Datasets:

Cossale

/

ady

like 0

Lonely mornings, Busy nights. The stars twinkling in sheer delight Mocking the girl on the edge of the cliff, She thinking for one reason to live. The dark dike seems to pull her towards it, As if offering,'your pain will be over in a bit'. The life on the other side, Whispering into her ear, that everything will be alright. The death overbearing her will to live, Dieing everyday, or die at once? And once again a beautiful life into darkness wept, Expecting to be in a better place than the world she left.

She cries and cries, Her eyes full of demise. And she wants to stop, Reminding herself how tough she is, But the sobbing goes on, As she abruptly presses her hand hard against her lips, Taking deep breaths in-sync suppressing the pain As it makes its way through the dark cirles of her eye lane, The pearl absorbing itself into the white pillow As she slowly wins the fight, Darkness gathers around her eyes, And comforts her into a better world for the night.

A kite I am, Made of just paper and sticks, I am tossed into the sky, To reach heights and cut others of my kind, I stay still, And move in the direction of the wind, And sometimes I want to reach higher above the sky But the strings, They pull me back the more I try, Realising the flight isn't my own, I sigh. Let me go, and set me free I say to the other of my kind As they help me Cutting away those strings that pull me back. I fall down and down, Happy though, As this fall I am having Is my very own, I smile as the wind blows me away to some random place, And I retire to the ground of some unknown valley with grace.

The fan on the ceiling was a matter of interest. The arrangement consisted of me and my brother being the veggie in the sandwich of mom and dad. I wonder if that was the reason I don't have any other sibling because we did a perfect job of being the kabab in the haddi, plus we were pain in the ass. No doubts in that. At times I would lay on the bed like an octopus, having my hands and legs all around the bed, just admiring the fan. How it revolved so fast and speedy. I would sometimes try to count the turns but then the fan went too fast. Sometimes I would just turn the switch on and off to see how the hook of the fan made a movement and made a click sound. It was the winters when the house maid did the discovery of the fan not working anymore when she switched it on, for the wet floor.The fan had no respect in winters hence, the matter wasn't look upon. That year the summers came early, so now the fan was required. Dad was a super genius, he would manage to get things working with the standard twelve knowledge of science he had. But this time, his knowledge failed and a proper electrician(mistri uncle as we called him) was called for. Mistri Uncle not only made the fan work on the touch of his screwdriver, but also gave it a tinge of modification. But now it had some issues. ~issue no. 1: It would run faster than ever. ~if you're wondering why issue no.1 is a issue, here's issue number 2: The regulator won't work. The fan would look murderous to me now. It was so speedy now that everytime a wave of wind came, it would shake crazy and make me think it is going to fall. In our sandwich arrangement the three foot me, couldn't sleep. I would keep asking Dad if the fan would fall. He would just tell me to shut my mouth and sleep. Unfortunately, shutting my mouth won't shut my thoughts. If the fan fell, will I loose my hand or my legs? Or eyes? No no not eyes! Would I be able to call the ambulance if the fan fell? Wait! What's the number of the ambulance? I would have asked Dad if he wasn't snoring already. If the fan fell, will it kill brother? Woah then I can have the television all for myself! Naah naah that's a sinful thought, I love my brother. He's a bastard though. Why is the fan's speed increasing? I am dead. Harpes playing, me ascending through the stairs of heaven (the same tom went into). Me:l Was I a good human? Haddi mera baddi: Fuck off! You're just dreaming. Me: Shh don't use bad words. I will tell mom.

Is it just me, or is it the sky, Grieving with my grief and pain Or the citylights, Shining in the dark Telling me 'uhh it's okay to be in the dark, but remember to shine soon'. .

Who are you? Are you the sunlight peeking through my curtains, Trying to wake me up, Forcing me for a fresh start. Who are you? Are you the little kid in me, Who wants to have Chocolates and candies for a birthday treat. Who are you? Are you the blue sky, Weaving me dreams of the world more to discover, Dreams of flying higher until I finally disappear into the mist. Who are you? Are you the pillow under my head, Who knows all the pains I am trying to forget. Who are you? Are you the lonely star in the galaxy, Trying to tell me, I am not the only one left behind in this universe. Who are you? Are you the beautiful rain, Touching my cheeks gently, As you wipe away my pain. Who are you? Are you my diary, Hidden deep inside my closet, That knows me better than I know myself. Who are you? Are you the moon, Which follows me sometimes, Accompanying me through, When am out in the night. Who are you? Are you the citylights? The lights that look serene in the dark, Making me stop for a bit to remark. Who are you? I want to know, Cause you're around my head wherever I go.

Lead me on, will you? I no more know my way back to the valley, A hand and a lamp is all it takes, Hold me tight, Tight enough to form a vacuum, Cause the roads is slippery all the way. Dance with me, will you? The stardust over our shoulders And your hand in mine With the fireflies cheering us to this night And it feels better than the daylight. Will you be my sky? I want to notic e every color of you, Be you the shiny day,a beautiful shade of blue Or the grey sky, the rain doplets resting on leaves like dew. Love me, will you? And lead me through.

I see you everywhere, From the morning coffee To the late nights, until I am drunk with beer.

I have seen this girl in school, big glasses and oily skin, some pimples adding to the beauty. She sits alone all the time. Her nose into the book she reads all the time. Sometimes it’s a green diary which says ‘believe in yourself’ but I don’t really think that makes any change. Her eyes are silent as if she’s burring a storm within. She laughs like an idiot sometimes, looks cute though, cause she is more happy inside the book seeing Jacob doing comedy for Bella, than the world outside. I bet she thought they’ll end up together. She seems this romantic type. Her eyes would sometimes travel around the room, seeing everyone happy in their own loom. It seems like she’s always searching for something. Even the moment when she’s with some of her friends, she seems lost, I wonder if you ever noticed that. The way her spectacles always slide down through the bridge of her nose ,or is it just a way she tries to look busy and happy. She is happy though, in the world of her own, but it doesn’t help her from escaping the reality. I am unsure of whether she is trying to show the world that she doesn’t give a damn or she’s just trying to reassure herself that she is ‘happy’ alone. She reaches home and just falls on the bed, staring at the fan as if it is the most interesting kind of revolutions of the blades. In the evening she gets up, dresses into black t-shirt tucked in the black jeans, black is definitely her colour. Walking through the streets, embracing everything she can see, kids playing, the old aunties chattering, teenagers hanging around. And the thing that hurts her the most, was never being understood. Pretending was never easy. Is it? And I think that’s what her eyes look around for in the room. Someone who can really understand her . A lover? Not necessary. Just someone who cares, someone who stays , a constant. And for all of you who think, I am this crazy stalker. Well I am not. I am the person she’s always searching for. Someone who cares. A constant.(just a small flaw ,she doesn’t know me yet). Well now I definitely sound like a stalker. Never mind.

Lone. It's past midnight, as I walk through this empty street. The sky at it's darkest shade of black, and the streets made of bricks and pebbles. The surroundings empty and silent, and the only voice of my boots thrashing on the stone pebbles and my own breath. The moon gleaming it's dim light through the dark path, being the only source of light, in this night. I hitch my coat tighter, tightening the buckle around my waist, to prevent the cold without from entering my system. I hear something walking with me.A person maybe? I turn around to realize a man, standing in a rag jacket and black teeth, lighting a cigar through his long fingers, smiling slyly at me. He glances at me from up to down, without any movement.I could feel my backbone shiver, from cold or fear I am yet to know. I walk fast now, the sound of my steps almost resonanting with the sound of my heart beat. He does the same, walks faster and faster with my pace. And now I realize it's time to run. I run now as the best I could, gripping my frock up so that I don't stumble. This time, the sandals, betray my trust as I fall down on the stony street. I could hear the footsteps nearing me as I have held my breath tight, I want to move, get up and run but I feet refuse to move, as I feel this searing pain around my ankles. When I open my eyes, it's the morning light, and with my astonishment I am on this bed, as soft as the dove's feather. I move to get up soon to realize the agonizing pain around my ankles. A lady walks in the room, with a bowl in her tray. Daughter, we found you as cold as ice sleepbounded on our threshhold. I made some soup, would you want to try?

'Universe' Ever thought how amazing it would be if you can get into one's mind? And know it's a universe of thoughts, memories. Happiness and pains. And it's like a movie worth watching sometimes. Knowing a person to the fullest is close to impossible, cause there and unlimited shades of a single person. You never know, what you're capable of.

During the trojan wars, it's said that that if you disrespect the Gods they curse you. I have read a book named 'Troy' in which Aphrodite just because she got bored, made people fall in love-that are technically enemies and not neccessary with each other. Sometimesshe would bind people in love triangles. The idea is so wonderful in itself. Ever wondered about the possibility? Like you're cursed to fall in love with someone and not get the same love back?? Never thought? Think about it.

Once she danced in the melody of her dreams, Like a butterfly in the sweet garden of wishes, Humming to her favourite song. She wanted to dance with the wind and sleep with the stars, But the thread tied to her leg Pull her back everytime she tried to go further, In the end she retired to her faith. But she still danced like a butterfly , This time in the graveyard of her dreams Until death cradled her into his arms. But still she danced, free this time.

I wonder if the star around the south corner that I can always admire through my bedroom window knew me, and he always felt lonely. I knew it, because I was lonely as well. Did it ever feel jealous when everyone was busy talking about the moon? Was that the reason it disappeared this one day? No no shh.. there got to be more reasons to it, untold and unseen, hidden under some closet like my diary, things that just he knows. And now maybe, we'll never know.Did he knew he was loved? Maybe not. Cause actions count right? Maybe my voice never reached.But he was supposed to know.

People don't change, They just show their true self- with time. It's just that when you're in love, we ignore the flaws and look on to the beautiful side. We ignore the worst, and it looks like a fairy tale. The world isn't a fairytale after all. It's dark, hopeless and uncertain with nothing real in it to cling. So be truthful to one another. Cause fairytales end soon. Forever is a myth. Nothing lasts forever itself. You need to make it last.

There's this time, you're just living. You have an empty mind which is basically a house for demons to push you into overthinking. You regret everything you've done till now. You think maybe, if that day had I done a little more, it would've been different . Better? You just sink deeper into the thoughts and there is just a tornado going inside of you, killing you little by little. And anyone who asks you 'Are you okay?' You just don't want to start nagging about your problems or waste time into telling them everything cause you know it won't make a difference. Some people are there, important to you, but you just push them off, you don't want them to get hurt in the hell of your painful words. You push them until they go distant and far and you just wish, they shouldn't have listened to you. Maybe just stayed a little longer? Yes, stay a little longer dear. I want you to stay, even when I tell you to practically 'fuck off ' , just keep your ego inside the box of 'it's okay' and stay. Please. Cause there's so much to the silence you can't hear and I wish you could. Never mind. .

The guy am going to talk about isn't very special to me. He wakes up every morning around eight. I have a strong feeling he is an insomniac since all the night when the world sleeps, I see him awake. Struggling through the walls of his own mind I guess? As far as I have seen him through not many things make him happy, but I would sometimes see him smiling to himself as if thinking about someone really special. Sometimes I would sneak through his phone and see the gallery. I would see no pictures at all, I wonder where he hid them. Some nights feel never ending, all I can see is him, sitting alone. Sometimes tears would come through the corner of his eyes, and I wonder what pain he is hiding through his lies. Sometimes he would feel a complete different personality, the one you see with all, and the one alone. The one I see with people around is different, teaching me the basics of slangs. Happiest in all and I would never see a tiniest hint. The one at home is a bit different. He looks like he's been burdened with a load on his chest, a pressure to be one of the best. The one who's eyes are easy to be read and even the smile is unable to get me convinced, about the stamped. Even when I reach the depth it always feels like a desert oasis,however far I go, I realize it's even farther. He seems like a mystery,a puzzle unsolved. All I know that I've seen him smoke even in pain and I know he's stronger than he seems. Friends and family mean the world to him. Friendship is something he's loosing with time, but I guess that's life. I am just hoping he will be okay soon, for there's a sun after a moon. He doesn't show it when he is hurt but I know he is. I really wish that he shared his pains to someone trustworthy, atleast which makes the weight on his chest reduce...and makes him breathe. To be honest the qualities of him if counted are like the stars over the sky. He burns like them through and I know he's magical too. The only message I want to convey to him, Sometimes being perfect isn't the best, for imperfections are supposed to be beautiful in itself It's okay to cry when you're hurt, And feel not okay at once. I am with you and many more.

