. It doesn't matter how much I yell or punish, he's still gonna say..."
NATE," [mock-crying] Yeah, let's all shed a tear for poor little Nate's mother. [mock-cries a little more, stops] Any more stupid questions?"
ENID, Nate!
Chase, I hate this... kid.
House, I like this kid.
Chase, You haven't met him.
House, I know you hate him. What more do I need to know? [addressing Everyone] The kid's not a clich�. Anybody can get into a fight after losing. It takes real creativity to beat up someone you just beat.
Cameron, Pain's not limited to his head.
Chase, The rest is bumps and bruises accounted for by the sEventeen fights he's been in this semester.
Cameron, Concussion?
Chase, MRI was clean. No frontal lobe tumor. And the tox screen showed no trace of coke or amphetamines.
Foreman, Nate went mEdieval on the other kid. Could be...
House, Hold on. [closing his eyes] I'm having a moment. This... [imitates choking back a sob] this could be Foreman's last time mistakenly suggesting adrenal gland tumor.
Foreman, Which could create excess adrenaline. Causes the head pain and rage.
House, But not the personality disorder.
Foreman, There is no personality disorder. He's a teenager.
House," Being a teenager excuses the odd inappropriate comment. This kid say anything appropriate? [announcing] He's having cluster headaches. PRobably been having them for years. Question is, what's causing them?"
Foreman," If it were just a cluster headache, he'd have swelling around the eyes."
House, ER gave him ibuprofen for the pain. Useless for this pain. It could have knocked down the swelling. Best bet is a vascular pRoblem.
Cameron," [reads a file] Normal treatment for cluster headaches is steroids, which the ER also gave him. He's still in pain. Which means..."
House, [turns around] Normal treatment is called normal treatment because sometimes you have to use abnormal treatment. Start him on blood thinners and give his noggin Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation.
House, Don't you dare... touch that acerbic wit.
Chase, Fifty bucks to whichEver of you steps up and treats this brat.
Cameron," Not the kid's fault, he's sick."
Chase, Fine! You do it.
Cameron," [turns, smiling] No way. He's your brat."
Foreman," I'll do it. But I've got a job interview after work. Anything comes up later, you guys handle it."
Cameron, [supportive] Need a peer recommendation?
Foreman, Thanks.
Chase, Cameron's should suffice.
NATE," This isn't gonna turn me into some, like, drooling vegetable wets his pants, is it?"
Foreman, It's safe. The magnetic pulses activate nerve cells which will hopefully squelch the head pain.
NATE, Is there anything you can do about the other pain?
Foreman, From the fights?
NATE," Yeah, I mean, my face, my shoulder, my stomach. I can barely bend my fingers."
Foreman, You're already on pain meds. Nothing more I can do.
NATE," Sure you can, Man. Tell your [pounds his chest lightly] homies to quit stomping on me!"
Foreman, [smirking] I'll get the word out that you're a great guy.
NATE," [looking at Foreman] So, do people watch what they say around you?"
Foreman, Because I'm black?
NATE," [laughs] No, because you're gay."
Chase," Cluster headaches can persist for years, cause irritability or Even hostility towards others."
ENID," You mean, the illness is affecting his personality?"
Chase," If these treatments work, it could..."
ENID, ... change him?
Chase, Yeah.
ENID," [tears of joy] Oh, thank God."
ENID," [looking at him] Oh. Oh, you must think I'm awful. Here, my son's lying in a hospital bed and..."
Chase, [understanding] I-I'm pretty sure I get it.
ENID, [shrugging] I thought I was a bad mother. And I hated myself. Because I hated him.
House, [vo] What do you got for me this...
House, ... fine morning?
Chase, Blood thinners and TMS had no effect. It's not cluster headaches.
House, You accusing the symptoms of lying?
Cameron, Could be hemochromatosis.
House, Wouldn't account for the personality disorder.
Cameron, What about hypothyroidism?
House," He's not getting aggressive and lethargic, he's getting aggressive and aggressiver."
Cameron, What about ruptured dermoid cyst?
House, Sorry. Just got dizzy there. I was expecting to turn right. It's Foreman's turn to be shot down.
Foreman, [hardly amused] The thing that Cameron said.
House, Way to think outside the box.
House, But no fat in the ventricles. It's cluster headaches.
Chase, Normal treatment didn't work. Abnormal treatment didn't work.
House," Good point, Foreman!"
House, The treatments don't always work. Symptoms nEver lie.
Cameron, The only approved treatment left for cluster headaches is brain surgery. And that's not Even a guarantee.
House," [shouting into Foreman's ear] Back off, Foreman!"
House," If the approved treatment doesn't work, we go with an unapproved treatment."
Foreman, Hey!
House, Something on your mind?
House, Because you totally can't tell.
Foreman, I had a job interview lined up at New York Mercy yesterday.
House, Hospital for Manhattan's glitterati. Big coup. Your homies must be kvelling.
Foreman," [mad] Didn't happen, because apparently I called to cancel. I don't remember making that call. You think I have neurological issue?"
House, Yes.
Foreman, [shouting] Why are you jerking me around?
House, It wasn't me.
Foreman," Yeah! It was one of the other petty, socially repressed asses I work for."
House, Maybe it was Ashton Kutcher.
Foreman," If you want me to stay, tell me you want me to stay."
House, Would it matter?
Foreman," No, but it'd be the adult way to handle it."
House," If the adult way doesn't work, why bother with it?"
Foreman," I've been totally professional! Gave two weeks notice, continued to work cases! Scheduled my interviews on my own time! You have no right to screw with my future."
House," You're gonna be all whiny during the differential diagnoses, aren't you?"
House, [calling after him] It wasn't me.
House, I only sabotage people I consider worth it.
House," [dramatically, pointing his cane at her] You are one evil,... cunning Woman. It's a massive turn-on."
House, You girls can gossip later.
Cuddy, What are you talking about?
House, [takes a seat] You called New York Mercy to have Foreman's job interview killed.
House," [to Nurse Unger] When I said, ""You girls can gossip later,"" I was throwing you out, but in a polite way."
Cuddy," Well, I take it you're off your antidepressants."
House," Ah, you're deflecting. Only I'm allowed to do that. [drinks his energy drink]"
Cuddy, Does Foreman actually think I did that?
House," No, just me. But I know something he doesn't. I didn't do it."
Cuddy, Why would I do it?
House, Do you want him to leave?
Cuddy, No.
House, Were you planning on doing something?
Cuddy, I'm waiting for board approval.
House," But if he takes the job, there's nothing to be done. You had to stop him."
Cuddy, Wasn't me.
Cuddy, What are you doing?
House," Looking for a tell. Rapid eye blink, twitch of the lips."
Cuddy, [ushering him out] Send in Nurse Unger when you pass her on your way out.
House, Oh! Almost forgot. I need to give a sixteen-year-old magic mushrooms to treat a cluster headache. Is that cool?
Cuddy," [deadpan] Yeah, no pRoblem."
Cuddy, I was being sarcastic.
House, Wouldn't look that way in the court transcript. Mushrooms have psilocybins that work on cluster headaches. It's either that or cutting into his brain and going on a fishing expedition.
Cuddy, I assume you've considered he could have a psychogenic experience. Possibly suffer a fit of sEvere paranoia.
House," [pretends to think] Well, I have now. Yeah, it's definitely better that the Dean of Medicine prescribes it instead of an unhinged doctor with a history of drug use. Takes the stink off if the Patient decides to put on a cape and fly off the roof."
Cuddy, Low dose. No more than ten milligrams. Tightly controlled setting.
Cuddy, And make sure the mother signs off on it.
