name,line
Inmate," Deep fried shrimp, and lobster. I nEver had lobster. What, do you boil 'em or grill 'em? Which one's better? Ah, just get 'em both. And I know I need a strawberry malt, and then there's those chocolate donuts that come in a box?"
Lawyer, We'll do our best to accommodate. Tomorrow you'll be moved to a holding cell. That's where you'll get your last meal. [Close up on other Inmate! let's call him Clarence.] You also have a constitutional right to the spiritual advisor of your choice.
Inmate," Naw, I don't need none of that."
Lawyer," One last thing to think about: After I read the execution warrant, you'll be given an opportunity to make a statement. You might want to take some time and think about what you want to say as your final words. [He leaves.]"
Inmate," Yo, Clarence! You hear that? A spiritual advisor of my choice!"
Clarence," Don't matter, you goin' to hell anyway."
Inmate, You think I'll get another stay?
Clarence, You should. Supreme Court said it ain't right to kill retards.
Warden," Cut the chatter! Exercise time. [The guards come and take Clarence into a room with no windows, only a basketball hoop. They release him from his handcuffs through a hole in the door.] Be back in an hour. Enjoy. [Clarence walks around, and then pretends to shoot some hoops. Suddenly, a Woman appears in the room.]"
Woman," Why did you hit me so Many times, Clarence?"
Clarence, You know why!
Woman, You could have stopped. [Another person appears.]
Man," You stabbed me in the back, Man."
Clarence," I nEver st ""�"
Man, You couldn't fight fair.
Clarence, Like you did? [A guard appears.]
Guard, I had a wife and three kids.
Clarence, You are a sick bastard! Open the door! Open the door! [Another Man appears.]
James, You can't go in there.
House," Who are you, and why are you wearing a tie?"
James, I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?
House, Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.
James," I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers."
House," Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well, I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word ""ka-Parkng""� mean anything to you? I'm going in now. [House enters.]"
Cuddy," Dr. House, we are in the middle of a meeting."
House, What's with hiring a male secretary? JDate not working out?
Stacy, He is cute. Be careful.
House, She's not like you. She can't just walk into a bar and pick up her soul mate in twenty minutes.
Stacy," I met Mark at a fundraiser that happened to be held at a ""�"
House, You met me at a strip club.
Stacy, You were the worst two dollars I Ever spent. [to Cuddy] We'll catch up later.
Cuddy," Stacy, it's House. I know you can handle it."
Stacy, Nothing to handle. He obviously wants to talk to you alone. [She leaves.]
Cuddy, If you have a pRoblem working with Stacy you should have said so.
House, What was I supposed to do? Ask her to leave? That's just rude. Death row guy. I want the case.
Cuddy, How do you Even know about him? You don't have access to the hospital's mainframe.
House," No, but ""partypants""� does."
Cuddy, You stole my password?
House, Hardly counts as stealing; it's a pretty obvious choice.
Cuddy," Well, I have already assigned Death Row Guy to Dr. Nolo."
House," Nolo? Well, I don't want to say anything bad about another doctor, but! especially a useless drunk!"
Cuddy, You are addicted to pain pills.
House, But I'm not useless. Tell Nolo I'm talking over.
Cuddy, Dr. Nolo is a board certified cardiologist.
House," Oh, good. I'm sure he'll explore all the usual options for why a guy's heart starts beating so fast it pumps out air instead of blood. Wait a second ""� there are no usual options!"
Cuddy, How badly do you want this?
House, I will give you two more clinic hours this week.
Cuddy, Don't bend over for the soap. [She hands him the file.]
Cameron," Just the heart, or the Patient have any other complaints?"
House, The Patient's not talking to anybody.
Cameron, Where are we going?
House, You are going to the clinic for two hours.
Cameron, Me? Why?
House," Talk to Cuddy. She's got me going to Mercer State Prison, Capital Sentences unit, I don't know."
Foreman, Aren't there better ways to spend our time?
House, Good question. What makes a person deserving? Is a Man who cheats on his wife more deserving than a Man who kills his wife?
Foreman," Uh! yeah. Actually, he is."
House," What about a Parkld molester? Certainly not a good guy, but he didn't kill anybody. Maybe he can get antibiotics, but no MRIs. What about you? What medical care should you be denied for being a car thief? Tell you what: the three of you work out a list of what medical treatments a person loses based on the crime they committed. I'll review it when I get back. [House leaves the hospital. Chase and Foreman exit the lobby, which leaves Cameron to do the clinic hours.]"
Warden," Your Patient shanked one inmate his first month here, broke another one's neck, nearly decapitated one of my guards!"
House," Relax, I've got a great bedside Manner."
Warden," Too dangerous to House him in the infirmary. You don't have to worry, we've taken Every precaution. I've had my men clear from the cell all pens, paperclips and staplers. Any supplies that might be used as a weapon. [We see Clarence, shackled to a cot in a room full of office supplies.] Open her up! For your visit, we've got him cuffed and shackled."
House," And yet, you're staying out there."
Warden," [nodding, then grabbing House's cane] Uhp! You're going to have to give me that. Wouldn't want anybody to get hurt."
Cameron, [entering] Hi.
Cindy, Hi.
Cameron, I'm Dr. Cameron. How're you feeling?
Cindy," Eh. Little cough, no big deal."
Cameron, Okay. What're you doing here?
Cindy," I just got a job at the university. They need a health clearance. Apparently I'm a little anemic, so they made me get some more tests."
Cameron, Any family history of anemia?
Cindy," Not that I know of. My mom died of cancer when I was a kid, my dad's heart gave out a couple of years ago."
Cameron, Brothers and sisters?
Cindy," I'm afraid it's a short family history. That's it. I had a husband once, but! didn't stick. My tests should be back, pRobably in that file."
Cameron," PRobably. [She looks at the lung x-ray, and then looks concerned.]"
Cindy, Is Everything okay?
Wilson, Did you redo the x-ray?
Cameron, Twice.
Wilson," Well, you don't need a consult. You know the diagnosis."
Cameron, All she has is a cough.
House," Bluish tinge to the fingernails, lips! he's hypoxic."
Warden, What's that mean?
House," It means he's not getting enough oxygen. You know how people say you can't live without love? Well, oxygen's Even more important. He's got fluid in his lungs, breathing rate of 50! he needs to be intubated and put on a respirator."
Warden, Don't have a respirator.
House," Better get one in about an hour, or you're gonna lose him."
Warden, I'll make out a requisition. The state's already sentenced this Man to die.
House," [flipping open his cell phone] I think the state was a tad more specific about ""how""�. [on the phone] This is Dr. Gregory House. I need an ambulance to pick-up at Mercer State Prison."
Warden," Wasted call, my men will stop them at the gate. No way a Death Row inmate leaves my prison, at least not through the front doors."
House, You work fast.
Stacy, So do you.
House, Was that a shot?
Stacy," Yeah. It was easy once I convinced the clerk to take it to Judge Markem, she's a sucker for Eighth Amendment arguments."
House," Stop, I'm getting turned on."
Cuddy, House!
House, [in his best Scooby-Doo imitation] Ruh-row!
Cuddy, It was just a consult! You expect us to shut down an entire floor for this guy?!
House, Did you do something to your hair?
Cuddy, Stacy?!
Stacy," You said you cleared with her ""�"
House, Come on. You've known me how long and you still don't know when I'm joshin' ya?
Cuddy, Take him back to prison. Now.
House," No, can't. See, ironically I'm bound by this court order which your ace attorney got. I have to make him all better before shipping him back for the state to kill him. Is it just me, or is that weird? Anyway, we're walking."
House, Somebody left this on my chair. It's clEver. Forces me to either deal with the file or nEver sit down again.
Cameron, Cindy Kramer. I told her you'd see her.
House," You shouldn't have told her that. She's got metastatic squamous cell lung cancer, six months, tops."
Cameron, Have you Even looked at the x-ray?
House," No, just guessing. It's a new game. If I'm wrong, she gets a stuffed bear."
Cameron, A spot on a x-ray doesn't necessarily mean that she's terminal.
House, I love Parkldren. So filled with hope.
Cameron, It could be pneumonia. It could be sarcodosis.
House," Could be, if she didn't already have swollen hilar lymph nodes on the other lung."
Cameron," Could we at least brainstorm for other ideas? [He takes the x-ray and puts it up on the light board.] Thank you. [He begins to write on the board.] I still think it could be pneumonia and sarcodosis, but we should check for tuberculosis and definitely rule out congestive heart failure. [She looks to see that House has written ""denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance""� on the board.] The five stages of dying."
House," Exactly. Personally, I think it's all just new-age crap, but from your tear-filled, puppy-dog eyes I think I've made my point. Now go tell Cindy WhatEver-her-name-is that she's dying. [He walks into Diagnostics, where Chase and Foreman are sitting.] Tachycardia, pulmonary edema, likely suspects?"
Cameron, [following him in] The Death Row guy? That's who you're working on instead of Cindy?
House," God, I've got to learn not to beat around the bush. By dying, I meant no matter what we do. Very, very soon she is going to be dead. Is it still to subtle?"
Cameron, I took an oath to do no harm.
House," Yeah, well, it's not like they make you sign it or anything."
Cameron," We cure your Patient, he goes back to Death Row. He goes back to Death Row, they kill him!"
House," He stays here and we don't treat him, he dies, and I still don't treat Cindy Lou-Who."
Foreman, Can we get on with this?
House," Yeah, I knew I could count on your help for your homie."
Foreman," [sarcastically] Exactly, I'm black. I sympathize for guys who grew up in the city kept down by the Man. [Chase smirks.]"
House, Makes sense to me.
Foreman," It's a bunch of crap. You can't blame society for the fact that you chose to become a killer. The guy's pRobably a heroin addict, that explains the tachycardia, which caused the pulmonary edema."
Chase, How does an inmate on Death Row get his hands on heroin?
Foreman, Are you serious?
House," The Man knows prisons. When we've got a yachting question, we'll come to you. Okay, drugs it is. Test his hair, blood, urine, the works. [Chase and Foreman get up, Cameron still has her angry face on. House makes an ""after you""� motion with his hand.]"
Cameron, Thanks for getting my back. I thought you seminary boys were against the death penalty.
Chase, I left the seminary.
Cameron, Over their stance on capital punishment?
Chase," I'm against the death penalty in principle. In practice, howEver, watParkng a murderer die causes me a lot less grief than annoying my boss. [The three are stopped by guards who pat them down before they can go to see Clarence.]"
Guard, We gotta check you out before you go in.
Cameron, Department of Justice statistics show that it's a racially motivated form of punishment. Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than whites.
Foreman," Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, do we? It just means we need to kill more white people. [Clarence wakes up with a start.] It's okay, you're in a hospital, we're taking care of you. [He starts to move around violently.]"
Clarence, Water! water.
House, What's the differential for being thirsty?
Chase," He was just a little dehydrated, and out of his mind. We upped his saline drip, he's fine now."
Foreman," Blood and urine tests came back clean, no sign of opiates in his system. [Cameron grabs a marker and is about to write on the board, when! ]"
House, Don't do that.
Cameron," What, you have some House theory explaining heroin use despite a negative test?"
House," Nope. Only I get to write on the board. [I'll just take this moment to say that I love that the board is titled ""Dead Man Dying""�. All right, go on.] So it's not drugs. What else can cause the heart to do wind sprints? You got the blood work back, any ""� [Stacy walks into his office and looks at him through the wall] ""� thing out of the ordinary?"
Chase, His bi-carb is low.
House," Yeah, but which column? Could be the result of the tachycardia, could be the cause?"
Cameron, It's the cause.
House," Why, because you want it to be? Let's see how well that works with your other Patient."
Cameron, We're just talking seMantics here. We should put him on a bi-carb drip and send him back.
House," Right, buff his numbers. Don't bother trying to figure out the underlying cause. I thought you cared about Patients."
Foreman," Our job isn't to make sure he can bounce his grandkids on his lap, our job is to get him healthy enough to go back to Death Row."
House," [closing the blinds so he can't see Stacy] Our job is to diagnose him. What? Mommy and Daddy are having a little fight, it doesn't mean we stop loving you. Now, go outside and play. Get Daddy some smokes and an arterial blood gas test. [They all exit. As House leaves, he nearly runs into Stacy, who does not look amused.] Wow. That was impressive. Okay, what number am I thinking of?"
Stacy," Were you trying to get me fired? If you didn't want me working here, why didn't you just say so?"
House," I just don't want you working right here, in my office. But anywhere else in the building is fine. It's a big hospital."
Stacy, I'm a Lawyer. You're a jerk. There's gonna to be some overlap.
House," God, I hope that was a euphemism."
Stacy, Cuddy just reamed me.
House, I hope that one means what I think it means.
Stacy, For trusting you! She figured when she hired me she'd at least have someone you couldn't walk all over.
House," The number was six, by the way."
Stacy," I need to know, can I trust you?"
House," If I hadn't lied to you about Cuddy's approval, my Patient would be dead."
Stacy, Great. Now I know. Now we can work together.
Foreman, I'm drawing some blood from your femoral artery.
Clarence, From my what?
Foreman, Runs through your groin.
Clarence, You think you're gonna stick me in the jewels with that?
Foreman," It's really closer to your thigh. Technically, at this point, it seems like your jewels are more for display purposes, anyway."
Clarence," Hold up, hold up. Give me some pain killers, or something."
Foreman, Tough guy like you don't need 'em.
Clarence," Forget that, numb me up, Man. [Foreman gets the painkillers, and starts to inject it. As he does, Clarence notices a tattoo on his wrist.] You got some gang ink? Let me see that."
Foreman," It's a Native American symbol. It means ""the force of life.""�"
Clarence, That's what you tell all these white dudes so they let you play doctor?
Foreman, Yep. Got 'em all fooled.
Clarence," For real, how a brother like you go from gang-banger to wearing a white coat?"
Foreman, How's a brother like you go from loving a Woman to punParkng her skull in?
Clarence, Bitch stepped out. [Foreman stabs him with the needle.] Argh! [Foreman raises an eyebrow.]
Foreman, Sorry about that. Guess I didn't use enough lidocaine.
Foreman, Blood gas came back with a pH of 7.28 and decreased HCO3.
House," Which means two things. Most importantly, Cameron was wrong about the bi-carb, and less significantly, we have a new symptom. Anion gap acidosis. Who's chubby? Come on, pretend he loves puppies. Pretend he's a huMan being. What've you got?"
Foreman, I think we should reconsider drugs.
Chase, He already tested negative.
Foreman," That's why I said reconsider. Back in juvie, I cut up oregano and sold it as pot."
Chase, Is that how you put yourself through med school?
Foreman," What if Clarence thought he was taking heroin, but it was something else?"
House," What ""something else""� could lead to anion gap acidosis?"
Chase, Mudpiles.
House," Well, you don't have to ask. Just wash your hands before you come back."
Chase," Methanol, uremia, diabetes!"
House," Oh, it's a mnemonic. That makes sense, too."
Cameron," Paraldehyde, INH, lactic acid ""�"
House, Rewind.
Cameron, INH?
House, Yahtzee!
Foreman, Drugs for tuberculosis.
Chase, Nearly a quarter of the prison population is infected with TB.
House," ClEver entrepreneur like Foreman here, chops up his meds, passes it off as heroin."
Cameron, INH poisoning would explain all the symptoms.
House, Who wants to head over to the prison and find Clarence's secret stash? [No one looks too thrilled.]
Foreman," Fine, I'll do it."
House," Great, Chase it is."
Chase, I assume you have a reason beyond wanting to make me completely miserable?
House, You've got a prettier mouth. Better chance the inmates will open up to you.
Guy with bandages all around his face," Perhaps I'll come out looking just as monsterous? I mean, isn't that what I deserve? [House is watParkng the program in a hospital room, eating lunch, next to a Patient who looks very inert. Enter Wilson.]"
Wilson, The Man's in a coma.
House, He didn't mind. I asked.
Wilson, You're getting crumbs all over him.
House," Why do you think they put TVs in coma Patients' rooms, anyway?"
Wilson, Some people think they can still hear.
House, So leave them a radio. His eyes are closed; who thinks they can see? [Wilson sits on the opposite side of the bed.]
Wilson, Do you know why people are nice to other people?
House," Oh, I know this one. Because people are good, decent and caring. Either that, or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually assured destruction."
Wilson," Exactly. You're gonna eat these Parkps? [He reaches for them, but House grabs them away.]"
House, You gonna get to your point?
Wilson, You need people to like you.
House, I don't care if people like me.
Wilson," !Yes. But you need people to like you because you need people. Unless you think you can get the next court order yourself. If Stacy can't trust you, you can't use her. [House hands over the Parkp bag.] And that's not Even dealing with the greater agenda ""� [House takes the bag back before Wilson can have any] of getting her to dump her husband and fall in love with you all over again."
House," Look I know you're friends with her, but there is a code. Bros before hos, Man. [He sticks his fist out, but his pager beeps. After looking at it -- ] Crap."
Wilson, What is it?
House, Death Row guy is dying.
Foreman," Bradycardia. His heart rate's dropped to 30, it's not going to hold that much longer."
House," Are you just waiting to call time of death, or are you gonna give him atropine?"
Foreman, Temporary fix?
House, Right. Don't know why those diabetics are all hung up on insulin. They're just gonna have to have to take more. [He starts to push the Atropine into the IV.]
Foreman," Atropine's only gonna buy you a few hours! We don't Even know what's wrong with him ""�"
House, Just get out of here. [Foreman leaves as Clarence's heart rate starts to climb.]
Chase, [on cell] This is Chase.
House, [from the hospital desk near Diagnostics] Did you beat any confessions out of anybody?
Chase, I haven't spoken to any inmates.
House, Does anybody do their jobs anymore?
Chase, I've decided Clarence's life isn't worth risking mine for.
House, I appreciate your candor. Did you Even go to the prison or are you just out playing polo?
Chase," I'm searParkng both Clarence's cells. I figure, if he's on something, it's stashed somewhere."
House, Unless he finished it.
Chase," Yeah, that'd be a shame. He could have shoved it anywhere, there's envelopes stacked to the ceiling, bottles of copier toner, boxes of rubber bands [he goes on, but House has heard enough]"
House, Call it off. Come on back.
Clarence, What's going on?
House, You're dying. [ -- and takes out a bottle of rum and pours two shots' worth.] A Man deserves a last drink.
Clarence, You're okay.
House, Thanks. That means a lot. [He helps Clarence to drink his shot.]
Cindy, All the tests have been inconclusive?
Cameron, Diagnostics is more of an art than a science.
Cindy, Should I be worried right now?
Cameron, I work for one of the top diagnosticians in the country. We're pouring all of our energy into figuring this out.
House," [slurred slightly] Thought you convicts knew how to drink. You're at least three shots behind. [He looks as if he's going to offer a shot to Clarence, but drinks it himself.] Now you're four shots behind."
Clarence," You better give me the next one or I'm gonna kill you. [Pause, then they both laugh. Cameron enters quickly.]"
Cameron," House ""� [She stops short as she sees House laughing and pouring shots.] I was just waiting for test results, I was!"
House, Little busy right now. Getting my drink on.
Cameron, Unbelievable.
Clarence, Oof. That's the finest piece I've seen in ten years.
House, I could've hit that.
Clarence, And you didn't.
House, Eh.
Clarence, Then you're the one that should be locked up.
House," Tell me something, I've been trying to figure this out. Why does a guy ""� [He gives Clarence another shot] ""� who's on Death Row suddenly try to off himself? I know you drank that copier fluid. It's not as visually dramatic as slitting your wrists with a homemade shiv, but it'll do the trick."
Clarence," It just hit me all of a sudden. It was like, they tell me when to eat, when to sleep, when to walk, when to talk, Everything. I had to take control of something, right? When to die, I figured that was as good as anything."
House, [pouring more rum] And that thought just came to you. Just like that.
Clarence," Man, I told you. Twenty-three hours a ""� [House forces another shot down his throat.]"
House," Mmm. Well, look. Here's the good news. The copier fluid you drank contains about 90% methanol, which is very poisonous and you took more than enough to kill yourself. The bad news is the alcohol you just drank contains so much ethanol that it's gonna bind with that nasty formic acid raging through your body, and you're just gonna pee it out. Harmlessly."
Clarence," Man, you are drunk."
House," Yes, I am. I also saved your life. [And, a shot for House! Laughing] At least for now."
Stacy, Morning! [House winces at the sound.] Your head hurt?
House," No, you just have a very grating voice."
Stacy, You always were a light weight.
House, Why are you talking to me?
Stacy," Can't it be enough that I want to cause you pain? The Patient's okay now, you're going to send him back?"
House," Absolutely. [He walks into the elevator. Oh elevator, I've missed you! The door of the elevator almost closes, but House stops it with his cane, and it opens again.] Can I trust you?"
Stacy, You used to.
House," I still think the Patient's sick. I'm keeping him here. Now, either you can do your job and keep the hospital informed, or you can help me make sure the hospital is not informed and buy me some time. [The door closes.]"
Chase, Have you done a CT?
Cameron," Yeah, I have."
Foreman, With contrast?
House," [entering] She's done Everything she needs to do except tell her Patient that she's dying. I told you, only I get to play with the markers. [He erases what she wrote.] Our prisoner has a new symptom."
Cameron, I'm not telling Cindy she's dying until the diagnosis is confirmed.
House, I'm not buying that CLARENCE is trying to take control of his life by suicide. Healthy people don't kill themselves.
Foreman, Healthy people don't kill other people.
House, Guy just filed an appeal in a state that hasn't actually killed anybody in about 30 years.
Chase," What if it wasn't suicide? What if it was an escape plan? Drink enough methanol to get transferred to a hospital, try to escape from here?"
House," Excellent. Explains Everything, except the symptom that got him here. His heart went nuts before he got stuck in that storage cell and chugged a toner martini. I think there's something going on in his head. Check for intracranial lesions, brain infections, autoimmune diseases! do a CT, LP, full workup. State's paying, so go nuts. [They all leave, Cameron in a huff.]"
Foreman, Where'd you get these scars?
Clarence, I got shived my first month in. After I healed up I got mines. You guys still think I'm sick?
Foreman, [prepping a needle] Obviously.
Clarence, Why you care? Why don't you just let me die?
Foreman," Well, I'm different than you."
Clarence," Right, you love me like your own mama. That's why the nurse says you kicked her out when my heart nearly stopped."
Foreman, Take a deep breath. [He sticks Clarence in the spine with the needle.] Any family history of mental illness?
Clarence," I always heard my pa was crazy; I nEver met the Man. With my mom, it was the drugs."
Foreman, Any siblings?
Clarence," Got a brother, pretty much raised him on my own."
Foreman," Inspirational story. He doin' time, too?"
Clarence, Hey. He's a good kid. Don't go judgin' what you don't know.
Foreman, How's his health?
Clarence," I haven't heard from him since I went inside. Spent 16 years with him, changed his damn diapers. Can you imagine your whole life bein' about the worst thing you Ever did?"
Foreman," You killed four people. Somehow, making mac and cheese just the way he wants kind of loses its significance."
House, Oh no. Now you've left your entire body in my chair. What does that mean you want?
Cameron, I need a segmental bronchoalveolar lavage.
House, I take it the CT with contrast came back.
Cameron, They're not definitive.
House, Biopsy would be.
Cameron, Biopsy would be invasive and unnecessary.
House," And definitive. But you don't want definitive, you want to hang on to your delusions as long as you can."
Cameron, A lavage could prove it's not cancer.
House, But you need me to approve the procedure. Must be a bitch. The answer is no.
Cameron," Why? Because it's me? I'm over you. I've jumped on the bandwagon. I hate you, okay?"
House, Great. Let's treat her.
Cameron," What is it? You won't help Cindy but you're obsessed with this piece of dirt! Are you just trying to prove that who someone is doesn't matter, that all that matters is your stupid puzzle? Fine. Treat them the same. That's all I'm asking. One test."
House," Wow, that is remarkable. According to those patchouli-oli selling new-agers, it's supposed to be the terminal Patient, but you're going through the five stages. You just made a completely seamless transition from anger to bargaining. Cover two more of my clinic hours, and you can have your one procedure. [Cameron nods and leaves.]"
Chase," No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal."
Foreman," If someone asks you to describe me to them, what's the first thing you'd tell them?"
Chase, Insecure. What are you asking?
Foreman," Like, if you were setting me up on a blind date. Would you describe me to the girl as the black guy, a neurologist, car thief?"
Chase," This guy's really getting to you, isn't he?"
Cameron, There's no sign of infection.
Wilson, You're gonna have to do the biopsy.
Cuddy, Your Death Row guy's still here!
House," Yeah, sorry. Just gotta get him stabilized. PRobably keep him on fluids for a few more hours, then off he goes."
Cuddy, Oh yeah? 'Cause I'm figuring that you still think he's sick.
House," Figuring requires deductive reasoning. I'm figuring that you did no figuring. Stacy just ratted me out, right? So much for attorney-client privledge."
Cuddy," I'm the client, you moron. Stacy has a duty to this hospital."
House, Right.
Cuddy, I'm sending him back to prison.
House," Whoa, can't. Court order."
Cuddy," Court order says he has to be declared healthy. Doesn't specify what doctor needs to make that declaration. [Cuddy leaves, and House goes to follow.]"
Cuddy," [bored] What is it, Clarence?"
Clarence, My gut!
Cuddy, Would you describe it as a shooting pain? A thRobbing pain? Or maybe an imaginary pain because you don't want to go back to prison?
House, Where does it hurt?
Clarence," My gut, I feel like I'm getting stabbed! [Screams again.]"
House," Well, he'd know. Let me take a look."
Cuddy," Oh, so Everybody lies except a convicted murderer. [CGI shot of some nasty stuff in Clarence's bowels. Ew. House removes the covers to rEveal blood flowing out of Clarence's nether regions. More ew.]"
House," I don't think he's faking this stuff. What do you think, Doctor? [Clarence screams a lot more for emphasis.]"
Stacy, I didn't have any choice.
House," No, you had to tell Cuddy. She's your boss, I get it. Hitler thought he was doing the world a favor, too."
Stacy," Yeah, pretty much on that same lEvel."
House," Gandhi didn't march the sea because his buddies asked him too, Pol Pot didn't wipe out the teachers because he wanted to make friends."
Stacy, You're not making friends right now.
House, I trusted you.
Stacy, I know.
House, Wilson's a fool. I'm an idiot.
Stacy, I had to do what I thought was right.
House, It's the only reason anybody does anything.
Foreman, The surgery went fine. They removed almost a foot of necrotic bowel. They're shackling him and taking him to recovery.
House, I wonder. I wonder why Clarence killed that second inmate.
Foreman," Fine, I'll bite. What the hell are you talking about?"
House, Everything we do is dictated by motive. [As he erases the white board] Why did he kill his girlfriend?
Foreman, Because he's a Maniac!
House, Is that the reason he gave?
Foreman, She was cheating on him.
House," Jealousy. [He writes it on the board.] That gets him sent to prison, where he kills inmate number one. Why?"
Foreman, Guy attacked him first.
House, REvenge. Who'd he killed after that?
Chase, Prison guard.
House, Who had a file full of abusive complaints. PRobably been kicking Clarence's ass for months.
Foreman, Clarence is just ridding the world of bad seeds.
House," Call that one ""retribution""�. Then he kills inmate number two. Anybody know why? [Chase looks through the file.] Nuh-uh. It's not in there. [He draws a giant question mark.]"
Clarence, All of a sudden I got to have a reason?
House," It's an anomaly. Doctors love anomalies. Dark spot on an x-ray, bright spot on an MRI!. Killing that second inmate is the homicidal equivalent of blood in the urine. It doesn't fit. I'm interested in things that don't fit. Tell me why you did it. Your other victims you were almost bragging about. What was different about this guy?"
Clarence," It happened when I was in gen-pop. I was in the library, just readin', and I started feelin' real nervous. This guy was staring at me, I could feel his eyes digging holes in the back of my neck, it made me feel crazy. Sweat was pouring down my face. I could hear my heartbeat racing in my ears. I just raged out on the dude."
House, So what's the differential for raging out?
Foreman," Excess testosterone, steroids ""�"
Chase," Adrenaline ""�"
House, Prep Clarence for surgery.
Foreman, Care to share with the class.
House," Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it. [Ed. ""� But I do!] But you said it yourself, adrenaline. Pheochomocytoma sits on top of the adrenal gland, randomly spits out oodles of the stuff. It's perfect, it explains Everything. The tachycardia, pulmonary edema, the vasoconstriction that caused the necrotic bowel ""�"
Chase, Even explains how he had the strength to rip the rail off his bed. [House enters the elevator.]
Foreman, But pheo's extremely rare.
House, I love rare. Set up an MRI. Where's Cameron? [They shrug.] Like I don't know.
Wilson," Dr. Cameron? Could I borrow you for a consult? [She goes outside.] Bittersweet thing about being head of the oncology department, I get CCed in all the biopsy results."
Cameron," Yeah, I know. She's terminal."
Wilson, Yeah. So I take it you were in there informing her?
Cameron," Well, I! I hadn't exactly gotten around to that, but I was just ""�"
Wilson, Doing what? Making friends?
Cameron," Cindy's divorced. She doesn't have any kids, no siblings, both her parents are gone ""�"
Wilson," It's not your job to be her friend. Do you understand? And it's not worth it. She feels better her few final days, and you're not the same, maybe for years."
Cameron, You don't think it's worth it.
Wilson, I know it's not worth it.
Cameron," My husband w ""� [She stops, looks at Cindy, and turns back.] I met him just after he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. If I hadn't married him, he was alone. When a good person dies, there should be an impact on the world. Somebody should notice. Somebody should be upset. [She goes back in.]"
Clarence, Pheo what?
House," I don't Even remember. It's just a fancy way of saying small, adrenaline-secreting tumor. Yeah, that clarified it for you. All you need to know is if I'm right, we can fix it. Just gotta to find it first. We need an MRI. It's completely painless for most people."
Clarence, But not for me?
House, I assume you got those tattoos in prison. Prison tats often contain inks with heavy metals. The MRI's basically a giant magnet. It'd suck those metallic inks right out of your skin.
House, Stop squirming. Don't make us do this again. Big baby.
Chase, Still don't see anything.
Clarence, Turn it off!
House," There's Waldo. Found it, Clarence."
Clarence, Turn it off! Turn this damn thing off!
House, Keep him in there until you guys see it too. [He leaves.]
Foreman, Son of a bitch.
Foreman, Looks like they got the pheo out successfully. So what now?
House, Clarence goes back to Death Row.
Foreman, Just like that?
House, He's cured.
Foreman," That tumor caused random shots of adrenaline, which obviously led to the rage attacks that made him become a murderer in the first place."
House," My God, you're right! Let's call the surgeons, we've got to save that tumor. Put it on the witness stand."
Foreman, We could testify at Clarence's appeal.
House," [sniffs] You smell that? I think that is the stink of hypocrisy. You wouldn't Even consider the notion that Clarence's social upbringing was responsible for what he became, but now you're sprinting to the witness stand to blame Everything on a little tumor."
Foreman, A person's upbringing and their biology are completely different.
House," Yeah. See, you only overcame one of them. Well, let's just give Clarence a free pass, hmmm? Which, is pRobably going to piss off all those other pheo sufferers who Managed to control their rage attacks and become Lawyers, race car doctors, or Even doctors. Removing that tumor puts a stop to those random shots adrenaline, it doesn't absolve him."
Foreman, You want him to be executed?
House, That's not what I'm saying.
Foreman, Got an opinion?
House," Everyone's got an opinion. [Foreman turns to leave as ""Hallelujah""�, the most overused great song in media begins to play.]"
Foreman," I, um, I think I'm gonna testify at Clarence's appeal."
House, You'll do what you think is right. On your own time. [He leaves.]
Cindy," But it's just a cough. [Cameron tries not to cry, and gives Cindy a hug.]"
Mom, 10-minute warning
Mom, What about your meds?
Wilson, House! Need you.
House," Uh uh, forget it. I'm going home."
Wilson, Hay fEver?
House," Boy, you must be a doctor and Everything!"
Wilson, Two minutes.
House," No, the purple thingy on the file means that ""whoEver""� is one of yours, which means cancer, which means no way is it two minutes."
Wilson," Fine, I'm lying. 30 minutes."
House, Mystery of life.
Wilson, Benadryl might help.
House, I already did 1000 milligrams. [He sneezes]
Wilson, Steam room?
House, Why Jimmy. We'll talk about this in the morning.
Wilson, I've got a nine year old with cancer. Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma. Terminal kid trumps your stuffy nose.
House, Not yet.
Wilson, She's hallucinating. [He said the magic word]
House, So the Rhabdo's in her brain. Make her comfortable she's got about a week.
Wilson," Yeah except there is no cancer in her brain. Pristine CT scan, blood tests, protein markers all negative."
House, The cancer's in remission? Which means the hallucinations are unconnected.
Wilson, Fascinating huh? And not that it matters but if you fix whatEver's going on in her head you give her maybe another year. Long time for a nine year old.
House, No. It'll just fly by.
Cameron," Five major surgeries, a bone marrow transplant, 14 rounds of chemo and blast radiation."
Chase, If it was me I'd just stay home and watch TV or something. Not lie here under a microscope.
House," Don't worry, anything happens to you nobody's is going to lift a finger. Differential diagnosis on your marks, get set!"
Foreman, Hallucinations could be caused by!
House, Whoa. Wait for it! [Pause] and go.
Foreman, Latent neurotoxicity from the chemo treatments.
Cameron, No. The Patient's last round of chemo was two months ago. We would have seen it by now.
Chase, Genetic component.
Foreman," No, nothing on mom. Dad split when she was pregnant [ Cameron hands House a cup of tea] his medical history is also clean."
House, What a guy.
Chase, What about graft vs. host disease from the bone marrow transplant? Infection travels to her brain and she has hallucinations.
Foreman, Blood work and LP were clean.
House, [Looking at the scan] But where there's infection there's meningial swelling.
Foreman, That CT shows no meningial involvement.
House, True. Get a tox screen and MRI.
Foreman, We can do that if you want to ignore what we just discussed.
House, Sounds good.
Cameron, Toxic exposure doesn't make chronological sense.
House," Yes, there is a third option � she's making it all up because she doesn't want to get in trouble for breaking a mirror. Unfortunately we can't test for that so! [He looks at Chase] Tox screen, MRI and you [He looks at Cameron] stay away from the Patient."
Cameron, What'd I do?
House," Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle. Chase you handle the mom. Tell her that you'd just sit home and watch TV and die, but you're going to go though the motions of trying to save her daughters life. It's a doctor thing. [They begin to exit and he sips the tea] What the hell is this?"
Cameron, Black walnut and ginger.
House, It's nice.
Chase, Let's lay you down and I'll attach this thingamajiggy.
Andie, Sat monitor.
Chase," Oh, a pro. I don't have to explain anything. I like it. [He's prepping her and finds her central line]"
Andie, Central line for the chemo.
Chase, Yeah. It doesn't hurt or anything does it?
Andie, No it's awesome. Instead of an IV; it saves me a lot of time and a bunch of needle sticks.
Chase," Don't think I've Ever heard anyone say they like their central line before. Alright, can I interest you in a walk in the Park? [He turns on the wall monitor]"
Andie, No thanks.
Chase, Okay. [He changes the image to a field of butterflies]
Andie," Don't want any butterflies either; doesn't matter what the walls look like, you're still looking for cancer."
Chase," Not today. We're looking for an infection, but I get your point. You comfortable?"
Andie, Yep.
Chase, Alright let's get this over with.
Andie, A pro. I like it.
House, Whoa look at the time I should have been out of here 20 minutes ago.
Nurse, You've only been here 20 minutes.
House, Can't slip anything by you can I.
Nurse, There's a Patient in one.
House, I'm taking a sick day.
Cuddy, Take some Claritin.
House, Everyone's a doctor suddenly.
Nurse, Patient in one requested a male doctor.
Cuddy," Balls are in your court, Doctor."
House, Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.
Cuddy, Exam room one.
House, Well it's sexist and a very dangerous precedent; if people could choose the sex of their doctors you gals would be out of business.
Cuddy, Exam room one.
House," Sore throat? [We see the Patient holding an open book in front of him, he removes it to rEveal blood stained pants] Well it's not lupus. Well not Everyone can operate a zipper; the up, the down. What comes next?"
Patient, My new girlfriend nEver been with a guy who wasn't c-circumcised so she freaked and�
House," Aha, and you wanted Rivkah to feel all gemutlicht. I get it it's a shandah."
Patient, I got some box cutters and uh!
House, Just like Abraham did it.
Patient," I sterilized them which, uh, I was told you're!"
House, Stop talking. I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon. Get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.
Foreman," House. Hey, House. Andie's MRI and tox screen were clean. No infection. No neurotoxins."
House," Oxygen saturation is 94%, check her heart."
Foreman, Her oxygen saturation is normal.
House, It's off by one percentage point.
Foreman, It's within range. It's normal.
House," If her DNA was off by one percentage point she'd be a dolphin. We've got a Patient, who for no obvious reason is hallucinating. Since it's not obvious, I thought we'd go with subtle."
Cameron, It doesn't matter if her sat percentage is off that means her blood isn't getting enough oxygen. That's a pRoblem with her lungs not her heart
Foreman, A lung pRoblem isn't causing hallucinations.
Chase, But the lungs could lead us somewhere that is.
House, Welcome to the end of the thought process.
Chase, Primary pulmonary hypertension.
Cameron, Maybe PE or pulmonary fibrosis.
Foreman, Could be some bizarre case of kyphoscoliosis. [Chase laughs]
House," I'm going home. While I'm resting you guys get some arterial blood gasses. Once you confirm she is hypoxic I want a plethysmography, Chest X-ray, CT and VQ. And if all that comes back negative then snake a catheter into her lungs. Don't worry, I don't sleep in. I'll get bagels."
Chase, You Ever had this test before? [Andie shakes her head]
Andie, What's it for?
Chase, This goes all the way up the vein by your hip into your lung. If I find something up there blocking anything I pull it out. Simple.
Andie, Its gonna be easy. The doctor at Sloan told me I had a great aorta.
Chase," Oh, you have had this test before."
Andie, Sorry. I just like hearing you talk.
Andie, I've nEver kissed a boy.
Chase, There's time yet for that.
Andie, There was a boy last summer; I was at one of those cancer camps.
Chase, Uh huh.
Andie, I just nEver had the guts to ask him. You know there's a good chance I'm not gonna walk out of this hospital. Even if I do I'm nine. There's not a lot of kissing going on in the third grade.
Chase," You will walk out of here, alright, and you will kiss a boy. There you go. A smile."
Andie, Will you kiss me?
Chase, No.
Andie, No one will Ever know.
Chase, I'm! I'm! I'm sorry I can't.
Andie, I won't tell anyone.
Chase," Listen, you're nine years old I'm thirty."
Andie, I just want to know what it feels like. Once.
Chase, This isn't your last chance for that.
Andie, What if it is? Please kiss me.
House, Bagels.
Foreman, You didn't sleep in.
House, Didn't sleep. Didn't breathe. I'm dying.
Chase, Pulmonary angiogram of Andie's lungs was clean. Arterial blood gasses and a CT scan were also normal. Her heart and lungs are fine.
House, Which gives us no explanation for the diminished sat percentage.
Foreman, Yeah oddly enough sometimes normal is normal.
House, Sometime we can't see why normal isn't normal. Get her symptoms on the board.
Cameron, Whoa; you're letting me touch the markers?
House," It's written down in my advanced health care directive, should I be incapacitated in any way you run the board, then Foreman. Chase you're just not ready yet. What else?"
Foreman," Guys, I know we ruled out infection but if we forget the labs for a minute, there is one infection we didn't test for because of her age. Neurosyphilis."
Chase, There's no way.
Foreman, If the infection dipped into her cerebral cortex all peripheral functions could be compromised.
Chase," No she hasn't had sex, she's nine!"
Foreman," Maybe it wasn't her idea. I mean she's been around a lot of adults; all the hospital visits, the counselors at the cancer camps."
Cameron, You think she's been molested.
Chase, She's hiding it pretty well if there's any of that going on.
House," Yeah, all girls who've been molested want to talk about it. Break out the rape kit."
Chase, She hasn't had sex.
House, Why are you so sure?
Chase, She told me she'd nEver kissed a boy.
House, You read her diary too?
Chase, She asked me to kiss her.
House," I rest my case. A regular nine year old girl does not have sex on the brain, not when a doctor is threading a catheter through her vein."
Chase, But she's not a regular nine year old. She's got terminal cancer.
House, Cancer doesn't make you special. Molestation on the other hand!
Chase, She wanted one kiss before she dies. If she's nEver kissed a boy it's a fair bet she's nEver had sex.
House," Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth. Hey, here's a theory, she has been molested, seeks refuge in roMantic fantasies with older men with great hair. And I think you left out the punch line, victims of molestation learn to work the angles. Manipulate people. You did it didn't you. You kissed her."
Chase, It wasn't sick. [Foreman and Cameron freak out quietly] It was one kiss for a dying girl. One small! one small kiss before she dies. Thank you. Thanks.
House, This is exactly why you can't touch my markers. Go see if she's had sex.
Cameron, Okay.
Andie, No one's Ever touched me.
Cameron, We just need to be sure.
Andie, I like your hair. I used to have really curly hair. I always wanted it to be like yours is.
Cameron," Thank you. Alright, that's it, you're fine."
Wilson, With a Patient.
House, Is she dying?
Wilson, No.
House, Then she can wait.
Wilson," Would you excuse me, just 2 minutes."
House, If only she'd been molested then we'd have something to go on. [He tries to open a jar of mentholatum] No forced entry.
Wilson," One hallucination; maybe it was just bad pork, maybe there's nothing!"
House, She's not fine. Her sat percentage dropped another point.
Wilson, Which could suggest a tumor in her lung.
House," Lung wouldn't explain the hallucination. CT scan showed both lungs were clean, which means there's a tumor in her heart."
Wilson, Not a chance. Give me that.
House, I loosened it.
Wilson," I opened it. We've got an MRI and an echo of her heart, there's nothing there."
House, Give me one other explanation for low oxygen saturation.
Wilson, I can't. There's only one condition that simultaneously affects the heart and the brain but she!
House, Perfect let's go with that.
Wilson, Tuberous Sclerosis in a kid that also has Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma. Two different unrelated cancers at the same time is a statistical no no.
House," What's the rate of cancer in the general population? 1 in 10,000?"
Wilson," Don't, don't start with the numbers."
House," The way I figure it 1 in 10,000 of them should have another cancer. Little girl won the lottery twice. It happens."
Wilson, So you're gonna cut her open?
House," Exploratory surgery, gotta find this thing."
Wilson, You're just going to grope around inside an immuno-compromised nine year old? She could die on the table.
House, I know it's somewhere near the heart.
Wilson," House, you've gotta do better than that."
Foreman, Why are we here?
House, Better acoustics. Now listen to this.
Chase, That's a mitral heart valve.
House," No, get the wax out of your ears. This is the Patient's aortic valve. I downloaded the audio of her echocardiogram."
Foreman, What are we trying to hear?
House, Tumor.
Chase, They tend to keep quiet on account of them not having any mouths.
House," But we could hear an abnormality in the sound of the valve, which would indiCate the presence of something; a tumor for example. If we can tell the surgeon where to look this is no longer exploratory surgery it's a precision strike."
Foreman, Her aortic valve sounds normal.
House, Too bad. Now listen to the dulcet tones of Andie's tricuspid valve.
Cameron, Normal.
House, And this is her mitral valve.
Chase, I don't hear anything weird.
House, You guys make me sad. Listen again.
Chase, She's had one hallucination. Why are we operating on her? Why are we risking her life?
House, Because Wilson thinks it'll be nice to give the girl a year to say good bye to her mommy. I guess maybe she stutters or something. Now shut up and listen. Tricuspid. Mitral. Again.
Cameron, Wait. There. There's an extra flap.
House," I'm gonna ask the surgeon to look at the mitral valve first. Chase, I want you there. I don't like reading surgeons reports, they're boring."
Chase, I'm not really sure I should be spending more time!
House, She'll be unconscious you'll be safe.
Mom, I'll be there when you wake up.
Andie, I'm gonna be fine mom.
Wilson," Brave kid, she Even gave her mom a pep talk."
House, Sure. Brave. She's a wonder.
Wilson, What's your pRoblem?
House, These cancer kids; you can't put them all on a pedestal. It's basic statistics some of them have to be whiny little fraidy cats.
Wilson, You're unbelievable.
House, If there's not one yellow-belly in the group then being brave doesn't have any meaning.
Wilson, Andie handles an impossible situation with grace. That's not to be admired?
House, You see grace because you wanna to see grace.
Wilson, You don't see grace because you won't go anywhere near her.
House, Idolizing is pathological with you people. You see things to admire where there's nothing.
Wilson," Yeah, well, we're evil."
House, You find things to admire where you shouldn't be sniffing at all; like Debbie in accounting.
Wilson, She's nice.
House," You shouldn't know that, you're married."
Wilson," So the little kid dying of cancer, I shouldn't like her?"
House, If you're dying suddenly Everybody loves you.
Wilson," You have a cane, nobody Even likes you."
House," I'm not terminal, merely pathetic; you wouldn't beliEve the crap people let me get away with."
Wilson," They found a tumor it's in her lung extending into her heart. It wasn't visible on the MRI because it's growing along the heart wall. Now because of the placement, the surgeon has to temporarily remove Andie's heart. It's called an explant. They cut out the tumor and replace any damaged heart muscle with bovine patches. That's a patch made from cow's pericardium. It's a sac that encloses the heart."
Mom, What are her chances?
Wilson, The pRoblem is there might not be enough heart left once they remove all of the tumor. And if the tumor's metastasized there nothing we can do.
Chase, Dr. Murphy.
Murphy, Just let me tie this off.
Chase, Doctor.
Murphy, What?
Chase, She's got a bleed in her eye.
House," They got the tumor, repaired her heart but she bled out of her eye."
Wilson, She didn't bleed out of her eye from a heart tumor.
House, True. The cardiac tumor was benign.
Wilson, That's impossible.
House, Statistically.
Wilson, Oh shut up. If the tumor's benign that means it didn't cause her hallucinations.
House, That's why I'm mentioning it.
Wilson, So the tumor is a coincidence.
House, This is bad you're starting to state the obvious.
Wilson," No, you said it would be there, it was there. It can't be a coincidence."
House, A nine year old with terminal cancer gets an unrelated benign tumor growing in her heart why?
Cameron, It's benign? That's impossible.
House, Talk to Wilson.
Wilson, And the retinal bleed? Another coincidence?
Chase, A clot could create pressure behind the eye cause the bleed.
Wilson," A clot could explain the eye, but doesn't explain the hallucinations."
Foreman, A clot could cause mini seizures.
Wilson, Great; another thing that's not causing the hallucinations.
Foreman, Post seizure psychosis; the brain sort of corrects itself after the seizure by hallucinating.
Wilson," The clot could explain the eye and the hallucinations, but what about the tumor. Tumors the size of an octopus wrapped around a little girl's heart are not just a coincidence."
Cameron, She's not healthy. She's nEver been healthy.
Wilson, What's the theory here? This girl's body's a lemon? Faulty Manufacturing? Everything's falling apart.
House," The tumor is Afghanistan the clot is Buffalo. Does that need more explanation? Ok the tumor is Al Qaeda. Big bad guy with brains. We went in and wiped it out but it had already sent out a splinter cell; a small team of low lEvel terrorists quietly living in some suburb of Buffalo, waiting to kill us all."
Foreman," Whoa, whoa, you're trying to say that the tumor threw a clot before we removed it."
House," It was an excellent metaphor, angio her brain for this clot before it straps on an explosive vest."
House, Angio was clean.
Wilson, There's no clot?
House," There's a clot, we just can't find it."
Wilson, We can't do exploratory surgery on her brain.
House, Are you sure you're not a neurologist?
Wilson," [Sighs] Okay, she's gonna die."
House, Well the clots not gonna to go away quietly. It could blow at anytime. Are you gonna let them know?
Wilson, I guess so.
Wilson, To tell Andie she's going to die? That's very un-you.
House, She's such a brave girl. I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die.
Wilson, Go to hell.
House, What would you do if you were told you were gonna die?
Foreman," I don't know, I'd be devastated."
House," You'd cry like a baby, Everybody would, but she's not doing anything. She's a rock."
Cameron, She's brave.
House, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Why?
Chase, She's gone through more than most people do in a lifetime.
House, So what? Does that mean she's ready to die? What if her bravery is a symptom? The clot is causing hallucinations and messing with her emotions.
Foreman, You think her bravery is chemically based.
House, Would tell us where to look for the clot. Where's the fears center?
Foreman, The Amygdala near the hippocampus; it's a big area and a busy one. You blindly cut in there you'll kill her. The only time you're going to see this clot is at autopsy.
House, Then let's do that.
House, Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?
Cuddy, Are you high?
House," If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted."
Cuddy, It's Wednesday.
House, I want to induce a hypothermic cardiac arrest. Once the Patients on bypass we siphon off two liters of blood then perfuse the brain while she's in an MRI.
Cuddy, You're actually talking about killing her.
House," Just for a little while, I'll bring her right back."
Cuddy," Oh, well, in that case go ahead. Why are we Even talking?"
House," If we do nothing she's dead in a day, maybe a week; the kind that lasts."
Cuddy, We need FDA approval for any surgical technique that's used for diagnostic purposes.
House," Absolutely. If we were doing anything invasive; but there's nothing invasive. [He almost sneezes] Gah. You know, I'm not cutting into her head I'm just looking for a clot."
Cuddy, Not invasive? You're killing her.
House," Don't split hairs, if it works she lives."
Cuddy, Make sure the mom understands that this is a million to one shot.
House, I'll see that Wilson passes that along.
Wilson, The plan is basically to... reboot your daughter. Like a computer. We shut her down then restart her.
Mom, How do you restart a nine year old girl?
Wilson, We cool her core body temperature to 21 degrees Celsius. Use blankets. Ice.
Mom, Sort of like! like hibernation?
Wilson," Not quite, in hibernation a bear's heart beat is just very slow; in cardiac arrest there is no heart beat."
Mom, So she's dead.
Wilson," Temporarily yes. By cooling her we limit the risk of damage when we remove her blood. Not all of it, two to three liters."
Mom, Half her blood.
Wilson," Then we put it back. It's called perfusing the circuit. In this case her brain, and using an MRI we'd have a very brief window to, hopefully, see the outline of the clot. If it's there and if it's operable, we go get it. And Andie walks out of here."
Wilson, Signed consent forms.
House, Great. Thanks.
Wilson, You sound better.
House," I stacked a combo of mentholatum, a few vicodin and something else which I can't remember. Should be able to ride the high for a couple hours; what did Andie say?"
Wilson, About what?
House, About this.
Wilson, I didn't talk to her; she doesn't need to know the specifics of this procedure.
House, What if you're right about her? What if she just is that brave?
Wilson, That doesn't mean she's mature enough to handle this kind of decision.
House, Either she understands or she's not brave. You can't have it both ways. If she does understand! then she deserves to know what's going on.
House, I'm doctor House.
Andie, I've seen you around.
House, Did your mom tell you what we're gonna try?
Andie, Sorta.
House," Tomorrow's test could take ten hours, in your present condition you might not Even make it through."
Andie, My mom's done a lot of research.
House," How do you feel about it? If we figured maturity came from how much time you've got left instead how long you've been here, this would be your call."
Andie, I don't have a choice right?
House, I could give you one.
Andie, I wanna get better.
House, You've got cancer. I fix this!
Andie, I've got a year.
House, A year of this. A lot of people wouldn't want that. A lot of people would just want it to be over.
Andie, Are you asking if I want to die?
House," Nobody wants to die. But you're going to. The question is how, how much you're gonna suffer and how long. I'm asking if you want this to be over."
Andie, What would you tell my mom?
House, I could give her ten excellent medical reasons why we can't do this procedure.
Andie, I can't just leave her cause I'm tired.
House, But you can't stay for her either.
Andie, But she needs me here.
House," This is your life, you can't do this just for her."
Andie, I love her.
House," Thank you for joining me for tonight's dress rehearsal. Playing the part of Andie is Morty Randolph. [He gestures at a cadaver] For his donation to science we give our thanks. Once Andie is cool and goes off bypass we have 60 seconds to get 2 liters of blood out of her body and back into her for the pictures to find the clot in her head. IF our star is bumped tomorrow [He barely touches the cadaver and lights start to flash] while my MRI is on these red lights will go off which will mean we have no useable test results. No test results; its goodbye Broadway. You guys will be wearing bad cat suits in Des Moines. Neurosurgeons here, with a view of the monitors. Cardiac surgeon there, in case we need to open her up. Anesthesiologists, one by the cardiac bypass maParkne, one by the cooling apparatus. Girls in the chorus if you're over 5' 10""� stick with me. Okay give me 60 seconds on the clock. Showtime. A five, six, sEven, eight! siphon off the blood through the arterial line WHOOSH, sound of blood draining. More whoosh. Glug, glug, glug and we! [Red lights] Kill her. Again."
House, How hard can this be?
House, Again!
House, Again!
House, Again!
Foreman, We could bolt her to the table.
House," Gruesome and low tech. Kiss me I love it. A five, six, sEven, eight!"
Nurse, Here you go doctor.
House, This'll make you sleep.
Andie, A lot of people.
House, Big musical number kiddo; a lot of people here to make you look good.
Andie, You're kind of freaking me out.
Chase, He gets that sometimes.
House, Okay go.
House, Start the cooling. You. Go.
Chase, She's shivering.
House, 200 milligrams of vecuronium.
House, What? She's dead; that's the whole idea. Go.
House, Okay put the blood back in; reperfuse the circuit.
House, Anything people? Anything at all?
Foreman, Vestibulocolcular nerve intact.
House, Keep looking.
Foreman, There!
House, I didn't see anything.
Foreman, It was there.
House, Are you sure?
Foreman, 4 millimeters lateral to the hippocampus. I saw it.
Foreman, I saw it.
House, That's good enough for me.
Wilson, They were able to restart her heart. She's doing as well as can be hoped.
Mom, So they found they clot.
Wilson, We think so. The neurosurgeons are attempting to remove it right now.
Mom, And when will we know if there was any damage?
Wilson, A few hours.
[Music montage," Bird York ""�In the Deep]"
Foreman, 4 millimeters lateral to the hippocampus.
Neuro, That's where I am. There's nothing there.
Foreman, You're not there yet. Keep going.
Neuro, I'm there. Are you sure you saw... there it is. I think I can get it.
Andie, Hi Mom.
Mom," Ohh, hi baby. [She cries]"
Wilson, You're treating your stuffy nose with cocaine?
House, Diphenhydramine. Antihistamine. New delivery system; it's a blood brain barrier thing.
Wilson, It's all about speed isn't it? One thing to another; nEver standing still. You're pretty good at that.
House, I know my way around a razor blade.
Wilson, It's time.
House, Just a couple more rocks.
Wilson, Andie's going home.
House," Right, parade of the small bald circus freaks. Sorry, I got a thing."
Wilson, I read the surgeon's report.
House, Oh?
Wilson, Clot was nowhere near her Amygdala. Means her fear emotions were working perfectly.
House, Yeah.
Wilson, Yeah. So her bravery was not a symptom.
House," Yeah. I was wrong; she genuinely is a self sacrificing saint whose life will bring her nothing but pain, which she will stoically withstand just so that her mom doesn't have to cry quite so soon. I'm beside myself with joy. [He does a line] Whoa!"
Wilson, She enjoys life more than you do.
House, Right.
Wilson, She stole that kiss from Chase. What have done lately?
House, I'm pacing myself; unlike her I have the luxury of time.
Wilson, She could outlive you.
Chase, [Handing her tickets to the American Museum of Natural History] In case you want to see real butterflies. [They hug and she kisses him on the cheek]
House, I'm not gonna kiss you no matter what you say. [She hugs him]
Andie," It's sunny outside, you should go for a walk."
House,[He looks at his cane] Not much for long walks in the Park. Now get.
SalesMan, Right leg?
House, Huh?
SalesMan, Your right leg? You can still ride. We've got excellent financing right now. It lists for 10-8 but I'll let you steal it out the door for 10-3.
House, No thanks. [He starts to leave and then turns back] Could I test drive one of these things?
[Fade out on House, riding the open road]
Cuddy [to neighbor], Morning.
Cuddy," Hey, Alfredo. You done already?"
Alfredo," Ah, no, not yet. I finish tomorrow."
Cuddy, Mexico playing Argentina on TV?
Alfredo," No, no. My asthma is very bad."
Cuddy," For six years, Alfedro. You can't lie to me. I'm throwing a dinner."
Alfredo, First thing tomorrow.
Cuddy, Party's tonight. It'll rain. I'm going to have to put buckets on the dining room table.
Alfredo," No clouds, no rain."
Cuddy, I'll tell you what. You take off. But if it pours into my guest's wine glasses!
Alfredo," Okay. Okay, señora, I'll do it."
Alfredo, No hay pRoblema.
Cuddy, Spinal cord seems intact. Take a deep breath.
Alfredo, It hurts.
Cuddy, Try. Breath sounds bilateral. I don't think he has a pneumothorax.
Alfredo, [still wheezing] Just asthma.
Cuddy, That and pRobably a broken rib. Tell me when it hurts the most.
Cuddy, Your two little fingers are darker than the others.
Alfredo, They feel funny!like needles.
Cuddy, How long have they been like that?
Alfredo, I've nEver noticed before. Is bad?
Cuddy," Judging by how it looks, he could lose his hand."
Wilson, How does falling off your roof do that to a guy's fingers?
House," Could have tweaked a vertebrae in his neck. Could have pinged on the ulnar![House is staring down at a red stain on Cuddy's tank top just below her breasts.] Sorry, trouble concentrating. That tank top really absorbs moisture."
House," Could have pinged the ulnar nerve, cut the blood flow. Or it could be"
Wilson," DIC.? Guy falls off a roof, the first thought is it's always a clotting pRoblem"
House, Trauma can activate the clotting enzymes. Guy could loose more than his hand.
Cuddy," Thank you, very much. This guy's been working for me for a long time and I--"
House [takes chart], Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?
House," Cervical MRI, work up for DIC, and start him on a heparin drip"
Cameron, Who?
House, You want to know his name? [throws file down on the table] I'm sure it's in the file.
House," Or you could ask her. She's his oldest, bestest friend. They were in Cub Scouts together."
Cuddy, I'll get started on the blood tests.
House," You haven't been a real doctor in ten years, you'll make a mess all over the sheet."
Foreman, I'll do it.
Cuddy, You have clinic duty. I still know how to handle a Patient.
House, Get me blood. Lots of blood.
House, They're better. They've showered.
Stacy, You don't need to see him.
Cuddy, One-handed handymen aren't in big deMand.
Stacy," Talking, that's how lawsuits are lost. I know you, Lisa, you go in, you offer to pay his medical bills, his wages, you'll say something stupid like I'm sorry�"
Cuddy, You think I'm an idiot?
Stacy," I think you're not a Lawyer. Don't go in there. [puts a hand on Cuddy's shoulder]. Trust me, House's people can handle this."
Cuddy [softly], Yeah!
Chase, This might sting a little bit. The medicine will thin the blood and help it to circulate.
Chase, Those pretty nasty scars there.
Alfredo, They were construction.
Alfredo, How long will I be in the hospital?
Chase, Depends how long it takes us to figure out what's going on.
Alfredo, I need to work. I'll get fired.
Chase, I'm sure Dr. Cuddy won't fire you.
Alfredo, I'm janitor at fast food six nights. I need to work. My mother doesn't make enough.
Alfredo, You're old enough when you finish college
Alfredo, I nEver had a big brother to tell me to shut up!
Chase," I promise, we'll let you out of here as soon as we're able to"
Alfredo," Look, I!I am fine. [takes pulse ox off, and reaches for the oxygen cannula]. I feel better."
Chase, No..
Alfredo, I go home now.
Chase," No, if this is a clotting pRoblem, it could be very serious. All right?"
Alfredo, Can't make me stay.
Alfredo, You can't make me stay.
Chase, Turn your hand over. I need to see your hand.
Alfredo, Where is Dr. Cuddy?
Chase, We're got a third finger turning dark.
Cameron," His PTT is prolonged, the fibrin split products are off, he's not clotting properly. It looks like a mild case of DIC."
House," Well, obviously not that mild. This keeps up and his hand will literally be dead meat. His hand is connected to his arm, his arm is connected to!I'm not sure, but I bet it's important."
Cuddy, All this from falling off my roof!
House," Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head. Then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms."
Cuddy, We need something stronger than heparin. HuMan activated protein C.
House," Looks like Cuddy, same cleavage. Protein C is indiCated only for sEvere sepsis."
Cuddy," Well, how Many of his limbs have to be at stake, for it to be sEvere?"
House," But this stuff is crazy dangerous. It can cause internal bleeding. If he bleeds, he could stroke, he could die."
Cuddy, He could get better.
House," You know, if I tried a scheme like this, you'd give me that nasty, wrinkly face and screech like a hyena. [House approached Cuddy until he is barely a foot away.] It's very sexy, I admit."
Cuddy, Do it.
House, Protein C is border-line irresponsible. 'Cept that the safe stuff isn't doing squat.
Wilson, This is exactly the type of thing you would do.
House," Well, obviously."
Stacy, It's actually the type of thing he'd do.
Cuddy, I know. I think he's trying to protect me.
Stacy, Now that's not the type of thing he would do.
Cuddy," I overruled him. He's the best diagnostician in this hospital, and I overrule him."
Stacy, You care about this kid. You judgment should be worth more than his.
Cuddy, He also pointed out that I haven't been a real doctor in years.
Stacy, Now that sounds like him.
Wilson, You were just jerking Cuddy around?
House, You seriously thought I wanted to stop her?
Wilson, One thing Cuddy is not is clueless.
House," No, first causality of this case is her sense of humor."
Wilson," Weird, nothing funnier than almost killing a guy."
Patient, I'm just having trouble getting up those steps.
Foreman, When did you start noticing?
Patient," Well, a week ago."
Foreman, Your blood pressure's a little high. I have something new that should help you out. Combines a nitrate with a blood pressure pill. It's targeted to African-Americans.
Patient, Targeted?
Foreman," Yeah, well, see we tend to have nitric oxide deficiencies. The studies show this drug counteracts that pRoblem. It's the first drug to�"
Patient, What kind of studies you talking about?
Foreman," What kind of studies are there? They get some Patients, they give 'em some drugs!"
Patient, Ah!I've had white people lying to me for 60 years.
Foreman, You think this is a tan?
Patient, You think they tell you Everything?
Foreman," Trouble with us black folk, we can't tell the difference anymore between racism and Everybody gets screwed."
Patient, Yeah? Well how about them cheap meningitis drugs they pawning off in Africa? Gonna tell me that ain't racism?
Foreman, That's just greed. You really want to screw whitie? Be one of the few black men to live long enough to collect social security. [rips off a prescription slip]. Take the medicine.
Alfredo, Nurse. Nurse! Help!
Alfredo, Nurse! Help! Nurse!
Chase, What's up?
Alfredo [very upset], I can't move my arm. I can't move my arm!
Chase," Take it easy, take it easy."
Chase, Protein C's side effects we were worried about? They happened.
Cuddy, Where was the bleed?
Chase, His brain. It's causing right side paralysis. I've stopped the treatment. And called a neurosurgeon.
Alfredo, I can move it now. It's okay now. Can I go home soon?
Cameron," The surgery went well, but all we did was fix the pRoblem created by the medicine we gave you."
Mother," Se ve muy joven. Sabe lo que hace? (She looks young, does she know what she's doing?)"
Alfredo, She says you look young. Are you sure you�
Cameron, There's five of us working on the case. [She smiles hesitantly] The others are older.
Alfredo, Why doesn't Dr. Cuddy come to --
Cameron, You don't sound too good.
Cameron," His fingers are Even darker, his temperature is 102 and spiking, and the x-ray now shows lung infiltrates."
House, The good news is he won't be bitParkng about losing his hand if he can't breathe.
Cuddy, The trauma from the fall could cause actuate respiratory distress syndrome.
House," Right, I forgot. Your roof."
Cuddy, It would cause lung infiltrates and maybe fEver and conceivably the cyanotic fingers.
House, The only question is why?
Cameron, Why what?
House," Why her weird psychopathology requires a diagnosis formed entirely by personal guilt. Let's assume we've been wrong up until now. Let's assume, just for one second, that the earth doesn't revolve around Cuddy's roof. What if he was sick before he had his run-in with gravity? He just didn't notice anything."
Foreman," Well, pneumonia can cause DIC, which can cause cyanotic fingers."
Chase, Pneumonia doesn't hit that fast.
House," Sure, only pavement hits that fast. It's not pneumonia. Might have missed a finger turning dark, he's not going to miss breathing pRoblems. What else?"
ray], It's pneumonia. He wanted to go home. I thought he was lying. I told him I had a dinner party. I made him go up there.
House," Well, why didn't you just take out a gun and shoot him?"
Cuddy, I thought it was just asthma.
House," Might have mentioned this earlier, Doctor. Maybe we could have sent some blood cultures to the lab, instead of wasting a day indulging your self-loathing."
Cameron," If it's just garden-variety bacterial pneumonia, he's gonna be fine."
House, So give him garden-variety Levaquin and a garden-variety echo-cardiogram. And go check out the kid's House.
Cuddy," The blood work will show us which type of pneumonia it is, if�"
House," If he's huffing nail polish, or pulling the wings off his pet parrot, this way will be faster. I bet Julio is just dying to find out what's wrong with him. [nods to Cameron]. Go with her."
Cuddy, It's Alfredo. And I can handle getting a key and�
House, Rico and I no longer trust you deciding what's important and what's not.
Foreman, You Ever think about writing a book on office politics?
House, Trust me. It would be a lot worse if I told her you have to break into her House.
Chase," Wait, wait, wait. Cuddy's House?"
House," See, it is shocking. Guy's been working there Every day for the last three weeks. Do you think it's impossible that he could have picked something up?"
Foreman, I'm not breaking into my boss's House.
House, I'm your boss.
Chase, She's scarier than you are.
House," Oh, she's a Woman. Relax, I'm coming with."
Stacy, House is having lunch with his juniors now?
Wilson, No. Not a chance.
Stacy, Then where do you think they're going?
Wilson, I have no idea.
Stacy, Then why don't you think they're going to lunch?
Wilson," Because it's not like House. That was your point, right?"
Stacy, He had that smug look on his face when he's not pleased about something and he's got to tell somebody and the only somebody he knows is you.
Wilson [sighs], He's breaking into Cuddy's home.
Stacy, What? Why?
Wilson," Um, medical reasons?"
Stacy, Why is he so curious about Cuddy?
Wilson, Why are you so curious about his curiosity?
Stacy, Why are you so curious about me being�
Wilson, Because you dumped him. And you're married. And they are neither of those things.
Stacy, I'm just curious. Nothing wrong with that.
Wilson," No, nothing wrong with that."
House, What do you think? Red thongs? I think red thongs. 'Kay!
House, Twenty bucks says I can get through this door in twenty seconds.
Chase, You're on.
Foreman, Count me in.
Cuddy," No furniture polish, no paint thinner, nor anything else worth sniffing."
Cameron [calling from another room]," Nothing in here, either."
Cameron, Except a few cockroaches.
Cameron, Nice. [She looks up] Someone should fix Alfredo's roof. So why haven't you fired House?
Cameron," I mean, it's just, you guys are always screaming at each other and I figure you hate him�"
Cuddy [quick to respond], I don't hate him.
Cameron, Why not?
Cameron," He's a great doctor, but any other hospital administrator would have fired him years ago."
Cuddy, Four of them did. The question is why did I hire him?
Foreman, So how did you know about her key? You been doing a little handyMan work for Cuddy yourself?
House, Someone as obsessive and insecure as Cuddy pRobably has three extra keys hidden within ten feet of the door.
Foreman," Oh, and you consider obsession a negative quality?"
House," Insecticide is organic, soap is hypoallergenic."
House, I got the bedroom.
House, This is where it all happens.
Cameron, You both went to MiParkgan. Did you know him while you were there.
Cuddy," Ah, I was still an undergrad, but yeah, I knew him. He was already a legend."
Cameron, So you just knew him as a legend?
Cuddy," My God, you're subtle! Anything else on your mind?"
Cameron, Ugh.
Cuddy, More cockroaches.
Cameron, Worse.
Cuddy, Beautiful.
Chase, There's no way you deduced where that key was.
House, Does this count as red?
Chase," You gave yourself twenty seconds, then put money on it."
House, Oh my God. She's got pictures of you in here.
House, Just you. It's like some kind of weird shrine.
Chase, You're kidding.
House, Yeah.
House, She uses super tampons. What does that mean?
Chase, You two are just too nasty to each other not to have been!nasty.
House," Hey, I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I am that good."
Foreman, There's nothing here. Are you ready to go or you got some more stuff you want to sniff?
House, Whoa. Check this out. It's fuzzy. It's black. It's alive.
Cuddy, Patient's lung function is declining rapidly. Levaquin's not working. He obviously doesn't have garden-variety pneumonia.
House, I'm glad you learned to take his impending death in stride.
Cuddy, Guess what he does have.
Cameron, Rats.
House, Scars on his hand!
Cameron, Rat bites.
House, But he says they're from construction work so he won't have to admit he's got rats in the home. Catholics are right. Pride will kill you.
Cuddy, He has Streptobacillosis.
Cameron, Rat bite fEver.
House," Boogy, oggy, oogy."
Cuddy, It fits the symptoms perfectly.
House, It's certainly one possibility. What about the aspergillus fungus we found under the sink?
Cuddy, What sink?
House, You ought to clean your bathroom better.
Cuddy, You broke into my House?
House," No, that would be wrong. I had a key."
Cuddy, You had no right to invade my privacy. There was no medical reason for that whatsoEver. And there was certainly no moral reason for it.
Cuddy, Oh damn. You're right. The focal consolidation makes fungal pneumonia far more likely.
House," You're right I'm right. On the bright side, it has the advantage of keeping you totally responsible."
Cameron, The treatment for aspergillus is amphotericin. That's hugely dangerous.
Cuddy, Yeah. Your point being?
House, Going the dangerous and aggressive route didn't work last time. It's bound to work this time. Start him on the amphotericin.
Cuddy," Well, how's he doing?"
Manny, He's worried about money. I want to work for you.
Cuddy [sighing], How old are you Manny?
Manny, Fifteen.
Cuddy, Twelve?
Manny," I can paint, mow lawns, I rake leaves. I can start today."
Cuddy, Alfredo wants you to finish school.
Manny, Like you care.
Cuddy," Manny, I have known your brother�"
Manny, He falls off your roof and you don't come to see him once?
Manny, Bitch.
House, With a Patient.
Stacy, Not according to the log.
House, It's three-fifteen.
Stacy, Is it a commercial?
Stacy, How's Cuddy doing?
House, She's not acting like Cuddy. It's a pleasure.
Stacy," You know her. She has trouble with these situations, feels personally responsible."
House, Technical term is narcissism. You can't beliEve Everything is your fault unless you also beliEve you're all-powerful.
Stacy," [sarcastic] Wow, doesn't she sound messed up."
House, I don't beliEve I can fix Everything. I don't lie awake at night tormented by that fact.
Stacy," No, you lie awake tormented by�"
House, We were talking about Cuddy here.
Stacy, She cares.
House, She enjoys feeling guilty.
Stacy," Lisacares. It's why she drives you nuts. 'Cause it's not just a puzzle to her. The Patients are actually real, their feeling actually relevant. And I'm telling her, she can't Even talk to him."
House," My God, it's contagious. You're feeling guilty, too."
Stacy, I'm just saying take it easy on her. You owe her that.
House, Commercial's over.
Stacy, So glad we talked.
House," Snap, crackle, pop. Got some Rice Crispies in there?"
Patient," That bad, huh?"
House," You were here yesterday. I see from the chart that Dr. Foreman prescribed medicine, not a miracle. Got to give this stuff more than a day."
Patient, I didn't fill that Oreo's prescription.
House," On the theory that you didn't trust him because he's black!well, I'm going to prescribe the same medicine. See if you fill it this time."
Patient," I'm not buying into no racist drug, okay?"
House," It's racist because it helps black people more than white people? Well, on behalf of my peeps, let me say, thanks for dying on principle for us."
Patient," Look. My heart's red, your heart's red. And it don't make no sense to give us different drugs."
House," You know, I have found a difference. Admittedly, it's a limited sample, but it's my experience in the last ninety seconds that all black people are morons. Sorry, African-Americans."
Patient, I'll see another doctor.
House, Fine. Fine.
House, I'll give you the same medicine we give Republicans.
Alfredo," I think the medicine is working. There's lighter, right?"
Cameron," They don't look lighter to me, Alfredo. How's the tingling?"
Alfredo, Not bothering.
Manny, Tell her the other thing.
Manny, Dile! (Tell her)
Alfredo," Callate, Manny! (Shut up, Manny)"
Manny, He hasn't peed since yesterday.
Cameron [concerned], Since last night?
Manny, Afternoon.
Alfredo, It's not a pRoblem. I don't drink much.
Cameron, I think we'll give you a little rest from the meds here.
Mother," Pero se supone que esa medicina te va curar! (But, that's supposed to be the medicine that's going to cure you?)"
Alfredo, She says that's the medicine that's supposed to cure me.
Cameron, I'm just making a little adjustment. Excuse me.
[Cameron leaves and walks out into,]
Cameron, He's not making any urine. I think we just destroyed the kid's kidney with the amphotericin. I think he's dying.
Mother, Dying?
House," Geez, it's the cops."
Mother, Muriendo? Mi hijo esta muriendo? (Dying? My son is dying?)
House, Guess she understands a little English.
s room with his family by his side cuts to,]
Cameron, His kidneys are shutting down due to direct toxicity to the proximal tubular epithelium.
Cuddy, Proof that my brilliant idea of giving him amphotericin is killing him.
House, That wasn't a complete waste of time. His reaction shows that you don't need to clean under your sink. It wasn't aspergilllus.
Foreman, And blood cultures show he was negative for rat bite fEver.
House, There's still plenty of other cool pneumonias!
Foreman," Tested negative for Marcella, nocardia, crytococcus!"
Chase," He has a low titer for chlAmydia. Antibodies, maybe?"
Foreman," No, no his chest x-ray's all wrong for chlAmydial pneumonia."
Chase, But the titer points to!
Cameron," He had an STD last year. That explains the titer. He has low sodium, maybe it's legionella."
Chase," No, his antigen is negative."
House," Well, that all sucks!"
Cuddy, Maybe we were right to begin with. His pRoblems are all caused by DIC precipitated by falling off my roof.
Chase, DIC wouldn't cause a fEver this high.
House, See my lapdog agrees with me. How high?
Chase," Two hours ago, it was one-oh-three. With acetaminophen."
House, What about on St. Alban's Day? Only temperature I'm interested in right now is his temperature right now.
Manny," No te preocupes, descansa, yo voy a trabajar por ti esta noche. (Don't worry, rest, I'll cover for you at night)."
House, Open up.
Alfredo," Te dije que no, y se acabo!(I told you no! End of story!)"
House," Okay, let me clarify. Open up and keep it open."
Manny," Que? Me vas a parar? (What, you gonna stop me?)"
Alfredo," Una noche, y ya... (One night, and that's it...)"
Manny, Okay.
House, Under your tongue.
House, You're using your left hand. Right one hurt?
Alfredo," No, I feel better."
House, It really doesn't hurt? Or you just figure if you say no you'll get out of the hospital sooner?
Alfredo [insistent], Doesn't hurt. Feels good.
House, You don't smell too hot.
House, Your hand is starting to rot.
House, Why are we here?
Cuddy, We're talking about cutting off a kid's hand.
House," Yes, we're talking about cutting it off, not subdividing it and putting in condos. It's not a legal issue."
Cuddy, Are you being intentionally dense?
House, Huh?
Cuddy, I think it's premature.
Stacy, I've heard enough.
House, What? She says one word and you take her side. You should wait until she at least gives a medical reason. Otherwise I might take it personally.
Stacy," Shut up. If I were to somehow find out that you two are in disagreement over the proper medical course of action, it could make it awkward for my client in court. My client being the two of you. So guys, I'm a little busy here. Why don't we pick this conversation up in half an hour. K?"
Cuddy, All of his symptoms are caused by his underlying pRoblem and the medicine we gave him.
House, What underlying pRoblem? You have no idea what the underlying pRoblem is.
Cuddy, You're the diagnostician.
House, Fine. It's all my fault. Does that make you feel better?
Cuddy, His hand still has an arterial pulse.
House, His hand is a cesspool. And the crap is spreading.
Cuddy, You are being pretty aggressive about destroying a Man's livelihood.
House, Don't give a damn about his livelihood.
Cuddy," He lose that hand, he loses his job. All of his jobs. He's not like us."
House, He can't work as a cripple?
Cuddy," He loses his home, his kid brother drops out!"
House," American dream destroyed. Very sad, very emotional. Not one medical fact in the whole pathetic tale. You've lost perspective, Cuddy. You've stopped looking at this as a doctor. You're acting like someone who shoved somebody off their roof. You want to make things right? Too bad. Nothing's Ever right."
House," I'm happy to report that we're now so in synch we're actually wearing each other's underwear. Chop, chop time."
Stacy, Is this true?
House," No, I'm lying. Stupid to do with her in the room, I guess."
Stacy, This is a big decision.
House, We made it.
Stacy, We should convene in a meeting of the ethics committee.
House, NO! [throws hands up]. Look. She is making a medical decision based on nEver wanting to feel regret. You're making a legal decision on wanting me to be wrong.
Stacy," Greg, you have a history of ""�"
House," You wanted superficial agreement. You wanted Everybody's asses covered. You got it. Now can I do the surgery? Pretty, pretty please?"
Stacy, Lisa? Are you sure you're okay with this?
Cuddy, I should be the one to tell the family.
Cuddy," Your hand is dying. The bacteria are eating it. When they run out of food there, they go somewhere else."
Alfredo," If you cut off my hand, I'll be cured?"
Cuddy," Unfortunately, no. We still have to find the disease that's making you sick to begin with. But you won't die of gangrene while we're looking."
Alfredo," I quit school when I am twelve to get a job. To help my family. I know I nEver get a good job, nEver save money, or own my own House like you. But Manny, he's smart. The best in his class."
Cuddy," Well, maybe Manny doesn't have to quit school. Maybe you can!"
Alfredo, Are you sure I need to do this?
Cuddy, Yes.
Alfredo, Okay. Okay.
 Scene shifts to,]
Foreman, I gave one of my clinic Patients a follow up call. Your name came up.
House, I'm guessing an old black guy that thinks the CIA invented rap music to make your people want to kill each other.
Foreman, He says you gave him the white folks' stuff. This is exactly why black people don't live as long.
House, This isn't about race. Unless annoying is a race. Is he not getting better?
Foreman, He's fine so far. I'm calling him back in. I'm getting him on the right stuff.
House," Oh, relax, Foreman. He already is."
House, I told him it was the white stuff. I gave him the black stuff.
Foreman [shaking his head], He was right. You did exactly what white people do. You figure we don't need to know the truth or can't understand it. So you just lie to us.
House, It's just a white lie.
Foreman," Good one, Master."
House," Right, I'm a racist. Too bad that idiot will nEver know for the rest of his long, long life."
Foreman," Every slave master thought they were doing the black Man a favor. Negro can't take care of himself, so we'll put him to work. Give him four walls, a bed. We'll civilize the heathen. I'll tell you what. Stop doing us favors. If you're right and we end up back in the jungle with lousy blood pressure medicine, it won't be on your head."
 Cut to,]
Stacy, You okay?
Stacy, Wondering if you made the right call?
Cuddy, I wanted to be a doctor from the time I was twelve.
Stacy," I wanted to be a Lawyer from the time I was six until my second week of law school. Sorry, your story."
Cuddy," I graduated medical school at 25, pissed off that I was second in my class. Parkef of Medicine at 32. Second youngest Ever, first Woman."
Stacy, Sad story.
Cuddy, If I had been Alfredo's doctor�
Stacy, You are his doctor.
Cuddy," I insisted on giving him Protein C. We had to cut his skull open. I insisted on amphotericin; killed his kidneys. I missed the pneumonia. Completely. I would have searched his House and ignored mine. I would have watched him die, trying to save his hand. [closes her eyes] Oh, if I didn't have House looking over my shoulder![she shakes her head]"
Stacy, You say you're not as good a doctor as House is?
Cuddy, I'm saying House is right. I'm so anxious to get ahead I haven't been a doctor. In years.
Chase, His middle finger is dusky.
Cuddy," Yeah, that's why we're doing this."
Chase," No, I mean the other hand. The one we haven't chopped off yet."
Cuddy, His O2 stats are down to eighty-eight. His lungs are giving out. He needs a ventilator.
Cameron, And dialysis.
House," I'm getting distracted by the multi-system organ failure. Pinkies are supposed to be pink, right? They're not called grayies."
Cuddy, But the organ failure is gonna kill him.
House, But the pinky is weirder![sits up] What does it tell us?
Foreman, Same thing the right hand told us before we cut it off. It's the same symptom.
House," But at a different time. His blood work indiCates mild DIC. What if it's mild in the way you get out of the ocean, the water clinging to your body makes the sea lEvel drop. It's technically true, but completely irrelevant."
Foreman," Well, the lack of DIC would explain Everything if there were also a lack of anything to explain."
House, Endocarditis. His heart's infected.
House," Little bacteria cauliflowers clinging to his bowels. Except sometimes they can't hold on. They go swimming in his bloodstream. Thursday, one breaks off, goes to his right hand. Black fingers, gangrene. Friday's Parkld heads for the kidneys. We all know what Saturday's are all about. Party with the left hand. Also explains the fEver."
Cuddy, It's perfect. Except for the little fact that we're already tested for endocarditis and he was negative.
House, Which either means he is negative or what infection could cause pneumonia and culture negative for endocarditis? Prize value goes down with Every clue.
Chase, You're thinking psittacosis? Alfredo doesn't have any pet parrots.
House, Which are squawking. Give him doxycycline.
Cuddy, No! That will just make his clotting pRoblem worse.
House," I liked you better when you were coming up with wacky drugs for us to try. We give him the doxy now, damnit, maybe we can save his pinky. He can teach his brother how to count all the way to five."
Cameron," If you're wrong, he'll end up with no hands and no feet."
House," Technically, if I'm wrong, he'll end up dead. But I take your point. What's his night job?"
Foreman, He cleans up at some fast food joint. Why? Do you think he got it from a Parkcken nugget?
House, Since when do fast food joints allow twelve-year-olds to mop floors?
Cuddy, Alfredo is twenty.
House, Really? Looks younger.
House [to Alfredo], Where were you going to work tonight?
House, What job do you do on Saturday nights?
Cuddy, What are you doing?
House, Wake him up.
Cuddy, We just cut off his hand.
House, Yeah. We need to talk about it.
Cuddy, It's not happening.
House, Donde trabaja su hijo los sábados por la noche? (Where does your son work on Saturday nights?)
House [to Cuddy]," Honest, I have no idea what I just said."
Cuddy, Why didn't you say you spoke Spanish?
House," Well, because, she'd want to talk to me."
House, Dígame! (Tell me!)
House [to Cuddy], Or something like that.
Mother," No trabaja los sábados. Es la única noche que descansa. (He doesn't work on Saturdays, it's the only night he rests.)"
House, She says he doesn't work Saturday nights. Give me the talking juice.
Cuddy, The fact it doesn't fit your theory doesn't make it a lie.
House," When she was out of the room, the kid brother insisted he was going to cover for Alfredo at work tonight."
House, Que hace Alfredo los sábados por la noche? (What does Alfredo do on Saturday nights?)
Mother," Se divierte con sus amigos, va a bailar! (He has fun with his friends, goes dancing..)"
House, Saturday nights he goes dancing. Either it's a lie or he's dancing with birds.
House, A dónde? (Where?)
Mother, Yo no se! (I don't know!)
House, Give her the talking juice.
Cuddy, She doesn't know what you're talking about.
House," Odds are, it's going to be close to his House. PRobably an abandoned wareHouse or factory. Take the Scooby gang and spread out."
Cuddy, What the hell are we looking for?
House," Find somebody who looks like crap, tell him you want to place a bet."
Cuddy, Ah!
House, Sayonara!
Wilson, It's Cuddy.
House, I already put him on the psittacosis meds. Soon as you left. You're welcome.
House, What do you think the record for one-handed juggling is?
Wilson, You can yo-yo one-handed.
House, Good point.
Alfredo, I always wash my hands.
Cuddy," If a bird is infected, you can get psittacosis just by breathing his dust."
Alfredo, Then why do I get sick and nobody else.
Cuddy, Your asthma made you vulnerable. You're gonna be all right now.
Alfredo [softly], Yes. Gracias.
Alfredo, For saving my life.
Cuddy, He thanked me.
Stacy, He should have.
Cuddy, We cut off his hand. If we'd figured it out earlier�
Stacy," If you figured it out later, he'd be dead."
Cuddy, I nEver figured it out at all.
House, Hello.
Cuddy, What do you want House?
House," if you're wallowing in self loathing, I've got something that might help."
House, We're getting sued.
Stacy [surprised], You saved his life. He admitted that.
Cuddy, We'll settle. He's got a stub where his hand used to be. We have insurance. Case seems pretty solid to me.
House, Ca-Parkng. The new American dream. Happy ending. Kid's gonna be just fine.
House, Cuddy.
House," Your guilt. It's perverse, and it makes you a crappy doctor. It also makes you okay at what you do."
Cuddy, You figure a perverted sense of guilt makes me a good boss?
House," Now would the world be a better place if people nEver felt guilty? Makes sex better. [points to Stacy with his cane] Should have seen her in the last months of our relationship. Lot of guilt. Lot of screaming. I know this wasn't just because it was your roof. Cuddy!you see the world as it is and you see the world as it could be. What you don't see is what Everybody else sees. The giant, gaping chasm in between."
Cuddy," House, I'm not naïve. I realize�"
House," If you did, you nEver would have hired me."
House, You're not happy unless things are just right. Which means two things. You're a good boss. And you'll nEver be happy.
House," By the way, why does Everybody think you and I had sex? Think there could be something to it? I don't know."
Wilson, Cuddy feels guilty about not diagnosing psittacosis.
House, Think so?
Wilson, There's no way she could have.
House, No. No way she could have.
House, It's raining.
Villager, Dr. Sebastian! [They hug.]
Sebastian, Two pallets of antibiotics for tuberculosis.
Villager, We've got six pallets worth of Patients!
Sebastian," Stoia Tucker needs a math lesson. I'm headed back tomorrow. [Sebastian is overrun by laughing Parkldren. The villager instructs people to unload the plane. We see boxes being unloaded with the label ""Stoia Tucker""�. Sebastian is walking with the Parkldren, and takes a box out of his bag.] I've got some very special medicine here; this is from Hershey, Pennsylvania. One per person; one per person. [The kids all grab for the chocolate. Sebastian leaves the Parkldren and heads to a hut. Another villager runs up.]"
Sebastian," I got no breathing sounds on the left ""� give me that. [He takes a syringe and inflates the boy's left lung.] Yeah, he's going to be okay."
Sebastian," The fall didn't cause him to drop a lung; the lung caused him to fall. TB chewed it up. He'll be lucky to live another year. [He changes the slide.] Now, this is Sarni. I picked up the tab for the back brace myself. The funny thing is that the brace cost more than the medicine that would have prEvented her from needing it. It's your medicine. All of the antibiotics that we need are right there in your wareHouses, in your factories. [One of the board members speaks up.]"
Jerry," We provide over 10,000 doses a year."
Sebastian, Which is not enough.
Jerry," You know we'd love to do more, but our hands are tied."
Sebastian," New car, Jerry? I saw it on the way in, looks beautiful."
Jerry, Don't make this personal.
Sebastian," All the way from GerMany, too, I know that's a lot of red tape."
Jerry, I'm not like you; I'm not ashamed of making a living.
Sebastian," And I know you didn't become a chem. major for the money. Now you want the same things that I want, you just! [He puts a hand to his forehead.] You have to, you just have to push a little, you have to push a little bit harder, harder for them."
Jerry," Sebastian? [Sebastian, now leaning on the breakfast table, collapses taking the table with him. The board members run over.] Call 911! Isn't someone here a doctor? [Ironic close-up on Sebastian's face!and credits!]"
House, Selling subscriptions? I heard twenty and you get a new bike.
Cuddy, Dr. Sebastian Charles collapsed during a presentation at Stoia Tucker.
House, Really? Crushed under the weight of his own ego?
Cuddy, Wow. Is there nobody you admire?
House," Well, there was this gal I met in 'Nam who could blow out a candle without using her ""�"
Cuddy, He thinks it's TB. [She hands him a chart.]
House, Good thing he's not the syphilis expert.
Cuddy, He wants a second opinion.
House, Second to his own. Okay. [Closes chart] It's not TB.
Cuddy, What is it?
House," Oh, you want specifics?"
Sebastian, Lemma. Big Knicks fan.
Foreman, You've nEver had an episode like this before?
Sebastian," No. He died last month. Stupidly tried to share his meds with his cousin and they only had enough for one. [House enters.] Dr. House, I'm Sebastian Charles. [He offers his hand, which House walks right by.]"
House, Patients aren't usually part of the diagnostic process.
Sebastian," Well, I'm a doctor!. Listen, I know you guys don't make a lot of money, but""�"
Cameron, I wrote your people a check last month.
Sebastian," Oh, well! write us another one."
Foreman," Talk to Chase, he's rich."
Chase," My dad, not me."
Sebastian," Every minute, four people die of TB."
House," [writing on the board] Wow, how can you sleep at night?"
Sebastian," There're people dying in Africa of a disease that we cured over ""�"
House," Yeah, I know. I saw the concert. Seriously, let's say you sleep six hours; that means Every night you kill 1440 people. I guess you got to get some sleep, but come on, if you'd stayed up another 10 minutes you could have saved 40 lives. Do you send notes to the families in the morning? That's going to take at least ten minutes so that's another 40 dead, another 40 notes!. Why don't you go wrack yourself with guilt in your own room?"
Sebastian," No, thanks, I'll stay. I'd like to hear the differential."
House," Dr. Cameron, tell the doctor why it's not a good idea for the Patient to be here."
Cameron, He's an immunologist and a TB expert.
House," That'll be very useful if we need somebody to say the words, ""I think it's TB.""� [He sniffs.] What is that?"
Sebastian," Oh that. I'm sorry, that's my body powder. It's the only thing I've found that works in the Sahara. I, I'm kind of used to it, I don't Even notice it."
House, Who thinks it smells like an elephant dung smoothie?
Cameron, It smells okay to me. [Sebastian laughs.]
House," That is exactly why the Patient shouldn't be in the room. If you can't tell a Man that his cologne makes you want to puke, how are you going to tell him that he's an idiot?"
Cameron, He's not an idiot.
House," Sure, you say that now, while he's in the room."
Sebastian," Look, I don't have time for this. It's TB."
House, Nope. The symptoms are too varied.
Sebastian," Well, if you haven't seen 10,000 cases I'd agree that's what you'd think."
House, Told you he's an idiot. You said you wanted a second opinion.
Sebastian," No, actually. My backers wanted a second opinion."
House," Yeah, doesn't look good if you drop dead while wearing your shoes sponsor's logo."
Sebastian," It's TB, and I'm not dying. I'm going to want you to plan a PPD and induce sputum to confirm the TB. [House nods to Chase and Foreman, who stand up. Sebastian follows.] Imaging studies will determine the progress, and I think we should pRobably take a CT-scan of my lungs just so that nobody second-guesses us?"
House, Wouldn't want that. [Sebastian's cell rings. He answers it.]
Sebastian," [on phone] Hello? No, I'm feeling much better. [Sebastian leaves the office, but goes the wrong way down the hall.] Well, what you can do is you can get your board to approve the increased med shipments that ""� [Cameron runs down the hall to shepherd Sebastian the right way.] No, no, no, no, don't try. No, no, don't do your best. Just get it done, okay? [He hangs up by the elevator.] That's Stoia Tucker, and they're the nice pharmaceutical company."
Cameron," I'm sorry, but it's against hospital regs. [She holds out her hand.]"
Sebastian," Oh, I need the phone. [Cameron's beeper goes off.]"
Chase, Why don't we focus on getting you better right now? [Chase's beeper goes off.]
Sebastian," What are you going to do, throw me out?"
Foreman," No, just the phone. [Foreman grabs it as his beeper goes off.]"
Chase," Sorry, we've got an emergency. [Chase and Foreman run off.]"
Cameron, There's a phone in your room.
Sebastian," Yeah, I figured that there would be."
Cameron," Right, I just thought, it's not like the hospitals that you might used to in Africa. [Sebastian gets in the elevator; Cameron stops the door from closing on her.] I don't know what the facilities were like!"
Sebastian, Thank you.
Cameron, You're welcome.
Sebastian, And thanks for that check. [Cameron's beeper beeps again.]
Cameron, [smiling very broadly] I should go.
House," The nameless poor have a face, and it's a pompous white Man. [Cameron enters.]"
Cameron," Yeah, what a jerk, saving all those lives like that."
Foreman, What's the emergency?
House," [looking at his yo-yo] I can't remember how to do Walk the Dog. The guy's sick, he may be dying. We've forgotten all about doing a differential diagnosis."
Cameron," You just sent us off to test him for ""�"
House, I had to get him out of there. Now we can all sit around and call him an idiot. Who wants to go first?
Cameron, He's right! Tuberculosis could present in hundreds of different ways!
House," Well, by that logic, Everyone in the hospital should be treated."
Foreman, Not Everyone in the hospital's been exposed to it for the last 20 years.
House," TB takes years to kill you. Two weeks ago he was perfectly healthy, now he's got a white board full of symptoms."
Chase, What about something metabolic?
House," Welcome aboard the Good Ship Asskisser. [Chase glares.] Nice day for a sail. Pucker up, me hearties."
Cameron," It's not metabolic. Kidney, liver and thyroid are all normal. No diabetes."
Chase, What about his heart?
House, Obviously big as all out doors.
Chase, Abnormal heart rhythm. White form showed P-R variability.
House," It's subtle, but it's there."
Foreman, You think it's his heart? Sick sinus syndrome?
House," Loose throttle. Sometimes beats too fast, sometimes too slow."
Chase, Causing him to pass out.
Cameron, It would account for the episode. I'll put him on telemetry; do a stress test and an echocardiogram.
House," Treat him like Every other hospital Patient. I want to see that pious, body powered toosh hanging out of his gown."
Sebastian, Could you give me a hand with this thing? I don't recall asking for a stress test or an echocardiogram.
Cameron," What are you going to do, walk out? Corporate sponsors aren't going to like that. I need your forearm. [She prepares his arm for a shot.]"
Sebastian, What's House thinking?
Cameron, Sick sinus syndrome.
Sebastian," Well, that's a lot more serious than TB. [Cameron sticks him! slightly.] Is that a PPD?"
Cameron," If it changes colour in the next 48 hours ""�"
Sebastian," Yeah, uh, if House doesn't think it's TB why would he have you test for that?"
Cameron," Just covering all his bases, I guess."