The stars in the skies, They speak beautiful lies Of you being mine. I don't blame them though, Cause they learnt from us That promises are made to be broken sometimes. .

Be with intelligent kids so that you can learn good things from them, not the dumb ones. 🙂 .

I want you less, I want you more It's an alien feeling I can't deplore A day I want to be yours The second I feel to leave I am like this fire, And you're the fly, I don't want you to burn by. And a zillion dreams I weave, Of this one day we'll be us Without the usual fuss Is it love? Is it love?

Rains and rains, And I forgot the streets we are standing on, The umbrella that may have flown away long time back, The fact that we are dripping with rain water. Your silly smile and the dimples on your cheeks And those eyes that force me to look into them, You pull me into a kiss, Which lasts like forever And feels infinite. Ye,we are at infinity. You make me feel it. Is it the mix of the ocean and the sea, Or you have cast a spell on me, The rush of ecstasy Your hands so stiff and cold, Wish I curl you up into my whole. I want you heated and warm Until you want me to go far. ~Rain and You.

Running away as fast I could go, From every pain, every emotion, every sorrow. Everything feels so full, the dark sky even full of stars, Yet there's this hollow part. There's nowhere I can stop Nowhere I could go, But then I see this small door, Filled with light and hope, And I realize, it's never too late to cope. Good morning' says the first ray of sun As I sink my way into my thoughts more And dream about the the dress in the changing room I wore.

And the winds blew her away, into eternal sleep falling like a drop of dew from a blessed leaf.

Tum shor kartey aaye the, Pure angan meh khushiyan laaye the, Maa ko bhi rulaye the. Aur abb tum jo gupchup jaa rahe ho Iss baar kisko bata rahe ho? Maa ko phirse rula rahe ho.

The rain washed away bits of me, But left yours in the corner of my mind And I bet the cupids sighed, Hopelessly in love Somewhere believing you're still mine. ~Days when you were mine.

To kiss you was a dream, around the characters whose love stories made me fall in love with love.They being the only spectators of our secret love. They heard us talk, under the shhss of the library and the compressed laughs to being kicked out for being loud. They witnessed the day, you told me you want to show me something and you lead me to the back of the library,to the boring sections where we hid at the back of the bookshelves. And you held me through the face as my heartbeat accelerated faster. It went all magical like the fairy tales. Your eyes met mine shortly after your lips did.I said that was really lame. You replied to Next time I will tell you that I will die if I don't kiss you and I guess the books witnessed it. A love story, us just like them. Not written in book but felt. And I realize it's the same story over and over again.

I was in the circle of my thoughts, And you came like a fairy,sprinkling stardust You danced through the tranquil bay Switching me from darkness to all gay. Every memory of you stays still, From the day we plucked stars from the starry night, To the odour of daisies on the cresent hill Searching you where we first met The sad part you know, You were just a tangent. ~Some nerd hopelessly in love.

And I wished the evening would never end.

Knock knock, it's me, Or is it my brain overthinking at it's highest peak, The confusions from he loves me, loves me not? To the Indus Valley Civilization and it's rott. Wandering trom the ocean and it's humongous waves, To the cemetery of dancing graves. Talking about the summer's no tan lotion Extending to the Newton's third law of motion. In the world of is it and is nots, I am a fan of maybes. Living a life in maybes Isn't that bad though, Cause life is uncertain It swings you to and fro Maybe no one knows.

What do you want for your birthday? asked he. Well, let me think. What can you give? I replied with a malicious smile. Whatever you'd wish for. You know, I don't see stars from here. They say stars are uncountable. But from my terrace, I can only see one. What a tragedy right? He said sarcastically. Do you see stars from your terrace? Yes, there are many. Bring me some. What? Bring me some stars. I have never seen more than one. I want to. How?. You asked me what I want. I told you what I do.

Dear Adi, It’s weird to get a letter from your past and it’s weird to write a letter to someone ten years away. We both are weird this way. So, twenty six huh? How’s life? You’re really looking pretty. I hope someone told you that. And also, I know no one needs to tell you that. So where have you reached? How far? Do I sound like the neighbourhood aunty calling to know your goddamn result? Maybe I do. But not a piece of paper this time. You know we are the same. You’re just a better shade of me and I am a lighter shade of you. We both envy each other. Don’t we? You’d give anything to relax, sleep and be back to the days when studying was the only tension you possessed and eat great healthy home food. I would also do anything to get the freedom you’ve now. Being independent has been one of my dream. Hey, are you in love yet? I know you’d we laughing at how I am able to connect everything with love. ‘ Young and in love -with words’ remember this line? I hope you’re in love with someone the same way you’re in love with words. I know you. Money is earned by everyone. Earn relations. Earn people. Earn love. We don’t stay. Perhaps, we do something that our stories live even after we don’t . Years after years. You know, basically I have a rough image of how’d you be. But this letter, is just a reminder to who you are. Before being anything, you’re you, you’re me. So, be it. I love you. Cheers to being twenty six. Happy birthday. I can’t say I miss you, cause I have never met you. But I hope you miss me. We can’t even meet, you know. They say it leads to some paradox shit, not that I have time- turner anyway. I hope you are amazing, even if you’re not. You’ll be. (p.s. learnt the word hope from some guy, not that I’d be discussing my love affairs with you) . ~ The Adi that turned sixteen.

She was like chemistry -full of exceptions

Even the stars stopped at this random thought, Singing with the crooning bird in the twilight And gushes of wind passing like a radiant storm I wanted to stop it all before, all along, Before the roots sunked deep in heart of tree, And now it's frozen cold and bleak the melody of her song still fills my ear Even on the coldest day of the year. I wanted her more than the song Her and just her All along.