House," Party on, Garth. And don't stand in Foreman's way. It's just wrong."
Chase, New research shows that a chemical component in the mushrooms can be...
NATE," [interrupting] Yeah, lots of technical medical stuff. So, when do I get 'em?"
ENID, I went to college. I know about mushrooms. A friend of a friend shot himself in the foot.
NATE," [sighs in exasperation] They're not giving me a gun, Enid! Sign the consent form."
Chase," We'll be monitoring him, but cardiac arrest is possible."
NATE, [air-writing] Big E... small N...
ENID, [apprehensive] And if... the mushrooms don't work?
Cameron, The next step would be a type of brain surgery.
ENID," Oh, God."
NATE, Pain's gettin' worse! Need... 'shrooms... now!
CUE MUSIC," Iron Butterfly's ""In-a-gadda-da-vida"""
NATE," Oh, yeah."
Chase," Nate, how's the pain?"
NATE," Hey, hey!"
S POV, Psychedelically-coloured double-vision of Chase and Cameron.]
NATE," It's Skippy, the bush kangaroo!"
Chase," Your head, Nate. We need to know how the pain is."
NATE, [drawling] What I got here... is the opposite of pain.
Cameron," That means you're suffering from cluster headaches. Which means, hopefully..."
S POV, He looks at Cameron.]
NATE," [laughs] Man, you're hot! [to Chase, wide-eyed] She's making me horny."
Chase, Deal with it.
NATE," Hey, hey, hey, hey. You can't get me stoned, then not close the deal."
Chase, [under his breath] Shut up.
Cameron, [whispering to Chase] Take it easy. He's not well.
NATE, [laughs] You'll regret saying no. Check it out.
Chase," [in disgust] Oh, for God's sake."
Cameron, Hold it.
Chase, What're you doing?
Cameron, He has undersized testes.
Cameron, His other secondary sexual characteristics are normal.
House," If you wanna curry favor with me, avoid discussions of other men's testicles."
House," [to the nurse] Thanks. [to Cameron] Focus on phrases like ""You were right about the cluster headaches."""
Chase, But wrong about what caused them. Vascular pRoblem in a major artery wouldn't cause hypogonadism.
House," Okay, what causes rage, headaches, personality disorder and hypogonadism?"
Cameron, [looking around] Where's Foreman?
House, He's mad at me.
Cameron, Why?
House, No reason.
Chase," [scoffs] Yeah, that makes sense."
House, Male genitals are controlled by the hypothalamus and pituitary gland. We're not talking about Foreman anymore.
Cameron, The kid's being pummeled at school. A couple blows to the head could cause hypothalamic lesions. We Ever gonna talk about what happens when Foreman's gone?
House," If this were an employee-owned airline in Scandinavia, yes. It's not lesions. His temperature would be all over the map. Symptoms don't lie."
Cameron, [re: Foreman] He's gone in less than a week and you haven't Even read a r�sum�?
Chase, Doesn't Even need to. The two of us can handle it. Craniopharyngioma fits the symptoms.
House, [jerks a nod] Biopsy the brat's pituitary. [enters the elevator] And let the record show I was right about the cluster headaches.
NATE, Forget it!
Cameron, It's a straightforward procedure. We thread an endoscopic tube through the nostril...
NATE, And cut something out of my brain? No way.
Cameron," If it's a tumor, it could kill you."
NATE," Just give me more 'shrooms, okay? I'll be fine."
ENID," You only need my consent, right?"
Chase," Yeah, but it'll be a lot easier if he..."
ENID, [interrupting] Do whatEver you have to do.
NATE," [points at Chase] You don't touch me, all right? [points at Cameron] You can touch me. Just not my brain."
ENID," Nate, you gotta do this. I can't take it anymore."
NATE," [sighs in frustration] My God, Mom! Save me the melodramatic hand-wringing, okay? Loosen up! Get yourself coited."
Chase, [turning] I'm gonna give him a sedative.
NATE," [sleepy-eyed] You're decent-looking, Dr. Skippy."
NATE, [glassy look] Why don't you take her for a ride?
Cameron, Nate...
S POV," Blurred vision. Cameron looks at the camera, her voice slow and deep.]"
Cameron, Are you in pain?
S POV, The light from the window engulfs Cameron's face.]
ENID, [scared] Nate!
Cameron, His heart rate's normal. Respiration's Even.
ENID, [panicked] What's happening? What's the matter with him?
Chase, He's jaundiced. His liver's shutting down.
Chase, [voice-only] We started him on sodium polystyrene sulfonate.
Chase, His liver's operating at about twenty percent and deteriorating fast.
House," Which means he'll be dead long before Foreman turns in his Parking pass. So, what causes personality disorder, head pain, blah-blah-blah, and liver failure?"
Chase," Liver failure can cause hypogonadism, head pain. Altered mental status leads to the personality disorder and rage. All we need to do is figure out what caused the liver failure."
House," Yes. Also, we need to figure out how symptoms yesterday can be caused by liver failure today. [steals a look at Foreman]"
Cameron," If his liver's failing now, it wasn't great yesterday. If it wasn't operating at capacity, it could have caused..."
House, Ooh-aah! Whoa!
House, [scolding] Don't sneak up on a person like that.
Foreman, [monotone] I'm listening.
House," Well, listening doesn't help me. Okay. Let's go with the liver and a time-maParkne theory. Foreman, what causes liver pRoblems?"
Foreman, Wilson's disease.
Chase, No. Ceruloplasmin's normal.
Cameron," No enlargement and no palpable mass, so no cancer."
Chase, Could be a narrowing of the bile ducts. Primary sclerosingcholangitis.
House, Most liver damage begins with what we put in our bodies. Foreman?
Foreman, [resigned look] Angry teen... alcohol.
Chase, [emphatically] No. Blood tests were negative.
Cameron, No signs of drug use or acetaminophen poisoning in his tox screen. Maybe the water was contaminated.
Chase, His mother would also be sick.
House, Cuddy?
House, [shrugs] Sounded like someone with back. [jerking his head towards the door] Go.
House," [as Foreman leaves] We'll try and muddle through without your blank stare to guide us. [to Cameron and Chase] So if it's not the bad things he's putting in, what about the good things?"
Chase, He was raised a vegetarian.
House, Was raised. Means he's all grown up. Or he's not a vegetarian anymore.
Chase, He started eating red meat a few months ago.
Cameron ,"Unless he's been buying cuts of mad cow, his body would have no pRoblem metabolizing it."
House," Would if he had an OTC deficiency. Body can't metabolize nitrogen, damages the liver. Run a hamburger test."
House," It's exactly what it sounds like. Stuff him full of meat, wait for his ammonia lEvels to spike."
Cuddy, I'll double your salary.
Foreman, Chase and Cameron would mutiny if they found out.
Cuddy," Chase and Cameron wouldn't be heading up their own diagnostic group. [hands him a folder] You'll work in parallel with House. It'll be your practice. Separate staff, separate cases. Complete autonomy."
Foreman, [looks uncertain] I've only been doing this for three years.
Cuddy, Three years under House. No better training.
Foreman, And when that case comes along that I can't figure out? You know who I'd have to go to.
Cuddy, [deadpan at first] Or you can just let that Patient die. That's completely up to you. [smiles sweetly]
Foreman, [sighs] No.
Cuddy, Why?
Foreman, He's evil.
Cuddy, He didn't sabotage your interview.
Foreman, How do you know?
Cuddy, [quickly] Because I did.
Cuddy, [calling after him] I didn't! You beliEved me - means you're not sure House did it.
Foreman," Well, somebody did it. Somebody here did it. I can't work here."
NATE, This isn't a medical procedure. This is just about Doogie making me eat garbage.