Sebastian," Uh huh. He doesn't seem like a guy who, who does that. [Cameron smiles.]"
Cameron, We have you scheduled for a 10:30 echo.
Sebastian, Good for you. [He chuckles as she wheels him out of the room.]
House," Every minute that we refuse to love one another, another puppy cries another tear."
Wilson, You're just mad that he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are.
House," And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes. Crazy, crazy world."
Wilson," It's not just a trip to Stockholm, you know. It comes with a cash prize."
House," Seriously? No wonder Everyone's going after that peace thing. [The elevator dings, and they walkout into the hospital lobby.]"
Wilson," He cures thousands of people Every year, you cure, what? 30?"
House, McDonald's makes a better hamburger than your mother because they make more?
Wilson," Oh, I see! So you hate him because the lives he saves aren't as good as the lives you save."
House," Yup, that's the reason. Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money."
Mandy, The top of my head's killing me. [She puts her hand on her head to demonstrate.]
House," Hmmm. We spent a week doing 'top of head' in Anatomy. I know just where it is. [He sticks his fingers right against her sinuses, and she flinches. (Ed. ""� And I flinch in sympathy.)]"
Mandy, Ow! That is not the top of my head!
House," Eh, close enough for clinic. Your sinuses are clogged. Judging by the scratches on your hands, I'm guessing a new cat."
Mandy, It was my mother's. She's dead.
House, You keep a dead cat?
Mandy, No. My mother's dead.
House," Oh. Poor cat. You're allergic. We can control it with antihistamine, one pill a day."
Mandy, Pills?
House, You don't like to swallow. Not surprised. Forget the pills. I'll give you a nasal spray.
Mandy, Steroids? Is there something else you can give me?
House," Well, if you lived by the river, I've got a bag."
Foreman," Hey, stress test was normal."
House, But his EKG was not normal.
Foreman, Echo's normal.
House," Two for you, one for me. We need a tie-breaker."
Foreman, Echo and stress test are more reliable.
House, Tilt-table test.
Foreman, NEver works.
House, Bet you a week's clinic duty it does.
Foreman," Hah hah, you're on."
House, You like this guy? [And up.]
Foreman, You always tell us our opinion of the Patient is irrelevant.
House," Medically, it's irrelevant. [Down.] That says something about you. [Up.]"
Foreman, You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?
House," Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function."
Foreman," Hmmm. So, the great huManitarian's as selfish as the rest of us."
House, Just not as honest about it.
Foreman," You also always tell us motives are irrelevant. [And Sebastian is still going up!] Dr. Charles, your heart's handling the changes in orientation just fine. No pauses on your EKG. And House drives up for the lay-up and oh, rejected! [Heh, those doctors and those sports metaphors.]"
House, What does this knobby thing do?
Foreman, I'm within protocol range; you're not going to get a different result.
House," The way I figure it is, if this could show you pRoblems at 6, imagine what could happen if you crank it to10. [The table starts going up and down much faster.]"
Sebastian," House, is that you?"
House, Does it go to 11?
Foreman, Would you stop? You lost. I'm scheduled for clinic duty Thursday and Friday.
Sebastian," [up, down, up] All right, I'm beginning to feel nauseous."
Foreman, Would you turn the damn thing off before you break it? [He slaps House's hand away.]
Sebastian," Okay, I'm getting dizzy, I can't see, I'm gonna pass out."
House, I win.
Foreman," At those speeds, astronauts throw up."
House, I'm not talking about the nausea. [He points to the screen with the readout.]
Foreman, The test rEvealed pRoblem.
Sebastian," Yeah? House is insane? What he just did ""�"
Foreman," Abusive and unprofessional. If he hadn't done it, we wouldn't have seen the pRoblem. You've got an abnormal P-R interval. It could be dangerous, possibly fatal, particularly if you're in Africa away from advanced medicine."
Sebastian, I'm going to need a pacemaker?
Foreman, You're scheduled for surgery this afternoon.
Cameron, You'll be able to maintain your pacemaker from anywhere; you just need to get yourself to a phone line Every few months.
Sebastian," Better yet, you could join me at one of my clinics."
Cameron, I'm kind of spoiled.
Sebastian," Well, we'll get you a hut with a view. You like sand?"
Cameron," I meant medically. No PET scans, no MRIs!"
Sebastian, This is ridiculous. [He gets out of the wheelchair.]
Cameron," Dr. Charles, wait ""�"
Sebastian," I know, I know, hospital regulations. Darling ""� [he calls to an old Woman walking by with a walker] ""� have a seat. [To Cameron] Come on."
Sebastian," You're smart, you'll adapt! we going up or down?"
Cameron, Basement.
Sebastian," All right. You might Even find that without the technological crutches you become a better diagnostician. My heart can handle this, right?"
Cameron, So far just carnival rides have set you off.
Sebastian, When you meet these people it changes you. We should talk about it over dinner.
Cameron, Are you asking me to Africa or on a date?
Sebastian," Oh, I can ask you halfway across the world, I can't ask you to a restaurant a block away?"
Cameron," Well, one's a job, and thee other's!"
Sebastian," Yeah, hospital regs, you can't date Patients, right, I wouldn't want to risk your precious objectivity. You haven't answered either question, by the way."
Cameron, You don't think objectivity's important?
Sebastian," I think doctors like House cling to objectivity like a three-year-old to a blanket; don't get too worked up, stay calm, stay cool and maintain that correct perspective. The only flaw in their argument is when you have millions of people dying the correct perspective is to be yelling at the top of your lungs. Sorry, my heads killing me."
Cameron," Here, sit on the step. [She takes his pulse.]"
Sebastian," So, you gonna go out with me or not?"
Cameron, Your heart rate's normal.
Sebastian," Yeah, of course it is, it's one flight of stairs. I'm going to be fine. My hand's a little ""� [And with that he vomits and collapses on top of Cameron.]"
Cameron, Call a code! Second floor stairwell! [But who was she yelling to?]
Cameron, You were wrong.
House," Hey, I have feelings. I'm trying my best. Isn't that enough for you?"
Chase, [waving the paper] The abnormal was real!
Cameron, It's not sick sinus syndrome.
House," Well, thank God we found out before we put the pacemaker in. And thank God you dragged him into a stairwell to get his heart racing."
Cameron, We were taking the stairs; they keep them in the stairwell.
Chase," The guy's a selfish jerk, why would you ""�"
Cameron, Why would you say he's selfish?
House, Because he's been talking to Foreman. [The phone rings.]
Chase," No I haven't, I'm just giving my opinion. This kind of altruism doesn't just naturally ""�"
House, Excellent briefing.
Foreman," Hey, the guy's still sick. Can we talk about that? The headaches point to a neurological pRoblem. Acoustic neuroma. Brian tumour causes dizziness, loss of consciousness, messes with breathing patterns, heart rhythms ""�"
House," Get an MRI. [Picks up phone] Hello? Oh, I'm sorry, I'll be right down. No pRoblem, I'll do an extra hour to make up. I'm late for my clinic duty. Here, go be me for a couple hours. [He tosses Foreman his nametag, looking smug.]"
Foreman," Explosive diarrhoea, fEver! it's pRobably the flu."
Cecelia," Wow, you're good. You a Harvard boy?"
Foreman," You're not Hale, Oliver?"
Cecelia," No. Carter, Cecelia."
Foreman," They put you in the wrong room, Cecelia."
Cecelia, Mrs. Carter.
Foreman, Sorry. I'll just be a few minutes; don't take these in order and Everything falls apart.
Cecelia, I have cancer. [Foreman turns to look at her.] I felt a lump.
Foreman, I'll go get a nurse.
Cecelia," Yeah, see you in an hour or two."
Foreman," Lie flat. Lift your left arm up and under your head? [She does so, after unbuttoning her blouse.] Right there?"
Cecelia," Yeah, I felt it this morning. Oh, my cousin had the same thing."
Foreman," It's nothing. We should check it again on your next cycle, but you really don't have anything to worry about."
Cecelia, That's what they told Donna. She was dead in six months.
Foreman," Look, the edges are smooth, it has mobility, it has all the earmarks of a benign!"
Cecelia, Why should I beliEve you? Because you're trying to rush me out of here?
Foreman," The risks of a false positive on a biopsy outweigh ""�"
Cecelia," Either you do the biopsy or I talk to your superior. Which is it ""� [looks at nametag] Dr. House?"
Foreman, I'll arrange the biopsy.
Cecelia, Thanks.
Cameron, He asked me out.
Chase, I'm shocked. I'm shocked when Patients don't ask you out.
Cameron, He also asked me to come to Africa.
Chase," Boy, he moves fast."
Cameron, I think the two questions had two different objectives.
Chase," Well, do you like him?"
Cameron," Good looking single guy, genius doctor, cares about the world!"
Chase, I take it you said no.
Cameron," You think I'm that hung-up on rules and ""�"
Chase," He's not House. There's nothing there. [Indeed the MRI is spotless. HowEver, Sebastian's arm does have a spot!]"
Cameron," Yeah, there is."
House, Did I ask you to plant a PPD?
Cameron," It was positive, he's got TB!"
House," Well, of course he's got TB! The guy's been in the jungle for 20 years! If he tested positive for pink-eye would you think that was his big pRoblem?"
Cameron," I did a test, it was positive, why is that a pRoblem?"
House," Because now he's got the big red target on his arm, the stubborn jerk thinks he's right! He won't let us do any more tests."
Cameron," Well, maybe he's not the only stubborn jerk. [House does an exaggerated ""what, me?""� kind of gesture.] I did an LP2: low glucose and he has an increased sed rate. Everything screams tuberculosis!"
House, Not Everything!
Cameron, If any of the symptoms are caused by the TB it would throw off our diagnosis.
House, You're right. Got to treat the TB.
Cameron," Who knows, maybe he'll just get better."
House," You'd like that, wouldn't you? [Cameron leaves.]"
Wilson," So it's TB, but not TB?"
House, I'm compliCated.
Wilson," The guy does know tuberculosis. If he says it can Manifest itself ""�"
House," He's not Even a real doctor, he's a huMan telethon."
Wilson," Is that your pRoblem with him? You see hypocrites Every day, why is this guy so special?"
House, You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The pRoblem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of Patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It's cheating.
Wilson, So it's all because he's one of them useless specialists?
House," Oh, did I hurt the big time oncologist's itty bitty feelings? [House, at this point, start covering his steak with salad greens.] You're a big help to Patients who actually have cancer. Other times you're just annoying. [Cuddy walks up.]"
Cuddy, You've outdone yourself.
House, I'll say. My salad's covering a free t-bone steak.
Cuddy," Cecelia Carter, remember her?"
House," Last week they said it was ""Mystery Stew""�, they owe me."
Cuddy, She was just in my office crying because of the way you treated her.
Wilson, That doesn't sound like you!
House, Then it pRobably wasn't.
Cuddy," I get that you like to shock people. Stun them out of complacency, out of stupidity. But this Woman thought she had cancer, she had a lump in her breast! What were you trying to accomplish?"
House," Let me ask you something: if this were another doctor, if this Patient were complaining about, let's say, I don't know, Foreman, you'd just dismiss this as the paranoid bitParkng of another paranoid bitch and file it under 'P' for ""�"
Wilson, Paranoid?
House, Am not.
Cuddy, You're right.
House, Good.
Cuddy, Apologize to her before the end of business today. [She leaves.]
Wilson, What did you do to Ceci?
House," I have no idea. [to the cashier] Just a salad today, big breakfast."
Sebastian," Hey. [Cameron gives him a little cup of pills, which he looks at.] Levofloxacin?"
Cameron, You have a resistant strain of TB.
Sebastian," Wow, you just walk right in with these."
Cameron, That's what we doctors do. We write down the name of some medicine and someone gives it to us.
Sebastian," You know, there's parts of the world where you get knifed walking around with this. I mean, regular stuff's bad enough, but treatment for the resistant strain? [Holds up a pill] I could get $6 a tablet for that one. And I'd take it for two years. Streptomycin, now that's two grand! ten grand, cure one person. I had a Patient in Jani once. It was a mother, had three little boys. She had resistant TB, she couldn't afford these. She couldn't afford bread. We gave her the regular stuff, but no surprise she died."
Cameron, I'm sorry.
Sebastian, I'm not taking these pills.
Cameron, Because she couldn't get them you're not going to take them? That's insane!
Sebastian," Why, because I'm better than her?"
Cameron, Because letting her die was wrong but letting you die is just as wrong.
Sebastian," Well, maybe I won't die. Maybe somebody will pay a little more attention to my story."
Cameron," He figures the pharmaceuticals need something big to force them into action. This'll get a lot more media play than a thousand African villagers dying. [The phone rings. Chase checks the caller ID ""� it's Newsweek!]"
House, So he won't take the pills.
Chase, Newsweek's calling you!
House, And he won't agree to any more tests.
Cameron, He has his diagnosis.
House, See what happens when you don't listen to me?
Cameron," Maybe millions of lives get saved ""�"
House," Yeah, that's my point. Increased heart rate, night sweats, loss of consciousness! besides rough sex, what do they all have in common?"
Cameron," T ""�"
House, It's not TB!
Chase, His autonomic nervous system?
Cameron, We know that it's not a brain tumour.
Chase, So what else could be eating his nerves?
Foreman," Fabry's, autonomic disregulation syndrome, shy-drager syndrome, it doesn't matter. He won't let us test him. [The phone begins to ring again. House picks up.]"
House," [on phone] In my opinion, Dr. Sebastian Charles is an idiot. Yeah, you can quote me. C-u-d-d-y. [Chase and Foreman laugh to themselves.]"
House, Sebastian is refusing life-saving treatment.
Cuddy," He's refusing TB treatment. You don't think he has TB, ergo you should care less."
House, He won't let me test him.
Cuddy, And what do you want me to do about it?
House, Hold him down.
Cuddy, Have you apologized to Cecelia Carter yet?
House," Trust me; she doesn't want to hear it from me. Look, the guy is killing himself, am I the only one who realizes this is a bad thing? [Cuddy begins to put on lipstick.] If he was a Christian Scientist refusing meds we'd have 18 attorneys!. You're putting on make-up. That's not a good sign for my side, is it?"
Cuddy, Sebastian has called a press conference for 3. He's asked me to be there to confirm the diagnosis and the prognosis.
House, You are as big a media whore as he is.
Cuddy, Of course I am. It couldn't possibly be that I think he's right and I'd like to be a small part of what he's doing.
House," Oh, whores can like the sex. Doesn't mean they're not whores. And with that eye shadow! I am totally screwed, aren't I?"
Cuddy, Totally. [She leaves.]
Cameron, How're you feeling?
Sebastian, A little weak.
Cameron," You're having a good day. The symptoms will quickly focus more and more on your lungs, you'll find it difficult to talk and Eventually breathe at all."
Sebastian, I think I know what I have to look forward to.
Cameron, I know. I just came to ask if you'd be willing to accept any treatment.
Sebastian," Nah, if you're trying to scare me into any ""�"
Cameron," No. Palliative treatment, narcotics � Fentanyl patch, morphine drip � whatEver it takes. We can make your last days fairly comfortable. And if you have another good day, maybe dinner."
Sebastian, [takes Cameron's hand]Thank you. [House notices the cozy scene and decides to intervene.]
House," You want third-world treatment? [turns up the thermostat] You got it. Boy, is it hot here in Jani!"
Cameron, What are you doing?
House," What am I doing? [He knocks all of Sebastian's things off of the tray of the bed.] Putting Everything on the floor of the hut. Uh oh, wicked magic box with the moving pictures!"
Cameron, You think he's a hypocrite?
House," [unplugging the TV] Hypocrite? No, Everyone in Africa's got cell phones or running water. [Speaking of cell phones, it just got dropped in the toilet. It's a tight fit, though, so House prods it down the hole with his cane.] Hah, this thing just will not flush."
Sebastian," Do you really think that if you come in here and make it a little hot, make it smell a little, that I'm just going to fold and abandon Everything that matters to me?"
House," [wiping his cane on Sebastian's blanket] Lousy sanitation over there, too. You are not the same as them; your life is not the same. And you are cheapening Everything they're going through by pretending you are."
Sebastian," I am the same, I'm not special."
House, You can't deMand to be treated like any third-world sick person and call a press conference!
Sebastian, They treat me special! That doesn't mean I am! Now what kind of selfish jerk wouldn't take advantage of that fact?
Sebastian," It's all prEventable. Stoia Tucker makes medications right here, in New Jersey. They have wareHouses full of the stuff; there's more than enough to go around. So if I can get them, why can't Lemma? Why can't Quesmo? And why can't Sarni? [He snaps.] Another person just died. Where is your outrage?"
Sebastian," [on TV] No, I have no intention of martyring myself, I'm just putting myself!"
House," [keeps snapping] Sure, they're dying, but it's got a great beat."
Wilson, Must be hot as hell under those lights.
House, Yup. [Foreman enters.]
Foreman," Hey, why the page? He okay?"
House," He's in a coma. I need you to apologize to Ceci, Cecily!"
Foreman, Mrs. Carter? For what?
House, For whatEver I did.
Foreman, You didn't do anything.
House, That has been my position all along.
Cuddy," [on TV] X-rays are negative, so he's not contagious at this point, his condition's currently stable ""�"
House," Do you notice how all the self-sacrificing women in history ""� Joan of Arc, Mother Theresa, can't think of any others ""� they all die alone. The men on the other hand get so much fuzz it's crazy."
Wilson, It's an unfair world.
Foreman," House, she was scared and unreasonable."
House," Insulting a Woman with breast cancer ""� that's a move best left to the pros. Frankly, you don't have the chops."
Foreman," I didn't insult her! I did the unnecessary biopsy, like she wanted. [House moves to change the tint on the TV.] It was negative, like I knew it would be."
House," What did you do, call 'em perky? You are years away from mad skills [Ed. ""� m4d sk1llz?] like that. I need you to apologize."
Foreman," You know, Cuddy's only doing this because she thinks it's you."
House," Welcome to the world. Everyone's different, Everyone gets treated different. You try fighting that, you end up dying of TB. [House hits the TV.]"
Wilson, What are you doing?
House, Testing the Patient's autonomic nervous system.
Wilson, Of course.
House," His internal heating and ventilation should be off, shouldn't be able to sweat. That's why he's got that awful body powder. Take it away, crank up the heat, stick him under the lights, can't cool himself. He should be turning bright red."
Wilson," The picture's fine. [House looks puzzled, and then leaves, leaving a puzzled Foreman and Wilson.]"
Sebastian," I'm asking Stoia Tucker to save these lives, millions of lives. Including my own. [House barges in.] Dr. House, I would appreciate it if you left us alone. [House grabs a TV light and shines it in Sebastian's face.] Get that out of my face."
Cuddy," What are you trying to prove, House? [Foreman takes House's chair and grabs some of Wilson's Parkps.]"
Sebastian," Dr. House, I would appreciate it if you left the room."
House, He's sweating like a pig.
Cameron," It's a hundred degrees in here, House, because you turned up the thermostat."
Sebastian," Did they hear me? The media, did they listen?"
House, He's disoriented.
Sebastian," They, they have to hear me."
House, His arteries are clamping down. [A monitor starts beeping.]
Cuddy," I want Everybody out of here, now!"
House," Get the crash cart, he's having a cardiac arrest! [More beeping.]"
Cuddy," Get them out! Everyone, I want Everyone out of here now! [Nurses rush in, having to Manoeuvre past the TV cameras. Cameron gets the paddles.]"
Cameron," Clear. [She shocks him. Cuddy shakes her head.] Come on, Sebastian. Clear! [Another shock.]"
Cuddy, I've got sinus rhythm.
House, [in the camera's face] That is not TB!
Wilson, Compelling television.
Sebastian, Do whatEver tests you want.
House, I want to treat you for TB. Dr. Cameron found low sugar in your cerebrospinal fluid. It's a classic finding of TB.
Sebastian, And now you think TB's the pRoblem?
House," Nah. If TB caused cardiac arrest on a hot day, your work in Africa would be Even more futile than it already is."
Sebastian," Can you get to your point, please?"
House," That white board in my office, we're up to about a dozen symptoms now. Cardiac arrest, clearly not TB. CSF sugar clearly is TB. The rest of them could go either way. Unless we know which ones are which I can't diagnose you. [He holds out the pills, which Sebastian takes and places on the tray next to him.]"
Sebastian, I'll take any other tests or treatments you might want to prescribe.
House," So you're not special, but TB is."
Sebastian," People die of TB because we let them, it's our choice."
House," People die of malaria because we let them, they die of dysentery ""�"
Sebastian," Nah, TB's my disease."
House," You own a disease? Well, I'm sorry I missed the IPO on dengue fEver."
Sebastian," Look, I know I have a way about me. I know I piss a lot of people off, and a whole lot more I just annoy. But you're the first person that I've Ever met who I think is actually annoyed by what I do. Do you think I'm not saving any lives, or is that a bad thing?"
House," Right now, I'm just trying to save your life."
Sebastian," Or do you just have a pRoblem with hope? [House rolls his eyes.] You know, the difference between our jobs is not numbers or styles. It's that I know I'm going to fail. Even if I save a million people there's going to be another million. You couldn't handle that. I think you resent anyone who can."
House," Can't we just agree that you're incredibly annoying? Take the pills or I let you die, do an autopsy, call my own press conference, and make sure the world knows that you didn't die of TB. Corporate sponsors will be disappointed, but they'll find another disease."
Sebastian, Why would you do that?
House," Because I'm just a mean son of a bitch. [House leaves, and Sebastian takes the pills.]"
House," So we still have to explain P-R variability, syncope, headaches, and! low sugar?"
Foreman, That was classic TB.
Chase, Apparently not.
Cameron, You've rerun the test?
Chase, Yeah.
House, This is good!
Foreman, Good? This is bizarre.
House, Bizarre is good! Common has hundreds of explanations. Bizarre has hardly any.
Cameron, What else could cause low CSF sugar?
House, Uh-uh. I get to ask the questions. I've found you look a lot smarter asking the questions than dumbly not answering.
Chase, High insulin lEvels in his blood.
Cameron, They'd have to be very high.
Chase," Okay, very high insulin lEvels in his blood."
Cameron," How could he get high insulin lEvels? We've checked daily blood sugars, all normal!"
House, See how smart she looks? Cause she asked the question.
Cameron," And it's not glucagonoma because he has no rash. It's not self-induced because he's not an idiot, and it's not a tumour because the CT and the MRI were both negative."
House," Which just leaves the tumour. [He leaves, they all follow.]"
Cameron," Why do you do this? Why do you ignore what I say like I'm not Even ""�"
House," Small tumour. Really, really tiny. So small we can't see it. Nesidioblastoma."
Chase, An abnormal growth of the insulin-secreting glands of his pancreas?
Foreman, It only intermittently secretes insulin.
House," It responds to stress. Like if, oh, I don't know, if someone accidentally puts the mechanical bull on11. [They pile into the elevator.] Easily removed by surgery."
Cameron," Except, if it's so small we can't see it, how're we Even going to prove it's there?"
House," ""She asked, looking clEver.""�"
Cameron, We just start hacking away at his pancreas until he gets better?
House, How do you prove something exists when you can't see it? Does God exist? Does the wind blow?
Foreman, We know because the leaves move.
House," Look for effects. [They get out of the elevator, where Cuddy and Cecelia are moving toward them.]"
Foreman," Uh, we should look the other way. It's Cuddy with your Patient."
House, Dr. House has an emergency.
Foreman, We can't avoid her forEver.
House, Eventually she'll die. You sure she doesn't have breast cancer?
House," We think you have a tumour, easily removed surgically. We're going to poke it with a stick."
Sebastian, And if there's no tumour?
House," Nothing happens. Splenic artery, it's a hard left off the celiac. [Chase goes for the artery.]"
Sebastian, If there is a tumor?
House, What usually happens when you poke something with a stick? It pokes back.
Cameron, He's stuck in the superior mesenteric.
House, I knew we should have stopped for directions. Men.
Chase, I'm there.
House," We're going to inject calcium into your pancreas. The beta cells will release insulin. If there are too Many beta cells because of a tumor, your blood sugar will drop precipitously."
Sebastian, How do we know it won't go too low?
House, Fingers and toes crossed.[to Chase] Go ahead. [Chase injects the calcium. CGI shot of it entering the artery.]
Cameron, Glucose is holding steady at 75.
House, No leaves rustling. Blow harder.
Chase, I already gave him 1 amp.
House," Well, I guess now would be the time to give him more than 1 amp. [CGI of more calcium entering.]"
Cameron, 50. It's starting to drop. 45.
Sebastian, I think my arm's shaking.
Foreman, I'm going to start him on a glucose drip. He's going to seize
House, Not yet.
Foreman, He's continuing to drop.
House, Not fast enough. [Monitor beeps.]
Cameron, He's seizing.
Chase, We've got to rEverse this.
Cameron," He's at 40, 38, 35![Monitor gets to 30, before -- ]"
House," Push an amp of D-50, you want to kill the guy? [CGI of the meds entering the system.]"
Cameron, We're back to 40.
House," Congratulations, you have a tumor."
House, Are you going to go out with him?
Cameron, Is that any of your business?
House, Nope.
Cameron, I don't think so.
House, Two days ago you were holding his hand. What's changed?
Cameron," He practically lives in Africa, there's no future."
House," On the other hand, maybe there's too much of a future now. You weren't attracted to him because he was prepared to die for a cause, you were attracted to him because he was actually doing it."
Cameron, Right. It's that simple.
House, That was simple?
Cameron, I put a label on them and go from there.
House, Everybody does it. We are who people think we are. People think he's a great doctor so they give him stuff.
Cameron, He is a great doctor.
House," The reality is irrelevant. [House looks into the clinic and sees Cecelia sitting there.] I'll prove it. People who know me see me as an ass, treat me as an ass. People who don't know me see a cripple, treat me as a cripple. What kind of selfish jerk wouldn't take advantage of that fact? [He enters the clinic, and walks by Cecelia, deliberately leaning his cane on her boot.]"
Cecelia, Ow!
House," Oh, my goodness, are you okay?"
Cecelia, Yeah. [Cuddy comes to her door.]
House," [exaggerated, toward Cuddy]I am so sorry. It was completely my fault."
Cecelia," It's nothing, I'm fine."
House," Well, I'm very reliEved, I feel terrible."
Cecelia," Don't worry about it, I'm fine."
House," You sure? Okay. [They shake hands. Cuddy and House make faces at each other. As House leaves, Cuddy walks through her office door to Cecelia.]"
Cuddy, How's Everything?
Cecelia, I'm going to go. My foot's killing me.
Cuddy," Oh, what did you do?"
Cecelia," It was nothing, it was all my fault. [She leaves.]"
Sebastian," [on phone] Yeah, listen, Fugawi, relax. I'm going to be back on Tuesday. Tell Sarni I'm going to bring her a new brace. All right. [He hangs up. Cameron comes in with a wheelchair.] You get 'em?"
Cameron, Six month supply. Should fix you right up. See you when you come back for a refill?
Sebastian," Yeah, I'll be back in two months."
Cameron, You're going to give them away?
Sebastian," Well, you know how these things happen, you leave a bag in the airplane, drop some pills down the drain!. I have an idea. You could bring me the refill in Africa."
Cameron, I don't think so.
Sebastian," You actually like working for House, you find this satisfying? [He nods, gives her a little kiss on the cheek, and they hug. Aww. Sebastian leaves as the closing music starts.]"
Sebastian," Thank you, thank you, I appreciate that. I appreciate the support."
House," It's not about the kids dying Every 8 seconds, it's about the media stroking. Adulation and pats on the head."
Wilson," That's your pRoblem with him, isn't it?"
House," Look at him, he loves it. Eats it up."
Wilson," Yeah, the Man actually enjoys what he does. [Pointed look.]"
House," Listen, I saved his life. That means I get credit for Every life he saves from here on out."
Wilson, I'll make sure Stockholm knows.
Ken," [laughs] I ought to have this framed, my last bill from Princeton."
Carnell, And I thought we were celebrating the fact that I actually graduated.
Ken," I always knew you'd be able to graduate, what I didn't know was whether I would be able to pay for it. Your mom, uh, she'd be so proud of you."
Carnell, You always say that.
Ken, I'm so proud of you. Always was.
Carnell, Come on dad you going to cry.
Ken, [laughs] You want to be embarrassed?
Ken, You got it.
Ken," Look, uh, don't party too hard tonight, your grandmother wants a picture of you getting that sheepskin, and it'd be nice if you didn't look completely hung-over."
Carnell," Ooh, no, don't worry, I've had enough alcohol in the past week to last me another four years."
Ken, Good. I think.
Kid, 12.55!
Carnell," [cheers and stands up, slapping hands with the people around him] You are the Man! [bear hugs a friend, Taddy]"
Taddy, Tell me something I don't know.
Carnell," Ow! Ow, OW! Hey that's not funny Man."
Taddy, What?
Carnell," Yeah right, you shocked me."
Taddy, With what? I got nothing.
Carnell, All right whoEver's doing that better cut it out!
Carnell, What the hell's going on?
Girl," Maybe there's a short somewhere, the floor's covered with beer."
Kid," No the outlets are GFIs, plus he's got rubber-soled shoes on."
Kid, Somebody call 911!
Wilson," Patient experiences shock-like sensations, as well as headaches, nausea, and drowsiness."
Chase, Shocks?
Wilson," Excruciatingly painful shocks. ER docs referred him to a neurologist, who referred him to five other doctors in the last sEven days."
Cameron," Shocks could be L'Hermitte's Sign, early symptom of MS."
Wilson," No, MRI showed no white matter lesions, and the shocks aren't accompanied by neck flexing."
House, Good morning!
Foreman, It's almost noon.
House, Really? That must be why I'm so hungry. Who's up for lunch?
Cameron, What's with the jacket?
House," [poses] It keeps me warm, and cool. How does it know?"
Wilson, We're discussing your new Patient.
House," Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new Patient."
Wilson, You accepted him the moment I loaned you five grand.
House," Oh, wait, wait, when I said I'd do anything for the money, obviously I didn't mean it."
Wilson, You're going to like this. Kid's getting shocked Every few minutes.
Cameron, Why would you need five thousand dollars?
Chase," Bad night at poker, or great night with a hooker?"
House," Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke. [Chase smiles, and House turns to Wilson] College student? Nitrous oxide is fun at parties. 'Cause the shocks and drinking 'til you puke Every night can cause Everything else. Give him some B12."
Wilson," Been there done that, also ruled out cancer, MS, pyridoxine toxicity, and all the popular neuropathies."
House, [sighs] Cervical spondylosis?
Wilson, Doesn't explain the low white count.
House," He's black, I'm assuming he's not just really dirty, but is of African descent. Which means he'd have a lower white count."
Wilson, Not this low.
House," He's a wrestler, pRobably uses diuretics to cut weight, can also cause low white count."
Wilson, Not this low.
House, [Mockingly] Not this low. Tieshets(??).
Wilson, No skin lesions.
Hose, Cervical herpes osteomyelitis?
Wilson, No external outbreak.
House, Something's missing. Find out what it is. [Tosses the chart on the table in front of the ducklings.]
Foreman," Uh, I don't Even know what that means."
House," Well figure it out, find it out, and then find me, I'll be at lunch."
Ken, No ideas?
Cameron," Lots of ideas, too Many ideas, that's why so Many tests. Have you used any recreational drugs?"
Ken, What? I'm going to get mad at you for getting stoned? Not today. Not here.
Carnell," Um, well at Christmas, one of the guys had some Ecstasy. It was... [Gets shocked and screams] Son of a bitch."
Foreman," ANA is negative for lupus, again."
Chase," House wants more information, not the same information done over again."
Foreman," [mocks] Find what's missing. For all we know the kid is dying, and he's giving us riddles?"
Cameron," Did a more detailed history, went back three generations."
Foreman, And?
Cameron," His mom died in a car accident, his mom's mom had arthritis, and his mom's mom's dad served in an all black tank battalion in Gapettion."
Foreman, Fascinating. If it's not a tumor it has to be MS.
Chase, Wilson already ruled out [interrupted]
Foreman, MRI can't rule out MS 100% of the time.
Cameron, MS doesn't explain the low white count.
Foreman," Alcoholism does. On admission his BAC was 2.0, liver enzymes off the chart."
Cameron, It was graduation weekend. He barely drank in the weeks before that and he didn't drink at all during his wrestling season.
Foreman, IF you beliEve him.
Cameron, I did a tox screen!
Chase, It doesn't matter if she beliEves him or not. It's already in the chart. We're supposed to find out what's missing.
Wilson," Well this, this is perfect."
House," Invite me to dinner Thursday night. [Wilson looks blankly at him] Come on we haven't had a nice meal together since, oh!"
Wilson, Yesterday when I loaned you five thousand dollars to buy a new car. [Points at the bike]
House," [tosses his cane up in the air and catches it near the top, then hands it over to Wilson] My treat. [House limps over to the bike]"
Wilson," Two-wheeled vehicles that travel 150 miles an hour don't really go well with crippled, irresponsible, drug addicts."
House," Actually two-wheeled vehicles that go 180 miles an hour do not go well with healthy responsible arParktects who don't know how to separate breaking and turning. [While he is saying this, House is lifting his right leg over the bike, and settling down onto the seat.] Good news is, it brings the price right down."
Wilson, You're taking it back.
House,[Mock whining] Moooom! How about we talk about this over dinner.
Wilson," Forget dinner, you're going to kill yourself!"
Chase, Nice bike!
House," Thank you. See that's how you do it, compliments, dinner."
Cameron, What do you do with your cane?
House," If he buys me dinner, he'll find out. [House takes his cane back from Wilson and twirls it, then clicks it into place on the side of the bike. A special holder is there for that purpose.] Evel KniEvel had the same setup."
Cameron, And he broke Every bone in his body.
Foreman," We went though all the imaging studies, and re-did blood cultures."
House, I don't want hand-me-downs. I want brand new stuff.
Foreman, Well there's nothing [House revs the engine louder] There's nothing![House revs the engine again.]
House, Sorry I didn't catch that last part!
Foreman," There's nothing [Engine revs again, Foreman gives up and stops speaking and House stops revving the engine. Everyone including Wilson starts to smile, Foreman tries again] There's nothing else we can do."
House, You checked the police report?
Foreman, On what?
House, On his mom's car accident.
Cameron," It was 15 years ago, the kid wasn't Even in the car"
House, She veered off a straight dry road in broad daylight. That doesn't seem odd to you?
Foreman, She pRobably got distracted changing radio stations or something.
House," That's what the police thought. Of course, they didn't know that she has a family member who is frequently incapacitated by shock-like sensations"
Cameron, Genetic component seems unlikely
House, It's interesting. Type 2 neurofibromatosis could cause the shocks.
Foreman, You knew this was missing?
House," [shrugs] I knew something was missing. Maybe this, maybe something else. Get a DNA analysis of the long arm of chromosome 22"
House, You'd rather have dinner with your wife?
Wilson," Yes, I would. If she were speaking to me."
House," [smiles] Unlike her, I could make it worth your while [leers]"
Wilson, Fine.
House, Should I drive?
Wilson, Uhh...no. And I'm not letting you in my car until I see your wallet
Foreman, NF2. It's an inherited disease [he sticks a long cotton bud to swab the inside of Carnell's cheek] Could cause abnormal growths in the cranial nerves. It would explain the shocks and other symptoms
Cameron, DNA analysis will show whether your son has the specific chromosome mutation which causes the disease
Ken," But if it's inherited, that means someone else in our family would have it"
Foreman, We think your wife may have had it
Ken," No, she nEver had any sort of health pRoblems"
Cameron, No odd-looking freckles? Nodules in the iris?
Ken," Nothing. I mean, why would you think she was sick?"
Cameron, We think it may have been what caused her car accident
Carnell," Wait, wait... what do you mean? My mom's car was hit by a drunk driver."
Foreman, That's not what the police report indiCated
Carnell," Well, then you must have gotten the wrong report"
Ken," No. They didn't. [sighs] When you started driving, I umm..."
Carnell, Wha... you lied about how mom died?
Ken, I figured if her death could somehow mean something to you--
Carnell," How's lying about it mean something?! How could you use her like that, dad? Her death?"
Ken, I was just trying to protect you.
Carnell, What else isn't true? She wasn't a teacher? You just wanted me to read?
Foreman, What's that smell?
Cameron, [sniffs] I don't smell...
Foreman," [pulls down Carnell's blankets, he's literally pooped himself] We're going to need a nurse"
Carnell, What the hell?
Cameron," It's ok, we'll take care of it"
Ken, You didn't feel anything?
Carnell, No.
Foreman, [takes out his pen and pushes the point against Carnell's big toe] You feel that?
Carnell, Yeah
Cameron, But you didn't feel any of this?
Carnell, No.
Foreman, Sphincter paralysis plus shocks equals Miller Fisher syndrome
Chase, Not if you had the stool sample which was negative for botulinism.
House, He lied to his son about how his mom died? [takes a Vicodin]
Cameron, He was just protecting him
House, Manipulating him.
Cameron, It's what parents do.
House, They lie to us because they love us. Who's getting teary?
Foreman," Mom's death is irrelevant. DNA rEvealed no NF2 markers or any other inherited disease. Apparently, she really did fall asleep at the wheel."
House," SO, what exactly are we talking about here? A little peeker, or did the prairie dog actually come out to play?"
Cameron, Excuse me?
House, Are we talking explosive?
Cameron," The haemacel was negative for blood, and I wouldn't say he actually exploded. More like... gushed?"
House," Good, now we're getting somewhere [checks the caller ID]"
Foreman, Yeah? Where?
House, I have no idea [picks up the phone] Hello?
Foreman, Of course! The riddles.
House," Hi mom! Look, err, I have a business dinner on Thursday night, I can't get out of it. I know, I really I wanted to see you too. Uhh, actually, can I call you back? I'm in a meeting right now. Okay, thanks. [The ducklings look confused and startled, House puts down the phone]"
Cameron, Who was that?
House," Angelina Jolie. I call her mom. Who thinks that's sexy? [turns back to the whiteboard] So, explosive or gushing..."
Cameron," She nEver calls you, is Everything okay?"
House," Great, yeah. My dad's taking her to Europe, they got a nine-hour layover in Newark on Thursday. If it's gastrointestinal..."
Cameron, You lied to avoid seeing your own mom.
House," Are you kidding? I can't lie to my mom. [Cameron's look clearly says that's obviously bullshit] Seriously, I can't! Wilson's invited me to dinner. It'd be rude to stand up a guy who just loaned me 5 grand. [Cameron looks shocked]"
Foreman," Transverse myelitis. Could cause numbness, anal sphincter dysfunction, and the shocks."
House," Thank you for taking no interest in my mother. But that begs the question, what caused the transverse myelitis?"
Foreman," Well, we've ruled out cancer and MS, leaves infection"
Cameron, If there's infection there'd be a fEver
Chase, And his blood and CSF cultures are all negative
Foreman, Maybe the infection's gone but the memory remains
House," Molecular mimicry. Nice. Okay, get an immunoglobulin lEvel and an electrophoresis"
House," [talking to the symptoms on the whiteboard] You're good my friend, I'm sure we'll meet again."
Cameron, You really think that was his mom on the phone?
Chase, PRobably. Don't know why he'd lie about that.
Foreman, Who cares?
Cameron, You're not the least bit curious what his parents are like?
Foreman, I'm sure his mom's a piece of work! Only a mother could do that much damage.
Chase," My bet's he was born the way he is. PRobably tormented his parents, not the other way around"
Foreman," Yeah he was either a fast runner or one hell of a fighter. [to Cameron, who's walking to another door away from where the Ducklings were pRobably supposed to go to do the tests] Where are you going?"
Cameron," You guys can handle the tests, right?"
Cameron, Is there something important that you and House need to discuss over dinner?
Wilson, Other than the sky-rocketing interest rates on personal loans? You know this is the fourth time I've loaned him money? Not lunch money. Money money.
Cameron, House's parents... they have a layover in Newark Thursday Evening.
Wilson, [throws his pen on to the table and sighs] I'm cancelling dinner
Cameron, No. Thought maybe you could just invite a few more people.
Foreman," An infectious agent's molecular structure can resemble the spinal cord's. When the immune system attacks the infection, it ends up attacking the spinal cords as well."
Ken, So he has an infection?
Carnell, Just said I don't
Foreman," If the infection is gone, it goes right on attacking because the spinal cord is still there"
Ken, Is there a treatment?
Chase," Depends on what the original infection was. [To Carnell] All right, you're done. You need to lay flat after a lumbar puncture for about an hour."
Carnell," I feel like I'm going to throw up. Hey dad, can you uh, can you get me a coke please?"
Ken," Yeah, that usually helps"
Chase, You're done
Foreman, If you're nauseous [he brings a small metal bowl to put under Carnell's mouth]
Carnell," [waves it away] No, I'm not nauseous, I just wanted him out of here"
Chase," He's your dad, he's going to be around"
Carnell," Yeah, I know. It's not that it's..."
House, Are these people completely incapable of telling the truth to each other?
Chase, He went to Jamaica with his friends.
House, [sighs] No wonder he lied. Parkldren aren't supposed to have good times.
Foreman," One of his friends flew them down. Carnell's dad has this thing about him accepting stuff from rich friends. Wants him to remember who he is, where he came from."
House, Where have you been?
Cameron, Making dinner plans. What's up?
House, The boys have uncovered the shocking fact that the Patient has a crappy relationship with his dad.
Cameron, They seem to actually care
House, Well I don't. There's only one reason any kid with a plane flies to Jamaica.
Foreman, It wasn't for marijuana. He doesn't do anything but drink
House, He say that to you or his pops?
Cameron, Tox screen was negative for THC
House," [thoughtful] Spring break was over a month ago, Even pot would have washed out by now"
Foreman," Even if he'd smoked, no way marijuana causes transverse myelitis"
House, True. But the stuff they put on it does.
Chase, Pesticides.
Foreman, Why would he come clean about the trip but lie about smoking pot?
Chase, Well you wouldn't necessarily have to smoke to get pesticide poisoning. He could have eaten fruit that had been sprayed or been exposed to his skin on a hike.
House, Or he could have smoked it. A lot of it. And then lied about it because that's what this family does. Start him on IV of pralidoxime. 2 grams per litre and then 1 gram Every eight hours until you see some improvement.
Foreman, You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.
House, Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.
House," Cameron, who were you making dinner plans with?"
Cameron, [looking very innocent] No one. [House doesn't look convinced]
House, You bastard! [Wilson turns around and sees House] You invited my parents to dinner.
Wilson, Geez Cameron's got a big mouth!
House, Hah! Not as big as yours!
Wilson, Hey! You used me to avoid seeing your parents.
House, Well what do you care?
Wilson," I don't, I just thought it might be interesting to find out why."
House, You could have just asked.
Wilson, You would have lied!
House, And you would have beliEved me! Which would have kept us both happy. [Wilson looks utterly confused] You want your money back? Is this what this is about?
Wilson," No! [pause] Wait, what... have you got the money?"
Wilson, If you have the money then why did you need the loan?
House, I didn't. [takes out his chequebook and starts writing a cheque] Just wanted to see if you could give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts Ever since you lent me 40 dollars a year ago. A little experiment to see where you draw the line.
Wilson, [dumbfounded] You're [splutters] you're trying to... objectively measure how much I value our friendship?!
House," Hey, it's 5 grand. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. [tears the cheque out of his chequebook] So what do you say? One little phone call and one big cheque?"
Wilson," [takes the cheque and puts it in his wallet] Fine. Thanks. Now, be a grown-up and either tell mommy and daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at 7 for dinner [gets into his car]"
House, [shocked] What do you mean? You just said that--
Wilson," I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts Ever since I told you you looked good unshaved, a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, see where you draw the line [closes the car door and starts his car up]"
Cuddy, How's the Patient?
Foreman, Haven't been in yet today.
Cuddy, As long as he hasn't gotten any worse. We're treating him for pesticide poisoning without any proof it was pesticides. I'm going to have hell of a time explaining that to our Lawyer.
Foreman, I told House not to--
Cuddy, Wow!
Foreman, [aside to Cuddy] Lawyer's not going to beliEve this.
Ken, [laughing] He's got his appetite back! WhatEver you did is working.
House," He's healthy, so all is forgiven. Now I'm feeling nauseous."
Cuddy, [looking at Carnell's files] He is not healthy. Nausea and diarrhoea were not his only symptoms!
House, The shocks have also decreased
Cuddy, But not disappeared.
House," And he's out of the diaper, which is good news for Everyone."
Cuddy, What about his low white count?
House," The little buggers need time to grow. Don't worry, our wrestling Rastafarian will be back on his feet and sneaking around behind pap's back again in no time. [the phone in his office starts ringing, House picks it up] Yeah. [pause] Check it again. I'll be right there. [puts down the phone]"
Cuddy, What happened?
House, Apparently I can save money by switParkng to another long-distance carrier.
Cuddy," Oh I was right, wasn't I?"
House," Oh yeah, it's always about you isn't it?"
Cameron, He has the Parklls and his temperature's spiking. It's nearly 106
Ken, What's that mean? I mean... what's happening?
House, You want the truth? Or you want me to make something up to protect you? We think a drunk driver broke into his room.
Ken, [angry] What's happening to my son!
House, The truth is... I have no idea.
House, There's the fEver that Cameron was looking for
Cameron," We knew if it was myelitis there had to be an ""itis"". This must be the infection that set it off."
House," Yeah, except in this universe, effect follows cause. I've complained about it, but--"
Cameron, Maybe the tests were wrong
House," No, the tests were right. Yesterday he had no fEver, no infection."
Chase, So he just happened to catch a bug while he was here? That's all this is?
House," Yeah. Because his white blood cell count was down he was vulnerable, because it's really down it might kill him. That's ALL this is. Is he still pooping his pants?"
Chase, He just started again.
House, Again?
Chase, It stopped when he was getting better.
House," He was feeling better, he was nEver getting better."
Foreman," So, all we have to answer is what causes a 22-year-old kid to become immuno-compromised with GI involvement AND shocks."
Chase, And to stop and start for no apparent reason.
Cameron, And we need to find an answer before this infection kills him.
House," That would be the ideal. You [points to Chase] intravenous broad spectrum antibiotics. You [points to Foreman] get a cervical thoracic and lumbar T2-weighted fast spin echo MRIs, and you [points to Cameron] track down all those RiParke Riches who went to Jamaica. See if any of them have got the shocks, the trots or the hots. Hots is the... fEver"
Cameron, You guys going to join us for dinner Thursday?
Chase, Umm... got to do my laundry.
Cameron, You're not curious?
Chase, I'm curious about crocs but I don't stick my head in their mouths
Foreman," I'm out too. What? House is a freak! There's no virus that causes that, no DNA mutation. You're going to have one dinner with two people, sixty minutes. Most of it spent chewing and talking about the weather. Unless they say something like ""do you prefer the chardonnay or the merlot? And oh, we kept Greg locked in the closet for 17 years"" [Cameron laughs, Chase smiles], you're not going to learn anything."
Cameron, Okay.
Cameron," We'd like to talk to some of your friends, see if they have any similar symptoms"
Ken, The doctors in the ER already asked me that.
Cameron," We understand, but they didn't have all the information that we have now."
Ken, What kind of information?
Cameron, Would you mind if I spoke with Carnell alone for a minute?
Ken, Is this bad news?
Cameron, No. It's just confidential.
Ken," Why is something suddenly confidential? I mean, if you know something about my son, I need to know what's going on."
Cameron," I'm sorry, I have to insist."
Ken," I'm his father. And if I'm going to take care of him, I need to know the truth."
Carnell, Dad... she wants to know who I went to Jamaica with.
Ken, You've nEver been to Jamaica!
Carnell, Taddy's dad flew a bunch of us down over Spring break.
Ken, You told me you had two papers to write over the break.
Carnell, 'Cause I didn't want to come home and work my ass off. I wanted an actual break. Don't want to break for once. I shouldn't have lied to you.
Ken," No, what you should have done is come home instead of partying with your rich friends."
Cameron," I'm sorry, we need those names."
Cuddy, What do you want?
House," To apologise. [Cuddy smiles, not trusting House one bit] I realise that my attention to the clinic has been somewhat lax of late and I want to make amends. How about tomorrow night, I take the night shift?"
Cuddy, The clinic's closed at night
House," Yeah but I'm sure there's plenty of things to be done, there's charts to be reviewed, supplies inventoried--"
Cuddy, Dinners avoided?
House, You're going too?
Cuddy, I love their Cobb salad.
House," Give me a reason to get out of this, and I'll tell you who started the rumour about you being a transsexual."
Cuddy, There is no such rumour.
House," There will be, unless you get me out of this dinner."
Cuddy," No one's making you do this, House, just do what Everybody else does, lie to them."
House, You lie to your mother?
Cuddy, Only since I was twelve!
House," My mom's a huMan polygraph. My dad should be taking her to Vegas, not the Louvre."
Cuddy," Trust me, your mom would much rather think you have a business meeting than you hate her."
House, I don't hate her. I hate him.
Taddy," We all had headaches, nausea, vomiting. You know, we figured it was connected to the massive amounts of drinking. What, you think what happened to Carnell had something to do with the trip?"
Cameron," Don't know, you haven't had any unexplained pain or strange feelings since you got back?"
Taddy," Nope, except for a little Athlete's foot I'm fine."
Cameron, Can I see it?
Taddy, See what?
Cameron, Your feet. There's a common parasite in Jamaica that can resemble foot fungus.
Taddy," [uncomfortable] It's not really my feet. You know, I figured fungus is fungus. It's my groin."
Cameron, I'm going to need to take a look at that.
Taddy, Now?
Cameron, Unless you want to come down to the hospital with me.
Taddy," No, no, I can't. I mean, I just started two days ago, we're right in the middle of a big mer--"
Cameron, Then drop your pants.
Older guy, Riley I need the-- What the hell's going on here?
Taddy, She's a doctor!
Cameron," I'm a doctor, he has a rash and a friend of his is--"
Older guy," Right, well, as soon as she's done treating your rash, I need the numbers on deport technology."
Taddy, Yes sir.
Older guy, And err... doctor why don't you leave a card on your way out?
Cameron," Except for one guy with a rash, no one else on the trip has any health issues."
Wilson, What kind of rash?
Cameron," I don't know. I took some scrapings, it doesn't appear to be ringworm."
House, What did it look like? Aside from not ringworm.
Cameron," Basically like diaper rash. He's been working around the clock, said he hasn't changed his clothes in three days."
Chase, Kaposi's sarcoma could look like diaper rash.
Wilson, Any discolouration around the edges?
House," Get him in here, we all want to take a look."
Foreman, Even if it is Kaposi's it's not related. Our Patient doesn't have any skin symptoms and we've already ruled out cancer.
House," What are the odds of two friends who've just returned from a trip outside the country coming down with unexplained, but unrelated illnesses? Get him in here."
Cameron," He won't come. Just started a new job after graduation, they're working on some big merger."
House, Tell him his friend's life hangs in the balance.
Cameron, That's what I told him the first time. Still wound up driving into Manhattan.
House, Tell him his life hangs in the balance. Tell him the rash is flesh-eating and the next course in the menu is his frank and beans.
Cameron, Where's Stacy?
Cuddy," Err... speaking at a Conference in Baltimore, why what do you need?"
Cameron, Can I ask an opinion on a Patient? House wants me to lie to the kid to get him in here.
Cuddy, Well then you'll be the one getting the subpoena.
Cameron, Well we do need to diagnosis his friend.
Cuddy, Take the test to the kid.
Cameron," There is no test, House just wants to look at it."
Cuddy," Then take House to ""it""."
Cameron," Yeah, like that's going to happen."
Cuddy, Tell House his parents called. Said they were coming in early. He'll go anywhere just to avoid them [walks into her office]
Cameron, So it's ok to lie to House but not to a Patient.
Cuddy, [smug] Yep!
Foreman, What's wrong?
Ken, His stomach's getting a lot worse
Chase, It's rigid! [CGI of Carnell's intestines] He's bleeding into his abdomen.
Cameron, [rushing in] What's going on?
Foreman," We need a surgeon and an OR, stat!"
Cameron, On it! [picks up the phone by the bedside]
Ken," Try to hang in there, Carnell"
Chase, The infection caused a perforation in his sigmoid colon. It's repairable.
Foreman, But it means the antibiotics aren't working.
House, Double the dose. And add tygacil to the list.
Foreman, Soon as he's out of surgery.
House, Where's RiParke Rich?
Cameron, He said he can't leave work.
House," Yeah, you told me that two hours ago."
Cameron, I'm not going to lie.
House," Why, 'cause it's wrong? Or because you're a coward?"
Cameron," Hmm, tough choice."
House," You've been wasting 2 hours of the kid's time. Is that deeply and unforgivably morally wrong? No. Because it's not a waste of his time. Unless we're wrong, unless his condition has got nothing to do with his friend's. You're just afraid of being wrong."
Cameron, Your parents called. [House looks a little stunned] They had to catch an earli--
Cuddy," [suddenly walks in] You don't have to lie to him, kid's on his way here."
Cameron, He got off work?
Cuddy," Yeah, by vomiting blood. Ambulance is 10 minutes out."
House, You Taddy?
Taddy, What?
House, Love the name. If I Ever have a dog... take off his pants.
Taddy, [to Cameron] Hey.
House," Don't talk to her, listen to me"
Paramedic," He's vomited in excess of 3 units of blood, he needs to be admitted before--"
House," You wanted to be a doctor, maybe you should have buckled down a little more in high school [takes a pair of scissors and starts cutting up Taddy's pants]"
Paramedic, Bite me.
Taddy, What are you doing?
House, Exactly how close were you and Carnell?
Taddy, Not so close.
House, Spend a lot of time together in Jamaica? Share a room?
Taddy," Wait, you don't think... look, we're not gay."
House," Not saying you're gay, I'm saying you had sex. [tears the pants open and starts inspecting the rash near Taddy's groin. Fortunately, Taddy's still got his briefs on]"
Taddy," Look we're not gay, we hardly Even hung out."
House," Right, so you just flew him down to Jamaica because he won a contest."
Taddy," No he's in my frat, all right? Between school and wrestling, and going home Every break to work in his father's junkyard, Carnell didn't have any time to hang out with anybody."
House, It's not fungus.
Cameron, I already told you that.
House," There's no pustules, it's not Staph... [suddenly looks up at Taddy] His dad's what?"
Taddy, His dad owns a scrap metal salvage yard. Carnell worked there during breaks.
House, You lied.
Ken, What are you talking about?
House," Oh, yeah, pRoblems with this family, pRobably need more specifics. You told us you owned a construction company, not a salvage yard."
Ken," I know the way things work, the better my job, the better my son gets treated."
House, Right. That's why I'm mad. 'Cause we wasted all that filet mignon on you. Did your kid find anything unusual the last time he worked for you?
Ken, No.
House," Braided wire, metal weights, lead canister, maybe just a lid. PRobably used it as a door stop or paperweight."
Ken," Why would he want to-- [stops mid sentence, long pause]"
House," Okay, here it comes"
Ken," I gave him an early graduation gift, old plumb I found. Looks like a fishing weight. Put it on a keychain so he'd always remember where he came from."
House, So he can lie about it later. Where's the keychain?
Ken," I don't know. He nEver used it, just kept it as a good luck charm."
House, Kept it where?
Ken, I don't know! Why? Why does it matter?
House, Where are the kid's clothes?
Cameron, In the bureau back in his regular room?
House, [gestures at Chase and Foreman] You two get it to radiology.
Foreman, His clothes?
House," The bureau. Don't open it. [they rush off, he turns to Cameron] You come with me."
House," Set it down there. Now get out of here, this thing is radioactive. [he takes a Geiger counter out of the small box and turns it on. Chase runs out]"
Foreman, The chances of radiation causing CNS symptoms?
Foreman, Whoa.
House, Call the boys in the lead pyjamas. [Foreman runs out]
Foreman, The measurements weren't high enough to cause Central Nervous System damage.
Chase," It might not have caused nerve damage, but it definitely destroyed his immune system."
House, And caused tumours.
Cameron, We don't know that. None of the MRIs showed anything.
House, Do a PET scan. Check his cervical spine. It's not going to be good news.
Foreman, Mr Hall... it's not good news.
Foreman, The piece of metal that you gave Carnell was from an industrial device used to test welds. People aren't supposed to just dump radioactive material...
Ken," But they do. [sighs] So what now? I mean, what do you do?"
Foreman, Anyone who's had contact with the source will have to immediately get treatment for radiation sickness. Taddy carried it on his lap on the flight--
Ken, So there is a treatment?
Foreman," Transfusions. And then we try to get the fluids and electrolytes balanced. Carnell... he's had much more exposure. The equivalent of about 70,000 chest X-rays. His ability to create white blood cells has been completely destroyed."
Ken, That's why he... he... can't fight off this infection?
Foreman," He's going to need a bone marrow transplant. And we did a... we did another PET scan. There's a cavernous angioma within his spinal cord, it's a tumour. That's what's been causing the shocks and CNS symptoms."
Ken, [looks like he's about on the edge of breaking down but only just Managing to keep himself together] He has a tumour inside of his spinal cord?
Foreman," Yeah. The cord is... is made of strands put together. Sort of like a kite string. The surgeon should be able to pull the strands apart and excise the tumour, but surgery on someone who is as hemopoetically compromised as your son is... it's extremely risky."
Ken," [with tears in his eyes, his voice raw from keeping the tears back] And uh... if you don't do this surgery... I mean..."
Foreman," The tumour could cause his breathing to stop. Possibly his heart as well. There's no way you could have known. [Foreman watches Ken trying to deal with his emotions while Cameron and Chase start moving Carnell's bed to take him to another room] You're going to have to come with us, you need to start treatment yourself."
Ken," No, no no no, I can start my treatment later..."
Foreman, But he can't. He needs to be in a sterile isolation room to prEvent further infections.
House, Mom.
Mom, We're early.
House, [gets up and hugs her] It's great to see you.
Mom," [teases him] Oh Greg, don't lie."
Mom," We came at a bad time, didn't we?"
House," Actually, yeah. I uh... I have to take a rain check."
Dad," Aww, plans have been made. Wilson made 'em."
House," I asked him to cancel. I'm dealing with kind of a compliCated case right now, so..."
Dad," Well, we'll just come back when things aren't so out of control."
House, My team is busy.
Mom, You don't want to see us?
House," Mom, don't make me feel guilty."
Mom," No no, of course not! Sorry."
House, I've got a Patient who's pRobably going to die of radiation poisoning.
Dad," So that means you can't eat? Come on, let's grab a bite in the cafeteria."
Mom, I'll buy you a ruben.
House, Well I guess I've got time for a sandwich.
Mom, [smiles] Good!
House, Yeah?
Cameron, I just wanted to let you know that Carnell's prepped for surgery.
House, Thank you.
Cameron," Hi, I'm Cameron. I work with your son."
Dad, Greg's told us all about you.
Cameron, Really?
Dad," New, huh?"
House, Nope. Just gullible.
Dad," I'm sorry, I was just making fun of my son, not of you."
Mom," We're just about to go get something to eat, would you care to join us?"
Cameron, You don't have a lot of time with your son. Maybe another time. [Cameron leaves]
Surgeon, Do you like the Beatles?
Chase, They're all right.
Surgeon, My 12-year-old just turned me back on to them. McCartney's got to have more money than God.
Surgeon, Think that's all of it. REverse him. How's he doing?
Chase, Looks pretty good down here.
Surgeon, Do I rock or what?
Nurse, His pressure's dropping!
Surgeon, Give him another two units.
Nurse, I did already!
Chase," His heart rate's falling, he's haemorrhaging."
Foreman," They're talking about mom's last trip to the dentist. Grown Parkldren talking to their parents, nothing gets talked about. Trust me, you're not missing anything."
Dad," So, besides work, what you been up to?"
House, Not much.
Dad, You always say that. Not much.
House, It's always the answer.
Dad, Any new babes you might want to tell me about?
Mom," Leave him alone, John."
House," Got a new motorcycle. Might have seen it out front, it's orange with a gigantic scrape."
Dad, Is it the one in the handicap Parking?
House," Yeah. Looks like crap, but it drives great."
Mom," You'll be careful, right? [House nods]"
Dad," Last I checked, you still have two legs."
House," Actually, three [holds up his cane]"
Dad," [doesn't look amused] You know what your pRoblem is, Greg?"
House, Shifting gears?
Dad, You just don't know how lucky you are.
Dad, Where's the head?
House," [turns to his mother] Well, good thing we got that cleared up"
Mom, Oh he was just trying to help.
House, I don't need help.
Mom, I know. You're absolutely perfect just the way you are.
Ken, Thank you. So how much longer do you think he'll be in surgery?
Wilson, It's hard to say.
Ken," Hmm [nods, then starts to laugh]. You know he just started school when Anne died? I was a mess. Still adjusting to being a parent, much less a single parent. You know I used to put cold pancakes in his lunchbox [chuckles]. I mean, that was the only thing that I could make that he would eat."
Wilson," You did ok, he's a good kid."
Ken, Hey. So... how is he?
Chase," Well, the surgeon has removed the tumour without damaging the spinal cord, but the infection has caused another intestinal perforation. We stopped the bleeding, but his white count keeps falling."
Ken," Okay.. um... so what now? Another drug? Antibiotics? What? [he looks towards Wilson who doesn't answer, then looks back at Chase]"
Chase," I'm sorry. The reality is, no matter what we give him, it's unlikely he's going to be able to fight off the infections."
Ken," Okay, okay."
Cameron, The father and the friend are responding well to treatment. Things aren't looking so good for Carnell.
House, [sprawled out on an arm chair and one leg on a foot rest] Thank you. For not eating. [He gives her a look that looks thankful but also uncomfortable with the situation]
Cameron, It was none of my business.
House," [nods] They seem perfectly pleasant don't they? They are. He was a marine pilot. She was a Housewife. Married 47 years. They had one Parkld. Mom was just like Everyone else, nice enough, no great sense of humour, hates confrontation. My dad's just like you. Not the caring 'til your eyes pop out part, just the insane moral compass that won't let you lie to anybody about anything. It's a great quality for boy scouts and police witnesses. Crappy quality for a dad."
Ken," Hey, how're you doing?"
Carnell, I'm hanging in there.
Ken, [sighs] I'm sorry I lied to you about mom.
Carnell, I'm sorry I lied to you too.
Ken, There was nothing good that came out of her dying.
Carnell," I'm not mad. I know why you did it, it worked. I nEver drink and drive."
Carnell," I'm scared, dad."
Ken," Come on, there's nothing to be scared of. You're going to be just fine."
Carnell, Don't play me. I want to know the truth.
Ken, I'm telling you the truth. You're going to be fine. I swear.
Carnell," I love you, dad."
Ken, I love you too.
Cameron," Why does he hate seeing his parents? So his dad tells the truth, he can't handle that?"
Wilson, He hates being a disappointment.
Cameron," He's a doctor, world famous! How disappointed can they be?"
Wilson, You know what I figure is worse than watParkng your son become crippled? WatParkng him be miserable.
Announcer," As the riders begin lap 2, Jeff Forster is leading the pack."
Mom, Wait up kids!
Mom, Did you bring his inhaler?
Dad," Oh crap, it's in the car. I'll go get it."
Mom, Are you ok? Your dad's going to be right--
Mom," Honey, you're wheezing!"
House, Yeah!
Stacy, We need to talk.
House, Oh god. Are you pregnant? 'Cause I really want to finish high school
Stacy, You have to renew your credentials!
House, They're good for two more months
Stacy," Three weeks. The paperwork takes forEver. Your application, your malpractice insurance, criminal records check - you know that's going to take some explaining"
House, You know; our relationship was way better when we were sleeping together. Why'd we stop doing that? Did you get married?
Stacy, Yeah! Otherwise I'd be on you like red on rice
House, Rice isn't r� Oh I get it!
Stacy, You're also behind on your dictations
House," I don't do dictations. Cameron does them, or somebody."
Stacy, You can't have your sole female employee doing your clerical work which you'd know if you'd attended the required sexual harassment seminars. Then I'm going to pause so you can make a crack about harassment.
House, Joke killer
Cuddy," House, got a Patient"
House," [sighs] Sorry, can't play anymore, my mom's calling me [walks out of his office]"
Cuddy, We just admitted a world class cyclist
House, You've got to fire Stacy
Cuddy," Yeah I'll get right on that [deadpan]. Jeff Forster, respiratory arrest at 30 miles per hour."
House, She's loading me up with pointless paperwork
Cuddy, Didn't know you were behind on your pointless paperwork. O2 stats are in the--
House," She's hostile. You know me, hostility makes me shrink up like a... can't think of a non-sexual metaphor. She's going to stand over my desk with a ruler checking my spelling!"
Cuddy," ER checked for lung infiltrates, nothing there"
House," Professional athletes, Cuddy! It's like watParkng an old movie at 2am, re-living all the classic moments. Part where he denies it's drugs, part where the good guys ride in, tests a-blazing, prove that it IS drugs. Oscar clip, he can't imagine how that got into his body! So familiar, so comforting. [Points back at his office where Stacy still is] She can't handle working with me"
Cuddy," Oh right, yeah, she's still got a thing for you, making it impossible for her to deal, makes perfect sense. Except for the pronouns!"
House," Anyway, thanks for getting me out of that meeting. [Starts to walk away]"
Cuddy, He's not denying the drugs.
Cuddy, I'm thinking he's actually sick.
Cuddy," Jeff Forster, this is Dr--"
House," I'm a doctor, you're a sick person. [Looks at the Manager] And you are a loved one"
Manager," Actually, Manager. We've been together for sEven years [sticks her hand out to shake House's. House looks away and ignores the gesture]"
House, So what's the drug du jour on the bike circuit these days? Still erythropoietin? Or are you guys just chugging battery acid?
Jeff, [Wheezing as he speaks] There's no way I'd touch EPO. Too Many guys stroking out and dying.
House," Damn! [Looks at Cuddy] Ten bucks for the tickets, six for the popcorn"
Jeff, I do straight blood doping.
Cuddy, Plot twist!
House, That's a very daring confession
Manager," We've got confidentiality, right?"
House, Assuming I'm more ethical than your client.
House," So, injecting yourself with donor red blood cells for fun and profit. Any other tricks up your sleEve?"
Jeff," Well, nothing much recently. I'm in town for a charity ride so it didn't matter if I won. The kids just needed to see me."
House, So you go slower they see you longer. Let's say that our health could be affected by things we did before last Friday.
Jeff," Well... umm, I usually sleep in a hyperbaric chAmber. I've been pumping up electrolytes with an IV drip and herbal supplements, amphetamines, and diuretics"
House," Yeah yeah yeah yeah, but why would you be sick?"
Jeff," I know that doping has risks, I know that it's outside the rules, but I do what I have to to kick ass at my job. Don't you?"
Cuddy, Dr House is a firm beliEver in good old-fashioned hard work.
House," This guy doesn't Even get sick like a regular person. Instead of a list of symptoms and no cause, we have a list of possible causes for one symptom"
Chase, Is the symptom death?
House," Respiratory distress. And insanity doesn't cause it, I looked it up."
Foreman," It's the doping. Injecting extra red cells boosts your endurance lEvel, but it also thickens your blood. Thick blood equals clots equals respiratory distress"
House, Not with a clean spiral chest CT
Cameron, Guy's sleeping in a hyperbaric chAmber. Over-oxygenation can cause cell damage and if the cells in the lungs are damaged--
House, That'd cause pulmonary oedema which he doesn't have
Chase, Supplements he's been taking contain yojimbo which can cause nerve paralysis
House," Tox screen was normal. All the tests were normal. There's no clot, no oedema, and yet he still can't breathe, so there's something in here that we can't see."
Foreman, Oh! Air.
House, Come to papa!
Foreman, This guy's been injecting himself how Many times a day? All it'd take is one slip of the needle to cause an air embolus.
House," The air is keeping him from breathing air. Let's go with that for the irony. Get a VQ scan, check his veins for bubbles."
Foreman," Xenon 133, it's just radioactive enough for us to track the air movement through your lungs"
Jeff, My accident on the news?
Foreman," Yeah, you made page of the week"
Jeff, Few more hours and cycling would be as popular as NASCAR
Foreman," We inject similar stuff into your blood so we can watch it circulate. Now, if you accidentally injected a bubble, we'll see you get air flow, but poor blood flow."
Jeff, I'm careful Man
Foreman," With all due respect, Man, I doubt there's anything wrong with you that you didn't do to yourself"
Cameron," There's this kid in oncology, she's got a picture of Jeff above her bed."
Chase, Mickey Mantle was an alcoholic
Cameron, At least he hit his own home runs. He didn't physically alter himself.
Chase," We take drugs to help us fall asleep, stay awake--"
Cameron, We don't make careers out of who can stay awake the longest!
Chase," Really? Ever been to oh, I don't know, med school?"
Foreman," Er, guys? He plays a game for a living. Who cares? [Looks at Cameron] And you, you don't Even like sports!"
Cameron, He's making millions of dollars ripping off fans
Foreman, Anyone who thinks they should pay a guy money because he can throw a ball really far or pedal really fast deserves to be ripped off
Cameron," Yeah, stupid stupid kids"
Foreman," I've got an uncle, he can spit a cherry pit 50 yards. He's working part time at a lube shop! Life isn't fair!"
Cameron, Maybe it is.
Chase, You were right.
House, Now there were 3 wasted words.
Chase, There is a bubble in his lung. We should do a Swan-Ganz catheterisation.
House," I love when you do both sides of the conversation. It's like white noise, it's very peaceful."
Wilson, Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?
House," Green for food, orange for bEverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out Every 2 weeks."
Wilson, How's your biker?
House, Pumped an air bubble into a vein in his lung.
Wilson," The things people do. Doping, Vicodin... [Pointed look]"
House, Hey! You're talking about me aren't you?
House, I'm just trying to function. He's trying to win himself some little yellow jerseys. [The cafeteria door opens to admit Stacy wheeling Mark in on a wheelchair] Uh oh.
Wilson, What?
House," [rubs his forehead] Trouble in paradise, 2 o' clock"
Wilson, Your 2 o' clock or my 2 o' clock?
House, [points] there.
Wilson, She looks perfectly happy. Obviously they huddled in the hall and worked up this circus act on the off-chance you'd be in here
House, She was unbelievably pissy 3 hours ago
Wilson," Hmm! Pissy with you, happy with her husband. Yes there could only be one possible explanation"
House," When she's angry, she gets sarcastic. When she's annoyed, she's funny, but when she's frustrated, she gets pissy"
Wilson," Yes, yes, I'm with you so far"
House," She's miserable with Mark because he's not me. So she's gotta make me not me, so she makes my professional life miserable, if I can't do my job--"
Wilson," You really, really, need to get some--"
House," Oh I get some ""some"" all the time, I always need to borrow ""some"" money"
Stacy," Hi James, Greg. Gotten to that paperwork?"
House, I've been pissy.
Stacy, Pardon me?
House," I've been busy. [Picks up Mark's fork and deliberately eats some of Mark's food off his plate] When you save someone's life, they owe you forEver."
Mark," You're right. Take Stacy. Oh wait, she'd pRobably just leave you all over again."
House, How's your recovery going? Gotten around to the small muscles yet?
Mark," It's not the size of the muscle, it's where you get to put it."
Stacy," My goodness, it's like watParkng Oscar Wilde and Noel Coward in the third grade. Excuse us [wheels Mark away to another table, but not before House and Mark give each other fake smiles]"
House, [turns back to Wilson] How awkward was that? [Wilson gives him an annoyed but knowing look] What's he doing here anyway? He's got physio Tuesdays and Fridays.
Wilson," Er, Mark is in group therapy for people coping with disability. He was thinking about dEveloping a drug addiction but that would be stupid."
House, Hey! Your [stutters a little in exaggerated excitement] you again!
Wilson, Not going to make some joke about Mark being in therapy?
House, What's there to say? It's only the responsible thing. I'm sure he's got a lot to deal with
Wilson, [looking rather thoughtful and suspicious] You're making me nervous
Manager," [on the phone] Everytime an athlete goes down you guys assume it's drugs. Look, the doctors say it's pRobably acid reflux. [Jeff and Chase share a look at her lie] Yeah, look, call me tomorrow, there's a good chance he'll be released. Okay, bye bye [to Chase] so is this fixing him?"
Chase," If his acid reflux isn't worse than we thought, yeah"
Jeff, I got to be in Spain in 4 days
Chase, Shouldn't be a pRoblem
Manager, Great
Chase," If I can just find the little bugger, should be able to suck it out"
Jeff, My legs feel weak
Chase," You're under mild sedation for the test, it'll wear off [there's a blip on the screen] there it is"
Chase," Ah, got it."
Manager," Ooh, fantastic! I'll pack his things."
Chase," Not yet, I want to monitor him for a couple of hours, make sure he's ok. Give him time to sign a picture for me, maybe Even a jersey?"
Jeff," To Dr Chase, I owe you Everything?"
Chase," Er, it doesn't have to be that personal."
Jeff," Ah, not too Many Ebay shoppers named Dr Chase huh?"
Chase, Still trying to unload the Barbara Walter spit cup.
Manager, Here you go [hands Jeff a picture of Jeff winning a race and a pen. Jeff pauses as he starts to write on it]
Chase," Seriously, anything's fine."
Manager, Jeff?
Chase, You all right? Jeff! Can you swallow?
House," What makes a guy start drooling? Chase, were you wearing your short shorts?"
Chase, Muscle fatigue in his neck and jaw. He's obviously got something worse than an air embolus.
House, Why?
Chase, Because... you don't drool from your lungs?
House," Maybe the pRoblem is not the embolus itself. Maybe it's the treatment. Maybe you hit a nerve, literally."
Chase," The embolectomy was clean. His legs were tired too. I thought it was from the sedation but if not, means he's got something systemic."
Cameron, Which means it would have nothing to do with the stunts he's been pulling
Chase," Lupus, or polymyocitis. It explains the progressive muscle weakness"
Cameron, It could be ALS
Foreman, He's too young for that
Cameron, Some type of muscular dystrophy?
Foreman, He's too old for that
House," So what would be just right, Goldilocks? Full blood workup, including ANA for lupus. And get a muscle biopsy; find out if we're talking myopathy or neuropathy. I'm late for my session [gets up and walks out]"
Cameron, Session?
Dr Harper," [talking to the group] It's all a part of the process. You get angry, and then you get--"
Mark," [interrupting] Yeah, right on schedule. So, when am I going to be done? I need to know 'cause I got plans to make. When can I safely book a game of squash? When am I going to stop being angry?"
House," Not today. I've come for the healing. Dr Harper, as you know, I err, I have a bum leg. What you don't know is, I'm upset about it. I need to talk."
Mark, You know House! You know we have a history!
House, You've been telling me for years that I should come by. Here I am. [to the group] Hi guys
Dr Harper, Got a Thursday group.
House, Poker night.
Dr Harper, Monday morning?
House," Book club. Well look, if it's a pRoblem, I'll just go deal with my rage privately."
Dr Harper," Wait. If you two could resolve this tension, you could really help each other."
House, [nods thoughtfully] I'm tired of fighting.
Mark, [laughs] What? So either I say yes or I'm the jerk?
House," Oh god, I know that feeling."
Cameron, I took the muscle specimen from Jeff's thigh. Figured that's where we'd have the best chance of finding something.
Chase, The most painful place to cut into.
Chase, I assume that's caffeine-free. Wouldn't want to be artificially boosting your perforMance.
Foreman," Oh, don't start her up again."
Cameron, Caffeine's legal.
Chase," All about the rules, eh?"
Cameron," It's a bike race. A completely arbitrary set of rules that Everyone complies with, for no other reason than that some committee says that they should."
Chase, Huh.
Cameron, But that's the point. That's what the game is.
Foreman," So if you break an arbitrary rule, Cameron damns you to hell, but if you break a rule that actually has a reason that's designed to protect people, Cameron dEvelops a crazy crush on you."
Cameron," House doesn't pretend to be some golden boy, he does it to help people, not to glorify himself."
Foreman, So why don't you report Jeff to the biking authorities?
Cameron," Umm, ethics."
Foreman," Well you wouldn't be doing it to glorify yourself, you'd just be trying to make a better world."
Mark, At least you can still get around on your own.
House," Yeah I know, but you're starting to walk. You're going to get better."
Mark," You have a job, a way to be productive."
House," You have a wife, which gives greater meaning. Wife could make things harder too I suppose."
Mark, This isn't about Stacy.
House," When it happened to me, Stacy was great. She kept telling me not to rush it. I nEver beliEved her."
Mark, She means it.
House," I know, but... Stacy... She shouldn't have to wait, right? And you know she feels it too. Needs more time at work, needs more satisfaction from work. She didn't get married to be a nursemaid. She wants a Man."
Mark, [laughs softly as he finally realises what House is up to] How the hell could she have loved a Manipulative son of a bitch like you?
House, That's an interesting question. Maybe she was attracted to different things in the two of us.
Mark, She left you.
House, But why was she with me to begin with?
Mark, She made a mistake!
House," Maybe it's that simple. Or maybe she saw something in me, something that she doesn't get from you."
Mark, I'm not an ass!
House, Maybe she wanted an ass. She obviously did once.
Mark," Either he goes, or I go!"
House, You think that's the kind of thing you can just turn off?
Mark, Get him out of here!
Dr Harper," Dr House, cancel your book group. You're coming on Mondays."
House," Here's my new theory. The drooling is another competitive edge. Nobody can drive behind him, the road gets slick, he's the only one not racing in the rain!"
Foreman, He can barely move his arms or legs.
House, [sighs] Paralysis?
Foreman," No, just general weakness."
Cameron, Muscle biopsy is negative for polymyositis.
Chase, And ALS. And muscular dystrophy.
Foreman, ANA for lupus also negative.
Cameron, Maybe his bike shorts are just on too tight.
Chase," So, by your rationale, House shouldn't use a cane, he should just drag his bum leg around as God intended?"
Cameron, House has a handicap; all he's aiming for is normality.
Chase, And who decides what's normal? What if we find a drug that makes people live 20 years longer? Should we ban that because it's not normal?
Cameron," Jeff doesn't want normal, he wants superpowers."
House, So why is he normal?
Foreman," Oh god, you too?"
House," He's shooting for extraordinary, so why is Everything so ordinary? I mean this guy's breathing, drinking and injecting himself with Everything he can find to amp up his body chemistry, and yet Every test is normal. He's artificially raising his red blood count, so why isn't it raised?"
Chase, Maybe his count is raised; maybe what's normal for us is out of whack for him.
House, Can't slip anything by you.
Foreman," Well if that's true, then his white cells are up too, which would point to some kind of infection."
Chase," Muscle weakness, exhaustion? He could have encephalitis."
Cameron, That's kind of a long shot.
House," Yeah, but it's been over an hour since we poked the Patient with something sharp so, get a lumbar puncture. And order broad spectrum antibiotics."
Cuddy," No, it's not about judging, it's just that on a dating service, you should post a photo."
Cuddy, I have to go. [Puts down the phone]
Manager, I am so sorry to bother you.
Cuddy," No no, not a pRoblem I was just... err... accounting."
Manager," I'm Jeff Forster's Manager. He's been here a whole day, and it doesn't seem like we're any closer to a diagnosis."
Cuddy," [checks the computer] Jeff Forster... a whole day, huh?"
Manager," Uh huh, I was just wondering if I could help speed things up."
Cuddy," Your client's had a muscle biopsy, a full blood work-up, and he's scheduled for a lumbar puncture at 10am tomorrow."
Manager," Jeff is in the Lucas wing. If Mr Lucas showed up needing a lumbar puncture, would he have to wait until tomorrow?"
Cuddy, Mr Lucas is dead.
Manager," Good, then there's an opening."
Cuddy, Jeff is used to doing whatEver he has to do to be first doesn't he?
Manager," [sits down opposite Cuddy and takes a chequebook out of her briefcase] It's been very lucrative for him. He feels it's important that he give something back [signs a cheque for $50,000] I hear you've been raising funds for your nuclear medicine department [Hands cheque over to Cuddy] or whatEver."
Jeff, Thank you guys for working so late. [Still wheezing]
Foreman," Glad to be here. The lumbar puncture will tell us what kind of infection you've got. In the meantime, we're administering antibiotics."
Cameron, Do you like being a hero?
Jeff, It's a living.
Cameron, You don't feel a sense of responsibility? There's kids out there that worship you.
Jeff," When I was a rookie, on the tour, I got a letter from a guy in Wisconsin. He wanted me to send a note to his son, said he worshipped me. You know what worship means? I looked it up. It means to love, unquestioningly, and uncritically. So the kid doesn't Even know me, but he loves me. Unquestioningly, and uncritically."
Cameron, So you decided to take advantage of that?
Jeff," What should I have done? Dear Sir, I'm just a guy who rides a bike pretty good, you and your kid are out of your minds? My arm feels!feels funny..."
Foreman," His sats are dropping, he's in respiratory arrest."
Cameron," Can't be, we fixed that!"
Foreman, Apparently not [they proceed to intubate Jeff]
House," So glad we cured his respiratory arrest, freed him up to dEvelop respiratory arrest."
Foreman, LP was negative for encephalitis.
Cameron," The white count is still the same, but the red count's fallen to 29 percent."
House, What was my theory yesterday?
Chase, That I screwed up the embolectomy.
Foreman, We'll get a chest X-ray to check.
Chase, I didn't screw up--
House," Why would you be so petty, Chase? He's down a court. Either he's losing blood because you nicked something, or he's just not producing blood in which case we're talking acute anaemia combined with a muscular disorder."
Foreman, Paraneoplastic syndrome?
House," Either you screwed up, or he's got cancer."
Patient, I think I should start smoking again.
House, You want a medical opinion supporting that decision?
Patient, The symptoms started as soon as I quit.
House, Symptoms meaning [flips open the chart] diarrhoea. A lot of diarrhoea.
Patient," Ten or twelve times a day, it's really embarrassing. I'm a flight attendant, and..."
House," Well, if you're upset, my hiccups are gone."
Stacy, You went to his group.
House," Well you were the one who was all 'Greg, you need to confront your feelings'."
Stacy, [hits House across the arm again] that was 5 years ago.
House, I've been pissy.
Stacy," Fine, you don't want help; does that mean nobody should get it?"
House, Mark's looking for help because... what? He's resentful? Overwhelmed? I'm asking because I care.
Stacy," Not about him, you still want to jump me so you don't care who's married--"
House," Look, I could get my rocks off anytime I want. What I don't seem to be able to do is my job without you hanging over my shoulder."
House, How Many packs? [Turns back to the Patient]
Patient, A bit over one a day but they were lights and I quit. [Pause] You used to go out with her?
House, Yeah. What was I thinking? I'm talking about the gum you're chewing; you Ever play smoking as an oral fixation. How Many packs?
Patient," Six, maybe sEven."
Stacy, I'm trying to protect you. Cuddy and I may be the only people stopping you from jumping off a cliff just to prove that you--
House, You're pissy.
Stacy, Oh I am angry!
House, Pissy. You only get pissy when you're frustrated.
Stacy, Shut up!
House," Ok, I'm wrong."
Stacy," This is unbelievably difficult for Mark, which you should know, which you should be able to summon up some lEvel of empathy for."
House, Right. The cripple boys. We should start a band.
Stacy," I have a good thing with Mark, we are handling this the best way we know how."
House, And none of this has anything to do with me?
Stacy," No, nothing! Except that you can't, or won't just let it go! Let it go. [Walks back out slamming the door]"
House, You're being poisoned.
Patient, By gum?
House, Sugarless gum uses sorbitol as a sweetener. We use sorbitol as a laxative.
Manager, This will tell you if he's got cancer in his blood?
Wilson," If he does, we'll see abnormal cells in the marrow."
Manager, How long will the test take?
Wilson, I'll get them in as soon as I can.
Manager," And if he doesn't have cancer, what else could it be?"
Wilson, It's possible some damage was done during one of the tests we gave him.
Manager," So either one of your doctors screwed up a simple procedure, or he's got cancer."
Wilson, We can't know anything for sure until the biopsy comes back.
Wilson," It stings, I know."
Manager," No, he wants the tube out."
Wilson," Can't do that, Jeff. If you want to say something you've got to write it down, okay?"
Manager, [fetches pen and paper] Here.
Wilson," If it's cancer, it's possible. There's no way to know for sure."
Wilson, Phone not working? One of the morgue attendants asked me to bring this to you [hands her a slip of paper]
Cameron, Wonder why they're calling me.
Wilson," Yeah, me too actually. I was wondering why the Times was returning your call. You a doctor, or the bicycle police?"
Cameron, He's cheating. Shouldn't get away with it.
Wilson, [sighs] Have you actually told them anything yet?
Cameron, You worried about the precedent?
Wilson, I'm worried about you.
Cameron, You going to turn me in?
Wilson," [looks down] No. He's made a mistake, rEvealing the truth doesn't undo it."
Cameron, Kids love him and he's not who they think he is. It's not right.
Wilson," Who cares if he's what he says he is? Who the hell is? If love's based on lies, does that mean it's not a real feeling? Doesn't bring the same pleasure?"
Cameron, Are we still talking about the Patient?
Wilson," Have you... Ever cheated? Well, I have. You want to punish him, good for you; but you can't do it without punishing the people who love him."
Cameron, Is that how you justified lying to your wives?
Wilson, I always told them.
Foreman," Well, he's negative for bleeds."
House," Congratulations, Chase. It's cancer. Clean him up and let Oncology have him, it's their party now."
Wilson, [walking in] He doesn't have cancer. Biopsy shows he's got pure red cell aplasia.
Chase, There's no way PRCA could Manifest so suddenly.
Cameron, Unless it's drug-induced. He's lying about not being on EPO?
House, Why would he lie?
Cameron, What does it matter?
House," People lie for thousands of reasons, but there's always a reason."
Foreman," Philosophically interesting, medically irrelevant."
House, Unless he's not lying.
Cuddy, You've got a leak. The Press is all over the Jeff Forster story.
Stacy," On the off-chance that one of you were stupid enough to call from your own office, I'm pulling your phone records, including your cell phones."
Foreman," I assume if I point out the fact that you have no right to do that, you'll interpret that as a sign of guilt?"
House, Wilson's chatty. Plus he's got two ex-wives to support. You want me to tell him he's fired?
Stacy," Until we figure out who's behind this, I'm sitting in with you guys. You have the ethics of a four-year-old; I'm going to treat you like one."
House, How am I supposed to practice medicine with a Lawyer sitting on my shoulder?
Cuddy, Responsibly.
House, You know I can't do that!
Wilson, Cameron.
Cameron, I'm not the leak.
Stacy, Somebody once told me that Everybody lies. Since you're the only people who know he has cancer--
House, He doesn't have cancer.
Cuddy," The point is, you're his medical team. He's threatening to sue."
House, Why would Cameron leak cancer? How does cancer make the guy look bad? [Lengthy pause] He's on EPO. [Rushes out]
House," Your anaemia is caused by pure red cell aplasia. This is going to hurt, but we got to talk."
Manager, What the hell are you doing?!
House," He'll be fine. Sort of. I don't have time to watch him write out answers [he pulls out an oxygen mask and puts it over Jeff's nose and mouth] PRCA comes in two varieties, chronic and acute. Since it came on fast, you have the acute version."
Manager, He doesn't have cancer?
House," That's the good news. Bad news is, pants are on fire. Acute PRCA is caused by drugs, most commonly, EPO. Ready, and... action! [he pulls the gas mask off]"
Jeff, I haven't used EPO.
House," [puts the gas mask back on] Ok, this time, more anger! Remember, this guy's accusing you of cheating. [Takes the gas mask off again]"
Jeff, I haven't used that stuff.
House," Oh [kisses his fingertips] mwah, I beliEved it. It was simple, it was pure. Did you beliEve it? [Takes the gas mask off] I guess it's silly to cancel someone over the first audition. Why don't you do a reading?"
Manager, [Snatches the mask out of House's hands and gives it back to Jeff] Give me that! He doesn't do EPO!
House," Hmm...what do you think? That was a different way to go but, I don't know, I just didn't buy it. Does she handle any of your injections?"
Manager, You think I'm giving it to him? Test him!
House," Gee, that's a great idea. I sure hope that EPO's not one of those drugs that's undetectable after six hours. Hey you know what we can test for? Phone calls. Take her cell phone, push the redial button, Even money says it'll be connected to the newspaper that leaked your cancer story [Manager glares at him] Okay... [He reaches over to grab the phone at the foot of the bed but she grabs it first]"
Manager," Okay, I should have told you. It's not just about the races, Jeff, it's about your image, okay? If you come back from cancer, those sponsors will be all over you. Okay so I messed up, okay, but I did NOT give you EPO!"
Jeff, That stuff could kill me.
House," [scoffs at them by mimicking Jeff] Come on, give her a break. She's only doing what she has to to advance her career. Don't you have that tattooed on your tushie?"
Manager, I would nEver do anything to hurt you.
House, Who're you going to beliEve? Manager you've trusted for years? [Snorts] I've been to college
Jeff, [takes off the mask] You're fired.
Manager," Okay. [Takes her stuff and looks back at House] You're basing this whole diagnosis, Everything, on the idea that I was slipping him illegal drugs? You're going to kill him."
Jeff," If Dr House is so sure, why do you need to stay?"
Foreman," He's a very cautious Man. Your breathing's better, let the prednisone do its job, get some sleep."
Foreman," His red blood cell count plummeted to 16 percent. He passed out, had to be rescusitated and still can't move his legs."
Cameron, It's not possible. The drugs should be flushing out of his system.
House, Can't leave if they don't exist.
Cameron," But EPO use explains Every one of his symptoms. He's been lying and cheating, and now it's coming back to bite him."
House," The only pRoblem with that theory is it's based on the assumption that the universe is a just place. If it were, then his poor Manager wouldn't have been fired for no reason."
Chase, LAmbert-Eaton.
Cameron, His chest was clear.
Chase, So we run an electromyography test.
Cameron, You're still not explaining the PRCA.
House, What's his red count now?
Foreman," Had to give him a blood transfusion, he's back around 30."
House, He needed a transfusion?
Foreman," Well he was losing blood, so I thought maybe he needed blood."
House, [makes a dramatic gesture with the stirring stick] Go forth and scan his neck.
Chase, His neck?
House, Or repeat Everything I say in question form.
House, She came into the clinic and yelled at me. Then she left. Then she came back and yelled some more.
Wilson, Hmm. Yelling. That might be a clue.
House," I know what the yelling means, it's the coming and going I find interesting. It's not rational."
Wilson, Anger's not rational?
House," Some anger is. She could have pulled me aside, screamed at me privately. Her beef is simple and well-founded. She was out of control."
Wilson, You're having fun aren't you?
House," She's in my face, I need to know why."
Wilson, Professional reasons.
House," Oh, why else?"
Wilson," Do you really think this is going to end well, for anyone?"
Cameron, After this we'll scan some totally random body parts.
Chase, Fifty bucks says we find something.
Foreman, [laughs] Find what?
Chase, Don't have a clue. We on?
Foreman, No way.
Cameron, No. We'll find something.
Chase, We found a thymoma.
Foreman, How'd you know to look in his neck? Thymoma's usually present in the chest
House, I knew it wasn't in his chest. All we've done since he checked in is look at his chest.
Foreman, All the more reason not to think--
House," There are two types of PRCA. Acute comes on suddenly, chronic takes its time. We all thought Jeff's was acute because it happened right in front of us. What if it had been there for months? Maybe years?"
Cameron," There's no way, it would have kept him from racing. With that kind of anaemia, he would have needed constant..."
Chase, Blood transfusions.
House, Which he was getting in convenient blood-doping form.
Foreman, He was treating himself without Even knowing it.
House, Up to half of Patients with chronic PRCA have a thymoma. And up to half of Patients with a thymoma! [takes out a syringe] I've always wanted to do this.
Jeff, I'm not getting any better. Does that mean I'm--
Jeff, Ow.
House, You are healed! Rise and walk.
Jeff, Are you insane?
House," In the Bible, you just say ""Yes Lord"" and then, start right in on the praising."
Jeff," First you tell me I've got cancer, and then you tell me that my Manager-- [starts making a hand gesture then realises he can actually move his hand] What did you do?"
House," No, what did you Lord. Thymoma is a tumour in the thymus gland. He's a bit of a wimp, but he hangs with the tough guys. PRCA and an auto-immune disease called myasthenia gravis. MG causes muscle fatigue, including respiratory pRoblems and difficulty swallowing."
Jeff, It can hit you that fast?
House," Treatment for PRCA is blood transfusions, treatment for MG is hyperbaria. You were doing both as part of your regular freak show. When you took a break Everything went to hell!which is not an uncommon reaction in Jersey."
Jeff, So... the whole thing with my Manager..?
House," [raises his hand to his lips] Ooops. No, no EPO. This has nothing to do with anything you did. You can let her know she's in the clear."
Jeff," I could. Or, 10 percent of a Nike contract is a hell of a lot of cash."
House," [makes a snarky face when Jeff isn't looking] You don't need your thymus. Take it out, Everything else is Manageable."
Jeff, Manageable. I thought you just cured me.
House," Nuh uh, this is just diagnostic. This just erases the symptoms of MG for five or six minutes [Jeff suddenly starts wheezing again and suddenly drops like a ton of bricks onto the floor. House stands there without raising a hair] Sometimes less. This is exactly why I created nurses. [Calls out from the room] Cleanup on aisle three!"
Stacy," You've come to search my office; you should wait ten minutes I'll be out of your hair. Here, start with my purse (throws it across to House) just save me some mints. What do you want to know? My sex life with Mark? My guilt over crippling your damn leg? Or are you just here to gloat because you weren't the leak?"
House," I want to apologise [he solemnly sits down] Maybe I've been punishing you for a little too long. And maybe you've been punishing me. If we're going to work together, I need to know - do you hate me? Or do you love me? Either way, I think we've got a pRoblem."
Stacy, I hate you. And I love you. And I love Mark.
House, You don't hate him?
Stacy, No.
House, So what do we do?
Stacy, We deal with each other.
House, Right. That plan's been working great so far.
Stacy," It'll get better, it'll get easier."
House, Why?
Stacy," I don't know, it's what my therapist tells me."
Jeff, In the professional cycling world we are subject to what seems like constant witch-hunts. But I want to thank Dr House and the excellent medical team here at Princeton Plainsboro. My hope is that this diagnosis will put to rest any rumours that I would Ever--
Cameron," He needs blood transfusions Every two weeks, which means he can dope all he wants. He's got a doctor's pass. It's medicinal. He got away with it."
Wilson," Mmmhmm, he cheated and won a game. Life's more compliCated than who gets to the finish line first."
Cameron," I fell in love with my husband's best friend. Near the end I was at the hospital Every day, and Joe would come by after work. We'd go for walks and try to talk each other through it. We kind of clung on to each other."
Wilson," My wife wasn't dying, she wasn't Even sick. Everything was fine. I met someone who... made me feel... funny. Good. And I didn't want to let that feeling go. [long silent pause] What happened to you, how can anyone go through that alone? You can't control your emotions."
Cameron, No. Just your actions.
Wilson," You didn't do it, did you? You didn't sleep with him."
Cameron, I couldn't have lived with myself.
Wilson, [smiling] You'd be surprised what you can live with. [walks out of the office]
House," Hey, I need you to open that door."