Naam Part - 1 Tum jaa rhi ho? Usne mere hath ko pakadtey hue kaha. Haa jaa rhi hu maine jawab diya. Mat jao nausne dheemi awaz meh jawab diya. Kyu? Bus mat jao. Adi, hamari iss maamle pe pehle bhi baat ho chuki hai and we decided ki akhiri pal ache se bitana hai. “Kaunsa akhiri pal? Or kaunsa acha? Har pal tho ¢ bus tum ja rhi ho, yeh baat khayi khayi si jaari hai, aur abb yeh khush hone ka natak nhi hota uski awaz thodi bhaari hogayi thi. Tho phir ruk jau? maine pucha. Jaise mere kehne se ruk jaogi Koshish tho kar hi saktey ho na rokne ki' Nhi. Jao. Areh kehna kya chahtey ho? Maine hastey hua kaha. Yaad hai tum bachpan meh kehti thi ki tumko tumhare hisse ka aasman chahiye. Abb lene ki baari aayi tho mera chehra dekh le ruk jaogi. Aise thodi hota hai” Acha matlab tumko mai nhi chahiye? Areeh pagal, tum chahiye, lekin tumhare sapno seh aage nhi' Par... Par var kuch nhi, sab pack karliya na? Dawai le ou na sir dard wali, or yeh hath pe kya likh rakha hai ayeee bhagwaan iss ladki ko kitni baar bol rakha hai haath ko notepad na banaye. Kya bacho wali harkat hai usne mere hath pe dekhtey hue kaha. Tumhara naam likha hai maine dheere se jawab diya. Mitado. Dil meh hi kaafi hai, hath pe likhne ki Zarurat nhi. Naam Part - 2 Neend aari hai, kal baat kaarey? Usne phone ko hath meh dheele se pakde hue kaha. Haa neend tho mereko bhi aari haimaine jawab diya. Okay bye. Dono ne ek saath bola or phone ki line rakh di. Tommorow: Subha: Hi, good morning. Kya karri ho? Hello, good morning. Aaj presentation deni hai, ussi ki taiyaari karri hu. Thodi nervous hu. Areey ho jayega. Don't be nervous. Tum prepare karo, mai rakhta hu. Okay... Shaam: Hello! Presentation mast gayi. Bahut acha. Maine kaha tha tum nautanki ho Khali Haha. Kahi busy ho kya peeche se kisi ladki ki awaz aari hai. Haa vahi bolne wala tha, Sanvi ke saath hu,voh college wali ladki,tho baad meh baat karunga. Oh. Itni important ho gayi voh? Ayee bhagwan. Hamara saath meh assignment hai. Rakh raha hu raat ko baat kartey hai. Raat: Tumhe abb mai pasand nhi. Kisne kaha? Tum baat nhi kartey aajkal. Oho. Tum kaunsa tower pe latak ke baat karti ho? Sanvi kaun hai, bataya nhi kuch kabhi. Ladki hai college ki. Hum dost hai. Do mahiney hue nhi mere gaye aur- I thought ki tum isse zyada understanding ho. I had a long day. Takkat nhi tumse jhagadane ki Ha mereko bhi koi shauk nhi. Tum uss din Instagram pe pictures upload ki thi, voh kaun tha. Vidhyut, batchmate tumhara. Maine kuch kaha kya? Tum phirse purani baat leke aarahe ho. I am sick of this. Same here Give me a break! Cool. Bye. Bye. Agle din: Sorry madam ji. Mai gussa tha. Usne kaha. It's okay. maine jawab diya. Abb kya karu ki tum maan jaogi? Mai gussa nhi hu Lag rhi ho. Kaha na ek baar tho samajh nhi aata kya? Maine chila ke kaha. Ohh. Ha. Bilkul. usne dabbi dabbi awaz meh kaha. lam okay. Okay. Mujhe kaam hai mai jaari hu. Okay. Bye phir. Kehke usne phone rakh diya. Sunday: Oye sunonaaaaaaaaaa Ha kaho. You know, mai chai bana rhi hu. Mai bhi. Saath meh piye? Vc pe? Ha. Isliye I love Sundays. Acha sunona. I have an idea. Batao. Date hai yeh hamari. Okay na? Date? Ha in ten minutes ache se taiyaar rehna, perfume nhi lagaoge tho bhi chalega maine bola or uchal padi. Hey, bahut sundar lagri ho aaj Haa. Yeh zyada nhi hogaya? Comeon maine shorts or tshirt pehni hai. Abhi tak nahai bhi nhi and tumko sundar lagri hu Tum humesha hi lagti ho, and about nahana. Jab tak smell nhi aati tumse tab tak it's fine. Shayad aari hai.hum dono hassne lage. Areeh but I can't smell na. Chalo tho kya kya hua pure weekend batao. Apart from the jhagda Tum pata hai gusse meh bachi bann jaati ho Mai hu! Ha, isliye baat baat pe zidd rehti hai. Oyeeeeee yeh kya jungle laga rahe ho? Beard trim kab karoge? Areeh acha lag raha hu abhi badahunga thoda sa. Kyu? Mereko tum bina beard ke better lagtey ho Bacha lagta hu I like bacha. Pagal.... Wow tum sunne lageh ho meri aajkal. Haa socha try karlu. Kaisa ajeeb sa lag raha hai Ache lag rahe ho. C lag raha hu ek number ka. But cute wala C. Kya hoga tumhara.... Yeh shayad abb roz ka hogaya tha. Ladna jnhagadana manana. Kabhi dino tak baat nhi hoti thi. Ruthna manana, pyaar. Repeat. Naam - Part 3 Abhi lamba course hai ek do saal tak vapis naa aau shayad. Hmm janta hu Tumhe lagta hai aise hum reh payenge Pata nhi Bahut log hotey hai,dus dus saal long distance ke baad bhi shaadi hojaati hai unki or pyaar nhi kamta Kuku, suno meri baat, kabhi kabhi na aadat ho jaati hai,ho sakta hai hume sirf aadat ho,pyaar kahi peeeche chuth gaya Tumhe kya lagta hai hume alag ho jaana chahiye? Pata nhi Abb ek or baar pata nhi bola tho pit jaoge merese Or jee nhi paunga... Kaise? Kabhi kabhi lagta hai na jaise tum mera aadha hissa apne pass le rakhi ho, yeh dooriyan ekdum achi nhi lagti Hmm...Kaam. hum dono. Pata nhi. Kaha. Kho gaye. Shabd milne mushkil hogaye the. Shhh. Hum khoye nhi,bus bade hogaye. Tho tumko tumhara adha vapis chahiye? Haa, iss baar pata nhi nhi bolunga,jaan pyaari hai apni voh halke se hasstey hue bola. Itni serious baat haste haste kaise bol letey noe Kya karu,ro bhi yho nhi sakta na. Kisne mana kiya? Tum hona,pagal si, tumhara adha bhi tho mere pass hai, mai hi ro dunga tho tumko kaun chup karayega? Kal flight hai meri Delhi ki, chodhne aayoge?akhiri baar? Meri bhi flight hai kal Kaha ki? Tumne tho bataya nhi iss bareh meh.. Socha samne batau,phone pe batana sahi nhi laga.vahi pe sab kaam hai abb. Mai bhi shayad vapis na aau. Abb hai hi kaun Kolkata meh. Mera bhi mann sa bhar gaya hai Tumhare chacha chachi hai na Khushi, mai jaara hu,bus usne iss baar mera pura naam bulaya,or usko mooh se ajeeb laga sunne meh. Tabhi itni asani se jaane dere ho mereko. Haina .Hassi aari hai soch ke. Kal hum dono alag alag disha meh udd jayenge. Abb tum jao ghar. Kyu?itni jaldi hai door hone ki? Nhi, abb shayad aur control nhi hoga, ro dunga Okay jaa rhi hu mai mudhi or usne mera haath peeche se pakad liya. Sunona, last time gale milogi? usne jawab nhi sunna, ya shayad maine jawab diya hi nhi. Usse lipat si gayi, or ankhe bhar bhar si gayi. Uss taraf shayad uska haal bhi kuch aisa hi tha. Maine dekha nhi usko rotey hue, bilkul jaisa voh chahta tha. Uska haath dheere dheere mere baalo ko sahlata hua,aisa lagra tha jaise sab kuch khatam sa ho raha hai. Hum kitni der tak vaise hi khade rahe pata nhi. Abb kya meri baho meh hi rehne ka irada hai?” Daat todd dungi zyada hasso mat. Acha baba. Or any idea aunty kya banarhi hai dinner meh? Mera favourite. Bhindi Mera bhi favourite hai Tumhara kabse hogaya? meri favourite ka favourite is equal to mera favourite Chalo zyada maths mat sikhao humko. Dinner pe aajao. Chalo phir Vaise hum abhi abhi alag hue the na? Shush meri jaan, kal se. Abhi bhuk lagrhi hai Bhukhad Bhukdi aseh hum akhiri baar hath meh haath diye saath chal diye. Agle din,airport pe dono alag hogaye, mai ek taraf thi or voh dusri taraf. Uski nazre mujhpar se haathi nhi. Hotho pe nakli khushi,ankho meh dard liye ghum raha tha. Khatam . Naam - Part 4 Voh rukki nhi, bus chalti gayi dheere dheere, or har kadam ke saath samay itna jaldi nhi beeta kabhi. Mere andar ki awaz chhek rhi thi...lekin ottho pe hi reh gayi. Voh hi rok leti mujhe? Mai nhi rokta. Log kehtey hai, love means to let go. Agar kisi ko pyaar kartey hai tho uski khushi meh khush rah ke jaane dene ki bhi naubat aaye tho jaane dena chahiye. Yeh batey aksar kitabo meh padhi thi, padhtey samay asan lagi thi. Abhi aisa lag raha tha uske har kadam ke sath mere dil ki dhadkan kum si ho rhi hai, mera naam apni hateli pe liye jaari hai. Voh mujhe akhiri samay tak dekhti rahi. Mai bhi dekhta raha jab tak voh ekdum nazar se gayab na hui. Dard shayad uski taraf bhi kuch kum na hoga. Uska chehra, khaali sa lag raha tha. Meri khushi jaa rahi thi,or uski bhi... Mai pahucha. Ek baar ke liye tho bina soche call kar daali, pahuchi kya voh? Phir yaad sa aaya or phone ki ring jaane se pehle kaat diya. Kitni baar usko likhna chaha, har baar aadhe line tak pahuchtey pahuchtey mera mann badal jaata. Vakht beeta, kuch dost ban gaye.. Shekhar mera roommate tha. Usne do din tak mujhe dekha or teesre din bus ek sawal kiya. Ladki ka mami: hai? Maine gardan hilai. Usne phir kuch nhi pucha seedha, hath pakda or apne saath le gaya, hum ghume. Na voh kuch bola na mai. Phir shayad kabhi chup rahne ki zarurat na padhi.Hum aksar, sham ko bina kissi matlab ke ghumne nikal jaatey.Khushi hoti tho bahut hassti mere pe. Jaha mai ek samay bina matlab ke ghar se nikalta nhi tha bina matlab ke ghumna pasand nhi karta tha,or voh mujhe zabardasti kheech ke le jaya karti thi, aaj mai khud hi aise karne laga hu, Mai shayad badalne laga hu. Naam - Part 5 KHUSHI Ghar pahuch ke bus intezaar raha, voh phone karega or humesha ki tarah chilayega, kaha thi? Bola tha ghar pahuch ke call karneko, sunti nhi ho meri kabhi bhi. Or mai usko bholi awaz meh manaungi. Lekin iss baar uska phone nhi aaya. Do teen baar tho aisa laga ki jaise puri duniya meri hassi si uda rhi hai, call aaya, lekin credit card wale ka. Maine uspe chilaya or keh diya ki agli baar vapas galti se bhi phone kiya tho ghar pe ghus ke marungi or rakh diya. Kya pata, voh call kareh or busy aaye, aisa nhi hona chahiye na... Din ke haftey, haftey ke mahiney hogaye. Uska call na aaya. Ek baar tho maine khud uska number daalke dekha. Switch off aya. Mere pass number daalke dekha. Switch off aya. Mere pass abb do raastey the. Pehla, uske ghar pe phone karke naya number nikalwau. Dusra , jaane du. Maine dusra chuna. Khud ko kitabo meh aisa duboliya ki vakht pe pankh lag gaye. Dosto se kuch din baat kya na hui, sab anjaan se bann gaye. Kuch din baad maiine dusra pg le liya. Or meri mulakat hui Anju se. Voh bachi thi, char saal ki, dheere dheere jaan ban gayi. Din kitna bhi bura jaata,Anju har subha apni mummy ke haath bheji chai dene aati or badlle meh humesha ek kahani sunn ke jaati. Usko dekh ke Khushi phirse hassne lagi. Naam - Part 6 Mai kaam se ghar aarhi thi, bag meh chabbi khojtey hi rhi thi ki ek parcel dikha. Usme Kolkata ka address chappa hua tha. Uthane meh bharri sa tha. Dhyaan se dekha tho Aditya ke ghar ka address tha. Mai thaaki hui thi, andhere kamre meh lights jalai. Kuch 10.30 baj rahe the. Fridge meh subha ka banaya hua tarka padha tha. Or kuch rotiya jo mai bahar se kharid ke layi thi. Usko garam karke khaa liya or so gayi. Voh parcel table pe hi rakh diya, subha dekhungi. Subha ke 7 baje meri neend khuli. Chai banana or ghar ke safai ke kaam meh lag gayi. Aseh abb mai akele rehti thi. Mere jo pehle wale roomates the voh kuch do saal pehle apne ghar laut gaye. Abb idhar ekele rehne ki addat bhi hogayi thi. Ashi bhi aajkal thoda kum aane lagi thi, uske school hotey the. Or office se aatey hue mujhe roz late ho jaata hai. Chai banatey banatey, laptop ring kiya. Maa ka video call tha. Unhone itna tho seekh hi liya tha, abhi tak. Betu kya banarhi hai? Chai. Bus chai? Kitni baar bola hai khali chai mat piya kar, saath meh kuch khaya kar. Phir sir meh dard ho jayega. Phir tablets khati phiregi. Areeh maa, maine khaya tha. Kya khaya zara batana tho? Uhmm maggie. Maine sochkar bola. Kitni bhi badhi hojaye, teri baato se pata chal jaata hai kab jhuth bol rhi hai. Maa ne mooh banatey hue bola. Acha baba, cereals khaa lungi. Baba kaise hai? Pucho mat tumhare baba ne mera jeena haram kar diya hai. Kal customer care wale se lad rahe the. Unka 31 rupayee ka balance jo kaat liya. Pura ghar sir pe utha rakha hai. Maa tum tho jaanti ho baba ko. Baat 31 rupaye ki hai nhi, baat hai ki galat hai na yeh. Tum hi sambhalo, baap beti dono ne pagal kar rakha hai. Haha. Acha suno sharma ji ke yaha shaadi hai. Tumko aana chahiye. Card mila kya tumko? Haa ek parcel, aaya hai shayad. Mereko mann nhi hai. Tum kabhi aana hi nhi chahti, akhiri baar bhi hume hi Delhi bulaya tha. Budhape meh maa baap ko itna satati hai. Mera kya hai mar jaungi ek din teri raah dekhtey dekhtey.. Oyee maaaaa. Stop this emotional blackmailing huh. Dekhti hu na. Chuthi bhi tho milni chahiye na. Yeh chuthi bhi tho milni chahiye natak kissi or ko dikhana. Manali gayi thi jab apne uss Ravin or Avantika ke saath. Tab kaha se mili chuthi? Maa boss ka call araha hai rakhti hu! Bolke maine turant phone rakh diya. Parcel khola tho ek golden envelope mila or saath meh ek mithai ka dabba. Card maine kholke dekhna zaruri na samjha. Mithai fridge meh rakh di. Aditya ki shaadi meh abb kya channa mereya gaane jau? Mai humesha ki tarah 9 baje tak taiyaar hoke nikal gayi. Traffic thoda zyada tha aaj. Lekin abb adat hogayi thi iss awaz ki bhi. Office pahuchteh hi sabko 'Good morning' boltey boltey apne cabin tak pahuchi. Iss morning meh kuch bhi good nhi tha, lekin kehtey hai na, never mix personal and professional lifes. Shruti har subha ki tarah mere cabin meh aayi kal wali files leke. Shruti, mereko aaj yeh reviews complete chahiye. Bahut din se pending hai. Or ha jaatey jaatey Sanjay ko bolna maine bulaya hai. Okay ma'am. Shruti bolke chali gayi. Thodi der meh Sanjay hasstey hue aaya. Sanjay ke bareh meh do cheeze. Ek voh bina matlab ke hassta hai. Dusra mereko bilkul pasand nhi uska yeh over the sea attitude. Sanjay tumko jo kaam diya tha last week hogaya? Nhi ma'am. Kar hi raha tha. Usne phir muskuratey hue kaha. Kal tum 6 baje office se nikal gaye. May I know the reason? Voh ma''am... Mereko jawab mil gaya. Jao. Aaj mereko complete chahiye. But ma'am shaam tak complete nhi hoga Complete karke hi jaana nhi tho kal mat aana. Maine keh diya or Sanjay sir jnukaye chala gaya. Mera phone baja. Ek unknown number display kiya. Hello? Khushi Di hai kya? Kaun? Drisha. Drisha Aditya ke chacha chachi ki beti thi. Oh my god. Drisha. Sorry pehchana nhi. Awaz bahut badal si gayi hai Voh choro. App aarhi ho na shaadi meh? Uncle aunty bole ki unse app maan nhi rahi ho Dekh rahi hu Drisha. Adi bhaiya ko bhi acha legaga. Umm. Shayad. Kam se kam ek haftey pehle aana. Kitna time hogaya hai. Almost 6 saal. Sab aise ekdum busy hogaye. Haa. Kaisi ho? Abb iska jawab apko Kolkata meh aake milega. Acha mai tumko batati hu shaam tak. Theek hai na? Okay! Sab aarahe hai. App mana mat karna please!. Din soch soch meh hi khatam hogaya. Aaj shaam ko mai 6 baje nikal gayi. Mere mann meh Drisha ghum rhi thi. Jaana chahiye ka? Awkward nhi ho jayega? Adi ki shaadi, voh bhi kissi or se. Mai jaake kya karu? Mera dimaag sawalo se bhara tha jo mai khud se hi karri thi. Ghar ke bahar. Aaj ek note padha tha. See you in 5 yeh Ravin ka tareeka tha. Ravin mera neighbor tha, or hum dost the char saal se. Duniya bhar ke saare atpatey tareeke uske pass the. Mai fresh hoke change karke baith gayi. Thodi der meh Ravin bhi agaya. Tho madam ji. Kiss baat pe soch rhi ho itna? Tumko kisne bola mai soch rhi hu? Lag tho raha hai. Kuch nhi Okay. Acha tum itna insist kar hi rahe ho tho batati hu. Kolkata janeka hai. And mai confused hu jau ki nhi. Kyu? Jao na. Kitna kaam karogi? Shaadi hai kisi ki. Acha naam kya hai ladke ladki ka? Dekha nhi card kholke. But obvious nhi tha? Adi weds something. Kaha rakha hai? Table pe dekh lo Ravin utha or table ki taraf gaya. Card khola or usne meri taraf dekha. Naam tho interesting hai dono ka. Drisha weds Abhimanyu. Sunne meh match karra hai Kya, ek second dikhao!!! Maine turant dekha. Sunehre aksharo meh Drisha weds Abhimanyu naam likha tha. Date or time ke saath. Maine bina card dekhe hi soch lia ki Adi ka card hoga. Mai bhi pagal hu. Lekin matter nhi karta. Ravin. Haa bolo. Mai Kolkata jaa rhi hu Hum Ravin ne ankh martey hue bola. Oho tum kiss liye? Mera vaha pe kuch kaam hai. Interior designing ka. Ghum bhi lunga. Okay. Aaj kaunsa show dekhna hai? Umm. Sochne do. Naagin? Mereko samajh nhi aata. Why are you so obsessed with her. Areey she's sexy. Akele dekho tho jaake. Mera mood nhi naagin ka. You're just jealous of her. Maine gate pe padha ek chappal phenk ke mara or voh miss hogaya. Hum dono hassne lage. Kuch der meh Ravin mere couch pe hi khaatey khaatey so gaya. Maine usko kuch odhakar. Apne room meh sone chali gayi. Jaldi hi neend aaqgayi.