Chase, Need to see how your liver processes the proteins.
NATE," Then get me a steak, some roast beef."
ENID, What if I brought him something from home?
Chase, It has to be prepared here so we know there's no chemicals or preservatives that could affect the test results.
NATE, I'm not eating anything prepared by five-dollar-an-hour immigrant hospital cooks in hairnets.
Chase, [snaps] Shut up!
Chase," [advancing threateningly] Either you start eating, or I'm gonna strap you to this bed and shove these down your throat one-by-one, got it?"
NATE, Can't get mad at me. I'm sick. [feigns coughing] You're supposed to feel bad for me.
Chase," [into intercom] Nurse, full set of body restraints."
NURSE," [from intercom] Yes, doctor."
Chase, [getting in Nate's face] Trust me. It'll be a lot less messy if you do it yourself.
Cuddy, [accusing] You killed Foreman's job interview.
Wilson, Why would I...?
Cuddy," [speaks fast] Somebody did. Wasn't me, and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House. Which means it has to be somebody who actually likes House. Which means it's either you or the... weird night janitor who wears his pants backwards."
Wilson, I want Foreman to leave.
Wilson," House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron's in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits."
Cuddy, [protesting] I give him...
Wilson, You authorize magic mushrooms. House is a six-year-old who thinks he's better off without parents. A few tummy aches after dinners of ice cream and ketchup might do him some good.
Cuddy, [slyly] You're lying.
Cuddy," An enabler doesn't conspire against, an enabler enables."
Cuddy, [looking back] What?
Wilson, [looking at her] You're paranoid. [smiles]
Cuddy," You made that call. And because of that call, you basically guaranteed Foreman's out of here."
DOUG, I thought it would be fun to work on my boat with him. [jerks his thumb at Mark]
House, And you went shirtless because... skin cancer looks cool.
DOUG," Well, I realize I got burnt."
DOUG," I'm not too worried about that. [pointing] It's these white marks, you know?"
House, Lie down.
DOUG," [lying down] I mean, that boat has all sorts of, uh, lead paint, and there's... chemicals Everywhere."
House," [to Mark] When daddy works on his boat, does he have a cooler with lots of brown bottles with long necks?"
House, [filling the syringe with water] And does daddy like to lie down on his boat and go nap-nap in the sun?
DOUG, Oh! What-what the hell?!
House," [holding the syringe out to Doug] I will give you this for the... [calculates] one dollar, forty one cents in your pocket."
DOUG," Wait, how could you know...?"
House, A psyParkc once told me that I'm psyParkc.
House," Hey, one of these quarters is Canadian. [mad] Give me back my syringe."
Cameron, Hamburger stress test showed no change in his ammonia lEvels.
Foreman, Liver's properly converting the ammonia into urea. He doesn't have OTC deficiency.
House, Welcome back.
Foreman, Sorry. I shouldn't have been taking my pRoblems out on the Patient.
House, Or on me. Apology accepted. [walks to the Nurse's Station] Starve him.
Foreman, And what are we looking for?
House, [tossing Doug's file on the 'station] Diabetic steatosis would screw up his liver. Starve him overnight and see if his blood sugar pops.
Chase," We mess with his blood sugar, we could set off another rage."
House, Not a pRoblem. You can take him.
NATE, [yelling] I want something to eat!
ENID," [pleading] Honey, please don't."
Chase, What happened?
NURSE," I was just trying to get a urine sample, and he went crazy."
NATE, I need to eat!
NATE, You're not sticking anything else in me!
Foreman, It's just a few more hours.
ENID, [fearful] You're gonna hurt yourself.
NATE, [almost crying] I'm gonna hurt you!
Chase," As soon as we get a urine sample, we can leave you alone."
NATE, You want your sample?! Here's your damn sample!
Foreman," Nate, don't."
ENID," [frightened] Oh, my God."
Chase," Nate, you need to get back into bed. Right now."
Cameron, [voice-only] Chem panel and urinalysis confirms the bloody urine was caused by kidney failure.
Cameron, He's on dialysis. He's gonna need it for the rest of his life.
House," Which is shortening as we speak. We are looking at a Parknese menu, and we've got symptoms from too Many columns. They're going to overcharge us."
Cameron, Multiple organ failure could mean primary HIV infection.
Chase, [sarcastic] That would mean someone agreed to sleep with him. Plus his serology is negative.
Foreman, His uric acid's slightly elevated.
Chase, Ten percent of males in this country have elevated...
House, So we're only gonna pay attention to _abnormal_ abnormalities?
Chase, We've been stuffing him with meat and his kidneys are shot. Of course his uric acid lEvels...
Foreman, Could be hepatic fibrosis or MCADD. Brat's got a genetic disorder.
House, Get the sequencing primers. See if it's one of the ones we can treat.
Foreman," I can draw some blood, but then I gotta run."
House, [whirls around] Job interview?
Foreman, You gonna stop me if it is?
House," You do the nurse stuff, they'll do the doctor stuff."
NATE, [drowsily] This a blood test for a marriage license? Plan on kidnapping me to Massachusetts... or Canad...
ENID, What did you give him? [standing] Are you treating him for something?
Foreman, Sedative.
ENID, Did he need a sedative?
Foreman, I did. Just shutting him up so I can draw some of his blood in peace.
ENID, [outraged] You walked in with that. You didn't Even give him a chance.
Foreman, People are what they are.
ENID, [arguing] He's sick. The rudeness isn't his fault.
Foreman," If he had tuberculosis, it wouldn't be his fault either. But I still wouldn't let him cough on me."
Wilson, [seeming flustered] Hi.
Cameron, Hey.
Wilson, Where are you going?
Cameron, The lab. We're testing our Patient's blood for hereditary...
Wilson, [interrupts] Cuddy thinks I sabotaged Foreman's interview. She's gonna fire me.
Cameron, [beat] I don't beliEve it.
Wilson, She said it was unprofessional and...
Cameron," No, I mean I literally don't beliEve it. Cuddy wouldn't fire you for something like that."
Cameron," [suspicious] Which... means either she lied to you, or you're... lying to me."
Wilson, [loses the act] You so would have fallen for that three years ago.
Cameron," You were looking for a reaction. You were looking for me to feel bad for you. Save your skin. [shrugs] But how am I gonna save you? [understands, stops] Unless... you think I'm the one who really did it."
Wilson," Cuddy's logic was Foreman's valuable to House. I care about House. Ergo, I would do anything to save him."
Cameron," And your logic was... I care about House as much as you do, ergo..."
Cameron, It wasn't me. I don't care about House.
Wilson, I don't beliEve you.
Cameron, No one does. [sincerely] House is nothing more than my boss. Foreman's nothing more than a colleague.
Wilson," [nods, yet...] You're lying."
Cameron, [enough already] Everyone does. But it wasn't me.
Chase, [looking at monitor] No markers for hepatic fibrosis. Nothing for MCADD.
Cameron, Foreman's interview in New York got screwed up.
Chase, [not looking up] I heard.
Cameron," Foreman thought it was House, House thought it was Cuddy. Cuddy thought it was Wilson, Wilson thought it was me."
Chase, And you think it was me? [chuckles] God... you think I... sabotaged Foreman? I don't Even want him here.
Cameron, I know.
Chase, Then why would I do...?
Cameron, I think you sabotaged Foreman just to sabotage Foreman.
Chase," So Everyone's a suspect because Everyone wants to help House. Except for me. I'm a suspect because I'm a petty, vindictive jerk?"
Chase, You actually think I would do something like that?
Cameron, It was someone.
Chase, [firm] It wasn't me.