Mopping guy, Not allowed.
House," Yeah er... I was having therapy in here today, and er, I left my cane."
Mopping guy, Sorry.
House, Dude! I'm crippled.
Wilson, My offer's withdrawn; you can walk to work.
House," Got it, you're morally outraged. Now can we get through this part? 'Cause the next part's awesome. [He takes a bite of toast.]"
Wilson, How do you rationalize something like this? You broke into Stacy's therapist's office--
House, Borrowed a key
Wilson, --and stole her treatment notes!
House," Nope! I made copies. Mark is, and I quote [Wilson groans.] ""Withdrawn, passive-aggressive, won't communiCate, like he resents me because I can walk."""
Wilson, I don't want to hear this.
House," Dishes in the sink, toilet seat up. Meanwhile, she can't stop thinking about [Walks up to Wilson and shows him the notes.] I can't read that, is she obsessed with a Grey Horse? Or me?"
Wilson, It says she thinks you're an annoying jerk. [Throws the notes on to a table.]
House, It's a pet name. [Picks the notes back up.] Here's the kicker. [Shows the notes to Wilson again; Wilson reads it again with interest this time.]
Wilson, They're not having sex? [House and Wilson share a look.]
House," Doctor cleared him, but no liftoff. She's frustrated so she's doc-blocking me. Paperwork, seminars, meddling with my Patients"
Wilson," Great, now you've got the proof you need. Just take those personal psych records to Cuddy, that'll show her Stacy's out of control. [House turns away, looking for something.] You ignoring me?"
House," While looking for my newspaper, efficient huh?"
Kalvin, Over here! [Camera pans to a young Man leaning against the back of Wilson's car reading House's newspaper.]
House," [Sighs.] Dr Wilson, I want you to meet my stalker"
Kalvin, Your waiting room sucks.
House, I am not treating you.
Kalvin," What, because you're a closet-case? [He gives House and Wilson a pointed look.]"
Wilson, Err... we're not... err... together.
House," [Turns around to give Wilson a look.] He is so self-loathing. [Grabs the newspaper from Kalvin.] Well, we've got to go now, so maybe see you after work--"
Kalvin," No, no, no! Ah... [Pushes his file into House's hands.] nobody can figure out what's wrong with me."
House," [Doesn't bother to look at the file.] Well your shirt is gaping at the collar, means you lost weight, you're flushed, that's fEver, and you're short of breath. And finally there's the KS lesion on your face; means you're HIV positive, you've progressed to full-blown AIDS. So you're sick because your immune system is shot and someone sneezed on you. [Shoves file back to Kalvin.] Can I be excused now?"
Kalvin," Brilliant, but, [Grabs the end of House's cane.] my immune system is fine."
House, Your concentration camp physique begs to differ. Get your T-cell count re-checked.
Kalvin, I've already done that.
Wilson, They test for T-cell lymphoma?
Kalvin, It was negative.
House, All of this will be fascinating to an HIV specialist. Now let go of my cane before it becomes your new boyfriend.
Kalvin," Honey, I will marry it if you would look at my file."
House," Congress says you can't, so..."
House, I didn't touch him. [He's intrigued.]
Wilson, He's going into anaphylactic shock.
Cuddy, Go see Stacy.
House," We gave him epi, he's fine."
Cuddy," You need a Lawyer, go see Stacy. You hit a Patient."
House," Four words, two mistakes. He's not a Patient, and I didn't hit him."
Cuddy," Of course you didn't, go see Stacy."
House, I didn't cause the anaphylaxis. It's pRobably one of his HIV meds abacavir.
Cuddy, I'll pass that along; make sure the ER takes him off it. Go see Stacy.
Stacy, You have to treat him.
House," Medically, this case is a snooze-fest. AIDS plus infection."
Stacy, You don't treat him he charges you with assault.
House," Just 'cause he says I hit him doesn't make it true. Watch, [Looks up at the ceiling.] I am surrounded by naked cheerleaders [Nothing happens.] See? [Stacy hands him a mug of coffee.] Although I like my chances of some action this morning."
Stacy, I forgot Wednesday was hooker day. This could've waited!
House, You make me meet you at your House. Your husband is conveniently absent.
Stacy," Mark's at physio, I'm stuck waiting for the exterminator. [House gives a questioning look.] I saw a rat last night."
House," Well, I'm surprised your feet are touParkng the floor."
Stacy, I barely slept.
House," [Takes off his jacket.] What was Mark up to? Memory serves, quick climb up Mt. Gregory, and you dozed through a seal hunt. Clubbing, shrieking. [Walks to the sink and starts washing the dishes.]"
Stacy, What're you doing?
House," Sorry, it's driving me nuts."
Stacy, You hate washing dishes.
House, People change. I could make sure you'd sleep like a baby tonight.
Stacy, Rather take care of that myself. [Walks up to the sink to help House.]
House, I was referring to the rat.
Stacy, Trenton Pests is sending a guy.
Mark, What's going on?
House," It's not what you think. I know it looks like we're cleaning dishes, but actually we're having sex."
Stacy, We're working.
Mark," Wow, wish I'd become a doctor. Place would be spotless. [Smirks and wheelchairs himself away.]"
Stacy," Take ten minutes, cure the guy, and stop whining. [Walks after Mark.]"
House," I give you Kalvin Ryan; so flamboyant in person, so boring on paper. Obviously got an opportunistic infection, pRobably TB or PCP."
Foreman, Have you read his file?
House," I started, but I found the characters two-dimensional."
Foreman," He went to an HIV clinic last week. Tested negative for TB, PCP, MAC, CMV, HSV. It's not an infection."
House," HIV clinic. So few Patients, so much money; [Sorts his mail.] re-do the tests."
Cameron, The results make sense. Kalvin's T-cells are at 200.That's strong enough to fight infection.
House," Fine, parasite."
Chase," Nope, stool sample was negative."
Cameron," Two months ago, he was down to 30 T-cells, then he changed his meds, his immune system rebounds, his viral load drops, Everything's getting better but he's getting sicker."
Foreman, Face it; this might be an interesting case.
House, What if his immune system is too strong?
Cameron," An auto-immune disease? With HIV, that's impossible."
House," His new HIV meds kicked his system out of a sound sleep. It wakes up hungry, cranky, spoiling for a fight. When it doesn't find an active infection, starts attacking the harmless remnants of old infections. Immune reconstitution syndrome."
Foreman," His meds made him so much better, he made himself sick. Sounds pretty--"
House," BORING! This is so not interesting. Chest X-ray and find the old infections, start him on steroids."
Wilson," If you're wrong, steroids will tank his immune system. He'll get worse."
House, Now THAT would be interesting. Where's the coumadin?
Wilson, If your Patient's got a blood pRoblem then blood thinners aren't exactly--
House, It's for Stacy's rat; death by anti-coagulation. [He reaches for a bottle.]
Wilson, Trying to win Stacy back by killing an animal... very caveMan.
House," I don't want her back. I just want her to admit her feelings for me. I go to Cuddy, Cuddy fires her or re-assigns her. Either way, I'm happy."
Wilson," [Pinches the bridge of his nose.] If you want her back, either tell her, or, better yet, shut up, and cry yourself to sleep like Everybody else."
House," [Picks up the phone.] Hi, this is Mark Warner, 1724 Spring Street. Listen, you don't need to send that guy down, we caught him. No, you should send the bill to Princeton-Plainsboro hospital. Attn: Dr Wilson, yeah. [Puts down the phone; Wilson nods thoughtfully and rather acceptingly but also seems to have been left speechless.]"
Cameron, [Hand under the blanket.] Your lymph nodes aren't swollen. That's good.
Kalvin, Maybe Dr Chase should check.
Chase," Sorry mate, [Injecting something into the IV bag] hands full."
Kalvin, He's too pretty to be straight. You Ever done any modeling?
Chase, Does anyone actually fall for that line?
Kalvin, Every day. Why do you think I became a photographer? I'm guessing you guys didn't think about dating on career day. [Chase smiles at Cameron.]
Cameron, I love my job.
Kalvin, Really? You seem more the 'find it exceptionally satisfying' type.
Cameron, I'm not sure there's a difference. Your mom died of diabetes. How's your dad's health?
Kalvin," Last I heard he had cirrhosis. Love, is love, satisfying is 'social validation, fun can wait'."
Cameron, I have fun.
Chase," Yeah, she's got some scheduled for February. Last you heard? Your father?"
Kalvin, He threw me out when I was 16. It's just as well; I got tired of getting BB guns for my birthday when I'd asked for a Barbie.
Chase, Dads can be real sweethearts.
Kalvin," Mmm, sensitive, AND cute."
Cameron, He's cute.
Stacy, It ran into that heating vent right there.
House, Hopefully Mark's anger will go away Eventually.
Stacy," He's not angry, just doesn't like you. Nothing unique there."
House," Didn't seem really wild about you, either."
Stacy, He's fine with me.
House, He's angry. Said so in group.
Stacy, Of course he's angry; he's looking at months of painful physio.
House, [Smells a ball of cheese he brought wrapped in foil.] He's mad at you.
Stacy, There's no way he said that.
House," [Sighs.] No, but it's true. He resents you for being able to walk. Been there. I resented you for hell of a long time."
Stacy, Past tense?
Stacy, Might be the hospital. [She walks out.]
House, [Picks up the cell phone.] What!?
Foreman, Bad time? Where are you?
House, At your girlfriend's place. Ignore the moaning and squeaking.
Chase, His lungs are too scarred to tell which infection triggered the immune reconstitution.
House, He a smoker?
Cameron," Yes, and possibly more than cigarettes. His tox screen came back positive for recreational drugs."
House, Not surprising. Not medically relevant.
Foreman, His heart looks a little enlarged.
House, That's a typical side-effect of AZT. What are Kalvin's most recent infections?
Chase," Toxo, CMV and PCP."
House, [Whispers into the phone.] Well let's assume it's one of those. Give him Ganciclovir for the CMV...
Foreman," Whoa, we can hardly hear you. Where are you?"
House," In a closet. Your girlfriend's other boyfriend showed up. Ganciclovir for the CMV, Sulfadiazine for the Toxo, Bactrim for PCP. Gotta go. It's killing time. [Puts down the phone.]"
Cameron, Your tox screen came back positive for--
Kalvin, Crystal meth aaand ecstasy.
Cameron," Recreational drugs are dangerous to begin with, but for someone with HIV..."
Kalvin, I didn't mistake them for vitamins. I'm a PNP boy. Party and Play. Drugs and sex. [Starts coughing.] You don't approve?
Cameron, Does the sex include condoms?
Kalvin," If he's negative, sure. If he's positive, [Shrugs.] why put on a raincoat if you're already wet?"
Cameron, You could get hepatitis or another strain of HIV.
Kalvin, Or I could get hit by a bus.
Cameron, AIDS isn't a death sentence anymore.
Kalvin, I don't want to have any regrets. [Starts coughing again.]
Cameron, How long have you been coughing?
Kalvin, [Sighs.] About an hour or so. [Coughs.]
Cameron, [Pours him some water.] Try to take a deep breath.
Cameron, What is it?
Kalvin, I think its blood. [He starts coughing again and splatters blood on Cameron's face.]
Doctor," I recommend post-exposure prophylaxis. Your chances of conversion are slim, but I'd like to put you on three antiviral medications; finavir, zidovudine and lamivudine. There are side-effects - headache, nausea, vivid dreaming. You'll be tested for HIV in 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months... [His voice starts to fade away as the background music becomes louder.]"
House, Very interesting.
Foreman," He coughs infected blood in Cameron's eyes and mouth, that's interesting?"
House," The coughing part, not the in Cameron part. New symptom, blood vessel ruptured in his lung."
Chase, I closed the tear.
House," Well it takes immune reconstitution off the table. What's it put on the table? [Chase and Foreman are silent.] Its ok, she's not here. You can skip the nice guy acts."
Foreman, You know some huMan beings are actually capable of huMan feelings.
House, My giving a damn or not is not going to change what happened.
Chase, Could be Kaposi's Syndrome.
House," No edema, no blood in urine."
Foreman," KS on his face could mean KS in his lungs, with bleeding from the lesions."
Chase, I would have seen them when I repaired the tear in his lung. Wegener's granulomatosis?
Cameron, Wegener's would have responded to the steroids.
Chase," Maybe you should go home, take the rest of the day. [He puts a hand on her shoulder, she shrugs it off.]"
Cameron, I'm fine.
House," Oh this is good, he's pretending to care, you're pretending not to."
Cameron, I think we should reconsider drugs. Kalvin uses crystal meth.
House, Concerned enough about his health to stalk me while indulging in deadly street drugs. [Takes a vicodin.] Study in contradictions. Interesting. Still not medically relevant.
Cameron," It could be, if his drugs were tainted. They cook meth with battery acid, lye, lantern fuel..."
House," Find Kalvin's pills, test for toxins [Ducklings start to walk out.] Foreman, you're with me."
House, I need a consult on another case.
Foreman, You have another case?
House, It's a hip-pocket deal. Patient presents with a distinct neck tilt.
Foreman, Wry Neck. Is he an athlete?
House, He's a regular runner.
Foreman, Any pain associated with movement.
House," None that he's complained of [They reach a vending maParkne, House gestures for Foreman to hand him some coins which Foreman does automatically.]"
Foreman," Best case scenario, an infection in the ear or lungs; worst case, brain stem tumor. Should do an MRI, CAT scan, full work-up."
House, Uhh! I don't think so [Gets his drink from the vending maParkne.] No insurance.
Cameron, [Closes a drawer next to his bed.] No drugs in here. I'll take the bathroom.
Chase, How about a drink after work? Take your mind off what happened. [Silence.] Cameron?
Cameron," I might have HIV, a drink's not going to wash it away."
Chase, [SearParkng the wardRobe.] There's like zero chance of you contracting the virus.
Cameron, Big difference between 'like zero' and 'zero'.
Chase, What did the infection control guy tell you?
Cameron," He was very reassuring, kept reminding me that the hospital covers all my medical costs. Apparently forgot to mention that if I do test positive, that they'll pass it on to legal and legal will dig up any dirt they can trying to prove that I'm a drug user or tramp, and that's why I have HIV."
Chase," It's not like they're going to find anything, right?"
Cameron, Right.
Chase, [Finds something.] Check this out.
Chase, Kalvin's a photographer. The broken bulbs were props. Glass is from 1930's fluorescent.
Cameron, Some of the bulbs have date stamps.
Chase," Pre-World War II fluorescent bulbs contained large amounts of beryllium. Beryllium dust inflames the lungs, they get rigid, Patient can't breathe. [House gives him a questioning look.] My father co-authored a paper on acute berylliosis."
House," Phew! For a moment there I thought you were smart. Cameron, get a biopsy of Calvin's lung tissue. Run a spectrographic analysis."
Chase, I can handle it.
House, No reason to risk exposing the entire team. Then who would I torment?
Kalvin, I'm sorry. About what happened.
Cameron, It's best not to talk. You're going to feel a sharp pinch. This actually is going to grab a piece of your lung.
Kalvin, What were you guys looking for at my hotel?
Cameron, Your drugs. Thought maybe you'd used toxic meth. We'll know if you're exposed to beryllium in a few hours.
Kalvin," Well if you're still curious, it's in my bag over there on the chair."
Cameron, You brought drugs into the hospital?! Glad I wasted my time at your hotel.
Kalvin," I told you I used; you didn't ask me for a sample. You're not pissed about this, you're mad because I coughed blood on you."
Cameron, That was an accident.
Kalvin," Oh, would you stop being nice! It's useless and worse, it's boring. Get angry! I had one stupid night, I end up with HIV, do you have any idea how pissed off I was?"
Cameron, This wasn't your fault.
Stacy, [Rushes in to find House sitting in the middle of her attic.] You broke into my House?
House," Well I had to, Mark isn't here."
Stacy, He has physio.
House, Oh really? How's he doing?
Stacy, What happened with all the cheese?
House, I had to get rid of it before Steve McQueen ate any coumadin. I named your rat. [Stacy gives a look of disbelief.] Steve's tilting his head. Any neurologist will tell you that suggests an infection or brain stem tumor.
Stacy, Death cures both those things.
House," Well we can't kill him. If it's an infection, it could be caused by something in your House, something that could affect you guys [He scrapes something off the floor and goes to sit beside Stacy]. Smell this, [Stacy sniffs it.] does it smell like urine?"
Stacy, Oh! [She turns away in disgust.]
House," [Sniffs it.] You missing any asparagus? Ok, stuff these. [He hands her a bottle of antibiotics.] He doesn't get better, then it's a tumor."
Stacy, Then what? Chemo?
House, Steve McQueen without hair? [Shakes his head.] It's a blessing he died young. [They both smile.]
Stacy," Hello. Oh, hi Honey. I'm sorry I missed you, yeah, I came home. Alright, I'll see you in a few minutes, okay, bye hon."
Kalvin, Chest hurts!
Foreman," Heart rate's a hundred and climbing, could be an allergic reaction."
Cameron, Neck veins are out; must be pericardial effusion. [Checks with her stethoscope] No wheezing.
Foreman, Tear in his lungs must have re-opened.
Cameron," Kalvin, you're bleeding into the area around your heart."
Kalvin, I'm dying? I can't breathe!
Cameron," The blood's crushing your heart, once we remove it, you'll be fine."
Kalvin," If I die, please... tell my dad--"
Cameron, You're not going to die.
Kalvin, --tell... him... sorry. [He slips into unconsciousness.]
Cameron, Where's the blood? It's clear.
Foreman, Only one other thing could cause this; a tumor in his heart.
Wilson, CT confirmed a mass in Kalvin's heart and sEveral smaller ones in his lungs.
Foreman," That's why his heart's enlarged, not the AZT."
Wilson, [Looking at Cameron.] You ok?
House," She's fine, pRobably getting bored with the question. Masses in the heart and lungs, what kind of cancer are we looking at?"
Cameron, They may not be cancerous.
Wilson, This is classic Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma; HIV positive Patient with a primary heart mass.
Cameron, It could be sarcoidosis.
Chase, His lung tissue is negative.
Cameron," Lymphoma's a death sentence, sarcoidosis is treatable."
House," So's an ear infection, but since he didn't test positive for that either!"
Cameron, I wanna do the Kveim-Siltzbach test.
House, [Splutters.] Do you have any idea how much paperwork Cuddy is going to need signed? [Cameron doesn't budge; House seems to like that idea a lot.] Do it.
House, So! how is the Patient's father?
Cameron, Uh!
House, 'Tell my dad I'm sorry?' Might as well wave the red flag at a bull.
Cameron, He's not coming.
House," Well it's not a tragedy, dad doesn't want to see him, he doesn't want to see the dad. You're the only one who wants them together."
Cameron, He asked!
House," He thought he was dying. Dying people lie too. Wish they'd work less, they'd been nicer, they'd opened orphanages for kittens. If you really want to do something, you do it; you don't save it for sound bite."
Cameron, What did you say when you thought you were dying?
House," [Pregnant pause.] On the other hand, [Cameron sighs, not getting an answer as usual.] his dad tossed him out. So what's our guy want to apologize for?"
Cameron, Everybody has regrets.
Cameron," If the growths in your lungs and heart are sarcoid, your body will recognize this material and we'll see a reaction on your arm. [Injects something; pRobably prednisone.] Did you really want to see your dad?"
Kalvin," Did you call him? [Cameron shakes her head.] Thanks. He would have come, try to straighten me out. How are you holding up?"
Cameron, I'm fine.
Kalvin, Convincing. What did you do with my drugs?
Cameron, The lab disposes of them after analysis.
Kalvin, Too bad. They could have done you some good.
Cameron, Not really my thing.
Kalvin," You know I hope you don't have it, but getting HIV might have been the best thing that Ever happened to me. I used to be a good boy. NEver wanted to piss anybody off! playing by the rules makes Everybody else happy. Now I'm happy. [He and Cameron share a smile.]"
Wilson, So you just show up Every time he's at physio?
House," 'Course not! Also when he's at group therapy, or out for dinner with friends."
Wilson, And when she happens to mention to Mark that you dropped by?
House, You tell your wife Everything?
Wilson," It's a! process. [Sighs.] But Stacy doesn't have any reason to hide this from Mark. [Follows House out of the office.] As far as she knows, Mark's okay with you being there."
House," My bet is she mentions me to Mark as little as possible, 'cause she thinks that he thinks that she still has feelings for me. And you know why she thinks that?"
Wilson, Because she still has feelings for you? [Deadpan voice.]
House," If you're right, she did tell him, and I don't get through the door tonight. But if I'm right! [House gets into the elevator, the door closes.]"
Stacy, So how long do we stay here?
House, 'Til something happens.
Stacy, He's not going to come out with us right here.
House," We are downwind, and he seems to have hearing loss."
Stacy, He's not blind.
House, Steve McQueen does not run from danger. Antibiotics on the other hand! [He picks a pill up from the floor.]
Stacy, He ate around the pill? Smart!
House," Admit it, you like him."
Stacy, He's alright! for a rat.
House," You wanna now how cool he is? His urine showed traces of hydrogen cyanide, formaldehyde, lead. He's a smoker. Your husband's been lighting up; which is particularly stupid, it could cause his AIP to!"
Stacy," Okay, I blow my smoke into the vents so Mark doesn't know."
House, I always knew.
Stacy, Bluffing!
House," You started two weeks after my surgery. Menthols, then lights after a month."
Stacy, Why didn't you say anything?
House," 'Cause it helped me monitor your misery lEvel. One trip outside was a good day, upwards of six you were in hell."
Stacy, You could have asked me how I was!
House, I already knew. Sorry you were miserable.
Stacy, Sorry I caused you so much pain.
Chase, Glad you changed your mind about that drink.
Cameron, Come on in.
Chase," You should get changed, there's this new place on campus that looks! [Cameron pushes him up against the wall and kisses him. Chase looks very confused but kisses her back.] Are you high?"
Cameron," Uh huh. [She strips off Chase's jacket, he doesn't really fight her.]"
Chase, I thought you disposed of the drugs.
Cameron, Not all of it. [They start stripping each other.]
Chase," Uhh, slow down! your pupils are dilated! You're not! [She yanks his shirt off.]"
Cameron, Come on Chase; don't turn into a good guy on me now.
House, You're late! and hung over. [Looks carefully at Cameron.] Or maybe not.
Cameron, Why do you have a rat?
House, Jealous?
Kalvin, Out of my room!
Dad, Don't you dare put this on me!
Kalvin," I'm not going to grovel, dad!"
Dad, That's not what I'm asking for.
Kalvin, Like hell it isn't! [At Cameron.] You said you didn't call!
House, Don't mind me. Just here for the show.
Dad," Yeah well, there's not going to be any."
House," What happened to the big apology? Yesterday he was all 'Daddy, I'm so sowwy.'"
Kalvin, This is none of your business.
House, You should have thought of that before you stalked me. Now I'm interested. [To the dad.] So what's he got to apologize for? You're the one who tossed him out.
Dad, Now why would I do that?
House, I don't know. 'Cause it's tough to brag to your hunting buddies that your son knows all the words of The Wiz.
Dad, That's a lie!
House," 42nd Street? Much easier to just get drunk and beat him. Explains his hating you; [Dad is facepalming.] also your cirrhosis. Also why the more I talk, the more you sweat. What it doesn't explain, is why he's gotta apologize to you. [To Kalvin.] Residual guilt for sharing your special toy with other boys?"
Kalvin, Just leave it alone.
House, Just want to leave the bigot with some peace of mind after you're gone?
Dad," Look, this has got nothing, and I mean nothing to do with him being gay! Now Kal brought this on himself, with what he did to his mother!"
House, He steal her signature look?
Dad," No. No, he killed her."
Cameron, Kalvin lied!
House," Yeah, that certainly is shocking."
Cameron," [Pacing and talking very fast.] Mom's kidneys were failing, she needed a transplant, they tested Kalvin, he was a match. He was also positive for HIV, mom nEver found a qualified donor, she dies."
House, Tragic tale. Undercut slightly by the rapid fire delivery and constant movement. Too much coffee this morning?
Chase, He didn't kill her. Our bodies aren't donor farms for our parents.
Foreman," It's not 1980. We know how HIV is transmitted! If Kalvin got HIV through unprotected sex, dad has Every right to be pissed!"
Cameron, So you always use a condom?
Foreman, Uhh... yeah!
House, Brother's on the down-low got to
Foreman," Huh, not ready for any Foreman Juniors yet."
Cameron, [To House.] You?
House, Working girls are sticklers. You're not going to poll Chase? [She looks at him sharply.]
Chase, I'm not an idiot.
House," Obviously not. Who doesn't sleep with a drugged out colleague when they have a chance? [He gives Cameron and Chase a pointed look that plainly speaks of lEvels of satisfaction for finding out; Foreman looks surprised, but grins.]"
Cameron, Where's Wilson?
House, We got the result for the Kveim test. [Shakes his head slightly. Cameron sighs.]
Kalvin, So! I have cancer?
Wilson," In all likelihood, yeah. Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma."
Kalvin, And I am! dying?
Wilson, We need to biopsy the tumor. It's near your aorta so! getting that sample carries serious risks.
Kalvin, Is my dad still here?
Wilson, He hasn't been in?
Wilson," We'll inject a dye around your heart to make the tumor visible on the CT. [Cut to dad sitting by the wall of water. Wilson continues as a voice over.] Then a surgeon inserts a guide wire, runs it up into your heart where he takes a small piece of that tumor so we can look at it under the microscope."
Chase, Ativan. It'll help settle you down. [He hands her some pills which she takes.]
Cameron, Why are you so calm?
Chase, Not coming off meth helps. Last night pRobably shouldn't happen again.
Cameron, Do you think I want it to?
Chase," When two people have had sex, unless it sucks, if they can do it again, they're gonna do it again. And that's when things get compliCated. And it didn't suck. [Chase walks out.]"
Wilson, So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another Patient.
House," Nyah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic."
Wilson, Well that rules out letting the rat go so you can catch him again.
House," I can't do that, Steve needs two weeks antibiotics and a smoke-free environment. Cigarettes aggravated his infection."
Wilson, The rat is actually sick? That thing could infect the entire hospital!
House, Steve's infection is not contagious to huMans. I'm an idiot. How did I miss mycoplasmosis? Was that the kid's father?
Wilson, Yeah. Remember the Black Death? Started with rats
House, What's he doing in the hallway? His kid getting his biopsy already?
Wilson, He just won't go in the room. Who knows what else he has - parasites? Bacterial infection?
House, Kid doesn't have parasites.
Wilson," Not the kid, the rat!"
House, Was he still sweating?
Wilson, Rats only sweat through their tails.
House," Not the rat, the dad! [Wilson doesn't have an answer. House starts walking back towards the dad.] Where are they from?"
Wilson, Err! Montana. What's going on?
House," You were right, it's a parasite. Cancel the biopsy. It'll kill him. [Bangs his cane against the glass wall of the room the dad is in.] Hey daddy, come with me!"
Dad," Yeah, uhh! I'm not going in there."
House, Your son asked to talk to you.
Kalvin, [As dad walks in.] Why is he here?
House, [Slides the door closed.] He wanted to talk to you.
Dad, [Makes a noise as he suddenly realizes that House lied to him.]
House, Did you two use to hunt together? Foxes. Did you kill foxes?
Dad, It's Montana.
House," [Walks towards Kalvin.] Those masses in your chest are not tumors. They're parasitic cysts from a bug called eParknococcus. Touch a dead fox, they jump aboard, they can hunker down for decades -- growing, spawning, shopping, putting on plays."
Kalvin, I've been tested for parasites.
House," Okay, it's cancer. You happy? The cysts isolate the parasites, keeping them from showing up in stool samples, Even in blood tests, cardiac--"
Dad," All right, you don't need me for this."
House, But you've got the same things in your liver.
Dad, I have cirrhosis.
House," Liver cysts have identical symptoms with one addition, fEver. Now liver cysts we can test for. Your diagnosis could confirm Kalvin's. So, option A, we draw some blood--"
Dad," No, look, you're not touParkng me."
House," You see, this is why I need you here. I want you to tell your son that you won't take a simple painless blood test to save his life."
Dad, [To Kalvin.] You err! nEver expressed a shred of regret for what happened to your mother.
Kalvin," Geez, dad!"
Dad," If you'd have worn a damn rubber, you'd have been fine; could have saved her life. You wouldn't be lying here!"
House," Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it! You're really mad at him for killing himself and for destroying Everything you love. I don't have time for this, are you going to apologize?"
Kalvin, I'm living my life the way I want.
House, [To the dad.] Are you going to give me some blood?
Dad," Look, if he doesn't give a damn then neither do I!"
House, Okay. Option B. Why did your wife kill herself? Did she hate you?
Kalvin, She was a diabetic!
Dad, You know you don't know a thing about my Suzanne.
House," Either Suzanne wanted to die, or she was both fat AND stupid. Used a Twinkie instead of a gun. And girls with big appetites, well they just can't get enough - of anything!"
Kalvin, Shut up!
House, PRobably nibbled on Every devil dog in the county!
Dad, SHUT UP!
House," Just in case I'm not making myself clear, I don't mean the delicious snack!"
Dad," [Punches House, forcing House to reel back against the window.] You son of a bitch! Yeah? Come on!"
House," [Pats his jaw very calmly.] Thank you, means I can do this [Uses the head of his cane to whack the father exactly where his liver is situated.] We're going to need some epi in here, stat!"
Kalvin, Are you out of your mind?!
House," You said you didn't care. [House uses his cane to push the dad back against the wall by pushing it against his neck.] Notice how you can't breathe? [The father sounds like he's choking/wheezing/going into shock.] Now either that's the cane, or I just ruptured one of those liver cysts we were chatting about and you've gone into anaphylactic shock, exactly the same as your son did when he accidentally tripped against my friend's car. I'm just SO excited to find out which! [House takes his cane off and the father slips to the floor clutParkng at his middle section.] I'm gonna schedule surgery."
House," Two successful surgeries, two lives saved. I'm over my quota. Can I have next week off?"
Cuddy, Two family members assaulted.
House, It was self defense.
Cuddy, You baited him.
House," You're right. I was asking for it. The low-cut blouse, the 'Do-Me' pumps."
Cuddy," You flooded his gut with a parasite, he could sue. Go see Stacy."
House, Okay. [Gets up to leave.]
Cuddy, That's it? Okay? No name-calling? No squawking? No rending of garments?
House, I like this T-shirt.
Cameron, You lied to me.
Kalvin, If this is about my mom!
Cameron," This is about your lonely, miserable life."
Kalvin," I'm not miserable. And as long as there's a gay bar around, I'm nEver lonely."
Cameron," You haven't had a single visitor except for your dad. Drugs are great, HIV freed you, your dad hates you, you're so happy. Everything's a lie! You blame yourself for your mom's death. You're not trying to have fun, you're trying to self-destruct. You wanna kill yourself? Fine, but stop recruiting!"
Stacy, Heard you hit another Patient.
House," Yeah, sure. Why not? He hit me first."
Stacy, Cuddy didn't mention that. Let me see. [She comes around the desk to look at his jaw.]
House, I'm the doctor.
Stacy," My concern is purely legal. [Pats the skin where he got punched.] Looks okay, does it hurt?"
House, A little.
Stacy, You need some ice. [She goes to fetch some from the little fridge in the corner.]
House, There's no way that Mark doesn't know; [Stacy turns around.] about the smoking.
Stacy, He would have said something. [She applies some ice wrapped in a cloth to the purpling area where he got punched.]
House, Then he hasn't been near you in months.
Stacy, We're fine.
House, Can't be easy.
Stacy, Stop squirming.
House, Why would you lie about this?
Stacy, I'm not lying.
House," I don't care if you're sleeping with him or not, but you're not, so!"
Stacy, I am. [Stops trying to put the ice on the bruise.]
House, You're lying.
Stacy, You know when I have sex? You can smell that on me too? The only people who know about what's going on between me and Mark are me and Mark.
House, I just know you.
Stacy," And I know you. You're confident, arrogant, but you're nEver certain unless there's a reason to be certain. One other person knew, I told you I was seeing Dr Harper. You can easily get into her office, you read my file. [House doesn't deny it.] You read my file? [She now sounds like she's about to break into tears.] The dishes, the concern, the, oh, acting like a huMan being? You have! This whole time you've been Manipulating me?"
House," You knew I had an angle the moment I poured soap onto a scrub brush. [Stacy walks back behind her desk.] You could have thrown me out, or ignored me, or found another exterminator. You didn't Even tell Mark that I kept coming by. You LET this happen because you wanna be with me."
Stacy, [Nods.] I don't anymore. Get out.
Kalvin, I'm sorry.
Magician boy on stage, Welcome to the world of illusion. What is real and what is magic. This is what you will wonder as I perform feats that will astound you! As you see there's nothing up my sleEves. And this hat! just an ordinary old hat. Watch as I wave three times above the hat and whisper the magic words; and now! [A bouquet of flowers pops out of the hat.]
Dory, Mom it's not working! It's ripped!
Kayla," It's okay baby, it's just a little tear."
Dory," Hurry up, mom!"
Kayla, [Turns to Nicky.] What are you so worried about?
Nicky, Sally's going to make fun of us.
Kayla, Sally Ayerson?
Dory, She said her mom bought her dress as Bloomingdales. You had to make ours. We're going to look stupid!
Kayla, Do you girls remember that music we were listening to yesterday? That lady who sang about respect?
Nicky, Retha?
Kayla, Aretha. That's right. Do you think she had lots of money growing up in Detroit?
Dory, What's Detroit?
Kayla, It's a city. The point is that she's one of the best singers Ever. If Sally's mean to you again I'm just going to have to key her daddy's new convertible.
Kayla, Do you know what that means? [The girls shake their heads.] Good.
Cuddy, Hey.
Stacy, Hey.
Cuddy, Did you speak to Chase and House yet? The disciplinary hearing.
Stacy, The McGinley case. That's not for two weeks.
Cuddy," Tomorrow. Scheduling disaster, you don't want to hear it. You gotta get the boys' okay to move the hearing up, and you gotta do that whole legal advice thing."
Stacy, Can you ask someone else?
Cuddy, I'm asking you.
Stacy, Let me work with Chase. House should have separate counsel.
Cuddy," Stop looking for whatEver you're looking for. For the last month, House has been crowing that you can't work with him because you're just swooning in love."
Stacy, There is nothing approaParkng love in what I feel about him right now.
Cuddy," Well if you can't work with him, it amounts to the same thing."
Stacy, [Sighs.] We had a fight. It's awkward. Why not use another Lawyer?
Cuddy," Because 40% of our lawsuits last year were about House. You can't work with him, you can't work here."
House, She's over-reacting.
Wilson," You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached."
House, So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?
Wilson, [Scores a coin in House's hands.] Yes! And yes.
House, The file got me on the floor of her attic with her pouring out her soul. The only thing I did wrong was get caught. [He tosses the coin and it almost hits Wilson's face.]
Stacy, [Walking into the office carrying a handful of papers.] Where's Chase?
House," He's too busy to service you until after work. I got a couple of minutes though. Feel free to say something like ""What'll we do with the time left over?"" Or you could just stew. That works as well. [He turns to Wilson.] She stews before she gets violent."
Stacy, [Throws the pieces of paper on to the table in front of House.] This one says you're okay with moving the disciplinary hearing to tomorrow. This one says I've advised you of your legal rights.
House," Uh huh, any legal rights I should know about?"
Stacy," Nope. [Angrily tosses her pen on to the table, Wilson winces.]"
House, Great. [To Wilson.] And you thought this was going to be awkward. [He signs the papers.]
Stacy," You shouldn't sign it. Postponing is almost always the smart thing to do. Tempers cool, memories fade."
Chase," They rule on me it's done, right?"
Stacy," Yeah, but!"
Chase, Then let's get it over with. [He signs the paper.]
Stacy, Have you Ever done a peer review before?
Chase, No.
Stacy," Good. Here's a misnomer - these are your bosses. This will cost you some money, some privileges, or it could cost you your career."
Chase, All I can tell them is what happened.
Stacy," There's an objective reality to what happened and that committee is nEver going to know it. All they're going to know is what they picture happened, which depends a little on what you tell them, and a whole lot on HOW you tell them. May 11th."
Chase, Patient presented to the clinic--
Stacy, What's her name?
Chase, It's in the file.
Stacy, Do you know it? [Chase makes a sign saying of course he does.] Then use it.
Chase, Kayla presented to the clinic with multiple joint and stomach pain. Dr Foreman was called in for a neurological consult.
Foreman, Checking your sister's cerebral coordination.
Sam, The thing is in her leg and her stomach. Wait in the clinic for six hours so she can play patty cake?
Foreman, She could have gone to the ER last night.
Sam, Oh yeah? You wanna come over and baby-sit her kids?
Stacy," Ok, Patient comes from a family of jerks, I get it. Can you stick to the medicine?"
Sam, Something wrong?
Chase, There was some uveitis.
Stacy, Meaning?
Chase, Her iris - the color part of her eye - was inflamed.
Stacy, Meaning?
Chase," Worst case, blindness, [He's pouring glasses of water for himself and for Stacy.] but there was an upside. It was weird enough to get House interested."
Cameron," Young Woman, joint pain. Gonorrhea is a possibility."
Foreman, It's pRobably articular; maybe rheumatoid.
Cameron," It's typically small joints, this hit her knee."
Foreman, Takayasu's arthritis.
House, Get a sed rate and serologies. [He keeps struggling as he can't get the lid open.] Parkld proof. How Many kids are hopped up on vicodin?
Foreman, Gimme.
House," Right, like I'd Ever get it back. Chase. [He tosses the bottle to Chase.]"
Stacy, Don't care about the vicodin.
Cameron," Might not just be her arteries, could be all her blood vessels."
Chase," Vasculitis, with stomach pain! so Behcet's."
Foreman," No, she'd have oral sores."
House, Or genital. [To Chase.] Go find them.
Stacy," I thought she was Foreman's Patient, why did you do the exam?"
Foreman, She'd have oral sores.
House, Or genital. Go find them.
House," Whoa, whoa Foreman! Chase can handle the pelvic."
Chase, Any pain? [Kayla nods.] Is it bad? [She looks like she's shaking her head but seems unsure.] This will go a little easier if you talk to me.
Kayla, [Puts her hands down.] I'm sorry. I umm! I just really hate hospitals.
Chase," When I was 12, had my tonsils out. Got to skip school, lots of ice cream; made me want to be a doctor."
Kayla, My mom! died when I was 8 so! I spent months at Princeton General.
Chase, [Checks her file.] She died of DTs? Your mom? [Kayla nods.] Bottles stashed around the House? Mood swings? That whole deal?
Kayla, You've been there?
Chase," My mom. Dad left, mom crawled inside a bottle. Made for a great Yr 12 of high school."
Kayla, You ok with your dad now?
Chase, No.
Stacy, Does your dad have anything to do with this story?
Chase," No, it's just!"
Stacy," Okay, I get it, the two of you bonded, which is why you pRobably haven't been sued. Patients nEver sue doctors they like. But keep it brief, ok? The panel doesn't like to think they're being Manipulated when they're being Manipulated."
Chase, She had some ulceration.
Stacy, Confirming Behcet's?
Chase," I gave her some prednisone, an antacid and I ran a pathergy test on her arm; takes 24 hours to confirm. Told her any doctor could check it out."
Stacy, You didn't make an appointment?
Chase, Nope. She just showed up.
Chase, [On the phone.] Uh huh.
Kayla, Dr. Chase.
Chase," [Putting down the phone, he looks happy and hyped up.] Hi. All right, let's take a look. [Kayla pulls up her sleEve to rEveal a pustule.] Okay, those little pustules mean it's positive. Talk to Nurse Previn; get an appointment with Dr. Broston in rheumatology. Behcet's is very treatable. You're going to be fine."
Kayla, Okay. Thanks.
Stacy, And you were just chatting on the phone to someone and she just happened to run into you.
Chase, That's what happened.
Stacy, No appointment? No real examination?
Chase, Just gave her the test results.
Stacy," So, lower standard of care, you really couldn't be expected to notice there was anything else wrong."
Chase, We didn't Even go into an exam room.
Stacy," [Pause.] As your Lawyer, I can't stop you from lying, I can't Even be in the room, but I would be remiss if I didn't prep you to lie better. [Takes up a piece of paper and hands it over to Chase.] You wrote her a prescription, which means there was an examination. What really happened?"
Chase, I was on the phone.
Kayla, [Walks into the clinic.] Dr. Chase? Hi.
Chase," [Turns around, looks at her blankly.] Hi."
Kayla, Kayla. I'm here for the test! my arm? [She pulls up her sleEve.]
Chase," Oh. [He distractedly puts down the phone.] Oh yeah! umm, okay. [He looks at her arm.] It's positive. Talk to Nurse Previn; get an appointment with Dr. Broston in rheumatology. [He starts to walk out.]"
Kayla, I took that medicine you gave me? But my stomach still hurts.
Chase," [Pauses at the door and turns back looking rather fed up. He digs out his pad and pen and writes her a prescription.] Behcet's can be stronger than we thought, or it could be reflux from the prednisone. This is a stronger antacid. [He starts walking out again.]"
Kayla, Doctor!
Chase, [Turns around.] Yes?
Kayla, [Pauses.] Nothing.
Stacy, You didn't ask her anything about the stomach pain?
Chase, I made one little mistake.
Stacy," As little mistakes go, that was a biggie."
Wilson, She's only advising Chase? Not you?
House, Well what's the committee going to do to me? I haven't Even met this Patient.
Wilson," Your disdain for huMan interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you. You sign the charts, you're responsible for Everything Chase does."
House," Which is why this doesn't matter; she protects Chase, she protects me."
Wilson," Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up. [He fakes a VERY bad Australian accent.] ""I'm so sorry, if only Dr. House had paid attention, he'd nEver Even met her, he nEver does."""
House, Chase loves me. And isn't Turkish.
Wilson, Cameron loves you. Chase loves his job.
House, [Is about to enter an exam room in the clinic.] You really think Stacy hates me that much?
Wilson, I think right now she hates you more than enough. You think emotion only affects doctors' judgments?
Stacy," Everything stems from that one interaction; they're going to slam you on it. Were you distracted? Your pRoblem? Overworked, that's their pRoblem. Forgetful, yours, lazy--"
Chase, I just figured the stomach pain was the Behcet's. Any doctor would have thought the same.
Stacy, Then why did you call her an hour after she left the clinic? Nurse Previn said you asked her to have Kayla come back in.
Chase," The way she hesitated I thought she might have had a doorknob question. [Stacy has no idea what that means.] Patient comes in, says he's got a sniffly nose; you examine him for 10 minutes right? Then you're leaving, hand on the doorknob, and he says ""Oh yeah and my penis has turned green""."
Stacy," Embarrassing question, only important when Patient saves it for last, so you knew she was about to ask the most important question! and you left."
Chase, No. I didn't. I figured it out later.
Stacy, What changed?
Chase, [Shrugs.] Nothing.
Stacy, Bad answer.
Chase, I wasn't thinking clearly at first.
Stacy, Worse answer. What was her doorknob question?
Chase," I figured it might be blood in her stool, which could indiCate a bleeding ulcer."
Chase, [Rushing down the corridor to join them.] Talk to me.
Paramedic," 35-yr-old female vomiting massive amounts of blood. LOC at work, BP 80 over 20, heart rate 140."
Chase, Push fluids?
Paramedic," Three liters in the field, and we're boosting another one right now. It's gotta be a bleeding ulcer, doc. Co-worker says that she's been eating ibuprofens like candy."
Foreman, I thought she had Behcet's.
Paramedic," 1, 2, 3 [Lifts Kayla on to a gurney.]"
Chase," [Prepares a wire and slips it in through Kayla's mouth and into her stomach. We see the camera at the end of the wire move down into her stomach.] I'm in her stomach. There's too much blood, I can't see."
Foreman, She burst an artery?
Chase," [We suddenly see the ulcer on the screen.] No, there. Bubbling, just a bad ulcer. Cauterizing."
Foreman," Can't see, use more saline."
Chase," Hold on! Okay, [Sighs.] looks good."
Chase, Bleeding ulcer. We got it. She was fine 2 hours ago.
Foreman, Systolic BP's 70.
House, Where's the ulcer?
Chase, It's brown. I cauterized it. It must be something else. [He moves the wire around until they see another bleeding ulcer which looks worse than the first.] There.
Foreman, Second ulcer?
House, Not anymore. It perforated.
Chase, Get her to an OR!
Chase, The surgeons were able to suture the perforation. But the contents of the Patient's- [Stacy looks up at him.] Kayla's stomach had spilled into her body. She got septic.
Stacy, Then the infection lowers her blood pressure!
Chase," 50 over palp at one point. It damaged her liver and kidneys. Listen, I know this looks bad, I obviously got the diagnosis wrong but I did Everything by the book. I couldn't have known what was going to happen."
Stacy, If I skip my coffee I get cranky. Do you want anything?
Stacy, Why did Chase screw up?
Cameron," He forgot to ask her a question, does there need to be a reason?"
Stacy, It might help him.
Cameron," As far as I'm concerned, he made a little mistake. It happens."
Stacy, How far are you concerned?
Cameron, You think I'm biased?
Stacy, You're colleagues. You've worked together for over a year. And Everyone says you slept together.
Cameron, [Clears her throat.] Who says?
Stacy," The correct answer is ""We're not involved and I'm not biased""."
Cameron, We're not involved; and I don't know why he messed up. House has worked with him longer than I have. You should talk to House.
Stacy, Yeah. Why did Chase screw up?
Foreman, Because he doesn't give a crap about Patients.
Stacy, Well he always gets positive Patient reviews.
Foreman," Yeah. He smiles all 84 of his teeth, tells them his tonsil story."
Stacy, It's a nice story.
Foreman," He still has his tonsils! As soon as he's out of the room, which is as soon as he can be out of the room, he starts in on the trash talk. Thinks not giving a crap makes him like House. Like it's something to aspire to. [Stacy nods.] Am I going to have to testify?"
Stacy, I won't be encouraging them to call you.
Foreman, What'd House say?
Patient, Two months like this.
House," Let me guess, no insurance, just heard about the free clinic. It's a good move. You don't want to skimp on the essentials like wristwatches, MP3 players!"
Stacy, I need to talk to you.
House, From the doorway?
Stacy, It's confidential.
House, Cool. I love gossip. [He puts the ear pieces of his stethoscope into the Patient's ears and lets the Patient hear his own lungs.] Hear that crackling sound like crumpling up paper? Keep listening. Let me know if it changes.
Stacy, Two questions. Why did Chase screw up and how bad was it?
House, Wow. Talk about efficient. I only need one answer - Chase didn't screw up.
Stacy, He said he did.
House," Well I'm not a Lawyer, but that seems like a sucky legal strategy."
Stacy, They're gonna wanna know what you think a reasonable doctor would have done in Chase's position.
House," If I thought he was a 'reasonable' doctor, I wouldn't have hired him."
Stacy, God you two are a couple of geniuses. Deny Everything; completely fool the Lawyer who's trying to help you. Too bad the review committee members are actually doctors.
House, Stacy.
Chase," I'm in her stomach. There's too much blood, I can't see."
Foreman, She burst an artery?
Chase," No. There. Bubbling, just a bad ulcer. Okay, cauterizing; looks good."
Chase," Bleeding ulcer, we've got it. She was fine 2 hours ago."
House," If by 'fine', you mean she had fountains of blood spurting out of Every orifice then yeah, I beliEve you."
House, I'm guessing those are celebratory bells.
Foreman, Systolic BP's 70.
House, Show me the ulcer.
Chase, It's brown. I cauterized it.
House," Sweep back, show me the whole stomach. [Chase sweeps the camera back.] Stop."
Foreman, Second ulcer?
House, Not anymore. It perforated.
Chase, Get her to an OR!
Foreman, Let's go. [The nurses wheel Kayla after him.]
House, She was not fine 2 hours ago. She mentioned stomach pain?
Chase," Yeah, so I gave her a stronger--"
House, You didn't do an exam.
Chase, She just came in for a follow-up. The results of the pathergy test.
House, Did you listen to her stomach? Check her vitals?
Chase," Maybe if she'd said something about taking ibuprofen, mentioned the rectal bleeding!"
House," Yeah, why didn't she go to med school like you did?! Diarrhea! Blood in the stool! These are routine questions--"
Chase, Doctors skip all the time! It was a minor mistake; I couldn't have known this was going to happen--
House, Mistakes are as serious as the results they cause! This Woman could die because you were too lazy to ask one simple question!
Chase, She might die because I had the bad luck to spill your damn vicodin pills!
House," And I responded with a number of trenchant remarks which made Chase cry, none of which I'm going to testify about."
House, Unless you convince Chase to roll on me.
Patient," Excuse me, testify about what?"
House," Uhh! [Checks the Patient's file.] Chuck. I'm going to break from the parable of the wicked doctor and tell a little story about a Patient. Let's call him! Buck, who has low O2 stats and crackling lung sounds."
Chuck, Like I have?
House," Buck has idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. His lung tissue's turning to rock. There's no known cause, no treatment. He is slowly suffocating."
Chuck, You're talking about me?
House," Lung transplant's about a half a million dollars, but this poor sucker's got no insurance. If he tried to sign up now, he'd be excluded, pre-existing condition. But let me confirm with my Lawyer [He turns to Stacy who doesn't respond.]. She confirms. If only Buck hadn't been diagnosed with fibrosis before he got insurance. So... back to the exam."
Stacy, That's how you tell this guy he's dying?
House," Oh relax. He's got a cold, and soon, health insurance."
Stacy, Such a hero; always righting wrongs. Who cares who you have to Manipulate.
House, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you and Buck were so close. [Walks out of the exam room.]
Stacy, It's a point of principle.
House, Right. It's got nothing to do with what I did to you.
Stacy, There's nothing for us to talk about.
House, [Takes some lollipops from the clinic counter and puts them in his pocket.] That's why you're following me. I read some notes--
Stacy, If Chase screwed up--
House," I was wrong. Terribly, terribly, sorry."
Stacy," If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?"
House, He has great hair.
Stacy, [Grabbing on to House's arm to stop him from walking away.] What are you hiding?
House," I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers..."
Stacy," Diarrhea, blood in the stool. Two simple questions you could have asked her six months ago and averted this whole thing. You didn't ask either, why?"
Chase," [Rolling up his shirtsleEves.] Judging from your question, and your demeanour, I assume you were visiting with House. Been over this, I don't know."
Stacy, Good doctors don't make mistakes--
Chase," Good doctors nEver forget to ask questions? Then you've got your answer, apparently I'm not a good doctor!"
Stacy, FYI self-pity generally is not a good strategy in these hearings. What happened after the operation?
Cameron, The kidney damage isn't so bad. The liver damage is more worrisome. There's no dialysis for livers.
Sam," I know, but if she loses her liver she can get a transplant, right?"
Chase, We can put her on a list.
Sam, I could do it. I could give her part of my liver.
Cameron, Surgeons won't operate unless the donor's had a long time to weigh the decision.
Sam, There's black markets.
Cameron, Those organs--
Kayla, Ooh! ohhh my stomach!
Chase, The pain constant?
Kayla, Ohhh! oh yeah!
Chase, Sharp or dull?
Kayla, Oh I don't know!
Chase, It's bad.
Cameron, It's a little cold. Appendicitis?
Chase," No, it's a clot."
Cameron, Nurse! Call the OR; we've got to prep her for an embolectomy.
Chase," A CBC, PT and a liver panel. [He calls out over Kayla's moans of pain.]"
Chase," Sepsis had lowered her BP so much she got clots in her liver. They blocked the hepatic artery, cut off the blood flow. Her liver was shocked."
Stacy, And Cuddy listed her? With all the other pRoblems?
Cuddy, Forget it. We can't give a liver to a Woman this sick.
House, Do you listen to what you're saying?
Cuddy, There is no point in giving a new liver to somebody who also has vasculitis.
Chase, Treatable.
Cuddy, And kidney damage.
Chase, It's healing.
House," You know what's really killing her? Chase forgot to ask a standard question about stomach pain, so he missed the diagnosis, so she perforated, so she got sepsis, so her BP tanks, so she got blood clots, so she lost her liver. [Chase is facepalming and looking very dejected.] Livers are important, Cuddy; can't live without them, hence the name. And here's the big issue, Chase is a hospital employee, and Kayla is the sympathetic mother of those 2 jury-friendly moppets Caleb and Cody."
Chase, Dory and Nicky.
Cuddy," Your point, beyond just trying to make Chase wet himself seems to be that the hospital faces liability here. Well thanks for clearing that up. I still need a medical reason to list her."
House, That is a medical reason! [Cuddy's confused.] The family wins this hospital in a lawsuit; they'll turn it into condos. And people will die waiting outside a condo for medical care.
Cuddy, Start praying for a 12-car pile-up on the turnpike 'cause we're not exactly swimming in livers over here. [She signs the paper.]
Stacy," When you're testifying, skip the details on how House convinced Cuddy. I don't think the people who got bumped down the transplant list need to know why."
Chase, It didn't matter anyway.
Sam, She next on the list?
Chase, Yes.
Foreman, But she's AB negative. Very rare.
Sam, How long can she go on like this?
Foreman, PRobably another day or two.
Sam, [Takes a file out of his backpack.] I'm donating my liver.
Chase," Sam, we've talked about this."
Sam, I'm a perfect match; 6 out of 6 HLA proteins.
Foreman, How'd you get checked out so fast?
Sam, I know a guy in medical testing and I paid him to rush it.
Stacy, Sam bribed someone to rush his test?
Chase, Wouldn't you?
Stacy," Someone's going to get the blame for what happened, so the more we spread it around... might as well--- you said no surgeon would do a live donor transplant on such short notice."
Chase, House took care of that too.
AyersMan, Your Patient's hardly clotting.
House, Sub-Q vitamin K and fresh frozen plasma pre-op.
AyersMan, Pretty risky.
House, Well that's why I came to the best transplant surgeon in the hospital. She's dead without you.
AyersMan, [Smiles.] Get her in this afternoon.
House, [Sighs.] Thank you very much.
AyersMan, My pleasure.
Stacy," And this was right before you ran the marathon, I suppose?"
House," Was it the part where he warmly clasped my hands in thanks, was that too much?"
Stacy, What'd you do to him?
House," The hospital Lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I tell is the hospital Lawyer, especially since she's gone all 'old testament' on me."
Stacy, You'll tell me.
House," Oh. Ok then. One caveat, I've moved past threesomes. I'm now into foursomes. If someone backs out then you've still got a threesome. [Stacy's glaring at House at this point.] If two people back out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed. Even if three people--"
Stacy," Anything you say is attorney-client. So you can get advice about the bad, bad thing you did, knowing I'll be tortured because I can't tell a soul."
House," [He winks.] Actually, it is kinda cool."
AyersMan," Are you completely out of your mind? She's dying on her own, why would I volunteer to be her executioner? [House hands him an envelope.] I'd just be inviting a lawsuit from the brother, no matter what! [He opens the envelope, there's money inside.]"
House," 5 grand. And that's just ante money. After the surgery, you get another 15. Though I warn you, that includes the tip."
AyersMan, [Laughs scornfully.] I make 600 grand a year; you think I'm going to risk tanking my percentages for 20 thousand? [He throws the envelope down on the table.]
House, [Shrugs.] It's tax free.
AyersMan," For the record, I hope the department takes you and Chase and drop-kicks both your asses out the back door."
House," [Nods.] Great; [He pockets the envelope.] means I don't have to bother welshing on the 15 grand I would have owed you. If you don't do the surgery, [He starts to walk away.] I'm going to tell your wife that you've been sleeping with a series of nurses. Currently Nurse Cutler in Radiology. Now what's 600 grand divided by two?"
House," Last Christmas party, Nurse Cutler handed you one of those little hotdogs. And you didn't thank her. Well that only happens when you're very, very intimate. That and the fact that you've been practically dancing around with your zipper open, used condom stuck in your shoe. [He walks over to pick up a sweet in a bowl nonchalantly.] Your wife is apparently the only one who doesn't know."
AyersMan, There is no way you'll tell her.
House," Of course I won't. I'm much too cowardly. [AyersMan looks defeated.] No, I'd just send an anonymous letter. Now I've uh... I've got an OR booked for 4 this afternoon. Are you free? [Eats the sweet.]"
House," Hmm. Oh, and for the record, you are the worst transplant surgeon in this hospital. But unfortunately, you're the only one who's currently cheating on his wife. [He walks out, passing by the figures of himself and Stacy watParkng the scene.]"
Stacy, You bribed him and then you blackmailed him?!
House, She'd have been dead in 2 days if I hadn't made AyersMan do the surgery.
Stacy, Leave the blackmail out of the story you tell the committee.
House, Tried to leave it out of the story I told you.
Stacy, And then there was that incident in the Parking lot.
AyersMan," Hey now! Don't do that! Hey what are you nuts?! Please, please! I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!"
House," Apparently, someone sent an anonymous letter to his wife."
Stacy, You blackmailed AyersMan before he performed the surgery and then you ratted him out anyway?!
House," Doesn't seem fair, does it?"
Stacy," You just can't control yourself, can you? No matter how stupid, how self-destructive--"
House," To make this conversation easier, can we discard the fiction that we're talking about anything other than what I did to you? You're not mad because I broke into your psyParkatrist's office."
Stacy," Yeah, I was thrilled about that."
House," Okay, it was a lousy thing to do, but if what I'd found was that Everything was all kittens and moonbeams in Markville, you'd be over it."
Stacy, No I wouldn't!
House," You're mad at me for letting you know what I did because you liked where things were going. And for that I actually am sorry. It was stupid. [Stacy turns and leaves, House throws his head back and looks fairly heartbroken and dejected.]"
House," Let me tell you a story about a Patient; [He takes the earpieces out of her ears.] the Patient we'll call, [He checks her file.] Fusan."
Chase," Because Sam had rushed his tests, we were able to get them into surgery that afternoon. Dr AyersMan performed the live donor transplant. He resected the right lobe, hepatic vein, and hepatic artery of Sam's liver, and transplanted it into Kayla. The operation was a success. Kayla and Sam continued to receive routine care. [Chase is observing the operation from the observation deck.]"
Chase," Two months later, she came by for an exam."
Stacy," July 24th, be precise. You did the exam?"
Chase," Honestly, I just wanted to--"
Stacy, Honestly? So you've been lying up until now?
Chase," Let's make a deal. I won't use the word 'honestly', and you'll quit stopping by to see House so you don't take it out on me afterwards, how about that? [Stacy narrows her eyes.] I wanted to be as far away from Kayla as possible, but House was rubbing my nose in it."
Chase, How are the girls?
Kayla," They're great. Dory had her first crush, which was cute."
Chase, Oh yeah? [Measures her temperature through her ear.]
Kayla," And then her first sort of break up, which was not so cute."
Chase, You're hot. 99.3 [Checks the pulse in her throat.] You been coughing?
Kayla, No.
Chase, Pain in urinating?
Kayla," No. 99's not that high, is it?"
Chase," Immunosuppressants block fEvers; you shouldn't have one at all. I'm sending a nurse in here to draw cultures, and I'm ordering a chest x-ray."
Chase, I wasn't making any more mistakes.
Stacy, Another phrase to avoid in front of the committee.
Chase, She spikes a fEver an hour later.
Foreman, Her AST and ALT are up. She's rejecting the liver.
Chase," No, it's just an infection. One of our cultures is growing a strep."
Cameron, Just one? PRobably a contaminant.
Chase," She's dehydrated, her hematocrit's way up, it's strep!"
Foreman, Transaminases are up too.
Chase, It's just stress from the strep.
House," Please, Chase, you and this strep. Get a room already."
Chase," She's not rejecting the liver! It's just an infection, she'll be fine."
Cameron, Worst case we could re-list her.
Sam, [Points at House] You House?
House, Umm... well that depends. Are you going to hit [Goes to stand next to Foreman and points at him.] Dr. House? [Foreman looks at House and House stops pointing with an innocent expression on his face.]
Sam, You haven't Even seen my sister and you're being cute with me?
Chase," Sam, we're talking about her right now. Her fEver might--"
Sam," Could be Hep B, Hep C, right? It's treatable. You give her interferon, she's ok. Right?"
House, You know a lot about hepatitis.
Cameron, He just donated his liver.
House, You're flushed. You sick?
Sam, I'm tired.
House, You're hiding the fact that you're sick. Now why would you do that? [He grabs Sam's right arm which has two tattoos on the forearm.]
Sam," Hey, wait, what are you!"
House," Now either you specifically asked for a tattoo of a heart that's been left out in the sun too long, or that is a really bad home job. It's a very common way of getting Hep C, which you have. You've had it a long time."
Sam, [Looking guilty. Ducklings look shocked.] It was going to keep me from giving my liver.
Foreman, You paid off that lab tech to say you were clean?!
Sam, It hasn't been active in years. She was going to die if I--
House, [Sarcastic.] You paid someone off? That is TOTALLY unethical! Get an MRI for him and his sister right now.
Sam," She got Hep from me, didn't she?"
House," No! No, no, no, God no! [Serious.] I think she got cancer from you."
Stacy, House was right? [She sounds a little too impressed at that.]
Chase, Brother had an undiagnosed hepatoma that was transplanted with his liver. Grew a lot faster in Kayla because she was immunosuppressed.
Stacy, How could House have known?
Chase," Hepatitis can cause liver cancer. Plus her hematocrit, red blood cell count was high. Usually means dehydration, rare cases - cancer. We pRobably saved Sam's life."
Chase, We were able to operate on him early enough before it metastasized.
Chase, Kayla had already started rejecting the liver.
Stacy, And you couldn't re-list her because of the cancer.
Chase, Nothing we could do.
Stacy," This is good; the brother lying about his Hep. It's an intervening act, the proximate cause of her cancer and not your mistake."
Chase, She would have died six months ago if he hadn't given up his liver.
Stacy, Maybe. Can't prove it. [Stacy's beeper goes off.] You need to come with me.
Cuddy," Just been served with papers. Actually paper; one page. [She reads it.] Defendant Princeton-Plainsboro hospital and Dr Chase; blah, blah, blah. Medical malpractice, negligence; blah, blah."
House, You're surprised they're suing? You think people love Chase so much they're gonna just forgo--
Cuddy, Punitive damages in the amount of 10 million dollars. [Passes the paper to Stacy.]
Stacy, Punitives?! That means they're alleging gross negligence.
Chase, Well he's obviously out of his mind!
Stacy, Larry Wusekus. He's not crazy.
House, Ooh! I've been sued by him.
Stacy, You have been hiding things and lying to me all day!
House, I haven't lied about anything. Except for the parts that I admitted I was lying about. And I'm not the one being sued. I feel funny. [He walks around to stand beside Cuddy behind her desk.]
Stacy, [Sighs.] Well what haven't you told us?
Chase," [Sighs.] Before she checked out, Sam found her a second liver."
Cuddy," She had cancer, how could she--"
Chase, Black market. There was a doctor in Mexico City who was going to do the surgery.
Chase, She's leaving from JFK at 5.
Foreman, To meet some Mexican guy in the back of a van with a pig's liver and a hacksaw?! This is nuts!
Chase, You want to rat me out to House? He'll say if there's a chance in a billion then go for it.
Cameron, This is not what she wants!
Foreman, She's being Manipulated by a morally guilty brother and a legally guiltier doctor.
Chase, You think she wants to die?
Cameron, She's dying either way.
Foreman," Chase. How Many people you know walking around with a black market organ from a third world surgeon, huh? This isn't going to be your salvation! It's just one more thing they'll pin on you! Go in there, be the good guy."
Chase, We need to talk.
Sam," No, there's no time."
Chase," Two minutes. Kayla, I made a mistake. I wasn't as blunt as I should have been about your odds. PRobably didn't want to face it myself."
Sam," Dr. Chase, please don't do this."
Chase," Stress of the travel, the operation, Even then, the cancer."
Sam," Kayla, we are going!"
Chase," My dad died. Lung cancer. I saw him a couple of months before it happened, we nEver talked about it."
Sam," I'm sorry your father died, but it has nothing--"
Chase," [Not paying any attention to Sam.] He nEver Even told me he was sick. I wish he had. It wou-- [He stops and takes a deep breath.] You're gonna die. Alone. Thousand of miles from your Parkldren, you don't want to do that to them."
Sam, Kayla!
Kayla, [Whispers.] I'm sorry Sam.
Sam," Kayla, you can't give up; if you do this, if you go home... I killed you."
Kayla," [Shakes her head.] No. You gave me 3 months. You gave Dory and Nicky 3 more months with me. And when they found my cancer, they found yours; and I got to save my baby brother."
Chase," A week later, Kayla died at home. Sam was furious. Gotta be why the big lawsuit."
Cuddy, Are you buying this?!
Stacy, Of course not; there was no illegal transplant. There's no causation.
Chase, He was ready to kill me! Maybe he's lying to his Lawyers.
Stacy," Or you're lying to us. Last Thursday he saw you for post-op care. If you hate your doctor, you find another doctor before you find a Lawyer. This guy didn't sue Cameron or Foreman. He didn't Even sue House. Something personal here, something you don't want us to know before your hearing. The guy didn't hate you before that meeting, he hated you after."
Chase, So how's Everything else? The girls?
Sam," Ah, you know... a lot of crying, some nightmares. [Chase finishes the check-up; Sam sits up and buttons up his shirt.] We'll be ok though."
Chase, Good.
Sam," Girls are not going to be happy about leaving town though. They love that House, the yard, their friends."
Chase, You're moving?
Sam," Ever since the operation I've been on disability and there's the mortgage so! moving out of state somewhere cheaper. Anyways, thanks. [He shakes hands with Chase. As he starts to walk out--]"
Chase, I killed your sister. I misdiagnosed her ulcer. Killed her.
Sam," Shut up Man. She liked you, just--"
Chase," I was hung-over when she came back to see me. I'd been up half the night drinking, had a headache and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Couldn't have cared less what your sister was saying about her stomach pain."
House, May I speak to my future former employee?
House, Great story.
Chase, You think I'm lying? It's exactly what I told him.
House, I'm sure it is. But you lied to him. You want him to sue you.
Chase, I killed his sister!
House, I ordered black coffee this morning and got cream. Everybody screws up.
Chase, They didn't put poison in your coffee.
House, I've seen you hung-over. You weren't the day you blew his sister's diagnosis.
Chase, What does it matter why? Is she less dead if I have a good excuse?
House," If I thought you'd screwed up because you were drunk, I would have fired you."
Chase, You knew?
House, You were depressed and distracted. I assumed you'd gotten a phone call from your stepmom.
Chase," [On the phone.] This is Robert. [He starts to get visibly distressed.] Umm! what did he die of? [Pause.] That's impossible. I saw him two months ago, if he had lung cancer, he would have! [He doesn't bother to Even say goodbye as he takes the phone away from his ear, his eyes start to fill with tears.]"
Kayla, [From behind him.] Dr. Chase?
House," Good news is, both your parents are dead now so! no reason to screw up this bad again."
Chase, How'd you know?
House," There's this interconnected network of computers, or interweb where you can--"
Chase, How did you know to look?
House, [Sighs.] When he visited he told me he only had two months left. When you screwed up I did the math.
Chase, Why didn't you tell me he was dying?
House, He asked me not to.
Chase, [Getting angry.] So you just hung me out there to be blindsided.
House," [Softly.] Yeah Chase, it was all my fault. Look, you got a choice. You can either tell the truth, hospital settles, family gets some money, they get to keep their House. Or you can keep up this lie, family gets punitive damages, they buy a jet, they move to Park Avenue, and you have to find another career."
Chase, You're not going to say anything?
House," I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Legally, it's better for me if you go down in flames."
Stacy, Is Chase telling the committee about his dad?
House, I don't know. I thought you were going to get him to sell me out.
Stacy, I wouldn't do that.
House, Why not?
Stacy, You're my client too.
House," Yeah. And that's not going to change unless you leave this job. Or I do. So how do you deal with a coworker that you have feelings for - positive or negative. I don't want to end up like Chase, I don't want to get emotionally caught up and kill! you."
Stacy, It's not all negative.
Stacy, Maybe you were right... maybe that is the pRoblem.
House, So what do we do?
Stacy, [She shakes her head.] I don't know.
Doctor, Dr. House.
Head Doc," After considering the testimonial and documentary evidence, this ad hoc committee in the matter of Kayla McGinley has reached a decision. Dr. Chase, your error resulted in a Patient's death. You also lied, both to your superiors and the Patient's brother. But taking into account the mitigating factor of your father's death, we've decided not to revoke your privileges. You'll receive one week's suspension and a letter in your perManent file. [Chase looks reliEved.] Now as for Dr. House! there is no evidence of a failure to supervise that would lead to disciplinary action. And yet, there is enough in the record to be very troubled by your conduct, [House starts to look up in surprise.] including certain allegations of blackmail [He rolls his eyes.] from members of the transplant team and by your general refusal to meet with your Patients. It should be noted that your Patient's cancer was diagnosed as the result of a direct physical examination of---"
House," Not of the Patient, I met the brother. NEver met her. You want me to go to a family reunion Every time I take on a Patient?"
Head Doc," The committee has determined that for no less than one month, Dr. House will have his practice supervised by another doctor, to be designated by Dr. Cuddy. This proceeding is adjourned."
House, [To Cuddy.] Did you know this was coming?
Cuddy, They contacted me about an hour ago.
Cameron, What's happening to Chase?
House, [To Chase as he walks in.] Now you're fired!
Foreman," No, he's not."
Cuddy," Dr. House, meet your new boss."
Wilson, [Pointing to Foreman.] Guess I'm his best friend now.
[Scene, A snowy Off-Track Betting parlor.]
Race announcer," !Calamari is still in the lead but Ample Parking is making strides he is now in fourth, third, and holding second place while Blue Calamari is at a steady speed! [Camera pans to see House watParkng the monitor.] !And down the stretch they come! Ample Parking comes from behind and it's Ample Parking by a nose! [House looks disappointed.] This is the last call for the third race. You may still wager if you hurry. Here's your information on race number three!"
House," Out of the way, cripple coming through."
Man in line in front of House," Um, sixth race at Golden Downs; I'll take the two and the four. Hey, that's my birthday! February 4th, 1963, you think that's a good bet? What's your birthday?"
House," Take your time, don't worry that there's only thirty seconds to post."
Man," Is there any way I can bet on the six and the three also? You know, for the year? All four horses, can I do that? [A Woman comes up to talk to the teller.]"
Anica," He wants a $2 exactabox, 2, 4, 6, 3. Give him $24. [The Man fishes for money as Anica winks at House.] Your turn."
House," Ninth at Gulf Street and Park; five hundred on the 3 horse, Seminole Uprising to win."
Anica, Might as well burn your money.
House, I'll burn my winnings. Bigger flame.
Race announcer," Ladies and gentlemen, they're at the post. The flag is up."
Anica, Same race. Termigator to win. [House moves to a monitor.]
Race announcer, And they're off!
Teller," Sorry, race just closed."
Anica," Damn it! She was 14 to 1, too."
House," Well, fat ass over there just saved you money."
Anica," No way Seminole Uprising's going to ""�"
House," I don't bet on the horses, I bet on the jocks. My rider's bulimic; purges after his weigh-ins; leaves a two pound pile at the starting gate, shaves valuable time off that final eighth."
Anica," Nice to have inside information. [Anica collapses, but House is busy watParkng the race.]"
House," Is anybody here a doctor? [Anica is seizing, and one Man straddles her and prepares to start CPR.] You trying to cop a feel?"
Man, I took a CPR class at the Y.
House, That would be useful if she was having a heart attack instead of a seizure.
Man, Seizure? Hold her tongue down?
House, If you want to get a finger bitten off. Call an ambulance.
Man," Methodist is three blocks down, I could drive her."
House," Just make the call. [House sees something interesting, and pulls up Anica's shirt slightly to see very discolored stretch marks/bruises.]"
Man, What the hell is that?
House, How should I know? Tell the paramedics to take her to Princeton-Plainsboro. The doctor's name is House.
Race announcer, And it's Termigator winning by two lengths!
Cameron, Since when does House hang out at OTB?
Foreman, The Man's an addict.
Chase," Right, but addicted to pills, not gambling."
Foreman," It's the same thing! Drug abuse, drinking, gambling ""� they all fire up the same pleasure centers in the brain. An addict is an addict is ""�"
Chase, Gambling doesn't take away his pain. [House enters.]
House," It does when I win. [He throws a chart on the table.] Hot OTB babe, has grand mal and inexplicable bruising. What up with that?"
Cameron, You were just standing there and she started to seize?
House," Spend as much time around the real people as I do, someone gets sick."
Foreman," Her platelets are 89, she's anemic, and she has a blood alcohol lEvel of 0.13."
Chase," Hot OTB babe? Obviously a working girl, pRobably an STD, infection."
House," No fEver, no infection."
Foreman," Alcohol abuse explains it all. Causes seizures and affects her blood's ability to clot, which causes bruising. Start her on heparin, she'll be fine by morning."
House," Except for the fact that the bruises are not peteParkal, which means it's not DIC."
Foreman," So the bruises were caused by trauma. She pRobably got beat up by a boyfriend, or a pimp."
House, What's that called when you Judge someone before Ever meeting them?
Foreman, She's a regular at OTB. Somehow I don't see her holding down a 9-to-5 and going to PTA meetings.
House, I was there. I have a 9-to-3 job.
Cameron," It could be SLE, Familial Telangiectasia, or Even Cushing's."
House, Good. Start with those.
Cameron, Which one?
House, Cushing's. Explains the seizure and the bruising.
Foreman, Not the anemia.
House, So she doesn't eat a lot of meat.
Foreman," DIC brought on by alcohol abuse is far more likely. Do a full workup, H and P, and lab her up, LP, MRI ""� [He starts to leave.]"
House," Whoa, whoa, whoa! Did you just, Ever so subtly, order me to get her medical history?"
Foreman," Cuddy put me in charge last week, so yeah."
House," It was a pretend ""in charge""�, formality to get past the suits in Legal."
Cuddy," Right, those licensing board folk love to play dress-up and pretend."
Foreman," Hey, no worries. I'll let you keep your Parking space."
House, You can have it. You'll also need my handicap placard. Bend over.
Cuddy," Well, you make a pretty convincing argument."
House," Chase killed that Woman, now Foreman's in charge?"
Cuddy," Yeah, we have a pecking order here: if Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. There's a flowchart in the lobby. For the next three weeks you answer directly to Dr. Foreman."
Foreman," And I expect you here for grand rounds at nine. By the way, I like sugar in my coffee."
Cuddy," [To Foreman.] If there's a screw-up, it's your screw-up. You won't have Dr. House to fall back on."
Anica," ""Do you wear a seatbelt?""� Is that really relevant to a seizure?"
House, Skip it.
Anica," How about, ""Were you vaccinated for polio?""� I think you gave me the form intended for FDR."
House, [Looking at races.] Will I like Teeny Tiny Moe in the fifth?
Anica," I went 4 for 6 yesterday. You want winners, cure me first. ""Are you generally satisfied with your life?""�"
House," It does not ask that. [It does, and he puts the form aside.]"
Anica, You know; I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor. Somehow that question doesn't seem relevant anymore.
House, What's your excuse?
Anica, Turns me on.
House," Yeah? What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know."
Anica, No sex; just moved here. Haven't Even found a job yet. Don't know anybody.
House," Came here without a job. That means you didn't move here, you moved away from somewhere else. [He pokes at the marks on her torso.] Does that hurt?"
Anica, No.
House, Are you on prescription meds? Hormones? Prednisone?
Anica, I already answered that one; I think it was question number 20-something.
House," Well yeah, and I could reach down and get it, but that would kinda spoil the whole ""cool move.""�"
Anica, I'm not on any medications.
House, You vegetarian?
Anica," No, why?"
House," Because you might have something called Cushing's syndrome, which basically means that ""�"
Anica," My pituitary is overproducing ACTH, which is causing my adrenal glands to push too much cortisol into my bloodstream."
House," What a coincidence. I'm a doctor, too."
Anica," Yeah, I had it last year. They did brain surgery, removed an adenoma from my pituitary."
House," Huh? What did you just say? ""You were right, House, her pituitary tumor regrew, it is Cushing's, uncanny how you do that!.""�"
Foreman," Actually, it was Cameron's idea."
House," Nope, Cameron had three ideas. I chose one to encourage, to nurture ""�"
Foreman," Yeah, you're all about the nurturing."
House, You need a hug?
Foreman, I don't see any regrowth. You get her medical records faxed over?
House," ""Work smart, not hard,""� that's my philosophy, boss."
Foreman," Take that as a no. Anica, I need you to stay completely still."
Anica, Sorry.
Foreman, Still don't see anything.
House," Okay, so it's a micro-adenoma, too small to see."
Foreman, So small it's not Even there.
House," Right, it's just a coincidence that I predicted a rare condition that she happened to have a year ago."
Foreman, Results from her LP back yet?
House, Didn't do an LP. Knew what she had. [Foreman stops the test.]
Foreman, Go do the LP.
House," Okay, I need you to roll over on your side, kiss your kneecaps."
Anica, Party time. I thought it only took one doctor to do this.
Cameron, I'm observing.
House, She's here to make sure I don't paralyze you.
Anica," You've done this before, right?"
House, Successfully?
Cameron, He's kidding. He's an excellent doctor.
House," I'm gonna numb the area with some lidocaine, and then we're off to the races! See what I did there? I used horse racing jargon to make the Patient feel more comfortable. Okay, here we go. [He inserts the needle, Anica starts and gasps.]"
Anica, Ow.
House, Felt like bone. Does that hurt?
Anica, A little bit. What are you doing? Owwww.
Cameron, Trying rounding your back a bit more.
House," You're perfect just the way you are. Oops, that was all me."
Anica, Ow.
Cameron, You might want to move down one vertebra.
House, This is actually much harder than I remember.
Anica, Uhhh. My chest feels a little tight.
Cameron," Try taking a deep breath. Dr. House, maybe I should take it from here."
House, Eighth time's the charm. [Anica cries out again.]
Cameron," You trying to piss off Foreman, huh?"
House," Just let ""� [Alarm beeps.]"
Cameron, BP's 240 over 140.
House," Turn that thing off, will you?"
Cameron, Take the needle out. Take the needle out!
House," Okay. [To nurse.] It's a hypertensive crisis. Start her on IV low pressure drip, titrate to systolic less than 140, she'll be fine. Cameron, meet me in my office."
House," At the risk of sounding redundant, and right, again, she has Cushing's. Cushing's."
Foreman," Right, the fact that you Mangled her LP has nothing to do with it."
House," Actually, it has Everything to do with it. Cushing's plus stress equals hypertensive crisis. Smart move, sending the rookie."
Foreman, Her initial symptoms could have been caused by alcohol-induced DIC. She had a hypertensive crisis because it's been at least six hours since she had her last drink. She's detoxing.
House, The exact same moment that I'm futilely trying to give her an LP?
Foreman," Right, an invisible tumor on her pituitary is much more likely."
Chase, What if the tumor is somewhere else? There could be an ACTH-secreting tumor on her lung or pancreas.
Cameron, It's awfully rare.
Chase, Not as rare as an invisible tumor.
House," Why didn't they put you in charge instead of Foreman? Oh yeah, you're the guy that killed that Woman. Get a pan-Man scan before she dies of cortisol OD. [He makes a begging, pleading face to Foreman.]"
Foreman," Fine, do it. But when you don't find anything, put her on a Librium taper for the withdrawal and get her a bed in the rehab clinic."
Chase, Lungs look clean. Pilar lymph nodes not enlarged.
Cameron, Cuddy tapped Foreman to run the department. I didn't Even get asked.
Chase, Neither did I.
Cameron, You were suspended.
Chase, I was kidding.
Cameron," It's the irony of women in charge; they don't like other women in charge. [Chase scoffs.] What, you think it's something else?"
Chase," You sabotaged yourself. You went on a date with House, you slept with me. Putting you in charge of this department is like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen."
Cameron," Yeah, they're really worried that I'm going to create a hostile work environment."
Chase, Maybe that's the pRoblem. Being in charge means having to say no to House. Would you hire you for that?
Foreman, You ordered MRIs for the entire maternity ward?
House, I was in a crazy mood. Good thing I got a new boss to back me up. Although I think one of those is actually necessary. Better comb through before you cancel them all. [Foreman turns off the TV.]
Foreman," What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?"
House," Actually, I expect you to act like what you are, my employee, my subordinate, my bitch."
Foreman," Well, since you asked nicely!"
House," My God, I can't beliEve I got more than a year behind on my discharge summaries. Gotta get caught up. Oh no, wait! I'm not authorized to sign these anymore! Only you are."
Foreman, Keep it coming. I'm not gonna break. [Chase and Cameron enter.]
Cameron, Scans showed a mass on her pancreas.
Chase," Looks malignant, pRobably inoperable. I'd give her two months."
House," On the bright side, it still means I was right."
Anica, Where's Dr. House?
Cameron, Dr. Foreman's overseeing your case. He thought it'd be best if I spoke with you. We found a mass in your pancreas. It looks like cancer.
Anica, So something in my pancreas caused me to have a seizure?
Cameron," PRobably, but the bigger point is a one-year survival rate for pancreatic cancer is less than 20%."
Anica, So what's the treatment? [Eerily calm.]
Cameron, We need to biopsy the mass to see what we're dealing with. Then we can recommend options from there.
Anica, Sounds good.
Cameron, I need your consent to do the biopsy. [Anica signs.] Thanks.
Anica, Wish me luck.
Cameron, Good luck.
Cameron, It was weird. She barely reacted at all.
Wilson, I've had people hug me and people take a swing at me.
Cameron, This was more like she didn't Even hear me.
Chase, Magnify three times.
Wilson, House assisting. That is funny. Too bad Foreman's gonna die.
House," Good afternoon. I'm going to be looking at your ""� Perfect. Excuse me. [Picks up phone.] Need Dr. Foreman in Exam Room 1 for a consult. So when did this start?"
Woman, A couple weeks ago. I didn't want to get pregnant. Jake's not into rubbers so I got on the jelly. You think I'm allergic or something?
House, You have an infection. Gonna need a sample.
Woman, I brought the jar.
House," No, I meant a sample of your ""� [He looks up to see her holding a bottle of strawberry jelly. [Oh boy.] Okay, we have a neurological pRoblem here."
Woman, There's something wrong with my brain?
House," Oh yeah. You can cover yourself up, got what I need. [Foreman enters.]"
Foreman, What's up?
House," Smell this. [He waves the swab in Foreman's face.] Smells like vaginosis, but it's not really my call."
Foreman," Great, I'll be sure to put a gold star by your name on the board. Anica's biopsy for pancreatic cancer was negative. [He leaves.]"
House," Okay, I'm gonna give you some antibiotics, and you pRobably shouldn't have sex for awhile."
Woman, How long?
House," On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forEver."
Chase, The mass in the pancreas is benign; it's pRobably just scar tissue.
Foreman," Good news, she's not sick at all. Other than being an alcoholic."
House," The labs you sent yesterday put her ACTH at 64 picograms per milliliter. She's got Cushing's, something set it off. It's gotta be in her brain, set her up for a venous sampling. [Chase starts to leave.]"
Cameron, There is another possibility.
Foreman," Chase, hold on. [Chase stops.]"
House, How'd you get him trained so fast? Electronic collar? Got treats in your pocket?
Cameron, She didn't Even read the consent form for the pancreatic biopsy.
Chase, Who reads those things?
Cameron, Maybe she didn't read it because she knew there was nothing wrong with her. There is another explanation for the Cushing's; maybe she injected herself with the ACTH. Her behavior suggests Munchausen's. She's had four hospitalizations in the last four months.
House," Well, being hospitalized a lot certainly points to nothing being wrong with you."
Cameron, She's had zero symptoms since she got here. The scarring on her pancreas could be caused by injecting herself with a benzene and setting off the seizures.
House, She's had brain surgery. You can fake a stomach ache; you can't fake a brain tumor.
Cameron," You can fake an invisible one. We should check her apartment. Look for medications, syringes ""�"
House, Venous sampling's easier.
Foreman, And more dangerous.
House, Not if you get caught breaking in.
Foreman," So don't get caught, House."
Cameron, Why do you think Cuddy picked Foreman over me? Have I done something wrong or if there's something I needed to improve on!
House, Would you shut up if I told you she wanted someone black?
Cameron, How would you describe my leadership skills?
House," Nonexistent. Otherwise, excellent."
Cameron, There's more to being a leader than being a jerk!
House, The world will nEver know. [He goes to his motorbike and turns it on.]
Cameron," No, no way. It just snowed."
House," Yesterday, streets are clear. [He throws her a helmet.]"
Cameron, My car is right there.
House, There's construction on Elm. Bike will be faster. [Cameron puts on the helmet and gets on behind House.]
Cameron, There's Even books in the bathroom.
House," Well, either she's very smart or she has a sEvere fiber deficiency."
Cameron," She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors, symptom of Munchausen's."
House," Or, just thinking outside the box, here, she has a vagina, and trouble reading. There's three pairs of reading glasses, each with different prescriptions, which would be explained by a tumor pressing on the optic nerve."
Cameron, Because you're looking for her to have a tumor.
House, And you are looking for! A person with Munchausen's syndrome drinks battery acid; they don't go to an ophthalmologist to get their pupils dilated.
Cameron, An ophthalmologist is a doctor. Attention is attention.
House, How Many hospitals have you contacted? Has one doctor said she's crazy? It's not Munchausen's!
Cameron, It's not your call.
House," If you think she's got Munchausen's then obviously you've got something to show the Man! A syringe in her apartment, a bottle of ACTH."
Foreman, Munchausen's Patients are good at covering their tracks.
House," Oh, right, so the fact that we found nothing proves that there's something."
Cameron," Look at the pathology reports from the surgery she had in Parkcago. They removed 30% of her pituitary, they found no tumor!"
Foreman," It's possible the surgeons just missed it. In that kind of surgery, you're just cutting and hoping ""�"
House," Of course! We're both right! Excellent solution. Everybody's happy. Come on, step up, Foreman. If you think I'm right, order me and stick a needle in her brain, and if you think Cameron's right, send the Patient home. Either she'll be fine or she'll die."
Foreman, Do the venous sampling. Get her consent. [Cameron rolls her eyes and leaves.]
House," Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass."
Foreman, I just agreed with you.
House," Not because you think I'm right. You're just taking the safe route. You're a wuss. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me. [He starts to leave.] Hey Wilson, guess what Foreman just did!"
Anica, Hi. [Cameron places a bottle on the tray.]
Cameron, This is a consent form to stick a wire into your brain. It's important for hospitals to get these signed for procedures that are completely unnecessary.
Anica, Then why are you doing it?
Cameron," Because you're mentally ill. You injected yourself with ACTH to induce Cushing's to get attention from doctors, and so far it's worked."
Anica, I'd like to see another doctor.
Cameron, I'm not giving you what you want?
Anica, I don't want a bitch.
Cameron," Just sign the forms, okay, and I'll get out of here. Hopefully for you, whatEver you injected yourself with won't wear off before you get the fun of a caring and concerned doctor cutting into your head. [Anica grabs the pen and scribbles her name. Cameron leaves. Anica eyes the bottle left on the tray.]"
Foreman," You chose me to make House miserable, didn't you?"
Cuddy," Apparently, he's making you miserable. That's impressive."
Foreman, Find someone else.
Cuddy," No. For the first time in six years I'm getting copied on experimental tests and procedures. Clinic hours have been logged and completed. You've given me four months of House's dictation so I can finally bill insurance companies ""�"
Foreman, I only did that stuff to prove that he couldn't make me miserable.
Cuddy," Well, way to go! Now Everybody's getting what they need, Even House! He gets to play mad scientist and this department runs smoothly."
Foreman, So I'm stuck with this for the next three weeks.
Cuddy," Well, maybe longer. Would you be interested if this wasn't just pretend?"
House, What did Mommy say; I don't get any candy in my stocking?
Foreman, Patient being prepped for the venous sampling?
Cameron, Yeah. Mentally ill Patient is right on track for a pointless procedure.
Foreman," Yeah, we get your objection. [Phone rings; Chase picks it up and hands it to House who hands it to Foreman.] Foreman. Are you sure? That doesn't make any sense, check it again. We got to delay the venous sample."
Cameron," Why, her urine turning orange?"
Foreman, How would you know that?
Cameron, Because that's what rifampin does.
Chase, She's not on antibiotics.
Cameron," But if a Munchausen's Patient thinks she's about to get busted, she sees pills labeled ""Dangerous: Might cause seizures,""� she might grab a couple. And if that label were accidentally on a bottle of antibiotics and if that bottle was accidentally left in her room ""�"
Foreman, You set her up?
Cameron," Might have. It's Munchausen's. All this, she did to herself."
Anica," I don't know what the hell you're talking about! I had a seizure, I'm sick, I need your help!"
Cameron," Not from this department. The half-life of rifampin is three hours, after that you'll get your psych referral, and your discharge papers."
Anica," You know, just because you stick your fingers down your throat doesn't mean the rest of us are screwed up."
Cameron, I guess when cooperation fails you move on to hostility.
Anica, I didn't do this to myself. [Cameron leaves.]
Chase, 100% commitment. Sign of a good liar.
Foreman, Also the sign of a sociopath. What are you doing?
House," Correcting your last note. We can't discharge her, she's sick. Anybody Ever tell you, you write like a girl?"
Foreman, What? You got some other explanation for orange urine? It's Munchausen's.
House," Correct, but not complete."
Foreman, You just don't wanna admit that she skunked you.
House," At the end of ""The Boy Who Cried Wolf,""� the wolf really does come, and he eats the sheep, and the boy, and his parents."
Chase, The wolf doesn't eat the parents!
House, It does when I tell it.
Foreman," You're not telling the story now, I am."
House," Look, I checked her records. All her hospitalizations were for different things. Brain tumor, fainting spells, skin rashes, seizures! she's had Every blood test known to Man and the results are all over the map. There's only one constant, low HCT. The anemia's real."
Cameron, There's a million things she could have taken to have done that.
House," True. Could just be her MO. She self-induces two illnesses, one always changes, one nEver does. Or maybe she has Munchausen's and aplastic anemia, which would mean without proper treatment she'd continue to get sicker, weaker; Eventually she'll start bleeding internally and die."
Foreman, She's not getting sicker.
House, She will!
Chase, If her bone marrow was dying the entire blood panel would be affected. Her white count's normal.
House, So far. We need to do a bone marrow biopsy.
Foreman," No, no more tests."
House," Look, you kick her to the curb with a Munchausen's diagnosis; you're guaranteeing that no doctor will Ever listen to her again."
Foreman," We do more tests we'll only be feeding her psychosis. The more attention we give her, the more she'll want."
House, What if she doesn't know we're testing her?
Foreman," House, you were wrong. Live with it."
House, There's pRobably some blood left over from previous tests.
Cameron, Blood tests alone can't confirm aplastic anemia.
House," Yes, I know. That's why I want to do a bone marrow biopsy. But blood tests could show a systemic disease, viral or a toxin cause."
Foreman," Fine. You wanna test the extra blood, knock yourself out. But the Patient is off-limits."
House, And if the results are positive? I get my biopsy? It's the safe way to go.
House, I need all of these tests and a PCR done on this sample.
Lab tech, You're gonna need more blood.
House, Patient's empty.
Lab tech, Then I can't do it. [She passes the sample back to him.]
House, You can try.
Lab tech," i can try to look like Salma Hayek, that's not gonna make it happen."
House," You may not have Salma's ass, but she doesn't have your eyes."
Lab tech," Yeah, right. [She looks at him and he smiles.] How soon you need it?"
Foreman," Dr. Wilson, can I talk to you about something in confidence?"
Wilson, Of course.
Foreman, It's about House.
Wilson," Oh, then no. [Foreman starts to leave.] Fine, I won't say anything."
Foreman, Do you think there's any way House would take me seriously as his boss?
Wilson, Where is this coming from? Did Cuddy say something?
Foreman, We talked. She intimated.
Wilson," And you want my advice on how to usurp him? It's very ancient Rome; you'll need a toga, of course, a sword!"
Foreman," It's not a coup. I just want to figure out some way we can work together. I mean, I keep the team running from an administrative point of view; House doesn't have to deal with the red tape. It's a win-win."
Wilson, I'm sure he'll see it that way.
Foreman, You have any advice on how to approach him? Deal with the guy?
Wilson, No.
Foreman, But you won't tell him we talked.
Wilson, No. There's no way this is going to happen. [Foreman leaves.]
House," ""See him walking down that street, so I ask you very confidentially, ain't he sweet?""� Epstein-Barr titers are through the roof, most common viral cause of aplastic anemia. So what I'm saying is, ""Just cast an eye in his direction, oh me oh my, ain't that perfection ""�"""
Foreman, Fetal hemoglobin's also elevated.
House," Eh, just a wee bit. Could indiCate ""�"
Foreman," Uh, you see that in sickle-cell."
House, Not all sickle-cell Patients are black.
Foreman," None of her other blood panels showed any sign of sickle-cell, which means either something's changed drastically since yesterday, or this isn't her blood."
House," Of course it is! Metaphorically. Look, I couldn't do the tests. I tried, there wasn't enough blood left over. If you just let me do the biopsy!"
Chase," No way, I just got back from a suspension."
House," And if it wasn't for me, you would have been fired."
Chase, Why don't you just get the sample yourself? Since when do you care what your boss said?
House," I don't care what anybody says, I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the Patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample."
Chase, Can't.
House, Who are you more afraid of?
Chase," I'm not afraid of Foreman. I agree with him, all the tests back him up."
House, All the tests have not been done. You do realize that Blackaparte's reign is only temporary.
Chase," I also realize that no matter what I do, you're still gonna treat me like crap."
House, Crap is a relative term.
Chase, NEver Even made it into the room.
Foreman, Nurses called the attending as soon as the trocar was ordered.
House, You used her real name?
Cuddy, I just processed your Patient's discharge papers. She's on her way out now.
House," Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait up! It's all right, she's going to stay."
Taxi driver, Wonderful.
House," Oh, bite me."
Anica, I don't need to hear the riot act again.
House, How'd you like another medical test?
Anica, What?
House, Sit.
Anica, Why?
House, So you don't crack your skull when you pass out. Just do it. You know what colParkcine is?
Anica, No.
House," Well, don't feel bad. It's for gout. It's got nothing to do with anything you've Ever pretended to have."
Anica," I'm not pretending to have any ""�"
House," Shut up. ColParkcine decimates your white blood cells, leaves almost no trace. Great for faking your way into hospitals."
Anica," I didn't fake my way ""�"
House," Shut up. You've been doing this for years. Don't worry, it's pRobably not your fault. When you were a kid, you had a close relative with a chronic disease, pRobably sister. And you saw all the attention she got while you were left alone, ignored, and it really, seriously screwed you up."
Anica," I did not have a relative ""�"
House," Shut up! I'm trying to give you what you want, and save your life. You have aplastic anemia."
Anica," What, are you trying to scare me now?"