Taare bhi tere naam, Chaand bhi tere naam, Main bhi tere naam.

I looked vulnerable, crying in pain, with you hiding me into your chest and felt the safest nest. I think it once and twice and I don’t know how many times, you meant everything to me, while you just termed it as ‘nothing’. I think that’s how it’s so easy for you to shut it down, end so easily. It’s funny how I check my inbox. Refreshing it, but then it shows nothing too, ha-ha mockery. I could only see your last word ‘anymore’. I want to cry, beyond I can say. This feeling of being nothing doesn’t fade away. It sticks to my skin until the breaking dawn, feeling my skin, and how it misses being around you. And I feel like an ashtray burring down all the ashes from the cigarette you held through your lips. Our kisses weren’t the fairy types, but felt more like two cyclones crashing by the night, trying to submerge their violent gushes of tempest into each other. Lights lights, I hate them. I feel they take you away from me. Maybe makes you feel guilt as you climb down the bed, rebuckling the belt. You leave. You don’t look at me. You don’t stay. You don’t kiss. You just...well. Leave. Leave me still naked on the bed curled into the white bed sheet, like a corpse. I see everything, and still I pretend to not know, to be asleep. You confuse me. You tuck me into the bed at times, when you’ve to leave midnight. You look at me for long hours when I am asleep. You handle me like a butterfly. You’re scared of them. They’re beautiful, but delicate. And there’s a storm, wind in its vulnerable form. And you know, the butterfly’s wings may break. And it may die or just be broken, in pain. You scare death, and you can’t see pain. I am the butterfly, and you’re the wind, unsure of what you might become. You hate attachments, and you hate to become attached. You hate feelings, and still manage to have them. There are fifty reasons to why I love you and a fifty more to why you don’t. We are equal. We are good, in our places. Aren’t we? I miss the wind.

She left. And? And I waved her a bye. She waved back and smiled. And? And I miss her already. And? I said all. What else are you expecting? What about the ring? That you bought for her?it was the ring they got in shops. It had took him some amount, which was close to a fortune for two kids in grade sixth and seventh. It had small hearts. Oh. It's still in my pocket. You didn't give it to her? No. I mean. I think this is the last thing we have. She....And..I couldn't tell her. I knew it! I could see that written clearly on your face. Say we meet after 20 years. She will see me and smile, the same way now. We will go on lunch. We will spend time. And if, if I told her today and she doesn't like me. 20 years later, she won't see me and smile....so I didn't give her. What an explanation. Yeah. Anyway. Take this ring. I love you too right?So yeah. Will be happy if least someone gets it. I won't wear it. It's hers. No. It's mine. You see the small tiny hearts. Just like ours. Small and Beating. We'll remember this time. He took it out from his pocket. It slipped through his hand. It fell on the white marble.It didn't break. Just got a broken heart. And somewhere I knew it was his. ~A sister who saw his brother fall in love. (Young and in love)

I didn't speak anything. He was quiet too. There was an unknown understanding to not speak. His hand caressed my fingers, making small pools through his fingers. I checked my watch. It was late. I need to go. Stay he said silently. No. I need to go. Bye. I said directly. We were somewhere near the corner on the terrace, as we were about to get down the staircase, he pinned me to the wall. His gentle breath directly making it's way to my neck making fireballs. Let me go, someone will see us. Since when did you started caring about someone? I always cared. Liar. Not bigger than you. I know. I like the moon. It's beautiful I said trying to distract myself from his sudden closeness. Okay so tell me fast. And I will leave you. Tell you what? The thing your eyes told me. I don't know. The thing you wrote in your diary? I don't know. Okay. I love you. What? Nothing. What did you just say? Nothing. You just said I love you. I love you too. Now go. The moons beautiful. But not more than you. Bastard. Yours. Mine.

Sometimes it sucks a lot without you. You were like the music that made me forget everything. I still remember you telling me that ‘I don’t need to belong anywhere, because am one of my kind’. One day i will see that silly smile again and I’ll wait. I know you’ll be back. I know.

Hum naddi ke do kinarey, Judhe hai ek nao ke saharey. Alag hum nhi, Alag hamari baatey hai Ek dusrey ko dekhtey dekhtey Hojati subha ki raatey hai. Kaash hum mil paaye, Naadi ke do kinarey, Karengey fir jeene marne ke kuch vaadey. Par hona hai vahi jo hota hai, Phir chahe kaise bhi ho iradey, Hum hai or rahenge Sirf naddi ke do kinarey.

Happy Raksha Bandhan!he said forwarding his right hand for her to tie. She tied it, real tight. To a limit it would hurt. Ahh stop. Tie it a bit loose. That hurts. he said. You deserve that.she chuckled. Yeah yeah. Now where are my gifts? Wait. I have got something. his hands reached his backpocket to fetch a wallet. He took out something that resembled another rakhi. I will tie you this. But sisters do that. Brothers don't. She said confused. See, you tie me rakhi every rakhsha bandhan. But something I realized. You save me too. You cover me up whenever I do stuff that I am not supposed to do. You know my secrets. You keep them safe. You protect me . So yes. Hence the true meaning. Save me like this, forever, for life? She nodded ,forwarded her hand as he tied the thread with blue beads, and a small crystal. A promise for life time. And she knew she would keep it.She smiled. Now where's my money? She chirped. Ahh. We are settled. I am not asking for money. Am I?he said laughing. I hate you! She barked. I know!but I love youhe laughed. Get lost! Awww meri gullu.... . (P.s. gullu is my nickname.)

So, it's been exactly seven months ten days. And we're here at this strange place. I have nothing to give, than just some words, a voice note and some tears(provided you shed them). I have a bag of memories. It's small but it's pretty much like Doraemon's pocket. It's spacious. 1*' January, you did something. And I will be reminding you, until you give me something else to tease you about. Some words. This gal misses you, and is dying to tell you her storie. Okie? I will try my best not to change. I would. Mice.

You remember the first time. You said, it's impressive how I am able to remember exact lines from books I read. Here's a line for you, It's funny, don't ever tell anybody anything, if you do, you start to miss everybody. I would leave it to you, figuring out what it means. Here's a mixture of everything. End Roads, never the end, blue skies, a girl in love, with skies, a boy, in love, with gelatos, and stories, boring nights, things, adult kid,maturity, secrets a many? Talks and talks, the kid and the Santa Claus ,lost, misery, pain, still back again to the romeo rain,you and me, the night we met, heard the birds sing, slept in the morning, life fast, times off, times sad? Opening up, accepting fears, UNO, nose, pimples,hair, bitch the A**** work, sadness, world cup, smiles, calls an hour long, changing moods with a song, accepting hate, despise love ,not ready yet, I don't know what to call you anymore, anymore, make the ends meet, let the ink fade, care still, beats till, stars plucked like new born leaves ,be a good girl please? Two weeks suck, back to line, call it luck. Naah fuck luck. Happy birthday. Happy Birthday! Hope you remember all. Be the best, like you are, would always be From your dearest, Adity (I got rhyming skills in- bones inbuilt)

Nights we have had, Talking in hushed tones Cause we're not alone at home. Nights where we kissed through the screen, Secretly wishing It was real instead of reel. Nights where I cried, And you stopped. The vulnerable sides, the sides we'd just snap, And try sleeping, hearing songs, Thinking what we may have lost Lost each other in a second gap? The next morning, all I know You'd be too precious, To be added in the pile of lost ones So I'd rather make it up to you, A coffee, a date, a kiss Falling in love again Another first I love you,miss.

She heard it again and again, The song of longing The song of wait. She waited down the streets Dripping in the rain The fever caught in her breath Her red palms turning pale She sat down on the pavement Now a little tired, She was waiting, Her feet dancing in the rhythm, The song of longing, The song of wait She held her hands tight on her ears, Thinking she could forgive and forget Stop the song, Stop the wait. Her eyes read the number plate of every car that passed by, Hoping for a familiar number plate? Somebody, covered her up, with a blanket Her arms crept up, Hoping for the same arms around her No one it was None came Her body turned ice cold The cold froze her instinct to think The song stopped exactly how she wished Now that no one would say she didn't wait, She waited enough To be in her own grave.

Stars you know. They play. They shine. They stay. But they still play. A music of distance A humming sound of the melody As if they are giggling to themselves Laughing at the confused me Am I mine or yours I am confused help me thee They twinkle a little With their small light And they make the sky magical Magical like you, There's not much difference between the stars and you, They're far, you're too They have this little light You have your little bracelet that glows in the night They're magical You're too They laugh You laugh too I am in love with them I am in looveee with....aage ka tum samajhdaar ho.