Chase, Negative for Von Gierke disease. [remembering] And it's Tuesday.
Cameron, I know.
Chase, [mad] I like you.
Cameron, [smiling] I know. See you next Tuesday.
Chase, Found something.
Chase, He's got a partial HPRT enzyme deficiency. Means he could have Kelley-Seegmiller Syndrome.
Cameron, But it's a partial deficiency. So it may not be Kelley-Seegmiller.
House, [looks up] Yes. Those are the two options. It is... or it isn't.
Chase, Kelley-Seegmiller explains the aggressive personality.
Cameron," If he had Kelley-Seegmiller, he wouldn't just be aggressive, he'd be self-mutilating. Chewing his lips, banging his head."
House," [donning his jacket] Lovely disease. Degenerative, fatal, incurable. I wonder if that's why Cameron's on the ""not"" side."
Cameron, That and the fact that symptoms don't lie.
Chase, Kelley-Seegmiller carriers self-mutilate when they're stressed.
Cameron," [turning to face Chase] He's in the ICU with a failing liver and no kidneys. Yeah, his life is sweet."
Chase," [facing her] His vegetarian diet could have limited the purines in his system, slowing the disease's progress."
House, So let's speed it up.
Cameron, Why?
House," So you two kids will stop fighting. [removing his bag] Also, I don't feel like waiting for respiratory failure. Chase, find some way for the mother to get lost for a while. [cracks his knuckles outwards] I'm going to stress this kid until he bites off a finger."
NATE, [weakly] They move me to geriatrics? Who are you?
House, [Greg's Anatomy's...] Dr. McCaney. The Man who's gonna kick your ass all over this chessboard.
NATE," Yeah, well, I'm too weak to..."
House," [pushing up Nate's sleEve] ...bite yourself, yeah. You need some liquid energy."
House," Now, if you consent, I'm gonna give you this shot of adrenaline."
NATE, Oww! [irritably] I don't wanna play.
House," Aside from being indicative of pituitary issues and certain kinds of genetic disorders, small testicles also indiCate... [disposes off the syringe] that you're a big Parkcken. Please don't make me do the sound effect."
NATE, You're not gonna goad me into playing.
House, Didn't think I'd have to. Thought you'd just jump at the chance of humiliating someone.
NATE, Age before cripple. I'm white.
House, [winding the chess clock] It... is... on!
House, Bird's opening. Passive approach.
House, [Slap] Sign of a coward.
NATE, [moving a pawn] Sicilian defense. Sign of an idiot. [Slap]
House," [makes a move, Slap] Arrogance has to be earned."
House, [moving a bishop] Tell me what you've done to earn yours. [Slap]
NATE, I can walk.
House, I don't bleed out of my penis.
House, Check.
House," You know, it's a real thin line between tortured genius and awkward kid who can't get girls because he's... creepy."
NATE, Why are you doing this?
House, To stress you out.
House, Check.
NATE," [moving one of his pieces] Yeah, but why? [Slap]"
House," I'd tell you, but I figure it's more stressful if you don't know why."
NATE, Not feeling too stressed.
House," You know that no one likes you, right?"
NATE," Yeah, well, anybody like you?"
House, [declaring] You're dying.
House, Check. [Slap]
House, Your move.
NATE, [taunting] Care to lay down your king?
NATE, You can't win. You can pin my queen. My knight to E7. Your king to H8. Sacrifice rook takes pawn. Bishop blocks. Queen to H5. Checkmate. [demeaningly] Save what's left of your dignity. Lay down your king.
House, Crap.
House, He's having a seizure. Four milligrams IV Lorazepam.
NURSE, Right away.
House, [under his breath] I hate this kid.
Foreman, I like this kid.
House, You get the job?
Foreman, They're gonna let me know.
Cameron, Kelley-Seegmiller didn't cause this seizure.
House," So we've got one more symptom, one less diagnosis. [to Foreman] I assume they're gonna call for references? You give 'em my name?"
Foreman," No. Amyloidosis can cause seizures, and the protein buildup could cause organ failure."
Chase, Wouldn't alter his personality.
House, Whose name did you give?
Foreman, [beat] My last boss.
House, Ouch! That can't look good. [still frustrated at having been beaten] I hate this kid.
Cameron, What if we're not dealing with one condition? What if it's multiple conditions?
House," Uh-uh, it's gotta be one. It's always one."
Chase, Nothing explains this constellation of symptoms. We've gotta be missing something. Maybe the kid lied about some medication. Maybe he's hiding something.
Cameron, Why would he be hiding something?
Chase," I don't know, because he's... evil?"
House, What if he is? What if the symptoms lied?
House," [looking at the Ducklings] There. Now all we're looking at is a simple, evil jerk with Amyloidosis."
Foreman, You're not being objective.
House, Amyloidosis was your idea.
Foreman," You were right, it doesn't fit the symptoms."
House," Yeah, it does. [now erases the crossed-out ""PERSONALITY"" word] Look."
Foreman, You crossed it off because you wanna hate the kid. And you can't hate him if he's a victim...
House," You want him to be a victim because you wanna beliEve that people are good. And if they're not, it's gotta be a chemical pRoblem. Except they're not, and it's not. [to Chase and Cameron] Flush him with immunosuppressants. Get a biopsy to confirm, and find him a marrow donor."
ENID, What will happen to him?
Chase," Substances called Amyloid proteins build up in the body's organs, shutting them down. It's a fairly rare disease. And I'm afraid it can be fatal."
ENID, [afraid] So do you operate or something to take them out?
Chase, He needs a bone marrow transplant. Dr. Cameron is searParkng the donor bank. We should test you as well.
ENID," When you first told me he was sick, I was... happy. ReliEved. Now..."
Foreman," Nate, I'm gonna take a small piece of nerve from your ankle. Let me know if you feel any pain."
NATE, [weakly] I'm burning up. Couldn't you just knock me out like you did last time?
Foreman, Wish I could. But your body has to be clear so it's ready for a marrow transplant.
NATE," Hey, Dr. X."
NATE, I know you've busted ass trying to save me.
Foreman, It's all right.
NATE, I wasn't gonna thank you. [coughs] I was gonna tell you you really suck at this.
Foreman, [calmly] We're doing our best.
NATE, That's sort of my point. Your best really sucks.
Foreman, Nerve biopsy was clean. No evidence of Amyloidosis.
House, It was your idea. Don't give up on it so fast.
Foreman," He's running a fEver. If it's two conditions, one of them's gotta be an infection. We should start him on antibiotics, see what clears up, what doesn't."
House, Is he having trouble breathing?
Foreman," Yeah, he has mucus in his chest from an infection."
House," Could also be an Amyloid buildup. Keep him on immunosuppressants and biopsy somewhere else, his sinuses."
House," [cutting him off] Look, you got two choices. Engage me in a futile argument then do what I asked, or just do what I asked."
House, You're not ready.
House," There was a third choice. Don't do what I asked. You coulda defied me, stuck the kid on antibiotics. But you didn't. Because you still trust my judgment more than your own."
Chase," You sabotaged Foreman's job interview, didn't you?"
House, [sighs] Foreman's already been over this. [clearly] It wasn't me.
Chase," Everybody's chasing ghosts over this. Which means either nobody did it, or somebody wants Everybody chasing ghosts. Now, who does that sound like?"
House, And why would I do that?
Chase," Because as long as Foreman thought you were guilty, he was gonna be useless around here."
House," [smiling] You know, [smirks] sometimes I forget why I hired you."
Chase, You cost him a good opportunity and gained nothing.
House, I cost him a crappy opportunity. New York Mercy's where you go to treat boils and cysts and build a 401K.
Chase," If you want him to stay, tell him."