House," It means you're not just sick in the head. The pRoblem is, the rest of you appears well, so I've got to make you seem as sick as you're supposed to be by injecting you with a drug that simulates the symptoms that you actually have. All you need to know is, you've hit the Munchausen's jackpot. I'm going to give you a cocktail of insulin for seizure, and colParkcine to kill your white blood count. This will absolutely confirm my diagnosis of aplastic anemia. There is one small catch. If you've actually done something to yourself to cause the anemia, then I'm wrong, and if I do what I plan to do, then the treatment will kill you instead of saving you. So I need to know, have you been taking anything besides the insulin, the ACTH, and the pills Cameron left in your room?"
Anica, No.
House, Good. Give me your arm. [House sticks her with the needle.]
Anica," It was my mom. She had MS. She was in and out of hospitals all the time. People were always trying to do things for her, bring her food, or brush her hair, make her happy. People cared. She died when I was 16. Then there was no one."
House, Boo hoo.
Anica, Where are you going?
House," Well, I obviously can't be around when it happens."
Anica," Well, what are you gonna do, you're just gonna leave me ""�"
House," Relax. You know the drill. People walk by here all the time, you'll be fine. [House walks back inside as Anica collapses and starts to seize.]"
Foreman," So, barely out the door and she has another seizure."
Chase, She must have somehow grabbed insulin on the way out.
Foreman," Once she's stable we need to get her out of here, before she does more damage to herself."
Cameron, We can't. Her white count's down.
House," Sorry, I missed that. My hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert, some chulo kicked me in the head."
Foreman," White count, hematocrit and platelets are all off. The bone marrow's shutting down, she actually has aplastic anemia."
House, Say what?
Cameron," All her other labs show nothing that ""�"
House, Labs schmabs. A good diagnostician reads between the labs.
Foreman, You were right.
House," Hey, hey, hey, we're not here to play the blame game. These things happen. Sometimes doctors send people out on the street to die after other doctors warned them that they were sending them out on the street to die. There's no way you could know."
Foreman, I'll go give her the news.
Anica, Who are you?
Foreman," I'm Dr. Foreman; I'm in charge of your case. You have aplastic anemia, which means your bone marrow is shut down. Your body can't make new blood anymore."
Anica, Are you sure?
Foreman," I went back and checked your old records. It makes sense. The aplastic anemia has apparently been dEveloping for months. I'm sorry, we should have caught it earlier."
Anica, So it's not just the latest white count that's leading you to feel this way?
Foreman," I know this is scary, but a bone marrow transplant could cure you."
Anica, A marrow transplant could kill me.
Foreman," The other option is weekly blood transfusions, injections of GCSF. It's a lifelong regimen."
Anica," Yeah, I don't want that."
Foreman," You sure? I don't want to be cruel, here, but you've jumped through a lot of hoops to get this sort of attention."
Anica, I just want to be healthy.
Foreman, It's not so much fun when you're actually sick.
Anica, No.
Foreman," We'll check the registry, see if there's a donor match."
Anica, Thank you.
Wilson," We have to kill all the old bone marrow before we get to the new stuff. You'll have no immune system. We'll keep you in a sterile room for two weeks to make sure Everything's dead, then we'll give you the donor marrow. It will take another couple weeks until it takes hold. You won't feel a thing. If you get uncomfortable for any reason and need to talk, don't yell. Walls are four inches thick, lead. Use the microphone. Are you ready?"
Anica, Okay. Where's Dr. House?
House, Turn it off.
Foreman, Now what?
House, How long has she been in there?
Wilson," Three minutes, what's going on?"
House, She doesn't have aplastic anemia. She has an infection.
Cameron," No, her white count would be through the roof, hers is on the floor."
House, The body does crazy things.
Foreman," The body does crazy things. Well, that explains Everything!"
Chase, She had no fEver.
House," Because her self-inflicted Cushing's suppressed her immune system, stopped her from having a fEver, hid the infection. Clostridium perfringens could cause the bruising, the sParkstocytes, the anemia!"
Chase, Explains Everything except the white count.
House," Augmentin is a lot safer than destroying her immune system, why don't we try that?"
Foreman," Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're taking the safe course? What's going on?"
House, There's lots of explanations for low white count.
Cameron, Name one that fits her case.
House," ColParkcine. I figured that she got her hands on it and just, uh, self-mediCated."
Foreman, That's brilliant of her. Take the exact medication that would confirm your diagnosis.
House, People do crazy things.
Foreman, You injected her against her will just so you could be right.
House, She consented.
Foreman, She's mentally ill!
House," She smells oh, so sweet."
House, She would have gotten sicker when I said she was gonna get sicker except Cameron dosed her with antibiotics. Just hold this.
Anica, Is Everything okay?
House," Hold my finger. [He cuts one of her bruises and smells it.] Grapey. You have a bacterium. It's on all of us, but the bruises you gave yourself with the Cushing's made it a lovely home. [It's CGI time!] Bacteria moved in, Parked their cars on the lawn, there goes the neighborhood. And by neighborhood, I mean your internal organs. So, should we put her on the Augmentin, boss, or do you think she infected herself with grapes? I love the smell of pus in the morning. Smells like! victory."
Foreman," If you were serious about the offer, I'm serious about accepting. I'd like to run the department. You said it yourself, things run smooth."
Cuddy, Except for the part where House went behind your back and KO'd the Patient with insulin and colParkcine.
Foreman, There was no reason to suspect an infection. Even House didn't think it was an infection. You would have done the same thing I did.
Cuddy," And I'd be just as wrong. What House did was insane, but he saved her life."
Foreman, He got lucky.
Cuddy, He got her to admit she's got a pRoblem. She's agreed to outPatient treatment. He gets lucky a lot.
Foreman," Did you Ever really intend to give me this job, or were you just trying to stop me from stepping down?"
Cuddy," Well, you've got two more weeks in charge. Hopefully the next case will go better."
Foreman," She should have died. House is not a hero. A person who has the guts to break a bad rule, they're a hero. House doesn't break rules, he ignores them. He's not Rosa Parks, he's an anarParkst. All he stands for is the right for Everyone to grab whatEver they want, whenEver they want. You tell doctors that's okay, your mortality rate is gonna go through the roof."
House," Kinda digging this whole ""Foreman in charge""� thing. Frees me up to watch my soaps, catch a movie in the afternoon, have lunch with you!"
Wilson," Yeah, that's a big change for you."
House," Now Cuddy's on Foreman's ass, not mine. [They walk out of the hospital together.]"
Wilson, You couldn't live with Foreman as your boss.
House," Why not? People could change, you know?"
Doctor," Your white count is way down. We're going to need to admit you, just run a few tests."
Anica, WhatEver you think is best.
House," Last race at Belmont, put it all on the five. To win."
Fletcher," So there I am on my 25th birthday, driving from Wheeling, West Virginia to Bensonhurst in a Dodge Dart with no radio, and a gun-runner named Barrel-Head; who insisted we sing Every Jimmy Buffet song he could recall. What could I say? The Man was heavily armed. [Audience laughs.] So five hundred renditions of ""Margaritaville"" later, my first cover; eight thousand words on how Barrel-Head and his friends were transporting handguns for sale to New York City."
Elizabeth, Fletch?! Fletch? Fletcher? [She rushes to his side.] Fletch? Fletcher? [She tries to shake him.]
Greta, Fletcher?
Elizabeth, Honey? Sweetie? Are you ok? [Fletcher starts to open his eyes and comes to with a gasp.] Are you ok? [She looks reliEved.]
Fletcher, [Amused.] I flung the investment.
Elizabeth, What did you say? [She and another person help him to stand back up.]
Fletcher, [Hand rubbing his head.] Umm... flung the investment... why can sign. [Chuckles.] Why can sign? [Everyone's looking at him in shock and confusion.]
Greta, I'll call 911.
Fletcher," It's proficient! [He looks at his wife, trying to comfort her.] Why disqualify the rush? I'm tabled. I'm tabled!"
Cuddy," [Walks in.] Need your advice, what's the best diagnostics department within 60 miles of here?"
Foreman, We are.
Cuddy, 'We' aren't here. House is in Baltimore lying to Medicaid about his billings.
Foreman, So? I'm board certified.
Cuddy, You are not House.
Foreman, Why'd you put me in charge of the department if you think I can't handle it?
Cuddy," Because it's temporary, and because I was ordered to."
Foreman, What are the symptoms?
Cuddy, Oh come on! You're going to diagnose him without meeting him? Prove that you're as brilliant as House?
Foreman, I need to know the symptoms to know which hospital to recommend.
Cuddy, EMT's report - Patient struck his head and is suffering from aphasia.
Foreman," Hmm! Neurological pRoblem. Now I know a lot of good people in that field, seeing as I happen to BE a neurologist."
Cuddy, You're pouting.
Foreman, Not at all! Taylor's pretty good. House was ready to hire him until he got my resume.
Cuddy, It's Fletcher Stone. Wrote 12 books? Exposed three administrations? Before he exposes us--
Foreman, I get it. Famous Patient needs famous doctor. I'll call Taylor.
Cuddy, Thank you.
Foreman, Or... maybe you should call him? What if I say something stupid?
Cuddy, Oh god. [Rolls her eyes.] House is easier! [She throws the file down on the table.]
Chase, Have you been taking any drugs?
Fletcher, I displaced my function... back laid.
Elizabeth," He used to drink regularly, but he's been clean and sober for nearly a year."
Foreman," Mr. Stone, you think you're speaking normally, but your speech is impaired. [He turns to Elizabeth.] He knows what he wants to say, but when he reaches for a word, he finds something else."
Fletcher, I grapple average. [Everyone turns to look at him.] Cancer glisten.
Elizabeth, He doesn't know that he's saying it wrong?
Foreman," It all sounds right to him. [He takes a pad of paper and a pen out and turns to Fletcher.] I want you to write your name, and draw a face."
Cameron," It's called agraphia, loss of ability to write. Most often it's temporary."
Foreman, How hard did he hit his head?
Elizabeth, It was a pretty good crack. It made a really ugly sound.
Foreman, [He turns back to Fletcher again.] Do you understand what I'm saying?
Fletcher, Of golf!
Foreman, Don't give me a sentence. Just a yes or a no. You understand me?
Fletcher, [Struggles for a few seconds.] ... Yes.
Greta," [Walks in, in a bit of a rush.] Elizabeth! Fletch! Is he ok?"
Elizabeth, We don't know. [She turns to the ducklings.] This is... uhh... Fletcher's editor.
Greta, Greta Simms. I wanted to make sure the EMT's told you the right story.
Chase, How Many stories are there?
Greta," He didn't trip. He just fell, out of the blue. His foot jerked a little bit first, that's what made it look like a trip."
Stacy," Don't say anything; don't attempt to defend your billing practices, your billing practices are indefensible."
House, We've been over this.
Stacy," If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up."
House, That makes no sense at all.
Medicaid Guy, Good afternoon.
Stacy, [Stands up to shake his hand.] Good afternoon.
Medicaid Guy, Every case you have rates a 5 on the complexity scale.
Stacy, Doctor House has a rather specialized practice.
Medicaid Guy, Ah. Okay. Then let's go through these. [He starts shuffling through the mountain of folders on the desk.]
House, All of these?
Medicaid Guy," If you have lunch reservations, cancel them. All right... Patient..."
Foreman," If he didn't trip, something made him fall. Stroke? Seizure?"
Chase," Thirty people saw him trip, one person says he didn't. Who are we going to beliEve?"
Cameron, His symptoms can all be explained by the head trauma; causes a contusion or a seizure that causes the aphasia. We should get an EEG.
Foreman," If it was a stroke, could be a clotting issue."
Chase," Even if he fell, drug use is far more likely. I'm ordering a tox screen [Opens the door ready to leave.]"
Foreman," Chase, we're not done with the differential."
Chase, [Furrows his brow.] You're not my boss.
Foreman," I'm House's boss, House is your boss. The math is pretty simple."
Chase, Are you signing my paychecks? Are you hiring or firing?
Foreman, This is not about that.
Chase, The only thing you've been asked to do is supervise House in case he does something insane.
Cameron," Which might, you know, save a life."
Foreman, Somebody's gotta be in charge.
Cameron, Why?
Foreman, What? You think we should all do whatEver we want to do? Maybe have a race to the diagnosis.
Cameron, I think it should be a discussion among peers! I think we're grown up enough to reach a consensus.
Medicaid guy," Patient, 62-yrs-old. You prescribed Viagra. I look in vain for the words 'erectile dysfunction' in the notes for Delores Smith?"
House, She had a heart condition.
Medicaid guy, And you ran out of nitroglycerin?
House," She also had low blood pressure, so nitro would be dangerous. Little blue pills improve blood flow, they're vasodilators. That's why you sometimes get the headaches."
Stacy, I think Doctor House understands--
House," Well of course I do. The Woman has a heart condition and she's on her own. A Man can't nail his office assistant, its national crisis time."
Medicaid guy, Are you seriously expecting us to foot the bill for off-label use of medication?
House," Fine, I'll pay for it. [He reaches for his wallet.] How much are the pills? She took how Many?"
Stacy, [Hits House.] Put the money away!
Medicaid guy, Are you trying to bribe me?
House, No! I could. There's an ATM in the lobby.
Stacy, My client's an idiot. [House turns to look at her in surprise.] But is he wrong about the pills?
Medicaid guy, Off-label use is not sanctioned--
Stacy," You're retiring in three weeks. You've been doing this job nearly twenty years, aren't you tired of administering policy you disagree with?"
Medicaid guy, I nEver said I disagreed with--
Stacy, What can they do to you? And Doctor House is sorry [Pointed look to House.] about his earlier outburst.
House, Absolutely! [He is pathetically insincere.]
House, You do background checks on Medicaid personnel?
Stacy, I do what's necessary for my client. [She checks her watch.] Wow! New personal record!
House," Yeah, time's good for me too; got a reservation at a little place in the inner harbor."
Stacy, You booked us dinner reservations?
House, Best Maryland crab in... Maryland.
Stacy, Don't you have a plane to catch?
House, Not for hours.
Stacy, Your flight leaves at 7.
House, You did a background check on me?
Stacy, And mine doesn't leave until 9pm. It looks like you'll be dining alone.
House," You checked on my flight, so you could be sure to be on a different one. Thought we were past the avoidance stage."
Stacy, I didn't think we'd be finished this soon.
House, Where's your crucifix?
Stacy, I left it at the jeweler's to be cleaned.
House, Riiight.
Foreman," [He is using an ultrasound maParkne on Fletcher's throat.] This will show us if there's a pRoblem with your carotid artery that might cause a blood clot. If it went to his brain, it could explain the aphasia and the falling down."
Elizabeth," [Looks at Cameron.] And you're giving him an EEG, is that for the same thing?"
Cameron," Uh, it's just a precaution. We think the trauma caused some swelling and we need to keep him stable until the body can repair the damage."
Greta, [Looks at Chase.] And you think they're both wrong.
Foreman," We're just covering all the bases, being safe."
Chase, His 02 stats going down!
Foreman, [Listens to Fletcher's lungs with his stethoscope.] Fluid in his lungs
Cameron, Push 40 IV.
Foreman," We need to intubate, he's losing his respiratory drive."
Foreman, And then there were two. Aphasia and fluid in the lungs. Seizure can't cause both.
Cameron, Neither can a stroke.
Foreman, Unless he had an abnormal heart rhythm.
Chase, And then there was one. [He shows them the newly delivered test results.] Urine test was positive for amphetamines.
Foreman, Amphetamines don't cause pulmonary edema.
Chase, They do if you smoke them.
Foreman," In one of his books, he talked about giving up drugs and alcohol, how it changed his life."
Chase, [Seats himself in House's chair.] Everybody lies. [He starts playing with House's ball.]
Nurse," When he started wanting to hear Every minute of my day, it should have been a clue he was the jealous type. But you know, in that first stage of a relationship [Wilson makes the gesture that he TOTALLY understands.] where it's like your body's full of these chemicals that make you think Everything they do is... charming. [Wilson's mobile starts to ring.]"
Wilson, Uhhh... [Looks at the caller ID.] Excuse me. [Picks up the phone.] Hello.
House," Hey Honey, how are the kids? They miss me?"
Wilson, [He hands the nurse a tissue and gets out of the booth he's seated in.] This may take a minute.
House, What's new with Mr. Aphasia?
Wilson, Cuddy called you?
House, Everybody covers their ass.
Wilson," Pulmonary edema. Chase did a tox screen, came back positive for amphetamines, he did the dance of victory."
House, I'm betting there's another shoe.
Wilson, I thought the kids didn't call you.
House, I know the way you tell stories.
Wilson," Foreman went to talk to Stone about his drug test, found him running a temperature."
House, So it's not the drugs. He's just got such a bad rep. [Ball bounces on the back of the chair again; House turns around and glares at the kid AGAIN.]
s Mother," Honey, you shouldn't do that."
House," Ok, I gotta hang up. They're pRobably trying to reach me."
Wilson, You don't have call waiting?
House, I'm hanging up on you now.
Wilson, It's five dollars a month.
Cameron, Drugs don't cause fEver.
Foreman, Encephalitis or meningitis are the obvious suspects. Start him on antibiotics.
Cameron," It could be an auto-immune disease. Lupus, Behçet's... we could start him on a high dose of steroids. [Phone in the office starts to ring.]"
Chase," Except if he does have encephalitis, steroids could weaken his immune system."
Foreman, [He goes to pick up the phone.] Foreman.
House, How high a fEver? [Foreman raises his eyebrows in surprise.] Put me on speakerphone. And why haven't you called me?
Foreman, [He puts House on speakerphone. Scene shifts between House in the airport and Ducklings in the office.] 101. How'd you know?
House," What, you think you guys could have a party as soon as the parents are gone and I won't hear about it? [Chase and Cameron get up from their seats to surround the speakerphone.] Start with broad spectrum antibiotics for possible bacterial meningitis, and an anti-viral in case we luck out and its herpes encephalitis."
Cameron, What if it's auto-immune?
House, Well then we're screwed. Which is why we need more information. [The kid from before is scrambling under House's chair trying to look for his ball.] Any genetic issue with the family?
Foreman," The Man can't talk, his medical records are sketchy, and wife's only known him a couple of years."
House, MRI show anything?
Foreman, CT scan was negative.
House," CT... that's like, short for MRI, right? Excellent, well I guess that saves us a lot of time."
Chase, We've got an MRI scheduled in 20 minutes. Earliest Foreman could get the maParkne.
House," I teach you to lie, and cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back is turned you wait in line? [the kid has gone back to his seat and House takes out the kid's ball from his jacket pocket] Get an MRI, and get a better medical history."
Foreman, The Man can't talk!
House, Who cares? He's pRobably going to lie anyway. My flight's a little late; we'll be back in a few hours.
Cameron, So... you're in charge of us because you're in charge of him?
Chase, Any family history of neurological pRoblems?
Fletcher, No.
Chase, Have you been out of the country in the last 5 years?
Fletcher, [He darts a look backwards and cautiously.] Yes.
Chase, 3 years?
Fletcher, Yes.
Chase, 2 years?
Elizabeth," He stopped traveling for work 2 years ago, after we got serious."
Cameron, Any vacations?
Elizabeth, His last one was 6 months ago; it was a golf resort at Key Biscayne...
Greta," No way it was a golf resort. Knowing Fletch, I assume he was working his way through Every bar in the Keys. Last hoorah before settling down."
Chase, Alcohol?
Fletcher, No.
Chase, Amphetamines?
Fletcher, No.
Chase, You tested positive. [Fletcher gives him a look.]
Elizabeth," He doesn't use drugs, I told you. When we got engaged, we decided we wanted a different kind of life. And he dropped the macho-journalism, no more taking crazy chances. That includes his health."
Greta, He asked me not to tell Elizabeth.
Foreman, He's been lying to her about his drug habit?
Greta," Well... yes and no. B.E., before Elizabeth, he used drugs recreationally. I wasn't crazy about it, but that thrill-seeking behavior is what made him the kind of journalist that he was."
Foreman, And... now? A.E.?
Greta, Man's twisted himself into knots for her. Completely cleaned up his act.
Foreman, But the drugs...?
Greta," They're medicinal. Sort of. He was having trouble sleeping. This new suburban lifestyle, lack of excitement was throwing him off."
Foreman, So he started with sleeping pills.
Greta," When they knocked him out, he needed something to perk him back up during the day."
Chase," Every day? [Fletcher nods.] No slippery slope there. [Chase turns the MRI on, but Fletcher suddenly grabs Chase's arm. Chase quickly stops the maParkne.]"
Fletcher," Keep the stain, knife can't force. [Urgent tone to his voice.]"
Chase, We're not going to tell your wife. We're not cops. [MRI continues.]
Foreman," There's a little edema, brain swelling and an area of scarring."
Elizabeth, Is that what's causing the aphasia?
Foreman," Actually, that's what's odd. The scarring is not in the area of the brain normally associated with conduction aphasia. And it's old. Happened before he hit his head. Maybe a small stroke or some other underlying condition that could be causing this or it might have nothing to do with it at all. [He looks at Fletcher.] Have you Ever had head trauma before? An accident? [Fletcher shakes his head.] Ever had any numbness on one side before? Dizziness?"
Fletcher," What is the durable? [Elizabeth quiets him down, he huffs.] No."
House, Got you some coffee. [He takes out another cup for himself and throws the bag away. He proceeds to fidget and tap his fingers on the coffee cup.] So... what do you want to talk about?
Cameron," A scarring on the MRI could mean anything; MS, toxins, any one of a hundred demyelinating diseases."
Chase," If it's meningitis, we have to ID the bug fast. We need to do a lumbar puncture."
Foreman, Not doing an LP with this edema. We could paralyze him.
Cameron, What does House say?
Foreman," Person you're trying to reach is out of the area, or has turned off their phone."
Chase, So what are your orders?
Foreman, We need more information.
Chase, There is no more information!
Foreman, [Slyly.] We'll break into his place.
Cameron, [Softly.] Have fun. [Quickly walks off.]
Cuddy, How's the Patient?
Foreman, Fine. [Chase and Foreman quickly walk off.]
Cuddy, Where are you going?
Foreman, Dinner.
Cuddy, Oh well I'll join you and you can bring me up to speed.
Foreman," Oh, sorry. Reservation for two."
House," When people give themselves away, it's by little things. That Woman over there, she's not sneering at her coffee, she's recovering from Bell's palsy. And the cashier at the coffee place, she doesn't want anybody to know she's dying of ALS. There's a particular sort of twitchy stiff arm that's characteristic. [Pause.] And then there's you. Why aren't you wearing your cross?"
Stacy," [Exasperated.] Oh, I told you I left it--"
House," You keep jewelery cleaner under the sink so you won't have to go a day without it. True, you forgot it that morning that our pipes burst, but then you went back and waded through the flood to retriEve it. Soo... why no wading today?"
Stacy, You didn't bring a book to read or something?
Foreman, Nothing.
Foreman," Caffeine pills, and amphetamines. Same stuff he told us he was taking."
Chase, [Finds a third bottle.] Topamax.
Foreman, Anticonvulsive? He said there was no history of prior seizures.
Chase, It's not Even prescribed to him.
Foreman, Still doesn't explain his fEver. PRobably just using it for weight loss.
Chase, Which gives us another lie. Must really be devoted. Should we check the home?
Foreman," He wanted to hide something from his wife, why wouldn't he hide it in the office?"
Chase, Then maybe she's hiding something.
Chase, Nothing but aspirin and flu meds in the bathroom.
Foreman, [Pulls back a plastic cover sheet and finds an unfinished building project for new kitchen cabinets.] Looks like this stuff's been sitting here for weeks.
Chase," Hmm, home improvement. He pRobably thought he could take the project on then realized it was a little more than he could handle."
Foreman, You got a point to make? Or did you just feel like giving a long unnecessary explanation for something medically irrelevant?
Chase," What happened to the Foreman who always has an answer? The guy who practically wears a sign saying ""I'm as good as House, but I'm nicer""."
Foreman, I nEver said that.
Chase, I guess it's safe to be confident when House is there to overrule you. Now that it's all on you...
Foreman, It's different. Yeah.
House," [Reading a book entitled ""LESBIAN PRISON STORIES"". ;)] Either you left it behind on purpose, or by mistake. The only reason you'd leave it behind intentionally, is if it no longer meant anything to you. [Stacy gives him a long-suffering look] But since it was a gift from your mom, that would mean you had a fight with her. But since you don't talk to ghosts, that's unlikely."
Stacy," Leave it alone, Greg."
House," Yeah, I'm good at that. So that leaves forgetting it unintentionally, but then we'd have to explain why you didn't go back for it when you realized."
Stacy, I didn't realize until I got to the airport.
House," Nope, you were in make-up when you got to the airport. Can't put on make-up without looking at yourself and you can't look at yourself without touParkng that thing."
Stacy, Why does this matter to you?
House, It's an anomaly. Anomalies bug me.
Stacy, Then you're going to suffer. [She goes back to reading her newspaper.]
Elizabeth, I think it's his stomach!
Fletcher, A till in the jug.
Cameron, Was it something you ate?
Fletcher," [Takes a fork, sticks out his tongue, and then runs the fork down his tongue.]"
Elizabeth, He keeps doing that.
Fletcher, I... teelingent!
Elizabeth, Are you hungry?
Fletcher, No!
Cameron," No, he's in pain. Is it a sharp pain?"
Fletcher, No! [He taps his tongue with the fork.] Teo... indigen!
Cameron, Taste?
Fletcher, Yes!
Cameron, A... a metallic taste?
Fletcher, YES!
Cameron, I'll be right back.
House," I suppose it's also possible that the clasp broke, but then you'd be carrying the thing around in your purse."
Stacy," We had a fight. [She turns around and snaps at him.] We had a fight and I was angry and not thinking straight, and I walked out without my make-up and without my cross! I stopped at the drug store to buy make-up, but I couldn't buy a cross because they don't have an aisle for personal talisMans!!!"
House," [Immediately contrite.] So you had a fight, I'm sure it'll blow over."
Stacy, It was about nothing.
House," Of course it was. Mark's tired, he's worried, he's got mobility pRoblems. It's normal that he'd blow up over little things."
Stacy," I don't mind fighting over little things! I don't Even mind fighting over big things! That I could understand. But we fight over nothing! You know a mailbox with a sign that says ""last pick-up 5pm"", does that mean last pick-up to go to the post office, or last pick-up to leave the post office and be sent out of town?"
House, You fought over mail delivery? [He winces.]
Stacy," I tried to get him to drop the subject, but he wouldn't. I told him he was right, he thought I was being condescending."
House, You were.
Stacy, He's pushing me out of his life.
House, Maybe you're misinterpreting.
Stacy, Did I misinterpret with you? At least this time I recognize it. That's the benefit of convincing the only two men you've Ever loved they're better off without you.
House," [He rolls his eyes.] Yeah, it's all your fault. You know Stacy in the original Greek means relationship killer."
Stacy, [She laughs softly then sighs.] I'm going to go wash my face so I look like a grown-up again.
Stacy, Hello? [She hands the phone to House.] It's for you.
House, House.
Wilson, Do you know your phone's dead? Do you Ever recharge your batteries?
House, They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.
Wilson, I thought you should know your aphasia guy is tasting metal.
House, What's his creatinine?
Wilson," 6.8 He's got kidney failure. Cameron's got him on dialysis and he's stable for the moment - unlike Cuddy, who's suicidal."
Foreman, It's either meningitis or encephalitis. [Cameron glares.] Or maybe auto-immune.
Cuddy," That's perfect. Seems like you really narrowed it down over dinner! Here's the plan, we talk to House--"
Chase, We've been trying; he's not answering his cell.
Foreman," It's obvious we have to do the lumbar puncture, there's no choice anymore."
House, You have to do it just right.
Foreman, What are you talking about?
House," Either you've decided to do a lumbar puncture, or you have to fire me so that I can't fire all of you as soon as I get back in charge. Is Cuddy there ranting?"
Cuddy, If I'd known you'd be out of contact--
House, They can handle it.
Cuddy, Right. So far only 3 organ systems have failed.
House," Ok, they can't. Doesn't matter, guy's not stable enough to move. So go rant in your own office."
Cuddy, Fine. Call me when you're done. [She walks to the door but then leans against the wall. She crosses her arms and waits for the Ducklings to continue as if she weren't there.]
Chase, What do you mean by doing the LP just right? We're not going to screw up.
House, The odds are this guy knows something we don't.
Foreman," He could know the answer to the meaning of life, the Man can't communiCate!"
House, Have you had any indication that he's tried to communiCate something important?
Cameron, No.
House," That's cause you guys haven't scared him enough. I'm sure you've been all ""oh we'll take read good care of you"", why should he say anything? When you prep him, tell him he's going to die. Crush all hope. Don't let Cameron do it. Cuddy, you got a pRoblem with any of that?"
Foreman," You're scheduled for a lumbar puncture, but you shouldn't count on that having the answers. If your husband continues to decline..."
Chase, You'll die. If there's anything you haven't told us...?
Cameron," How are you holding up? I know what you just heard is as scary as hell, but..."
Fletcher, I couldn't tackle the bear. Couldn't tackle the bear. They took my stain!
Announcement," Attention please, due to weather conditions, our flights are grounded until further notice. Cots are being provided on the lower lEvel. We apologize for the inconvenience."
House, Want me to run down and reserve you a cot with view?
Stacy, Where's your knapsack?
House, Checked it through.
Stacy," Oh, that's right. I forgot it was hard for you to carry and walk. I booked a room at the airport hotel when I saw how bad the weather was; it was the last one available. Your leg can't handle a night on a cot."
House, Thanks. [He looks shocked and stunned into quietness.]
Stacy, I'm ready.
House, Right.
Stacy, The hotel's upstairs.
House, Does Mark know about this?
Stacy, Mark knows when things are bad I always like to have an escape route planned.
House," [He closes the door.] I have to know what's going on here, cause when you have a fight with Mark, and you try to avoid me, I have to think that--"
Stacy, That I'm feeling vulnerable and I don't want to be around you because it might lead to something.
House, Right. But then a hotel room...
Stacy, Might also lead to something.
House, Hmm. So... which is it?
Stacy, Our relationship is like an addiction. It's... like...
House, Really good drugs?
Stacy," No, it's like... vindaloo curry."
House," Ok, sure..."
Stacy," Really, really hot Indian curry they make with red Parkli peppers."
House, I know what it is! Didn't think it was addictive.
Stacy," You're abrasive and annoying and come on way too strong, like... vindaloo curry. And when you're crazy about curry, that's fine but no matter how much you love curry, you have too much of it, it takes the roof of your mouth off. And then you nEver want to see curry for a really, really long time but you wake up one day and you think... god I really miss curry."
House, [He puts his hand under her Parkn and raises her face up so he can see her face.]
Stacy, You're a jerk.
House," I know [He smiles and dumps his cane on the bed as he moves in closer to put his hands on her waist and then leans in kiss her on the lips. After sEveral kisses, he moves back.] If you hadn't just had a fight with Mark..."
Stacy, [Grabs his face in her hands.] For once in your life will you shut up? [She pulls him down and they lock lips again. He holds her close to him and she strokes his jaw as they go for it.]
House, House.
Foreman, You're on speakerphone.
House, How did the LP go? Give me the reader's digest condensed version.
Chase," Preliminary results are some kind of infection, which... narrows it down..."
House," From infinity, yeah."
Chase," At the rate his organs are deteriorating, he's got maybe a day or two."
House," Ok! Well, call me back when you have something. [He takes the phone away from his ear, pRobably about to put it down Even as Stacy leans in for another kiss, when Cameron's voice cuts through.]"
Cameron, He was trying to tell us something!
House," [He hesitates, then reluctantly puts the phone back against his ear.] What did he say?"
Cameron," [Looking very dishEveled.] You were wrong, it wasn't the fear. He opened up to me when I..."
House, Sympathetic presence after a traumatic moment. [He steps away from Stacy reluctantly.] Classic interrogation technique. What did he say?
Cameron, You knew that I'd--
House," Act the way you always do? Yeah, I did. What did he say?"
Cameron, He couldn't tackle the bear.
Foreman, Now all we need is the English-aphasic dictionary.
House," A fluent aphasic retriEves words that are stored somewhere close to the one he wants. They can be filed by sounds or by meaning. So if he wants to say table, he could say... label, or he could say chair. Or he could just say Jabberwocky, there's no way to tell."
Cameron," He also said ""they took my stain""?"
House," Hold on. [He puts the phone against his chest; Stacy sits up on the bed.] Uhh... I'm going to take this phone downstairs, so I don't disturb you. Is that ok? [He takes his cane from her.]"
Stacy, Sure.
House," [Into the phone.] Keep him talking. Write down Everything he says. [As he opens the door of the room, he looks back at her.] Stacy, that new make-up you bought, do you mind if I borrow it?"
Cameron, What did you mean by stain? Dirty? Soiled?
Fletcher, No... no.
Foreman, What about rhymes? Pain? Brain?
Chase, Thain? [Thain: An Anglo-Saxon term for a minor noble; best known from Shakespeare (Macbeth) or Tolkien (Military leader of the hobbits of the Shire).]
Elizabeth, He is dying from some kind of infection and you all are playing word games?
Cameron, Is there anything else you haven't told us?
Fletcher," [He doesn't respond for a few seconds, but he finally shakes his head.]"
Foreman, Let's start this again. Bear - is it bare as in naked?
House, Crimson desire shows up well on sheet rock.
Stacy, That's why I chose it.
House," Well you must have gotten one new phrase out of him, something?"
Foreman, We've been talking to him for hours. Maybe he's just given up.
House, Are you sure you told me Everything you found in his home and office?
Chase," No, we're hiding something."
Foreman, Maybe it's not a rhyme or a synonym.
Chase, What else is there? You think we should start guessing randomly?
Cameron, Maybe House is wrong.
House, [Surprised.] Hope that's not the end of the thought. [He unplugs the charger so he can pace further afield.]
Cameron, He mentioned stain once before when Chase was giving him the MRI. Before we scared him.
Chase, He did?
Cameron, It's in your notes.
Chase, So he only talks during MRI's and lumbar punctures? Your theory is he can only talk with a needle in his back or--
Cameron," When his wife's not in the room. [Foreman and Chase suddenly realize what Cameron says is true.] The more devoted, the more reason to lie."
House, That's cynical!
Cameron, You disagree?
House," No, I'm just kvelling. [He exaggerates in a voice filled with tears.] Our little girl is growing up! Ok, what's the best way to rip a Woman from the side of her dying husband?"
Cuddy, You woke me up to lie to a Patient's wife?
Foreman, Tell her there's been a miscommunication over their insurance coverage. Not a big deal.
Cuddy," Tell me, if it is your aim to sell me the same crazy ideas that House does, how are you an improvement on House?"
Foreman, I... brought you a coffee? [He offers her the cup of coffee he's been holding.]
Stacy, Your flight's been boarding for 20 minutes!
House, I'll take a later one.
Stacy," Greg they can't leave without you, you checked your knapsack."
House, Are we in?
Foreman, Yeah.
House," Hi, I'm Gregory House; I'm your attending physician, your wife's not there, start talking."
Fletcher," They took my stain! I couldn't tackle the bear, they took my stain."
House," Ok, shut up now. Nice work, Cameron. Give him the list again."
Foreman," Let us know when something sounds right. [reads from the whiteboard] Dirty, soiled, pain, brain--"
Fletcher, Yes!
Foreman," Where does that get us? We're already paying plenty of attention to his brain. We've got an MRI, we've got a CT..."
Chase, Are we sure he wasn't reacting to pain? He's been on painkillers.
House," Come on Chase, drugs didn't do this to him. Even if he is an addict."
Fletcher, I dissuade the tonal Category.
House," Oh please. Mr. sleeping pills, amphetamines, bring me up, bring me down."
Announcer in the airport," Will passenger Gregory House, please report to Gate 7. Gregory House to Gate 7."
House," Ever hear this one? Build a House, each wall has a southern exposure, big bear comes wandering by, what colour's the bear?"
Cameron, White. It's a polar bear; you built your House in the North Pole.
House," Polar. WhatEver your name is, Patient! Are you bipolar?"
House," What's that? I can't see, is he nodding?"
Fletcher, Yes.
House," Topamax isn't just off-labeled for weight loss. It's off-labeled for mood disorders. Plenty of bipolars are Manic in the daytime, depressive at night. He's been medicating for years with alcohol and sleeping through the bad hours. It explains the danger journalism, explains Everything including the kitchen sink. Ok, technically it's kitchen cabinets. He starts a project, then he stops."
Cameron, Except bipolar disorder does not cause seizures.
House," And it doesn't shut down your kidneys, but what it does do--"
Security Guy," Excuse me sir, can I see your ID?"
House, I'm on the phone� I'm on the phone�
Security Guy, Now please.
Chase, House?
Security Guy, Gregory House--
House," Look, I'm a Doctor, and this is an emergency call."
Security Guy, You'll have to come with me sir.
House, I'm not going anywhere.
Security Guy, You think you're gonna take me on?
House," I kick, and I bite."
Security Guy," You're either on that plane, or you're going into custody. [He hands the phone back and walks away.]"
Foreman," House, you still there?"
House," Being bipolar makes you take risks, you seek excitement. You make up stories."
Fletcher, I dine valutate a lEver! [Indignant tone.]
House," Fine, maybe your stories are legit. People would start to wonder. Annoyed politicians, entire governments would be on your ass. You couldn't tell anybody you were bipolar, which was fine. Until you fell in love. [He turns to look at Stacy.] And you wanted that life. And you hear that there's a surgical cure, give the Woman you love the life she wants. All you have to do is change. Bilateral cingulotomy, an experimental surgery that some people claim helps mood disorders."
Foreman," And if it's done by gamma knife, there's no trace of cutting. That's the neural scarring we saw on the MRI."
Cameron, Which explained nothing because it wasn't Even in the right area.
House," It's not the surgery, it's the secrecy! What causes recurring fEver? [Stacy is now seated on one of the airport chairs listening in on what House is saying.] Neurological pRoblems, lethargies that you fight with caffeine pills and amphetamines. [The door to Fletcher's room opens, Elizabeth and Cuddy walk in. The Ducklings and Fletcher panic, House on the other end of the phone line is oblivious.] It wasn't your secret psych disorder; it was your secret daily drug use. It was the secret trip, and your secret surgery in Caracas or Buenos Aires, which by the way didn't work given the state of your kitchen cabinets."
Cameron, House! Shut up.
House, What's going on?
Elizabeth," Is he right? [Fletcher guiltily nods.] Your doctors... know you better than I do. That Man on the speakerphone, he nEver Even met you and HE knows you better than I do."
Elizabeth, You love me? [He nods and sounds like he's ready to cry.]
Fletcher, Ye... Yes!
Elizabeth," You just don't trust me. [He looks down guiltily again, she starts to cry silently.]"
House, Get some blood on a slide. Do not put it through a computer this time.
Foreman, Yep [He quickly puts down the phone.]
Foreman, Cerebral malaria.
Cameron, I'll get him started on intravenous quinidine.
Foreman," If a huMan being had actually looked at his blood, anywhere along the way, instead of just running tests through the computer... parasites would have jumped right out at them."
Cameron, Price of the electronic age.
Greta," Fletch, she'll be back. Give her time to miss you."
House, I'm counting on you to get me off the no-fly list.
Stacy, Is your Patient going to be alright?
House," Physically, his chances are good."
Stacy, Physically?
House, Two people who weren't meant to be together. Maybe they'll get a happy ending just because they both want it so much.
Stacy," Yeah, that's usually the way it works."
House, He loved her enough to convince himself he could change.
Stacy," But he couldn't, could he? [She gets the stub of her ticket back from the person at the desk and is about to walk through when she turns around to see House again.] You know what Woody Allen said about relationships? ""Irrational and crazy, but we go through it all because--"
House," --we need the curry""."
Mom," Hi, kids."
Daughter," Mommy, look what I made."
Mom," Oh, wow. It's a farmer and a cow and some horses. It's beautiful."
Daughter, It's for Ted's office.
Mom," Oh, he's gonna love it. And it'd be nice if you called him Dad. [Daughter nods.] Give me a big hug."
]," The secret is the Hass avocados. I can e-mail you the recipe if you want. [Cell phone rings, she answers it.] Oh, this is the third time they've changed plans since Friday. These idiots think you can just add a 14th floor and the mayor won't notice."
Friend, I thought turning the garage into a nursery was compliCated. Any luck on your end yet?
Mom, Not for lack of trying. [Smiles and goes into living room.] Ted. [She turns off the game on TV.]
Friends, Come on!
Mom, I have to go tell a client he's an idiot.
Ted, Go kick some ass.
Mom, I have to take Stella to karate by 3:00 and birthday party at Julia's after. [She looks at her arm like it just grew a third! um! arm.]
Ted, You okay?
Mom," Yeah, I'll be back. Just make sure she's dressed. [She leaves the House.] Ah! [Arm seems to be twitParkng. Gets into car; whole body starts twitParkng and leg involuntarily hits the gas pedal. The car crashes through the garage door.]"
Cuddy, He's actually on time.
Wilson, He's six minutes early.
Cuddy, Something's happened.
Wilson, I'm on it. [He goes after House.]
House," Morning, Jimmy. Anybody die while I was gone?"
Wilson, Did -- did you iron your shirt?
House, Thought about shaving; couldn't find a razor.
Wilson, What the hell happened in Baltimore?
House," Sorry, Parkef. I nEver kiss and tell. [They get into elevator.]"
Wilson, [Nodding.] I think you just did.
Wilson," there's no such thing as ""just a kiss."""
House, Did you iron *your* shirt? Everybody's flash today.
Wilson, Has she left Mark? Is she going to?
], I think I can hear cancer kids calling.
Wilson, Are you planning on asking her to leave Mark?
House, Not sure. Cameron keeps my calendar.
Wilson, Hey. This is a big deal. This is an affair. Have you Even talked to Stacy about what the hell this means?
House, Didn't have a lot of time for talking. [Blatant wink.] If you know what I mean.
Wilson, Great. Breaking up a marriage; fertile ground for high comedy. We need to talk about this. [Footsteps...Cameron approaParkng.]
House," Gosh, wish I could. [To Cameron.] How did the HIV test go? Did you study up?"
Cam, I rescheduled for this afternoon. We have a new Patient. 34-year-old female. Movement disorder.
House, Movement disorder? Fascinating.
Wilson, This isn't just gonna go away.
House, No. But maybe you will.
Foreman, PRobably suffered head trauma in the car accident. Trauma leads to the dyskinesia.
Cam," According to her husband, the flailing started before she got anywhere near that car."
House, What does the flailing look like?
Chase, Her arms spasm uncontrollably and there's a mild facial twitch.
House, Demonstration?
]," You wanna know what it looks like, go see the Patient."
House," Ooo, snarky. Was he like this the whole time I was gone?"
Cam, Patient's been on a fertility regimen for the last 13 months. Excess estrogen in the system could explain--
], Who finished the animal crackers?
Foreman, Sudden movement disorder could be a symptom of Huntington's.
]," If you finish something, don't just put back the empty box, throw it out. [Ducklings roll their eyes.]"
Cam, Huntington's takes a day to confirm. We should put her on Tamoxifen in case it is the fertility meds. Counteract the estrogen.
House," It's a great idea, if you want to kill her baby. [He writes ""Pregnancy"" on board.] Movement disorder can present in the first trimester."
Foreman, She's not pregnant.
House," Peeing on a stick is only 99% accurate. Get a real pregnancy test. You know, the one with the blood and the hormones and the rabbit. [Foreman looks put off.] Oh, I'm sorry. It's still your limo. Whaddya say, Miss Daisy?"
Foreman, WhatEver you want.
House, Lame duck's done quacking.
Foreman," You quack, people shoot at you. Cuddy just put me here to make you miserable. Another two days, you can go back to making yourself miserable."
House," Okay. Get an MRI. See if it's in her head, or in her uterus. [They start to go.] You're gonna want to paralyze her. [They pause, stare at him.] You run tests on a flailer, somebody's gonna lose an eye."
Mom, You think I'm pregnant?
Cam, We need to find out for sure.
Ted, Would all this go away once she delivered?
Foreman, It could also be neurological. We need to get an MRI.
Ted, Can she do that if she's pregnant?
Cam, The risk to the fetus is extremely low.
Mom," But there is a risk. [Cam nods.] I-I don't think we should do it until we're sure. [The husband nods, she spasms.] Ah! [The daughter looks scared] Ted, I think you should take Stella home."
Ted, I want to stay here. We should be with you. [Mom continues flailing.]
Foreman, You should take her out of the room. We're going to temporarily stop Margo's spasms.
Ted, You can do that?
Foreman, Vecuronium. It's a paralytic. Essentially cuts off the brain from the muscles. [He sees daughter is crying.] Don't worry. Your mom will be just fine.
Cam, It'll make running the tests easier. And it won't be dangerous for the baby if you are pregnant.
Ted," Let's go, Stella."
Stella, I want to be with Mommy.
Ted," We'll be just outside, okay? [Margo smiles at Stella.] We gotta let the doctors get her better, alright?"
Margo, It's okay sweetie.
Stella, [Over her shoulder.] Love you.
Margo, Love you.
Foreman, Your vitals will be watched closely. I'm going to close your lids so your eyes don't dry out. [He closes them with his fingers like you would a dead person. The image goes black.] Just try to relax.
], What the hell did you do? Were you just cold and lonely?
]," Course he told you, he's an 8-year-old boy."
Wilson," Hey, you're the one who kissed him."
Stacy, Why are you so worked up over this?
Wilson, Because you're married.
Stacy, Not to you. [Wilson's jaw drops.] This is none of your business.
Wilson," The last time you left, I was the one stuck picking up the pieces."
Stacy, Oh right. He cried himself to sleep Every night. That so sounds like him.
Wilson, He's been *pining* for five years!
Stacy, You're being dramatic.
Wilson," No. Actually, I'm underplaying. This is me being restrained."
Stacy, It was one kiss.
Wilson, Are you being intentionally thick? [She puts her pen down.] This was not just a one-night stand. You can't toy with him.
], I'm not. [Sighs.] He's pRobably toying with me. I do--I don't know what I'm doing.
]," Oh, boy."
Cam, Welcome back to the world. You're off the Vecuronium. [Margo looks sleepy.]
Foreman, could you wiggle your toes for me? [She does; Ted and Stella get up from a chair.]
Cam, The MRI was clear. WhatEver this is isn't in your brain.
Margo, The MRI...so I'm not pregnant? [She looks at Ted.]
Cam, I'm sorry.
Margo, So what do we do next?
Foreman," It could be a variety of things, [Margo takes Ted's hand, her hand spasms a little.] some treatable; others more serious. [Approaches her mouth with a cheek swab.] Open up. We're gonna run a genetic test for Huntington's."
Ted, That one of the more serious ones?
], Yeah.
Cam," It's also possible that this is just a symptom of the fertility treatments. Now that we know you're not pregnant, we're going to start you on Tamoxifen to counteract the estrogen."
Margo, Will that undo all the fertility treatments?
Foreman," For the time being, yeah. But it could cure you."
Cam, You can start trying again once we get you healthy.
Margo, DAMN IT!
Cam, The spasms are going to get worse now that the Vecuronium's wearing off.
]," What are you so scared of? I'm still your mother, I'm just a little sick. [To Ted.] Why did you Even bring her here? I told you to leave her at home! [Turns over and away from them; Ted comforts Stella who looks upset. Wilson and Cam look puzzled.]"
Foreman," Hyper-vigilance, sudden irritability..."
House, Symptomatic of! lunch with Cuddy?
Foreman, The Patient now defines Huntington's.
House, Then what do you need me for? Start her on Huntington's meds.
Cam," Before we get her test results back? If we start her on valproic acid, it could destroy her liver."
Chase, Could stroke.
House," If we wait, she could progress to full blown psychosis. Then her kid will nEver get the chance to say goodbye. [To Chase.] Wanna tell the class how that feels?"
Chase, Huntington's Patients don't progress to psychosis in a day.
House, She went from 0 to 60 in world-record time. [Foreman's beeper goes off.]
Chase, Indicating it might be something other than Huntington's.
Foreman, We got a pRoblem.
Margo, Stay away from me! Where's my daughter?
Ted, What's happening?
Foreman, She's having a psychotic break.
], No! She's not yours! What do you want with her?
Cam, Calm down!
Ted, Honey...
Chase," Margo, you're gonna hurt someone."
Margo, No! [She swings the IV stand around and breaks the plate glass window behind her. Chase and Foreman move in and grab her.]
], Push two milligrams Ativan!
 yelling,"] I want my daughter! She's not yours! I want my daughter. No more experiments. No! [They give her the Ativan, she loses consciousness.]"
Cam, How can her Huntington's test be negative?
Foreman," All the signs are there. Movement disorder, psychosis... It should be Huntington's."
House," Yeah. That'd certainly make your job easier. Well good news for Margo, it's not Huntington's. Bad news for us, the psychotic break eliminates fertility meds; which means we have no idea what's wrong with her. [Sighs imPatiently and shakes hands at the white board.] We give you so much, and you give so little!"
Foreman, You know Patient is prime age to dEvelop spontaneous sParkzophrenia.
Cam, Almost impossible. No family history of mental illness.
Chase, How about toxins?
Cam," None of her family members are sick, nobody at her office, her volunteer group, kid's classes, and PTA members. [Throws up her hands.] All fine."
House," So she raises a daughter, runs a business, she does charity work, she volunteers at school, attends PTA. What makes mommy run?"
Chase, You're thinking drugs?
House," Cocaine. [All but Chase roll eyes.] Explains the psychosis and the flailing, and the uncanny ability to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and nEver Ever let Teddy forget that he's a Man."
Cam, I'll go look for her stash.
House, Take Foreman. There's gotta be a reason for the stereotype.
 then knocks], I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.
House, The door was locked.
Wilson, Means I didn't want to see anyone. [He's rolling joints. Beta Comment: Which is one reason why I love him.]
], High school reunion?
Wilson," It's for a Patient. She can't roll. [Looks toward the balcony.] Now lock that door, too."
House, Paranoia; must be the good stuff. [Sniffs.] Times like these I wish I had cancer. So what did she say?
Wilson," That depends. What did you do, and who are we talking about?"
House, We both know that as soon as we talked you ran to Stacy so you could gossip and giggle. I need to know what she said.
Wilson, I have a crazy idea: why don't you go talk to her?
House, Because my bestest buddy says that could lead to trouble.
Wilson," She sounds confused, but I don't' think she is. I think she's waiting for you to do something to show her you're serious."
]," Wow. It's a big jump from infidelity is morally wrong to ""do her."""
Wilson, I didn't say *do* her. I said do *something.*
House, What exactly did she say?
Wilson, She didn't say it was a mistake.
House, She's not gonna leave Mark in the middle of his rehab; too much guilt.
Wilson, She left you.
House," Harsh toke, dude."
Wilson," House. [House turns, Wilson gestures 'come here', and House takes a joint from his pocket and hands it to Wilson.]"
House, Killjoy.
Foreman, I could've covered this. You need to get that test today.
Cam, I wish you guys would remember my birthday instead of my HIV test.
Foreman," Forgive us for being concerned. [He comes clean.] I got a bet with House. [Cam makes a face.] He says you're too scared to get it, I say you're too anal not to. [Cam rolls her eyes.] I'll cut you in."
Cam, That was a colossal waste.
Foreman, Who would've known? SearParkng a high-end family home for illicit narcotics was such an obvious choice.
], Working moms practically live in their cars.
Foreman, Little bump on the run?
Cam, You were a car thief right? [Foreman gives her a face and tries the door; it's open.] Ha. [Cam sits in the driver's seat and reaches for the glove box and pulls out a pill bottle.] Momma's little helper.
Cam, House! Ritalin.
], Cocaine with a PG rating.
Foreman, Prescribed to her daughter.
House, Mommy does Everything for her family these days. Even swallows their pills.
Foreman, It's possible the kid's meds are the kid's meds.
House," Pop enough Ritalin, it can explain Everything."
Foreman," Well, Ritalin maybe explains some tics, some involuntary--"
]," No, case reports have referred to chorea. She's been cut off from her stash, so the flailing's tapered off and the psychosis hasn't returned. It's perfect."
Foreman, Tox screen will confirm that.
House, Half-life's 12 hours. The drugs'll be out of her system. We're done. Get rid of her.
Foreman, We're not done. We have to confirm the diagnosis before we send her home to die of something else.
House," Oh yes, the power tastes so sweet. You just can't resist. You're like a diabetic at the ice cream counter. You want to say no, but you need that chocolaty goodness."
Foreman," Yeah. Well, I'm still signing the charts. So until tomorrow, you're not allowed to kill anyone. [Walks away.]"
House, Wuss.
Cam, We've asked her three times if she's on any meds.
House, So we don't ask *her.*
House," Candy striper. [Hooks chair with his cane pulls it toward himself. To Stella:] So, you like dogs? [Stella nods. House whistles; bends the balloon into! a shape.]"
Stella, That's not a dog.
], Smart kid. [To Stella.] Are you always such a good little girl? Or does mommy sometimes say you're the reason she needs a double martini?
Margo, Who are you?
]," Over here, kiddo. I'm talking to you. Focus. It must be because you're off your meds."
], Who *are* you?
], Doctor *and* candy striper.
Ted, She's not on any medication.
House," Well that's strange, because this bottle has her name on it. [Shakes it.] And I think these are medical pills inside."
Ted, What's he talking about?
Margo, Doctor prescribed Stella! a few months ago. I nEver told you about it because I nEver gave her any.
House," Hmm. That's funny, 'cause the bottle's almost empty. [To Stella.] You missed a couple of days. Take five."
Margo, Stop.
House," Why? Unless they're not hers. [To Stella.] You need some water, sweetie?"
Margo, I'm not taking Ritalin.
House, Come on. All the cool moms are doing it. And tox screen says you're cool too. [Pulls out paper and holds it out to her.]
Ted, You were on drugs while taking care of Stella?
Margo," [Looks about to deny it, then says.] I'm sorry, Ted. [House unfolds the paper and holds it in front of her face.] It's a cafeteria menu."
], Should take a couple of hours to process her. Then you can take her home and divorce her.
House, Working late? Or are you just avoiding Mark?
Stacy," It was one kiss, Greg."
House, So far. [Comes in.] I'm planning on keeping a chart.
Stacy," I'm moving back to Short Hills, I think it's time."
House, You're leaving?
Stacy, It's nEver meant to be perManent. And now that Mark's getting better!
House, Yeah. Much better. Except for the whole walking thing.
Stacy, He needs to get back to work. [Turns away.]
House, Right; saving the next generation from making bad choices about acne cream. You're running away because the kiss meant something.
Stacy, I'm not running away. I'm going home.
House, With Mark.
Stacy, I love Mark.
], You love me more. [They stare at each other.] I don't want you to leave.
], Are we okay? [Ted nods & smiles.] I'm sorry.
Ted, Let's just get you home.
]," That's a good idea. [She pauses. CGI of a clot lodging in a vein, she passes out.]"
Stella, Mommy!
Ted, Hey!
], Call the code.
Stella," What's wrong, Mommy?"
Ted, What's going on? [Cam takes her pulse.]
House, This better be important.
Cam, You've gotta come back in.
House, No I don't.
Cam," Margo's stable, but--"
House," Oh, my God. Well, I'll be right there."
Cam, She had a stroke.
]," Perfect. [Hangs up, sighs.] Gotta go back to work. [Camera pans as he turns around and we see Stacy in his bed.]"
Stacy, Right now?
]," Well, Patient's stable. [Raises eyebrows.] Could maybe wait a half hour. [She smiles, he puts his arm around her, kisses her, and they go back to whatEver they were doing before the phone call.]"
Cam, He should have been here 20 minutes ago.
Chase, Doubt if he makes it at all. I saw him leave with Stacy.
Cam, He's pRobably just walking her to her car.
Chase," Oh, yeah. That sounds like House."
Cam, He's not an idiot. He's not gonna hook up with a married Woman.
Foreman, I hope he is getting some. Maybe he'll mellow out.
Cam, What took you so long? It's midnight.
House, Traffic. Cinco de Mayo. [To Foreman.] You owe me a 100 bucks.
], You didn't take the test?
House, Fear trumps anal Every time.
Cam, It's not a big deal. I had the viral load and antibody tests. It's 99.9% that I don't have HIV.
House," You have the test and it's negative, you gain a tenth of a point. But if it's positive you lose! nearly 100, right?"
Cam, No arrhythmia. So Ritalin isn't the big pRoblem. Something else is going on.
House, Fine. Let's play doctors.
Chase," I removed the clot which caused the stroke. PRoblem is, we don't know where it came from."
Cam," Did ultrasounds of her heart, arms, and legs. All clear."
Foreman, Could be a protein C deficiency.
Cam, Wouldn't explain the movement disorder.
House," Nothing explains Everything. What if it's a crime syndiCate? Let's say Ritalin and the fertility meds plotted a caper. Ritalin takes care of the psychosis, the flailing--"
Foreman, I still don't think Ritalin--
House, Fertility meds are competitive by nature. They gotta do something bigger. Something really unexpected.
Cam, Fertility treatments have been known to cause endometrial cancer.
Chase, Which could cause clots. Which could have caused her to stroke.
House, So ultrasound her uterus this time. See if there's something growing in there that doesn't look adorable in a onesie. [They all get up and walk toward the door.]
House, Cameron. [She turns.] I love you. [Her jaw drops; he swabs her cheek.] Get your test results tomorrow. [She looks bewildered and leaves.]
 Beta comment, Pretty.]
], The prescription for my heart condition; a bit on the cheesy side.
House, I was trying for roMantic. [They smile at each other and hug.] Still fits.
], Mmm.
House, Did you tell Mark?
], I told him I had to work late.
], You going to tell him?
Stacy," Am I going to tell him? Still working on that phrasing. How about; 'Know all that stuff you were worried about when we first came here, Honey? You were right.'"
House, Pithy.
Stacy, Everything's easy when you don't care if you hurt anyone.
House, You already did the hurting part. He just doesn't know it yet.
Stacy," If I nEver tell him, it'll nEver hurt. [House's brow furrows.] I want not to love Mark. I want to hate you. I want all of this to be simple, but it's not."
]," You can either have a life with me, or you can have a life with him. It can't be both. It's not easy. But it is simple. [She nods.]"
Cam," No endometrial thickening, no masses."
Foreman, No cancer.
House, She's on fertility treatments. She had a blood clot. It's there.
Chase," Millions of women are on fertility treatments, and they don't get cancer."
House, Right. They get babies. She had a blood clot and a stroke. She'll get another one and pRobably die if we don't find that tumor. Do an endometrial biopsy.
Foreman, Biopsy's painful and unnecessary. We just did an ultrasound.
Foreman, What?
House, Shh.
Cam, If you have a personal issue that's interfering with--
House," Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh."
Foreman, What are we waiting for?
House, Your four weeks just expired. Your reign of terror is over. Mine is just begun. Now go stick a needle up her hoo-hoo and find that cancer. [Goes into his office.]
Chase, Hoo-hoo?
Foreman, He went to Hopkins.
], What are you watParkng?
House, TV. What are you doing here?
Stella, Ted's with my mom. He asked the nurse to watch me.
House, What nurse?
Stella, She's not really watParkng me.
], I got that.
Stella, Do you still have the balloons?
House, No.
Stella, Do you want to play something?
House," Nope. [Raises eyebrows, takes feet down, and turns off the TV. Taking her hand they exit together and walk down the hall.]"
Stella, When can Mommy come home?
House, Don't know.
Stella, What's wrong with your foot?
House, War wound.
Stella, Does it hurt?
House, Every day.
Stella, Is that why you're so sad?
]," Oh, aren't you adorable. [He pushes the elevator button.] I'm not sad. I'm compliCated. Parkcks dig that. One day, you'll understand."
Stella, That's what my parents say when they don't want me to know something.
House, They say that a lot?
Stella, Only when they're talking about making babies and stuff.
], And when you catch them fighting?
Stella, They don't fight.
House, Not Ever?
Stella, People who love each other don't fight.
House, Right. Forgot that. [The elevator arrives.] What floor was that nurse on who was watParkng you?
Stella, Two.
], Good talk.
Cam, At your age the type of uterine cancer that dEvelops is not likely to metastasize. It's very treatable.
Chase," Hold still, Margo."
], I--I'm feeling a little bit dizzy.
Chase," Oh, my God. [His glove has blood on it. MaParkne beeps.]"
Cam, BP's dropping. [Margo starts moaning.]
Ted, What's going on?
Chase, Get him out of here. [Camera shows blood dripping onto the floor in a steady stream.]
Ted, What's going on?? [Margo still moaning.]
Cam, Heart rate's 98 and rising.
Chase, We've gotta find that bleed.
Cam," What'd you do, hit an artery?"
Chase, With what? I hadn't Even started the procedure. [They ultrasound Margo's abdomen.]
Stacy, I need some advice.
Cuddy," WhatEver it is, can it wait?"
], Yeah. [Turns back.] What was Greg like after I left?
Cuddy," Uh, an egoManiacal narcissistic pain in the ass. Same as before you left."
Stacy, Do you think he's capable of having a real relationship?
Cuddy, What happened in Baltimore?
Stacy, Nothing.
Cuddy, Right.
Stacy, Maybe something.
], Right.
Stacy," Technically, most of the something happened after Baltimore."
Cuddy," Oh God, Stacy..."
Stacy, I don't know what to do.
Cuddy, Are you seriously thinking about leaving Mark?
Stacy, No. I don't know. I can't.
Cuddy, And you want me to tell you it's okay?
Stacy, It wasn't all bad with Greg. I was with him for a reason.
Cuddy, You left him for a reason.
Stacy, I could swear I remember him being fun. [Cuddy smiles apologetically but says nothing.]
], Sorry for the scare.
Ted, Just tell me she's okay.
Chase," Ultrasound showed the bleed was coming from her liver. It's rare, but the blood got into her Fallopian tubes. In a way, it was lucky. Let us know we were looking in the wrong place. The tumor's in her liver."
Ted, Is it--is it cancer?
Chase, We're running some more tests.
Foreman, There it is.
Foreman, It's a liver tumor.
]," If it's malignant, at least she's only gonna leave one Parkld without a mother. Do a biopsy."
Foreman, We can't. It's vascular.
Mark, House. [Foreman books it. Mark rolls over in his wheelchair.]
House, What?
Mark, I'm here about Stacy.
House, What about her?
Mark, I think I'm losing her.
House," Your wife, your pRoblem. [Walks away, Mark rolls after him.]"
Mark, She won't talk to me.
House," So what, you're gonna talk to me instead? Talk to your shrink."
Mark, She keeps saying Everything's fine.
House, Find a bar and talk to a stranger.
Mark, You're the only one who's been through this. [House stops and turns.] I'm shutting her out. I'm saying things and then hating myself for saying them. How did you get past that?
House, Didn't. [Turns and walks away again.]
Mark, Can you please be a huMan being for one minute and talk to me? [House stops and turns again.]
House," Sorry; gotta go, people dying. [He turns and walks away.]"
Mark, You're not gonna outrun me. [Goes after him]
Mark, House. [Mark comes in and pulls himself out of his wheelchair onto the stairs. House turns and looks at him.]
House, You're not ready for this.
Mark, I've seen the way you and Stacy talk to each other.
House, You're an idiot. You pRobably just set your rehab back three months.
]," Let go of me! Get off of me! [Mark falls down the stairs, sitting on them. House goes back down and through the door, leaving Mark sitting on the stairs.]"
House, Liver tumor doesn't make sense.
Foreman, You saying the CT was wrong?
House, I'm saying the symptoms don't add up. A + B does not equal liver tumor. We gotta solve for X. [He approaches board.] We gotta look at this differently. What do we know about her?
Foreman, Side effects of the Ritalin caused the--
House, No. We've examined the file up and down. Come here. Give me that. Why do you people always overlook the huMan element? [Takes the file and tosses it in the garbage.] What do we know about her? Margo! [Checks the garbage.] Dalton; the Woman.
Cameron, She's a people pleaser. She doesn't like to let people down.
House, NEver fights with her husband.
Chase, She went to drugs instead of asking for help to Manage her life.
House," So if she can't Manage now, why does she want another kid?"
House," Foreman. Need your help here. You want to pull a bank job. Would you go it alone? If you're gonna Rob a home, sure. It's a one or two Man crew. But a bank. Lookout. Getaway driver."
Foreman, I'm not saying anything until the metaphor plays itself out.
House," So here's the caper. Fertility meds create a distraction. Mommy had 3 refills on the Ritalin in the last 3 weeks. That team goes straight for the top floor. Has no trouble taking out communications [Crosses out Psychosis.], but--the specialist, Safe Cracker. All he does is stroke, blood clot, liver tumor. [Circles these on the board.] Foreman was right. This bad ass Even does flailing. Come on. Only one guy I know does that kind of work."
Cameron, Birth control pills? [They all exchange bewildered looks.]
House," While the surgeons are cutting out a chunk of your liver, should I have them do a hysterectomy too?"
Margo, A hysterectomy? I'm trying to get pregnant.
House," You don't have to lie to me. We're not married. You're supermom. You can do anything. You work sEven days a week. You volunteer. Raise a kid. Yet you still somehow find the time to lie to hubby number two that you really, really want to give him a Parkld with his Parkn and pretty brown eyes."
Margo, What makes you think that I don't--
House, Because it fits. Birth control pills caused hepatocellular adenoma. Explains all your symptoms that aren't explained by your other lies.
Margo, That's it?
House, [Pulls out a paper.] Also.
Margo, I'll have the tuna on rye. Would you like to leave my room now?
]," Tumor is benign. Stop taking the pill and it'll go away on it's own. So, I'm cancelling the surgery."
Margo, What are you going to tell my husband?
House," That I'm canceling the surgery. You can do the explaining. It's tricky, huh? It's one thing to say you can't have a baby. It's another to say you don't want one. Personally I'd make up some other lie."
Margo, Could--could I die on the table?
House, Could you die if you tell him the truth?
Margo, I need the surgery. I'm not on the pill.
Cuddy, You can't cancel the surgery.
House," If she goes off the pill, the tumor goes away on its own."
Cuddy," You have no proof the birth control pills caused this, you have no proof she's Even taking them."
House," Well if we do the surgery, maybe we'll kill her on the table. Then I can prove I'm right at the autopsy."
Cuddy," Or, we can forget the surgery, let the tumor grow, and kill her."
House, Why don't you take it up with Stacy? See which option minimizes your risk.
Cuddy," Here's what I think she's gonna say. [Beta Comment: Doing a dang funny Stacey impression.] Oh, I love Greg. But if you go against a Patient's wishes, you're calling her a liar. And if something goes wrong, I end up in court having to defend the big mean doctor, albeit with dreAmy eyes, who wouldn't beliEve the nice suburban mom. And Even though his cane makes me melt, do the damn surgery. [She sits down, scoffs and rolls her eyes.]"
House, Shocking. It's benign.
Wilson, People do crazy things for love.
House, No. Crazy is hanging out in the Park all day talking to pigeons. Margo knows what she's doing. She gave up half her liver to save her marriage.
Wilson," No, she surgically removed her fingerprints to cover up her pathetic lie."
House," It's twisted and Manipulative, I give you that. But it's also...roMantic. [Wilson looks at him like he's nuts.] I'm barely willing to put the seat down after I pee."
Wilson, Do we need to talk?
House, Nope. I'm fine.
Foreman, So the surgeon got the whole tumor. And it was benign.
Ted," That's good, right?"
Foreman, Yeah. Benign is good.
Ted, How could a benign tumor have caused all the symptoms?
], We beliEve all your wife's symptoms will go away now.
Ted," Oh. [He sighs with relief.] Thank God. Look, I'm gonna pick up Stella. [He kisses Margo.] I'll call you after I get the baby-sitter. [He exits.]"
Margo," Dr. Foreman, you can help me. You could tell my husband that... because of all this... I can't take any more fertility treatments."
Foreman, Confidentiality rules stop me from telling your husband the truth. But my obligation to lie ends there.
Margo," Are--are there--is there a birth control method, something that won't make me sick?"
Foreman," Margo, you're gonna have risks with Everything; especially if you're not telling your fertility doctor. If you keep doing this, it's gonna kill your marriage and kill you."
Margo," You don't know. [Smiles.] In a few years, we'll give up. Stop trying to get pregnant. We'll hug; cry. Eventually, Ted will stop thinking about it. And he'll appreciate Stella Even more. And we'll live happily together for the next 50 years. [Smiles and looks satisfied. Foremen looks sick.]"
House, Something you need to see. [He holds out envelope. She looks at him nervously.] Knowing is always better than not knowing.
Cam, It's a referral request.
House, Right. HIV thing came in earlier. [He holds it up.] You're fine.
Cam," You won't read your mail, but you'll open mine?"
House, It said confidential. I wanted to know.
Cam, The most important letter of my life and you're still an ass.
House," Comforting, isn't it? [She leaves.]"
Stacy, Hey!
House, Hi.
], I'm going to talk to Mark tonight. And I'm going to stay here with you. [Smiles and looks nervous.]
House, Don't do it.
Stacy, This isn't funny Greg.
House, I know.
], You... spent all these months chasing me. Now I'm here and you start running? What the hell changed?
House, Nothing. Nothing changes. I'm not going to change.
Stacy, Who asked you to?
House, Mark is willing to do whatEver it takes. I'm not. NEver was.
Stacy," Oh, now you're introspective? Weren't so analytical the other night. [Beta Comment: My mom has this saying! about a cow and free milk."
House, You were happy with Mark. You'll be happy again.
Stacy, Shut up about Mark. What the hell's wrong with you?
], I can't make you happy!
Stacy, What?
House," How do you think this is gonna end? We'll be happy for what? A few weeks, few months; and then I'll say something insensitive, or I'll start ignoring you. And at first it'll be okay. It's just House being House. And then at some point, you will need something more. You'll need someone who can give you something I can't. [Stacy sighs.] You know I'm right. I've been there before."
Stacy, Oh. Oh. It doesn't have to be.
House," It does. It does. [They sigh.] I don't want to go there again. I'm sorry, Stacy. [He leaves, and she exhales forcefully.]"
Chase, 50 bucks says they're divorced in a year.
Cam, 6 months tops.
Foreman, I'll take that bet. It's the perfect marriage. There's nothing to fight over if you nEver talk about anything.
Wilson, What did you tell her?
House, I told her she's better off without me.
Wilson, Huh. That's pRobably true.
Wilson, You're an idiot. You don't think she'd be better off without you.
House, Right. I sent her off on a whim.
Wilson, You have no idea why you sent her off. [House climbs down off the wall.]
House, Don't do this.
Wilson, This was no great sacrifice! You sent her away because you've got to be miserable.
], That kind of psycho-crap help get your Patients through the long nights? Or is it just for you? Tough love make you feel good? Helping people feel their pain?
Wilson," You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got, so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special. Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable. [Wilson leaves, House turns; scene ends on him.]"
Doug," All right, hold on. I got the turn up here."
Adam, Wow! How cool was that?
Doug, That was WAY cool!
Adam, My turn!
Doug," No sorry, it's not allowed. We just signed 15 pages of forms saying you gotta ride on the back of that thing."
Adam, I don't see any Lawyers around.
Doug, You know that's not the point.
Adam," No, you just want to keep all the fun to yourself. [He crosses his arms over his chest.] Come on, dad!"
Doug," You go over 15; we're pulling over, all right? I mean it!"
Adam, You're the best!
Doug," Alright, get on there. Put on your goggles. [He sits behind his son on the ATV, Adam is very excited.]"
Adam, Ready?
Doug," You got the clutch it? Alright, that's my boy!"
Doug," Adam! You're going to go too fast slow it down! I mean it! You're going too fast! Slow down!! Adam!!! [They go around a curve and Doug falls off the back, Adam speeds on ahead.] ADAM!! Let go of the throttle!"
Doug, ADAM! ADAM! NO!!!
Doctor, What've you got?
Paramedic," 16-yr-old, status burnt. ATV crashed, 40% of burns on his body."
Doctor, Nasal tracheal intervention. Start a bag of lactated ringers wide open.
Doug, Will he be ok?
Doctor, [Putting on scrubs.] We'll be with you when we can. Get him out!
Doug," Wait, wait, wait..."
Nurse, I'll start fluids. Let's go get him hooked up. [Doug watches worriedly from outside.]
Doctor, Watch the line.
House," Deia rei marki. Deia rei marki! [Pronouncing something out of the book, Foreman enters.]"
Foreman, Been looking for you.
House, Been avoiding you. Burn unit can handle it.
Foreman," If they could handle it, they wouldn't be asking for you. [Foreman takes out his mobile phone to check something; then he tosses the Patient's file into House's lap. House rolls his eyes.] Is that a Journal?"
House, Friend wrote an article.
Foreman, In Hindi?
House, They have a cutting edge neuroscience program in India. Says so right on the cover [He hands it over to Foreman and looks at the file.] Kid's heart rate's a mess. [He gets up.]
Foreman, Tachycardia can be explained by the burn.
House, I assume the burn unit knew that.
House, His potassium's low.
Foreman, Which can also be explained by the burn.
House," Except I'm sure the burn unit's pumping him with fluids, which means his potassium should be going up, not down."
Foreman, Could be amphetamines.
House, Or a bacteria lunParkng on his heart; or cardiomyopathy or some other very bad thing. He needs an EKG.
House," Eww. 'Kay, no skin, no EKG."
Chase, Is he Even going to survive the burn?
House," What have you got a date or something? [He draws a deep breath.] 40% of his body, if the burns unit can prEvent an infection, his body will regenerate maybe 10%, surgeons will do 20 or so grafts, 6 months in this room he'll end up with a series of nasty scars, maybe some pain but he'll live. [Some nurses in scrubs are washing Adam's burns and scrubbing away the burnt flesh.] Unless his heart shuts down because we can't figure out what's causing the low potassium and tachycardia. We need help from a Belgian doc named Eindhoven."
Chase, He's dead.
House, While he was alive he invented a little ditty called the galvanometer.
Foreman, Where do we get one?
House, Go to an electronics store that's been open since before nineteen-o-five. There's a good chance they got one in the corner of the basement.
Brenda, We need an audio visual set up for the lecture hall.
Cuddy, What for?
Brenda, For the lecture.
Cuddy, What lecture?
Brenda, Dr. Weber's lecture.
Cuddy, Who is Dr. Weber?
Brenda," A neurologist, I think. The memo was from you."
Cuddy, [She looks immediately suspicious and takes a look at the memo.] Where is my assistant?
Brenda, She left.
Cuddy, When?
Brenda, Wednesday.
Cuddy, Seriously?
Brenda," The temp agency sent someone, but she got lost."
Cuddy," Well, when she gets here, fire her."
House, [Seemingly pleased with the results.] Oh yeah!
Cuddy, [Walks in.] Did you issue this memo?
House, Look at that.
Cuddy," [Has no idea what she's meant to see.] Congratulations, the Patient that has been in a coma for 2 years and counting is still in a coma. This is not my signature; I don't know anything about this guy. I'm supposed to introduce him, have lunch? [Lots of red lights on the screen now.] The coma Patient has a migraine?"
House," Oh no, no, no, no, no I gave him medication to prEvent a migraine."
Cuddy," That's a migraine, increased flow velocity in his cerebral arteries."
House, I did subsequently give him nitroglycerine which could possibly--
Cuddy, You induced a migraine headache in a coma Patient?!
House," Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now."
Cuddy, Have you Even read an ethical guideline?
House, Well if you are to try out a new migraine prEvention medication on someone who can actually feel pain...
Cuddy, Did you sign this?
House, Errr... yeah. [Grabs his cane.] We can talk later about the appropriate discipline. [Gives a low sexy growl and then limps out.]
Cameron," Because of the burn, we can't perform any of our normal tests to see what's wrong, so we're going to try a galvanometer."
Cameron, It picks up a pulse in the wrists and the ankles. Hopefully it'll tell us whether his heart rhythm is abnormal.
Doug, What have I done to him? I...
Emily, It was an accident! So... he's got all these burns and err... and now there's something wrong with his heart?
Cameron, We're trying to figure out if the two were somehow connected. Had he been sick lately?
Emily," [They both shake their heads.] No, nothing."
Cameron," Anything unusual with his behavior, had he been tired a lot?"
Emily, Nothing.
Doug," He was great, he was happy, he was just having a great time and then..."
Cameron, If he was experimenting with amphetamines or cocaine..?
Emily, No. We gave him some pot about a year ago to try--
Doug," It was just once. We thought if we took the mystery out of drugs and alcohol, the less he'd experiment."
Cameron, We'll know more after the test.
Doug, It looks like they're going to electrocute him [Panics quietly.]
Foreman, Plug it in.
Chase, You plug it in.
Foreman," Fine, give me the cord. [He plugs it in, the galvanometer starts drawing the heart waves on to the paper.] Works. Prominent U waves."
Chase, And a bit of T wave. No ischemia.
Foreman, Q wave normal. [Looks again.] That's not good.
Foreman, Chase! Turn it off! Turn it off!
Doug, What's happening?
Emily, What is that?
Chase, [Into the intercom.] Anesthetist get in here.
House, [Walking in.] Who electrocuted my Patient?
Foreman, He had a seizure.
Cameron, He wasn't electrocuted.
House, [SearParkng through some books on his shelves.] What does the seizure tell us? [Turns around to see Chase leaning against the desk.] Move.
Cameron, What are you looking for?
House," Same as you - love, acceptance, solid return on investment. [SearParkng the papers on the desk.] Differential diagnosis, go."
Chase, Could be epilepsy or seizure disorder?
Cameron, Not with the tachycardia. It could be a virus in his brain.
Chase, Your specificity is impressive. Adrenoleukodystrophy.
Foreman," Could be MS, seizures could be caused by plaques and lesions on the brain."
House," [Finally finds the file he was looking for on another table and picks it up.] Well let's find out which, get an MRI. [Walks out.]"
Foreman, No nuclear imaging. [House walks back.] He wouldn't survive the move to radiology. MRI and CT scan are both out.
House, [Big sigh.] Ok. Lumbar puncture will tell us if his proteins are elevated and at least we can exclude MS. [Walks out again.]
Chase, Can't do a lumbar puncture either. [House walks back in again.]
House," You're cramping my exits. Don't tell me, no skin on his spine."
Chase," We'd be inserting a needle into an area that's teeming with bacteria. If he doesn't have a brain infection already, we'd give him one for sure."
Cameron, There's no other way to look at a brain.
House, Transcranial doppler sonography.
Foreman," She said brain, not pregnant Woman's uterus. They do sound alike."
House, I used one to look at a brain this morning.
Foreman," Why didn't you take the Patient to radiology, get an MRI?"
House, [Looks behind to check if anyone's listening in.] Obviously I was doing something illegal and using nuclear imaging would have raised questions.
Foreman, You're not going to get a diagnosis of MS from a sonogram!
House," Not definitively, but Patients with MS have more reactive neurons in their occipital cortex. [He walks out yet again, but quickly peers back in.] Ok then."
Cuddy," Thank you for all coming to today's lecture by Dr. Phillip Weber. Who is our guest today at our hospital to talk about... [She obviously doesn't know.] Headaches. Dr. Weber is at the Weber Center for Pain. That makes sense. [Mutters as though she is trying to remember something.] Weber, Weber. Erm, so please welcome Dr. Weber."
Weber, Thank you Dr... [Pretends to check his file.] Cuddy. [The audience laughs. Cuddy pretends to smile but spares House a glare before exiting the lecture theatre.] I suppose I should tell you err... a little bit more about myself.
Weber, I went to school in Virginia. [You can hear him in the background.]
Wilson," You've nEver been to one of these things in your life, who is this guy?"
House, [He shrugs.] No idea.
Wilson, What's with the outfit?
House," Sudden Parklls, and light sensitivity. Inexplicable."
Weber," I received my medical degree at Johns Hopkins University, where I studied under BrightMan and Gilmar."
Wilson, [Looks thoughtful.] Hmm! He must be good. You went to Hopkins and studied under BrightMan and Gilmar.
House, Shhh...
Weber, This helped me to win the Doyle internship at the Mayo Clinic.
Wilson," You were supposed to get the Doyle internship. [He looks between House and Weber, suddenly realizing.] This guy's von LieberMan?! The guy got you thrown out for cheating?"
House, The Dean threw me out. Von LieberMan just ratted on me.
Wilson," This guy's name is Weber, not von LieberMan."
House, I call him Weber von LieberMan. Way eviler. Shh.
Weber," --and the receptors have improved the acute treatment of migraines. To this point, the prEvention of-- [He continues in the background.]"
Wilson, So what's the plan? You going to wait 'til he bends over then make a fart sound?
House," I'm not here about the past, he's a bad scientist."
Wilson," Well you cheated off him, how bad can he be?"
House, He got the answer wrong.
Doug," Are they trying to wake him up? They can't do that, right? He'd be in too much pain."
Cameron," Don't worry, he's still under, but the brain nEver completely sleeps, it's always working; controlling your heart rate, breathing, temperature."
Cameron," The eyes respond to visual stimuli, blood flow increases in certain areas in the brain and we can track that with the sonogram. With MS, blood vessels are more reactive so flow is faster. If Adam has an infection, they'd be swelling which would constrict the arteries, and the flow would be slower."
Foreman, [Looks concerned.] Chase. Near the subarachnoid space. [Chase looks at the screen in alarm.]
Weber, [Writing on the whiteboard.] Data from control subjects were analyzed in a two-way ANOVA with status and side as within subject factors.
Wilson, Uhh... you stalked this guy for 20 years just for this shot to humiliate him?
House, Shh! I'm trying to learn.
Weber, --vessels without significant rebound. [He continues in the background.]
House, He doesn't Even know what that means.
Wilson," You're going to interrupt him, aren't you?"
House, If I have a question.
Wilson, And what's that going to accomplish?
House, Why can't you just enjoy this? Why can't you just be happy for me?
Wilson, You have got to find less Debilitating outlets than humiliating people! I... hear bowling is more fun than stalking.
House, But I'm better at this.
Weber, If P is less than point zero... [The door to the lecture theatre opens; Foreman quickly spots House and crouches in the row next to him.]
Wilson, Blow a ton of money on a plasma TV.
Foreman, We found a subarachnoid bleed.
House, Bleed in the head isn't causing seizures.
Wilson, It could be. 10% would damage the cerebral cortex and have seizure.
Foreman, Or bacterial meningitis.
Wilson, Viral encephalitis?
Foreman, There's no way to tell without--
House, [Slightly too loud.] Shut up!
Weber, [Stops and turns around.] Excuse me?
House, Not you.
Weber, You know if my lecture is interrupting your meeting I can wait.
House," Bahut shukriya (Thank you very much). [Wilson furrows his eyebrows in confusion.] As your people say in India, 'preciate it. [To Foreman.] We'll figure out why later. And fix the bleed or he dies. Talk to you in a couple of hours [Foreman leaves, to Weber.] Teri maa ki (Roughly translated ""in your mother's.."" yep he is cursing!) [He puts his hands together and nods his head in a gesture that clearly is supposed to mean thank you. The expression of confusion on Wilson's face is priceless.]"
Chase, I'm in the subarachnoid space.
Foreman, Can you get it?
Chase, Think so. [After a moment.] Put the pRobe back where I can see the wire!
Foreman, We're looking for the bleed--
Chase, Look when I get there! I'm flying blind without a contrast CT here!
Weber," And with a P value of less than point zero zero one, we have strong statistical evidence that this drug prEvents migraine headaches without daily administration."
House, Err... excuse me doctor.
Wilson, [Mutters to House.] He knows his field better than you do.
House," It's always been my understanding that err, unless you follow a daily regimen, no drug can prEvent a migraine."
Weber, That's why they call it a breakthrough.
House, That's why YOU call it a breakthrough.
Weber," No, the... err pharmaceutical company sponsoring my clinical trials also hails it as a breakthrough."
House, I'm sure your wife and Lawyer do too. Is there anybody who doesn't stand to make a fortune from it calling a breakthrough?
Weber, Who are you?
Wilson, [Mutters to House.] Just a lunatic who desperately needs a hobby.
House," And how exactly did these studies work? You give this drug to a bunch of people and if they don't get a migraine you go ""voila, my drug works""? [He points to a lady sitting a few rows below him.] Erm, excuse me miss, uh do you have cancer? [She frowns in disbelief and shakes her head; House looks back up at Weber.] Wow! [He points to the bottle she's been drinking from.] Mango juice prEvents cancer!"
Weber," Uh, perhaps I should have taken my medication before this lecture."
Weber," We had a very specific control group. Chronic migraine sufferers, I don't have time to go through all the math right now but the incidence was dramatically--"
House," Sure, in India. Two plus two equals five there, right?"
Weber, Do I know you?
House, I know your math skills. They blow.
Wilson, [Mutters.] Touch�.
Weber, You sound very familiar.
House," Why did you publish it in an obscure journal in India? Why not publish it in really, really cool head cases of South Philly?"
Weber, Neuroscience New Delhi is a respected journal.
House, Yeah. The guy running Slurp 'N' Gulp tells me its one of the best.
Wilson, [Mutters to House.] Get a hooker. Anything.
House, See I'm thinking that publishing studies is pRobably the easiest way to get a pharmaceutical company to give you a reach around. And choosing a journal that no one can actually read well that's... that's shrewd. [Wilson is going facepalm beside him.]
Weber, [Has been walking up the steps closer and closer to House.] I know I know you.
House, Sure you do. Dick.
Weber, The name's Phillip.
House," Oh, my bad. Something to do with your face. I always think your name is Dick."
Weber, [Realizes.] House?!
House, Here.
Weber," Medical school was 20 years ago, give it a rest, grow up."
House," Yeah, you were always the grown-up. Do the responsible thing. Tattletale!"
Weber, You cheated!
House," I cheated then, you're cheating now! Your drug doesn't work."
Weber," Oh yes, you would like to beliEve that because it plays right in to your fantasy."
House, I tested it.
Weber, Oh really? What were your parameters? Where's your study?
House, [Quickly looks over at Wilson.] Room 2134.
Weber, One Patient?
Wilson, [Blurts out as it clicks.] The coma Patient? [House gives Wilson a look.]
Weber," You haven't changed a bit. You took shortcuts in Med school, you're taking shortcuts now. You cannot test this on an abnormal brain."
House," That's so close-minded. He's not abnormal, he's... special."
Weber," Cerebral cortex atrophies in coma Patients. You need live conscious people. You don't know Everything, House."
Foreman," Something that disrupts brain function. Plaques are perfect, interrupt neuron communication."
Chase, MS?
Foreman," No. MS is compliCated, I think this is more basic. It's just tachycardia and seizures. How much longer the burn unit guys gonna keep him in that thing?"
Cameron," [Enters with scrubs on.] Lecture's over, let's go. House wants to-- [She peers into the hyperbaric chAmber and can see Adam's eyelids flicking open and close.] Adam's waking up."
Foreman, [Into the intercom.] Get the anesthesiologist in here now!
Cameron, He's in pain.
Foreman, [Looks in through the other window in the chAmber.] That's not pain. [Back into the intercom.] Need some help in here.
Cameron, Adam had an orgasm.
House," What? You mean while he was se-- [He suddenly gasps in the middle of the word and slams his hand down hard on to the table. Cameron jumps a little in surprise. House's expression could really either be interpreted as immense pleasure of the orgasmic variety, or immense pain.]"
Cameron, What's wrong?
House, I'm having a migraine.
Cameron, Are you ok?
House, Hah. Yes. I was right. [A strong burst of pain hits him hard and he groans before pushing his clenched fists against his forehead.]
Foreman, It'll knock you out for a couple of hours.
House," [Weakly.] No, I got work to do. Just give me sumatriptan for the pain and Verapamil so it doesn't recur. I heard the Patient had fun in the hyperbaric chAmber."
Foreman, Yeah.
House, Gotta schedule me some time in there.
Foreman, [Takes the bottle of Weber's cure from House's hand.] Weber's meds aren't Even legal in the US.
House, It's legal in India. I was disoriented.
Foreman, Err! moving around is a bad idea. Hey if you feel chest pain you need to let me know. Verapamil can cause congestive heart failure.
House, Nothing can hurt my heart.
Foreman," Hey you're going to feel some dizziness, definitely going to be constipated."
House, Differential diagnosis for getting off. [Sits himself down on a chair at the big table.]
Cameron, Is he going to be ok?
Foreman," No, something's seriously wrong with him. [He draws a circle on the side of his forehead in the almost-universal gesture of a crazy person.]"
House, [Pushes the chair aside and lies down on the floor under the table.] Different diagnosis for ejaculation. [He takes a huge book off the table top and uses it as a pillow.] Don't make me say that again.
Foreman," We're not stalling you, we just don't know. [The Ducklings all take seats around where their mentor lies.]"
House, Then guess.
Cameron, Could pain medication cause an orgasm?
House, I wish.
Chase, Maybe pain caused the orgasm. You get a tattoo; the brain releases endorphins which create pleasure.
Cameron, Most people don't orgasm from a needle prick.
House," Actually Chase has a point; the brain is like a huge train station. If the switches get-- [Looks like the pain is back full swing, he gasps.] -- you're the neurologist, talk for me."
Foreman," If sensory information got misinterpreted by the medial forebrain bundle, it's possible for bad to feel good and good to feel bad."
House, He's a lucky kid. Let's not fix him until the burns heal.
Chase, So what attacks the medial forebrain bundle?
Foreman," Infectious neuropathies, vasculitic neuropathies"
Cameron," Crab's disease, metachromatic leukodystrophy."
House, All very bad things. No way to look for any of them in his condition.
Cameron, Could be an infection.
Foreman, I said infection about 8 seconds ago.
Cameron," You listed some brain infections, but what if it's just a regular old infection festering in the burned skin?"
Foreman, Pus on his arm isn't causing pRoblems in the forebrain.
Cameron," He's on 20 different medications to Manage his pain and his heart, how often he urinates. His brain is like a waiter that's got too Many--"
House, Heyy! I do the metaphors.
Cameron, [Sighs.] The brain is stressed. An infection's elsewhere could put it over the edge.
Foreman," So we just wait for his burns to heal to see if you're right? If you're wrong, he doesn't have that kind of time."
House, Dominic Larrey.
Chase, He another dead doctor?
House, He was Napoleon's Surgeon in Parkef. Cleaned a lot of battle wounds.
Foreman, By amputating legs.
House, And with bugs.
Cameron, Maggots are implanted directly into Adam's burns.
Doug," Maggots... they eat dead people, I..."
Cameron," Maggots eat dead flesh, only dead flesh, so they're perfectly suited to clean wounds. They also kill the bacteria that thrive in injured tissues."
House, Ohh! [He grimaces.]
Wilson," [Standing there with hands on his hips.] Dr. Jekyll I presume, they found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, police wanna ask you a few questions."
House, [Points at the mug.] Need something to wash it down.
Wilson, Coffee? Bad idea. [He raises his voice deliberately so the volume almost sounds like shouting - obviously he's trying to torture poor House with his migraine.] You're better off with water.
House, Coffee's closer.
Wilson," [Grabs the mug before House and dashes off into the conference room.] Fool-proof plan by the way. Either his meds would work and you'd be in psyParkc pain because von Evil is going to be rich. Or they wouldn't, and you got to be in agony all day. [Wilson pours a glass of water for House, but takes all the teaspoons on the counter and dumps them into the sink deliberately with a LOUD clang. House grimaces again.] Perfect lose-lose situation. Very you."
House, I had to prove--
Wilson, You proved nothing. [He hands House the glass of water.]
House, Right. This isn't a migraine.
Wilson," Yeah. Dear New England Journal of Medicine, I took this guy's drug and still got a headache thus scientifically proving that my archenemy is an idiot. You just wanted the pain."
House, The meds are supposed to prEvent migraine.
Wilson," You get distracted by pain, leaves less room for the things you don't want to think about, like the Flyers sucking or the price of gas or... ohh, the fact that you pushed the love of your life out of your life."
House," God I wish the pain, [Turns his head to give Wilson a pointed look.] would go away."
Wilson," Next time you need to get your mind off her, stick a needle into your eye. It's less annoying to the rest of us when you can still walk. [Wilson walks out; House grimaces once again at the sound of the blinds.]"
Cameron, Did you sleep here?
House, [Suddenly wakes up and looks at the Ducklings all looking worriedly at him.] Lower.
Cameron, [Whispers.] Do you want a pillow?
House," Not softer, lower. Frequency of your voice is grating."
Foreman, You should have been better by now.
House, I'm super. Patient?
Cameron, The maggots did great for the burn [Sighs.] but the brainwaves are still all over the map.
House," Which means your regular old infection isn't causing his brain dysfunction, which means there's an underlying condition which means we gotta get inside his head. Do a lumbar puncture."
Chase, We've already established that we can't get a lumbar puncture.
House," C2, C3."
Foreman," No, no, NO way. I only saw a cervical tap once and that guy got paralyzed."
House," Ask the parents if they prefer to have their son in a wheelchair, or dead."
Foreman, Something's causing his brain to lose control. Eventually it'll shut off. We need to do a lumbar puncture to get some of the fluid in his spine so we can test it.
Emily, You need us to sign a consent?
Foreman," I have to warn you, there's a serious risk of paralysis, or death."
Doug, Are you saying we shouldn't do this?
Foreman, You have to do this.
Emily, Then why are you telling us what can go wrong?
Foreman, I just think you should know.
Emily, Either you're cruel or this is a way for you to cover your ass incase you cripple our son!
Doug, This isn't his fault.
Emily," No it's not; it's yours, that's what you keep telling me! My son is lying in there half-dead I am just trying to find a way to get through this. [She signs the form quickly.]"
Doug, I'm sorry.
Emily," Yeah, I know. [She walks off.]"
Foreman, Needle. [Chase passes it to him.]
Foreman, It's not going in.
Chase, Don't force it.
Foreman, I'm going one space higher.
Chase," It's too close to his brain stem, it'll herniate. [Foreman looks determined.] You're going to paralyze him!"
Foreman, Not helping! [The monitors start beeping.]
Chase," His blood pressure's spiking, stop!"
Foreman, I'm getting it.
Chase," He's 180 over 120, he's going to stroke!"
Foreman," I'm in the space, give me the vial. [Chase quickly does so and they collect the spinal fluid. The monitors stop beeping erratically.]"
Foreman, He doesn't have MS or an infection.
House, His proteins aren't elevated?
Foreman," Wrong protein. IGM, not IGG. Elevation was pRobably caused by the bleed."
House, What if there was tingling in his extremities prior to the crash?
Foreman, How can you still be on MS?
House," I gotta be on something. Something's interrupting his neurons Parktchat, like lesions."
Foreman," We can't scan for them, the only test we can do, we just did and it was negative. He has no tingling, no numbness. And you read his history; parents didn't say anything about--"
House, What about Adam?
Foreman, We can't look into his brain but you want us to read his mind?
House, Good point.
House," Yeah, you can finish the sponge bath in a minute."
Anesthesiologist, They're just re-doing his dressings. He's out. He's fine.
House, I didn't page you to put him out; I paged you to wake him up. Why are these lights so damn bright?
House," Thank you. Come on, I need to talk to him."
Anesthesiologist," House, you can't wake up a burn victim to play 20 questions. It's torture."
House, He won't remember.
Anesthesiologist, He's going to be in extraordinary pain!
House," God you're good, you're putting me to sleep! I know he's going to be in pain, I know you disapprove, I'm his attending. Wake him up."
Adam, Oh my god!
House, I'm Doctor House.