Thodi si baarish, Thodi si hawa, Thoda sa dil, Thoda sa khafa, Thoda sa tum, Thoda sa mai, Thode thode meh kaha gum hogaye? Aur abb yaha thoda, thode se zyada hogaya Ki abb thoda na raha Hume bhi abb alag hue Ek zamana sa hogaya

Dear you, Yeah, again. It's me. Day 56, uh no sorry 57 time 3.54 pm. I am sorry. It's been exactly a year, and a little more. It's like this window. I come everyday. And the lights are on. And I know you're awake. And I know you won't speak. I know I made a mistake. 'A' would be an understatement. I made many. A little less than the stars over the horizon. You love stars, but you never loved mistakes. I remember the first time we met, you'd said, I hate people who lie. I hate mistakes. And I heard it, and I knew, I was making a mistake right then. Right then. And I thought over it all night. And I didn't wanted to loose you. Well you see, I anyway lost you. Funny thing. We always hurt the people, we never want to hurt. It's an act. And we do it. Knowingly or unknowingly. In my case, I don't know. I would call it my act of selfishness. I am. Very. I see the lights switch off at exactly two a.m. I see your figure roaming around,something pressed against your head,which I beleive to be a phone. Sometimes I would see dim light, and I know you're binging over the Netflix again. You never open the window. You used to. Now, you don't. Cause, you know. I'd be over the window, waving at you, with my old sorry note. Even if you open the window, you won't wave back, won't smile at me or giggle whenever I hit my head on the grill trying to somehow crane my head, expecting to reach your windowsill. Stupidity at it's best. I guess, we never know things, until we lose them. Every morning I pass a letter down the sleek space under the door, it disappears inside and I'd never know if you read it or just threw it in the dustbin. But there is a hope. Just like that one light in the dark. Dark sky and darkness everywhere, and just one light through your window.

A long time after, fingers slipped, a chat with my old bestfriend. Dear diary, a ear for the ones, who want to speak, but are better with words, through the ink. A thousand secrets of the adolescence, confessions of love, the lost age. This was a bookmarked page. A page, filled with a strang of cupid's wings and a lovers phase. Some drops of pearls had managed to make a mark on the yellow page, and their lay a heart. Just a heart, a little tattered, a little old, a little folded, like it has gone through generations waiting for the person. My name didn't seem to vanish much. It's still there in some imperfect words. A hand cut heart out of a piece of love, a part , with small hands, promises to always be there. And something was felt. The solace, of being wanted for once. And this is how I remember, To be young, and in love.

Right. I would never understand. I didn't when I saw you giggling to yourself and then I saw a book, tight around your hands. And you were reading. You kept doing it, sometimes you'd look around to see if someone thought you were a crack. And yeah for once I did. I have seen people, smiling seeing texts. Smileys and emojis and Ily s. It was tha last period. You closed the book down. You got bored. You stared outside the window with a too blank expression and then you wrote. For a second I thought you were crying. Maybe you were. You tore the paper right outside the notebook. Scrunched it throwed it in your desk. That page joined the rest, the balls of your thoughts. I am sorry, I didn't get a better term. I am not talking dirty. You walked out and I saw the papers. Unfortunately I didn't know which was your recent. Therefore I took them all. Filled them in my bag. I went home and read it all. And I laughed like an lunatic. Never halfed in years. You made me smile. You and your thoughts. It had people. I was one of your thoughts and it made me giggle. Yeah, better than those Ily texts or kissing emojis.A handsome piece of shit you had called me in one of those, describing every person in your class.I didn't know whether to get offended or laugh. All I knew was I wanted to get in your head and read you all the more. All the more and more. I reached early, market each paper of yours with an ink and threw them the same way it was before. I had written my comments over each of them. Like it was a conversation, and I knew you would never get to know, never read. Except that you did. And it was there where it all began. Just like that.

Sometimes we become the exact person we never wanted to be. I wonder if it's just me or happens with you too, we keep on questioning ourselves. If we have become exactly what we never wanted to be.

DEAR SOMEONE, I tried several times. To not write. And it turned out am sitting by this typewriter again. Writing about some guy I met. So let me think. I was sitting by the terrace, my back against the wall, clutching my notebook tight in my hands,scribbling down my thoughts.And you appeared out of nowhere. You commented on my handwriting. said it was pretty and definitely a lot better than yours.I smiled. Next day I again came. Hoping for you to be there. And you were. That day I had brought my board. My board had things written. Probably my thoughts. Scribblings and drawings through the permanent marker. Death pain and life as I have seen, you studied it like it was a subject. Asked me questions, over words and I answered. Never have I been so happy to speak out. And keep speaking. I nicknamed you as someone. And yeah, my cat liked you. Not me, remember my cat. The same one who stepped on the keyboard and typed 'I like you'.The next day I came again. And you were there. Days passed like this, waiting for the evening. Sneaking out under the glaring eyes to the terrace under the skies. And one day, we had a fight. A fight. And someone apologized. Me first, then you. This one day, we were close, your hands tight under my waist. We were almost about to kiss,when the wind blew the mist. And behind the mist, wasn't you,it was another man. Who wanted to be kissed and touched under no commitment. It was another side, and you knew it all along. So you told me to go, and I went with the shocked expression, and I could feel the hurt in your words. I went and the next day I waited for you down the same place we first met. The same diary in my hand.You never came again. You disappeared, just the way you came. End game.

Pehle waala din nhi, Pehle wali raat nhi, Kuch jo tere mere darmiyaan Abb voh wali baat nhi. Mere hatho meh Tera kaspe pakda hath nhi, Bheed meh bhi jo lage apna sa Abb voh tera sath nhi. Abb kitna der vaha khaadi rahi, Voh din bhi tho theek se yaad nahi. Tumne kaha jaane do Humne bhi kaha roka Abb jane wale ko bhi kisne toka? Ek pal ko aisa laga jaise duniya barbaad hogayi, Mai nhi royi kasam se Ghar jaatey samay rastey meh Bus bin mausam barsaat hogayi.

I knew she was leaving. She told it to me herself. And somehow I knew she'll never come back to the same city, same town, same neighborhood, or the same house. She won't. I can tell this by the way she looked out of the windows. Smiling at the birds gliding over the sky, like she wanted to join them. I couldn't tell this when she said she liked the colour blue, more than anything that exists. And she did, more than me. She used to say, imaginations are never supposed to be limited, it should be like the origin where the ocean meets the sky, like infinity. You keep trying to reach the place and it's farther away. Beyond reach. The silly girl took a promise from me, not to cry. And I took a promise from her, that she'll return, one day. Like the one day's that never come, she'd never too. And so we both break each other's promise. It's least better than breaking each other's hearts. But you see this way or the other. It's broken, too many pieces to count. Her flight was too high and all I could do was wave to the clouds hoping she'd be waving back too. She looked at me with her glassy eyes, her emotions were mixed, like oxymoron, the worst and the best at the same time. I asked her address, where will she stay in there,and she wrote something on my hand. She told me not to read it until she disappears into the mist. She waved me a bye and I saw her walking away and finally vanish. I opened my fist trying to contain my emotions and refrain from crying in the middle of the road. And the words shining like some magic spell she had cast Meet me where the ocean meets the sky and that's till where her magic lasts. Her magic was gone, along with her.

We all have a story to tell, A story unheard, mistaken Words misspelled. Ask to the lady down the second street, Who does she wait for everyday In the treacherous heat? Ask the lost kid, Finding his way back home Amidst the crowd How doth he get hope? Ask the maiden On her marriage day, How many promises she weaved in the garland with string of hay Confounded, to be sad Or be gay? Ask the cobbler who made thy shoes How much love he carried The old eyes, behind the grim glasses On the leather and boots Ask Hades, the underworld god, How he fell for Persephone Picking the flowers in her motherly lawn I know it, And I'd never speak enough well Cause it's own story To hush down Or tell.

Things happen. And they're not always in control. All you can do sometimes is accept. Acceptance has power. It really does. And there will be this one day when you won't feel the same vulnerable, like the sky would come back to it's old shade, the autumn will be over. And it would be time for the new buds to bloom and grow. And you'll feel it in your veins. Like. How about living again?

Rishtey hotey hai patle dhaage, Tutte jaye tho phir na bunne, Judd bhi jaye tho gath reh jaati hai Mann bhi tho aisa hai Har baat reh jaati hai. Money is earned by everyone, earn relations, love people. What's once is gone is gone. Then it is useless regretting on the what ifs and the Had Is. So cherish everything you got. I know I suck at templates. Sorry for that.

October,2016. We both had been heartbroken, crying in some dark alley, assuring our neighborhood aunts that we're fine. We were eating ice cream, one two many, actually I didn't count but well. We thought it would numb the pain and somewhere it did. The summer must've gone really fast, trying to find a new value to the life we once almost lost. She broke your heart. And he did mine. We were in a different city different ally and under a different sky. And actually, now I realize, I was never alone. When I actually felt. There were who knows a millions or more crying with me, walking alone under some streetlight some drunk some eating ice creams, some just walking. So that is why, I am using we. Now the fact, that we didn't break each other's heart then, makes up for now. Cause eventually we did. And I remember the promises we gave. When we give a promise, we mean for it to stay. And well. Sometimes it just doesn't. And you were just this another chapter I guess. Just another part. And I wanted you to be my story. The ending you know. The happy ones we talked about. Remember? So as much as I want to finish this book with you. I can't. And as much as I want to remember you, I won't. And so. I hereby break one more promise. Add this to the pile. And that is writing this here. Cause I want to forget you, but I do not want to forget the feeling of loving you. You're just a chapter, and yet the most memorable one. And I want to reread you. I wonder if this will happen again. Perhaps life is a cycle. What goes comes back again. Maybe, love will find me again. Maybe.

Sometimes you just need people to say shushh it's okay, I love you. And basically, they never say. Basically they never say. Cause apparently you're wrong. Apparently it's your mistake. Apparently....

Hey hey, girl stop. It's okay. You're good. But they said I am wrong. It's all my mistake. Naah. Shush. It's not. Give me his number. Let me bang that guy's ass. He should know how to talk to a girl No but they said I provoked!!! Doesn't matter. Come here. Let me try a hug. I got cold. It's okay babe. You can use my tshirt in replacement of tissue. You don't mind it? Lam gonna anyway strip it tonight.:P Perv!

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.” I had first read this in standard seven. I wasn't exactly a fan of physics, but seems like Newton just didn't die writing a law of motion. It's universally applied. In everything, not a thing happens without it. Though the reaction may not be of the same intensity. One can react more to something and less to something. So. Where were we? I hate the law. Cause, we have to always choose. And since everything is connected with everything, everything you do leads to everything happening. Yes. That's a tongue twister. And I am bad at making it. So you always end up hurting someone, and making someone happy. Sometimes I think physics basically have a problem of birth in it. Why do we fall in love? Gravity. Otherwise, we'd be floating in love. Well we do that too, if love feels requited, and if not. You just fall and hurt your head. Cry a bit. Get up and move on. I know I am basically typing crap, and I keep typing it and I don't know where to stop typing and I am aware I have already used and three times, oops four. It's 1.14.am and I am trying to sleep. I know this is not my diary, but it's dark, I can't write a diary in dark. I am too tired to get up and switch on the lights. I am exhausted . Of everything.

“Everything is breaking apart” It's the time when you know everything is moving away. Connections, relations,friendships like someone just added a drop of lemon to the milk. And it will never be the same again. Good times, brings good memories, friends joy and happiness. Bad times brings, sadness, and this is the time you realize, who is your friend. Friend in true sense. And in hurts, when the one you thought would be with you, is the first one to withdraw. People save themselves first. It's a way to life. Do not waste yourself, on someone who is not willing to do the same for you. And you realize maybe, every promise was a lie. Every word was just a word. And every person is distant. And maybe the old school memories would bring joy for once. And then you'll feel this searing pain, and things are not the same again. And trust me. Who wants to stay does. And you've been wasting your feelings on wrong people for so long. And everything is falling and maybe the gravity has hit too hard. And the pieces of glass have made their way into your skin and there's blood. And pain. Everything is breaking apart. You , me us everyone and everything.