House, I don't and there'd be no point.
Chase, You do. And the point would be to make him feel like he's wanted.
House, He doesn't need that.
Chase," All right, then. It'd make him feel like maybe you weren't evil."
Chase, He needs that.
Chase, Talk to Foreman.
House, We dumped one symptom. But forgot to add one.
House," [declaring] REvenge time, Nate."
ENID, Are you...?
House," Yes! I am. [holds his hands out, clenched] Black or white?"
NATE, [irritated] Just limp away.
ENID, [upset] He doesn't wanna play. Leave him alone.
House," Pick one, or... [points to an IV bag] this comes out. And, for all you know, this is really important."
S NOTE," This is how Nate has been holding all his chesspieces from the start. I nEver mentioned it before because... well, you guys would not have figured out that it was a pRoblem all along. OK, back to the show...]"
ENID, Stop it!
House," That hurts, right? Which is odd, because I'm really enjoying this. You hold the pieces that way because you can't bend your thumb."
House, Because your bones have formed abnormally. Thanks to all the crap that's been pushing its way in between them.
House," Actually, this stuff isn't important at all."
ENID, [worried] Your doctors said he needs immunosuppressants.
House, [waving it off] They're idiots. It's not Amyloidosis. It's iron. He's got hemochromatosis.
House," The body absorbs iron from food, but can't process it."
[CGI, Through the blood vessels. Large quantities of iron deposit along the walls as red blood cells flow overhead.
House," Can't get rid of it. And idle iron is the devil's playground. It builds up in the organs and joints, whacking them in the process."
House, Caused all of the symptoms. Including something that wasn't a symptom.
House," Those body aches, they were not from the fighting."
ENID, [hopeful] His personality issues?
House, [taking a scalpel] Sorry. The iron's innocent on that count. Your kid's a jerk.
House," And, yeah, it's pRobably your fault. Although, if you'd stayed off the meat like your mom said, you'd have half as much iron, and be twice less... almost dead."
House," Oh, nurse!"
House, [innocently] This Patient is bleeding for some reason.
ENID, Is he going to be okay?
House, He'll need dialysis. And he'll have to get his blood drained Every few months for the rest of his life. My condolences. It's going to be a long and annoying life.
House," [leaning close to Nate] I wouldn't have taken your bishop. I'd have moved my queen to D6, defusing the threat. Then rook to E8, attacking the king's pawn. I'd have lost the exchange, but won the game."
NATE, I know.
NATE, I was bluffing. And that's why... [sniggering] you lost.
House, [grumbling] Jerk.
Foreman," [not turning back] You just here to watch, or you got something to say?"
House, [beat] Still running the new biopsy for Amyloidosis?
Foreman, Yeah. Still nothing.
House, Run the test again. Recheck your results.
House, Looks like you're in for an all-nighter.
Pilot," Come on, Fisher, we've got places to go, people to see."
Fisher, Working on it!
Pilot," So I've heard, what's taking so long?"
Esteban, Es de mi esposa! No puedo! [It's my wife's. I cant!]
Pilot, Your hear that Fisher? Bingo! Either reel him in or we're leaving them both here!
Fisher," Okay, sir."
Esteban, No puedo dejar! Esta bien. [I can't leave it. It's okay!] [refuses again]
Esteban," Marina! Marina! Mi amor! Estas bien? Estas bien? [Marina smiles, he then turns around and scolds the rescuers] Mi esposa esta enferma! Su espEdient medico estaba en la maleta! [My love. Are you okay? Are you okay? My wife is sick. Her medical records were in the suitcase.]"
Esteban," Oye, tenemos que regresar, Dr House necesita ver su expEdiente medico. [We need to turn back. Dr. House needs to see her medical records.]"
Fisher," He says it wasn't her clothes; it was her medical records, that she's sick and needs to go home."
Esteban," No home, House! I need to see doctor House."
Wilson, You don't answer your phone anymore.
House," I'm world famous now, press won't leave me alone."
Wilson, It's Cuddy.
House, I know. If it was the press I'd be answering.
Wilson," And since you're not taking her calls, I am. Your Patient's been waiting for hours."
House, She didn't book an appointment.
Wilson," No, she risked her life."
House," You don't reach terra firma, you don't get any milk or Honey."
Wilson," The Woman has 10 different things wrong with her, including pains all over her body. [sits down opposite House] Admittedly not as interesting as staring uselessly at Foreman."
House, You know why I find the goodbye party fascinating? [he puts away the paper and rubs his stubbled Parkn] Isn't it kind of insulting to celebrate when someone leaves you?
Wilson, What are you going to do to keep him?
House, Nothing.
Wilson," He really is going to leave, you know that right?"
House, Yeah.
Wilson, So what are you going to do?
House," Nothing I can do. He doesn't want more money, better working conditions, doesn't Even want a better job. He wants to not be me."
Wilson, Because he thinks you're a cold-hearted bastard without any regard for anyone but yourself.
House, He's right. [bites into a bun]
Wilson, You need to show him that you really do care.
House, Don't. Foreman's not the only chocolate-covered cherry in the box.
Wilson," House, you play a guitar you got in 9th grade."
House, 8th.
Wilson," You're living in the same apartment for 15 years. You drive a 10-yr-old car, you are not good with change."
House," That used to be true, but I changed."
Wilson," He's not afraid to be you, he's afraid to be who he thinks you are. [He walks off and leaves House alone.]"
Chase, Rheumatic fEver would explain the skin rash.
Cameron, Not the double vision or bloody urine.
Chase, They were lost at sea for 3 days; maybe dehydration caused the kidney pRoblems.
Cameron, And the double vision?
Chase, Concussion during the shipwreck.
Foreman, It all fits as long as these symptoms started when you think it started.
House, This would be a lot easier if we had her medical records. Any of you certified deep sea divers?
Chase," She's from a dirt poor country in the tropics, infectious disease and parasites are the most likely cause of unexplained pain, fEver and skin rash, we might as well start there."
House, [takes off his cap and puts it on a model of a brain] If there's one thing Castro knows is how to look great in green. [he gives pointed looks in Foreman's direction but the duckling has his back to the rest of the room and doesn't seem to see] And if there are two things Castro knows is how to look great in green and train doctors. Even without the medical records we can assume she was drowned in antibiotics before she risked drowning to see me.
Cameron, So what doesn't Castro know?
House," How to lay his hands on high-tech scanning equipment. [points to the list of symptoms on the board] Pain, double vision, point us towards the head. Cameron get an MRI, see what's cooking in the old cabeza. [she goes out to do as asked] Chase, check out the husband."
Chase, Why? He hasn't complained of any pain.
House," Basic math, take all her symptoms, subtract his sea symptoms, the remainder equals her original symptoms. [Chase walks out]"
Chase, You've pain?
Esteban," No, I'm just sunburned."
Chase, Any blurred vision?
Esteban," No. So my wife, she is with doctor House?"
Chase, She is with another doctor who is part of doctor House's team.
Esteban," No, she's supposed to see doctor House. We have permission."
Chase, It's the way it works with doctor House.
Esteban, I came a thousand miles to see him!
Chase," He doesn't care. I'm sorry, but that's who he is, that's who you risked your life to see. And you made the right choice."
Cameron, Any other metal? Must have been difficult on the boat. [She starts preparing Marina for the MRI]
Marina, When the storm came just... very much... I pray while my husband he um... como se dice? with the paddles?
Cameron, You were on a boat without a motor?
Marina," No no, we start with the motor, but it break on the first night. My husband, he can fix anything. A washing maParkne, a car, a computer... but that stupid motor and me, these two he cannot fix."
Cameron, He got you to us.