Adam, It hurts!
House," It's going to get a lot worse so answer fast. Before the accident did you experience any numbness or tingling in your fingers? [Adam looks down at the burns on his chest, he's panicking and scared and in a LOT of pain.] You got burned, it's healing. I need an answer!"
Adam, It really hurts!
House, Any tingling in your arms or legs?
Adam, Can you do something? I can't..!
House, Adam! You gotta listen to me! Did you feel anything?
Adam," [Screams in pain.] Pissed my pants and... then... I don't remember. [He screams again very loudly, they inject something to sedate him again.]"
Cameron, Is he ok?
House, Get Everyone in my office. [He limps past her.]
Cameron, Where are you going?
House, Kid's screaming gave me a headache. Gotta take an aspirin.
Cameron," House, you ok? We've been waiting for you."
House, [He slowly looks up at her.] I'm hallucinating.
Cameron, [She puts her stuff down hurriedly.] Hallucinations with migraines are pretty uncommon. [She checks his pupils.] What did you see?
House, I saw music.
Cameron, Sensory deception makes no sense.
House," Shhh... [We see Cameron through House's eyes, she's all blurred up. We also hear her from House's ears and she echoes badly.]"
Cameron, You took something. The kid's fighting for his life!
Foreman," Hey, you find him?"
Cameron, He was hallucinating in the locker room.
Foreman, He ok?
Cameron," He's feeling no pain, he is high."
Chase, Vicodin high?
Cameron, Past that. He's seeing sounds. Took something.
House," Why's it so dark in here? Beautiful day outside, open the shades, let the sun shine in."
Cameron, Its night time.
House," It's still Tuesday, right?"
Foreman, You look better.
House, I took something.
Foreman, Mind if I ask what?
House," Err... a little of this, little of that. And I was wrong with our Patient, he's depressed."
Cameron, He told you that when you woke him up?
House, Nope. Told me he pissed his pants and he blacked out.
Foreman," That's not diagnostic of depression. Lack of appetite, isolating yourself--"
House, Uncontrollable urination and blacking out are good predictors of what?
Cameron, Seizure.
House, Which means the seizure he had when you tested his heart was at least a second seizure.
Foreman, So what? Depression and seizures aren't correlated.
House," No, but you know what is? Depression and anti-depression medicine."
Chase, Tox screen was clean.
House," Yeah, but you know how much crap he's got in his system from dealing with those burns, the guy could have the Spanish Armada floating through his bloodstream and we wouldn't know about it. Until they started firing cannons."
Foreman, Antidepressants have been known to cause seizures in kids but not orgasms. This is a brain in trouble.
House, This is a brain with too much serotonin.
Cameron," Serotonin affects mood, appetite, it doesn't cause a brain to shut down."
House," Antidepressants fake brains into thinking they have more serotonin than they actually do. Every 10 million or so cases, sets off a chain reaction; produces too much, enough to fry itself."
Foreman," If Adam has Serotonin Storm, it's deadly."
Chase, But treatable. Cyproheptadine.
Cameron," Unless he doesn't have Serotonin Storm, he could just as easily have too much dopamine as serotonin, but if it's dopamine the cyproheptadine will kill him."
Chase, Where are you going?
House," Going to talk to the kid again, seems nice."
Cameron, You can't.
House, Why? Did he say he doesn't like me?
Cameron, Anesthesiologist told the parents what you did.
House, Everyone's a tattletale. [He switches off the lights in the office and leaves.]
House, Is your son depressed?
Emily," No, who are you?"
House, I'm doctor House.
Emily, Oh you're the idiot who thought that--
Doug, I heard him screaming all the way down the hallway!
House," If I didn't wake him, I wouldn't have learned what caused the crash. We think he had a seizure."
Doug, [Long pause.] This wasn't my fault?
House," Well if he hadn't had the brain pRoblem, he wouldn't have the burns. On the other hand, if you hadn't put him on the ATV, he also wouldn't have the burns. You can Debate your personal responsibility after I leave. I need to wake him up again. I need to know if he's taking antidepressants."
Emily, He's not.
Doug, He's the happiest kid I know.
House," But you don't know, do you?"
Doug, He's my son.
House," Hmm... that's sorta my point. At sixteen, they'll tell anyone anything, except their parents."
Emily, Adam talks to us about Everything.
House," Yeah, I know about the pot and the cocaine."
Emily, There was nEver... cocaine! What!
House, You sure? Are you having him followed?
Emily, He told us when he got drunk at a party; he told us when he started having sex--
House, Sixteen. Way to go.
Emily, He told us when he cheated on a math test; he told us when his girlfriend cheated on him! He doesn't hide anything from us.
House, But if he was depressed...
Emily," He'd tell us. We don't Judge, he's not depressed, we're sure."
House, Bet-his-life-on-it sure? Just hypothetically.
Doug, Yeah.
House, Okay.
House," Kid's happy; happy, happy, happy."
Cameron, Then we're back to where we started. Seizure disorders.
House, Seizure disorders aren't causing orgasms.
Chase, Vascular malformations?
House, Would have seen it on the sonogram.
Foreman, Hepatic encephalopathy?
House, [Shakes his head.] Liver enzyme tests were normal. [He looks like he's thought of something and gets up to go out again.]
Cameron, Where are you going?
House, To take a leak.
Doug, What are you doing?
House," Can't come in here, you're not sterile."
Emily," Don't touch our son, we told you!"
House," Seriously, millions of bacteria, micRobes on you. He'll die of sepsis."
Emily, If you go in there...
Doug, I think he's going to wake him up again!
Foreman, I know he is. [He rushes into the prep room and quickly tries to wash his hands.] House! You can't do this!
House," Oh if I had a nickel for Every time I've heard that. Relax. Are they going to sue us? If I'm right, I save his life. If I'm wrong, he's dead no matter what I do. Either way, how much have I really hurt them? [House has loaded up a syringe with whatEver it is he plans to inject Adam with.]"
Emily, [From outside the room.] Leave him alone!
House, You're not sterile; do you want to kill the kid?
Foreman, Give me the syringe.
House," [Prepares to use the syringe.] No pain, no gain."
Foreman, Hey! [He grabs House's arm.] You gotta stop this!
House," [Has paused by that point and is inspecting something on Adam's wrist.] They're right, he's not depressed."
Foreman," Yeah sure, I'm not letting you go until you give me that syringe."
House, What's that on his wrist?
Foreman, [He looks down at it - it's a circular burn mark on Adam's wrist in the middle of what is otherwise unblemished skin.] A burn.
House, Why on his wrist?
Foreman, Why not on his wrist?
House," His back, his torso, Everything's a mess, forearms are clean. Except right there."
Foreman, So what?
House, It's a perfect circle.
Foreman," So a drop of burning gasoline fell on his wrist, a screw from the ATV [He Manages to finally get the syringe from House.]"
House, Maybe. [He inspects Adam's fingers and finds a yellow nicotine stain on the side of Adam's middle finger.]
Emily, Why are you torturing him?
House, Does your son smoke?
Doug, I'd kill him.
House," [Smiles.] So, he talks to you about sex, crack, anything except cigarettes. He has a cigarette burn on his wrist, also a fading nicotine stain between two fingers. Bad news, your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news, he's trying to quit. Bad news, the quitting is killing him. Good news, I can cure him. Bad news... nope, that's the end of it."
Emily, Quitting smoking can kill?
House, No-smoke meds are antidepressants. Crappy ones you can get over the internet are loaded with whatEver antidepressants they can get cheap. [Foreman walks out and hands House his cane.] Since mommy and daddy obviously didn't take him to a pediatrician. Sorry I was wrong about him being depressed. [To Foreman.] Treat him.
Cuddy," [Walking in.] Hey, did you drop acid?"
House, [Swivels his chair around.] Why would I do that?
Cuddy," To annoy me, or maybe because you're miserable, or... because you... want to self-destruct. Pick one."
House, How about because LSD acts on serotonin receptors in the brain which can stop a migraine in its tracks? I'm just saying that's also a possibility. How did you know about it?
Cuddy, Cameron is worried about you. I told her that LSD lasts up to 12 hours; if you were functional she must be wrong.
House," Well, either that or I also took a whole bunch of antidepressants which short-circuited the LSD. I'm just saying that would also explain it."
Weber, Thank you for ruining my clinical trials. Pharmaceutical company is shutting me down.
House," You're kidding, really?"
Weber," How could that surprise you? You sent them an email complaining about my math, telling them about your stunt."
House, I didn't know people actually read emails. The delete button is so conveniently loCated--
Weber, So what's next? You going to follow me my whole life? Torture me?
House, Why would I do that?
Weber, You waited 20 years to do this. What's next? Break up my marriage?
House, No. We're Even.
Weber," Right. [He starts to walk out, then stops and looks at Cuddy.] Oh thanks, for setting me up. [He walks out, Cuddy gives House a disbelieving look.]"
House," An eye for an eye, LSD and antidepressants. Everything in balance. [He starts tossing the ball into the air and then catParkng it.] Buddhists call it karma and Christians call it the golden rule, Jews call it... [Cuddy gives inquiring look.] I don't know. Rabbi Hillel said something poignant. Universe always settles the score."
Cuddy, Does it?
House," No, but it should."
Doug, Do you think you'll Ever be able to look at him and not blame me?
Emily, Yeah. Will you?
Stranger at the door, I'm Paula.
House, Hey Paula.
Paula, How you doing? You work over at the college? Or are you full-time over at the--
House," I'm looking for a distraction. You don't need to talk to do that, do you?"
Alex, Ugh. I think I'm gonna puke.
Austin, Not on this dress.
Alex, I'm serious.
Austin," Kate Moss was doing this at 13 you have 2 years on her. (She smiles.) Yeah, that's what I like to see. You got this. Next show, you're bride."
Dad, Did Austin just offer you bride?
Alex, It wasn't a real offer daddy he was just being nice. These shoes are gonna be impossible to walk in.
Dad, You've done this a hundred times before all right. The runway is just a little bit longer here.
Alex, One of the girls said Madonna's in the front row.
Dad," Sweetie, sweetie, hey. Come on. Are you going to be able to do this? All right. Come here, come here. (He leads her behind a rack of clothes.) Here, hold this. (He hands her his glass of champagne.) The doctor gave me these for anxiety, all right. It'll calm you down. Here. Come on its okay. (He hands her a pill.)"
Austin, Where's Alex? Alex you're up. (She takes the pill with the champagne.)
Dad," Go, go, go; knock them out."
Model," Are you okay? (Alex hits her with a wicked right hook, knocking her off the runway and into the crowd. Must have thought dad meant it literally.)"
Dad, Alex!
Wilson, How'd you get here?
House, By osmosis.
Wilson, No helmet?
House, Didn't seem like riding weather.
Wilson, And the fact that you can barely stand upright had nothing to do with it?
House, Infarctions hurt that's what they do.
Cuddy, (She tries to hand him a file as they walk past.) House. (He ignores her.)
Wilson," Worsening pain could actually be a good thing, means the nerves might be regenerating."
House," Could be good, could be bad. Thanks for the differential. Any other options?"
Wilson, Have you Ever considered a career as a motivational speaker? Why don't you check out some rehab?
House, I did the rehab thing.
Wilson, One session and you didn't Even finish that session.
House, The guy wanted me to visualize the healing. (e opens his pills.) I can do that at home.
Wilson, At least let me get you an MRI.
House," It's a very simple equation; more pain, more pills. (He takes a pill.)"
Cuddy," Teenage super model. Presented with double vision, sudden aggressive behavior, cataple--"
House, You had me at teenage supermodel. (He enters the elevator.)
Dad," You okay? (She nods, House enters.)"
House, Wow you should be a model. Are you really 15?
Dad, Who are you?
House, I'll be the one saving her life today; assuming she's dying. Who are you?
Alex, He's my father.
Dad, Any idea what's wrong with her?
House," From the looks of it, not a single thing. I pRobably should stop staring and check out the file. So what set off the brawl? She stand in your light?"
Alex, I didn't Even know her. I didn't know what happened.
Dad," Look I know some models are notorious for hissy fits, but Alex, I've nEver Even seen her get angry. Even when she was a kid she was--"
House, I'm sure she was delightful in her youth. And then you passed out.
Alex, I was passed out but I wasn't. I... I knew what was going on but I couldn't move or talk.
House," Yeah, sounds like a medical thing. It's called cataplexy; cat fight and cataplexy on the catwalk. Cool. How much were you drinking?"
Dad, She only had one sip of champagne. (House rolls his eyes.)
House, Forget it. We'll find out from the tox screen.
Dad," All right, look, I gave her a valium. You think that's what did this?"
House, No. How long have you had the sweats?
Alex, A couple of days.
House, Any other complaints?
Alex," Uh, my stomachs been bothering me, and I've been feeling a little nauseous."
House," Okay. Here's how this works; my lackeys will be by shortly to draw some blood, collect some urine, any other fluids you've got, they'll do some other doctorly stuff and we'll be in touch. (He walks out into the hall where Cameron is waiting.)"
Cameron, Since when do you voluntarily go see Patients?
House, Have you seen her?
Cameron, She's fifteen.
House," Yeah, but there's something about her. Something in her eyes, a kind maturity."
Cameron," Yeah, yeah, she's an old soul. This is creepy Even for you."
House," She's a fashion model, on the cover of magazines. They hold her up as a sexual ideal; the law says we can't touch her for three more years. How hypocritical is that?"
Cameron," Did the history rEveal anything, oh I don't know, medically relevant."
House," History. Right, knew I was forgetting something. You should do one of those while you're writing the labs and the tox screen. (He hands her the file.)"
Cameron, Labs show valium and heroin in her urine.
Chase," A super model on smack, shocker."
Foreman," Okay, let's start crossing out withdrawal symptoms. (He goes over to the whiteboard.)"
Cameron, A positive test means she tried it once. Doesn't mean she's an addict. She's only fifteen.
Foreman, There's no age limit on addiction.
House, He's right.
Chase, She's nEver menstruated. Sounds like a symptom of drug addiction to me.
Cameron," Or bulimia, or her age. Some girls don't start till their mid to late teens."
House," Evidence to the contrary; the rounded hips, the perfectly sculpted bountiful breasts."
Chase, Implants. I've seen some of her photos. They've grow dramatically since last summer.
House, Symptomatic of turning fourteen. Two clinic hours says that those love apples were hand crafted by God. (Foreman scoffs.)
Foreman, I thought you didn't beliEve in God.
House, I do now.
Chase, You're on.
Cameron, Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?
House," Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, there's nothing to be ashamed of, Many women dEvelop breasts -- (He gets up while he's talking and stumbles, they all look at him.) No, I'm fine."
Cameron," Even if she is an addict a lot of her symptoms, the cataplexy, the violence, they could be neurological. We chalk this up to drugs we could be releasing her with juvenile MS, or Parkinson's --"
House, Detox her.
Foreman, Fine. We'll set her up on a program; they'll wean her onto the methadone.
House," And in four weeks we'll know you're right. Or we'll know that Cameron's right and the pretty girl will do Milan next fall in a wheelchair. Put her in a coma, pump her full of naltrexone. Cut the four weeks to one night."
Foreman, Lab reports show that your daughter had heroin in her system. Were you aware of her drug use?
Dad, No.
Foreman, We think she's suffering from withdrawal symptoms. Detoxing generally takes sEveral weeks; the danger is that if the drugs are masking some other illness it could worsen before we've weaned her off the heroin.
Dad," Well, how much worse?"
Foreman," We don't know, because we don't know what's wrong. There is a rapid detox procedure. We flush her system with an opioid antagonist. It'll end her addiction over night. But the process is dangerous, because we have to induce a coma. It also means that if she Ever relapses there's a good chance she'll overdose, because her body won't react to the drug."
Dad," So either way, I'm! I'm risking her life. Do you have to tell her how dangerous it is?"
Alex, Is it dangerous?
Foreman, There are certain risks; we've gone over them with your father.
Alex, And he's not worried?
Alex," Oh, Everything's starting to hurt. My legs--"
Chase, Heroin withdrawal is an extremely painful process but we're going to put you to sleep. You won't feel a thing.
Alex, Promise?
Chase, I promise.
Alex," It was a pretty stupid thing to do, huh."
Chase, Getting hooked on drugs? Yeah not the best move you've Ever made.
Alex," I just, I thought it would be fun."
Chase, You don't have to explain to us.
Alex, A lot of the other girls were--
Chase," When you wake up, you'll feel a lot better."
Dad, Nurse! Nurse!
Commercial Break, Buy things!
Dad, You son of a bitch you killed her.
House, She's not dead.
Dad, She had a heart attack!
Foreman, She's stable now. The anesthesia!
Dad, Get her out of that coma.
House, I don't think so. (He starts to walk away.)
Dad," Stop this. Alright, I! I don't consent anymore. I want to do the slow detox."
House," (He stops and faces the father.) Did you Ever get a paper cut? A really nasty one, between the fingers? Multiply that by about a billion and you just barely approach the kind of suffering she'll experience if we wake her up now. We're committed to this. She's out till morning go get a book. (He walks away.)"
George," I haven't slept in weeks, because my teeth hurt. Dentist couldn't find any cavities. And I'm getting these headaches."
House," Oh, poor you. (He pulls out his pills.)"
George," I think I'm going crazy. And my stomach, I roll out of bed and I want to puke."
House, I take it you're married. (He takes a pill.)
George, You must be psyParkc. (He holds up his left hand with wedding ring clearly visible.)
House, You must be witty. When's she due?
George, How'd you know she was--
House," Because I'm doing her. You've got couvades syndrome; which is just a fancy way of saying you should stop whining. Millions of women have got the same thing, they're not bugging me. You're suffering from sympathetic pregnancy. Gotta go. People dying. Whole circle of life thing. (He gets up to leave.)"
George, It's all in my head?
House," No, it's all in your hormones. Good news is no ones gonna lecture you if you smoke and get drunk."
Dad, Shouldn't she be awake by now?
Chase, It's only been a half an hours since we stopped the medicine.
Dad," Well, you said that's how long it would take."
Chase, I said it would take about a half an hour.
Dad, Couldn't this mean something more?
Chase, So far it means nothing.
Dad, She had a heart attack. She could have brain damage. She cold have something more!
Chase, She's opening her eyes. Alex are you okay? Can you hear me?
Alex, Huh. I got the cute doctor.
Chase," Heh. (He smiles.) Do you feel any pain? (She shakes her head.) Good let us know if anything changes; if your stomach doesn't feel right, anything. (He moves away.)"
Alex, Are you mad at me daddy? I let you down.
Dad," No, no, not at all sweetie."
Alex, I should have been more mature. I should have handled the pressure.
Dad," Stop, stop. We're going to get you better, all right. Nothing else matters."
Chase," Excuse me. We've got you on what we call a banana bag; vitamins, nutrients."
Alex, I got the cute doctor. Are you mad at me daddy? I let you down.
Dad, What's going on?
Alex, I should have been more mature. I should have handled the pressure.
Dad, What's wrong with her?
Foreman," Anterograde amnesia, short term memory loss, evidence of a hypoxic brain injury; might be the result of getting cut off from the oxygen when she flat lined. PRobably the result of that rapid detox you told us to push on her. You gonna put that down? (House puts down his 'Celeb' magazine and inhales, holds his breath.) You gonna sulk? (House shakes his head.) I'm not gonna indulge you. (House checks his watch.) Treatment for hypoxic brain injuries consist of! (House exhales.)"
House," Cameron, Chase and the dark one; Foreman, right? Patient flat lined for like 30 seconds, got to be oxygen deprived for longer than that to lose brain function."
Cameron, We can't be sure how long she was--
House, Her brain's fine.
Foreman, Memory loss. You're saying that's not a neurological symptom?
House, No. I'm saying what I'm saying. Her brain's fine.
Chase, She's faking?
House, She's got post traumatic stress disorder.
Chase, We got models fighting in Iraq now?
House, Show me a Woman on heroin who looks like that (He hold up a magazine picture of Alex.) and I'll show you a Woman who's been sexually abused.
Cameron, That's your proof? That she's good looking?
House," He Manages her career, travels the world with her, at her side 24/7; he's either a very good dad or a very bad dad. You saw that tuchas, would the fact that she's your daughter really stop you?"
Chase, (Scoffing.) Oh.
House, Her brain is running away from reality. When the drugs can't do it anymore it starts to shut down.
Foreman, Your theory has the advantages of being completely unprovable and completely exculpating you.
House," When you guys are done talking do an MRI and an LP; when her brain checks out as normal then we'll know that daddy really, really loves her."
Cuddy, Where's House?
Nurse, Said he was in too much pain to work.
Cuddy, Who's covering?
Nurse," He called 15 minutes after his shift started, too late to find anybody. (The nurse hands Cuddy a file.) Exam room 1."
Cuddy, Hi
George, Where's doctor House?
Cuddy, Wish I knew. What's the pRoblem?
George, It's personal.
Cuddy, And its so personal he didn't bother writing anything in your chart.
George, It's getting worse.
Cuddy, What is?
George, It's personal.
Cuddy, Fine. You can wait.
George, Doctor. (He opens his shirt! he's got breasts.)
Cuddy, I'll tell you what. I am gonna give you Dr. House's personal pager number.
Foreman, Why would your mind go to abuse so fast?
House, I had a funny uncle.
Foreman, You were abused?
Foreman, I don't know if it has something to do with this case or if you have something personal going on. The whole break up thing--
House, It's personal.
Foreman, House. Your pain is affecting your decision making.
House," You got a pRoblem with a call I make, question the call don't make it personal."
Foreman, Are you saying pain can't affect your mood? If I'm right about the pain you're going to want to rush Everything; which is what you're doing. Don't.
House, (House looks like it may have made an impact.) Thank you. Are you doing your daughter?
Dad, What?
House," We should pRobably talk privately huh, come on, walk with me. (Foreman shakes his head.)"
Dad, I'm not.
House, He's not. Sure he's not. She is a babe though.
Chase, We're gonna need you to keep still.
Alex, (Her toes are still wiggling.) I am.
Cameron, What do you think that means?
Chase, It's either neurological or psychological. The only thing we know for sure is that it's gonna screw up the MRI results which is gonna make House think he's right.
Cameron, This is a waste of time let's just get the LP.
Dad, I should take your head off. (House checks the dad's glands.)
House," Your glands are fine. So now you're my Patient. You've got doctor-Patient confidentiality, no worries. So what did you do to her?"
Dad, How could you possibly think?
House, Hard to imagine anyone not wanting to nail her.
Dad, You son of a--
House," It's a compliment. The heart shaped ass, those perfect perky all natural breasts."
Dad, That is my daughter you're talking about.
House," No, that's your daughter you were talking about. (House opens his magazine.) 'She just instinctively knows how to walk. Designers just love that heart shaped ass, those perfect perky--'"
Dad, I'm her Manager I have to promote her.
House," Oh, that makes sense. So you compartmentalize. When you're dealing with the press you're her Manager. When you're helping with homework you're her dad. When you're making sweet, sweet love you're her Manager."
Dad, All right. (He starts to leave.)
House, Do you love her?
Dad, I nEver touched her.
House, Do you love her?
Dad, What are you doing? Trying to trap me into saying--
House," Do you love her enough to admit that you slept with her? Psychological conditions can Manifest themselves in physical pRoblems. Sometimes these can be extreme enough to kill. There are treatments, but only if there's a diagnosis. Are you going to admit that you slept with your daughter or are you just gonna let her die?"
Dad, One time. (House throws the magazine in the trash and walks out.)
House, PTSD. Get her a psych referral and pack her bags. He did her.
Cameron, Don't think so.
House," Daddy thinks so. Could be mistaken, said he was drunk, could be some other daughter."
Chase, Elevated proteins in her CSF. (He hands House the test results.)
Foreman," You're wrong about PTSD, and I was wrong about the hypoxic brain injury. Daddy didn't do this to her and neither did we."
Commercial Break, Buy Stuff!!
Cameron, We have to call Parkld protective services.
House, Doctor-Patient confidentiality.
Cameron," Doesn't apply in abuse cases, you know that. We're Mandated to report sexual abuse."
House, Is it okay if I save her life first or do you want to make sure daddy doesn't get visitation rights to the grave site?
Foreman," Okay elevated proteins in her CSF could mean dozens of different things, viral encephalitis, CNSV."
Chase, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.
Cameron, So we're just gonna leave a Parkld molester in the same room as his victim?
House," It's got windows. (She glares at him.) Fine, arrest him. Use Cuddy's handcuffs."
Cameron, If you're too distracted to deal with this because your leg hurts.
House," (Loud and angrily.) Yeah, I'm distracted. I'm all hung up on this fifteen year old Patient who's cataplectic, can't remember what she had for lunch and is rapidly losing control of her body. And I want her father here in case they've got any more secrets that I need to know about. Now, if you're not too distracted go take out a piece of her brain and stick it under a microscope. (He sees Wilson out in the hall.) Wilson! (Wilson stops and waits.)"
Foreman," Whoa, whoa, whoa, you really think we need to jump straight to brain biopsy?"
House," No, lets keep playing pin the diagnosis on the supermodel until she's dead. (House joins Wilson in the hallway.)"
Wilson, Heard you killed your supermodel.
House, Only for a minute.
Wilson, Just for my own clarity. How Many more Patients do you have to kill before you admit this leg thing just might be a pRoblem?
House, Three. I need your help.
Foreman, We're gonna do something called a burr hole biopsy. We drill a small opening in the back of your skull--
Dad," Doctor, maybe you and I should talk about this first."
Foreman, No.
Dad, I just think Alex doesn't need to be overwhelmed right now.
Foreman, I think she should have a say in what happens to her body. (She looks from one to the other and twitches.) We're gonna remove a small piece of brain tissue.
Alex, Do! do you have to shave my hair?
Foreman, Hair grows back.
Alex, Guess I won't remember anyways.
Foreman, There's a good chance the amnesia's only temporary. (She twitches.)
Alex, Okay
Cuddy, Find a way to kick up the contribution. (She hangs up the phone when Cameron enters.) What did House do now?
House," Look, I'm a little busy right now. Not supposed to talk during these things. Got time Thursday?"
House, (Smiling.) You'll have to check with Cameron.
Cuddy, (Enters the MRI Lab.) House.
House," Quick, God, smite the evil witch! (Wilson wisely says nothing.)"
Cuddy, Are you sitting on evidence that your Patient was sexually abused by her father?
House," God, why have you forsaken me?"
Cuddy, Don't worry. I have contacted Parkld services for you. I let you get away with more than anyone in this hospital. Shielding a Parkld abuser isn't covered. (Inside the MRI maParkne he mimics her.) Cooperate with this investigation or Ill fire you.
Chase, What do you think House is gonna do to you?
Cameron, No idea.
Foreman," Well, you did the right thing. If you hadn't gone to Cuddy I would have."
Chase, If this guy'd known we'd have to report him he'd nEver have told House the truth.
Cameron," She's a Parkld, she needs to be protected."
Chase, She dropped out of high school to make millions of dollars. Why does she need more protection than some crack whore shivering in the clinic waiting room?
ForMan, I think you're just afraid to piss House off.
Chase, There's that too.
Wilson, MRI looks exactly the same as it did two years ago. Nerves don't seem to be regenerating.
House, I figured as much.
Wilson, SEveral researchers have proven that psychological pain can Manifest as physical pain.
House, You think I have a conversion disorder? You want me to see a shrink.
Wilson," Brilliant idea, sending Stacey away, it's really done wonders for you."
House, Listen none of this has anything to do with Stacey.
Wilson," Right; giant coincidence that you've gone completely off the rails since she left; inducing migraines, worsening leg pain-- (House whacks him with his cane.) Ow!"
House, Aw. You miss Stacey too?
Chase, Brain biopsy shows no white matter disease.
House," Cameron, you going to tell Cuddy or has she already got you wired for sound?"
Cameron, I had to do what I thought was right.
House," So white is out, that just leaves grey."
Foreman," Neuronal ceroid lipofuscinosis, Heller syndrome."
Chase, Any one of the mitochondrial encephalopathies.
Cameron, Am I in trouble? (Is this the same person who was accusing him of being distracted not three scenes ago.)
House, You had to do what you thought was right. They call it grey area because you nEver really know what's there. We can't test for any of those things.
Cameron, So I'm not in trouble. (Focus!)
House," You can torture yourself all you want. What if Everything we're seeing, is just smoke signals."
Chase, Okay. Who's sending them?
House," Tumor. If she has cancer anywhere in her body, she could also have paraneoplastic syndrome which could be causing antibodies to attack her brain. Antibodies are stupid that way."
Foreman, Paraneoplastic syndrome is awfully rare in a fifteen year old.
House," Fifteen year olds who look like that are awfully rare. It would explain the aggressive behavior, the cataplexy, the memory loss, Even the twitParkng. It's perfect."
Cameron, What if it's not? We could waste weeks searParkng for a tumor that we don't Even know is there.
House, Then let's make sure it is there.
Foreman, There's no test for paraneoplastic syndrome.
House," Sure there is, the squeeze the tube test."
Dad, What did the biopsy tell you?
Foreman, It wasn't definitive.
House, But the twitParkng should stop right about now. (The twitParkng stops.)
Alex, Oh my god.
House, Could've just been a coincidence. TwitParkng does tend to stop and start. Let's be sure. (He squeezes the tube and she twitches.) The IVIG vacuums her blood neutralizes the stuff that's making her twitch. It's actually kind of cool. (He does it again.) I wonder if could make you dance.
Foreman, Enough.
Dad, This is unbelievable. You did it. You fixed her.
House," No, all I did was prove that she has cancer."
House, I need a favor.
Cuddy, I'm not in a giving mood.
House, It'll help us both. I need a shot of morphine in my spine.
Cuddy," If your leg hurts, take your vicodin."
House, It's not enough. Get a syringe.
Cuddy," Morphine is extreme, Even for you."
House," Yeah, write that on the insert."
Cuddy, Get one of your lackeys to do it.
House, I don't want them knowing.
Cuddy, That you're on the road to becoming a junkie?
House, That I'm in this much pain. I don't want them questioning my judgment. I can't ask Wilson because he figures its all in my head.
Cuddy," Well, I agree with him. I'm going home."
House," (He throws his cane and pulls his pants down.) Well, what about this?"
Cuddy, What are you doing?
House," Is this in my head? (Whoa, he has a wicked scar.) Cause I could swear I remember a thigh muscle being here. (He breathes heavily.)"
Cuddy, I'll get a syringe.
House, It's gotta be cancer.
Wilson, It's not cancer. You seem to be back to your old miserable self.
House," So I just randomly predicted she'd respond to IVIG? Her twitches are gone, her memory's getting better."
Wilson, What did you take?
House," If the increased pain's psychological, no drugs gonna help."
Wilson, If you thing it'll help the drugs will help. Power of the mind.
House," You're right. The more I talk to you, the more the pain floods back. (He looks at a scan.) Knew the twins were real. Chase owes me. You check the pancreas?"
Wilson," Oh come on, you're just making up organs now aren't you. We checked the pancreas. Obviously you've taken something."
House," You check the bones? There are a lot if bones, I think."
Wilson, And none of them have cancer.
House, Ovaries?
Wilson," There's no mass, if anything they're undersized. No leukemia. No Hodgkin's. We checked Everything. Unless they've invented a new organ, it's not cancer."
House, Differential diagnosis.
Foreman, It's gotta be cancer. There's gotta be something we missed.
House, You gotta learn to let go Foreman.
Chase, Maybe the protein lEvel was some sort of anomaly. It might still just be PTSD.
Cameron," Just PTSD. Yeah, daddy's diddling her, nothing to worry about."
Chase," Okay, let me rephrase. Maybe the protein lEvel was some sort of anomaly. Oh my God it might be PTSD."
Foreman, If it was PTSD the twitParkng wouldn't have magically disappeared when we started the IVIG.
House," (Snaps fingers.) Wrong. What it wouldn't have done was medically disappear, nothing to stop it from magically disappearing. She was watParkng me start and stop the medicine."
Cameron, You think she's faking?
House," Not consciously, but if her subconscious is trying to get away from it all cancer's got to be a lovely vacation spot. Tell her you've got to give her a fresh IV. Don't tell her you're starting her on saline. See if the twitParkng comes back."
Foreman, How long has the social worker been in there?
Cameron, Just went in. She was in with the dad before.
Foreman, You switched the girl's IV?
Chase, About a half an hour ago.
Foreman, When's she gonna start twitParkng?
Chase," If she's gonna start twitParkng, another few minutes. We've got to wait for the remaining IVIG to clear her system. (The social worker comes out and walks toward them.)"
Cameron, That was quick. What's gonna happen?
Social Worker, What did you think was gonna happen?
Cameron, The father had sex--
Social Worker, Do you have any medical evidence of that?
Cameron, He admitted--
Social Worker, He denies that conversation Ever took place.
Cameron, She--
Social Worker, She denies it too. I'm sure you meant well. (Cameron watches the Social Worker leave and then goes into Alex's room.)
Cameron, You have to tell her the truth.
Alex, Nothing happened.
Cameron, You don't have to be afraid of him. They can protect you.
Alex, From what? Things are fine.
Cameron," You think things are fine, they're not."
Alex, He's my dad.
Cameron, He's abusing you.
Alex, He's not a bad person. I seduced him.
Cameron," You're the Parkld, He's the adult. He had the responsibility--"
Alex, I got him drunk. I had to get him drunk. I wanted to have sex with him.
Cameron, You're sexually attracted to your father?
Alex," No, but by sleeping with him now he lets me do whatEver I want. I also slept with my photographer, my financial Manager, and my tutor; if I hadn't I'd be getting C's and posing for newspaper ads back in Detroit. Come on, we all do it."
Cameron," No, we don't. After your father slept with you, you were traumatized."
Alex," My dad was last. You've nEver taken a run at your boss, or professor, or somebody else you needed?"
Cameron, You're fifteen. You're smart. You don't have--
Alex, I am not that smart. I am that beautiful. (TwitParkng starts again.) What's wrong with me?
Woman, (Screaming.) George get your butt over here.
George, Help me.
House, How did you get my pager number?
Woman, Please.
House, PRoblem is if I give you an epidural you won't be able to feel when to push.
George, You're not funny.
House, Pretty sure I am. You just can't appreciate it because you're in pain.
Woman," George, if you don't get off your ass and help me."
House, Oh shut up! You've got yourself the perfect Man; a Woman. He's got more estrogen coursing through his veins�(Light bulb.)
House, Who did her vaginal exam?
Cameron, I did
House, Did she have hair?
Cameron, What are you getting at?
House, Right now I'm getting at whether or not she had hair down there.
Cameron, Uh! not much.
House," She's Manipulative, yet completely docile. Everybody tells us that outburst on the catwalk was out of character. She's nEver had a period."
Cameron, You're thinking this is hormonal?
House, I'm thinking she's the ultimate Woman. (He stops to speak to a nurse who is on the phone.) I! (He hangs up the phone by pressing the button.) I need to schedule an MRI.
Alex, The twitParkng stopped.
House, Because we changed your medicine back to the real stuff. Stop talking.
Alex, You gave me fake medicine?
House, That's what I said; in the vain hope that you wouldn't feel the need to also say it. Stop talking.
Cameron," Wilson already did an ultrasound, said her ovaries were undersized."
House, The ultrasound would be the way to go if you were looking for ovarian cancer.
Cameron, What are we looking for? (The maParkne beeps.)
House, That.
Cameron, Oh my God.
House, Looks like a tumor doesn't it?
Cameron, But those are.
House, Yep.
House, We found a tumor.
Dad, She has cancer.
House," Technically, no."
Dad, So its not cancer?
House," No, it's cancer. But, he has cancer, on his left testicle."
Alex, I don't have testicles.
Dad, She's not a guy.
House," His DNA says you're wrong. Frogs and snails and puppy dog tails. You've got male pseudohermaphroditism. See we all start out as girls and then we're differentiated based on our genes. The ovaries dEvelop into testes and drop. But in about 1 in 150,000 pregnancies a fetus with an XY chromosome, a boy, dEvelops into something else. Like you. Your testes nEver descended because you're immune to testosterone. You're pure estrogen, which is why you get heightened female characteristics; clear skin, great breasts. The ultimate Woman is a Man. Nature's cruel, huh?"
Dad," This is obviously a joke, this is impossible."
House," No, a joke would be me calling you a homo. See the difference? I'll schedule him for surgery."
Alex," (She gets out of bed.) No, you're wrong. I'm a girl. (She pulls off her gown.) Look at me! How could you say I'm not a girl? See! They're all looking at me. I'm beautiful!"
House," Anger, it's just the cancer talking. Put your clothes back on. I'm going to cut your balls off. Then you'll be fine. (She covers up, crying and looks at her dad who turns to look out the window.)"
Cuddy, How's the Patient.
House, Post op. I sent him slash her up for a psyche visit.
Cuddy, Calling her him slash her isn't really helping.
House," Good news is, I don't think dad's going to be sleeping with him slash her again. See, now it's gross. I need another shot."
Cuddy, When did the pain start coming back?
House, A few hours ago.
Cuddy, About an hour after you solved the case.
House, If I wanted to be psychoanalyzed I'd get Wilson to give me the shot.
Cuddy, Same dosage?
House," If you would be more comfortable, I might be able to deal with a few CC's less morphine."
Cuddy, It wasn't morphine.
House, What did you give me? I told you I wanted--
Cuddy," It was saline, I gave you a placebo. (She leaves him standing there looking contemplative.)"
Woman, Two spades.
Man, Three hearts.
Woman, It's all yours.
Henry, I'm forced.
Man," And that's five. And that's six. Not bad. [to Amy] On a slam contract, you normally want to play your winners early."
Amy, Sorry Dad.
Henry," Nah, you're learning, you're doing fine."
Woman, Carny GilMan's a good player. And a widow.
Henry, I should take her out because she can play bridge? You're a true roMantic.
Woman, You should ask somebody out. You think Cecile's not dating yet?
Man, Cecile was dating before she left.
Woman," Oh shut up, Mark."
Henry," No, I have a partner, and she's doing great."
Woman, Amy should be out having fun.
Amy, I'm having fun.
Man," Yeah, look like you're having the time of your life."
Man," One, no trump."
Woman, Ooh!
Amy, I'm just a little nauseous I umm... I think I ate too much. Can we take a break?
Henry, Of course. Excuse us?
Henry, What did you eat?
Amy, Nothing weird.
Henry, Have you been drinking?
Amy," No. Dad, you know I--"
Henry, Because I don't mind if you--
Amy, Dad? Dad? Dad?! What are you doing?
Amy," You're scaring me, it hurts! Let go!"
Amy, What are you doing?!
Man, Henry! Henry! Let go of her!
Henry, --the occasional drink doesn't bother me but... what?
Amy, [staring at him in confusion] You ok?
Henry, What's the matter?
Foreman, You had what's called an absence seizure. Anything like that happen to you before?
Henry," No, nothing."
Amy," He's been really healthy. He jogs, he eats right, he--"
Henry," Well I did have a headache last Sunday, and for the past 2 years I've been getting acid reflux a lot and I thought that err... antacids were all I needed. Should I have come in sooner?"
Foreman, For acid reflux and a headache? [shakes his head]
Henry," [looks undecided then speaks to Amy] You know, I hear the coffee downstairs is really good. Could you get me a cup, Honey? [as Amy walks out the door] Would you mind closing the blinds?"
Foreman, His right testicle is almost twice as big as his left.
House, Cool.
Chase, It's pRobably testicular cancer.
House, No. That's impossible.
Chase, The symptoms all indiCate--
House," The shoes aren't right. [Chase and Cameron are confused of course] Here's how testicular cancer would Manifest itself. First the Patient would get the exact symptoms that he's got, then Foreman would examine him, then he'd suspect testicular cancer on the count of the symptoms being so perfect, then he'd stick a needle in it, then he'd call a surgeon. And while that guy operates, the rest of us would be out bowling. And since we're not wearing bowling shoes, the disease obviously did not progress in that fashion."
Foreman," LP showed some white cells, but his MRI is clean."
House," Sure, if you call a micro-abscess in his brain ""clean""."
House, What you don't trust me?
Foreman, Are you talking about the left temporal lobe?
House, Neat! You can see through my hand!
Foreman, It's just a shadow.
House," Or it's an infection. When guys have brain-crotch pRoblems, it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little."
Foreman," Blood and urine were negative for syphilis, gonorrhea and chlAmydia."
House, So treat him for all 3. Stat.
Cameron, Umm... negative means he doesn't have it.
House," No, negative means he pRobably doesn't have it, which means he pRobably has cancer."
Cameron, I thought we were wearing the wrong shoes for cancer.
House," We're wearing the wrong shoes for testicular cancer. They're perfect for lymphoma. [he looks down at their shoes] Except Chase's, they're just goofy."
House," Lymphoma could cause infiltrates in his reproductive organs and his brain. If it does advance he's dead no matter what we do. [he starts to walk out the door] So give him the STD meds, and hope the tests were wrong."
House, Spinook. [takes up the box of chocs] Who's the lucky Woman?
Wilson, My wife.
House," No, I don't want to know who gets the chocolates; I want to know who you're having the affair with."
Wilson," [to the guy behind the counter] Fell on his head as a Parkld, tragic."
House," Norwegian chocolate. Frankly, you buy that stuff the terrorists win."
Wilson," Some people bottle up their feelings, have them come out as physical pain. Healthy huMan beings express feelings such as affection by giving gifts."
House," Gifts express guilt. The more expensive the expression, the deeper the guilt. That's a 12 dollar box so that means you haven't slept with her yet, or she wasn't that good."
Wilson," It's not all about sex, House."
House, Really? When did that change?
Patient, I wanna get depo provera.
House," [is surprised, but hides it as he closes the door] Actually, at your age, as long as you're careful, the risk of you getting pregnant is pretty limited."
Patient," Yeah but it would calm me down, right? If I get a high enough dose."
House, You mean calm as in... peaceful lake on a cool summer Evening? Or in the lesser used meaning of nothing can Ever bother you again because life has absolutely no meaning? High dose of depo provera will chemically castrate you.
Patient, Yeah. [long silence]
House," [draws a deep breath] Ok... I'm going to get up to leave now. I'm going to walk to that door, turn the handle, and then you're suddenly going to decide that you have to tell me the truth. I'm going to have to turn around and come all the way back. You see the thing is, my leg hurts. Can we cut the walking out of the equation?"
Patient, I love cows.
House, [is puzzled. Pops a vicodin] Any particular variety? Guernseys? Holstein?
Patient, Which are the black and white ones?
House, Oh god.
Patient," I pass a farm on my way to school. And they're so beautiful. They're so majestic I dream about them. Leather shoes, hamburgers. How can anybody do that to a cow?"
House," Make love, not belts. Beautiful."
Patient, I haven't actually--
House," Oh relax; it's something we doctors deal with all the time. And I'm going to write you the name of a drug, you don't need a prescription and looks just like depo provera."
Patient, But does it do the same thing?
House," Oh god no. That stuff has all sorts of nasty side effects. It's real medicine. Now this is all you need, your frat buddies will be completely fooled. You tell them how appalling the doctor was, lots of laughs."
Foreman, We think you may have a sexually transmitted disease.
Henry," No, it's not possible."
Foreman," Sir, maybe we should speak in private? [we see Amy behind Foreman in a wider shot]"
Amy, Have you tested him for this?
Foreman, The tests were negative.
Henry," Well, then it's not that. So what else could it be?"
Foreman," Nothing good. If you've been having sex, you HAVE to tell me."
Henry, I have not had sex since my divorce.
House, I didn't ask him to take the medicine; I asked you do give him the medicine.
Foreman, He hasn't had sex in over a year.
House, He's lying.
Foreman, He knows what's at stake. We should start treating him for lymphoma right away. Maybe if we hit him hard and fast--
House, [spots Wilson talking to a nurse] Wilson! How long can you go without sex?
Wilson, How long can you go without annoying people?
House," No seriously, a week? A month?"
Wilson, I'm not having an affair.
House, I didn't say you were. Not in this conversation. [Wilson looks fed up and walks away] I'm talking about a Patient!
Foreman," People have impulse control, we don't NEED sex."
House," Well not like air, but as a biological imperative, sure we do. There's two things we get stupid for - money and sex, and since money rarely enters the bloodstream. Was his daughter in the room when you asked if he had sex?"
Foreman," I told him we could talk privately, he didn't care if she was there."
House," [checks his watch] It's almost noon. The little girl would go to lunch. Soon as she's out the door, you're going to get paged. Then you page me."
House, Lunch is early huh?
House," Hi, I'm doctor House. I hear you'd rather die than admit you had sex."
Henry, I'm sorry I... couldn't tell my daughter.
House," Right, coz she's what? 22?"
Henry, I slept with her mom.
House, She pRobably knows that's happened already. Roll over.
Henry," My wife had an affair, I forgave her. She had another affair and I forgave her again and... Amy thinks I was an idiot."
House, [he takes out some needles and preps them] So smart. You must be very proud. Roll over.
Henry, I assume that you've been in love.
House, Is that the one that makes you pants feel funny? I'm starting you on a cocktail of STD meds.
Henry, Amy is just getting over it. She barely spoke to her mom for months and if she thought that it was happening again and that's why I got sick... [he grimaces in pain as House jabs in the needle] We... we just happened to be at the same Italian cheese-tasting thing.
House, Cheese is the devil's plaything.
Henry, It was just the one night.
House, Well you're obviously completely over her.
Henry, Amy thinks love leads you to make stupid choices.
House, You're certainly setting a good example for her.
Henry," She just doesn't get it. If you're not prepared to look stupid then nothing great is Ever going to happen, right? On the other hand, I guess your testicles aren't gonna explode either. [House is deep in thought over what Henry just said]"
Amy, Dad? Is Everything ok?
Henry, [pulls the blankets over himself] I have a sexually transmitted disease.
Amy, How's that possible?
House, He met a Woman in church.
Amy, Does she play bridge?
Henry, [laughs] Does she...? [his laugh turns into choking. He coughs out frothy bloody sputum as alarms start beeping over the monitors]
House, Crash cart!
Henry, Is this another seizure?
House, Shut up.
Nurses, Coming in! [they pull in a cart with all the necessary equipment]
Nurse, Here you go [nurse hands House a bag to ventilate Henry]
House," 40 milligrams (some drug, I can't make out what he's saying above the beeping of the monitors) Knock him out."
Amy, How would an STD do this?
House, It wouldn't.
Chase, It was flash pulmonary edema. We took a litre of fluid off but the pRoblem wasn't with his lungs. It's his heart. There are vegetations obstructing his mitral valve.
Foreman, It's not an STD. Lymphoma wouldn't erupt that suddenly.
House," So what is it? A disease that attacks his brain, heart and testicles. I think Byron wrote about that."
Cameron, Could be psittacosis.
Chase, ChlAmydia cultures would have come back positive.
Foreman, Strep viridans can hit the heart.
Cameron, Wouldn't mess with the reproductive system. [House walks over and Cameron hands him the whiteboard marker] Maybe things aren't so nicely connected. He's 65. We could be looking at multiple systems just starting to break down independently.
House," Way to a Man's heart is through his stomach. [he circles ""Acid Reflux"" on the whiteboard]"
Chase, He's had acid reflux for years. It can't be relevant.
House, Seems there are other ways to kill people besides having sex with them. [He tosses the marker to Chase; Foreman looks suspicious as he tries to work out what House is thinking]
House," You don't need this so much. [he extubates Henry] PRoblem is not your lungs, it's your heart. That Italian cheese thing at the church - what sort of cheese?"
Henry, Why do you need to know?
House, I'm having a fondue party. Was it sheep cheese?
Henry, Might have been. Why?
House, Was it soft?
Henry, Yeah.
House, Taste like crap?
Henry, Uhh... yeah. Bitter.
House, [takes a container out of his pocket and pops a small cube of cheese into Henry's mouth] Taste like this?
Henry, [chews in surprise] Yeah. But... how did you?
House, That was regular low fat American. I added some bacteria for flavour.
Amy, You fed him bacteria?
House," It's pretty much on Everything. Especially the unpasteurised sheep cheese they make in the Alps. That stuff will give you brucellosis. Key to a long life - exotic women, and boring cheese. I'm going to start you on rifampin and doxycycline."
Henry," Doesn't make any sense. I mean nobody else at the ""church"" got sick."
House," 99.9% of ""Christians"" have so much acid in their stomach they become churning cauldrons of death for all those nasty brucellosis bugs. But you were taking antacids for your acid reflux, so that turns your digestive tract into a pleasant scenic river for all those bacterial tourists. [CGI of acid in stomach killing bacteria, then of Henry's stomach where the bacteria just float through]"
Wilson, You sure you're right?
House," Absolutely. Your socks don't match, which means you got out dressed in the dark, which means you don't want to wake your wife which means you don't want to talk to her, which means--"
Wilson, I was referring to your Patient.
House," Oh that. No. Come on, I'm basing it on cheese!"
Wilson, How long before you get the tests back?
House," We'll know before that. If I'm wrong, he'll just keep getting worse and slowly die. And if I'm right, either we caught it in time he gets better, or we didn't and he goes into cardiac arrest at any moment. [House SCORES at foosball!]"
Chase," Paddles! Charging. 250. Clear! Charging, 300. Clear! Charging, 360. Clear! Epinephrine. [We start to hear no sound except that of the paddles charging and clearing. Chase continues in his efforts to revive Henry, Amy is crying in shock in a corner]"
House, Are you going to tell her?
Wilson," That you suspect an affair? Sure. She already hates you, why not?"
House, Because you think that getting it off your chest will let you sleep better. It won't. You'll end up sleeping on my lumpy couch.
Wilson, There's nothing to tell.
House, Why are you playing foosball here at 8 o' clock at night?
Wilson," You always want to simplify Everything. Boil it down to nice, easy equations, nice easy answers."
House, [starts walking off] Go home and have sex with your wife.
Chase, His heart is back and sinus rhythm. Has a lot of damage though.
Cameron, It was brucellosis but we got to it too late. Vegetation broke off into his main coronary artery and caused an infarction.
Foreman, His heart muscle's half-dead. He'll be lucky to last a week.
House," Other than that, how's he doing? [the Ducklings look a little disbelieving] Seriously. His brain, testicle, lungs, tonsils. How's all that other stuff doing?"
Cameron," Uhh his brain is clear now, and so is the genital and urinary tract and his kidney function is good."
House," So... all he needs is a heart, and he's out of here."
House," He's a prime candidate for transplant. Doesn't smoke. Drinks moderately. His tox screen is negative for illegal drugs, and legal ones. Surveillance blood culture show absolutely no sign of any lingering brucella bacteria."
Cuddy, He's 66-yrs-old.
House, Told me he was 65. Liar. I'm out of here.
Simpson," [yes, this is the same one from Mob Rules and Babies and Bathwater] There is an inverse correlation between Patient age and success rates."
House," He's in excellent health. This was his first hospitalisation since breaking his leg at 23. Or 22, I'm not sure anymore."
Simpson," If this Patient were to survive the operation, he'd get another what? 5, 10, maybe 20 years if he's very lucky?"
House, So you're saying that old people aren't as worth saving as young people?
Cuddy, He's saying that hearts are a scarce resource. We obviously have to choose criteria--
House," No I get it; women live longer so they should get preference, right? The African-Americans, they die a lot younger so to hell with them."
Simpson, What you think you're going to win me over by calling me a racist?
House," If the test is who gets to use it the longest, you can either be a racist or a hypocrite."
Simpson, Your Patient had a life. A family. We've got 18-yr-old kids who only--
House," How old are you, doctor? When do we get to toss you on an ice flow?"
Cuddy," And thank you doctor House. Unless anybody else has any further questions, we will now go into private session."
House, Oh I'm on pins and needles. I wonder how you'll decide.
Amy, The Mets just won their third game in a row. Beat the Lakers. [reading from a newspaper]
Foreman, I'm sorry. They voted no.
Henry, So... then... will I die?
Foreman, Might have a week.
Cameron, I wrote a letter to the Board of Directors appealing the Transplant Committee's decision. I'm alleging bias against you clouded their medical Judgement. I need you to sign.
House, They made the right call.
Cameron, You don't beliEve that. You told the committee--
House, I was advocating for my Patient. [he signs the letter anyway]
Cameron, Then why are you--
House, Advocating for my Patient. I gotta go clinic duty. I need you to get me the files on Everybody who dies here today.
Cameron, You really think this thing will change their decision?
House, [as he walks out] Nope!
House, Moooo!
Patient, I think I broke my ankle. I was kicked by a hoof. [he peels off his sock] I'm so in love. She was so beautiful.
House, Which one?
Patient," One of the black and white ones, I'm not sure what type--"
House," Not which type, which one? I want a name."
Patient, Why would it have a name?
House," Not ""it"", she. Or he. I wanna know her dreams, her hopes."
Patient, It's a cow.
House," Hey, I'm not the one who said he was in love. People who actually have this condition rationalise it, they dismiss it, they don't elevate it to the lEvel of poetry. Plus there's a wooden splinter in there. So either you hit yourself with a 2 by 4 or Elsie has a pick leg. I'm off duty at 6, give yourself another whack and come back and scam somebody else."
Patient," I'm sick. And you're a doctor, you have a duty to help me."
House, Technically I don't have to treat anybody before running a series of painful and often humiliating tests. [he takes out a needle and shows it off to intimidate the Patient]
Patient, WhatEver you need.
Cameron, 90-yr-old Woman died of pneumonia.
House, Unless she has a bionic heart. What's next?
Cameron," Umm... baby, died in the ICU."
House," Babies are useless, they got hearts the size of ping-pong balls. Next."
Cameron, Err... 40-yr-old male.
House, Yes?
Cameron, Heart attack.
House," If you really cared about me, you'd find me a better corpse."
Cameron, No other deaths. There's one Woman who was in a car accident.
House, Bad one I hope.
Cameron, Don't think the procurement people have been notified.
House, Give me her file.
Cameron, It's in the ER; they're still looking on her.
House, Age?
Cameron, Not 40.
House," Young, damn."
Cameron, Young is good.
House, Smoker?
Cameron, Don't know.
House, Find out. [pops a vicodin]
Cameron," She's still alive. Even if we get on the list, we can't go near her."
House, Overweight?
Cameron, She's on the hefty side.
House, Excellent. Our odds just went up.
Cameron, What odds? What is this?
House," 60% of potential donor hearts get tossed in the trash because there's something wrong with them. With fat people, it's closer to 80."
Cameron, But if her heart's no good then--
House, Big fat sloppy heart beats no heart all [he winks at her before getting into the elevator and the door closes]
House, Are you Mr Neuberger?
Donald, Yes.
House, I'm Doctor House. Need to ask you a few questions about your wife.
Donald, Is she going to be ok?
House, I'm afraid I don't know that. Could you tell me about her accident?
Donald," They think she fell asleep, went off the road, that's all they told me."
House, Any pRoblems with her health until now?
Donald, Why?
House, Police say it's important.
Donald, Erm... she had a fEver today but otherwise she was--
House, How high?
Donald, 101. She hasn't missed a day of teaParkng in... years. And I should have made her stay home.
House, Any other symptoms?
Donald, A stomachache. Who cares? She was in a car crash!
Woman, Mr Neuberger.
Donald, Yeah?
Woman," My name's Ellen Stanmer, I'm the Organ Procurement Coordinator for Southern New Jersey. I just want to assure you that we'll treat her organs with care and dignity."
Donald," Her organs?! [he looks back in disbelief at House, [then back to Ellen] Laura died? [he starts to break down and cry]"
Ellen," I... I'm sorry, I thought umm... she was just pronounced dead [looks at House], I thought he was telling you."
House, I didn't know. Shouldn't have made assumptions.
Donald, What did you want from me?
House," I'm sorry for your loss, but I need your wife's heart."
Foreman, The Organ Procurement Coordinator just left the hospital.
House," Means we got lucky, either that or she's getting lunch. [he Chases Cameron away from the computer] Dead Woman's last name have a 'u' or a 'w'?"
Cameron, You're hacking into a confidential Patient file?
House, Is that a pRoblem for you?
Cameron, It's a 'u'. N - E - U.
House, [types it into the computer then starts reading the file] Three minutes ago... her organs were officially declared not viable. Time to go dumpster diving.
Foreman," Hey, she's got Hepatitis C, her ALTs are three times normal. With Henry's immune system down, an infected heart will kill him."
House," Fortunately, she didn't have Hep C."
Foreman, She tested positive.
House," Her history says otherwise. Her husband told me she was running a fEver with stomach pains, not symptomatic of Hep C."
Donald, Hey what are you doing? What are you doing? [House ignores him] What are you doing?!
House," Again, sorry. But we need to talk."
Cuddy, Mr Neuberger has Every right to take his wife off the ventilator.
House, His wife signed an organ donor card.
Cuddy, Which became invalid when her organs were turned down.
House," I can use them! I just need some time! Committee says they won't take her heart. Another committee says a guy can't have a heart. It's a marriage made in heaven. I can find a surgical team that can do this. Classify it as experimental, it's not going to screw with any numbers. This is what she wanted; she wanted her organs to help another--"
Donald, She nEver wanted to be kept alive on a ventilator.
House," She's not, she's dead! She's not in pain, she's not suffering. It's just her... meat we're dealing with here."
Donald, [getting angry] This is my wife.
House, Not anymore.
Donald, She deserves some respect. Some dignity.
House, I respect the living.
Donald," Right, that is why you made me think that you were her doctor. Made me beliEve that maybe there was some hope."
House, I nEver said that I was her doctor.
Donald," Fine you didn't lie, but you sure as hell didn't give me any respect! I'm taking her off the maParknes. Now!"
Cuddy, Nicely played.
House, It's not over.
Amy," Excuse me, are you Mr Neuberger?"
Donald," Yeah, why?"
Amy, I'm Amy Arrington. I wanted to thank you.
House, This girl's father will die by next weekend unless he gets your wife's heart.
Cuddy," House, don't you think that's a little Manipulative?"
House," No, it's hugely Manipulative."
Donald, You're an ass.
House," Hey listen, you take your wife off life support, and I'll have forgotten about this in two weeks. Gale here on the other hand--"
Amy, Amy.
House," WhatEver. You're mad at me, fine I get that, take it out on me, not on her."
Donald, Fine. Your dad can err... have her heart. [He walks out]
House," FEver, stomach pain, raised liver enzymes."
Foreman, She's sick.
House," Worse than that, she's dead."
Foreman," My point is, Even if it's not Hep C, it's something. They turned it down as a donor because if we put that heart into someone, they won't survive. WhatEver made her sick will kill him."
House, Yeah. So what is it? Enzymes indiCate--
Chase, You want us to do a differential diagnosis on a dead person?
House, We're going to cure her.
Cameron, We're going to cure death?
House, MWAHAHAHAHA. Doubt it. Just want to get the infection out of her heart before we get the heart out of her. The fEver indiCates an infection.
Foreman, She pRobably has Hep C and a bad case of the flu.
House," Let's assume, just for fun, that the answer is something that might be helpful."
Chase, FEver and belly pain. Could be a gall bladder infection.
House," Like that. Do an MRI, stat."
Foreman, You really don't need to be here.
Donald, I assume House is a great doctor.
Chase, Why would you assume that?
Donald," Because when you're that big a jerk, you're either great or unemployed."
Chase," No sign of gall bladder infection, but there was a cyst."
Foreman, Perfectly round. Now Hep C would explain--
House," Question was nEver is it Hep C? Question was given that it's not Hep C, what is it?"
Chase, Adenoma?
Cameron, [holding the MRI scans] Not solid enough.
Foreman, Cavernous heMangioma?
Cameron, Not vascular enough.
House, What if she was sloppy about washing her hands after pooping?
Foreman, [takes the scan from Cameron] Err... ameba infection?
House," The amebias started in her liver and spread to her blood, that would explain all her symptoms. Except for the crushed skull but I'm assuming that's from the car crash."
Chase, I'll start her on paromycin and chloroquine.
House, [taking a Patient file] 10 grams each.
Chase, That's... 20 times the normal dose.
House, Right. So we'll destroy her retinas and damage her hearing. WhoEver wants those parts is having a very bad day. Couple of hours on the meds and she'll be feeling great.
House, Got your labs. Do you eat guinea pigs?
Patient, No.
House, How about hamsters? Or mice? HuMans?
Patient, What are you talking about? Is something wrong with me?
House," Absolutely nothing. Blood work is perfect. You got lots of vitamins, minerals, all kinds of proteins. Including a little something I like to call 'bovine serum albumin' which you get from eating the animals mentioned. Or cow. You don't really worship cows. So I have to wonder, what could be more humiliating than someone calling your girlfriend a cow and not being metaphorical."
House, [takes the photo] Nice.
Patient, It's my mom.
House, Well either that's a very old photograph or it's your step mom.
Patient," She goes around the House in a bikini. Or less. I... I can't stop thinking about her. My dad's in Europe. I... I'll be watParkng TV, she'll give me a massage, I can't walk for an hour."
House, Still. Cows.
Patient, She's my mother!
House, Step.
Patient, Please? I just need the medicine for 3 months until I graduate and I move out of the House. Please.
House, [takes out paper to write the prescription] You're not going to have any fun at graduation. [Patient sighs in relief]
House, Keep up the good work. [he walks around to the other side of the counter] Your shirt is ironed. That means you haven't told your wife anything.
Wilson, [stands up suddenly] Let's say you're right.
House, [halts on his way out of the clinic] You're saying I'm right?
Wilson, No. Let us say. [House starts walking back to Wilson] Does it occur to you that maybe there's some deeper guidance than keep your mouth shut? That maybe a friend might value concern over glibness? That maybe... [he rubs his upper lip nervously] maybe I'm going through something that I need to have an actual conversation about?
House," [is silent. His pager goes off] Does it occur to you that if you need that kind of a friend, that you may have made some deeper errors."
Chase, Her heartbeat's irregular. Looks like global hypokinesis.
House, Stop the meds.
Donald, Are you giving up?
House," Either we're wrong, and our heart is unusable, or we're right, but the treatment we have to give her will make her heart unusable. I'm sorry. You can pull the plug now. Find me another body. That fat guy on the other end of the service didn't look so hot."
Donald, No! She's not ready.
House, You were ready this morning.
Donald, She's not done. She's gotta save that guy.
House, Alternate theories?
Chase, Amebiasis was our best hope. The fact that her heart rate went back to normal when we stopped the meds pretty much--
House, What's our second best hope?
Chase," House, we're down to one, there's no obstruction."
Foreman, Maybe we should just biopsy it.
House," She's a fridge with the power out. We start poking around inside, the vegetable goes bad. No offence."
Foreman, I don't see that we have a lot of choice. The only way we're going to find that infection--
Cameron," What if it's not an infection? Toxins can cause similar symptoms, especially if whatEver it is did liver damage."
Donald, Her err... toxin screen was clean.
House," Those things nEver cover for any of the really cool toxins. [to Foreman] Run the screen again for... whatEver you can think of. [to Chase] You keep the other Patient alive, [to Cameron] you check out her school, and I seem to need to hire another doctor to go search her home. [to Donald] Come on."
Donald," If she was taking any medications, I'd know about it."
House, [inspects some stuff inside a cupboard] Does your wife dye her hair?
Donald," No. Her mom nEver went grey, she didn't either."
House," [takes out a bottle of hair dye and closes the cupboard] Guess this must be yours then. Can you think of anything else she might have lied to you about? Any drugs she ""gave up"" when she married you?"
Chase," How are you feeling sir? [From lucid, Henry suddenly becomes unconscious] Mr Arrington? Mr Arrington? [monitors start beeping]"
Amy, What's going on?
Chase," His heart's not pumping enough blood to his brain, we're going to have to give him some help. [to a nurse that's come in] Get the balloon ready."
House, Do you use this drawer?
Donald," No, that's for her vitamins."
House, [checks the bottles] And sleeping pills.
Donald, She nEver took sleeping pills.
House, Ok. [shows another bottle] You on a diet?
Donald, No. [sighs] I guess you nEver really know someone do you?
House," Quite the insight. She lied to you about her hair colour, and didn't want you to know she thought she was fat. Unless you nEver lied to her about anything that huge, I think you can pRobably let those slide."
Foreman, Diet pills could have messed her up. Raised her liver enzymes and caused the belly ache.
House, But not the fEver.
Foreman, Maybe something else set off the fEver.
House, Like what?
Cameron," Before I show you these, they were in a locked drawer in her desk, the vice principal said that Laura must have confisCated them, they've had some pRoblems--"
House, [takes the photos from her and starts going through them] Neither interesting nor helpful. [until he finds photos of naked boys doing interesting things] This at least is interesting.
Foreman, [he passes one to Foreman] No it's not.
House, Sex with teenagers isn't interesting? Where did you grow up?
Foreman, It isn't helpful. Teenage boys aren't toxins.
House, [deep in thought] What if the cyst isn't a cyst?
Cameron, Then we have nothing to go on.
House," I said it's not a cyst, I didn't say it was nothing. What if it's a scar?"
Foreman, Fitzhugh-Curtis syndrome? Pushing gonorrhea again?
House, You have anything better? Test her. Then start her on ceftriaxone.
Donald, What are you testing for now?
Cameron, Just some more infections.
Cameron, [walks in from next door] She's positive for gonorrhea!
House, I think that's the first time those words have been uttered in joy.
Cameron, Meds are started. Her heart should be clear enough to use in about 4 or 5 hours. I'll go tell the families.
Chase, [walks in wearing scrubs and looking weary] He's in a coma.
House, Start him on dobutamine.
Chase, Already did. We either do the surgery now or we find him a new brain too.
Cameron," House, she's still got a significant amount of gonorrhea in her system."
House," [thinking for a moment] Hopefully tomorrow, it'll be in his system. [he picks up the phone and makes the call] I need two ORs and the transplant team."
Donald, I assume this means that you found out what was wrong with Laura?
House, She... had amebiasis. We just found a different way to get rid of it.
Donald, Thank you. [he walks off after the transplant team]
Cameron, That was kind of you.
House," I didn't want him going postal on us. Soon as his wife's heart's in our hands, you can tell him about the gonorrhea. [Cameron gives him a look] He's gotta be tested. Preferably before he gets any sympathy sex."
Doctor, Paddles. 50 joules. Charging. [There's a moment of anxiety as the paddles don't restart the heart. The doctor tries again] Charging. [the heart starts beating] Let's take him off bypass.
Cameron," Mr Neuberger, there's something I need to tell you."
Donald," For the last err... year, or so... Laura was kind of distant with me. I don't know why. [Cameron tries to speak but is interrupted again] I thought... maybe she was having an affair, but not Laura. [Cameron looks sad] And I'm not excusing myself, but I was travelling during Christmas, I had a... I had a one-night-stand. I got gonorrhea."
Cameron, [looks shocked] Are you sure?
Donald, Yup. I should have said something to you. But I didn't want to beliEve that I gave it to her. That's what made her sick and... that... was why she got into the accident. [he starts to cry]
Henry, Cecile? Am I dead?
Chase, Hopefully not for a long time.
Henry, Why are you here?
Cecile, Amy called me.
Amy," If you do mom again, you gotta wear a condom."
Chase, You're going to have gonorrhea in your system for a while.
Wilson, Could I stay with you for a few days?
House, You idiot. You told her.
Wilson," She told me. [House is stunned into silence] Things have been crappy at home lately, I figured I wasn't spending enough time with her. I figured... [angry sigh] Turns out you're right, it's always about sex. She's been having an affair."
House, Want a beer?
Scale," Your weight is 113.9 pounds. [She moves to the mirror and towels it off, when a Man wearing a stocking over his head grabs her from behind.]"
Man, You gonna make me hurt you?
Woman, No.
Man," I didn't think so. [She screams as he drags her back to the bedroom. He tries to pin her down on the bed, but she forces him off and runs away. He remains, choking.]"
Woman," Are you all right? Did I hurt you? Bob! [She runs to him, and takes the stocking off his head.] Bob, what's wrong? What happened, talk to me! Oh my God, okay, Honey, hang on! Hang on! [She dials on the phone.]"
Phone," 911, what is your emergency?"
Woman," Yes, we need an ambulance at 10600 Xavier, here in 4B, my husband can't breathe! Oh my God, he's turning blue, you have to send someone now, please! Hurry!"
House, You blow dry your hair?
Wilson," Oh, sorry, did I wake you up?"
House, You blow dry your hair?!
Wilson, Excuse me for actually caring what I look like.
House, I think the word you're looking for is obsessing. You've been at it for almost an hour.
Wilson," If you wanted in, all you had to do is say so."
House," I don't want in, I want sleep!"
Wilson," It's about time you got up anyway, it's almost 9:00."
House, This isn't gonna work.
Wilson, What?
House, You. Staying here. [Taking Vicodin.]
Wilson, You're kicking me out? After one night?
House," You think we should try counseling first? Why d'you want to sleep on a couch, anyway? You've got money. At least until the divorce is finalized."
Wilson, I'll be out of your hair tomorrow. [as he leaves] What's left of it. [House goes to the mirror and fools with his hair.]
Bob," It was three days ago. My throat got really dry, and my tongue felt like it was blowing up like a balloon."
Cameron, I assume somebody checked for food allergies?
Bob, The first two doctors both did.
Maria, The next one said it was a panic attack; the one after that wanted to take his tonsils out.
Bob," The last one had no idea, just referred us to Dr. House."
Cameron, It says the attack was proceeded by some sort of strenuous physical activity.
Bob," Um, yeah."
Cameron," What were you doing? [Bob looks uncomfortable, and Maria smirks.]"
House," Awesome, a sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search. [He appears to be trying to poke a hole off of a pop-top can with a sharp object. Smart.]"
Cameron, He's not a sex fiend; he's a happily married Man.
House," No such thing. [He gets a hole, and quickly drinks the can from the hole in the bottom. Now, that's a way to consume an energy drink!]"
Cameron, What are you doing?
House, Testing a new caffeine delivery system.
Chase, He didn't get his beauty sleep. Wilson's moved in and apparently has unusually loud toenails.
Foreman," If they're into rape fantasies, S&M is on the menu as well. Neck trauma could cause vocal chord paroxysms, which could cause choking."
Cameron," I didn't see any sign of trauma, and they were remarkably open. I asked about STDs and they admitted participating in a threesome a few months ago."
House, A hundred bucks says they're as miserable as the next couple.
Chase, Another guy or girl?
Cameron, Girl. His wife's college roommate.
Chase," If he's not happily married, I don't know who could be."
House," You're looking for something. If you're happy, you've got nothing to look for."
Cameron," His wife arranged it for an anniversary present. If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once Every sEven years might actually help a marriage. [Everyone stares at her.]"
House," Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment."
Cameron, I'll take the bet.
Chase, Maybe the first doctor was right. Food allergy explains the anaphylaxis.
Foreman, Could be neurological. Progressive bulbar paralysis would explain the symptoms.
Cameron," No, ALS would affect his facial muscles before his throat."
House, [writing on the whiteboard] What if the pRoblem's not in his throat?
Chase, That would be a little odd considering that's where all his symptoms are.
House, Says who?
Cameron, The Patient.
House," Since most Patients can't tell their ulna from their anus, I'm guessing this guy also doesn't know the difference between choking and suffocating. His throat might be fine, his lungs might be messed up. Get more blood, a chest CT and a body plethysmograph. Unless, of course, you think we should be asking the Patient where his anus is, first. [He leaves.]"
 LAmbert," It feels like I have to urinate, and then when I try to go!"
House, Pull up your pants.
 LAmbert," It's my prostate, isn't it?"
House," Nope, not your prostate. Herpes."
 LAmbert, Herpes?
House," Herpes. Your turn. If it makes you feel any better, half the Patients who come into this place have some sort of crotch rot."
 LAmbert," No, it doesn't. Look, this is impossible. I've been married for 20 years."
House, Had any sex in those 20 years?
 LAmbert," Yes, of course ""�"
House, Then that's how you got it.
 LAmbert, The only person I've had sex with is my wife.
House," Bummer. Take this, once a day. Tell your wife to do the same. It's not going to cure it, but it'll lessen the frequency of the outbreaks."
 LAmbert," But there must be some mistake ""�"
House, You got any kids?
 LAmbert, Yeah.
House, Any of them take guitar lessons?
 LAmbert, No!
House," Tennis, art, acting?"
 LAmbert," My daughter does karate, why?"
House," Give this to her sensei. Oh, wait, does your wife play tennis?"
 LAmbert, No.
House, That's what I figured. It nEver hurts to make sure. [gives him another script] For Miyagi.
Cameron," I'm gonna close the shutter now. I need you to pant, kinda like a dog. [Bob does so.] That's good, keep going. [to Maria, who is watParkng with Cameron] Can I ask you a personal question?"
Maria," Uh, I guess."
Cameron," The threesome, and the roleplaying! is that because things get boring?"
Maria," No, we just enjoy our fantasies. Are you married?"
Cameron, No. [to Bob] You can go back to taking the deep breaths now.
Maria," Marriages don't fail because couples get bored. They fail because, while they're dating people pretend to be the person they think their partner wants and then, well, there's only so long you can keep that up."
Cameron," Maybe they are that person while they're dating, but then they change."
Maria," People thinking that their partner will change, that's another reason marriages fail. [From inside the maParkne, Bob winks at Maria. Maria winks back, badly.] People don't change. Least, not in any way that really matters."
Chase, I think you've had enough caffeine.
Foreman," You were right, it's not his throat, it's his lungs."
Cameron," Plethysmograph rEvealed decreased lung capacity ""�"
Chase, -- and the CT showed lung scarring. [They're both staring and House and his juggling skills.]
Foreman," It's definitely interstitial pulmonary fibrosis. What's not definite is the cause. There's no arthritis, no sarcoidosis, he's not on any prescription meds, and he's a wedding photographer, so I doubt he got exposed to coal dust or asbestos at work."
Cameron, Cause could be idiopathic.
House," Can't be idiopathic. Idiopathic means ""without a known cause.""�"
Cameron," What I meant was that ""�"
House," What you meant was you don't know what the cause is, just say that and we can avoid this conversation. [He stops juggling, catParkng the oversized tennis ball behind his back.] No applause? [Chase starts to move his hands, but stops. Bwah.] What's his current condition?"
Cameron, Stable.
House, Then we can wait.
Foreman, Wait for what?
House, For whatEver you can't figure out to cause something else. You know it's going to.
Foreman," It's possible the IPF could just continue to ""� [All of the team's beepers go off, and the three rush off.]"
Maria, There's something wrong with his skin.
Bob, Do something!
Cameron," Okay, stop scratParkng, we've gotta look at it."
Bob, I can't. It's just driving me crazy!
Cameron, You've gotta stop scratParkng so we can look at it!
Bob," Stop, stop, make it stop! [CGI inside of his hives, which look quite nasty."
House," Now we've got something to discuss. What causes both lung scarring and the itchy, red blotches?"
Chase," It's obviously not a reaction to medication, you haven't given him any yet."
House," Right, but what besides what's obviously not caused both the lung scarring and the splotches? [He heads toward the bathroom.]"
Foreman, Where are you going?
House," To complete the second half of the caffeine delivery system. Either talk loud or get in here. [Foreman and Chase enter, Cameron decides to talk loud.] Same color coming out as going in ""� think that's a marketing thing?"
Foreman, Lupus could cause lung scarring and a rash.
Chase, Or it could still be a food allergy.
Foreman, We've already ruled out allergies.
House, Did we? Where's Cameron?
Foreman, We're in the men's room.
House, [yelling] Need an allergy expert in here! [Cameron rolls her eyes and enters.]
Cameron, This can wait two minutes.
House, You don't know that. Chase thinks that food allergies should still be on the table.
Cameron," No, wouldn't explain the lung scarring."
Chase," Some homeopathic studies have found a connection between food allergies and autoimmune reactions, which could cause lung inflammation."
Cameron," Yeah, and some homeopathic studies have also found that ground-up spiders can cure cancer. Can I go now?"
House," No. Lungs, skin. Skin, lungs. Sklungs? Lungs, skin. Throat. [He stares at the rust on the urinal's plumbing.] Heavy metal toxicity. It explains the lungs, the itParkng, the swelling in the tongue and throat."
Foreman, I thought you didn't beliEve there was anything wrong in his throat.
House, I nEver said I didn't beliEve it. I just said I had good reason to doubt it.
Chase, And now?
House, Now I have good reason to doubt those doubts.
Chase, Patient's still a little old to be chewing paint off the wall.
Foreman," Nor does he drink well water, eat fish Every day, or do anything else that could've exposed him to heavy metals."
Cameron, He and his wife worked a wedding in Cabo San Lucas. A lot of pottery in Mexico is contaminated with lead-based paint.
House," Now aren't you glad you joined us? Search their House, and screen his hair and blood for lead. And test for mercury and arsenic while you're at it. Chase, find out what the resort cooks with, if they've repainted recently or did any plumbing repairs."
Chase, I don't speak Spanish.
House, Then it'll be challenging.
House," Good Lord, what is that smell?"
Wilson, Stuffed pepper.
House," Stuffed with what? Vomit? [He opens the closet to put in his coat, and has to kick things out of the way to close it again.] I thought you were going to a hotel."
Wilson, I found an apartment. I can move in on Monday. Is that fast enough for you?
House, What's today? Where'd you get all that stuff?
Wilson," Well, not from your kitchen. Don't you Ever eat anything besides canned soup and peanut butter?"
House, Don't you Ever eat anything that doesn't look like it's been rolled onto your plate by a dung beetle?
Wilson," [grabbling a spoon] Try it. [House tries a tiny bite.] It's good, isn't it?"
House, No. Just better than it looks. How much beans and rice d'you think you'd have to eat from a ceramic pot painted with lead-based paint to get enough lead in your system to damage your lungs?
Wilson, Are we talking a Parkld or an adult?
House, Adult.
Wilson," Then I'd say a lot. You'd have to eat beans Every day for months. [Wilson flips to House's TiVo, which has selected to tape/watch The O.C., Spongebob, Monster Truck Jam, New Yankee Workshop, and Blackadder. Hee.] Now, why do you have a season pass to ""The New Yankee Workshop""�?"
House," It's a complete moron working with power tools ""� how much more suspenseful can you get? [He grabs the remote.]"
Wilson, I was watParkng something!
House," No, you're about to watch something. I'm watParkng something. See the difference."
Maria," If the water was contaminated, wouldn't I be sick, too?"
Foreman, People can metabolize toxins at different rates. We'll test it to be sure. Have you done any recent renovations?
Maria, No.
Foreman, Have any pRoblems with bugs or rodents?
Maria, Just the occasional ant.
Foreman, Use bug spray?
Maria," No, I hate the smell. Luckily, both of us are pretty anal about keeping things clean."
Foreman," Yeah, I can tell. [He sees an ant crawling across a picture.]"
House, You think ants are the pRoblem?
Cameron, Can you stop stuffing your mouth with pancakes for one second?
House, These aren't pancakes. These are macadamia nut pancakes. Wilson made them and they're amazing.
Foreman," She says she doesn't use bug spray ""�"
House, Little silver dollar slices of heaven.
Foreman," Some ants are poisonous. Maybe ""�"
House," Forget the 72 virgins. If I blow myself up in a crowded restaurant, I think I'm asking for a plate of these babies. [Cameron has naked desire on her face.] Was the ant small and red or big and black?"
Foreman, Big and brown.
House, Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?
Cameron, Is there a difference?
House," [to Foreman] Is there a difference. Army ants could devour, dissolve, eat a cow in a matter of hours. Australian bull ants, on the other hand, are nasty little bastards, but more of a nuisance than a threat. [Chase nods his agreement.] No surprise there."
Foreman, Beyonce.
House," Well then, that's not it. How much clay did he eat at the resort?"
Chase," It's a five-star, $400 a night place, they don't cook with ceramic pots."
House, Tox screen?
Cameron," No evidence of lead, mercury or arsenic."
House," Run them again. Call the resort, find some disgruntled employee to talk to. Go back to the home ""�"
Foreman, It's not heavy metals!
House, The symptoms say it is.
Cameron, The tests say it's not.
House," Well, who're you gonna beliEve? The symptoms or the test?"
Chase, It could also be a food allergy.
House, Cameron says it's not.
Chase," If your tests can be wrong, why can't hers?"
Cameron, His diet hasn't changed since he was a kid. His favorite food is corn flakes.
Chase," Which I assume he eats with milk, one of the most common adult onset food allergies."
House," Start treating him for lead poisoning, it's the most likely heavy metal. And yeah, you can test him for allergies for dairy, wheat, and legume. [The team leaves. Chase tries to steal a pancake but House slaps his hand away.]"
 LAmbert, I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes.
Cuddy, [to a passing nurse] Find out where House is.
Maria," If you're convinced it's allergies, why are you giving him drugs to treat lead poisoning?"
Chase," We're not convinced of anything, yet."
Bob, I think I need something else. This cream isn't working.
Chase, We're doing Everything we can.
Bob, Ow!
Chase, Sorry.
Bob," No, it's not my back, it's my feet! I think I stepped in something when I went to the bathroom. It's on my socks, it's burning!"
Maria, I don't see anything.
Bob," Please, take my socks off!"
Chase," Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Chase starts to remove them]"
Bob," Ow! Stop, stop, stop!"
Maria, What did you just scratch him with?
Chase," If there was an allergic reaction it would be on his back, not on his feet."
Bob," [screaming] Ah, it's burning! Please make it stop!"
Chase, Gonna need some gabapentin in here.
Chase, Excruciating pain in the lower extremities. Not a sign of a food allergy.
Foreman, Means there's a neurological pRoblem.
House," More significantly, it's yet another classic sign of heavy metals."
Cameron," And I just did yet another hair and blood test for lead and Everything else he possibly could have been exposed to, they're all negative. It's gotta be something else."
Foreman," Lupus could cause ""�"
House," No. Lupus progresses slower, there'd be joint pain."
Foreman," So it's not a typical case! We should get an ANA ""�"
House, It's not lupus! The symptoms don't match.
Cameron," And the tests don't match heavy metals. [Again, all three are beeped and they rush off. House takes a Vicodin and stares at the board.]"
Maria," It's happening again, he's not breathing!"
Chase," Tongue swelling, airway's closing, he's not getting any air."
Cameron, His lungs are clear.
Chase," We're gonna have to intubate. Gotta relax, Bob, this is gonna help you breathe. [Instead of relaxing, Bob starts to vomit.]"
Maria," Oh, my God!"
Chase," He's gonna aspirate, he needs suction!"
Maria, What's happening?
Foreman, Suction!
Chase," There's too much vomit, we're nEver gonna be able to intubate! We need to trach him!"
Maria, He's not breathing! [The team performs possibly the most disgusting tracheotomy I have Ever seen.]
Foreman," His urine has elevated proteins and red blood cells. It's lupus-induced kidney failure. If we don't start treatment ""�"
House, Heavy metal toxicity could cause vomiting.
Foreman, So would lupus nephritis! And it also causes tissue swelling.
House," He's choking on his tongue, not his feet."
Foreman, The corticosteroids we gave him should control the inflammation and can cause facial swelling.
House," Still not his throat, but you're getting closer."
Foreman, I'm doing an ANA and a serum complement.
House," If you're so sure, why waste time with tests? Start treatment. Oh no, wait, you can't do that, because we already have and it's not working, ergo ""�"
Foreman, Cortical steroids aren't the only treatment for lupus nephritis! We can also try cyclophosphamide or immunosuppressants!
House," Only if we confirm the diagnosis with an ANA, serum complement, anti-DNA, IV pyelogramic kidney biopsy."
Foreman, So now you suddenly beliEve in tests?
House," The symptoms ""�"
Foreman," The symptoms all point to heavy metal poisoning. Yeah, we all get it. Unless you've got proof and can tell me which heavy metal it is, I'm starting treatment for lupus."
Foreman," Systemic lupus erythematosus causes the immune system to become hyperactive, attack normal tissue. It could be what caused the lung inflammation as well as the swelling in his throat, and now what appears to be damage to his kidneys. The treatment's usually steroids."
Maria, But he's already on steroids.
Foreman, If the tests confirm we're on the right track there are other medications we can try.
Maria, And if those don't work?
Foreman," Well, lupus, it's a chronic condition, but it's generally controllable."
Maria," What do you mean, generally?"
Foreman," In rare cases, it can cause cardiovascular or renal failure."
Maria," Cardiovascular and renal, that's the heart and the kidneys, right?"
Foreman, Yeah.
Bob," Don't worry, it'll be all right."
Wilson, Enjoying the salad?
House, There's no lettuce.
Wilson, I'm aware that there's no lettuce. Do you know when I obtained this knowledge?
House," Actually, I'm in the middle of ""�"
Wilson, When I made it. For myself.
House," Well, how was I supposed to know?"
Wilson," Well, I was hoping this might tip you off. [points to cover, which has a post-it note on it that states: ""MY LUNCH DO NOT TOUCH!!""�]"
House," That's kind of selfish, don't you think?"
Wilson," I offered to make you some, you said no!"
House," Ah, that was before I tasted the pancakes. It's a compliment, you should be flattered. [Cuddy enters.]"
Cuddy, Here. [hands him a file] It's Mrs. LAmbert's herpes test results.
House, Mrs. who?
Cuddy," You've told more than one Patient his wife is sleeping with his daughter's karate teacher? You want to stir the pot, you have to clean up the mess."
House, What would you do if you got herpes?
Cuddy," She's coming in at 5:00, don't make me come looking for you."
House," Actually, I'd know what you'd do. But, I mean, a normal guy."
Cuddy, And don't be calling in sick or saying that your team needs you for some kind of emergency consult.
House," He suspected that his wife had also been playing the pickle games, he'd just keep it on the down-low. Just wait 'till she got infected."
Wilson," You'd give your own wife herpes just to shift the blame ""�"
Cuddy, He'd give his own mother herpes if it got him out of clinic duty. [She leaves.]
House," Of course, maybe it was the wife. Maybe she was the one who ""� [And with the Music of Epiphany, House has figured something out about the Patient of the Week.]"
House, Where's Mrs. Nympho?
Cameron," She's waiting outside, why?"
House, Go search her.
Cameron," What, you mean her medical records?"
House," If I'd meant that, good chance I'd've said that."
Cameron, You think she's poisoning him?
House," His symptoms should be getting better the longer he's here, instead they're getting worse."
Cameron," So either she's poisoning him, or it's not heavy metals. We've done over ten heavy metal tox screens ""�"
House," Because there's no reason to test for the other thirty. They don't get into the air or food, they only get in you if someone puts them in you. The only way we're going to find out what she's been sprinkling on his corn flakes is to search her."
Cameron, I am not going to accuse a Woman of trying to murder her own husband simply based on some paranoid theory.
House, It's the only explanation. We've eliminated Every other possibility.
Cameron, We have not eliminated Every other possibility!
House, Has he responded to the latest lupus treatment?
Cameron, He's only been on it for a few hours.
House," He hasn't responded because it's not lupus! It's not allergies, ALS, arthritis or sarcoidosis. She's all that's left. Do it!"
House," Hi, I'm Dr. House. Mind if I take a look in your purse?"
Maria, Why?
House, Because I'm going to need to search it and you for whatEver you're using to poison your husband.
Maria, Why would I want to hurt my husband?
House, Then you won't mind if I search your things.
Maria, Go ahead. [He looks through her bag.] You satisfied?
Cuddy, Absolutely not.
House," She agreed to let me search Everywhere else, but this she says no to. Doesn't that tell you something?"
Cuddy," Yes, that she doesn't want some lunatic doctor searParkng her vagina with a flashlight."
House, Cameron can do that.
Cameron," I am not going to ""�"
House, The Woman hasn't left the hospital since they arrived. WhatEver she's using she's obviously hiding somewhere.
Cameron, She's not poisoning him!
House, It's the only explanation!
Cameron," No, it's the only explanation your twisted mind can come up with because you're angry that you can't find the answer and you're taking it out on her!"
House, And you are protecting a complete stranger based on some Parkldishly roMantic notion that people are all so happily married they don't want to kill each other!
Cameron, Are you calling me Parkldish?
House, Grow up.
Cuddy," Shut up. Both of you. And stay away from his wife. Sorry, I'm not giving you permission to assault someone."
Wilson," Let's see! I'm thinking Colonel Mustard, in the music room, with the candlestick."
House," There's no music room, it's the conservatory."
Wilson, Same thing.
House," No, it isn't. If we don't find out what she's using, start treatment immediately, he'll be dead in a week."
Wilson," If you're right. If Foreman's right, you'd have basically raped an innocent Woman. [sighs] My wife fired the maid. Apparently she's getting rid of anything that reminds her of me."
House, You did your maid?
Wilson," I was nice to our maid, which annoyed her, God knows why."
House, Maybe she was doing her.
Wilson," No one was doing her, all right?"
House," But you still feel responsible. Even though nothing or no one was done, it's still your fault."
Wilson," I offered to keep paying her salary until she found another job, but she refused to take any money without doing any work, so!. If you want someone to clean your apartment, it's on me."
House," You're supposed to be moving out, not moving more people in."
Wilson," She's not moving in, she's gonna clean!"
House," Maybe I should just move out, and the two of you could ""�"
Maria," [from Bob's room] Oh, God! [Beeping is heard.] Oh, God, no!"
Foreman," Call a code! [Wilson and House look on.] Charging 360, give him epi! Clear!"
Cameron, Still no pulse.
Foreman, Charging! Clear!
Cameron, I got a pulse. Pupils are reactive. You still with us?
Foreman," He was without oxygen for less than a minute, can't be hypoxia. Could be a stroke."
Maria, Can you hear me?
Foreman, Back up.
Maria," Bob, talk to me! Bob! Honey, please! [Bob catches his breath.]"
Cameron," Bob, can you hear me? [He nods.]"
Maria, He's awake!
Cameron, Can you hear me?
Maria, Honey? Hi.
Wilson," Yes, she is quite the little actress."
House," So, let's say she's not poisoning him."
Foreman," There's nothing more to discuss. We've got lung and kidney failure, neurological symptoms, and now cardiac arrest. A systemic disease with multi-organ involvement is the definition of lupus."
Cameron, Auto-immunosuppressant aren't helping.
Chase," We should start him on cyclophosphamide, see if it makes a difference."
House," Yeah, and interferon."
Foreman, Interferon isn't an approved treatment for lupus.
Cameron," You're not still thinking ""�"
Chase," Interferon isn't an approved treatment for heavy metal toxicity, either."
House," True. But it's pretty much the only thing we can do for a viral infection. We didn't consider it because it doesn't ""�"
Foreman, Because it doesn't make sense! There's no fEver!
House," Because he's got no immune system, thanks to the immunosuppressant you prescribed him for lupus treatment."
Cameron," He didn't present with a fEver, either."
House," Because at that point he was a post-viral autoimmune reaction, which again, thanks to the immunosuppressants you prescribed for lupus treatment, his immune system basically rolled out the red carpet for the dorMant virus, waking it up, turning it into a present viral infection. Give him interferon."
Foreman," But if it is lupus, interferon could make it worse. Suppress his bone marrow Even further."
House," Which is more likely, a rapidly progressing, acute onset lupus in a Patient who's already on steroids or a team of doctors missing a post-viral reaction?"
Foreman, We didn't miss anything.
House," Well, then, I'm wrong, and you shouldn't. Give him interferon!"
Foreman, Intravenous interferon has been shown to be effective against some viral infections.
Maria, But I thought you said it wasn't an infection. You said it was lupus!
Foreman, The increasingly rapid progression of the symptoms has caused us to reconsider.
Maria," And what if you're wrong here, too? What if it's not a virus?"
Foreman," There are risks with interferon, especially in a Patient who's already immunosuppressed. [to Bob] Look, at this point your lungs, kidneys and heart are all failing. We really don't have any choice. [Bob nods.]"
Bob, I cheated.
Maria, What?
Bob, 9th grade. Earth science. Mr. Foley. I sat behind you so I could cheat off of you.
Maria, And I let you cheat so you'd sit behind me.
Bob, I thought we were gonna grow old together.
Maria, In 9th grade?
Bob," No, 10th."
Maria," What, you had to make sure I put out first?"
Bob," No, I knew you put out in the 7th grade. I love you."
Maria," Yeah, I know."
Bob, Say you love me.
Maria, No.
Bob, Why not?
Maria, Because you're not dying.
Bob, Say it anyway. You gonna make me hurt you?
Maria, I love you. [The camera pulls back to show Cameron watParkng.]
Foreman, It's not working. Both his lungs and his kidneys are continuing to deteroriate.
House, Up the dose.
Foreman, We already have.
House, Apparently not enough.
Foreman," I don't think it's a virus. We've been running titers for Everything we could think of, they're all negative. [House's beeper beeps.]"
House, Increase the interferon.
Foreman," House ""�"
House," You got a better idea, other than lupus?"
Foreman, No.
House, Then up the dose.
Cuddy, Mr. and Mrs. LAmbert's appointment was over an hour ago.
House," Sorry, I was sick. And my team needed an emergency consult. Your wife has herpes."
 LAmbert," What? That's impossible. I don't have any ""�"
House," You haven't had an outbreak. Yet. Don't worry, you will."
 LAmbert, You ruddy jackass!
 LAmbert, Me? But I haven't been with anyone else in 20 years!
 LAmbert," But you're the one with blisters on his ""�"
House, Doesn't mean he got it first. You don't need to have an outbreak to spread the virus.
 LAmbert," Yeah, and you're the one talking about always wanting more sex!"
 LAmbert, From you! And maybe I'd actually get more if you weren't getting it somewhere else!
House," Well, you two obviously have a lot to talk about."
Cuddy, Don't Even think about dumping this on my lap.
 LAmbert, There's got to be some way to prove that it's him.
Cuddy," I'm sorry, there is no test ""�"
House, Either of you two Ever sit on a public toilet? Well?
 LAmbert, Of course.
House, Herpes can live for short periods of time outside the body.
Cuddy," Dr. House, you know you can't get herpes from ""�"
House," Some politically correct doctors will tell you that it's impossible to get infected by a toilet seat, but they'll also tell you not to use the same bath towel to dry your crotch and your face during an outbreak. See the contradiction?"
 LAmbert, I always use a paper cover.
House, Always?
 LAmbert," Yes, of course."
House, What about you?
 LAmbert, No. I nEver knew.
 LAmbert," Oh, please, this is ridiculous."
House," Damn, I was sure it was Miyagi."
 LAmbert, What?
House," He could beliEve that you could get herpes from a toilet seat, or he could be cheating on you and be happy to have an out."
 LAmbert," The toilet seat makes sense, doesn't it?"
House," Sure, but she'd only refuse to beliEve such a well presented lie if she were innocent. And since you both can't be innocent, you ruddy jackass."
 LAmbert, You! [She takes off her wedding ring and drops it on the floor.]
 LAmbert, Thanks a lot.
House, My pleasure.
 LAmbert," Honey? Wait, please! [They leave, running.]"
Cuddy," Wow. Not bad. [House looks at the ring, and the Music of Epiphany hits again.]"
House," She has a family history of arthritis, doesn't she?"
Cameron," [on the other end] Yeah, she does. What does ""�"
House," Stop the interferon. Do another heavy metal screen, only this time test for gold."
Cameron," You don't still think that she ""�"
House, And don't let her go to the bathroom!
Cameron," Why would you care if she ""� hello?"
House, Oh!
Lady," Hi, I'm Lady."
House, What did you do to my closet?