“Happy birthday. 5:42 pm Wish you the best in life. With or without me. 5:42 pm” - message from him on whatsapp Real men who love their wives prepare them for widowhood '. I don't remember where I read. But I remember it. Well and I don't know if it's true. Is it? When we love someone, we get so involved , that at this point we forget our ownself. We just go on with the flow of life. If I love someone, I would like that person to be happy-with or without me. After all, love never promised to stay together, we did. Love never promised happiness, we did. Love was never forgetting yourself into someone, it is finding yourself more. Does he tell you to learn to cross the road yourself? See the red light, and then see across left and right both. Then cross. I am here nothing will happen. And you learn it. You get over the anxiety. I am scared of crossing roads and hence this example. Does he tell you to get to go forward? Take your decisions? And I will hold you if you fall? Love isn't about calling each other baby, it's about looking at each other when they miss their mother. Love is basically. Just love.

Kolkata. The city of joy. I have always wanted to see the city, cold and aesthetic, the evening, the people, the laughter and ofcourse, the joy. It's a beautiful night. Lights and lights. Food and chatter. Laughter and happiness. The daughter of the city is back to her place.For nine days. I am standing right there. Close to the empty street. Alone? No. Not this time. His hands are warm and all held tight. I fear, I would get lost in so much happiness, and the air around. The air that feels like drugs, and him being the catalyst in our chemistry, boosting my smile. I am looking pretty today. Exactly the way I imagined, big jhumkas, a red lehenga,with golden embroidery and blue borders. A churni with the same colour, giving the birth mark around my waist a little show. I am shy usually. But I know, today is mine. And I won't let anyone take it away from me. Not even myself. My hair has somehow managed to tame itself,as if said this morning 'live it and I promise not to interfere'. My hands are full with bangles, the glass ones. The ones I have dreamt of, the glass ones, the colorful ones you know? There is a bindi on my forehead, a small one though, it's a bit more on the left side, but who cares. I can't see it. Can I? Haha.Maa says, big ones are for married women, and small for the maidens. I miss her. I have payals around my feet, and they don't give the same joy as it used to with those baby shoes that made sound every time I stepped. Like every step counted. But they're still trying to compete. I am feeling beautiful. Feeling new. Feeling different. And I know, it's not just about the night, or the city, he also counts in. Right? The city looks even more serene in the night. A kind of feeling I can't hide. We are right around the corner, eating food. He like the movies they do, wipes of the chat from the corner of my lips. I can't help the laugh. It's like a carefree spring. And it feels like, freedom has come and kissed me twice. Blessed me twice. Blessed the city. Blessed the night. And I don't want it to end. This feeling is new. And I want to live it. Now. Now. Right now. A dream of ten years. Finally. Let me live it.Shush let me sing.

I'll look at you from this far. I am having a bag around my shoulders.You Il be with your friends. I will give you his weak smile, and you'll smile back a little. And then you Il disappear with them, and I will walk away alone. “No” “Then?” You'll look at me. You're wearing this heavy bag on your shoulders. You give me this weak smile. I am with my friends, I excused myself and I will walk towards you. And ask do you want to go out? And I will take your bag and carry it for you. I'll say yes, but only hanging out. Okay? “Okay ma’am” -Popular Boy & Invisible girl. Ever been anyone of them? Swipe. Tried this the first time..so how's it? I guess we all have these insecurities . And many a times we are wrong.

“My heart feels heavy, and light at the same time. I am not sure how that mechanism works..” Dear Adi, Yesterday was the first time I didn't feel like writing to you. My heart felt heavy, and light at the same time. I am not sure how that mechanism works. But it is really confusing. The Autumn Park, they're demolishing it. A new five star hotel will stand up in it's place. I fought. I remember throwing a punch on the crane man, dragging him out of his seat and punching him. And then I remember waking up in some bed today morning. I don't remember how I passed out. Everything is blur. I haven't moved on yet. I am still waiting in the park. Eight p.m. sharp. I had been waiting there half an hour before eight. I know you don't like late people. I was wearing a nice suit, flowers in one hand. I had even bought a silver ring, though it costed me some fortune. I just wanted to make it exactly like you said you'd want to get proposed. I kept sitting on the bench. The same one we sat on when we accidentally first met. I called your number at 8.15 and it wasn't reachable. Next time I checked my watch was 9.45. And it started to rain. The rain kept hitting on my head. I was drenched. And I kept calling you, till my phone turned off. I remember once you told me the story of Pyramus and Thisbe. I kept thinking, had Pyramus waited, the color of mulberry tree leaves would still be white, and they would have lived their 'happily ever after '. And so, I waited. I have been waiting since three years. Same time, same place and same bench. I am writing these letters. I remember you once said, how you were unsure if technology made us close or made us far. The longing and the distance somehow made people close, people poured out their heart, and it felt like a one sided conversation out of love. And how being one text away made people take people for granted.And this is how I know you'd be reading this. You must be wondering why I am reminding you everything. When I woke up, it was evening and I ran to the park. It was no more there. Cranes were still parked. Trees cut down, and our bench was still there,half broken. There are no kids playing around anymore, no bird's nest, I can't even see the old lady, who threw bread for the pigeon, nor the dog who used to laze on the sand heap. Nothing's left anymore. Not you, not me. I think I have waited enough, and now there's no place left to wait. I think this is the end. And I feel heavy and light at the same time. I am not writing. Today is last. You left,and left this part of yours in me, and I can't keep you with me. Anymore.

I would do anything to not feel the way I feel now. I hate good nights and goodbyes. Good nights means I have another eternity of night to think about all, everything that is going away, or the guilt that the day wasn't productive at all. I want to talk, turn the nights into mornings. The darkness engulfes me tonight, and I don't see a way out. I don't like goodbyes. They tell me that nothing is going to stay. Everything would eventually leave you and you'll be left with good bye which is not at all good. It's the feeling. You walking on road. People. Everyone one. And you'll keep walking and fish your pocket for a phone. Must've tried all the friends, just cut down the feeling of being lonely in the busy street. I promise. Will sleep tommorow by time. Cause I hate nights. And I will make sure I will never be awake at this time. Note it down. 2.16 am. And I know. I am writing something. And I don't know . The feeling sticks to me like leech pulling my soul out of happiness. Like some sad piano that keeps playing and never ends. And I wish one day the fingers get tired and the piano stops. No more sad. No more harmony. No more laments. No more of anything.

She was sitting on the white bench. Her bag hanging through her right arm. Her head was down and I knew she was thinking again. Hey, why are you here for? I asked. Well, the same thing you're here for. Submissions. She said. I know that! I mean, why are you sitting here? Uhm. Work's done so going home, waiting for the bus Well. What's the hurry? There are other friends. Let's hangout with them for some time, atleast till your bus comes. No, I have to go home. Dad must be waiting. Adi, can you stop lying already? Can you stop bothering already? Lol, why don't you ever try to stay? Why are you always running. Here to there. All the time. I don't stay because I don't have a reason to stay. Well well am I not a reason? No you're not. Okay. She stood up. Where? Going to walk till the bus comes Well. How about I join? Weren't you just about to hangout out with your friends? Well. I guess someone has a reason to stay. Unlike some people. Stop stealing my lines! Learnt from you. I whispered. Her lips formed a beautiful curve, though she tried hard to suppress. I walked with her though none of us said a word. I guess we found our reasons. To stay. Passing through the time.

I am listening to the same melody. The same song looping, a sixty times. Tu thori der aur theher ja, the song of stay. When you want someone to stay and just stay. You don't want them to do anything, just staying would do. It's a cry from within, when you wnat the time to stop and it doesn't, so you just want the person to stop. Maybe a little longer. Longer than everyone else. Maybe a little longer for life.

Days fly. Love too. Birds too. Everything just passes. I feel like Icarus, exactly what he felt drowning into the ocean. I broke up with him. I would use the word 'serious' that generally lovers use before they break up. I wouldn't start nibbling about it, I would just say, we had one end. We never blocked each other in anger, though we did remove our profile pictures when we wanted to showcase being upset. Not that, words didn't help just that silence helped better. So the 'End' felt like the end of the world except that it wasn't. It was just another beginning. Another tear off and write again. But I didn't feel like writing again. I felt breathless, like I was drowning. Sleeps started to increase, until I was 'thrown out' by my grandmother to get some fresh air. This one day, I woke up. Dressed into regular jeans and a bit of makeup and went out. I didn't have a purpose I just felt like it. I just felt the weight shift off. And the moment the wind passed through me, and the clouds cheered me to wake up from my hibernation, I knew, I was breathing again. Yes I was writing again, into this fresh page. It was then I realized how it's been two months. Days fly.

Even if you were the night, And I were the day I would still love you More and more In every way, And I would wait at the shore For us to meet at the bay. One day one day.

We are not puzzle pieces,we are shapes. We don't need to fit in always. Sometimes, we need to make our own space.

“Does life even stop?” Is there a tommorow? Is there a after this? We shall live after this. Shall we really live? After exams, after eighteen, after marriage, after kids, after struggle ends. After life ends? Is there any after struggle? Aren't we struggling now? Trying to find some solace in the mobile screen, some peace, some time off. Aren't we thriving to be better us every passing day? Does life ever stop, giving you a chance to breathe? It's a struggle itself from the first cry, Till the silence engulfs your grave. Live when you get a chance, smile when you can, laugh if you may, tomorrow doesn't guarantee anything. Live now, today.

Happiness needs to be found. You don't get it. You need to create it. This is Pinku. The last member to join the family. I was in standard seven. And I had to choose between phone and Pinku. And you see, I chose Pinku. Let's begin from the beginning. We had around seven to eight soft toys. We had got them in different occassions one by one, as a gift. I hadn't purchased any, other than Pinku. Shera, was the bengal tiger. And we married her to Mary, the dog. Now, don't stress your brains, Shera was vegetarian. So he didn't eat Mary. Infact, they were in immense love. Though they fought most of the times. But then that's how love works. Isn't it? Nicky and Nacky, were monkey brothers. Nicky was the cutest and tiniest on in our family. Nacky had long arms.Nicky, was dating a doll, who was Sweety. Sweety was a baby doll, was gifted my my Buaji. Nicky was a A1 flirt . Sweety was a witty girl, and a good feminist. She made sure Nicky was in the line all the time. Now don't ask me how monkey and human can be in relationship. Weren't your ancestors monkeys? Nacky was a forever single. He was a tacky and idiotic character. Though he was Nicky's brother, but Nicky a lot of times called him an Uncle. I loved Nacky though, so he hung around my neck. Next addition was Teddy. Teddy was gifted to my granny on my standard 3 birthday. He was a bear. He was pink as well. But I was small, so I named him like that. Teddy was also forever single in a way. He kinda liked a girl. Lily. But Teddy was aged, say equal to Nacky. And Lily was a small teddy, like a baby one. Smaller than Sweety. Teddy took care of Lily . He loved her. But obviously. They couldn't match. Age was a factor. So Teddy also never married. A new characted was Teddu. Ofcourse I was running out of names.He was the second last to join the fam. He initially used to be around the basin, he had a huge hole in his stomach in which people would hang towels. Such cruelty. So we joined him. Though he didn't talk much, he made sounds cause he had bells. And lastly. Pinku. Pinku was the biggest teddy I ever got. I loved all . We were a family. I created my happiness with them.❤

I miss the way we started. So mixed into each other. Like there was nothing left in life to do. Other than finding your lost crunchie, which I secretly wished you'd never find. Cause I like seeing your hair open. The way locks fell down in heat, and the way you got irritated. You were , not the Cinderella who lost her shoe. . You were the ones who wouldn't brush at times, which is gross. But you make sure, you do it when you meet me. I have stories. And I know they'd never end even if the night passed by. But I know you'd be still willing to listen. Everytime we fight, we leave. And we leave so fast, and it's time, and we're back. And I only know, we are capable, of more than just love. We are capable of destruction. And we're scared, that the small fire between us, would burn down the entire field, along with everything we own. What do we own? I own the beer we drank at 3 am on some random man's terrace. You drank three, I drank two. You own my tshirt, the one you wore cause you'd no extra clothes to stay. And I wanted you to. And you did. You own my words. And I own, wait. I don't own you.