Marina," He nEver gave up, no matter what happen, he kept saying to me don't worry, we will make it, I take care of you. He refuses to worry or pray, he beliEve if you don't have one, you don't need the other."
Chase," The husband has a pulled muscle in his shoulder but none of the pains or double vision. He does have a fEver, fungal rash, cough and elevated bilirubin. Foreman's not going anywhere. [House turns around from checking something on the computer to face Chase]"
House, He said that to you?
Chase," He doesn't really want to leave, and you don't really want to let him. You'll cave, just like you did with Cameron."
House," Foreman's not as easy as Cameron, but of course, who is?"
Cameron, I'm in the room.
Chase, He may not want a date but he does want... something.
House, Maybe it's something I can't offer.
Chase, Then you'll just lie.
House, He'd see through it.
Chase, Maybe. Or maybe he'll just see what he wants to see.
Foreman," She has MS. Explains the pain, the fatigue, double vision, kidney pRoblems."
Chase, Her kidney pRoblems aren't connected. Her husband has the same issues.
Foreman, It is possible for two people to have the same symptom for 2 different reasons.
Chase, If we're going to take that approach then we might as well just throw out Everything we got from the husband and start over.
Foreman," We could do that, or we could do something productive, start her on interferon for the MS, see if she improves."
House," I do like being productive. Well done, do it."
Chase, Well done? Is that what you think he wants? A pat on the head?
House, Go do your job.
Esteban, She does not have MS.
Foreman, I know it's not a pleasant diagnosis to hear-- [Marina is very distressed and crying]
Esteban," No, the doctors in Cuba would have found MS. [alarms start ringing] What's that?"
Foreman," It's alright, the pulse oximeter just came off. [he clips it back on to her finger] Marina, you can't--"
Marina, It hurts!
Esteban," The pain is getting worse, your treatment isn't working because it's not MS!"
Foreman," Does this hurt? [he experimentally twists her arm and ends up breaking her wrist, she screams in pain]"
House," Wow. Well either Foreman's way stronger than he thinks he is or... [he turns around, the ducklings are silent] seriously or?"
Cameron, She's too young for osteoporosis that sEvere.
Chase, And too old for osteogenesis imperfecta.
Foreman, Which leaves bone cancer.
Chase, Cancer's a long shot.
House," Why? Because metastatic tumours don't explain the abnormal MRI, kidney damage, cotton mouth, double vision? Oh wait, they do."
Chase, Infection could do all that too.
House, It's not an infection.
Chase, Because you know the non-existent medical records confirm that the brilliant doctors in Cuba treated her for infection? Or because you're trying to kiss up to Foreman?
House, Because an infection would cause a fEver and the brilliant doctors who work in my office have already crossed that off the list because the husband--
Chase, You were the one who said that it's possible for two people to have the same symptom for two different reasons. [to Foreman]
Foreman," And you're the one who said if we do that, we might as well throw out Everything we got from the husband."
Chase," Right, and then you said we should do something productive like breaking her arm?"
House, Foreman didn't break her arm.
Chase, Of course he didn't.
House," Cancer did. Put her on a PET scan, see what else is breaking. [He prepares to walk out of the room]"
Chase," This isn't going to work! He's not a moron, you can't just agree with Everything he says for two days and hope he forgets the last three years and how much he hates you!"
House," Anything else? When you get the results for the PET scan, let me know."
Chase, I don't really care if Foreman stays or goes but--
House, You're fired.
Chase, Wha... what because I yelled at you?
House," Because you've been here the longest, learned all you can, or you haven't learned anything at all... either way, it's time for a change."
Chase, [hesitates for a moment] Fine.
Foreman," No tumours in her arm, sinovial membrane's working fine."
Cameron," No hotspots, no bone cancer. Maybe we should be looking for something else."
Cameron, Is it raining out?
Chase, House fired me.
Foreman, What?
Cameron, Because you yelled at him?
Chase, Time for a change was the official explanation.
Cameron, It makes no sense.
Foreman, Since when does House make sense?
Cameron, He always makes sense.
Foreman, He's angry.
Cameron," Yes, it's all about you Foreman. He's upset you're leaving so he fires Chase."
Chase," Excuse me, by the humerus [he points to the results of a scan], she's got a hotspot."
Cameron, Why'd you fire Chase?
House," Sure thing, first you tell me the results of the PET scan."
Foreman, Did you fire him for me?
House, Would you stay if I did?
Cameron, You asked him to fire Chase?
Foreman, No!
House, Yes.
Cameron, You're frustrated with Foreman so you lash out? Kick the dog?
House, He's not gone 5 minutes and the name-calling starts. What's on the PET scan?
Cuddy, [walks in] Why'd you fire Chase?
House, Do you know what's on the PET scan?
Cuddy, You two out. [they exit]
House," Woah, wait! What's on the PET scan?"
Cuddy, You can't dump your entire department just because you don't know how to deal with an issue.
House," Yes, they are all irreplaceable. If only this country had figured out somehow to teach people to interpret PET scans."
Wilson, [bursts in] What the hell is wrong with you? You fired Chase?
House, I don't suppose you know what's on my Patient's PET scan?
Wilson," I told you to show Foreman you have a heart, how does that translate to you being a bastard?"
House, So that's a no?
Cuddy," Pick up the phone, and tell Chase you made a mistake. Un-fire him."
House," [reluctantly picks up the phone and dials] Chase. If you know what's on the PET scan, call me back. [put the phone back down]"
Wilson, Cut the crap.
Cuddy, Chase is a good doctor.
House," Sorry, you're in the wrong room. My name on the door, my team, my decisions."
Cuddy," My building, my floor, my people."
House," [the phone rings] Hold that repriMand. [he picks up the phone] House. Doctor Chase, how are ya? [Wilson and Cuddy look on expectantly] Thank you, you are indispensable. Um, you're still fired, sorry. [puts down the phone] Wow, that was awkward. PET scan rEvealed a blood clot in my Patient's arm which means goodbye. Still got 2 people working for me, got to get one of them to do my job. [he walks out]"
Foreman," A clot means a heart pRoblem, we have to do an emergency angiogram."
Esteban, But you know she has a blood clot.
Foreman, PET scan can't determine that with certainty.
Esteban, So you have no better idea what's wrong with her than when we first got here?
Foreman, We've ruled out MS.
Esteban, I told you it wasn't MS. Where is doctor House?
Foreman, Doctor House has left for the night; he'll be here in the morning to review the results if you sign the consent.
Foreman," But you know, you could call him at home. He doesn't always pick up, so keep calling. [He writes down House's no. and gives it to Esteban]"
Esteban, Thank you.
Esteban," Doctor House, it's Esteban Hernandez again, as soon as you get home it's very important you call me. [House is staring at an old acoustic guitar on the wall; pRobably the one Wilson mentioned earlier that he had since the 8th grade]"
Esteban," Hello yes, doctor House, its Esteban Hernandez, as soon as you get home, if you can please call me?"
Foreman, Catheter's in her femoral artery.
Cameron, Why are you telling me that?
Foreman, Because you're assisting.
Cameron, Do I look like I'm assisting?
Foreman, I had nothing to do with Chase's termination.
Marina, Is Everything ok?
Foreman," You're doing fine, Marina. The dye will take a minute to work its way through your system."
Cameron, [finally gets up and walks to the table] Why would you tell House you're leaving because he's a jerk?
Foreman, Because it's the truth.
House, Did you give an angry Cuban my home number?
Cameron," Why would you do that? You're not turning into House, you're worse than him."
Foreman," Let me get this straight, instead of picking up the phone and talking to a Patient for 5 minutes, you gave up on sleep and you drove in here."