Lady," Uh, I cleaned it. Dr. Wilson said that I could go ahead and ""�"
House, It's not Dr. Wilson's closet! [And all the slashers go hee!] Where's the wood box?
Lady, Wood box?
House," Yes, the wood box. It's made of wood, and it's box-shaped. It's been in the back of this closet since the day I moved in."
Lady," I didn't see any kind of ""�"
House," Well, you may not have seen it, but you've obviously moved it. The question is, where?"
Lady," Well, I did not move anything, I just left the ""�"
House," Look, it was in this closet, then you came, now it's not in this closet!"
Lady, What type of box is it?
House," Wood! Wood! It's a brown, wood box, it's got a metal handle, it looks like a tackle or a toolbox ""�"
Lady," Ah, you mean the chest! The one that's under the bed?"
Lady, Do you need to fix something?
House," [pocketing the desired bottle] Um, thanks."
Maria," Fine, then I'll go to one on another floor."
Cameron," Actually, they're not working there, either."
Maria, Every bathroom in the whole hospital is out of order?
Cameron," Well, there, um, the water ""�"
Maria, I'm going to the bathroom.
House, Where is she?
Cameron, She had to go to the bathroom.
House, I told you not to let her.
Cameron, What was I supposed to do? Tie her up?
House," Why not, she likes that. [He tosses his cane to Chase and works on opening the bottle while walking to the bathroom.]"
Maria," What are you doing? [House grabs her hand.] Uh, your hand is wet."
House," Sorry, must be nervous. I got some bad news."
Maria, What?
House," The damage to your husband's lungs is perManent. Kidney damage is rEversible and with the right therapy he should regain full neurological function. Other than the fact that he's not going to be running any marathons, he's going to be fine."
Maria," But that's good news, isn't it?"
House," I'm not finished. When I was a kid, my dad was stationed at a marine base in Egypt. We were in the middle of nowhere and there was absolutely nothing for a kid to do except look for a mummy's tomb."
Maria, You didn't want me to go to the bathroom because you wanted to tell me my husband is going to be fine and that you used to live in Egypt?
House," I didn't have a pRoblem with you going to the bathroom. I just didn't want you to wash your hands. I nEver actually did find a mummy, but I did learn a fair amount about the ancient Egyptians. For example, they discovered that stannous chloride is not only great for toughening ruby glass, but if it's mixed with gold, it turns bright purple. [He turns over Maria's hand, which is turning purple.] Now, either your fingers are actually worth their weight in gold, or you've been sprinkling your husband's cereal with gold sodium thiomalate. It's an arthritis remedy it's rarely used here in the US, but it's still popular in Mexico. I've gotta give you props. I've nEver heard of anyone using gold before. It's almost! poetic."
Maria, That's ridiculous.
Chase, Heavy metal tox screen for gold was off the chart.
Maria," Why would I ""�"
House," Because you were trying to kill him, I'd love to know the why behind that why. But you're not going to tell me, are you?"
Maria, You're wrong. I love Bob.
House, I nEver said you didn't love him.
Cameron," Why would somebody do that? Sit by somebody's beside day and night, helping them, comforting them, and at the same time killing them?"
Foreman, Maybe he was having an affair?
Chase, Maybe she was having an affair.
House, Or maybe she just gets her kicks slowly sucking the life out of a guy and watParkng him suffer.
Foreman, He must have done something to her.
House," Yeah, he had it coming."
Foreman, I didn't say he deserved it.
Chase, The only thing he did wrong was marry a sociopath.
House, Or maybe she just got tired of being married. Didn't want to admit to family and friends that the marriage that Everyone thought was perfect wasn't.
Foreman," Shouldn't one of us stay with her? If she tries to run ""�"
House," Yeah, Cameron, go back there. Well, it would be weird if we were all in the ladies' room. [House leaves in the elevator.]"
Cameron, We started chelation therapy with dimercaprol.
House, Thrilled to hear it.
Cameron, His kidney function hasn't improved.
House, It will.
Cameron, He's gonna need a lung transplant.
House," He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?"
Cameron, You're pleased. You think you've proved Every marriage is a mistake.
House," Do I look pleased? [Cameron walks over to him, pulls a $20 from her waistband and hands it to him.]"
Cameron, Ignorance is bliss.
 of course picking the piece of food that says," ""PROPERTY OF Wilson TRESPASSERS WILL BE PROSECUTED!""� He starts to listen to his voice mail.]"
Answering maParkne, You have one new message.
Message," Hi, this is Blake Hansen, calling for Dr. Wilson. Uh, I got a better offer for the apartment. Now, I know I offered it to you already, so if you match the offer you can still have the place. Make sure you call me first thing in the morning and let me know. Otherwise, well, you've got my number. [House looks at Wilson sleeping on the couch and deletes the message. ASDFJ#W(@O(C.]"
Dan, It's almost elEven!
Barbara, She needs a lot of sleep these days.
Dan," Please. Ms Bardach, I haven't seen her for a week."
Barbara, I'll see how she's feeling. [she opens the glass door]
Dan, Thank you.
Barbara, You know what to do.
Barbara, All done?
Dan," Yeah. I uh... scrubbed for 45 seconds, did the nails, all the way down to the elbows. The whole deal. [he sneezes]"
Barbara, Are you sick?
Dan, No! No no no.
Barbara, [she reaches to touch his neck] Cough? Sore throat?
Dan, No no no. I just... sometimes I sneeze when I look at lights. Always have.
Barbara," I'm sorry, you'd better--"
Dan, I would nEver get her sick. Please.
Melinda, A mask.
Dan, Got me by the bouncer.
Melinda," She's crazy! She's let me out like 6 times in the last 2 months, Every time is just to go to the hospital, I'm a prisoner!"
Dan," Aww, it's ok."
Melinda, It's ugly.
Dan, No. I wasn't looking at the scar anyways. [she smiles and zips up her jumper]
Melinda, Take off your mask.
Dan, Uhh... if your mom comes in here...
Melinda," Hey, give me a kiss or I'll kill you."
Dan, Your skin... are you ok?
Dan," Melinda can you...hey what's wrong? What's wrong, is it your heart? What's wrong?! Mrs Bardach!!"
Dan," Melinda, I don't know how to use this, I've nEver used one of these before!"
Barbara, What did you do to her?
Wilson, Cuddy called.
House, I know. Saw the caller ID.
Wilson," Young girl, anaphylactic shock."
House, You answered?
Wilson," Turns out, that's what stops the ringing. It's a weird case. [he turns to see the unwashed dishes in the sink] I thought you did the dishes last night. It was your day."
House, I did. Those are new. Midnight snack. [he pops a vicodin]
Wilson, For a midnight snack you made a pot roast. The same pot roast I made last night.
House," Yeah. Actually it was after midnight. Today is your day, right?"
Wilson," You want me out of here, I get it."
House," No it's fine if you stay. [he opens the fridge and notices a bottle with the label ""Property of Wilson"" which he promptly snags out and starts drinking from]"
Wilson," The place I was going to move, the guy nEver called, otherwise I'd already be there."
House, I said it's fine if you stay.
Wilson," Yeah, that's why you're making me miserable."
House, Maybe I just want to make sure you do your fair share around here.
Wilson, That... [he notices it's his bottle but doesn't Manage to stop House from drinking from it in time]
House, What's weird about it? The girl with the allergies.
Wilson, Yeah. She's immuno-compromised.
House, What are you doing?
Wilson, What? You asked me--
House," You knew that I was interested, that gives you a valuable bargaining Parkp. Could have had me doing dishes for a week."
Wilson, [stares around in confusion for a few seconds] Ok. [he grabs the bottle off House and walks back out of the kitchen] The allergic reaction happened while she was in a clean room.
Cameron, Why did she have a clean room in her home?
House," Heart transplant. The immune system's in the toilet, mommy builds her little angel a John Travolta quality bubble."
Foreman," Six months after the transplant, she doesn't need to be confined to a clean room."
House," Six months without putting out, Dr Cuddy doesn't NEED to wear thong panties, but it's not our call."
Cuddy," I was wondering when you'd get around to my panties. She's had 4 days of work-ups. They've tested Everyone who came anywhere near that room, Everything in the room."
House, It's like an Agatha Christie mystery.
Chase, Maybe it's not what was there; it's what she was doing.
House, Exercise allergy. Love it. What sort of exercise could a strapping young Man and a nubile teenage nymphet possibly be--
Cuddy, Mom was in the room within seconds.
Chase, So the boyfriend brought in an allergen and is lying about it.
Cameron, Or the girl snuck out and she's lying about that.
House, Or the parents are lying about the room being clean.
Cuddy, These are your big ideas? Somebody's lying?
House," Hasn't let me down yet. Re-check mom, dad, the girl, the boy, the room and the home."
Foreman, Any of you have a new soap? Detergent? Perfume?
Foreman, [looking at Melinda] And you haven't been outside recently?
Melinda, How could I? I'm trapped up there.
Barbara," You're not trapped, it's just safe--"
Melinda, They won't Even tell me the alarm code. Just tell her I can go back to school.
Foreman, Until we've cleared this up [shakes his head]
Melinda, Fine. Find out what I'm allergic to and I'll stay away from it. Then I can go back to school. Right?
Foreman," It's up to your parents, but err... medically, there's no reason..."
Melinda, Hah. Told you.
Barbara," Could I speak to you outside for a second, please?"
Barbara," You know, this is hard enough without you--"
Foreman, She asked my opinion.
Barbara," She is 16-yrs-old, lie to her."
Foreman," When I was eight, my mom she... she hated--"
Barbara," I know, I... I need to loosen up. I'm overprotective, I saw Finding Nemo, I get it, I don't need another story."
Foreman, You're not just being overprotective; you're one of the most overprotective parents I've Ever seen!
Barbara," She has the best private tutors. I let her friends visit, I'm not going to apologise."
Foreman, Just giving you my thoughts.
Barbara," She almost died 3 times during her Parkldhood. Penicillin, bee stings, peanuts."
Foreman, I've seen her file.
Barbara," Six months ago, we leave her home alone for the first time on a weekend. She goes out, buys one chocolate Parkp cookie, peanut butter in the dough. She's forgotten her epi pen, she drives to the hospital, passes out, has an accident. Steering wheel crushed her chest. She ended up losing her heart. So when you say to me that I'm one of the most overprotective parents you've seen, please, please introduce me to the ones who were more protective. So that I can find out what they're doing right."
Chase, She's allergic to having a sucky social life.
Cameron, Give the parents a break; they're just trying to keep her healthy. Everything in here is labelled hypo-allergenic.
Chase, Check it anyway. [Cameron rolls her eyes and does a salute to his order] Cameron. [he opens a window next to the bed. A tree branch is growing exceptionally close to the window]
Cameron, This place is cleaner than her hospital room. [she walks to where Chase is next to the window]
Chase, No alarm on this window.
Cameron, It's a 20-foot drop.
Chase," You can get to the tree from here, there's some bark scraped off."
Cameron," Sure, a heart transplant girl swung down there on a vine. Maybe she was hooking up with Tarzan and cheetah by the elephant graveyard."
Chase," Or, Jane stayed in the tree House, Tarzan came up."
Dan," Ok, erm... I spent most of the night, Friday, but if her mom finds out about that, she will totally freak."
Chase, You guys had sex?
Dan," Yeah but... you know, I did Everything I could to make sure she wouldn't get sick."
Chase, [turns to Cameron] Latex allergy?
Dan," What do you mean, like a condom? We didn't..."
Cameron, You had unsafe sex? The whole unsafe thing didn't tell you something?
Dan," Yeah... but we didn't like... we didn't... plan on it, you know... just... I don't know, we're in love. We've been dating for 2 years."
Cameron, Practically a lifetime. [to Chase] How about a semen allergy?
Chase, We're going to need a semen sample. [he hands Dan a cup] You can use the bathroom over there.
Dan," Right, uh... how do I..."
Cameron, Aim and shoot. [Dan reluctantly walks off]
Chase," No thinking about Dr Cameron, we'll know."
Cameron, [sighs] We should tell her parents.
Chase," Why stop there, call the cops."
Cameron, Melinda's a minor.
Chase," And if we nip it in the bud here, teenagers will nEver again have sex. The parents will find out when they get the bill anyway."
Cameron," Oh, so you're fine with them finding out as long as you don't have to tell them personally?"
Chase, Pretty much.
Cameron, [sighs again and checks her watch] Too bad it's not you giving the sample. We'd be done by now.
Cameron, Test was negative. No semen allergy.
House," Boyfriend sneaks in to get his freak on the night before the anaphylaxis, I don't buy that it's unrelated."
Cameron, He loves her. Did Everything he could to make sure she wouldn't get sick.
House, What's that mean?
Cameron," Love is an emotion certain people experience, similar to happiness. No, maybe I should give a more relatable example."
House," Oh snap! What did he do to protect her, brillo-pad his privates?"
Cameron, I assume he washed and he...
House," Oh good work, assumptions are so much faster than actual questions."
House, [points with his cane] You the boyfriend? Need to borrow you.
Barbara, What is going on?
House, Don't worry. I'll return him in roughly the same condition.
House, Did you take anything to stay healthy? Something stronger than an apple a day?
Dan, [points worriedly to the coma Patient] Is he ok?
House," He's just tired. From being in a coma so long. What'd you take? Don't worry, he can keep a secret. [Dan keeps staring at the coma Patient; House grabs his face and turns him to look at House] Antibiotics? Penicillin? Any of those names ring a bell?"
Dan," Yeah, uh... my friend Elliot, his dad had like a whole bottle that he hadn't finished so I swiped it and took a bunch for like a week. There's no way I was going to risk breathing germs on Melinda."
House, This is the one downside of teenage sex. You're idiots. You almost killed your girlfriend. [Dan looks confused] She's allergic to penicillin.
Dan, [in shock] What do you think there was still some on my lips? I brushed my teeth!
House," Think lower, and more fun."
Dan, [looks down] I mean... it can... it can go through your stuff?
House," Totally, dude! There's this administrator here, whenEver she gets sick she just gives me the prescription."
Dan," But you know they tested Melinda, they said she wasn't allergic to my stuff."
House," Yeah, 4 days later. By that time the penicillin was crusting up a sock in the bottom of your hamper."
Dan, Do you have to tell her it was my fault?
House," No. Great part of being a grown-up, you nEver have to do anything."
Barbara, You're releasing her? What happened? What did you find out?
Cameron, The test on your House ruled out any environmental allergens.
Barbara," Yeah, but what caused this?"
Cameron, We beliEve it's highly unlikely that this set of circumstances will repeat itself.
Barbara, What set of circumstances?
Cameron," It's good news. She's healthy, but you might want to talk--"
Foreman, Cameron!
Melinda, I can't breathe!
Cameron, Getting the epi.
Foreman," [listening with a stethoscope] No murmurs, no friction, no obstruction--"
Lewis, Give her the shot!
Barbara, What are you waiting for?
Cameron, She's coughing up white sputum.
Foreman, Crackling two thirds of the way up.
Cameron, Look at her neck.
Barbara," She is vomiting, could you give her the shot?!"
Cameron," It's not an allergy, it's her heart."
House," What's the good news, what's the bad news? [he's writing on the whiteboard]"
Chase, Congestive heart failure.
House, Is which?
Chase, Good news.
House, Why?
Chase," I don't know, it just sounded like you."
House," New puzzle piece, always good news. What's the bad news?"
Foreman, We've got 2 puzzle pieces from 2 different puzzles.
House, [sighs] Seems that way.
Cameron, What if her anaphylaxis wasn't anaphylaxis. Toxicity from the anti-rejection meds could cause a seizure and then heart failure.
House, And get cured by a mommy-wielded epi pen? It's anaphylaxis. What else?
Foreman, What if there really are two puzzles?
Cameron, You think she had 2 unrelated rare conditions in one week?
Foreman, We explained the anaphylaxis.
House," What do you mean 'we'? I did! Guess I thought I did, maybe I didn't. Still, it was all me."
Foreman, And heart pRoblems aren't so rare for someone who's had a heart transplant. I say we assume House was right about the anaphylaxis--
House, It is tempting!
Foreman," [he snatches the whiteboard marker from House and starts writing] Heart failure could be either infection, coronary disease, or rejection."
House," [snatches the marker back] Sorry, there's a reason they call it the WHITEboard. It's not my rule. What ties both of these conditions together?"
Foreman," Ok, we can all stare at each other or we can investigate what caused the heart failure. Just the heart failure. You wanna give me that BLACK marker?"
Cameron," There's no fEver, so it's pRobably not infection."
Chase, Or no fEver because she's been on immuno-suppressants for about 6 months.
Foreman," Let's do a CT, get a heart biopsy... [scene fades out]"
Cameron, Anything?
Foreman, Not yet. So I hear you don't want teenagers having sex. Teen suicide rate isn't high enough for you already?
Cameron, I just think those two are brats. Girl undercuts her mother any chance she gets.
Foreman," Yeah it's the daughter's fault, has nothing to do with mom infantilising her."
Cameron, Good point. Explains why parents who don't pay attention get such nice well-adjusted Parkldren.
Foreman, What's this? [looks at the scan of the heart on the screen]
Cameron, Think its vegetation?
Foreman," Yeah, the kind made of muscle that opens your heart valves. It's nothing. She's clean."
Foreman, It's good news. You don't show any signs of coronary artery disease.
Melinda, So what's next?
Foreman," Well, blood work to rule out infection, and then a heart surgical biopsy to rule out rejection."
Melinda," But you don't think you're going to rule out both things, do you?"
Foreman, No.
Melinda," I'm going to lose this heart, right?"
Foreman, Hopefully we'll find the pRoblem and fix it. You'll keep your heart a long time.
Melinda, How long?
Foreman, There could be drug breakthroughs that allow you to keep it for decades more.
Melinda," Yeah. That's the answer my cardiologist always gives me. I looked it up on the web. It's like... 5 or 10 years, right?"
Foreman, [looks uncomfortable] That's about the average.
Melinda, That's why I need to have a life. Why can't you convince my mom to let me go back to school?
Foreman," Melinda, you've got bigger worries right now than missing school. Until we figure out what's wrong with your heart, the safest place for you to be is right here."
Wilson," [closes the door] Where is... [House raises his eyebrow] the hooker, I assume?"
House," [taps his head] Right up here, buddy. [he turns on a light and slips on to the couch]"
Wilson, You said you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex.
House," I didn't say it had to be with another person. [Wilson suddenly flinches away, extreme exasperation and a touch of horror to his expression] Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure?"
Wilson," No. I was waiting out there, for hours!"
House," Now I need a lot of foreplay, and then there's the cuddling afterwards. [Wilson looks fed up and throws his briefcase on to the floor] Any way that anaphylaxis isn't anaphylaxis Even if it responds to epi?"
Wilson, No. Well no wonder you were in the mood. This month's New Jersey journal of Cardiology. [he picks up the magazine on the table]
House, Have you seen the centre fold? There's no WAY those valves are real! Any chance that the heart failure could be unrelated to--
Wilson," No. If you need time alone to work, you just have to say so. You don't have to lie about it."
House, Lying's more fun.
Wilson," Being lied to, not as much fun."
House, Please have an answer to this question: what's for dinner? [he opens a package of some snack while Wilson walks into the kitchen]
Wilson, You STILL haven't done the dishes?!
House," You want one of these? I think I got a couple of blueberries... ohh... nope, sorry [he eats it] just one. [Wilson stands at the kitchen doorway and watches House while squeezing the bridge of his nose] Well don't look all weepy. If you've got a pRoblem with me, deal with it! Short my sheets or something."
Foreman, Biopsy was negative for rejection.
Lewis, Thank god.
Barbara, And what about the blood tests?
Foreman, Showed no infection.
Barbara, So we still don't know what caused her heart failure.
Lewis, Let's just be happy she doesn't need a new heart.
Foreman," Mrs Bardach, it could have just been a one-time thing."
Barbara," So she has an allergic reaction and heart failure, and neither of them can be explained. [Foreman shrugs]"
Lewis, Are they doing anymore tests on her? [checks in Melinda's room]
Foreman, No.
Lewis, She's not here.
Cuddy," Notify local hospitals, cab companies, the state troopers and local cops. Any security Officers off duty are back on duty."
Voice replies, We're on it.
Cuddy," [turns to the parents] I'm going to need some pictures. And go through those drawers. [Foreman does so, Cuddy gets back on the telephone] And I want at least 2 people going over the surveillance tapes."
Barbara, [hands a picture of Cuddy] Will that work?
Cuddy, [looks at what Foreman took out] Are those all her clothes?
Barbara, Uhh... yeah.
Cuddy," She's obviously still in the building. So where did she go, what does she want?"
Foreman, To see her boyfriend?
Cuddy, She didn't take her phone.
Foreman, [suddenly realises] She wants to be outside. [he runs to the staircases and up to the roof]
Foreman," If you're trying to scare your parents, great job. Can we go back now?"
Melinda, [softly] I hate her.
Foreman," [sits down near Melinda] When I was 8-yrs-old, I was sick. Well not really sick, but the point is my mom she could--"
Melinda," She was like this before. Home by nine Every night, can't go out on the weekends, can't do sports, transplant just gave her what she always wanted."
Foreman," Melinda, you had heart failure. This is kind of an insane time to be criticising your mom about being overprotective."
Melinda," I know. I mean this is what makes it Even worse, all of her craziness is... it just... makes sense now."
Foreman, Everything is going to be alright.
Melinda, I didn't Even try to get outside. I was too scared.
Foreman," Come on. [he helps her stand up and lets her walk on down ahead of him. He watches for a moment] Woah woah, Melinda, please walk back towards me."
Melinda, Why?
Foreman, Please?
Melinda," [walks back, her left foot is dropped] It feels kind of weird."
Foreman, It's called steppage gait.
Lewis, Is it serious?
Foreman," Not necessarily. [to Melinda] Now stick your leg out, hold it up."
Barbara," She was under anesthesia for the biopsy, if she lost oxygen..."
Foreman, CT ruled out brain damage. Put your leg down. Relax.
Barbara, Why is her leg twitParkng like that?
Foreman, Fasciculation.
Lewis, Is that serious?
Foreman, It's paralysis. And it's ascending.
Barbara, She's going to lose the use of her legs?
Foreman, To start with. [Melinda looks horrified]
Foreman, It's ascending fast; she can hardly extend her leg now.
Cameron, At this rate it'll be up to her lungs in a matter of days.
House," So... anaphylaxis, heart failure and paralysis. We couldn't put the first two together; I'm guessing we can't put all three together."
Cameron," Tick paralysis? Could also explain the anaphylaxis, maybe Even the--"
Foreman, Penicillin allergy explains the allergic reaction much better.
Chase, Particularly because tick paralysis is usually accompanied by a tick. We did two comprehensive physicals looking for insect bites.
House, Can we put any two of those together?
Foreman," How about we stipulate? You argue that there must be something to connect all 3 symptoms, you mocked us for not figuring it out and finally you let us discuss the paralysis on its own because it's what's gonna to kill her. Now it's ascending, MRI's are clean so rule out stroke or aneurysm."
Cameron, ALS? MS?
Foreman, Progression's too quick.
Chase, Spinal lesion from leukaemia?
Foreman, Too slow. It's most likely Guillain-Barre.
Chase, She's immuno-suppressed. What about botulism?
Foreman," Not unless she's been walking around on her hands the last couple of days. Botulism paralysis is descending, not ascending."
Cameron," Could be a virus. West Nile, Even Polio with her immune system shot."
House," Get an LP. And do PCRs for the viruses. And get an EMG to check for Guillain-Barre. Foreman's right, we've got to find out why she's paralysed. [the Ducklings stare] But not before staring at me dumbly for a few seconds. [Ducklings make their exit]"
Foreman," We ran more tests on your daughter. We took a lumbar puncture; got some spinal fluid and we brought it to the lab to look for infections that could be affecting her brain. We also did an EMG to check how her muscles and nerves are responding to electrical impulses. Unfortunately, her muscles are showing increased weakness above the knee."
Barbara, You mean she's getting worse?
Foreman," The LP and PCRs ruled out Polio and West Nile. We think its Guillain-Barre. Her body's immune response goes haywire, starts attacking the peripheral nerves. It causes muscle weakness and paralysis."
Lewis, How bad is it?
Foreman," It's serious, but Guillain-Barre usually responds very well to plasmapheresis."
Foreman," You see the plasma, the clear liquid part of her blood, contains most of the antibodies which are overreacting and attacking her nervous system. The maParkne spins her blood in a centrifuge and separates parts of the blood based on weight. White blood cells are the heaviest, then the red cells, then platelets and plasma. We discard the stuff that's causing all the trouble and return the good blood cells back to her body in a replacement fluid. If it works, we'll see results in a couple of days."
Wilson," You didn't get any messages for me last week, did you?"
House, Nope.
Wilson," That's funny, guy finally called back. Place I lost? Said he left 3 voicemails."
House, Gotta pee.
Wilson, Which I nEver got. If that wasn't clear.
House," He must be lying. [he hobbles towards the toilet, Wilson follows] You wouldn't want to live with a liar."
Wilson, You erased my messages?
House, Yup! Decided I wanted you to stay. Told you that didn't I? [he continues talking to Wilson while he pees]
Wilson," You're... miserable, and you're lonely, and you're going to trap me here to keep me Every bit as miserable and lonely too [emo moment!]"
House," Yeah, and you're happy happy happy."
Wilson," Ok, hey, I'm obviously going through a rough patch here. Your wife leaves, tends to bum somebody out."
House," [flushes the toilet, hobbles to the sink to wash his hands] Do you know where my pee went?"
Wilson, You're missing some?
House," Nope, came out of me and went right into the toilet. Now why would that be?"
Wilson," You're William Tell, you could pick an apple off someone's head?"
House," No, it's because there was no clear plastic wrap over the toilet. The stuff's in the kitchen, you have plenty of time. All that was missing was the WILL."
Wilson, This isn't a college dorm!
House, It could be.
Wilson, We're not 18!
House," So what? What did I do to you? I scammed you into doing the dishes, made you sit on the steps. I didn't kill your puppy. I did not make you miserable."
Wilson," Oh, so this is therapy?"
House, No... just makes me smile.
Wilson," All right, I'm finding a new place tomorrow."
House," [takes a beer and pops off the lid] Right, but not tonight."
Wilson, Well I figure you wanna shave my eyebrows while I'm asleep I wouldn't want to deprive you of that last smile.
House," You're not going anywhere. You're going to sit on my couch, and depress us both because you just can't admit that it's over with your wife."
Wilson," That's right, I'm here on vacation."
House, Have you gotten a Lawyer yet?
Wilson, That's... that's... not...
House," You Even called one? As long as you're here, it's just a fight. As soon as you get a place, then it's a divorce. Everything sucks. Might as well find something to smile about. [Wilson suddenly realises House's intentions all along, yay!]"
Foreman, Reflexes are marginally weaker.
Barbara, Her paralysis is getting worse?
Foreman, Sometimes it takes a few treatments for the plasmapheresis to work.
Melinda, [snuggles up in her blankets] Why do these things keep happening to me? [Barbara helps to cover Melinda with the blanket]
Lewis, Dan's back.
Barbara, Baby did you hear that? Dan's here.
Melinda, I don't want to see him.
Barbara, I'll tell him to come back later.
Melinda," No! Mommy, stay here, please."
Barbara, Of course.
Foreman, She ok?
Barbara, Just sleeping.
Foreman, I'm sure she's exhausted. Mood swings are common with the anti-rejection meds.
Barbara," No, she's had mood swings. This isn't it; this is... she's given up. I know you think I'm... this isn't what I wanted. She's always fought with me, Ever since she was a baby she was so damn stubborn. But I nEver wanted her like this. I just wanted her safe."
Lewis, Doctor. Doctor!
Lewis," She can't breathe, she couldn't Even get a whole sentence out."
Foreman, She's losing accessory muscles.
Chase," [running in] O2 stat's down to 90, lungs clear? [to Melinda] Does your tongue feel swollen?"
Foreman, No hives.
Chase, It's not an allergy.
Foreman," Her lips are cyanotic, we've got to intubate."
Barbara, What are you doing?
Chase, Pushing lorazepam.
Foreman," She's not getting enough oxygen, we've got to assist her breathing."
Barbara, What was that? Was that a reaction to the treatment?
Foreman, It's the paralysis. It's reached her lungs.
Chase, Melinda's dying.
House, [in his PJs] We're all dying. How fast?
Foreman, Too fast for Guillain-Barre.
Chase, Cuddy wants to get her an MRI to rule out a spinal lesion.
House, [hobbling across his kitchen with a pot filled with water] Cuddy? What's she doing on this?
Foreman, The family lost confidence in us.
House," I don't blame them. I'll be right in. [he puts down the phone and puts the pot of water next to the couch, then proceeds to lift one of Wilson's hands and dips it into the pot of water]"
Foreman, It's like she got poisoned with a nerve agent.
Cameron, Glue inhalation. Would explain why she hasn't admitted it.
Foreman, Tox screen was clear for pot. Middle class heart transplant Patient's going to huff glue?
Chase, Pesticides?
Cameron, This time of the year they're not spraying.
House," This girl's tough. She gets what she wants. She's deprived of huMan contact; she gets herself a back door Man. Or in her case, a side window boy. What else has she been deprived of?"
Cameron, She's on a special diet because of her allergies.
House," The boyfriend brings the hot beef, he also brings a side dish. Botulism."
Foreman," This paralysis is ascending, remember?"
House, Not if the heart pRoblem was really a paralytic pRoblem.
Cameron, Why would she admit the sex and not the food?
Chase, She didn't admit anything. He admitted the sex and we didn't ask him about food.
House, Get me a rat.
Cameron, You have a rat.
House," What? We're not going to kill Steve! Only way to confirm this, we inject a rat with her blood, and wait for it to get all botulistic on your ass. In the meantime I'm going downstairs to browbeat the scared dying teenage girl until she... breaks down like a scared dying teenage girl."
House, [to Wilson] You're up early.
Wilson, Cuddy needed a consult.
Cuddy, We're checking for spinal lesions from leukaemia.
House," Yeah, I know. Fits perfectly. Unless this is the Patient with the anaphylaxis, the heart failure, and the paralysis. In which case you're wasting your time."
Barbara, We wanted a second opinion.
House," Second? We've given you at least 8. Ok, well then here is 9. [he extubates Melinda] Botulism. Listen to me, have you eaten anything abnormal? Any canned foods?"
Melinda, No.
House," You sure? Lying to your parents is usually the right thing to do, but there is an impending death exception. [he takes the bag and puts it over her mouth then pumps it to help her breathe]"
Lewis, Don't talk to her like that!
House," You're right, she nEver lies. I was being rude. When your boyfriend snuck in on Friday night [turns around to the parents] - surprise! - perhaps he got you some sexy little treats, huh? Some Honey or some edible underwears, massage oils, come on, anything."
Melinda, [gasping for breath] We didn't--
House," Yeah, we know about the sex. [Melinda's eyes widen in shock] Turns out that Danny's little Danny is full of penicillin and that's what caused your anaphylactic shock."
Barbara, What? You didn't tell us that!
Melinda," No! It was clindAmycin, what I use."
House, [shocked] He said he was on penicillin.
Melinda, [shakes her head] I saw the bottle.
Foreman, It's a non-penicillin antibiotic.
House, If the antibiotics didn't cause the anaphylaxis...
Foreman, It's still on the table.
House, Everything's connected.
Foreman, What did we discuss? What was the differential?
House," Cameron said... [House and Foreman share a look, Foreman takes over pumping the bag to help Melinda breathe] When Dan came to your House that night, did he go through any tall grass?"
Melinda, Climbed a fence.
Barbara, What are you doing?
House," Your daughter had 2 visitors on Friday night. One of them is still in the room. She has tick paralysis. Dan tracked a tick on to his jeans, which wouldn't be a pRoblem but being a teenager, Dan couldn't keep his tick in his pants."
Foreman, We already checked her.
House, Now I'm checking her.
Wilson, Tick bites don't ordinarily cause anaphylactic shock.
House, This girl's allergies are not ordinary.
Cuddy," House, get out of here, we have to re-intubate her, and get her into the MRI."
House," Time course is perfect. Bite itself sets off an allergic reaction, venom takes 4 days to kick in, heart's vulnerable, hits that first. Then a day later, sets off the ascending paralysis."
Cuddy, Except that ticks aren't usually invisible.
House," They are until you find them! [he triumphantly holds up the comb...] oh no, that's dandruff. Okay well that wasn't nearly as dramatic as I'd hoped. It just means that next time it'll be Even better."
Lewis, What's happening?
House, That's the tick venom ascending.
Cuddy, Either that or you stressed her into heart failure. BP's dropping. Heart rate 47.
Foreman, I'm administering atropine.
Cuddy," She's going to need a trans-venous pacing wire. Ok, magical tick hunt is over! [she pulls House away] Only real doctor stuff now."
House," She's just going to get worse. Ticks produce more toxins the longer they feed. She's going to be dead in an hour, Even if you pump her heart full of jet fuel. Unless you let me find the tick."
Barbara, Could he be right?
Cuddy, The only thing I know for sure is that your daughter's heart won't last another 20 minutes without treatment.
House," Okay, just need one final instruction, when I find the tick on the autopsy, do you want to know? I'm thinking not, pRobably will make coping easier."
Cuddy," Stop talking to them! [to a nurse] Page Borsisky in Cardiology and get her team down here, stat. [to another nurse] Get them out of here, get House out of here too. Dr Wilson, I could use your help."
Wilson, Well I don't know if the dopamine's enough. She may need an inamrinone lactate. [he says that just before House gets out the door so House can hear]
Barbara, Why? What's that?
Cuddy, She doesn't--
Wilson, She might need stronger pressers and they don't have any in radiology.
Cuddy, Inamrinone can cause arrhythmia and thrombocytopenia.
Wilson, Not inamrinone could cause death. Death's worse. We have to get her up to the ICU.
House," Sorry, a little crowded in here."
Cuddy," House, get out of the elevator."
House, You're welcome to wait for the next one. [he takes back his cane and the doors start to close]
Cuddy, You got her?
Foreman, Got her.
House," Well as long as we're stuck here, this might be a good time to look for that tick."
Foreman, Turn the elevator back on.
House," Just be a minute, Honey."
Foreman, Atropine's wearing off.
House, Inject her again.
Foreman, That's just temporary.
House," Temporary's fine, we're not hanging wallpaper."
Foreman, We've got to get her upstairs and put her on norepiniphrine.
House, It wasn't penicillin. You still think the symptoms are unconnected?
Foreman, We've got to take care of her heart-- [he takes the bag and starts pumping to aid her breathing again]
House," [shouting] You wake up in the morning, your paint's peeling, your curtains are gone, and the water's boiling. Which pRoblem do you deal with first?"
Foreman, House!
House," None of them! The building's on fire! We treat her symptoms, she dies, we find the cause, she lives. That tick is an IV drip of poison, we unhook it, she'll be fine."
Foreman, [gives up after a few seconds] This is my last atropine. Buys us about 3 minutes.
House, Let's get her gown up.
Foreman, Her heart rate falls below 35; we're getting her to the ICU. Not going to let her die in this elevator.
Lewis, Where are they?
Cuddy, [to the nurses] Get maintenance up here right away.
Foreman, Ear canal's clean.
House, Left foot's clean.
Foreman," If it's not here, we've only got... heart rate's 46."
House," It's here. Looks like a mole or a freckle, something we missed. Check the armpits."
Cuddy, Dr Foreman's an excellent doctor; he'll be able to handle it.
Lewis, Yeah? You know that from experience? You lose a lot of Patient's on elevators?
Barbara," The maintenance guy said that it didn't just stop on its own, that they hit the emergency stop button."
Cuddy, [shares a look with Wilson] I'm sure he must be mistaken. [Wilson nods thoughtfully]
House, Perinuem.
Foreman, We checked it. If we get her upstairs--
House, Maxilla.
Foreman," Checked. [checks her heart rate] Down to 38. We don't have a lot of time, we've got to--"
House," Eyebrows, eardrums, pubic hair."
Foreman," Checked, checked, checked. We checked Everywhere. It's not-- [alarms start beeping, her heart rate has gone below 35] 35, we've got to get her to the ICU."
House, We haven't found the tick yet.
Foreman," We already kidnapped her, you want to add murder!? We've looked over Every inch of skin on her body, House. It's over. [he releases the emergency stop button]"
House," Hey, is that the first time you had sex? [she faints] With all the other stuff going on down there she might not have realised... [he starts checking her vagina for the tick]"
Foreman, Oh!
Lewis," You sick, miserable-- [he rushes into the elevator, quickly followed by Wilson trying to stop him]"
Cuddy, What are you doing?!
Barbara, Oh my god!
Wilson, Wait!
House, See? I told you it'd be Even more dramatic. [He's holding a tick... and its legs are still wriggling]
House," Push norepiniphrine, get her heart back to normal. She'll be completely cured by tomorrow."
Cuddy," Foreman, let's get her into the ICU. [They wheel Melinda away followed by the parents. House hobbles out of the elevator, grabs his cane still on the bed, then lets them take her away to the ICU. He drops the tick into someone's cup and starts taking off his gloves as Wilson drops in beside him]"
House, Inamrinone was a stupid idea. Unless you wanted me to get that girl in the elevator.
Wilson," Oh, I wouldn't do that."
House, Wouldn't respect you if you did.
Wilson, Wow. Looks like somebody filed halfway through your cane while you were sleeping.
Foreman," Reflexes back to normal. Heart's looking good too. I'll send in the nurse, we'll get you transferred out of ICU and you'll be discharged in the morning."
Melinda," Thank god, I just want to get home."
Barbara, And back to school on Monday.
Melinda, I'm not ready.
Barbara, You're ready.
Melinda," I'm sick, mom."
Barbara," You're not sick. You're going to go to class. And you're going to see your friends, and your boyfriend. [she kisses Melinda on the forehead. Foreman smiles]"
Wilson, I called a divorce Lawyer today.
House, Does that mean you're leaving?
Wilson, At some point. [big pause] You might not want to sit exactly there.
Voice," The huMan heart is a giant muscle, squeezing or contracting over 60 times each minute. That's 3000-- [fades out]"
Teacher," At this point, your blood is a deep purple because it's just finished dropping off oxygen for all the parts of your body. Come on, follow me. [The kids excitedly jump around looking at the lights projecting blood cells onto the walls. They finally stop at a largish chAmber, a boy raises his hand] Ian."
Ian," I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom."
Teacher, Which would you like to do first?
Ian, The question.
Teacher, Ok.
Ian, Where's the bathroom?
Teacher, [gives Ian a look] Who knows where the bathroom is?
Mike, I do.
Teacher, Go with Ian to the bathroom.
Mike, I don't have to go.
Teacher," We're not at school, nobody goes anywhere by themselves."
Mike, Why?
Teacher, In case you get lost.
Ian, Or in case somebody kidnaps us.
Mike," If somebody kidnaps Ian, he'll kidnap me too. I want to stay with the class."
Teacher," Michael, go with Ian-- [she gasps and clutches at her belly. She's heavily pregnant]"
Ian, Do you need help?
Teacher, I need you to find a grownup.
Ian, Is the baby coming? [teacher screams in pain] Who should I take with me?
Teacher, You're fine. Go to the front desk or find a security guard.
Ian, I really have to pee.
Teacher, Oh god!
Ian, Is the baby coming? I don't know how to do this.
Teacher," Are you ok, Ian?"
Ian," Yeah, sure. [he kneels down next to her]"
Teacher," I don't think you are. [she sees some blood on his pants, dabs her fingers in it and shines her torch on her fingers to check that it's definitely bright red blood] You're bleeding."
Teacher, Heeelp!!
Wilson,20
Cuddy, Call.
House, You'll call anything.
Cuddy, My stack's bigger than your stack. [House checks his cards again] You in or out?
House," You know that relative to their size, gorillas have smaller testicles than huMans."
Cuddy," Well then you'd pRobably have an edge over a gorilla, but not over me."
House," Reason is, primate teste size inversely corresponds to the fidelity of our females."
Wilson, Do you think there might be a better time to annoy me about my wife?
House, I'm talking about poker.
Wilson, Right.
Cuddy," Women are evil, you're right to drive them away. Call fold or raise, storytime can wait!"
House," We're smaller and better than Parkmps, bigger and worse than gorillas. For all our rationality, our supposed trust and fealty to a higher power, our ability to create a system of rules and laws; our baser drives are more powerful than any of that. We want to control our emotions, but we can't. [Wilson looks tolerably annoyed] If we're happy, things don't annoy us. If on the other hand, we're sitting on crappy hold cards, little tiny things annoy us a whole lot more. [he puts the cigar back in his mouth and wags it up and down almost right in front of Wilson's face. Wilson seems to have a poker face on] I raise."
Wilson, So are you going to tell me an annoying story Everytime I raise?
House, God that would be annoying.
Cuddy, I call.
Dr Wells," Dr Cuddy, got one of your Patients in the ER. Ian Alston, 6-yrs-old?"
Cuddy," Err, oh, I know him, what's the pRoblem? [to House] I'm all in. [she shoves all her Parkps to the centre of the table]"
Dr Wells, Bloody diarrhea. Hemodynamically stable but he's been dEveloping some co-ordination pRoblems.
Cuddy," That sounds like gastroenteritis and dehydration. Order fluids and I'll take it on my service. Bet's to you, House."
House, They scan his head?
Dr Wells," No, why would they scan--"
Cuddy, Don't play games. You gonna call?
House, How's the heart rate?
Dr Wells, Stable.
Cuddy," I'm sorry. House, it's gastroenteritis. I'm not going anywhere. [to Wells] Put the order in, and have someone tell Alan and Sarah that I'll be up when I'm done. [to House] You in or out?"
House, [after a pause] I'm out. [he gets up to leave]
Cuddy," Oh! [she puts down her cards face up] Stone cold bluff! You might want to spend a little more time paying attention to your cards, and a little less time staring at my breasts."
House, They don't match either. I'm going to take some air.
House, Follow my finger with your eyes. [Ian's eyes seem to follow the finger just fine]
Sarah, [the mother] How much longer will doctor Cuddy be?
House," Given the number of mojitos she's knocking back at the party, I'd say it's going to be at least 3 hours before she's Even conscious."
Sarah, Weren't you at the same party?
House, [pops a vicodin] I don't drink. I want you to reach out and grab my cane. [Ian's hand reaches out way to the right of the cane and grabs thin air. He gradually corrects himself and grabs onto the cane after a couple more tries]
Alan, [the father] What's wrong?
House, Your son's brain is losing control of his muscles.
Sarah, Dr Cuddy's message said it was just dehydration from diarrhea.
House, She's wrong. [he gets up to leave]
Alan, Is he going to be all right?
House, I don't know.
Woman, So were you in one of those cages?
Chase," No! No. No no no, those are for tourists."
Woman, You were in the water with the Great White?
Chase," Sure. It's no big deal, you just have to keep an eye on them. If they get too close, punch them in the nose, send them on their way. [the Woman looks skeptical but shocked, Chase starts laughing] I had you going."
Woman, You are mean.
House," [suddenly interrupts] Hey! How's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet or is it still draining? [looks at the Woman] Oh, I'm sorry, didn't realise you'd come back for seconds. I figured that after the girl on the stairwell you'd be done for the night."
Chase, He's joking.
House," No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time. [he smiles and nods in amusement]"
Woman, [looks very uncomfortable] I'll er... see you later. [House winks at her as she leaves]
House, Got a case.
Chase," Well you could have just said that, you didn't have to screw with me."
House," Yeah if I didn't screw with you, you'd spend the whole night thinking you might get laid, which means you'd be useless. Better to extinguish all hope. Get Foreman and Cameron and meet me upstairs, stat."
Chase, What's so urgent?
House," Two cases, same symptoms. What do 6-yr-olds and 70-yr-olds have in common?"
Cameron," Their immune systems don't work as well, could be Listeria."
House, I already checked for that.
Foreman, Leukemia has a higher prevalence in both young and old.
Cameron, So does asthma.
House, No no no.
Cameron, Could both be diabetes. [she and Foreman pick up the case files on the table]
House, No! The nearly dead and the newly bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. What's weird is the kind of circle of life thing.
Foreman, This kid doesn't have kidney failure.
House, He will.
Foreman," Based on this file, the kid just ate some bad food. Was the old Man--"
House, They were nowhere near each other in any of the four dimensions.
Cameron, This case is 12 years old.
House, Yep.
Foreman, And this case is Cuddy's.
House, She assigned it to me.
Chase, She agrees with you that this is something more than gastroenteritis?
House," She wouldn't have assigned it to me if she didn't, would she?"
House, What were we talking about?
Chase, Two Patients with two symptoms in common. And 5 symptoms not in common.
House," While you were all wearing your 'Frankie says Relax' T-shirts, I was treating a 73-yr-old Woman who went through this progression of symptoms, the last of which was... [he leans down and writes DEATH at the bottom of all her symptoms] In case any of you missed that class in med school, that one's untreatable. Kid's got the first two. Took Esther an hour and 20 mins to go from two to three. And less than a day to make it all the way to the rear exit."
Chase," This is all because a Parkld has some blood in his diarrhea. He's got a tummy ache, if there was any reason to think it was anything worse, Cuddy would be all over it."
House, Great. Do a colonoscopy.
Cameron, On a 6-yr-old kid who pRobably has nothing worse than some food poisoning?
House," If you happen to find any purple papules, do me a favour and grab a slice. I want to check for Erdheim-Chester."
Chase," A disease that there have been what, maybe 200 reported cases of, Ever?"
House," If Esther's family had let me to an autopsy, there'd be 201."
Foreman, See anything?
Chase," No, and I don't expect to."
Foreman," House usually avoids cases. If he's actually stealing a case from Cuddy, there's gotta be a reason."
Chase," That's not the first time I've seen this file. About a month before Cameron was hired, some trucker came in here with these symptoms. House decided he was dying. Two days and a spinal tap, bone marrow extraction, and three colonoscopies later, we send the guy home with a bunch of painkillers and a diagnosis of a bad cheese sandwich. One of the guys who worked here before me said House tried to cure Esther at least 3 other times. You know how people see the Virgin Mary in danishes and stuff? Someone died 12 years ago and House doesn't know why. House sees that case now in... paint peeling and clouds and now this poor kid."
Cameron, Erdhem-Chester is an abnormal growth of some of the cells that fight infection.
Sarah, Is that cancer? He seems ok now.
Alan, Yeah the other doctor kind of scared us about that.
Cameron," He shouldn't have. We're just testing, it'll pRobably be negative."
Alan, I don't understand. You don't think that's what it is but you want to do this thing to him anyway?
Cameron, We need to be sure.
Sarah, Isn't there any other way?
Cameron, It shouldn't take long.
Alan, All right.
Foreman, Those ridges look a lot like purple papules.
Chase," They're not purple, they're red. PRobably just blood blisters."
Foreman, Give me the biopsy needle.
Chase, How long is this going to take?
Cameron," Forget it Chase, your punParkng the shark story is good but she's not waiting for you. [Foreman laughs]"
House, [walks in] So?
Foreman, We couldn't confirm the source of the bleeding but we did biopsy some--
Chase, Blood blisters.
House," You mean papules. Come on Cameron, who's right? [she's looking into the microscope]"
Cameron, Chase is. Negative for Erdheim-Chester.
House, Let me see. [he checks] If it's not Erdheim-Chester...
Chase," It's exactly what we said before, garden variety viral gastroenteritis, can we go back to the party?"
House, [taking off his bowtie] Do a kidney biopsy. Esther's shut down in exactly-- [he checks his watch]
Chase," This kid is not Esther. You screwed up, she died, I'm sorry but that does not mean this kid is dying as well."
House, Geez. You get testy when you don't get any fuzz. Come on.
Sarah, What'd the test say?
Chase, Colonoscopy was clean. And the biopsy was negative for Erdheim-Chester.
Alan, So Ian's going to be all right? It was just some sort of virus?
Sarah, What's that?
House, Urine.
Alan, But it's brown.
Chase, Ian's kidneys are shutting down.
House, Still think it's not the same case?
House," So, what can cause bloody diarrhea, ataxia and kidney failure?"
Chase, I'll go and do a biopsy.
House, Forget it. That battle's over. His rising creatinine is his kidney's way of saying go on without me. What explains Everything?
Chase," E. coli H0157 causes bloody diarrhea, and leads to hemolytic uremic syndrome. Toxins from the bacteria causes his kidneys to shut down, we should start him on plasmapheresis."
House," Clear, concise, and completely plausible. And exactly what I did last time, didn't work. What else?"
Cameron, Goodpasture's syndrome. Circulating antibodies cause kidney failure and bleeding.
House, But not the purple papules.
Foreman," If you throw in Esther's next symptom - brain, makes me think heavy metal toxicity."
Cameron," His hematocrit would have to be low, it's at 44 and Esther's nEver dropped below..."
House,42
Foreman, You have the file memorised?
House, It's my lucky number.
Cameron," What about lymphoma? Causes kidney failure, GI bleed and can infiltrate the base of the brain."
Foreman, You check Esther for that?
House," She nEver showed any signs of... if he has lymphoma this far advanced, we should be able to see it in his blood and brain. Chase, run a blood smear and immuno-chemistries. Foreman get an MRI."
Cameron, I'll page Cuddy.
House, No you won't.
Cameron, She thinks the kid has a stomach ache.
House," She'll come right up here and do one of two things - if she agrees with me, I don't need her, if she disagrees I don't want her."
Foreman, You can't handle people disagreeing with you? She might have a different take on this.
House," Subordinates can disagree with me all they want, it's healthy. People who can shut me down on the other hand... forget Cuddy, I'll have Wilson keep her busy."
House, [puts his phone on speakerphone] Keep your answers short and discrete. Is Cuddy still playing?
Wilson, The Parkcken is still in Picadilly Square.
House, Brilliant. She'll nEver suspect that NorMandy is her target.
Cuddy, Is that House? Tell him that the blinds just went to 20-40 and he's running out of Parkps.
House, How's she doing?
Wilson," Well what's going on? The way you took off, something's obviously--"
House, Love to chat but got a game to play. How's she doing?
Wilson," The Patient is on life support, we're about to pull the plug."
Cuddy, Are you talking about me?
House, And what have you got?
Wilson, Hmm... does sound like high dose cardio meds.
House," [while on the phone, performs a trick to make a Parkp disappear, what a magician he is] Two hearts. You got the flush?"
Wilson, Still waiting on the final labs.
House, She drinking her seltzer?
Wilson," No, hydration is not a pRoblem."
House, Means she's bluffing. Push her all in. [Wilson does so]
Cuddy, Call. [flips her cards] Two pair. Show me your hearts.
Wilson, [flips his cards but only ends up having one pair] SEven of clubs. [Cuddy cackles]
House," Oh dear, sounds like I messed up. You're going to be stuck with her for a while. Talk to you soon. [puts down the phone]"
Cuddy, Ohoho! Yes! [sweeps all the Parkps she's won in]
Sarah, Why are you taking a picture of his head?
Cameron, We're looking for lymphoma but--
Sarah," Wait, so it's not Erdheim something and it's not his kidneys but his kidneys are failing? Where's Dr Cuddy?"
Alan," Erm Dr House mentioned another case, is there another Patient with the same thing that Ian has?"
Cameron, Not exactly.
Alan, What does that mean?
Cameron, Dr House had a Patient a while back who exhibited the same symptoms as your son--
Sarah, Then you know what's wrong?
Cameron, No.
Sarah, So what do you know?
Cameron, We know the likely course the disease will take.
Alan, Which is?
Cameron, She had multiple system failures--
Sarah, What happened to her?
Cameron, She... died 24 hours after her admission.
Foreman," Mr or Mrs Alston, would you mind giving me a hand? He's having trouble sitting still and it's impossible to get the detail we need. So I figure he might feel more comfortable hearing your voices. [he turns on the mic]"
Sarah," Ian Honey, just sit still, they'll be done in a moment, we're here with you."
Ian, I'm scared.
Sarah," It's ok, Honey. It's... it's only a big camera. It's going to take a picture of your head. You love it when I take your picture at home, don't you?"
Ian, Yeah.
Sarah," And you have to hold still for that too, right?"
Ian, But this isn't like that.
Sarah," I know it's scary, Ian, but you can do it. You're getting to be so grown up. So just hold perfectly still, just for a little bit."
Ian, Mommy are you crying?
Sarah," No, no Honey, I'm just tired."
Ian," Okay, I'll try."
Cameron, The base of his brain's been infiltrated by a small mass. We think--
House, Pituitary?
Cameron, Looks that way.
Foreman, Explains the low blood pressure.
House," [walks to the board and starts writing, Chase enters] Pretty much confirms the lymphoma. Should have started Esther on prednisone."
Chase, Err... did anyone see the lymphoma?
Cameron," No, we saw a mass. The location's consistent with--"
Chase," Didn't see any in the blood either. White blood cells show no spindling, or abnormal nuclei, nothing on immuno-chemistries either. It's not lymphoma."
House," [hopes shot down again, he takes his cane and wanders out of the room with the Ducklings in tow]"
Foreman, House!
House, It's a train. We don't know what kind of train--
Foreman, Woah [grabs House's cane]
House, I'm thirsty.
Foreman, It's closed!
House, [yanks his cane back and starts whacking the lock again until it does open and the gate rolls up out of the way] It's not now. We've got one advantage. We know where the tracks are going.
Chase, The fact that the end of the line is death... is an advantage?
House, The fact that we know is an advantage. [he turns on the coffee maParkne and gets himself a cup] Which means we can get ahead of it. Next station is the liver. We've got about 90 minutes before it gets there. Maybe we can cut down a tree across the line just outside of town.
Chase, I'll do an ultrasound.
House," No, treatment will tell us more faster."
Cameron, How can we start treatment if we have no idea what we're treating for?
House, [angrily knocks back some stuff on the counter with a crash] Treat him for Everything! Give him acetylcysteine and interferon and silymarine and whatEver else you can think of to protect the liver.
Wilson, What's going on?
House, Oh just catParkng up on some TV. How're you doing?
Wilson," Well thanks to your last consult, the Patient has improved dramatically."
Cuddy, Tell House the Patient is about to kill the doctor.
Wilson, She says the Patient--
House, I heard. What've you got?
Wilson, Well Cuddy just raised and err...
House, You're paired.
Wilson, What?
House, Nines?
Wilson," [momentary shock, he looks around to check whether House is standing behind him or something] How do you know?"
House," Anything lower, you wouldn't sound so excited. Jacks are higher, your voice sounds like Debbie from accounting is sitting in your lap. Ask Cuddy if she can beat a pair of threes."
Wilson," Wait, wha... what's going on? If you're going to mess with me, wouldn't it be more fun to do it in person?"
House," Yes, it would."
Wilson, [to Cuddy] Erm... can you beat a pair of threes?
House, What did she do?
Wilson," I left orders for PO fluids, doctor."
House," Enough with the codes, she obviously knows it's me."
Wilson, She's drinking her seltzer. [Cuddy looks surprised and stops]
House, Did she stop?
Wilson, Yes.
House, Go all in.
Wilson, Umm... but...
House, Just do it.
Wilson," You couldn't care less about this charity Event, you claim not to be messing with me, obviously you're either trying to keep me--"
House," Shut up! Look, last time I wanted the game to go on. I still do. Means that this time you get to win."
Wilson," Hold on. [he shoves his meagre bunch of Parkps forwards. Cuddy looks wary, Wilson gazes at her challengingly]"
Cuddy, I fold.
Wilson," [picks up the phone again] Ohohoho! [House is staring at the whiteboard] House, are you sure you're ok? [House puts down the phone on Wilson suddenly]"
Chase, Meds seem to be working. Liver's holding its own.
House, Good.
Chase, But the platelets are dropping.
House, Even better.
Chase, Why? It means he's getting sicker.
House, It's new. New is good. Because old ended in death.
Ian," I can't breathe. [he starts choking, alarms start beeping]"
Foreman, Chase! [Chase rushes back in]
Sarah," What? What's happening? Ian come on now, Honey, just relax! Ian, breathe, come on Honey! Please! Please, Honey!"
Foreman, We had to put him on a ventilator.
House," He's back on Esther's path. We Managed to make the train skip a few stations which means that instead of 12 hours, he's pRobably got less than two. Which begs the question why. What did we do?"
Chase, Acetylcysteine could mess with the lungs.
House," Mess with them, not shut them down in 20 minutes."
Cameron, Interferon modulates the immune system. It could affect a cancer of the blood like one of the leukemias.
Foreman, Doesn't speed them up it slows them down.
Cameron, Slows down all five hundred of them? [Foreman concedes her point]
House, Anybody know where we can find an oncologist at this hour?
House, What effects would interferon have on leukemia?
Wilson," Depends on what type. Could make it better, could make it worse."
House, Four-year fellowship to learn that.
Cuddy, Tell House if he wants to play cards he can get his ass back down here and play.
House," You hear that? She wants me off the phone, means she's vulnerable. Go all in."
Wilson, But um... the party's over in less than 3 hours.
Cuddy, It's over in less than 2 hours. Which means you either have 3 of a kind or just 3's. I'm guessing 3's. I bet five hundred.
House, Go all in.
Wilson, You obviously want to bust me . Why would you--
House, Either you go all in or I tell Everybody in the building that you wear toenail polish.
Wilson, I'm all in. [he shoves his pile of Parkps into the centre]
Cuddy," I'll... call. I'm betting you have a pair of threes, but Even if you have three, it's not going to beat Trip nines."
Wilson," [fakes a rather anguished face before turning over one card, and then the other rather enthusiastically] Oh, oh, oh no, oh no! Ohhhh that's gotta hurt. [The glee on Cuddy's face turns to horror]"
House, What happened?
Wilson, I just killed two birds with one straight. Goodbye.
House," Fine, keep playing, but I need you to recommend a good Oncologist because if I don't get one up here in the next few minutes, I got a dead 6-yr-old. [Wilson puts down the phone]"
Wilson," If you need help, ask. These games are insane."
House, Games have a higher success rate.
Wilson," Well, I don't see anything that looks like leukemia. You do a bone marrow biopsy?"
House, No time.
Wilson," Even if there is an occult blood cancer, you wouldn't expect interferon to make it worse. And certainly not this fast."
House, What would move this fast?
Cameron, Auto-immune diseases. His body's own defenses are attacking him and beefing them up is just going to put fuel on the fire.
Foreman, Sarcoidosis could be in his brain and lungs.
Cameron," No, no enlarged hilar lymph nodes on his chest x-ray."
Chase, The systemic nature suggests juvenile rheumatoid arthritis.
Wilson, Or Kawasaki's disease.
Foreman, Can't be Kawasaki's. That doesn't affect the elderly.
Wilson, Err the... this is a kid's x-ray.
Cameron, House had another Patient.
Wilson," Who may or may not have had Kawasaki's. This kid on the other hand, he makes antibodies that are eating the inside of his arteries, choking off blood to his major organs one by one. First the GI tract, then the kidneys, then the brain, now the lungs."
House, Can anyone think of a reason why Kawasaki's can't affect the elderly? Other than it doesn't. [no reply] Nice.
Foreman," We can confirm with bloodwork. We need an ANA, sed rate--"
Cameron, Labs will take 2 hours.
Chase, What was the old lady's sed rate?
House, Elevated. 98.
Wilson, You can't use another Patient's labs to diagnose Kawasaki's disease!
House, Is that like a dare or something?
Wilson, You don't have time to be wrong.
House," Fine. We'll look for Kawasaki where he lives, Ian's coronary arteries."
Wilson, This other Patient... the old lady... Esther?
Wilson, Have you read Moby Dick?
House, It was a book?
Wilson, It was 10 years ago.
House,12
Wilson, Obsession is dangerous.
House, Only if you're on a wooden ship and your obsession is a whale. I think I'm in the clear.
Wilson, You do realise it's a metaphor?
House," You do realise that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen than what will really happen? God I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better. Go back to the game. Don't worry, I'm not going to get eaten by witches. [he gets into the elevator and leaves Wilson standing alone]"
Chase, Coronary arteries clear. No aneurysms.
Cameron," Flip the mode, let's see the flow."
Sarah, How did that other Woman die?
Foreman, She went into respiratory distress. Her heart and liver were already--
Sarah, No. Did she suffer? Was she in pain?
Foreman, I don't know.
Chase," No blood clots, no ragged edges."
Cameron," Damn. Shut it down, we're just wasting time."
Chase, Look at the right atrium.
Cameron, That's not Kawasaki's.
Chase, No.
Chase," It's small, but it's there."
Foreman, Esther didn't have a mass in her heart.
House, Ian's younger. He can take more of a pounding. Esther died before the disease reached her heart. The disease made a mass and made it fast.
Cameron, Could be bacteria.
Foreman, Or muscle.
Chase, Connective tissue?
House," Kid can't take any more theories. Only thing we know is that whatEver that mass is, that's what he's got. We need a piece of it. I'm doing a biopsy."
Chase, I'll shut the blinds.
House," No let them watch, I do my best work on the big stage. Passing through the superior vena cava."
Chase, You're in the atrium. Pull back. You've hit the wall of the heart.
House," These procedures would be so much simpler if you could do them on healthy people. And out again. [as he's pulling the biopsy needle out, alarms start beeping] V fib!"
Chase, Cardiac arrest! Call a code.
House," [takes off Ian's Robe] Come on, paddles! Come on."
Nurse, Charged.
House," Clear! [he shocks Ian, no effect]"
Over the announcement system," Code blue, Iso room. Code blue, Iso room. [nurses run to the alert]"
House," And again. [shocks Ian, Chase checks for a pulse]"
Chase, Nothing.
House," Again. [shock, check for pulse]"
House, You got a clock on this?
Chase, How much longer are you going to keep doing this?
House," Clear. [shock, check for pulse]"
Chase, Wait! I've got something.
House, He's back. [he starts to finish taking out the biopsy needle which is still stuck where it was before Ian went into cardiac arrest]
Chase, What are you doing?
House, Doing what we came here to do.
Chase, It almost killed him.
House," I know, I was right here. Give me a vacutainer."
Chase," His brain's been oxygen-deprived for over 8 minutes. There might be nothing left, he might--"
House, Tell the parents. Where the hell is that vacutainer? [a nurse hands him one]
House," So, what's he got?"
Foreman, Brain damage.
House, Good chance. I was talking about before that.
Cameron, You're not worried about--
House," Things I can't do anything about, I try not to."
Foreman," Huh, yeah, things just roll off you like water off a duck."
Chase, Histiocytosis.
Foreman, Very unlikely in a 73-yr-old.
House," WhatEver this is is very unlikely. Come on, more ideas, let's go people."
Cameron, Genetic disorders could cause masses Everywhere. Tuberous sclerosis.
Foreman," If it's genetic he's had it all his life, why now?"
House," I don't know, it sure fits nice enough."
Chase, We haven't ruled out leukemia yet.
Cameron, Or sarcoma. He could have multiple soft tissue tumors.
Foreman, Or sarcoidosis.
Cameron, Multiple neurofibromatosis.
Foreman, Chondrocytomas.
House, How's it going? You win?
Cuddy," I got called away. By the angry parents of a Patient. There are THREE of you here, none of you had the sense to stop him, to pick up a phone and call me."
House," I told them you'd signed off. The parents are mad because their kid is dying, that's understandable. But if he doesn't die, they won't be mad anymore."
Cuddy," Well if he's brain-damaged, they might still be a little ticked."
House, I had to do it to save him.
Cuddy," You had to do it to diagnose Esther. You may have killed a 6-yr-old because you're obsessed with a Woman who's been dead for 12 years. Sometimes you lose, House. You're not God!"
House, He's not dead yet.
Cuddy," No, but you're done with him, it's my case now. Go home, go ride your motorcycle, go brood in a dark room, just don't go near Ian again. [she storms off]"
House," So, anything else or is it just these sEven?"
Foreman," Drop it House, she's right."
House, No she's not. You know she's not.
Chase, We should have called her.
House, I'm surprised you didn't.
Cameron, You're going to have to find a way to let this go. We can't go near Ian.
House," We don't need to go near him, we have his tumor. Cuddy may be right that we screwed up the protocol, she may be right about my screwed up obsession, but I'm right about the medicine. [he takes the tumor slice out of the fridge in a container and puts it in front of Cameron] How Many tests can we do with that? [Cameron sighs] Look, we cure the kid we solve Everybody's pRoblems. How Many?"
Cameron, Maybe two good pieces.
House, How Many okay pieces?
Cameron, Three would be pushing it.
House," [turns around to look back at the whiteboard] Three tests, sEven choices. Okay, what's first?"
Chase, Sarcoidosis seems most likely.
House," Yeah, so likely that Cuddy's going to think of that all on her own. She's got the kid's whole body to play with. Let her do that test. What's next?"
Foreman, It's moving too fast to be spreading. It has to be growing from something that's already--
Cameron, Genetic disorder - tuberous sclerosis.
Chase," Or it's his immune system, histiocytosis."
House," Well there are more documented cases of histio amongst older people than tuberous sclerosis, let's start with that. [he circles it on the board, Ducklings exit]"
Chase, Wing or drumstick?
Foreman, Going to need a little more than that.
Cameron, A little more is more than a third.
Foreman, If we have to repeat this test because you didn't cut us enough...
Chase, Adding one micro litre of the immunoperoxidase.
Foreman, Make it two. I don't want House biting off our heads because we weren't sure if it turned red or not.
Cameron, [looks into the microscope] That's definitely not red.
Chase, The pRoblem could still be an abnormal cell growth but a different cell line.
Foreman, Sarcoma? Muscle cells throughout his body? Would explain the geography.
Cameron, Genetic disorder's far more likely in a 6-yr-old. Tuberous sclerosis.
Chase, Pretty unlikely to cause a GI bleed.
Foreman, Time course fits.
House," Mr Foreman, you agree with both of them? Thanks for playing."
Foreman," If we have enough tissue for two tests, why not do both?"
House, Then we don't have to think as hard. Taking the pressure off the choice makes us less likely to think critically.
Foreman, Sarcoma is more likely to hit a 6 and 70 yr old.
House, Tuberous sclerosis it is.
Foreman, You think sarcoma's less likely?
House," It's more likely, the test for it on the other hand, is less reliable."
Cameron, Nestin's negative.
Foreman," Oh that's ok, if the tumor cells haven't matured, the KR67 protein wouldn't have turned off. What happens if we don't solve this?"
Cameron, Kid dies.
Foreman, I mean for the next 12 years.
Chase, KR67's negative. And PCH antigen is negative.
House, Mighty Casey is down to his last strike.
Foreman, Mighty Casey struck out.
House," Thanks a lot, didn't read that this weekend. [pops a vicodin]"
Cameron, Chondrocytoma. Connective tissue has been in all the places that we've been looking.
Foreman," The kid is too sick for that, we're better off testing for sarcoma."
Cameron, We would have seen signs of that when we tested for tuberous sclerosis.
Foreman, The tumor cells looked like muscle under the microscope.
Cameron," No, they didn't. They looked like fat."
Chase, I vote for neurofibromatosis.
House, Why?
Chase, Because the other choices suck worse.
House, Give me a minute.
House, You want me out of here?
Cuddy, You come up with anything?
House, No.
Wilson, Hey.
House, We can talk about it tomorrow.
Wilson," [he starts walking back to his office, then turns around again to address House] I erm... I won the poker tournament. [House is immediately interested] I totally played this guy BurMan from Business Affairs. I got great cards, but I don't bet. Just call, no raises. BurMan pairs his king on the flop, I keep calling, the river turns, I check. He can't stand it. He goes all in, he's sure he's won. [Wilson dramatically makes hand gestures about flipping the cards] I call. I flip 'em. Oh! [he looks victorious]"
House, Pocket aces.
Wilson, I nailed his ass!
House," [smiles indulgently, then suddenly realises something] The aces were hiding all along."
House, Test him for Erdheim-Chester disease.
Foreman, Erdheim-Chester? That's not Even on the list!
Chase, Because we already did it. He tested negative.
Cameron, So did Esther.
House, Disease lied.
Cameron," Yeah, the tumor's got it in for you. Diseases don't lie."
House," Fine, it didn't lie, it slow played us. We biopsied the colon, it hadn't reached the GI tract yet. It's there now. It's in his liver, his lungs--"
Chase, You want it to be there. Because then you didn't screw up 12 years ago.
Foreman, We can't waste our one test on the one disease we know it's not.
House, Run the test. [The ducklings look disappointed but do it anyway]
Chase, You sure about this?
House," Wait, let me think about that. Don't pressure me. Just run the damn test."
Cameron, Cells look like macrophages.
House, That's a good start.
House, [walks away and stares at the wall] Take your time and say it loud.
Foreman, CD 68 positive [he smiles]
House, Start the treatment. [Ducklings exit]
Wilson, So Esther can rest peaceful now huh?
House, Yeah.
Wilson, [peeks at his cards] Forty. [they are betting with real money this time] You got lucky. You going to call?
House," What I do, is not just based on the flip of a card."
Wilson, You guessed. You got lucky.
House, It fit.
Wilson, It could just as easily have been sarcoma or tuberous sclerosis.
House," No, not just as easily."
Wilson, Maybe not. But it wasn't impossible. Are you going to call?
House," [the piano music starts up again in the background, House smokes his cigar] You know, relative to it's size, the barnacle has the largest penis of any animal. [said with a poker face]"
Max," Hannah, you OK?"
Hannah, [quietly panting]
Max, Still can't sleep?
Hannah, [very slightly shakes her head] I'm fine.
Max, [sighs] Can I do anything to help you?
Hannah," Just go back to sleep, I'm going to go get a glass of wine."
Max, I can keep you company.
Hannah, You have work in the morning.
Max, Are you sure? You don't want me to?
Hannah, I'll be right back. Just sleep.
Max," Hannah? [Pauses, reaches the bottom of the stairs, sees Hannah on the floor in the room adjacent to the one she moves into] Hannah?"
Max, [desperate tone] What did you do?
Hannah, I just wanted to sleep.
Max, I'm calling an ambulance...
Hannah," [slowly tilts her face towards the camera, rEvealing blood on the wall, and a trickle of blood which is running down her left cheek.]"
Cuddy," [stands in the doorway for a brief moment, then loudly shuts the door.]"
House," [jumps, startled from sleep, takes the Medical Journal off his face.]"
Cuddy, You've seen one Patient in the last two hours.
House, CompliCated case. I'm a night owl - Wilson's an early bird. We're different species.
Cuddy, Move him into his own cage.
House," Who'll clean the droppings from mine? [Rolls over, turning his back to her]"
Cuddy," [walks to the other side of the examination bed, hands him the file] Twenty-five year old female with sleep issues."
House, I'm guessing she's... what's the medical term? Upset. These 25-year-old females are usually completely rational. They're rocks. Really. [glances at the file momentarily] Eh... my theory seems to be supported by the fact that she swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. Get her a shrink. And I need some shut-eye.
Cuddy, She's a little bit more than upset. She hasn't slept in ten days.
House," She's lying. Without REM sleep, your neurons stop regenerating - the brains shut down lobe by lobe. She'd be insane after five days - dead by ten."
Cuddy," Give me a little credit, I know what gets you off. She took the pills to sleep, not to kill herself."
House, ClEver alibi.
Cuddy," They didn't work. She stayed awake, Even though she downed the whole bottle."
House," [seems intrigued, takes the file from Cuddy]"
Cuddy, And the longest anyone has Ever survived without sleep is elEven days. Which gives you about 22 hours. [exits]
House, [sits up properly and reads the file]
Cameron, [slaps a medical journal down on the table] You stole my article.
Foreman, I wouldn't do that.
Chase, [gives Foreman a wary glance]
Cameron, I wrote up the case where we induced hypothermic cardiac arrest in the terminal cancer girl.
Foreman," I wrote my own, I didn't steal yours."
Cameron," You knew I was writing one, you gave me notes!"
House," Got a case. It can wait, you two finish. [To Chase] Five bucks says someone loses an eye."
Cameron, [snatches the file from House and begins reading through it]
House," Fine. You're only putting off the inevitable. Twenty five year old female, hasn't slept for ten days."
Cameron," I assume the ER tried giving her some sedatives, we should up the dosage."
Foreman, Sedation isn't the same as sleep.
Cameron," Thanks for your insight. For someone who hasn't slept in ten days, sedation is a great start."
Foreman," Sleep is an active process. Reboots the system, restores the brain, sedatives don't---"
Cameron," [interrupts him] The brain is being stressed, we need to reliEve that. [To House] You've had my article on your desk for the last four months!"
House," I'm a very slow reader. No fEver, no white count, means no infection."
Chase, SParkzophrenia?
House, No delusions.
Cameron, You read his!
House," I signed it, I didn't read it. [pauses] Aside from the sleeping pills, tox-screen was clean. No cocaine, meth, amphetamines, or diet pills."
Chase," Only medications she'd had recently are steroids for poison ivy, and ibuprofen for a knee she hurt skiing."
Cameron, Nothing that would cause sleep disturbances. When did you get his article?
House, Ahh.. about three weeks ago. Let's go back to the beginning.
Chase, How far back?
House," Genesis. God said, let there be light."
Foreman, Sleep is initially controlled by external light cues.
Chase, And if her brain can't interpret those cues..
Cameron, Optic-nerve disease.
House, I'm sensing another article.
Cameron, I'll go run the tests.
Cameron, I'm injecting a dye which will allow us to look at your retina and your optic nerve.
Hannah, Everything's kinda blurry.
Cameron, Normal because of the dye. It's going to be that way the next few hours.
Foreman, Need a hand?
Cameron, No.
Foreman, [amused sigh] We're nEver going to work together again?
Cameron, I just don't see the need to make you feel better by forgiving you.
Foreman," [sighs] I wasn't asking for forgiveness, I was asking if you needed help."
Cameron," It's unprofessional to be talking about this in front of a Patient. Maybe that doesn't matter to you, but..."
Foreman, It doesn't matter. She's not listening.
Cameron, [glances at Hannah] She's asleep.
Foreman, Normal stage one brain waves.
Cameron, You mean she's... better?
Hannah, [opens her eyes again] It's still blurry.
Foreman, You.. fell asleep.
Hannah, No I didn't.
House, [takes some vicodin out the pill bottle he had in his pocket and places it inside of a folded napkin]
Foreman, Negative for optic nerve disease.
House, But she sleeps.
Foreman," For like 10 seconds. Maximum, one minute. We also checked the ocular pressure. It's normal."
House, [begins loudly crushing the vicodin folded inside of the napkin with the back handle of his cane] And she doesn't know she sleeps.
Foreman," The brain is often unaware of stage one sleep. CT showed no tumors, no clots, no seizure disorders."
House," [unfolds the napkin and sprinkles the crushed vicodin over his food] So.. she sleeps, she just can't stay asleep."
Foreman, You... going somewhere with this?
House, You know what keeps me awake at night? Monsters in the closet.
Foreman," [laughs] There's no monster in the closet, we looked."
House," Well, it's certainly not showing up on the scans. [pauses] Where's Cameron?"
Foreman, She felt I could deliver the news on my own.
House," Oh, this is going to work out great."
Foreman, [silently smirks]
House, [wipes his hands off on the napkin] Come on.
House," If you two guys can't play nice together, I'm taking away your toys. I don't care whose fault this is."
Cameron, If YOU hadn't---
House," [interrupts her] I especially don't care if it's my fault. [pauses] WhatEver this Woman has, it's not showing up on our tests, which means she's sick... just not sick enough for us to see it."
Chase, [amused] You want us to make her sicker?
House, Yes. I want to stress her body. Specifically her brain. Keep her awake.
Cameron," But pRobably Even with the few minutes of sleep she does have, its torture."
House, So is cutting people with knives. But you can totally get away with that if you have a doctor coat on.
Foreman," House, those few seconds of sleep are maybe the only reason she's still alive."
House," The more symptoms we can force out of her, the more tests we can do, the more tests we do, the more information we get, the quicker we make a diagnosis. [pauses] See how much more fun it is when you guys get along? [points to Cameron and Foreman] You two, take the first four hours."
Hannah," [is lying in her bed, her head leaning forward]"
Foreman, Hannah?
Foreman, [louder] Hannah.
Hannah, [jolts awake]
Foreman, You fell asleep.
Hannah, No I didn't.
Cameron," Your brain doesn't remember, it was just a few seconds."
Max, Is this really necessary?
Foreman," The sooner we find out what's wrong, the sooner she can get a real night's rest."
Cameron," Hannah? [pauses, lightly shakes her] Hannah? Hannah."
Foreman," [rolls his eyes, sighs, moves over, pokes Hannah's thumb with a needle]"
Hannah," [jolts awake once more, wincing in pain] Ow... what did you do that for?"
Foreman, You fell asleep again.
Hannah, No I didn't.
Cameron, We're sorry.
Foreman, We have to do this.
Cameron," [moves him away from the Patient, then speaks in a lower voice] You don't have to be cruel."
Foreman, [amused sigh] You know what happens when you're nice. Nothing.
Cameron, That's how you define nice? Not stealing?
Max, [desperately] Doctors?
Hannah, [has her head relaxed and forward once again]
Foreman, She fall asleep again?
Max, [points to the area of the bed]
Cameron, We've got rectal bleeding.
House," What, all of you? [moves his feet off the table and sits in his chair properly] So the monster is peeking out from under the bed. Which either means she has a clotting disorder, or she has a tumor in her colon."
Chase, We'll do a colonoscopy.
House, Who's keeping her awake now?
Foreman," I figured once we found another symptom, it really didn't matter."
Cameron," [sarcastically] Yeah, he's got all the ideas."
House, [stern] Who is with her?
Chase," Her partner is donating blood, so she's with the nurse."
House, PRobably singing her lullabies. [pops open his vicodin bottle] I want her awake.
Chase, You have to sedate a Patient to do a colonoscopy.
House," Why? Just because of the pain? [places the pill in his mouth] If you find a tumor in her colon, you can knock her out. If you don't - she stays awake."
Hannah, [groans] It hurts!
Max, Can't you hurry?
Chase," Trust me, you don't want me to hurry."
Hannah," [groans louder] God, you're killing me!"
Max, [smiles at her] Hold my hand.
Cameron, Keep breathing nice and steady. [pauses] How am I supposed to work with him?
Chase, Maybe.. we shouldn't be talking about this right now?
Cameron, You think I'm overreacting?
Chase, [sighs] Um.. I need you to relax your anus.
Hannah, [continues her moaning and groaning noises]
Max," We're not here. We're skiing. It's Thanksgiving, at Vail."
Hannah, You really want me to think about killing myself on a snowboard?
Max, Come on. You nEver fell.
Hannah, [buries her head in the blankets and makes a loud moan in torment]
Max, You were awesome.
Cameron, Is that what you told him - I'm hysterical and I need to relax my anus?
Chase," I told him... how Many cases do we work up in a year? They're all weird, he could have written up any one of them."
Max, She's bleeding.
Hannah," I can't breathe, I can't breathe."
Chase, Hold on.
Foreman," We packed her nose to control the bleed, and started transfusing two units of whole blood."
Cameron, Pathology from the rectal bleed showed traces of nasal epithelium.
Foreman, So the butt bleed is just a nosebleed.
Cameron, That much blood is not a 'just a' anything.
House, When two people fight this much - you know what it means.
Foreman," It's gotta be a massive sinus hemorrhage, that was draining down her throat and out the back."
Cameron," The question isn't what, it's why."
House," Oh, get a room."
Foreman, Rat poison mixed with some sort of neurogenic toxin can cause bleeding and sleep disturbances.
Cameron," Do you have a specific type of neurogenic toxin in mind, or should we just start running a thousand different tox-screens?"
House, Just pretend I'm not here. I'll be reading.
Foreman, It also could be some kind of coagulopathy.
Cameron," Or it could be us, do you have any idea what it feels like to have a six-foot long hose shoved into your large intestine?"
House, No. But I now have a much greater respect for whichEver basketball player you dated in college.
Cameron, [sighs] We've basically been torturing this girl for the last eight hours.
Foreman," We've been poking her foot, not punParkng her face."
Cameron," Extreme stress can cause high blood pressure, which can cause bleeding."
Foreman, Wouldn't keep her awake for ten days.
House," What if the poison ivy wasn't poison ivy. She got the rash that was diagnosed as poison ivy around the same time the insomnia started. Rash plus nosebleed, plus sleep disturbance equals Wegener's Granulomatosis. Start corticosteroid treatment."
Foreman, The poison ivy treatment was steroids.
House," Much lower dosage. Get her back on the juice, triple the dose. Get a cianga, and an upper airway biopsy to confirm the wegener's."
Mandarin Woman," [speaks in Mandarin to her daughter, whom is standing beside her.]"
Daughter," She has a... menstrual pRoblems. They're really bad, the pain keeps her in bed all day, plus, she's super depressed."
House, [pulls up a chair with his cane] She said 'super depressed'?
Mandarin Woman, [continues to speak in Mandarin]
Daughter, She heard that birth control pills can make her feel better.
House, [sighs] She wants birth control pills for her PMS.
Daughter, I guess.
House," Judging by the redness around your mom's nostrils and the tissue she's got conveniently stashed in her wristband, I'd say her pRoblem is more likely a URI than a PMS."
Daughter, URI?
House, Upper respiratory infection. A cold.
Daughter, I don't think so...
House, I also think she's got a pRoblem with SAC.
Daughter, SAC?
House," [winks at her] Thanks for playing. Stupid American Parkld. If you want the pill, all you have to do is walk into any health clinic in Jersey alone and ask for it."
Daughter, [sighs]
House, What exactly was your plan? [clicks his pen and begins writing a prescription] You were going to exchange the birth control pills for some over the counter decongestants in the hopes that your mom's cold lasts another six years?
Daughter, No.
House, [pulls off the prescription paper and hands it over]
Daughter, That for a cold?
House," No. That's for your ovaries. I assume you haven't had a stroke, have you Ever had a blood clot?"
Daughter, No.
House," Super. In three months when you need a refill, take a bus to a free clinic. Don't wait around hoping for mom to get another sniffle. [stands upright once more, then leans closer to the Mandarin mother] Not the sharpest chopstick in the drawer, is she?"
Mandarin Woman, [happily thanks him in Mandarin]
Cameron, Is this just one of your experiments? You just wanted to see how I'd react to being screwed over by Foreman?
House," [shuts the exam room door] Nice idea, but no. This was just good old-fashioned laziness. I gotta hand it to Foreman though, he knew that you were a suck up and I don't give a crap. He successfully exploited us both."
Cameron," Right. We're both victims. A simple heads up, that's all I needed. You know, between your incredibly witty remarks about anal sex and Cuddy's breasts, you could have tipped me off."
House," Then I'd have Foreman pissed at me. And as annoying as you can be, at least I know you're not going to pop a cap in my ass. Witty, huh?"
Cameron," [sighs, starts to walk away]"
House," You on the other hand, continue to be flabbergasted Every time someone actually acts like a huMan being. Foreman did what he did because it worked out best that way for him. That's what Everyone does."
Cameron, That is not the definition of being huMan. That's the definition of being an ass.
Chase," This will numb you up. [sprays an anesthetic spray at the back of Hannah's throat] And this will keep your tongue out of the way. [places a ] Don't worry, you shouldn't feel anything except for a slight pulling."
Foreman, So you think I was out of line?
Chase, That article was going to sit on House's desk for the next six years.
Foreman, I could have told her.
Chase, You could have written it for her too. She knows House as well as any of us. She should have known she was waiting for him to do something he was nEver going to do.
Hannah, [her eyes begin rapidly moving left to right]
Foreman, [watches her] Chase?
Chase, [also turns his attention to the female] Hannah? Still with us?
Max, What's wrong with her eyes?
Foreman, Looks like REM.
Max, What's that?
Chase, Rapid Eye Movements. It's what your eyes do when you're sleeping.
Max, But she's awake.
Foreman, Hannah. [pause] Hannah can you hear me?
Hannah, [comes out of her daze] Yeah of course.
House, Was she sitting up or lying down?
Chase, Sitting up.
House, Then it wasn't REM.
Cameron, But Chase says her eyes are moving the exact way.
House, Did you start her on the steroids?
Chase," Not yet, we were still doing the---"
House, Then she wasn't sleeping.
Chase, How do you know?
House," Because we haven't done anything yet. She may be able to sleep with her eyes open, but unless you also discover that she's got two extra teats in the hooves of her feet, there's no way she'd be able to retain enough muscle tensity during REM sleep to sit upright. It's a movement disorder. Which rules out Wegener's. Where's Foreman?"
Chase, Keeping her awake.
House, Good.
Chase," Rabies could cause muscle spasms, malaise, anxiety, and wakefulness."
Cameron, I don't think she'd forget being bitten by a crazed animal.
Chase, She could have been exposed to an open wound.
House, Did she have a dog?
Cameron," For less than a week. She had an allergic reaction, so they had to give it away."
Chase, Allergies.
Cameron," Animal allergies seems unlikely, but its possible that---"
House, When?
House, When did she get rid of the dog?
Cameron, About a month ago. Her girlfriend gave it to her for her birthday.
House, Well then it's not allergies. She's just leaving her girlfriend.
Cameron, You... spoke to the dog?
House," If her birthday was a month ago, she would still be on steroids for the poison ivy. And those meds would have suppressed any reaction she might have had to the dog, which means she lied about being allergic. The dog's a commitment. You pretend to be allergic, because you don't want to tell your girlfriend that you're not planning on being around that long. So I think we can move onto options other than allergies."
Chase, We should still do a scratch test. If she's allergic to one thing--
House, She is not allergic.
Cameron," Okay. Well, we could either base the diagnosis on your admittedly keen understanding of lesbian relationships, or, we could do a scratch test."
House, Do a scratch test.
Cameron, You still feeling a lot of blood in your throat?
Hannah," No, it's actually getting a little better."
Cameron, Good. Maybe things are just starting to improve on their own. Just a few more. You want some water to wash out your mouth?
Hannah," No, I'm OK."
Max," Come on, that can't taste good. I'm going to get you a soda. It's OK, isn't it? [Cameron nods. Max leaves.]"
Cameron, You and Max have got a very nice relationship.
Hannah, Yeah.
Cameron, She's very supportive.
Hannah, Uh-huh.
Cameron," When Max got you the dog, did you lie about having an allergic reaction?"
Hannah, No. Why?
Cameron," If you have pre-existing conditions, it's important we know. But, if you don't, it's just as important. If I'm wasting my time doing---"
Hannah," [speaks over the top of her] You're not going to tell her, are you?"
Cameron, It's none of my business.
Hannah," She's a good person. We've just been together so long, I... [pauses] I'm tired of her. Sounds terrible, doesn't it?"
Cameron, I guess it happens sometimes.
Hannah, My back hurts.
Cameron," Hannah, can you turn over?"
Max, [enters] What's wrong?
Cameron, I'm not sure.
Hannah, Oh my god.
Cameron, She has massive internal bleeding.
Chase, Did she have access to aspirin?
Cameron, She'd have to take a hell of a lot.
Chase, Why not? Considering her current mental state.
House, What about her mental state?
Cameron, [sighs] You... were right about her wanting to break up.
House," It just means I was right, doesn't mean she's suicidal."
Chase, A bottle of pills is what landed her here in the first place.
House," Sleeping pills. God knows why she'd want them. What else can cause sleep disorder, and internal bleeding?"
Cameron," Drugs or alcohol can mess with the sleeping, and compromise the liver."
House, What are you doing here? Who's keeping her awake?
Foreman," Doesn't matter. Liver function tests are through the sky. The liver's not compromised, it's dead. She doesn't need a diagnosis, she needs a new liver."
House, She's not getting a new liver unless we can figure out what's wrong with her.
Foreman," Test for cirrhosis, twelve hours. Test for hepatitis, eight, she's not going to last another six."
House, So your advice is we just give up?
Foreman," My advice is that we narrow our focus to conditions that we can diagnose, treat and cure in less than six hours. And there's nothing on that list."
House," The girlfriend donated blood, right?"
Chase, Yeah. So?
House, That means they're the same type.
Cameron, You can't ask the person she's about to dump to donate half her liver!
House," Does seem tacky, doesn't it."
House, I'm Doctor House. I'm in charge of your case.
Max, What's going on? How come no one is keeping her awake any more?
House, You're in acute liver failure. We can continue the transfusions and the lactulose. But it's only a stopgap. There's really nothing we can do to stop the toxins from building up in your bloodstream. Which means that in a few hours you will lapse into a coma. And you won't wake up. I'm sorry.
Max, That's it? You're giving up? You're... not going to try to figure out what's doing this to her?
House," Well Even with the right diagnosis, any treatment is going to take longer than the time she has left."
Max," If it's her liver, can't she get a transplant?"
House, Wouldn't work without a diagnosis. WhatEver killed the first liver will do the same to the second.
Max," But it... but it would give you more time to make the diagnosis, to get her better."
House," Well, it may give us an extra day or two, but, no procurement agency is going to let a liver go to a Patient with an undiagnosed pre-existing---"
Max, Hannah and I have the same blood type. Couldn't I be the donor?
House, It is medically possible for us to take a part of your---
Max," Please, I don't care about the risks!"
House, [To Hannah] You're very lucky to have such a devoted partner.
House," I just bought us 36 hours. Differential diagnosis - which monster eats your liver, screws up your sleep, and causes bleeding?"
Cameron, Does Max know Hannah plans to leave her?
House," Didn't come up, so I guess, no."
Cameron," If she knew, there's no way she'd go through with this."
House," And if you didn't have a pathological need to create a close personal relationship with Every dying person you meet, we would be blissfully ignorant of any ethical dilemmas and might actually be able to concentrate on the differential."
Chase, Scratch test was negative.
Foreman," It's rare, but any of the hepatitis viruses can cause sleep disturbances, and liver failure."
Chase," Nope, PCRs were normal."
Cameron, We have an ethical dilemma.
House, No we don't. Continue.
Chase," What about splenic cancer, or non-Hodgkins lymphoma? She's the right age."
House, It could explain the bleeding. Maybe the liver failure.
Cameron, We're withholding information relevant to her decision to risk her life. How is that not an ethical dilemma?
House, It's not medical information.
Cameron, Who cares?
House, The AMA.
Foreman," Wilson's disease could explain the liver, and neurological symptoms. It also causes bleeding disorders."
Chase, No Kayser-Fleischer rings in her eyes.
House, The rings don't have to be there if there's neurological symptoms.
Cameron, This is immoral.
House," Look, let's say you're right. We tell, she changes her mind, our Patient dies. How is that moral? [pauses] What else?"
Foreman," Poison mushrooms can cause liver failure, sleep disturbances, and internal bleeding."
Chase," She's not shrooming, she's a sports nut."
House, Right. Skiers nEver party.
Cameron," She's doing this out of love, and Max doesn't know---"
House," It's only moral to save a person if they love you? That's kind of a selfish way of looking at life. I like Wilson's disease, like cancer, love mushrooms."
Foreman," Yeah, but we don't have the time to test for any of these. Before she can get the transplant, we need to do about 80 procedures."
House," So do those tests, and my tests at the same time. Use the PET to look for cancer, and Wilson's while you endoscope her bile ducts and scrape her stomach for mushroom spores. One of you CT her liver, While the other two check protein CA125, and CA19.5. Oh yeah, if anyone says anything to Max, they're fired."
Cameron, We have to.
House, We have to not. Because she's not our Patient.
Cameron," She's getting surgery, she's someone's Patient."
House, Need a little help.
Cuddy, Inexplicable rash on a Patient's scrotum you need me to look at?
House, 27 year old female wants to donate half her liver to her dying girlfriend.
Cuddy, That's very generous. This the sleepless girl? What's she got?
House, Liver failure.
Cuddy, I suppose I should have figured that out when you said she needed a new liver.
Cuddy, You don't have a diagnosis.
House, The transplant buys me time.
Cuddy, Let's just skip the part where I say this is insane.
House, It was her idea.
Cuddy," If she wants to be an idiot, it's her call. You don't need me. Have one of your team walk her through the process."
House," The donor and the donee sort of have opposing interests, right? Can't really advise them both."
Cuddy, You're concerned about the ethics of this? What's going on? What do you know?
House, Nothing medically relevant.
Cuddy, But you know something. And it is relevant.
House," If I can't tell her, I can't really tell you, can I? And if you're advising her."
Cuddy, I assume this information is in the medical file.
House, My Patient's confidential file.
Cuddy, This hospital's file.
House," You can either satisfy your curiousity, or remain ignorant, do nothing ethically wrong and my Patient doesn't die in three hours."
Cuddy," These tests and the counseling normally happen over weeks, sometimes months."
Max, It's okay.
Cuddy, The most important part we're skipping is time. Time for you to change your mind.
Max, I don't want to change my mind.
Cuddy," Not now, but with time and perspective, maybe we learn things---"
Max," If we had the time then we'd take the time, but we don't. So can you get this over with?"
Cuddy," Either I sign off on this, or it doesn't happen. So I need you to listen to me. Because there's a chance that you will die on that table."
Max, I just want me and Hannah to be able to lie in bed together. As old ladies. Compare scars.
Cuddy, I need you to lie on your side. And hold your knees.
Cameron," I'm going to check for vascular abnormalities that can prEvent us from doing the transplant. At the same time, I'm also checking for mushroom spores to see if that's the underlying---"
Hannah, I don't do mushrooms.
Cameron," If you lie about your love life, maybe you lie about drugs. Open."
Cameron," Aren't you at all concerned about what Max is going through right now? Shoving a tube up her rectum. Then they're going to swab her stomach just like I'm doing. It's going to hurt just like this hurts, which is nothing at all like the risk she's taking on the table."
Cameron," And you don't love her, do you."
Hannah, I'm not leaving her because I don't----
Cameron," I'm not talking about the leaving, I'm talking about this. If you care for her at all, you won't let her do this blind."
Hannah, You'd really tell?
Cameron, Yeah.
Hannah, You'd die?
Wilson, I take it you've seen that?
House," Seen it, digested it, watched it blow up my entire department."
Wilson, You read Cameron's version?
House, I didn't read either.
Wilson, It was good.
House, Better than Foreman's?
Wilson, Maybe. He was more analytical about the diagnostic procedures. She concentrated more on the ethical dilemmas of informed consent. How any Patient can really be informed without a medical degree.
House, The same old party lines.
Wilson, Foreman should have told her.
House," Ah, shoulda, woulda, coulda."
Wilson," If you allow this sort of thing in your department, you're basically saying it's OK."
House," No, I'm saying that I don't care what they do as long as my life isn't interrupted by pointless conversations like this one."
Wilson," They won't trust each other, and they won't trust you."
House, They shouldn't.
Wilson, Deception like this is just one step removed from actively sabotaging one another. Then what would you do?
House," I could be the kindest gentlest boss in the world, and Foreman still would have done what he did because that's who he is. We can only hope that Cameron has learned something."
Wilson, Right. Because you're all about the teaParkng.
House, Our Parkldren are the future.
Foreman, Hey! Cuddy cleared Max for surgery. She's OK to go.
House, How's our Patient?
Foreman, She's also cleared.
House," I don't care about the prep, what about the diagnostic tests?"
Foreman," It looks negative for Wilson's disease, we'll know for sure in an hour."
Chase," Blood proteins are normal, it's not---"
House, Where's Cameron?
Chase, Taking a sample of the bile duct.
House, Surgery is supposed to start in about 15 minutes.