I had joined a workshop for handling temper. I had got in with brother and I was eleven years old then. It was held twice a week. Sundays and Saturdays, 9 am to 4pm. They used to provide crap lunch, brownies and frootis for breakfast. Mom forced us into it when we were in Gurgaon at her friend's. There used to be more than three hundred kids at once,possibly more. The lady who gave lecture was NRI. She only made on strict rule You are not supposed to sit with people you know. Be truthful to yourself. I and brother never sat together. I wandered around, perhaps wasn't good at making friends. One day I sat with her. And life changed, we sat and talked, tried suppressing our laugh. Laughed a lot. We had the best jokes, she understood me and I didn't know how. I never explained her anything, still felt like she say to me Shhh.I know and it's perfectly okay. I fell in love with her, she wasn't crazy like me, instead she was calm but still was amazing. She told me her Dad taught in this workshop too. And her Dad wanted her to attend it as well. We sat together, we searched for each other in the crowd. Until this one day, she didn't sit beside me. I asked her why? She said, it's against the rules and she can't cheat her father. She promised him that she'1ll concentrate. I felt sad. She didn't sit. I was back to sitting alone in the crowd and sleeping. I used to still search for her. I could only see her sitting everywhere but beside me. One day I found her at lunch table sitting alone, having her home made tiffin. She didn't like the crap lunch these workshop people served. She felt different. There was a tone of sadness in her voice. I didn't ask her why. I wish I had. I never saw her again. But I never forgot her. I forgot her face, but I still remember her name, her words, every inch, every moment. Yeah I was in love with her, not the kind of boyfriend girlfriend love, but the kind of love one can never explain. I could never... Ending this with a quote I wish I knew how to quit you - Goodnight(11.56 pm) I didn't edit. It's old. And it's amazing the way it is. Let it be. Let it stay. Let it.

Yeah. I like my nailpolish. Is that wrong? Maybe, maybe not. Dear Diary #61 I am starting from right where I ended. And this is where I am. At 61 st. Which means there has been sixty times when life went breaking apart, creeping my nerves, filling me enough to write again. Don't misunderstand this with my other history, my poems and stories they'd really fill a different slot. But this. This is my place. I come here when I am sad, in pain or lonely. You're right. When I have no one,I come to you. Is that selfish? Cause, you don't leave. And people probably do. I am good with words, but not good with lies. Yeah, that's where I mess up. So, well say, when I want someone to stay for me. Do I really stay for someone? That's what it is, right? You're expecting people to stay for you, escape sleeps probably give you as their first priority. But give it a thought. Is there someone like you, probably expecting the same from you. And you don't reciprocate cause probably you don't want it. Why? Cause you don't feel something about this certain person the way you feel about some other person. And that becomes some entire love octagon. Triangle is just a baby. I am there for you when no one is there for me. I am not there for you when people are there for me. Yeah. That is what I call honesty. Don't be sweet, be honest. Be it. So that you don't end up on someone's Instagram status termed as #fake. Atleast it's better to be called rather mean and selfish. Right? In the end, we are all bad tales in someone's book, and what can we do about that? We keep doing it. And yeah. I am upset. Cause,I am a bad tale.

I am still not used to typing your name and finding nothing. Our chat is stuck at November 12th,2018, where you last wrote pata nai. And till now I am trying to understand if that pata nai had something more that I couldn't understand, or failed to understand. It hurts. And it kinda does so much. You were this shard of peace, we owed to each other. From the mornings, where we spoke our sleepy thoughts to the nights were we slept listening the same damn song. It feels so hollow, and like someone just dug out a part of me from me. And I am ending up being nothing. And I kinda still wait at times... You promised that we'd go a long way, and I'd be the only thing you'd thank Instagram for. I guess I will do that too. But I am writing this, cause I don't write for people. And I had left that job years ago. And I am doing it again, and sadly, it's for you, and you won't be able to read this. Ciao. Phir miltey hai, agar zindagi ko manzoor hua tho. Do you have hundreds words for me? Cause I have only three....

You know, I wanted go out, live and breathe. But now, I don't. I feel helpless. Suddenly, like you feel home is a safe place. I wanted to go out discover the world, the nights and the days. But now I guess I want to turn myself into this cage. Lock myself in. The world suddenly feels scary,the world living and how, for some , even home isn't a safe place. Who is it? Who is next? I have been trying to find goodness in every being to just realize, I am wrong. There's no goodness. There are only people. People who want work done, people who are selfish and useless. People who don't know the number of stars over the horizon, people who wear face masks. People who talk about breathing, and can't breathe. -counting the stars that left the sky

I have realized something. When I was small, I picked this certain glass bangles that I really liked. These bangles looked like coloured circles of life, all colourful with tiny mirrors of self love in them, wrapped in transparent plastic of reality. I wasn't stealing you know, just picking up something I really liked,without paying. Unfortunately, the churi wale uncle happen to notice my not-so- thievery and I had to keep them back, cause Papa refused to buy me those. What's the point of telling you all of this? Aren't we doing the same act throughout life? We pickup things from people we meet. Kindness, love, hope and so much more. All of it is picked up. I would even say jealousy, cause the moment, we get to know someone is jealous of us, we start to get into doing the same, comparing. There's a difference in being taught something and picking up something. We mostly pick up. We pick up or definition of 'the glass bangles'. And payment? Payment is somewhat done in attachments, and every tome you do this certain picked up action, you recall the person who you picked it up from, and in most cases, these people end up being past tales.

Let's talk about the evening. I played badminton after 2 years. I played like a noob. Met a pro player kinda boy, jisne ache se bezatti ki, koi kasar nahi chori bande neh. I fell my phone twice kyuki pocket was too elastic. Phone toota nahi. Then I played without shoes kyuki mai hawai pehen ke aayi thi and it wasn't supportable. I looked shitty but who cares. I was awkward most of the time but koi na hota hai. And now am sitting ghar ke darwaze meh typing this out. And honestly, mai phir kal jaungi thodi bezatti karwa ke aaungji kyuki yaar, bhai seekhna hai. 0 se hi sahi, let's just start.

They say, where there's love, there's no doubt. I beleive in it. I know when I am not ready. I Know that I can't wake up and jump into phone to wish a certain person. I know I can't sleep late, just to Keep up with the chats of a certain person. I won't keep my ambitions above you. I won't laugh at your lame joke. I won't necessarily say that I miss you each day for the sake of saying it. I won't send you instant selfies when you say that you wanna see me 'badly'. I won't do all of these. But if we are walking together, and if I don't see you beside me, I would turn back. Turn back to see, and if you're tired and we can sit. And for that, beleive me, you do not need to be my lover, just talking would do. We do not need keep up with some stupid streak. We can just be us, and ha ek or baat! I would appreciate it more if you compliment my poetry before the locks falling over my head. Heard enough tales of the spider and the fly, believe me, I don't go by flattery. And. I know who I am talking about. And you know all of this. And I just missed you. I am definitely not ready for love, all I Know is I am definitely up for sitting on the road to check whether a car hits me, and you can stand there to stop the car. It'll still mean something to me. Every relationship need not be labelled. Ours is infinite.

I will tell you why I don't want to tell you that you're someone that I think about. That I keep my phone on full volume in the hope that you'd call. The fact that I lower the volume whenever I am away, cause the call is for me and it should be only me that picks up. I don't feel like adding on to the list of people you've to take care of. The way it's morning and you look at the old dyed clock over the wall and certainly be thinking how the 'times' might never change. The exhaustion over your face, the slight smile, and way you wanna smile for the sake of it, to show everything has been alright and you're all okay. I will tell you. I want to be the leaf hanging through the window; a ray of hope. Something that you see everyday and recall that you still have got to live. Looking upon me, even if there's a whole lot of lined up stars over the galaxy. For me, and that I shall be walking by your side, even if I am a mere painting. But I am enough. I am the masterpiece.

...and they lived happily ever after. He kept writing her letters months after he stopped sending them. On New Year's Day he wrote that he hoped that she'd get everything she wished for. Then he tossed the letter into a box under his bed. He's stopped trying to bring her back.(taken from eleanor and park- a novel by Rainbow Rowell) I don't know, but, aren't we always looking forward to a happy ending? Though pain makes the tears drip, somehow making you remember the story. I have always wanted a happy ending for myself. An end where everyone's together and everyone loves everyone. I fear it might never happen. The truth better be spoken out, Everything good comes to an end and so does bad . But I'll remember and sulk about the good one. I don't want it to end, but it's like the hour glass running out of sand, all I can do is slowly watch it get over. And then? Reset. It's over. Make it again. Make it? You know what? Forget it. Just forget it. Sitting on some alien ground, watching the sky turn grey and then pitch black. The pearls makin a necklace over the sky, through the little light they got . My hands frozen, shivering, the cold. Hitching the court closer to me, letting the tears sweep down. Maybe we aren't weak, maybe it's just the work. The way it has been. And it will be. Shush. Tommorow is again tommorow. Let's build it again. Okay?

I have lost them all, Even the bright stars and their magical light is gone. My soul has lost it's way in the busy street of life, And it can't wait. There's something mystic about the sunset in the evening, It's sad yet the most serene. All I can think is about his smile, The blush over his cheeks Like the very nerdy geeks. The way our stare game through the classroom, Would go for hours, And still it would never be boring at all. The way your lips would turn red, With the just ate gola we had. The way our shoulders touched, While we sat together in the school bus That made us try looking everywhere but each other. The way you wept like a baby, When I was leaving You literally wept all your mucus on my churni enough That I told you to keep it. The way you sat on the middle of the road, Your hands wrapped around my one leg, Creating a scene, Saying you won't let me go. I would give it a try, Realizing you're too heavy. I would just lean down And kiss on your head, And whisper the words, Those eyes would look at me, And I realize how much I don't want to go, As your grip slowly loosens And you let me go. And now I realize, when I thought it would be easy to forgot, I am here, ten years later on the this very same street.

And still couldn't get over Will's death. Maybe he lived in the parallel universe. Just live Clarke. Just live. The entire song is beautiful. Maybe I am just obsessed with the ends. :)

Dear Memories, I don't like the way you always slide away, even though I try to hold on to you. Though you never go away, you just slide down, getting replaced by new happenings. Like a pile, it's hard to think about you and remember you as it is. It's fascinating how, we make you in present, without even having a tiny shard of idea . The laughters, falling down, and laughing cause you fell down, your someone laughing, and you stand up, and fall down again, laughing because you couldn't stop laughing yet.That kind of you. That is what I am talking about. When I started to play, I remember my hands all sweaty. I was shivering, and it wasn't cold. And my heart beat was as fast as it could be. You know, the first was fine. Second day was the hardest. And third day? It was better. It kept getting better. I made friends, and you. And at this particular time, I am leaving it again. Sometimes it feels like, there's no use of investing in people. Because the certain time of it, will end, and things end up becoming one of you. Very few people make past that barrier, of personal space, being there watching like the moon from far away. Mostly, it's like the fixed things you'll pass by, they won't follow you. I kind of feel sad too. And ofcourse that line you know It will never be the same again thing. I kind of feel very bad about it. Looking back to the pages, I realize how long it has been. And things that made sense before, doesn't now. Change is perhaps the only constant we got. Maybe we only stop by the woods for a certain time, at the end, we'll have to keep going. Until we sleep? I am glad, I have you. Reminds me of, how vulnerably beautiful life has been. :)

Days have passed on crazy. I believe it's how the whole regret thing works. When we have time, we think, we have got a lot. When we don't our mind thinks the reverse, I wish they gave more time. Life has got stuck in this cycle of blaming everything around, to an extent that have forgotten about myself. Every circumstance feels like a full stop. The extent to which you can pull over, and then you realize there's more. There's always more and more waiting. Now that I look back, it feels like I have stood long in the same place, and it's time. Time to move on. To a different destination? And a new damn place? More people and certainly more of life. Even though time has been passing away like sand, flowing away, but at this moment. I don't feel like holding on to it. I feel, I feel the urge to let it go the way it always has. Haven't written for a while. That's what I use my earrings for, these days.