Marina, My chest. [she seems to have difficulty breathing and alarms start beeping]
Foreman, She's in v-tach.
House, What did you do?
Foreman, Nothing!
Cameron," You must have hit something, did you nick an artery?"
Foreman, She has no pulse.
Marina, It hurts.
House, She has no pulse but she's talking. Cough.
House," Cough again. Keep coughing, it'll push blood into your head, keep you conscious. [She obeys, Foreman is trying to help start her heart again through CPR] Push 1 mg epinephrine."
Marina, Will [cough] that [cough] help?
House," No, but it is amazingly cool."
Cameron, We need to put her on bypass.
House," We need to keep her here, if this is a clot then forcing a bypass will blow it into her brain and kill her."
Cameron, If we continue CPR she'll lose blood flow which will cause brain damage.
House, What would cause the heart to stop? Let's assume it wasn't huMan error. [looks at Foreman]
Foreman," I didn't nick an artery, it just stopped."
House, Which is why I said assume.
Cameron, The only other option is electrical instability.
Foreman, No ST segment changes. We need to tell the husband.
House, Tell him what? We have no idea what happened. [he starts walking out of the room]
Cameron, House?
House, Keep going 'til I figure this out.
Cameron, House!!
Wilson," Geez, 47 I hope my colon looks better than this guy's. Isolating the first transverse..."
House, Help! I'm trapped inside a monitor!
Wilson," Not a good time, House."
House, My Patient lost her heartbeat during a routine cardiac catheterisation so--
Wilson, HuMan error.
House, It's not huMan error.
Wilson, Electrical instability?
House," Pre-procedure EKG was normal, no syncope."
Wilson, Ischemia?
House, Foreman said no ST segment changes.
Wilson, HuMan error is the only other possible--
House, It's not huMan error.
Wilson," [he finally turns around to face House on the monitor] Of course it's huMan error, you don't want Foreman to have made a mistake because then you'd have to mock him, and that would put a crimp in your brilliant plan of keeping him by having a breakdown and firing Chase."
House, Did you just spin on the monitor? You know I can't see you. [Wilson turns back to the surgery looking perplexed] HuMan error would not explain her symptoms.
Wilson, You mean her heart stopping?
House," I mean her foot pain, her back pain..."
Wilson," House, I'm busy. You have a team, run your differential with them."
House, Foreman and Cameron are doing CPR.
Wilson, Then you shouldn't have fired Chase. Change is fun huh?
Foreman," 5, 6, 7, 8."
Cameron, Go! [Another nurse takes over to pump Marina's chest] Someone's got to talk to the husband; he thought this whole thing was going to last 45 minutes.
Foreman," Half an hour more of this, nothing to talk about, won't be able to bring her back. We gotta get her on bypass."
Nurse, [walks in] House still isn't answering his phone.
Foreman," [points to another nurse] You, get in here. [he swaps positions with the nurse and then walks out]"
Esteban," Excuse me, my wife was supposed to be back an hour ago."
Nurse, Soon as we know anything we'll call you.
Esteban, Thank you.
Cuddy, HuMan behaviour finals will also get into clinical presentations of Mania and we'll touch on Stanislas Dehaene's PET scans.
House," [from the balcony above] Excuse me, professor."
Cuddy," House, when we're done with our rounds-"
House, My Patient has no heartbeat. Stopped when we inserted a catheter during a routine angiogram. Anyone tells me why her heart stopped gets an A in doctor Cuddy's class.
Cuddy, [turns to the class] Anyone?
House," Yeah, I'm polling first year medical students because I hadn't considered huMan error."
House," Structural abnormalities would show up on the echo, you get a C."
House, F.
House," B+. Unfortunately, she missed her last botox appointment due to a boating accident, but send me your resume."
Foreman," [walks up to House on the balcony] House, time's up."
House," [looks at Foreman who is drenched in sweat] Good lord, you smell like muskox."
Foreman, Either our Patient goes on bypass or I call time of death.
Cuddy, Your Patient isn't already on bypass?
House, I was worried about a clot.
Cuddy, How long?
Foreman, 3 hours!
Cuddy," House. Bypass, now."
Nurse, Clear the hall!
Esteban, Doctor Foreman! My wife? What is happening?!
Foreman," Her heart stopped, we have to get her on bypass."
Cameron, You need to wait outside!
Esteban, Doctor House?
House, You can vacuum later.
Esteban," I am not the janitor; I am Esteban Hernandez, what happened to my wife?"
House, Her heart stopped.
Esteban, Why did her heart stop?
House," If I knew that, I'd be coming to you."
Esteban, Tell me where you take her. Tell me what has happen to her.
House," Happening. Present participle. Not a particularly interesting form of speech, kind of like of this conversation."
Esteban," But... I risk my life to see you. I look you up, you fix people. When Everyone else gives up, you don't and now you insult me? Ignore my wife?"
House, [takes a vicodin] Helps my process.
Esteban," No, you do not ignore my wife, ok? She is Everything to me."
House, Well then you do not ignore your wife.
Esteban, You just sit here... you don't talk to people. How do you fix something if you don't look at it?
Surgeon," Turn on the bypass please. Good, good distal flow."
House, Need to look at the heart.
Surgeon, Why?
House," Can't find my wallet. Pick it up, turn it over."
Surgeon," I don't see anything physically wrong with her heart. [He picks it up and turns it around, examining it]"
House, Hearts don't stop for no reason.
Surgeon," Ok, take your look. [House takes a closer look] Do you see anything wrong?"
House, Give her a jump start.
Surgeon," Clear. [the jolt is delivered to her heart, but she is still flat lining] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt]"
House," And again,"
Surgeon," Clear. [and another jolt] Clear. [another jolt] Clear. [another jolt, all of which have had no effect on the flat lining heart]"
House, Again.
Surgeon," Yeah, 7th time is the charm. [he hands the paddles back to the nurse] Sorry, I'll keep her on bypass until the husband has a chance to say goodbye."
House, I'm not telling her husband anything until I can tell him why his wife--
Surgeon," Doesn't matter, the heart can't start. She's dead."
Cameron, I got you something.
Cameron, I'll miss you. I know you won't miss me but I just thought it'd be nice for you to have that.
Foreman, [gets up] I will miss you. [he hugs her]
House," [walks in] Can I have a hug too? Surgeon found nothing, can't start her heart. [looks at the present] What a thoughtful gift. Nice reminder of intellectual theft to hang at your new place of employment. You two can go, say hi to Chase for me. [He looks at Cameron] You're wearing lipstick."
Cameron, We can stay. We can run another differential.
House," You two have no theories about why the heart stopped. Which means I don't need you, go."
Foreman, It's too late for theories; we need to tell the husband.
House, Tell him what?
Foreman, That it's over.
House, Why?
Cameron, Because her heart won't start!
House," How can we tell him there's no hope if we don't know why there's no hope? He's not going to pull the plug on his wife, he risked his life to get her to me. If he pulls the plug it means he's failed."
Foreman, If he pulls the plug it means you failed.
House, And you're ok with that? Go.
Cameron, Hey.
Chase, Hey. You look great.
Cameron, You know House firing you has nothing to do with you?
Chase, The why doesn't matter.
Cameron, Foreman will end up staying and House will call you and pRobably yell at you for not showing up.
Chase," Its... its okay. He's right; it's time for a change. You were right too, the whole it's Tuesday I like you... it was silly. Oh, don't give me that look, don't feel sorry for me. Getting this job was THE best thing that has Ever happened to me, Everything about it. And losing it? Well I... think it's... gonna be good too."
Cameron, I'll miss you.
Chase, Have you got time for a drink or something?