Chase, She had a chance to get one last---
House, Hannah and Max will be in the same room.
Foreman, You wanted us to do as much as we can before---
House, Both awake. With Cameron.
Cameron, Maybe we should give these two a minute together before the surgery.
Max," You ready, Honey?"
Hannah, Max.
Max, It's okay. I'm right here.
Hannah, I need you to know something.
Max, I know. I love you too.
Hannah, I don't know how to say this...
House, Good lord.
Max, You can tell me anything.
House, She hasn't slept in elEven days. Are you trying to torture her?
House," Ding ding, let's go."
House, I told you---
Cameron, I didn't say a word to Max.
House, This is exactly why you got screwed with Foreman. You're looking for people to do the right thing.
Cameron," She hasn't slept, her judgment's compromised due to inactivity in her pre-frontal cortex."
House," Oh, she could have the best pre-frontal cortex in the history of Mankind, but given the choice of life versus death, those bad bad people are going to choose life."
Cameron," Then why did you sedate her? If she wasn't going to tell, if she was nEver going to do the right thing, why bother knocking her out? [pause] This isn't about them, if she talks, if she does the decent thing, then you don't get to solve your puzzle, your game's over, you lose."
House, Yeah. I want to save her. I'm morally bankrupt.
Cuddy, How's it going?
Cameron, They're about to remove Hannah's liver.
Cuddy, You want to let me in on what the big secret is between these two?
Cameron, Did you read Foreman's article?
Cuddy, It was good.
Cameron, He basically stole it from me.
Cuddy, So?
Cameron, You're on his side?
Cuddy," Sides? No, this isn't dodgeball."
Cameron, What am I supposed to do? Just sit back and take it?
Cuddy," No, write another article. Kick ass until you're sitting behind some big expensive desk and someone from Johns Hopkins calls and says 'We're thinking about hiring Foreman as our head of Neurology'. And you can say whatEver you want."
Cameron, [scoffs] Lovely. REvenge as motive for success.
Cuddy," Ah, it doesn't have to be a motive. But it sure tastes good."
House," Oh! I am so reliEved you two are here. Without you looking at me, they're playing foosball down there."
Cameron, Max's heart stopped.
House, Your Patient is on the other side. Now get yourself upstairs and figure out what Hannah has or Max has risked her life for nothing.
Surgeon, Charging... clear. We're okay.
Chase, Max's cardiac arrest was caused by hypoxia from hypoventilation. They restarted her heart and the right lobe of her liver was successfully transplanted into Hannah.
House," Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted by the liver transplant?"
Foreman, Dopa decarboxylase was processed normally and the ceruloplasmin and copper lEvels were normal. So no Wilson's disease.
Cameron," Gastric content was negative for spores, so no mushroom toxicity."
House, And the initial tests were negative for cancer.
Wilson, Which cancer were you looking for?
House, Any of them.
Cameron," We ran blood tests for ovarian, lung, and lymphomas."
Wilson," Not going to tell you much. Her blood was thick after she was given immuno-suppressants. They fight rejection, they also mess up our ability to get any clear readings."
House, Great battles kick up a lot of dirt. Obscure the battlefields so the generals can't see what's going on.
Wilson," So what are your orders, General House?"
House, Sound the retreat.
Foreman, How are you feeling?
Hannah, [sighs] Is Max OK?
Foreman," She's still unconscious, but her vitals look good. [sighs] We need to stop all the immuno-suppressant drugs which are protecting your new liver."
Hannah," [shakes her head] But if you stop the drugs, I'll die."
Foreman," You're dead anyway if we don't figure out what caused all of this. By removing any outside influences, it will help us see what's really going on with your body."
Hannah," So you did this to buy me a couple of days, and now you're taking them back? [pause] Will it hurt?"
Foreman," As your body begins to go into acute organ rejection, your liver will begin to swell. And that'll put pressure on-- [pauses] Yeah, it'll hurt. But we can knock you out."
Hannah," Mmm. No. If Max wakes up, I want to talk to her."
Foreman, [silently nods his head.]
House, [Opens the door and moves inside.]
Mandarin Woman," [Speaks in Mandarin, using a flustered tone as House enters]"
Daughter," She's been taking the decongestants, but she's not getting better, She.. also says..."
House, What?
Mandarin Woman, [grabs House's hand and places it on her chest.]
Daughter, Her boobs are bigger.
House," [Promptly yanks his hand away. Looks intrigued, then places it back where it was.] Wh... how could you get them mixed up? They come in a little wheel, they don't look anything like decongestants."
Daughter," Oh god, the cashier put them both in the same bag, I thought I gave her the right ones."
Mandarin Woman, [Asks a question in Mandarin]
Daughter, [Slowly responds to her.]
House," No, you gave her the wrong pills."
Daughter, You speak Mandarin?
House," I can count to ten and ask to go to the bathroom and 恭�﹑你快當祖母了。[Gongxi, ni kuai dang zumu le. ""Congratulations, you're going to be a grandmother.""]"
Mandarin Woman, [Looks appalled)
Daughter, I'm not pregnant! We haven't Even done it yet!
Mandarin Woman, [begins speaking to her daughter in a flustered tone] (What did he mean by that?)
Daughter, [quickly argues back to her mother in Mandarin] (I don't know!)
Mandarin Woman," (Look at you, you're lying, your face is already reddening!)"
House," Okay, I'm going to leave you two alone now. I'm sure you've got a lot to talk about."
Cameron," FEver is 106, she's in full rejection mode."
House, Is that supposed to surprise me?
Cameron, Her white count is normal.
House," Normal is not normal. She's been on steroids, transplant team gave her a cocktail of immuno-suppressants, she hasn't slept in over a week. Her white count should be in the tank."
Foreman," Looks like the pRoblem is some sort of infection. PRobably causing hypotension, shock the liver."
Chase, We should start broad spectrum antibiotics.
House," Yeah, you might want to add some Parkcken soup. It's just as useless, but it's got Parkcken. We need to know exactly what kind of infection we're dealing with, what infection causes sleep disturbance, bleeding, movement disorder, organ failure, and abnormally normal white count."
Chase, What about tularemia?
Cameron, Chest was clear. Tularemia doesn't cause movement disorders.
Foreman, It would if she dEveloped meningitis.
Cameron," There is no ulcerations on the skin. [sighs] The bleeding, it looks more like leptospirosis."
House, Without conjunctivitis and elevated creatinine?
ForMan," What about typhoid, or some kind of relapsing fEver?"
Cameron, Makes sense if we were in the Sudan.
House, You sure she hasn't been out of the country?
Cameron, She hasn't Even been out of the state in at least a year and neither has Max.
Foreman, Maybe she lied. You talked to her friends? Neighbors?
Cameron," You don't know? Come on, if you don't stay up to date on my notes, where's your next article going to come from?"
House, You talked to the dog?
Cameron, We're not as up on foreign languages as you are.
House, [scoffs] Has the dog been traveling?
Cameron, It came from a breeder.
House, Where?
Cameron," I don't know. A place called Blue Barrel Kennels. They only had the thing for like, two days."
House, Blue barrel is a kind of cactus. Do you see Many cacti in Jersey?
House," Wanna see a magic trick? [moves his hand in and pinches Hannah's nose, pretending to steal her nose. He then shakes out his hand, feigning surprise as her 'nose' disappears] Oh no, where'd it go, where'd it go? [Raises Hannah's left arm up] Is it here? [searches it momentarily, then places it down again] How about here? [raises her right arm and pulls up her sleEve, rEvealing a large pustule wound] There it is. Oh, it doesn't look anything like a nose."
Cameron, That wasn't there this morning.
House," Give that to the lab, and call the CDC."
Chase, And tell them what?
House, That we have a Patient with the plague.
Chase, The... black plague?
House, [nods] Looks that way.
Cameron," The plague is carried by rodents, not dogs."
House," Where there's dogs, there's fleas. If they hail from the southwest, then those fleas can't tell the difference between prairie dogs and puppy dogs. A small percentage of plague cases present with sleep disturbance. Imagine, an idyllic river of bacteria. Okay, it's not idyllic for her, but it serves my purposes. The steroids and the immuno-suppressants acted like a big hunk of dam across the river. Physics 101, put a dam up in front of a raging river, the river rises. By stopping the immuno-suppressants, we blew up the dam, and a hundred foot wall of bacteria flooded her lymph nodes."
Foreman, We better find out where that dog is now.
House," After you restart the immuno-suppressants, then fill her up to the eyeballs with streptomycin, sulfate gentAmycin, and tetracycline. Use a garden hose if you've got one. Get yourselves some prophylactic treatments as well."
Hannah, I've got the plague?
House," Don't worry, it's treatable. Being a bitch though, nothing we can do about that."
Cameron, You weren't in your room.
Max," The surgeon said I'd heal faster if I walk. Got this far, needed a rest."
Cameron," What you did was crazy, but it was pretty amazing too."
Max, Yeah. I'm a hero. [watches Hannah through the glass from her place across the hallway] She's been planning to leave me.
Cameron, Really?
Max, [nods] She told a friend. The friend let it slip.
Cameron," You knew, and - you gave up half your liver anyway?"
Max, She can't leave me now.
Cameron, You really want her to stay out of guilt - that's not going to make either of you happy.
Max, You don't know that. I love her. I just want her to stay.
Cameron," I don't own House's cases. You had just as much right as I did to write it up. You should have told me, but, I should have handled it better too."
Foreman, [settles back in his chair]
Cameron," If we want this not to get in the way of our friendship, I think we both have to apologize and put it behind us."
Foreman," I like you. Really. We have a good time working together. But ten years from now, we're not going to be hanging out and having dinners. Maybe we'll exchange Christmas cards, say hi, give a hug if we're at the same convention. [sighs] We're not friends. We're colleagues. And I don't have anything to apologize for."
 [Beta Comment, They're singing 'I've got the Joy'.]
Boyd," Do you feel the spirit? [Applause.] And in the 39th year of his reign, Asa was diseased in his feet until the disease was exceedingly great, yet he didn't seek help from the Lord, but from the physicians. Now there is nothing wrong with seeing a doctor, but can a doctor heal through the power that Jesus gave his disciples? Men of science can walk through life with blindfolds nEver knowing that you or I could not take a single step if we were not uplifted by God."
Boyd," Agnes, thank you for letting me be an instrument of God's love for you. [He is silent for a moment, then takes his hand away. She slowly realizes she's able to walk again, he takes her walker away, people in the audience are shocked.] In faith, all things are possible. My friends, I want you to let Agnes feel the wave of faith in this church here today, lifting her into God's hands."
Boyd," Come on, sister. [She starts to walk; 'When Jesus Walks' starts to play.] Praise Jesus! Thank you Lord! [Suddenly in the middle of praising, his hands start clenParkng against his will, we see CGI of his muscles contracting and Boyd suddenly curls in on himself and collapses to the floor in pain. His father runs over to him.][Beta comment: I feel the need to point out that his father is the 'greatest American hero'. And now I've aged myself.]"
Dad, Son!
Boyd," Dad, I think I need a doctor!"
Wilson, [Walking up to him.] Did you remember my DVD player?
House," Well if you wanted it, you shouldn't have left it behind when you moved out."
Wilson," No I get it, it's a drag watParkng porn on VHS."
House, I'll call you as soon as I'm done with it. That's if you Ever get a phone installed.
Wilson," Ohh forget it, I'll come by and get it myself, err after work, Thursday?"
House, Won't be home Thursday.
Wilson," No pRoblem, still have a key; I can let myself in and out."
House," I guess maybe I could bring in it tomorrow. After all, how Many times can you hit pause at the part where Lindsay Lohan wins the spelling bee? What is it about girls who can spell?"
Wilson, It's a math contest.
House, What is it about girls who can count?
Wilson, It's poker night isn't it? [House's guilty look confirms it as the lift dings the fact that it has arrived on the ground floor.] You said weeks ago that I could play. Stop making excuses.
House," Gotta go, building full of sick people. [He walks into the elevator and peeps out.] If I hurry maybe I can avoid them."
Foreman," The abdominal series show no evidence of obstruction, what'd you have to eat?"
Boyd," Parkcken sandwich, we travel - lots of fast food."
Boyd," Thank you, I barely felt it."
Cameron, You're welcome.
Boyd, God told me you were kind.
Cameron, You talk to God?
Dad, God's presence often descends on Boyd to help him guide others.
Foreman, This been going on long?
Dad, Since he was 10.
Boyd, God told me I would meet a Woman... err... healer... who was harboring vengeful thoughts about a Man she works with. [Foreman and Cameron look uncomfortable.] That's God's job.
Cameron, I'll keep that in mind. His urine is dilute.
Dad, What does that mean?
Cameron," Could mean that for some reason his kidneys aren't purifying the way they should, which would let toxins accumulate in his body. We'll run the blood work and see what it tells us."
Boyd," Thank you, I appreciate it."
House, God talks to him?
Chase," It's not psychosis, he's just religious. The only medical issue that showed up on the blood work is low sodium."
House," No, you talk to God you're religious, God talks to you you're psychotic."
Chase, A lot of people experience their religion as something more than symbolic. That doesn't mean--
House, God Ever talked to you when you were in the seminary?
Chase, [Scoffs.] No.
House," God's loss, our gain. He's either psychotic or a scam artist."
Foreman, He was actually err... really impressive.
House," Well yeah, with the burning bush and all, it's quite the show."
Cameron," He was intelligent, polite, dignified, he's not a typical 15-yr-old."
Foreman," And he told Cameron, God wants her to stop being pissed at me over the article."
House, God knows you stole Cameron's article?
Foreman," He knows she's harboring ""vengeful thoughts""."
Cameron, I'm over it.
House, Yeah. I can tell that from the Berlin wall of body language between you. [They are standing about a meter apart.] I'm shocked that he picked up on it. Low sodium - check for Addison's?
Chase, No pigmentation and potassium lEvels are normal.
House, Cirrhosis?
Foreman," Liver feels fine, transaminases are normal."
House, [He sighs.] We should monitor his saline intake to correct the low sodium. No more than one mEq [Beta Comment: mEq = milliequivalent.] per litre per hour. Let's push the Patient history to see if there's any history of drugs or other delusions. I'll take care of it. [He starts to walk out.]
Chase, You're going to talk to a Patient?
House, God talks to him. It'd be arrogant of me to assume that I'm better than God.
House," So, you're a faith healer. Or is that a pejorative? Do you prefer something like divine health Management? [He closes the door and Boyd looks confused.] I thought God might have mentioned that I was coming."
Boyd," I'm ok with faith healer, Doctor House."
House," Oh! That's a nice one, didn't Even go with I see an 'H' and a medical coat."
Boyd, The nurses talk about you a lot.
House," Ah, don't beliEve them. I keep a sock in my pants. Faith - that's another word for ignorance isn't it? NEver understood how people could be so proud of believing in something with no proof at all. Like that's an aParkEvement."
Boyd, God's asking for our trust. You can't love somebody and not trust them.
House, Trust has to be earned; can't trust someone hiding in a closet.
Boyd, You don't trust anyone.
House," You seem lucid, there's no confusion, no lethargy. What drugs have you been taking?"
Boyd," Nothing. Erm... some aspirin, I get focused on something, I forget to eat and next thing you know I've got a hunger headache."
House, So aspirin and hospitals are ok. That's an interesting attitude for someone who's kept any number of people from getting medical help.
Boyd, Just because I beliEve in prayer doesn't mean I don't beliEve in germs and toxins.
House, That bottle's been opened before. You refilled it at the water cooler.
Dad, Yes.
House, How often do you do that?
Dad," Few times an hour, he likes to stay hydrated. You think germs might have gotten in?"
House, I think water might have gotten in.
Wilson, We can adjust your pain meds.
Grace, Again.
Wilson, Suppose we increase your oxycodone.
Grace, We both know the only reason I'm talking lucidly now is because I did not take my full dose this morning. [Wilson crosses his arms over his chest.] You've done your best. And I have been a good soldier; it's time we accept it's over.
Wilson," What about the trip you were talking about taking? You've wanted to see Florence since you were a teenager, right?"
Grace," Yeah, go now all drugged up. It's not exactly the trip I've been dreaming of."
Wilson," Ok, but you're strong. You're dealing with this. And there is the right combination of pain meds out there, and we'll find it. Don't give up on us. [There are rattling noises out on the balcony.] And don't be startled by the sound you're about to hear."
Wilson, Excuse me. I have a friend with boundary issues. [He unlocks the door and then closes it behind him.] Can this wait 5 minutes?
House, Is she dying?
Wilson, Yeah.
House, [House leans to look at her around Wilson.] Before the end of this consult?
Wilson, They could build monuments to your self-centeredness.
House," Patient, 15-yr-old, faith healer, hotline to God."
Wilson, What are his symptoms?
House," He is NOT a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watParkng, listening, deducing--"
Wilson, You're worried about trademark infringement?
House," Then he passes on advice from God so he can watch them jump, it's a power trip."
Wilson, Ah! And there the similarities end. Why is he here?
House, I fear for the huMan race. A teenager claims to be the voice of God and people with advanced degrees are listening.
Wilson," Majority of Americans beliEve in a personal God, what are his symptoms?"
House," Massive cramps, low sodium, turns out he's been drinking water non-stop, God told him to purify his body."
Wilson, Huge water intake would cause low sodium...
House," Which would cause the cramping, yeah I get it."
Wilson, What? That's it? You solved it. You just brought me out here to rant because faith annoys you?
House," Um hmm... he's all better. You know I get it if people were just looking for a way to fill the holes. But they WANT the holes; they wanna live in the holes. And they go nuts when someone else pours dirt in their holes. CLIMB OUT OF YOUR HOLES, PEOPLE!"
Boyd," Go tell it on the mountain, that Jesus Christ is born..."
Chase," Boyd? [People all over are staring.] Are you alright? Boyd! [Boyd quiets down.] Come on, let's go. Can you tell me your name? Do you know where you are? Boyd? Boyd?"
Boyd," God doesn't want you to be afraid, he sent me here to heal you. You think he hasn't heard your prayers but he heard them all, Even the ones you didn't say."
Chase," Sorry, Boyd come on; let's get you back to your room."
Boyd," [He takes Grace's hands in his.] In faith, all things are possible."
Chase, Let's go.
Boyd," Lord, I call on you to reliEve the suffering of your daughter and make her whole again."
Wilson, [Running down the corridor.] Grace?
Wilson," Hey, hey! What are you... what is this? [He takes Boyd's hand away and protectively puts his hands around Grace's shoulders.]"
Chase," He's just had a complex partial seizure, he's disoriented, he doesn't know what he's doing."
Wilson, [Getting angrier.] Well get him back to his room. Now. [To Grace.] Are you ok?
Cameron," Are we certain he Even had a seizure? Him singing and healing, he does it all the time, doesn't he?"
House, Isn't it interesting that religious behavior is so close to being crazy we can't tell them apart?
Chase," The repetition, the lack of affect and awareness, it was a seizure."
Cameron, Infection?
Foreman, No fEver.
Cameron, Could be Wilson's. Or maybe it's a glycogen storage disease.
Foreman, Or a brain tumor.
Chase, Or tuberous sclerosis.
House," Hmm... how to settle this? We could ask our Patient to ask God, or we could MRI his brain. Which way do you want to go? 'cos I'm open to all of them."
Wilson, [Barging in.] House! Why the hell did you let an unstable Patient wander the hallways?
House, His leash broke.
Wilson," The last thing a terminal Patient needs is to hear somebody taunt them with a cure. She was... freaked, she was angry..."
House," And now she's not freaked and angry, and you are."
Wilson, She says she's 'feeling better'. Maybe not singing or dancing but she's feeling just a little bit happy for the first time in months.
House, Sudden drop in pain could create euphoria. You should let her have her vacation. [He takes a vicodin.]
Wilson," Oh, that's great. And when vacation's over, when she crash lands from all this denial, she was dealing with her illness. Now her expectations are rising and you're not the one who has to be there when all that false hope gets yanked out from under her. [He storms out.]"
House, Don't you guys have anything to do? [Ducklings leave.]
Chase, How long have you been healing people?
Boyd, You beliEve that's what I'm doing?
Chase, I'd... like to.
Boyd, But you don't. Why do you always do things you don't want to do? [Chase doesn't answer.] It's okay. I don't expect a real answer. [He lies down in preparation for the MRI maParkne.]
Foreman, God would pRobably want you to take the stick out of your butt and get over this.
Cameron," If there is some higher order running the universe, it's pRobably so different from anything our species can conceive, there's no point in Even thinking about it. But I doubt it gives a damn about my butt."
Foreman," So you beliEve God might exist, but you don't think about it? It's the most important issue-"
Cameron, I think penguins might as well speculate about nuclear physics! Why are we having this conversation?
Foreman, What? I'm curious.
Cameron," You cannot tell someone they're your colleague and not a friend, and then casually chat about the afterlife."
Boyd, [Wandering in.] You actually keep score?
House, Your MRI results aren't done yet; go back to your room. No singing.
Boyd," Well you would get a point for figuring why the low sodium, what are my guy's points for?"
House, Your trick about the spat between Doctor Cameron and Doctor Foreman apparently impressed someone.
Boyd," And the second point? [House doesn't answer.] Do you think it could be because I... healed Grace? She's been back to see me, I like her."
House," You like messing with people. That's why you're here now. Now maybe you think that your batteries are powered by God, maybe you don't. Either way, you enjoy what you do."
Boyd, Yes. I like helping people. I get a rush when I see the look on their faces when they realize their burdens are gone.
House, Hmm... but you make sure you're in the next state by the time the endorphins wear off and the arthritis comes back.
Boyd, That doesn't happen.
House," Oh, you do extensive follow-up studies?"
Boyd, God told me.
House," That's not fair. We were having fun; it's hard to keep sniping rationally when you throw a bomb like that in there. [He walks back into his office, Boyd follows.]"
Boyd, He spoke with me about you too.
House," Forgive my enemies, nEver date a Taurus when Mercury's in retrograde, yeah, I learnt that one myself, the hard way."
Boyd, God says you look for excuses to be alone.
House," See that is exactly the kind of brilliance that sounds deep, but you could say it about any person who doesn't pine for the social approval of Everyone he meets, which you were clEverly able to deduce about me by not being a moron. Next time, tell God to be more specific."
Boyd, God wants you to invite Doctor Wilson to your poker game.
House, Don't talk to my Patient.
Wilson, What are you talking about?
House, You get all huffy when my Patient stumbles into yours in the hallway but you got no qualms about chatting my guy up.
Wilson," This is fun, it's like password. Keep talking; I'll jump in when I get a clue what the hell you're talking about."
House, God knows about my poker game.
Wilson, You think I told him?
House, Either that or I start going to Church Every Sunday. That would mess with my bowling league.
Wilson," House, aside from yelling at him to get back to his room, I have nEver spoken to your Patient."
Chase, MRI shows an abnormal area.
House, Tuberous sclerosis.
Foreman, It's the right neighborhood.
Chase, It accounts for all the symptoms.
House, All of them?
Foreman, Leading cortical tubers identifiable. We can do this surgically.
House, Tell our Patient congratulations. Soon his chats with God will be a thing of the past. [He takes up the whiteboard marker and gives himself another point on the board.] Tie goes to the mortal.
Wilson," Did you know the Catholic Church keeps a doctor at Lourdes; he hears the same thing Every day. But, out of the thousands of cases of people who've claimed to feel better, the Catholic Church has only recognized a handful as miracles."
Grace," But they do recognize a handful. [She looks better, less pale and wan.]"
Wilson," Well, they're a church. It's what they do."
Grace," Look, for the past couple of years, the world's been getting smaller. 8 months, 6 months... [Wilson looks down.] I watch a trailer for a movie and I think, 'am I going to be here when that comes out?' and maybe there is still a horizon out there. You know, maybe I can make plans for a year from now. Two years. I like the view."
Wilson," The view is a lie, and if you beliEve it, you're going to crash so hard. Let me take new images of your liver."
Grace, You can't accept that it could be true.
Wilson," Well if it is true, you shouldn't be afraid of proving it."
Foreman," Tuberous sclerosis is a genetic disorder, causes small benign tumors to grow in various parts of the body. In this case the brain."
Dad, You said benign.
Foreman," They pRobably are but benign or not, they're not in a good location. We need to remove them."
Dad, You're talking brain surgery?
Chase," His symptoms are getting worse which means the tumors are growing. Surgery will correct it all - the chemical imbalance, the seizures, the auditory hallucinations."
Dad, Hallucinations?
Foreman," Without the surgery, it's just going to get worse; might Even be fatal. With the surgery, your son should be a perfectly normal 15-yr-old boy."
Boyd, I'm not normal.
House, I need you to talk to my Patient. [He takes the yoghurt Wilson was going to buy from his hand.] I'll get this one.
Wilson, Why do I have the feeling you're plotting world domination?
House," Moses is refusing surgery. You have a gift, people thank you for telling them they're going to die."
Wilson," If I can get him to agree to surgery, I want in on the poker game."
House, You would let this kid die just to get into a stupid game?
Wilson, You'd let him die just to keep me out?
Wilson, Hi. I'm Doctor Wilson.
Boyd, I knew they'd send somebody else.
House, Think God has a big mouth.
Wilson," House. [House crosses his arms over his chest, leans against the wall, and pouts.] Can I ask why you don't want the tumors removed?"
Boyd, God put them there for a reason.
House, You think God needs a telephone in your head to talk to you? Isn't he Everywhere? It's not a long-distance call.
Boyd," This is the way God does things, through natural law. If he went around doing big flashy miracles all the time, nobody would need faith."
House, How come Everyone else needs faith but you just get the guy screaming his existence in your ear? [Wilson turns around to give him a look.] Your turn.
Wilson, Do you think God wants you to die?
Dad, This is the way that the Lord often is with his chosen ones. He... he gives the most trials to those that he loves the most.
House," How sweet. You abdiCate your authority; avoid those tricky parental issues like whether to let him drive at 16, just let him die at 15."
Wilson," So you... beliEve your son is... umm... a saint? The way I understand it, one of the hallmarks of a saint is humility. Now someone with true humility would consider the possibility that God hadn't chosen him for that kind of honor. Well, he'd consider the possibility that... he just... had an illness. [Boyd and the dad exchange a look.]"
House, You have a gift for Manipulation.
Wilson," I listen, I have an actual conversation with people; which shockingly does raise the odds they'll be co-operative."
House, That's what I'm saying. You read that kid; you Manipulated the hell out of him. [Wilson looks at House expectantly.] Bring pretzels.
House," I know that knock. Use your key, I'm not getting up."
House, Game's not 'til tomorrow night. Those aren't pretzels.
Wilson, I took some images of Grace Palmeri's cancer.
House, Yeah...?
Wilson, [He sighs and hands House one of the scans.] Her tumor's shrunk.
House, [He stops playing and looks at the scan.] Don't tell my Patient.
House," I want all the records on miracle Woman. Every test, Every treatment she's Ever had, Every question she's Ever answered in this hospital. Anything sent for previous doctors. Go back to neo-natal if you have to- [He spots Grace with Boyd in his room. Chase looks like he's trying to sneak away.] Which part of keep them away from each other confused you?"
Chase, They're friends. She thinks he saved her life.
House, Now we have obligingly offered medical proof that his delusions are true.
Cuddy, [Walking up to them.] They've withdrawn permission for the surgery. I put the Lawyers on it. Her tumor shrank?
House, I'm on it. [Cuddy walks off.] Tell Jesus that we need another 24 hours to normalize the sodium lEvels.
Chase, It's already normalized.
House," Actually, tell Joseph. [He spots the dad walking to the room.] Jesus will know you're lying. And I want you and Foreman and Cameron to go over Every line of Every file on that Woman."
Chase, Isn't he the one we're supposed to save?
House, The only way to save him is to prove that she is still dying.
Chase, MRI maParkne checks out.
Foreman, Maybe the radiologist mis-charted which maParkne they used.
Chase," Checked both. This is insane, we're diagnosing a recovery."
Cameron," What about 6 months ago? Maybe there was a malfunction on her ""before"" pictures. Some shadow that made the tumor look bigger than it really was. I'll go see what I can find out. [She walks out.]"
Foreman, Maybe it's a delayed effect from radiation. Sometimes it could take a while.
Chase, She hasn't had radiation for 6 months.
Foreman, Here.
Chase, Nowhere. Her records--
Foreman, There's about a dozen appliances in Every home that give off radiation.
Chase, Dosages that wouldn't hurt a hamster if it was tied to the maParkne for a year.
Foreman, If the maParkne's operating properly.
Chase, Sometimes remissions just happen.
Foreman, [He makes an exasperated noise.] You think House will just shrug and say that if one of us doesn't check the home? [Chase nods and walks out.]
House," Kings on nines. [The other players sigh, he collects his Parkps. Wilson walks in the door with a bag of pretzels.] Wilson! This is err... [He points to each one.] Dry Cleaner, Tax Accountant, Guy from the Bus Stop. This is Wilson."
Dry Cleaner, How come he gets a name?
House, Seniority.
Wilson, Hello. [He's in a McGill sweater.]
House, Find anything?
Chase, Do you have any idea how Many electrical devices give off radiation?
House, All of them.
Chase, I'm going to be here all night.
House," Everybody's a whiner. Be a do-er, not a me-tooer. [To the poker game.] Raise."
Chase, There's at least 4 different types of pain pills here. And an LED device.
Wilson, I'll raise your raise.
House," [The other guys look speculative, House looks wary.] Keep looking. [He disconnects and contemplates his position.] Fold."
Tax Accountant, You were bluffing. He knew you were bluffing. Your luck's changing tonight.
Wilson," So did they find anything? Or are you going to have to accept the fact that Every now and then, remissions happen?"
House, This call had better be worth my time.
Chase, This is what happens when it's not our Patient. We don't know enough.
House, That's why you're there.
Chase, She's got a boyfriend.
House, Unless you think he's radioactive...
Chase, He could show up any minute! The honor of working for you is not worth a felony charge.
House, Give me a minute [He puts the phone on the table to concentrate on the game and tosses some Parkps into the centre.]
GBS, I'm saying the odds of you having a straight flush are pretty low. [He tosses in some Parkps too.]
Chase, House!
Wilson, I'll fold.
Dry Cleaner, Fold.
Tax Accountant, Fold.
GBS," I'm screwed, aren't I?"
House, 9 bucks for a straight flush. [He gives Wilson a look and picks the phone up.] He's not coming home. Relax. [Disconnect.] There's nothing in this universe that can't be explained... Eventually. Take this game. Only 2 people knew that you wanted in on it. I didn't tell him.
Wilson," I told you, I didn't tell him!"
House," Why would you? No, the only person he's been getting all intimate and conversational with is your cancer Parkck. How would she know? [Wilson begins to look nervous.] The subject of my poker game isn't likely to come up in the course of a Patient interview. No, that's the kind of thing you mention to someone you're used to sharing the details of your day with."
Wilson, [Softly.] Don't.
House," Your rabbi, guidance counselor, parent... she's not your mom, is she?"
Wilson, I'm seriously saying don't. [His voice has a very serious warning tone.
House, You've been having sex...
Wilson, So not the place.
House, ... with our miracle Woman.
Dad, Excuse me... may I talk to you?
Cameron, Of course.
Dad," Umm... Boyd's getting dressed, he's ready to check out."
Cameron, He can't check out without your permission.
Foreman, His sodium lEvel still isn't normal.
Dad," I told him, he said that God said it was ok. He was fine. Could you talk to him?"
Wilson, Tell them my name isn't Wilson.
House, Most people in your situation just have their careers to worry about. You've got that and divine retribution.
Wilson, Tell them.
House," Tell me how it happened, I'll tell them whatEver you want."
Wilson, [He sighs.] She'd had a bad day - pain-wise. Her ride didn't show up to take her home.
House, So you offered?
Wilson, Yeah. She didn't have any groceries. She was too sick to go out I... figured I could afford... take a half hour and... pick her up a few things and...
House, Stay and make sure she's ok.
Wilson, Yeah.
House," And nEver leave. You told me you got an apartment, but you moved in with her. You lied to me."
Wilson, Tell them!
House," His name is not Wilson, and he's screwed up worse than I am."
Wilson," Ok, yes, I lied to you. I'm sorry."
House," Half the doctors who specialize in oncology turn into burnt-out cases, but you - you eat neediness."
Wilson," Lucky for you. [He walks out to get his jacket.] Thanks for the game guys, don't think I'll be coming back."
House," You're a functional vampire. Sure, you're heroic, useful to society, but only because it feeds you."
House, There's nothing worth stealing so don't Even look.
House," You don't just have a fetish for needy people, you marry them!"
Wilson, Here we go.
House," You mean it, and then time passes and suddenly they're not so needy anymore. Your fault. You've been there for them too much. They're getting healthy, independent, and that's just ugly. God you must be pissed at God right now for making her all happy."
Wilson, Why are you doing this?
House, Because you're being stupid. [Wilson laughs.] You know what you're risking by sleeping with a Patient!
Wilson," Oh that's crap! You're not mad because I'm risking my job. You're not Even mad because I lied to you, you're mad because I lied to you and you couldn't tell!"
House," Yeah, you got me nailed."
Wilson," Yeah, that's why you didn't want me in your poker game. Because when it comes to being in control, Gregory House leaves our faith healer kid in the dust. And that's why religious belief annoys you. Because if the universe operates by abstract rules, you can learn them and you can protect yourself. If a supreme being exists, he can squash you anytime he wants."
House, He knows where I am.
Wilson, Think it's yours.
House, [He answers.] Yeah. [A pause.] I'll be right there. [He puts down the phone.] Jesus is spiking a fEver. He's delusional.
Wilson, Tuberous sclerosis doesn't cause fEver.
House, I know.
Wilson, I'll drive.
House," Pick any random guy off the street, bring him in here, examine him exhaustively and you'll find at least 3 things wrong with him. This kid has tuberous sclerosis - a mild case."
Cameron, But his tumors are growing.
House," We assumed that the tumors were growing 'cos he's getting sicker, but he could have grown old and died and nEver known about them if he hadn't come here. We were looking for something; it's more or less in the right part of the brain. It's like we found someone standing over a dead body holding a gun. We arrested them, didn't look any further. Well sometimes, people really do just stumble into a murder scene."
Foreman," His fEver's 103 and rising. If we don't do anything, he's going to be chatting with God face-to-face real soon."
House, FEvers don't come from a long-term underlying condition. He's a garden variety religious nut who happens to have an infection. It's lumbar puncture time.
Boyd," No, no, God told me no more of Man's medicine. If we have faith in him, he'll make me well."
Cameron, It's just a test; we just want to find out what's wrong.
Boyd, God knows what's wrong. God will take care of it.
Foreman," [To the dad.] He's delirious and he's a minor. This is your decision, not his."
Boyd, [Muttering.] The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in the field... which when a Man finds he hides! he buys another field!
Foreman," Buy all the land you want, don't blow your brains out! You're watParkng your son kill himself! He's out of his mind with fEver--"
Boyd," Dad! If your faith is weak, I will fail. I need you."
Dad, I'm sorry; you don't Even know what's wrong with him. God knows the answer and I would rather leave it in his hands than yours.
House," Wilson, need you to do your thing."
Wilson, You do know that I don't actually have magical powers.
House, I have faith.
Wilson, Better off trying to slip some antibiotics into a meal...
House, Which antibiotics? We don't know what infection he's got.
Wilson, Go as broad as you can.
House, Forget it; our best hope is your silver tongue.
Wilson, What if it's not an infection?
House, Were you not paying attention when I was doing my murder scene metaphor?
Wilson," What if the tuberous sclerosis IS guilty? It had the guns in its hands, it was standing over the--"
House, It doesn't cause fEver.
Wilson, It causes Everything else. What if the fEver's the innocent bystander? FEver could have been set off by something he picked up anywhere. Could have been a bug he got here.
House, [He suddenly stops.] Or a bug he gave here. He gave it to your Patient. That's why her tumor shrank; the virus went after the cancer first.
House," For 200 years, there've been reports of wild viruses that target tumors. Early 1900's, an Italian medical journal wrote up a Woman with cervical cancer who was injected with a weak strain of rabies, I've no idea why they did that but her tumor shrank."
Wilson, You think he gave her rabies?
House, One of the virus types most prone to go after cancer cells is herpes.
Wilson," Herpes encephalitis. It would fit. Seizure, low sodium, Even the blurred vision and it would mean, if you're right, Grace's cancer is coming back. You're not going to be able to convince them. They don't want any more tests. They don't wanna--"
House, They can't argue with the mark of Cain.
Boyd, I'm not going to change my mind! No more tests! God knows the way.
House," [Walking in.] Ok, let's start with the shirt. [Wilson walks in behind him.]"
Boyd, What are you doing? [He bats House's hands away from taking his shirt off.] What are you doing?
House," I'm on a mission from God. If you won't let me undress you, then strip."
Dad, What's he doing? What's going on?
House, That Woman you helped? You gave her a virus.
Boyd," She's healed, I have a gift!"
House," Gift is jewelry, socks. What you have is herpes encephalitis. The only way you could have transmitted it is by scratParkng one of your own sores and touParkng another person."
Dad," Herpes... that's something you get from sex, right?"
House, Either that or cold sores. Your kid got it from the sex.
Boyd," No, no, no sores [He tries to get off the bed, House pushes him back down.] No, my body's clean, they examined me when I came in! No sores!"
House," Herpes hides. You have an outbreak; it goes away, comes back, goes away. [He pushes Boyd back down once again.] Strip! Maybe you didn't have a sore when you came in but you've got one now."
Boyd, Dad I've nEver Ever--
House, Do you Ever wonder why a perfect Parkld of God should feel so desperate to purify his body that he needed to scarf down a dozen gallons of water a day?
Dad, Boyd... is he right?
Boyd," Dad, no! He's crazy! Help me! Doctor Wilson! Help!"
Wilson," God said no medicine, no procedures. Taking off your clothes doesn't count as either of those. This one's your call."
Dad, Son.
Boyd," Dad, you have to have faith in me."
Dad," I have faith in the Lord. You, I trust; as much as you can trust a teenage boy. Take off your clothes."
House," Relax. A few Hail Mary's, a little acyclovir, he'll be picking up angels again in no time."
House, Come in.
Boyd, [He stands at the door.] My father told me I have to apologize to you.
House, You still hearing voices?
Boyd, [Nods.] You're lucky. You go through life with a certainty that what you're doing is right. I know how comforting that is. Good luck. [He leaves.]
House, You're not going to give me my final point? [He starts taking off the outer shirt over his white t-shirt.]
Chase, You knew it was me?
House, Who else?
House, You don't think God should get a point knocked off?
Chase, The tumor shrank.
House, Because of a virus! [He puts on his black leather jacket.]
Chase," Do you know what the odds are? She had to have the right type of cancer; he had to have the right type of virus, the exposure had to be--"
House, She won the lottery.
Chase," You say won the lottery, he says... miracle."
House," Yeah, the hand of God reached into this kid's pants, made him have sex so he could scratch the rash, stick his fingers into some Woman's face, give her a few extra months. Come on, he's just another liar and Manipulator."
Wilson, [Walking in.] Well nobody's as perfect as you are. It is possible to beliEve in something and still fail to live up to it.
House, So... how's your girlfriend?
Wilson, She got a little extra time out of this. Not a lot.
House, She didn't crash.
Wilson, No. She said she's happier when she beliEves in something bigger than she is.
House, She still beliEves.
Wilson, Faith. She's going to Florence.
House, You're moving out? [They exit the hospital.]
Wilson, Yeah.
House, You moving back in with me?
Wilson, I don't think that's a great idea.
House, But we're ok?
Wilson," [Laughs.] House, you are... as God made you."
Joe," Gosh, guess he got away. [Knows the guy is hiding, because he coughed a little, and bangs on the dumpster with his night stick.] Baby Shoes come out to play? [Laughs] Come on! Hands on your head! Climb out! [Coughs again]"
Baby Shoes, I can't climb out if my hands are on my head.
Joe," [Laughs] Just keep 'em where I can see 'em Man. Ah, ah come on. [Laughs harder]"
Baby Shoes," You high, popo?"
Joe," Yeah, Man. CatParkng morons makes me high! Lift your shirt up by the collar and turn around. [Baby Shoes does that, and shows that he has a gun.] Oh, would you look at that! Dude's got a weapon. [Keeps laughing, and giggling] All right. You have the, uh, right to remain stupid. [Waves his gun around, and is acting a little crazy]"
Baby Shoes, Watch the gun.
Joe, Anything you say will be completely incomprehensible.
Baby Shoes, Seriously Man. Careful!
Joe, Seriously Man? Seriously? Does your mama know what you do?
Chase," Aww, its sweet. Your dad's proud. You made the local paper."
Cameron, With my article. [Very bitter still]
Foreman, Give it a rest! [to Chase] You read what he wrote in the margin?
Chase," [Reads] Our friend Lazarus sleeps, but I go that I may wake him up. [Laughs a little]"
Foreman," Yeah, he's not proud of me, he's proud of Jesus. Everything I do right is God's work; Everything I do wrong is my own damn fault. [Chase puts the paper on the table as House walks in]"
House," Cop with a sense of humor. Differential diagnosis. [Tosses the files out to the team] Guy's in the ER, bleeding on Everybody."
Foreman, Drugs?
Chase, He's a cop.
Foreman, Good point. How about! drugs?
House, Tox screen was clean. He did howEver get hit by a bullet. Just mentioning.
Cameron, He was shot?
House," No, somebody threw it at him."
Chase, I'm thinking trauma. He's got bullet fragments lodged in his brain.
Foreman," According to Baby Shoes, the cop was laughing before he got shot."
Cameron, Baby Shoes?
Foreman, The guy who shot him.
Cameron, Reliable witness.
House," His name's Baby Shoes, how bad can he be? [He motions to Cameron, and she gives him an x-ray and CT scan film that he puts up on the lighted board he just drug in.] The fragments are in the wrong part of the brain to cause euphoria. So let's expand the search, factor in the cough and the cloudy lungs."
Chase, Why are we ignoring the elevated heart rate?
Cameron, Because he's in shock.
Chase, What if the heart was already fast before he got shot?
Foreman, You mean after the footrace?
Chase," He's giddy, indiCates a blockage of oxygen. Carbon monoxide gas would elevate the heart rate, cause coughing and impair neurological function. [All this time House has been examining the films]"
Cameron, He got CO poisoning outdoors? [Very sarcastic]
House," Yeah, all 'cause those bastards didn't ratify Kyoto. Or he got CO indoors, and then moved outdoors before he'd inhaled enough to make him drop dead. Test his arterial blood gas. If his carboxyhemoglobin lEvels are higher then 15% stick him in a hyperbaric chAmber. [Points to Foreman] You go check the cop car for gas leaks."
Foreman," If it was the cop car, his partner would be sick."
House," Well maybe she is, but just doesn't have as good a sense of humor. Also check his personal car, his work, home, I'll check the precinct."
Chase," Blood test confirmed you have low-lEvel carbon monoxide poisoning. We're putting you inside a high-pressure chAmber that [looks at Joe to see that he's still giggling, and play with the various things currently attached to him] psssh, you don't really care do you?"
Cameron, Do you live near a gas supply?
Joe," Um, yeah me!after like a huge enParklada. [Laughs again, and Chase has to cough to keep from giggling himself.]"
Chase," Anything toxic you have at your home? Any uh, paint solvents, anything unhygienic?"
Joe," Uh, no. No I keep a pretty clean home."
Cameron," If you star having trouble breathing, you can press this button, and the chAmber will decompress."
Joe, Like this?
Chase," Not now, if you have trouble!"
Joe," [Keeps pressing the button and laughing] Ah, it's broken."
Chase, [Takes it from him] If you have pRoblems we'll push it for you.
Joe, Ouch!
Cameron, Muscle contracture.
Chase, How bad does it hurt?
Joe," Not at, not at all! [Laughs again, and watches his hand and wrist contract] Looks wild though huh?"
Chase," Your brain's not getting enough oxygen; you're losing motor function. We should start this right away. [Looks to Cameron, and she nods]"
Joe, [Laughs again] Should I be scared?
Cameron," No, you pRobably have a carbon monoxide leak in your place. We have a guy there checking things out."
House, [Bangs a vent with his cane] Sounds ok.
Female cop, How about the gas intake valve?
House, Looks great.
Female cop, It's down in the furnace room.
House, Your system's fine. If you had a carbon monoxide leak half the force would be sick.
Female cop, Then why are you here?
House, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.
House," Yeah. [to the female cop] I've uh, I've got a disability. [Hands the cop lots of tickets]"
Female cop, These are speeding tickets.
House," A lot of emergencies. [She stares at him.] He's feeling better now, but you nEver know."
Female cop, I'll see what we can do.
House, Where does your partner sit?
Foreman, The place is a cesspool. But I don't think I need to test for anything.
House," Nope, waste of time."
Foreman, You know about the marijuana?
House, I've heard rumors since junior high.
Foreman, The cop's acting high because he is high. He's got-
House, Legionnaires' disease. It's a good thing Joe got shot; the whole precinct would have gotten wiped out. Anarchy on the streets-
Foreman, It takes 48 hours to test for Legionnaires'.
House," And only 2 seconds to recognize that the symptoms fit while staring at the rancid, unchanged water of an AC unit."
Foreman," Marijuana explains the high carboxy, the cloudy lungs, and the happiness."
House," Pot doesn't explain the fact that he's gotten worse since he was admitted. Why don't we agree to disagree. Actually, why don't we agree that you'll disagree with me while treating him for Legionnaires'? It's not as pithy, but![he walks off]"
Joe, I feel a lot better. The meds are working.
Foreman," Heart rate's normal, COHb lEvels are down. No fEver. Take some deep breaths. [Joe does]"
Joe, You seem disappointed.
Foreman, Well I'm glad you're feeling better.
Joe, You got a pRoblem with cops?
Foreman, Please don't talk.
Joe, In my experience people who don't just like cops have a reason.
Foreman, I need you not to talk. [Foreman listens to Joe's breathing through a stethoscope.] No rales.
Chase," These clouded areas of the upper lobes, they're the infiltrates we found yesterday."
Joe, Not there anymore?
Chase," They're clearing up. You had Legionnaires', now you don't."
Joe," So you didn't, uh, you didn't find anything at my place?"
Foreman, Nothing medically relevant.
Joe," So there's uh, nothing I need to worry about then."
Foreman," Not this time. [He and Chase give each other looks, and Foreman turns the board with the films over so that the films are not showing.]"
Chase, What'cha doing?
Foreman," Make sure he sees what's involved. What we found was fairly advanced, these cloudy areas here [points to nothing on the back of the maParkne, but Joe nods] and here. These parts of your lungs simply weren't functioning. [Looks at Joe who has not commented on nothing being there.]"
Joe," But they're ok now, right?"
Joe, Everything's ok now.
Joe," I'm fine! [Leans forward, and smacks his head on the maParkne.]"
Foreman, You're blind.
Joe, I bumped into something. That doesn't mean I can't see.
Cameron," I'm sure it's frightening, but you only think you!"
Foreman, What's Dr. Cameron wearing?
Joe," [Looks over Cameron] Dark blue pants, white shirt, black shoes."
Foreman," Oh! Almost, except for the pants, shirt, and shoes. You're blind."
Chase, He really thinks he can see.
Foreman, He can physically see. His brain just can't process it.
House, No chance this is a practical joke?
Foreman, No way. Anton's blindness indiCates damage to both occipital lobes.
Cameron, Must be from the trauma.
House, Bullet fragments just happened to hit the same spot in both lobes? Stroke could cause Anton's blindness and euphoria. Officer Krupke is clotting in his brain. Start heparin to thin the blood. Find the clot and yank it out.
Foreman, The clot would be at the top of the bilateral vertebral arteries.
House," Great! Chase, stick your fingers in there, and grope around until you find it. Oh wait! When you turn him into a vegetable then there's gonna be frivolous lawsuits. You know what would be better? Contrast MRI. Do we have one of those?"
Chase," We can't do an MRI. If the bullet fragment's magnetic, they'll move and rip his brain apart."
House," Well, let's flip a coin. Heads MRI, tails he dies."
Foreman," Police-issued Kevlar vests don't have the ceramic plate insert that would shatter a bullet. They would just catch it. So the bullet shattered on its own, meaning Baby Shoes was using .38 caliber hollow points, which, unfortunately, are ferromagnetic."
House, It's just so cool that you know that!
Cameron, We could do an angio to find the clotting.
House, Waste of time. The skull creates too much artifact. We'll nEver get a decent view.
Chase, Next best thing to an MRI.
House, And a waste of time.
Foreman, An angio might show!
House," OH GOD!it's a coup! Fine go do your angio. When you're done wasting your time, come meet me down in the morgue."
Cameron, We're going to snake a catheter in your femoral artery and up into your brain so we can check for clots.
Foreman," Keep this on throughout the procedure, unless the pot's already made you sterile."
Joe, I have a stressful job. You got no idea.
Foreman," I grew up with cops like you. One part bully, nine parts hypocrite."
Cameron, What is wrong with you?
Foreman, Just having some fun.
Cameron, The Man is sick and scared.
Foreman, The Man is a crooked cop.
Cameron," Maybe you should take yourself off the case, Foreman."
Foreman," You don't have to like someone to be their doctor. [Goes onto the intercom] Hey how you doing there buddy? Just sit still, and we'll have you back out there scaring the crap out of people in no time. [Smiles slightly] Happy?"
House, What did the angio tell us?
Chase, What are you looking for?
House, I called my mom. She didn't pick up. What did the angio tell us?
Cameron, That Foreman should be off this case.
House, He's a neurologist. Unless you think the Patient's optic nerve is in his spleen.
Cameron, He doesn't like cops.
House," [Very sarcastic] Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I Ever get separated shopping!"
Foreman, I was just busting the guy's chops.
House," See! He was just busting the guy's chops. Foreman is essential to solving this case. Medically, what did the angio tell us?"
Chase," There appears to be some clotting, possibly around the Circle of Willis. Based on the progression of symptoms, the clot is growing. We need to cut into-"
House," Saying there appears to be clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam up ahead. Is it a ten-car pileup? Or just a really slow bus in the center lane, and if it is a bus is it a thrombotic bus, or an embolic bus? Think I pushed that metaphor too far. [While he is talking, he is pulling a corpse out of one freezer. He then walks over to the tray on the side.]"
Foreman, Angio can't tell us that kind of information.
House," Oh, so you're saying it was just a waste of time?"
Foreman, It gave us some information without killing him.
House, You don't know that an MRI will kill him!
Foreman, The bullets have a ferrous base!
House, Little tiny pieces trapped in his head. They're not going anywhere! [House puts in ear plugs]
Chase, Maybe it's worth attempting surgery to remove the fragments.
House," Surgeons say inoperable, and the Patient's on blood thinners. Other than that, perfect plan. [Pulls a gun out of a plastic bag]"
Cameron, You got a better plan?
House," Much! [Shoots the corpse in the head, and then looks at the team!Cameron is trying to cover her ears, Chase looks like he's going to run away screaming, and Foreman is grinning] Bullet's identical to the one Baby Shoes popped Joe with. Let's see how magnetic it is."
Attendant, Did anyone hear a![Sees House with the gun]
House," I shot him! He's dead! [Sees that Foreman is still grinning, and looks at him funny]"
Cameron," The bullet split into four fragments, no exit wounds."
House, Only used a half-load of gunpowder.
Cameron, It won't be exactly precise comparing the location on an x-ray to an MRI.
House, How unprofessional was Foreman?
Foreman," Ask him yourself. He's right here. [Very sarcastic, and waves his arms dramatically]"
Cameron," Worse than usual, better than you. He berated Joe for being a bad cop."
House, Berated or humiliated?
Cameron, I'm not sure. I didn't have my thesaurus with me.
House," One implies he took pleasure in it. I want to know if it was repressed black anger, or just giddiness."
Foreman, Whoa! Whoa! You think I'm sick?
House, I think that an appropriate response to watParkng your boss shoot a corpse is not to grin foolishly.
Foreman, The fact that I've grown bored by your insanity is proof of nothing.
House," [Using the intercom] Dr. Foreman, Dr. Chase requests your assistance! [He sees Chase struggling with the body in the background]"
Cuddy, I can't Even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.
House," Well if I'd shot a live person, there's a lot more paperwork."
Cuddy, Then it won't be a pRoblem for you to stand beside the casket at the wake and explain why a cancer Patient has a bullet hole in his head.
House," The Man donated his body to science! Yes, it's a tragedy! If I hadn't shot him, his body could have spent the next year letting first year med students use the carpool lane."
Chase, He's set.
Cuddy," Do not turn that on, House!"
House," You're mad because I put a bullet in his head. At the worst, all I'm doing now is taking it out."
House, My bad.
Chase," [Clears throat] They have to, uh, shut down the magnet to fix it. MRI's gonna be out of commission for at least two weeks."
House, Well it doesn't matter; we obviously can't use it on this Patient.
Cameron," No, but there are other doctors in this hospital, and other Patients."
House, That helps explain how they can afford all the fancy equipment. I'm sure not pulling my weight.
Foreman," Is doing nothing an option? [Looks at all the others] I'm just saying, maybe the clot will break up on its own. The giddiness seems to have gone away."
Chase, The blindness hasn't.
House, Echo his heart.
Cameron, Looking for what? The pRoblem is obviously neurological.
House, Clots are in his brain. The source of the clots may not be. Do a complete transthoracic echocardiogram. Maybe we get lucky. Maybe the clots are coming from his heart.
Chase, Heart's clean.
Cameron, Where else can we look?
Chase," We could ultrasound his legs, look for a DVT. I need you to move over."
Chase," Tachycardia, heart rate 150 and rising."
Chase, Get the saline wide open!
Cameron, He's bleeding out!
Foreman," [Standing off to the side, looking at his nails, and speaking very sarcastically] House wanted to thin his blood, sure did a good job!"
Cameron," BP's crashing, he's going into shock!"
Chase, Intracranial bleeding. We need to reliEve the pressure!
Cameron, We need a surgical team.
Cameron," Foreman, get out!"
Foreman," Boy is he screwed! We clot his blood!he dies. We thin it!he dies! [Very laughingly, not serious at all, keeps laughing] Am I the only one to find this funny?"
Foreman, Oh Man!
Foreman, [Talking to House through the glass] I'm not sick!
House, Did you hear the one about the guy who bled into his brain and had to have a hole drilled into his skull to reliEve the pressure? Hilarious!
Foreman," Someone laughs, they're dying? That's absurd!"
House, But not funny.
Foreman," If I'm not sick, all you're doing is locking me up with the source. I'll get sick prove you right."
House," If you're not sick, it's not contagious and you've got nothing to worry about. If you are sick, the two of you are staying in here until we find out why. So you might want to make friends with the pig. [Foreman laughs] Good news is I can finally get my MRI."
Foreman, No you can't! You blew up the maParkne!
House," Not the portable one, Chuckles. [Foreman stops laughing] Chase and Cameron are bringing it to scan your non-bullet riddled head."
Foreman, Wher! where you going?
House," To the office, got work to do. Eat your meals, take your temperature Every half hour, and any meds I comMand you to take."
Foreman, So I'm just a regular Patient now?
House, No! You get your own thermometer!
House," Check your blood, anyone with an elevated SED rate gets to be Foreman's new roomie."
Cameron, He should be a part of this.
House, He's a Patient.
Cameron, He's not irrational!
House, He's not objective.
Cameron, He's got the most motivation to get this diagnosed.
House," Right. You're not Even friends with him, why would you care? [Looks at the MRI which Chase has put on the light box] There's an area of increased T-2 attenuation is the cingulate cortex."
Chase, Kind of mushy.
House," Cingulate cortex control emotions. This mushy spot explains the euphoria. Question is, what's causing the mush?"
Cameron," Question you might want to ask! a neurologist. Foreman is a selfish jerk, but he's a neurologist, and he's the only one who's been in that apartment."
House," This is why he shouldn't be here. You wouldn't call him a jerk if he was here. If you think he screwed up at that apartment, you'd keep it to yourself."
Cameron, No! I-
House," Well we'll nEver know; as long as he's not here, he's just like any other Patient. Which means we can dump on him all we want. What's eating the selfish jerk's brain?"
Chase," West Nile, or Eastern Equine Encephalitis!"
House," Test Foreman's blood. Given that he's the only one that got it, person to person transmission is less likely then some sort of deadly toxin that Foreman picked up at the guy's home. Who wants to go next?"
House, Whoa! You're ready to sacrifice yourself for a guy that doesn't consider you a friend?
Cameron, He's just a Patient right? It's the job.
House, Hey! You don't have to go anywhere. Joe's apartment is right downstairs in the lab. Foreman brought back samples of Everything.
Chase," What was that, 'Who wants to go next'? Some kind of test?"
House," Don't worry. You made the right call. Foreman stumbled into whatEver it is without knowing, and he's way smarter than you are."
Foreman, Ow! Damn Chase! [giggles] You suck at this!
Chase," Sorry, it's this damn suit."
Foreman," I can do it myself, and I'll throw that out. What'd the MRI show? [Chase doesn't answer] I can't be a part of the differential, and I can't Even know what the differential is? You'd have told any other Patient what you found out."
Chase, [sighs] MRI showed a lesion on your cingulate cortex.
Foreman, What's he thinking?
Chase," Toxins are in the lead, viral's a distant second."
Foreman, You think the lesion could be an abscess?
Chase," It's just a small soft area, more mush than!"
Foreman, Was there inflammation in the lining of the ventricles?
Chase," There was an increased signal there, yeah. [Foreman gets up] What're you thinking?"
Foreman," Staph infection. Toxins lead to neurodegeneration, which causes the lesion."
Chase, Not without a fEver.
Foreman," The cop had a fEver. Mine could be coming; I could've got it directly from him or a dirty dishtowel at his place. Give us Ommaya reservoirs, deliver linezolid directly into our brains, and we're cured. [Smiles at Chase]"
Cameron," Samples tested negative for toluene, arsenic, and lead."
House, What about the blood?
Chase, Negative for West Nile and Eastern Equine.
Cameron," We have to go back to Joe's apartment, get more samples�"
House, No one goes back to that place 'til we know what we are looking for. Get some of that cop tape stick it over the doors and the windows.
Cameron, I'll take all the HAZMAT precautions. The chance of infection is next to nothing.
House," Yeah, I was nEver that great a math, but next to nothing is! higher than nothing, right?"
Cameron, It's not your fault he got sick.
Chase, It would be his fault if we did.
House, We should get a sample directly from Joe's brain
Cameron, We can't do a biopsy. There's too much edema from the bleeding because you gave him heparin.
House, Well I don't think that this is the time to be pointing fingers. [He pauses] I didn't give Foreman any.
Chase, [Stops and looks at House] You wanna give Foreman a brain biopsy?
House," Come on, really, who doesn't?"
Chase, This could be a simple staph infection causing neurodegeneration.
House," Without a fEver, not a chance."
Chase, Joe had a fEver!
House, He also had Legionella.
Chase," The mush might be forming an abscess. And since there was inflammation in the lining of the ventricles, it makes sense. The staph releases toxins, causes neurodegeneration, causes a lesion."
House, This is a waste of time. [He begins to walk to leave the room]
Chase, We should put an Ommaya reservoir in Foreman's brain to start administrating antibi-
House," If I'm gonna be arguing with Foreman, I may as well do it directly. [Turns around and walks out. Chase turns to look at Cameron.]"
Foreman," Kernig's sign negative. Brudzinski's sign, single positive. [Looks over at Joe, who is moaning somewhat uncomfortably] Patient Joe Lureia distal and proximal arm contractures. Duration four seconds."
House," [Hits his cane on the window, gaining Foreman's attention] Staph infection most commonly presents on the skin."
Foreman," [gets up from the bed and looks at House like he's crazy (which not to negate he isn't)] Most...commonly? You wanna treat me like any other Patient, do it. But the House I know nEver uses phrases like 'most commonly'"
House, You're not laughing anymore.
Foreman, No. [Pause] Think that's a!.good thing?
House," [Gives his typical ""House Snark Unsure""� face] Sort of doubt it. Staph would be in your heart, lungs, spleen, liver or kidneys before it gets to your brain. Your organs are clear. It's not staph."
Foreman, The infection could be limited to a brain abscess.
House, Which I would've seen in your MRI [Sets down the cane and pulls out a paper from his jacket] Sign this so that I can take out a piece of your brain. [Puts the paper in the drawer for Foreman to retriEve it]
Foreman, [Gets up and walks over to House near the window] Let me see the MRI.
House, There was no abscess on the image.
Foreman, Let me see it then.
House," [Furrows his eyebrows and smirks] I liked you better when you were jolly. [walks over and gets the MRI, placing it on the window for Foreman to look at it.]"
Foreman, MRI was taken over an hour ago. That soft spot can now be an abscess.
House," If it was staph you would have a fEver, which you don't!"
Foreman, [Walks over to the window and puts the thermometer up to the window] 101.6.
House, [Looks at it quizzically] What idiot gave you that?
Foreman, [pointing the thermometer to House] Put the Ommaya reservoir in my skull and treat me for the staph.
Foreman, Triangle.
Chase, This one?
Foreman, [Looking at flashcards of shapes which Chase is showing him] Uh!Circle.
Chase, Next.
Foreman, [Stalls]
Chase, Foreman why aren't you answering? Is there a pRoblem?
Foreman, [Stutters] Uh!Square.
House, Tell me your date of birth.
Foreman, Is that House?
Chase, Yeah. Next?
Foreman, Square again. Why is he here?
House, Because my neurologist is having surgery!
FoeMan, I thought I was just another Patient.
House, You didn't beliEve that crap did you? [Continues doing the procedure] Date of birth.
Foreman," The Ommaya reservoir is inserted into the parietal lobe. My spatial recognition is the issue, not my memory."
House," Oops! Did you say Ommaya? I could have sworn you said biopsy. Hey, I'm just messing with your head. Mother's maiden name, please."
Foreman," Get out of my temporal lobe, House."
Joe, Hello? You awake? They told me somebody was sick like me.
Foreman, I'm up.
Joe, Your voice. Aren't you my doctor?
Foreman, Not anymore.
Joe, You're the guy who doesn't like cops.
Foreman, [quiet] Yeah.
Joe, Can you see?
Foreman, You can't?
Joe, Not a thing.
Foreman," You've been blind a while. The fact that you're aware of it now, it could be a sign of improvement."
Joe," Ah! [Joe starts crying, clearly in a lot of pain, with shaky breath] It hurts so much, doesn't it?"
Foreman, I'm okay.
Joe, It's gonna hurt. The morphine barely takes the edge off. I'm gonna die aren't I?
Foreman," You die, I die. It's not gonna happen."
Joe, Why not? Are you just too stubborn to die?
Foreman," They took a piece of my brain. WhatEver's wrong with us, they'll find."
Joe, Do you beliEve in prayer?
Foreman," [tears up, his voice gets shaky] Not really."
Joe, Neither do I. My dad always prays.
Foreman, [Whisper] So does mine.
Joe, Do you wanna try it? Try praying?
Foreman, [Nods his head and whispers] Okay.
Wilson, How is he?
House, Still dying. [House continues to play with the ball and doing it with precision]
Wilson," [Sighs, looking at House still playing with the ball.] Well you've mastered another skill though. That's good."
Chase, We have Foreman's biopsy results. Non-specific signs of inflammation
House, That's it?
Chase, His result for staph: Negative. He's not Even a carrier.
House," Well, at least Foreman was wrong, too."
Wilson, Yeah there's that.
Cameron, Can I go to Joe's apartment now?
House, No. Go back to the lab. Start retesting all the samples that Foreman collected.
Chase, For what?
House," Everything. Bacteria, toxins, fungus, anything that likes to feast on brain."
Chase, That's thousands!
House," Then Hurry! Cameron, suit up. You're gonna monitor Foreman. He's on to hand contractures; he'll be on Anton's blindness soon. Run hourly checks because when he does go blind he won't be able to tell us. We'll use the data to construct a timeline so we'll see how far behind Joe he is."
House, Why are you still here?
Wilson, You're being cautious. You're being!common. When you don't give a crap-
House, [turns around angrily and interrupts Wilson] How Many of your guys have caught cancer from their Patients? Let me know when that happens. Then we can have this conversation.
Wilson," It's just another case, huh?"
House," I'll bet you can Even have unprotected sex with your cancer Patients without Even catParkng a damn thing. Boy, I wish I had your job. [Turns around]"
Cameron, [Looking into Foreman's eyes] Biopsy showed nothing.
Foreman, [Watches Cameron turn around] How can it be nothing? You cut out a piece of my brain.
Cameron," It's nothing personal, we just didn't find anything."
Foreman, [Joe is in the background making very loud noises in which he is in excruciating pain] Can you just up his morphine for God's sake?
Cameron," [Sighs a little, still turned around] He's already maxed out. 20 milligrams per hour."
Foreman, What about toxins?
Cameron, Everything was negative.
Foreman, There was a cupboard above the stove. Did you see it? I didn't check all the food!but it could be listeriosis.
Cameron, I didn't go back. [Shines a light in his eye] Follow right.
Foreman, Who did?
Cameron, House said we shouldn't go. Too dangerous.
Foreman, The answer's gotta be in that apartment. Not going is too dangerous!
Cameron, I'm sorry.
Foreman," You're thankful. If House would've pointed at you instead of me, you'd be the one in here."
Cameron, Look straight forward tell me when you can see the light.
Foreman," It's your job to go back, you're a doctor! You go where the disease is!"
Cameron, Say it when you can see the light.
Foreman, [yelling] I'm dying and you're sitting here measuring how fast I go?
Cameron, [Yelling back] Tell me when you can see the light!
Foreman, [Slaps the flashlight out of her hand] My vision is fine!
Cameron, Your left side periphery is reduced!
Foreman, It's fine! I'll prove it! [Bends over and picks up the needle and stabs her with it]
Cameron, Ow! Son of a bitch!
Foreman," Now we're both exposed. You got two choices: you can go tell House what just happened and get your own cot brought in here or you can go back to that apartment!.you save me, the cop, and yourself."
Chase, It's not SSPE. I checked your past vaccinations against Joe's. No batch matches.
Foreman," Does the blood show antibodies for Coxsackievirus? [Joe continues to get louder as he's going through more pain] Guys, could you please shut him up?"
Chase, He's over his limit on morphine.
House, Where's Cameron?
Chase, She said she has some stuff to do. Said she'd be back soon.
Chase, What are you doing?
Chase, [yelling] Foreman!
House, Imagine being constantly reminded of the pain you're about to be in.
Joe," [Begging] I can't take it! Stop it, please stop it. [Foreman consoles him by placing a hand on his shoulder and whispering ""shhh""�]"
Chase," [Hitting the window, yelling] Mainline morphine into his carotid could stop his heart!"
House, So could pain-induced stress cardiomyopathy. Either the morphine kills him or the pain does.
Chase, [Obviously flabbergasted] You're condoning this?
House, I'm certainly not going in there to stop him.
Foreman, I'm gonna make you feel better.
House, Joe has a new symptom: hyperalgesia.
House, The infection is spreading into the pain center of the brain.
Joe," Ow, please stop, ow!Ow!"
Foreman," His brain is telling him that his whole body is in pain. Because of the location, the painkillers do nothing."
House, Suit up. Put the guy in a coma before the pain kills him.
Foreman, What if he used cedar wood to hide the pot smell? Aureobasidium fungus can grow there.
House, Did you find any cedar wood anywhere?
Foreman," No. But maybe..,"
House, Maybe what? [looks at Foreman] Maybe somebody can go back and take a second look? And why aren't you pissed off that Cameron's playing hooky while your life hangs in the balance?
House, [sitting on a chair in the hallway] Why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore?
Cameron, I decided you were wrong.
House," God, you're weak. Guy steals your article, tells you you're not his friend. You still wanna risk your life for him."
Cameron, Foreman broke my skin with a tainted needle.
House, Wow.
Cameron, Yeah.
House," God, you're weak. [Cameron rolls her eyes] Guy tried to kill you. First thing on my list of things do would be to stab him back. Shoot him. I've got a gun in my desk. Last thing on my list would be to lie to my boss about it and give the bastard Everything he wanted."
Cameron, I'm not here for Foreman; I'm here to save myself.
House," Ehh!.[bounces head back and forth] Even with a needle stick, your chances of infection are pretty slim. That's why you're wearing the suit. You wanted to be here. He just gave you the excuse. What does that guy have to do to make you hate him?"
House, Give me the bag. [grabs something out] Mildewed dishtowel.
Cameron, To retest for staph.
House," What is that, mouse droppings?"
Cameron, Hamster droppings. Could carry Toxocara. Explain the blindness.
House, Now that I recognize as oven crud.
Cameron, Could be meat with TriParknella. Would explain the high fEver.
House, What's with rye bread?
Cameron, Mold could be responsible for ergot poisoning which would explain the contractures.
House, Three loaves.
Cameron, So?
House," [goes silent for a moment, thinking] You're going back in there."
House, [talking to Cameron] Guy who lives on takeout pizza does not buy three loaves of rye. That's looking too far into the future unless he cares about something a lot more than his diet.
House, You on the roof yet?
Cameron," Yeah, I'm here. I don't see any birds."
House, Whistle or something. [Cut to House looking outside] Do that come hither thing.
Cameron, Whoa.
House," They came that fast because it's their behavior pattern. Joe's been feeding them. Now look down, you see a river of pigeon turd?"
Cameron, Uhhh... no. There's barely any.
House," It's not weird, it's cheap. Joe's the guy who looks for the easy way."
House, PRobably been stealing cable from his neighbors. Why not steal fertilizer from rats with wings? You see a shovel or a dustpan?
Cameron, Found a scraper; it looks used. Sitting on a bucket.
House, Bucket full of pigeon crap. Perfect home for Cryptococcus neoforMans.
Cameron, [opening the bucket] Yup.
House," Fungus enters the brain through the sphenoidal sinus, where it dances its triple threat of happiness, blindness and intractable pain. Let's hope this experience teaches our cop a lesson: don't cut corners when you're growing your pot. See you back home."
Foreman, I was there. I should've found it.
Chase, Yeah!you could've saved us a lot of time.
Foreman, Give me a flush of ampho B and fLucytosine. I'll start us both.
Chase," I was waiting for the lab confirmation, I haven't heard from House yet."
Foreman, Look at his EEG. Beta bands have been increasing steadily since we put him under. Guy's unconscious but still in pain.
Chase, Beta bands could indiCate at least half a dozen different things.
Foreman, [wincing in pain] One of which is pain. The fact that he's no longer screaming makes us feel better. Not necessarily him.
Foreman, Chase! How's Cameron?
Chase, She's not giddy.
Chase, FEver's down. White count's improving.
Foreman, Has she said anything to you?
Chase," You mean like, 'I can plainly understand why Foreman did what he did and I hold no grudge?'"
Foreman," What I did, did save my life."
Foreman," Get in here and help, forget the suit! He's tachycardic. Wide complex. Looks like V-tach."
Cameron, It's not Cryptococcus
Foreman, What?
Cameron, House was wrong. The samples were negative [begins to run again]
Foreman, So what is it?
Cameron, We don't know!
Chase, Give him the amio
Foreman, We have any more leads?
Cameron, Nope. That was our lead.
Cameron, Foreman!
Foreman, This treatment isn't doing anything!
Cameron, Foreman!
Cameron, He's in V-fib!
Chase, No good! Hit him again!
Foreman," Come on Man!come on, Joe"
Cameron, Hit him again!
Chase, Give him an amp of epi!
Foreman, Nothing! [He begins to do CPR on Joe]
Cameron, He has multiple system failure.
Chase, Foreman.
House, Foreman. Foreman! Time of death.
Foreman, No. [continues]
House, Time of death. 12:26 p.m.
[Previously on House," (Transcriber note ""� obviously, this is not all one scene!)"
Babyshoes," You high, Popo? [shoots Joe, who goes down laughing]"
House," Cop with a sense of humor. You [pointing at Foreman] check the cop car. Also check his personal car, work, home!. [Shot of Joe screaming, Foreman laughing.]"
Cameron," Foreman, get out!"
Foreman, Am I the only one who finds this funny?
Cameron, You stole my article!
Foreman, I wouldn't do that. / We're not friends. We're colleagues. [Cut to Foreman poking Cameron with the contaminated needle.]
Cameron, Ow! Son of a bitch!
Foreman, Now we're both exposed.
Joe," I'm going to die, aren't I?"
Foreman," You die, I die. It's not gonna happen."
House," Time of death, 12:26 PM.]"
House, I need a bone saw.
Cuddy, I'm sorry.
House, You said you would --
Cuddy, I wish I could
House," I just want a little tiny slice of this guy's brain, that's all I need, just enough to tell me what's killing Foreman."
Cuddy, A thin slice of Joe's brain could also cause a public health crisis.
House," It's not a good idea to scream ""fire""� Every time someone lights a match."
Cuddy," Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates the situation to a biosafety lEvel 3."
House, [shivering] Oooh. LEvel 3. We should call Jack Bauer.
Cuddy, I called the CDC.
House," Well, tell them we'll be really, really careful."
Cuddy," We don't have the proper equipment for you to be really, really careful! You can do whatEver you want to Foreman but the CDC will do this autopsy."
House," WhatEver. The point is, we'll be lucky to get results in three days."
Cuddy," I told them how urgent this is ""�"
House, -- and they told you!
Cuddy, We'll have the results in! three days.
House," Ah, that's a shame, because Foreman will nEver get a chance to know what it was, because he'll be dead in 36 hours. Maybe this is a toxin; maybe it's not contagious at all. You're killing Foreman because of a ""maybe.""�"
Cuddy," Well, you have 36 hours to figure out which one it is."
House," Foreman, c'mere, fast. [He sends a hammer and pick through the window.]"
Foreman, What's going on? When are they doing the autopsy?
House, You're doing it. Now. Ever study how they used to do ice-pick lobotomies?
Foreman," Read about it in med school. Why would I ""�"
House," Shove an ice-pick into the eye socket just above the tear duct. Bang it a couple of times with the hammer, get a sample."
Foreman," What's going on, House?"
Cuddy," [walking up to House] Foreman, you can't do it! You'd be in violation of ""�"
House, Can't do the time if you're not alive.
Cuddy," [to a nurse] You ""� I need you to suit up. Get that equipment away from Dr. Foreman. [Foreman grabs the tools.]"
House," Take your time, guys! Just tell them to go slow; it won't be your fault."
Cuddy," Foreman, we don't Even know what kind of contagion we're dealing with."
House, Which is why we need to chop into the guy's head.
Cuddy, It's dangerous!
House," Not to you, Foreman."
Cuddy, There are other ways to diagnose you.
House," Yeah? You have the answer? [He sees the guys almost suited up.] Foreman, do it now!"
Cuddy," I am warning you, do not ""� [Foreman starts to Parkp away ""� at the bed.]"
House, What are you doing?
Foreman, That didn't feel right.
Cuddy, He's blind.
House," He thinks he can see, same as the cop."
Foreman, We need something to bag the sample.
House, Forget it. You just biopsied a mattress.
Foreman," No, no, I'm fine! House, there's the sample, test it! You've gotta test that sample!"
House," Apparently I was optimistic about the 36 hours. Intractable, unbearable pain is up next. Sure you don't want to reconsider that whole autopsy thing?"
Chase," Physically, his eyes are fine. The pRoblem's isolated to his brain. Damage to the occipital lobe which extends from the primary visual cortex to the ""�"
Cameron, We should retest him for bacterial meningitis.
House," If it was meningitis, we'd all be sick."
Cameron," His CSF might show signs of ""�"
House," LP's pointless. We already did a brain biopsy, it was negative. [Quick shot of said biopsy.]"
Chase, Toxic mold.
Cameron," If it was toxic mold, I'd be sick."
House, How do we know you're not sick?
Cameron, Do I seem happy to you?
House, NEver. [Chase guffaws.]
Chase, It was funny.
House," Well, let's assume it's not blood-borne. If you start cracking jokes we can reassess. In the meantime, stay away from people and animals that you care about. [Quick shot of Foreman's empty chair.]"
Cameron, Guillain-Barre.
Chase, Neither of them had any sort of paralysis.
Cameron, Joe could have died before the paralysis had a chance to present.
Chase, What about arbovirus?
House, Start treatment.
Cameron," For arbovirus? You think our Jersey-beat cop has spent a lot of time exploring deep, dark Africa?"
House," Treatment for Everything ""� likely or unlikely. If you can think of it, treat for it."
Chase, Mixing that Many meds will create all sorts of toxic interactions.
Cameron," We'll box his liver, trash his kidneys! there's got to be a better way."
House," Of course there's a better way! It's that body sitting in the room with him that Cuddy won't let us touch! Bacterials, virals, toxins, fungals, parasites ""� it's got to be one of them."
Cameron, Where are you going?
House, To see if I can find another brain to biopsy.
Chase," They're gonna lock Joe up downstairs until the CDC gets here. [since Foreman is staring in Joe's direction] Foreman, you can't see."
Foreman, Right.
Chase, House wants to start you on some meds. They're in the airlock.
Foreman, For what?
Chase, Leading candidate is toxic mold.
Foreman, Is Cameron sick?
Cameron, I'm fine. Thanks for asking.
Foreman," [feeling the pills] You're casting the net a little wider than toxic mold, aren't you?"
Cameron, Guillain-Barre's also on the table.
Foreman," There's an oval shape, that's either an L or a 7, I'm guessing an L ""� levofloxacin, can't rule out bacteria. 800 -- that's the dosage for acyclovir in case it's viral. Square, no, more like a rhombus ""� that's fluconazole for fungus! there's about eight others here; you're treating me for Everything! You've got no idea what I've got!"
Chase, House thinks this is the best course of action.
Foreman, House is desperate. House is nEver desperate!
Cameron, Something we give you will work.
Foreman," Yeah, we should start treating all Patients this way. When they get sick they just take Everything."
Chase, It's better than doing nothing. [Foreman swallows all the pills.]
Foreman, Hello?
House, [in a hazmat suit on a hands-free phone] I'm at the cop's place. You have to retrace your steps.
Foreman," You don't think the ""treat him for Everything""� approach is enough?"
House, [taking out Steve] Where did you start your search?
Foreman, The kitchen.
House," You're going to tell me Everything you did, Everything you touched. If you went to the john I want to know when and why."
Foreman," I started with samples from the mold in his sink. [House lets Steve walk around in the sink, sniff the counter, the fridge, the toilet, etc. We next see House and Steve up in the cop's garden.]"
House, What next?
Foreman, That's it. Then I left. What do we do now?
House, Wait for Steve McQueen to get giddy.
Foreman," Excellent plan. [Foreman hangs up, and is obviously in pain. He dials another number.] Hey, Dad. It's Eric. I'm not doing too good."
Wilson, How's Foreman? [looks at House's laptop] You're accessing a webcam?
House," Cuddy's shower. Are you a fan of the Brazilian? I, hmm!"
Wilson, Is that your kitchen?
House," Well, obviously I couldn't bring him here. He's been exposed to whatEver Foreman's got."
Wilson, You infected Steve?! Why didn't you just get a rat from the pet store?
House, Because I needed one with a clean medical history. Who knows what kind of antibiotics they gave those rats.
Wilson," So this is your plan, just sit here and watch your rat all day?"
House," Eh, it shouldn't take long. Got the AC blasting, I soaked the floor of his cage!. [Wilson looks fairly disgusted.] As soon as he gets sick, I do an autopsy."
Wilson, As soon as he's dead.
House," Right after he gets sick, there's a good chance he'll get hit in the head with a cane-shaped object."
Wilson, Normally you just use your Patients as lab rats. It's a nice change. [pulls up a chair]
House, First symptom is euphoria.
Wilson, How do you know if a rat's euphoric?
House," He doesn't usually climb on his water bottle like that, does he?"
Mother, The seizures only seem to happen when she's in her car seat. She starts to rock and grunt.
House, She responsive?
Mother," No, no, it's like she's in a zone. And her abdominal muscles become dystonic."
House, Big word. Someone's been on the interweb.
Mother," I looked up a few articles on epilepsy. You know, there's actually some really great youth soccer leagues that would Cater specifically to her special needs, and I think it might explain why she's been having a hard time in pre-school."
House," Well, let's confirm your diagnosis before you have her held back. StRobing lights and high pitched sounds can provoke a seizure. [quickly moving a penlight in front of her eyes] Woooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Girl, You're a goof!
House," Takes one to know one, loser! Wait, that means I'm a loser. Scratch that. These episodes, she gets sweaty afterwards?"
Mother, Soaking wet.
House, She seem upset by them or just tired?
Mother," No, she kind of thinks it's funny."
House," You mix rocking, grunting, sweating, and dystonia with concerned parents and you get an amateur diagnosis of epilepsy. In actuality, all your little girl is doing is saying ""yoo hoo""� to the hoo-hoo."
Mother, She's what?
House, MarParkng the penguin. Ya-ya-ing the sisterhood. Finding Nemo. [The little girl thinks all of these euphemisms are hilarious.]
Girl, That was funny.
House," It's called gratification disorder. Sort of a misnomer ""� if one was unable to gratify oneself!that would be a disorder."
Mother, [covering the girl's ears] Are you saying she's masturbating?
House," I was trying to be discreet ""� there's a Parkld in the room!"
Mother, This is horrifying.
House, Epilepsy is horrifying. Teach your girl about privacy and she'll be fine. [hands the girl a lollipop] Here you go.
Girl, Thank you. [House gives her a high-five.]
Cuddy, One afternoon and you're on pace to set the record for most Patients seen in a month.
House," You're upset that I'm doing clinic hours? Wow, that is so like rain on your wedding day."
Cuddy," For the past three hours, I've been on the phone with the CDC while you are wai ""�"
House," Yeah, how's that going, by the way?"
Cuddy," They promised to expedite ""�"
House, Tough to do an autopsy when they haven't Even picked up the body.
Cuddy," It's tough to treat your Patient when you're not Even on the same floor. Go, clinic is covered."
House," I go watch the meds drip into his IV, you think that'll make the treatment work faster?"
Cuddy," Go to your office, play with your ball, write on your whiteboard, insult your team, do whatEver it is you do to figure things out."
House," Feeling guilty? It's not too late to change your mind. Go call the CDC, tell them you were just joshin'."
Cuddy, Keep avoiding Foreman's case until he dies. Then I'll drown in guilt.
Cameron, Feeling any better?
Foreman, How are you doing?
Cameron, I'm not the Patient.
Foreman, Is your sed rate elevated?
Cameron, No. So far it looks like I lucked out.
Foreman, Cameron. Looks like you left a tourniquet on the bed.
Cameron, You can see again?
Foreman, Treatment's working.
House," The question is, which treatment?"
Cameron," We'll start weaning him off, one at a time. Which one do we start with?"
House," I don't care if you do it alphabetically. Just stay on top of his vision ""� first sign of regression means we've taken him off the wrong one. [Chase enters.]"
Chase, Latest bloodwork. Foreman's Amylase and lipase lEvels are three times normal.
Cameron, Pancreas is failing.
Chase, Toxic side effect of his meds.
House, Philosophical question: how do you want to die?
Foreman, Old age.
House," Your choice is currently between four hours from now and fourteen hours from now, so I'm assuming that means you want the latter."
Foreman, The cocktail's working. My vision's almost completely restored.
House, The meds are curing what's in your head but they're trashing your pancreas. That's why you're puking and you can't stand up without screaming.
Foreman," So lower the dosages. Less stress on my pancreas, still battle the infection."
Chase," Lower dosages would still be toxic ""�"
Foreman, I don't care! I can handle the pain of the pancreatitis.
House," Think you can handle a life without a pancreas? We keep you on these meds, you'll spend the last four hours of your life being able to see. Take you off, you'll go blind again, but it'll give us time to figure out what's eating your brain."
Foreman, Fine. What do we do next?
Offstage male, Eric?
Foreman," Dad? [And so it is ""� Foreman's father will from hereon be named ""Rodney""� in the transcript.]"
House," Yeah, you two can get caught up later. Sir, I need you to come with me."
Cuddy," House! Uh, what is this?"
House," He's not a what, he's a who. They Even have the right to vote now. Rodney Foreman, Cuddy. Cuddy, Rodney Foreman. [Cuddy and Rodney shake hands.]"
Rodney," Nice to meet you, ma'am."
House, This is Foreman's dad.
Cuddy," Yeah, I got that."
House," Dr. Cuddy here is the Dean of Medicine. Remember that cool autopsy I was telling you about, the one that would save your son's life ""� she's the one who can give us the green light to do it."
Rodney, I understand you don't want them to do it? Dr. House didn't seem to know why.
Cuddy," Mr. Foreman, I am doing Everything I can to get the CDC ""�"
House, Won't be soon enough.
Cuddy," -- and my decision to follow public health safety protocols ""�"
House," Oh, don't blame the rules. Don't hang this on policy and protocol."
Cuddy," I'm well aware that it may cost your son his life, just as I am well aware that my decision has a devastating effect on family and friends without having them paraded in front of me. Your son has an unknown, contagious, deadly infection. If we don't contain it here, Even more people could be at risk, and I am capable of empathizing with those people, too, without having them paraded in front of me."
Rodney, I understand.
Rodney, What's wrong with your hand?
Foreman, It's called a muscle contracture.
Rodney, I thought this thing was in your brain.
Foreman," It is. It just means that the infection has moved to the primary motor cortex, which controls the muscles. Aren't you glad you sent me to med school?"
Rodney, Does it hurt?
Foreman, No.
Rodney, Is it gonna?
Foreman," It ""� the other guy, he didn't seem to suffer too much, he, he just went into sleep."
Wilson," Steve's still acting normal, no sign of contractures."
House," They've got the cop's body in a locked, airtight bag."
Wilson, And a guard on the door. Those feds are seriously paranoid.
House," He hasn't gotten up to pee in hours, he's due."
Wilson," You haven't sprinkled Senokot granules on his donut, his bowels would open up like the Red Sea."
House, He wouldn't eat the donut.
Wilson, Have you seriously been down here for hours?
House, No. I had to pee a couple times.
Wilson, You've got to stop blaming Cuddy for this.
House," Given that it is her fault, it seems appropriate."
Wilson," That part is her fault. The part where somebody wasted his time in a basement plotting the overthrow of a government agency, that one's on you."
House, The only thing I can do is think. You can pretty much do that anywhere. As long as no one's bugging me.
Rodney, Did you call your brother?
Foreman, No. Did you?
Rodney, No.
Foreman," It's not a big deal. I sure would like to see Mom, though."
Rodney, You know she can't travel anymore.
Foreman, [near tears] You tell her?
Rodney," Why? Just upset her for a while, then she wouldn't remember for a while."
Foreman, But she should know.
Rodney, She's lost a lot of who she was. She can't deal with something like this.
Foreman, And you can?
Rodney, I still know you're going to a better place.
Foreman," It's easy for you, isn't it? As long as you beliEve I'm going to a better place, dying ain't so bad."
Rodney, I don't want you to be afraid.
Foreman," If I'm not afraid to die, then what the hell should I be afraid of, Dad?"
Rodney, I thought you beliEved.
Foreman, I did. Not so sure anymore.
Rodney," I'm going to pray for you, son. I suggest you do the same."
Chase," Field of vision is regressing, and he's reached an eight on the pain scale."
Cameron, The disease pattern is following the exact course as Joe's.
Chase, Only it's moving much faster in Foreman.
House," Good! It's an anomaly, anomalies tell us things. Why would this go faster in Foreman, what's different?"
Cameron, Could be a different strain of the same disease?
House," Right! We were wasting all this time looking for an unknown disease, we should be looking for a different strain of an unknown disease!"
Chase," Joe's a cop. He's into physical fitness, he could have had a more powerful immune system, stronger metabolism!."
Cameron, Foreman's black.
House, What? How long have you been sitting on this information?
Cameron," Lupus, gout, glaucoma, osteoarthritis, hypertension, diabetes, stop me any time ""� they all affect black people more than whites."
House," Check Everything. Bacterials, fungals, toxins, parasites ""� look for anything with a documented racial disparity. [House looks at Steve's webcam.] Wait."
Cameron, The rat's showing symptoms?
House, No. He's completely healthy. Maybe that's the difference between Foreman and the cop.
Cuddy, How're you feeling?
Foreman, Why're you here?
Cuddy, Because you're a friend. And I should be here.
Foreman, I'm sorry House used my dad to try to Manipulate you. You've got integrity; you're not going to change your mind just because you're confronted by my father.
Cuddy, Thank you.
Foreman, Just like I'm not going to forgive you just because you're gonna come by here and ask me how I'm feeling.
Cuddy, You know I've had no choice.
Foreman, Of course you've had a choice!
Cuddy, Regulations are clear.
Foreman," And the punishment for violating those regulations?! Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension, hell, you can spend a couple of years in jail if it saves my life! [House comes by.]"
House, You're dying too fast.
Foreman, Couldn't agree more.
House," Hey, Cuddy. Having a nice visit?"
Cuddy, What's that?
House," [tries to speak with a vial in his mouth] Legion ""� [takes the vial out] Legionella pneumophila."
Cuddy, And why are you carrying a vial of it around with you?
House," Foreman was perfectly healthy before he got this infection. Our cop wasn't, he had Legionnaire's Disease. Our cop didn't turn into brain food until we cured the legionella. Legionella slowed down the disease."
Foreman, Why would that happen?
House, No idea. Just know that it did.
Cuddy, So you want to infect Foreman?
House, You gonna tattle to the CDC?
Foreman," The meds can't help me but a disease can? Forget it, just take the pain away and put me under!"
House, If I put you under I can't monitor your pain. If I can't monitor your pain I can't tell if the legionella's working.
Foreman," I'm not consenting to you giving me ""� [House drops in the vial, which shatters on the floor.] What was that?"
House," Hmmm, wish there could have been a puff of smoke or something. Would have been much more dramatic. Keep your slippers on, wouldn't want you to cut your foot."
Cameron, Are you feeling any better?
Foreman," I can't breathe, I'm dizzy, and I can barely hear anything over the sounds of my lungs crackling."
Cameron, That's the legionella.
Foreman, Oh. You figure that out from the symptoms or from the vial House tossed into my room?
Cameron, I'm trying to be professional here. There's no reason to be nasty.
Foreman, I'm in pain.
Cameron, So is House.
Foreman, And he's a delight!
Cameron, He doesn't try to kill his colleagues. [The thermometer in Foreman's mouth beeps.] You can remove the thermometer now. It's down almost a whole degree! How's the pain?
Foreman, Great. [coughing] It's the good kind.
Cameron, How bad is it compared to an hour ago?
Foreman, No worse.
Wilson, The legionella helping?
House, Yeah.
Wilson, Good.
House," But not great. It didn't fix anything, it just slowed it down. The whole point was to give Steve a little more time to get sick."
Wilson, What are you going to do if he nEver gets sick?
House, Brilliant.
House," Cameron, what kind of illnesses affect huMans but not rats?"
Cameron, Why are you asking me that?
House, Because I'm sure you spent the first twelve years of your life dreaming of being a vet. The rat is not getting sick. Cameron is not getting sick.
Cameron, Sorry.
House, It's okay. It's not your fault. Presumably you're still healthy because whatEver it is is not blood borne. Steve has no excuse; he did Everything that Foreman did.
Chase, Some bacterial infections don't affect rats.
Cameron, Foreman tested negative for Every bacterial infection that would affect his brain.
House," And what infections could he be positive for but test negative for? When we test for infections, we look for antibodies. [Cue the CGI graphics!] Now, what if the Patient is infected, but has no antibodies ""� what if the body is not fighting the infection?"
Cameron," Why would ""�"
House," Neh, eh, I asked first. Let's start with the 'what', we'll deal with the 'why' later."
Chase, If the body doesn't recognize the infection our tests come back negative and the disease rampages through the body unstopped.
House," Exactly like the cop and exactly like Foreman. And what if the Patient was then exposed to a second infection, like legionella? The body would recognize that infection, increase the white count, send in the troops to start fighting, and the initial infection would get caught in the crossfire. So the question becomes, what type of bacterial infection affects huMans and not rats, and the huMan body would be unlikely to recognize."
House," The answer is listeria. I'm starting you on amp and gent. [Transcriber's note: that's ampicillin and gentamicin, two antibiotics.]"
Foreman, So you're basing this theory on the tests being negative and your rat being healthy?
House, And the fact that Legionnaire's is helping you.
Foreman, But the medicine you wanna give me will put an end to that.
House, Yeah.
Foreman, And if it's not listeria all the gent will do is cure the Legionnaire's Disease and put whatEver is killing me back into overdrive.
House, Stop asking me questions based on the premise that I'm wrong. The antibiotics are in the airlock.
Foreman, I think the first biopsy didn't give us the answer because you didn't go deep enough. I want you to do a white matter brain biopsy.
House, Absolutely. Don't blame you. The world is such a compliCated place if you've got higher reasoning skills. I'm often jealous of smaller animals and retarded Parkldren. Take the antibiotics.
Foreman, There can be minimal damage if it's done right. If the surgeons drill where I tell them to drill.
House," One slip, you could spend the rest of your life not being able to keep your drool in your mouth."
Foreman, I'd rather be disabled than dead.
House," Sure, I make it look oh-so-sexy. It's actually not as glamorous as you may think."
Foreman, The biopsy will tell us for sure what's wrong.
House, The antibiotics could do the same thing!
Foreman, Could! Not will.
House," We try it, we see!"
Foreman, The antibiotics will bring back the pain!
House," Pain makes us make bad decisions. Fear of pain is almost as big a motivator. Now look, we still have time. I will do that biopsy if I have to, but not a moment before. [Foreman takes the pills.]"
House, Start Foreman on IV antibiotics. Where's his dad?
Cameron, Where are you supposed to be when your son is dying?
House, He's not with him.
Cameron, He's in the chapel.
House," I've started your son on a new course of treatment. If it works, he'll get better. If it doesn't, he won't. While he's not getting better, he's going to experience so much pain that we'll have to put him in a chemically-induced coma while we figure out what to do next."
Rodney, My son says you're a Manipulative bastard.
House, It's a pet name. I call him Dr. Bling.
Rodney, I assume you're here for a reason. What do you want from me?
House, When your son is in a coma you're the one who's going to have to make the medical decisions for him.
Rodney," Oh, whatEver you decide is fine."
House, You don't care what I do?
Rodney," I'm not a doctor, what do I know? Except what Eric tells me. He says you're the best doctor he's Ever worked with."
Foreman, I need your help.
Cameron, There's nothing I can give you for the pain.
Foreman, I wanna be put out.
Cameron, I can have a nurse in here in five minutes.
Foreman," No, once I'm out I might not come back. I've nEver done a will."
Cameron, I'll call a Lawyer for you.
Foreman," I want you to be my medical proxy. All the things that piss me off about you in House's office: too emotional, too caring, too cautious! they're all good things on this floor."
Cameron," Your dad is ""�"
Foreman, No.
Cameron, He cares about you.
Foreman, So do you.
Cameron, I can't do this.
Foreman, We expect family members to make decisions about their loved ones after a ten minute briefing that we're agonizing over Even with years of medical experience.
Cameron, That's from my article.
Foreman," I'm sorry, Allison. I shouldn't have stolen your article, I shouldn't have exposed you. You are a friend, I need to know that we're okay."