And she felt it. She felt she was no more important. And whatever she did, for whoever, it doesn't matter. In the end she'll be alone again, cutting wounds, counting dead fireflies. Counting as if they might increase in number. People said giving your best- gives you everything you wish? She doesn't think so. Giving everything you have, might just end up empty. In a room left with just her. Sometimes she'd feel like to rip herself off, for giving away or being so dumb. She'd rub her skin until it would get red and realize just how more scratches and the it's out, the blood. She had too many scratches to heal. She'd wait for them to heal, and scratch them again. Oh did she do the same with her heart? She read lines about how living and existing are different. Most people just exist. And to live is great. But why are all the stories about beautiful gardens , without a torn lef, or the withered flowers that grew old, or the ones that got trampled? The thorns that might have gotten into the skin of the person who took care. She'd want to stop to exist. Trying out things like walking or drinking coffee might help. Something definitely can make her happy right? She's so much below the sea under the heap of regrets and memories and people. She can't breathe. And you can't hear her, can you? -Under the water.

Dear Marnie, I have got a bunch of stuff to tell you. Chances are that you might be sitting on the arm chair along the firewood, with Kazukiho smiling by your side as you read this out. Somehow I like to believe that, you and him must've met again. He was your friend, and the guy you fell for, married and had a family with .I don't know where to begin from. I thought you were a friend of Anna, and that everything was perfect in your world. Rich parents, people to take care, and you, ofcourse so beautiful and so full of life. And then the picture perfect world shattered away, knowing about how it wasn't the way it looked to be. I beleive you came back to Anna, so that you could break away, the history that repeats itself. When you were small, a girl trying to look and be the 'good girl' and you were neglected. When Hisako said, you got married I heaved a sigh of relief, finally my Marnie has a happy ending. Except that it wasn't. And I don't want to repeat, but after you couldn't be there for Lily, you wanted and wished to be there for Anna. And you couldn't, but when you appeared, in the end you made Anna accept. It's always hard with the 'acceptance' part and it was. You know when you waved to Anna for the last time my heart broke away, like 'why' do you leave again? When you danced under the moonlight with Anna, that moment of peace, I silenty wished 'only if i could've had this' and that just might be your infinite? When you walked away with Kazukiho leaving Anna in there, Anna cried and shouted. She couldn't- I couldn't get it. Why did you leave? And that very last moment when you asked her to forgive, and she did. That smile you had, and now I do understand about it. People have theories, some say you were illusion, some say a ghost. But for me, the way you lived loved , and let life take away things from you and still smiled, I feel broken. Like you just pulled away strings of the guitar.That last song, Fine on the Outside felt like you might be just singing. Singing, sitting quietly, in yourself. And if you wonder who'll remember your name, and your face. I would. Forever. And you know what? Anna would too. : )

Woh afsana jise anjaam tak laana na ho mumkin, Use ise khubshurat mod de kar chhodana accha

Leaves fallen down all the way. A few trampled, a few bended over the joints, yellow and dried smelling of some old love. I wonder if these leaves ever felt remorse for not ending up in someone's diary? How beautiful it would be, to be picked up and loved? I wonder if these leaves just got old, or did they fell ? Why are love stories, that ever lived always were always incomplete? Why does this cupid's arrow feel like hell. This lady,I remember would gather all these leaves, every morning . Her old arms stretching in and out, occasionally fixing her crooked spectables. Sometimes looking at me she would give a silent nod. She smiled at times looking at the kids playing by. She would spend some time gathering these unwanted failings and then looking at the children would silently walk in. She'd toss the pile away in the fire. What a good flame? A flame of fallen life about to die. I wondered if it was a way to burial. A memorial to the ones who couldn't make it, or stay intact in the harsh winds. She'd at times sip through the tea and look through the window. Awaiting a storm, or perhaps rain, she'd wait for the autumn to come and a few more leaves to fall, knowing she's not the only one to do so. A written commandment of love over the yellow leaf, had lived through the years. And he's yet to come. -the leaves that didn't make it through the pages.

We were smiles, she was. I do not smile much alone, cause doing that either means you're thinking about someone or you having a mental breakdown. Our smiles together wasn't the straight one. Where your lips form a perfect curve, and the eyes glow up. Hers was somewhat the way her eyes would go small, and form creeks. Her cheeks would puff up even and she'd try hard to laugh not more than that. But she would. And boy! I could look at that the whole day.

Only if life had a rewind button, I would have loved you a little more. I wouldn't have fought on Sundays for a stupid guy you met on, who might just potentially ruin things. If I had known, I wouldn't be leaving from beds on mondays, while you kept telling me to stay a little longer. If I had known, our kisses would have been a little more the infinities we talked about. Or I may have bought you that one more hamburger, that you yourself told me not to buy you, even if meteors come by. If I had known, I would have danced in the rain even without thinking we just might catch fever. If I had known I would have whispered my love, a little more about how, even if everyone is the day, I would still choose night, cause you live in it. I would have told you, that the entire sky would just be yours if you just wished it instead of telling you, how it just won't be easy.And that my heart sings for you in pain and grief and even in happiness. I would've told you, about how even after a million homes, nobody has ever felt my own. If I had known, I would never had let you go away that day. If I had known we just might have been different today.

She looked down, fixing the drapes on her saree, her hair open. Her earrings would make a little sound when they moved, it wasn't much, but enough to take in all of my attention. I could look at her and say that she was nervous. Her eye followed the room, looking for a comfortable someone. And that's when I come to play. I go ahead, and murmur a small hi, she replies with the same hi. And for a brief second she smiles at me, and I smile too, though we haven't got an idea about what's so funny. What are you smiling at huh? I say, and then she smiles a little more, and ahh I lost my heart just there, nothing, just that, you look good and I couldn't hold my eyes, she is making me blush. You too I say. We move ahead, a little, and it hardly had been a minute, when other girls show up. Our small little, understanding went into a big circle of greetings. I can say, a part of me was angry. Today of all days, I wanted her for myself. I was selfish, but who isn't? I moved out of it, enough that nobody did notice. Near the pond under the tree I sat, looking at the lunch I brought for us. I couldn't ask her if she wanted to eat with me, and now she might, but with her friends. Looking at the pond, I see a reflection, it's her but it's sudden. You? I say turning my head back to her. What's for lunch? She said in her chirpy voice. She sat down beside me without a word. I opened down the box. We ate. I had made,whatever she liked. Even if I didn't really tell, she did get to know. We talked after that till it was evening. It was time to go. We did not really take part in the events, or the games the other people played. But for that time whatever we did, even if it was just to talk, I am glad. In the end she held my hand as we walked back to the bus home.

If the stars breakdown, Do they get mixed in the soil, Do plants grow there and become trees, Do stars look at the earth, thinking of the grave of their old ones? Do they still mourn, gasping or they just blink? Is just blinking a mechanism to cope up with the pain? Or is it just some refraction of stupid lights which makes us think all of it? If stars could break away like that, why couldn't we? Why couldn't we just break away, like blast, Getting mixed away in the soil almost like disappearing from the existence of whatever we could've been. Our potential lifes? But that will never become real. I don't exactly know what all this is supposed to mean. But why do you wish when a star breaks away? I don't know . I just feel like we are somewhere the stars. Do you ever just think about it? It can we that all of us have one star that resembles us. Some people die everyday to put up to certain wishes of people. People are stars. All of us. And the sky is black. Moon is idk. Some beauty perfection shit. Everyone wannna be like moon. Can we just give attention to that tiny little star the corner? Look how amazingly it's all alone in there. The way it wouldn't form a constellation, be like everyone else. I guess I love it for that. Because. You still shine.

I have loved voice and the sound of it since I have heard one. Silences had always got something unusual about them. The way they like an invisible crippled up to you. Most of it meant bad news, where words would get caught right inside the lips before they could've even be uttered. There'd be something really awful about it, even though it was required to soothe the nerves every once in a while. I would sit between conversations, hear people speak, thinking it would fill up the little hole right near my heart. It never did. It made my heart beat harder instead, like a dagger slowly sweeping in. Soon, I forgot how to speak, hearing was all I did. It was clear. I wanted someone to fill up the void, but me. It was stupid, and temporary. Everytime the conversation would end, and again the silence would grasp it's hands around me. Talks and conversations were like the morning sunlight that'd get away someday, perish away. And darkness, the lack of light was the constant that I had been carrying with me all through the journey. Even with the sunlight, in there. Silences been more faithful and voice ever did.

Dear Adity who turned twenty seven, Hey? You there? Are you sleepy? If you're, go grab a coffee, wash your face, tie your hair like that messy bun, and now start. So, twenty seven? Feels great right? You know, I remember the last letter I wrote asking you if you got into love and things like that. Even if you didn't, I did. Yes, a lot has changed in the past one year. Reconsiderations have happened. You know today morning, maa woke up at five . She took a shower, put in some offering to the god, started into making mattar paneer. Exactly the one I like. I am unsure if anything could be a better gift. At night around 2 am I was in a voice call in discord with a couple of people. A girl sang a song for me, and my heart broke. It means something to me. Yes I was covering my silences. Bunny called me, she dedicated like seven songs to me, we talked about things. It's been a while you see. And and and, I got some red roses. For the first time in life. Yes I had red cheeks. And yes I am smiling while I write this. In the evening I dressed up, into the suit I had abandoned six years ago, and it fit me surprisingly. Granny looked at me for a solid 20 secs, took a note out and nazar utari meri. I couldn't stop laughing. I went down then, got my cake. Yes the classic Blackforest tradition. And then went for a walk. I did my favorite thing. Walked down on empty streets taking pictures of what made me feel something. My shadow looked extremely pretty. I was a bit scared of going into the dark places. I am afraid. I am sorry. Talked to the people I love spending my time with. Honestly got into a little row with one. But I don't think you'll be remembering who it is. Where you are, I am unsure if you'd even remember today. You're getting fucking twenty seven. I hope you're doing what you promised me. Being yourself. I have realized it's so hard to be yourself without judgement. I am trying to get over it. I hope you've too. Don't drink much. And don't smoke. What is important everyday is to showup, even if you don't win the field. Boring advices from a teenager is basically what you need right now. Yours Adi, Weird but okay.

What made you so pretty? Was it the morning sunlight that peeked in to say 'hi' through the curtains. It couldn't have been. Maybe it was the rain this morning, that drizzled through the sunlight like fairy dust. What is it about your sleepy eyes? Was it the peas in the breakfast, that you, passed in your sister's plate sneakingly or the fact that you forgot your calculator on your way to an accounts exam. Maybe it was air, you felt touch your face and leave you wanting more? What was it? Certainly might be something about the day turning into dusk, the sky turning into ash.It must've had something to do with you, hasn't it? Don't tell me it was those heap of assignments you failed to turn in before the day got over and let it slip once again to the next day. It could've been those books, the once you studied, for they're very much capable of turning someone, dull and pretentious, but no, not pretty, or are they? Wait, did I-

Secrets. A few I have. You do not know them anymore. Stolen letters. The ones I stole from you, sailing them through the paper boats across the rainy street. The puddles of water splashing away, as every foot we set was a record. While still in bed, the words you mumbled, I stole, every morning while you dreamt daisies . I broke them with kisses on your forehead before I swept the curtains away and let the sunlight have the second kiss. Not all are as romantic as you think. I stole them before I even knew. The way you'd click your tongue during an argument and mumble a tensed 'come on' . The places where you'd just say 'I see' when you didn't know what to comment. The way you'd call me dude, like we were the closest thing. The way we’d talk about love as if we’d never be in it but always was. The half assed sorrys, mixed with ketchup over french fries. A goodbye we never heard but said every now or then. Damped hair and rain, a lot of it. And just like most of you, I’ll leave this half way. Maybe you’ll come around to finish.