Cameron, I think I should go.
Chase, [shrugs] Yeah.
Cuddy, [walks in] How's it going?
House, The way the security light hits your legs... looks good.
Cuddy, Thank you.
House," If you're here to yell at me about the Foreman-Chase situation, it can wait."
Cuddy, When do you plan on telling the husband it's time to say goodbye to his wife?
House, Haven't put a clock on it.
Cuddy," Other than your curiosity, do you have any reason to keep her on bypass?"
House, Patient's husband prefers her not dead.
Cuddy, Well you're on a storybook ending for the young Man who crossed the ocean for his wife.
House," This is not an act, I don't care if--"
Cuddy, Then pull the plug.
House, What if I can fix it? Maybe I just don't know it yet.
Cuddy, I know you care--
House," I don't care. I really don't care. My motives are pure - if we do an autopsy, you'll see... oops... if I'd thought of that crazy idea, we could have saved her. And then the husband might be upset."
Cuddy, You've done all you can do. It's time to let go. [she walks out]
House, I was told you didn't beliEve in God.
Esteban," I don't. I promised my wife I do Everything I can to fix her, if I don't pray, then I don't do Everything."
House," It's not working, she's not coming back. If you want to say goodbye, come down to the ICU, then I'll take her off bypass. I'm sorry, I should've-- [Esteban turns to House and clings to him for comfort as he cries]"
Esteban," Marina, I am so sorry. [he strokes her arm lovingly] When you turn the maParkne off, that's it?"
House, [nods] Yeah.
Esteban, Right now is her brain working?
House, PRobably. Just not her heart.
Esteban, She seems like she's just sleeping.
House," She's not sleeping, we double-checked."
Esteban," Te amar� siempre, mi amor.. [kisses Marina's forehead, then puts his head on her chest as he cries]"
Esteban, Her heart... beat.
House," No, it's residual flow from the bypass."
Esteban," No, I can feel it, look."
Esteban," That is her heart, no?"
House," QRST wave, that's a normal normal."
Marina, Esteban?
Esteban, Marina.
House, Holy crap.
Marina, Is this heaven?
House," No, it's New Jersey."
Esteban, God send you back to me. [he kisses her again] It's a miracle.
House, It's impossible.
Cameron, Apparently not.
House, Live hearts don't stop for no reason. Dead hearts don't start for no reason.
Cameron, Apparently they do.
Foreman, [walks in] She's 3 hours off bypass and still stable. And the pain is gone.
House, No it's not.
Cameron, You think she's lying about feeling better?
House, Just 'coz it's not there now doesn't mean it's gone.
Foreman," Just because it was there before doesn't mean it's coming back. Chase was pRobably right, she had some sort of tropical infection that cleared when we put her on antibiotics during the bypass."
House, Antibiotics did not bring her back to life.
Cameron," Other than a miracle, it's the only explanation for her symptoms."
House, How come God gets credit whenEver something good happens? Where was he when her heart stopped? What if it wasn't huMan error? What if it was God's error? A congenital defect in an artery making it susceptible to inflammation. We need to do another angiogram.
Cameron," We've looked at her heart a hundred different ways, there was no evidence--"
House, The one time we looked inside her heart we stopped before we could see anything.
Foreman, Because it stopped.
House," Good news, we think we know what the pRoblem is."
Esteban, You mean was.
House," Hey, it's my first language, not yours. If she wants to outlive Castro, we need to fix her heart."
Marina, Que es lo que quiere? [asks something in Spanish]
House," In case no one's filled you in, today is Monday, which means you've been dead for a day. That kind of symptom comes back it can get serious. I need to do another angiogram."
Esteban," Wait, wasn't that what caused her heart to stop before?"
House," No, God caused that. He's all powerful you know."
Marina," Si, lo es. He was watParkng over us in the ocean and he's watParkng over us now."
House," Your rescuers didn't have wings, they had a helicopter."
Marina, Esteban prayed
House," You know how Many little boys are praying for jet packs? How Many priests are praying for... uhh, that one actually works."
Marina, You didn't bring me back to him
House," I'm not going to take you away from him but if we don't do this test, God will."
Esteban," You said there was no chance, no hope, which means--"
House," Which means I was wrong. But I'm wrong all the time, my mistakes don't prove there's a God. You came a long way to see me, you going to put her life in God's hands or in mine?"
House, Ready?
House," [to Esteban] I better not see you praying! I don't want to have to fight for credit on this. Exiting the femoral, entering the aortic arch."
Foreman, This is where--
House, Where we stopped to have a picnic last week.
Cameron, Her blood pressure's rising.
House," Mine's rising too, 'course I am doing battle with a deity. [continues to concentrate on the procedure] In the heart, injecting the dye."
Cameron," Right coronary flow isn't obstructed, left coronary flow looks normal."
Foreman, Looks like you're wrong.
House," Either I'm right, or this test is about to go very bad."
Cameron, What's that?
House," She has one... two... third ostium. How Many is she supposed to have? [turns to Marina] Dos. [That's two in Spanish] All the third one's doing is causing inflammation, throwing off clots, giving away the angiogram. No huMan would screw up that big! [He directs that at Esteban] Don't worry, just one more surgery and you'll be fine."
Marina, Thank god.
House," [in jest at another reference to thanking god] Don't make me slap you. [Marina laughs, Esteban looks reliEved]"
Chase, Hi.
Cameron, Its Tuesday.
Chase," Uhh... no, it's Monday."
Cameron," I know, it's just... I didn't feel like waiting."
Wilson, [enters] I hear you got another satisfied customer.
House, One more and I get a set of steak knives.
Foreman," [shrugs] Well, this is it. I appreciate the opportunity you gave me."
House," Didn't do it for you, thought you were the best guy for the job."
Foreman," Thanks, I guess."
House," Which is why I want you to stay. You're an important part of the team, I need you."
Foreman," I know. But I don't need you, and I definitely don't want to be you. You're miserable."
House," I just solved a case by predicting a nEver before seen heart defect, a case you couldn't solve, a case you gave up on; I couldn't be happier."
Foreman," For 2 minutes maybe, until the next case comes along, until you're jonesing for your next fix. This Woman talks while in full cardiac arrest and you're more excited about the talking than the heart dying."
House, The two were connected.
Foreman," I don't want to solve cases, I want to save lives."
House, Do you think she cares? Do you think the husband cares? Do you think the Parkldren she can now have because of me are going to care why I saved her?
Foreman, I care.
House, About yourself. About your own ego!
Wilson, [warningly] House.
House," You're the selfish bastard, not me. It's why you took so much pleasure in drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last 3 weeks, wasn't for me, wasn't for anyone, sure as hell didn't help anyone."
Wilson, Nice try.
House, Nice tries are worthless.
House," You now have a bigger office than I do, why don't you go enjoy it."
House, Better be naked pictures.
Cameron, My resignation letter.
Cameron, I've gotten all I can from this job.
House, What do you expect me to do? Break down and apologise? Beg Chase to come back?
Cameron," No, I expect you to do what you always do. I expect you to make a joke and go on. I expect you to be just fine. I'll miss you."
House," Genuine American cigars, you guys can't get them in Cuba, one hundred percent healthy."
Esteban, [pours a drink and passes it to him] Shouldn't you go home?
House," Patient follow-up, very important."
House," She looks great, like she's sleeping."
Esteban," She is sleeping, I double-check. So, they all quit."
House," Two of them quit, I fired the third."
Esteban, It's very hard to lose your people. Must be very upset.
House," Yeah, I must be."
Esteban, But you're not.
House, I don't think I am. I think I'm okay.
Esteban, What are you going to do?
House, God only knows.