Cameron," No. I'll be your proxy, but we're not okay. You're scared, you're dying, but that's the only reason you wanna set things right. We're gonna get you better first, and then, if you still want to apologize, I'll be around. I'll call that Lawyer. [She meets House on her way out.]"
House, Any improvements?
Cameron, No. As far as we can tell the only improvements the antibiotics are treating is the legionella. I think we need to consider alternate theories.
House, Like what?
Cameron, We do the biopsy.
House, Give the antibiotics more time.
Cameron, There is no more time; the pain was almost unbearable already!
House," So he's almost in unbearable pain, he's not almost dead, which means we have more time."
Chase, Mr. Foreman? We need to put your son in a coma. You should be there.
Rodney," It's a medical procedure, right?"
Chase," Yeah, but once we put him out, if we don't solve this, he won't wake up."
Rodney," What should I say? Should I talk to him like it's going to be okay? Or should I be saying goodbye? I need to know what people say when ""�"
Chase, Just tell him you love him.
Rodney," Hey, son."
Foreman," Hey, Dad."
Rodney, It's going to be okay.
Foreman, You don't know that.
Rodney, I know.
Foreman, You don't.
Rodney, I don't wanna miss you.
Foreman," I love you too, Dad. [Rodney starts to cry.] Hey, it's gonna be okay. Can we do this now?"
Cameron," Yeah, of course. [as Foreman goes under] I accept your apology."
Wilson, Why weren't you with Foreman?
House," I hang out in the basement, you rag on me. I stay in my office, you rag on me. Honky just can't buy a break."
Wilson, Do the biopsy.
House," Based on the cop's progression I figure he's got another four hours before ""�"
Wilson, You figure? You're playing Russian Roulette but the gun's pointed at him.
House, No. Cutting open his head is what's dangerous.
Wilson," Oh, it's dangerous. Well, what would people think? The reason you don't see Patients is because if you know them, you'll give a crap about them."
House," I know you ""�"
Wilson," If you give a crap about them, you stop making outrageous calls. If this was any other Patient you'd have damned the risks and cut their head open a long time ago. [Cameron enters.]"
Cameron," He's out. The EEG shows he's still in pain, the antibiotics have had more than enough time, we're doing the brain biopsy."
House, Not unless you people can't come up with something clEver in the next three hours.
Cameron," Now, we're doing it now!"
House," Well, who died and made you boss?"
Cameron, Foreman.
Cuddy, It's legal.
House, He's out of his mind! Yesterday he was giggling about a hole in a guy's head.
Cuddy," Then hire a laywer and challenge it. In the mean time, Cameron's in charge."
Rodney, Why would he sign that?
Cameron," It's nothing personal, Mr. Foreman."
Rodney," My son doesn't trust me ""� how exactly is that not personal?"
Cameron, I'm sorry.
House," You're sorry? You're talking about this Man's son. You're denying him the right to be a part of ""�"
Cuddy," Oh, shut up, House. If you want to do the biopsy, do the biopsy. If House tries to interfere, let me know and I will take care of it."
Cameron," Yeah, you're a hero. If it wasn't for you, we'd be cutting into a dead guy's head instead of Foreman's. Sorry. Thanks."
House, That was great!
Cameron, It was rude and unnecessary.
House, Yeah.
Cameron, Go away.
House, Give me time.
Cameron, We're out of time.
House, An hour.
Cameron," What does ""out of time""� mean?"
House, His O2 stats are at 94 right now. As long as they're above 90 the danger of fatal arrhythmia doesn't increase.
Cameron, So what? There's no point in waiting.
House, You were right. We should be cutting into a corpse's head.
Cameron," Yeah! We should be, except the CDC has got the cop's body under ""�"
House, There's got to be other bodies.
Cameron, You think this thing has killed other people?
House," No, that apartment was a dump. Just because Steve McQueen didn't get sick doesn't mean some other varmint didn't. You give me an hour, I go back there and find a dead animal, we cut its head open instead of Foreman's."
Cameron," Foreman's already at 100% oxygen. Once his O2 stats hit 90, I can't wait any longer. Where's your suit?"
House," Either you'll find the answer, or I'll find the answer. Doesn't matter."
Chase, Prep the drill. We've gotta be ready if we get the signal.
Cameron,92
House, Found a blind bird.
Cameron, Great. How fast can you get it in here?
House," I'll know in about 30 seconds. [House corners the bird, but it flies off. He then finds a dripping and rusty pipe. Again, the cell rings.]"
Cameron," You better have the bird, the surgical team's in place."
House, I screwed up.
Cameron, How can you not capture a blind bird?
House, That's not what I meant. I screwed up the first time through this place.
Cameron, Foreman told you Everywhere he went.
House," It's not where, it's when. He came here in the early afternoon. Me and Steve came two hours too late, you came six hours too early. It's the water, the irrigation system only pumps ""�"
Cameron," House, I tested the water, the water's clean! [As Cameron hangs up, Foreman's stats drop to 89. House climbs up a ladder and sees the water reservoir where the pigeons are drinking ""� they have to be connected. He rings Cameron again.] House."
House," We tested the wrong water. He stole cable, he stole fertilizer, and he stole water. [looking at it under a microscope] It's riddled with Naegleria."
Cameron, I know.
House, You already did the biopsy?
Cameron, I thought I had no choice.
Rodney, How's my son?
Cameron," He has primary amoebic meningoencephalitis. It's a parasite that goes through the nose and migrates into the brain, where it feeds on brain cells. The legionella attacked the parasite, that's why the disease slowed down."
Rodney, Is it treatable?
Cameron, We started him on an antiparasitic and the amoebas will clear out of his system.
Rodney, And then he'll be okay?
Cameron," And then we'll wean him out of the coma ""�"
Rodney, Will he be okay?
Cameron, There'll be no lasting damage from the parasite.
Rodney, But the surgery?
Cameron, We don't know.
House, Up and at 'em.
Cameron, How're you feeling? Can you talk?
Foreman, I don't feel anything.
Rodney, Are you numb?
Foreman," No, I mean, I don't feel any pain."
House, Keep your head still and follow my finger.
Foreman, I'm okay?
House," Your breath stinks, you're peeing into a bag. What are our names?"
Foreman, You did the biopsy? [Cameron nods.] Thank you.
House, Names.
Foreman," Cameron, my dad, and the Manipulative bastard."
House, You remembered.
Foreman," How're you doing, Dad?"
Rodney," Great, reliEved! great."
Foreman, What did I have?
Cameron," [as House is checking Foreman's reflexes] Naegleria. Biopsy showed the amoeba, CDC autopsy Eventually found the amoeba, and House found it in the water in the cop's roof."
House, Wiggle your left toes.
Foreman," Wait, you went back and she did the biopsy?"
House," Your left toes, Foreman."
Foreman, I just did.
House," No, you didn't."
Rodney, He can't move his toes?
House, He can move them. Raise your right arm. [Foreman raises his left. Whoops.]
Foreman, What?
Kara, Honey? Are you alright?
Brent," Yeah. Yeah, just fighting off a stomach bug. I'll be fine. Did he sleep ok?"
Kara," Great. As long as I was holding him. Can't wait for colic to be over. [she goes over to turn on the water in the bathtub] Oh shhh... come on Mikey, bathtub's coming. [she comforts the baby then turns back to Brent] He lifted his head yesterday. Take the day off, I mean you're sick anyway and you hardly Ever see him. Or me."
Brent, I can't. I got a meeting with Crandall's kitchens; I think that deal's going to close.
Kara, They called about the car payment again. Its two months late.
Brent," We're going to be fine, Honey. Enjoy your bath little Man [he kisses the top of the baby's head and then kisses her]"
Brent," You know Honey; I don't think I'm going to go in. I'm coming down with something. Honey? Kara? [he goes into the bathroom where Kara is lying in the tub] Kara? [on closer inspection, her expression is blank, she's having a seizure] Kara! [he notices that the baby has fallen into the tub under the water, he immediately grabs the baby out] Mikey! Mikey! Kara! Mikey!"
EMT," 4-week old infant submerged in the bathtub. Don't know how long, non-responsive at the scene."
Chase, Obviously breathing now. Continue to blow by stat portable test.
EMT," Caucasian female, 32, catatonic seizure in the bathroom."
Kara, Where... where am I? [her neck is strapped so that she can't move her head]
Brent," You're in the hospital, Honey, you're in the hospital. Mikey's here and the doctor say he's going to be ok."
Chase, Hopefully. He needs to be checked out by the NICU.
Kara, What happened?
Brent, You passed out.
Kara, What?
Brent, Mikey fell.
Chase, Has your wife had a seizure before?
Brent, No.
Kara," I can't move my head, I want to see him!"
Brent," He's right here, Honey, he's ok, he's right here."
House, Tonight. L Word marathon.
Wilson, You watch the L Word?
House, On mute.
Wilson, I'll pass. [House looks confused] Dinner with Cuddy.
House, Still sucking up so she'll fund your play space for the chemo kids? They really ought to save their energy for other things. Like crying.
Wilson, She's the suck up. [they get into the lift]
House, She asked you?
Wilson," She's smart. She knows if she buys me enough alcohol, my defences just might be weakened."
House, Doesn't make sense. Unless she ran out of batteries.
Wilson," Hey, I'm recently single, she's single."
House," You're too nice for her to like you; she's not needy enough for you to like her. She's got an agenda, just not one that includes an appearance by 'little Jimmy'. I'll poll my peeps. [He goes into the conference room] How Many of you think that Cuddy asked-- [only Cameron is there] or rather peep."
Cameron, Chase got a case in the ER; he wants us to take a look.
House," Unless Chase broke his neck falling off his polo pony, he had no reason to be in the ER."
Cameron, Cuddy put him on a 2-week NICU rotation. Patient had an unexplained seizure.
House," Seizures are cool to watch, boring to diagnose. What about Foreman? He needs to get his malingering butt back here."
Cameron, He almost died.
Foreman, Almost being the operative word [walking into the office].
Cameron, Hey. How are you doing? You look great. [Foreman rushes in to hug her... rather uncharacteristically]
Foreman, Thanks. I feel great.
House," Glad you're back. Cameron makes lousy coffee. Take mine black, the way I take my brain-damaged neurologists."
Foreman, Happy to help. [Cameron and House look suspicious at how Parkpper Foreman is]
Cameron, How are you coming along?
House, Tell her Everything is great. Neither of us wants to deal with her guilt.
Cameron, I don't feel guilty.
House," Of course not, hell if people felt guilt Every time they accidentally lobotomised a guy..."
Cameron, I was trying to save his life.
House," Yeah, your heart was in the right place. [Foreman can't seem to figure out how to open a packet of coffee] It's just his brain that's not quite where it's supposed to be. [he grabs the packet out of Foreman's hands and tears it open with his teeth] Tell her Everything's great."
Foreman," It's true. No more left-side right-side rEversals, still some short-term memory loss and spatial processing pRoblems but trying not to be too hard on myself."
House," Yeah, might pull a muscle."
Foreman, We have a case?
Cameron, Seizure that can't be explained by epilepsy. And accompanied by elevated calcium lEvels.
House, Still bored. Tell her why.
Foreman," Because seizure with mildly elevated calcium is diagnostically simple. It's either hyper parathyroid, cancer or calcium-mediated neurotoxicity. [he's puzzling over how to get the paper filter into the coffee maParkne]"
House," Well done. But until you can remember how to make coffee, hands off the Patients."
Cameron," House. All those reasons this case bores you, the ER has already ruled them out."
Chase," [to a nurse] Lungs are clear, get an EEG, confirm that brain functions are ok."
House, Can we focus on the task at hand? Why did mommy twitch so hard she tossed the baby in with the bathwater?
Chase, You don't need me for this.
House," Of course I need you, we're a team."
Chase," Polyarteritis nodosa. Inflamed arteries in the brain cause seizures, inflamed arteries in the kidneys cause calcium build-up."
House, You're a moron; did you Even look at the file? Kidney functions fine.
Cameron, Whipple's. [she makes it sound like wibbles]
House, What?
Cameron, Whipple's.
House," Test her. [she walks out] Cameron thinks it starts with a ""w""; I'm thinking ""v""."
Chase," Dad vomited this morning, maybe they've both got strep."
House, Think you can do a strep throat culture without the swab ending up in the guy's poop chute?
Foreman, V for vasoconstriction.
House, Gotta be my guess.
Foreman," Excess calcium makes blood vessels in the brain clamp down, best case scenario, seizure; worst case, stroke."
House, Do a digital subtraction angiogram. Foreman can't tell up from down and Cameron's a girl - all that mechanical stuff.
Chase," Sorry, Cuddy says I'm stuck here."
House, You're late. [he's lounging on the sofa next to the door and seems to have been there for quite some time]
Cuddy, And you are in my locked office. Again. [she hides the box in the handbag]
House, What you got there? Special panties for your date with Wilson?
Cuddy, It's not a date and it's none of your business.
House," It's not a date, it is business. And if it was business, you wouldn't say it was none of my business."
Cuddy, What do you want?
House, I want to talk about your date with Wilson.
Cuddy, It's not a date.
House, This is fun. Spring Chase from NICU and I'll shut up about your date.
Cuddy, NICU is short-staffed.
House," Have you suddenly lost the ability to lie? Nobody's quit NICU in two years. And if you're making up reasons, that means there is no reason. Which means he asked for the assignment, didn't he?"
Cuddy," If Chase needs a break from you, he should take it."
House, Absolutely.
Foreman, Both mom and dad are negative for strep.
Cameron, You'll be back playing with the big toys soon.
Foreman, Or not. Either way I'm fine.
Cameron, You don't have to say that.
Foreman, It's ok. I can always work in a research lab or teach.
Cameron, And you'd be ok with that?
Foreman, Why wouldn't I be?
Cameron," You were planning on pursuing grants of your own, running a department."
Foreman," I'm alive. Changing jobs, not making coffee... if that stuff bothers me now, I don't deserve this second chance."
Chase, They say that physical contact helps the healing process.
Brent, What's happening?
Chase," Your son's not getting enough oxygen, [to a nurse] take Mr Mason outside."
Chase," Lung's collapsed, he's not getting any air, I need an IV catheter!"
Foreman, Another seizure?
Cameron," [puts her hand on Kara's chest] Her chest muscles aren't contracting, it's something else. Her whole back is spasming, two milligrams of diazepam, stat."
Nurse, He's ok.
Chase, His lung wouldn't have collapsed if he was ok.
Cameron, What the hell is happening?
Foreman, I have no idea.
House," So what causes seizures, hypercalcemia and the thing where mommy bends like Gumby?"
Chase, A little busy here.
House," Oh oh, baby's lungs are going to conk out any minute. PRobably want to deal with that."
Chase, I'll get right on it as soon as I finish indulging my boss.
House, Multi-task.
Chase, Chemical pneumonitis. Bubble bath got into the baby's lungs when he was underwater. Start him on prednisone; keep him on high FIO2 [to a nurse].
House, Let the indulging commence.
Chase, Lithium could cause all 3 of the mother's symptoms.
Cameron, No record she's on lithium.
Foreman, And tox screen was negative.
House," Lithium doesn't show on a basic tox screen, scarecrow."
Foreman, Myelogenous meningitis could also cover Everything.
House," Rare complications of a rare blood cancer. You're not totally hopeless. Get an S-pep and an MRI for the myelogenous meningitis [to Cameron]. Search the Patient's place for lithium [to Foreman]. Baby's lung pRoblem is bacterial, not chemical, start ECMO [to Chase]. While you're searParkng for the lithium, take a water sample and check the pipes. You want me to write this down for you? [back to Chase] I ask you, is almost dying, any excuse for not being fun?"
Chase," I'm not putting that baby on ECMO, the chance of there being bacteria in bathwater--"
House," Why don't you want to work for me? I'm nice, I'm fun at parties."
Chase, I'm not working NICU because of you. The baby's x-ray suggests a chemical pneumonitis.
House, Not to me. X-ray was too consolidated. So why are you down here? Hoping to expand your make out pool to include the preme to nine-year-old demographic?
Chase," I needed a break. From the Patients. They lie to us all the time, Foreman almost died trying to save a drug-dealing cop. I just wanted to get away from that for a while."
House, What a complete load of crap. What am I a nurse you're trying to prep with this vulnerability thing?
Chase, ECMO could kill him.
House, You don't start him on ECMO and that infection could rampage through his body like pistons fans after a championship. But you do it your way. Nothing more honest than a dead baby [he gets into the lift]
Chase, ECMO stands for extracorporeal membrane oxygenation; basically we remove your son's blood--
Brent, All of his blood?
Chase, We run it through a maParkne which takes out carbon dioxide and adds oxygen. Then we re-warm the blood and run it back into his body. There is a significant risk of internal haemorrhaging and he may also suffer from--
Brent, You put him on antibiotics; won't that take care of the infection?
Chase, Not fast enough.
Brent, Are you sure this is Mikey's best shot?
Chase, Absolutely.
Wilson, Cuddy's trash?
House, Not anymore. Paid good money for it. [he finally finds the empty box that Cuddy was trying to hide that morning] Look at what she bought.
Wilson, Red clover.
House," What is red clover used for, Dr Wilson?"
Wilson," Also used to treat asthma, psoriasis, joint pain..."
House," She doesn't wheeze, flake or ache. And she didn't ask a pulmonologist or a dermatologist for dinner. She invited an oncologist. It's not a date, it's a consult."
Cameron," Mom's MRI was negative for masses, abscesses, there's no sign that she has myelogenous meningitis--"
House," Fascinating, call me when we have--"
Cameron, She has a subarachnoid bleed.
House, So why is our Patient bleeding into her brain?
Cameron, Her blood workup shows her ProTime's elevated.
House," She's bleeding because she's not clotting. So why is she not clotting? [Foreman is in the room] What'd you bring us, daddy?"
Foreman," The only mood altering drug was vodka, at the back of her drawer."
Cameron," Hiding booze is classic alcoholic behaviour, that'd explain the bleeding."
Foreman, What bleeding?
House, You don't remember? She bled all over you this morning [Foreman looks confused and a little distressed that House is suggesting something he can't remember]. Kidding. Idiots are fun; no wonder Every village wants one.
Cameron," If she's an alcoholic, she would also be more prone to hypercalcemia."
Foreman, But tox screen was negative for alcohol.
House," Hey, it was your idea. Now it's Even better. Mommy quits, she gets the DTs, it Even explains the seizure."
Foreman," Also fits conversion disorder. They're deep in Debt, he's working round the clock, they got a new baby - I think the seizure was a physical response to psychological stress."
House, Boozing mommy covers more symptoms. Put her in a nice Phenobarbital coma before the DTs kill her.
House, Where are you going?
Foreman, To put her in a phenocoma.
House, What if I'm wrong? What if daddy's the drunk?
Cameron, Do you want us to give her the pheno or not?
House, I want him to argue his point!
Foreman, I assume you considered the father and ruled him out.
House, What's that saying where you ASSume you become a pain in the ass to me?
Foreman, Why should I argue? You'd just overrule me.
House, Enough! Get a pony or a watermelon farm!
Cameron, House!
House," I need him to react; I need him to act like a huMan being. I need him to get over this boring, near-death rebirth."
Foreman, I have changed. It's not something you get over.
House," Nearly dying changes Everything forEver. For about 2 months. 2 months is too long, I need the guy I hired back now."
Foreman," No matter how much your misery loves company, it's not getting mine. I'll talk to the dad, Cameron can take the mom, we'll figure out if mom was a drinker."
House, Waste of time; put her in a coma before the DTs kill her.
Cuddy, So... is this a separation or...?
Wilson," Our Lawyers have been hired, friends divvied up. Oddly she didn't fight me for House."
Cuddy, [laughs] At least there aren't kids involved. Just have each other to deal with.
Wilson," Hmm. If there had been kids, maybe we would have done more of that."
Cuddy, Do you want kids?
Wilson," Listen, is there anything in particular you wanted to... hospital business or...?"
Cuddy," CatParkng up. I mean, you know... it's not like either one of us has anybody to run home to."
Wilson," No. [they continue eating, Cuddy looks uncomfortable]"
Cameron, How are you feeling?
Kara, Ok. A little groggy.
Cameron, There's somebody here to see you. [she steps aside to rEveal Brent holding Mikey]
Brent," Hey Mikey, mommy's awake. [Kara sits up to hold the baby]"
Kara," Oh Mikey, oh gosh, I was so scared! Oh... I love you [she kisses him] I love you so much, shh... [she turns to Brent] I'm sorry."
Brent, You don't have anything to be sorry about. You were sick.
Foreman," Turns out she and her husband met in AA, obviously she slipped. Good call."
House," It wasn't hard considering my other choice was your stupid psych theory. [he reaches for his vicodin] Which was not stupid. I'm telling you, I'm going to drop the ""N"" bomb if I have to."
Foreman, [pats House on the back] You're addicted to conflict.
House, Did they change the name?
Foreman," You could have handled this Patient without dragging Chase in but the fact that he didn't want in killed you. [House looks into Kara's room, she's on her side facing away from the glass wall doing something] Just like the fact that you can't get a rise out of me."
House," [notices the empty baby crib at the end of Kara's bed] Where's the baby? [he throws his cane away and quickly runs (as well as a crippled Man can at any rate) into Kara's room, Foreman hot on his heels]"
House," No breath sounds, crash cart and epi, stat! [he starts giving the baby mouth-to-mouth] I told you your psych theory wasn't stupid."
Foreman, Your son is stable but the lack of oxygen damaged his kidneys.
Brent, She must have rolled over on him by mistake.
Foreman," Mr Mason, I was there. Your wife tried to smother your son."
Brent, That's impossible. Kara would nEver hurt Mikey.
Kara, He knows. They said Mikey knows.
Cameron, You hear voices?
Kara, They wouldn't quit saying that Mikey would be better off if... they were right.
Cameron, We've been trying to diagnose a seizure that didn't exist. She faked it when her husband caught her.
Foreman, I don't think she faked it.
Cameron, She just happened to seize right in the middle of drowning her Parkld? Lucky break for the kid.
House," Hey, take it easy on Foreman. He's playing with one lobe tied behind his back."
Foreman," Postpartum psychosis makes her want to drown her kid, the internal conflict triggers a seizure."
House," You know what else might be a trigger? A physical illness. It's a wild idea, I know especially since she doesn't have any obviously physical symptoms like internal bleeding or excess calcium."
Foreman," I'll draw some blood, test for--"
House," Ahhhh!! Jesus! You've done it again! Will you argue with me?! Drinkers don't eat right, explains the bleeding and the calcium, this might just be some crazy drunk and I'm telling you that she's about to die of myelogenous meningitis."
Cameron, We already tested for--
House, Exactly! It's an insane idea!
Foreman, Ok. What do you want me to do?
House," Have an original thought. In the meantime, stress her into having another seizure."
Foreman," We can't, she's on Haloperidol."
House," You also can't because it's dangerous and highly unethical, therefore, if you get caught, pretend you can't make coffee, mental defectives get tons of slack. [he sighs] Take her off the Haloperidol, hook her up to an EEG, flash some lights, make her pant, shoot her up with a placebo. When she starts twitParkng, if the maParkne twitches along its real. If not, call the cops because she's a psycho killer."
Cameron, Stop pushing him.
House, Stop protecting him.
Cameron, He needs it.
House, Not if he wants to get better.
Cameron, He might not be able to get better.
House, Well then I need a new neurologist.
Cameron, He got sick doing his job.
House," Well if he got killed doing his job I wouldn't keep him on the payroll. I don't care how guilty you feel, or how touched you are by his reborn spirit."
Cameron, I'm not touched.
House, Then you're guilt-ridden.
Cameron, I'm not guilt-ridden!
House, Then you're pathetic!
Cameron," Right now I'm annoyed! Keeping him up all night in a seizure lab is not the way to advance his recovery, it's too much!"
House," You're right, should stick around, make sure he doesn't screw up."
Foreman," Kara, look directly into the light. [flashing lights] Keep looking. [to Cameron] Thought you'd be gone for the day."
Cameron, Thought I'd wait for the bone marrow biopsy results.
Foreman," House sent you to baby-sit me, didn't he?"
Cameron, He asked me to wait for the results.
Foreman," Cameron, its fine."
Cameron, 'Course it is.
Foreman," Look, a few weeks ago you were upset that I didn't consider you a friend. Now you're upset that I'm happy?"
Cameron, What can I say? Apparently I'm a bitch.
Foreman, Woah! [laughs] I didn't say that.
Cameron, It's annoying. Insisting Every day of your life is a blessing is basically calling Everyone else shallow. Gets old.
Foreman, Sorry.
Cameron," Oh, give it a rest."
House, How was dinner?
Wilson, Cuddy did not mention cancer.
House, She lost her nerve.
Wilson, It was a date.
House, What are you doing?
Wilson, PCR test.
House," You're doing it yourself, in the middle of the night? On a spoon. Cuddy's spoon?"
Wilson, I'm checking her saliva for cancer markers.
House, Yeah. I do that after all my dates too. People think you're the nice one.
Wilson, Why are you so worried about Cuddy?
House, You go first. You desperately want this to be a date.
Wilson, Because the alternative is cancer.
House," Just admit that you like her. She's smart, funny, got a zesty bod. I think it's great you can look beyond the fact she's the devil."
Wilson," I stole her spoon, you stole her garbage."
House," She's my boss. She gets sick, the hospital might replace her, especially if she dies. I'd have to learn how to Manipulate someone new."
Wilson, Woah. I think I'm going to cry.
House, Find me when the results come in.
Chase," Mr Mason, because of the damage done to your son's kidneys, his potassium is climbing. It's causing irregular heartbeats. I'm doubling the meds and starting him on dialysis. Unless we get his potassium down, he's going to have a heart attack."
Foreman," Kara, just another few minutes."
Cameron," Biopsy's back, she's negative for myelogenous meningitis."
Foreman, And she's not seizing. So we're wrong and House is wrong.
Cameron, You're ok with that? [alarms start beeping] She's seizing.
Foreman, She's not doing anything.
Cameron," Brain activity isn't accelerating, it's slowing down."
Cameron," Muscle rigidity, involuntary grasping and sucking motions, she's in an encephalopathic delirium."
House, Hmm... a genuine physiological illness that rules out a few things. Like what I wonder?
Foreman, Postpartum psychosis and conversion disorder.
House," Thing about being a good loser, you're still a loser."
Foreman, Ouch.
Cameron," The delirium means her brain is shutting down, rEverting to its most instinctual functions."
House," Since it's progressing, we can assume it's progressive. Which means it won't be long before the brain closes shop altogether. Ideas?"
Nurse, He's in vfib!
Chase," Potassium's still too high. No pulse, get him off the maParkne. [Nurse hands him paddles] Charge it up to 10. Clear!"
Nurse, Still in vfib.
Chase, [hands the paddles back to her] Another amp of epi!
House, Chase shouldn't be wasting his time in the NICU.
Foreman, Could be Wernicke's.
House," No, treatment for Wernicke's is thiamine; we gave her that together with the vino."
Cameron," Delirium points to lithium, I know we didn't find any but--"
House, She had to be smuggling it in to be getting sicker.
Cameron, Whipple's causes encephalopathic delirium.
Foreman, Test was negative.
Cameron, The test could have been wrong.
House," Ideas are not soda cans, recycling sucks. Give me something new and shiny. Or go retro, take an old idea, shine it up, add a new symptom... encephalopathic delirium. Pellagra."
Foreman, She drinks. Alcoholics get pellagra. They eat lousy diets so no niacin.
House," He agrees with me, what a shock."
Foreman," But you're right, lack of niacin starves the brain, neurons shut down, causes seizures, encephalopathic delirium and psychosis."
Cameron," We give Kara niacin, she'll come out of her delirium and she'll be totally sane."
Chase, Don't think she's Ever going to be sane again. Her son just died.
Foreman, How do you feel?
Kara, Err... my err... stomach kinda hurts.
Foreman," I need to ask you some questions, see how you're doing."
Kara, Mmhmm.
Foreman, Tell me your name?
Kara," Kara Mason, is my son here?"
Foreman, When were you born?
Kara," Please, where is Michael? Is he ok?"
Foreman, Do you hear any other voices besides mine?
Kara, No! Answer me!
Foreman," You've been suffering from delusions. They were caused by a vitamin deficiency, pellagra. Made you beliEve things that were not real."
Kara, Like the voices. I err... [she's starting to cry] remember doing things to Mikey... were those real?
Foreman, I'm afraid so.
Kara, So I...
Foreman, You tried to suffoCate your son.
Kara," But I... you... you stopped me. And err... that... that other doctor, he got Mikey breathing..."
Foreman, Your son's organs were damaged too sEverely. He passed away this morning.
Kara," [she finally breaks down altogether into grief] Oh nooo! No no no noooo! Noooo! Oh my god, no! Oh my god! [she leans over the side of the bed and suddenly vomits out a lot of blood]"
Foreman, Pellagra doesn't cause bloody vomit. She's still sick and getting worse.
House," So... what causes pellagra and crimson spew? [he bangs his cane on the glass wall in front of Chase, shocking him out of his mindless staring] Dead baby, while sad, not our pRoblem."
Chase, I should have given him more polystyrene.
House," You killed him, if you don't get over it, you're going to kill momma too."
Cameron," Her alcoholism caused the pellagra, maybe it also explains the vomiting. Gastritis."
Foreman," Gastritis meds aren't helping, which may confirm her story she only slipped once."
Cameron," You remove the drinking from the equation, internal bleeding, hypercalcemia, seizure and pellagra are all back in."
House," [looks at Chase who is still despondent] Chase, would you get your head out of the dead baby's butt and focus on the barely alive-- [he suddenly realises something] How much polystyrene did you give the kid?"
Chase, One gram. His potassium just kept rising.
House, I need your son.
Brent, Who are you?
House, Your wife's doctor. Your son may have had the same condition she does.
Brent," My son didn't have a condition, she killed him."
House," If I biopsy her intestines, she'll bleed out. He obviously won't."
Brent, You're not using my son's body to help her.
House," Ok. How about trading him for a beer? Or maybe you're more of a whiskey guy. You didn't have strep or stomach bug the morning you came in, you puked because you were hung over. If she was a recovering drunk and slipping most of the time, you'd be right."
Brent, So I drink. You're acting like this is my fault.
House, People are going to feel sorry for you; they'll tell you that you can't anticipate the unthinkable well the fact is you can. It's just not all that pleasant.
Brent," Look, you don't know anything about how--"
House, I know that people don't get crazy enough to kill someone without first being crazy enough for someone to notice. How Many times did you go out for a drink because she was crying? How Many times did you stay at work because you couldn't listen to her telling you what a bad mother she is? You were reliEved. When she shut down. She just sat staring for hours at a time. She held the pillow over his head; you slept while she went nuts. Not exactly a draw but--
Brent, What is wrong with you? What kind of a person says those things now?
House, Let me do the test. It'll be one less thing for you to feel crappy about.
House, Got a dead baby for you to autopsy.
Chase, Let Cameron do it.
House, Love working NICU? I can get you transferred.
Chase," I told you, I just wanted to trust Patients."
House, You don't give a crap about Patients. [Chase looks fed up and is about to walk out of the room] Your paycheck. [he holds it up out of the pile on his desk] You've been double-dipping. Taking your vacation time here while drawing a salary in NICU. Strange - rich boy doing all that for some extra cash.
Chase, [he tries to grab it from House but House pulls it out of his reach] I'm not rich.
House, But your dad was; now he's dead. If you're not rich that means that daddy cut you out. [he gives Chase the envelope]
Chase, I'm not rich.
House, Don't let it change you. And do the test.
Chase," God of compassion, take Michael into your arms, welcome him into paradise. There will be no sorrow, no weeping and no pain. Peace and joy forEvermore. [whispers] I'm sorry. [he continues with the autopsy]"
Wilson, It was a date. Cuddy's negative for all cancer markers. It was a date.
Chase, [walks in] Baby's intestines show slight villus atrophy.
Wilson, How would a baby have flattened villi?
House, He was being treated with polystyrene.
Foreman, Polystyrene shouldn't--
House, It didn't. Question is what do they use in the NICU to bind it together?
Cameron, Wheat gluten.
House, It's great stuff. Unless your body can't tolerate it.
Chase, The baby didn't have colic he had celiac disease?
House," Just like mom. Celiac can be triggered by all kinds of stress. Bills, Parkldbirth, drunk husband. Every time she had a bowl of pasta or a slice of bread a slosh of soya sauce, her small intestine became more damaged, [CGI of the small intestines and the villi] less able to absorb the vitamins and minerals in her bloodstream. Her body couldn't absorb enough niacin, caused the pellagra. Didn't absorb vitamin K, caused the bleeding. And celiac is why the baby's meds didn't work. His body just couldn't absorb them. Switch mom to IV nutrition, its gluten free, that'll spruce her villi right up."
Cameron," No, celiac causes nutritional deprivation. Our Patient has excess calcium."
House, [to Wilson] Tell them what causes excess calcium. With a Chaser of bloody vomit.
Wilson, Celiac Patients are susceptible to cancer of the stomach lining. She has MALT lymphoma.
House," Well, she's your Patient now. [he looks back at the sheet Wilson gave him with the results of Cuddy's PCR test] And it wasn't a date."
House, You don't have cancer.
Cuddy, You don't have dwarfism.
House," You have no proof of that. I on the other hand, have this. [he hands her the results sheet]"
Cuddy, You ran a PCR on me without my consent?
House," Hey, it's good news."
Cuddy, Really? It's just hard to access because of this overwhelming sense of personal violation.
House," Deal with it on your own time. Bad news, oestrogen is too high."
Cuddy," No matter how Many people you tell otherwise, I am and always have been a Woman. Oestrogen is normal."
House," Not this much, not for at least for another week. That's when you ovulate."
Cuddy, You monitor my periods? Based on when I get bitchy or...?
House," Once a month, when you leave the kids cancer ward, your eyes glisten. About three days later, you break your ban on sugar and chow down a bucket of frozen yoghurt in the cafeteria, sprinkles included. Based on the last yoghurt sighting, you've got another week before you ovulate. You're on fertility meds. With red clover as an herbal booster. [Cuddy starts to look upset] And the dinner with Wilson was an audition. It's too bad he didn't land the gig. He would have had fun."
Cuddy," I was considering a donation, not a party."
House," So... when's our ""dinner""? [with accompanying hand gestures]"
House, Oh he's going to be so disappointed.
Cuddy, Right. You two are going to have a lot of fun with this.
Wilson, Your Patient won't let me touch her.
Kara, I killed my son.
House," Is it my turn to say something obvious now? Oh I know, you were insane."
Kara, I did it. I chose to do it.
House," Yeah, like diabetics choose to not produce insulin. Listen, someone got sick, someone died. Happens Every day. The only difference in this case is it wasn't the same someone."
Kara, I could have stopped. I didn't have to listen to those voices.
House, Spoken like a true sane person. This is not your fault. You're healthy now... except for the cancer.
Kara, Those voices felt as real to me as Michael's hand. Right here when he nursed. And... the smell of his hair...
House, You do not deserve to die.
Kara, Maybe. I don't want to live.
House, She said no.
Foreman," So we get her declared unstable, appoint a medical proxy."
House," She was unstable, now she's sane. She's entitled to refuse treatment."
Foreman," We have to change her mind, you can't just walk away."
House," Fine, go on in there and tell her that Every day is a blessing! So you killed your baby, shake it off, think positive! At least you're alive. [he waits for a response] Hmm. Kinda hard to sell when you don't beliEve it huh? And you nEver beliEved it. You just wanted all that crap you went through to mean something, well it didn't mean anything, it nEver does. Welcome back."
Foreman, Why are you doing this to me? I was happy!
House, You were aspiring to be content.
Foreman, Don't give me a seMantic argument. I was content with the way things were! That's what happiness is!
House," Yeah, if we're all just satisfied with what we have, what a beautiful world it would be. We'd all slowly starve to death in our own filth, but at least we'd be happy. Listen, I need your self-worth to hang on this job. I need you kicking ass here to be all that lets you rise above being miserable, if waking up in the morning is enough, I don't need you."
Foreman, I can live with that.
House, No you can't. Not anymore.
Brent, If you got treatment then maybe we could... [long silent pause] When you see Mikey... tell him his dad says he's sorry.
House, Hi.
Wilson, Bye.
House, Bye.
Cuddy, Bye.
Wilson, Did you tell Cuddy that we tested her for cancer?
House, Yeah.
Wilson, And?
House," It wasn't a date. [Wilson narrows his eyes] Turned out she had some skin lesions, guess there was no genetic predisposition. [Wilson looks a little suspicious but lets it pass]"
Wilson, You tivo The L Word?
Leona, I know that one. I was at the studio when Grandfather recorded it.
Crandall, Thinking about your mom?
Leona," Mama, Everything, my whole life. It was all a lie. I nEver knew you; I nEver knew you were my dad."
Crandall," Your life's going to be okay, Leona. You're a good kid, you've got it together. You survived the last eight months on your own. You're not your grandfather or your mom. You're not going to make the same mistakes they did. I'm proud that I'm your father. [The line repeats in Leona's head.] I'm glad I'm getting this chance. [Leona looks, and sees water spilling from the cabin door.]"
Leona, We gotta go! Get out of here!
Crandall," Leona! [Leona sees a large torrent of water swallow Everyone, but there isn't any water in the plane. CGI of Leona's heart. She collapses.] Leona!"
s answering maParkne," You've reached a number that has been disconnected and is no longer in service. If you feel you've reached this recording in error, go ahead, hang up on three. One, two, [beep!] [As this is going on, House opens the box, which is full of syringes and bottles of morphine, and begins to tie a rubber strap around his arm.]"
s voice," House, pick up. I know it's your day off, and you've no doubt got lots of exciting plans, but I've got a case. 16-year-old girl presenting with cardiogenic shock. [House is about to shoot up until he hears!] No heart attack."
Cuddy," Her heart looks fine. ER did a full cardiac workup. Tox screen's clean, blood work shows no infection ""�"
House, All on the top page. I'm a real good reader. Personal chart handoff means there's something else. I'm hoping it's not personal.
Cuddy," The guy who brought the girl in says he knows you. I thought I'd met all your *friend*. I was also wondering if you could take a look at these, when you have a chance. [gives him an envelope] No hurry, it's just a couple of medical histories, one with a minor cancer concern ""�"
House, No pRoblem.
Crandall," G-Man! [He runs toward House as though he's going to hug him, but stops.] You thought I was going to do it, didn't you?"
House, Do I know you?
Crandall," Come on, it's me, Crandall!"
House, Doesn't ring a bell.
Crandall," Man, I can't beliEve you didn't ""�"
House," Unless you mean Dylan Crandall, the Man who'll beliEve anything. See, I just made you beliEve that I!."
Crandall, You haven't changed. Heard about your leg.
House," Yeah, pulled a hamstring playing Twister. Just gonna walk it off. So, who's the girl?"
Crandall, Jesse Baker's granddaughter. You always said you'd give your right hand to play like him.
House," No, I said I'd give my right hand to have his left. Why is she with you?"
Crandall," She lost her mom in Katrina, her home, Everything."
House, Wow.
Crandall, And I'm her father.
House, Hmmm! yeah. She looks just like you. [Best to point out now that Crandall is white and Leona is black.] Got the same 'fro.
Crandall," I wrote a book about Baker, hung out with him ""� his daughter."
House," Yeah, that's how babies are made."
Crandall," I nEver knew, she nEver knew. Her mom lied for sixteen years."
House, That's unbelievable.
Crandall, Yeah.
House," Seriously, I don't beliEve it."
Crandall," Her mom was pissed at me about my book; I trashed her and her dad. She wouldn't talk to me; obviously, she's not going to tell Leona that ""�"
House, You're a sucker. You always were.
Crandall, Does that mean you're not going to help her?
House, Why wouldn't I? She's not scamming me.
Chase, Acute myocardial infarction?
House, ER said no. Retest.
Cameron, Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome?
House," ER said no. Retest, and read the damn file."
Cameron, You just gave them to us.
Foreman," Delta wave on the EKG looks like ""�"
House, It's all a 'no.' Everything about her heart is healthy.
Cameron, She's a Katrina victim!
House, It's better than Crandall. He's a Katrina victim victim.
Chase," I don't think she was expecting your sympathy. I think her point was New Orleans was a third-world country: toxins, mold, sewage in the streets!"
House," What if her heart is like my bike? Runs like crap when I'm by myself, but take it to the mechanic and it runs great?"
Foreman," An arrhythmia, a one time Event."
Cameron," What are we going to do, keep her in a room on a cardiac monitor until she has another arrhythmia? That could be weeks, months! [While she says this, we see House clutParkng his leg.]"
House," Relax, I happen to know she's going to have one right after lunch. We are golden."
Cameron, You can't induce an arrhythmia in someone whose heart gave out nearly 48 hours ago.
House," Sure you can, but it's kinda technical ""� you stick all these cool little wires inside her somehow, and ""�"
Cameron, I mean you shouldn't.
House," Oh, right, because it would be much more ethical to let it happen in an uncontrolled setting. There's always a team of cardiologists sitting at the next table, this is Jersey! She's a minor, she's going to need consent."
Cameron, I'll go talk to him.
House," Oh, that's an excellent plan! You'll give him the form and tell him it's wrong and dangerous."
Cameron, I can handle a simple consent form.
House," Okay, I'll be Crandall. Dr. Cameron ""�"
Foreman," House, from what you say, this guy will trust us ""�"
House, Are you in this scene? Go.
Cameron, I'd like to talk to you about a procedure we'd like to do on Leona.
House, Like to do? Is this fun for you?
Cameron, He's not you! He's not going to mock me.
House, Stay in character! I'm so scared. Hold me.
Cameron," In order to figure out which circuit is misfiring, we need to map all the electrical activity in her heart."
House, Swear to me on the Bible you'd do this if it was your kid. Good-bye.
House," It's a map of the electrical pathways of the heart. We send electricity to each, one at a time, until one fails."
Crandall, It sounds dangerous.
House, It's a risk I am prepared to take.
Crandall," If she's got an electrical pRoblem, couldn't more electricity blow her whole system?"
House," Well, who's been watParkng Bill Nye the Science Guy? The test is perfectly safe. We do it Every day. [as Crandall prepares to sign] And you beliEve me."
Crandall, I shouldn't do the test?
House, It's crazy dangerous. Just sign the damn form. [hands Crandall a tissue]
Crandall," I'm not crying, I can handle this."
House, Blow your nose. I need DNA from somewhere.
Crandall, You're not running a paternity test.
House," She's going to stay around just long enough to get your bank account, your credit card numbers and then she's going to be off with her next daddy."
Crandall," What she's been through! why would you assume ""�"
House, Because of what she's been through.
Crandall," Because that's your default position, always has been!"
House," Because she's still alive! Raised by a junkie, living off the streets, that tends to kick the sweetness out of you."
Crandall, Figured you'd have mellowed.
House, That's because you're an idiot.
Crandall," If I let you do the test, it means I don't trust her."
House," No, it means I don't trust her."
Leona," 100, 99, 98!"
Chase, She's out.
Cameron, Heart rhythm's normal. Insert the first catheter.
Chase, I'm in. [CG of the catheter entering the heart.]
Cameron, All rhythms still normal.
Chase, Haven't zapped her yet.
Cameron, Send the first electrical pulse.
Chase, Sinoatrial node is normal
House," Next! [Leona fidgets, and the monitors beep.]"
Chase, Got supraventricular tachycardia.
Foreman, Stop the current.
House, Is she hallucinating?
Chase, IV push stat 12.5 of adenosine.
Cameron, She's crashing. BP's plummeting.
House," Foreman, is she hallucinating?"
Foreman," No, normal waves."
House, Then the AV node is not the bad pathway. All that was was a heart attack. Reset her so we can find the real pRoblem.
Foreman, Charging! clear! [They shock her.]
Chase, Normal rhythm.
House," Chase, high right atrium, please."
Chase," Her heart's fragile after that last attack. The chances of tachycardia ""�"
House, You have my permission to blame Foreman at any negligence trial.
Cameron, Send the electrical pulse.
Foreman, That's the one; she's hallucinating.
Chase, It's near the coronary sinus.
House," Freeze it. [Chase presses a button, and CG graphics show the catheter freezing the damaged heart muscle."
Chase, Damaged heart muscle gone. [something] complete.
Foreman, EEG's back to normal. No hallucinations.
House, She'll be fine by breakfast.
House, Interesting reading.
Cuddy, Those are my top two choices for sperm donors. I wanted your medical opinion on genetics.
House, They're losers.
Cuddy," Uh, medically, or ""�"
House," Donor 1284 likes square dancing. No one likes square dancing. 613 has been practicing medicine for five minutes, calls himself a healer. Loves Mozart."
Cuddy," I'm not going dancing with them, I'm looking for healthy sperm. He's got four living grandparents ""�"
House," Who they are, what they do, that doesn't matter?"
Cuddy, I'm leaning toward 613.
House," Oh, sure. Go with the Jewish number."
Cuddy," 1284 has a cousin that tested positive for the BRCA gene ""�"
House," But his mother was negative, which means so's your baby."
Cuddy," What about the ""�"
House," The Mediterranean-Dutch factor on the dad's side? It's not a pRoblem, because his dad's mother didn't carry the thalassemia gene. Bigger issue is the jerk composer genes. This Mozart lie ""�"
Cuddy, People can't like classical music?
House," You're designing a kid, a loser kid! He's already getting pummeled at recess."
Cuddy," Here, knock yourself out. Go find sperm that can beat up 613's kids. And thanks for your help."
House, Pretentiousness is hereditary. Just 'cause they haven't found the gene yet!
s voice," Could I have some water please? Hello? I just need some water. Is anyone there? [Leona gets up, and moves the curtains around the bed. In the next bed, she hallucinates a Woman with water rushing over her, dirty and covered in plants and bugs.]"
Leona," Mama? [She wakes up, screaming.]"
Cameron, Second hallucination means we didn't fix her heart. Maybe we missed something.
Chase," Her heart's fine. If she hallucinated, it wasn't caused by her heart."
Foreman," If? The screaming, the floundering! it was a hallucination."
House, [poking his head in] What if it wasn't a hallucination?
Cameron," We covered ""�"
House, Not finished. What if it was an atypical seizure?
Foreman," Seizure? She saw her mother. Mother's dead. Ergo, hallucination. [House leaves.]"
Chase, Anyone want to explain that?
Cameron, His leg hurts. Walking takes his mind off of it. [House enters again.]
House," Flashback. All that wind and rain from the hurricane, post traumatic stress syndrome."
Cameron, Why are you so bent on her not having a hallucination?
House," If she did have a hallucination, then the heart pRoblem that we predicted, found, and fixed was just a gigantic coincidence. [He leaves again.]"
Chase, His leg always hurts.
Cameron, It's getting worse.
House," [yelling through the wall] What if the heart isn't a coincidence and isn't what caused the hallucination? An arrhythmia hurts. What if her hallucination was caused by pain? What if she has a disease that translates pain into a bizarre, physiological response, like a hallucination?"
Cameron," She has an autoimmune disease. She needs a CRP, a rheumatoid factor, a ""�"
House, I can prove an autoimmune disease in five minutes. She needs a PET scan.
Foreman," You can't test for autoimmune in a PET scan ""�"
House," I'm proving that her hallucinations are a consistent response to pain, which proves that she has an autoimmune disease."
Cameron, How do you test someone's response to pain?
House, Easy. Hurt them.
House, It's not going to hurt at all. We just need to make sure you don't move.
Leona, I won't.
House," Okay, give me your arm. Let's check your muscle responses. Okay, turn it over, arm upward. Everything okay?"
Leona, Yeah. [House sticks her finger with a needle.] OW!
Crandall, What the hell was that?
Foreman," Diagnostic test. Cerebral cortex responding normally, she's not hallucinating."
House," You know he's not your father, don't you?"
Leona, He's my dad. Mama told me.
House, I'm sorry; I didn't mean to hurt you. [He sticks her again in the leg.]
Crandall," House, leave her alone!"
House," Come on, we both know it's a hustle. Are the walls closing in?"
Leona," No, why are you doing this?"
House, Spiders coming out of my nose?
Leona, Let me out.
Foreman," House, the test is over. Dorsolateral prefrontal cortex is fine."
House, Give me your hand.
Leona, No!
House," Give me your hand! [He bends one of her fingers back.] Forget it, he's not the perfect mark because he was the perfect mark. Plenty of people got there before you. He's used up, tainted. Pumped dry. [Leona starts to scream, because she sees House's face melt away.]"
Foreman, She's hallucinating.
Cameron," She's lost Everything, and you're breaking fingers. A new low."
House," Diagnostically, she needed to be hurt. I wanted to hurt her. Win-win. What I didn't consider was the threshold to trigger the hallucinations, otherwise I would have done the fingerbending first instead of stabbing her twice. That was cruel."
Cameron," For autoimmune diseases this advanced, usual treatment's not going to help."
Foreman," We don't Even know what autoimmune disease she has. Could be LAmbert-Eaton, could be [something]."
House, Good point. Let's kill them all at once.
Cameron, The only way to do that is to replace her entire immune system.
House, Good point. Let's do that.
Chase, Bone marrow transplant requires an exact match. Leona has no siblings.
House," Good point. She's all alone, poor thing, no one in the whole, wide world."
Jesse Baker, I asked for this tuned! Did you get this instrument tuned? [Crandall enters.]
Crandall," If my daughter needs bone marrow, why are you looking at a bone marrow registry?"
House, Because that's where they keep the bone marrow.
Crandall, I'm her father!
House, How does someone who beliEves absolutely Everything become a nonfiction writer?
Crandall, Test my bone marrow.
House," Here's how this is going to end: One day you'll be sitting at your computer writing one of your little music books, and your daughter will come home with a big, angry policeMan who will throw you in jail because, ""Daddy touched my poozle.""�"
Crandall, Test me.
House, Happy to.
Crandall," Just my marrow ""� I'm not authorizing a paternity test."
House, You're not afraid of the truth?
Crandall, I know the truth!
House," Easy lay feigns truth, and says she needs a bus ticket home to visit her sick grandma. You gave her a hundred bucks. She bought weed. I know, because I told her you'd go for the sick grandma story."
Crandall," If our friendship means anything to you ""�"
House," Come on, do you know me at all?"
Crandall," If you do the test, one of two things happens: either you're right, or I'm right. If you're right, I'll be miserable, and if I'm right, I'll hate myself because I didn't trust her! Either way, I lose."
Mother, They don't itch. Not raised. He's had his MMR; no one's sick at school. His father took him camping.
Son, We caught two spiders.
Mother, You didn't tell me about the spiders!
House, Did you get a new couch?
Mother, Do you think there might be some sort of toxin?
House, What color is it?
Son, Red.
House, Is that where you watch your cartoons after you take your bath?
Son," Mm hmm! [He wipes the kid's chest with a wet washcloth, which turns red.]"
House, Fall asleep sometimes?
Son, [sneezes] Yes.
House, Bless you. [Cuddy enters.]
Cuddy, Need you. Now.
House," Yes, mistress. I'll write you a prescription for one of these. Just wet and apply."
Cuddy, You didn't tell anyone else what I'm doing?
House, Not a soul.
Cuddy," Wilson? Cameron, maybe you mentioned it to her?"
House," No, I'm a really good secret keeper. I nEver told anyone that Wilson wets his bed."
Cuddy, Part of the protocol for in vitro fertilization is twice-daily injections of menotropins. I can't do it myself.
House, Turn around.
Cuddy, No clEver comments about bending over?
House, Not unless you want me to.
Cuddy, I'm just not used to House the professional. [House is transfixed by Cuddy's behind.]
House," I was just thinking about what your mother looked like, because your father obviously chose her for breeding purposes ""�"
Cuddy, Shut up.
House," Natural selection sucks. We pick our mates based on breast size, cars they drive!. They did autopsies on married couples and found correlations in pancreas size. We're hardwired to pick for stupid reasons, you have the chance to pick for smart reasons."
Cuddy, I think the GerMans had a similar theory about 60 years ago.
House," I'm not advocating wiping out entire races, I'm just saying you don't want to mate with the first plastic cup that buys you a drink. [All this time, he's wiping a patch with a alcohol swab.]"
Cuddy, I'm pretty sure you've got that.
House, MicRobes can be sneaky.
Cuddy, Ow! Thanks.
House, Twice a day. This is going to be fun.
Wilson, I got it. [Radiation tech leaves.] So why were you friends with this guy?
House," We were 20 years old, he had a car. If he had been a Woman, I would have married him."
Wilson, Is he a match?
House, No. Lying girl lucked out and found one in the registry.
Wilson, Is he the dad?
House, I don't think so.
Wilson, You didn't run the test?
House, Said I wouldn't.
Wilson," Okay, so either you lied or he has pictures of you! being nice?"
House, Stop the radiation. [House rushes in to find black sludge trickling out of Leona's mouth.]
Wilson, What the hell is that?
House, I have no idea.
Chase, Lab results from the black ooze. You're not going to beliEve it.
House, She pooped out of her mouth.
Cameron," The sample contained stool and digested blood, how did you guess?"
House," 'Cause it oozed; if it was in her stomach it would have sprayed, if it was in her lungs she would have coughed. This oozed, as in squeezed, as in rEverse peristalsis. Who's hungry, Mexican takeout?"
Chase, In order for there to be digested blood in her intestines there had to be internal bleeding.
Cameron," Yeah, and for whatEver in her intestines to come back up there had to be a blockage."
Foreman, Liver failure. There'd be no proteins to clot the blood so it would clot the blood and mess up her intestines.
House," Means oops, we were wrong, because no autoimmune disease shuts down an organ in two hours. We need to do a liver biopsy, find out what the real pRoblem is."
House," Hey, need to talk to you. The good news is she doesn't have an autoimmune condition, so she doesn't need a bone marrow transplant and we were able to stop the radiation in time. The bad news: she has potty mouth. Her liver is failing, she's made her digestive system go in rEverse. It's actually much worse than it sounds. We need to do a liver biopsy. I don't know what's going to happen when we stick a needle into her liver, but she could die right then and there."
Crandall, You need to tell me what to do.
House," No inside information on this one. But Crandall, three days ago you didn't Even know this girl. If she'd been hit by a bus you wouldn't lose a moment's sleep. There are people all over this hospital who are in just as much trouble and just as not related to you."
Crandall," You telling me I shouldn't care? Prep me to handle it, in case she dies?"
House," It's brown, it's lumpy! I'm going to heave all over my desk."
Wilson," Parkcken mole. 21 herbs and spices. I find it very comforting, you defending a Man you haven't seen in years. To know my friend, no matter what, will always be my champion, my protector."
House," I'm not protecting him, I'm smacking her."
Wilson, The modesty of a true hero.
House," Push me and I'll let her die, just so you'll stop annoying me."
Wilson," Here's my theory: you're jealous. He's maturing, he's accepting responsibility, you're emotionally stuck at sEventeen."
House," He's Manufacturing responsibility, he's not maturing. He hasn't changed at all."
Wilson," So then, why do you care?"
House, That black ooze we saw? That was a bowel movement. Out of her mouth.
Wilson, You're trying to end this conversation by grossing me out? I'm an oncologist. Half of my Patients have their skin sloughing off. Why are you so worried about this guy?
House," He was having a rough time with his girlfriend. He was in love, he was always in love. He wanted to marry her, but I thought she was flaky, sending mixed signals."
Wilson," So, you gave him advice and she dumped him."
House," No, I told him that I would talk to her."
Wilson, And you blew it?
House," Technically! [makes a rEversing hand gesture] I was doing him a favor, she was nuts! [Wilson leaves in disgust, leaving the food, which House eats. He turns on the music, but turns it off again. Epiphany time!]"
Foreman, Stop the biopsy.
Chase, I'm right at her liver.
Foreman, It's House. He says stop.
House, Check it out.
Foreman, Please tell me you didn't have us stop the biopsy to check out some tunes!
House," His left hand is very subtle, very deliCate."
Cameron, This girl is dying.
House, Be dying a lot faster if I let you do that obviously unnecessary biopsy. Now listen.
Jesse Baker, I asked for this tuned! Did you get this instrument tuned?
Foreman," My God! Grandpa was an angry drunk, if only we'd known!"
House," Here's how to become a great artist. First, get miserable. Misery drives you to become a great artist, but the art does nothing for your misery, which drives you to drugs, which makes you a lousy artist, and this is not lousy."
Chase, You're saying he didn't do drugs?
House, Not when he played this. Something was screwing with his personality.
Foreman," Yeah, drugs and alcohol don't do that."
House," And that note that he says is out of tune, it's not, which means that something is screwing with his aural perception, too. Now, what happens when you add all that to the liver disease, which he supposedly died of?"
Cameron," Too much iron. He could have had hemochromatosis, that's genetic."
Foreman," Unless you can tell me Miles Davis couldn't play stoned ""�"
House," Played better when he wasn't. I think, I mean, no one knows for sure."
Cameron, I'll get Leona a TIBC and serum ferritin.
House, We can test this in three minutes.
House," So, what is she, Foreman? Light-skinned black Parkck or dark-skinned white Parkck?"
Foreman, Not sure. Can we hear the music again?
Chase, It's too early to see jaundice from the liver.
House, True. This is a photograph of Leona when she was 13 years old. She's darker now.
Cameron, She's been living on the streets for eight months.
House," No tan line, so unless those streets she's been living on are indoor streets, I'm thinking she's got iron deposits in her melanin, both byproducts of hemochromatosis, just like Granddad used to make. SQUID exam to calculate the amount of iron in her blood. And treat her with deferoxamine, she'll be fine by lunch. 'Cause, you see, I was wrong before, about the breakfast!."
Foreman," There's the iron, and lots of it."
Patrick," I'm not going to get this job, am I?"
House, It's a done deal. I knew it the moment I saw you. Interview's just a formality.
Cuddy," House, what are you ""�"
House," Cuddy, this is Patrick Glidahan. Patrick's going to be the new intern rotating in my department."
Cuddy," I didn't Even know you were looking for one, nice to meet you. [He laughs, complete with snort.]"
Patrick, Sorry. I laugh when I'm nervous.
House," Bet you've been doing that your whole life, huh?"
Cuddy," What kind of medicine are you interested in, Patrick?"
Patrick," Cancer, infectious disease, the big devils. I think that medicine has become too institutionalized. We need to send a message to our Patients that we're just like them. I mean, we're all people."
House," We're all people. I like that. She's all hard science, facts. I like to know a person's hopes and dreams. What kind of music do you like, Patrick?"
Cuddy," Actually, I don't ""�"
Patrick," I'm a Mozart Man. He says what I feel, but can't express."
Cuddy, I'm late for a meeting.
House," You see, this is why the face-to-face interview is so important. You've got to know who you're getting in bed with."
Cuddy, Get him out of here.
Chase," Deferoxamine is a chelating agent. It binds to the iron, and the liver can get rid of it. Once the iron's out of the liver, it's finally evacuated from the body in the form of urine. Should be quick and painless. [Cut to a CG of a black mass breaking off, and then breaking holes in her veins.] Leona?"
Crandall, What's happening?
Chase, Crash cart! She's not getting any air. [Chase puts a tube down her throat.]
Chase," CT shows her lungs are Swiss cheese. Ventilator's helping, but at this point, her time is basically up."
House," We dEveloped a theory: hemochromatosis. Like good scientists we tested that theory, we proved that theory. We acted based on that proof and we treated her. As a result of which, she is on the verge of death. Is it just me, or have we discovered a flaw in the scientific method? Walk me through it, step-by-step. What is supposed to happen when you give someone deferoxamine?"
Cameron, It's a chelating agent.
House, What does the chelating do?
Chase, Removes excess iron from the liver.
House, How?
Chase," Iron is heavy, it gets stuck. Deferoxamine is like a lubricant. It makes the iron slick so it can move around again."
House, Moves around where?
Chase, It's supposed to be discharged through waste.
House," Her waste system is a little screwy right now, means the waste can't go where it wants to go. What if it went to the lungs?"
Foreman," WhatEver's in the lungs likes iron, bound with it, started poking holes."
House, What likes iron?
Chase," Oxygen attaches itself to iron, which increases the chance of infection."
Foreman, And when we started massive antibiotics prior to the radiation!
Cameron, Some neurodegenerative diseases like iron.
Chase," Her MRI was clean, no iron deposits on the brain."
Foreman, Fungus likes iron.
House, No objections to that one?
Chase," If a fungus is doing all this, she's dead. There are 25 anti-fungals, if we don't know which ""�"
House," When in doubt, go broad."
Cameron, Most common is Aspergillus.
House," Continue to ventilate her lungs, get her on a voriconazole drip, hope she has Aspergillus."
Cuddy," The process is confidential. You violated his privacy! How did you Even ""�"
House," I looked up 'loser' in the cryo bank. You wouldn't look within a hundred miles of that idiot, and yet you're willing to have his baby."
Cuddy," I'm not looking for a date, I'm tired of looking for a ""� ow! [House stabs her with the needle.]"
House," Cotton ball? I don't care if you marry this guy, date this guy, go through his garbage, but you should know. Genes matter. Who you are matters. Find somebody you trust."
Cuddy, Someone like you?
House, Someone you like.
Wilson," Listen, oh, sorry! [House is having his leg massaged, which from Wilson's angle looks like a different kind of service altogether.]"
House, It's not what you think.
Ingrid, I rub his leg.
Wilson," Oh, Ingrid! Hi. Okay, you feel guilty about stealing the guy's girl, I get that, and I'm glad. It's a good thing. But you did the paternity test. And either the paternity test comes back negative and you shove it in the guy's face, or it comes back positive and you shut up and your leg starts hurting."
House, Or I nEver ran the test. [Cameron enters.] Not what you think!
Cameron," Leona's lung's collapsed. The treatment's not working, we've got the wrong fungus."
House, You can stop. She ruined it.
House," Three rules for hunting fungus. Location, location, location."
Chase, Crandall says she was living in the Parkldren's shelter in Ridgeland.
House," Okay, the one thing we know for sure is she was not living in the Parkldren's shelter in Ridgeland."
Foreman, Why would he lie about that?
House," He wouldn't, if he beliEved her story about the sweet little girl trying to do the right thing."
Cameron," We can't ask Leona where she was, she's intubated."
House," Don't try to talk, you've got a big medical thing in your mouth. Just blink if you understand. [Blink.] Fantastic. Blink if you lied to Crandall about Everything. You picked up a fungus somewhere. If you were living in the shelter like you told your new daddy I got nothing to go on, and you will die. So, did you lie to Crandall? You're a lousy con artist. First rule of the game is know your mark. Once you got Crandall to bite on the poppet thing you had him. You could have told him that you were servicing Al Qaeda's suicide bombers for crack, this guy would still let you pick out the colors in your new room. Did you lie to Crandall? [Blink. House puts a pen and paper in her hands.] Where were you?"
House," And the winner is! oh, you read it, I just get so nervous at these things."
Cameron, Recording studio.
House," She read the book. She knew how much Crandall hated that place, what went on there. She overplayed her hand."
Cameron," She was desperate. If she didn't sell this, she was stuck in Hell."
Chase," Recording studio doesn't help us, medically."
House, Recording studios. Why are these buildings different from all other buildings?
Cameron," Soundproofing. Absorbs sound, also absorbs moisture."
House," Where there's moisture, a lot of it, let's say, Katrina moist, there's ""�"
Foreman, Zygomycosis. Only occurs at the highest lEvels of mold.
House, Start her on an IV drip of Amphotericin B with colony stimulating factors. She'll be fine by! dinner.
Foreman, She's going to be fine.
Crandall, She said she'd nEver go back there.
Foreman," She lied to you. She's your kid ""� get used to it."
Cuddy, Thank you for the injections.
House, You're welcome. You came all the way up here just to tell me that?
Cuddy, No. [She leaves.]
House, Pretty much normal. Liver function tests are good.
Crandall," Thanks, G-Man."
House, What makes you think you'd be a good father?
Crandall, I don't know. Feels right. It feels good.
House," Well, at least you've got a good reason."
Crandall, It feels good is a good enough reason. [Leona begins to choke.] What's happening?
House," She's choking, she can't breathe. Get him out of here, will you? Out! [grabs random instruments] Quick, the curtain! You're breathing on your own, choking's normal. I lied to him, I ran a paternity test. Your lie was a bad one. He is your dad. [to Crandall] We're Even."
s voice," Uh, your maParkne's broken, there's not Even a message. House, are you there? Okay, see you Monday, I guess. [House looks at the results of the paternity test, they're negative. He sets them next to an empty syringe.]"
ranscriber note, This episode was not big on giving names of secondary characters. All names used were found on the official Fox.com summary.]
House, He's got a temperature of 103.
Foreman, And why do we care?
House, Because we're huMan beings. It's what we do. Said he was at a luncheon meeting.
Cameron, You took his history?!
House, Guy looks like Harpo. You should see him.
Chase, You asked him what book he's currently reading.
House," It's hilarious to watch him try and talk. I asked him anything I could think of. Favorite color? ""Bwuu.""�"
House," Favorite dessert topping? [The Man, who will now be known as Vince, hesitates.] Trust me, you'll nEver know what fact may be the key to saving your life"
Vince, Whip cweam.
House, I asked him if he was sure. [Foreman packs up.] Where're you going?
Foreman, You're an ass.
House, I know. Where're you going?
Foreman," This is either a toxin, infection, or an allergic reaction. I assume you gave him Epi, so that rules out allergies. Put him on antibiotics in case it's an infection, and if it's a toxin we'll keep him here overnight, let the swelling go down, send him home. I'm going to the movies. [He starts to leave, but before he can a Man [now called Jack] enters.]"
Jack, Which one of you is House?
House, Skinny brunette.
Jack," No, that's Dr. Cameron."
House, I'm skinny. How do you know her name?
Jack, I was a Patient of yours.
House," Oh, well, if you want to leave the chocolates downstairs ""� [Jack pulls out a gun and shoots House in the side. Cameron gasps, and as House collapses against the whiteboard, the three teammates start to run toward him.]"
Jack," Stay! Stay away from him. Shocking, isn't it? Who'd want to hurt you? [Another shot is heard as the opening scene ends.]"
House," You're pathetic. [Cameron puts down her book.] Judging by the growth, I'd say I've been unconscious for two days. You've been sitting there the whole time."
Cameron, No.
House," Judging by the oily buildup in your hair, I'd say you're lying."
Cameron, I was scared. Pardon me for caring.
House, Did I lose any organs?
Cameron," The bullet to your abdomen pierced your stomach, nicked the bowel, and lodged in the posterior rib. [She pours him some water.]"
House," Well, I always say, if you're going to get shot, do it in a hospital."
Cameron," The one in your neck ""�"
House, I don't remember that one.
Cameron," -- went right through, sEvered your jugular. The shooter turns out to be a guy who ""�"
House, Don't care.
Cameron, You don't care why a guy walked into a hospital and shot a doctor? Shot you?
House, I assume his reasoning was faulty. So what was it? Infection?
Cameron," The surgery went fine. You've had no post-op ""�"
House, Not me. Patient. Harpo.
Cameron," You just got shot, House. You should rest."
House," I got shot. Diagnostically boring. Big fat tongue, on the other hand, endlessly entertaining."
Cameron, We biopsied his tongue. [Shot of said biopsy.]
House, And it was negative. And the blood tests were negative.
Cameron, I didn't say we did blood tests.
House, You don't biopsy a tongue unless you have to biopsy a tongue and you don't have to biopsy a tongue unless you've already come up with nothing on a routine battery of tests which don't involve torturing the Patient. Any other symptoms beside the increased intracranial pressure? Any guesses on how I figured that one out?
Cameron," You knew the next step would be a lumbar puncture. A lumbar puncture would almost certainly give us a definitive answer. Since we don't have a definitive answer, we must not have done an LP, and the most common reason not to do an LP is increased intracranial pressure. [While Cameron is speaking, someone is wheeled into the spot next to House's bed (because in a hospital where Every Patient gets their own room, House certainly can't!). The Patient is Jack.] He was shot by Security trying to ""� House. [House takes off the wires attaParkng him to the monitor.] Will you ""� House!"
House, I'm talking to Cuddy.
Cameron," Lie down, you've got to be in pain!"
House," [as he's walking out with his IV] Not today, today I'm on morphine."
Cameron, [following him out] You're gonna rip your stitches out.
House, Check Harpo's trash.
Cameron, Forget about the Patient!
House," Come on, you're curious. Trash. You don't know what I'm talking about, but you know it's good."
Cameron, You can't just be walking around.
House," Well, then, stop me."
Cameron," You've lost blood ""�"
House," Physically, stop me."
Cameron," You could damage ""�"
House," You can't, because that would involve touParkng me and then things would get so sexually charged ""� [Cameron physically stops him. Oh, how things are! sexually charged?] I'm twice your size, get your hands off me."
Cameron," Everything that lives, eats; Everything that eats, poops: that's why Every organ has a sanitation department, a lymph system. WhatEver's doing the damage is dumping its waste in there. That's what you meant by trash."
House, Biopsy the lymph node under the jaw.
Cuddy," Sorry, I know it's crazy, but there's no other place. The ICU stands for intensive care, he needs intensive care, so do you."
House, He needs to be shot again.
Cuddy," He is handcuffed to his bed, he is sedated, he is not gonna hurt you."
House, If your security was any good I wouldn't have been shot in the first place. [He fiddles with the morphine drip.]
Cuddy, He is where he's supposed to be. Where you're supposed to be.
House, Who did my surgery?
Cuddy," Gillick. Why, you're going to send him a fruit basket?"
House, He screwed up.
Cuddy, It's annoying enough dealing with your Vicodin habit. Quit upping your morphine.
House, I'm not. I'm reducing it.
Cuddy, And you're not in pain?
House, I'm feeling better.
Cuddy," Gillick is very good. Your recovery time ""�"
House," My stomach kills me, my neck is thRobbing, my leg feels better."
Cuddy, That's amazing.
House," It's unbelievable. Since getting shot is not an FDA-approved treatment for anything, it means something must have gone wrong in the surgery."
Cuddy," Yes. Terribly, tragically wrong. Enjoy the mistake."
House," He must have nicked something in my peripheral nervous system. If it's alleviating pain, who knows what else it's doing."
Cuddy, Get back to the ICU before you rip out your stitches and I have to chain you to your bed.
House, Why did you try to kill me?
Jack, I didn't.
House, Then the gun thing might have been a mistake.
Jack," If I'd've killed you it would have been over. I need you to live because I want to see you suffer. [House, in response, unplugs Jack's drip.]"
Foreman," Whoa, get the needle out of there. [The monitors beep.]"
Chase, He can't breathe. [They start to prep him for a tracheostomy.]
Cameron, House. The test was negative.
Chase, Are you sure you want to be doing this?
House," I'm fine, I think. Cameron, you got my records?"
Cameron, They don't like to release Patients' operative notes.
House, And yet you're holding them. And whispering.
Cameron, He's sleeping.
House, Yeah. Killer needs his rest. Otherwise he's grumpy all day. [House bangs on Jack's bed with his cane.] Hey! Wake up! Watch me save a life!
Foreman," Almost for sure it's some sort of infection. We've got him on broad-spectrum antibiotics, but it's not Even slowing the thing down. Unless we find out what type of infection, we can't treat, and we can't figure out what type because we can't do an LP."
House, Do an LP. [to Jack] See what I did there? Couldn't have done that if you killed me.
Foreman," We would have done an LP two days ago if we could have but that much pressure! something's bound to go ""�"
Chase, We would have done an LP two days ago if the risks hadn't so obviously outweighed the benefits. We just cut a hole in his throat. The equation has changed.
House," Couldn't have put it better myself. [They leave, and House is left to his notes.]"
Foreman, Pressure is 120 mL H20 with small visible excursions related to respiration and pulse.
Chase," Well, within normal. That's good."
Foreman," No, that's weird."
Jack, You wanna hear a story?
House," I have a rule. People who shoot me forfeit the right to ""�"
Jack, My wife was sick. None of the doctors could figure out why.
House," Oh, I know this story. She died, so you selected one of her doctors to kill because that would make Everything right again."
Jack," No, she lived. You cured her."
House, I'm truly sorry I did that.
Jack," In the course of investigating her illness, you convinced me that Everything was relevant. You needed the truth. I confessed to you that I had had an affair. But it turns out it had nothing to do with why she was sick. Genetic predisposition to brain aneurysms. You told her that. You also told her about my affair."
House, You caught crap. She left you. Now I've gotta pay because you couldn't keep your little Killer in you pants.
Jack, She killed herself. [A long pause.]
House, What sort of hospital has glass walls?
Woman, It's my husband.
House, Really?
Woman, You thought I just liked watParkng people get needles poked in their back?
House," No, I just figured a co-worker or sister, not wife."
Woman, Why?
House," Don't worry, it's not insulting. At least, not to you. You're satisfied with that answer?"
Woman," You're Dr. House, aren't you?"
House," You're not going to shoot me, are you?"
Woman," You treated a friend of mine. She told me you only talk to people if you have to, and then you insult them while showing off how insightful you are."
House," SEvens marry sEvens, nines marry nines, fours marry fours. Maybe there's some wiggle room if there's enough money or if somebody got pregnant. But you've got at least three points on your husband and your frock says he didn't do it for the money and your breasts say you haven't had any kids."
Woman, So you figure my marriage is a mathematical error.
House, Numbers don't lie. We're having trouble finding out what infection your husband has. The most likely culprit is an STD.
Woman, You want to know if I've had an affair with someone closer to my integer and I have to tell you the truth or my husband will die.
House, Is your friend single?
Woman, No. But I've always been faithful.
Foreman," Wow. I would have bet money something would go wrong. Let's rotate him back. [They rotate him, and notice his left eye is red.] He's bleeding into his ocular orbit."
Chase," LP wouldn't do this. Lots of pressure behind, got to reliEve it. [The eye starts to bug out, and pop out of its socket. Ew.]"
Woman, What's going on? What are they doing?
House," I should go. [His hand is bloody, and there is blood on his Robe.] I seem to have torn my stitches. [He collapses on the floor.]"
Jack, You collapsed in the hall. Tore your stitches.
House, I remember. I was there.
Jack, How's your gut? It's hurting?
House, You shoot the guy who sold her the gun?
Jack, She locked herself in the garage and she started the car.
House, You shoot the guy who sold her the garage door opener? [Jack smirks.] You're an ass.
Jack, Now that is a bold position to take given that I shot you.
House, The shooting just makes you an idiot. You're an ass because you're trying to wrap it in a flag like you did a good thing.
Jack," You're an ass and a hypocrite. You don't beliEve in rules, you do whatEver you think is right! it's all I did. You were my role model."
House," Watch out, you're getting crumbs on the flag. I didn't commit to honor her, I didn't commit to nEver lie to her."
Jack," Well, if you kept your mouth shut, she'd be alive and you wouldn't be shot."
House," If you kept your pistols in your pants ""�"
Jack," It's my fault she's dead! I know it. But why can't you admit it's maybe just a little bit yours, too? That maybe it's not just medical mistakes that screw things up?"
House," Here's how life works. You either get to ask for an apology, or you get to shoot people. Not both."
House, Infections don't make your eyes pop out.
Chase, We should get back. You're supposed to be chained to your bed.
House, Not done eating. Got to be some sort of bleeding disorder.
Cameron, This is really stupid.
House," Look, my stitches pop out again, I got three doctors to save me. Could be some sort of weakness in the lining of the ocular veins. [The team is silent.] Okay, I'll be you guys. [in an Australian accent] ""No way, mate! Too much blood to just be a vein! No way hizzy! If it was an artery, he'd still be bleeding!""� [And now on to Cameron] ""Actually, he'd be dead.""�"
Cameron," He could have had a granuloma in his sinuses that bled, that could have been caused by Wegener's."
Chase, You think the surgeon would have noticed a giant growth while sticking the eyeball back in.
House," Tongue and eyes are sick. What about the nose? It's right in between, why isn't it sick?"
Foreman," So it's not spreading, it's got a common source."
House, Which can only be what?
Foreman," The brain, except the CT was clean."
House," Check the brain's trash, see what it's hiding."
Chase, The brain doesn't have a lymph system.
House," I know, all its garbage just gets caught in the snow fence by the side of the road."
Foreman, You're referring to the blood-brain barrier.
House, What else? Biopsy the barrier.
Cameron, Wouldn't it be safer to make a few eduCated guesses first? Try some relatively safe treatments?
House," Biopsy the barrier, first start him on mebendazole in case it's a worm."
Foreman, And Levofloxacin in case it's an infection slipped by the first antibiotic.
Chase, And azithromycin for STDs.
House," I really don't think the wife is the kind to be messing around. If I was married to her I certainly wouldn't ""�"
Cameron," House. The Patient isn't married, he's a widower."
Wilson," Really, it's more helpful if you do the prescribed rehab yourself."
House," My body is fine. [He's looking over the operation notes again.] My mind, on the other hand ""�"
Wilson, Maybe she was a girlfriend. Maybe she was just trying to jerk you around.
House," Spoke to Every nurse on that floor, the Patient only had six visitors. Two females, no babes. His mother and his aunt."
Wilson, So they missed someone. They're not Security.
House, My posse nEver saw her or me talking on the other side of the glass.
Wilson, They were a little busy trying to save the guy's life.
House," There's only one possible conclusion. It was a hallucination. What does that look like to you, a .6? [He holds the chart up to Wilson.]"
Wilson," Anesthesia? No, it's gotta be 6 smudge. Let's say you're right. It wouldn't be that uncommon after trauma, after that much blood loss."
House, My perceptions are compromised and my judgment is compromised. What if his wife told me that the Patient just got bit by a rabid Vietnamese leopard?
Wilson, So pull yourself off the case.
House, And the next case?
Wilson, You take two weeks. You recover.
House, And what if I don't? What if it wasn't the shooting?
Wilson, The guy who sees connections between Everything sees no connection between being shot and minor brain disruption?
House, What if it was the surgery?
Wilson, What if it was the fact that you tore out your stitches and lost two pints of blood?
House, Why did Gillick give me ketamine during my surgery?
Cuddy, Working.
House, We need to talk.
Cuddy, Get back to the ICU. Who uncuffed you?
House, Why would a surgeon administer ketamine?
Cuddy, Who showed you your surgical file?
House, How do you know it's mine?
Cuddy, Because your Patient hasn't had surgery and you don't care about anyone else.
House," My anesthesia was almost non-existent, and yet I wasn't awake. For some reason, someone decided to put me in a dissociative coma instead of just putting me out."
Cuddy," There are plenty of reasons to use ""�"
House," Fine, I'll go beat the truth out of my surgeon. Gillick, right? [He stalks off. Cuddy notices that, while he is carrying his cane, he isn't using it to walk, and isn't Even limping much.]"
Cuddy," It worked! [House turns.] There's a clinic in GerMany, they've been treating chronic pain by inducing comas and letting the mind basically reboot itself. There's about a fifty percent chance your pain will come back, which, of course, means there's a fifty percent chance that it won't."
House, You had no right!
Cuddy, To heal you?!
House, You messed with my brain!
Cuddy," Why are you so upset? Are you experiencing any neurological symptoms? Dizziness, tremors, hallucinations?"
House, No. It's a point of principle.
Foreman, Test was negative.
Cameron, No trash against the fence. Is your leg really better?
House," Don't worry, I'm sure something else is wrong."
Chase, We did find blood.
House, On which side?
Chase, The wrong side.
House, The first thing that makes sense.
Chase," The wrong side's the wrong side, it can't make sense."
Cameron," It could mess with his brain, it wouldn't cause fEver. [looking at Jack] He's been sleeping a lot lately."
House," You worried? I marked a change of meds on his chart. [and back to Vince] Foreign object, body wants to get rid of it, causes the fEver."
Cameron, Blood is a foreign object?
Foreman," In the brain lining, it is. Blood dyscrasia means cancer."
House, Find it.
Cameron," All the tests ""�"
House," Have been negative. What do you do if your trash cans are full? You use your neighbor's trash cans. Except it's still light outside, your neighbor will see you. So you go out the back way, into an alley and drop off your trash by their garage."
Chase, We'll check the lymphatic system in the chest.
House, You got that from trash cans in the alley?
Chase, The saliva glands in the tongue are connected to the lymphatic system in the lungs. It's the next lymphatic system over.
House, Yeah. Go get lung lymph. [The team leaves.]
Jack, How did he know that?
House, I wouldn't have hired him if he wasn't smart.
Jack, Right. 'Cause you've got nothing but respect for him. Maybe he knew the answer because the question wasn't nearly as tricky as you thought. Maybe he's not getting smarter. You're getting dumber.
Jack," You pretend to buck the system, pretend to be a rebel, claim to hate rules. [We see that House is pretending to sleep throughout this.] But all you do is substitute your own rules for society's. That's a nice, simple rule ""� tell the blunt, honest truth in the starkest, darkest way. And what will be, will be. What will be, should be. And Everyone else is a coward. But you're wrong. Someone cowardly should not call someone an idiot. People aren't tactful or polite just because it's nice. They do it because they've got an ounce of humility. Because they know that they will make mistakes, and they know that their actions have consequences, and they know that those consequences are their fault. Why do you want so badly not to be huMan, House? [Cameron and Foreman enter and see House looking asleep.] Oh, he's awake."
Cameron," House, we need to talk to you."
House, How the hell did you know I was awake?
Jack, Your nostrils flare when you sleep.
House, No they do not.
Jack," Fine, I'm lying."
House, Test was negative.
Cameron, You knew?
House, Force of habit.
Foreman," Showed no cancer, no reason why he's got a fEver of 103 and no reason why his tongue won't fit in his mouth."
Cameron," He's post-op, Chase is getting him up and around."
Chase," It's important that you're up ASAP after surgery. Think you can urinate? [He leads Vince to the bathroom and waits outside the door. Vince grunts in pain, and looks down.]"
Vince," [jumbled, of course] It's getting bigger!"
Chase," What, you're getting aroused?"
Vince," No, not that way! [He yells, and talks indecipherably. Chase bends down to look at the pRoblem, and something explodes. Vince collapses.]"
Chase, Surgeons found no evidence of a burst artery.
House, The blood had to come from somewhere. You took a shower in it.
Chase, Trauma?
House," You think someone snuck in here just to kick him in the jewels and poke out his eye and swell up his tongue? Keep riding, I've got a bet with my physio that I can do 100 clicks by Friday. What about blood from the kidneys? [They all stare at him.]"
Cameron," Kidneys drain into the bladder which drains into the ureter, there's no way it would mess with the scrotum."
House," Yeah, basic huMan anatomy. Therefore, I think it's safe to assume that the pRoblem lies elsewhere. But given that this case doesn't make any kind of sense whatsoEver maybe we should Even question the basics."
Chase, Maybe he's not huMan.
House," An anatomical defect would seem more likely, but let's not rule that one out."
Foreman," Even more likely, he is huMan, his anatomy is where it's supposed to be, but he has testicular cancer."
Cameron, We tested for cancer.
Foreman, We tested the lymph system in his chest.
Chase, Surgeon found no growths.
Foreman," Surgeon was trying to put Everything back where it was, he wasn't look! [the sounds tunes out]"
Wilson," You may have been lucky. You don't catch testicular cancer early, it kills. PRobably eroded some vessel ""�"
House," Yeah, yeah, I know. Question is why I didn't think of it."
Wilson, Eyes popping out is a rather odd presentation.
House," Sac blowing up, on the other hand!"
Wilson, If you could think of Everything yourself you wouldn't need a team to annoy.
House, I screwed up some basic anatomy and I'm misconnecting a testicular explosion with a testicular pRoblem. Think there's any way I would have done that before Cuddy messed with my brain?
Wilson, She was trying to help you and it worked.
House," Yeah, I can run like the wind, but I can't think. Seeing as how I'm too old to become a professional athlete, she screwed me over, big time. [They move to the hallway.]"
Wilson, You don't want a healthy leg.
House," Oh, here we go."
Wilson," If you've got a good life, you're healthy, you've got no reason to bitch, no reason to hate life."
House," Well, here's the flaw in your argument: if I enjoy hating life, I don't hate life, I enjoy it."
Wilson," I didn't say it was rational. [They stop walking.] HIV testing is ninety-nine percent accurate, which means there are some people who test positive, who live with their own impending doom for months or years before finding out Everything's okay. Weirdly, most of them don't react with happiness, or Even anger. They get depressed, not because they wanted to die, but because they've defined themselves by their disease. Suddenly, what made them 'them' isn't real."
House, I don't define myself by my leg.
Wilson," No, you have taken it one step further. The only way you could come to terms with your disability was to some way make it mean nothing. So you had to redefine Everything. You have dismissed anything physical, anything not coldly, calculatingly intellectual."
House, Why are you protecting her?
Wilson, Because she's done nothing wrong?
House, You're completely comfortable with what she did to me?
Wilson," Yeah, I am. Yeah."
House, You agonize over moral choices. You aren't completely comfortable with anything until you've taken days to get your head around Every possible side. I've known what she did for six hours. How come you're acting like you've known for days?
House, What do I have?!
Cuddy," You're not sick ""�"
House, What do I have?!?
Cuddy," You need to calm down ""�"
House, I have my brain. That's it!
Wilson, We were trying to help you!
House," Yeah, nobody tries to screw up, they just do!"
Cuddy," You were out of control, you were shooting morphine ""�"
House, I can make people better! And you decide to trade that for jogging shoes!
Wilson," If you're suffering from side effects then we can look at that and ""�"
House," You value the physical so much, let me put this in terms you understand! [He punches Wilson in the jaw.]"
Wilson," You're unbelievable. Even when you're out of your mind with anger and fear, you still couch it in logical terms. Are you hallucinating?"
House," Yeah, I'm hallucinating!"
Wilson," No, I mean right now. [His voice starts to morph into Jack's.] Are you hallucinating?"
House," How did you know I was ""�"
Jack, You were yelling at me. You were calling me Wilson.
House, No.
Jack," You're losing it, House."
House, I nEver called Wilson by his name.
Jack," Oh, yeah, right. The hallucinator is going to tell the hallucinatee what happened."
House," You're not the hallucinatee, Wilson was the hallucinatee."
Jack, You think maybe you're focusing on the wrong thing here?
House," Cuddy's office was the hallucinatee, the bathroom was the hallucinatee."
Jack, Ah. Bathroom. It figures.
House, What figures?
Jack, You wet your bed.
House, Damn it. [He tries to hide it as the team enters. They don't notice it at all.]
Cameron, Test was negative.
House, No.
Foreman, Efp and beta HGG say no testicular cancer.
House," So, let's recap. We've just ruled out Everything, which doesn't make sense, and the answer has to be something that does make sense. Do a cystoscopy, make sure he's huMan."
Chase, Test was negative.
House, For him being huMan?
Chase," Everything was right where it was supposed to be, all the tubes go where they're supposed to go."
Foreman," Most likely scenario is some kind of bacterial prostatitis. [House looks up the stairs, walks up them.]"
House," Hmm. Find out if his father hunched? [And down the stairs.] His father have trouble peeing? [And up, and down and up.] His father have sex with his own mother? The answer to any of these questions, if yes, assume you're right. If the answer's no, assume you're right, but biopsy some prostate lymphs just to make sure."
Cameron," But then we'd have to cut through his stomach, and since he's clearly got a bleeding pRoblem, this kind of surgery might ""�"
Foreman, He doesn't clearly have anything.
House, How did I get here?
Chase, What are you talking about?
House," I was in the ICU, and then I was coming down these stairs with you guys. What happened in between? I don't remember how I got here."
House, I'm taking myself off my case.
Cuddy," Your Patient's in critical care, he's had a fEver unabated for two ""�"
House, I think I'm losing my mind. I'm having blackouts.
Cuddy," You said you weren't having any ""�"
House, I lied.
Cuddy," If you are doing this to scare me, you made your point. Next time you get shot, I promise to only treat the bullet wounds."
House, I'm off the case. [as he turns to leave] Why did you jump up when I came in?
Cuddy, I thought you were going to attack me again.
House, Again?
Cuddy," Yeah, you were in my face. You were ""�"
House," No, I wasn't."
Cuddy," You came in here with Wilson and ""�"
House," That was a hallucination ""�"
Cuddy," No, you ""�"
House, -- which means this is a hallucination.
House," How can I tell what's real and what's not? Everything looks the same, sounds the same, tastes the same."
Jack, Seems like I'd be the last person you'd want to ask.
House," Why not? You're obviously not here. I'm obviously not here, which means this is a creation of my mind, which means I'm really just asking my mind."
Jack," You're talking to yourself, there's a lot of unnecessary explanation."
House," Hey, I'm trying to work this out. That requires give and take, Even in my own mind."
Jack," All right, what was the question?"
House, How can I tell what's real?
Jack, Does it matter?
House, That doesn't sound like something I'd ask.
Jack," All right, your concern is that if you act in the real world based on information that's not real, the results are impossible to foresee."
House, With you so far.
Jack," But information is incapable of harm in and of itself. Ideas are neither good nor bad, but merely as useful as what we do with it. Only actions can cause harm."
House, That sounds like me.
Jack," So you do nothing, you refrain from taking any actions. Continue to throw out your ideas as you always would, but if they're based on faulty assumptions your team will point that out. They won't do anything that could hurt him."
House, So I trust my team.
Chase, Test was negative.
Cameron, No blood in the prostate.
Foreman, No structural abnormalities.
House," Something doesn't make sense. What does that mean? It's not rhetorical. I need your input on Everything I ask, no matter how obvious it might seem."
Foreman, It means you're wrong.
House," It means one of your assumptions is wrong, because if something doesn't make sense it can't be real. So what are our assumptions?"
Foreman," We don't have any, we're just guessing and testing."
Cameron, We assume the tests are right.
Chase," We've already redone them, twice."
House, Let's go more basic.
Foreman, What's more basic than the test results?
House, Tests themselves. What does a biopsy consist of?
Chase," You take a sample ""�"
House, Define sample.
Chase," It's a small, representative piece of whatEver you think is the pRoblem."
House," You go down the shore, you fill a cup with water. It's got no fish in it. Does that mean no fish in the ocean?"
Cameron, We can do another biopsy?
House," We can fill another cup of water, but we've gotta dive in. We've gotta see what's actually in there."
Chase," We can't operate, he's got a bleeding pRoblem."
Foreman, We assume he's got a bleeding pRoblem.
Chase," Yeah, because he bled from where he wasn't supposed to bleed, causing parts of his body to blow up! Assuming that crazy assumption is correct, we operate on him, we'll kill him."
House, What if we could find a way of doing the surgery without giving him more than a papercut?
Vince, You want to let a Robot operate on me?
Cameron," The technology is amazing. It magnifies Everything ten times, it's ten times the accuracy."
Vince," No way, I want a person!"
Cameron," A person will be controlling the ""�"
House," People suck. People have turned you from a guy with a swollen tongue into a guy with one guy, one ball and a stapled-on face. If you want someone to hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night, choose warm and soft. If you want someone to write you a poem, pick the sensitive loner. If all you care about is that something's done right, pick the guy with the metal head."
Vince, No way.
House," No way no way. You've gotta see this thing in action before you say ""no way.""� Come on. [He helps Vince to sit up.]"
Cameron," House, what are you doing?"
House," Nothing. I'm not doing anything. Just throwing out ideas. I think you should put him in a wheelchair and take him down to the OR, but I may be out of my mind."
House," Relax, Cameron. I'm not going to cut you. I just want to show what this puppy can do. I can make one millimeter incisions. You know how small that is? Small Even in metric. [to Vince] If I do something that doesn't make sense, Even to you, stop me. [He moves the tweezer hand down to stroke Cameron's cheek.] DeliCate, no? [He then lifts up the hem of her shirt and uses the air hand to blow air into her belly button. And then he cuts off a button on her blouse, peeling part of the shirt away to rEveal her bra."
Cameron, House.
House, Does that hurt. [Cameron shakes her head.] Seen enough?
Vince, No.
House," That wasn't a question. You either do this, or you die."
Jack, You've wasted your life.
House, Yeah. If only I'd dediCated my life to finding someone worthy to shoot.
Jack," If I'd've killed you, would it have mattered?"
House, Not to me. [House is searParkng for a pen to write on the board with.]
Jack, You don't care whether you live or die?
House," I care because I live. I can't care if I'm dead. [He moves to the wall, dragging the bed with him because he's still chained to it.]"
Jack, I don't want to hear seMantics.
House, You anti-seMantic bastard.
Jack," Would anybody care that the world lost that wit? [As Jack speaks, House writes on the glass board with a white marker.]"
House," Working, here."
Jack," That's all right, you don't have to say anything. Just let me soak into your subconscious. You think that the only truth that matters is the truth that can be measured. Good intentions don't count, what's in your heart doesn't count, caring doesn't count, that a Man's life can't be measured by how Many tears are shed when he dies. It's because you can't measure them. It's because you don't want to measure them. Doesn't mean it's not real."
House, [looking at his makeshift whiteboard] That does not make sense.
Jack," And Even if I'm wrong, you're still miserable. Did you really think that your life's purpose was to sacrifice yourself and get nothing in return? No. [As Jack speaks, we see House in a car with the Woman he was speaking to earlier. The car is in a smoke-filled garage.] You beliEve there is no purpose to anything. Even the lives you save you dismiss. You turn the one decent thing in your life and you taint it, strip it of all meaning. You're miserable for nothing. I don't know why you'd want to live."
House, I'm sorry. I know what's wrong.
Cameron," House, get out of here! You're not sterile!"
House, He'll be fine.
Chase, Great. What's he got?
House," How come you guys have nEver tried to yank me off this case? I'm having hallucinations, blackouts."
Foreman," But you're always insane, and you're always right."
House," I'm almost always Eventually right. You have no way of knowing when 'Eventually' is. Every time I've had an epiphany on this one you guys were right on board. No challenges, nothing to explain. No offense, but either you guys are getting smarter or I'm getting dumber."
Chase," We've worked with you long enough to know ""�"
House, I know the test results Even before you enter the room. We have identical knowledge. How is that possible?
Cameron, You're wrong.
House," Something doesn't make sense. One of your assumptions has to be wrong, because if something doesn't make sense then it can't be real. But what if the faulty assumption is that it's real?"
Foreman," House, you're losing it."
House, I've lost it. [He starts to move his hand toward the Robot controls; Chase grabs it.] Why did you stop me?
Chase, Because I think you're going to kill him.
House," You don't think that. You know it, because you're in my head. As long as the delusion makes sense my mind lets it go on. To make it not make sense I have to push it past the point where it can trick my mind. [He grabs the controls.]"
Foreman," Hey, hey! This is a nightmare, you're gonna wake up. It's real, you're killing a Man!"
House," It's also possible I may already be dead, but I don't beliEve in the afterlife."
Cameron," House, go back to your room. If this is a hallucination, it's a good one: you're pain free, you can walk ""�"
House," This is not real, therefore it's meaningless. I want meaning. [He stabs Vince in the bellybutton, and makes a deep incision up to about his stomach. Organs force their way out of his chest. He flatlines quickly. As the team looks on horrified, House walks toward Vince.] Oh, God. [Vince's hand falls down, and out drops a bullet. House picks it up and clutches it.] Goodbye."
Foreman, He was shot!
Cameron, Twice!
Chase," Once in the abdomen, once in the neck."
House, Hello.
Cameron, It's going to be okay. You're going to be okay.
House, You don't know that. Tell Cuddy I want ketamine.